#also again if anyone wants to use my fix suggestions as fic premises

[inkblackorchid]

What the hell happened with Crow: an autopsy (Part 3)

Trying my absolute damnedest to finish this one and part four sooner now that I've finally covered the Pearson backstory. *Ehem* Hello again! I hope you're ready for more yelling about a certain spiky-haired Blackbird aficionado, because I sure am.

To get some things out of the way first, though, here come the usual disclaimers:

This is part three of a series of posts about hpw Crow's character was handled during 5Ds' whole run. You can find part one here and part two here. Reading them technically isn't required, but things sure will make a whole lot more sense if you do. (Bring snacks, they're long.)

This post isn't meant as a Crow hate post, nor is it meant to convince people who didn't vibe with his character to change their mind. This is my very long winded-attempt to analyse the writing decisions surrounding his character as best I can, without too much bias. That said, full disclosure, I do personally like Crow, so there's a good chance that will shine through whether I want it to or not. But also, I'm trying to have fun here, so please cut me some slack.

In case you haven't read my previous Crow posts (no shade there) and/or still believe the many, many production rumours that have been haunting the 5Ds fandom since the show's original run, please let me burst your bubble(s) with some insanely comprehensive research by someone over on Reddit (thanks again to @mbg159, who's also here on tumblr): No, Crow was not meant to be a dark signer, or the final boss of season 1, and his spike in screentime has nothing to do with his cards. And also, No, Aki didn't get less presence in the narrative because her VA got pregnant. What if you don't have the time to read either of those long posts? In that case, please take away this simple, very easy rebuttal of why the above theories are bullshit: Their would-be "key points" don't line up with the 5Ds production timeline. At all. Not even vaguely. So please, ditch them, let them die, seeing them still talked about makes me feel like I'm gonna break out in hives. And for the love of god, don't use this post or in fact anything else I post to pit Aki and Crow against each other. Both characters have their strengths and their reasons to love them. I am not the least bit interested in starting any character discourse. So please, spare my sanity. Ok? Thank you.

And now, we can get to the good part at last. In my previous post in this series, I stopped my analysis at episode 95, a.k.a. part two of the Pearson backstory. In this post, I will thus be picking up right after, at the very start of the WRGP—with the Team Unicorn match. The goal for this post is to analyse Crow's part in this particular arc, then provide some food for thought/ideas on how things that rubbed some people the wrong way could have been improved.

More below the readmore, and I give you not just my usual warning, but an extra warning, too: The universe will not let me write short things, so tread with caution, stay hydrated, and expect a veritable dissertation below, because this post feels long even to me, who has long since lost her sense of length when it comes to text. (But I'm well aware this is the result of me refusing to split the WRGP part into two separate posts, so I take full responsibility for that.)

Since we left off right after I chewed through all the issues with Crow's rather belated backstory and especially Black-Winged Dragon last time, we jump right into the thick of things now, with episodes 96 and 97, which serve as the preamble to Team 5Ds' first WRGP duel against Team Unicorn. Crow only gets two major things to do during this short stretch of episodes, the first being that he's Team Unicorn's gateway into roping Yusei into a duel during practice, which helps them set up a ruse that baits the 5Ds gang into sending Jack as their first wheeler because they think Jack's deck is best suited to countering Andre's—which, as it later turns out, it is not.

(Arguably the screenshot where Crow gives off the strongest Youngest Sibling Vibes during the entire show. Look at him, all chastised.)

Crow's second role is an odd one that I argue only he out of the main three guys could fulfill at this point: He's the one to get injured right before the Team Unicorn match, rendering him unable to compete, which leads to Aki offering to take his place for that particular match.

(Pictured: Bird Boy regretting all his life choices up until that point simultaneously.)

Here's the first moment I have to talk about in greater detail. See, the thing is, I don't know what the fandom consensus on Crow getting injured here is, but I argue that this moment was a (rare) strategic decision made by the writers at this point. Crow's injury accomplished several things: 1. It sets up the mystery of why his back wheel locked up out of nowhere, which is later paid off through Team Catastrophe's shenanigans. 2. It organically allows Aki to take his spot without introducing any argument about which of them is "worthier" of having that third spot. 3. Through this, it also allows him to actually bounce off Aki for once (a point I will come back to below, during the Team Catastrophe section). And 4. It allows the show to (TECHNICALLY) pay off the setup they did in letting Aki get her turbo duelling license and train with the boys. (Generally, Crow's and Aki's character writing intersects a bit during the pre-Diablo incident WRGP section, something I'll touch on below.)

Moreover, I think this is also the only match where they could have done something like this, and the reason for it is very simple: Team Unicorn are one-off opponents whose presence in the narrative is only relevant as far as it concerns the WRGP, and they are also one of the first teams the 5Ds gang faces. If we think about the opponents Team 5Ds has after this, it becomes very obvious why Crow could only be injured during this duel: If they had tried pulling this stunt later, it would have forced the writers to pull Aki centre stage during a much more plot-relevant duel than this one (which they were apparently allergic to, but let's not go there), not to speak of the fact that it would have forced them to sideline someone they were definitely trying to sell as the third portion of their protagonist trifecta, which would have probably been awkward. (If not for the fact that they literally did this to Crow later in the show, but I'll get there. Yes, I know there's a lot already that I'll still be "getting to".)

The thing is, whether or not it feels like an awkward writing choice to make so early in the big tournament of this arc (you be the judge of that), Crow's injury finally allows him to have a few interesting character moments for once. For one, there is his immediate disappointment about being forced to stay on the sidelines. Aside from the fact that this is a human and relatable reaction to his injury, it stings even more for the character than it does for us as the audience, because Crow got a moment where the Satellite orphans he previously took care of cheer him on for the tournament literally within the same two Team Unicorn preamble episodes.

(Say what you will, this is just stupid cute.)

So when Aki eventually offers to take his place during the match, he's understandably apprehensive—and again, this is human. It may seem mean in the moment, but from a character writing standpoint, it's a natural response. Plus, it's certainly more interesting to watch the group have a bit of conflict among themselves, rather than everyone immediately jumping straight to acceptance. It introduces tension, and, for however brief a moment, raises the question of whether Crow might refuse to let Aki take his spot. This is also the point where Aki and Crow's character writing officially intertwines, at least for the stretch of episodes between the Team Unicorn duel and the Team Catastrophe duel. And you know what? Say what you will, but I think it does a world of good for both of them. The 5Ds cast, as lovely as it is, doesn't get a lot of room to bounce off one another where it concerns personal matters anymore, once the WRGP starts. Arguably, they get little time to bounce off one another outside of plot-related discussions at all once this portion of the show comes around. The characters are treated as "fully developed", and thus, the writing largely doesn't take the time to show us how the group naturally interacts with one another anymore, especially not with how many side characters (chiefly Bruno and Sherry), antagonists, and duels the show now has to juggle. So Aki and Crow getting even a smidgen of personal conflict here is honestly a breath of fresh air. The interaction kicked off by Crow's injury isn't completely plot-irrelevant, like most character interactions during the pre-WRGP were, but it's not something that feels like it's only there to explain the machinations of the antagonists to the audience, either.

Let me go through this in a little more detail to illustrate my point.

So, episode 97. Crow storms off after Aki offers to take his spot, while Aki heads out to prepare her runner, intent on helping her team. The personal motivations here are already very nice and reflective of these characters as we've gotten to know them up until this point: Crow's angry and disappointed (mostly at himself, which is noteworthy!) because he can't compete. And specifically, he's angry because not being able to compete in the first match means he can't show the kids his duelling like he wanted to. Then there's Aki, whose offer to take Crow's place is every bit as much of a strategic suggestion as it is a bid for acceptance from her. Acceptance, which is the thing she's been all about ever since she was introduced, basically. So she pleads with her friends to accept her, see her as an equal, and allow her to duel for the team, which they do. And Crow initially throws a fit, but then...

(Listen. You have no idea how much Crow and Aki getting to actually be friends means to me.)

He comes around to the idea and not only gives Aki his express permission to take his spot, he even coaches her a bit right before the match. Moreover, as his text states above, he literally entrusts her with the kids' hopes, as well as his own. This quickly brings both of them full circle: Crow, who already has a theme of legacy attached to him, passes the torch to Aki for this match, and in so doing, offers her the acceptance she asked her teammates for. (Frankly, stuff like this makes me wonder why on earth people were so eager to pit these two against each other, when their shared moments are actually some of the best-written during the often rocky WRGP arc.) So, though this injury pulls Crow out of the duel, it, funnily enough, ties him better into the story and to the other characters.

From there, we then dive into the Team Unicorn match proper. And well, being injured as he is, Crow doesn't exactly get a whole lot to do there. However, since we're in the portion where his and Aki's writing overlaps a bit, I do need to go on a quick tangent about what Aki's portion of this duel means for Crow.

(Sigh. Okay, buckle up for a quick and rough detour.)

First, something I need to get out of the way and off my chest: I have made no secret out of the fact that I hate Aki's portion of this duel, save for the moment where she summons Stardust. Hell, this duel segment is pretty much universally hated by anone who has even a smidgen of sympathy for Aki. It's regarded by many as the very moment the writers axed Aki's character, and for good reason: After all the buildup surrounding her getting her turbo duelling license, the supposed "payoff" of it all is that she gets to duel against Andre for a depressing four turns before being defeated immediately, which leads into Yusei's frustrating portion of this duel, which, to my knowledge, isn't regarded any more kindly by fans than Aki's segment. It's a massive let-down, simply put. But the thing is, it's not just a let-down for Aki. After all, the brief character conflict she had with Crow about taking his spot here can and should be regarded as part of the setup for this moment, and as such, it can also be considered to be wasted the second Aki leaves the track after barely making an impact whatsoever.

However, I do need to mention that I have a theory on why this segment was handled the way it was, mostly because I feel like Crow's later interaction with Aki, shortly after she's out of the duel, underlines it (mind that this is just my personal theory, though, after having watched the show perhaps more times than can be considered sane): I think there is a cultural aspect to this duel. See, the word ganbaru, which anime subtitles often like to translate with "do your best" or something along the lines, has a greater significance than the translation implies. Though it's not inaccurate per se, there's more than just the idea of doing your best behind ganbaru, because it's something like an umbrella term not just for doing your best and succeeding, it's also the idea that you have to keep trying, even if you don't succeed. It's related to tenacity, to persistence, even in the face of terrible odds. And make no mistake, I don't mean the Japanese equivalent of "if at first you don't succeed, try again" here. I genuinely do mean "you have to keep trying, even if you fail". There is no guarantee of success here. And for that reason, the idea behind ganbaru is also that it's not simply the success that has value, but the effort made in the attempt to attain it, regardless of the result. (Side note: I tried to scrounge up a resource I could link to that nicely explains this concept, but unfortunately, all the promising articles were paywalled and the ones I learned it from require institutional access to lecture materials.) And this is where I will posit the tentative theory that this is exactly what the 5Ds writers were going for with Aki's segment of the duel—it was very much meant to be the payoff for her turbo duelling license setup and her plea to take Crow's place, but it wasn't so much her success that was meant to be valued, as the effort she (and by extension, Crow) made for and during this duel. And this is where Crow's little pep-talk with Aki after she's out of the duel comes in, because it feels like it supports exactly this interpretation:

(This is essentially the whole sequence. Note how Crow, despite so fervently entrusting Aki with his and his kids' hopes prior, doesn't admonish her for making a bad showing in the slightest.)

I don't think it gets any clearer than it is here. During this sequence, Aki is painfully aware of how poor her performance was against Andre, especially after she was so insistent on duelling at first, and despite having been entrusted with Stardust by Yusei, to boot. Yet, Crow doesn't have a single word of criticism to offer her. Instead, he even tells her she did well and that nobody's perfect. It very much reads as valuing Aki's effort over the result she achieved to me, and thus seems perfectly in line with the idea behind ganbaru.

However, if we assume I'm correct about the intentions behind this writing choice, we come back to why Aki's segment of the duel is so hotly debated and why it may have arguably been a disservice not just to her, but to Crow, too, character-wise. Because the majority of non-Japanese watchers of the show culturally don't have a 1:1 applicable concept like ganbaru, this writing choice was more likely to fall flat for them, because to someone who wasn't raised to understand the idea behind it, Aki's portion of the duel doesn't register as a payoff; it registers as a massive disappointment, because it feels like the writers, who had so much setup already done for her, let her fail on purpose, just to later let Yusei attain his arguably dumbest victory of the entire show. Thus, they also essentially waste the conflict she had with Crow about whether she would be allowed to take his spot in the first place, because with how little she achieved during the duel, she may as well not have gotten on the track. (Figuratively speaking. Please Do Not take this to mean I would prefer a version where Aki hadn't duelled at all. That would be worse. It would be infinitely worse.)

(Also, side note: If this post reaches anyone who's actually Japanese and still remembers this duel, I would genuinely love your input on whether my interpretation is feasible or just wishful thinking. Did you interpret Aki's part of the duel the way I did here? Or did it fall flat for you, too? If what I'm saying here feels like an absolute reach, please tell me. I'm honestly just trying my best to make things make sense here and remembered this concept from some classes I took in Japanese studies at uni.)

With all that in mind, it doesn't come as a surprise that some people were just as frustrated with the way Crow was barred from duelling here as they were with Aki's segment or Yusei's later victory. But it is what it is—the Unicorn duel concludes the way we all know it to, and with that, the show begins setting up the following duel with Team Catastrophe.

The only other, non duel-related, noteworthy thing that happens between the Unicorn and the Catastrophe match is a brief appearance at the Poppo Time by Sherry, who admonishes the signers for celebrating their victory early and warns them about Iliaster. Why do I bring this up? Because it's one of less than five times that Crow is in the same room with Sherry. Remember, Sherry. The girl he later, during the finale, talks out of working for the big bad evil guy because he suddenly seems to have such a deep understanding of her motivations and character that he can accurately deduce what argument will make her understand that working with Z-ONE won't give her what she's looking for. So, does Crow get a meaningful interaction with her during this scene, then? Nope. Not even in the slightest. Crow says exactly one sentence that is aimed at Sherry during her appearance, and that sentence is this:

(What a meaningful conversation!)

