#anyway did I or did I not just say that Liam and Maya had broken up I DID so why was she on insta saying they were still together hmmm? Lies

[1ddiscourseoftheday]

Mon 7 June ‘21

Liam’s podcast with Steve Bartlett is out and while I still don’t care about that guy I’ll give him this-- he does great at getting out of the way and letting Liam talk. And boy does Liam talk! Liam says A LOT and let’s all just pause to send him some big hugs before we get into right? And then look to the future- Liam’s routine is to say ‘things have been terrible but it’s fine, it’s fine NOW’, always, even when that is absolutely obviously not true, and today is no different but for once I actually believe some of his hopeful bits too which is so great! I hope things really are shifting for him and I can’t wait to hear this new song of his. But there’s a lot that’s hard to hear too, oh Liam. He said that he and Maya have broken up (so yes, presumably why he just moved again such a short time after they moved into their haunted house), talked about his struggles with his alcoholism (and said he’s been sober for a month right now, go babe!), shared the usual distressing stories about his time in the band and what that was like for him (and how it still impacts him), and he talked about his new song and how it feels different for him than his past solo music. Truly though there is SO MUCH more than I can get into here or then you can get from the UA highlights- I HIGHLY recommend actually watching at least parts of the video, also because the attempt to summarize so much erases all the charm and humor, of which there is much. If you don’t think you want to watch Liam’s interviews, it has to be because you aren’t watching Liam’s interviews, they’re delightful! Plus really if you care about 1D and want information about what it was like for any of them, listen to Liam, he’s the one who’s out there talking about it.

About Maya he said, that yes, he is now single, and “I’ve just been not been very good at relationships,” and “I’m a proper perfectionist… at the start of the relationship you put out this complete false character like I might as well go in in costume, I’m like putting out something that is not there... kind of like encompassing someone else’s life with your crap rather than just doing your thing and laying out your store from day one. That’s my biggest problem is that I feel like I don’t lay out my store... and then I’m annoyed when they don’t like what I like,” and “I think my problem is I struggle to be on my own sometimes... I dive in and out of relationships too quickly. I’ve not spent enough time on my own to relearn about myself.”

He laughs about his tendency to ask his manager things during interviews; “My fans think that Steve is doing something to me, they’re like liberty for Liam because he always looks to Steve, but that’s because I like him. It’s not because he’s harming me as a person. There’s like a hashtag Liberty for Liam because they think I’m some like prison child,” and he also said “my manager’s my best friend,” (and he’s said in the past he is a big support for him) and mentioned stuff they’d talked about recently around his therapeutic awakenings.

He talked about therapy being something you have to want to do and be ready to do rather than being pushed into, like getting sober, and says that this time around with his own therapy work he’s really felt that and thrown himself into it and he talked a lot about his relationship to therapy in connection with band days. “I mean one of our old managers went to therapy from being a manager of One Direction. So if you can imagine how that feels like the rest of us definitely need some.”

“We were young,” he said, “What I found was I didn’t know I was the boss until like a few months ago, I still don’t even feel like I am now, like I’m such a child. And everyone I work with now is older than me and wiser than me and I’m like what the hell am I doing here with these people. When we were 17 I thought the security guard was like in charge of me so I was like Can we leave the room? No? Oh ok then,” and “when we were in the band, the best way to secure us was just lock us in our rooms. And of course what’s in the room? Minibar. So at a certain point, I thought Well I’m gonna have a party for one and that just seemed to carry on throughout many years of my life... You know I spoke to somebody about this in child development as a teen, the one thing you need is freedom to make choices. That we could do anything we wanted it seemed from the outside but we were always locked in a room at night and then it would be car, hotel room, stage, sing, locked. So it’s like they pulled the dust cloth off, let us out for a minute, but then it’s back underneath again,” and “the day the band ended I was like thank the lord for that. And I know a lot of people are going to be mad with me for saying that, but I needed it to stop. It would kill me.” Anyway, he said, because it wouldn’t be Liam without an upbeat coda, “I don’t want any of this to get lost in translation. I’m not 100% moaning about my life... it’s had its ups and its downs, but I would rather talk about it and it’s therapeutic for me.”

And what about that exciting new song? Liam said, “We have a really cool song in the pipeline... one of the first ones I’ve actually written myself- with some other people, I didn’t write it by myself, but it’s the first one I’ve really liked. And I think I got so used used carting around other peoples songs and not embedding myself creatively in what I do because I was so scared to find out who I was,” and “I don’t really know how I would tour again. I really want to” [on discord today he said he would be touring next year] “I always said throughout my solo career I’d let my song book speak to me. And I don’t think my song book spoke to me to get off my ass. I only became a solo artist because I had Strip That Down. I wasn’t gonna do it, I was gonna leave it alone. I was like, I survived it once thank you very much- but I’m back in now. Because the song, I knew it was right. It felt right with that song, I hadn’t had that. This year, the song we have I feel really really great about. So I’d rather let the music do the talking than me come out and force it. We don’t need any more useless music in the world, it needs to mean something,” and he mentioned the new song on the discord a lot too, most notably picking out a long comment that thanked him for making the fan feel supported and safe and for “putting your heart in everything you do” and for his support of the LGBTQ community to respond to with, “I think you will really like the new song.”

A few other random bits, he said that he thinks there should be a system to make therapy available to musicians in the industry, “I think I’m definitely gonna get a dog because I need routine,” and “I recently started jujitsu,” yeah you and everyone else huh, so do him and Louis and Oli go to the same gym or ???, and he acknowledged that as an addict he may have just transferred that to working out “but there’s a lot worse things to be addicted to then looking after yourself” hmm but he does seem to say that he’s doing better around body image stuff; he talks about having put on weight during lockdown and seeing himself in the BAFTAS performance- “I saw myself... and I was like ‘oh my god I’ve completely let myself go in this’. And it was fine...I feel so much more secure in myself now.” Oh and that he’s written a comedic movie script “based around AA” and his experiences there, such as how “I had a really weird AA experience the first time that I went. My first experience was with Russell Brand.” LMAO yes! Cannot wait, bring on auteur Liam please! Anyway as if ALL THAT wasn’t enough he’s also dove into the lead up to his NFT release; he said “I'm almost ready to share my NFTs with you guys... Who wants to see them?” and posted a tiny preview that tells us its (their?) title for the first time- Lonely Bug.

Niall and Anne Marie perform on Jimmy Fallon tonight, and the hype is already a go! I guess it’s prerecorded, as we’re already seeing pictures from it; they’re singing to each other with the cute car from the video in the background. Niall signed on to a letter to Boris Johnson asking for changes to music streaming revenue rules and signed by 232 artists (including all the artists Johnson recently named as his favorites, haha). Zayn signed on to a Billboard petition to the US senate calling for gun safety laws. The bar Zayn got into the fight in front of posted “Zayn's a regular at Amsterdam Billiards and he is a true gentleman. On Thursday night he was confronted by an inebriated passer-by outside on the street and was called a homophobic slur. We support Zayn & condemn homophobia in the strongest terms!” And also PS omg again because it just isn’t going away: Harry’s beauty company is called Pleased As, his name is Harry Edward Styles so yes when listed last name first, as legal documents do, it spells SHE but it is not a “feminist abbreviation” (WHAT? even??) nor the name of the business.

#liam payne #long post #so long #the longest #ugh #yeah I think he’s mentioned the movie before but it’s amazing every time #Liam also talked about the concept of toxic productivity and feeling like you have to be doing things always to be valid #OMG YES PLEASE I want all of them to be talking about that #I notice no one’s circulating that bit where he calls out the fans’ idea that he’s a victim of his manager #I... won’t say it I guess but like… do consider listening to what they actually tell us about themselves occasionally though #rather than just fans online #the industry is fucked but also they're not children #anymore #and have all at this point managed to find people they trust as their closest associates #anyway did I or did I not just say that Liam and Maya had broken up I DID so why was she on insta saying they were still together hmmm? Lies #but the real point is that I was right lol #if you messaged me to ask about the SHE thing it’s not that I’m targeting you it’s that you were one of MANY #it’s really true debunk info just doesn’t get the traction that nonsense posts do #pleased as #should have made that a tag already oops #7 jun 21 #I hope you guys are grateful I have so much time on my hands this took forever #tw alcohol #tw substance abuse #tw alcoholism #maya henry #laya

[imbellarosa]

Let’s Talk Calm-ly about Two Loves

OR: When you’re a grown man who writes stories for a living, you definitely wrote your own weird bedtime story, too. 

