#also happy birthday to dr piss or whatever the show that also has a birthday today is called idk i didn't watch it i'm too pretty

[yesokayiknow]

happy birthday to the worst girl in the universe (23 november 1986 - 2016 (eventually))

#clara oswald #doctor who #no i did not use a single screen cap from s7 ❤️ #also happy birthday to dr piss or whatever the show that also has a birthday today is called idk i didn't watch it i'm too pretty #also also we don't have any concrete evidence to when face the raven is set but whatever it was around that time #alsox3 they're in chronological order bc i'm unwell. thanks #tumblr user pronouncingitwang wrote the image ids btw i just copied them into the alt text (w their permission) #text post meme

[slayernina]

Stranger Things Trailer Analysis (I)

Fucking finally

Remember I have a Tumblr with leaks and spoilers. Ohhhh so much to unpack here.

My other metas here

La maldición de las cuatro brujas here

Buy me a ko-fi!

We opens with the Big Bad chewing about how Eleven fucked everything at the end of season 3 (that's the thing the Russians were doing under the mall). The frames remind the scene at the end of season 2 in which Goth!Eleven closes the Gate.

Apparently, the clock is how Vecna attacks: people see it and bad things happens.

Given the track of the actor on Instagram, hello Jamie Campbell Bower aka Peter Ballard aka 001 in prostetics.

Max reading a letter to Billy (surely Mrs Kelley told her to do it as a way to cope). Funny thing how in the tombstone it's written "Billy" instead of William (more on that later). The short name was really Billy's birthname? (How Neil allowed that lol). Since Billy never got his wishes, this his how he wanted to be remembered and his only way to get away with something (like "it's not Maxine, it's Max")? The FX team thought the Audience is stupid and wouldn't get who was dead there? Who knows. Also, congratulations to all fanfic writers that somehow figured Billy's birthday at the end of March. This confirms he is one year younger than Steve, same age as Nancy and one year older than Robin. Max's clothes pinpoints the visit to Creel's House (at least one of them) in episode 4x04.

Chrissy/Molly/Whatever name Jason's girlfriend has is murdered at the trailer park, apparently because she was buying drugs. This same trailer reveals she was murdered by Vecna.

Robin is wearing what she was wearing before going to Pennhurst undercover with Nancy, so this scene of the Scoops Troop watching something horrible (probably something at the forest) was just before or after Ronance's meeting with Victor Creel.

Lucas at the basket match. Other of the stills shows Lucas yelling at them (other leaks show Mike and Dustin arriving late to high school), so probably he was pissed off his friends weren't on time for his great moment. The clothes pins this scene in episode 4x01.

Dustin and Mike aren't super excited. It's cut, but the promo stills shows Max was sit next to Mike.

Eleven, Will and Jonathan with Argyle. This scene is from the California teaser, confirming Argyle drove them to high school.

Max watching Creel's aka Vecna's clock. Two options, the scene is were she is dragged by Vecna, or she was already in a coma and is wandering around.

Russians building the train.

After the shot of the spiky wall, Hopper seems to be flashbacking to Vietnam, his childhood or something horrible.

Mileven with Will at the roller rink. Yep. Will doesn't seems happy that in his birthday the other two are having a date. Moments before Eleven's Carrie moment.

The stills reveals Joyce working as a telemarketer (lol). She receives something from Russia (surely from Yuri).

Mike, Jonathan and Will. According to the trailer, turns out this was after letting Eleven go with Dr Owens, but it's not the scene in which they are attacked by the gov/Brenner, so the trailer hints she was taken by Owens willingly, then captured by the others, and after that Pizza Party is attacked.

It seems the helicopter picks up Joyce and Murray (probably to send them to Russia).

Creel's house scenes from the teaser. The lights flickering guide the characters to the portal to Vecna's Lair (that white rope).

Eleven with Owens at the dinner. He asked for her help.

Mileven separated.

The dinner with Owens.

Demobats at Creel's house in the Upside Down (yeah!).

Steve and Nancy entering to Vecna's Lair through the white rope at Creel's House. Steve was already attacked under water.

Eddie guiding the group through the trailer park. Oh, I wish the theory Eddie is evil in the end because he is possessed by Vecna/Vecna's creation is true lol. That's suspicious.

Hopper being tortured.

Russians are into Gladiator. Dmitri is at the front.

Max going into a coma after being attacked at Vecna's Lair. I didn't expect this happens so soon, I thought it would be at the end of the season. So she is resurrected soon, or she will be wandering around through Vecna's and the Upside Down and helping the other. Or maybe is all a Max rescue mission after episode 4x04. Or maybe a mix of everything.

Eddie is giving me serious Xellos/Nanno vibes lol. It's interesting his tattoo at his forearm, at this point, the only characters shown with that tattoo were Brenner's children.

Deaged CGI Eleven. They put the face of Millie in that young actress doing labelled young Eleven. Better than Leia, though. Yep, it seems this is how she escaped from the lab on season 1.

Erica into Creel's house. My personal theory: Scoops Troops + additions went to Creel's house, someone called her for help, she went there.

Steve's being attacked underwater at the forest.

Max getting attacked by Vecna while she was with the others in Vecna's Lair. She's pulling a mental Billy there.

So... Eleven was with Owens, she got captured (or betrayed), Brenner's/lab men got her and shave her, she gets her powers back. Still no clue about the foot of the lady shown in the California teaser, she was supposed to be the reason why Eleven changes from Owens hands to the enemy (I repeat: I love the Tumblr theory of Billy's mom involved, that would explain her face of horror). Other possibilities than random lady are Eleven's mom or aunt, or Ressurrected!Connie Frazier.

Steve's at the upside down fighting things.

Eddie pulling of an epic guitar solo (a Metal Bard!). It seems Dustin gave him the idea to mess with the demobats or whatever they are fighting.

The rumour about Victor Creel gouging his eyes out after killing his family under Vecna's influence are true. I didn't expect they revealed him like that in the trailer, though.

Murray and Joyce arriving to Russia.

Dustin in the Upside Down, the same scene with guitar hero Eddie.

Surely Hopper set that thing on fire with the flamethrower of the teaser.

Eleven getting rejected by Vecna? She is wearing the clothes from the Owen's conversation.

The moment in which Steve is getting injured by Vecna and pulled of from his Lair to the Upside Down? Corpse Billy to scare Max? Who knows?

Vecna attacking Chrissy/Molly/Whatever name Jason's girlfriend has.

Karen Wheeler with Holly.

Distressed Lucas. He seems to be watching Max attacked (or a corpse at Creel's house). Not sure about the logistic of this (Lucas body is at Creel's house, his mind in the graveyard?)

Military Teens. For the clothes, this is part from Volume 2, maybe the battle at Hawkins.

Vecna pulling another impaled Billy. With the pose and the half mullet, I wonder using his image/corrupted corpse how he was created. Yep, it seems that's the moment he attacks Max.

The prostetics team deserve an award for this.

#stranger things 4 #stranger things #stranger things trailer #stranger things spoilers #slayernina writes stuff

[wsgeon]

hey everyone! ummm this is peyton (also the mun of lee hyeon) taking a second shot at a second character — i have a lot of muse for this one, so i swear he’ll be around for a while… 🥵 this is ryu geon, yes his name rhymes with hyeon’s & no i do not care ♥️ he’s the lead guitarist/vocalist of meta and also the son of a former nobody rockstar, but i’ll get into all that below! like this post if you’d like for me to come into your ims to plot, click the read more for more info on geon, and/or click here to be taken to his pages: CAREER, DOSSIER, PINTEREST.

HISTORY.

born in autumn ‘97 to a “budding rockstar” (translation: “no yeah i swear our band’s really starting to take off, we sold twenty-three tickets to our last show!”) & a woman with commitment issues ♥️ geon’s dad always told him that his mom left because she had some dire matters that needed to be taken care of and SWORE that she cried the last time she held her dear baby boy, but all of his dad’s bandmates say that she was just some groupie and had to be persuaded into carrying her child to term… who can say for sure?

naturally, there are no pictures of this mystery woman. there was one (1) of her holding infant geon, but then he found out that that was actually a sound tech who worked for his dad’s band… and he just never corrected geon’s assumptions LOLLLL

anyway! he was always really close to his dad, considering they were a two-person family. he has a set of grandparents, an aunt and a couple cousins but they were never involved with geon’s life because his dad is the #blacksheep of the family. geon and his dad against the world, am i right?

uhhh geon was also kind of a black sheep growing up, but he didn’t really notice? he was a happy kid, very energetic and enthusiastic. a lot of adults in the area looked down on him & his dad, but he was SOOOO blind to it because his dad’s a god in his eyes and HE’S always been nice to everyone, so why would they not like him??? because his clothes smelled a little like dad’s cigarette smoke??? big deal

wasn’t troublesome (beyond talking too much), but a lot of people still expected bad things from him :/ “his father’s a dirtbag, i’ll be surprised if that boy doesn’t end up in jail by 20”, “he won’t amount to anything without a proper role model in his life”, “his dad is teaching him how to slack off”, “he won’t contribute anything to society”, etc. he kindaaa picked up on this as he got older but pretended not to because it was more rewarding to play dumb and keep being a good kid(tm) to prove them wrong

was basically a mini version of his dad. same style, similar features, birthmarks in the same places, same “live today, die tomorrow” approach in life, same affinity for singing & playing rock music. ummm he loved his dad a lot. a lot. a lot. wanted to make him proud SO BAD, started his first band when he was 15 and they sucked so bad but his dad was their biggest fan… you know how it is. a lot of people misunderstood him, but he was a very good guy and such a great parent

TW DEATH unfortunately he passed away just shy of geon’s 18th birthday and your boy still hasn’t forgiven the world for taking his dad when he was in the middle of his angsty teen phase — had he known that their time together was dwindling, he would’ve been so so so much better to him END TW

his dad’s band actually rocketed into the charts after he passed & suddenly they were getting loads of publicity, lots of “what a shame that he went under-appreciated” which pissed geon off SOOOO bad because why couldn’t they have had that energy when he was still alive? he’s still mad about it five/six years later

this is getting kinda long, so uhhh tl;dr, he ended up staying with the drummer of his dad’s band until he was old enough to live alone/READY to live alone, but he changed quite a bit. was really going through it, quit his band, stopped putting effort into school. barely graduated. went from being a social butterfly spending every weekend at a gig or with friends to spending all of his time on a pc or in front of a tv, playing console games. the internet comforted him when nobody else would/could and then he met the future members of meta <33333333 #newbeginnings

present day geon is still struggling, has to go to counseling bi-weekly but he’s coming back out of his shell! he wants to fall in love with life again, just wants to tread carefully... outgoing & will talk to absolutely anyone, but he still spends most of his time alone. hard to reach by text, so if you wanna talk to him, you better call/facetime LMAO. talks a mile a minute, especially if you get him going abt something he really likes. laughs a lot, smiles a lot, more habitual than actual signs of happiness but yk. ummm he has a really loud voice, mostly controlled nowadays but he still gets carried away sometimes. an absolute menace during long drives/flights, sorry meta.

funny but only when he’s in large groups. feeds off of other peoples’ energy, really good at reading a room and breaking the ice/making everyone comfortable, but if you meet him 1-on-1, none of his jokes land quite the same.

i envision him as being the kind of guy who carries himself in such a way that you’d assume he’s really popular/out of reach/maybe even full of himself, but he’s... not like that... at all... in fact, he’s kinda irritating when you get to know him. the personification of a flood followed by a drought and vice versa, always either too much or not enough. gets used/ghosted/dropped/dumped/whatever a lot because he’s soooo fun in the moment (if he isn’t in his feelings), but draining long-term.

really emotionally intelligent, in touch with his feelings in a way that a lot of people never thought he would be (probably thanks to counseling tbh). he’s very very rarely the type of person who will make you wonder what your place in his life is — he’s communicative, kind, honest. ummm he thinks that intimacy between friends needs to be more common, so he’s really affectionate with the people in his life. type of guy to tell you he loves you every chance he gets (calling you when he’s drunk, sounding like a clingy ex type beat) & greet you/depart with a hug. losing his dad kinda fucked him up in the way that he won’t leave/hang up until his friends say “i love you” back, gets kinda (re: very) upset if he’s denied that and/or a hug.

TRIVIA.

has been playing the guitar “longer than he’s been walking” (not really, but he swears it’s true).

uhhh he really likes nail art, but he’s kinda hesitant in what he tries? mainly sticks to black polish (or other plain colors), but sometimes he’ll get little designs added in as well. mainly does it himself because he still doesn’t feel comfortable in salons... if his work looks bad, leave him alone <3 he’s trying

inspired by people like kurt cobain, nicky wire, yungblud, billie joe armstrong & damiano david in the fact that he’s not against wearing dresses or skirts on stage. doesn’t do it ALL the time, but often enough that it doesn’t go unnoticed. some people say that he does it for attention because he doesn’t dress like that elsewhere and tbh they’re probably kinda right

interested in history (only SOME... dinosaurs, ancient civilizations, specialized areas like the history of circuses/clowns/skateboarding/punk, stuff like that yk), stand-up comedy & documentaries. could spend a whole day watching documentaries and would say he had fun, has a lot of useless knowledge that nobody gives a fuck about and is kinda dumb when it comes to things that matter

when it comes to music, he prefers playing really fast and heavy rock or punk over anything else, but he actually listens to a lot more soft indie on his own time... he’s too tense these days to be listening to anything else RIPPP

the vibe: homemade tie-dye, ripped slipknot t-shirts, frosted tips, neon crocs with alien & peace-sign charms, chipped black nail polish, calloused hands, cheesy pick-up lines used NOT to land a date but to pull a smile, driving until he’s lost, stupid socks paired with pressed suits, dramatic poetry in an iphone note, etc. 

