#I'm SO done living like this i am exhausted.

[egg-emperor]

this bday feels more special than usual because there's a lot of big changes coming up in my life and this begins to kick that off in a sense so I've been reflecting on a bunch of stuff

I feel like I'm really on the other side of so much bad painful soul sucking shit now. like I feel I can truly confidently say it this time. FINALLY. I held onto bad things that were doing me so much harm mentally and physically for years and I really struggled to finally let go of a lot of things I should have for the past couple. but now it's really all over and like I can start to move on and heal for real

some huge changes to my personal life are coming up, most of which I'm not going to share but I'm pretty excited about and think will have a big positive impact on me. I'm working hard to make beneficial changes to my life in every way I can now in health and living, as exhausting as it can be with my constant chronic pain and fatigue. I finally have the will and determination to try

it's a waiting game in regards to my health with waiting on referrals but I've done what I've needed to so far with appointments to set it in motion and I'm proud of myself. after years of neglecting myself and my suspected condition, I've finally started it! and I've found out that stress factually affects it very badly, so I have to let go of the things that hurt and stress me out for good

I'm also truly accepting that I'm not a very well liked person to a lot of people. it doesn't matter because there are surely as many who like me too. I see kindness and support from others just as much as hate and I need to put all my focus and energy into the former alone. I want to look as grateful and appreciative as I am, not caught up in negativity. my mind can be a negative place but I'm working on it

and of course as usual, I'm going to keep being myself and following my heart and expressing my passion the way I want. because I'm never going to give up the things I enjoy and repress myself because of the disapproval of others

I feel like I can start looking forward and I'm feeling much more positive about things over all. in a few months time my living situation, hopefully my physical health, and my mindset will hopefully be improved. and it actually has me looking forward to seeing what the future holds

I've been through a lot of tough shit and pain and did some stupid shit along the way but I learned a lot about myself and what I want and need through it and I'm happy to finally be making all the right changes. I'm really glad I feel like I'm on the otherside of it, especially after how bad the past couple of years have been especially for me

and I just wanna say thank you to everyone who has supported me and stuck around when I was struggling and will be here to see the better version of myself and enjoy my blog. it means the world to me 💜

now I'm gonna go out and have a good bday today!

[an-assortment-of-forks]

there are doctors there are hospitals there are specialists there is medicine there are systems in place so people do not have to suffer and be tortured under their own chronic pain daily and yet. they're all fucking inaccessible to the people who need it most!!! to what I would argue is most disabled people!! I'm so fucking done with the medical system.

#today is an absolutely wretched pain day that makes me want to not be here anymore but guess what! #wasted a whole year trying to convince my doctors I was in significant and disableing pain daily and the best they could do #is tell me to go to PT and to wait 6 months and tell them if it gets better #to prescribe some shit like gabapentin or otc pain meds and write me off #tell me they'll get new X-rays to see if it got worse by the summer #disability exists!! specialists exist! good doctors fucking exist!! somewhere!!! I'm sure!! #but here I sit. in excruciating amounts of pain unable to convince any fucking doctors of anything #and that year I spent pushing myself to the limit is wasted bc at the very end of it all only one guy listened to me #and he said no one in their giant ass facility could diagnose me #so I'm back to square one bc I got a new job which means new insurance and new doctors to try and convince again #I just want to be on disability so i can want to be alive again #I'm so frustrated and in pain constantly #what are people like me who have to work 40hrs to afford to live but don't have any family to rely on supposed to do?? #just die? am i supposed to continue to work until im too disabled to move and be profitable unless i get lucky? #bc some fucking doctor finally decides to actually listen??? #ive tried ALL THE DAMN TRICKS TOO. telling them a friend has it and thats how i found out. that my previous doctor was looking into it #etc etc #I'm SO done living like this i am exhausted. #and to know that i COULD BE HELPED. RIGHT NOW. is the worst fucking part #these systems are in place so people like me dont have to fucking suffer. #but i cant even do anything about it bc i have a cat.