The TLDR here is that H has taken one specific listener around the globe, notably to Tokyo and Jamaica. He quotes an old Victorian Poet who was an awful human but who’s lasting legacy is the phrase “a love that dare not speak its name” which is - you guessed it - a reference to queer love. He also is super excited to spend what seems like the foreseeable future with this listener and has bought a little house with a garden of daisies with them and it’s very sweet and domestic. Anyways this is a wild time and it’s all under a cut because it’s...really a lot. 

Anyways I think the people I owe thank yous this times around to are @queenlokibeth​ who had to listen to me scream about this for a while, Astrid, who screamed with me when this came out, and “M” who convinced me to finally get to work in this fandom. And, of course, all of the lovely people tagged below who’s work I used to build my argument. 

1.) Who Wrote “Dream With Me”? 

Well, not H, or so the story goes. Two other people (Steve Cleverly and Sanj Sen) did! I mean, right, okay, for a while I was like...that seems like an odd choice for a man who didn’t want to hand Two Ghosts over to his own band because it seemed too personal. He wrote on every song in both albums’ he’s released thus far, because he seems to be passionate about telling the stories he wants to tell (even if he won’t tell you explicitly what they’re about). But for a while, I was totally going with the flow there, and the rest of this analysis would still stand: the writer of this story definitely referenced a poem by Lord Alfred Douglas and Harry’s own songs. 

However, I then read this fun quote from the Co-founder and CEO of Calm: 

“Well,” he said, “The the Harry Styles one is interesting because that came purely from Harry Styles himself...we took the approach of creating a sort of musical epic poem – he doesn’t sing, it’s spoken with poetry, but there’s a sort of musical sound bed to it and it’s pulling on things and themes that Harry’s fans really adore about him and associate with him. So his story was driven really by him – we really created a concept around him.” 

-  Chris Advansun, July 7th, 2020 via @hlupdate​

And I thought, hmmm. This does not sound like a project that he was not involved in creating. From this point on (July, 7th 2020), I began to think of it as a three way co-collaboration between him and the other two authors. But this confused me a bit, because there was largely a nonreaction from the fandom. I was waiting for an actual transcript, because I always fall asleep to these meditation stories, but it was being referenced to as some sort of Y/N fic, which was...honestly not what I expected, but also not implausible, thanks to the ~lovely~ image this man has had since the age of sixteen. But also, twitter seemed to be concerned by other things at the moment, and no one was analyzing the story. . 

In fact, I messaged a friend the day that this story dropped, because it had been kind of a shit show day on Twitter. Rumors were sort of flying about everyone and everything: had Liam shaved his head? Was he engaged? Had he and Maya broken up? Were Zayn and Gigi engaged? Had they broken up? Did Niall have a girlfriend? (this one was true lol). Were Elounor engaged? Were they pregnant? Had they broken up??? My personal fav was the bald Liam rumor, which he promptly put to rest in LP Act 1 by...having a huge mane of hair. 

So then I thought - huh. Why has today looked like this? I’m not saying that there aren’t days that twitter goes wild because of boredom, because there definitely is - the articles about secret meetings in Italy that are coming out this week (8/12/2020) are proof positive. So that definitely does happen, but it doesn’t usually happen on the days that there’s a lot of content. And maybe I’ve just been starved for content in this fandom, but I would consider a 40 minute video quite a bit of content. 

Then the transcript dropped. I’m using two as references - this one on Wattpad and also @carl-and-pearl ‘s version here (thank you so much for the transcript!!). We’re going to get into a more detailed description of what’s going on in the story, but the first thing I recognized immediately is that it was first person POV. I knew that going in, based on the number of Y/N jokes going around on twitter. Then I read it aloud, and I realized that it read like a letter. Like an experience specific to the writer and the reader. And while that’s not super uncommon to write about an experience from the author’s POV - I listen to a podcast called Nothing Much Happens: bedtime stories for adults which has a similar concept - I thought it was odd that they were trying to include both the author and the listener. I completely understood why the y/n jokes were pertinent. But at the same time, it felt like something had snagged in my mind - like a particularly annoying splinter. 

The conversations I was having around this story - completely based on the content, concept, and my own instinct - was that this story contained specific references to one person. I thought that it did read like a love letter, and that most identifying features would have been taken out, but the essence remained. Which, once I thought about it, was something that H excelled at doing. Think about Sunflower Vol 6 and Adore You and Canyon Moon and even Watermelon Sugar and Golden.  Ask yourself, What do I know about the person they are about? They have skin that browns, they have a secret, they have mesmerizing eyes, they’re willing to dance in the kitchen with him (to dancehall), they have a belly, they’ve been through hard times, they’re witty, they have an accent, and they have lips. I know - super specific right?

So the splinter grew into a thorn - what was I missing? And then - when I was looking for something completely different - I stumbled upon this old interview Harry did with Zach Sang and the Gang Show back in 2017.  For context, he was being asked about Sweet Creature. As you can imagine, it’s hard for people to believe he wrote such a beautiful love song when he hadn’t ever really had a long term relationship (two hearts in one home?? Who did you move in with, you can imagine them asking. When did you have time?). So what did he have to say about this?

"In my opinion,” he explained, “I think most songs are written for one listener. Maybe there's one thing in there that only they'll notice about them.... It's so much easier to say something in a song than it is to say it to someone and I think it's really amazing to be able to communicate through that and be able to wrap up everything that you want to say in three and a half minutes and say it in a song."

- HS, May 3 2017

By this time, please believe that I was screeching. Seeing this felt like he put into words the exact feeling I had about “Dream With Me”. It felt like a nod to someone that I didn’t know, which made the story hard to listen to, tbh. Although, I will say that when I did finally listen to it, it knocked me out and gave me odd dreams so. Once was enough for me haha! 

So my new operating theory is exactly what Advansun said: I think that H was the primary writer/the driving force behind the story. Because of the references I’m about to run through, because it feels like the way he tells stories, and because they admitted to him being more involved than they originally claimed. That’s going to be how I write the rest of the analysis - under the impression that H had a direct hand in the story that was being put forth. However, I think that the analysis itself would stand whether or not he wrote any of it. It would just be a more tenuous reflection of him than I believe it to be. 

2.) How Do I Love Thee? In Two Ways. 

Before I jump into the story, let’s talk a little about the poem that I want to compare it to: Two Loves, by Lord Alfred Douglas.  Let’s be clear this is not at all a defense of who Bosie was - he was a terrible person, particularly in his later years, when he’d converted to Catholicism and turned his back on his younger self, and his partner, Oscar Wilde. He was violently anti-Semitic, and turned his back on his own community. I want to get this out of the way because I very much believe that we should examine artists for who they are. That is, after all, what I am trying to do here. 

But his poem Two Loves has often been used - much to his disappointment, I’m sure - as an exploration of queer love in Victorian times. A line that I will be exploring more deeply in a second was in fact used against Oscar Wilde in his trail for indecency . He attempted - unsuccessfully - to explain it away, but it was too blatantly about their relationship for even the British Victorian society to ignore. I really, really recommend a read of this poem, because it is - despite it’s author - a good piece of work, which explores the themes of shame and love and longing between two men in that time. 

