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totally-not-using-a-fake-name · 6 years

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Nobody’s Around Prt 4

Prompt: Your highschool is known to be haunted. When doing some homework after hours, you hear a voice telling you the answers.

Dedicated to: @sin-cerely-mi, who indirectly gave me the idea. @jared-kleinmen, @i-used-to-wear-the-fedora and @nyancheetosmusical, y’all might enjoy this too? Maybe?

DISCLAIMER: I don’t mean to villainise any character, but the story is from Connor’s POV, and he doesn’t have an exemplary relationship with his family. I think all of the characters are deveoped and have their own depths, but it doesn’t show the way I want it to, because of the way the story ended up.

Warnings (also in the tags): Smoking, cursing, references to self harm, references to suicide, depressive thoughts, intrusive thoughts

“Do you like your parents?”

Hansen asked out of the blue one day. They were a few months into their sessions, and Hansen finally felt brave enough to actually talk. Sure, he stammered, talked too fast or about random things, but that was just Hansen. Honsestly, the ghost was good company.

Connor looked up from the english assignment and made a face.

“Hell no. Helecoptor bastards who want a perfect son and not the waste of space they raised. They hate me, they hate each other, and they should break up.”

Hansen flinched. Connor wondered if he had been too blunt. Just like Hansen, he was learning how to talk to people, but Hansen just sighed.

“I just... I miss my mom? Sometimes? I just, wonder if she ever became a paralegal. She was training when I- you know.”

Connor hummed. Hansen talked about his mom sometimes, never his dad. Connor got the hint.

“Maybe... try reach out to your parents.”, Hansen gestured to himself. “I know you think that the bond is unmendable, but you never know when it’s gonna be too late.”

His family noticed something when his grades started spiking. The school emailed the reports home and Zoe got praise, like always. Connor slunk to his room, not bothering to stick around for the resulting screaming match. ‘Your grades are shit and so are you’ was a frequent one between him and Larry. When his mom tapped on his door, he almost turned her away. But then she would tell Larry, and he would come up. Connor didn’t want that.

“Come in.”

He called from the bed. Cynthia walked in with a copy of his report in hand, Connor braced himself for the quiet dissapointment, but she was... smiling?

“Hey honey, I just wanted to say that I’m so proud of you. Look at this!”

She held out his report. A in Calc, B in English, B in Musical Theory, C in Psycology, A in Art, A in Biology. He had Hansen to thank for that last one.

“Honey, these are great. I’m so happy to see you’re doing better.”

Connor had barely realised. Sure, he was doing his homework. The greenhouse sessions were actually forcing him to study, and Hansen just looked so sad when Connor talked about bailing the classes...

He was passing.

For the first time in two years, he was passing.

Cynthia carefully reached out, trying for a hug. Connor almost pulled away, but then folded into the embrace.

“You never know when it’s gonna be too late.”

He owed his mom this much.

“Do you have siblings?”

Evan looked up from the daffodils as Connor asked him. Evan shook his head.

“I know my dad has kids with his new wife, but I never met them, why?”

“I have a sister and I treat her like shit.”

Evan set his jaw, he had been growing bolder as they grew closer. Connor didn’t think he’ ever been so close to someone before, he had a feeling Evan felt the same.

“Well then, you should fix that, shouldn’t you?”

Connor kncked on Zoe’s door with a bottle of nail polish in one hand and a fistful of hairties in the other. He was nervous, So fucking nervous. He had worked this out with Evan the other day, but ut seemed so stupid now. Of course she wouldn’t want to-

Zoe opened the door.

“What do you want Connor?”

She sounded irritated. Abort, abort!

“This is yours.”

He held out the black nail polish, he had swiped it years ago, but could never bring himself to use it. It felt like steling from her. He had done enough.

Zoe took it, surprised.

“Yes it is... wait, did you steal it?”, Connor turned to walk away, unwilling to answer. “You have paint in your hair by the way.” She noticed. Connor froze.

This was it.

This was his chance.

He took a deep breath and turned around.

“It was in the way, I was painting.”, he gingerly held up the hairties, suddenly blushing. Why was this so hard? “Can you- Do you want to braid it for me?”

Connor stormed into the greenhouse with a scowl on his face. Evan was there to greet him, like always. He seemed to sense the stormclouds, but pressed onwards anyway.

“Connor?”

Stupid fucking-

He whirled on the blonde.

“Why the fuck did you do it? Why the fuck did you kill yourself?”

Connor couldn’t control himself.

“I fucking need you, and you don’t even exist. You make me so much better, but you’re-”

Connor growled, frustrated. Biting at his fingers in a desprate bid to get some of the frustration out. His parents had taken him on the skiing trip with the Harrises and his mom had smiled and said he could take a friend. Connor’s mind had flown to Evan, but then he had remembered.

He had been stuck at that resort for a week, angrily thinking about Evan and his soft voice and his big heart and thought

What a waste.

Evan was a waste. He shouldn’t be dead. He shoudl be out there, saving the rainforest or some shit. Not in a greenhouse in a highschool, spending the rest of forever growing plants no one looked at and helping Connor with his homework. What a waste.

Evan looked so small, so shocked. They didn’t talk about the fact that Evan had killed himself. It was tabboo between them, but Connor had stomped all over that like a bull in a china shop. He stormed right up to Evan.

“Why? You love trees and your mom and can name every plant species in here, why did you-”

Evan was crying.