[soldier-poet-king]

Literally beating back my brain with a stick. Why are you LIKE THIS. We resolved - or at least came to an uneasy tentative truce with - the absolute dogshit self esteem issues eons ago. Why are were BACK here fighting the having zero concept of personhood or self worth problems. Even /if/ my brain is right and I'm garbage bad non-person whos a burden and just manipulating ppl into caring abt me. Like even IF that's true. I can't self sacrifice and do Good when I'm obsessively navel gazing. Even if the fundamental belief at the core of my being is that I'm worthless, I gotta stop ACTIVELY thinking abt it BC I need to be DOING things and dragging myself thru hot coals for others, not just obsessing about how bad I am that I can't even do that. If I can't even do that what am I good for? What's the purpose of me at all?

AHHHHHHHHH

#franposting #this is moody whiny complaining sorry friends #i will be ok #i just need. to not think #hollow out myself until theres nothing left but duty and obligation to the good #until all the selfishness and solipsism and preoccupation with my own worthlessness is gone #until i stop wanting basic human things like comfort and goodness. thats not for me to want. its for me to provide outwards #i am forgetting to do good #and sure maybe positive self belief would be better. but im honestly unsure im capable of that. or even neutral #i just need to transformthe self disgust into action #stop moping start doing #its hard when im beyond exhausted every waking minute #but i have to try. have to learn to function with headaches and bone deep tiredness #i cannot live with my selfish comfort anymore #<i literally know being bored at work isnt helping #idle mind and no feeling of accomplishment #but what else am i to do. i have done. so much busywork #i have stretched out every task. I'm just . so bored #i need to be productive and useful to be good

[eoinmcgonigal]

Vague plan:

Finish WIPs/write stuff

Maybe feel better and have focus to read

?

Done

#document type: medical report #oh i am so not okay right now lol #i have nothing keeping me going apart from a silly desire to tell stories #and i wish i didn't have that because i'm lonely and exhausted and very very unwell now #i just want a hug ugh #maybe even some kindness and help #don't be surprised if i disappear i'm struggling to live in a world that doesn't want people like me to live #and i am very much losing #3 hours in the same room with someone who didn't notice i was crying the whole time #no one's noticed that i've stopped eating #tomorrow is like... the last chance/hope appointment and i bet you it's not going to go well for me #it'll be great for them because they'll decide on a way to ignore my needs #i am not going to survive lol #anyway i'll try and write something i've always done that #i have nothing else to give #oh i'm crying again great

[greppelheks]

Identifying which things are incredibly difficult for me because of adhd, and deciding to no longer do them, instead of forcing myself to do them because I should be able to do them, is honestly so freeing.

#personal #The constant information that'd be put in my brain by texts and all the little emotional responses that come with it #Was so fucking overwhelming and infuriating so I've decided to just check my texts twice a week #And the constant information and stimuli that'd come with using certain apps is kinda exhausting so I've deleted most apps #And am gonna work on spending less time on the ones left #I'm now more aware of others situations I keep finding myself in that make me overdtimulated and exhausted #And I'm gonna hopefully just not do those anymore and find replacement activities #I was shopping with my sister and I was so overstimulated from all the people and sounds and smells #And having to have a conversation with my sister with music blasting #And it's like this everytime so maybe I should just not do that anymore #And I just went out for dinner with my mother and my niece and she had a breakdown and she always does in the evening 'cause she's Done #And I don't wanna do that either #I'm fully zoned out now because I got more stimuli in one hour than I normally do in four days #Painting with her this afternoon was perfect and quiet but God all those people and kids...... #Don't wanna do that anymore either am more happy to spend a few hours during the day with her #If only my sister didn't live two hours away I could #I'll figure something out #Personal #Everybody's always like God you're so autistic and like... maybe you're all just incredibly fucking loud All the time #Just ordered those loop earplugs and I'm gonna take some steps to start working from home more #'Cause my administration days are a huge struggle. I'm constantly being interrupted and bothered by people #I'm sick of trying to force myself to do the 'normal' thing. It's obviously not working.