PLOT IDEAS.

people he met through online support groups about coping with grief

uhhh an on & off relationship that’s been going for who-knows-how-long. the reason for this is up for discussion, but i imagine that he hasn’t given up yet because the constant highs and lows are a good source of inspo 🤪 artists must suffer for their art!

opposite side of the coin — someone he’s interested in, but he’s NOT disloyal so it’s a pattern of persistent courting when he’s single vs intense friend-zoning when he’s not and they’re getting tired of trying to figure out what he wants from them

someone else who likes nail art & can convince him that NOBODY cares if he goes to a salon

someone (probably female but doesn’t really matter tbh) who feels like his feminism is entirely performative… maybe they attack him directly for it or maybe they just REALLY don’t like him and they’re super vague about it idk. either way, please tell him that activism is much more than recommending one female artist a year and saying “clothes have no gender 🤪” so he can be praised for the bare minimum (his heart is in the right place but his skull is empty)

someone super introverted who comes out of their shell with geon! uhhh maybe they think that he’s the one doing them a favor, but in reality spending time with them has been doing wonders for his mental health

other people who like to skate. let’s congregate at the local skatepark and scare the middle schoolers away

someone who inspires him musically, for whatever reason. lots of late nights in studios, idly strumming his guitar and writing lyrics that definitely aren’t about how their eyes look in these dim lights… umm maybe he thinks he has a crush on them but really doesn’t and ends up hurting them eventually, maybe he really DOES have a crush but will (probably) never do anything abt it or maybe it’s entirely platonic and he just admires them a ridiculous amount

someone who likes to make music as a hobby, prob won’t publish/release any of it but it’s fun to imagine. spontaneous meetings with geon in the middle of the night, recording songs together and keeping the WORST takes for the laughs. there’s probably a diss-track of them going in on each other floating around somewhere even though geon can’t rap for shit

night owls who keep him company on the phone, even if they can’t be there physically. them talking really quietly vs geon shouting at them while he plays games LMAO

gaming buddies. come over, maybe you can carry geon through his game of the week or you can both fail but have fun while you’re at it… or you can scream while he fends off that hoard of zombies behind you

i’m typing this at the last minute (literally) so i’m gonna stop here, but i will get a proper plots page put up asap with a wider variety of connections!!! but as always, please do let me know if you have any other ideas. i’m always happy to plot and write with you all 🌚

#ws:intro #frankly my characters end up a lil different from intended 90% of the time soooo take my description of his personality w a grain of salt #this intro is long and illiterate but i'll fix it at a later time

[pickledchickenetti]

Without a Crystal Ball’s alleged Derick Dillard interview

I don’t know how trustworthy I consider this woman given her claims of interviews often seem to back out of appearing on camera at the last minute, but here’s a recap of what she claims she’s been told by Derick. Sorry for the length and the change of tense midway through. This video is mind-numbing.

She claims she wanted to be able to do this with Derick speaking himself but instead she’s going to summarize their conversations via email and Twitter DMs. She reached out to Derick in response to comments he made in Dec/Jan about Counting On and JB/the Duggars. She plugs her earlier video talking about his tweets, then summarizes the events since Joshgate 1.0. 

Her summary of Joshgate 1.0 honestly made me pretty uncomfortable. She tiptoes around the subject of what happened, and almost seems like she things the Duggars were victimized by In Touch getting them cancelled. She uses this to pivot to Jill being a victim (of In Touch, she says she was a “target” of Josh), and talks about the Megyn Kelly interview, calling it “awkward”. According to “Derick”, while 19 Kids and Counting ceased, the contract with Jim Bob did not stop or change. Then she explains what Counting On is, and repeats Derick’s claim from twitter that they were never paid. She makes it sound like their wedding and Israel’s birth were part of the show in which “their names were part of the title”, even though in reality those events were both part of 19KAC. She repeats his twitter claims that JB was the only one getting paid and told them they had donated their time to part of the “mission work” of the family.

She talks about Israel’s birth and repeats Derick’s since-deleted tweets about TLC refusing to pay any of the hospital costs. She continues to muddy the timeline, making it sound like Israel’s birth special was a part of Jill & Jessa: Counting On. Then she reiterates how Derick’s story has never changed over the years, which is blatantly false considering how many times he has contradicted himself in the same month even. 

Then she moves on to comments Derick has made on instagram (so far I haven’t heard this woman say anything that we haven’t already seen on social media or reasonably extrapolated). She says that “Derick” said that “Jill had not wanted to film Counting On after the release of the information that had identified her as one of her brother’s victims. He said that she was forced to film by the threat or under the guise of legal action, that she was required by a contract to film.” Finally, as he said on twitter, they decided that filming was too hard on them and they decided not to continue. 

Now she appears to actually be pulling up the “messages” from Derick, so I guess all of that was acting like she was saying something new when she wasn’t. I don’t like this woman’s video style at all. 

She asked Derick what are some of the misconceptions “that the family, or the public, I’d say the public has about him”. “He got really candid here. He said when it comes to modesty, which is a big part of the Duggars’ show about how women wear skirts, they have long hair, and making sure that they dress without showing a lot of skin... He wrote, ‘I don’t think it’s wrong for girls to wear pants, get piercings, or have short hair. I will encourage my kids, girls or boys, to identify their passions and pursue them even if that requires higher education.’ 

He said one of the most prevailing misconceptions about him is that he does not like individuals that are in the LGBTQ+. He said ‘Regarding those misconceptions I love all people, including LGBTQ+. My little brother, our fraternity, in our fraternity in college, he is gay. And I still continue to keep up with him, and he is my friend. He’s also publicly noted on twitter, at the same time, that he does like all people, and he does not discriminate. Although he has made tweets in the past about Jazz that has prompted so much of that response by the public. 

Then one of the other misconceptions is that Derick and Jill are against drinking because Jim and Michelle do not drink. He said, on alcohol, he said, ‘I don’t think it’s a sin to drink alcohol, but it’s still illegal under the age of 21, so I will always encourage my kids not to break the law, and they will have to decide where they stand on it after that. However I don’t believe it’s appropriate to drink to drunkenness. The Bible is pretty clear about that.’ But when I asked him, does that mean you have consumed alcohol, he said, ‘I have.’ He didn’t say whether or not Jill has, and I would say, based on the fact that he did not answer, I’m guessing Jill might have not...” 

Then she shifted to briefly explaining IBLP, which has “questionable teachings” and a homeschool curriculum. She says that Bill Gothard “is not a God, but he claims to be one on TV.” (Can anyone else fact check this? I’ve never even seen him on TV yet alone claiming he’s a god.) She talks about his lawsuit for “a variety of inappropriate conduct” and how that resulted in him being forced out of IBLP. She asked Derick about IBLP and he said he didn’t know much about them but that they teach extra-biblical precepts as truth and he considers that harmful. His example of them being wrong was modesty. Allegedly “Derick” said, “Some stuff with the ILBP [sic] is definitely harmful, but we don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater. The Bible is our ultimate authority. God’s word has been around infinitely longer than Bill Gothard and God isn’t worried about needing defense. What people need to realize is that times change but God doesn’t.” He says it’s okay to “be relevant” in somethings while maintaining your faith. He allegedly says that IBLP has too many rules and too many rules are unhealthy. She then literally says that “now we know” that Derick and his family aren’t following IBLP and “there’s some tea”, as if anyone assumed that Jill Dillard with her shorts and nose ring was still a member of IBLP. 

Onto public school and Israel’s enrollment. “Derick” claims they considered both public and homeschooling and there was no specific reason they picked public school, just what felt right. 

Next, courting, where she says Derick continued with the party line that they chose not to hold hands, hug, etc. on their own, not because of Duggar rules. She acknowledges the possibility that Jill didn’t decide those things, they were just “indoctrinated into her”, but she didn’t get into that with Derick.

“Now to the juicy stuff that all of you guys are here for.” I literally can’t stand this woman and for whatever reason her saying that just pissed me off more. 

She didn’t discuss any of the Jazz stuff with him, but she let him know that “someone” made her video with Amy come down. (Not sure how these things are supposed to be related?) She asked if this was something Derick had experienced, with threats of being sued. She says that Derick said he wished Amy could speak to what she wants to, but “Amy is controlled by other people, and we weren’t even allowed to be the first to announce our own life events. Our marriage, expecting our baby, our genders of our children, our births, not by our own choice.” Apparently that gives this woman “a lot of insight”, but I’m not really sure what she thinks it gave her insight on. Obviously all of these people are under contracts and have no control. She says that “Derick” said if he had to do it all over again he’d have made his own announcements even if he’d have gotten in trouble. She says that Derick that plugged his blog and said that more info will come out over time as he “feels more comfortable”, but that they’re still recovering over the last few years and that Jill is still in the middle of a lawsuit over releasing info to InTouch. 

“Now to get to the estrangement,” she asked him what made him finally speak out about it. She says the Duggars are following her channel but when SHE mentioned that they weren’t interacting much with the Dillards they “suddenly” wished Derick a happy birthday. (Literally everyone was commenting on that and you can’t “suddenly” wish someone a happy birthday.) She thinks her video made them invite Jinger to that Panera and Target day the day before because she said something about it and also Homeland Security is investigating Josh. (Also Derick announced that they weren’t allowed at the house.) “Derick” says it’s not true that they don’t want to be around Jill’s family at all but there are some people they don’t get along with or feel comfortable around. Supposedly he commented because he didn’t want rumors to be taken as truth. 

Now she’s circling back to Jill being “forced” to film. “Derick” says they’ve been seeing a licensed counselor and it helps. The book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and their counseling have both really helped. Then she repeats a bunch of her earlier opinions. She says that she things Joshgate 1.0 was the fault of JB and Michelle, not the police, and that a lot of people have let Jill down. 

Apparently she and Derick then touched on his “advocacy for children” but he’d go more into that later. She mentions he’s in law school but that he wouldn’t say why. She thinks it’s in it to protect others. 

“Finally” she asked “Derick” how they plan to raise their children differently. “Derick” said, “Neither of us are bitter about how we were raised.” Now she’s recapping much of what she already said once again. She says that “Derick has been pretty vocal that they do use birth control,” which he really has not at all been. He’s made like maybe two vague comments possibly suggesting that? More recapping of what she already said, with a bit more of her opinions of what she thinks they want even though supposedly Derick answered her questions. She (or “Derick”, she’s starting to blur lines here) says it’s important not trust social media as the only thing you know about someone as it isn’t always 100% accurate. 

Now she’s plugging their blog and social media. She’s thanking Derick for his candor and trust and she looks forward to hearing from him again in the future. 

Good God this woman is annoying. That was hard to get through. 

[centaurself]

Unpopular opinions on the Homestuck Epilogue

Two things before I start this rant: I believe that the Homestuck epilogue is good and in character (in a specific way), and while it may not provide total closure as of yet, there is a chance there could be some more. I'm not exactly gonna lose sleep if there isn't more, however. If you didn't like the epilogue, that is your prerogative; however, I implore you to at least consider what I'm about to say.

Secondly: SPOILERS FOR THE EPILOGUE AND THE COMIC. OBVIOUSLY. I won't go too deep into the epilogue itself, however by nature of these things, it's gonna have spoilers. Really, if you haven't read the epilogue yet, you probably shouldn't be in the Homestuck tag.

TL;DR at the bottom, rant after the cut.

So! The Homestuck Epilogue just landed, and Tumblr is pissed. It's vaguely understandable; after wanting to see a closure on the comic that had everything nice and lovely, they got nearly 200k words that showed that it wasn't. Dirk is being a dick on the meat side, Jane is effectively a fascist dictator on the candy side, things are not looking good! What's going on, it's terrible, this isn't Homestuck! ARGH

But let's step back and take a look at things beforehand. The actual comic itself, when it was just kids and fun. What do we see there?

Well, we see many trolls dying in Act 5 Act 2 (in incredibly gruesome ways); Act 6 Act 6 Act 3 is when everything absolutely goes to shit for basically everyone involved; Act 7 ends pretty ambiguously for Vriska and Aradia; and the credits "post-canon content" ends with John smashing his phone screen because Caliborn is being quite the little shit, along with some other things that show he's really not doing particularly well. All in all, while the comic may indeed be just that - comic, comedic, funny - on the surface, if we look any deeper we can see just how dark this could get. It's a defining piece of online literature that has now spanned a smidge over 10 years, and there are incredibly complex scenes in it, screwing around with the very ideas of narration and canon.

The Homestuck Epilogue is very similar. There are funny moments, there are dark moments. The very core of the epilogue revolves around whether John decides to use his retcon powers, once again screwing around with canon. In the Meat half, the very idea of a narrator outside of the fiction's influence is completely and utterly decimated, as we see Dirk, then Calliope, then Dirk, then Calliope take control of the narrative.

This is not unprecedented in Homestuck, nor is it even unexpected. Andrew Hussie messes with this all the time, both in Homestuck and even in Problem Sleuth (though not to the same extent at all). The fact that canon is messed around with is not something that it really makes much sense to complain about, given the provenance of what we're dealing with here. Fortunately, this isn't really something that I've seen many complaints about.

Let's address some of the things I have seen complaints about! For example: Gamzee. In the Candy half, Gamzee's entire deal is his "redemption arc": he gets out of the fridge, and goes on and on about how he's had a lot of time to think and realise he needs redemption. A lot of people go along with this (with the notable exception of John), to the point where it's made quite a cornerstone of the New Crocker Empire (as I have just decided it is now called). This is seen by a lot of people as something ridiculous, and not something that makes any sense given what we're dealing with.

And you're right! It's not! It makes absolutely no sense within his character. This is precisely the point: we, along with John, can see right through just how absolutely fucking ridiculous this is. This is not something we're supposed to take seriously, but many people in the epilogue do. Why are they doing this?

One word: Candy.