I’m going to start with my own background, as someone who’s analyzed fandoms before. I first came across this poem in the Sherlock fandom, with this analysis by @the-7-percent-solution​, when I was running in that fandom, and she explains the poem brilliantly in just a few lines. I’m going to take a little longer to run through it, but if you want a concise explanation and a brilliant meta, I encourage you to run to their blog and check it out. That fandom taught me most everything I know about catching symbols and recurring themes and “clueing for looks” and I love it desperately, still. 

But we’re here to talk about this fandom, so on with the poem! Essentially, the poem outlines a dream the speaker had: In his dream, he’s standing in a field with flowers - beautiful ones of all kind - and he meets this young man with clear blue eyes and bright red lips and they kiss a bit and have a picnic, and it’s all lovely. If you think I’m kidding, I’m really not. Please, read it for yourself. 

Anyways, after they did they did the whole picnic thing, the speaker and his date go on a walk in this field, where they come across two figures. The first is described as, 

“...fair and blooming, and a sweet refrain Came from his lips; he sang of pretty maids And joyous love of comely girl and boy, His eyes were bright, and 'mid the dancing blades Of golden grass his feet did trip for joy; And in his hand he held an ivory lute With strings of gold that were as maidens' hair, And sang with voice as tuneful as a flute, And round his neck three chains of roses were.” 

- Two Loves, 1894

The speaker, however, was drawn to the second figure: 

“He was full sad and sweet, and his large eyes Were strange with wondrous brightness, staring wide With gazing; and he sighed with many sighs That moved me, and his cheeks were wan and white Like pallid lilies, and his lips were red Like poppies, and his hands he clenched tight, And yet again unclenched, and his head Was wreathed with moon-flowers pale as lips of death. A purple robe he wore, o'erwrought in gold With the device of a great snake, whose breath Was fiery flame..”

- Two Loves, 1984

Of course, the speaker immediately asks the second man who he is. The second man says, “My name is Love”. The first man corrects him quickly: 

“ He lieth, for his name is Shame, But I am Love, and I was wont to be Alone in this fair garden, till he came Unasked by night; I am true Love, I fill The hearts of boy and girl with mutual flame.”

-Two Loves, 1984

The second man sighs and acquiesces, “Have thy will. I am the love that dare not speak its name.” 

It was, of course, this last line that really gave the meaning of the poem away. It was the line that was put to Oscar Wilde as proof of a romantic relationship, it was the line that went down in history as a way to refer to queer love, and it was the line that first stuck out to me when I was reading “Dream With Me”. 

The reading here is clearly that “Love” is the love that is acceptable to society - easy, sweet, and cherished. “Shame” is the love that happens in secret - beautiful, alluring to the speaker, passionate, anxious ( as can be seen in the clenching and unclenching of his hands), and proud. He refuses to call himself as anything but what he is. The first man may call him Shame, but he refuses the name, and instead, offers a qualifier to his own descriptor. He is still love, he is just the love that can’t be spoken about. 

3.) Walking in Golden Fields of Sunflowers

Now let’s talk about “Dream With Me”. I’m ignoring the first few stanzas (from the line “Have you ever wondered” to “What the two of us can find”.) because those are pretty standard introductory paragraphs to a guided meditation. So we start with the line “Let’s travel now to moonlit valleys...”. 

I’m going to do the same thing I did with “Two Loves” first. I am going to describe literally, in general terms, what happens in the story. Warning, I change pronouns from “they” to “you” because the whole thing confuses me, but note that I’m always talking about the speaker and the listener: 

So after doing the standard intro, the speaker and the listener take a walk through the woods enjoying nature, particularly the grass, the trees, and the blue sky above. You’re already clearly in love. Then you’re magically on a raft, with cherry blossoms all around you. If you want a good visual for that, here’s a site that has pictures from a boat rental in Tokyo where you can snuggle on a raft in the  Chidorigafuchi moat. And then suddenly it starts raining, and they (you) watch the rain for a hot second, and then the scene magically shifts again, and you’re under a porch (although I guess it could be the boat rental’s porch. They do usually have covered areas). 

Kind of furthering that theory, they then lounge by the shoreline, skipping stones and hanging out, looking at the snow capped mountains. In case you’re curious, because at this point I sure was, you can see mountains from certain areas in the city of Tokyo. 

Anyways, then it’s snowing, and you’re magically in a cabin, just chilling by the fire, and you fall asleep again. You wake up somewhere else.

Where are you now? Well, you’re on a tropical island filled with palm trees. As an American, my mind immediately jumps to the Caribbean, but I suppose it could absolutely be in the Mediterranean as well. The island has white beaches, mangroves, a turquoise ocean, and a gorgeous, peaceful atmosphere. 

If you’re curious as to what a mangrove looks like - and I certainly was - they are a group of trees and shrubs that live in the coastal intertidal zone and Jamaica is doing a massive restoration project involving primary school children to regrow this vital part of their ecosystem. More interestingly, there currently exist no mangrove forests in the Mediterranean, so my initial feeling that this scene would take place in the Caribbean was correct. On that note - again, because I was curious - Jamaica has gorgeous white sand beaches with turquoise oceans. 

But I’ve gone off topic again! After you’re minds are “in tune” once more (trying to find a heartbeat, anyone?), you reappear in a meadow, with beautiful flowers of all kind, where you are now walking hand in hand through a field of sunflowers, which give the feeling a “warm and golden hue”. Then you come across a little farmhouse with daisies poking out (clearly I have no way of locating this anywhere in the world, but I assume that the UK has both sunflowers and daisies). It’s an empty house which was loved and left because of the passage of time, which inspires my favorite line in the poem: “ The thought of passing time inspires/A feeling that grows stronger”. It’s just...really sweet to me. 

So, of course, they do what anyone would do when they come across an empty farmhouse, they go inside. And there, they begin to fall asleep, reflecting on all they have just seen, referencing other scenes of the poem: “ Moonlit valleys, Burdened forests, Gazing at the ocean. Summer meadows, Tranquil sunsets steeped in emotion”. 

The next few stanzas are just going to be copy-pasted, and then I’ll go into them a bit, but this is the end of the poem, so they’re the final reflections;

“The tenderness we feel When we are close Two minds as one Surrounds us and connects us But we’ve only just begun.

For now we dream together Of all there is to follow. And know that sleep will keep us safe From now until tomorrow.

Maybe all the memories That we’ve gathered here tonight Are all dreams now remembered Or wishes in plain sight.

No matter what They’re with us now. For this night and forever. And every time we close our eyes They’re yours and mine to treasure.” 

- HS, Dream With Me, via @carl-and-pearl​

And that’s it! The literal story, in short, is that you started in a forest, then went to Tokyo (maybe) and then Jamaica (perhaps) and then back to a field of sunflowers and daisies in the UK (which is also a guess, it could be Italy or France or Idaho for all I know, but let’s call it an educated guess). 

4.) My Dream Journal

So now that we know what happens in the story, how do we interpret this? Well, There are a few lines in the poem that I want to draw your attention to: the first takes place in the first part of this story, when you’re still in the forest. This is, I must say, the most direct reference to Two Loves in the whole poem/song/story. Both works are describing a walk in the woods with your loved one, and, in a fun reference in the middle of the story, Dream With Me says

The shimmering reflection Shows us smiling from above. But what we think But dare not speak is L-O-V-E love.

-Dream With Me, 2020

Remember that line I mentioned before? I am the love that dare not speak its name. Right, so that’s almost a direct quote. It also has a really fun nod to “I Would” (Would he say he’s in L-O-V-E?/Well if it was me then I would), but I digress. 

This first part of the narrative, I feel, really sets up what the rest of it will look and feel like, in the same way that “Golden” sets the tone for Fine Line. (You didn’t think I was going to make a post about Harry and NOT mention Golden, did you?? If you did, I’m disappointed!!). So  let’s take a look at what’s happening, and the language he’s using to describe it. 

