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#and when dad went to go see what was happening bc we hadnt heard from him in a while me and my brother were home alone
hearty-an0n · 3 years
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m. its 2 am im gonna open my heart up
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My mum knew when I was really young that I wasnt straight. Not that she consciously recognised it. I was the child she constantly told that love was love. I could love whoever I wanted and that was okay. I was the child that was constantly told by my parents that gays deserved rights and that they would always love me no matter what. I was the child they excitedly told when gay marriage finally became legal.
I grew up repressed with severe internalized homophobia issues. To the point where to this day I still severely struggle with it.
My grandad doesnt believe in gay rights. He thinks it's a phase. That these people are ill. The village I grew up in was very Christian. Being gay was wrong. It was disgusting. Gay people needed serious mental help (ironically half the people my age that grew up there have turned out to be part of the lgbtq+ community).
I went to high school in the neighbouring city. Where everyone around me talked about how disgusting being gay is. The fear of a gay person in the changing rooms was talking about constantly. Gay adoption and marriage was considered wrong. Liking people of the same sex was considered disgusting and uncomfortable.
I was terrified everytime I had to get changed for pe. I was terrified to just look at other girls. And it didnt help that the majority of my friends were boys. I didnt spend much time with girls. The one girl I was good friends with- was suddenly the source of rumours. Everyone at school knew before I did. Talked about if before I accepted it.
She's gay.
I denied it. I didn't believe I was for a second. Did everything I possibly could to prove I wasn't. And yet for my last 2 years at school everyone made jokes about my sexuality. Told me I was gay and in love with my friend. (Maybe I was. Maybe I wasn't. I refused to process my emotions properly back then.) They joked about how I was only straight until I was horny. That I was so obviously gay. But it was a joke. A mocking thing that made me feel so horrific that I did awful, horrific things to prove everyone wrong. Things I have to live with, that i hate myself for. Just becaus every time someone suggested I might be gay, all I could think of was 'it's so wrong.' 'Its disgusting' 'its cruel to children to be raised by gay parents' '1 in 5 people are gay, I sure as hell hope it's never going to be me' 'nobody wants to be gay, it's an illness.' 'I cant be around gay people, they make me uncomfortable' 'they'll stare at you in the changing rooms' 'they'll force themselves on you'
I still cant share a bed with another girl without being terrified. I cant be in the same room as another woman getting changed - I havent had to deal with PE in a decade. Havent heard those whispers in a decade.
Every time I become friends with another girl I'm terrified of what will happen when they find out I'm gay. I can't connect with them properly.
And sometimes. Sometimes I just truly hate myself. I hate the fact I find women attractive. That I'd rather spend the rest of my life with a woman rather than a man. Sometimes, often, I still find that disgust curling up in my stomach.
It doesnt matter that I dont live there anymore. That I now live somewhere so open and so easy to accept everyone and anyone. It doesnt matter that I've admitted it to myself, my family, and my friends. That I tell people so easily, I'm gay.
I'm still terrified of what would happen if people from my home found out. I still hear their conversations. Their mocking words. I still feel the effects of their homophobia. And sometimes I still wish I could pretend I was straight.
I was lucky to be born into such an open and accepting family. But by god, I wish I'd been brought up where I live now. I wish I didnt lie in bed hating myself so much at times. I wish I could be at peace with who I am. Rather than wishing I could go back in time and somehow change myself.
I remember telling my mum I was gay, and her not understanding why I was so distraught. Because 'you should know by now I love you no matter what' - and I didnt know how to tell her society, my friends, our community, were all going to despise me. Hate me. Tell me I told you so. I told my dad minutes after he said he wished his daughters were gay bc he hated dealing with the heterosexual drama and boyfriends. He couldn't understand why I was crying, because he wanted gay children. He had told me my whole life he would always love me no matter what. I was free to love whoever I wanted. And I didnt know how to tell him the world made me feel like I was disgusting and wrong and my existence was even worse than that of rapists.
And my grandpa, who I dont get on with, who doesnt really like me, who I was sure hated the gay community (and he has since admitted that if it was years prior he would have disowned me over sexuality) emailed me to tell me he was proud of me, that being gay wasnt wrong and he had been wrong about how he felt about the lgbtq+ community.
My grandad still thinks I'm going through a phase.
My best friend came out to me in tears, telling me he wished he had known we were both struggling, so we could have at least had each other.
When I finally told my other friends. There was no 'I told you so's' suddenly talking about sexuality wasnt a thing. It was a taboo topic nobody wanted to deal with. The girl everyone joked I was in love with, slowly disappeared from my life.
It's funny until it's true. And that's when you really realise the jokes were really, truly jokes. They didnt believe what they were saying. They just enjoyed the rise they got out of you.
And when I think about being a teenager. Despite the fact its ten years long. The only thing I can truly remember is the internal and external homophobia. Everything else feels hazy. The good times. The bad. It's all a fog that's over-taken by the self-loathing that I still carry.
I wish I could tell my teenage self that it gets better.
I wish my parents would believe me when I tell them I dont blame them for living where they did. We couldn't afford to move. They loved me, they love me, and that's what matters.
I wish I hadnt spent so long chanting 'I'm not gay' before bed. Because I knew from the age of 13, and spent the rest of my teen years in denial. Telling myself I was wrong.