This takes place in the Candy half of the story. It never occurs at all in the Meat half; John never once lets him out of the fridge. He barely even thinks about it, and Gamzee is never mentioned again. Candy is a symbol of Trickster: of ridiculousness, of seemingly endless optimism to the point that it could actually be considered dangerous, of characters not thinking straight about their own actions. There are at least three instances I can think of where characters just assume they're going to be ridiculously happy, without actually doing any thinking: when Rose and Kanaya adopt a kid, when Jane and Jake get hitched, and when Roxy and John get hitched. None of them are in any right mind when those decisions are made; they just go "YES OKAY LET'S DO THIS SHIT" without thinking about it.

Now go back to the Trickster arc in the actual comic. While the ridiculous nature of those decisions are certainly nowhere near as exaggerated in the epilogue, it's very much still there. This is the nature of candy in Homestuck: it provides an absurd backdrop on which everything is just supposed to be fine. Gamzee can have a redemption arc, of course! Roxy and John getting married? Absolutely!

It doesn't make sense, and it's not supposed to: those decisions are not made by rational minds, which is clear with our decision of Candy.

Now let's go to the Meat half, see what complaints we have there. Remarkably, I've seen nothing about Roxy and Calliope's pronouns or anything, which is a very nice change of pace for Tumblr. What I have seen occasionally is people complaining that Dirk just isn't acting right. Like he's being a complete and total arse, and #notmydirk etc.

Ask yourself: when has Dirk ever actually been a considerate and caring person? It's happened, sure, but very rarely. It's set up pretty strongly within canon that Dirk is honestly kind of an unemotional piece of shit, who finds it pretty easy to just let go of things as if they weren't anything at all. Apologies to Dirk fans, but that's his character.

So now we see him in control of the narrative, manipulating the flow of the story for his own benefit, seemingly with no thought to what certain characters might actually want as opposed to what he wants. Once control of the narrative is given to Calliope after Dirk takes off with Rose, Kanaya gets absolutely incensed, demanding to know where the hell Rose has gone and what the fuck Dirk did to her. We see in the Candy half that according to Calliope, "the prince of heart has to be stopped.", which is a preeetty direct sign that bad stuff is happening. Dirk himself even admits that he is the villain in this scenario. Once again, after seeing how cold Dirk is in the comic, it's pretty clear that this isn't out of character.

We don't really understand his plan, nor what he needs a Rosebot for, but it's clear he does have some machinations, and they ain't pretty.

Also, it seems like some people are complaining that John isn't a person who should really be depressed. Have you seen the comic? John gets to play a universe creating game on his birthday, and the very first day ends with his dad dead, not being able to talk with some of his friends for a full three years, and a ridiculous amount of bloodshed that no 13 year old should ever have to experience. Later on, he once again ends up having to attempt to save the universe on his 16th birthday, and as time goes on in post-canon content, he gets more and more secluded. He doesn't really want to make a big deal out of his birthday any more, he doesn't go to really see anyone, etc. John is depressed, and quite possibly suffering from some serious trauma.

Whichever path you take (and you should take both to get the full experience), the epilogue ends without much closure. On the Meat path, we have a bunch of characters attempting to get to Dirk before he can do... whatever he's planning on doing; on the Candy path, we have an incredibly oppressive empire preparing for a new world war. It doesn't look pretty, no matter which way you spin it. It's an ending which can leave you pretty unsatisfied. And... that's okay.

It's okay to be unsatisfied with an ending. There is absolutely no way Hussie and co. would be able to create any sort of epilogue which made everyone satisfied: if it was too happy people would complain about unrealism, and if it was too depressing people would still complain about unrealism but for very different reasons. This ending is less of an ending and more of a fade-out, like a song does when the artist couldn't think of a decent way to end it. It's unsatisfying, and it can leave you wanting either more, or proper closure.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm pretty unsatisfied with how the epilogue ends. I don't know if there are plans to put up more to create a proper closure, but I doubt this is the case. I think this is the only legitimate complaint about the epilogue I've seen, but even then people are taking it waaay too far, claiming that it ruins basically everything. Let's stop being so over-dramatic, guys.

Also, to some people complaining that Hussie doesn't care any more: if he didn't care, would he write an epilogue nearly two hundred thousand words long, making it almost exactly as long as Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire? True, he had help in writing it, but I'd honestly be amazed if he did it himself. It's pretty clear that although he wasn't the sole author, he had more input on how it would go than anyone else involved in writing the epilogue. That's not something you really do if you don't care any more about your magnum opus.

In conclusion: Homestuck is an incredibly complex piece of fiction that demands a lot more than a cursory glance, and the same can be said of the epilogue. If you don't want to accept that it's canon, that's fine! It would seem that the authors won't mind too much either: on the list of MSPA stories on homestuck.com, the epilogues are described as "Tales of dubious authenticity". It's not a crime to not accept something as canon, and it's not a crime to dislike a piece of fiction. In this case, it just seems like a lot of the complaints come from little evidence or are mostly knee-jerk responses.

TL;DR:

#homestuck #epilogue #hs #homestuck epilogue thoughts #spoilers

[bigbrotherfiore]

episode four: “power gets you got, so i just need to survive” - elise

hoh: rich

evicted: brianna

AMANDA: https://youtu.be/YnRbNjQQLns

AMANDA: https://youtu.be/Xs-EwM8N1e4

AMANDA: https://youtu.be/LBES8nSlqN8

RICH: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Oxy39TIAllP-l-lh_xgrqva8So7r-tK0/view?usp=drivesdk

AMANDA: https://youtu.be/QbtU7qP1eBI

AMANDA: https://youtu.be/LBES8nSlqN8

AMANDA: https://youtu.be/_XB2DbrrIY8

MIKKI: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sop4L3aZOWU

MIKKI: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IoshRaBKm80&feature=youtu.be

MIKKI: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZNAeadCgZc

MIKKI: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lh_vEZFbNgU

MIKKI: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqLb_hymcZw

SZYMON: https://youtu.be/KlJC100xcQM

AMANDA: https://youtu.be/jgNo5u4oN3s

i’m super nervous after the jared eviction. i don’t want to win hoh but i’m also scared rich or daly will win or even mazden could win. i just want brianna or sara or elise or mikki or lana or jakey to get it because those are the people i trust the most but if i got it SOMEHOW since i did not write any useful information i would probably put up mazden and rich because i talk to him the least and i feel like he’s super shady. i don’t know. maybe not mazden but i don’t know i’m SCARED i’m terrified

I literally only talk to him about what we eat in a day sooooooooo anyways 

THE MARCHING BAND JUST DID THAT. We have now won 3/4 HOH Competitions this season!!! 

ok so rich wants to work together now that jared is gone. i love jared from the bottom of my heart but fuck it might benefit me now that he's gone and there aren't rumours. hes gonna nom potentially lana and brianna, unfortunate for me because nfps but she might win veto again. also people know im close with mikki, gotta stop stanning taylor swift in the VC clearly... thats all rn because im slacking on these and i cba to record 

I can honestly say that I have not felt nervous at all in this game to date. I won the first HOH, Sara won HOH #2, Szymon won HOH #3, and Rich just won tonight's HOH. Obviously Sara and Rich are in The Marching Band Alliance and Szymon and I have a tight duo alliance so it is really nice to just sit back and relax 1/4 into the game. I also think I have been able to lay low after my 1st HOH run and allow other targets to begin to emerge! HAHA I love this game!

So Addilyn connected the dots that me and Daly are both from Manitoba and that kinda scares me. She is the only one besides Sara who would know how close we live because she also happens to be from Canada as well... Hopefully she doesn't catch on too well and pin us as a duo 

im so fucked i'm literally so fucked.  the ONE person i didn't want to win HOH won it.  THE.  ONE.  PERSON.  i'm going up and i'm the target.  i don't talk to him like, at all.  i hate this timeline i hate it i hate it please someone take me out of here.  i'm probably gonna go up next to mikki (my CLOSEST ALLY) and go home and im so fucking scared of that.  im so scared of rich i hate how he's playing this game that little snake is playing a game that is threatening to mine and i hate it.  i hate it i hate it i hate it.  this game sucks i hate it (i love u hosts im just irritated) - made 9:27 pm, outdated, will see if anything changes 

I am good with Rich winning HOH, he totally deserved it and I'm happy for him. I feel safe with him, and he reassured  me that I was going to be safe. So I am going to see just how honest he was with me. I honestly have a good feeling about him, and I like him. What I'm not happy about is people throwing my name out there for him to put up as a pawn...NO MA'AM, PAM, OR SAM!!! I am nobody's pawn, and I WILL remember who said it! I would have to say that I am closest to Jakey and Szymon in this game. I trust them the most and we have the JLS Alliance and hopefully we can ride this out to the end! I also like Amanda, she is someone I would like to keep close. Other than that, I am loving this game. A little chaotic at times, but I can handle it. That's that on that for now! Peace out!✌🏾

Jared is gone, Jared who I genuinely love so much he's amazing and it fucking SUCKS and what sucks worse is that it's probably better for my game because I have options now that people aren't lumping me in with him as a duo. Worse news, looks like Mikki and Brianna will be on the block this week and that puts Mikki in SO much danger. Mikki who I really am coming to trust right but am being named as close with her. Can people stop labelling me as part of duos or... kthx. Anyway, Mikki better stay because it'd be nice to have someone I can trust. Szymon and Sara seem somewhat distant so I'm not sure how much I can trust them right now, especially after I tried to save Jared. Daly and I are closing in on a bond in the absence of Jared and I hope that fares me well. My problem really is that I think a lot of my connections are on the table. I've been working on getting closer to people but with some of the guys it's kinda hard so!!! we'll see. I've been swinging the birthday twin angle with Addilyn so let's see how that pans out!! I'm really not getting much info so then I don't have much info to give so nobody wants to give me any. It's a long long cycle. But with Mikki in danger I did casually be like "why are people so mad abt people who've played other games, like szymon has won survivor and ferg has won the challenge a couple times?" just to really get that out there and for it to come from Mikki, not me :). Byeeeeeee I'm so done with this if Mikki goes here. I don't want to have to shuffle into working with the men but I might have to. I wanna crack their alliance open but I don't want to be a big target this early, annoying.   Rich told me that he felt good with me now that Jared's gone but didn't tell me the real noms until today (told me Bri/Lana but it's Bri/Mikki) so yay fuck that shit everyone else has a closest ally/allies and mine are all LEAVING ok thats enough of that tantrum. I'll figure something out it's just awkward as hell because I'm not entirely sure how to push a vote in a smart way. I have a couple ideas of HOW but not how to do it subtlely. I'm still trying to avoid making enemies because when it comes down to it, I need to be safe from the block more than I need a ghost of power in this game. power gets you got, so i just need to survive. 

I am sooo excited rich is HOH. I kind of went underground for a few days and forgot about DRs. Austin solidified a group with Ferg, Szymon, himself, and I while Szymon was in power. I really like that group too. I’ll do what I can to keep them safe. I feel like I’m connecting with everyone??? I mean, I’m not oblivious...I know some probably don’t like me, but I think I’m talking to everybody. Jared went home. He almost didn’t because of an emotional house meeting... the girls literally debated flipping a coin?? Mazden was on the block again but nowhere to be found. Shes Sade again but old what she is thinking. I prepped a google doc for the last hoh for like 5 hours I’m SO glad rich won. I also tried by best just in case but he kicked butt!! I talked to Amanda on the phone last night for an hour and we really connected. She’s super easy to talk to. I’m worried about Austin but we will see what comes of it in the days to come. I LOVE my groups. Rich and Sara are amazing. Szymon is so caring, and ferg is definitely putting effort in to our relationship. I’m happy because I feel like I’m doing okay! Rich joked that we are the evil alliance of the season and I just hope he’s wrong tbh... I never wanted to be the bad guy, I’ve always thought I was an underdog 😳. Sarah thanked me for putting the group together and I’m really grateful we made it. Power 3/4 times??? It’s my turn next, I really don’t wanna let them down. 

My issue with trusting Mikki was never that I truly thought she was untrustworthy. I think it was apparent from the moment Mikki would only vote for Mazden in Week 1 because she wanted to be good to Celina showed that she's loyal. I was so worried her loyalty didn't lie with me, though, and now that I've realised Mikki is a great ally, she's on the bloody block. I'm a fucking idiot. Watch me lose two great allies in a row UGH. 

UGH I so could have won that POV comp but of course I made a huge mistake on my submission. I could have gotten under 4 minutes... At the same time it isn't the worst thing because I would want to use it on Mikki but Rich would be absolutely pissed if I did.

It is crucial for my game for Brianna to go this week. I am getting to the point where I do not feel like anyone left in the game would nominate me based on the relationships I have built since Day 1. I do not think it would be in my best interest to win this HOH tomorrow because I genuinely wouldn't have 2 nominees that are not working with me (except maybe Mazden/Lana)

I am feeling sooooooo conflicted. Like I wanna win hoh tomorrow...but I have absolutely NO idea who I’d nominate. Austin keeps pointing out that I’m the only person (in both of our alliances) who hasn’t won anything. But is winning really good for my game at this point?? Also, either Austin is a closet asshole to all, or he’s just really comfortable with me. He says a lot of mean things.. 😒 “you’re my little pawn who can never win a comp” ...all jokes aside...ouch.. while he’s out here telling me winning isn’t good. I like him a lot, and he tells me all the time that I’m his #1 and I do believe him because he’s putting in a lot of work with me. BUT, I think he’s getting too comfortable. He needs to step up, try to have genuine conversations, and be nice to me because I’m fragile 😂 I’m gonna try for hoh tomorrow. Then I’ll have to think about who I nominate. I actually have no clue but it’s whatever. Daly wants to talk on the phone tomorrow and I need to be super careful what I say to him. Honestly, if I won I’d love to nominate him just to shake things up and step away from the “sides” but whatever, I truly don’t think I’d make it far if I did. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IM DOING. I’m annoyed at everything. And I feel really bad that I’ve basically stepped out on my f2 with rich from night one. I fucking love him. And if it came down to him, Austin, and I in final three I guess I don’t really know what I’d do. It’s easy to say Austin because we talk constantly. But rich is nice and genuine with me. AND I believe he’s fiercely loyal. And I think if it came down to it Austin would cut me to win. The more and more we talk he’s getting comfortable and he’s playing ruthless. ...and that scares me... 