[catholicxknees]

Officially saw my first tbs concert! Feeling uhh. Very tired. But fuuck they were a blast

#tho it was cool to see several other bands i like play beforehand i uhhh. would much rather see tbs in a regular tour #cause that was exhausting as fuck. waaay too hot and the crowd was trash for most of the bands #and by the time tbs came on i was already tired as hell and had pulled something in my leg :(! #went hard anyway tho and almost pulled something else during flicker fade 🪦 why am i like 20 something in a 64yo man's body #anyway. adam was the biggest goofy dork ass ever and also sooo handsome and i need his hand in marriage immediately 💖 lol #also john was so girlfriend #his little bit abt technically being from Baltimore was endearing af like he is sooo sweet and awkward 😭 #they also all sounded so good. THE ONEEEE is gorgeous live oh my god #also i was excited to see what just us two would sound like live and it did not disappoint! #ok i think I'm done now 😶 they're so much fun tho. giving them a kissy on the head 💖 #txt #taking back sunday #sad summer fest #ssf #myshow #mine

[unproduciblesmackdown]

already thinking "and by 'religious' really i mean 'christian'" re: how the term "religion" is not really useful when it's largely like, from a christian perspective, what is considered "equivalent" of christianity, see: perhaps a "rival"/obstacle to some person or group being considered christian....and even if not thinking about converting anyone, resulting in some at best misinterpretation / misrepresentation based on framing it through/as [element of christianity] and limiting of any more accurate language

like how tumblr recommends me a post about someone thinking about "religion" in general and concluding that it's Weird and perhaps Wrong for anyone who is a "true believer" in their religion(tm) to Not be proselytizing / trying to Convert everyone. like yeah why isn't everyone being an evangelical christian, they ought to be, benevolently informing all those around them that they're going to hell, otherwise. don't see any problem with this conclusion, or that someone's getting antisemitic in the notes already in agreement, or that That's Not How This Works and you don't just know how All "Religion" works based on considering it to be an alternate version of christianity (which in itself doesn't All work like that either)

#and even when it comes to having a Critical View of any belief system / way of living / spirituality it's like...people are on that already #without having to see it from a christian perspective or understand the only possible framework for it as [critiques of christianity].... #a dogmatic approach / doctrine of Salvation....not how it all works out there re: ways anyone can be anything besides christian #So Bizarre why everybody's not all trying to ''convert'' everyone else in the world....is it. #what; like; ''you'd think everyone would be launching an inquisition'' like would you. #even if you know fuckall abt non christian beliefs / perspectives / traditions/practices / identities / ways of life etc.... #we could maybe go ahead and question this conclusion. or perhaps go ''but also i know fuckall about all that so why am i theorizing'' like. #and again there are non ''western'' christian traditions....and of course individuals and philosophies within christianity who would also #not think you can only Truly be christian by going ''and i'd better be trying to convert everyone. or i'm being a jerk'' too #not actually the case that everyone thinks everyone else who doesn't share some ''religious'' factor is Damned To Hell or an equivalent.... #anyways telling tumblr actually this particular post? isn't for me. and i don't thank you #another tiresome factor of [mass at the benedictine monastery] like the homilies/sermons were especially exhausting #they always were but like ''what are you even talking about'' as one priest goes on about how it's silly for people to say they're #Spiritual but not Religious b/c the only way to be spiritual is to be christian lite & if you're Genuinely even christian lite then you #ought to realize you should go full throttle christian. like a) No b) why are we preaching to the choir here. we're all at Sunday Mass??? #not like any sermons ever feel that thoughtful when like too much analysis is like uh oh? a bit heretical are we??? which is not universal. #gee thanks for this [are we just supposed to all sit here feeling validated in our superiority; or...?] experience #wisdom you couldn't totally get from someone going on some self-assured monologue abt heathens these days over dinner or sm shit #really makes you think. and then someone will be really thinking & going ''shouldn't everyone w/a Religion be an Evangelist'' hmm: No. #and they aren't ''wrong'' about their own beliefs approaches perspectives identities traditions etc for it either. Done #anyways changed ''religious parent'' to ''christian parent'' for its own enhanced accuracy & precision alike....

