#and the lady said oh it did thats why i numbed you. i just dont tell people their first time so they dont get squeamish
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doctor office workers love me for my polite tones and sense of whimsy
#had an eye exam and they did a bunch of new shit cuz i havent been in a few years#like they did the normal shit they did the slides and the lights and the letters#but they also numbed my corneas w this yellow eyedrop stuff and everything turned yellow for a minute#and then they took this bright as little pinpoint light and got it reaaaally close to my eye#and after i was like man that got so close i thought it was gonna touch my eye lol#and the lady said oh it did thats why i numbed you. i just dont tell people their first time so they dont get squeamish#and i went well! thats very cool now that ive done it and know it feels like nothing but yes i probably wouldve been squeamish thank you#and then the doctor came in and was like ok follow the pen and i was tryjng not to giggle because it felt so silly like. idk#and i told him i was like sorry if this is weird but im very tickled about this whole process like its fun to me its interesting i feel like#a little kid its neat#and he was like well im glad you’re enjoying yourself now read these tiny ass letters#he was cool he thought it was funny#and the lady that helped me pick out new glasses was really nice and helped me out and told me which ones she liked on me#(i ended up going w the ones she liked because i also liked them theyre cool it was fun)#interacting with random people makes me feel so well adjusted and normal like this is what its all about.#just having fun being a little kooky at the eye doctor. thats what im here for#my eyes are so sensitive now tho and its bright as fuck outside#theres no clouds and snow on the ground so im being bombarded by reflected light#i am under fucking attack
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ooo! that low tolerance work was super good omg i love…the way that you write if that makes sense? it’s very fluid and makes things so enjoyable! i think that you’d do well if you decide to write the same prompt for other characters!! <3
Summary - Reader having a low tolerance with Venti when drinking, except for the fact that Venti drinks as well. Teyvat better watch out.
Pairings - Reader x Venti
Warnings - Mentions of alcohol, really stupid cringy behaviour, angry bartender Diluc
Penpal - Ahhhh, I'm super glad you liked the first one, Venti is all that came to my mind when thinking about writing another one. I hope you liked it !!!
A/N - hehe, I had so much fun making this :3 but it is getting pretty late, so its not any good writing, more comedic if anything
except for the part autocorrect is being annoying cause 'moraless' isnt a word, but I just decided it was. Writing mora less kinda ruins the whole point of it anyways >:(
Low Tolerance
Venti
Oh dear.
Unlike Kaeya who stayed sober to take care of your drunk form, Venti wont accept anything other than chugging down a whole bottle himself. You’re drinking, why shouldnt he?
So when it comes down where you both sit down on the counter, swinging his feet side to side as you on the other hand simply stare at the glass. He’ll coax you into it with the promise that it is indeed harder than just one drink to get absolutely wasted, and that secondly, it was fun.
Venti is a terrible influence.
But he’s powerful enough to protect you all the same.
Even when drunk, Venti has half the mind to grab you out of any dangerous situation. Quickly letting the breeze take you both back to the big tree in Windrise, where he would sing drunken songs and take out his lyre.
“Venti,” you mumbled, words slurred as you leaned against his shoulder. “Where’d you get the lyre from…?”
The drunk bard slowly lowered his gaze to the instrument in his arms, eyes narrowing for only a second before he giggled. “I’m Barbatos, I can do whatever I wish!!”
“Mhm, and I’m that weird dragon that follows him around.”
This caught Venti’s attention, and in only one moment of common sense did he mumble. “You’re not Stormterror.” But he’d missed the sarcastic tone that you’d spoken in, the secret that he was an archon slipped far too easily, really.
“You’re no Barbatos either,” was your only response. Oh if only you knew.
But in those dear moments when the two of you escape past the tavern doors, only Diluc behind the counter to sigh and know so assuringly that the two of you were off to attend to trouble.
Thats exactly what you did.
“Aha! Do you see that dear Y/n?”
A stumbling form strayed behind the archon, tilting one way at a time with each footstep. Where you lacked in coordination, Venti missed in… well absolutely everything. Tinted pink cheeks as he tugged at your wrist and dragged you further down the streets of Monstadt.
“See… what?” You grumbled, your feet beneath you growing numb. It was to a point where you were slipping forwards and the world was growing blurry beside you.
“Dumb dumb Y/n,” Venti chastised as he picked you off the ground. He swayed with the extra weight in his arms, but otherwise walked along the streets fairly easy. “I was talking about the cathedral, this really hot lady with pink… pink hair? She said they had alcohol-” He hesitated with the next step, cradling you tighter in his chest as he contemplated. “Now that I think about it… isnt she a member of the church? I dont think I'm allowed to say anything about her...”
Leaning your head on Venti’s shoulder, you huffed, the scent of alcohol a nauseating feeling that burned your nose. “Now who’s the dummy?”
“Putting that aside…” Venti shifted your curled form. Just until he could hold you tightly in bridal style, steps increasing faster until he was running. “Off to the cathedral!”
They never end well.
Which is… well, what do you expect? They always kick you out of any place, especially if its the cathedral. Even Diluc makes a sour face when you both skip back into the tavern, covered in soot and debris. He didnt want to know, truly, the red haired bartender had no business in what you two did.
He still asked anyway.
“So…” Diluc began, wiping down a shot glass with a cloth, casual. “What were you two up to?”
You were bound to have sobered up by then, and if not, even just the tiniest bit of you urged you not to tell him. “Nothing,” you replied, casual. “What were you doing?”
The bartender gives you a miffed look, “Attending customers? I’m at work.”
“What do you mean Y/n? We had a whole adventure!” Venti beside you chants, pulling you close so a hand rests on your shoulder. Only then with a smug smirk does he looked at Diluc with half lidded eyes. “You see, we both tried to sneak into the Cathedral, and since the doors were locked, we looked for a chimney!”
“There isnt a chimney…”
“Exactly! So Y/n went into a bit of a chaotic frenzy and tore a piece of the roof off…” You slowly turned to Venti, eyebrows raised as if to ask, ‘I did that?’ “Or maybe I shot it with an arrow… I kind of forget.”
But Diluc had heard enough, and with big hands that clamped around your shoulders, he tugged you and Venti to the doors. “You know what I think is a wonder idea? Going home, drinking water, and slowly digesting what you just did. For two moraless kids, you’re both screwed.”
“I’m not a kid.”
“Me too! I’m Barbatos!”
You again turned to Venti, frowning when you believed him to be lying. “Continue with that bullshit and I’ll start acting like Stormterror.” You rose both arms up like you’d use them as wings, and Venti burst out into laughter.
Diluc was done. “Get out of my bar, now.” He swung the doors open and pushed the two of you out, ignoring the way Venti’s cackling could still be heard behind closed doors, and your poor impression at a bird ( stormterror ) rumbled through the tavern.
In short, getting drunk with Venti is a blast.
Its an experience.
For some people.
You better be prepared to wake up to loads of regrets in the morning, and an anemo archon who’s still tipsy and cuddled up to you in bed. Both of you are wearing clothing, covered in dirt, and posted death threats on your door from… Rosaria?
Taglist - @cursedraiden @ohmykazuha
#genshin impact#genshin impact x reader#genshin impact oneshots#genshin impact headcanons#genshin impact fanfiction#genshin impact venti#genshin venti#venti x reader#venti fluff#drunk venti#drunk reader#cynshealthysfw
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Discord pt 97
[Date: 19/03, 05:26 AM GMT - 19/03, 06:01 AM GMT]
[CW: Gun mention]
Little-K1ng: “alright yall, just got home, did maxwell and marcus stop fighting?? i kinda dipped to head to work when they started up...
maxwell? marcus? you guys still up? ....is fetch home yet?”
Maxwell: “Uhhhh....”
Little-K1ng: “oh hi max !!”
Maxwell: “I’m up Marcus is asleep again and fetch got stuck
He said some guys started chasing him and threatened him so he ran and hid in a gas station....”
Little-K1ng: “OH NO
is he okay???
does he need picked up???? is that why he mentioned a gun earlier?????
where is he???????????”
Maxwell: “Yeah we checked he said he’s only got a couple scraps”
Little-K1ng: “oh good okay phew alright
ill catch my breath in a second, as long as hes alright”
Maxwell: “He only said he was at a gas station and the lady there helped him, they’re letting him stay the night...”
Little-K1ng: “letting him stay the night.... okay
good
hes got somewhere warm with food, thats nice”
Maxwell: “Uh...some stuff happened when you left...”
Little-K1ng: “that puts me at ease
oh?
i know you guys were fighting”
Maxwell: “It...might be best to wake up Marcus to help explain...”
Little-K1ng: “oh. okay i can. i can get him up”
Maxwell: “Oh yeah also one thing”
Little-K1ng: “?”
Maxwell: “Before you do it”
Little-K1ng: “yes?”
Maxwell: “Dont...don’t mind the flowers”
Little-K1ng: “th- hhhhhh
hhhuhhh,,,the uh
the flowers
uh
is that
what i think
you mean”
Maxwell: “Yeeeeeah.....”
Little-K1ng: “o-ookay, , ,, ill uh. ill keep calm about it
i wont make a fuss i wont worry him about it
marcus? hey? wake up buddy
Marcus. hey”
Maxwell: “Wake up shithead /lh”
Marcus: “...huh?”
Little-K1ng: “hey wake up, im home”
Marcus: “oh, welcome h..ome”
Little-K1ng: “hey marcus..... morning haha... at uh. the middle of the night
heard theres some stuff you guys wanted to talk about?”
Maxwell: “You doing okay man? You feel asleep not long after....she left”
Marcus: “..wha..?
oh
..oh”
Little-K1ng: “after i left? wow you werent up for long”
Maxwell: “....I’ll get the ice water it’ll wake em up”
Marcus: “no nonono I’m awake”
[Little-K1ng: “after i left? wow you werent up for long”]
Maxwell: “No no...not you”
Little-K1ng: “n..not me?”
Maxwell: “Uh baroness literally walked into the house”
Marcus: “....
..yeah”
Little-K1ng: “shheeeeee WHAt”
Marcus: “ow”
Little-K1ng: “sorry”
Marcus: “Loud noises, just woke up
mona please”
Maxwell: “me and marcus were talking after we made up and she just walked in”
Little-K1ng: “why would she....”
Marcus: “.....to talk to us
About uhh
Taking care of the flowers? Or something”
Maxwell: “yeah cause we cut mine”
Little-K1ng: “ah, to comment on the uh..
yeah those
hm”
Maxwell: “yeah....also she kept calling us viscount and page”
Marcus: “...”
Little-K1ng: “oh, of course. she sees you as family
and targets”
Maxwell: “I threatened to bite her
and punch her”
Little-K1ng: “oh nice one !!
...dont actually though”
Maxwell: “i didnt...”
Marcus: “..you definitely wanted to”
Little-K1ng: “so uh.... how did that fight sort out between you two? what was it about?”
Maxwell: “but uh marcus started blooming during our argument...before baroness came in and after you left”
Marcus: “........”
Little-K1ng: “if... if you dont mind me asking
oh no”
[Maxwell: “but uh marcus started blooming during our argument...before baroness came in and after you left”]
Little-K1ng: “max, you saw it?”