But then I see my sister. My sister who is 10 years younger than me. Who had a big sister come out when she was just 8 years old (I came out at 18, yet spent a further 2 years trying to prove I wasnt. I came out too early. But I figured myself out. Accepted myself more, with the help of my family, and my best friend). She has grown up with more progressive media. Has moved to a more progressive place. Hell, her school has an lgbtq+ club. She has one (1) straight friend. She came out as bisexual at 12. But the older shes getting she thinks that her male crushes were caused by heteronormality and she thinks she might be gay. And shes open. Shes proud. Shes unapologetic in who and what she is.
I think about my self hatred. My self-loathing. About my internalised homophobia. I think of every night I spent lying in bed thinking 'One in five people is gay, it's not me. It won't be me. I'm not gay.' And I look at my little, wonderfully, unapologetically herself, little sister. And I think, that every struggle I've ever been through is worth it. If she gets to feel proud of herself because I've come out. Because my parents had to move bc of me. Because I've done everything I can to support her. To love her. To pretend to love myself for who I am in front of her.
Every day I struggle, I think to myself she doesnt have to. I'm one of the last millennials. She's gen z. And shes not my kid. But theres such a large age gap that I feel that generational difference. And I can't have children of my own. And suddenly, I find myself understand what my parents mean when they say that their suffering was worth it whenever they see us gain something out of it. Making things easier for someone you love, for someone so young, it makes it almost feel like it was worth it.
That trauma is going to stay with me. But my coming out too early, is what had my sister questioning her own sexuality. And it happened early enough in her life. She was questioning it before she hit her teens. She told me she knew she liked girls before she hit ten. But she wasnt too sure what that meant. And she wa worried because biphobia in our family is bad. But the we moved away. And she was watching adventure time and steven universe. And I was suddenly openly accepting myself and flirting with girls. And making jokes about my sexuality. And she came out. So young. So proud. And my parents were accepting of her bisexuality (albeit worried about how the rest of the family would react). And I did what I could to support her. Buying badges and flags and taking her to pride. And now shes come out as fully gay and I'm so happy and hoe safe she felt her journey has been. That at 15 she isnt scared to tell her friends (and they're not afraid to tell her). At 15 she might actually have a girlfriend. And shes been to pride. Goes to pride.
And I am so, so proud of her.
I would love to go back in time and tell myself that it's okay to accept who I am. But I cant.
But my sister grew up knowing it was okay to accept who she was. And my coming out helped my best friend accept who he was.
I didnt have any lgbtq+ friends growing up (that I knew about). There were no clubs. No tv shows. My only support was my mum and my dad.
My sister has a club. She has our family. Her friends. Her school (no awful changing room comments. No snide remarks) She has an open and accepting community. I feel so relieved that she'll (hopefully, pls universe, be kind to her) never have the same experiences I did.
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july 21
hello. july 21 is a special day for me and you dont have to read this because its just me venting out my thoughts and emotions as long as i can without word/character limits on any platform.
july 21 is my maternal grandmother’s birthday. when i was born, my mom went abroad often and my dad had the regular 9 to 5 job plus extra hours for commute. so growing up with my sisters who are 5 and 7 years older, our grandparents and aunts took care of us.
im also more fond of my maternal grandmother since my paternal grandmother lived far away and we rarely ever get to see her (usually only during summers and once she stayed with us for awhile) until she passed away from Alzheimer's.
during the long hiatus i took early this year (late december to mid-march?), a lot has happened in my life. my health was put at risk because of the ash fall brought by the volcano eruption (january 12); i had allergies for weeks - i couldnt breathe properly, let alone sleep because of it. it was about to be the second year after graduating college and i have yet to get a job; the pressure from my family - and myself - was so unbearable that i caught myself slipping back to my very, very, very dark thoughts. and the worst thing that happened in those three months: my grandmother passed away. in filipino, grandmother is lola (loh-lah) and i’d like to use that for the rest of this post.
if you ask anyone in their neighborhood, any of our family friends, and relatives, everyone will tell you that her death was sudden. because everyone knows her as the sometimes-funny-sometimes-cranky old lady that owns the convenience store at the corner of the street. she was 96. she was 96 but she refused to get a wheelchair or use a walking stick even though her knees started to hurt after a few steps. she was 96 but didn’t need glasses to read most of the time. she was 96 but didn’t have any maintenance medication. ever since she reached her 90′s, she had gone to the town clinic at least twice because she fell over (from loss of balance) and busted her head. yet she would walk the next day like she doesnt have stitches on her scalp. she hated going to the doctor, she’d always claim that nothing hurts and the only thing she wanted the doctor to fix was her hearing (its as weak as how her eyesight is clear)
i wasnt the only one in the family that got severely affected by the ash fall. my lola also had trouble breathing because of it. she also went to the doctor for it and they only prescribed her antibiotics. please remember this info. this should be around early february
she got a little better but her voice was very hoarse from the phlegm. even before this, lola had little to no appetite and would only eat when someone else is eating (usually if it’s us, her granddaughters). and by little to no appetite, i mean her whole meal would be three spoonfuls of rice and one piece/chunk of whatever the main dish/ulam is. whenever we ask if she had eaten (even though we know she hadnt) she’d always claim that she already has (this eventually became a little joke in our family.) we took this sign as her dementia getting worse (although she was never really diagnosed with it, we had naturally assumed it because she would always repeatedly tell us stories that she insists happened even though some have been debunked and there were times she forgets our names if we havent visited in a while.)