[likesummerrainn]

.

#i am gonna be so honest with you all babes. i'm fucking exhausted. #and my back hurts and my head hurts and my heart hurts and i'm just. #trying to take it day by day i guess. i don't know anymore really. #like yeah we have help and it's fine but. everyone leaves and goes home and they don't have to do anything about it anymroe. #im still here i'm still the one that wakes up in the middle of the night i'm sitll the one that gets called to do it all #i literally have done fuck all for work today because i've been the one doing the running around #and everyone keeps saying 'oh we're all worried for her and we're all pitching in to help' #and yes you all are! but that doesn't change the fact that she lives wiht us. and that when anyone comes over she still calls for one of us #it's not her fault she's just used to us #but my goodness gracious i have not felt this tired before and i'm just. i'm trying to remind myself i'm doing it for her. you know? #that there is no other reason it's getting done except that it's all For Her. and it makes it a little better. #but it doesn't change the fact that anyone time i step under the shower i just start crying again. or any time i'm alone for ten minutes #i'll just cry really quickly to get it out of my system before going back. #i've never felt more disconnected from reality than i have in the past week you know

[cithaerons]

i am so so so fucking beyond burnt out by irl shit. i am so jealous of people who have time to engage with internet bullshit, or even internet non-bullshit. 

#i really feel close to death rn #i am restarting my computer which is. actually acting horrible so much for macs lol #so that i can finish completing these 20 hours of video lecture i need to have done by tuesday #which won't even play and keep freezing up #i am so fucking pissed off i just really feel like what they put us through is completely unreasonable & i am just exhausted #i feel like i'm living a fraction of a life

[residentsocialfailure]

.

#god fucking shit #im exhausted #so I posted a dumb pride post on fb #(oh yeah warning for family bs and homophobia) #and my homophobic christian father commented some homophobic christian nonsense #and i called him out for it obviously #and so did my brother #and then he messaged us this long message about sin is bad and Jesus died for us and blah blah blahi #idk is was long and unimportant #but basically I'm living in sin and need to accept god or bad things #so ny brother was like fuck you and blocked him (not exactly those words but ygi) #and i sent a long message and was like expressing how hurt and pissed i was and basically was like #if you can't get over yourself we're done #and now he's very apologetic and saying he made a huge mistake and whatever #and he sounds very sincere #and i know as awful as it was - his bs does come from a place of love #he's just been brainwashed by so much southern Baptist bs #so now I'm like #what the fuck am i supposed to do now #because im so tired #fucking exhausted #and I've been crying a lot today #we've never had a great relationship #and our good points have nostly been not talking about the things we disagree about #but idk #his family (my step family) is actually great for the most part and i care about them a lot #and cutting him off means cutting all of them off too #and like. i know he's sorry #but i also know he will never actually accept my queerness #so I'm just trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do here

[fandom-rants]

On jennlikespie's last comment (I will not be @-ing her because she clearly does not want to engage further):

When you said "Even with all those examples given a extremely large glaringly obvious detail OP douche canoe has failed to consider or realize is that Matoaka was a real person" it certainly looked like you were downplaying Peter Pan in your efforts to talk once again about how Matoaka is a real person, which we all already fucking know. And it appears you're the one with shitty-ass reading comprehension because not once did I say people should fucking ignore the racism in Pocahontas, what I said (if you would read) is, and I quote, "if you still say that [other Disney films] are still good, entertaining movies despite the misogynistic, morally dubious, or racist moments and viewpoints in them, then you need to shut the fuck up about Pocahontas." Which means, if you're struggling to understand, that all of them are racist and all of them should be lumped together as such instead of pretending one is worse than others. Which is what you did.