Big, ugly tears rolling down his face.

“I don’t- I don’t know- I was so- so alone- and I had no frie- friends and everyone thought I was weird and-”

Evan dissolved into even larger sobs. Connor froze. This had not been the plan.

“Well... I’m your friend, aren’t I? And I don’t think you’re weird. Please stop crying.”

Evan kept wailing, but he leaned closer to Connor as he did. It was cold, but Connor could deal. Evan couldn’t phsically touch him, so he would give Evan whatever he could.

Connor stared across the table at his father.

“Connor.”

“Larry.”

The women of the house were out, leaving the boys alone. Eight months ago that would have been a recipie for disaster, now?

They had both prepared for this conversation, terrified of what the other was going to say. They looked at one another, wanting a sign. A hint. Not wanting to be the first one to make a move.

Eventaully, Connor broke.

“I have something to give you.”

Connor got up and went upstairs. He grabbed the baseball glove his dad had given him a few years back and went back down the stairs. He handed it to his dad.

“I’m never gonna be the son you wanted. I’m not into sports, I struggle to pay attention in class. I’m not gonna be a millionare.”

Larry nodded, looking down at the glove in his hands.

“But.. I am your son, in all my fucked up, angry glory. We don’t have to get along, but-”

Connor was cut off as his father caught him in a hug.

“I’m sorry.” Larry said, holding him tightly. “I’m sorry that I ever made you feel like you were less than enough. I only wanted what I thought was best and I failed and made it worse. Yu’ve tried so hard and done so well. I am so proud of you, Connor.”

Connor closed his eyes, a few stray tears slipping down his face.

“Thanks La- Thanks dad.”

#deh #dear evan hansen #evan hansen #connor murphy #zoe murphy #larry murphy #tw cursing #tw death #tw suidice

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spilledinkisms · 7 years

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lost myself again, and i feel unsafe.

introduction para: roman kaamil “ghost” dawes.

word count: 6405.

so i finally finished this thing! it took me longer than i expected because of some extreme writer’s block and other issues, but i finally was able to get this typed out after so long of having this rolling around in my head. roman’s story is so much more than this and i wish i could write out everything about him for anybody that would wanna read it, but i think this is a pretty good start so far.

@hearmefeelme @nxvxragain

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flying.

roman feels like he's flying sometimes.

he doesn't exactly knows where it comes from or how it affects him so suddenly or why it comes and goes in small spurts of time and never remains, but he's addicted to the feeling and the thrill it gives him. he's a bolder person, he's a brighter person, he's a happier person - and just the mere thought of it makes his smile grow wide and his heart pound strong, because he's finally able to live how he's supposed to have been all of this time.

he has confidence that comes from nowhere and faith that is unwavering. his stutter lessens with every word he speaks. his head doesn't bow and his shoulders stay squared. his eyes are wide and bright but not from anxiety or worry, but something more... something good.

though he doesn't quite know if anybody else has noticed the change in him, and to roman that is when the test begins.

the kids at school are the first to notice his new demeanor; he gets spoken to more and less pushed around by the other boys, and isn't hiding in the library during lunch period anymore. it’s such a strange sentiment to think that he’s been ignored by everyone for so long but the slightest change in him is noticeable to them, and while it's a feat in itself to be so suddenly accepted and regarded as equal by his peers it takes a while for the normalcy of his school days to sink in.

when his family notices, it's drastic. it takes them much longer to see the change in their son and brother, but roman hadn't expected anything more - they hadn't taken much notice of him before, why would that change now? roman doesn't think too much of it and is surprised at the positivity he receives from the others at his newfound attitude, and it isn't much longer before it's shown outwardly to him.

his mother is radiant. anara looks at him with this expression of happiness and pride when she notices the shift in his confidence and attitude. she seems to be more receptive to him and more understanding, and he's in awe of the nurturing side of her that appears again after so long of being gone from him. the tenderness she so easily gives him is something he rarely gets to experience anymore that he grows overwhelmed at trying to soak it all in on the off chance it goes away.

his father regards him with such a foreign sense of joy that roman doesn't know how to take it at first. adam claps him firmly on his shoulder as he pulls him into a hug, a physicality he doesn't usually dole out to either of his sons but gives it to roman without hesitation. they have actual conversations - ones that aren't lectures or speeches to try and 'perk up' his mood, and ones that aren't him gently chastising the softness that roman usually embodies in hopes that he'll "toughen up" - but something genuine and heartfelt that a father should have with his son, and the connection he once thought was severed between them is soon restored.

nimah plays video games with him one day after her track practice and they spent most of the night laughing and joking in a way they never have before, and when they're both dog-tired at school the next day from their lack of sleep she gives him a goofy grin when they pass each other in the halls. she goes from feeling like a distant relative back to his big sister, to the little girl that he used to trail behind on the playground and sit on her lap during dinner while she snuck him bites of her dessert. it's like meeting an old friend all over again and it's a comfort he hadn't known he was even missing.

sasha goes from being the peacemaker and his one-woman defense squad back to just his little sister. their conversations aren't one-sided run-throughs of roman's emotional state and her playing adolescent therapist, but lighthearted banter about sasha's middle school crushes and her frustrations about playing in the orchestra and the normal issues any 12 year old would have. he can see how at ease and relaxed she feels around him now and he knows it's because of the freedom she has to not worry about him anymore, and if anybody deserved to be a worry-free kid out of any of them it was his baby sister.