LMAO not haley lying to me about not talking to Austin or ferg much when I know they're in an alliance together and her and Austin make it SO obvious that they are a duo. I can't help but laugh. it's cute how they think they are slick when they are literally MESSAGING ME THE SAME TIME, and like start messaging me after the other and then end at the same time it's just.....so obvious. like guys please try harder???? if you wanna be a secret duo keep it more secret??? you're literally in an alliance together I- and I know about it because you're aligned with MY secret duo. ahhhhh how cute of you to try how cute how cute. I'm so bitter and over these people like so over it every single thing out of haley and Austins mouths is FAKE and they think they are being so great at playing people but I'm sitting here playing them back it's so exhausting keeping up a fake conversation. the sad thing is I think I would love haley outside of this game. but in it she annoys the crap out of me because she's sooooo fake and boring. I'm over it. 

we hate it here

Click HERE to see the Goodbye Messages for Brianna.

#bbfiore #episodes

[omnical]

I Sing the Body Electric... (2/?)

( Previous - Next )

Summary: Dr. Angela Ziegler knows a few things about Detective Fareeha Amari.

Genre: AU, Romance. Dark humor, supernatural elements.

Characters/Pairings: Angela, Fareeha, Pharmercy; minor: Lucio, Mei

Rating: T, mentions of body gore and third party violence, dark humor.

Links: AO3

Dr. Angela Ziegler did not know what she was doing with her life.

To be fair, she never expected to be haunted by her own insecurities, but Angela supposed reaching her thirties was the primary culprit of her sudden change of heart. She never used to worry, and never used to wonder if she was wasting her life by focusing on her work, until she found it barely made her happy anymore. 

Sometimes Angela allowed herself to sink back into her memories. Mostly whenever feelings of intense sadness came into her mind, unbidden. Memories of when she was a child in her father’s study, wide-eyed and curious about his strange books, and colorful anatomical models with their detachable parts.

She remembered examining them with her pudgy toddler hands, lower lip sticking out as she took them apart --  cillary body, choroid, sclera, lens -- before putting the parts back together again. She liked putting them back together again.

She remembered her parents telling her how smart she was, how good she was, pride lighting their eyes. If she tried hard enough, Angela could still remember their voices. It helped lift her spirits up, sometimes.

However, her parents’ untimely passing did not exhaust love and warmth from her life. She lead a happy and carefree childhood, after her parents died. Her aunt and uncle tried their hardest to fill that silence in her heart with their own voices, and sometimes Angela thought it worked. Your mother and father would have been so proud of you, Angela.

And now, after making a living out of being smart, she became Auntie Dr. Angela, who sent the best sweets and the newest toys despite missing family gatherings for the holidays sometimes.

And birthday parties.

And weddings. Video calls.

Auntie’s funeral.

“It’s all right, my dear. Maybe you can come next year?”

...

Dr. Lindholm found Angela dissociating in front of her computer monitor one day.

He brought her hot chocolate from the coffee machine in the pantry, the beverage watery and clumped up with cheap chocolate powder. And with it, he effectively coaxed her out of her mental calisthenics. She was like a terrified critter hiding inside her burrow. “You always did think too much for your own good.” He said.

She had no one else to turn to, no one else to confide in, until Dr. Lindholm, poorly hiding the hurt he felt after Angela hesitated to tell him initially, managed to make her spill everything with one look.

“When I was your age, I ended up working myself to the bone, too.” Dr. Lindholm grumbled through his words, speaking with a gruff gentleness only a father of seven would have. “Until my poor wife knocked some sense into this hard noggin’ of mine, and I had to look back at myself and what I was missing. But that’s life.”

“Why did you decide to stay?”

“I was happy with my job and I still am.” He answered, tugging his mustache with a thumb and forefinger. “Sometimes you need to figure out what’s best for you, get your hands dirty. But it is different for everybody, Angela. Whatever worked for me might not work for you. These things don’t come with a manual.”

“I see.”

“Guess that means you can do whatever the hell you want.”

“It would be easier if I knew what I wanted to do.”

“Take a day off.” Dr. Lindholm said, patting her shoulder. “Away from all this crap. Maybe that will help clear your head?”

Angela walked to a pub that evening with some of her coworkers, some of them surprised that one of their local recluse bothered to join them at all. She holed herself up against the corner of the pub at first, until Dr. Winston invited her to throw a few darts with him, which was fun despite missing the dartboard the entire time. She also cheered for a losing football team, got into a heated debate about rugby with a baffled stranger, drinking pint after pint. Mirthful brown eyes watched her all night.

After getting ‘plenty pissed’, she went home. Angela woke up with a bad hangover, her mouth sour, and a pulsing headache, wondering if her night out helped.

She felt inclined to disagree after vomiting all over her bathroom floor. It took hours until she mustered the strength to clean up after her own mess.

The next day, Dr. Angela Ziegler deleted her resignation letter, and never thought about quitting her job again.

The steel autopsy table glinted from the bright surgical lights overhead.

When Angela closed her eyes, blinding spots shaped like surgical light bulbs flashed behind her eyelids. She blinked, long and hard, willing them to go away.

When she opened them again, she noticed Lucio was sending her a look over the autopsy table, a pair of forceps in his hand.

“Sorry, I got distracted.”

“I can see that.”

Angela looked down at their patient.

Hi .

Time to get back to work.

An assistant drone whizzed past Angela’s eyesight with a mechanical hum. Its gears and internal mechanisms whirring and clicking, its optical eye taking photographs of the cadaver, and stowing away details for the report; breaking them down into categories. Nails, skin, hair. And while the drone did its work, Angela exhaled, letting a long breath whoosh from her lips.

“February 8, 1:45 PM. Female, forty-eight years old. Found in her living room, seven hours after time of death, which was estimated at: February 7, 10 PM. According to investigation reports, she died from an unwitnessed cardiac arrest.” Angela frowned beneath her medical mask. “Her family wanted to be sure about the cause of death. As far as we know, she was alone at home. No evidence of assault or struggle.”

The patient’s feet were swollen. Taut skin stretched across sharp lines of bone. The corpse’s flesh -- once brown and aglow with the rosy hue of life -- was now ashen and cold. The patient’s face was expressionless, grim. Mrs. Tanner looked peaceful in her final rest.

I am so sorry.

“Assistant drones found some areas of her clothing were singed.” Angela said. “Very slight, almost undetectable. There were no signs of burns on the corpse, either.”

“That’s weird.”

“Very weird.”

“The police reports never mentioned anything which might have caused it.” Lucio said, “Think it’s conclusive evidence, doc?”

“Maybe. If only things can be that easy.”

Angela fiddled with the plastic shield protecting her face. She fixed her rubber gloves around her wrists, listening to it snap against her skin, as if the sound would quell the storm forming inside her heart.

“Okay, I am ready.” Angela said, “Let’s open her up.”

Lucio handed her a scalpel.

…

“Wanna order Italian later, doc?”

“That sounds great. I’m craving garlic bread.”

“I know this place that makes amazing garlic bread. They make their own bread -- fancy restaurants always make their own bread -- so you know it’s super fancy. It’s a walk away from here, but totally worth it.” Lucio said. “Better not have too much, though, people say garlic breath is a turn off for some people. If you know what I mean.”

Angela held the sternal saw aloft. She sent him a dirty look.

“Hey, I'm just saying.”

“We are recording this session, Dr. dos Santos.”

“Nobody but us listens to it, anyway, what's the harm?”

“Ugh.” Angela turned the saw on and began to cut across the sides of their patient’s rib cage.

...

“Need help there, doc?”

“Yes.” Angela nodded. “Take this to the tray, please.”

“Got it.”

“Thank you.”

Working with the dead followed a careful step-by-step scientific process.

“Checking the pericardial sac. Scalpel, please? The small one.”

The other half of the job was to understand the abstract.

“Maybe a towel, too.” she added. “There is a lot of liquid in the cavity.”

Whenever Angela got bored during her trip to and from work, she found herself watching ordinary people mill about in their daily lives. A person showing signs of nicotine addiction. An elderly woman waiting in a cafe who was probably diabetic, her coffee order later confirming Angela’s guess. A child chasing a cat after recovering from a broken leg, maybe two or three weeks ago. They were textbook and precise observations, nearly perfected after years of practice.

Since their patients did not have the ability to speak for themselves anymore, or show discomfort, or express pain, they took it upon themselves to help reveal the dead’s final words. But it was the unpredictable human mind which added tons of variables and what-ifs in the equation; something unseen from the abstract could turn a murder case around and present truths from lies. Their patient’s final meal. Their medicine intake. Past ailments. Angela had a knack for the abstract.

“What do you think so far?” Dr. dos Santos asked, helping her lift a layer of flesh with a large pair of forceps.

Dr. Ziegler, hands deep inside the body’s chest cavity, answered. “Homicide.”

“How’d you figure?”

“Let’s call it a gut feeling, doctor.” An amused wrinkle appeared around Angela’s eyes, revealing the smile under her mask.

“Ha, very funny.” Lucio said. “Are you suggesting a killer clown appeared from her television screen and scared her to death?” He chuckled, “We should send that report to the Chief of Police. Get his grouchy ass storming our office.”

"Wouldn’t that be a sight."

“Speaking of the Chief of Police--”

Angela and Lucio jumped at the new voice.

A short woman, round-faced and perky, smiled at them from behind the autopsy room doors. “I am so sorry for interrupting you guys." she said with a nervous giggle, "How is the examination going?”

“Lucio and I are still not finished with this one, Mei.” Angela said, bowing her head in apology. “Would it be possible if you told Captain Morrison we will finish this after three?”

“Okay,” Mei shrugged, throwing the pair a knowing look. “I guess I’ll tell Detective Dimples to come back another time.”

Dr. Ziegler dropped her scalpel in Mrs. Tanner’s chest.

“Oh, shit.”

Detective Amari was here.

Detective Fareeha Amari.

Fareeha Amari. She was here.

Angela skidded to a halt outside her office door, and took a moment to stare at the twisted knotholes of the wood. Blue eyes, dancing like two fading matchsticks, unable to focus where she was looking until Angela concentrated all her intent on the silver of the doorknob. She had to find the strength to open the door eventually.

Angela worried her lower lip, fingers combing the messy rat’s nest of hair on her head. She tugged at the lapels of her white coat, which smelled of antiseptic and murk from the autopsy earlier. It stank on her skin, under her nose, and her eyes had deep bags under them, as if they were two small ditches dug out by a worn trowel. The scent and look of death always clung to her, but she thought it was impossible to look nice after spending hours in the morgue.

After a few moments shifting her weight between her feet, she willed steel into her bones and pushed the door open. A beam of white light from the hallway’s fluorescent lighting escaped through the gap, and as soon as she opened the door, a person’s shadow revealed itself stretched out onto the rug. She hesitated, her eyes adjusting from the dim room after walking through the hall. Dark clouds covered the sun, the rain pelting her window, overall encompassing her office with a dreary, gray overtone.

When her eyes adjusted to the lack of lighting, Angela’s gaze followed the unmoving shadow to its source -- who was wearing a pair of soggy black shoes.

Her eyes traced up to dark trouser pants, pressed, creased, hiding a pair of elegant, long legs. A coat hung over their shoulders, limp and drenched from the afternoon rain.

Detective Fareeha Amari loomed above Angela’s desk, surveying the mass of documents and towers of folders strewn about. Her head quirked to the side, probably in curiosity, hair dripping with rain water. It was a miracle Detective Amari did not notice Angela leaning against the doorway, her knees folding over each other, wobbling like jelly.

Taking a shaky step forward, Angela closed the door behind her, careful so as not to startle her visitor. She licked her lips, mind racing over ideas on how to greet the detective without looking like a baffled idiot. Just a simple greeting. She had to sound calm, firm, use her customer service telephone voice. That always worked.

‘Fancy seeing you here, Detective Amari. You cut a dashing figure, as always.’

That was horrible.

“Dr. Ziegler,” Angela forced herself to abandon her thoughts, dragging her eyes away from the pair of long legs gracing her office, and into Detective Amari’s eyes. Dark brown eyes, almost black. It left her rooted on the spot, her knees stopped wobbling like jelly. “Glad to see you again, doctor.”

“Fancy dashing you here."

Detective Amari raised an eyebrow, the corners of her lips quirking to an amused grin. “I’m sorry?”

Angela cleared her throat. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

There were a few things Angela knew about the mysterious Detective Fareeha Amari.

First. She had a stress ball tucked inside her jacket pocket at all times. It was orange, like a basketball.

Second. She wore a lady’s suit at work, and sometimes a baggy windbreaker jacket during colder days, instead of a blazer. She wore a pair of jeans and a baseball cap during stakeouts and sting operations. She always looked perfect.

Third. She did not mind being referred to as a they, or a he, or a she. “Doesn’t matter.” Detective Amari said once, “Please call me whatever you like.”

Fourth. A week ago, Detective Amari had a cut on her cheek and a broken finger. Two weeks before that, a suspect made her long nose crooked for a while. Three months ago, she broke her leg after falling off a flight of stairs in the precinct.

Today a broken arm hung over her chest in a sling, and half of her face was swollen and purple like a bowl of bruised mangoes and grapes.

Fifth. Fareeha knew a few things about Dr. Angela Ziegler.

"Please tell me those bandages aren’t hiding anything serious.”

“Got roughed up a couple of days ago." Detective Amari said.