after she gets better from the cough (idk the real diagnosis of it), her legs started to swell and because her routine had been reduced to being bedridden for most of the day, my aunts thought it was just poor circulation. it took two weeks before they brought her back to the town clinic and again, they just prescribed her with some medicine. everything after this is blurry to me until feb 21
my mom, being the eldest, made the decision to bring lola to the hospital. she’s, rightfully, unsatisfied with the town doctor’s diagnosis and prescriptions because lola is in so much pain and her legs were still swollen and its been weeks. i was with her in the emergency room while my mom and aunt did the paper work and the staff ran tests on lola. i’m contacting my sister who was in singapore and we’d video call to entertain lola since she was very adamant - and vocal - that she did not want to be admitted to the hospital bc she was “fine.” goSh she made so many hospital staff laugh because she would always announce whenever she had to fart. after like 2 hours, we move her into a ward and my mom tells me that i’ll have to stay overnight to watch over her. i was very apprehensive of this idea. i honestly did not want to. seeing her in pain was bad enough, but the fact we were in a room with other people and she was crying out loud made me really anxious but it was final. my mom, aunt, and uncle all went back home just to have dinner and they’ll come back since lola’s doctor would be coming by to give the results and for that hour they were gone? i lost it.
lola started talking/praying out loud, asking god why she was in so much pain, asking what she had done to deserve this; and i didn’t know what to do but hold her hand and kiss her head. i couldn’t even show her i was crying. when my mom got back, i told her i cant do it and she eventually convinced my other sister to join me, who cancelled her plans for the next day. that night, i did not and could not fall asleep. after a few hours, her doctor finally came by and dropped a bomb on us. he was kind enough to talk to my mom and aunt behind the curtains in the softest voice ever while i helped the nurse with lola, but i could hear him crystal clear.
cancer of the liver. 
they even momentarily walked back to lola to touch her stomach and stepped back out. i almost thought i misheard, but my mom and aunt’s expressions were too grim that it basically confirmed it. later on, my mom finally told me and explained that the antibiotics she had been taking weeks ago were too strong for her because of her lifestyle and diet. there were tumors in her liver and surgery wouldn’t do anything. i dont remember what i did aside from sketching on the journal i brought, but until i got home at 10am the next day, i did not sleep a wink.
feb 22. when i woke up at 2PM, i was told that they had lola discharged from the hospital. there was nothing we could do but try to ease the pain to the best of our abilities and wait. starting that day, i went over to lola’s house to help out with feeding her, giving her medicine, and just trying to keep her happy by randomly smiling at her when i see her looking around or dancing to no music.
feb 24. these were the early weeks of covid - ph hadn’t had a case yet, i believe, but travel restrictions were being implemented. my sister in singapore was doing everything to make sure she could come home because we don’t know when, but we know lola was leaving soon. of all the things our mom told her not to do, she cried at the entrance of the embassy and by the grace of god, someone took pity and listened to her (bc she was denied entry since she had a small cough) and she was able book a flight at midnight and be home in 4 hours. that afternoon, when i arrived at lola’s house, that was the very first time i stood at the doorway to greet her like i usually did and she didn’t smile. not even the corners of her lips moved. she was in that much pain that she couldn’t even greet me back like she always did, which was to smile and nod her head. that night, we all decided to sleepover there (with the exception of my dad since he had to feed our dogs at home). i take my usual seat in the living room and i notice a white dress that i remember (from photos) being lola’s 50th anniversary wedding gown and without being told, i know it was what she was going to wear for the very last time.
feb 25. being notoriously a late sleeper, i was about to go to sleep at 2AM when i hear lola groaning and whining out loud. when i checked her, her stubborn lil ass was trying to get out of bed alone!!! so i obviously panic and try to wake up anyone by exclaiming that lola had to go to the bathroom - she’s been wearing adult diapers for weeks now but refuses to go in them and is adamant about bringing her to the bathroom so she could relieve herself - so me, and the same aunt and uncle from the hospital, assisted her into this modified chair so she could pee and the only thing i could do was hold her hand, like always. after that, my uncle said he’d watch over her and lie down beside her on the bed so in case she needs to go again, he can take care of it himself. after falling asleep, i heard a few hours later that my sister from SG arrived. when i woke up later on, my sisters and i presented ourselves to lola bc its been so long since she last saw us complete, and this time she was able to give us a small nod of acknowledgement. i realized that none of my uncles and aunts went to work that day, thinking it was just so we could be complete since my sister was home. but then i overhear them making plans to have a priest come over for the sacrament of anointing of the sick - which based on my last and only experience (my grandfather/lolo), this must be the day. during the session, a few of my aunts and an uncle cried. my sisters cried, too, but i forced myself not to. when the priest left, i don’t know how long, but suddenly, she was gone. i didn’t know how to react. this was the second time i’ve seen someone pass away before my very eyes. everyone was crying out for forgiveness, kissing lola’s head, but i couldn’t move one bit. i was finally crying, but i couldn’t move at all.