Yes! Duh! Matoaka was a real fucking person! Pocahontas in the movie Pocahontas is a character and should have been given a different fucking name because the bullshit that was written is so whitewashed it's insane! Hence why I refer to the character in the movie as Pocahontas, because it's not fucking Matoaka and shouldn't be lumped in with her. But her being a real person doesn't make it more racist than any other fucking film. They are all fucking racist.

This is why humanity fucking sucks ass. You and I are arguing the same basic concept, but you were too busy getting pissy to actually read and you ended up accidentally doing the thing others have done to you by blowing off Peter Pan to talk about Pocahontas, which was my fucking point.

#anti fandom #anti this idiocy #anti disney #imagine saying 'we spoke up abt Peter Pan and were shit on by ppl like you' #when I am LITERALLY shitting on ppl talking only about Pocahontas and ignoring the shit in other films like Peter Pan #reading comprehension = nonexistent #and indeed shitting on you bc you did the exact thing you're saying others have done #by DOWNPLAYING the racism in Peter Pan to win an argument abt how racist Pocahontas is #'Pocahontas is worse bc Matoaka' did you know IT'S ALL EQUALLY FUCKING BAD ACTUALLY #/throws hands up/ what the fuck you were so busy getting angry you didn't stop to READ #caveat to be made here: I said Peter Pan's shit was worse when it's all bad #definitely should have worded that better but I stand by it bc I'm tired of ppl talking shit abt Pocahontas and ignoring shit in other film #I am sick and tired of hearing ppl constantly mentioning the actual history of Matoaka to the detriment of speaking up abt everything else #everyone's taught abt the Powhatan tribe in school (at least I HOPE) but no one's taught abt racism stereotypes or treatments #which affects real ppl RIGHT NOW and needs to be spoken of more than history most already know #and while it's all equally fucking awful it's EXHAUSTING having ppl defend the dead before caring abt the living #HENCE MY ORIGINAL POST that you clearly did not bother properly reading

[no-one-hears-me]

I need to make new friends so I can stop putting up with these losers

#I don't even like them I don't want to spend time with them they are just placeholders #they are from the past. I have changed and bettered myself and they have not. I no longer relate to them #and yetttt. they're what I have. bc they're what I had when I was different #but I'm not that person anymore yet I'm still stuck with them #bc it's either them or nothing and some sort of companionship is better than absolute loneliness #but I've outgrown these relationships and don't want to waste my time on them anymore #this is prob a temporary feeling but idk if I even fw my ex anymore #at some point you gotta realize that some people just aren't gonna grow and mature and improve themselves #and if you can deal with that it's fine. but to be surrounded by that is kinda exhausting #like no sorry I have a life to live and responsibilities and things that need done #I think I'm in a weird little transition tho. bc I used to fit in better with the irresponsible losers and whatever despite never being one #but now I just don't vibe with that anymore #but I'm also not a big ol nerd that can go vibe with those people so idk. I'm changing #gotta figure out who my people are ig. and then find them #just tired of wasting time on stupid people lmao #ik this sounds bad but I am half asleep and cannot think of good words to use so this isn't entieely accurate #goodnigjt guys #Sera

[jedi-bird]

I have decided that today shall be a do nothing day. I'm tired, I still have a headache from yesterday, and quite frankly I need a me day. I did get a bit done. Sorted out some small boxes of stuff into permanent storage, finished watering the plants, found some important papers (blood draw orders and neurologist referral that's been missing plus possibly a copy of my birth certificate that might let me update my ID so we can fly next year). Started washing the cleaning rags and dish towels, but it's a three step process the way I do it so that's an all day thing. Currently waiting for the pain meds to kick in and then I'm going to try to write. House stuff can wait until I have the mental energy to deal with it again.

