a dead language lives inside of me now. half-finished jokes handmade for her to complete, pain written in a way she always read so well. someone else finishes my thought, and I start to say, “HERE WE GO AGAIN” before I remember I’m talking to someone who isn’t her. I started laughing recently when I remembered a story about someone in a dorm groupchat, and the laugh wilted in my chest when I remembered I don’t have anyone to share it with.
taylor swift releases a new album in october and the first thing I wanted to do was text her about it. not because I’m a huge taylor swift fan, but because she is, and I wanted to experience her excitement secondhand, I wanted to crawl inside of her brain; I wanted to love the things she loves. in the same way, i hear about the tragedies, and i wonder if there is anyone with her who is understanding her particular language of grief. i don’t get to be there anymore, but i still know what her pain sounds like. and i still know what her love sounds like. i still know how to speak it back. does anyone else? no one else does for me, not like her.
what do you do when you’ve already loved the best person you’ll ever meet? do you hold your breath, try to wait for someone who is (impossibly) better? do you spend your life measuring everyone you meet to the bar she set? or do you resign yourself to it? do you tell yourself she was your favorite thing to ever happen to you and now it’s gone and it’s going to be like that until you die, and if you’re lucky, you’ll get to try again in a next life? maybe you tell yourself you’re dramatic and catastrophic. maybe you go to sleep so you don’t have to think about it anymore. maybe you lie to yourself and tell yourself this can still be salvaged, just so the ache eases enough to sleep at all.
she once asked me for a writing prompt. I threw the word “entropy” out there and she spun it into art. it’s prettier than this will ever be, but here’s what I’ve got: the universe favors disorder. we are alive because our systems remain ordered, and when that splinters, we become sick. that room that took hours to clean became messy in a snap. and that relationship we spent so long building, that love and language so tenderly developed, died in days.
she wrote that she thinks of entropy as “the preprogrammed desire to escape.” I wonder if that’s what it was that got us in the end. all the love in the world, straining against that desire. I hope the escape is good for her. I hope the chaos treats her well. and I hope it’s better than what it’s been for me.
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やれやれ
Sorry for all the Saiki k poses but it’s like all I’m thinking about rn
Mikoto being his soul mate but like they’re actually just like. Platonic soulmates and forever close and he calls her aiura no suffix and hhhhhhh. Like them being together but Saiki asexual and aiura just loves him and they’re best friends and I’m just like having emotions over them lately. Like he felt close and became friends easily. One of those marry ur best friend but like it’s like idk. Not even romantic but if you kinda can’t see yourself as spending the rest of your life with anyone else.
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Things about yesterday’s episode that also made me insane but I was too distracted by Sabito and Baby Giyuu to freak out about :
How endearing is it that when directly asked, Tanjiro (known walking Antidepressant) is uncertain of his ability to cheer someone up. Like little buddy. You looked at Genya the right way for 4 seconds and it fixed his whole shit. You’ll be fine
Him waiting outside Giyuu’s house and just not giving up on him. Giyuu being so unfamiliar with kindness he straight up thought he heard Tanjiro wrong when he said he was coming in
Tanjiro sitting damn near knee-to-knee with him. Giyuu staring at his knees like *internally* personal space personal space personal sp
SHINOBUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Honestly I was never huge on her character and felt kinda like I was forcing myself to like her because she’s a rare female character in the show but I always liked Mitsuri better
UNTIL I SAW THAT EYE TWITCH. LIKE OK MISS GIRL WE ALL NEED A LOBOTOMY SOMETIMES 💖
But fr the potential for some female rage here is off the CHARTS. Sanemi please grab her by the shoulders like ‘ARENT YOU TIRED OF BEING NICE? DONT YOU JUST WANNA GO APESHIT?
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I have said this before but me being self proclaimed number 1 Ryoma fan and that being possibly literal-bc even if this bro had fans before me I might’ve simply done the most for him by talking about him so much + being the first to write fics that are in depth studies on his trauma across canons-I gotta say if there’s one other character I rotate a lot that isn’t him it’s probably Kei. (Shocking it’s not Hayato even if I do think about him too- but it’s usually associated with Ryoma bc gays 🗿)
I’m not even exaggerating when I say Kei would be my favorite and only isn’t because she doesn’t exist in many other canons yet my brain rotates the endless possibilities of how to incorporate her. I’ve already written a fic where she’s in shin vs neo verse which worked surprisingly well but I’ve been thinking how universally she could appear in other things. (Whether it be fitting her into a idea of a possible Go team in New or just a new canon completely) I think what I’ve narrow it down to is that she could be like- in Michirus role? Like she’s the supporting female who isn’t a pilot but helps out the real occasionally which I think would align very well especially with the original manga role she has of being Hayato’s assistant. And even if Hayato isn’t grandpa mode yet he still very much is in Saotomes position at that point. Not sure if she’d Hayato’s biological kid to further parallel Saotome and Michiru given well Hayato already adopts the Go team and his wife is irrelevant LOL.
I have no idea if I’ll ever write this specific idea but I’m still- rotating it cause this is such a easy way to get around “picking between Sho or Kei as the 2nd pilot” since both of them can still exist even if one doesn’t get to pilot, idm my supporting females. (Granted there could always be like- plot line where Sho gets hurt so Kei is temporary pilot but I can’t remember if Getter ever really did this since “once your hurt your ass is basically replaced” lol)
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