3 days. from learning about the real problem with lola, it only took 3 days for it to take her away from us. not even a week, or a month. the only bright side to this was that she’s finally relieved of all the pain that’s been causing her suffering. 3 days of knowing her time was very, very short, but it was still a shock when she finally left. 
for the longest time, lola’s goal was to reach the age of 100 because apparently our government will reward her with 100,000 pesos (like 2k usd) for doing so. she wanted to reach 100 because she wanted to leave us with some inheritance haha. and everyone believed she could do it. no one doubted her. until this happened. maybe its just me, but i feel foolish... completely stupid and ignorant for knowing deep down in my heart that she would reach 100 that losing her 3 years prior her goal hurt me more than ever. 
it’s been 5 months but remembering her death still makes me cry. i have dreams (and you all know im a lucid dreamer) where she’s still alive and we’re talking about how she beat cancer at 96 in just a few months, but then i’ll remember that she didn’t and the dream in front of me just shatters and i’ll wake up empty and crying. i have never felt so much regret after she passed bc all she wanted was to see me graduate and it was up to me to show her that i got my first job and give her a portion of my first salary, but i couldn’t even do that. i waited too long and now its too late. her ideal type for me was a rich atenean boy who could drive 😂 and i still couldn’t give her that bc im so anti-men. there was a time i was so scared to go back to lola’s house bc she called me out during dinner - “baket ka malungkot/why are you sad?” - when all i was doing was browsing through my phone, scarily enough going through another “episode”, and the last person i’d ever want to know about my possible depression was her. of all my suicidal episodes, i’ve always resolved them by thinking of her - that i will continue living because i wanted to see her smile. because i wanted to see her happy.
i miss her so much. i wish i had been a better granddaughter to her. the small things i’ve done for her were never enough. in the past 5 months, i’ve only dreamt about her twice (actually being with her) and both times made the day so hard to function. i havent moved on and i dont know if im the only one. i dont know if i’ll ever move on. she would have been 97 today. whenever she forgets my name, i’ll tell her i have the same birthday as her and she’ll remember me. she’ll say “ahhh rosean! july 10!”
if someone read through this, im sorry you had to go through that mess. but thank you for hearing me out. no, i’ll thank you the way my lola would thank people, verbatim:
thank you very much from the bottom of my heart.
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I Give Up Q&A
@daeyeonis
igu was great I cried like every chapter ok fam but- why the hot dog lmao
Im assuming this is for the Q&A since there is a question involved. Dood…why did Hot dog dress up as a hot dog for Halloween? Because chanyeol told her to go for funny over sexy. Why did i choose a hot dog costume? Its the second thing i thought of after a crunchy taco. A friend of mine owns a crunchy taco costume but we are mexican so its a familiar funny food item to us, but i was thinking about my international readers who might be more familiar with a Hot Dog, so i went with that. I literally make this stuff up…i just randomly picked something and then once drunk Yixing referred named her by her costume (was it chapter 21?), well the nickname stuck.
Anon Did anything go down between Baekhyun and Sehun on behind the scenes?
The real conflict between the two came from the bet that the EXO members made about Baekhyun and Hot Dog …they placed secret bets on the day the lovely couple would make up and get back together. Sehun had picked the night of the halloween party so he knew he had to pull out all the stops and use every trick he had up his sleeve In order to win. Sehun knew that Baek was the protective, jealous type and he used that to his advantage, getting Hot Dog good and drunk and hanging around her all night, being as flirty as he could be and making sure that Baekhyun saw all of it. When Baekhyun found out that Sehun got Hot Dog drunk on purpose and hung out with her all night within the eyeline of Baekhyun, just so that they would makeup that night and Sehun would win the bet, Baekhyun didn’t speak with Sehun for a whole week. At that point though it was kind of hard for Baek to stay mad when he and Hot Dog had made up and that happiness was so all consuming. Baek forgave Sehun after some expert whining and groveling.
Anon So…. does Junmyeon ever approve of Baek and Hot Dog’s relationship
Junmyeon approved after he met her during the dinner with Chanyeol. He found her to be intelligent and level headed and seeing the efforts she made to fight for their relationship after the breakup really made a good impression on him. He still makes sure to remind everyone of the importance of discretion and avoiding scandals, but he considers her part of the family now.
Anon Do you remember Baekhyun’s small notebook from chapter 19?? “You turned quickly and grabbed the small notebook you had resisted earlier off his nightstand and lifted it up…” Can you tell us now😅
Anon What about the notebook in chapter 19? What’s its secret? epilogue dood
Anon @ hotdog; did u get to read whatever was written on baek’s lil notebook?
the notebook will be in the epilogue.
Anon how many time passed from chapter 1 to chapter 28?
@jhopeismybutthole What amount of time did IGU take place in? Did main character hangout with other exo members after the costume party? Did baekhyun ask main characters dad for his blessing before officially proposing?
Baek and HD met in March of 2016, They celebrated their 100 day anniversary in July. Broke up around 200 days in October and got married just after their 300 day anniversary in January of 2017. :D
Things were a tiny bit awkward for HD and the other EXO members after the costume party. That was the night Baek and HD officially made up and Chanyeol, among other members heard them make up. It took a good couple of days before she could even look Chanyeol in the eye after that, but they all assured her that it was nothing that hadnt happened in the dorms before. Sehun was just happy to have won the bet. Kyungsoo was hoping Hot Dog and Baekhyun would work out because Baekhyun was far less annoying when he was in a relationship than when he was single, and Jongin always made it a point to strike up conversations with her when she was around. Just because they made up didn’t mean it was time for HD to neglect her super affectionate, rather needy boyfriend, and she continued to spend as much time with him during his off time as possible.