Marcus: “i-it’s fine Mona”
Little-K1ng: “marcus, are you okay? do you need anything to numb it?”
Marcus: “It doesn’t even hurt”
Little-K1ng: “it-... it doesnt hurt?”
Marcus: “I honestly didn’t know it happened until Max...”
Little-K1ng: “dont lie to me”
Marcus: “I’m not! I wouldn’t!”
Maxwell: “thats the thing, even baroness said it shouldn't hurt”
Little-K1ng: “i really dont want you to lie to me, marcus. i dont know if i could handle that
she said that?”
Maxwell: “or rather it wouldn't hurt if we accepted it....”
Marcus: “...”
Little-K1ng: “she of all people, ha
if it
oh
oh”
Marcus: “.....”
Little-K1ng: “oh... oh marcus..”
Maxwell: “it would make sense....as to why it hurts me and fetch so much and why...it didnt hurt marcus...”
Marcus: “...I don’t like being sad”
Little-K1ng: “i understand, marcus. i dont begrudge you”
Maxwell: “yeah we....talked and uh cried...a lot, there were many tears”
Marcus: “...thanks Mona”
Little-K1ng: “oh no...... do you feel better?
crying helps
i..... i dont know what to say...
all that.... because she just.... walked in, huh”
Marcus: “We”
Maxwell: “it was before she came in”
Marcus: “We were fighting before she got here”
Maxwell: “after you left
she came in once we stopped crying”
Little-K1ng: “oh i know, i left when it started i just......i didnt think she would just... i... uh.. nevermind”
Marcus: “We made up before she got here”
[Little-K1ng: “oh i know, i left when it started i just......i didnt think she would just... i... uh.. nevermind”]
Marcus: “..huh?
Little-K1ng: “well i just...
i.... i thought about...
i dont know how to put this”
Marcus: “..Mona
Spit it out”
Maxwell: “marcus....”
Marcus: “What?”
Little-K1ng: “i uh..... knew she kind of would........ do something like that?? in... a way?? i suppose i.... i..”
Marcus: “She’s keeping something from us!
You what”
Little-K1ng: “i had... i had a feeling
but i!! look, i...”
Maxwell: “yo calm down marcus!”
Little-K1ng: “i thought she would at least be subtle”
Marcus: “I am calm”
Maxwell: “no you aint”
Marcus: “Mona”
Little-K1ng: “yknow, prowling around in the night going through my sock drawer or something.... not like.... not like that”
Marcus: “You left max vulnerable to her
at night??”
Maxwell: “it's not your fault mona”
Little-K1ng: “look. i!!! i just !!!”
Maxwell: “Marcus”
Marcus: “Did you leave the door unlocked overnight?”
Little-K1ng: “no i...!! i just... i
i didnt want... i”
Maxwell: “if she did it was for fetch!”
Marcus: “he knows how to knock”
[Maxwell: “if she did it was for fetch!”]
Little-K1ng: “hhh... y hhyeah .. ..”
[Marcus: “he knows how to knock”]
Maxwell: “not f we're all asleep
Little-K1ng: “i was.... hhh.. i was worried if he.. if he came home late,, and i didnt hear him,,”
Marcus: “He can knock loudly”
Little-K1ng: “he wouldnt come back
i didnt think ...”
Maxwell: “actually dont think i havent noticed you havent been sleeping at night marcus
everytime i wake up youre awake”
Marcus: “....”
Maxwell: “i go to sleep you're awake
I WAKE UP FROM A NIGHTMARE AND YOU'RE AWAKE”
Little-K1ng: “but.... hes not? hes always asleep when i see him...”
Maxwell: “during the day
you dont sleep at night do you....”
Marcus: “...no, I don’t
Mona
If you thought I was asleep at night
You left the door unlocked knowing that Crown and Baroness were staking us out”
Little-K1ng: “i........
Marcus: “with no one to stop them
...to your knowledge”
Little-K1ng: “i... i didnt think....”
Marcus: “I can see that”
Little-K1ng: “i just thought she would........ do what she was just... already... already doing.....
she was already finding her way in....... snooping through my important stashes...
i really... i rr ea lll y... didnt t hhi nk it wouldd have.e..
been that .... big of a dde a l”
Maxwell: “marcus it isn't her fucking fault”
Marcus: “....no nonono Mona wait no
No nonono please don’t cry
I didn’t
I’m sorry”
Little-K1ng: “i caan nt... i can t beliv e... it wwa ss my f a u lt....”
Maxwell: “....oh no....”
Marcus: “no Mona no”
Little-K1ng: “no no non ono non o no you're right you're right you're right”
Maxwell: “no no no mona hes not”
Marcus: “No I’m wrong Mona I’m wrong
mona please”
Little-K1ng: “it was my fault it was all my fault i ll e f t the ufck ing DOOR UNLOCKED what was i THINKING
I DID IT ON PURPOSE OH MY GOD.....”
Marcus: “-!
Maxwell: “It's not your fault”
Marcus: “mona Im so sorry I didn’t mean it I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry”
Little-K1ng: “no i did i didnt even give it a second thought i-... i knew she would come in, i could even see her outside watching me leave it unlocked
i just.... didnt care. i forgot to care”
Marcus: “I was just upsetthisiswhyihatenegativeemotionsalltheyeverdoishurtpeople”
Little-K1ng: “i fucking DIDNT CARE im so sorry....
i ,.....”
Marcus: “mona Im sorry”
Little-K1ng: “no... i ..... marcus.... your laurel.. would it have... would it have sprouted if i hadnt...?”
Marcus: “...it would have”
Little-K1ng: “i left you two alone in the middle of a fight.... and did nothing”
Marcus: “It didn’t sprout because of Baroness
Mona im so sorry”
Little-K1ng: “i left you two unguarded all night........ and didnt care
no no dont apologize i did this i did it on my own im just....”
Marcus: “we were guarded Mona it’s okay”
Little-K1ng: “you WERENT”
Marcus: “I stay up all night
....I guess
I guess I’m not the best guard though, all things considered”
Little-K1ng: “i didnt know that!!!! i was FULLY PREPARED to leave you both to THE COURT”
Maxwell: “humans arent supposed to be nocturnal”
Marcus: “Heh”
Little-K1ng: “for fuckin DOGBOY TANTRUM ASS
and....[hic] and.... the worst paart??”
Maxwell: “you were worried about fetch i honestly would have done the same”
Little-K1ng: “i.... im not ss oorry .. i dont ffe el like i dd id anytyhing wr ong”
Marcus: “You didnt do anything wrong
I’m so sorry for implying otherwise”
Little-K1ng: “i DID. dont LIE TO ME MARCUS.
but!!! i just!!!!”
Marcus: “I-”
Little-K1ng: “i would do it again. with no hesitation
Marcus: “.....im not lying....”
Little-K1ng: “i was planning to do it again TONIGHT marcus!!!”
Marcus: “..im sorry”
Maxwell: “look some times people do bad things I've done bad shit”
Marcus: “I promise I’m not lying please im sorry”
[Maxwell: “look some times people do bad things I've done bad shit”]
Little-K1ng: “MAXWELL. WHERE AM I RIGHT NOW
IM HERE. AT HOME. IM NOT CURRENT;LY DRIVING TO THE GAS STATION. TO PICK UP FETCH
THE GUY I LEFT YOU TO DIE FOR”
Maxwell: “he wouldnt want you to”
Marcus: “you didn’t leave us to die”
Maxwell: “we can defend ourselves”
Marcus: “...”
Little-K1ng: “the way i know you? the way i know the court? you may as well be dead when you're them”
Marcus: “..oh
...I see”
Little-K1ng: “i have until tomorrow with you and i dont even have the honest guarantee that ill be left here to grieve, or forced to join you”
Marcus: “...”
Little-K1ng: “....whats that face for?”
Marcus: “...I’m sorry that my preferred self isn’t good enough for you”
Maxwell: “god how i wish marigolds could help mental wounds”
Little-K1ng: “..........i........
.....marcus...
wait... i...
what... am i doing?
why am i yelling?
i dont do that
i just... im so used to running away from my problems. why am i so angry?
who am i even angry at?
its not even you. its not even me, i dont really feel bad
im not mad at fetch, im rarely mad at crown
what the fuck”
Marcus: “...”
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t.o.p.w.r
and we’re BACK ladies and gents! ahhh hello hello nice to see ya nice to see ya.
okay so today’s blog post is based on the thing that all of us are thinking but none of us wanna admit because its way too much for our brains, but more so our hearts, to process or even think about.
some of the major things that we all got told in high school were:
-dont skip class
-dont fail classes
-party but not too hard
-study study study
-enjoy. it because when you leave theres no going back
oh yes, the last one. you see, when I was in high school, all of these things except the last one were very important to me. that was up until junior year. I was smoking all the time, I was skipping, I failed my first class that year (I'm hispanic so imagine how my mom took that HAH) and I even almost got kicked off ASB & Leadership AND suspended because of a stupid decision. and then I somewhat got my shit together and managed to pull through to graduation and I got to give my family something that they all so well deserved for pushing me to get through. on graduation day- well actually lets go back a little for a second-
senior sunset.
wowowowowowwwww this night- I don't even know how to describe this night to people that weren’t there. it was just. beautiful. genuinely, beautiful. it was everyone’s last hurrah before the big day we all had coming for us, and the energy felt that night is something I've never felt before (or maybe we were all just really crossed and looked like idiots, but did we die tho?) aAAnyways besides the fact that we were all fucked up (seriously) in the middle of a beach in the middle of the night- we all knew this was one of the last times we’d all be together again. but none of us wanted to think about that (especially me but I went too hard on the mikes and ended up crying on my girl’s shoulder because I was an emotional wreck at the time I WAS GOING THROUGH A LOT OK?! and yes theres a video.) but there was something about that night, when the Lindbergh class of ‘19 came together, and just sang “young wild & free” and everything around us was gone. It was just us, cheap alc, our bestie Mary Jane, and everything else didn't matter. No cares in the world, no responsibilities, just happiness, that we had finally “made it.”
Graduation Day.
June 17th 2019.
As we’re getting ready to go into the showare center it honestly still hadn't hit me. I was in a pretty short floral dress, with my navy blue cap and gown over it, ready to end this shit once and for all (I hated school) because its what we all wanted, right? So I walked into that arena, head held high, walked across that stage, snatched that diploma case, (still think its stupid that they don't give you the real thing and then call it a day) I looked up to the sky and thanked god for letting me get to where I was even after all the bullshit that was in my way in the past. I had finally DONE. THAT. SHIT. after graduation and after my dinner with my family, after a good hour of begging I finally convinced my mother to let me go to the graduation party, once again at alki beach. so I went, and I expected it to be just like the senior sunset. going into it, already totally different. yes it was amazing and it was so much fun to the point where to be quite honest the night is pretty blurry... LMAOOO.
but I knew something was... off.