all of it is incredible; it makes roman feel like he's actually a part of the family instead of an addition that just doesn't belong - the usual odd one out, but not anymore. the bond he now seems to have with his family in his new ‘normal’ state is distinct and unique, something he hadn’t expected by any means, but even with the most dramatic of changes in the dawes family dynamic nothing is as striking as the shift between roman and maddox.

it's always a difficult thing to explain to someone who isn't a twin what it feels like to have a rift between your biological other half, so nobody fully understood the pain and turmoil roman dealt with on a daily basis with the obvious distance and lack of a relationship he had with maddox. if reuniting with nimah is akin to meeting an old friend and having sasha back makes everything feel right, then having maddox be his brother again is what sends his world back into orbit. his phantom limb has been reattached, the hole in his heart is being mended, he's been out in the middle of the sea with flailing arms and lungs full of salt water only to feel his lifesaver being thrown out to save him - it's a merging and coming together that roman couldn't have even fathomed in his wildest dreams and he'd keep pinching himself to make sure it's all real if maddox hadn't caught on and made him stop.

it starts off with maddox like it does with nimah; a night of video games and junk food and laughter that hasn't been shared in excess in very long, and it doesn't take long before one night turns into three and fades into weekends of holing up in one of their bedrooms with controllers in hand. maddox, unlike the others, starts off small; a pass of their old secret handshake done after their gym class when they go to their next period, a ruffle of his hair and teasing push of his shoulder in passing, and the teasing that borders on harmless and trivial - nothing like the venom he's used to hearing from his brother, and he even finds himself reciprocating the treatment with a newfound ease. things are suddenly so relaxed and casual between them that roman doesn't know how it can get any better - until maddox tugs him into his room to show him the art he's been working on and asks to see some of roman's, and it takes the younger male a moment to steady himself and hold back his tears at the thought of them getting to share something that special with each other again, actually having to wrack his brain to remember the last time their art was shared with each other and the memory escapes him. the way his entire world has been turned upside down in the best way possible has lured roman into a state of hope with an eagerness to do more, to try and show his brother that he's finally going to be the twin that maddox has always hoped for but wasn't able to have.

when it starts to amp up the entire family takes notice and changes accordingly, falling back into the childhood routine of referring to the pair as a unit and treating them as one. roman isn't sure when maddox and roman turned back into "maddox&roman", but roman has never been one to look a gift horse in the mouth - if people were starting to reacquaint themselves to their twindom after wanting that for so long he wasn't going to question it or complain about it. he gets waved to and smiled at by other students, high-fived in the halls by the same guys who used to push him around, and invites to house parties aren't given to him to pass off to his brother - they're for them both and when the pair show up with all of the dawes' flair maddox has made his own, roman can actually feel that half of the eyes staring at them are gazing at him, not for the sake of being maddox's identical sidekick but for them finally being equal.

he wonders how much longer it'll last; if this bravado stemming from a place unknown will one day fade and leave him to his own devices and have him scrambling as things go back to before. he wonders how he'll be able to handle his return to anonymity and being ostracized coupled with the loss of his family all over again when that moment finally comes, but instead of a fade away back into the routine he’s known for so long he gets a punch forward that has him brazen in a way he's never been. he's fearless and elated and invigorated in such a sense that roman almost wonders how he went so long without this feeling, that he's spent so much of his life hiding in the shadows and letting his sensitivities run him ragged when this could've been his life all along. he still doesn't know what to call this sudden revelation or how to explain it to anybody else, or why his change in mood is enough to make people treat him like somebody worth caring about, but as long as it keeps making his life better he figures he won't have to explain it - he can just forget about the past few years of his life and make the best with the gift he’s been given now. he keeps running on 10 on a daily basis without any means of stopping; he accepts more affection from his mother and spends more time with his father, becomes sasha's confidante instead of the other way around and finds himself back in nimah's good graces as her sweetheart baby brother, and he goes from being a nuisance and burden on maddox into his proper other half in a short amount of time. it's a new facet of his life that he doesn't see himself getting rid of and he only wants more of it, wants to continue being the person he's always wanted and the person that everyone deserved to have, and nothing will stop him from achieving that goal.

being on 10 is more than fine, has been perfect for roman so far in this journey of turning his life around for the better. he feels like, during his time of being different, he was operating on a solid 2, but after this new change he was fully convinced that the 10 wavelength he was on was the highest number on the scale he could reach when it came to his new outlook on life.

that is, until it isn't.

a 10 is fine. an 11 isn't noticeable and a 12 barely makes anybody bat an eye. his exuberance is see as his foray into coming out of his shell and he’s cheered on by everyone around him when they see his confidence increase.

when he gets to a 15 he goes to get his nose pierced on a whim and ends up cutting his hair all in the span of a few hours, his family attributes it to his new wild and daring persona and doesn’t question it much, only wanting him to do whatever makes him happy and gives him more freedom after so long of being without it. everyone is convinced that he's alright, simply because roman doesn’t think anything is wrong himself, but when the numbers start to climb into a territory that he’s never before seen and his elevated mood turns him into a person nobody seems to recognize it starts to feel as if maybe this was all too good to be true like he thought.

