#anyway id like to think of this as during the start of the clone wars when cal was like 8-9

[jediknightjameslunagazer23]

Sometime ago, I drew James Lunagazer for an Caduceus ID Tag made by @theblueskyphoenix following Manga Chapter 8's completion, but figuring that the old one was rather outdated, I decided to redo the ID Tag but this time I actually did two versions for James, one for when he's at Caduceus USA during UTK/SO, and one for after he transfers to Caduceus EU at the end and remains there for the start of UTK 2's storyline until probably around either Chapter 2, 3 or 4 of the UTK 2 game story for those familiar, he ends up returning to USA out of certain circumstances which I'll probably later share in an double post since I think this bio would be too long otherwise!

Also I'd like to think there's an Reserve team for treating G.U.I.L.T outside of the main Counter Measure Team just in case, like say one of the main doctors or nurses was ill, someone from there would take over.

(And yes, James is definitely not the most photogenic person! Which is ironic given his father was an amateur photographer, but don't worry! I'm sure he'll get better...! Probably, Maybe. )

Anyway I should probably do an bit of bio for James here, given I gave one to his assistant Nurse Bentley Toby:

James Lunagazer was born on 23rd May 1998 in Scotland, UK as an child and teenager he would be quiet most of the time, but also rather hyper, reencating scenes from Star Wars Prequel Movies and Clone Wars episodes, even watching anime such as Fullmetal Alchemist, Assassination Classroom, Naruto and so on alongside his father who he was very close to as an child especially after he divorced his mother, however it tragically was never meant to last.

As one fateful December night when he was 16, James' father sadly passed away in hospital due to an cancer being discovered far too late, this traumatic event had quite an major effect on the young boy, who could only watch as he felt his father slip away right in front of him, and even now it still haunts him to this very day, he also silently resented certain other doctors for in his eyes if they had bothered to look harder and weren't incompetent asides from one his dad would still be alive.

After his father passed away, James was sent to live with his Grandparents, where he struggled to recover from his father's passing, and it's believed that this is what led to him being more socially withdrawn in later years, but in all that dark grey an little angel seemed to come to him, for shortly thereafter, the family would adopt an certain young girl that had no relatives, as you've probably guessed, that was Kira, honestly the whole idea of being an big brother was rather... alien to James, but eventually he grew to love the little one for being there when he needed it, even though she can be mischievous sometimes.

But this would also lead to James developing an overprotective attitude around the little one especially for if Kira was ill and after treating her one time, James finally found his answer, ("I'm going to become an doctor to make sure that no one suffers like I did!")

In St.Francis medical school/Hospital, shortly after leaving high school James worked incredibly hard, just determined to be an doctor as soon as possible though this did mean that he hardly dealt with his own stunted social skills, and would only speak with teachers leading him to be called teacher's favourite and other nasty rumors, especially around strange occurances surrounding him, which unknown at the time was actually Apollo lending him an hand though subconsciously.

All that led to James being practically shunned and mistreated, and it probably would have made him give up, if it hadn't been for an lucky visit from Nurse Bentley Toby who also had the same powers and sensing the potential sleeping within brought him to Caduceus USA.

This would be around the time the G.U.I.L.T War started, and after showing his potential during an practise operation, James was assigned to the Reserve Unit which was formed for just in case any of the Main G.U.I.L.T Counter Measure Team was either absent or ill, initially James would only talk with Bentley due to him being his main assistant and mentor but after Dr. Tyler Chase and Nurse Leslie came over to help him out with an patient one time, James would finally begin to soften his shell and enjoy others company even coming to view Caduceus USA as his second family.

He still has much, much to learn and emotional obstacles overcome once he becomes aware of his powers, but all in all, James definitely has an lot of potential now it's an question of whether he can achieve it or not.

Additional information about him:

-He would idolise Dr. Derek Stiles in the same manner as Adel Tulba at the beginning and strive to be like him, only to later grow into his own person, but out of all other doctors at Caduceus USA, Derek is definitely the bigger brother figure he's closer to.