I couldn't put my finger on it though.
present day.
now I know. a few days ago I went and hung out with an old friend, who was one of my best friends in highschool and man oh man the adventures we went on (too many!) we got the chance to catch up and he said something that finally made me realize the one thing that was missing on graduation night, and what made me realize that just like that- its all over. like- for REAL now. and these were the words that came out of his mouth:
“the old people were right.”
you see the night of the senior sunset we all knew we were going to all be together again, we were graduating days after. but on graduation night, even though not a lot of people talked about it, we all knew that this was the last time. we knew that we were never all going to be together like that ever again, and thats what was missing- the hope. the excitement. the anticipation. for once, we all didn't know what to be hopeful for or what to expect or if we were happy or sad- it was just a whole lot of
b l a n k s p a c e .
when we started high school everyone (parents, teachers, former alumni, even strangers) would always try to make us “enjoy” the four years of our highschool careers as much as we possibly could. and yet- none of us listened? lots of us enjoyed it to the absolute fullest. had our fair share of school, and hood rat shit- but if we fully enjoyed it- why is it that everyone I've asked, would go back in a heartbeat? why is it that we spent almost everyday wishing and waiting for the day we got to say we graduated and we never have to go back- but now the only thing we want, is to go back? and that is why, the old people were right. they knew, because just like it happened to us, it happened to them, and it’ll happen to our children, and our children's children and pretty soon for us, it’ll be just a memory.. I mean- it already is,
just a memory.
the people that I knew in high school, are not the same people I know now. everything is different, everyone is different, everything is changing, and everyone changed. things aren’t the same anymore, and I am officially convinced they never will be (trust me on that one because some unexpected ass shit has happened and my thoughts and my heart have been all over the place- but thats another story.) I am not sad, I am not angry, I am not happy, I am not excited. I don't know how to feel- mainly just because everything’s moving so quick that I don't even know what to feel.
numb, maybe?
in all honesty, for those of you reading that are still in school, make that shit count. please please please make that shit count.
trust me.
don't let it go in one ear and out the other.
its hard, I know. I also know though, that its not hard to enjoy your live while you're living it. cherish the friendships around you, don't spend so much time on your phone, and pay attention to your surroundings, and most importantly, do whatever it takes, to keep yourself happy.
go to the football game.
go to the dance.
its ok to not study tonight and go have fun.
fuck what everyone else thinks.
fuck what people say about you.
fuck that teacher who's never paying attention.
fuck that ex that cheated on you.
fuck person or group of people that stays coming for you.
fuck that test you didn't pass, use it as motivation for next time.
fuck that crush you had that didn't put you first.
fuck EVERYTHING that gets in the way of your happiness because without your happiness, there is nothing.
just b l a n k s p a c e .
it’s okay to be selfish and put yourself first, trust me on that one. (firsthand experience, still working on it, not fun, I know, lol.)
live your life, to the absolute fullest, that way, you will feel like you wanna go back because you miss the memories, but you won’t ver feel like you HAVE to go back, because its all you ever had.
because ladies and gents, life is so much more than that.
currently, i’m on my path in that direction. leaving an old life behind is bittersweet, but
the view is pretty damn great.
besitos,
ria.
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December 3rd 2021
Okay so this is it again... trying to maintain peace of mind . I am surrounded my menaces who have found a way to infiltrate my mind as crazy as that sounds. They can forshadow my next thought and it all started that one day in December ... the day before I was “ shot” by who knows but i think I was the neighbor for there i was laying on the couch after drinking like five beers and this voice started talking about past events in my life and i caught on and listened to it. As ikt got more interesting and i applied more atention into the matter thats when I felt a huge shock enter my body and I went numb or parayloized. I couldnt move and in the back ground I heard the words “ oh my god i cant beleive i just shot him”. It aounded like the neighbor girl who always was outside in her car but i often would ask for a cigarette here and there. The last thing i remember was walking through the hallway or more like stumbling and everything was in slow motion i was headed towards the bathroom and then everything went black. I woke up the next morning but as i woke up as soon as i woke up adrenaline hit my body but it was overcome with the most uneasy feeling ever, this was chriistmas day. It felt tlike everything was gone I was somewhere i did not know and everything was strange. In reality i was supposed to be in the middlle of hayward but if felt like i was a world away on that christmas day. the first thought that came to mind was my aunt idk but maybe as i woke up that was probably my next of kin- something terrible had happened i just didnt know what who when or why. I sat there cold and shook and it took some time to readjust again and then grabbed a beer. That night i beleive andre came over and he brought over dinner but the world changed for me... a few days later my family arrived back from their trip in mexico but when i saw them exit the car i could see the look on their faces as if someone had sent them to die- insterad of happy faces and reunion i could sense a feeling of dispair - my sister ran into the arms of her husband and i just kinda sat and starred at eveeryone. days later i was arrested by an officer from the police depsartment and this is where the saga starts. these Rougue audio weapons projected voices that are causing so much trouble around me where also in the house that night in fact i have been dealing with the same “ characters for a while- ever since we moved into that house- imagine like living in a haunted house and your constantly hearing voices- you go to the doctors and the doctors says your dillesuinal or you have mental health isseues but in fact you dont the voices you hear are real and they were just waiting for the perfect time to strike. So as the police were called and the came up one of the voices said that these guys were the affiliated with an organization that i kept bumping heads with in the neighborhood. -- The “ mafia”... initially i met what seems to be my neighbors double and she said to me were the mafia and your going to learn to respect me- inside i said to myself nop youre not and shrugged it off- I really didnt know what it waws and what it meant i thought it was onoly something that you see in movies or was an east coast thing... i never really understtod it but things kinda changed ... well anyways i remembert being arrested and the arrest itself was a whole bunch of bull- i was arrested for being under the influemnce of a conmtrolled substance in my home after my sister called the police becasue she was scared that the mom inside the room was not the actual moma and i kept walking back and forwwards freaking her out. so she called 911 hoping to get help but in reality there are things that happened in that house that make no sense. i just rememebr when the police put the cuffs on me in the living room that i could see the horror in the eyes of those tweo little girld my sisters with what seemed to be my mom but wasnt in a weird way as this lady had a scarf over her face and was laying down with a cough that severe that we all got. things like that kinda look back and freak me out because it was there that someone came into our home and i failed to protect my family and home. I know something crqazy happened becasue when we got to the police station as regular routine would have it i remember meeting up with time and destiny - the sound of heavy metal doors shutting behind me. in the previous house we livied in i would sit outside and smoke cigaretted in the back ywrd mostly just me and wound just listien to the crazy stuff going on inside my head and i oftern heard the sound of heavy metal doors shutting but this was like two years before but that night i realized a dream had possibly come tru and for the first time i met upo with what i had heard in the back of my head and it came to real life. the doors closing- then all hell broke loose at the station but i could not see what was happening becasue i was in a cell in the back -things to right about tomooor - the extra people in the celll- lobster man- the guy behind me- then the mob- and how the police station got hit- and the possible shooting ogf the cop who arrested me and then the voice- youre going to be involved in one of the biggest cover ups in history and then take off
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Hi princess! So imagine this lady who's always ALWAYS being negative abt her kids, never a kind word and only belittling, every other day, like "what did I do wrong really? What kind of kids have I raised? They're bla bla bla" with venom. And worst who doesnt acknowledge how negative + painful she is
When i try to talk to her nd ask her exactly whats the issue with 'me' or how can I help her to ease her burden as she keeps complaining how we're ungrateful or keeps comparing to other 'more acceptable in her eyes" children, she gets defensive nd won't answer properly. She says "ohhh, why don't U know that? arent u old enough to know?' and then starts ranting. when time after time ive begged her to clearly tell me, no passiv agressiveness please! it doesn't work nd i end up wondering why i even bother when im only the villain... Yes this ig is my role in her story that ive writen? confusing 😅
when I can, sometimes i try to help her even tho shes the sort who likes to stay busy so she'll find smth else to do lol, nd inside hope for her to be at least a little NOT negative today.... she either ignores or gets angrier nd goes all "hey, I didn't ask U to do that! How dare u act like u did me a favor! U think ur perfect while im just ur servant right?" when i never even intend that? i effing HATE negative reinforcement nd i feel so damn bad for her, nd shes taught me how negative reinforcement is the worst thing to use, cuz it never teaches anything only builds resentment!!
this is smth i realised that she cant be pleased, she wants to get attention what I mean is, whenever we spend time together, she is perfectly fine when we're talking abt her hobbies nd interests which tbh im NOT that interested in personally but since she likes them i like to discuss them with her nd help her out with projects. not to say "ohhh im so cool i help out with her projects look at me so kind of me! lol" its just it hurts when ur own mother doesn't even rpetend to care abt ur interests. i suspect deep down i carried this feeling of unworthiness ie if even my own mother doesn't care abt my hobbies/projects, no one will . which is why i feel so uncomfortable sharing anything personal to my rl friends cuz im so afraid theyll reject me too :(
By not caring i dont mean I expect her to listen nonstop to me. she has her own life but i mean she purposely zones out, rolls her eyes which HURT SM when i was a child, or even worst she says "im not interested" nd shuts the convo. again, at this point, idec anymore as ive learned slowly to value nd cherish my own value nd hobbies etc which is an important lesson anyway
the only thing i want is to stop her being so painfully negative LOUDLY. Yk I suspect becuz of her dwelling on whats wrong in her life, shes gotten severe numbness nd swelling in one arm? and even the doctors cant detect whats wrong! nd its hella painful nd she can't even lift it up sometimes!!!! THIS GOES ON TO SHOW HOW INNER CONSTANT NEGATIVITY CAN BE REFLECTED IN THE OUTER AKA OUR BODY!! To anyone else who cant help have negative thoughts ONLY, u gotta try to change them! Please! Bcuz my mother's pain in her arm is sometimes crazily too much! Nd this in turn, esp on days where all i hear is her gripe, its worse at night!
Anyway I was compeled to write this as a while ago i went to the kitchen for water nd from her room i heard her loudly complain nd mutter abt how her kids are "socially unacceptable" nd "dear god i pray please please don't let me rely on them in old age, i made a mistake raising them!" She's the sort whos got so many limiting beliefs that initially led to my deep unhappiness w/o knowng it was these beliefs at play eg if you dont become a certain career, youll have no security, or recently she keeps nd keeps lamenting abt not havjng 'enoufh money' (we r having kinda financial crisis due to some rlly terrible decisions by my other parent) or 'oh Im STUCK with this [bad word] family!" when she saw a movie abt someone who went on a trip nd began comparing her own life to it. She's so talented we all ask her to start an online business but she backs away nd says 'how will i ever get capital? im doomed to never have what i want' nd I myself have a bit empty wallet temporarily so i cant help her. Nyway, while im trying to fix my own beliefs, seeing her rage nd let negativity completly take over her is alarming nd worrying to me. it makes me feel negative emotions too. im not entirely confident in mastering my mind ywt. i was that overly sensitive kid at school nd i absorv her energy a lot. Those who u love the most, hurt u the most. nd i agree bcoz while im hurt by her (not that shes intentionally hurting me. THRU her im hurt), i do love her. Nd now thanks to the law ik by changing my beliefs abt things, i can change the world
My reason is i cant change her bcuz she gets hella maddened if i suggest a less negative thought. Nd she instead starts blaming me for my 'decisions in Life' which SHE would NEVERRR make oh no... -_- Nd im not saying i try to be obnoxious abt it hell no! im talking abt getting frustrated at the table talking abt smth abt a random topic, then suddenly listening to her start complaining abt e g. Some kid whos "richer" than i am heatedly! nd if i steer the convo away, nope, she keeps fuming a bit
so since i can only change myself, how the hell do i change my assumptions of her? i affirm having a great mother, happy nd open with her thriving business etc. i affirm this but i cant focus cuz doing so inevitbly makes me sad lol cuz i rmmbr how happy nd liveky she used to be before some unfortunate things in our family that started yrs ago. Which affected us all. Any advice, please? im on a mental diet hwoever the earlier incident of her complaining abt us again caused smth in me to snap. im distancing myself from her but the short times im with her there's only a strong air of disapproval, pain nd misery around her. Tbh i was like that pre-law, not knowing how destructiv my thoughts were, while she was the happy optimistic grateful one. Nd now? Im only slightly more self aware than before ie im NOT saying im able to rise in consiousness SOo much that im 'untouchable' nd buddha-like! Nor is my mom wrong bcuz she's me pushed out! its only her lvl of conciousness nd thats it. its just I don't want to cause or feel more pain or hav any excuse to curse her ,when ego sometimes takes over, anymore. im having some personal issues to take care of too, which is why this is affecting me too much. Sort of like having a weak immune system already?
