#after my ipad broke i just stopped drawing idk why | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

marikaaajoy · 4 years

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my relationship with digital art and how BNHA salvaged it

I just wanted to let out my thoughts but I can only do it here :>

This might be a downer for some people but I’d like to share it with people here. BNHA means the world to me and this is why.

I first started drawing when I was 7 years old in 2006

I think it’s ugly now, but 7 year old me remembered being so proud of this because this is a drawing of my stepfather. This is the only drawing I have that was from my childhood. I think the aim here is to draw in anime style BUT I didn’t even watch anime back then. I had a classmate who loves anime and she taught me to draw in school. Drawing became a favorite hobby immediately after that.

Then it was 2013 and I was 14 years old. Drawing is still my favorite thing to do besides being on the computer. I love anime at this point too. My parents bought an iPad for the whole family, but I was almost always the one using it. I discovered an app called ArtStudio and thought “Wow, I can draw without making a mess and with only my fingers” because I was always too lazy to take out my drawing materials and clean up afterwards.

These were my first digital drawings. The pirate one was the very first. I got obsessed real fast. I can color so easily, undo any mistake, layers are a blessing too. There was just so much more freedom. I always sucked at coloring in traditional art and I didn’t like the mess (idk my hands get so messy traditionally)

The next year, it was 2014, I was 15. My birthday is in a couple of months and I knew my parents were planning to buy me something pricey (I think it was a laptop) so I approached them and asked if they could just buy the Wacom Bamboo as a present which was cheaper anyway and I even explained how it works to them and how it would allow me to draw on the computer instead of the iPad. I tried really hard to be convincing. I would have prepared a powerpoint presentation if I had to.

They did give me the wacom as a present. They even gave it to me months before my birthday so I could use it already. I thought I was the luckiest teen in the world with my parents.

These are a collection of my favorite works from 2014 to 2016. The middle one was my second drawing using wacom and Paint Tool SAI. I was a part of a lot of fandoms in those years lol

It gets downhill from there :/

April 2016, my mom and I moved to Japan, while my stepfather and siblings stay in my country. It was tough. For someone who is obsessed with anime, you’d think I’d be thrilled to live in Japan.

I was. Though only at the first few months. It’s not the same as it’s portrayed in anime (I should’ve known but I used to be blinded by anime). It was just lonely. The language barrier sucked and then lots of financial and family issues until my parents split. I got my first boyfriend too and I thought I was blessed by the nicest boy, but the relationship became extremely toxic but I didn’t have it in me to walk away.

All the shit that happened affected me mentally and emotionally. My biggest outlet which was digital drawing, was also out of the question because I did not have a computer/laptop when we moved to Japan. We left it in our home for my stepfather and siblings, even the iPad. I have my wacom with me, but no computer/laptop to use it with. I couldn’t draw.

I tried though. I used my phone to draw, but it wasn’t the same. Then the life problems got piled up, things got worse, and I just lost motivation in anything. Literally anything. From 2016 to 2019, I stopped watching anime, I dropped out of all the fandoms I’m in, I stopped watching my favorite TV series or movies, and I stopped drawing. I even got a bit disconnected with my friends who lived in my country (we talk regularly online). My family was broken so I gave all my attention to my toxic relationship as well which made everything worse too lol

I didn’t draw besides from a few scribbles and the drawings above. I did try digital art on my phone a couple of times again and even posted them on my IG, but they weren’t any good. Eventually, I got mentally and emotionally drained and dropped out of senior high school. I just stayed home for almost a year, leeching off of my mom. I felt even more worthless and my life had no direction at this point. Nothing mattered anymore.

April 2019 or so I think, my (ex)bf bought me a laptop. He says it’s a gift, but I think the real reason was to make up for something horrible that he did (which is stupid because money /gifts won’t resolve anything). I have a laptop. I can draw again, but I didn’t. I didn’t care, I wasn’t interested in drawing anymore anyway.

Welp. June 2019, I went back to my country. My (ex) bf stayed in Japan. The distance helped me end the relationship and my friends were there (they always were) to help put me back together along with two trips to therapy. I went back to finish my senior high school in my own country this time. That said, I have to stay in my country for school (but I was happy because I didn’t wanna go back to Japan yet when the breakup was still fresh and with going back to school, my life has a direction again.)

It was weird. I remember just being sorta lost and confused because I used to put my time, effort and everything into my previous toxic relationship, which was now gone. I was free and I had so much free time that I didn’t know what to do with it. I got so used to doing nothing and being nothing.

This is where BNHA enters.