Baekhyun didn’t ask her father for permission to marry her. His reasoning was, they were already married, and it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. What’s done was done and he figured they were both about to be in a shit load of trouble anway, they might as well just go all the way.
Anon From where do you get ideas for the upcoming chapters?? I mean what you done with BHXHD in IGU I apparently wanted to know FROM WHERE you get the ideas btw I love you dood
From wheeeeeere? From my brain dood. I tend to pull from the living world around me. I’m always paying attention to things and people, plus i also have a degree in psychology so i have a pretty good understanding of human behavior. I read a lot so i understand how stories are structured and i write the kinds of things that i would enjoy reading myself, so usually these things translate well into my stories. I also listen to lots of music and find inspiration in nearly everything i watch and hear.
One of my most helpful brainstorming methods is talking the plot out with a friend. I have two people that i like to discuss the stories with and usually this helps me think of things, or ideas for things that i hadn’t considered before. :D
Anon Q&A IGU: Did you have the ending planned from the onset?
Nooo, i never know where im going with these stories when i first start them. Ill usually have a general flow of where i want to go, but its so vague that it usually gets modified along the way. Around chapter 15 i said to myself, okay i need some sort of a plan or this thing will be 100 chapters of all smut and nonsense. It felt like it had no real plot. So i had some ideas and some talks with friends about what would be a fun direction to take it. By chapter 26, i had a definite plan for 27 and 28. But i usually dont plan very hard. I let the story write itself.
Anon Did minah get to go home safe?
Minah did get home safely. Unfortunately the two men she had been eyeing all evening went home with each other so she stumbled home alone and rather grumpy. Her disgruntled mood changed to guilt and worry when she found out what happened with Youngshik and Hot Dog and she vowed to kick him hard in the nuts if she saw him again. She never got the chance before the police took him away to be dealt with.
Anon How will their parents react to that marriage omg.. like are they going to repeat a ceremony for their families and friends or (I can imagine Baek doing this) just showing them a picture from their drunk marriage and being like “we got married c:” ?
This will most likely be addressed in the epilogue.
@peter-pan-princess Is 2AM in the same universe as IGU and All His?
yes, IGU, All His and 2AM are all in the same universe. That means the Jongdae who was dressed as Minseok’s lady at the halloween party, is the same Jongdae who is dating Minhee, Minseok’s sister. And the dress he wore actually belonged to Minhee. She also helped with his makeup. The pictures that were leaked of Jongdae were actually an ex he saw briefly before he got together with Minhee.
Did Sehun ever get over his crush on Hot Dog?
sehun is a brat and he never had a real crush, he’s just a flirty guy who likes girls and likes to see what he can get away with. He’s also not to blame for any of it really, but the shorties Baek and Kyungsoo see him as a little bit of a threat because he’s tall and pretty and the girls seem to like him. Hes unintentionally playing against their insecurities.
@mexbaekhyun DO THEY END UP HAVIG KIDS???? I NEED TO KNOW
This will probably be addressed in the epilogue
Anon a weird question but what’s baek & hd’s fave positions in bed bc i feel like i know but i need a confirmation vdhwbdw
This story was so smutty you know what their favorite positions in bed are. But okay okay. Baekhyun really enjoys watching her during sex, so any position that puts her right into his line of sight is a good position. Not that the others are bad positions, he still likes sex in the shower, sex against the wall, sex with her bent over the kitchen table or the arm of the sofa but his favorite, favorite thing in the world is watching himself disappear over and over again as he sits up on his ankles, rolling his hips. She enjoys being on top and he’s always more than willing to give in to her. The memories of her riding on top of him with her head thrown back as she cums are what gets him through some of the lonelier nights when he’s away on tour.
Anon lmao I was thinking how cute baek would be if he got hotdog knocked up but he’s an idol and that would be like reeeeaaaalllyyy inconvenient but still cute tho. They’re goals 👌👌
Unplanned pregnancies are really inconvenient regardless of one’s profession. HD is super careful to always take her pill every day but honestly, anything is possible and Baekhyun and HotDog’s relationship trend seems to all be about the word “Whoops”…if it happens, it would most likely be unplanned and a very real shock for both of them.
I do honestly believe that Baekhyun would be an amazing and very devoted father and the two would tackle the challenge of parenthood together, despite the obvious inconveniences. :D
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kpsoa97xs-blog · 5 years
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yumenosakiacademy · 5 years
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metr0con 2019 sunday diary
cosplayed: tsukasa, breakfast: ramen, snack: one (1) root beer lollipop
for future me only. also, disclaimer: im writing this at 5 am while extremely tired afte waking up from being asleep at my desk. i forgot a lot of specifics in all that time since i left the con n most of his is mediocre.