I want my happy intelligent mom back. ik i got to change me... but the doing is way harder than the saying
🫀anon
Okay first of all imma say it cause I don’t think nobody else will…. Your mom is shitty…. There, I said it. She is abusive and selfish and a bad mom. No parent should ever treat their children that way and make them think they need to fix them.
Other than that yes it’s true she is your manifestation but I think it’s important to let emotions out. Be mad at her for once, stop rationalizing her bad behavior. You have the right to feel mad, angry, sad. YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID.
I know it seems impossible to keep a mental diet when you see the negative behavior you wish to change every day. I assume you live in the same house. My suggestion is to stick to your mental diet and try to interact as little with her as possible. Go out more often or stay a bit more in your room. Every time you see a behavior from her that you don’t like, and you feel like affirming doesn’t help, close your eyes and see her hugging you and telling you all sorts of beautiful, loving things you’d like to hear from her.
You should also work on your self concept. Parental issues often manifest from poor self concept. Affirmations like “I am worthy, I am loved, I am enough, I am respected, I am cherished” work amazing.
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BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!
[03-07-2021] Return to the city, which I have left for several years. Bandung. A town I love, which never fails to impress me. The city always has something new around every corner.
Made an appointment to Meet an 'old friend' that I never seen or talking for many years. After talking with shitty and unnecessary chitchat then we moved to an old Kopitiam around Sudirman Street that still amazed me until now.
After many years passed, this old Kopitiam still impress me. The building, the wall arts, the decorations, the ambience, the lighting, even the people coming here still same as in the past. Many old guys and old ladies coming here only for playing capsa, chess or mahjong showdown while enjoying some Coffee or Tea with some Dimsum. They just playing happily with each other. They seems dont care that now already quite late at night. What a moments.. Reminiscing!
After feeling mesmerized, we order some of their Signature Coffee and some Dumplings. I'm shocked to know that their tastes of Coffee is consistency and never change! That's cool!
Because of nowadays I'm enjoying writting about anything, then I tell my friend that I will record all of our chitchat and conversation into an mp3 recording file. So I could make the convo's transcript to fill in into my blog :))
t r a n s c r i p t :
Me : This Kopitiam kinda reminds me about the old times that we always coming here for almost every week with our friends..
P : Ya Ya Ya.. indeed! It is not every week! But twice a week, hahaha..
It's been long story we talking about anything until I tell her about my problems.. she looks kinda shock hearing it all and seems not believe for what happening to me right now.
Yes I told her about my family's matters..
P : Oh.. ( I can see her eyes pouring some tears )
I cannot believe why you have to be an asshole by cheating to your wife? Do you know that what you have done is so heartless and hurts your wife so much? Oh ibie!! I really cannot believe what you have done!! really.. fucking asshole! (I can see some rage on her eyes!)
Me : Well, things happens! My life is fucked. And I really fully regrets! I dont know how to fix this.. Yes I know I have done something terrible.. But at that time, I feels like i lost controls to myself and everything. And at that time I feels like I dont understand myself too..
P : You dont need to make excuse for youself! Wrong is wrong.. You have no reasons to do all this fucking things!
Me : Yes I know.. and I admit that I was an asshole for doing this.. and now i really regretfully for what happened to my family..
at that time, I feels like sometimes my wife didnt love me and sometimes I feels like she never respect me.. I dont know this is only my feeling or my reasons, but yes sometimes i feels like that..
Maybe because Im an overthinker person, thats why that time I lost control to myself and doing all this bad things. But after that i feel regret.. really sad and sorry..
P : Whatever your reasons, bie! What you've done is unacceptable.. Oh I really speechless to you! fuck!
Then, have you apologize to your wife and ask for forgiveness from her? Have you explain everything to her? Are you really feel sorry now?
Me : Yes I do! As a man, I do apologize and ask for forgiveness from her. I even kneel to her to forgive me and give me chance. I dont know how to fix this.. I dont know how to make her forgive me and give me last chance and trust me again that I will never ever doing very bad mistakes again and broke her trust again.
P : Then? Did she forgive you?
Me : No, She is not. She said she cannot give me chance for now and ask me to clear my self out of problems.. at first I was so excited that I thought she is willing to give me chance. I'm doing my best effort to fix everything, I do my best to bring back her trust on me. Until one day I realized that she's only play with my guilt and probably just want to revenge to me. After knowing that, I feels numb and thinking that all my efforts was nothing. What am I trying to fix was meaningless.. Then its time I have stopped all my efforts to fix everything and stop expecting. I feel bad.. really bad!
P : Huh? What do you mean? I dont get it. Why dont you continue to fix with her? Show your fully efforts to brings her back!! Its all your fault then you have to fix!
Me : Yes, at first I will show her my fully effort and Im willing to do anything to fix all of this. Then one day I realized that she was looking for another guys or maybe now she probably having a relationship with someone else already. That day I realized that all she said by saying will give me chance after I clear myself out was only a joke, its fake and just an empty hope!
Can you imagine, if she said will give me chance but in reality she was in relationship with another guy? Then I have to fix what? I have to keep fighting to fix everything when she has already have relationship with another guy? It's unacceptable for me! If she said she will give me chance, she have to wait and look at my progress, she have to let me work my best and wait me until I clear myself out, but what she did is having another relationship with someone else! Then what she said will giving me chance was a fake and its all lie! Am I right? Thats why I'm stopped all of this!
P : Huh? Wait.. wait! I miss something here. So, she said she will give you chance but you have to fix yourself first BUT in reality, she was having relationship with another guy already? So, what I got here is she probably waiting you for fixing yourself but while waiting she has another relationship with someone else? She is having relationship while waiting you?
Me : YES! Exactly! I'm not sure she's already in relationship or still looking for another guy.. but this is so heartless and unacceptable for me! Why dont she just said NO MORE CHANCE for me instead of saying will giving me chance but having another relationship with someone else or looking for someone else? Its does not make sense!
P : If this is the case, then yes.. actually what she have to do is just saying directly to you that NO CHANCES for you. I dont understand her as well.. why she said she will give you chance after you clear yourself out but she is having or looking relationship with someone else.. Haha im curious about it! Well, then its your rights to stop or to keep fighting for her! But I understand you, you will feel hurt when you keep fighting for her while she was having relationship with someone else. Well, my advice is just follow your heart! But if the case is like this, you better pull yourself out of this situation and keep walking.. At least you already did your job, feels regret, apologizing, ask for forgiveness and trying your best to fix everything, eventhough in the end it didn't go as you pleased, but at least you tried. You did a great job, bie!
Me : Yes! I take my punishment already by cannot see and touch my son. As a man, I admit my big mistakes to her already! I feels fully regret already. I ask for forgiveness already, I promise to her that I will never ever doing bad mistakes and broke her trust anymore, I doing everything already to regain her trust! But she wasting all my efforts! She is playing with my feeling by saying will give me chance after I cleared myself out! She gave me fake and empty hope. So i pull myself out and stopped! At least if someday Mica grown up, I can tell him what I did. I can tell Mica that his dad already trying to fix everything but his mom is wasting my efforts and playing with me. So im gonna give up..
*She looks confused, sad, and crying..*
P : Do you still love your wife after what you have done?
Me : Yes I do. I love her with all my heart.. It will and always! I've been fully regret with what I did to her. If I could turn back the time, even it cost my life, then I would.. GIving up didnt means I didnt love her, I just feel tired hurt myself as well.. and I feeling hurts when my efforts wasn't appreciated. Been there, done that! But I will always love her with all my heart and I keep saying sorry to her in my heart and my prays..
P : Im sure you were really miss Mica and your wife.. I can see from your eyes.. it looks empty! You miss them so bad.. (*she looks crying again)
Me : I miss my son for every second of my life.. I never felt this way, missing someone til my heart aches! It really hurt deep inside.. Almost every night Im crying missing my son. What I could do only looking at Mica's photos on my gallery.. No father in this world who is strong enough to bear the pain of missing his child. Its really unbearable for me..
P : Do you try to call Mica everyday? You can video call to him to heal your wound.. Or ask his mom to video call to you everyday if posisble. Or ask her to send Mica's picture for you at least once a day.. Im sure it will not bother her at all
Me : Yes, I do ask her already to send me Mica's picture as much as she can.. but you know what, Pao? I think she trying to separate me with Mica as well..
P : HAH ??!! What do you mean??
Me : Yes, you heard it right! I think she trying to separate me and Mica as well.. Do you know why? I ask her many times already to send Mica's pic as much as she can.. and she said YES, she will try to send Mica's pic as much as she can. But again, in reality she was fake again.. she only send like every 4 or 5 days or even 1 WEEK and only send 1 photos or videos. Do you think its called "AS MUCH AS SHE CAN" ? send pic every 4-5 days and only 1 ? After waiting for every 4-5 days I only got 1 pic or 1 short video.. She can HATE ME as much as she want but she have no rights to separate innocent child to his father, right??? Yes you are RIGHT! Even 1 photo per day it will not bother her at all.. But she just dont want! But she probably busy looking and impress some guys out there instead of sending me some of my Son's photos that I always wait like forever.. sending some pic's everyday not wasting even 1 minutes of her time. But this is about WANT or DONT WANT!
P : WHAATTTT?! REALLY?? Sorry bie.. but in my opinion, no matter how bad the father, every childs in this world is have FULLY RIGHTS to know his/her father! If she doing that, she is FORCEFULLY take Mica's RIGHTS to know you as his father.. she is doing a bad parenting system! How heartless she was.. She take Mica's rights as innocent child to know his father. Well, somehow I feel bad for you bie. You are right, She can hate you as much as she wanted to, but she have NO RIGHTS to force Mica to not to know his father.. Oh my God! Somehow, I got your point when before you said you have your own reason by doing some bad mistakes to her.. Well, I dont know but I got the point somehow! Its only you can feel it.. But it doesnt mean you were right! You are still WRONG by doing the FUCKING BAD THINGS! But I know at least you did a great job by fully regret it, apologizing, and trying to fix with her, even in the end she wasn't appreciate you, at least you try.. a gentleman's job! Standing ovation for you bie..!