Dunno when it started, but I started seeing Bakugou frequently online. It’s usually just Bakugou. I knew who he was because my friend suggested BNHA to me back in late 2018 I think but I didn’t watch it since I’ve lost interest in everything at that point in my life.

But ye I thought he hot af but I still didn’t watch BNHA.

But then for some reason he REALLY kept appearing in my social medias and it was really frequent. The last straw was when I saw a pic of him in UA’s gym uniform and thought “damn boi aight imma watch bnha for u” (y’all gotta admit he looks good in those colors with his combat boots XD )

I watched BNHA. Fell in love with Iida along the way. Then I switched to Tokoyami (but Shoji was hot too so aaaaa), but then angry emotionally-constipated sea urchin head caught my heart again. But oof. BakuDeku moments really made me feel some type of way I haven’t felt since I moved to Japan. It felt new but nostalgic. I fell hard in that ship.

I started obsessing. From memes to posts to fanfictions to buying merch to filling my room with BNHA posters. I realized I was reverting to my old self from the time I was still happy and it was thanks to BNHA (and the good people who helped me through the worst too)

Shit I wanted to draw BNHA, I thought.

I mean, I have a laptop, I still have my wacom and drawing softwares. I could totally draw digitally again if I wanted to.

But guess what

I can’t :c

My hand physically cannot draw. My drawings don’t look the way I want them too. 3 years of not drawing really destroyed any skill I had. I was back to square one.

September (yeah they’re ugly, I laughed at it). If you’re wondering why I drew on paper, it’s because, for some reason, I really CANNOT draw digitally. I mean it. I can barely sketch digitally at this point. The lines and shapes just doesn’t come to life. They’re just scribbles. But somehow, I can kinda draw on paper with a ballpoint pen. But yeah, that was the best I could do at this point in my life

After that, I still tried to draw, to regain my old art style, but it didn’t happen... It just doesn’t look or feel the same. Drawing used to be fun. But during this phase, it felt like my ugly drawings were just mocking me (probably was just too emo that time lol)

Weirdly, around a week or two I think, after my half-assed attempts at drawing, I managed to draw digitally somehow o.o

I did a Midoriya and Todoroki drawing like this too. It was my first post here on Tumblr I think. The annoying part here is that I cannot draw digitally unless I draw on paper first, take a pic, and then trace the lineart. I couldn’t draw directly on the computer. Granted, drawing on paper and drawing on digital is very different for me in the first place anyway. But it was still a pain. And it still looked like shit. I can only draw stiff poses :/ it seems like my brain decided to delete all data about anatomy and posture and backgrounds. My lineart here is even messy af. It still really not the same as my old style.

By 2020, I think I got my old art style back. On March, I made this. This took me 27 total of hrs to make.

Right now, I think it’s not bad, but back in March, I was disappointed with the result. This is when I finally broke down crying because it didn’t look good enough and I hated that it took me 27 hrs to draw “bullshit.” I was angry at myself for losing interest in drawing for 3 years when I could’ve used that time to improve. I had to start all over again and it still didn’t look good. (Current me thinks that the drawing above is alright. I was just a lot harsher to myself back then. Used to have a lot of issues but I’m doing great now)

I cried myself to sleep that night. Woke up wanting to cry again. I wallowed in sadness for a couple of days. Eventually told my friends what’s up. Got some pep talk. Even talked to my sister (she’s great, she always hypes me up with my stuff and sometimes I think she’s my biggest fan with how she appreciates my drawings and I’m really grateful for that).

My world turned a 180 and I was weirdly positive after all that crying because brain chemicals and shit. I had a revelation. If I hate how my art style looked so much, then I should have been putting effort in changing my art style, not trying to regain my old art style (that I don’t like anymore)

I researched a lot. I analyzed different art styles and anatomy again. I did everything I could think of to find a style that works for me. I might have even neglected school for a bit to focus on digital art lmao

After all that work, I posted a fanart of middle school BakuDeku in their classroom. I love that fanart so much even if I probably have better ones by now because that was the first fanart I made that I felt like I could be proud of and it was the first one I made in my new art style. It was a milestone for me.

March 2020, I moved back to Japan and without the toxic relationship, I’m a lot positive now. Happy. I’m myself again after the previous bad years. I’m still continuously learning though, trying to improve, but at least, now, I found my own art style :) I really suck at interacting with people online, but I’m always grateful for the support everyone has been giving my fanarts. I’m happy when my content makes people happy.

This is why BNHA is important to me. The series is great alone, but it’s not just that to me. BNHA is so much more. It’s what made me find the passion to create again, only this time, it’s focused on drawing (I used to write, but now I just draw, but maybe I’ll write again for BNHA).