his actions to stay on his family's good side never end, they're relentless and determined in a way that starts to worry sasha and has nimah becoming more watchful over roman. his parents were always clueless when it came to caring for him how he needs so they keep any concerns or questions to themselves, and maddox sees this unhinged side of roman as just being his brother being adventurous after so long of being afraid, and instead of trying to quell the rebellion he can see brewing behind his brother’s matching eyes he does whatever he can to advance it. they sneak alcohol when nobody's looking and smoke on the back porch late at night, steal their parents' keys and take joyrides when they can and get multiple detention slips for skipping class. the straight A’s start to dwindle and his absences from his art classes don’t go unnoticed, and when phone calls from the principal start to come in about his behavior he’s only told to rein it in a little by his father. chalking it up to ‘boys being boys’ or ‘teenage angst’ as the reasoning for the departure of roman’s usual scholarly manner, adam dawes is able to talk down his wife’s anger at the disobedience of both of her sons – not willing to fail when it comes to raising her children in the stern way she had become accustomed to for so long. all it takes is a few disappointed looks from his mother when report cards come in that has all of the rowdiness that maddox encompasses becoming a sense of calm. he plays around and slacks off more than he’s willing to admit but he’s able to step up when it counts, and with the synergy he’s been experiencing with his brother lately it’s safe to assume that roman will soon follow suit like usual.

it isn’t the first time someone’s assumptions of roman turned out to be wrong, but it’s the time that will stick out in their minds during all moments to come.

defiant isn’t a word anybody would usually attribute to roman, neither insolent or troublesome, but things have changed – roman has changed – and the descriptors never once used by others are slowly seeming to be true. his time at school gets worse; mouthing off at teachers and disrupting classes, soon not even bothering to show up on campus at all. every voicemail left by the principal on their home phone is deleted and the letters sent are trashed, his demeanor becoming one of uncaring and indifference that soon translates into other aspects of his life. he ditches spending time with sasha one evening to hang out with guys from school instead, misses a video game date with nimah to get high with some of the upperclassmen, and at the next party he attends with maddox he doesn’t partake in their usual twin takeover and instead gets so wasted that it takes his brother over an hour to get him home and upstairs in bed without their parents finding out. his actions are enough to kickstart sasha’s worrying and has nimah withdrawing from him more and more in confusion, and it isn’t much longer until his relationship with his parents is back to being nonexistent – with added amounts of tension and anger that weren’t there previously and don’t seem to be going anywhere. i’m fine though – is what he tells himself. i’ve been surviving this long without them being there for me and i’ve been fine. i’m either too much or too little, too quiet or too loud, not enough or more than anybody can handle - i’m never going to be what they want and it doesn’t matter. i don’t need them, i never did – if they don’t want to deal with me anymore then that’s on them, not me. i’ll be fine on my own.

nothing changes or gets any better with his attitude or his tumultuous relationship with the rest of his family and the strain is evident despite how they all do their best to keep things relaxed and civil. it’s not good or promising or healthy by any means, but nothing damaging takes place and everyone is still intact and it’s more than anybody could hope for at this point. as long as everything is some form of manageable then it isn’t something to worry about - that’s the dawes family M.O. - and it wouldn’t be any different until something came along to change that.

it all comes to a head on a friday night.

the beginning of homecoming weekend is monumental in the dawes household for years. their father played football at their high school and always gets caught up in the big game with the other alumni when they see each other again. nimah’s track meets are in the morning and she dances with the cheerleading squad in the evenings, both for her father’s beloved sport and during halftime at maddox’s basketball game, to which the crowd goes crazy when maddox passes off the ball to help make the winning shot in the middle of the fourth quarter. roman is used to watching them in the spotlight and letting them have their time to shine, and isn’t surprised at the looks of pride on his parents’ faces and the admiration in sasha’s eyes, more than familiar with the lack of treatment being shown towards with him not participating in anything of interest during the events. usually he’d be sad, even a little bit jealous at the attention they’re being given, but his mind is too busy being preoccupied of thoughts of the after party that’s already been named ‘the best event of the year’ and how much fun he’s going to be having compared to the other years of being alone. while his family hasn’t been positive lately about his still improved behavior his school mates and friends still welcome the new roman with open arms, and the prospect of attention he’ll willingly be given when he’s around them later in the night is enough to keep his mood uplifted.

by the time the football game ends and the family is back together the eldest kids are already prepared to go their separate ways to go to the homecoming bash, and with only a lax warning of being careful from their father and a firm one to stay out of trouble from their mother they’re off to get on the road and start the rest of their night, lines of people waiting to get in and music already spilling out from the house when they arrive. it’s a blur of dimmed lights, moving bodies, and loud voices that draws them in almost immediately once they step inside and are off to join in with their different groups of friends. roman gets a beer passed to him in the first ten minutes of being there and downs it in record time, soon being pulled onto the dance floor when the beat kicks up. he’s all smiles when he finds himself between the throngs of people and sees maddox and nimah already starting to converge onto the crowded dance floor, the three of them finding each other through the masses and falling into the rhythm that bounces around them.

for that moment all of their recent issues are pushed to the side in favor of having fun, and a little hint of their bond reappears in front of their eyes. to roman, it feels like how things were between them at the beginning of his change – even brings up memories of them as children and how close they all used to be before they started to grow up and branch out on their own while roman’s timidity kept him lagging behind, and how he doesn’t have to worry about that lost time anymore. he’s with his identical better half and his oldest best friend having the time of their lives and he’s better than ever, no longer the black sheep or odd man out that’s become the role he’s used to playing, he’s one of the stars of the show now – and he doesn’t plan on having that change any time soon.