#birdy tries to be a good adult #I've wasted a lot of time this week doing nothing and i can't bring myself to care all that much #I'm also kind of as a standstill until some decisions get made #in order to keep working on the craft area i need to get some boxes out of the room and downstairs #but if i take them down now it's just going to create more piles down there after i had made good progress #they need to go into a display case but can't until we get shelves for the games currently in it #but my partner can't decide what they want to do and aren't in a rush to figure it out #i am though because i want to be done #so this weekend I'm going to suggest to options going forward and hope they actually think about them #one would be take the area that was going to be bookshelves and make it a game area #complete with storage for boardgames and a big table with folding chairs #thus moving the bookshelves into the living room and turning the display case around to face the other and dividing the room #the other option is to leave the games in the living room and either have them make up their mind on a shelving unit #or i do it for them and they won't necessarily be happy with it lol #I'm trying to get them to understand that if i can get the games put away i can start unpacking books #and one the books are unpacked we'll have free space to start getting things like a couch and a nice TV #and hopefully get the ac fixed so i don't pass out this year from heat exhaustion

[orteil42]

some undifferentiated thoughts about my Starfield playthrough as i have them. i am a game developer with a strong interest in procedural generation and i've enjoyed a bunch of other bethesda games so this might get pretty mean sorry

(this is a long one)

starfield dialogue is already exhausting me "oh you must've been living under a moon rock ;)" get it! because they're in space! this would've been too corny for the Jetsons

there's a kind of cheap dusting of space theme over everything. the food isn't salmon but alien salmon. it's not seaweed but alien seaweed. cooking alien stir-fry. come on

cannot get over how clumsily the theming is handled. books, board games, weapon names revolve heavily around space. these people have been living on alien planets for hundreds of years yet have this unending sense of novelty about it. the game takes itself completely seriously but feels like it's attempting to parody itself

people's EYEBALLS are CLIPPING THROUGH THEIR EYELIDS

a woman is speaking to me in french. her accent is about as believable as her haircut

these are some of the worst reflection maps i've ever seen

next to nothing is interactive. you can sit in chairs and sleep in beds and that is about it. can't even drink from people's toilets. disgraceful

game helpfully crashes 5 seconds after i decide i should get some sleep. very handy!

my character has not said a single thing since i started playing. not one peep. this is an unmitigated improvement over Fallout 4 i'm so glad honestly

the more i poke around the big city the more the NPC quips feel like something out of gen-1 pokemon. can't get enough of this coffee :) this city is where it's at :) spacesuits are comfy and easy to wear

very strange sense of altered reality from the quest dialogue too. has anyone at bethesda met a person before? i move on to some mission that has me scanning wildlife on a faraway planet hoping this will, somehow, feel less alien than human conversation

just as with No Man's Sky, every planet is uniformly dotted with equidistantly-placed points of interest that you slowly make your way to (no vehicles besides your jetpack) which always turn out to be some cave or building identical to those you've cleared before

unlike with No Man's Sky, the seamless exploration is faked and the biodiversity is nil. you do get an impressive amount of raw loading screens however

the prefab bases and power stations found everywhere on planets seem to have very sparse, very specific slots for spawning consumables, which results in encountering some giant industrial installation in the middle of nowhere with, i don't know, a loaf of whole-grain sandwich bread just casually sitting next to it all proper. there is no breathable atmosphere here. who is eating this

planetary traversal is a CHORE. i am saying this as someone who loved Death Stranding

heinous "hold to confirm" buttons sprinkled in various flow-breaking places throughout the interface

enemy AI is abominable. nobody is pathing their way to get my ass. "must've been the wind" taken to the next level. an infant playing peekaboo has more object permanence

hoisting yourself up on ledges when jumping is…nice

companions randomly nowhere to be found. persists through multiple fast-travels and loading screens until, just as randomly, they pop back up

storage space is now limited! unlike in Fallout 4 and virtually every other bethesda game, your containers now hold a finite item capacity. god forbid we let the player have fun

baffling inventory UI. i imagine there's a mod out there that completely overhauls it the way SkyUI did for Skyrim. this should not be needed! how are your UIs getting worse a decade later!