My family is supportive with my love for BNHA, but I think they don’t know the deeper reason why I love it. Sure, I was fine living on with nothing much going on in my life. I’ll finish school, get a job, work until I die or something. It was okay. It was the way of life. But BNHA gave my life color again. I wasn’t just blindly going through life anymore. I have something to look forward to everyday now. BNHA even became a bridge to other things. Ever since then, I’m a lot more open to people, to try new things, to explore and not just live through life and waste away. I got better at leaving my comfort zone. I’ve never been happier in my life :D

Thank you for supporting my fanarts. Thank you so much for giving me a chance to express myself through BNHA. I hope to make more content in the future and improve even more :)

#plus ultra #<3 #personal

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fourthingsandawizard · 6 years

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Dan and Phil Rize Summary, Sept. 4/5, 2018

-Dan started the stream before Phil could fully sit down in frame, and then Dan hit the wrong button and almost ended the stream

-Phil made Dan write the notification, Dan refered to them “Dip and Pip.” Our secret code has spread to them, what have we done??

-Phil said his quiff is droopy because he just woke up. He just had his coffee before the stream, so he said we should see him wake up in about ten minutes

-Dan’s response to why they chose this time for the livestream: “Earth man. It’s crazy”

-They’re staying in a rainforest in a house surrounded by birds and nature before they leave for Asia

-Martyn told them they were renting a place if D&P wanted somewhere to relax instead of a hotel, but neglected to tell them beforehand that it was in the rainforest

-A lot of “nature” keeps coming inside the house, including a very specific mosquito that made a very specific noise, which Dan and Phil attempted to imitate to show us.

-They spent about an hour trying to find the mosquito so they could get rid of it and get some sleep last night. Phil: “I think every clap [of our hands] made it stronger.”

-Dan said they’ve made it through Australia without seeing a spider, and Phil got mad because he was going to jinx them. Dan said nature was about to burst to life because it’s almost spring, and Phil then did a rendition of Chasing Cars as “Show me your beast bursting into life” which he said was by the band “Beast Patrol”

-Dan tweeted out the Truth Bomb question about superheroes while Phil was asleep, and Phil reminded him that they already gave a question about what animal Dan looks like last week. Phil laughed while Dan hid out of frame in shame, and decided that will be the question next time

-Phil bought some “exciting” new Tim Tams that are iced coffee gelato flavor that you’re supposed to put in the fridge. Phil said it had a 0.5 out of 5 health rating. Dan: “Same.”

-They went on a tangent about Woolworths because it’s a thing in Australia. Dan discussed the “family underwear” section; Phil said there was a section called “Manchester.” They couldn’t figure out what it was supposed to be because the rest of the aisle was diapers and stuff, so Phil suggested it was their “family planning” section

-Phil cried (on the inside) at Hobbiton, Dan ACTUALLY cried. Apparently you get on a bus, and then they start playing Frodo running through the Shire, and it made Dan a mess

-Phil said the best thing was the giant tree on top of Bilbo’s house, which is made out of steel, and Phil said, “It’s STEEL there!” Dan gave him a classic “this guy” look at the pun, and then the livestream broke. Dan: “I think Phil just made a pun so terrible, it crashed the app”

-After seeing their friend try to take a picture leaning out of the Hobbit-sized door that looked like they were sticking their butt out, Dan told them they looked like they were “Backin’ it up the Bilbo.” (For Bilbo? Idk, they were laughing too hard to understand). When the waitress at the pub wanted to take a group photo of them, Dan said they should all say that instead of cheese and the waitress seemed confused and horrified

-Phil told Dan to “let me talk about the glowworm thing.” Dan said he wasn’t going to stop him.

-They loved their glowworm cave tour guide’s accent because he sounded kind of like Taika Waititi’s character in Thor Ragnarok

-They bantered about the difference between stalactites and stalagmites, Dan got so annoyed with Phil that he shifted the angle of the live stream so he was the only one in frame to talk about the cave

-Dan said they shouldn’t have told them what the glowworms were before they went through, because they are basically giant maggots that hang from “spider silk” stuff coming out of them to catch bugs

-Phil said it was a beautiful experience, like looking at a galaxy, but they weren’t allowed to take pictures. It was apparently a bright, satisfying blue that he would have flown straight to if he were a fly

-The ice cream place they went to doesn’t let you see the ice cream before you ordered it, they just show you an iPad, and it comes in some weird cones that go around your face? Phil got honeycomb, Dan’s was really difficult to eat, but really good. You could also get ice cream inside a Yorkshire pudding

-Dan: “You got your toast violated by a strange person.” Phil: “I did! Someone buttered my toast for me!” They went on a tangent about how personal the “buttering” experience is, and Phil said he started thinking about how much the person must have touched the bread while doing it. He still ate it, though

-The bath in their 32nd floor hotel room had a window that showed the entire city. Dan used a bath bomb, climbed in with the window shade closed, then opened it to look, but then the window steamed up so he couldn’t see anything. Phil said he likes when windows steam up because you can draw pictures. Dan: “Someone has to clean that, Phil.”