One of the best things about this poem is how vivid it feels. Of course, I’m about to argue that it’s vivid because it was based in reality, but let’s talk about the sheer amount of detail he uses to describe the place he’s walking through. The valley (canyon lmao) is moonlit, the grass and the leaves make mosaics of green, you’re walking by the heather (the symbolism of heather is good luck, admiration, and protection), the sepia sunlight breaks through the trees. 

You know what it kind of sounds like? Sweet Creature. You’re about to roll your eyes at me! I can feel it! But listen, okay?  

“Sweet creature Running through the garden Oh, where nothing bothered us But we're still young I always think about you and how we don't speak enough”

Which, to be honest, sounds like what they’re doing. They’re walking through the garden in the sun, not daring to speak about the Love that he (they both) feel, and instead refering to it in veiled Victorian terms. 

And then we head to Tokyo! I know that you’re about to ask me why I think it’s Tokyo versus...idk, anywhere else? Well, for one, he went to Tokyo (to let it go) publicly in 2019. He was there for a few months, and there are some great pictures of that time: 

Look! Here he is with his club owner friend and his dog, and a fun red bandanna! But let’s be honest, the dog really steals the show here. But wait! there’s more! More dog content, too!

This was on Jan 31st, 2019, and he’s taking the dog for a walk! Very cute! If nothing else, he spent a lot of time with dogs in Tokyo! And the city fits the description of the story. So I feel rather comfortable with my interpretation that this first date is a memory of this trip - or another - to Tokyo. 

So what did “you both”do in Tokyo? Well, chill on a raft while the cherry blossoms flutter around you, clearly. You also refocused your purpose. What did he do in Tokyo in 2019? Well, he took time to think about and write songs for the album he was about to go record. Kind of like refocusing on what’s next, right? And then, in the story when “you both” had time to think amongst the lake and the water and the rain and the moon, and you’d come to the conclusions you needed to, you left. What did he do when he did the things he needed to? Well, he left, too. 

And where did he go? Well, in real life, I suppose he went to do his job. But, in the story, you’re meant to be falling deeper and deeper into sleep, so it’s sort of like traveling backwards, you see? Like counting down to one. So you end up on this island with turquoise ocean and mangrove forests. I’m calling this Jamaica. Why? Well, the description fits, for one, down to the four types of mangroves that exists within its ecosystem. 

And - probably the biggest reason - I can place him there, too. Here’s him in 2017:

I added this picture because the water around him....looks rather turquoise, doesn’t it? Kind of like he’s enjoying his time on a tropical island by the beach?? Oh, and here’s another one!: 

The red bandanna makes a comeback! 

So what are you doing in Jamaica, according to the story? Well, you’re hanging out, basically. Enjoying the beach and each other, of course!  What else? To be exact, “[Your] thoughts dovetail and unify/ In tune two minds together”. I’m so glad that you’re tuned like an old guitar now! Congrats! Really happy for you! 

What was he doing in Jamaica three years ago? Why, he was recording his first album, or so the story goes. I’ll tell you something: finding press for that album was literally the most difficult part of this whole analysis. I got a fair bit of the tattoo roulette with Kendall Jenner, and some things about Carolina, but the interview with Zach Sang took me like an hour and a half to find again to link. The fact that a lot of it has been buried is...not great, for posterity purposes. He’s going to want that one day. 

But I’ve gotten off track again! We gotta go back and finish our story, right? What happens now? Well, this does: 

hahahaha okay, I’m really sorry, but I had to. I’m not, actually, making it up though! According to the story: 

“ As minutes turn to hours We drift off somewhere new. And visualize a stairway To a door we now walk through”

- Dream With Me, 2020

So maybe Louis was just...demonstrating for you. 

Anyways! Where do you walk out to? A golden field full of sunflowers. You walk for a minute, then come across an old house with daisies popping up out of the garden. And that’s where the story ends. I guess you’ve made that farmhouse feel like home. 

Now to the little reflection he does on the outro. The lines I want to bring your attention are: “The tenderness we feel when we are close two minds as one surrounds us and connects us but we’ve only just begun” and “Maybe all the memories that we’ve gathered here tonight are all dreams now remembered or wishes in plain sight.”

Let’s talk about the first sentence first. In the context of finding a home that could be a shared home, and a future, this is very much an “end of the story, beginning of our lives” sort of thing. You’re back from all over, and it’s time to settle down, and see what’s next. 

And now the second sentence. I think this is the one that really drives my point about this story being a collection of memories he has - that’s what he calls it. The story is “gathered memories” that might also be called “remembered dreams” (think of how people say of vacations, “oh it was a dream!”) or you might call it “wishes in plain sight”. This feels in line with the rest of the story. In this stanza, he’s sort of letting you in a bit. If I’ve read this right - and I really think that I have - he’s giving the larger context for the story. It’s a collection of memories he’s had with someone he loves. 

5.) Cool! Can you prove it? 

I mean, I’d argue that if you read this far, I have proved it, but let’s make some more links, shall we? This was called a “muscial epic” that was “driven by him”. I’d argue that if I know my Victorian literature (thank you, Sherlock!), then he definitely does. Then there’s the fact that he quoted it, so. That did happen. And he knows what it means. And even if he didn’t, there were two other people on the story. Someone was more than capable of catching that one, and the fact that they didn’t speaks to intent. They want you to think of that phrase when you read this poem. They want you to think of that walk in the woods while you’re going on this one. 

And, as for my assumption that this is for and about one person, well. Think about it. He said that he writes his songs for a single listener. I’m not saying it’s the same listener each time, let’s get that right, but it is always just for one person. With that, and with the assumption that he’s been involved in the writing of this story, I’d say that the same rule applies. He went with someone to Japan and Jamaica (J^2 haha). And, if I had to guess, it was the same person. 

Why, you ask? Well, for one, if that weren’t the case, then this poem would no longer be for one listener, it would be for multiple. And, for another, imagine how awkward it would be to listen to it with his current partner and have to explain “oh, yeah that was the super romantic vacation I took with someone else” . And, I suppose that because I think that attitude of “refocusing” and “dovetailing” and “tuning” and getting excited about imagining all of the tomorrows with your partner speaks to a long term relationship breathing easily, you know? 

I’m also going to argue that describing the aura around the house as “golden” was intentional, especially when paired with the location - in the middle of a field of sunflowers. Those are both direct references to his songs. And those two songs are particularly linked by the number 28. The third song that features 28 is Fine Line the song, but that’s a different story. Anywho! “Golden”’s bridge just repeats the word ‘golden’ twenty eight times (if you go here , you can count the bridge) and “Sunflower Vol. 6″ ends the song with 28 “boops” (believe me, I wish I was making this up. I’m not.). So then, once again, you’ve linked a story to two already linked songs. 

And, even if you don’t buy the intentional repetition, they’re linked another way, aren’t they? The color scheme and the sun symbol. Sunflowers were named because of their sun-like appearance. They turn to face it. They symbolize loyalty and adoration. And then, of course, the sun is - say it with me - golden. And it - like the person in golden - waits in the sky, beautiful and dangerous and constant. And here that symbol is, in a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere. At home. 

This whole story feels like you’re taking the time to find that heartbeat that you think you might have lost, and sort of coming back to a space where you understand that this is what you want, now and forever. It feels like finding a home that could be yours forever, and it feels like walking through some of the moments that remind him of that. 

It really is rather lovely, if you think about it, especially since he has a tendency to attribute “home” to people rather than place, in his songs. So it’s like. Going all around the world and always being at home. 

#harry styles #calm #dream with me #two loves #honestly man #im happy for you #but ewww #be less sappy please #i mean #SOME OF US DONT HAVE THAT YET HAROLD #hahahaha i think im funny #long post ts #idk how else to tag this but im really proud of it #okay now i'll do the penguin song #promise hahaha

[horansqueen]

AM Conversations : chapter 27

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -3.9k. -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- if you want to be notified when this is updated, please message me or leave a comment!