And yes, I will come back to Crow and Sherry's dynamic in particular. But we'll save that for the Ark Cradle arc post. For now, just keep it in mind as we move along to the other WRGP duels.

So. Team Catasrophe.

During the duel against this team, which was previously only hinted at ominously, the writing for Crow and Aki overlaps again, and this starts with the writers essentially doing a complete switcheroo of what came before: Instead of Crow getting injured and being unable to compete, it's Aki who crashes, ends up in the hospital, and is thus forced to give up her spot during the duel. (This also goes hand in hand with her suddenly losing her powers, which we are given absolutely zero explanation for, but let's not talk about that clusterfuck here. If you're interested in my opinions about that particular trainwreck, I have a rant for you.) Additionally, it's during this stretch of episodes (103-105, which is a whopping four episodes less than Team Unicorn got) that we find out that not only Aki's crash, but Crow's previous one, too, were both sabotage, caused by the rather unscrupulous Team Catastrophe by way of a special card that can cause real damage even when there is no psychic duellist present. (A card we also find out was given to them by Placido/Primo, but this is irrelevant for both Aki and Crow.) Crow's reaction to this piece of information, particularly once Aki gets injured due to the same thing, is where things get interesting for him again, because he gets pissed, to say the least.

(A moment I imagine firebirdshippers must have been positively delighted about.)

Here, I have to reiterate an earlier point: Think what you will of Team Catastrophe, of Aki's crash, and of the sequence where her powers suddenly don't work, but this moment here, where Crow gets angry on her behalf and swears to duel Team Catastrophe into submission—not because he wants his kids to cheer for him, or because he wants to prove himself, but as revenge for his friend—is one of sadly only a handful of moments the writers use to show the strengthened relationships between the individual members of Team 5Ds after the dark signers arc. It's one of the precious few scenes that actually shows, rather than tells us or lets us search for scraps in the subtext, that the signers, and the members of Team 5Ds as a whole, care for each other outside of revolving around Yusei like planets around the sun. Even if it's laughably small, it's at least a hint that there are individual friendships between the other signers, too, that they all stick around one another for reasons beyond gravitating towards Yusei for one reason or another. And for that alone, I'm grateful that they put this here, even if Team Catastrophe was otherwise so ridiculous and made such a bad showing at their actual match that they could barely be taken seriously as antagonists at all.

Speaking of which. The actual meat of the matter. The Team Catastrophe match. What does Crow do here? Well, he duels! Even though he wasn't supposed to, for injury-related reasons. What both his participation as well as the actual duel accomplish, though, are that they not only showcase previously established character traits of Crow's again, but they also make a (possibly unintended) callback to a previous, major duel Crow took part in: His dark signer duel against Bommer/Greiger. Where and how? Let's see.

Firstly, Crow's participation. The reactions of the other characters to this make it very evident that Team 5Ds did not plan for this, with Yusei and Jack even going as far as to say they "had no choice" but to let Crow duel, because he insisted. This is perfectly in line with the stubbornness we already know from him at this point—a stubbornness that was also a major reason for why he took Bommer on and later continued his duel with said man, despite Yusei showing up and telling him he shouldn't be duelling a dark signer.

Secondly, there's the manoeuvring thing, and here's where I can call attention to a fun tidbit: The WRGP isn't what introduces the concept of manual mode during turbo duels to the audience. It's Crow. During his duel with Bommer. Being crafty and a bit shrewd as he is, Crow, during said duel in the DS arc, purposefully switches to manual mode when he duels Bommer, because he figures that attacks that can deal real damage can probably be evaded if you actually have control over your runner and aren't stuck in autopilot.

(Don't believe me? Here it is. And frankly, it is somewhat hilarious, yet also very fitting that Crow is the only one who thinks to do this during a duel with a dark signer.)

The reason this particular bit is relevant during the Team Catastrophe duel is because Crow essentially repeats this trick here. Of course, it's a bit less impactful now, given that manual mode is standard for WRGP duels, but still: Due to Hook, the Hidden Knight, Crow is forced to pay attention to the track and manually evade the monster's attempts to make his back wheel lock up during the duel, mirroring how he thought to manually evade Bommer's attacks during the DS arc.

Thirdly, there's the revenge angle, and this one is a particularly juicy callback. Remember, Crow's major reason for taking on Team Catastrophe, despite being injured, is that he wants to get revenge for Aki. This directly parallels how his major reason for duelling Bommer during the DS arc was that he wanted revenge for his kids, whom he believed to be dead at that point in time. (It also, interestingly, establishes a bit of a connection to his deck, which boasts a fair amount of revenge effects, but I'll not get into that here, seeing as I've talked about Crow's cards a bit before.)

Keep in mind, despite all the things listed above that this duel accomplishes, it's also by far the shortest WRGP duel. It lasts a whole six turns, total, which is ludicrous compared to the likes of 27-turn Team Unicorn, 26-turn Team Taiyou, or 25-turn Team Ragnarok. And I don't think it's controversial to say that the Catastrophe guys are probably the most forgettable WRGP Team, too. Yet, somehow, despite all its shortcomings in terms of memorable antagonists and plot relevance, this is one of the best duels of the WRGP where Crow's character writing is concerned. Now, I'll be perfectly candid: Coming into this post, I did not expect the Team Catastrophe duel, of all things, to end up being as good at actually showcasing Crow's character and his ties to other characters (who aren't Yusei) as it was, but here we are. And we had better hold on to the good the Team Unicorn - Catastrophe segment did for Crow, because the next thing that's coming up is a harsh break from the WRGP, starting with the sudden appearance of Placido's home-engineered army of killer duel robots. And what does Crow get to do during this part?

Uh. Well.

(Pictured: Bird Boy being demoted to benchwarmer while the city's being ransacked by murder duel robots.)

Nothing. A whole lot of nothing, is what.

During the duel robot invasion, we only ever flash back to Crow to ascertain that he is, in fact, useless during this part of the show, something he shares in common with Ruka, Rua, and Aki here, because all of them get pretty much nothing to do while Yusei finally gets the hang of accel synchro. Granted, Aki gets to save a little girl at the hospital, but in comparison to Yusei's lengthy, plot-heavy duel with Placido, this feels like a consolation prize. And for once, Jack is only marginally better off, too, because sure, he gets to beat up a couple of robots, but that's it, really.

Where Crow is concerned, his plot relevance doesn't actually resume once the Placido duel finishes, though. (And neither does Rua's, Ruka's, or Aki's, while we're at it.) Because wouldn't you know it, the next big thing directly after the duel robot invasion are the Red Nova episodes, where three out of five signers (Crow, Aki, and Ruka, unsurprisingly) are removed from the screen almost in their entirety again while Jack gets his much-needed dragon upgrade so he can keep up with Yusei, in order to uphold his status as a classic, almost-evenly-matched yugioh rival.

Speaking of upgrades and dragons, let's make a quick detour while our protag and rival duo take their express vacation to the Nazca plains. It is, of course, no secret that no signer outside of Yusei and Jack ever got a dragon upgrade within the anime. (No, I'm not forgetting about Life Stream Dragon. But that one, unlike Shooting Star Dragon and Red Nova Dragon, was a.) teased all the way back in the DS arc and b.) didn't have a unique summoning method or some other gimmick that made it an "elevated" synchro. So I'm discounting Life Stream as a "proper" dragon upgrade on purpose.) Is this the point where I start arguing that Crow should have gotten one, then? Well, not quite. Not with the writing the show canonically gave us, at least—after all, with how late Black-Winged Dragon was introduced, it would have been bonkers to upgrade him here already, if even at all. However, I do argue that the way the show hands only Yusei and Jack upgrades seems a bit... off. Now, I know why only those two get upgrades, or at least I think I do. After all, they're the central protag/rival duo, and within the framework of the character archetypes the larger yugioh canon has created for itself, this would have always made them the first, if not the only candidates for dragon upgrades. What feels a bit off to me, though, is that specifically the 5Ds cast feels like it... chafes a bit against those character archetypes, for lack of a better word. The problem is this: The signers, as far as the first two arcs are concerned, are sold to us as equals who all have very powerful ace monsters. Yes, Jack and Yusei are still undoubtedly the best duellists among them, but not on account of having uber-powerful extra special monsters that were acquired through supernatural means that are categorically inaccessible to the other signers. However, with the appearance of Shooting Star and Red Nova, this changes. While Yusei and Jack were previously and would have always been the two guys who had a Special dynamic with a capital "S" on account of their character archetypes, their acquisition of the dragon upgrades—and even more so, the lack of upgrades their fellow signers receive—now decidedly puts them in a different power bracket and skews the balance between previous, supposedly "equal" characters. (Which, unfortunately, is yet another thing that makes everyone else easier to sideline.)

Why do I bring all this up in a post dedicated to Crow? Because this new power imbalance arguably impacts him more than the other signers—because he's Team 5Ds' second wheeler and doesn't miss another WRGP match from here on out. Thus, that power imbalance is felt in the upcoming duels, where Yusei and Jack bust out Shooting Star and Red Nova like it's nothing, while Crow is left manoeuvring with the somewhat underpowered Black-Winged Dragon and whatever else he can come up with. This is also why I claimed that the show did sideline Crow in some aspects further above. Because while some parts of his writing go to great pains to establish him as part of a protagonist trifecta that is now supposed to take centre stage before the other characters, he also permanently lives in Jack and Yusei's shadow, ultimately barred not just from reaching equal status as a signer (due to his late and rocky introduction and dragon acquisition), but also barred from becoming the equal of his foster brothers as a duellist. Frankly, I'm surprised the show didn't make this a plot point, because the first thing my mind jumps to when I think about this is whether Crow felt left behind after his brothers acquired such immensely powerful, special cards. But more on my personal writing ideas later. For now, let's just put a pin in the power-imbalance thing.

So, when is Crow back on screen in any meaningful role, then? (Note that I mean this as literally as possible. As per my discussion about "screentime" and my gripes about it in part two, I gloss over the parts where Crow is on screen, but could be traded for any other signer or even a lamppost without affecting the scene at all.)

Well, the next thing Crow gets to do isn't exactly glorious, but it sure is funny.

(I want you all to remember that he has to wear this costume and play this part in Team 5Ds' absurd plan to capture Yaeger/Lazar because he lost at rock-paper-scissors. This will never not be funny to me.)

Ignoring the hilarious outfit and Crow playing the bait at a fabricated cup ramen promo event meant to lure Yaeger in, bird boy does actually get something that's not just for funsies to do during the two episodes where Team 5Ds is trying to get more information about Iliaster: He gets to have a duel revanche against Yaeger, who, if we remember the DS arc, ditched him the last time they squared off. Much like the Team Catastrophe duel, this one, too, calls back to previous duels Crow has had: For one, it's the obvious conclusion to his unfinished, first duel with Yaeger. And for two, Crow repeats a "trick" (for lack of a better term) here that is also unique to him: losing on purpose, which we remember from his duel with Lyndon.

(Identical-looking clown family jumpscare be upon ye.)

And again, much like getting injured for the Team Unicorn duel, I argue that this story beat here is something that could also only have been accomplished with Crow. Because he's the only one who has previously duelled Yaeger, firstly, because not wanting to make a child cry by beating their dad in a duel makes sense for him as a character due to him being a family-oriented person who loves children, secondly, and because losing on purpose in this scenario is a tactic that would seem out of character from anyone else, thirdly. (We recall, the only times Jack and Yusei, respectively, ever consider/offer to lose on purpose is when the lives of people close to them are on the line, in the shape of Carly/Rally. As for the others, aside from not being present, Aki, Rua, and Ruka are so heavily sidelined at this point that they would have never been an option for this. And if his writing is anything to go by, Bruno is mostly purposefully forbidden from accomplishing Plot Things, especially through duels, while he's Bruno.) But hey, due to the way this episode is set up, losing on purpose works out for Crow, because it convinces Yaeger to stop hiding and actually share his knowledge about Iliaster. This, by the way, is the second scene where Crow gets to be in a room with Sherry for a longer stretch of time. And look, him joking that Sherry might kill Yaeger if he doesn't spill the beans about Iliaster soon is fun and all, but in light of the Ark Cradle duel later, I have to point out that he, again, doesn't get to have so much as a shred of a meaningful conversation with Sherry here. Again. But moving on. The scene with Yaeger at the Poppo Time then leads us first to the small sequence in the arcade where the gang has to win a simulated duel to get Yaeger's encoded intel, then to episode 116—the Moment Express episode, where, due to this being a Yusei, Sherry, and Bruno-focussed episode, Crow gets nothing to do again. (And also doesn't get to interact with Sherry again.)

Congrats! We've survived the WRGP break. This leaves us with three more WRGP duels before shit hits the fan and the Ark Cradle arc commences. And full disclosure, I'll be doing a bit of a quick-fire round of those three duels. Why? Because despite them all having their merits in their own rights (they're the better liked duels of the WRGP for a reason), there honestly isn't that much focus on Crow during them. He duels, yes, and I've seen people point this out over and over again as the supposed smoking gun that shows how Crow had so much more relevance and screentime than Aki and yadda, yadda. We've been there. And it's not that I can't see where this argument is coming from—I'll be the first to tell you that it's a travesty that Aki never got to duel in the WRGP again outside of the Unicorn match. But I want to use the final three matches to dig into how the way these matches—and especially the opponents to go with them—were set up made it nearly impossible for Aki to replace Crow again during any point of the WRGP finals.