they get through two more dances before they’re back mingling with their groups of friends, the energy of the party only increasing with every song change and more people crowding the dance floor, and with the added amount of alcohol being passed around it’s only a matter of time before the night starts getting out of control. the first beer roman has barely does anything to him, but when that one turns into three and shots are being slid his way and the blunt between his lips is laced with something different it becomes more than obvious that roman’s state of mind is completely off kilter. the atmosphere of the party seems to shift with him and before long the usual rowdiness that’s become the norm of these events is amplified times ten. the music grows louder, the alcohol seems to flow endlessly, the energy beating through the room hits him and takes him somewhere else, and with everything in his system and more being put in he’s in a haze almost immediately, not giving any mind to anything or anybody around him.

like she has a sixth sense of knowing that something’s wrong with him, it doesn’t take long before nimah goes looking for him and finds him through the crowd again, only this time she’s filled with worry at seeing the state he’s in and knowing she has to take care of it. she has a moment of fear at the anger her parents will unleash on them for letting roman underage drink and smoke until he’s this out of sorts, but she figures the quicker she can get him home safe the less time he’s inebriated in public and unable to get caught up in anymore trouble. she wraps his arm around her shoulder and grabs him by the waist to lead him past the people, his ‘friends’ letting her take him without a fight as the pair both stumble through the crowd until they find the door, the sudden cool air of the outside and lack of music bumping around them making roman more alert to the situation at hand. head lolling onto nimah’s shoulder as he starts to perk back up it’s a quick scramble as he tries to get out of her arms and back into the party, barely making it three steps before she’s pulling him back by his jacket sleeve to keep him in her grip.

dealing with drunk maddox is easy - he’s a simple creature who only gets tired and quiet and easy to coerce back home, but drunk roman is another beast entirely that nimah’s never seen before and doesn’t know how to handle, especially in her less than sober state as well. he’s easily agitated and argumentative, snapping at her and shakily pushing her away to try and return back to the perfect night out he was having, and the steeled gaze she gives him along with the stern shake of her head only further sets him off. his voice grows in volume and his words turn harsh as their quick push-and-pull turns into a complete blow up, with her trading screams with him and letting her anger get the better of her when he refuses to listen, and their attitudes clash heavily in the moment until it’s a chest to chest shouting match on the front lawn of this house - slurred words releasing frustration that has built up long before this party even happened.

it’s a battle of ‘why are you acting this way?’ countered with ‘why aren’t you happy that i finally fit in?’ shouts of ‘this isn’t you and you know it’ and ‘you don’t even know who i am in the first place, so don’t tell me what you think you know.’ and sentiments hurled at each other like ‘why can’t you just be fucking normal for once?’ to ‘why can’t you and our fucking family love me whether i’m normal or not?’

the shouting match turns hostile when roman manages to push nimah away from him, shoving her when she grips his jacket again to lead him away from the party, and in his haste it’s enough to make her fall back on the grass in shock. he’s sobering up almost immediately, hand he used to push her now outstretched to help her up to her feet while apologies are steadily leaving his lips, only to be pushed back roughly and kept separated from her by a livid looking maddox. having noticed their exit to the party he followed behind them but managed to keep his distance until they started arguing, and now with him getting physical with nimah is enough to start a whole new round of fighting with himself and maddox.

if the shouting match with him and nimah was intense, then the one that breaks out with his brother is brutal; they’re loud enough that the few outside stragglers at the party make themselves scarce and head back inside, not wanting to get involved with the insults being traded back and forth. nimah is up on her feet in an instant and tries to stand between them, leaning against maddox’s chest and facing off with roman herself - eyes full of anger and frustration and fear - like she’s trying to protect maddox from him, and the implication that he’s suddenly the one that’s dangerous between the two of them sets him off like none other. fire spits from his tongue as he lashes out viciously at the pair, anger directed at them, at their parents, at the way he’s been regarded for most of his life by the people around him without any thought or care about his feelings, and he lets everything out. in retrospect roman’s heard of stories like this, of people going years with holding him harmful emotions that have plagued them to the point of snapping, and in the few moments he thought if he would be one of those people one day he never thought his breaking point would come while drunk off his ass on the outside of a homecoming house party, but there was so much hurt that was unearthed from him that there was no way to have any semblance of control when it came to his pain.

by the time there’s nothing left for him to say and he’s left heaving and breathless before the pair, he barely has time to steady himself before maddox is sidestepping around nimah’s frame and throwing a punch in his direction, hitting roman square in the jaw with zero hesitation. the heat in his gaze is matched only by the matching look that roman throws his way, face scrunched up in searing pain and rampant anger as his own fist collides with maddox’s face in retaliation, the sound of his heartbeat in his ears muffling the sound of the punch connecting and nimah’s pleads with them to stop. it’s another shove and hit and shuffle before they’re on the ground brawling, maddox having roman pinned as he lays hit after hit onto his brother only until roman gains the upper hand, both of them going back and forth between advancing on the other until the fight is broken up, both of them being lifted and set apart by a pair of their friends. when they’re actually set down and roman is able to take a look around him, he stops dead in his tracks. it went from just being the three of them to soon being a small crowd outside of the house, all of them watching the show before them with curious, judging eyes as the fight was broken up, and he can only manage a few moments of their staring before he’s rushing past the crowd and his siblings, leaving the aftermath of the commotion he’s caused far behind him.