-While James is by no means an terrible thinker, in fact some of his improvised on the fly ideas have saved many lives time and time again, he can unfortunately be rather oblivious to meanings of certain phrases and is often the butt of an lot of Tyler's antics due to being gullible.

-It takes an lot to anger James, but if he is you'd better brace yourself, though this can be an double-edged sword as when someone is in the wrong, he would try to make said person see sense, but he's often prone to misreading the situation and can unintentionally make things worse, he does admit when he's in the wrong and will try to fix his mistakes though.

-He and Nurse Angie Thompson do not get along with each other at first, though it wouldn’t be as bad as when Derek and Angie were enemies at Hope.

It all started when James misjudged her for being rather intimidating and bossy just from overhearing an scolding she gave Derek one time when he was late with paperwork as usual, and after an rather embarrassing teasing by James' sister Kira when she was an patient, Angie ripped into him hard verbally out of frustration telling him to set an much better example for Kira, his pride wounded James snapped right back and they were pretty much on thin ice with each other until an time when he panicked during an intense high operation and Angie helped him pull through it, afterwards the pair apologised for misjudging each other and even formed an alliance of sorts.

("It's like what Gordon once said to Thomas after he saved him from falling down an mine, "United we stand, together we fall, you help me and I'll help you!"

"Um...Well, while I may not understand what you said, it sounds good to me, Dr. Lunagazer!"

"Just call me James or Luna! I'm not sure if I'm even good at being an doctor yet, I'm only twenty after all...")

-He has many hobbies outside of work, such as drawing sometimes, and if he gets the chance even craft something as he was an cosplayer in the past, but his favourite hobby is sometimes practicing with an toy lightsaber, claiming it helps him focus and get in the zone better if he imagines it like an operation, even holds it like an scalpel for good measure, he's pretty much an champion being able to best Tyler most of the time, but when he came up against Angie....oh boy.... he quickly regretted being incredibly cocky thinking she would be easy, however he didn't count on her being an trained Aikido fighter!

("She's got no weapons to fight with, Surely I'll win thissss---AAAHHHH!!!!!"

*THUMP!!!*

"O-Oh my goodness!!! I am SO sorry!! Are you alright!? I must have put too much force into that throw!"

"Whooooaaaa.....no worrieeeeeesss..... just spinnnning.....urghhhh, are you aware you have now three heads Angie...???")

Yeeeah, pretty much after that James made absolutely sure to NEVER get on Angie's bad side afterwards, he's still traumatised from that event to this day, if someone even so much as mentions aikido, he'll just freeze up and shudder!

-He quickly gets attached to Nurse Leslie Sears, viewing her as an older sister after he learned she joined Caduceus at 20 much like he did, and even later on learns how to braid his ponytail from her when learning that Amy, Tyler's younger sister her hair that done by Leslie once.

-On another topic, while he might be gullible, shy and even some what of an airhead when it comes to love matters, he might sometimes sneak an tease or two here and there once he gains confidence and for when Tyler goes overboard with teasing Derek about his relationship with Angie later on, he along with Kira definitely enjoy embarrassing Tyler an lot on the subject of Lesile Sears!

("Soooo~....when's the day Amy's going to have Lesile as an sister-in-law Tyler? Hehe!"

"Sh-shut up kid!! Jeez... I think I might be rubbing off on you an bit too much it sometimes, And you just wait as you'll probably have someone like that too someday!"

"H-h-hey!! At least I'm not as uh....uh....um...doh bother!"

"Word of the wise young one, never try to tease someone about love unless you've got an good witty comeback! Whahahaha!"

"Yeah, sure... for if and only IF you'll ever be successful as an wingman in these matters....I'll be sure to take your advice then Dr. Chase!"

"Oh hoho! Now you've asked for it kid! Get back here!")

-He definitely would freak out seeing Apollo in the astral plane for the first time, he thought his heart would stop and that he was going insane from talking to an god in his head, thankfully Derek and Asclepius managed to ease James into it, and now on occasions they let Asclepius and Apollo chat as Father and Son.

