#THIS IS SO SHIT I CANT LOOK ANYMORE SO HERE

[runningthroughthegarden]

finally kissing you

the relationship you had with art was complicated to say that least. you had always tried your best to keep your feelings for him a secret. you didnt want to be just another girl pining over him. you were his best friend after all, your job was to support him, not fall in love with him. but that didnt matter anymore, cause you had fallen in love with him. and now you were burdened with the task of having to pretend like he was just your best friend.

-

it was a usual thursday night, after training you would head over to art’s place to study or watch a movie. tonight you decided the homework could wait and put on your favorite movie.

his arms clung around your waist as his head lay softly on your chest. you raked your fingers through his curls with a soft smile on your face. it was times like this you truly thought your relationship could be something more. that soon came crashing down.

“thank you y/n” he whispered so lightly you almost missed it.

“for what?” you softly giggled.

“just everything, i cant imagine what id do without you. dont tell patrick but i think youre my favorite best friend” he replied, quickly gazing up at you with a soft smile before snuggling back into you.

best friend. you knew thats all that this was, but the subtle reminder hit harder than youd like.

“yeah of course” you let out a small laugh to cover the break in your voice, tears threatening to spill.

you could tell by his change in breathing he had fallen asleep. before you knew it hot tears were spilling down your cheeks. this was so stupid. you knew you were just his best friend. but here you were crying as his arms clung around you and his breath tickled your neck.

you couldn’t take it anymore. you slowly slipped out of his grip to grab your things. taking one last look at his peaceful state, you left.

-

waking up on friday morning was honestly a shit show. you felt pathetic and just wanted to forget about all of it. so you decided it was time to move on.

it was no secret you had guys who would do anything to go out with you. you never paid them any attention cause you had art. but it was time to get over him so you decided to text a guy from one of your classes and asked if he wanted to hang out. he of course said yes so now you were in your dorm putting on your best dress to hopefully forget about art.

you truly felt so good about yourself and were excited to hang out with someone that wasnt patrick or art.

the date had gone shockingly well. the two of you had a lot in common and were laughing practically the entire time. still, a part of you ached. you felt yourself thinking back to art but tried to snap out of it as soon as you could.

he had offered to walk you back to your dorm which you kindly accepted. walking through the courtyard as the moon shined down you couldn’t help but wish it was art you were walking with. but you weren’t, you had to stop thinking like this.

“thank you for tonight, i had a lot of fun” you stop, looking up at him.

“yeah of course, im just glad i got the opportunity to take such a gorgeous girl out” he replys with a smile.

a blush creeps up on your face as he slowly starts to lean in. cupping your face with his hand, noses slightly touching.

“hey!” a voice you recognize all too well is shouting from behind you. oh my god.

stepping back from the boy you look to see art standing there. a flood of embarrassment washes over you.

“do you have a problem?” the guy asks putting his hand around your waist to pull you in.

“yeah i do get your hands off my girl!” art comes storming up pulling you away from him.

“you two are dating?” the guy steps back, clearly confused.

“no!”

“yes!”

you and art shout at the same time. looking at him with the most confused look on your face.

“it looks like you two have some things to sort out. i’ll see you in class y/n” he states with a sad smile and walks away.

“what the fuck is your problem?!?” you yell, turning back to face art.

“what is my problem? you’re the one who ditched me to go make out with some random guy!” he yelled back.

“why are you so mad?!”

“im not mad! i just think theres better people you could be kissing” he confesses.

“oh and who would that be?” you ask, angrily getting closer to him.

“me” he whispers.

“what?” every thought you had was now thrown out the window.

“i want you to kiss me” he confesses, stepping closer to you.

“but im just your…best friend” you whisper, feeling yourself get nervous under his gaze.

“y/n i think youre the love of my life”

his hands come up to cup your face.

“so can i please kiss you” he asks, desperation written all over his face.

without saying a word you smash your lips onto his.

#art donaldson x you #art donaldson x reader #art donaldson #mike faist #mike faist x reader #challengers

[a-dauntless-daffodil]

*grabs the Vanguard Vaggie idea and scuttles back under her goblin rug*

OKAY BUT

Imagine, like after they retreat back to heaven, the other exorcists...start talking. They start talking *behind Lute's back*.

At first it's pain and bitterness and betrayal at Vaggie fighting them. 'How could she do this? How could she hurt us?!'