First, episode 118. This is the only preamble episode we get for the first two WRGP finals teams, and here, our group is split in two: Yusei, Bruno, and Rua introduce us to Team Taiyou, while Jack, Aki, and Crow introduce us to Team Ragnarok. There isn't much to say here, because the only thing this episode does for Crow is a shallow repeat of what the Team Catastrophe duel did: By putting him in a group with Aki and Jack, and letting them decide among themselves, independently, to check out the exhibition match, it implies that he voluntarily spends time with signers who aren't Yusei. Thumbs up. Gold star. You made an effort (I guess). Then, the real fun starts.

Round one. Team Taiyou.

(Pictured: The sweetest country bumpkins to ever grace this earth. Yes, I'm biased.)

So here's the deal with Team Taiyou, from a narrative standpoint, as best as I can grasp it: They are a callback to Team 5Ds' roots. Specifically, to the boys' Satellite roots. The Taiyou boys come from humble origins, have only one, mostly home-engineered duel runner, and play using old cards that are widely considered shitty, as 5Ds canon tells us. They are essentially the non-signer, countryside version of what Jack, Crow, and Yusei once were, which is why this is the first duel where the duellist constellation on Team 5Ds' end couldn't possibly have been altered. Team Taiyou is there to remind us where our boys started, so it has to be our boys duelling them. This also goes for Crow, even though this duel otherwise doesn't accomplish much for him, character-wise. Instead, it's more of a narrative wink at the audience, as well as providing a breather between otherwise extremely tense, plot-focussed duels. But yeah, Crow's part in this match isn't much to write home about; he doesn't get any verbal interactions that are very meaningful to his character, can't get so much as a scratch in on Zushin, even with Black-Winged Dragon, and is defeated so Yusei can take out the legendary giant.

Round two. Team Ragnarok.

(Behold the pizzazz of at least two contenders for Haircuts With The Most Spikes in the show.)

Though this duel is framed as being even more so aimed towards bolstering Jack's character writing than Crow's, given the inclusion of Dragan's personal history with Jack, Team Ragnarok gets significantly more interesting for Crow again than Team Taiyou did. This is, of course, mainly because of Brave/Broder. Where Team Taiyou were a callback to the 5Ds boys' roots, Team Ragnarok are their narrative foils. Dragan is the duellist who lost his pride to contrast Jack, who's brimming with pride at all times, and Harald/Halldor is essentially the rich, "destiny isn't bullshit, actually" version of Yusei. Meanwhile, unlike the first two, who highlight our 5Ds boys' characteristics by contrasting them, Brave acts as Crow's mirror. Through Team Ragnarok's flashbacks, we see that he gets almost exactly the same, lovable-rogue-type backstory that Crow did during the DS arc, just in a different setting. The only, major difference between them is that while Crow is more down-to-earth, Brave likes to be pretty flashy.

(Keep in mind that he's doing this on a runner. Is there such a thing as courses on how to do acrobatics on your runner? Like there are courses for vaulting on horseback irl? I'm overthinking this again.)

Unsurprisingly, the duel thus ends up addressing the similarities between Crow and Brave, mostly through two things: One, the duel essentially becomes a contest of who can out-trickster who, culminating in the famous, ridiculous-in-the-good-way sequence where Crow activates a trap from his graveyard, to the shock of pretty much everyone present. And two, despite being on opposite sides, the two bond over their concern for the children they took care of and their concern for children in general, which is expressed most clearly in the scene where Crow's kids, in an attempt to hold the poster they made for him higher, very nearly fall over the barricade in the WRGP stands. Despite the hefty length of the full duel, these are pretty much the only things actually related to Crow's character that come up, though. They're good, don't get me wrong, but in a duel that is otherwise this dense with plot, Aesir shenanigans, and Iliaster foreshadowing, it's no surprise that the duel doesn't add that much to Crow's character, outside of giving him someone he can bounce off very well and relate to. Again, though, we are faced with the same situation as with Team Taiyou: Due to the way the members of Team Ragnarok are written, meant to contrast/parallel one male duellist each from Team 5Ds, nobody other than Crow could have taken the third spot here, either. It would have felt awkward from a narrative standpoint (as much as I would have loved to see Aki duel more).

Now, finally. Round three. Team New World.

(Welp. Here come the robots.)

I had to check to make sure I wasn't misremembering this, but due to the way this duel was set up so José/Jakob could bust out Meklord Emperor Granel with a ridiculous amount of attack points, Crow gets a resounding four turns total in this duel. (Gee, I wonder which other character got this treatment during a WRGP duel.) During those four turns, there are only two things he accomplishes: One, leaving behind two combo pieces Yusei later uses, and two, showcasing the shrewd tactics that earned him the label of "trickster" during the Ragnarok duel by bringing out a non-synchro monster that can take advantage of a synchro monster's attack points and effects—Aurora the Northern Lights. And arguably, this is a very smart play, moreover, it's the only time anyone in the show has the bright idea to not use synchro monsters against the known and feared synchro-killer Meklords. Unfortunately, as smart as it is, the narrative doesn't reward Crow for this play—José all but shrugs what could have been a turning point in the duel off, then proceeds to steamroll Crow the next turn, leaving Yusei to score the win, as usual. To get back to the "Crow got so much more screentime than Aki during the WRGP" thing for a second, of all the duels in the WRGP finals, this is arguably the one where Aki could still most easily have taken Crow's spot again, because here, it doesn't matter whether it's him or someone else, as this duel isn't tied to his character in any way. Unfortunately, due to the Granel-steamroller-strategy, this is also the duel where letting Aki take his spot again would have been the biggest shot in the foot, because unless they had changed Team New World's strategy, Aki would have gotten brutally guillotined here, same as Crow—something I can't imagine anyone, not even people who hate Crow, being happy about.

With that, though, we've finally made it through the WRGP. So, what's the bottom line here? Frankly, speaking from my own interpretation, Crow occupies an... odd spot during this tournament, to say the least. Though he does get to duel the majority of the time, few of the duels actually cater to his character in any way. Moreover, he only gets to be the star of the show in a WRGP duel once, during the by far most forgettable match against Team Catastrophe. And mind that I use the term "star of the show" very loosely here, because the problem the WRGP arc as a whole has, in my opinion, is that the rather lame Team Catastrophe duel is the only one in the whole tournament that isn't won by Yusei, which categorically means that any of the other character's big moments are usually undermined by the fact that they ultimately still need him to save the day. Thus, moments like Aki summoning Stardust Dragon and Crow using an anti-synchro-killer strategy that for once actually forgoes synchros are somewhat cheapened by the fact that they're not actually the turning-point moments they're initially painted as, because ultimately, Yusei always has to be the one to save the day. What's worse is that this almost feels like a bit of a non-issue that could have easily been fixed—given that the show tells us that teams can shuffle around their line-up for a match any time. But unfortunately, the writing never interacts with this as a possible strategic element, nor does it ever seem to consider letting Yusei lose, or forcing him to give up his spot for a match. I feel the need to say that I don't put the blame at Yusei's feet here, though: This strongly feels like an oversight by the writers, and perhaps a disproportionate need to have a nigh-infallible protagonist (on the duelling side of things) that their audience would never run the risk of calling "lame". For Crow, though, this chiefly means one thing: In any duel other than the Catastrophe one, it was always clear that even if he partook, he would never finish the match. And yes, this is technically an issue Jack has, too. But this is where the character writing outside of the duels comes into play, too.

Unlike Jack, who actually gets to do something during the Diablo invasion (albeit very little), who gets his very own dragon upgrade and who gets a very personal, pre-duel plot with Dragan, the show's writing doesn't bother giving Crow a lot of plot- or character-relevant things to do, once the WRGP starts. This is also why I was so surprised at how much the Unicorn and Catastrophe duels embrace his interactions with Aki—compared to the later duels in the finals, this portion still makes Crow feel genuinely relevant and interwoven with the other characters. Meanwhile, out of the three final duels, only the Ragnarok one actually tries to establish a connection to his characterisation, through Brave. The Taiyou duel only sets itself up in such a way that Aki partaking instead of him would have been awkward. Meanwhile, the New World duel just has him being treated like a floormat in a sad parallel to Aki during the Unicorn duel, seeing as they both get a nice moment where it looks like they might turn the duel around (Aki summoning Stardust Dragon and Black Rose Dragon onto the field at the same time; Crow summoning Aurora the Northern Lights, which couldn't be absorbed by the Meklords), only to have their hopes dashed as they're mercilessly cleared off the track. Outside of the duels, many scenes sadly give the impression that they may as well not have included Crow, though—he often gets so little to contribute to a moment or even to say at all that substituting him with a cardboard box seems like it would not have impacted the scene in any way. And that's without addressing his non-existent connection to Sherry, which feels extra glaring, given his later interactions with her on the Ark Cradle.

All in all, the WRGP feels like a very mixed bag, where Crow's character writing is concerned. His belated backstory, which I talked about in part two, is front-loaded and asks as many questions as it answers. Then the tournament commences, gives him some actually decent character interplay with Aki for once (at the cost of letting her succeed in the tournament, it seems), only for him to be basically irrelevant during the WRGP pause again. And once the whole thing resumes, it becomes this hot-and-cold thing where some duel aspects seem tailored to him, while others treat him as completely expendable. The end result is an arc where I'm left wondering why exactly the writers felt the need to make it seem like Crow made up one portion of a protagonist trifecta, if they never actually bothered treating him as equal to the other two. (The answer, I believe, lies somewhere between the fumbled setup they did for him during the Fortune Cup and DS arc, and the way yugioh in general treats its character archetypes. But that's just speculation on my part.) The one, saving grace the WRGP (outside of the Pearson backstory) has for Crow is that it at least doesn't introduce any new character- and/or timeline inconsistencies. In fact, his character stays remarkably true to form once the tournament begins.

Okay, onto the final bit, then. As I've done in both previous posts, let me delve into completely subjective territory and offer some ideas on how this arc could have been handled to make it seem a little less all over the place with Crow. And since his writing here canonically intersects with Aki's several times, let me try to do it while offering the best of both worlds to both characters, if I can.

As far as Crow's backstory is concerned, I've already offered my solutions to that in part two. Now, to stay consistent with my own suggestions, I'll try to branch off what I wrote in the last post. This means that, as per my previous two analyses, we're dealing with two scenarios again: One, Crow stays a signer and we try to touch canon as little as possible. Two, Crow isn't a signer and we adjust canon in whatever way we need to to make him feel interesting and necessary despite/because of that.

First, though, let's get two adjustments I personally would have made in both versions out of the way:

The way the WRGP is structured puts every character that isn't Yusei at a massive disadvantage, where character moments in duels are concerned. Thus, I propose an overhaul. Among the changes I think could have benefitted the characters (yes, all of them) are: One - Aki actually getting to accomplish something during the Unicorn duel (she can and should still have her moments with Crow, but maybe let her portion of the duel end in her thanking him for coaching her, creating a more upbeat scene that strengthens their friendship, which could double as good setup for their later double-duel against Sherry). Two - letting the Team Catastrophe duel actually play out properly (as in, they become more meaningful as opponents by having a better strategy, for example, and Crow could stick it out longer against them, in order to make this more so his win than Jack's. Also, why not let Aki actually see him get back at Team Catastrophe for her?). Three - giving Crow an actual character moment during the Taiyou duel (what if one of the country boys had played a card or two of the ones he learned to read from? It could have helped drive the parallel between the two teams home.) Four - letting Crow's anti-Meklord strategy get at least a little payoff, if only for two turns (show us at least proof of concept, damn it!). Yes, the Ragnarok duel is the only one I wouldn't rewrite (unless special circumstances are introduced, see below). Additionally, let Team 5Ds alter their line-up more than once, damn it. Let them actually strategise about the duels, let them take into consideration who should go first when and whose deck might be better suited to which scenario. Also, remove Yusei from at least one duel. Doesn't matter how, just let him not partake once. Perfect setup to let Aki duel again, and would also allow for spicy character interactions. (Arguably the best duels where this could have been done would have been any of the final duels, though it would have also required rewriting the antagonists somewhat in any case.)

For the love of god, give Sherry and Crow some setup. Let them actually interact, let them introduce their philosophies to one another, just do something, anything to make Crow understanding and talking sense into her during the finale seem earned. A few chance meetings, or maybe even a tiny side-plot could have done so much here. And if you can't let them interact outright, at least let Aki and Crow talk about Sherry! Double whammy! The two characters who end up duelling against her are made to seem even more like a team, and Crow actually gets to find out what Sherry's deal is on-screen. Just. Set. it. up. I beg you.

There we go. Now, onto the two branches.

Option A: Crow stays a signer and obtained Black-Winged Dragon.

Seeing as Crow's signer status, funnily enough, isn't all that relevant during the tournament itself (save for two notable exceptions), there aren't that many fixes to be made here. Crow can still get injured, miss out on the Unicorn duel and be the star of the Catastrophe duel. But giving him something to do during the duel robot invasion that isn't standing around and hoping Yusei will fix everything would also be nice. It's fine if he can't drive out there and duel, but why not let him do something else? He's a crafty guy, why not let him find, say, a way to fry the Diablos' runners, taking a few of them out even from a semi-stationary position without duelling them? He could at least get as much of a consolation prize scene as Aki got with her saving that child. Then there's Team Taiyou, which, save for what I proposed above, is a duel that doesn't feel like it needs changes. Crow does his thing here. That's it. The same goes for Team Ragnarok, especially given that they're specifically written to oppose an all-signers Team 5Ds. Finally, there's Team New World, which, if I'm being completely candid, I would personally overhaul to change the cyborgs' strategy entirely in order to actually let all three members of Team 5Ds shine. But this is the version where I touch canon as little as possible, so... Aside from what I wrote above, no changes needed. Just make Crow seem a little more relevant, make his strategy have at least a little payoff, even if Granel's back out and menacing literally two turns later.

Option B: Crow, as per my previous posts, isn't a signer and doesn't have Black-Winged Dragon.