-Also due to growing up in the UK for most of his childhood, he would often struggle with American terminology at times, particularly around train services given he watched Thomas the Tank Engine as an young child and read the Railway Series too, and yes he's an massive train lover, even got to ride on Thomas during an Day out with Thomas event for his 3rd birthday and has been to the National Railway Museum in York!

("Oh sorry! Didn't mean to call the Conductor the Guard, Spent most of my early life in Britain after all!")

-He would have an bit of Scottish dialect mixed with Japanese due to watching some anime at times, but not very much he's incredibly rusty at German but can probably understand some of it if he tries, he's mostly British though.

-He wanted to be an Firefighter when he was younger, but ultimately chose the path he has now, even did an Firefighter course in High School once!

And I think that pretty much covers James' bio at least at current time for UTK/SO Manga wise, and phew it was quite the long one, and probably much more to come once I cover his Caduceus EU ID Tag and his UTK 2 story (Or at least general plot ideas for him during those events.) Also given Naomi was moved to Hope in the Manga, I'd figured maybe James could replace her for those scenarios, If you've made it this far through my massive lore dumping, thank you very much for sticking around!

#trauma center #trauma center manga #oc artwork #james lunagazer #caduceus #trauma center second opinion #trauma center under the knife #jediknightjameslunagazer23

[mystech-master]

Annon-Guy: What are you personal thoughts on Nu-13 and Lambda-11 In terms of gameplay and personality? You can talk about their character designs too id you want too.

Okay, I need to first summarize what I know of Nu and Lambda at the moment before I give my personal thoughts. A lot of shorthanding and maybe some errors may be involved so plz forgive me.

long post bellow, beware.

Nu-13 and Lambda-11 are both Prime Field Devices, artificial humans made for the purpose of exploring the boundary. Specifically, they are Murakumo Units: PFD’s outfitted with the Nox Nyctores Lux Sanctus: Murakumo as full-on weapons.

When Ragna’s siblings were captured, because of Saya’s innate gift with seithr, she was used as the basis for creating all of these Units. There are usually referred to as “clones” which means everyone treats them as either the same as Saya or also sisters, leading to a lot of incest jokes and rants in the fandom. More on this later but I feel like it has to be brought up.

we first meet Nu-13 as the final boss of the first game Calamity Trigger, where we learn that this is technically the 3rd time she and Ragna have met, since before this Ragna was blowing up NOL branches and cauldrons to stop more Murakumo Units from being made, as they are all just fake copies of his sister who was tortured for their creation.

Nu-13 has a full-on yandere crush on Ragna due to 2 factors I believe, 1. she is constantly viewing him through the lens of the fragment of Saya’s soul saying “Ragna is the big brother who loves me”, and 2. Ragna killing her again and again. This causes her to see Ragna killing her as loving her. Not helping is her being made in the Boundary which completely fucks up your mental state when near it.

At the end of almost every ending in CT, Nu defeats Ragna, skewering them both on her sword, they fall into the Cauldron and travel back in time 100 years to become the Black Beast that ravaged the world in the Dark War, creating a time loop. As when a Murakumo does an imperfect fusion with an Azure Grimoire (or at least a piece of the Azure) it becomes a Black Beast, with a perfect fusion resulting in a Kusanagi: the God Slayer (which is what Noel becomes and what the villains were trying to do to take down Amaterasu (the god of Blazblue world). Fitting as a Murakumo, with the Kusanagi being a super version of it, has a Nox capable of resisting Phenomenon Intervention, which is the Mater Unit’s main Power. So when they say God Slayer they do not mean gods in general they mean a SPECIFIC god. Just need to say that).

Anyways, Nu kills Ragna every now and again for like 725 loops before Noel steps in during the true ending and manages to grab Ragna before he and Nu fall into the Cauldron.