Then, maybe during some hit and run nonsense that Lute has them doing, the conversation shifts. They start noticing that Vaggie doesnt go for the kill unless she has to. Doesn't maim. She always gives them the chance to run, to go home... And they start talking. They talk about those better times with the Vanguard. They wonder aloud why she fights for hell. And maybe, just maybe, they talk about how they miss her. They miss Vaggie. They miss having that feeling of her looking out for them.

I wonder how long it might take for one of them to linger. To lower their weapon. To take off their mask.

Even then, it takes a long time for the first exorcist to *stay* after they should have retreated. For them to ask for a place to stay. But as more and more start to come to Vaggie, to the *Vanguard*, and ask for a home...charlie cant help but be grinning as she holds Vaggie's hand.

ayyyyeeeeeee!!!!

what if there was that slooooow realization that when Vaggie was around, their vanguard, they all felt more like a team together. she liked things done Right and done Well- wasn't bothered with competing- took training and exterminations Seriously- kept them all sharp sure but also turned something that was just Adam's shits and giggles, just a GAME, into a purpose and a duty again. something to be proud of and do their BEST at (while still having fun)

so yeah when Adam and Lute come back with her halo saying she's sided with hell, betrayed them all, damned herself and gets to rot there with them- there's that anger. oh they HATE her for doing that-

because they miss her

and things were better, they all felt better, when she'd been around, and that's gone now and it's her fault

or adam and lute say so anyway

can you IMAGINE in this au, the shift when Lute 1v1s Vaggie... and doesn't come back to heaven with her head?? DOESN't beat her? and Adam's DEAD?

and so are so many of them actually- dead exorcists that vaggie helped kill, that vaggie helped fight off

why?

three years her being in hell and she'd never fought any of them or hurt any of her sisters when they came flying down- (and she COULD have) (used to be one of the BEST after all) it's only when they're sent after her HOME that she fights, almost as if-

as if killing isn't what she wants to do anymore, if she can help it

thats. not the same as turning against them. not the same as her siding with hell- even so lute and adam still wanted her dead, and even then, she'd let lute LIVE...

is that weakness and betrayal?

but she's not weak, if lute couldn't kill her. and she never killed any of them until they came after her. is that still betrayal?

or is it something else

is there anything kind of betrayal here. are they on the wrong side of it...

im not sure, if any of them would take off a mask willingly- risk hell-

i KNOW that even ONE moment of hesitation would get lute turning on them, just like she did with vaggie- worse maybe, now very aware of the danger of letting fallen angels live- HER mistake, not killing vaggie when she had the chance all those years ago

and if a wounded and abandoned exorcist staggered to the gate's of the hazbin hotel? if some of her other sisters went looking for her- KNOWING this time what the supposed 'betrayal' and 'sin' had been?

(a moment of hesitation)

(before one of them drops her weapon to knock on the hotel door)

yeah. they'd find charlie running to help them inside. probably already pulling out bandages- a demon with first aid gear in her pockets, always carried just in case, nothing like they were expecting-

they'd find their Vangaurd waiting there too, having gone ahead and made things safe for them to follow, just like always

that'd be pretty sweet

#hazbin hotel #vaggie #exorcist angels hazbin hotel #vangaurd vaggie au idea thingy #. #my eyes are crossing im half asleep and thiss has hurt #thank uuuuuu #yeeeee #wouldn't it be funny #if he exorcists turned into the GUARDIANS of hell #not #not because they like hell #but vaggie made them feel like they were doing ssomething important- keeping heaven safe- protecting angels- #not just #having fun serving up torment and death to sinners #and #if a sinner can become an angel #then #where does an exorcist owe their loyalty ? #the ones tellign them to kill souls that could be under their protection someday- #or the one who wants it to stop #who wants heaven to be what it was supposed to be #and wont fight for it otherwise #hmmm #heh #if sera tries getting ride of them all as a PR move #sends them to hell and doesn't open up a way back- get lute away- the last shameful reminder of her deal with adam gone #where would the exorcists go? #now that hell KNOWS they can be killed- where could they go to find safety? #hmmmmmmm

[pepsiboyy]

is it cool if i open up about something? i think i will rn

uhhh basically a few weeks ago i posted a lot about personal stuff going on in my life and ive decided to elaborate on it now.

my coworker is stalking me. actively.