so i arrived at 10 am for the ha!kyuu panel only yo go to the panel room and see that it had been canceled (the panel name was crossed out n “cancelled” was written next to the panel name) so i had woken up early for Nothing bc i also had no panel at 11 so i had 2 free hrs to kill. i also checked the room where the UT panel was supposed to b happening in bc i like UT n had nothing to do, but there was no one in the room so.. unfortunately, my stomach started hurting rly bad, so a good chunk of that time was spent w me sat on the floor near a wall thingy or walking slowly. unfortunately the dealers room hadnt been opened yet so i just sat around then when the dealers room opened i started to wander a bit more. i didnt take a lot of photos bc my energy and socialness was kinda drained due to the stomachache pain so like. rip. 
then there was the dd-lc panel! in it, some guy in the audience offered natsuki snack bars (n she took one, as well as gave one to yuri) after calling her “the starving one”, and ome guy said “natsuki, your dad’s a dick. can i adopt you” n went up to the panel table n sifned a piece of paper monika wrote on that was ‘adoption papers’ and he gave natsuki a hug n called her his daughter for the rest of the panel. some guy dared natsuki to rip a page out of her manga (she had 2 books of manga on the table) n she actually DID rip out a page, and not a useless one like the “you’re reading the wrong way” page, either. the audience was like “why!!” n she n monika were like “i’m/impulsive!!”. natsuki was frequently referred to w “baby” (as im “she’s baby”) throughtout the panel. everyone thought yuri was the most fashionable when asked on a truth. sayori was asked how it was “hanging” and what her favorite brand of rope was.
after that, i Wanted to go to the she r-a princess alliance, but when i kept glancing out at the riverwalk, there was no one there?? so i just went to the bn-ha improv n it was!! actually funny. there was a skit where iida, denki, n kirishima were at a coffee shop n present m!c was the barista n iida ordered black coffee but said it wasnt right or smth or he never rly got his order, denki asked for a mocha with seventeen shots of expresso (he then drank it n did the “wey wey” friend brain thing later b4 the skit ended and was also vibrating after drinking it), and kirishima listed off a ton of things for his drink n kept going on and on. another one was bakugou being shown to be a “mommys boy” in front of uraraka and shinsou (i think) and there was a mitsuki in the audience so she went up (and actually brought snacks for the panelists! like a true mom) and during the skit she showed them his baby photos and pushed him down n at some point idk how she was sitting on his back n using him as a chair. there was also a skit w bakugou as the person at a coffee shop that had NO drinks whatsoever, only a bagel. n iida was like “what’s the flavor?” n bakugou just kept going “..bagel.” n “bagel flavor. i dunno.” n iida asked how much it was n bakugou went “$400″. then while present m!c was going on abt wanting a drink n getting angy, the iida went into the audience n started asking a few random ppl while they walked down the aisle “is this a dunkin donuts?”
after that i just walked around bc i had 2 more hrs w Nothing to do and stumbled upon a casual FP group in the dealers room but before i could get  picture one of them recognized the character on my sign or just the series or smth i think but onething led to another n i started talking with them and i sat down w them but they were like “can you like, introduce us to ens-tars we hear a lot abt it” so i went on the wiki n showed them the characters n the gentaro rly liked rabits (shino n nito in particular) n rei, dice liked yuzuru n shinobu, n ramuda liked tori n rei. i showed them reis cgs, specifically the one w kaoru and his crossroads cg n i was like “the cgs that signlehandedly made the whole fandom h*rny for like. a week.” n the gentaro was like “you mind if i [takes a drink] Thirst.” n the gentaro was also interested in koga n i was like “he’s an edgy wolfk!n who likes punk music” and i talked abt what wataru is like n fice was like “he seems like hifumi” n im like “he rly is!! he’s hifumikin.” n for shu, ramuda was like “apparently hes an asshole” n i was like “yea definitely.” n when they asked me to describe leo i was like “oh uh. he’s Fuck. i dunno how to describe him! i dont rly like him that much tbh. he’s ecentirc n one of the oddballs n he composes on walls and literally their drama cd back in the day is knights looking for him n like, finding him behid a bush composing going ‘i got inspiration!!’” n i referred to midori as the suicidal one n i was like “you tink im joking but anytime anything happens he always goes ‘i wanna die’” and when i talked abt souma ramuda was like “is he friends with shinobu?” since i’d already described shinobu n i was like “well they kno each ogher but theyre not rly friends iirc.. they had an event together tho”. at one point the ramuda paused the music they were playing in the bg n decided toplay ens-tars music n they chose undead n started blasting Death Game Holic n i was like “...oh. that’s not undead” n ramuda was like “it says undead..?” n i was like “its Deadmanz! a former unit w koga, keito, n rei” n i started jamming out n the gentaro slightly joined me for a sec. anyway uh. god these tidbits of convo r all out of order im sry but idk what caused this part of the convo but the ramuda said they were ramudakin n the gentaro said they were lowkey gentarokin n i think they mentioned these bc dice said they cosplayed dice yet arent dicekin?? i cant rly remember. oh also when i showed the gentaro rei they were like “oh i kin him now. im not saying in kinning, but im Kinning” or smth like that n im gjhnsmk at one point i mentioned my friend kuma’s dice rat art edit n the gentaro wanted 2 see it but i couldnt show em bc it was too far back in my tumblr dms. we started talking abt MTC and how ramuda wishes they got like, more hardcore rock stuff like Death Game Holic (which was still playing) bc they seemed “gangsta n hardcore” then immediately mellowed out in their songs after that n i said that yokohama walker still like, slaps tho n it kinda calms me down n ramuda said papillion calms them down. the ramuda was shocked at tori’s high voice bc they knew his va as worick from gangsta n didnt think toris voice would b That High n were surprised when they heard tori’s solo. 