This is the version that would categorically require heavier changes, though they honestly don't arrive until the break in the tournament. Unicorn and Catastrophe stay the same, I would still propose that Crow gets to be a little more useful during the Diablo invasion. But! In this version, seeing as he never acquired BWD, the break in the WRGP would be an excellent spot to let Crow acquire an upgrade for his beefy Blackwing ace monster of choice. Give him a little side-plot, too, something to do, something where he proves himself. Maybe let him run into Iliaster here, or maybe call back to Pearson again and introduce the new Blackwing upgrade as a treasure Pearson stashed away before he died (maybe this could have even been the card Bolger was actually after; the world is our oyster here). Then he's beefed up, too, and actually feels a little more on the same level as Jack and Yusei. The tournament recommences and again, the Taiyou duel could stay mostly the same, I think. Ragnarok and New World are where it gets really interesting, though. The way I see it, Ragnarok could go two ways with Crow not being a signer: Either he partakes as he did in canon and his non-signer status is called out as a peculiarity by our Swedish boys who happen to be obsessed with fate (which would make his performance against Brave seem all the more impressive), or, due to this being a duel all about destiny and celestial pissing contests, Crow's spot is given to Aki again for this duel due to her signer status (this would, obviously, require rewriting Brave, perhaps even switching him out for a Ragnarok lady instead). As for Team New World, this duel would honestly be a lot more juicy with a non-signer Crow, because much like he was for the dark signers, a non-signer Crow would essentially be an unknown in their plan for the cyborgs. He would be the guy who's Not Supposed To Be Here. Granted, he would still be beaten, but he could still get an excellent moment where his out-of-left-field anti-Meklord strategy genuinely seems to turn the tables for a bit, angering José and providing even stronger setup for Yusei to win later.

Aaaaand that's that. Somehow, I get the feeling the WRGP had the least things that needed fixing because it also had the least actual character writing. But that might just be me. It's late and I have been writing for A While. But hey, I got out part three faster than part two! I consider that an achievement.

Now, while I get my talking points in order for part four, I hope you'll have fun chewing on this one. See you in the grand finale to my Bird Boy dissertation.

#yugioh 5ds #crow hogan #ygo 5ds #5ds #yugioh meta #team unicorn #team catastrophe #team taiyou #team ragnarok #team new world #holy shit my brain is smoking #so. much. stuff to talk about. #the irony that I'm posting an analysis of this length about crow #on a blog with an aki theme is not lost on me #listen I love them both. they are so good. #and tbh I think I made it abundantly clear that I do here #they are friends. they don't need to fight. #also again if anyone wants to use my fix suggestions as fic premises #please do and tag me if you publish it #anyway *yeets this out into the wild* take it

[alwaysbethewest]

Narcos fic: Like to Tell You All I Want

Title: Like to Tell You All I Want Pairing: Javier Peña/Steve Murphy Rating: Explicit Word Count: 2.2k Content/warnings: Set shortly after episode 2x01 and contains spoilers for something that happens in that ep. Hurt/comfort, sleep issues, food, angsty handjobs, mildly angsty in general. Flagrant overuse of em dashes and italics. Unbetaed and frankly written on a razor thin premise to begin with. Dedicated to @pajamasecrets​, who asked for a Steve/Javi fic. Title is from Snow Patrol - the full lyric is when your eyes meet mine I lose simple skills/like to tell you all I want is now. Also posted on AO3.

  Connie picks up on the fourth ring, sounding harried and slightly out of breath. “Hello?”

“Connie. It’s Javier.”

She’s silent for a moment and when she speaks he realizes it’s because she was steeling herself, bracing for him to tell her something awful. Her voice sounds young over the crackly long distance line. “Is Steve okay?”

“He’s fine,” he tells her. “I mean. He looks like shit, but nothing happened to him. I’m not calling because something happened.”

“Okay,” she breathes. “Okay, good.”

“He’s not sleeping,” Javi says. She sighs and doesn’t say anything and he takes a drag off his cigarette while he waits for her to speak. Blows out the smoke away from the phone.

“I don’t know what you want me to say, Javi.”

“I’m not trying to—” he starts, frustrated. He doesn’t want to sound angry with her. That’s not what this is about, at all. “I’m not trying to pick sides or tell you to come back, Connie.” He’d almost said, to come home, but he knows Colombia is not the home for her that it is for him. For Steve, even, by now. She had something else to go home to still, something more important than this chase. He wonders what that feels like.

Maybe he envies her a little.

“Okay,” she says again.

“Just.” He breathes again, in and out, contemplating. Brushes a thumb over his lips and watches the ash grow on his cigarette. “If you were here. How would you get him to sleep?”

“I don’t know,” she sighs. “A beer and a blowjob?”

He’s silent. Nothing to say to that that isn’t cruel—should I get him a hooker, then?—or helpless—please come home.

“Is he eating?” she asks.

“A little bit, I guess, yeah.”

“Give him something starchy,” she offers. “Potatoes, spaghetti. That always knocks him out.”

“Okay.” It feels ineffective, but. He makes a mental note to check his kitchen cupboards for pasta. Tries to picture a mound of spaghetti big enough to counter Steve’s broken heart.

“I used to—” she starts, and then she cuts herself off, rueful. “He wouldn’t let you do that.”

“What?”

“He would lay his head in my lap and I’d stroke his hair while we watched TV or listened to records. He likes that. It relaxes him.”

It’s almost as unhelpful a suggestion as the blowjob, he thinks, and he wonders for a moment if he should hire one of the girls to just stroke Steve’s hair. For some reason the thought of it makes the back of his neck go hot. He feels a headache coming on.

“Javi,” she says. “I’m sorry, I have to go, I—” there’s a screeching sound in the background, a little kid throwing a tantrum. “Sorry, Jesus, my nephew is…” Her voice fades away and then she’s speaking to someone else. He leans an elbow on his knee and rubs at his temple, waiting. “Javi. I really have to go. Thank you for looking out for him. He’ll feel better once he gets some sleep. It’ll pass.”

“Yeah,” he says. He’s not sure it’s true, but maybe it’s a good thing for both of them to hold out hope.

“Take care of yourself, too.”

“Sure,” he says, and it’s not really true either.

  Javi’s not much of a cook, but he can fix a box of instant mashed potatoes as well as anyone, he figures.

He tells Steve, “You’re having dinner at my place,” brooking no argument, and Steve looks at him with the dull gaze he’s been sporting lately and shrugs. But he shows up a little while after they both get home from work, and he’s even changed into a clean t-shirt and jeans, so Javi counts it as a step forward.

The potatoes are passable but somehow nowhere near the quality that Connie makes them, and he gets distracted and overcooks the steak he’s serving with them, and for once he’s a little grateful for Steve’s current state because he doesn’t seem to notice or care. After they’ve eaten, they sit on the couch, feet propped up on the coffee table, and Javi turns on the TV, tries to subtly watch Steve out of the corner of his eye while he gives half his attention to reading a file he’s brought home. Steve still has that dull look, tired but antsy and unsettled under the surface. He’s hunched on the couch and he looks exhausted, under eyes smudged dark, and it hurts to look at him.

Javi thinks—he wonders. If this is a piece of the same hurt that Connie felt, watching Steve sink further away from her as the months went by.

Javi thinks about it, thinks about it. Thinks about Connie’s words, he wouldn’t let you do that but he likes that, and he stretches his arm out along the back of the couch and then works his fingers into Steve’s hair at the back of his head, watches Steve’s eyes fall shut, a line of tension appearing between his eyes like he’s in pain.

“Javi,” he chides him, voice gravelly from disuse and too many cigarettes. He moves like he’s going to pull away from the touch. Like he doesn’t know what’s good for him. Javi grips his head a little firmer, feels as Steve’s neck relaxes and he drops his head forward, and Javi tugs lightly to pull him sideways on the couch. Steve lets out a big sigh, like he’s doing Javi a favor here and he’s not happy about it, but he lets himself be led and settles his head on Javi’s thigh. He lies there with his eyes closed and the TV turned on low while Javi balances his file on the arm of the couch with his right hand and strokes through Steve’s hair with his left.

And eventually, like a miracle Javi’s forgotten how to pray for, Steve falls asleep like that, breath skating steady and peaceful over the top of Javi’s leg.

  Later, the TV’s gone dark and Javi’s kicking himself for not bringing the bottle of whiskey within reach before pulling this maneuver. He’s pinned in place, not against his will but not entirely comfortable, and he’s given up on reading his file of unreliable informant intel so he’s pushed the folder onto the end table next to the couch and has his cheek propped on his hand, his own eyes threatening to fall shut.

Steve shifts in his sleep, turning on his side to press his face into the bend of Javi’s hip, mumbles something unintelligible in his sleep, and Javi glances down to watch him, so he sees it when Steve halfway wakes up and moves his head, nuzzling into Javi’s belly. And Javi—holds his breath, watching wide-eyed, unsure. Not touching Steve’s hair anymore but hovering his hand over him, an inch away. Finally Steve opens his eyes, looks up at him, frowns microscopically.

“Javi,” he murmurs, almost a question, and Javi says, “You thought it was someone else?” but if he means it as a joke it falls flat.

Steve’s face goes pained again. He shifts his hips and knocks his head carelessly against Javi’s lap, raises his hand to rake through his hair in frustration. His hand bumps against Javi’s, still hovering helplessly over him. “Javi,” he says again, deep voice cut with urgency. “I want—I want—” and he hides his face again against Javi’s belly, breath panting hot through the fabric of his shirt. Javi reaches his right hand down so he can cup Steve’s head in both hands, turn him gently to look up at him again, and when Steve opens his eyes he looks feverish, his gaze is so heated and unfocused. Somehow—something in his face must give it away because without consciously thinking about it Javi glances down the length of Steve’s body, sees the bulge where he’s gone hard in his jeans. He looks back at Steve’s face, brushes his hand through Steve’s hair and watches his face go tight and desperate. “Javi,” he whispers again.

“Okay,” Javi says quietly. His heart is racing but he keeps his voice calm. Soothing. “It’s okay. Come here,” he tells him, and pulls him up gently, guides his body to pull him close. And Steve clambers up, shoving his long leg over Javi’s to straddle his lap, meeting his gaze with wide eyes. Javi tucks his hands under the back of Steve’s shirt, touching his bare skin, rubbing along his back, and watches Steve’s eyes flutter closed. “Okay?” he says, and Steve nods, ducks his chin down a little.

“Do you want—” Javi starts, and he’s not sure how to finish the sentence. Do you want me to touch you, is what he wants to say, but he’s already touching him. Do you want me to jerk you off seems like it might break whatever fragile thing this is. He feels that pang of hurt again. He wants this to be easy. Unbreakable. “More?” he finally finishes—do you want more, and Steve nods. Javi pulls one hand around to Steve’s belly, running the back of his hand gently over the vulnerable, soft skin there, and brings it to rest on his belt buckle. He tucks two fingers into the waistband of his pants, right where a light trail of hair grows leading down. “Yeah?” he asks again, double-, triple-checking before he accidentally crosses a line they can’t uncross. Steve’s eyes come half open, heavy-lidded and fever-hot still, and he nods again.

“Okay,” Javi says again, on an exhale, and he brings his other hand forward as well so he can use both of them to undo Steve’s belt buckle and unzip his jeans. Steve’s hips push up to meet his hands, and his breath is turning loud, harsh in the quiet space. When Javi’s got his right hand on Steve’s dick he moves his other hand up to the back of Steve’s neck, raking through his hair again, and Steve chokes out a moan and collapses against him, burying his face in Javi’s neck and canting his hips to thrust into his hand.

It’s too dry and he has to grip him gently until he can gather the tacky-wet precome gathering at the head of Steve’s cock on his fingers, spread it down his length, working in the tight space between them, but Steve groans again like it’s good, the vibration of it humming across Javi’s skin, and Javi starts stroking him more firmly. He realizes that his hand in Steve’s hair has gone tight, pulling at the short strands, and tries to make himself loosen his grip. Steve opens his mouth against Javi’s neck, running his teeth over his skin—he bites him and Javi flinches, feels his breath catch, the rhythm of his hand faltering for a moment. He tugs at his hair in a light admonition that makes Steve turn his head again, pressing his forehead against Javi’s shoulder instead. “Fuck,” he murmurs. “Please.” Steve’s left hand is wrapped around Javi’s bicep but his right hand he shoves up under Javi’s shirt, pushing the fabric up until he’s got his hand over his heart, curling his fingers to clutch at him. When he comes it spills over Javi’s fingers and spurts hot onto his exposed stomach, and Steve cries out muffled against his shoulder, sits there panting and quiet as he comes down. And Javi strokes his hair gently, soothing fingers against his scalp. Feeling him relax.

After a minute Steve shifts his hand down to feel at Javi’s dick, and Javi stops him, grabbing his hand with Javi’s messy one. “You should let me,” Steve mumbles, sounding sleepy but determined, and Javi squeezes his hand lightly. Takes a breath.

“Next time,” he tells him. What he means is, if there is a next time, if you’re not delirious and out of your mind with sleep deprivation and grief, if I know you won’t hate me for letting you do it. And Steve lets out a sigh, releases the last ounce of tension in his shoulders, and relaxes against Javi’s body. He lets him sit there for a few minutes, holding his hand and absently stroking his hair, and finally he nudges him gently to sit back on the couch.

“Stay there,” he tells him. “Don’t move for a minute.” Steve looks like he could barely move if he wanted to, all lazy limbed and shut eyes. Javi goes and washes his hands and cleans the come off his stomach and gets a washcloth damp with warm water, gives it to Steve when he gets back to the couch. Steve cleans himself off and tucks himself back into his underwear but leaves his jeans undone and Javi makes a decision.

“Come on,” he says. “You’re going to bed.” He helps him off the couch and gets him to Javi’s bedroom, lets Steve balance a hand on his shoulder while he steps out of his jeans. He falls into Javi’s bed, buries his face into pillows that must smell like him, and Javi watches him for a long moment. He rubs his hand over his chest, feeling for the ghost of Steve’s fingers and the softened remnants of that aching pain, and he wonders what kind of mistake he’s just made.