- you can send me questions and theories and comments. tbh they all make me SO SO SO SOOOO HAPPY! and make me want to write more! you can also tell me if there are things you WANT to happen. you never know, i may add it :P

- thanks for being patient btw! i work a lot these days and will work even more in the next few weeks (until halloween) so i may not update as often as i’d like. :(

- not many “Niall & Liv” moments, im sorry. i promise more in the next chapter!!!

-please, message me, give me feedbacks, it would mean sooo much to me!

Chapter 27 : Her chapter 

OLIVIA

I was still crying when I parked in front of Niall's house and I stayed a few minutes in my car, my forehead leaning on the wheel as both my hands gripped it tight. I didn't know what I expected but when I felt Niall's hand on my stomach, I was shocked. I knew we had been talking about sex a bit before and of course I was sad, but I didn't link that with the fact that Niall wanted to pleasure me. Just thinking about it again made my heart jump in my chest and as hurt as I was at this exact moment, thinking about the words he whispered in my ear and his hard cock against my thigh was turning me on in a way I couldn't explain.

Finding out the next morning that he still had a girlfriend and that what he did to me meant nothing was extremely rough. I had felt so light as I fell asleep but now everything felt heavy, even breathing. Especially breathing.

My tears kept falling on my cheeks as sobs escaped my lips and I suddenly felt so mad at Niall that I wanted to scream. I started hitting the wheel roughly, letting out a short yell, and although I knew I probably looked pathetic, I couldn't help it.

"I love you okay! I fucking love you Niall Horan!"

Just expressing it out loud made me nauseous as my whole body started throbbing. Did I ever say these words before? I was pretty sure I hadn't. The closest was when Harry asked me if I loved Niall and I said yes but other than that, I never wanted to say it.

I stopped hitting my car and started crying again for I don't know how long but when I got out of my car, the tears had finally stopped. My eyes were red and puffy but at least I was not crying anymore. I unlocked his door and walked inside, not liking how quiet it was without Niall around. I was not used to be here without him but since he was at my place and that I had rushed out, I needed some clothes to get changed and I was not ready to see him again.

I walked to his room and found a pair of jeans and a band shirt that I left there a while ago and quickly dressed up before sitting on his bed. I couldn't help but play the scene of our first and only sexual encounter over and over in my head. How good his fingers had felt, how hot it had been to find out he had masturbated thinking about me, how turned on I was to feel him grind his hard dick against the side of my thigh.

I turned my head to look at his bed, knowing it would be wrong to touch myself right there and then but still considering it. I felt my cheeks burn at the thought and finally shook my head. I was sad, so sad that my heart was even more broken then it had been before, but most of all, I was mad at myself for thinking Niall could be interested in me as more than a close friend. i knew Harry had said otherwise and I had allowed myself to believe it for a few hours but now the fairy tale was over.

I felt so conflicted by all the feelings inside me that I just closed my eyes and tried to focus on my breathing. My emotions were all over the place and I didn't know why I felt horny all while feeling extremely sad and in pain. I was about to lay down in Niall's bed when my phone beeped.

I sighed and forced myself to look at it, scared that it would be Niall. I didn't feel ready to talk just yet and I knew I wouldn't be able to tell him no if he wanted to see me. To my surprise, it was actually a text message from Julie and it made me frown. It's not that we didn't get along but she was mostly Liam's girlfriend to me, whom was Niall's bandmate and nothing more. We had spent some time on tour together but even if I really liked her company, she spent most of her time with her boyfriend while I spent mine with Niall or Harry.

'Need to talk, can we come over?'

The 'we' implied Liam and I was suddenly curious to find out why they needed to talk to me. Curious enough to answer the message immediately. I couldn't tell them to come to my place since Niall was still there, or I guessed so, and asking them to have a discussion in Niall's house while he wasn't there seemed plain wrong.

'Can I go to your place instead?' I quickly typed and hit send, getting an answer immediately after.

'Of course'

She ended up texting me their address and I told her I was on my way but I remained sitting on Niall's bed, running my hand on his sheets gently. I missed him, I lusted him, I was mad at him... but most of all, I loved him. I loved him so much it hurt like hell. In the past few months, I had allowed myself to really feel the love I had for Niall, to let it invade all of me and even accept it as a part of me. However, the consequences seemed horrible and I did everything I could to keep my tears in this time.

With an other sigh, I finally got up and grabbed a water bottle from his fridge before going back to my car. All I wanted was to go home and get drunk but instead, I drove to the address Julie sent me and parked in front of the house. It was immense, horribly huge, and I ended up thinking i'd probably get lost if i lived in a place like this. My awkward and clumsy ass clearly couldn't remember where she put her stuff. I could barely keep my small apartment in order anyway.

It didn't take long for the door to swing open after I rang the doorbell and Liam sent me a smile, bringing me into an awkward hug before telling me to come in. Julie hugged me too and for some reason, I felt like something I didn't understand was happening.

"Beer? Wine?" Liam asked, pointing a finger at me and making me chuckle.

"Wine, white or red, i'm not picky."

He winked and left as Julie told me to sit. I did what she asked and leaned against the back of the couch, staring at her with small eyes. She looked slightly uncomfortable, as if she wanted to talk to me about something touchy and that she didn't know where to start. I thank Liam when he came back with a glass of white wine and moved on the couch to sit on the edge of it.

"Just let it come out the way it will." I proposed Julie, raising my eyebrows. "We'll work with it."

I stared at her for a few seconds and decided to take a sip just as she decided to answer.

"Did you ever tell Niall that you're in love with him?"

I was so shocked by her question that I choked on my wine, coughing a few time before swallowing hard and looking up at her.

"What?" I asked with a frown. "What makes you think that-"

"Liv, please." she cut me gently, raising one of her hands up to stop me. "It's pretty obvious."

I breathed in and held it in, closing my eyes for a few seconds before sighing and opening them again. My eyes moved from Julie to Liam and then back on Julie. I let my shoulders fall and brought my glass back to my lips, drinking half of it before shrugging.

"No I never told him, I don't see the point." I explained low. "He doesn't feel like that for me. But hey, i'll survive."

Julie glanced at her boyfriend before looking back at me. I still wasn't sure why I was there and I wanted to ask her but I also didn't want to seem rude.

"Look, you need to talk to him again. This sort of separation you two are in? It's bad."

I wanted to answer and tell her that we were back to talking but after what had happened this morning, I was not sure anymore. It felt horrible to explain, too, and discussing what Niall did to me the night before made my heart jump with embarrassment. I also sort of wanted to keep it to myself, like some memory I cherished since it would probably be the first and last time something sexual would happen between Niall and I. That being said, in a while, when it doesn't hurt as much, it would definitely become a memory I'll gladly use late at night.

"I mean it, Liv. It's really bad. Niall's a mess without you, he's miserable and he doesn't want to talk about it. I think you should tell him how you feel. We've been waiting for you two to date for years."

This time, I chuckled and rolled my eyes, drinking what's left of my glass. Liam quickly got up to go back to the kitchen and I sighed,  tilting my head and looking at Julie.

"Niall doesn't love me. Not like that, not romantically. Niall dates people like Maya and Heidi or that girl who had a youtube channel or something like that. Not girls like me."

"Niall loves you, Olivia. He clearly does, even Liam noticed!"

As if on cue, Liam came back with the whole wine bottle and filled my glass again before turning to his girlfriend with a frown.

"What did I notice?"

"Niall." she simply answered in a low tone before Liam turned back to me, his eyebrows raised.

"He's in love with you, no doubt."

"See?" Julie quickly added, making me chuckle again and close my eyes. "Even Liam finds it obvious!"

I wanted to thank them for being so sweet but I felt like I knew Niall better than them and with the way he treated me, I couldn't believe anything they had said.  I was tired to be hurt, there's just so many times I can have my heart broken, and keeping my hopes up would just hurt me more and more every time.

"He's stubborn, and blind, and stupid." she expressed in a serious tone. "And I know it sucks but you can't expect him to tell you he loves you first. He doesn't even know he does or at least, he won't admit it to himself. It has to be you, you need to tell him so he can finally open his eyes."