i tried to give him the benefit of the doubt until i caught him taking pictures outside of my SCHOOL. he has no association with my school at all.

to put it simply, i fear going outside and consistently worry that i might run into him. he's been going to my hang out spots alone to see if he can find me when i go out with friends. he has been trying to spread rumors about me at work and has been even trying to talk to people who dont work there and are mutual friends. tried talking to me thru his discord status. i am so sick of it.

i really came here to tumblr to escape and write about my emotions, i feared going outside and locked myself in my room for about a week and feared even looking out the window because i felt like he would find a way to look through it.

it's so weird. genuinely. i reported him to hr and they closed my report for "no malicious intent" and he was like. Leaving shit on my car, like snacks and drinks and saying like "my frie3nd got me this and i didnt want it so i hope you like it" AFTER i told him if he ever spoke to me i would be reporting him like Nope nuh uh im sick im sone with this he stioll parks by me i still need help walking to my car i feel like a stupid helpless little girl who needs to hold someone's hand when cropssing the street but i feel like if he ever spoke to me again you would see my name on the headline of a news article like i genuinely just cant take it anymore i cant look at him or hear his voice i cant do it

#apollo yaps

[nakeurnes]

#bandudhfuwufhrbdjvhsbbgbfndjeybfnzuchdndhdbdbgbsjfyskiwurbrbcjdbfnskayfis8 ch dnbcje I fyebaichfnduwjfnoxuend hai fudbsja #i fucking hate being a system #i hate it here #i dont want to be here anymore let me out #let me out or take me out back and shoot me in the head #blah blah the SAME SHIT I KEEP FUCKING COMPLAINING ABOUT EVRTY SINGLE FUCKING YIME INCOME HERE AND CRY AND SOB AND COMPLAIN I JSUT ALWAYS #FUCKING XOMPLAIN HUH? maybe i should jsut shut thr fuck up forever #i dont even want. to yell about it anymore #i screamed for help last time and no one fucking helped me no one actually fucking listens and im tired #if you dont give a fuck about what im ACTUALLY saying and feeling dont just feel pity for me #im not a kicked dog i m asking for HELP #but okay . thats fine . #ill jsu t go bash my head on a wall. #this is just great too cuz youre gonna see this and assume its you and youre right! its partially you im going fucking insane #and its mean for me to be like this and do this but i cant #i just give up now i literally am . giving up i dont have the energy to try and keep fucking foing yhis #i front once every 2 months to everyones distain and sob uncontrollably for hours and then go to sleep and eventuallly find someone else #to come here and front so i dont have to look myself in the mirror #i dont even know how started this rant anumore jone of this makes sense #if you see this and you know who you are just dont even. mention it i dont want to talk about it #its always the same shit ans the same shit keeps fucking happening and i keep getting worse so whatever . #yeah ur gonna feel bad and pitiful and im gonna feel like a piece of shit even though i do this ervery fucjing time #id off myself atp if that was a fucking option #whatevrr . im not tagging this shit on who it is if u dont know play a guessing game akd if you do then congrats go finger ur ass or smth #I will regret this in the morning but wt v . #stnkkkk if u read this then thank u for sloppy jane req i sobbed quite hard while lsitening to it 10/10 /pos #youd yave to be reading pretty far atp to see this but wtv .

[bethiewhimsy]

i’ve been stricken with so many problems.

#1) the fucking yearning. go away. i don’t need romantic love. it SUCKS and it’s BAD. disgusting. #2) a sudden repulsion for skirts???? WHAT THE HELL. I LOVE SKIRTS. BUT I CANT BRING MYSELF TO WEAR THEM RN. it’s so fucking weird. #3) i have to actually decide what to do with my life. like. big things. like getting a damn apartment. #4) the crippling fear of growing up has resurfaced. i just turned 20. i don’t want to do this shit anymore. #anyway i’m fine 👍 #i suppose this is a vent post??? but in the tags. #haven’t vented on tumblr dot com in a hot hot hot minute #not since my irl friend started following me (hopefully they’re not reading this but if they are: hi) #ranting in the tags feels SO much safer. like. no one’s coming in here #OH ANOTHER THING. #5) a fucking midterm is here and it takes EFFORT. #it’s whatever im just feeling feelings and that’s all right #at least i have a fun little thing to look forward to this weekend #im going to see a ballet !!! #but damn……::::that makes me think about how i’ll never actually do anything with my life. #like we can’t all be on the stage but hell #like??? the knowledge that it only gets worse from here???????????? what the actual hell #and sometimes i think about how i’ll always have to be in the closet. #which sometimes im completely fine with and other times it hurts me a lot #idk. IDK. #anyway. im 20 and i don’t know what im doing with my life and ive never had a lover and i don’t have many friends #and i don’t have any passions or dreams or goals and we’re all only here to one day die. #damn i guess this is why people journal #maybe i should pick up journaling #i think it’d help tbh #anyway im rlly truly actually done now #edit: I HAVE ANOTHER PROBLEM #6) MY PERIOD IS MAKING ME UPSET. everything hurts and im gonna be so nauseous and gross tomorrow help me. pain & agony #7) i cant fall asleep!!!!!!!!!!! but im so tired!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #8) im gonna have to sit thru a transphobic + misogynistic + toxic ass chapel teaching tomorrow.