(eta: this fic now has a sequel)

#fanfiction #narcos #narcos fanfiction #javier peña #steve murphy #javier peña/steve murphy #pedro pascal #my fic #stavier

[beerecordings]

How do we recognize ableist content like that? I've never been in situations like that, so something that look pretty harmless to me could be in fact quite shitty. I don't want to share stuff like that and be unaware of it, how do I learn?

well thank you for asking!!! but the first thing I’d like to do is make it clear that while I do trust myself to recognize many common ableist errors/choices, I do not pretend to be an authority on this issue any more than anyone else who’s done some research, talked with other people, and worked to recognize things. I need help sometimes too! Also I’d like to reiterate that I am able-bodied and people with disabilities are free to correct me.

The second thing to notice is that SOMETIMES these things are context-dependent. For instance, while I usually gag to see Jameson made into like the son of somebody the same age as him, if you’re actually writing an au where Jameson and maybe another character or two are actually children to another character, that can be pretty cute!!! In that case an adult is not being infantilized and he is not made into a child because of his disability - he’s being made into a child because he’s a literal four-year-old and that’s the premise of the story (and he still can’t talk). Alternatively, maybe Jameson needs extra attention and love and protection from older brothers after a traumatic event - but at some point, that Jameson should begin to regain his independence, should still experience a wide range of emotions, and should not be condescended to about his emotions or ability to function alone. However, please be careful with this… don’t use context to make excuses if you’re actually pulling ableist shit.

I think that list I gave in the post I made is a good (but not comprehensive!) starting point for some of the things to look for that are offensive to people with disabilities (some of these are specific to mutism). Let’s take another deeper look at these points:

Before reblogging something with Jameson in it, for instance, ask yourself - does this infantilize the character?

Is Jameson unable to function alone in society beyond the reasonable limitations we would expect of a person with a disability? Is Jameson babied to a ridiculous degree by the other egos? Does Jameson only experience basic emotions? Does Jameson ever stand up for himself or display “unpleasant” and unromanticized emotions such as anger, desire to isolate, desire for violence, ugly grief and sorrow, etc? Disabled adults are still ADULTS. Don’t treat them like little kids!!! If you want to portray Jameson’s trauma reactions - and you should!! he’s been through a lot!! - make sure this is more complex than just reducing him to a sweet needy baby who needs a hand to hold twenty-four seven. He should have ugly reactions too and be more complex than sad sometimes because he’s disabled and needs more attention. Otherwise you are infantilizing his mutism and romanticizing his trauma.

Does this erase Jameson’s disability completely or partially?

I have had people tell me it’s okay to erase Jameson’s disability because “they just wanted him to have a cute British accent.” I have had people to tell me to “chill out” because it “isn’t a big deal” that people erase his disability. I’ve heard people say “I couldn’t really get into Jameson for some reason, he just wasn’t my favorite character - so I decided to make him my own and give him new powers and let him talk and now I like him a lot!”

FUCK OFF M8

DON’T WRITE HIM IF YOU AREN’T WILLING TO INCORPORATE HIS DISABILITY AND YOU HATE DISABLED CHARACTERS. WHY ARE SOME OF U LIKE THIS. HOW DARE YOU qUITE FRANKLY

DO NOT SUPPORT CONTENT WITH A SPEAKING JAMESON UNLESS ANTI IS ABOUT TO SHOW UP AND CUT THAT BOY’S THROAT OR MAYBE IT’S AN AU WHERE SOMEBODY ELSE HAS THE DISABILITY BUT I’M NOT A HUNDRED PERCENT SURE ABOUT THAT ONE -

When you erase Jameson’s disability, you are telling every disabled person who might come across your writing that there is something wrong with being disabled and that they need to be fixed, as well as warping your own perception of the disabled people you will meet in your life. Do not use magic spells to erase Jameson’s inability to vocalize. Do not just decide you prefer a vocalizing Jamie.

Is this a respectful and accurate representation of a character who cannot vocalize?

If you are not disabled, you probably should not write pieces deeply exploring his relationship with his disability, because you just can’t do it right. I’m tired of seeing people write like ten thousand words of whump about how sad Jamie is about being disabled and how he longs desperately to just be normal like everyone else!! If only he didn’t have to sign!!! And he never seems to make any progress at accepting himself, he never seems to have any righteous anger at the people who treat him like shit, he always seems to let himself be comforted by other people telling him how to perceive himself instead of coming to terms with it with the help of both others and his own internal development. Incorporate his disability, and yes, it’s okay if it upsets him that other people react poorly to his inability to vocalize sometimes, but avoid stories which focus on him dealing with his disability exclusively if you are not disabled. If his disability is the only thing that ever makes him sad or makes him experience a negative emotion, you have fucked up again and you are using his disability for whump points like an asshole instead of seeing him holistically. I get upset sometimes because I see people will get prompts about JJ and it will be like… “job interview!” so they write one where Jameson gets turned down for a job because of a disability or it will be like “mourn!” and it’s about how he mourns his lost voice and “spell!” is about Marvin trying to fix him and just….. I guess it’s okay to write that stuff every now and then, but it’s a BIG RED FLAG if someone takes every single prompt or thought about JJ and makes it about him being sad about his disability.

Is this a respectful and accurate representation of sign language?

Please be aware that Jameson speaks BSL, not ASL! I think most people mess that one up just because they don’t know, not because they’re ableist, so it’s great to spread awareness! If you are writing something about Jamie, though, you really should know. You should also try to learn a little about the way people sign and just do some research! Also, when writing Jameson, be aware of the signing. If he is in another room than Jackie, then remember that Jackie can’t “hear” him. You just forgot he couldn’t talk! Double-check your work or ask someone to beta and this one is avoided easily. Be open to someone pointing out “actually, Jameson couldn’t do that, he was downstairs!” and work to accommodate him.

If I were unable to vocalize, would I be offended by this representation?

Many of us have disabilities of our own. Think about the things that bother you and how they apply to mutism or even other disabilities like Chase’s depression. One thing that always helps me (though I am not in a wheelchair!) is comparing this to people in wheelchairs. Would it be okay for me to write a fic where a person had their legs magically fixed after a lifetime of not being able to walk and then everybody liked them better and they finally found purpose? Would it be okay for me to write ten snippets in a row about how sad they are they can’t walk? Would it be okay for me to just decide they can walk now because I’m annoyed when I have to write in their wheelchair? Is it okay for me to say that they can’t wheel themselves around or that they use magic to move at all times and would not be able to move at all if someone were not pushing them or they lost their magic? Is it okay for everyone to treat the person like a helpless baby because they can’t walk? Honestly, I think we know more than we think if we take a moment to critically examine. Trust your gut.

Does this contain common problems in portrayal of characters with disabilities/mutism such as derision or lamentation towards sign language, making the character defined entirely by their disability (always a cheerful character except when reminded of their disability, for example), having other characters explain things about their disability to them, or treating the character as childish, needy, and unable to function in society because of their disability?

Pretty self-explanatory, but well worth repeating.

Do not show derision towards sign language (though a villain might, if it was clear that they are the villain and doing something wrong!). We have already discussed the complexities of lamentation and I suggest that you avoid that as well, especially if you are going to make his character flat. If you are not disabled, you really can’t portray it well, and it’s ableist to focus so much on the disability that you do not give the character any other complexity. Do not make the disability the “tragic backstory” of the character’s life. Complexity is important because it means you are seeing the person as more than their disability! You should know things about the character other than “they are happy and sweet and sugary and never get angry or make mistakes!! except sometimes… they are sad because they can’t talk uwuw poor baby” you look that shit in the eyes and you tell it to fuck off, you hear me? It’s great to have a sweet, nice, sugary baby brother Jameson as long as he is more complex than that, with real independence and abilities of his own and complex emotions and character! His disability should not be his one weak spot or his tragic backstory or some shit!

ALSO DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT REFER TO JAMESON AS “THE MUTE.”

like dude even “the mute man” is pretty fucking shifty because why do you feel the need to define him by that??? but definitely not “the mute moved down the hallway” i will block you on sight and you will deserve it that is SO offensive would you call a person who can’t walk “the cripple???”

Don’t have a speaking character explain things about disabilities to characters with disabilities. Speaking characters should not be condescending towards the character about much of anything, really, or else you’re infantilizing - if you need someone to explain things, obviously that’s okay, but do it in a way that recognizes that this is a mature and independent adult.

The character with a disability should be able to function in society past the limitations that are to be expected. No, Jameson isn’t going to magically start talking, but if he wants to go on a walk alone, he can. Let him do things like writing or texting. Don’t be afraid to give him a cool job and awesome hobbies. Let him have independence. If you can’t imagine JJ living on his own because he can’t speak, you’re doing it wrong. Look for signs that Jameson is capable of things other than making tea and kissing his brothers good night.

It’s okay to have a Jameson with a slightly childish personality, and I love it when he’s a sweet boy! But there should be more to him than that. I’m just going to say it - you know when Jameson is being treated like a baby. You know the difference between infantilization and a nice friendly man with sweet cute hobbies and interests. You can see it. Trust yourself. Don’t buy it when you see it and if you’re writing him, make sure there is complexity instead of just sugar-sweet with a sugar-sweet filling. He’s an adult. Remember that and remember that it’s harmful to pretend otherwise.

Geez, that was a rant and a half. Again, I am not the perfect authority. But there are some tips.

Does that help at all?

Feel free to add on to that if you have seen specific things in the fandom that I might not have seen or you have a disability and have experience with being discriminated against.

[thelightofthingshopedfor]

Dear Yuletide writer,

I’m 100indecisions on AO3. just based on numbers of requests/offers in the signup summary, it seems fairly likely that you matched with me on Avengers Academy, but it’s also slightly possible it was Silent Hill 3 or The Bifrost Incident. numbers also indicate nobody else requested or offered my other two fandoms, but I’m including them here anyway in case you or anyone else wants to take a stab at them. (there’s also this post if you want a little more info about why these fandoms are cool and where to find them.)

regardless! the important thing as always is that you have fun writing the fic, and for the most part everything that follows is just a suggestion. whatever you come up with, I’m sure I’ll love it.

I feel like…most of the fandoms I requested aren’t too likely to lead to fics with my major DNWs, probably. I wouldn’t want to see dubcon or significant manipulation in a relationship that’s supposed to be positive and healthy, for instance. I’m not opposed to explicit sex scenes of any kind, although I often end up skimming them because I’m the type of ace person who is just Not Interested in most of the physical aspects, so…you’re welcome to write sex scenes if it’s relevant but you absolutely don’t have to feel like you need to.

in general, my biggest DNW is unhappy endings. I’m thrilled to see my favorite characters go through all kinds of hell to get there, so for most of these I would be very happy to get something tagged Crueltide, but I also like things to be okay or at least hopeful by the end. if canon is the unhappy part in one way or another, I’m always happy to read fix-it fics. Between post-canon fix-its that could reasonably happen in the future and canon-divergence AUs where things are okay now because of some mid-canon change, I have a slight preference for the former, but both are good.

as for stuff I like, well, the other thing implied by my main DNW is that I do often enjoy fairly dark fics, as long as they end okay. I also like Loki a lot, as you can probably guess from my requests. if you ended up matching me on Avengers Academy Loki or Bifrost Incident Loki, and/or you want to take a stab at one of the other Loki-centric requests, the Loki fics I’ve actually written are pretty representative of stuff I like in my Loki fics, which basically boils down to “sympathetic interpretations always, with loads of angst and/or whump on the way to a reasonably happy ending”. I tend to take a somewhat lighter tone in general with my Avengers Academy fics (I’ve written several of those and only one of them doesn’t involve Loki at all, so…yeah I have a one-track mind where Loki is concerned), although I did also write a pretty damn whumpy fic for AvAc Loki. I’m very invested in the relationship between Thor and Loki as brothers, although Thorki is usually a personal squick. for things that aren’t necessarily Loki-related, I like found families and deep friendships, sibling bonds, stories about characters reclaiming their own agency from some outside force and/or figuring out how to take control of their own narratives, and probably plenty of other things that aren’t coming to mind at the moment. I’m equally good with plotty fics and little slice-of-life or introspective pieces. I will always always always be happy to see queer characters, especially asexual ones.

more detail about my specific requests, basically just expanded versions of what I wrote in my sign-up:

Silent Hill 3 (Heather Mason). I love this game and that’s mostly because of Heather–she’s resourceful, brave, and incredibly tough, and the game is essentially all about her reclaiming her agency (in a very literal, physical way) from people who used her for their own ends. Anything that gets into Heather’s head would be great, whether it’s a missing scene of some kind during the game or something afterward that explores what she does next, how she recovers from a frankly massive amount of trauma, and how she reconciles the various layers of her identity. The ways in which Heather, Cheryl the child, and Alessa both are and are not the same person are endlessly fascinating to me, and it seems like she probably has a lot of weird memories bouncing around in her head at this point--and possibly some extra trauma from Alessa’s memories of things Heather never physically experienced, as if she doesn’t have enough to deal with already. I would also really love to see something involving Angela and/or Maria from Silent Hill 2; I’m not sure how the timelines would line up (although realistically, considering the setting, that part would be trivial to handwave) but the way Heather basically said “fuck you, you don’t own me” to the cult makes me want to see other female characters find their own agency as well, and it would be really awesome if Heather found a way to help them do that, either by helping them directly or just by influencing the way the town operates. in general, I love these games for their atmosphere and symbolism, so anything you can do along those lines would be great.