"He's probably scared of what he could feel, and also to lose you forever. He doesn't want to see how much he loves you and I can assure you that he's never loved an other girl the way he loves you." Liam added, reaching for Julie's hand and squeezing it gently.

I looked at their hands together and did everything I could not to tear up. I hated their speech because it was starting to make me believe that maybe they were right and I didn't want to. It was too dangerous. At the same time, I knew part of what Julie was saying was true. I couldn't keep on living my life with this big secret, with these strong and intense emotions inside me without ever telling him. I had to tell him how I feel, I had to say it even if it meant I would lose him because the more time passed, the more we fought and the more miserable I was. If I never tell him, i will always wonder what would have happened if I had, and it's better to regret doing something than regret not doing it. It had always been my motto for everything else, it had to be for this, too.

"Okay, I think I will."

                                                        -----

I drank half the bottle of wine and decided to text Niall to ask him to pick me up. Julie made me promise to give her news and I just nodded because deep down, I knew it wouldn't be good news. Liam told me he'd have someone drive my car back to my apartment and I thanked him, knowing that arguing about it would be useless.

When I saw Niall's car pull in the driveway, my heart threatened to jump out of my throat but I just walked slowly to the passenger's door, waving at my hosts and getting inside. I looked at my best friend and realized that I couldn't give up on him even if I wanted to, whether it was as friends or as more. I would always feel something for him, something deep. It seemed like all we did recently was fight and make up and I was not used to it but I knew we were changing, just like our relationship together and those who had with others, and it was okay. I was ready to do anything to keep Niall in my life. At all cost. He had told me I was his priority but I wasn't sure he had noticed that he had always been mine.

He drove in silence but I knew he was glancing at me from time to time but it's only when he put his hand on my thigh that I gave him all my attention. I focused on the way his thumb rubbed gently in circles against my pants and I swallowed hard, torn between pushing him away or just enjoying his light touch, which resulted in me simply keeping quiet.

He parked and we got out before I followed him inside. I cleared my throat, not really knowing were to start. I didn't want this to be heavy but at the same time, I wanted him to tell me a few things that could change so many things.

"I came here earlier, to get some of my clothes and get changed." I admitted.

"I know." he just let out, throwing his keys on the coffee table and making me chuckle and frown.

"How do you know? You've got an alarm system that messages you when someone gets in your house?"

He turned to me and shrugged with a small smile.

"Yea, but I'm still not totally sure how it works." he let out with a smile, making me laugh. "I just noticed what you were wearing, that's all."

My smile faltered a bit and I shrugged a shoulder before sitting on his couch.

"We need to talk, right?" I asked, not really knowing what to answer to his last comment.

"We need to talk."

He sat slowly next to me and sighed before turning my way. His eyes met mine and I thought about what Julie and Liam told me. Would I really be able to tell Niall how I feel? Would I be able to let out words I had expressed out loud for the first time in the last hours even if I had been feeling them for years, and now in front of the only man i've ever loved? That seemed like the end of the world. My world.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It's a bit of everything and I promise i'm not trying to find excuses but..." he shook his head and sighed again. "You were sad, we talked about sex, you said you missed it... I wanted to make you feel better, I just... I really wanted to touch you. I wanted to watch you.."

He stopped himself and I held my breath. His words made my whole body burn and I knew it should have been a bit embarrassing but it was not at all. I wanted him to talk more, I wanted to know everything he felt and thought.

"What I said when I was touching you... it was true, you know. I would lie if I said I didn't have this... newfound lust for you. I do. You noticed it, didn't you?"

I remembered the way he got hard when we fell on the floor after we danced but it was the only example I could think about.

"No, not really." I admitted, making him frown. "I mean okay, after we dance and you fell on me I felt something but it could have been just a coincidence."

"I told you." he laughed. "I'm not 16 years old anymore."

Thinking that I actually made him horny and hard at least three times in the past weeks was incredible and I swallowed the smile that wanted to draw itself on my lips.

"What I mean is, I wanted it but I didn't think about how it would make you feel. Mentally, I mean. I'm sorry for that. I didn't think."

"You said it meant nothing." I pointed out, feeling my heart stir hard in my chest as my smile fell completely. "That hurt, you know."

He rubbed both his hands on his eyes and shook his head with a groan. It really seemed like he felt guilty and I couldn't help but feel endeared by him. I didn't know how he brought all these feelings to appear inside me but he was the only one who could make me feel so intensely.

"You know that's not what I meant, i'm sorry." he started, finally looking up at me. "I'm with Maya and that was so wrong. I didn't think about her at all or about how you'd feel after finding out I was still with her after I touched you. I thought with my dick and i'm sorry. But... Liv, yea, i'm with Maya but... she's always come second."

I felt myself tear up and held my breath to be sure not to miss a word he'd say.

"She asked me if i'd ever love her the way I love you and I told her I didn't know but it made me think and.. No, I never will. I don't think I can ever be close to someone the way I am with you, or love anyone the way I love you, and It's scary as fuck. Because... I mean, will I ever find someone for me? To have a decent relationship with? I mean, no girl I can date will accept to be second, right?"

I let a tear slide down my cheek as I tried to keep my sobs in. The truth was, I didn't know if I was sad or happy with what he had just admitted.

"Please, don't cry."

I sniffed, unable to talk and knowing that my voice would just crack if I tried. And he moved closer, bringing his hand to my cheek and wiping the tear with his thumb. But right after, he didn't pull away. He remained close to me, his palm burning the skin of my face, and the only thing I wanted to do was to kiss him. His eyes roamed on my face and I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to kiss him and tell him how much I love him. I wanted to kiss him and tell him that if i'd always be first, maybe it was because we were meant to be more than friends, that we were meant to be together... that we were some sort of soulmates.

I had no idea if I would have done it or not because the doorbell rang and he moved back, dropping his hand on his lap and sighing loud. He was not happy to be interrupted by whoever was on the other side of the door and I wasn't either but I used this time to swallow my pain and breathe in deeply.

I closed my eyes and he left to answer while I played the scene that had just happened over and over again in my head. He came back and I finally opened my eyes, the images behind my eyelids immediately vanishing, and my heart twisted when I saw Maya, standing next to him. She didn't seem pleased to see me and I couldn't say I was happy to see her either, but even more than that, I felt guilty as hell. I swallowed, remembering that her boyfriend had his hand in my pants not even 24 hours earlier. It's not like I could forget it anyway.

"Oh, I didn't know you were here." she said, sending me an awkward smile before sitting down next to Niall on an other couch.

"Yea, I mean, I wasn't feeling so well, so."

"Oh, I heard about you and Harry, i'm sorry about that." she let out sincerely this time, or maybe I was just a bit naive. "Niall and I were supposed to spend the evening together, I hope it's okay with you."

I was about to apologize, get up and leave when Niall spoke.

"It's no problem, we can all watch a movie together."

I watched as Maya's face changed into different facial expressions as emotions invaded her but in the end, she sighed and didn't argue. I let them decide on a movie since I was not really interested in it anyway but I kept glancing at them, since the couch they were sitting on was closer to the tv. I noticed Maya glancing at me from time to time right before grabbing his hand, kissing him or cuddling him. I understood she was getting territorial and I couldn't blame her but it did hurt anyway and I was pretty sure that was the whole point of her  petty behavior.

I couldn't help but think that if she wasn't there, i'd be the one cuddling Niall and it made me nauseous. After all, Niall said I was his priority, that he'd never love anyone as much as he loved me, and I really wanted to believe him, but it was not easy. I thought about Harry and what I had lost, and it seemed extremely unfair that what broke us up was something that made Maya want to fight even more to preserve her relationship. Harry gave up on me because of the relationship I have with Niall, but Maya was fighting against me to keep my best friend, and I couldn't help but feel completely unworthy of love.