[badlydrawnsbahj]

idfk what to post and now i have school so auggdhd dies

#sorry that i like. barely upload here anymore the hyperfixation got replaced #and also i forgot how to draw them. #this looks like shit but uhhh i was doing it during class so who cares #blurtgfffhfh #sbahj #sweet bro and hella jeff #hella jeff #shitty doodles #i cant believe they made hella jeff into a real persin. wow.

[girlwiththegreenhat]

you ever hate on something you've never played/watched/read for what are still moderately good reasons given the circumstances, and then decide to go and play/watch/read the thing just to be fair. just to give it a chance

and then you were not only Right but its Worse Somehow and you're actually just more pissed off now

#liz blogs #vocaloid #this post is about project se\\kai. what a garbage ass replacement of project diva oh my god #i dont care about any of these random ass teenagers why does my vocaloid game have all these other guys in it #why are there 238928934 currencies why does it take so long to unlock new songs its just all too much and so convoluted #i wanted a rhythm game not a rhythm game that takes a backseat to visual novel and gacha game and watch 3298 ads #GET THIS OTHER BULLSHIT OUTTA HERE #i thought rhythm game on a touchscreen was a bad enough idea but i wanted to be FAIR because project diva doesnt get updated anymore #even though that was THE vocaloid game for a fucking decade and they replaced it with hot flaming dogshit oh my god #its just every other fucking mobile game im gonna start biting people #im in my Hater Year but i'm actually fucking right about everything aaaAAAAAAAAA #and look. i didn't play it for too long because it was just too fucking annoying and overwhelming. but it seems like you can only #play x amount of songs in a day before you run out of energy. which you need to Buy #you get more when you level up! it recharges! but it seems that it takes longer and longer to do that #thts the only Complaint i have that i cant actually verify because i would need to play longer and i am Not doing that #but if im right. thats the biggest load of shit of all #just go back to making project diva games. let me pay for the game so i can play interrupted without all this other BS in my face #AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA #the like... two little visual novel bits i saw that Just had vocaloids in them were cute. i will be real with u. but who are these like #six teams of random ass teenagers i dont know and dont care about. why did u put non vocaloids in da vocaloid game. are you nuts #maybe i just need to figure out how to mod project diva cuz at this point lord knows theyre not doing anything else with it #if you wanted to have other characters sega do u know how many Other vocaloids there are. you didnt have to invent random boring teenagers #pullin a fuckin transformers and backseating your Title Characters to a bunch of random ass humans im not here for #except you charlie watson from bumblebee i love you mwah

[citrinide]

Tjats a new one to add to the therapy conversations huh

#oh hey the thing I literally said was probably the issue was the issue and *I* fixed it look at that #but yes we definitely need to go through the process of forking over these to a store thatll literally just #tell you the exact fucking thing I did with a high ass price tag #because you personally are so shit with technology and refuse to believe I'm actually right about ANYTHING. #My phone is fine. Sucks for you that youre the only one experiencing problems (that i fixed. because you put it in too loosely.) #but this is literally none of our issue. #also how fucking stupid do you have to be to look at your comp sci major child WHO LIVES NOWHERE NEAR CAMPUS AND HAS NO OTHER WSY TO COMMUNI #CATE and go 'yeah Im sure you dont need your phone for your ~6 away from home and with public transport :)' #LIKE ARE YOU ACTUALLY THIS FUCKING STUPID??? #AN ISSUE THAT I FIXED SO EASILY. AND YOU'RE DOUBLING DOWN TO THIS DEGREE INSTEAD OF ADMITTING YOU JUMPED THE SHARK #cecil.fm #ours work perfectly fine now that i fixed it 'yeah well im still going to need your phones >:( also remove your lock >:(' #be honest. are you just mad you dont have an 'acceptable' excuse to go through my shit anymore because im an adult? #because i. yknow. kinda fucking need it FOR on campus communication. emails to staff dont just manifest out of nowhere #i cant just telepathically convey information to my group project partners who may not even be ON campus #i can NOT WAIT to get the fuck out of here oh my god #need a tea or smth tmrrw jfc.