“You should take better care of yourself, detective.”

“I’m used to it, doctor. Occupational hazard.” She smiled, motioning at her cast. “Comes with the territory.”

Angela shook her head and scoffed, trying to keep herself from being charmed by the curve of Fareeha’s full lips, and the grin reaching her eyes. “Oh, nonsense. Let me get you something.”

Detective Amari faltered, “I hope I am not intruding, doctor?”

Angela waved away her weak excuses, and began searching for a towel, a handkerchief -- anything that could help her friend. She ignored a few empty drawers, and quickly closed the one overflowing with rubbish before Fareeha saw her shame.

Finally, she found a hand towel from her tote bag, and handed it Detective Amari with an embarrassed chuckle.

“I guess I should have been better prepared, considering the local weather.” Angela said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “It’s horrible, isn’t it? Always raining, and dark, and...” --   stop talking about the weather, Angela -- “Anyway, I hope this can help.”

“Thank you, doctor.” Fareeha smiled, and took the offered towel from Angela’s hand. “To be fair, it’s not everyday a soaked idiot comes in dripping water everywhere after forgetting to bring an umbrella.”

“Indeed. I mean, you’re not an idiot. That’s not what I meant.” Angela twisted her fingers around each other, resisting the urge to caress the bruises on Detective Amari’s cheek. “And you are free to intrude on my work any time, by the way. I don’t mind.”

Detective Amari opened her mouth, pausing as if she was about to apologize for the second time, before changing her mind. “Thank you.”

“Wuh -- ” Words, Angela. “Would you like to take a seat and tell me why you got injured, this time?”

“Just a group of guys assaulting a kid in an alleyway.” She replied with a tight smile, shaking her head. “We didn’t expect it to turn into a car chase across the square to sixth avenue. Backed them up into a building, where they had friends waiting. One of them sucker punched me.”

“Oh, goodness.”

“I broke my arm after tripping over a rubbish bin an hour later.”

“Sounds... exciting.”

“And a lot of paperwork,” Detective Amari frowned. “Which is less fun compared to a car chase, I guess.” She handed Angela the damp towel after attempting to dry her face. Detective Amari took a moment to comb her hair back with her fingers, dark strands curling over her cheek, making it look both neat and tousled and... “Maybe you should take a seat, doctor? Your knees are shaking.”

Angela felt herself fall into her leather chair, boneless -- she cleared her throat. “So, how can I help you today, Detective Amari? Is this about a case?”

The detective tensed, her mouth turning into a frown as she leaned against the edge of the desk, fingers gripping the edge. “Yes, in fact.” She pulled out a thick case file from inside her suit jacket, and Angela wondered how she kept it dry and intact after running through the rain.

“We got a video clip.”

Dr. Ziegler flipped through case file, her knuckles white as she flipped through the pages. Pictures and reported evidence spread across desk in a mess, all of which she still remembered fresh in her mind, while the newly found puzzle-piece played on her computer monitor in a loop.

“Maybe the recording was tampered?”

“Maybe.” Detective Amari scratched the bandage under her chin. “Our techie couldn’t find anything suspicious in the recording. Or the recorder, for that matter. There were no time skips, no evidence of anything being erased. No tampering, as far as we know.”

“So his wife hid the camera inside the… ?”

“She hid the camera inside his bookcase.”

“Because she suspected her husband was cheating on her.”

“I know what this looks like. Jealous wife murders husband, plants fake or tampered evidence to get us off her trail.” Detective Amari said, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. “It is true Mrs. Finnegan has a clear motive, but why would she give us the recording? She could have destroyed it, and we would have never known it existed.”

“Detective,” Angela pulled her glasses from her nose. She paused, resting the spectacles on her thigh. “Are you prepared to tell me he was killed by an invisible creature?”

They shared a look.

“These strange cases have been popping up left and right.” Angela said. “We were working on another case before you came to visit, and believe me when I say I can’t wrap my head around that one either.” She leaned against her chair with a tired huff. “They all look like natural causes -- our autopsies reveal they are natural cases. Oftentimes we leave it as is and shelf it, but I’m often at a loss. It always feels wrong, somehow. Off. Like there’s something missing.”

“I know.” Detective Amari pushed herself away from Angela’s desk. “I feel the same.”

The detective stared at the wall opposite Angela, deep in thought. After a while, the square of her shoulders deflated. “I just came by to inform you, doctor. Please don’t hesitate to contact me if you think of anything. Invisible men, werewolves, body-snatchers, whatever you guys figure out.” she chuckled, finding no humor in her words. “As long as there's evidence backing it, I’m willing to hear anything at this point.”

“This is something your techie can figure out more than I can.” Angela said. She smoothed down the crinkles of her dress shirt, trying to find something her fingers could be busy with while the detective stood too close in front of her. Their knees were almost touching. “Strange video recordings aren’t my forte, unless...”

Detective Amari froze.

“No.”

“Unless I -- ”

“Absolutely not.” Fareeha pivoted around her heels and began to pace, her hand expressing her words wildly. “May I remind you about the last time you took a plunge? Light bulbs exploded, things floated around, creepy voices. And I think that body moved.”

“That was completely my fault. I forgot to mention temporary reanimation can happen sometimes.”

“You fainted and you stared at your hands for an hour, doctor."

"Now, I don't remember that..."

Fareeha shot her a dry look. "You were talking about yellow eyes.”

“Sometimes they get annoyed.”

“I nearly -- ” Fareeha closed her eyes and pulled away, biting the insides of her cheek. “I won’t let you go through that again. It’s too dangerous.”

“We don’t even know if I will make contact.” Angela glanced at the door in case anyone else was listening. “Besides, last time was just a tiny, tiny oversight.”

“A tiny oversight?”

“Fareeha, please listen to me?”

Fareeha closed her mouth and shook her head in disbelief, but decided to do as Angela insisted. Instead, she grabbed the orange stress-ball from inside her jacket pocket, and squeezed it with an iron grip.

“I have lived with this curse all my life, and I wasted so much time trying to forget it ever existed. I’m out of practice, I admit, but I am ready to keep trying.” Angela said. “Two times out of ten it can get worse. Three times out of eight, nothing happens. But there is a fifty-percent chance of us getting the answers we need."

"With the remaining fifty-percent possibility of the guy’s head spinning around? I can deal with poltergeists, maybe, but not that."

“The body’s head didn’t spin.” Angela groaned. "Look, whatever, or whoever is running around in this city, innocent people are getting killed.”

“And we’ll do our best to stop them.” Fareeha said. “We’ll search for other solutions. Our techie can check the video again, she’s a genius. The toxicology report is still pending. Maybe he got stung by a bee and he’s allergic. I dunno.” she winced. “Contacting crazy spirits should be our last resort, doctor. God, I can’t believe I just said that.”

“And what if there's no other way?”

“I’ll find another way."

“I can do this.” Angela said, almost jumping up from her chair. “I know I can do this.”

“Yes, but I can’t--” Fareeha said with a frustrated sigh, squeezing the ball hard until her hand shook. “I just wanted to update you about the case and tell you what we found. I wanted to make sure I wasn't losing my mind."

"You didn't show this video to anyone else, did you?" she asked, her sentence a statement more than a question. The detective's accompanying silence was enough of a reply.

"I can’t ask you to risk your life again." Fareeha said. "If something happens to you…“

Angela’s shoulders fell.

The rain outside seemed to grow in volume as they both regarded each other, silent and tight lipped. Heavy droplets pelting the windowpane, her desktop computer whirring, thunder rolling across the dreary city.

She didn’t realize she was holding her breath until Fareeha spoke again. “I can't lose you to one of those things, doctor. You are one of the few good friends I have.”

Angela felt her heart flutter. “Well,” she mumbled, inwardly cursing herself for folding under the spell of Fareeha Amari’s words too soon. “I’m, um, same. You are the same, to me, I mean. A friend.” She breathed in awe.

Detective Amari’s lips twitched into a weary smile, tucking her stress ball back inside her coat pocket. “Don’t fret about this case too much.” Her voice deepened in confidence, and Angela felt her back stiffen in attention. “Please leave it to me. I promise we’ll figure something out. Invisible creatures or no.”

“We will.”

“Are we okay?”

“We’re okay.” Angela croaked.

“Good.” Fareeha sighed in relief, “Shit, I need to go. Busy day in the precinct.”

“Of course.”

“Please take it easy, doctor, and don’t do anything without me. My apologies for taking too much of your time.”

Fareeha gathered the case documents from Angela’s desk, shoving it back inside her coat, and began to walk away before Angela could form a coherent reply. “You have my number, Dr. Ziegler, call me any time. I mean it.” Fareeha blindly reached for the door as she turned to look at Angela. Her dark eyes gripped Angela’s attention like a vice, that it seemed to glow under the dim lighting of the room. “Give me two weeks and maybe -- if all else fails -- maybe I will consider helping you do the other thing.”

“How about next week?” Lunch? Dinner? A movie?

An early morning jog around the park?

Oh, forget that, Angela. You can’t jog even if your life depended on it.

Fareeha laughed. “You are, by far, the toughest, most stubborn woman I have ever met. I’ll give you that, doctor.” she winked. “Two weeks, tops, and I promise I will help you.”

“I will take your word for it, detective.” Angela swallowed, her throat pushing down her traitorous thoughts, as if it would spill out of her mouth if she allowed them to stray.

“I’ll be seeing you.”

Angela tensed, her fingers digging into the arm of her chair as she watched the detective pull her door open with nary a backwards glance. “Wait, Fareeha.”

“Yes, doctor?”

Angela faltered, chewing her lower lip. Her heart aching as a billion sentences rolled through her head, most of them spontaneous invitations to places she has never seen before. But wouldn't it be nice if she had? With someone like the detective?

Live a little.

“Thank you.” Angela said, “For looking out for me.”

Surprise lit up Fareeha’s face. Her smile crooked, and her eyes warm. They felt like a hearth in Angela’s cold office.

“Any time, Dr. Ziegler.”

Detective Amari was already closing the door behind her before Angela could find it in herself to speak again. The last edges of her shadow disappearing underneath the frame; and with it, the final traces of her warm presence.

Notes: This took so so damn long, I'm not gonna lie folks, we spent the entire two month hiatus to expand this little one-shot into a hopefully more proper multi-chapter. We had a lot of fun plotting and planning things out, but man... did you know you can watch human autopsies online? Yeah... you can watch human autopsies online, full and very graphic ones. Very educational!

Anyway, unfortunately, we can't promise another prompt update (though at least now I know which direction and style we're goin with this), since I'll be moving apartments sometime around next month, and things will be incredibly busy as heck, but we will most definitely do our best :D

Thank you very much for reading! Have a nice day, everyone~

Edited (24/09/17): So soon! Had to post this very late and caught a few minor errors I overlooked :)

#pharmercy #body electric ow ff #my fics #pharmercy fanfiction #pharmercy roulette

[haltandcatchfiretothemax]

Halt and Catch Fire 4x06: Let's see if I can type and get wifi inside this glass case of emotion I'm now in!

Before I was able to watch this episode, I saw a link to the Vulture recap that said something to the effect of, 'This is a joyous episode'. I didn't know what to expect, but I definitely didn't expect to want to lie down on the floor and actually cry after I watched it.

Granted, I of course have IRL emotional stuff going on that affected how I watched "A Connection Is Made." And I think that yes, this episode is definitely about joy, and that it's actually a really lovely meditation on joy, change, and accepting it and moving forward when we lose access to a thing that brought us happiness. But 'joyous'? After I watched I was all 'uh for WHO?!' There was joy, but it was tempered with a lot of sad moments and realizations, so, do a cartwheel, grab a drink, put on some Pat Benetar (or some Heavens to Betsy…?), cry out some feels if you gotta, and then let's see if we can assess the emotional damage. Literally nothing but spoilers for Halt and Catch Fire 4x06 below.

The major developments:

Haley Clark has a crush on a girl named Vanessa! First, shout out to and knowing femme cackle for all of my lesbian friends here who predicted this weeks ago, literally right after they saw the premiere. It's not explicitly stated, but the songs and bands they talk about all featured lesbian and bisexual young women musicians who sang openly about crushes on and relationships with other girls, so that better be what they're getting at. (The Heavens to Betsy song that Vanessa says is cool is called "She's the One" and it is unambiguously about liking a girl.) She also has a birthday, and it seems like a good one! But she also has a fight with Gordon and storms out of the Comet offices after he confronts her about her declining grades. Sigh. She was happy at work though, and she's gotta make it back to Comet eventually….right?

Okay, the hardest thing about this episode: Donna is fucking unraveling, and Joanie sees it. I AM NOT EVEN SLIGHTLY OKAY WITH ANY OF THIS. The talk about how much she loved Mutiny? Her drinking and driving drunk and sleeping with a dude who should've gone to work at Rover and then getting kicked off the project entirely? It is possible that I will never recover from her visit to Cam's Airstream. And yeah, it's cool that Gordon is helping her (finally, jesus fvcking christ) and supporting her through this but goddamn. GET IT TOGETHER SHOW, and for frick's sake Donna, just TELL CAMERON THAT YOU MISS HER.

Are Bos and Diane done? This whole storyline has been…ugh. They've made Diane horribly unlikeable, which is extra problematic because it makes her yet another powerful, driven career woman who's a miserable bitch. After her exchange with Donna -- and no, I don't think she was just doing her job, Diane just seemed like a hideously bad, Don Draper-type ‘mentor’ and leader when she told Donna she was 'tired of holding her hand' -- I don't know if I'd even be all that upset if she leaves Bos? He frankly deserves better. We all do.