Avengers Academy (Loki, Thor). I still miss this game. I especially miss Loki, who was a snarky little bastard but really not a bad dude. Mostly I’d be thrilled to see anything that focuses on him (or her, I super loved Loki’s canonical genderfluidity) developing actual friendships at the academy, with any characters who might be relevant (Steve, Natasha, America Chavez, Nebula, Union Jack, Angela, Jane Thor, really anybody). Working things out with Thor and/or the rest of his family is always good too; Loki’s Frost Giant storyline didn’t involve Thor at all, for instance, probably because it was written long before Thor was added to the game, so I’d be interested to see how things went when he found out his brother was a Frost Giant. I’m also always happy to see crossovers of some kind with other Marvel universes, especially considering AvAc was an interesting patchwork of film and comics canon; meta stuff where characters are aware of their multiverse counterparts is always fun (again, my own AvAc fics are pretty representative of what I like…and if you wanted to build off anything in those, I’d be thrilled). and hey, if you want to pick up or expand on any of the plot threads the game never really got around to, like more about the Academy’s supposed mole, the actual nature and origin of the timefog, or other worldbuilding-related stuff, that would be awesome. random slice-of-life stuff is also fun; so is expanding on any of the event plotlines or digging into in-world reasons for various gameplay decisions (way back during the Civil War event, for instance, Loki was one of the characters who could do stuff to earn points for Team Cap even though this didn’t come up in dialogue--it was almost certainly because they needed another non-event character to round out the rosters, but it would also make a fun premise for a fic). I’d also be happy to see something post-canon, showing what characters are up to now or doing some kind of reunion. I’m realizing somewhat belatedly that last year I only requested Loki because that’s the character I wanted most, and this year I requested both Loki and Thor even though my actual wishes haven’t changed, which...I’m not sure if that’s a potential matching problem or not. But just to be clear, the only character I require is Loki, and everything else is basically a suggestion. If there’s a character I haven’t listed but Loki had an interesting interaction with them, or they never spoke but you think they’d play off each other in fun ways, go for it.

The Bifrost Incident - The Mechanisms (Loki, Thor, Sigyn). I...need a fix-it. Like, for these characters specifically, but also for the universe in general, because the premise of this album is absolutely fascinating but I can't deal with tragedy, so--I need somebody to fix it. Somehow. I mean, I would also be very interested in pretty much anything about Loki and Sigyn, backstory or otherwise (especially if there’s Loki whump due to cosmic horror in general or Odin being a dick specifically, because...I am who I am), or Loki’s relationship with Thor, or...yeah, pretty much anything Loki-centric? But also I am a baby who cannot deal with tragedy so I gotta have like...at least a hint that things are going to end up differently than in canon. Or if you really don’t want to do that, speculate on this universe’s version of Valhalla or something, I don’t know. And yes, even though this isn’t a Marvel universe, I would also be very happy with some type of crossover/fusion with the MCU or another Marvel universe.

Loki: Where Mischief Lies - Mackenzi Lee (Loki). I had a lot of issues with this book and I’m not sure how much of that is just me not appreciating what the author was doing with an unreliable narrator (in part because I’m already pretty attached to certain interpretations of Loki) and how much is the author not quite doing it right, but I’d love to see something that would…make it make sense internally in terms of Loki’s motivations and actions. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a fix-it, although I’d love one of those too, with Loki reuniting with Theo and/or actually reconciling with his family. A giant crossover that includes this Loki with other major versions of Loki could be fun too. I’ve been planning for a while to write up some kind of actual review to articulate what about this book didn’t work for me, and I’ll update this post with a link when I do that, although…again, I know nobody else offered or requested this one. (if you think it sounds fun or you just want to read this book in general, my library actually has the ebook on Hoopla, so it’s worth checking to see if your library does too.)

What If... Thor Was Raised by the Frost Giants? (Loki, Thor). This is such a great little AU and I need MORE. Slice-of-life stuff with Thor and Loki growing up (and Laufey being an abusive bastard to Loki)? Fix-it where Freyja survives or somehow gets brought back? Post-canon fic picking up immediately after the end of the comic? Far-future speculation about what the present-day Marvel universe might look like with this change in its history? Literally anything post-canon about Thor and Loki tentatively reconciling? YES PLEASE. As always, biggest DNW is unhappy endings.

#yuletide 2020 #yuletide #avengers academy #silent hill 3 #the bifrost incident #loki: where mischief lies #marvel comics #look at me doing my Yuletide letter in a reasonable timeframe for once #mostly because...the majority of this was copied from last year's but whatever #marvel what if

[disregardcanon]

A decade in fanfiction

The meme template was made by me myself and I! Please, if you’re interested go ahead and do it! I would love to see other people reflecting on their writing right along with me :) 

Where can we read your fic? Please give us a link so that we can check these stories out!

my early fics can be read on my ffn The Ficsmith 

on ao3, my pseuds are sunkelles and fullmetal anime

I also have lots of short things here on tumblr. i would try searching a favorite fandom of yours and au on my blog and something might pop up. 

How many words of fanfiction have you written this decade?

On ao3, I have posted  1,031,824 words. I would bet that I posted 40k on ffn before i started posting concurrently to my ao3, and that i’ve posted maybe 80k of stuff just to tumblr? If I estimate that way and don’t think about unfinished works and wips, I’d say 1,151,824 words thereabouts. 

How many stories have you written?

I’ve posted 338 stories to ao3. I am not going to go do the math to add on my stories from ffn as well. 

Have you written on multiple websites? If so, which website is your favorite and why?

ao3 is my favorite website for fic because it’s just so EASY to search through, post to, and get your stats from. plus it’s very visually appealing. 

Have you used multiple pen names? If so, list them and tell us the story behind the name

on ffn, i used a lot of pen names over the years, but i only remember 3 of them 

1. thee sun. this was my first pen name on the internet and it was because back then, my friends and i had series of nicknames going where we were each a part of the solar system. one of my friends suggested that i should be the sun because i was happy and bouncy and the friend group “orbited” around me. it wasn’t really accurate then or now, but sun ended up sticking. 

2. sunless skies was my emo change to that pseud 

3. the ficsmith is my current name there as i thought the word “wordsmith” was badass and decided that ficsmith sounded very, very cool 

on ao3, my primary pseud has always been “sunkelles”. half of it’s the old nickname and half of it’s another nickname i won’t get into. it’s a very personal handle for me that i love dearly 

my second pseud is fullmetal anime, my anime pseud. fullmetal alchemist was one of my first anime when my old roommate got me onto my weeb phase in my twenties, and i thought that sounded too badass to pass up. 

What is the first story you posted this decade?

I Will Never Leave You Alone: this is a percy jackson fic set after the lost hero. It was my imaging of how the meeting in son of neptune might go if percy didn’t get his memories back. it’s bad, but it was my first attempt at fanfiction. i think that it could have been a lot worse. 

What is the last story that you posted this decade?

Not Willing to Wait for it: this is a tangled the series fic about cassandra. it’s not really my favorite thing i’ve ever written, but it’s not a terrible thing to end the decade on either. 

What is the longest story that you have wrote this decade?  

The Poetry of Time and Space: this is a pipabeth fic with annabeth as the doctor and piper mclean as rose tyler fic that i wrote back in 2013 at the urging of my first internet friend. coming in at 27,842 words, it’s the longest fic i have ever written. 

while i wouldn’t call it some of my best work, i’m still fairly proud of the thing. writing it helped me make a friend (even if we don’t keep in touch anymore), it helped me find some cool poetry, and i did a lot of fun historical research for it! 

i learned a loooottt about the history of spain for this fic and it was really cool. 

What is the shortest?

A Good Listener coming in at 192 words, this pipabeth fic is at the polar opposite end of the spectrum. 2013 was a wild year, my dudes. 

What’s your favorite?

I think that choosing a “favorite” would probably be too hard, but the one that I come back to the most is Over the Shadowy Hills. This fic could have been just good, but my friend was like. girl. you need to sort your shit out. and then i deleted it, worked on it with her help, and fixed it into something that i can still be really proud of. I’m glad that I decided to stick with it and give this fic the time and attention that it needed. 

What story do you feel was your biggest challenge?

I don’t have a fic in particular I would say is my biggest challenge, but one challenge has been the growing pains of becoming a better writer. I’ve moved into a point where I need to tell more thorough, longer stories, but I also don’t have the time needed to do that at the moment and my desire for instant validation is fighting against my desires to not do work and be a better writer. 

I know that right now I’m growing as a writer, but I’m not exactly sure what direction I’m growing in and how to deal with it. 

Which story was your most creative?

All Katz Go to Heaven is certainly an idea that no one but me would have come up with XD the premise is “all of hannibal’s victims from the show hannibal die and are reincarnated in brooklyn 99″ 

Which story do you think demonstrates the greatest growth?

I think that Paint a New Horizon demonstrates a lot of my progress as a writer. 

1. coming in at 23k, it’s one of my longest fics ever 

2. it has some of my best visual descriptions ever, as i decided to write sansa as a painter and it make visual descriptions a FAR bigger part of the story than they normally are when i write 

3. it handles dark subject matter, but i feel like i go into well. i’ve found myself dwelling in this universe a LOT, and i think that i might actually go back and write more of it over this next semester or summer because i just. like being in it. even though it was dark, it was also homey and lively and interesting, you know? 

4. it’s the best romance i’ve written this year, hands down. 

Here, have a snippet 

She dared a glance forward and met Margaery’s eyes- a deep, chocolate brown. They were warm and inviting and Margaery’s little curly bangs framed her face like a heart. Margaery’s head went over the back of the booth and it seemed to almost be floating against the flowery wallpaper. It looked like Margaery was lying out in a field of flowers- the Maiden gazing up at the clouds and trying to make shapes of them.

She could imagine Margaery telling her that this one is a flower, like Tyrell, and this one’s a deer, like Baratheon, and this one’s a dick, like Joffrey. She giggled nervously again and felt her cheeks flush. She’d never felt this giddy and unsteady in her whole life.

“Are you alright, Sansa?” Margaery asked cautiously. She reached across the table and laid a hand over Sansa’s own. The touch was warm and tender, and Sansa felt the blush from her toes to the tip of her head.

“I’m perfect!” Sansa nearly screeched. Margaery laughed at that, but her look was kind.

“Yes, darling,” she said with a smile that was wide and fond, “I think that you are.”

Lesbian. The word wasn’t supposed to fill her with such a warm, hopeful feeling, was it? She wiggled awkwardly in her chair, trying to get situated and stop feeling so silly and excited and vulnerable, but it didn’t fix anything. She felt Margaery’s leg brush against hers under the table. It sent a jolt through her.

Lesbian.

Sansa took a shaky breath. She thought to herself that there might be something to that.

Tell us about your writing process.

my writing process is quite frankly all over the board. sometimes, i’ll sit down and just hammer out a fic start to finish in one sitting, but when i don’t do that i’ll make the thing come together in patchwork. i’ll normally start with some vivid pieces of dialogue that i want to write and then i’ll figure out where i’m going and how. often, since i write in a nonlinear fashion i might end up having to change what i’ve written for the middle or the end, but when i get there and it doesn’t feel right for what i ended up writing, i always decide that i’m better off with what feels more natural. 

Tell us about how you come up with fic titles.

I have 3 different systems for determining fic tiles 

1. come up with a cool title to write a fic around. i wrote Chasing Annabeth solely because i thought that would be badass title 

2. try to find something external to the story, like a saying, a lyric or quote, that works with the message or mood of the story. for If You Believe in Me (I’ll Still Believe), I realized that both Memoria by Nirvana and Holland Road by Mumford and Sons shared a distinct feel with what I was doing with the fic, so I went through the lines of both and identified some possible titles. 

Then, I decided that the line “if you believe in me I’ll still believe” felt the most right. I thought that it best conveyed how much Jeyne believing that Theon could become better again contributed to him actually going through with it, whereas some of the other options didn’t have either the external influence or faint hope that I felt the fic deserved. 

3. find something from the fic itself or the source material! often times, i’ll end up with a motif in the fic that makes a perfect title, or i’ll have something to draw on from the source material. this feels different from the 2nd option because whereas that first one is going outside the world of the fic, this 3rd one is going inside the world of the fic. 

Have you ever used an epigraph? Tell us about your reasoning.

I use epigraphs for the same reason that I use outside sources for fic titles. While sometimes I have that lyric or quote in mind while I am writing the fic, like Washing Machine Heart, sometimes you get to the end of writing and realize that you’ve created something that would be enhanced if you were to have your readers mulling over the theme brought up in a song while they’re reading, like Unfinished Business. 

I don’t know, these are probably the reasons that ANYONE uses epigraphs, but it’s cool to see other people’s thought process. 

What are some of your favorite lines that you’ve ever written?

Here’s a few of my favorite exchanges from my older or more underrated fics!

She swallows the spit that has started to pool in her mouth and continues, "We'll all end up dying and meeting the void face to face and blah blah fucking blah, but the thing is that's tomorrow. This is today. You remember Thalia, so she matters. And you matter because you're alive. Your heart's still beating. You can still do shit. See shit. Be the shit. Annabeth Chase, you can still do anything."

Chasing Annabeth (2013)

Annabeth tsks as she laughs, “You’ve always got to steal the attention for yourself, don’t you?”

Piper laughs and then pretends to glare, “Borrow. I borrow things.”

“Borrowing BMWs is still frowned upon, my friend,” Annabeth says and then everything is back to normal. The future is forgotten, if only for a moment in the company of a friend.

The Fates Smiled (2014) 

“I guess,” Arya mutters, and she walks straight over to the trash. She pops the lid, and dumps the enormous plastic cock unceremoniously into it. Then she lets the lid close. She and Shireen look to the trash can in horror.

“Do you think that we should burn it?” Shireen asks.

She pauses a moment before she adds, “I’m afraid it’s going to attack us in our sleep.” Arya bursts out into laughter.

“I can hear the news anchors already,” Arya says, “women murdered in sleep by haunted dildo.” The Kids Are Alright (2015) 

"I think huckleberry just came out too," Maya stage-whispers back, "two gays for the price of one."

