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coldcoffeemagic · 3 years

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Bad decision number 1

A lonely night and desperation...

Believe me it sounds worse than it is, or maybe it is as bad as it sounds

I am human, that is the basis of all our flaws and mistakes, our choices, i was always raised to believe that as we aged we would become wiser, after all growing up our elders are always in the right, they are the ones who we look to, the ones who guide us, who for a good portion of our life we rely on to make the right decisons, i dont know when we grow our wings and i dont know when im supposed to understand adulthood, but one thing has become painfully clear, i cant outrun the human emotions in me, as hard as i try.

To get to this decision i have to go back, back to when things felt atleast some degree of normal, when life seemed to have a direction to go that wasnt in circles, i was 18, Life was normal, its hard to believe that that is almost 10 years ago now, it feels like it was just yesterday, i lived in a big city, worked full time and went to university part time to study pre med, i had a few close friends, a social life, i was a happy girl, the world felt like it was in my grasp and i was going to own it, but life has a funny way of turning upside down when we least expect it, and boy...did it.

My life wasnt sheltered, i felt hardships like most, but i was loved, had a warm bed and a full stomach, i was raised by my grandparents, my grandmother passed away when i was 14 and my grandfather took over caring for me, since my mom was mostly absent due to alcohol issues,

2012 December 26th it all changed, belly up, my grandfather had a major stroke, i saw the early signs but he was 81 and despite medical intervention damage was done, at first it was labelled as delirium, temporary, but as time went on it became more signifiant and was to be dementia. My family were stubborn they didnt want nurses aid, they wanted him home, they wanted to hang on to the hope that a miricle would come about and he would wake up one morning cured, i was more realistic but to submissive to speak up, looking after him fell to me, and souly me because despite wanting him home, no one else wanted the responsibility or to sacrifice time, work was the first thing cut back to one day a week, 5 hours away where my aunt would look after my grandfather, usually entertaining him in the yard or with greasy food, leaving a mess for me to clean up on my return, i didnt mind at first, it was my job, he had raised me, cleaned up after me, i was returning the favor, i would not complain. But as his mind began to slip into the icy depths of unknown, the world in his view changed, i became a threat, home became a jail, and exhaustion became very very real.

He lost concept of time, he could not tell the difference between day and night, breakfast at 6pm dinner at 3am, lunch a 7am, bed and anger at noon, because i could not turn the sun off for him, i became the enemy, a stranger holding him captive, many nights i was locked in my room with a man angry and armed on the other side trying to get in, it always passed but i feared for my saftey enough to put a lock on the inside of my door, i pushed on, studying in my free tme, never really having a routine i slowly lost contact with friends or they stopped contacting me, im not sure which, ether way i was alone, and family ignored my pleas for help.

Days turned into months and pure exhaustion took me in its grips on night, i didnt hear a door open, a window break, i didnt relaize when i rose at 6am that he had made his way out into the night alone, i called my family, they were angry, they needed someone to blame, how could i loose him, i was his caregiver... we searched and came up with nothing, i made rounds of his favorite places on my way to the police station, about to pull into their carpark i got the call, a kind lady found him, he was brusied and cold but alive, he was taken to hospital for a once over and when we arrived, the nurse saw my distress, she pulled me aside and i broke... she understood, she made the decision for me and she told my family he needed to go into a care home, he could not return to us, it simply wasnt safe, he needed a specialist unit, a locked ward, i was grateful, but then came the punch to the gut, the care was not free, and the govt wouldnt subsidise any of it, not unless his assets were sold...his assets....my home, my family didnt hesitate they called realtors and i felt invisible...forgotten, i had no where to go, no one had offered me a room, or a hand, i paid for his care in the coming weeks, and slowly packed what i could, i did not know where i would go, i thought for sure i would be homeless, i was scared, i had tried everything, a mortgage broker, loans, donation pages only to find myself growing bitter at the strangers receiving the help i genuinely needed, seeing bullshit causes rake in the money while no one sent even a cent my way, i lost my faith in the world, i was in this alone, and i realized it wasnt anything new, i found a home, middle of nowhere, 800km away from everything i had ever known, i could take 2 car loads with me, i moved, no carpets, no bed, no fridge, no oven, broken windows, rural. It was 2 years until i would have a bed, 3 until i finally got windows fixed and carpet laid, and in that time not a soul would reach out to me, sure i didnt reach out ether but i was in a deep dark hole looking for the light and it wasnt there, i grit my teeth and keep pushing, time ticks on and we reach 2020, yup the ominous 2020, shit hit the fan, i got sick, very sick, twisted bowel and early onset osteoarthritis in both my hips, i was unable to work until these issues were resolved or stabilized, that meant alot of thinking time...and realizing how truly lonely i was, how much i was craving a connection, i dont know how i came across the site i did or why i clicked, maybe i felt like if anyone would understand being isolated and alone it would be someone in jail...

Yup jail, i found a guy called Derek, something drew me to him, somehow i have been able to over look the fact hes booked on 2nd degree murder, hes been a highlight of dark days, having someone to talk to, exchanging dreams and one day goals, to feel normal and cared for, but am i insane? I dont know, the back of my mind screams this is the stupidest thing i could do, im talking...perhaps falling for a guy whos killed his own father...

I dont know what to do...i am lost, i am unsure, i am becoming dependant on the interaction with someone i dont know if i should...surely someone reading this can tell me, what do i do...i just dont know anymore, on the darkest days, im not sure i will survive with no one to reach to.

#help #advice #mentalwellness #story

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