roman wakes up the next morning in bed to a silent house. vague memories of his friends finding him after he ran off and helping him get home flashing through his head while nimah and maddox left him alone. when he finds that his head finally stops swimming he’s able to take in his aching body and how bruised up he feels, thinking of the fight from the night before and knowing that regardless of how many hits he might’ve got in on maddox, he’s definitely more banged up than his brother. he already decides that he’s not leaving the bed for the rest of the day before he even tries to move, still feeling like he’s in a daze after everything that went on mere hours ago.

his eyes blur with tears and his chest heaves with heavy sobs as he curls under his blankets, nothing but guilt and anger and frustration being released from him in waves. roman has always been emotionally based - tended to feel more than everyone else around him did - but it was as if all of his feelings decided to come out all at once and left him feeling broken and distraught, his heart aching at the maelstrom he’s caught in the middle of.

the tears are an off and on constant for most of the day; when they aren’t falling he’s staring off into space and being comforted by the quiet. he can hear when his family wakes up and moves about the house all around him, but nobody bothers to come check on him even with hours of his absence being known, leaving him to his own devices like they usually tended to. he doesn’t move much from his spot and doesn’t have the stomach to bother getting anything to eat, chalking it up to the hangover more than anything else, and it’s not long before it creeps into the evening hours and he hasn’t moved from his spot.

when someone finally musters up the energy to go and check on him it’s no surprise that it’s sasha who’s there. all wide brown eyes full of concern with a plate of food in her hands, gaze raking over his frame and trying to conceal her worry when she sees how bruised he is. every question she goes to ask him is unanswered, he barely spares her a look in the eye, and when she sets the food down for him and he makes no move to eat it she can tell that something more than the usual is wrong - but all she does instead is gives him a quick hug and urges him to get some food in his system before she’s gone again.

she comes back in the morning with a new plate of food and the same worried expression on her features, them only becoming morose at the sight of his untouched food and him being in the same spot. she’s seen roman go through sad spells before, knows of his depression and how bad it can get sometimes, but the vacant looks in his eyes and the lack of any emotional at all was something she had never seen from her brother and immediately had her on edge. she doesn’t keep her worries to herself this time, telling her parents almost immediately and trying to do the same with nimah and maddox to see if they can help. maddox is a lost cause, not unlike how he was with his twin before this change in him, but even in her anger nimah follows behind sasha to go check on him, heart twisting at the confirmation before her.

she tries talking to him, saying anything she can just to get him to react, to even look at her for a moment, but it doesn’t take her long to realize that roman’s not mentally there - he’s deep in his mind and isn’t coming out, left immobile and in a stupor from his own emotional state. not even her pre-med studying needed to tell her what this is, she could see it plain as day.

catatonia, she thinks to herself, catatonic. complete shutdown. numb. gone.

that’s when everything turns upside down.

flying.

roman still feels like he’s flying sometimes.

that he’s lighter than air and unstoppable, confident and bolder than he’s ever been, invincible - like nothing could ever take this feeling away from him, that it’s a high he’ll never come down from.

he always comes down, though. he’s never up in the air for too long.

because just as easily as he can fly he can crash and burn, his wings can disappear and leave him spiraling back down to earth headfirst, his confidence wanes as fast as his invincibility does and leaves him a shell of himself without any way to find his way back.

he’s either soaring past clouds or left broken on the pavement below him, one extreme to the other without any pattern of when his tides will change until they just do.

roman flashes back to the night of the fight he had with his siblings, remembers the words yelled at him by maddox in the heat of his anger as he wailed on him; freak. psycho. crazy. bipolar.

his brother is smarter than roman gives him credit for, because maddox figured it out before anybody else did.

after nimah saw him so unresponsive and out of it she and sasha got their parents involved, with their mother being confused and their father being worried but it was more than enough for them to take him to the hospital, almost immediately being transferred to a mental health ward to be observed.

he doesn’t remember much about waking up out of his daze, or the tests they ran or the medicine they tried to would work with him, or the weeks of him being kept in the ward until he was stable - all he really remembers is the hospital’s therapist giving him her diagnosis.

bipolar disorder. manic depressive disorder. a mix of his exuberant highs and overwhelming, numbing lows.

it’s a strange feeling to have something that’s been a part of you for so long called out by name, an aspect of your personality that plagued you on a daily basis little by little until it ran rampant inside of you until you couldn’t control it anymore. to know that there was a reason for you being different, but having the confirmation that you’re not the same as the people around you and it makes you feel more ostracized than you did before. it wasn’t just a personality trait, it’s an illness that’s been ingrained in him since he was young with nothing to be done about it, and it finally puts together so many missing pieces he’s been in search of for a long time.

medication is his saving grace; keeps him neutral and stable, in a safe place where he doesn’t have to delve into the extremes of his highs and lows, and with therapy he’s able to release his emotions in a way that’s healthy without setting him back, and it’s the first coping mechanism he’s ever had that truly works for him.

his time in the spotlight with his family and classmates fades away in time. his mother goes back to her distance nature with him and his father’s ambivalence is back in place, almost as if nothing happened in the first place.

he’s made amends with nimah to where they get along more and spend time together, a change he’s surprised that took place but is appreciative that she still cares about him.

sasha is still his partner in crime but not much like before. he stops making her his confidant and lets her be his little sister without any dealings too far into his illness - he wants her to stay a kid for as long as she can, because he lost so much of that innocence before he was ready to.