Cameron seems to be moving forward, and mostly seems good! But even that feels sad, though I can't quite explain why. I'm interested to see where her new venture with this (I think?) unnamed new partner goes. Maybe I'm just bummed because whatever it ends up being, Donna probably won't end up working on it. *weeps quietly into wine glass*

And some other stuff:

Loving the subtle but clear callbacks to season 1! When Gordon went to pick Donna up from the police station? I don't think you can really compare Gordon and Donna's detainments, but ugh, my heart! Thank dog someone is telling Donna that they love her.

I'm not surprised that Cecil was forced off Rover, but I'm still pissed. I love Bos but fuck how his terrible choices blew back on Cecil, and then Donna.

I'll just say it: I hated Bos and J*e's scene. Because I'm already tired of this dogged insistence that J*e is 'better' now. Maybe he is but I don't care because the show failed at holding him accountable and at addressing the real issue, of its decision to put Cameron back with her abuser. Oh, and related: the talk about having kids. "She might surprise you!" Like, could we NOT push this idea that women who say they don't want kids are just waiting to change their minds for some asshole who used to manipulate them? Because no, it's not romantic, it's utterly disrespectful towards women, both real and fictional, and their reproductive agency.

Anyways, tl;dr I love Donna and I need for this show to grow up and give her a reasonably happy ending after everything they've put her through over the past 3 seasons. We've only got 4 hours of show left though, so they'd better work, even (especially?) if they don't somehow reunite her with Cameron. Though really, what was the point of all of this if they don't make up?

#i guess i can type from inside this glass case of emotion! hooray or...whatever #halt and catch fire s4 #4x06 #a connection is made #alcohol #drinking

[wickedreplicant]

GETTING TO KNOW THE MUN

NAME: Nikki

NICKNAME: Nik, Kat 

FACECLAIM: I either use Sailor Mars or my CAW from Samurai Warriors 4 Empires. I made it look close enough to me, except it didn’t have my exact hair color 

PRONOUNS: She

HEIGHT: 152 cm 

BIRTHDAY: September 25

AESTHETIC: Darkness, Ice/Snow, City Lights, Walking through the city late at night, Autumn (and autumn scents), Fire, Water/Ocean, Dimly lit and secluded bars, Dogs and Cats, Studying, Loud Music, Concerts

LAST SONG YOU LISTENED TO: Tiamat-Brighter Than the Sun

FAVOURITE MUSE(S) YOU’VE WRITTEN? I can’t single out just one, each of my muses have their own special qualities to me-each have their own significance to me, but lately, I’ve been enjoying writing as Bryan

GETTING TO KNOW THE ACCOUNT

WHAT INSPIRED YOU TO TAKE ON THIS MUSE? We have to go back to the time when I was in a sushi restaurant. All you can eat sushi with three friends. A friend saw my Tekken Bullet Club shirt and asked me about Tekken 7, he asked me,”Is Bryan Fury still in?” and I replied,”Yes, but I haven’t come across him in Treasure Battle yet.” Of course right after I said this, came home, and turned the game on, Bryan was my first opponent, and beat me up. His win pose had him hovering over my character (I think I was Hwoarang), pummeling him half to death. I said to myself, yay! a psychopath character! I’m usually drawn to those. Currently, I’m writing a fic, and I was trying to figure out how to add Bryan in. He has connections to many characters and I was trying to figure out how to begin his arc, while researching him. I was attracted to his brutality, his madness, and the science behind his being. I had a very different approach to how to add him in the story in the beginning, one I’m really glad I threw away. I haven’t gotten that far in the fic yet, I haven’t even added Baek and Steve yet! As I tried to figure out how to write Bryan, I looked for fics involved him, and stumbled upon a cute love story between him and Sergei Dragunov. They seemed to be a fairly popular pairing. I really liked how Bryan was portrayed, and that’s what influenced me the most. I said to myself, that’s the Bryan I want. He’s a tyrannical maniac, but he also has feelings. He struggles with his conflicting feelings of wanting to love, wanting to protect, wanting to be human, while realizing, he’s still a monster, and he’s met another monster, who seems interested enough. Basically, the fic was; Sergei bought Bryan a drink, and Bryan’s panties dropped. In a more nicer way, of course :p 

WHAT ARE YOUR FAVOURITE ASPECTS OF YOUR CURRENT MUSE? For my OC: She’s unhinged and unfiltered. She says and does whatever’s on her mind, but she’s also homesick after making mistakes that caused her to flee her country. For Zhuge Dan, his mistakes are costly, he never seems to see the big picture in front of him, he struggles through his insecurities, he always comes up short no matter how much he tries and tries, and eventually gets rejected by both the Jin and Wu kingdoms, dying in battle. Nouhime, well, I can be as sensuous as I’d like, she’s a very dark and sexy character who is also unhinged and mildly curious about human behavior. She’s married to a husband who toys with her curious mind for his own amusement. Zhang Xingcai, I really just wanted angsty RP’s with her husband Liu Shan. Ginchiyo Tachibana, she’s my favorite Samurai Warriors character, she’s a boss ass babe decked in full armor using her father’s lightning sword, she’ll kill you ten times before you hit the ground, has a wonderful and hilarious relationship with her husband, and despite being such a hard ass, she’s tsundere as fuck. Hwoarang is an emotional wreck, I’ve taken liberties into writing him as a boy who’s lost everything he’s ever cared about, and, his reactions as the world crumbles around him. In canon, I like his badassness, his design, and also we’re both Taekwondo students. For Bryan, I like his brutality. I like his madness, I like how he doesn’t give a single fuck about anything. He can also be kind of adorable. I guess when you see things the way Bryan does, the characters become more relatable. 

WHAT’S YOUR BIGGEST INSPIRATION WHEN IT COMES TO WRITING? My mutuals! The more threads and questions thrown at me, the more I have to write about. With Tekken, other than the Mishimas, most characters aren’t that fully developed. Bryan is merely just a machine that lives for the thrill, I want to go beyond that, As I’ve mentioned before, I want to write him as a man who struggles between his human side and his mechanical side. He has emotions, he’s been hurt, betrayed, he knows how dirty the world can be. But he wants to connect with people (his wiki actually says that he prefers solitude, but I headcannon him with abandonment issues-I mean he did get really upset and pissed off when Dr. Abel left him). I think one of the biggest inspirations is trying to figure out just who the hell Bryan Fury really is. 

FAVOURITE TYPES OF THREADS: Absolutely angst. Bryan Fury is not a happy person, he probably never will, he suffers, he hurts, he kills, he destroys, but deep down, he’s a man that’s been hurt. I want angst threads with Lei never returning his feelings and dying in Lei’s arms, I want them to reconnect and Lei is disgusted by his madness. I want Sergei and Bryan to fall in love and Bryan struggles with his insecurities, while trying to manage a relationship when he’s so misanthropic. I can do fluffy, too, I’m versatile. It’s smut I’m a little leery about. Sure, I’m of age, but the last time I tried to do smut with another RP blog, the mun got a little too attached and it was hard for them to differenciate reality and rp. Kinda turned me away from those kind of threads. I mean we can work through anything, I’m up for anything, but I prefer angst over anything else. 

BIGGEST STRUGGLE IN REGARDS TO YOUR CURRENT MUSE: Going too OOC with Bryan. We all know he’s the lovable monster who lives to maim and kill. He wouldn’t care about Lei not liking him, he probably doesn’t give two shits about Sergei, and he’d probably prefer to live out the rest of his days alone. He’s an undead cyborg without emotions, but I don’t like his person just being that. I want to show the struggle, I want to show his feelings, his emotions, see the world through his eyes, see how and why he became the person that he is. He’s complicated, but he doesn’t have much development beyond the guy that kills things for shits and giggles. I guess it helps that both Bryan and I see the world in similar ways, same thing with Hwoarang. They’re my muse babies, and I try to put my views on both of them. 

TAGGED BY: @a-beast-of-prey thanks luv! 

TAGGING: You! Have at it :) 

#ask the mun #ooc/ic

[akaanonymouth]

Things I’m Working On...

List all the things you’re currently working on in as much or little detail as you’d like, then tag some friends to see what they’re working on. This can be writing, art, vids, gifsets, whatever…

I’ve not been tagged, but I was making a list of things I’m writing because I’m driving myself insane opening 43 docs and forgetting what idea/ story/ whatever goes where and then spending more time reading and cutting things than actually writing so…. what better place to make a note! (It may be a loooong note! I mean, like, I’m talking through my ideas here because nothing’s actually finished, so feel free to wither jump in and provide input, or just keep scrolling now!) Berena

Berena and the Fletchlings: As you may know, one little “Berena dancing in the kitchen” idea escalated into a 7,000odd word fluff fest involving the Fletchlings, then Berena took them all swimming, and now my brain seems to insist on inserting some Fletchling interaction at almost every opportunity, so I named it a series, and since I named it a series, I haven’t managed to finish a single idea, haha!  But, here’s what I got in the pipeline: (Actually I will put this under a cut to save people’s dashes, because I have a lot of ideas to work through and I’ve apparently lost a verbal filter alongside gaining a mental health issue, who knew! Sorry! Anyhoo:

-Evie’s Birthday:  She wants to attend a festival. Fletch is dead set against it, Evie’s obviously having a meltdown, so is Fletch, Serena steps in. Decides to throw a mini fest in her house/ garden, and gets most Holby staff involved. Bernie convinces Charlotte to come, because Charlotte can play guitar and sing, and Elinor is also persuaded, because she can sing and play piano and Serena’s set up a gazebo like a stage, but there’s also a piano in the living room, and it turns out Bernie can also play the piano because have you seen her hands?! Anyway, they have mad fun all day, Ric and Sacha do an ‘oldie’ set, etc etc. I’ll stop there with all the details otherwise no one will want to read it when it finally gets done properly! But it’ll include Bernie and Serena dancing, to new and old songs, and Ellie is all like “eww” but Evie’s all moon-eyes and explains what she sees to Ellie, and Charlotte is persuaded by Cam to play an acoustic version of his favourite song and…. basically a lot of Bernie and Serena  eye sex, slow dancing in bubbles they create for themselves, and Evie just being crazy about her OTP. I haven’t decided yet if Berena are established, or whether it should be another sort of “intervention/ dawning realisation” type thing, so if anyone wants to add their thoughts, or message me for more details, PLEASE feel free to! 

- Bra shopping: I was going to keep the “fletchlings” series relatively angst-free, but this one, canon-compliant with Elinor’s death, is bugging me. Serena promises to take Evie bra shopping; does take Evie bra shopping on the following Saturday. Bernie goes with them. It’s Mother’s Day the next day, and they see shops full of Mother’s Day paraphernalia etc. They have a lovely time shopping but towards the end, melancholy/ anger/ grief sets in, so Bernie does little things to keep them in the here and now, not really knowing what else to do. When they’re heading home, they detour through the park, and come across Mikey in an altercation with a few other older boys. They’re picking on him, and Bernie steps in (BMAM!) and they start to take the piss, but she sends them off, then Mikey turns his anger onto her, and she encourages him (a bit like the speech she gave Serena in the toilets) and he fights her; breaks down; they head back to Serena’s. There’s silent cuddles, angst, but loving. Etc and all that. 

- The as-yet-wholly-unformed-idea whereupon Evie still wants to move in with Serena, is in love with Berena, as in, the actual ship, as well as them as individuals, and loves spending time with them. She’s made aware that maybe she is intruding, so she tries not to encroach so much, but Bernie messages her asking if she wants to go to the cinema one night, and she just… Yeah, The One Where Evie is the Berena Fandom Incarnate (and gets to bask in their presence for weekends at a time). May tie this in with the drabble I wrote about Evie giving Serena a friendship bracelet after Elinor died, with green for Bernie weaved through it, then she does the same for Bernie.

If anyone has any Berena + Fletchlings ideas they’d like to see written, pop me a line, and I’ll try my best :)

Untitled WIP:

1) Comedy of sorts. Half the hospital staff are sick to the back teeth of Serena and Bernie tiptoeing around each other, because please, as much as they both liked to preach from their pedestals that they were only being professional and didn’t want the hospital, the trauma unit, AAU, the patients, the bloody agency nurse who turned up now and again to suffer, suffer they were. Especially those that kept stumbling into the middle of serious eye fucking sessions and half-finished sentences. It had to stop.  In which Zosia’s taken it upon herself to be Bernie’s fairy godmother (and if she gets a good few snogs out of Jac along the way, all the better), and the staff come up with, frankly, ludicrous ways to get B&S together, even employing Mrs. B as a seductress. Why no one just talked to Jason, I don’t know…

2) If Holby writers can steal Doctors on The Roof from ER, then I can steal Stinky the dog from it, and give him a storyline with Serena and Bernie. (Or, The One where Serena gains a dog and a Wolfe). Kerry Weaver ended up taking home a dog called Stinky from a tramp that died, and I’ve apparently based a whole story on that idea. Also I love Kerry Weaver.)

3) In which Serena loses the point of Texas Hold ‘Em because she’s too busy wondering what Texas holds, exactly? Bernie tells her to add it to her Google list….. And I’ve lost the plot a bit with this one, but Im sure it’ll come back (or it is already here, trapped in the wrong document!)

3) Smut fic. Pure smut. There is nothing but smut. I mean, at a push, it could be described as character exploration through sexual situations, character development via sex…. basically I’m just writing a multi-chap fic about Serena and Bernie having sex in the here-and-now, and harking back to various ‘first-time’s’ as it comes up in their conversation.  (Can I work “fight on your feet or die on your knees” into this? I think I can. I can see Serena saying this.) 4) Smut fic. Yes, like the above. But, I found I was thinking about their lives post-Elinor death, and what impacts that would have. This is a bit darker. Not harrowing, and with as happy ending as anyone could have with a dead child, but still, dark enough to warrant being a separate story.