"Bi one get one free," Riley says with a shit-eating grin 

A Guide to Coming Out (2015) 

"Do I look like a man with a plan to you?" He tries to look as crazy as he can. Rachel isn't buying it. "You impersonated a member of the mayor's honor guard, you predetermined and informed us of every victim before you killed them. You're a planner, Joker. You're even a good one." The Joker shrugs. "I'm not a schemer, though. Don't hang my hat on whether or not things work out." In that moment, Rachel understands this man. Rachel understands why he does the things that he does, even though she thinks that he's the scum of the earth. "You wanted to let us know all our plans would fall apart. You wanted chaos." "You're a smart woman, Ms. Dawes," The Joker says, cracking a smile, "you know what I did to you and your boy toy was nothing personal. It was just to turn the schemer's plans on their toes.

The City of Bats and Clowns (2016) 

Zatanna crosses her arms over her chest as she leans against Bruce’s black SUV. The “parking lot” at this camp is a glorified field of grass. It rained last night, and there are muddy ruts left all throughout the field and little muddy puddles scattered everywhere. It’s disgusting and rundown and everywhere that Zatanna doesn’t want to spend three weeks of her summer.

“I don’t want to go to this stupid camp.” Endless Summer (2017) 

Rose feels a twist in her gut. This might be worse than finding out he wanted to desert. This is knowing the reasons behind it, having to see him as human in his mistakes and understand why he made them.

Oh how heroes fall and then stumble back up again.

The Spark That Will Light the Fire (2017)

Sloth is all the memories you have and never asked for, all the feelings you don't know what to do with.

Sloth is your feelings towards two boys who aren't your sons- can't be- because you never wanted them in the first place.

You never asked for this, to be born half-formed and hungry. To be born somewhere between not caring and caring too much, to just go along with what you were told because you don't care enough not to.

You never asked for those two boys to look at you the way they do, like you're something hideous and beautiful all at once. Like you're their sin to bury, their damsel to save. All you've ever wanted is for it all to stop.

The Seven Deadly Almost People (2018) 

What are you favorite characters to write. 

I don’t really have “favorite” characters to write because I bounce around so often. I’ll have a new favorite next year, but my favorite me character that I wrote THIS year was Dabi. 

Which story was the most fun to write.

Out of all the stories I’ve written, Dicks in the Wind comes to mind as being the most fun. The soulmate au where whatever your soulmate draws on their skin appearing on yours might not be my all time favorite, but the idea of spitefully drawing dicks on your own face to spite the soulmate who hurt you while also hurting yourself is both really fun but also really interesting? I really liked getting to explore the implications of that idea, the humor, Sabine’s relationship with Kanan, and the possibility of a reconciliation between her and Ketsu. 

If you use ao3, tell us about your fics with the most

Kudos: The Matter of Soulmates 1,049

Comments: Her Heart’s Duet 63 comment threads

Hits: Golden Cages, Silver Linings 15,272 hits

Subscriptions: The Matter of Soulmates 105 subscriptions

If you could have written one story this decade that you didn’t get around to, what would this have been?

There’s lot of fics that I wish I would have gotten written this decade. I think that if I could have written ONE fic that I didn’t get around to this decade, though, I would have turned my tucker turns ed into a chimera instead of nina tumblr post into a real fic. 

Do you write original fiction as well?

Sometimes! I don’t write it as much as I’d like, but I’ve written some short stories and I have some longer wips. 

Did you ever do nanowrimo this decade? If so, tell us about your projects.

I tried nanowrimo in both 2017 and 2018. My 2017 was a story idea about magic pirates. My 2018 was a story based on a fic idea I had where ed HAD created al like al thought he did in fma 03 for a while. it would feature prominent relationships with characters inspired by winry, wrath, and lust. both of these have about 15k to their name. 

What have you learned writing in the past decade?

I’ve learned a lot about myself as a person. For better or for worse, the easiest way to get to know me would be to go through my ao3 and just start reading. 

I also feel like I’ve learned that I CAN be a writer. While I have a long way to go if I ever want to become any good at original fiction and develop a thick enough skin to get it worked up to publishing shape, I know that I have the skills to at least give it a try.  If I don’t, I’ll always have these stories that I hold closely to my heart and this hobby that’s brought me a lot of joy. 

What are your writing goals going forward?

At the moment, I’m not entirely sure. I feel a little bit like I’ve stagnated and I need to figure out a way forward, but I’m not entirely sure what that way forward IS. I think that the way forward is longer projects (maybe even more original fiction) but I’m going to need to figure out a way to not devote all my mental energy to these projects at a time and also not let them wither and die. 

In the past, I’ve only been able to do proper, well written long fics when I had a LONG time to dedicate to getting the thing done. Like, days and days off that I could devote multiple hours to the writing project. In the future, I don’t think I’ll have that. I just need to find a way to not get SO into it that I can’t do anything else, but also maintain the energy and drive to keep coming back to it. 

Tell us about what aspect of your writing makes you the most proud.

I feel like I excel at word choice. People frequently comment on my fics that there’s something about the wording that just FLOWS, and I would have to agree. I feel like I’m good at choosing words that both sound good and hit emotionally. 

Tell us anything else that you’d like! This is your reflection post, so end on whatever bang you would like!

Thank you to everyone who has supported me over these past nine years! I haven’t been on tumblr for this whole time (i’ve only been here since 2012), but i grown a lot, both as a person and a writer, over this decade.

if you had told me when i wrote my first fanfiction that by the end of the decade i would write the order of the phoenix more than 5 times over in fanfiction, i would never have believed you. 

not every fic that i wrote was fantastic, but every fic that i wrote was MINE, and it’s a memory that i get to come back to when i’m feeling sad or lonely or like i can’t do something. so, thank you fanfiction, for always being there for me. even if you might be there for me a little too much XD

#writing meme #a decade of writing in review #a decade of fanfiction #personal reflection

[litsetaure]

A new fic teaser!

Hi, guys, I’ve started another new oneshot, this time the premise is that Ariana survives the threeway duel, and Albus and Gellert manage to cure her! (I wanted to try for a happy ending!) So...here’s a teaser! Also, it doesn’t have a title yet, so suggestions are much appreciated.

~*~

Aberforth stood up, his arms folded and his eyes hard. “All right, let’s get one thing very clear. I won’t stand in the way of you being with my brother -”

“I’d love to see you try,” shot back Gellert.

“Because you did help to save my sister,” continued Aberforth as though there had been no interruption, “and, make no mistake, I will always be grateful to you, and to Albus, for that. But do not think that means I like you. At all.”

Gellert nodded. “Fine. Let us make that mutual loathing the one thing we agree on.”

Aberforth nodded. “Fine with me.” The two boys glared at each other until they were interrupted by a soft cough behind them and Albus stepped up, looking tired and a little sad.

“It’s not fine with me,” he said quietly. “I know I can’t force you to get along with each other, I know there’s a lot of anger and I can tell some of it is directed towards me as well.”

“You’re right about that,” muttered Aberforth, pretending not to notice when Gellert’s eyes narrowed at him.

Albus sighed. “Can you at least also agree not to try and harm each other? Last time nearly cost Ariana her life. I do not want a repeat of that, and I’m sure you don’t either.”

There was a short silence as the other boys considered this. Then, Gellert nodded. “I can do that,” he said, wrapping his arm protectively around Albus’ waist and brushing a kiss over his forehead. “You’re right. We can’t let that happen again. And it won’t.”

Aberforth nodded, but he was looking at Ariana, who was watching the scene closely. “I hate to agree with you, Grindelwald, but yes. I won’t fight you. But no way am I making one of those blood pact things with you to seal it.”

“I wouldn’t want to make one with you either,” replied Gellert, his hand stroking the silver chain which now rested at Albus’ neck. The metal felt cool and soothing against his skin and his heartbeat slowed down, clearing his head a little. Even now, it still frightened him just how close he had come to losing everything he had fought for. His dreams were still haunted by the memory of that terrible day when weeks of festering resentment had finally exploded in a shower curses and furious words that had almost cost Albus’ sister her life. He still replayed the visceral words Aberforth had thrown in his direction, even as he shouted that Ariana was not dead, still saw Albus, as pale and motionless as a block of marble, still flinch away when Gellert had reached out a hand to offer comfort. Even now, two months later in a peaceful Bavarian castle, he still felt that sting of rejection that still had the power to send waves of shivering panic through him.

Apparently, Albus had felt his fingers tremble around the chain, because he turned around and clasped their hands together reassuringly “It’s all right,” he whispered, kissing his cheek. “It’s over now.”

Aberforth grunted and stalked out of the room, muttering something about getting away from the lovebirds. Gellert stuck his tongue out at his retreating back, but only once he was sure Albus wouldn’t see him.

Ariana, however, did see it and rolled her eyes, but she didn’t say anything until Albus had also gone upstairs. Then, she fixed Gellert with a calm look.

“You don’t tell him,” she said. “Ever. He cannot know what really happened.”

Shock briefly flooded through Gellert before he steadied himself. “I have no intention of telling him,” he said. “We both know it would break his heart if he found out. But how did you know?”

Ariana stared at him plainly. “That doesn’t matter. All that matters is that Albus never finds out the truth. This is one secret that you have to keep from him, that we both have to keep from him. It’s for, how do you put it? The greater good.”

Gellert winced at his own words, words he had spoken many times in a different context, being thrown back at him. “I won’t tell him. But what if he finds out in some other way? He’s not stupid, Ari.”

“How could he? Aberforth doesn’t know. You and I are the only ones who do, unless you told your aunt?”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Then I don’t see a problem,” said Ariana. She patted Gellert’s hand and smiled. “Just make sure you look after him.”

“I will protect him from anything and anyone,” promised Gellert. “I love your brother, Ari. You can trust me on that.”

#grindeldore #fanfic #fic teaser

[bellamygateoldblog]

Do you think it’s worth watching The 100? I’ve been considering starting bc the premise sounds intriguing and so does grounder culture plus I’m a lesbian and clexa is lesbian culture — regardless of the merits of the ship I feel like it’s something I should experience. But now having finished the show, do you think any of it is worth watching? If you had to go back and do it again, would you? I’ve asked a couple people this bc I’m curious how much merit people think the show has despite their criticisms and bc I don’t really wanna get emotionally invested in something that won’t be at all worth it in the end. Also do you have any favorite canon divergence fics that you think fix issues with the show? I’m not against pretending fanfic is canon to make my emotional investment in the characters feel worth it lol. Sorry this is sorta like 5 questions in one oops

Okay I just sent you a really long ask about it The 100 is worth watching but I also wanted to add that while I know basically nothing about Clarke and Madi’s relationship I am intrigued by the dynamic and by Madi in general bc I ADORE parent-child relationships particularly in sci-fi shows/movies bc when they’re well written they’re absolutely fascinating. I work with young kids and I love it and I love seeing kids be happy and while I don’t mind kids having to get hurt in sci-fi stuff bc that’s the world they live in, I don’t think I could handle watching a child mainly be in pain. In general, do you think it’s a well-written character/relationship with happy moments to balance the pain?

i don’t know how you feel about spoilers so i’m avoiding being too specific at points in this answer lol.

the original premise is abandoned pretty quickly along with the delinquents HOWEVER it’s partially done in favour of turning focus onto grounder culture/grounders so if that’s the element you’re ultimately interested in then you’re golden.

would i go back and do it again? yeah i would, at least seasons 1-4. but would i ever rewatch? unlikely. it’s the show of a lot of lost potential and any affection i once had for it has since been completely soured.

i personally had a lot of trouble with this show, the weight, and it’s writing, it was exciting the first time watching and there are A LOT of pieces of it that i really love and enjoy and i'd say there's a lot of good as well as bad, i don't know if i'd recommend the show but i'd definitely say give it a try and see if it's for you. if it's not i bet someone out there has all the clexa scenes posted on yt.

if you decide to watch all the way through and don't stop 'after' clexa (come on, does it ever really end?) - 100% stop watching once you reach the end of book 1 because book 2 doesn't belong, the characters don't belong in that story, and it essentially rewrites a lot of book 1. it's certainly not what *i* signed up for. the final episode of s5 is filmed as a finale anyway so it’s completely reasonable to accept that as the ending of the show like most of us have (i’ve personally accepted both finales in different ways lol).

but here it is, madi’s story is sad. she’s suffering from start to finish, and her story ends pretty miserably. clarke hurts her in a very disturbing way herself (and they never talk about it/clarke never shows remorse or apologises for it). it’s an uncomfortable dynamic imo. i’d say it was well-written in some ways, mostly concerning clarke’s character, but not in others. like i even wrote a whole post a few days ago appreciating the writing of the parent-child writing lol. the dynamic does something interesting with clarke, but i feel like it resorts to putting madi in a proppy position for her (just like we see consistently throughout the show with other characters x clarke). but if you take my advice not to see book 2, most of her pain can be avoided.

i’m not sure what to say about a happy/sad balance, there’s a brief period at the very beginning when we’re first introduced to that dynamic where they seem to be close and happy, but it goes downhill pretty quickly, at least in how *i* interpreted their scenes. in fact madi’s happiest moments are when she’s away from clarke. i’d say it depends on what you’d consider ‘positive’ for the dynamic even if it’s not a particularly ‘happy’ moment.

being critical and really engaging with what i was seeing i think made watching more enjoyable for me but i wonder if i’d have been happier with it just approaching it like ‘no thoughts, head empty’ and avoiding interacting with the writing/out-of-universe parts at all. ultimately it’s all down to the individual and what you’re going to find entertaining, but since you asked me, just a few things to keep in mind ☺.

i’ve never read fic for t100 so i can’t recommend any but if anyone else has suggestions then absolutely comment!

#i really want to be helpful and /not/ a negative nancy but here's this 😅

[thelightofthingshopedfor]

Dear MCU AU Fest writer,

uh, obviously it took longer than it should’ve to put an actual letter here instead of a placeholder; sorry about that. :/ My letter is mostly the same as last year’s with a few changes, but especially considering it took me so long to post this, feel even more free to go with it if you’ve already had an idea that has absolutely nothing to do with any of the prompts I’ve mentioned.