maddox, though - it’s a slippery slope that he travels with his twin brother. the divide between them is as vast as it’s ever been and roman is resigned to knowing that it’ll never be bridged again. too much bad blood has been traded back and forth for them to be okay again, so much anger and resentment among other things are too much for them to mend what’s been broken. he’s had time to grow used to being without his brother being in his life when it really counts, so he’s left with the memories of their brief time together getting along and having to be satisfied with just that.

he’s back to being invisible and unnoticed in school by his peers, but with a lack of him being picked on makes that solitude worth it. it’s not perfect by any means, it’s not anything he wants, but it’s more than enough.

it’s a daily battle to keep himself from slipping back into his ways, from him feeling stable enough to think he no longer needs his meds and going off track with them, but he’s managed to take all of the strength he has to make sure that he keeps himself functioning the way he should and to keep fighting to not let his illness win.

he doesn’t want this one thing to define his life or who he is, and despite the people who attribute the disorder with him he wants to be able to show everyone how much more he is than just this one part of him. roman isn’t in over his head, he knows just how long this journey is going to be for him and doesn’t mind the path he has to take to get there - he just wants to take everything one day at a time.

it’s not ascending flight, or a nosedive toward the ground.

it’s step by step, inch by inch, moment by moment, breath by breath.

it’s something good.

and to roman, this is when his real test begins.

#( ` &. MUSINGS | GHOST. )#not even sure if this is even good or not but here it is #i just want to do an entire character study on roman and go even deeper into his background than this goes because he's so complex #but here's a little glimpse of rome in his beginning stages just to start #tw; mentall illness #tw; mentions of violence

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laughingpinecone · 7 years

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Yuletide treat for @paranoidharoldfinch!

Denise Bryson, Audrey Horne, 1881 words, mid-canon gen vignette, talking about Dale Cooper because what else do people even DO amirite

The foreign agent stopped in her tracks, biting the perfect red of her lipstick. Her eyes darted through the corridor - she knew she was being watched, but the wooden walls of the Great Northern grew like a forest all around her, silent and impenetrable. As she took a few tentative steps toward the stairs, she felt the sting of a stranger's gaze grow closer, bolder, until finally she could hear a muffled clicking of heels from inside the wall. A secret passage! She led her spy around until the planimetry of the place told her that she was in the clear and hid in waiting behind a column. One minute passed before she heard the same heels as before, not muffled now, growing closer, and she jumped out to tackle her stalker - tumbling in the middle of the hotel's dinner-slash-dancing hall with an armful of startled teenager.

Audrey couldn't say what she was expecting to achieve with that stakeout, or rather, she was trying not to think about it too hard, but being caught in her target's firm grip and suddenly thrust under the spotlight of the hall’s attention was most assuredly not part of the plan. But being a pureblood Horne, her next move was set, ingrained in the deep, oiled mechanisms of three generations of incessant social manoeuvring: she guided the agent's arm on her shoulder, put on a customary, distant smile and danced with her to the notes of Trudy's piano. The hall relaxed. Catherine Martell's echo from the previous week’s accident ghosted on her toes. Doesn't she always. Bitch.

“Come on, darling”, Agent Bryson laughed, her voice as soft as her posture now that she'd recognized her assailant as the crown princess of this place. “What's with the territorial hunt? I'm pushing prime cougar age, but you? You're a baby leopard, a caracal, the prettiest fennec…”

If the world hadn't noticed, Audrey was just done telling to herself that she did not want to think about this too hard. But no, of course, she had to ask, with a spark of dogged curiosity in her eyes that must come in bundle with the badge. She also stepped on her foot. Which was a most foreseeable outcome, after about a minute of waiting for Audrey's lead about as much as Audrey was waiting for hers, but it wouldn't have happened with Agent Cooper, or in a movie, or both, which proved beyond all reasonable doubt that the situation here could not compare (it would not have happened to Agent Bryson and Agent Cooper, either, but that movie got cancelled).

Audrey tilted her head.

“Remind me - who is doing the honors?”

Someone here had to switch role - or at least step off her foot.

With a noncommittal shrug, Denise tapped the point of Audrey's nose in a spell-binding stay here for one moment, be right back. She made her way to the piano, where trusted old Trudy was mashing keys to the tune of “Fly me to the moon”, whispered a few words in her ear and slipped a banknote under the sheet music. By the time her dance partner had blinked a few times and fully formulated the thought that bossing and bribing the hotel's employees was in fact, excuse her, her own goddamn job, the tune had changed and - one, two, cha-cha-cha - Denise was sashaying back solo and inviting Audrey to very well do the same, so much for leads, follows and all the trappings of partner dance.

“With that inconvenience out of the way… remind me, what were you doing looking through holes in the wall?”

Her whisper carried the tension of a climactic showdown: the foreign spy, having laid her web of intrigues all across town (or at least the hotel, or at least room 315), confronts the only young operative smart enough to have figured out her game. Agent Bryson was beautiful with her head cocked like that, reaching out to speak to her in the middle of a spot turn. Her laid-back smile and well-practised assertiveness graced her with a radiance under the Great Northern’s chandeliers that was just her own. The bar had been raised and Audrey would have to step up to the challenge.

“I want to become a special agent!” Side step.

“How's that for charming! Well well, girl, first thing is, you've got to be special!” Turn to the left.