after that, i had a hard time trying to decide between the LL dance panel or the hs panel n just decided on the LL panel n i hav the dances on video so yay (the final song got cut off 3/4 of the way thru n im so :(( but oh well...) n they played Telephone/Rumors and “Who’s Most Likely”. between this panel and the next one, i talked to a kaito who was the aki hana’s hanayo the previous day n we just talked abt some stuff n at one point they pulled out an izanagi plush n they asked if i was into pers0na n i was like “yea! i even was gonna cosplay adachi but my gun didnt come in n i dont think i coulda done his wig” n they apparently had abt 300 hrs on pers0na 3 FES n we talked abt how stat grinding is such a repetitive, boring thing in pers0na 3.
the bn-ha panel! i... dont remember a whole lot abt this panel im sorry. but like, halway thru, they started playing games w he audience after q n a n i got bored bc they did things like red light green light n simon says so i just took selfies while most of the audience played along. during the qna i remember someone asked shigaraki if their fog plushie could b a league of villains member tho n he said ys n held the push when it was handed to him. someone gave bakugou a giant human-sized fan n todoroki went up against bakugou w his rainbow fan. 
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yumenosakiacademy · 7 years
Text
Me.trocon 2017 Saturday
diary for future me, read if you want but it’s rly only 4 myself tbh. Cosplayed: mik.an Tsumiki
OKAY so the morning was rly bad and hectic and i dont like remembering it but i woke up and got ready bc the lol.ita fashion show was at 10 am and dad n i left and dad stopped by burger king to get himself some food but my cramps flared up BADLY and i had a midol in my bag so i took it out but im afraid of pills and cant swallow them so i was shaking and then i started crying and the drive-thru girl was like “oh gosh are you okay?” and i explained what was going on but rushed and sloppily and she was like “oh this happens to my lil sis too.. it’s okay sweetie just relax” or soething and i had dad park the car in the parking lot of burger king and for me to put my midol in a BK crospy crown and take a huge bite and swallow but that backfred and i chewed some of the pill and it was Blegh but the midol didnt kick in right away and the cramps were still v bad so i had dad rive me home so i could lie down for a while and i asked mom to use the heater bc she accidentally woke up so i asked her while she was awake and she kept saying no bc she liked it but when i begged she let me use her bed and used mine and it barely helped but overtime i gradually geew okay and hadd to calm myself so the stress wouldnt make my cramps return and i left at like 11 am and i missed the BB panel too but it’s Okay and i walked in and met up w haji near the ticket place and thankfully her mom let us wander around the con
so we went to the GF panel but i was mainly distracted by a small octopus plushie on some guy’s head and haji n i kept joking abt us knocking it off his head and abt the guy playing space jam and bassboosted music outside the panel room and it being audible whenever someone opened the door to leave or come in pff... but the dipper did the lamby dance and it was cute aa and the dipper offered ppl in the audience scooby snacks to any of the audience so haji n i had one n it was rly good aa i hadnt had one of those in years theyre Yummy...
Anyway, after that, i tried to go to the DR meetup, but it was rly rly tiny?? like we held it inside w like 2 handfuls of ppl and we tried to get the junkos to step on the tsumikis (there were 3 of us, including me) w 2 junkos bc i requested it but the junkos didnt wanna accidentally pantyshot the camera so we got up from our kneeling positions haha and haji went to the dealers room for a while while this was going on and i tried to help the mikan when she said she got a cut on her face but she said it was alright and eventualy haji came back and i left w her and we decided not to go to the m.lp panel that i kind of wanted to go to and instead went to the dealers room and looked around and i showed her the idol merch table and haji said she’d buy me anything bc she didnt get to give me a birthday present earlier on in the year so i looked around for a Big hamster plushie or something but those seemed expensive so we came back to the idol table and got me the tori keychain i’d been wanting since yesterday or thirsday and haji got a tsukasa and then we ran into the ppl running the fine panel and we all joked abt “ALL WOMEN ARE QUEENS, EICHI!!” 