-They saw some “urban explorers” next to their hotel who were balancing on the edge of the skyscraper across from them, and they made awkward eye contact through their hotel room window. Phil apparently peed moments before, and he thinks they probably could have seen him through the window next to the toilet

-Phil: “Swish, swish, bish, another fly in your mouth!” Dan said Phil’s song was worse than actually getting a fly in your mouth

-Phil showed off his Friends t-shirt. Dan said that Phil is a combo of Ross and Phoebe. Dan said he is mostly Chandler, but also a bit of Monica. They said Friends was highly problematic by today’s standards, but everyone should go back and watch it

-They “smashed” all of Olan Rogers’ Final Space episodes. Dan is happy that people are finally appreciating Olan’s work. Phil said it was very emotional, and Dan is excited for more

-Phil about AHS: “Sometimes they put all of their eggs in one basket, and I’m just like, ‘Guys. Don’t ruin the basket.’”

-They finished Big Little Lies, Dan’s official review: “Dank AF”

-Phil had to remind Dan about the rest of the bath story, as Dan “repressed” it. Dan apparently got in the bath, then housekeeping knocked on the door and came in to replace the towels. Dan was waiting for Phil to do “LITERALLY anything,” but Phil didn’t think about Dan being in the bath. Dan screamed “NOOOOO” to stop her from coming in, Phil said it was a haunting scream, and the lady just left.

-Phil: “I forgot. It was fine. She didn’t see you. You were showing your naked body to the whole city anyway!”

-They apologized for the Manila mix up, and said there are bound to be some hiccups on a big tour like this. (If you’re still confused, check the FAQ on the tour page!)

-Someone told them to get a cat. Phil said he’s more allergic to cats than dogs, so that wouldn’t be a good idea

-They dodged giving details about the ii movie, they still aren’t allowed to say anything. They ARE putting ii tour merch on the website on FRIDAY though

-Dan said Phil doesn’t wear his Introvert jacket enough because he wears his blue one more

-They started up Truth Bombs with “What animal does Dan look like?” to which Dan’s answer was a tired, greasy rat

-The first person’s audio came through, but not video. Dan asked if they were existing in the space between dimensions, and they said yes. They said their group chat decided Dan’s spirit animal is Big Bird from Sesame Street (because he’s big and awkward). Phil said he used to have nightmares about Big Bird being in his bedroom when he woke up

-The next person’s video worked, and they were wearing a Phil hoodie. Dan complimented their nails, which were black on one hand and colorful on the other. They had an answer for Dan and Phil, which was Timon and Pumba if their personalities were switched. Dan said it made perfect sense on “like five different levels…Freaky Friday Lion King edition, the AU that nobody asked for”

-They tried the dice option to call a random person, it didn’t work. Twice.

-The next person was the one to get Phil the Polaroid shirt. Dan said it’s covered in Sharpie now

-Their answer was that Dan is a howler monkey. Phil: “Dan HOWELL-er monkey!” Dan disapproved of the pun, but declared them the winner

-Next week’s question is “If Dan and Phil were a superhero duo, what would their powers be?” Phil said he probably shouldn’t be trusted with powers

-Before the great mosquito hunt last night, Dan went to get a drink and found a lizard. He wasn’t scared of it, he just kind of closed it up in the room to let it do its thing

-They tried the ice coffee Tim Tams, they both liked them and said they would dip them in coffee later. Phil: “Dip, dip, bish”

-They went back and forth with the chat on how to pronounce “mukbang”

-Dan hasn’t listened to Bloom yet. He was going to listen on the plane, Phil told him not to so the plane noises wouldn’t interfere. Dan agreed because he wants to take it very seriously to see how Troye has matured as an artist. Phil suggested that he “eat it with his ears.”

-There will be another “fun” DAPG video with “the thing with the thing” that is coming “soon...ish.”

-Phil tried to say he hoped we were having a nice day, and accidentally said “I hope you’re having a nice guy”

-They might do the next liveshow on a Thursday because they’ll be settling in Manila next Tuesday

#dan and phil #dan and phil liveshow #dan and phil rize #amazingphil #danielhowell #phil lester #dan howell #phandom #dip and pip #interactive introverts #dan and phil ii

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