5) The obligatory stuck-in-a-lift-fic that I have never written for any of my OTPs before, so feel it’s beyond time that I give it a go. Mingling it with the “sweaty, vigorous passion” episode, substituting Raf for Bernie :) 

6) Angst. In which Bernie uses Jason to determine Serena’s mental state, because whatever is happening, Serena does not lie to Jason.  Wrote the idea for this when Elinor first died, so I don’t know if I’ll finish. Just a one-shot, to try to explain to myself where their relationship was, where Bernie’s level of concern was at, at the time.

7) After a whole day of being majorly, ridiculously excited about the post, I am writing a perfume-based story haha!

8) I’m not technically working on this one, because I don’t watch Dr Who religiously, and I’m not a massive, massive fan, but I couldn’t get rid of this thought: Serena is all bitter and sad, and Kate Stewart turns up like “Somewhere in your memory is a woman called Bernie Wolfe….” In order to be happy and save herself (and Holby or the world, if that’s your bag) Serena must remember Bernie, must remember her timeline for her actual reality to realign again, because Bernie is Serena’s soulmate, but not only that, Bernie and Serena’s relationship has a direct impact on Kate’s lineage (or something, it’s all about the timey-wimey shit that I haven’t figured out) and so Serena absolutely has to remember that Bernie was wiped from her memory, because it’s the only thing that’ll bring her back.  I’m probably never going to even attempt to start this one, but I would read the shit out of it if anyone could do it?!

9) I nearly forgot about this one!  Actresses AU. Whereupon Serena and Bernie, and the rest of the cast, are the actors in a medical drama. Serena and Bernie’s story remains theirs, but there are eerie similarities between them and their character storylines. Bernie remains married for much longer, her character is written out of the show they play in for an indefinite amount of time because she does a moonlight flit, etc. Angst, slow burn. Not entirely sure how this will play out; it’s one I think I’d like to finish completely before posting.

Aaaand I’ll end there. Maybe I’ll do a separate post for the HP, DWP and ER fics that I’ve either temporarily (does 7 years count as temporary?!) abandoned,  completely lost, or thought so much about that I think they already exist and am horrifically surprised when they do not (hello, me Voyager fics, too, haha!)

Not tagging anyone, but I’m always grateful to read what other people are up to! God bless anyone that’s made it this far!

#anonymouth #writing #too many ideas not enough time or confidence to follow them through #berena fic

[cerebusfire17]

Progression and Recovery 3-20-17

TL;DR I’ve figured out it never mattered that ***** isn’t here. There are other people, and also, I probably am better off not being friends with a whore. <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Okay, so after the whole thing with my coworker (Where she was actually considerate and curious about my daughter, Alice), my mind is slowly but steadily going back to the way it was, and all of my emotions are finally getting set back into place.

Which is good, because being emotional and shit really pisses me off. I can’t think right, and it just clouds my judgement completely. I don’t understand or even know why my mind calmed and I felt so much of the burden lessen, but it did, and it made me realize something....

***** really IS A BITCH!

Okay, so check it out: I think it was last Saturday or some shit, right? And I go and make a new twitter cause I wanted to do some ARGs. I deleted my old one because of ****** (the bitch) but I started into some new stuff on Youtube, and I decided to make a new one just to play the games.

GUESS WHO JUST HAPPENS TO SHOW UP UNDER WHATEVER THE FUCK TWITTER FEATURES AS A SUGGESTION?! The bitch.

So, like a cheetah hunting on the savannah, or safari, or wherever the fuck they hunt, I start stalking the shit outta her twitter, and two dates: January 15 and January 16. The last I talked to ***** was January 13, two days after my birthday. (I just now remembered that she didn’t even have the balls to say happy birthday to me. Cunt) January 15 said “I want to lift people up, and surround myself with people just like that. January 16 said, “Well, I’m alone, but it’s better to be alone than have a toxic friend and keep hanging on.”

Bitch, are you fucking retarded?  The answer is FUCKING YES, YOU ARE!

How do you want to lift some people up, but not the ones you’ve known for over a decade, specifically one who’s done whatever they could for your selfish ass, you ungrateful bitch. Do you know how many times I got my ass beat by my dad for taking food from the church and giving it to you because I knew you guys were starving? EVERY SINGLE TIME! Second, What the fuck do you mean by “toxic?” I keep trying to think of some meaning to that word, but it doesn’t have any. It’s a fucking label, and I HATE labels, especially ones used against me by the very people who possibly define it to a goddamn T.

It wasn’t until yesterday, when that nurse just wanted to talk to me as a person and showed consideration, did I realize that THAT is what I needed from ***** , that I found that I didn’t need at all. The validation, I think is what it was now that I’m writing this, is what gave me so much peace. It’s addictive, and I want to talk to about her more to people who might know about her. It was never about *****; it was about having someone believe she is and was just as alive and well as I am. I want people to know she exists so she never can die, at least in my heart anyway.

That’s what made me so angry in the beginning. I could give a shit less about the relationship now, but my daughter.... she was important, and I felt that if ***** didn’t saying anything about her, she didn’t exist. But to have that nurse talk to me about her changed that for me. She doesn’t feel like a hallucination anymore, a bad dream. She feels so much more real. I can only hope that if there is an afterlife, and I do end up in hell, that, if there is a god, he’ll let me hold her one more time before I go. If I could hold her in my arms and tell her I love her to the moon and back just one more time, I would be so grateful and eternally happy. I love her so much, nobody will ever know, and not many can actually come to terms to understand completely. 

When her mom told me that ***** was “heartbroken” that I lost Alice, I wanted to leave the hospital and strangle her to death, then bring her back, and stab her to death. She doesn’t have the RIGHT to be heartbroken. She doesn’t know what that word really is. She didn’t lose her best friend; I did. She didn’t lose her child; I did, while she still has her son. I have to live in fear of trying to get pregnant again and losing another daughter or even a son, while all she has to fear is whether or not I would ever try to talk to her again... which I won’t.

Over all of this, I have a theory. She’s doing all of this on purpose, because I won’t be with her, and my life is driving her nuts. 

Okay, so years ago, back in, I believe, 2014-- I’m living with my sis-in-law, my husband is in jail over doing something really, really, really goddamn stupid, and my best friend, currently living in NY, is getting ready to move down to the WV, yes. (I’m a born and raised West Virginia resident. Yes, I still have all of my teeth. No, I’m black. Yes, black people do live in West Virginia.) My husband, Matt, and I aren’t getting along. Literally went months not speaking to each other, mostly his fault by his own admission, but I still have some responsibility of being an asshole in the whole thing. I was barely scraping by, with a leech of a sis-in-law when it came to funds (To the point where I had to never mention money or how much I had around her. They never even knew I got a student loan while I lived there.), and a dealing with a husband that wouldn’t call or write back (he had a reason, he just didn’t tell me about it until later). His last letter to me wanted me to send money after we’d gone a while without talking. I would put whatever I could on commissary, but what he was asking for just made me want curl up in a ball and cringe. He made a confession about a situation that had been bugging me for a while, that made me think he was cheating before he went to jail. Our marriage was getting bad, and this letter made me feel like I was worthless. Worse, he wanted me to write a letter, pretending to be wanting a divorce, but it didn’t say why.

Fuck. No.

Why the hell would I write something like that in my own handwriting? So you can use it to pick up bitches? Is that what we’re doing? I’m not going to do something that would incriminate me as the asshole in something like that. I told ***** about it via the power of the Skype. I was angry and hurt and I didn’t understand what the hell his problem was or why he wasn’t telling me what was going on. I was lost, and she agreed that it was fucked up that I was being ignored and not told what the problem was (Interesting how the morals of the value have changed over the years, I should say)

Now, normally, what friends do is, you know, try to comfort you as best they can, even though its really awkward to have a snivling adult crying in front of you. My friend--My VERY best friend--asked me why I never told her I had feelings for her. “Uh, cause you always bitched about people trying to get with you.” was one answer I gave her. Another was “Plus, you turned me down like two years ago, remember?” Matt and I had broken up for a couple months before we got back together, and I had tried to talk ***** into hooking up. She declined and I backed off back to the friendzone where I belong. 

Which is fine, because I built a condo there, and nobody fucking bothers me. But now my friend is asking about a relationship with me, and I was pissed at my husband so it was like, “Fuck it, and fuck him.” ***** and I gave each other fictional names: Camel and Rose. If you can’t tell, I suck at naming on the spot, and Camel was the first thing I thought about for some reason. We roleplayed it like an RP, with Camel telling Rose, “I don’t need you to give me anything, I just want you.” and it was all cute, but then I started thinking of Matt.

Eventually, ***** did get back to Wv and stayed with her dad for a while. Once she got back, we kinda got drunk and made out. Twice. Her boobs are pretty soft too. But never sober, which is weird for me cause if I’m into you, I try to stay sober if anything could happen. ***** had to be drunk in order to kiss me. That was the first red flag.

Like, don’t get me wrong here. I’m the asshole in this situation for even participating in this while being married and I know better. And as much as I was enjoying the fantasy of finally getting the girl I’ve been wanting for years, Matt was more important than her. When I was flirting with her, I would think of what he would say in response, his humor, his way of looking at me with his light blue eyes, how he would tell me how much he loved me. Flirting with her made me miss him. I didn’t want her anymore, I wanted him. Whether it was written on my face or not, I’m not sure. I wanted him to say something, after three months of silence I needed him to say something.

So, I wrote a super mean letter to him, telling him I’m actually contemplating fucking my friend when she got back home because he’s being a silent asshole, and I made sure to list as much embarrassing shit as possible to get the point across that if you piss me off, I will make you friends laugh and feel bad for you. They read letters out loud in jail. 

He responded rather quickly, and in a pissed off way.

He was mad that I put out such personal shit that he shouldn’t have told me if he didn’t want me telling people in the first place. He was mad that I wouldn’t listen to him. He was mad that I wanted him to make a choice. He was mad that I didn’t understand what HE was going through, even though he hasn’t told me shit. He was mad that I let others know that a letter about faking a divorce. He was mad that I would leave him for a chick and I should just go ahead and do it if I meant it. He was mad that I would be so disloyal to him. He was mad that I stopped writing him after he stopped writing me. He was mad that I, struggling with paying leftover bills with a shit job at Hardee’s while his sister and her husband were sucking me dry finacially, was expecting him to be concerned with my situation when he was having a hard time in jail--which nothing he has mentioned previously has given any hint of that! He was mad because I blamed him for my crying, which was one of the first things he apologized for later on. He was mad about a lot of things. 

On the next page he started on the day after, he was calm, and he realized what was going on was partly his fault. He ended up calling me, and we wasted nearly $30 talking about everything and what we were going to do. He was still pretty upset about the pod getting to hear all that embarrassing shit, and I apologized for doing it, but it got his attention. I also apologized about what I was doing with ***** and told him everything, and he forgave me for, without skipping a beat. I still feel bad about it to this day, but I’m so happy he gave me another chance, even though I don’t think I deserve it at all. He did his best to explain that people in the jail were fucking with people, trying to blackmail them into having family members send money. I told my husband he was a fucking idiot for not saying anything. He said I should have realized what was going on sooner, which he’s probably right. we talked about the next I could visit, and we made a date, and gave our “I love you” and goodbyes.

The next day after getting the letter and talking to my husband on the phone, I talk to ***** via the almighty Skype and savior, and she starts telling me she feels guilty about everything and shit, right? I feel the same way, but as I’m about to tell her that I talked to Matt, She tells me, “I’m sorry, but the only way we would be together anyway is if you divorced Matt. If you want to do that, dude, that’s up to you, but I’m not going to encourage it.”

“Oh?” Bitch, what? No, seriously, what the fuck did you just say? I sat there, looking at her, trying to find words as to who the fuck she thought she was. I’m married and I’m being selfish, okay? I have two people in my heartstrings and shit, but I don’t believe I would ever have the audacity to make a passive-aggressive demand that someone leave their spouse for my pussy. It is not made of gold, it is just regular unleaded. Also, how the hell are you going to tell me you feel guilty after essentially starting an affair, and then turning around and saying you don’t want to “encourage” it. No, “continue.” Continue is the correct word you want to use, because it was already established. We crossed the line of flirting when we made out those times before, so as far as I’m concerned, we do have an affair because I feel like I cheated on my husband. Plus, it was more of an emotional affair than anything else, but an affair nontheless. 

Now, this isn’t totally crazy to say, but I’ve never had sex with this girl. Ever. I’ve just had a hidden lady boner for the past 15 years and I was cool with it. She was like my muse, but with Wifi and anime to watch. We’ve always just been friends. I’ve never had a different type of relationship with her other than that, so for her to ask me to leave a man I’d been with since 2009 and got five years in at that moment is kinda fucky.

What also kinda threw me was the fact that she had just gotten out of a relationship. JUST. Like, not even a month, and that relationship was a red flag itself, along with many other parts of all the relationships in her life. The guy she was with, Tyler, was best friends with George, ***** ’s ex boyfriend right before Tyler. And when I say right before, I mean they started fucking right before she moved out of the house of the guy she was still fucking...but he didn’t know that. And technically, Tyler chose her over his best friend, fucking up their relationship, possibly beyond repair--which I’ll never know cause I lost contact with both dudes over the years.

And that’s not the first story of her fucking over former flames either. There was a time--Actually when I was visiting her in NY is when she finally admitted the truth-- when she told me an ex, Jamison, hit her and she was done with him. Waaaay later though, she ends up telling me that she was smacking and shoving at him over and over, yelling “hit me” until he did it. Then she got with George. Then she broke up with George, and then moved in with George into his parents house. Then she meets Tyler.... Then there was Joey. She claimed he broke up with her because her house burned down and he didn’t want to be with a homeless girl. I thought it was weird, because she told me the day before that Joey wanted to move to Ohio with her, that he wanted to stay with her. I see the dude’s sister the next day and she’s telling me how heartbroken her brother is because ***** broke up with him. And then there’s Maria.... That’s an interesting story I’m not going to get into, but I digress;

The crazy bitch started to bring other things up to, like telling my family about our relationship because she would want them to know (Even though I was 26 at the time and an adult living somewhat on my own.) and that she doesn’t want to hide a lesbian relationship. Okay, I’m a fucking adult, and I don’t care who knows who I’m with, but there’s a two year warranty, okay? I didn’t tell my family about Matt until two years after we’d been together, okay? What the fuck makes you think you’re that special when we haven’t even been together yet for you to feel like a goddamn princess. I wouldn’t bring just anyone to my parents and be like “I hope you like this one. It lubricates it’s own motor instead of being a dipstick!” These are my parents: I’m not just going to bring whoever gave me an orgasm to them and present that person like they’re worthy enough to meet them. My parents are always going to be more important than any fuck I bring home, and they deserve better than a bitch who’s going to try and talk me out of my marriage.