Like last year’s letter, this one is long, but I promise it’s not long because I have really super specific ideas and I won’t be happy unless you follow them exactly. Not at all. Whatever you write, I’m grateful for it, I’m sure I’ll like it, and I want you to have fun with it. The tl;dr version of this letter is basically “prompts are just suggestions if you happen to like them, feel free to mix and match, please don’t write Loki as Just A Villain, if you hit a few of my general likes and avoid my general dislikes I’m sure I’ll love your fic”

Some general notes: I picked a bunch of different AU scenarios that interested me for one reason or another, and some of them ended up being paired with multiple ships or semi-randomly assigned to a particular ship. That’s because I care more about the prompts/scenarios than I do about the specific pairings—Thor & Loki gen is really my only MCU OTP (a literal broTP) and that relationship is very important to me, but beyond that I can enjoy seeing Loki paired with basically anyone in either a gen or romantic way as long as it makes sense in context. So, if one of the specific prompts or AU scenarios I listed interests you for a different ship, please feel free to mix and match—especially because I kind of ran out of the will to retype all the scenarios that interested me into each of my pairing requests, so in a lot of cases the pairing/AU combinations in my sign-up are almost totally random. Unless otherwise noted, these pairings and AU scenarios interest me in general, not just in the specific combinations listed, so basically, do what you want with them. This also goes for / vs & pairings—if I’ve asked for one and you’d rather write the other (i.e., you want to write Loki/Steve, or Loki & Darcy gen), go right ahead. The only real exception here is Thor/Loki, which I don’t want unless they were not raised as brothers. Incest/pseudo-incest squicks me out, sorry.

A note about Loki: I’m sure you’ve noticed that all these pairings and many of the AU scenarios include Loki. He’s one of my absolute favorite characters and I care more about him than I do anyone else in the MCU, and I also care a lot about his relationship with Thor. As you can probably tell from the Loki fics I’ve written and my Loki tag, I only read/write Loki fics with redemption arcs and/or sympathetic interpretations (until proven otherwise, I will believe that Thanos at least coerced him into attacking Earth, for instance), so if you absolutely hate the idea of writing Loki as anything but a straightforward villain…you should probably ask to be reassigned. This should be fun for both of us!

General stuff I like: I love Loki whump so feel free to beat him up to your heart’s content, physically and emotionally; however, I also need an ultimately happy/hopeful ending (make the characters work really hard for their happy ending! But give them one). But seriously, hurt/comfort is my jam. Thor & Loki’s relationship is very important and that should be reflected regardless of focus pairing, even if it’s just in a background way; family reconciliation is especially good. I’m asexual so an ace Loki (or ace anyone, honestly) could be cool. Genderfluid Loki is also interesting. Dealing with Loki’s depression and internalized racism would be awesome. Frigga is HBIC and I like AUs where she isn’t fridged for manpain. In general, ladies are great and MCU ladies are super great, so no matter the relationship you write, please involve some awesome ladies (this post is a good guideline), and please don’t erase anybody (for instance, if you pick Steve/Loki, Peggy is still very important). Other things: Characters working toward healthy relationships (romantic/sexual or gen). Angst. Family stuff (characters dealing with the fallout of coming from fucked-up families are great; found families are great, especially when combined with the former; traditional families are great, especially sibling relationships). Self-sacrifice, but without actual permanent character death (my go-to example here is Harry in Deathly Hallows—he went knowingly to his death and was absolutely certain he was going to die but didn’t actually die for plot reasons). Loki figuring out his own ways to be good/worthy (I like Loki being able to lift Mjolnir, but I also like Loki realizing he doesn’t have to be able to lift Mjolnir). Characters saving and taking care of each other, in their own ways, not just one saving the other. Steve being progressive, because he doesn’t like bullies, dammit. Also a really specific, silly thing I’d love to see: I love the McElroy brothers and if you happen to love them too, I would be super tickled to see somebody take their sibling dynamic and use it to inform Thor and Loki’s. Somehow. (I said it was silly.)

General stuff I don’t like: Incest or pseudo-incest (specifically, Thor/Loki unless it’s an AU where they weren’t raised as brothers; I’d be a lot more okay with, say, Gamora/Nebula, because their situation was weird to begin with and they never had reason to believe they were related). Abuse, dubcon, non-con, general unresolved fucked-upness in the primary supposed-to-be-healthy relationship (so, for instance, if the story involved Loki being tortured and/or raped during captivity with Thanos, I’d be okay with that, but not with unaddressed consent issues going either way in a Steve/Loki situation). PWP. I wouldn’t say explicit sex in general is a squick but I’m ace and I just really, really do not care about those scenes, so like…don’t waste your time? I’m totally fine with characters being sexual and having sex, especially if the focus of a sex scene is on emotion, I just have no interest in porn or in the specifics of anyone’s genitals. Major character death (temporary death of major characters is fine; characters dealing with a death that happened in canon is fine, although I also like fix-its; ancillary character death is probably okay). Unhappy endings in general. Infidelity (if you want to write a ship that involves breaking up a canon pairing, like Jane/Loki, just treat everyone fairly).

If you have specific questions that I somehow didn’t address, @erlkonigstochter would be a good person to ask because she’s had to put up with a lot of my Loki rambling and has a pretty good idea of the kinds of things I would and wouldn’t like.

General notes on some pairings/scenarios:

Loki wins in The Avengers: As I’ve emphasized, I’m convinced Loki was coerced (to one degree or another) into leading the invasion, so by “Loki wins” I pretty much mean “the invasion is successful and things get terrible in probably apocalyptic fashion for everyone, including Loki the second Thanos no longer finds him useful as a puppet, which is likely to happen pretty quickly”. I listed this under Loki & Gamora because I could see them working together to defeat Thanos once Loki’s been put back in captivity or whatever, but this general premise could work with any of my pairings, probably in a general “post-apocalyptic survival” and/or “character(s) taken prisoner” context.

Time loop/Groundhog Day: I don’t have any specific ideas for this; I just think it’s an interesting fic concept that could work with any pairing. Something kind of like BigSciencyBrain’s Refuge series but with an ultimately happy ending would be cool. Also, I mean, I will never say no to something that involves Loki being forced to suffer through dying over and over again.

Pacific Rim: I’m mainly just interested in this if Thor and Loki are drift compatible but Loki doesn’t really want to do it because he’s afraid Thor will see Too Much. This one might work better less as an actual crossover and more as transplanting the basic drift-compatible idea into something that makes sense in the context of the MCU, but that’s totally up to you.

Prisoner(s) of evil SHIELD: could be actual legit SHIELD, could be HYDRA within/masquerading as SHIELD, some other organization pretending to be SHIELD, whatever makes the most sense

Wanda & Loki: I kind of think canonically the Maximoffs weren’t completely willing or informed participants—like, they were angry and desperate and probably didn’t know about HYDRA’s involvement, because come on—so you could go with that or make them even more unwilling. Combining this with Loki as a test subject/prisoner of HYDRA (being used along with or instead of the scepter to unlock the Maximoffs’ powers?) could be cool, and/or with Wanda (in any context) getting visions or something of Loki’s time in the void as a side effect of having the scepter used on her. So, something with them teaming up to escape HYDRA might be fun. Also, please feel free to bring back stuff about the Maximoffs’ Jewish/Romani heritage (maybe not Magneto specifically because the various Marvel franchises aren’t necessarily compatible, but otherwise), because fuck whitewashing.

Specific prompt ideas (again, really feel free to disregard, modify, mix components, etc. if you have other ideas; these are just suggestions of a few ways these scenarios could go, so like if you have a “Loki fell to Earth” idea that has nothing to do with what’s listed here, that is totally fine, please go with whatever interests you the most; if you would prefer you can ignore this entire long-ass section—or, hell, tuck one of these prompts away for your own use at some point, although in that case I’d still be interested in seeing what you wrote):

Role reversal: I got interested in this idea in the context of Thor & Loki after seeing this picture (my commentary is in the tags); this fic expands on it in a really interesting way

Thor fell with Loki: I like Lady Charity’s ideas about this, as well as Lizardbeth’s.

Aether infected different character/worked differently: A couple different ideas here. Jane could learn to control aether and keep it, either temporarily or permanently, because she deserved better than being a damsel in distress for the bulk of TDW. Probably this would involve Loki’s help, because magic but also because if you add on the idea that Loki was under some form of compulsion from the scepter and/or tesseract in Avengers but managed to sabotage his own invasion anyway, that means he already has a bit of experience working with and subverting Infinity Gems. Different idea: Loki was infected and sickened by the aether instead, and kidnapped by Malekith to be used somehow. Lady Charity also started a fic with this premise a couple years ago and it was great.

Portal fusion: Alternate universes are marginal Portal canon (so is time travel, I guess?), so this could take place at practically any point in MCU or Portal canon and drastically change things. Mostly what I’d love to see is Loki, at some point in his timeline (having him fall to Earth near Aperature Laboratories would make sense, but really it could be made to work at any point), being used as an Aperture test subject, facing off against GLaDOS, and teaming up with a human test subject (maybe Chell, or Steve, Jane, Wanda, Darcy) to escape, thereby learning that at least some humans are much more worthy of respect than he thinks. The potential for snark-offs between GLaDOS and Loki would be amazing, but also she would probably have a lot of nasty things to say about him being adopted, and that could be great too. However Loki ends up at Aperture, his magic would probably be bound/crippled but he’d still be very durable, so he would have an easier time surviving than many of the other test subjects, and GLaDOS and/or actual Aperture scientists would be pretty interested in him.

Loki fell to Earth (or a different scenario, whatever works): There are loads of fics where Loki is on Earth after Thor (or even one of the other movies) and not doing any harm but is terrified of Thor hunting him down to drag him back to Asgard or even kill him, because obviously Thor hates him for being a Jotun if for no other reason, and of course when Thor does find him there’s a lot more “oh my god you’re okay, I mean also what the hell Loki but oh my god you’re okay, let me hug you” than actual fighting. I like these and I’ve written these. What if it did turn out the way Loki expects, with Thor crashing in to subdue him—but still in a way where Thor isn’t actually the bad guy? Heimdall or Odin probably would have to be malicious to make this work (even if it’s for theoretically good reasons, like “sure Loki’s not doing any harm right now, but he’s clearly dangerous and we need to get him back for everyone’s safety and Asgard’s general security, and Thor won’t go along with that unless he’s convinced Loki really is dangerous”), because Thor’s learned enough that he probably wouldn’t just charge in rather than talking to Loki first unless he was sure that trying to talk to Loki would just put people in danger. For his part, Loki wouldn’t want to be taken prisoner but also could be worried about collateral damage (might have ended up in some situation where he’s explicitly the protector of a group of people, which Heimdall/Odin interprets—accidentally or deliberately—as him having them under thrall, and it would especially look like that if anybody tries to defend Loki), so he would fight back probably a lot like a scared, cornered animal, giving Thor more reason to think he’s up to no good and to get even more serious about defeating him.

Frigga lives / Frigga ruled during Odinsleep: In general I will always be happy if Frigga lives, but a specific AU might be for Odin to get killed in the Dark Elves’ attack instead of Frigga, at which point she takes the throne because yeah no Thor still isn’t ready to rule. Having her rule during the Odinsleep in the first movie rather than Loki could similarly create massive changes.

Loki banished with/instead of Thor: one possible approach is based on a Norsekink prompt. Odin figures out that Loki’s to blame for the whole mess but doesn’t stop to wonder why he did it and banishes Loki instead, maybe without a built-in way of getting home like Thor had. He’s stuck on Earth, mortal, terrified, blocked from his magic, but Jane & co. take him in and he starts figuring out some cool stuff about the intersection of science and magic, probably. His knowledge dramatically accelerates Jane’s project, catching the attention of SHIELD or some even less-friendly organization, and they’re all forced to do dangerous work with the tesseract or something similar. In general, I’d be down for any variation of “Loki being banished leads to bad stuff happening to him,” because if he’s mortal and his magic is gone, that means he’s lost a lot of what he always used to protect himself (still pretty strong for a human, maybe, but not like Thor, who is still unusually strong as a mortal), and enemies—of Asgard or of Loki specifically, or people from SHIELD/HYDRA when they learn about his Tesseract knowledge—could take advantage of his relative weakness to capture him and make him do what they want (like dangerous, damaging stuff with the Tesseract). This general concept could also work well with Loki & Steve. Loki and Thor being banished together would also be cool. Awkward road trip time!

Trip to Jotunheim went differently: One possibility is this prompt I posted on Tumblr

Fairy tale: This picture is not actually of Loki but it sure looks like it, and it made me want an “East of the Sun, West of the Moon” retelling with Loki as the monster. I mean, he comes from a cold place, he has another form he considers monstrous, it’s perfect. This could be in the context of him growing up on Jotunheim, hiding on Jotunheim after any of the movies instead of what he canonically did, learning of his adoption earlier and going into hiding, or something else. It would also work with any of the pairings I listed.

Fury Road fusion: Could be the general premise of the movie transplanted into an MCU context, could be MCU characters transplanted into Mad Max (or similar) context, could be an AU that turns the MCU into a context like the Mad Max world or puts the characters on a planet where things already are that way. In any case, Thanos could easily take Immortan Joe’s role, with Gamora in a Furiosa-like role (or Natasha or Sif, although the canonical context of Gamora’s relationship with Thanos is closer already), maybe Nebula as Nux, and Loki as…I dunno, sort of some combination of Max and the wives maybe (in addition to other characters). This could be done with any of my listed pairings.

Avenger Loki: Honestly this is one of my favorite things, regardless of when or how it happens.

Thor fell instead of Loki: I nominated this because it occurred to me that it could be a really interesting concept, especially because Loki would be forced to deal with things in a very different way than in canon, and because he could end up going after Thor, either trying to find him in the Void or having to stop him once Thanos sends Thor to fetch the Tesseract. Guilt-stricken Loki frantic to fix something that was never supposed to happen could be very, very fun. Not fun for Loki or Thor, obviously, but. You know.

#MCU AU fest #author letters #dear author letters #I don't remember which tag I used