[smrookie]

i have lost respect for some of my closest friends w how they are reacting to the genocide in palestine

#like. she made a very iffy post on ig abt how its annoying to see ppl being fake woke abt politics #and like. i had a conversation abt how thats a really shit and disappointing take #and even tho we've sort of settled this discussion i cant even look at her the same anymore #and her whole thing was . oh im js gonna be neutral cuz i cant do anything abt the situation #i guess what upset me the most r how many more ppl in my life could be thinking like this but js not saying it #the only ppl being vocal r literally the brown ppl..... dni if ur not from singapore but e asians here rly dgaf abt brown issues lol #and when i say brown issues i really just mean any poc except themselves #which sucks! bc theyre the majority in sg and their voices matter so muchhhhbughhhhdhjd

[benderbendingrodriguez]

not been a good day today fellas

#i miss my ex i have no irl friends that i hang out with anymore because of that #cant believe i used to be happy!! lol!!! #thee suicidal thoughts have come back #lost the good old self harm battle 14 days into 2024 #i want to die!!! lol!!!! lmao!!!!!!!! #vent #get me out of here fr this shit fucking sucks #i don’t want to work at this job i have no friends i have no prospects #im scared of driving even tho i just got my permit again a couple days ago #i feel like im never going to do anything productive with my life #i hate the way i look i hate this fucking body i was born into #i hate god etc etc #i cant ever have confidence in a relationship again because im afraid they’re not really attracted to me #and they’re doing it for a joke or something #surely there’s a word for that #idk! i feel like i will never fit in with anybody because of the way i am #(homeschooled autistic idiot raised jehovah’s witness) #not to mention the fact that im queer #god!! i fucking hate everything right now myself most of all #im so sick of this i wish i had a different life #why couldn’t i have been born a skinny dude. #maybe then i’d want to kill myself slightly less #also pls don’t comment on this im going to bed #ill be fine eventually i dont have an actual way to do anything

[wabblebees]

assigning me homework is cruel and unusual, actually

#my brain is fucked. literally why are u making me do this shit. its fucking ridiculous #complain complain whine complain #whine whine bitch moan complain whine #scream. tear hair out. consider running away to the mountains #realise im already in the mountains and i still have to do this shit #grrrRRAAAGH. #the assignment is to read 30 pages of our textbook and take notes in an Atrocious & Exceedingly Specific Format that my brain DOES NOT LIKE #it does not FUCKING COMPUTE. and its making me so frustrated that i cant even READ anymore #after exactly One Hour of reading my entire brain went NOPE WE'RE DONE HERE and now its been TWO hours #the whole point is so we have a ~reference book~ to look back at in the future when it may be relevant! but what that Actually means is #YOUR HOMEWORK IS TO REWRITE THE TEXTBOOKAND MAKE YOUR OWN ✨️EMOTIONAL CONNECTIONS✨️ TO THE TOPICS COVERED #sir. if i told u the ✨️emotional connections✨️ i am making to this textbook #my mother would tackle me to wash my mouth out with soap. ''respectfully.'' #the professor (derogatory)((<-the guy teaching isnt even technically a professor)) didnt even make up this assignment or the curriculum #he just got the job bc all of the other ACTUAL department faculty refused. bc this sucks ass. #he talks FOREVER abt some tangent & THEN is like 'hm. so we dont have time for the things i planned to do in class today. what do we do.' #WHY SHOULD WE KNOW. THATS YOUR JOB #and i like him (sort of.)((i at least want to be decent to him yanno?)) but this is fucking insane. i hate it here #id be so on board to read this textbook and learn this shit if i didnt have to take those GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING NASTY-ASS NOTES. FUCK. #this shit is legitimately so interesting to me!! but knowing i have to do ALL THAT?? #makes my brain book it out the back of my skull like a fucking looney-toons skit. makes it go kablooey. leaves no trace but a dust cloud #thinking abt this assignment has been making my attention span so skittery that i havent been able to work on my OTHER homework Either #ugh. whatever #ill get over it & finish eventually. i just. the textbook is ALREADY oversimplifying so much #so im sitting here highlighting nearly fucking EVERYTHING. and then cant figure out what to actually take down as nOtEs #30 pages. of which im supposed to distill ''the 4-5 most important pieces of information from each page'' #meaning my shit in ~column a~ should have. AT L E A S T. 120 FUCKING BULLET POINTS??? #and THEN. im supposed to put an equivalent amount of ✨️personal connections✨️ in ~column FUCKING b~ #fuck me ig. fuck. #bee speaks