Also, my father is a pastor, so that wouldn’t have been good. If it were to come down to alienating my family and possibly being disowned vs having my family in my life and staying the private person I am, the latter is more appropriate. I can fuck whoever I want, but only one set of people are going to take the time to smack the shit out of me and tell me to “watch” what I say or be introduced to the ground. And, unlike ***** , my parents showed up to the funeral  and actually give a shit about me as a person!

Then, she starts talking about her STD: Herpes. I didn’t even know she had contracted that, and that was YEARS ago when it happened. Now, I don’t really know if she was telling the truth about having the disease or if she was trying to make a test of my resolve, but either way I had to think about that. I’ve always tried to be with a person at least a year before going into the whole “no protection” thing, and I was finicky about that shit. Diseases everywhere, yet people want to keep fucking without a safety net, and It made me wonder  wtf.

Now, for a week, I had been making her videos (privately) about my issues and what actually has happened in my life to make me a bit “nuts” over the years. Later on that evening, after our weird conversation, I made a video for her to watch that had to do with not only my mental disorders and illnesses, but also talked about my molestation at 4 by a relative. Ten minutes after uploading the video, my friend--the woman who was trying to talk to me about leaving my husband and how I need to tell my parents about the non-existent “us,” and how I would need to handle her having herpes--tells me to stop sending those videos, that she “doesn’t have time for your bullshit. I have my own problems to deal with and I’m not about to deal with yours too. You need to go to a doctor, and stop making these. Either get what you want to say off your chest, or stop trying to talk to me about them.” She even went and elaborated that she was “not Matt.” 

Her being “not Matt” is the exact reason she couldn’t, wouldn’t, and will never take that man’s place.

I LITERALLY made a (extremely private and personal video about my life, which had things I hadn’t even shared with my husband yet) video about all of my troubles and childhood horrors, but this bitch wants me to accept an STD for her sake. Mind you, I haven’t even told her that Matt and I had talked and reconciled and shit, so she has no idea that she’s even sealed the deal that we would never be together. The way she reacted to the things I was telling her--and when I say telling, I mean, I would send her stuff and she never bothered to watch or take the time to fucking listen, the dumb bitch--was like dealing with my father, which is amazing being that he and ***** are both Libras. I’m a Capricorn who was also raised by a Virgo mother, so for anyone wanting to know how that went.

I ended up telling her to forget everything and not to bother. I don’t open up to people about things like that, and the stories behind some of them were really private, and she just tossed them away because she couldn’t be fucked. As I said before, ***** was my muse, and I would draw pictures of her, write poetry, flatter her to watch what beautiful face could be fueled for inspiration. But after her words, NOPE!

Fuck that shit. Ive never once blew off her issues [QUESTIONABLE] when she spoke to me about them, but for me to unload my burden for someone else to lift me up some? Nope. My husband has taken my issues and kept me going. he knows a lot--not everything, but enough to let me sleep at night. That’s a rare thing, and I’m lucky. I wouldn’t have gotten that kinda comfort and help from her. It didn’t fit her fantasy. How could I want to be with someone who won’t help me through my problems when I need them the most, just listening when I need them to. If she couldn’t even take the time to try and see if she could handle my issues with me, what’s the point. We would drive each other mad.

At some point, like a week after the letter and the call, we were on Skype on high and I finally told her about the letter. “Oh, well that’s great!” She said with a really chipper voice, but her face, and the way she said it... It bothered me. It struck with a sensation that was similar to how she responded to my admissions of insanity via the YouTube. It was completely the same. She was smiling, but she didn’t mean it. She sounds happy, but it doesn’t sound authentic, but practiced. 

Then, things took a strange turn. A couple months after that, ***** meets up with her husband, and they get married after being together a month. Her husband left a girl he was already engaged to in order to be with ***** .

I say again: HE LEFT HIS FIANCE IN ORDER TO BE WITH ***** . I would assume there’s a bit of a pattern here if I weren’t stupid, you know? And I’m pretty sure I’m not. And it almost seemed like a crazy move to make too. She just gets married? Just like that? Mind you, they’ve been friends since childhood, but really? Really? You don’t know a person until you live with them for an excessive amount of time. I don’t know how I would feel if I married someone after a month of dating. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m thinking too much into it, but I believe ***** got married to make me jealous somehow. Like I said it could be wrong, but it was just a move that didn’t make any fucking sense.

When she got prego with her son, I was jealous and wasn’t there as much as I should have been, but it was hard to deal with. I’ve always wanted to be a mother, at some point in life. My best friend was going to have a child, and then soon after other friends started having their own kids. Eventually, after %%%%% was born, Matt and I started trying. I got pregnant in April and lost that baby in june/july. We tried again and got pregnant in October with my daughter, Alice. I was excited.

I told ***** about it as soon as I found out. I told her everything first. I talked to **** about my baby all of the time. And then, in January, she decides to ditch me for no fucking reason.

Yesterday, when that Nurse came up to ask about my daughter and talk to me, she gave me something I thought I would never have and that I can never be given to me by ***** . My dear old friend abandoned me for no reason but for her own selfish reasons, but it’s not because of me. She calls me toxic, but we rarely saw each other and spoke through texts often, and sometimes didn’t get back to each other immediately and that was okay. Well, it was okay until she did it for days at a time, and then would call me to tell me she was upset that I wouldn’t call her or contact her in some manner more often. You would think toxicity wouldn’t be on a “every once and a while” kinda thing, you know?

My husband recently lamented with anger that he was pissed at the fact that ***** made the suggestion of me leaving the relationship for her. “If it were cheating, I would understand that and I wouldn’t be so upset about that. But telling someone ‘oh, you break up with your husband and we can be together’ is just fucked up. That’s just so you don’t have to feel like you’re a cheater is all.” Matt hadn’t really liked hanging out with ***** since then, and this situation makes him not like her at all. It’s rare that my husband hates someone, and I’m not sure he would admit to me completely either, but the way he talks about her now...

To be fair, I don’t blame him for not liking her at all. I don’t think he should be completely okay with me, but he did forgive me, but his anger goes more to her than to me. I’m not blaming @@@@@ for leaving his fiance for ******, but there seems to be a habit on her part of ruining other people’s relationships in order to get someone she caught her eye on, which is insane and I never realized it until I started telling my husband all of this. 

I had never had a reason to imply that my friend was a homewreaker, on a regular, but then again, she never really pissed me off either. Like my dad always said, “A friend to everyone is a friend to no one”? She knew what to say, I think, because we knew each other for so long, but looking back, all of her responses were generalized and only encouraged my mentality if anything, which is more confusing if she thinks I’m toxic. Why encourage the behavior if you don’t like it? The idea that, if someone slighted her, I would ignore a person if I believed they didn’t have a right to treat her unfairly plays heavy in my mind, because right now one of her sister in laws are playing the same game I would for her. As soon as I tried to ask her what was happening, she blocked me and refused to talk, and I swear it was like watching myself do something, and feeling bad for it.

None of the people I left behind ever came for answers, but then again, I would at least answer them before cutting the off. Something ***** doesn’t have the will or the courtesy to do for anyone she finds “useless”. In the end, she didn’t care about my daughter and she didn’t care at all about me. It still bothers me that she won’t even say my daughter’s name and understand she was important and a person, but that would mean giving me some solace, and she can’t do that. No, treating a person like a human being after they didn’t give you what you wanted is uncalled for in these times. She’s forgotten what it means to need people, because she now has a token for people wanting to have something to do with her, and it’s the very thing she ‘s going to end up hating very very soon. That token is going to make her realize how much she’ll hate herself. Reflection can be a bitch if you don’t take the time to be aware of who and what you are and what you’re doing with yourself.

My old friend, whom I believed loved and endeared me, proved herself as not to be the case; she can make you believe that she has interests, but they’re as shallow as her compassion is visual. The fact that she won’t even tell me what her problem is--Now that my brain is semi-functional at the moment--tells me that this isn’t about me. Over all these years, she’s been the first to tell me when I’ve done something wrong, and I’ve always responded in the way she believed would justify the action, but now is nothing but silence. It’s the words of a coward and a vindictive person.

To leave someone in the anguish of silence on purpose is fucked up; to FORCE a person into the anguish of silence is fucked up. If ***** wants to be alone or whatever the fuck, that’s fine and I wouldn’t have argued that, but to just leave without a word and forcing me to have nobody else to talk to about things that go on in a flash and not even show any compassion over my daughter is what an evil person does.

To call me toxic for being who I am is what an evil person does. What I am is not a reason to suddenly treat me like trash, you know? in the end, she would always say “I love your brain” and it made me want to punch and break her goddamn nose. What do you mean, you “love my brain”? what about the rest of me? What about my goals, my dreams, my nightmares, my issues? what about my personality, which stems from this fucking brain, which you call “Toxic”? What, you love my brain whenever it’s convenient for you, or when you need inspiration for what you’re feeling? Was I only there to coax you along, thinking that if I was around you could feed off of this brain? Did you believe this brain wouldn’t one day turn around and snap at you for doing what it considers wrong and painful? Because I’ve been in pain this entire time, pain you can’t even imagine. Losing two of the most important people in my life has changed the fuck out of me and I’m not the same person I thought I was. Everything is so different, including how I see myself.

I know I’m not the best person, but I try  to be a good person. I don’t fuck anyone over because it’s happen to me so much. I don’t hurt people who don’t deserve to get hurt, because I know what it’s like. I don’t try to interfere with other people’s lives, because nobody seems to bother with mine (until recently. now it seems more people cared than I thought). I sure as fuck know I wouldn’t do some shit to you as you’ve done to me. Unlike you, I don’t look at people like their a trait or a book character with really good background development. I’m a person: with emotions and thoughts, a paradigm of complexity that has developed over years of experience and nurturing and critical thinking with rationalization that has continued on with the developement of my growth to this very fucking day. “Toxic” is not what I am, it’s a description of something, and I am more than just a fucking description! 

I’m pessimistic, cynical, a total fucking cunt, make really morbid and dry humor jokes at others expense, I say fuck a lot, I’ve listened to people and done shit that I’m absolutely ashamed of, I’ve been the other woman and got my ass beat like I deserved and learned the hard way that you don’t try to interfere with someone else’s relationship and I never did it again. I have learned over the years through my own stupid actions not to fuck people over because it hurts people. You have yet to learn what I’ve learn. You’ve never tried to venture out and try to find people to communicate with; I have. Unlike you, I do struggle with connecting with people, and the ways I’ve gone about it have always fucked me over and that’s my fault entirely and I have to accept that and live with that everyday I’m on this planet. You use your shy nature to say you can’t be around people, but the exact opposite is true. I’ve had panic attacks in front of you so many times, and most of those times you’ve never even noticed it was because there was more than 4 people in a small ass room, or because someone was talking about something that just caused me to think of some fucked up shit. Never once have I ever remembered you asking me if I were okay. Someone else did. Someone else who was in the room did. If there was no one there, you ignored it. I remember that so fucking well.

See, unlike *****, I’ll stick around with a toxic person, even when they hurt me over and over. Unlike *****, I’ve never been good with goodbyes. Unlike *****, I guess I care too much. Idk, I’m venting a lot and coming off as a psychopath--which in all fairness, I am, but I don’t have anyone else to talk to about this, in a way that just says what I want to say but can’t. I don’t know, words can’t explain it, not verbally anyway. I have so much more in my head. I don’t think ***** is inherently evil, but I just don’t think she knows the shit she does has impact and doesn’t want to think about it, and that makes her evil. She has good traits.... I just can’t think of any of them anymore. It’s not that they’re gone, its just that I’m so fucking angry at you for this shit that they don’t matter anymore.

I swear to christ, if Wrath was a zodiac sign, Capricorn would be spot on. “The Grudge” by Tool describes it perfectly, and I don’t think I’ll ever get over that. The fact that my daughter died knowing that kind of pain and sorrow.... Just writing that make me want to punch a wall, man. She should have never had to know those feelings, ever, and you forced her to go through that less than a month before she died, and AAAARRRGH!

Okay, I’m going to chill before I piss myself off. I’m trying to deal with all of this, it’s just hard to, you know? It’s really, really hard, and I’m trying not to be too harsh in this, cause you know I’m a fucking nut and “toxic”, but I want some justice somewhere. I just want to feel like I have to say it out loud, because you’re part of the story of what happened to my child, whether you and I like it or not. I can’t think of Alice without thinking of you, and that’s hard. I don’t want to be angry anymore, but you haven’t been much help either.

I hope I can get over the anger, but I know I can get over you. I’ve been working on this for the past week, a little at a time, having to come back once I’ stopped being so angry and crying. I’m only a month and some odd days Post Partum, so I’m not going to be the same, and you will never understand how this feels. Nowhere close. You don’t know that empty can be an emotion too, and it’s worse than any depression you could face. Empty is like space.

Okay! I’m done. I will do my best not to bring this up again, unless I need to vent, or if something else could possibly happen, in which case hopefully nothing ends up being greasy shit going on. Trying to stay away from the fucky, so far.

Have a good one. Except for *****, go fuck yourself.