and we walked around for a bit more before going to the rw.by panel but we could barely hear and we had to sit at the back of the room due to lack of seats so haji and i just whispered to eachother the whole time and i had haji read part of an en.stars smut fic w impregnation kink (just kink not actual mpreg) and a lil stupid thing i wrote abt rei and koga and then we watched the service dog near us near the other corner and watched it lick the carpet and Rest and enjoyed watchin it then we tried to walk around and someone asked for a pic of me but i was like “UHH WHERES MY SYRINGE PROP” so haji thought i elft it on the floor of the other panel and she left to go find it while i waited near these ppl bc they were just hanging out anyway and i kept worrying like “shes been gone for a while.. is she okay this shouldve been quick oh god” and my cramps started returning a lil but i tried to keep myself calm and the uraraka was like “are you okay i can go try n retkrkieve her if she got lost” and i was like “it’s okay” and eventually i checked deep in my bag and found it and i tried to call haji but she arrived just as i called her and i was like “i found it im sorry aa” and then we Ran to the en.stars panel
AND THE EN.STARS PANEL WAS SO SO MUCH FUN!! I have the first half recorded on video and since it’s rly late rn, i wont type too much abt that, but i asked eichi if he was anyone’s sugar daddy and, if not, would he be mine and he said he was kind of one to hajime and bought him lots of things and haji asked who was the most into minions and it was apparently Tori and i showed them the scooby doo au i made w some of haji’s assistance and showed wtaru (and the others) the Scoobkai Doonata that i drew and they all were laughing and i wa glad aa and the topic of vore came up again and i showed them shino’s ku.rochia vore post and the kiryu was like “OH MY GOD CAN I GIV U MY TWITTER SO I CAN BE SENT THAT” and the panelists were laughing and tori read the tweet aloud while laughing and i told them the ensemble vore account and eichi was like “well, theyve prob gained more followers today” and i asked if anyone in the audience wanted to see it and omeone rasied their hand so i showed them and they were laughing too and it was Wild.wataru apparently named his doves after fine members and tomoya, and i asked kiryu if he could lift rabits + fine and they nodded and i later asked if he knew that he’s a thicc bara and the fandom thirsts for him and he laughed and nodded. Haji asked them if they’d heard rainbow circus nightcore bassboosted and the eichi said they played it at practice ssometimes (i thick this was ooc not in-character answer) and someone in the audience actually KNEW the person who made that and messaged them and they messaged them that tori said they liked them and the rainbow cisurcus stuff and the person replied w “ Why” and honestly this whole panel was FUN but so someone told us where the en.stars buttons were so the fine group, their friend the kiryu, haji, and i all went to the booth and got buttons and i said goodbye to eeryone and walked around for a minute then haji n i went into the vol.tron talk panel and haji had to leave aww and after that the vol.tron panel was mostly shitty fanfic reading, swearing, and roasts and i wanted to go to vol.tronival but for reason i thought thatd be rude bc the panelists were like “we have to compete w... THAT” and so i stayed and went on my ipad most of the time.
I went to the per.sona 5 q and a and it was so full that i had to stand in the back but they sometimes kept bringing up per.sona 4 and perso.na 3 so i was confused and they said they were abt to start trivia and it might have spoilers so i took that opportunity to leave bc i dont want spoilers and it was kind of boring so i walked around the dealers room and i found a Rock and Uno and i talked to them and turns out the Rock was actually the mondo from the day before bc they said “hey, sweetie!” in a nice tone and i was confused and they were like “ah im the mondo btw!” so we talked and i talked abt how i watched both seasons of nan.baka in like.. 2 days and i was like “uno’s best boy-” and rock (as a joke) went deadpan and walked away and i was like “ROCK IS ALSO A GOOD BOY JUST.. UNO...” and rock came back and i said that uno and nico stole my heart and uno fistbumped me and rock was like “you should cosplay w us sometime~!” and i said i was considering doing uno but couldnt and i cant do most of the characters bc long sleeves and rock said i’d be cute as the chinese qi kid and i was like “i cant paint myself either but thank you!” and they had to leave but i got rock’s tumblr and they called me cute or sweet and i looked around the dealers room for a second more before scurrying to the LL panel and apparently the thing was 2 hours??
but anyway it was p funny and we all just messed around and did q and a and games like handshake  killer and karaoke! i sang half of Sentimental Liars but my voice wasnt as loud as i wouldve liked it and kind of shaky bc i was cold and Nervous and the nico from the panel and another random guy clapped for me and the 2 en.stars fans in front of me said my voice sounded nice and at some point i overheard those 2 talking abt making a screamo cover of melody in the dark and i was like “omfg are yall gonna actually make a cover. go fully hardcore” and Dead girl walking and candy store got sung and it was a Fun panel. the kiryu from earlierwalked in too so when everyone was talkign to eachother near the end of the panel, i asked shino if they wanted to say anything to the kuro and shino asked them how ranking went and the kiryu said they couldnt rank and shino was just so happy and keysmashing and asked f i could say “pls lift me mr.bara” and the kiryu chuckled and the kiryu was like “do they want me to like.. do anyfin?” so i asked shino and all he said was “DAB” so i took a pic of the kiryu dabbing and shino said they hadnt been feeling well so it cheered them up so i told the kiryu that and they said to tell shino that that made them happy and when the kiryu and i swapped tumblr apparently they already follow me and im like “FGNEGN DUDE.. I KNO U IVE SEEN U IN MY FOLLOWERS LIST IM YUMENOSAKIACADEMY ROX...” n they were like “oH” and they showed me a funny post abt shu and i proposed a tri.ch shu hc and then they ahd to leave but i stayed for the vol.tron panel but i was messaging shino thru most of it but i saw lynds (as lance) get hugged by the panel’s lance and i read some en.stars doujins and messaged another friend too so i wasnt paying much attention, then istill stayed in the room for the rw.by panel, but same i was just on my ipad but i saw some of the dares and the jaune sang and stuff and evemtually it was over and i walked around taking pics before going outside to wait for dad to pick me up 
and i took a pic of a pidge, lance, and keith and gav em lollipops and the pidge was like “omg ur nails.. wait, did u go to a hai.kyuu panel last year?” and i was like “ah, no i was casu.al d v a” and they were like “yea, but u went TO  a hai.kyuu panel, yea?” and i said yea and they were like “aa i was the hinata u talked to. i recognized u bc the nails” and i laughed bc thats my only noticable feature, huh. pff
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