I quickly wiped an other tear that fell down my cheek and when I looked up, I noticed Niall was staring at me. Maya was still all over him, staring at the tv, but he was looking at me with sad eyes. He licked his lips and mouthed an 'I'm sorry'. I wanted to talk to him, to cuddle him, to be closer to him, but it was impossible. I just sent him a sad smile too and shrugged before closing my eyes.

I knew I said i'd tell Niall how I felt for him but I knew it was not the right time. And now, I was not even sure there would ever be a right time.

#niall horan #niall horan smut #niall horan fluff #niall horan fanfic #niall horan fan fic #niall horan fanfiction #niall horan story #niall horan writing #my fanfics #amc #gah yea its bad isnt it? next one will be better

[scrapyardboyfriends]

Jenny’s Belated Live Blogging - Week of 7th January 2019

- Right! Time for the longest one of these ever since I finally caught up on the whole week. I am kind of glad I waited and just watched this whole week together and that I kind of knew mostly what had gone on. It was sort of more like when I go back and watch 2012/2013 episodes, which was nice. I feel like maybe it made it a bit more palatable to me because basically nothing I’d read in the live blogging this week made me want to watch. (I tried to title each section to make this a bit easier to read through)

Overall - I think in general I enjoyed the beginning of the week more than the end. Now, the whole Mandy thing was insane and kind of ridiculous but I liked the feel of the episodes more for some reason. Maybe it was the slightly slower pace, more breakfast scenes, more hanging around feeding the pigs (RIP Gloria), more history being used, that it just felt different and I liked that. Thursday and Friday I think just felt even more contrived so that put me off a bit more. Though I did appreciate the community feel on Friday with everyone knowing and asking about Vanessa and Rhona being at the hospital and what not. 

Jessie and Marlon - But let’s dig in. First we had the wedding...which was...so not about them it’s almost hilarious. It really does make me a little sad because in general, while I don’t think they’re the greatest couple, I like Marlon and Jessie and their interactions between the bigger milestones in their relationship. The bigger stuff always feels forced though, or rushed, or like it was delayed and then rushed. I don’t know, it doesn’t fill me with confidence for their longevity and that bums me out a bit because I really want to like them more and I like their little family unit and I don’t want that broken up. But despite no one caring about their wedding, even April who’d rather go to school and then Billy and Ellis weren’t even around, I did sort of enjoy the hijinks of Jimmy sleeping through it and Mandy crashing. Also Paddy fixing Marlon’s tie while Harriet explains to Jessie that she’s marrying both of them. 

The Aaron and Billy Debacle - Speaking of Billy, I still think it’s insane that Aaron isn’t more involved. And maybe he will be, but it still feels wrong to hear other people go on about it and for Chas to be boycotting weddings and barring Marlon from working at the pub (which, thank god that’s over thanks to a wrestler. Oy!) over it when she had literally a two second conversation with him about it. It’s hard because we know the severity of what happened to him in prison with Jason dragging him to Gordon’s cell but everyone else just keeps saying ‘Oh Billy gave Aaron a hard time in prison’ and that just...if he was involved in the group that dragged to that cell...doesn’t cut it as an explanation of his involvement. And it’s hard to watch without knowing if anyone ever will understand or you know...ask Aaron about it further. Or even ask Robert who knows. Robert doesn’t even have to tell them the details, just that it was a lot more than ‘a hard time’ that it had to do with him being gay and that it had to do with Gordon. I think that would be enough to get the point across. I don’t know, maybe those spoilers about Aaron being nervous about going out because of Billy are true and that tiny clip in the producer video was a panic attack or something and they will get back to Aaron’s involvement in this story but until then, I’m going to think it’s weird. 

Mandy and Vinny - Now, on the subject of Mandy...wow the confusion. Haha. I mean, I kind of enjoyed her presence and wouldn’t have mind her staying longer, but I’m still utterly baffled at everything that happened with her weird little return. But I did enjoy seeing her and Marlon and Chas and Sam all sort of running around worrying about Paddy. It felt more like old Emmerdale and it was nice. Now the source of all of that worry being over an old letter that suggested that Paddy’s real father might be a random wrestler was...an interesting choice. I just want to know if Vinny is going to be his son after all because the similarities were obviously staggering. But were they staggering just because they wanted to do the comedy beat of Marlon announcing to Chas that Paddy has a son so they could throw us off before getting to the wrestler (I still can’t believe this is a thing). Or are they going to go somewhere with it since Vinny asked why she didn’t tell him the real reason she came when they were leaving and she said it wasn’t the right time. What does any of it mean?! 

- I guess my thing with the idea of Vinny being Paddy’s son is that if he is and he knows he is, I wouldn’t think he would be that calm about it you know? And I would expect he would have known who Paddy was when he bumped into him and would have had a different reaction. And also there’s the ‘why now’ of it all. If this was something Vinny just found out, you’d think he’d not care about his mum taking her time telling him, that he’d just blurt it out. But he didn’t seem to really care, so maybe it was just about that comedy beat. But then what is the real reason she came?! So confused. I guess we’ll find out eventually. 

- I did enjoy that whole cafe scene of Marlon trying to ply her with food and coffee so that she’d stay away from Paddy. It was good fun. And Brenda talking about Gennie was lovely. Even Megan remembered she had a son that died. All that history was nice to have remembered on screen. Makes it all feel more connected with the past and less like the show and everyone have just moved on from all the insane things that have happened over the years. I also liked having Mandy and Chas just hanging out at the bar together for that one scene. Since Chas and Charity rarely get to be buddy buddy these days, it was nice she had a brief substitute cousin. 

Paddy and his Daddy (and an Aaron sighting) - That sounded wrong. Haha. So...it was interesting to hear a bit more about Paddy’s family history because I didn’t know much about his past before. That said, this whole wrestler thing is insane. And are we really going to have this Bear guy come and be on the show now? Is he going to lead to something else? More family if he has kids? Half siblings? I just don’t quite understand what the implications are from this story or what it will mean for future characters on the show. It’s certainly an odd one. I guess if Vinny still turns out to be his son, since he’s animal obsessed, maybe him coming to study under Paddy at the vets would make some sense for why he’d come back to the village. But again, I still don’t get Vinny. At least this random story did give us an Aaron appearance for minute or two. Although, I wish he’d been involved for more than just that one scene. I just want Aaron to feel like he’s properly a part of village life again, not just brought in to offer some sagely relevant advice and then depart again. I mean, it was a good scene but it did feel a bit weird, him showing up and being all ‘I heard about Vanessa and now I’ve been briefed about your plot Paddy so let me do my whole ‘relate things back to Gordon’ bit and tell you biology doesn’t matter’. I just wish he’d been there on Thursday at least with Robert at the bar while they waited for news on the trial. Robert could have just been updating them through Rebecca who was apparently at court (was Robert at court or not. Still confused about that) and Aaron could have noticed something going on between Marlon and Chas and he could have been like ‘alright spill’. And he could have agreed with Chas that she had to tell him because he deserves to know because Aaron hates when people keep secrets like that from him and don’t let him make his own choices about stuff. It would have made sense. And then he could have followed that up on Friday with his little chat and I feel like it would have felt more natural. 

Ryan and Dawn - On the Ryan and Dawn front, I think it was a good choice for her not to date while she’s trying to get clean even if Ryan seems to have a hard time getting that. But I was glad Ryan and Charity made up even if it’s just so I don’t have to endure any more scenes of her moaning to Vanessa that he won’t answer her calls. 

Matty - Also, I’m glad Matty is going to get his surgery in April. I hope it actually gets to go ahead and doesn’t turn into some tragic affair but rather an empowering moment for him. I feel for him having to deal with Moira’s nerves about it even though I get where she’s coming from a bit and I think it’s good that they show that consistent reluctance in her. I think it’s more interesting that she’s trying even if she’s still struggling with it all than if she was just all gung ho about it and they forgot how much of an issue she had at the start. And I thought it was interesting too using Faith who had had a mastectomy for different reasons to have Matty explain that it’s kind of life or death for him too in a way. 