[girlhorse]

truly been at my limit for a long time now and i dont know what to do anymore

#gab gabs #my jobs keep me too busy and tired to look for work but they dont pay me enough to live. like at all. I'm in debt and i cant get out #i cant move back in with my parents bc i think my step dad would make me more miserable tjan i am now..plus i cant afford the move anyway #im so fucking stupid for thinking i could do ok living here and working with dogs #i dont even feel like i can work full time rn because of my dog and i cant offload him onto my roommates or afford care for him #I'm just truly not sure what to do anymore and i know I'm not going to be able to afford my bills again this month lorl #sorry for venting on main i have pushed a lot of people away and i dont think they want ti help me anymore or hear from me becaue its the #same thing over and over again from me and they're probably tirwd of it bc i refuse to help myself #trying my best to do the graphkc design shit but if i cant afford to pay bills in the meantime what am i supposed yo do

[piplupod]

genuinely very :( because i looked at the doesthedogdie page for the sandman and here we are yet again w the excessive gore !!!! i am so fsjdfjkl tired of it!!! i cannot watch it now bc wowzas there is. a lot of shit in there. RIP me and my sensitive little snowflake soul i guess :/

#rly frustrated w myself that i can't watch any mainstream shit these days bc everything has just disgusting amounts of gore #i can do violence and blood and even the occasional internal organ #but GOD. so much of this stuff is incredibly realistic (which is cool i guess! but why!!) and its just. Overkill honestly #im just fhsdhghsgjkl why cant i be normal and desensitized to all of it #why do i have to be such a fucking wimp about it #also i can't even do much for blood these days bc my brain will see it and start fixating on relapsing in SH lmao #genuinely feel like such a fucking wuss and like i just should not be allowed to live bc i'm such a fucking idiot abt things jdsfjkl #anyways. lowkey upset bc it looks like such a cool concept and plotline but of COURSE i cannot handle shit in it #because EVERY cool show these days has to have excessive gore and suicide/SH implications/references #fucking tired of it. make better shows honestly fjsfjkl #but then also maybe im being a prude so idk #i feel like a wuss and i also feel like maybe im right but also maybe im just being a prude and killing art by criticizing this #so. who the fuck knows. im tired and i cannot have a single thought anymore without picking it apart into little pieces #self harm mention #suicide mention #ALSO HI LOL DID YOU MISS ME VENTING ON HERE :))))) IM SO SORRY THAT IM BACK i'll try to stay quiet more though lol

[theantiproduct]

.

#everytime i open this app it looks completely different #anyways heres a lil update rant tired blabbering tags post cause why nottttt #so my health is shit and i have about 300 test to get done and i honestly am so stressed out over this that i cant even function #and u know whats funny about it all is i originally went to the doc to maybe get diagnosed with adhd and i was which duh but thennnn #the funniest thing happened #took the meds and i was actually feeling a lot better and more productive! who knew thats an option but then my dic was like #we should do an ekg just to make sure youre good to take these #so obviously my hr was super high which let to more tests and more experts and haha i cant do this anymore its exhausting #so i cant take my adhd meds and i have an appointment every other day for the next month #oh and btw when i was feeling better for like a week or two i started dating again cause why not! do not have enough going on atm #met this guy been on a few dates but its nothing really i guess right cause i cant get myself to kiss him even tho i want to #cause im so scared of intimacy and so scared of being vulnerable so he's probably gonna ditch soon cause why wouldn't he and #what am i doing trying to date when i have these issues #i just want something good yknow im so tired and i just need like a good cuddle #im gonna be visiting my brother in January after 3 years of not seeing him and the kids but thats obviously stressing me out too #cause covid and planes and big sad but idk we'll see if it wont get cancelled like my last trip did #good rant ty tumblr for not shutting down yet #personal #update i have an autoimmune disease and 300 more tests to do and pills to take #fun to be me