P : . . . .
P : As a man and as a normal human being, its OK for you to make mistakes. Learn from it, take lessons from it, and promise for you life that you will never ever do it again. Even you ever failed as a man and as a husband to your loved ones, Im sure that you have fully regret now. But you never failed as a Daddy! Im sure you were being a Super Daddy for Mica! And Im sure, Mica is super love you and proud to you as his Father! You will be a good Dad for him, Im sure of that bie..!
Me : Bad Parenting Systems? Probably yes.. She is forcefully take Mica's right to know me as his father.. Well, if someday Mica grows up, I hope Mica didnt grown up with rage and questioning where is his Dad! Because He will understand when he grows up.. And someday I hope I could explain everything to him what was happened.. At least I have tried everything and its gonna be my reasons to Mica..
P : I feel sad for you bie.. Keep strong and be patients! God will never sleep.. If you feel fully regret and promise to never ever doing bad mistakes again for your life, im sure God will always listens to you and helps you.. keep believe it! Im Buddhist too like her.. so Im sure we belief about Karma. You get your bad Karma already by doing bad on the past. And if she is proven trying to separate Mica from his Daddy, Im sure too she will get Karma too for what she did.. For now you better stand up and keep walking for your life. And love yourself more than before.. Last time we met you look so fat than now.. Now you look losing weight! Remember you have to keep healthy.. Overthinking will make you sicks! Try to forgive yourself.. Try to accept yourself back.. Try to love yourself again.. What's DONE is DONE! you cannot turn back the time, but you can fix it and make it better.. But first forgive yourself and love yourself, so you can stand up and walking again.
Me : Yes I try to walks again.. and now I almost can running again hahaha! But the pain is still unbearable for me for missing my Son every second of my life.. it hurts so much for missing him!
If you were her, would you like to give me second chance for me to fix it? I just want to know from other people's perspective..
P : HAH? If I were her? You mean if this bad things happens to me? Hmmm.. Well, If I was her and this is happened to me, for sure I will very angry, mad, and sad as much as she did, or maybe more than she did. But after that I will heal myself first and think clearly for what I should do. But in my opinion, every people DESERVE a second chance! Especially if we have childs already. For sure in the end I will give you a second chance and let you prove yourself that you will never ever doing bad things again and broke my trust. Because for me second chance is LAST CHANCE! So if this happened again, NO MORE CHANCES for you for your life! But yeahh.. for me every people deserve a second chance! Especially when I see you were really regrets and I can see your efforts to fix everything! Its for me.. But every people's have different minds, so my opinion cannot be used as a standard! But for sure If I were her and I already said I will give you chance, then I would really give you chance and see you progress first.. I will waiting how much you can show and prove yourself to fix and be a better person than before! But for sure I will not looking for other guys while waiting HAHAHAHA.. because I will be honest and pure from heart when I said i will giving you chance.. No FAKE FAKE woyyy! Hahaha..
Me : Here we comes the sarcastic moments, hahaha... But thank you for your perspectives! I hope she could do as you said,, but yeah every people is different!
P : Then dont be too worry bie.. I hope she could opened her heart soon and not thinking only about herself, but about Mica as well.. Mica is still really too little for this! He needs both his Mummy and Daddy on his side. Dont let innocent child be victims from the selfishness of their parents.
Me : Well, I dont know about that.. I feel too tired and almost fully giving up..
P : You can rest a while bie.. And I know for now you were busy and tired with your business hahaha.. congrats anyway! Dont give up bie! Move forward!! I will joins and helps your business.. your coffee bottle is super yummy and your cornflakes is good, especially the peppersalt one! I like it.. No one's here using cornflakes as snacks, thats why I think it looks promising business.. Just dont give up and keep walking! Thats my note! Dont feeling down when sometimes your business is going down.. You need to have a strong mentality build when you working on personal business. Up and down on personal business is normal..
Me : Hahaha thanks! Yes it starting to grows.. I will working hard for it! Woyyy of course its good, it has secret recipes from starbucks hahaha.. Yes yes you have to helps me extent and expand my selling hahaha.. just kidding, Pao! But thank you, you boosted up my mood haha..
P : YEEESSSSSS!!! hahaha sure I will helps you as much as I can, dont worry! haha.. And I will promote it anywhere haha.. soon you will need to open mini factory, hahaha Ameeenn!!!
And dont worry, when I said AS MUCH AS I CAN, I will do and act in real, not only words or FAKE!! hahahahahahaha..
*we both laugh hard on this*
Me : LOL hahaha.. Here we comes again for another sarcastic moments, Hahahah! But Ameeennnn!! Thanks, Pao! I feel lightly after I confess to you all my stories.. wish me better and better OK?
P : Sure!!! Im sure you can..!
The time has passed, It's been 02:50am already. Then I sent her home and I back home as well. Thanks for listening to my vent, Pao! What a day!! Ready to work again tomorrow ^_^
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Basic transformation part 2, a transformation story featuring woman -> pig, woman -> fuck plant, man -> demon, and man -> troll MC
Mckenna woke up inside of a beauty salon. Someone asked a question as she came back to reality. She was standing at the counter as the person repeated the question
"So is a full makeover okay?"
Mckenna looked up and at the questioner. The lady behind the desk had a large beehive and a black shirt with a black apron hanging down. Mckenna gathered her thoughts slowly then she asked
"How did I get here?" The neon lights ahead buzzed and the lady laughed
"Through the front door silly, now let's get started." She opened the small gate to the actual salon area and beckoned for Mckenna to come inside. Putting away her worrys Mckenna walked in as the lady continued
"Alright, lets start with your nails." The two lady's sat down at a desk as the lady unpacked her nail kit and introduced herself
"Im Paula, by the way. What's your name?"
"Mckenna" she replied putting her hand on the desk. Paula selected a color and turned around to show it to her
"Mckenna, that's a pretty name. How's this color?" The polish was a dark shade of green and McKenna nodded her head. Paula began to paint her nails and asked
"So, you gonna be in town long or what?"
"Excuse me? What do you mean by that?"
"Honey, its a small town. Everyone knows everybody and since I don't know you you must not be from around here."
"Not to be a bother but what town would that be?"
"Alterbourough, Michigan. Its so small I'd doubt you'd find it on a map."
Mckenna then thought,
'So thats the explanation, I must have blacked out or something on the way to Michigan and then decided to go get a makeover.' She then responded to Paula
"No, were just passing through. My friends and I are heading up to a cabin for vacation." Mckenna's hand sort of felt strange, almost numb. She began to look at it when Paula hit her with another question
"Do you have a boyfriend?" A mental image of Derrick appeared in her mind. She looked at his face but then her eyes drifted down to his trousers. She imagined sucking his cock and how amazing it would feel. She slipped into a lust endured haze and didn't even notice as the skin around her hand began to take a greenish hue.
She finally snapped out of it when she felt the seat get a little moist due to her leaking pussy. Paula had her stand up and head over to the hair styling station. Mckenna didn't think anything of her green arm, only of sucking Derricks cock when she would get home. Paula sat her down and begun to style her hair. Subconsciously Mckenna reached down under her skirt and started to rub her pussy that was now munching at her panties.
Paula asked another question
"So what do you like most about your boyfriend?"
"Oh he's nice but the thing I love most is his big throbbing cock." She didn't know why she was being so upfront with this stranger but as soon as she mentioned Derricks cock Mckenna slipped a finger under her panties and into her pussy. The green had spread to her breasts causing them to not only turn green but to fill out more as well. Soon, half her body was fully green. Mckenna began to slink deeper and deeper into the lust.
Meanwhile...
Hailey entered the strange area and remarked simply on its magnitude
"Holy shit." She walked into the main room and then looked to find two hallways, one was dark and the other featured overhead led lights. Within the hallway was many doors spaced evenly. As she got closer she strained her ears and could hear...
Mckenna! She couldnt make out any distinct words but she new it was her friend.
Mckenna had fully ripped off her soaked panties and was masturbating furiously. Paula stood and watched the poor girl as Paula herself began a transformation. Her breasts receded into normal human nipples, she lost her hourglass frame but gained muscle in return. Soon she was a tall, muscular, man. Paul saw Mckennas lips puff up into a soft blanket perfectly suited for sucking cock.
Paul approached and dropped his pants. Upon seeing his large member Mckenna dazily said
"Must... suck" she closed her eyes and opened her mouth as Paul slid a finger into her mouth
"Not yet my little fuckplant, not yet." Mckenna looked up at him as...
Hailey bursted in through the back door of the salon. She saw her friend, now fully tinted green and called out
"Mckenna! Snap out of it! Don't give in to the temptation!"
Mckenna looked over and said
"What- do you- mean temptations? Wait, why are you here and when did you get so pudgy?" As soon as she finished speaking Mckenna refocused back in to Paul.
"This isn't you! You must resist!"
"Must... resist... must suck! Im a good fuck-" Mckenna was cut off by Paul shoving his penis in her mouth. Hailey tried to run to her but some sort of energy was keeping her back.
"Mckenna! Look at what your doing! Look at yourself! See past the- the illusion!" Mckenna kept sucking as her skin faded to a darker shade of green. Her breast grew even larger but she as a whole began to shrink. Her mouth pressed forwards into a long dick-sucking chamber as her fingers merged into long leaves. As she sucked her thoughts became overpowered by one simple thought
"Must... suck" Paul reached bellow her chair and grabbed a pot. He then lifted Mckenna up and sat her in the pot. She continued to mindlessly suck as she settled into the pot. When her transformation was complete Paul pulled away with Mckenna still suckimg at the air. Paul gave one look at Hailey before running out the front of the salon.
Finally, the force field dropped and Hailey headed towards her friend. She went to grab her friends pot when Mckenna latched on to Hailey's finger and started to suck.
It felt like she was having twenty orgasms at once and Hailey almost fell to the floor due to it. As Mckenna sucked Hailey's previously fought off changes began to come back. Her nose flared up and extended into a pigs snout, her ears grew large and drooped over, and she omce again gained more weight. Looking up past her snout, Hailey saw Mckenna sucking and realized what was happening. She quickly pulled away and the changes regressed until she was back to her chubby self.
Looking where Paul had gotten the pot from Hailey also found a collection of sex toys. Grabbing one she shoved it in Mckenna's agape, drooling, dick craving mouth. She then looked a the sucking fuck plant and said
"Look, I don't know if your still in there Mckenna but we have to find the boys so they don't become creatures like us. Alright, lets go." Hailey grabbed Mckenna by the pot and carried her outside the salon.
Derrick awoke in a small, simple room. Not unlike the dorms back at college. He was chained to the post of a bed with his hands behind his back.
"Hello? Anybody here? Help?" Then, as if answering his prayers Derrick heard a popping noise and then a tall brown skinned man wearing a fancy black suit approached him. Perhaps the most interesting piece was the mans legs. Bellow his waist were two large goat thighs, covered in a thick dark brown fur before finally being completed with two goat hoaves and a tail to boot.