Bernice finds a place to live - Best part of this was Diane sleeping. Haha. I still don’t understand why Liam is still living at the B&B. Where is this house he’s having renovated anyway? Can’t they all just move into Jacob’s fold or something? Or have Liam buy Brooke Cottage? The whole thing is still weird. 

Maya and Jacob - still creepy and wrong but I’m glad it’s progressing and the tutoring sessions feel like a good step in this plot. It’s still one of the more interesting stories they have going on right now. Also...Jacob’s hair is getting out of control. haha. 

Graham’s Alcoholism - This week did make use of those similar circumstances a few times, like bringing Laurel into the Graham alcoholism stuff. Now, I think my feelings on Graham are well known by this point. I find him completely dull and I don’t get him. But he was like almost a human in that conversation with Laurel, which was nice to see. Not so much when he then went home and opened up to Megan without once looking her in the eye. Also, watching him look after Amba was...strange. Haha. 

Megan and Graham - I still don’t know how I feel about the whole Megan and Graham thing. It doesn’t really work but it’s also more tolerable than him just rattling around Home Farm on his own. And Megan in Home Farm works better for me than her with Frank. It’s not even about Graham. Haha. But having Take a Vow back up there where it started feels right. Miles was obnoxious though. As much as I’m sort of dreading this upcoming Vanity proposal, I’m kind of glad Charity is stealing it from him. 

Cain and Moira and the Joe thing - On the Cain and Moira front...well...that’s getting repetitive. I still have such a hard time with this story because it all centers around Joe and involves Graham and Debbie whining about missing Joe all the time while Coira look guilty. It’s just, while I think the idea of Cain breaking down and having some kind of existential crisis over actually killing someone is really fascinating, the fact that it’s all to do with Joe and all that comes with that is so boring to me. Speaking of history though, I did like that bit where Cain referenced Zak beating him up. Of course it also reminded me that Zak is still technically a character on this show...which...will he ever be again? I still think they should just wait till whatever this feud ends up actually being and just kill him off so everyone has to come back together. In any case, Debbie looking for Joe is already painful and I can’t wait till the truth is just out so we can get to the next phase of this painful mess. Also, again Graham is drinking because Joe is coming up. What does it all mean? Did he kill him? Are we going to have to endure a Joe comeback? Why put me through that? Haha. And does the random guy hitting on Debbie matter or is he just a random? 

The Return of Lachlan - A bit underwhelming to say the least. Again, I thought Thomas gave a great performance but this and the Vanity stuff is what made the end of the week feel so convoluted. I mean, Lachlan finding ways to torture and scare Belle from prison, interesting. But it would have been more interesting three months ago after she betrayed him by not being in love with him after he murdered all those people for her. The nerve! Haha. And since it had nothing to do with his sentencing or her giving evidence or anything, it all just felt a little pointless this far out and with no catalyst for it. Why did he start at Christmas? It’s just odd and doesn’t make much sense. And bringing back Donny for it is also bizarre since not even Belle knew who he was really. I mean the scene where Donny went to the prison to see Lachlan was interesting, seeing them talk more frankly than they ever had before was nice since the first time around Donny just wasn’t interested in seeing any of the darkness in his son because he just wanted money. Then again, he just wanted money this time too but I think that last scene was supposed to show that he now at least understood what a monster his son had become. 

- I would have loved to have had Robert involved though as the only other person who really knew Donny though. I mean, it’s not even about wanting Robert and Aaron involved because I like them, they just make sense to use in these situations. If Robert and Aaron had been at the pub too on Thursday, if they’d gone to the hospital with the others (hey sometimes Robert and Vanessa are friends okay), if he’d heard from Charity that it was Donny, he could have been the one to go see him at the hospital and convinced him to turn on Lachlan. Belle could have asked him or talked about going to see him and Robert could have said ‘let me. i know him’. I just think there would have been something fascinating about Robert and Donny meeting again after all this time since they were both too preoccupied with their own issues the first time to care about Lachlan, money troubles and the affair. Them both being like, wow we fucked up, he’s a monster now, would have felt kind of earned between the two of them. And the shipper in me would have loved for Aaron to go with him and sort of loiter outside the door and have Donny make a comment about Robert leaving Chrissie for him. 

- That said, I do like that Belle got to have her last word. That’s kind of what I thought his return would yield in the first place, just some closure for her. The show loves doing that sort of thing. They did it with Rhona and Pierce too. I think it’s nice for the victim to get to have that closure but at the same time Lachlan felt like he was supposed to be a bigger villain than Pierce and I feel like he should have gotten to go out more in style. Or again, this all could have been done three/four months ago and it would have felt less absurd. 

Vanity - Where to begin. The idea of giving them some angst and a near death experience to lead to feelings being shared and a proposal sounds good on paper for any ship. Involving them in this weird Lachlan mess and having Vanessa get stabbed by a person she’s never met and have Charity go after him when she’s never met him either just feels so anticlimactic. Haha. And their fight, while I agree, they had good fighting chemistry (let them do it more) was based on literally nothing. Now I do think that it’s well within Vanessa’s character to be the person that believes Belle’s paranoia is not just paranoia because she’s been there with being the first one to see something was off with Pierce. And I also believe she would speak up about it. And I also believe that Charity might go around to check on Belle, or at least she would have in the old days. But, like Aaron’s involvement with the Paddy thing, if they were going to do this, they should have been involved all week, should have been there for the break in, Belle could have mentioned the text to Charity and Vanessa the bar one day and Vanessa starting to think something was up from there. Something to build to them being there so it didn’t feel so strange. I mean it doesn’t make sense to involve them in all this anyway and for Donny to be the one to stab her (would have been better if it was a random and completely unconnected), but they at least could have made an effort to make it make more sense and be smoother. In any case though, they didn’t and because of that, it felt very forced and heavy handed having Vanessa keep chiming in and sniping at Charity during that whole scene. And then again at the pub. It was so contrived. Now it felt like a plausible argument for them to have if there had been any real basis to it. I kind of wish they had had scenes prior to that that would have made that argument make sense because that seems like a real problem they might have if the show cared about giving them depth at all. Not to compare them to Robron, but it felt sort of like the fight they had at the scrapyard after the letter incident when Robert was shouting ‘I try my best to be part of your family and I’m always in the wrong’. But that line and fight felt earned, felt like it had been building and I was happy Robert finally got to express some of that. It felt cathartic. This fight just felt confusing because it came from virtually nowhere and was more akin to whatever that argument that Pete and Leyla had before he cheated on her with Priya except this led to a stabbing instead of cheating. I just wish they’d put more care into it so it felt less forced.

- That said, Michelle’s acting was good and Vanessa’s fear for Johnny came through well and despite the fact that Charity had no clue who the fuck Donny was, I enjoyed her taking a pipe to his head. Although Donny just standing there and waiting to be caught was unbelievably dumb. Would have been better if he’d left Johnny and been trying to get back into the car when Charity went after him and if she hit him and drove off before the police came and just watched them take him in her rearview mirror as she sped off to the hospital. 

- I did like seeing everyone go to the hospital for Vanessa though. It’s rare that you actually get all of the relevant people there and they’ve done a decent job of that first with Bernice and now with Vanessa. So that’s nice. That said, it still really shows how isolated Charity and Vanessa are when it feels shocking that Rhona and Paddy and Chas and even Tracy and Frank are all there and I forget how they’re all connected for a brief moment. Seriously, let them interact with other people more! 

- In general though, it feels very much like the producers wanted to bring Lachlan back and they wanted to do some crazy near death stunt for Vanity so they decided to merge the two and contrive this situation but it would have been better to leave them separated because connecting them felt weird and wrong for both sets of stories. Or at least if they were going to do it, they should have started intertwining them earlier. 

If you actually made it through all of this...I salute you. 

#belated live blogging #emmerdale