[depresseddepot]

so like. after i realized i had adhd it felt like my adhd got worse bc i was seeing symptoms everywhere, but it was really just bc i was paying full attention to it for the first time. now that i know i have autism too, it's doing the same thing, where i feel like its getting worse and harder to manage so i'm going to have to get really good at acting really quickly or i'm going to have to figure out how to not have a mental breakdown when my masking isn't working like it's supposed to

#i know nobody asked but. ive been out of sorts for the last month now #im also trying to keep this relatively light hearted but uh. uh! i don't know anymore if my personality is something i made up or not! #my sense of self is completely tied to my ability to mask and adapt to social situations i don't understand and it isn't working right now! #who am i outside of this construct!! bc right now i feel like im 10 years old again wearing the costume of a 21 year old!!!! #have i really not progressed past that!!!!!!! has all of my efforts just been to improve this fucking shell and not who i actually am!!!! #anyway. light hearted. #i hoping this is just exacerbated by current events and not like. the way my life will be from now on #i repressed that shit so desperately and hated myself so much i didn't even stop to think that maybe it was something i couldn't change #ive always been too slow at changing behaviors or too hard to understand etc etc #so i just repressed everything that was making me that way and somehow came to believe they were personal faults and not. u know. symptoms. #cant look anyone in the eye and am so tense in public settings i get exhausted right away from sheer exertion? #yeah that must be normal. im just a piece of shit who can't grow up and am so stupid my peers are passing me by ♡ /s #can't do anything new socially like making a phone call unless i see someone else do it first so i can copy their words and make a script? #yeah its definietly normal to have a social ability completely made up of patchwork quotes /s #and get paralyzed when someone asks something The Script can't answer bc you don't know how to use your own words #hmm. hmm! i hate myself (and i hate living here ♡)

[two-calicos-in-a-trenchcoat]

I lowkey wanna buy a polaroid izone camera off ebay or something

Cuz it was my first camera that wasnt a disposable camera and I have literally all my other cameras....well technically I also had a tiny camcorder that I also lost but all my other cameras meant for taking photos specifically. I unfortunately also dont have any of the pictures I took with my izone anymore cuz I got that thing for my 5th birthday and considering I was a child for a good chunk of the last 19 years I had a tendency of losing things.

I do however remember at least 3 of the pictures I took with it tho. I can see them in my mind in very clear detail and its extremely frustrating that I no longer have them.

Pretty sure one was actually the first one I ever took which was a picture of mercedes in my grandparents living room.

One was a picture of this stuffed cat I had....possibly still have but im not sure where it is.....that purred when it was moved, sitting on my grammys recliner.

And the 3rd is a super over saturated picture of my preschool best friends face but you could only see her eyes and teeth in it. And also the outline of her hair.

#up until that birthday for as long as i can remember i liked to carry around disposable cameras long after id used up the film #and pretend to take pictures of things #i think i also enjoyed stimming with the wheel used to wind the film #and pushing the button was cool too but less so when it ran out of film cuz it didnt make the satisfying clicking sound anymore #camera flash sounds on phones could never compete #theyre always just a little too high pitched #old film cameras are a little more satisfying tho #i really wish i had a dark room so i could use my film camera more #idk if ive ever posted a picture of it here but its literally my dream camera from highschool #and my grandparents just happened to find it for $25 at a garage sale AND it came with a bunch of different lenses #and i havent gotten a chance to play around with any of them cuz my photography class in college didnt offer many chances to #and i havent tried since cuz...films expensive....and i have no way to get it developed or make prints..... #so that makes it kinda hard to test out #like...cool. took a picture....i have no way of knowing how it looks. #i even have a shit ton of photo paper i never got to use cuz i ended up dropping out that semester #and i cant even play around and make prints of any of the film i DO have developed cuz i dont have a fuckin dark room #or the proper chemicals #ugh #some day #some day i will have a dark room.