"My my my. Seems like you've gotten yourself into a predicament havent you Derrick."
"How do you know my name? What is this place? Why am I here? Who ar-" the mysterious man cut him off
"Shhh shh shh shh shh. Ill go over your questions one at a time. Starting with introductions. I am Pan a pretty famous satyr, though those Greeks myths were never quite right. Why don't you stand up and shake my hand?"
"I am uh chained to the floor."
"Oh yes! I'm sorry. Off those go." With a wave of his hand Pan made the chains disappear.
"Now to address some of your other questions" Pam continued "The place you're in is my home. Why are you here? Well recently one of my many servants well... let's just say there's a position in my organization and I need someone to fill it. I believe that someone may be you."
Derrick thought about it for a moment as he thought back to the events from before he woke up here.
"Wait. Where are the girls?" He questioned, to which Pan responded
"Oh yes your friends are getting... acquainted with the place. But for you you shouldn't need to worry about them anymore. This is what matters Derrick! Our deal would be simple. I give you the gift of immortality, God like powers, all the amenities my home has to offer, yadda yadda yadda. All I ask in return is just eternal patronage, really a small price to pay."
"I dont think I could do that. I-I have a girlfriend I have a life!"
"Oh tish, why go about your boring human life and eventually die when you could join me and rise above the rest! You could see worlds you never thought you would! Learn things you never thought possible! Magic! Things go way deeper than that puddle you call human existence, trust me. All you have to be willing to do is take it for yourself!"
Derrick was deep in thought for a moment before looking up.
"I agree. On one condition."
"Oh?"
"Mckenna gets to join me. You make her immortal and I will join you."
"Well... hmmm. Its highly unnatural but, what the heck. Deal granted!" The two shook hands and Derrick started to feel strange. Like some sort of energy growing inside him and it wasn't just his penis slowly creeping down his leg.
"Whats going on!?"
"Oh fear not, your bodies just getting acclimated to immortality."
Derrick had always been a relaxed guy when it came to exercise but now it looked like he always had been. His normally slightly flabby stomach was now home to a chisled set of abs. His arms and legs became more toned and muscular. When he felt the changes stop he inspected himself, already glad he made the deal.
But then he felt another change. He undid his tightening pants only to see thick fur, akin to Pan's starting to coat his own legs.
"This wasn't part of the deal!"
"Oh but yes it was, specifically under God like powers."
Derrick was about to offer rebuttal when he felt his legs burst through his jeans. The fur now covered his legs and got to his feet. His toes begun to fuse together in cloven hooves. His penis grew large and flared at the tip, turning into a fully ursine penis. He gripped it and almost immediately cummed as the changes easily brought him to climax. To top it all off Derrick could now feel a tail spiral around his furry legs. He leaned on the bedframe for a moment to catch his breath before finally saying
"Alright, now let me see my girlfriend"
Pan tugged at his collar and begun to explain
"Well it appears your girlfriend well. She did something she wasn't supposed to and well. Let me just bring her in" he waved his hand and McKenna the fuck plant was now on the table next to the bed.
She may have been completely changed into a constantly horny, sucking creature but Derrick could tell it was Mckenna.
"What did you do to her you son of a bitch!" Pan waved his hand and a stack of books appeared next to Mckenna.
"Look Derrick, here's what you can do. In one of these books there's probably a spell to reverse a transformation like that. You familiarize yourself with them and let me know if you need help. Toodles!" And with that final utterance of toodles, Pan was gone.
"Alright babe I'm going to- uhah." While Derrick was busy being mad at Pan Mckenna had found Derrick thick throbbing member and was now quickly sucking.
One second Hailey was carrying her friend turned fuck plant and the next she wasn't. She briefly stopped to look around and called out
"Mckenna!?" She stopped for a moment to listen for Mckennas sucking noises but heard nothing. She them decided she had no time to waste and kept looking down the long hallways filled with doors, trying to listen for her boyfriend.
Around five minutes later she approached a long carpeted hallway when she saw him, joe! He was lying down in a cot in what appeared to be a strange cave. He looked strange, he was covered in dirt and his clothes were all torn. She went to open the door when she felt a hand on her arm.
"I personally wouldn't recommend that young lady." She reeled back in shock at the half man half goat in a fancy suit before her.
"Who-who are you?"
"Im Pan, the famous diety of Greek fame, but that's not important. Essentially I run this place. All the things you've seen, your friend, the farmer, the farm itself. Its all ran by me. And let me say I am pleasantly surprised you managed to resist your changes. Well, mostly." He poked the layer of fat still surrounding Haileys stomach.
"What in the hell is wrong with you! Let me go!"
"Not quite yet. Hailey I'm offering you a deal. Granted how impressed I am with you it would be unfit to simply keep you here without a choice. Here is the choice. You go through that door" he gestures behind him as a glowing door appears. "And you get out of here scott free. Don't worry about the repercussions of your friends going missing I can have that taken care of. Maybe even your boyfriend over there will pass the test and you two can ride off into the sunset. But, you go rush to your boyfriend now and there's no going back. Trust me, there's no way out. Make the smart choice."
"Sometimes... the smart choice isn't the best choice. Sometimes you have to do what's right."
"And to think I had respect for you" Pan dissappeared into a puff of smoke as the glowing door closed. She went over and tried to open the door to the cave but it wouldn't budge.
"This isn't fair Pan!" No response. Hailey watched as her boyfriend awoke and she banged on the glass. He made no reaction to it. She watched as a bearded old man came in and said something to Joe. She continued to bang on the glass.
Joe awoke, alone. He looked around to try and interpret his surroundings but all he saw was an empty cave with an opening to one end. Strewn around him was various medicinal items like herbs, mortar and pestle, bandages, ect. As he finally realized he was super dirty and disheveled a man hobbled into the room and said
"Its nice to see you Joe, how are you feeling?"
"What? Where am I? Who are you?"
"Ah I see, in one of your moods again. Joe, you've been here two months. I'm Jack Hewitt. I've taken care of you ever since the crash."
"What crash?"
"Oh yes, you and what I assume were your friends were driving along the road near here and you hit a tree. I saw the whole thing and tried to rescue all of you. I'm afraid your friends are dead Joe."
"What? It can't be! I thought we had run out of gas and-and"
"Here, drink up. It'll help you concentrate." Jack handed Joe a small vial which he cautiously drank. Almost immediately what blurry recollection he had of them running out of gas shifted to him being dragged from the burning car by Jack. He then remembered snippets of being carried to a small wooded camp and being placed in the cave.
He watched as Jack smashed up some herb in the morter and pestle before offering it the Joe.
"This is the ukamimus herb, wakes you up." Joe took this and instinctively chewed on it slowly.
"If you need anything Joe, don't be afraid to ask." With that, Jack left Joe alone in the cave. Joe thought about his friends. Derrick, Mckenna, Hailey. He thought more about Hailey, and his sorrow turned to arousal with his penis growing in his pants.
Checking that Jack wasn't near Joe took off his riped jeans and touched his throbbing member. He thought of Hailey as he rubbed his cock. Her round supple breasts, her cute brown hair, her ability to eat a lot of food.
He stopped for a moment. Why had he thought something like that? He dismissed it and continued. As he approached orgasm he thought more about her. Her scent. He remembered one time when she came home after a jog and was all sweaty and then they had sex. He focused in on her sweat and how much he liked it. As he was lost in this haze he missed his stomach gain weight. Then he orgasmed, as he did so his balls grew and his penis became even longer.
He stood up, still fully erect and nude and realized he was now at least a foot taller.
"What the? Eh, must have grew in sleep." He then heard his stomach growl so he headed out of the cave almost hitting his head on the ten foot high opening. Almost as if he read his mind Jack was cooking a goat on a skewer over a camp fire.
"Im hunger." He said aloud, not addressing his nudity. Jack said nothing and watched Joe grab a leg off the goat and eating it to the bone. As he ate he gained even more weight until he was sitting around four hundred pounds.
When he was finished he walked back to his cave. The bottom part of his face began to jut out and two of his bottom teeth grew put into protruding tusks.
Going to jerk off again he looked down and felt something was wrong but couldn't quite place it.
"Me... fat? I no fat." Any harder words escaped him as the usually smart Joe searched for words he didn't know. He inhaled his musk.
"I big stinky troll. But I human? I human! Or... I fat troll?" He scratched his head as he tried to figure out the answer.
"I horny troll." With that he jerked off one more time and official crossed the point of no return. At that very moment a door that was previously closed swung open behind him.
"Joe!" The massive troll turned around to see his... his... he couldn't find the word for it. After settling on mate he said
"Hay Hay? Why you here?"
"Im here to get you out. You have to fight the transformation!"
"Tran-tran... me no change. I'm a big stinky dumb troll." Hailey then tried to explain what was happening but Joe wasn't listening. He instead was focused on Haileys breasts and how much he wanted her to suck his dick. A trickle of drool fell from his mouth as he walked towards her, his fat jiggling with every step.
"Joe? Joe!?" He grabbed her and brought her towards his large sweaty penis. She tried to pull away but he was too strong. His penis entered her mouth and the taste of sweat and the smell of musk engulfed her.
'Must resist!' She thought as the sweat covered penis touched the back of her throat. But the smell of his musk soon became too much and she fully gave herself to him.
She regained weight and lost her even slightly thin figure. Her nose flared up and extended outwards into a piggy snout. As her ears grew and flopped over Joe finally came unleashing his salty load into her mouth. He fell back in ecstasy as she detached and fell onto her side. Her eyes lost some of her human blue in exchange for a pigs dull brown. A small tail curled from her backside as her hands and feet merged into simple trotters. Her transformation finished as she rounded out into a barrel shaped body. She snorted and looked up
Pan had entered the room and put a hoof on the pigs back. She looked up at him cluelessly with dull brown eyes. Pan sighed and began to lead her back to the farm.
Epiloge
Joe awoke like most days, horny. Almost two actual months had passed since he had been transformed but Joe did not know or care. He simply woke up, ate a leg off the goat that magically appeared every morning and masturbated. Jack had long gone leaving Joe alone in a small forested area. He wasn't sad or bored. He was content with his simple life of eating, jerking off, and sleeping. But one day that all changed when a girl named Alda had stumbled through the forrest, half human half troll but changing rapidly. By the time they finished having sex she was fully a four hundred pound troll. Now his days consited of eating goat with Alda, having sex with Alda, talking to Alda (which wasn't anything complex given their limited vocabulary), and sleeping with his arms around Alda. And Joe, well. He finally felt happy.
After she had been taken back to the farm Hailey had adapted quickly. Having the mind of a pig made it easy. She had very blurry memories of her friends but otherwise she was like any other sow. She got to eat slop, mud bathe, and have sex with boars. It was nice. Around two months after she had arrived at the farm she was visited by Pan. "Hailey?" She perked up without knowing why and trotted over to the man she remembered brought her here. "Look, I've given it thought and I'd like to grant you an opportunity." She looked at him dumbly and snorted. "Oh, right" he said and waived his hand. Suddenly all of Haileys intelect had returned and memories flooded back. She looked down at her fat quadrupled form and snorted in panic. "Shhh shhh shhh." He ran his hand down her back. She hated how much this calmed her. "Like I said I have an opportunity for you. You can either remain a dumb sow for the rest of eternity or you could become one of my actors. Youd live a good life shape-shifting into various forms to trick people into changing into creatures. I don't usually do this but I was thinking about how well you did in your test even if you did slip up there at the end." She considered her options in her head. As a sow she didn't even realize what she was missing but now that she could think she decided that whatever it took, she would be human again. A minute later Hailey stood up and Pan outstretched his hand "Welcome aboard!"