scanning the precious few species inhabiting some dusty planet; one of them is this arching red root i've already seen several times before. my job done in this biome, i travel (read: teleport with a loading screen) to the polar region to find some other species. the first one i catalogue is the exact same red root again but this time it's named "boreas root" todd howard is a genius

some alien horror comes at me full fangs out. i hop on a pebble. obscenely, i am safe

procedural terrain generation beyond dull, impossibly unimaginative. these people have not had one critical thought on what makes a procedural world interesting. beginning to feel validated in my belief that only i should be trusted with proc gen. along with perhaps tarn adams

jokes aside this is making me feel genuinely insane. there have been excellent procedural generation techniques that produce compelling explorable maps for decades now. bethesda absolutely has the budget and know-how to do miles better than this yet somehow they just…do not? the same way Pokemon has decided to just no longer bother with their mainline games despite being the highest-grossing media franchise in history? hello? what is for real going on

some of the most cynical breadcrumbing i've seen in years. approaching some random cave and this person in space gear, who in the vast immensity of the infinite cosmos just happens to be snapping pictures right here, tells me more-or-less verbatim "if you like this place, you should see this other place" [other random cave has been added to your map.]

i do not like how good this makes No Man's Sky's gameplay look. it depresses me how much i have to hand it to No Man's Sky for at least not fucking up this bad. please stop making me wish i was playing No Man's Sky instead this is grotesque

i think i've exhausted my interest and patience for this game at the moment. i'll get back to the main story at some point and try some other systems ie. crafting and base-building to see if there's any engagement to be found but so far, my god. my god

[tingtangtone]

/Neg but hopefully the last time it's mentioned!

#tingtangtalk #Congrats to me- I'm going offical with it! #I am (socially) giving up!!! #Was at a party the other day and I was just as content laying down away from the activity and hearing everyone having a good time #as i was when they after much cajoling convinced me to join them at their table #And I've realized I am. SO very exhausted at the idea of trying to get people to genuinely enjoy me past a transaction/basic pleasantries! #And I have been for years!!!!! #No matter how much I've put in I haven't /felt/ someone else's affection in a genuine way in. At bare minimum five years but probably more! #And at that function I realized I don't even care since I can enjoy that they're happy without participating in their lives! #No constant sense of fucking up or worrying about what feels like an inevitable end #It's just nice to see them exist and make those connections now. #So I'm done!! I can still be affectionate towards others but as of now I won't expect to ever feel reciprocation in a way I want. #I cried about knowing I'll likely never have a romantic partner. And that sucks still ofc!!! #But now all my love varieties can be safely tucked back in the 'no expected returns' box! #Bc I want happiness for those I care about and evidence shows they get it just fine without me! #So as long as I can see that happiness once in a while that's all that matters!

[mifletzet]

Shoutout to those who can't get rid of chametz this year.

Those who can't clean as thoroughly as they'd like, either from sharing a living space with others or just not having the energy or ability to do so.

Those whose safe foods aren't kosher for passover.

This has been such a stressful year, and I know for me cleaning is exhausting when I'm at my best (and this year I Am Not)

So if you're stressed and anxious about cleaning, struggling with the idea of losing access to safe foods for a week, experiencing the anxiety inertia of "oh no why haven't I done anything yet and why can't I bring myself to", or just don't have the energy needed to clean, know that you're not alone 💛

#jumblr #pesach #passover #monster mutterings #between work and everything else i haven't had time or energy to even do laundry #nevermind clear out chametz