“I am!” What, she didn't notice? In some circles, it would be enforceable as a capital offense.

“And that's the spirit!”

Upon further consideration, this sounded disconcertingly like an encouragement.

The bar had, indeed, been raised so high that Audrey had to wonder if that woman, with her drawled laughter that seemed to contain only the purest wonder for humanity in all its infinite contrasts, ever even noticed they were rivals. If she had, she would also have to have developed the thickest skin and an admirable poker face, which was, Audrey supposed, par for the course.

When Denise followed up with the obvious question and inquired about the reasons why she wanted to be a special agent, Audrey knew that she couldn't give up her secret, that residual, fermented dream of a tall, dark and handsome stranger whisking her away from that oppressive trap of a town. It was her hope, and hers alone, for a little while still - just yesterday she thought she could give it up, when she saw Agent Bryson and Agent Cooper effortlessly relating to each other as professionals and peers, cocooned away in an adult world that suddenly felt airtight and out of reach. It was why she kissed him on her way out: it's what you do with dreams, you stand on tiptoes and kiss them goodbye. But the taste of his soft lips under hers wasn't leaving, so for now she did what a girl had to do, juggling heartbreak and a rapidly crumbling life along with vague plans for a future filled with glamour, Martinis and high-stake chases.

This was nobody's business but her own. The other force that pushed her forward, on the other hand… that one could be shared. Its steely, bitter taste would be on everyone's lips soon enough, anyway.

“I want to beat my nemesis.” Keep a secret for the next week or so, will you? But the woman felt reliable, and with her drug-busting business over she would be out of town before anyone, especially her father, had the time to blink. “Expose him, right his wrongs and drive far away from here in a fast black car.”

“Sounds... legitimate.”

The song's end was followed by a short applause from three elderly guests, who then requested a good old waltz like they played back in the day. “Geezers. Do you think one of them will ever manage to talk about waltz without humming the first bars of The Blue Danube?”

Denise shrugged, lost in thought. Had Audrey struck a chord? Where did she run away from in a fast car? The words I can't believe you were ever my age were coming up easy on her tongue, but the deja vu would give her vertigo. So they moved to a table, got two cokes, and when Denise spoke again, the topic was college, and big cities, bright, fast and alluring, and nemeses, which are a thing that happens to the best of us. Then beauty marks, and what the Chinese had to say about them - near the eyebrow, as far as Denise could remember, meant wealth, intelligence, creativity and strained relationships with family members, which sounded about right. And then Dale Cooper, whom Denise remembered from several years back as the awkward, green, weird agent who saved her life with a submachine gun and grenades, the exact number of which was lost to the mists of time. When she met him again the other day, she concluded, she was charmed to attest that hey, one out of three still applied.

Here's one for vertigo: in the distant past she evoked, her special agent was already ahead of her now. The distance between them grew fixed points, each one as unreachable as the previous: no matter how fast she tried to play catch up, she would remain the Achilles to a distant tortoise. And this is why she would rather have math stay the hell away from her life.

The other half of her family legacy eventually caught up with her. It wasn't intended - sounding like Sylvia never was. Marking her territory, propping herself up with the weight of her connections (because clearly, the anecdote she was telling would have suffered from failing to mention that her friend's husband was a rich neuropsychologist with several papers to his name) only ever managed to make her mother sound crass, sad and worst of all transparent, and yet. Her she was, listening to her own voice add to an altogether pleasant conversation that - in case Denise hadn't noticed - she, too, had free access to Dale Cooper's room.

The older woman grinned, like she'd been waiting for that particular penny to drop.

“You too, eh?”

“Too?” Audrey bit her lip. Where was their newfound truce going?

“Baby, let's play a game. It's called Who in this room did not develop a soul-rending crush on Dale Cooper and the rules are very simple, you look around and tell me who in this room did not develop a soul-rending crush on Dale Cooper…”

Admittedly, that got a chuckle out of her. She must have had this coming - she did, after all, see her go up to the man himself and kiss him in a fit of frustration, and waiting for Audrey to bring up the topic herself before roasting her was a nice gesture. Maybe even respectful. Like Cooper was.

“That married woman there looks happy with her husband…”

“And that has stopped anyone since when? She took a photo of him the other day, for keepsake once they check out of here.”

This warranted an indignant gasp: “Agent Bryson!”

“Speaking of pictures of our golden boy, look, that girl in the corner with the expensive camera plans to sell hers. A thriving business, I'm sure. But she is gonna keep the best one for herself.”

“What about the man carrying an oar?”

“You can tell by the way he cuddles his coffee. You know he didn't do it before coming here.”

“Don't tell me that the waltz geezers…”

“...are reminded of the movie stars of yesteryear. Hard as it may be to believe, all that hair wax was fashionable at some point in human history.”

“It can't be the woman painting a deer either, she has just ordered her third slice of cherry pie…”

“...and the boy with a crutch just has those stars in his eyes. You know the ones.”

Yes, yes she did. They went on to point at Trudy, at Louie over in the corridor, at each other, at the very furniture of the hall. Denise's laughter was genuine - Audrey found out that so was hers. From the very beginning, her love for her special agent had been secluded and pure, blossoming in a bubble shared just by the two of them, inebriating, ultimately suffocating. This was a breach. The world was seeping in. Audrey could breathe.

#twin peaks #denise bryson #audrey horne #yuletide 2016 #fanfiction

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