"Retrindoso!" Derrick let out another spell directed at his potted girlfriend and then sighed at the lack of effect. He had been trying for two months to turn his girlfriend back. Hsi spacious room was filled with books and little notes but still all he had managed to do was make her boobs bigger.The spell he tried was intended to make someone young again so he figured if she was human when she was young she would be human again. Sadly it didnt work. He looked at another spell and put his finger in her mouth and she quickly sucked on it. "Greendeich!" He yelled and waited to see if anything happened. As nothing did he looked for another spell when... Mckennas leaves began to sperate into distinct fingers and her roots spread out into toes. She stood up an eyed Derrick whose attention was still on the book. Her dick sucking mouth receded into a normal human one. She then said "babe?" Derrick spun around in shock. His girlfriend was still completely green and covered in vines but she was humanoid! "Mckenna?!" Mckenna jumped at him and said "I wanna fuck you so bad!" As she began to go down on him Derrick thought 'Hey, its a start!'
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Trust (1)
I waited two days to finally give up.
I gave him two days to maybe fess up or tell me it’s all in my head.
But what was the point?
What point is there in an us anyways
What am I really fighting for?
So as he texted me to say he would be busy tonight and not come over (again nothing new but this time I knew for a fact he is not busy with work)
I knew that this was the final straw that broke the camel’s back
I went to my room and started packing everything that had a trace of him.
We were so good together at the beginning like any other couple happy as though they could take on the world he trusted me with his heart and vice versa.
But a few months ago he started coming over less not picking up my calls cancelling on dates last minute telling me he would be at the studio but really he is out with the boys.
My first mistake was giving him my trust how could I have given him such a precious thing he made me think he was different then the last
Pfft the last guy actually proposed to me and had me by the strings of my heart but later I found out he also had two other girls but no thats ok cause-
“I’m the one he actually proposed to and wanted a future with, So I shouldn’t mind the other two since I’m the one with the ring”
But he is right that ring did give a better future it helped start my company that I run with my cousin.
That is how I met Christian, my company deals with design ideas of studios to even album covers I was the one in charge of setting up and organization of the studio while my cousin was the one in charge of album jackets and other things.
From there we met all different sorts of people and actually became good friends with some of our regular customers.
We met by pure coincidence, we had mutual friends so one day we were at the same birthday party and we just hit it off.
Urgh just remembering it made me realize why the hell did I fall for him.
I tried to push him away I even told him how my last relationship went but he was so sure he would be different that he IS different (my ass you would be different)
I tried to think maybe this time it was all in my head cause “Its Christian he would never do this”
But the more I tried to convince my self the more that voice in my head who I like to call Ms. Insecurities kept on nagging me.
“He said he won’t come over tonight cause he is busy at the studio but on Dabin’s insta story he is partying at the club”
“How boring are you that he just didn’t invite you out to hang with his friends?”
“What could he be hiding from you that he doesn’t even invite you out as much anymore?”
But two days ago is what really finally convinced you that just maybe Ms. Insecurities was actually Ms Instinct that was telling you maybe everything your doubting could be true.
Two days ago
You had a cross-fit class today and your phone arm strap broke just before you were leaving your place.
So since your classes are close to Christians house you might as well steal his
You already knew his pass code you walked in and went straight to his bedroom just as you opened the door the door flew open and out walked this gorgeous girl and she looked like she was about to leave.
“Oh hello! Are you cleaning lady? Christian told me you were coming by”
“Ahhhh?”
Her phone started ringing
“Sorry give me a sec….oh hey babe!! Yeah she just came in just as I was about to leave….mmhmm ok will do”
“Hey I gotta go you know how Christian is hahaha”
“Uh”
“OH I wanted to ask do you mind washing my clothes with Christians’ clothes I am sick of carrying my stuff back and forth from here”
“Sure”
“Thank you!!… ah shit I’m late gotta go! Don’t forget to lock up!!!”
Twenty minutes later I still stood there still in absolute shock I didn’t even hear the door she slam when she walked out my heart beating so loud I can’t even hear myself breath.
I walked into the bedroom and almost threw up
His cloths were on the floor with hers like its a normal thing they have been doing for god knows how long
The next thing I knew went around his room took stuff I owned and got out of there and ran all the way home and just as I walked into my place closed my door that was when I finally broke.
End of Flashback
I took his stuff to my car and drove to his place.
As I walked inside thanking god that he was not here.
I placed his stuff on the ground besides his shoes so he wouldn’t miss it.
As I started to walk away my hand subconsciously went toward the necklace he gave me as congratulatory gift of giving us a chance.
Flashback
“Ok close your eyes Y/N”
“Christian if you put a bug on me again I will take Lori away and you will never see her again”
“Ok first of all you monster!!!….and second of all I promise it nothing bad trust me”
“Fine”
I closed my eyes and felt him lift my hair and put something around my neck
I opened my eyes and looked down and saw a gorgeous necklace “What is this? its so pretty”
“You like it?” He asked while holding my had and interlacing our fingers
“I love it but what is it for?”
“Just a thank you for giving us a try” he smiled and leaned onto my forehead with his eyes closed
“Hahaha aww you are the sweetest I leaned forward and give him a kiss.
End
I took it off and left it on the kitchen counter.
As I walked away I got my phone out and started deleting hin and blocking him from everything so he had no chance of contacting me.
I called up my cousin who knew what was going on since she has always been my soundboard.
She was fully supportive in this plan and with everything else
I double checked my emails for anything new from work that I needed to know before I left on my two weeks of "vacation” (meaning crashing at my cousins place and have some me time)
I looked inside his apartment one last time
And as I slowly closed the door my heart starts to become numb
I walked towards my car and just as I was about to drive off my phone rings.
I knew it was him
I picked up the phone
“Hey babe I finished early coming over right now”
“No thats ok you dont have too”
“Its fine I want too I miss you so much babe we have so many things to catch up on”
“Yeah like the fact you have been cheating on me for god knows how long?”
“Christian…”
“Hey?…what going on? you sound off is everything ok?:
I closed my eyes tight trying not to cry
"I am done with this Christian”
“Done with what?”
“With us”
“What do you mean? Where is this coming from? Babe I want to know what is making you say this!”
“Lose my number and never contact me again good bye Christian”
“What the fuck?…no I am coming over right now and we will talk about this!!”
I hung up the phone turned it off and drove to my cousins after five minutes of driving I pulled over to side of road cause everything started to get blury and just sobbed in my car and letting everything out.
This was it this was the end .
________________________________________________________________
Author Notes:
I don’t even know where this come from ahhhhhh……
Should I continue?
Give me some feed back guys let me know what you think!!!
#christian yu scenarios#christian yu#khh#khh scenarios#i dont know where the fuck this came#sorry about the angst#christian yu angst
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So this has become more of a journal/grief thing which is interesting because I’ve also had a blogger but set to private since like 13 so thats intense and I have thousands of compulsive letters to no one, but my head just doesn’t seem to sort itself out, unless I can actually slow down enough, like right here.
Today,
Woke up 2 hours earlier than usual so I could have 1.5 hours more to instal my art, the word art makes me uncomfortable which is funny to me, so I went to install my thing but there was an accident so instead I got there with 30 mins, I got most of it done but not all, didn’t matter it was an inprogress crit and I could enough up to see. I always have so much in my head and I also used text this time which I thought was also funny because when talked about they called it poetry and I just didn’t even look at it like that
I feel like this is the first project I didn’t stress over at all, but also had a lot of time to do it and no pressure from the teacher with harsh deadlines or anything so that was part of it, the other part is being in such a place of discomfort and shock that I have to be slow and I don’t have it in me to add any more chaos to the grief I’m feeling. So for me that is actually one benefit of this, its just saying fuck it to a lot of things, but in good ways.
my teacher cried during my crit which made me feel just great, and then I didn’t get a parking ticket but I should have, so I was excited and left but then went back to remove my shit and photo and then I went to get my car and bring it closer for the camera (long story) but I drove my car back in a slightly different spot and then still got a ticket because the chalk was still on my wheels even though I was gone for at least an hour and a half. but whatever theres like 4 hours worth of “work”, not my biggest worries though.
Then I busted my phone, my thoughts were oh well now I have an excuse for not wanting to respond to this persons text about hanging out.
so i go get my old phone to see if I should still use that one, and ofcorse doing this leads me to 1 years worth of messages with gus. The struggle is real, I can’t even cry because this is so overwhelming, I knew it was always hard, and I was different this time around because I Was pushing back, but like you just see the back and forward nature and gus is like “im done” this is too much for me and then the next day or same day its like hopeful for the future we have and even one that was a super cute photo of like flower people (to me it was super sexual but he didn’tn notice this until I pointed it out then we joked about being watered) but he said he wouldn’t worry any more and that he was sure no matter where we ended up we’d do something good or something like that, something that could make a small difference or whatever and that is heartbreaking, then you know the next day all over again fast and furious and I imagine how exhausting that was for gus, it’s overwhelming and I Feel in my state of greif I can understand BUT from the point of view that I have a reason to feel these ways which is much easier than to have a seemingly perfect life, beautiful face, no visible problems and people think stop whining or whatever and you feel crazy as shit because nothing feels right but nothing is wrong except you. Thats not a good feeling. Thats the invisible wheel chair. I just wish I had done so many different things, and said so many different things, I started joining in on the upset because I Wasn’t going to do that this time, I was being hurt to so lots of fuck you’s and I love yous and its fucking nuts, its all nuts, and this was the last time... I had no idea what I was in for. I could have done better but I was too involved, and also blinded by optimism. you don’t know whats in someones head and I forgot while gus was honest, he also had a way of only discolosing certain info, I thought he didn’t do that with me but in reality I can see now he did, just like he picked and chose what to tell his therapist about me, so that my image was protected. Gus was odd in that way, to protect my image because of how he felt, and its not that he was protecting his image to me, but I know he did want us to work out and he was giving me his best sides, and I loved those sides, and to think I got all the good, and yet still by the day, maybe week, maybe once a month you name it we would have really confusing fights where he would insit on withdrawing and I should have let him, I should have understood it was TOO much like he said I mean I thought I felt it was too much too, but like then it comes down to the I dont want to live without you
and he realizes he can’t live with me
and he doesn’t want to keep hurting me or his mom, and he realizes he could actually really hurt either one of us when he’s not making any sense
and its exhausting back and forth, one week feels like a fucking month, and I think his whole teen/adult life was like that, it was super condensed and super fast. He did travel, he did live in a commune for a period, dual citizenship, went through a good amount of personality growth and interests, and the last being one that I respect a lot, permaculture, and then the things that stayed the same with him like the inside jokes and the laughing, his clenliness and interest in some rap with the perfect lyrics and same taste in music, so loving, so embracing.
I can’t read these and think its over, I still open the door to his room when I get home and I think Hey Gus I’m back!! and I want to tackle him and give him all the hugs and kisses. The thing is we never had that though, I mean I never came home here, this was never my home, always a place I felt welcome but I didn’t live here, and I didn’t come here like every day nor usually when I was done with school, there would be times wher eI’d come but he would greet me at the front door, so this coming into the room and him being there is a fantasy I’ve created, Its the one where I think god like why couldn’t this be how it was, why couldn’t we have been this ideal happy family.. why did you have to leave, and why did I go so hard on you, and I know it wasn’ my choice but I really I’m so stubborn I can’t get over it I can’t forgive myself, I can’t thin it couldn’t have been different because it could have, and it wasn’t and I was part of that circle. I failed in ways I wasn’t aware of but I still feel accountable.
So now to complete my overwhelming day,
to see the medium perform ! Gus I hope you come, Ive been talking outloud to him, it comforts me, I think now Im going to be crazy lady , the one that doesn’t talk to cats but talks to the deceased bf.
Its a disaster. I can’t be the same. I feel so wrong, but also free in all my wrongness because I can say piss off, I’m still working on my piss of people pleasing skills because it just happens, I get nervous, then adrenaline that allows me to perform instead of being myself, or how I Feel. instead I can only use words and when my expression doesn’t match people don’t take me seriously, how can I blame them ?
I just miss you,
I have a bracelet from the women in my group, she said she thought of me, that means so much to me, it says “my story isn’t over yet” super cliche but the intention and the person behind it just makes me cry because we share the worst thing imaginable. Blessed. although I’m not sure how to ever wear it because its a set size metal bangle type which never fit my wrists.
I feel pretty nuts when I write like this, but I’d rather be here than having real friends and feeling like im going to have a melt down. I can’t cry right now even after reading those texts, I don’t know how I feel. I’m confused and upset but its numbing today.
I do think gus was Bipolar which was what he said the first time around, he had actually been diagnosed, but that fell through, which I partically wonder if that was my influence on him and unfortunately I think between me and drug counceling he was oppossed to understanding the benefit of medication/or even necessity, and also the benefits of being diagnosed so proper treatment can at least be attempted, even though, unfortunately, the books just don’t always work. Like the book of parenting, or relationships because I Was all wrong, and I have to think from the side of being with someone mentally ill, while I knwo I can’t be treated like crap, most of the time gus wasn’t treating me poorly other than making me hurt by the break ups and while I knew sometimes it was him being withdrawn and worried about how I felt, or being paranoid and we’d be okay sometimes it wasn’t that easy and my emotions would also take over so I’d believe him entirely and I’d be very hurt because it would always be very sudden. if only wed gotten help sooner, but I think again this time he was actually doing everything by the “book” all at once, he was invested in his interests, he was working out, he had a routine, a loving girlfriend, he was sober, seeking help..
and then he looses his shit with me and we think okay moving therapy up
then he looses his shit with his mom
then he’s gone
it doesn’t feel good when you’re doing all the “right” things, thats why I said he wasn’t patient, you expect results, tired of hurting people and tired of feeling hurt, overwhelmed and the fucking pyshcotic voices convincing you of things that make no sense and go against what is actually true, the ones that tell you we’d be better off without you. the ones that told you I was lying or only using you, or whatever
IT wasn’t fair for you or us, and this is the price for all of it. We’d do anything to have you back. I still would have rather been taken out first, but that isn’t what happened. I need your mom to have something from you, I have my dreams but she is sinking and needs to hear something, what is “real” doesn’t matter because to me, whats there is real, just like your delusions, they were real.
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The Broken Heart of John Laurens
(I was inspired by the song Congratulations by Blue October. If you havent heard the song or see the lyrics you will know why. Anyways enjoy! Also sorry for the spacing. its a habit for some reason.)
“Is that seat taken?”
John looked up and he almost fell over in surprise.
“Alex! Its been forever!” he exclaimed.
Alex just laughed and sat down next to him. It seemed forever since Alex left the college they both attended. Alex was still as handsome for ever and John remembered the few “occurrences” they had. They both were lonely and stupid but John never regretted it. His chest still fluttered from the memories.
“May I ask why you're at some women's' clothing store?” To be honest John forgot the name.
“You first.”
“Im trying to help Hercules get inspiration by taking pictures of clothing or something like that yet he asked a nurse for inspiration.” John said with a laugh.
Alex nodded in understanding and then looked towards the women's' changing room.
“Im waiting on my fiancee. Remember Eliza?” Alex said.
John's eyes widened and his chest felt like someone shot it. However he faked happiness and grinned.
“Oh congratulations! Im sure the best of woman will be the best of wives.” John said laughing slightly.
Alex smiled and then looked at his phone. A sigh left his mouth but he only smiled wider.
“Eliza is sending me to the smoothie shop in the mall. She'll be a while.” Alex said.
He then turned to John and held his hand out.
“Would you like to take a walk with me?”
As the months until the wedding turned into weeks John's chest threatened to collapse on itself. Herc and Laf were excited to learn their old friend was getting married. They were even happy for John being the best man. Around his friends John would fake happiness and tell jokes when his heart would beg to stop. The four decided to get drunk together before the wedding. Not like a bachelors party but a hang out kind. Soon Alex had his pants on his head while doing an impression of an elephant and he forgot they were there. John thought it was too funny so he didn't let the shorter man know. Everything was going great until Herc said something.
“Y'know I always thought you would marry John yeah?”
Laf and Alex laughed and it seemed like a joke for everyone. Everyone but John. John pretended to laugh awkwardly but his eyes were watering. No one seemed to notice and Alex just patted a hand on John's back.
“We could fuck for old times sake. Heck you could join Eliza and I for our wedding night!” he said with an eyebrow waggle or something trying to be that.
“I-I'd rather not Alex.” John replied.
“But you're sho pretty!”
“Alex..”
John wanted to get out of Herc's apartment and go home. But everyone was laughing and Alex was insisting.
“You're still as pretty as we met Jack..” Alex said in a more lower voice that sent shivers down John's spine.
Alex slid a hand up John's thigh and that was enough.
“Alex I said no!” John said as he stood up suddenly.
“Geez are you cranky or ssshhomething?” Alex asked clearly trying to be funny.
“No. Im done ok? You left me on your own accord . You got engaged to Eliza. You dont get to do that anymore!” John said.
John could feel his tears sliding down.
“You left me.”
Laf then stood up and walked John into Herc's bedroom and held him as John sobbed and shouted into the Frenchman's chest. Laf was always a great friend and knew how to comfort others the right way.
“Shh....”
Eventually John fell asleep and when he woke up he was in the guest bedroom. His head hurt too much. Soon the memories of the previous night flooded back and John managed to hold back the tears. He got out of bed, got dressed and walked into the living room. Laf and Alex were sitting on the couch watching some sort of boring show.
“Good morning mon ami. There are omelettes on the counter over there.” Laf greeted with a smile.
John could see the slight sadness in Laf's eyes but he ignored it. He got his food and sat on the floor. The food was good but he hurt to much to appreciate it.
“We should do this again. I assume I blacked out because of my lack of memories.” Alex said.
“Im sure Eliza would hate us for getting you drunk like that again. You had your pants on your head.” John said with a cheeky grinn.
Alex said something like Don't patronize me boy. John finished his food and said left early saying he had a lot of work to do at home. However when he went home he curled up in bed and sobbed until he passed out. He missed three texts and a call from Alex.
John helped Alex tie his green tie. Everyone was in a flurry for the wedding. Herc was helping the ladies with makeup, hair and dresses and Laf was assisting him since he was better at hair. John hated that he was alone with Alex. His chest was tight and the lump in his throat wouldn't leave. He feigned happiness though. He feigned it for Alex.
“Alrighty Mr. Groom! The tie has been tied.” John said slightly dramatically.
It made Alex laugh and John almost lost it there. He knew that laugh wouldn't be his ever again but he had to be strong. Thats when he noticed his hands were still on the other's chest. He quickly removed his hands and put them in his pockets.
“You look great man! You practically are the belle of the ball.” John said half sincere half teasing.
Alex's smile seemed strained and he just stared at John. Thats when he hugged John tightly. The two were very close. John only awkwardly hugged back. Tears threatened to fall.
“Im sorry for leaving you. Im sorry for never having the courage to officially ask you out. I-Just lately i've been thinking what would have happened if we got together.”
John held Alex closer and let a tear fall. Soon a tear became five and five became ten. John however managed to keep his voice from wavering.
“You would just be unhappy. You're marrying a smart, pretty and independent woman Alex. You are so lucky! I'm so happy for you. The both of you.”John said with what was left of his resolve.
Alex smiled at him but you could tell he was still pained. Just then Herc knocked on the door.
“Alex it's time! You better be ready!”
The two separated and followed their friend to the chapel. The wedding went on without a hitch and Eliza was absolutely stunning. She lit up the whole place and John swore some blue birds dressed her instead of Angelica and Herc. There were tiny blue flowers in her hair and her dress was soft and flowed very nicely. She was the very definition of a bride. It made John happy and envious. The two exchanged rings, kissed and went to the reception hall with everyone else. John lagged behind and decided to just go sit in the parlor where he got Alex ready. Every emotion was pressing to be released but he had to hold on. He didn't want to ruin this for Alex.
“Aren't you going to join us mon ami?”
John looked up to see Laf walk over and sit next to him like the mom friend he was.
“I will in a bit. I just needed to answer a phone call.” he lied.
“John I know a broken heart when I see one.” Laf said seriously but not harshly.
Thats when John started to sniffle. The sniffle turned into a full blown sob. Wails and hiccups filled the room as John let everything out.
“I cant change this! I can never take it back! I can never change his mind and I cant take it! My pain wont cover up Laf!” he sobbed.
Laf just sat listening. John couldn't see through the tears but he could tell his friend's face was of sorrow and remorse for the the other. John just let everything he built up over the months and years of being alone and heartbroken by the man he adored the most. The two sat there till the smaller man no longer shook with sobs and wails. John felt better and he felt numb but it was fine.
“Laf..I think im just gonna go for a drive. Can you give my speech to Alex? Just say something came up at the hospital and I had to go. Please?” John said as he handed over index cards to Laf.
“I will make sure he gets it. Please be safe John..” Laf said as he gave his friend a tight hug.
When the two separated and Laf made sure John left alright he returned to the reception hall when he was immediately bombarded with Alex.
“Where's John? Did you find him?” Alex asked worriedly.
“When I found him he had just gotten off of a phone call with the hospital. They needed him ASAP so he left. He's sorry and told me to give these to you.” Laf lied.
As Alex read the speech John was driving somewhere else. He eventually found himself in Central Park somehow and he sat down on a bench alone. He remembered this was where he and Alex first kissed. He smiled at the bittersweet memory and looked up at the tree branches above him.
“Make it go away.”
#lams#lams fic#lams fanfiction#alexander hamilton#hamilton#hamilton fanfic#John Laurens#lafayette#hamilton lafayette#Hercules Mulligan#eliza schuyler
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