In Continuum Shift, the second game taking place right/ a week after the first game, Nu’s body is recovered from the bottom of the Cauldron (yes those things apparently have a bottom they aren’t just portals) by Sector Seven and Kokonoe proceeds to ake Nu’s soul and put it in the body of another Murakumo Unit, Lambda-11 to use as a puppet and fight for her. Her weapons are made of titanium alloy instead of Hihi'irokane (the mythical Japanese metal which is also in the Susano’o Unit and is also the name of a Soul cutting sword in Blazblue), and she is outfitted with an IDEA Engine, an improved version of the Artificial Causality Phenomenon Weapons: a scientific counterpart to the Nox Nyctores using Atomic Power rather than souls.

Lambda’s memories are still in there and she recalls the torture she had to endure by all the scientists creating her, which I assume all Murakumos underwent including Nu, so Kokonoe has to erase her memories to make her an effective tool, even if she regrets it.

They don't really explain where the soul starts and the mind/memories begin and vice versa though, this is another thing I will tackle later.

She sends out Lambda in the second game to do things, she like Tager for the most part just acts as Kokonoe’s proxy, until the climax of the true ending where Ragna is fighting Terumi at the top of the NOL branch. Just as Terumi is about to kill Ragna, Lambda takes a lethal blow for Ragna, and in her final moments, Nu’s soul comes to the surface and is glad she got to see Ragna again, him having recently gone through the character development of not seeing Murakumos as things but as people after interacting with Noel. As she dies and fades into sparkles, weird for a science thing, she grants Ragna her Idea Engine, giving him the power boost he needs to defeat Terumi and later save Noel who was smelted into the Kusanagi.

Now in the third game, because Ragna and Nu have a Life Link, which means one cannot die permanently without the other being killed in a short time frame, Nu is now able to come back as she couldn’t before with Kokonoe shoving her soul into Lambda. She mostly just acts as the villains' combat android until she copies Noel’s power to summon the Master Unit (as both are Saya fragments and also fragments of The Origin, the first PFD who made contact with the Master Unit and sort of.....became it?). Then in the climax, the villains summon Take-Mikazuchi, a giant titan satellite laser thing, and make Nu the core of it. Once the body is destroyed Ragna goes inside to deal with Nu. She proceeds with her usual shtick of telling Ragna they will “become one” and to kill her and all that, saying the backstory of pretty much every Murakumo about how she was made to be a weapon and how she was tortured and shit, this is also her saying Noel’s backstory since Noel ‘Observed” Nu as her which is SORT of true since they are both Saya but not really, it’s confusing as hell. But, basically, she is saying the shared Murakumo Backstory and Ragna sees this as her cries to be saved, while Nu, who only sees her and Ragna’s relationship as a mutually sadomasochistic one, goes bonkers and tries to kill Ragna, not out of yandere lust, but actual anger and hatred. Ragna wins and brings her out of Take-Mikazuchi, where Izanami takes control of her and makes her stab Ragna and he goes berserk and loses control of the Azure Grimoire.

the fourth game Central Fiction is a mess so I know the least here but from what I recall:

Nu is now growing to be her own person, she is less robotic but that means Yandere Ragna mode is on all the time. She is going around absorbing Nox Nyctores to get power so she can kill Ragna and do the merge. Near the climax, she is fighting Jubei and when she almost kills Tsubaki, Hakumen steps in and wrecks her shit. (In a previous time loop Tsubaki was killed by Nu b/c Noel didn’t exist and wasn’t Jin’s secretary instead of Tsubaki, so she went after Jin in the first game who was going after Ragna, she got caught in the crossfire, with Nu’s yandere mind hating any female in the same room as Ragna, and dies. Jin then falls into the cauldron after Ragna and Nu to become Hakumen during the Dark War. More time loop BS).

Meanwhile due to the Embryo, BS plot device, Lambda just.....comes back to life. Even though her soul was technically never a part of the story as it was NU’S soul in the body during CS. Anyways she is basically “good Nu” she is fighting the villains through sheer Power of Love and just wants to see Rgana again, she is pretty unimportant in the overall scheme of things.

After the world is remade Noel and Lambda move into the rebuilt church where Ragna and the siblings grew up and became nuns, looking after the comatose Nu who is kind of a vegetable with her sole reason for existing, Ragna, now no longer existing and all memory of him being erased.

Okay so after that lengthy summary, here are my thoughts.

1. the sister thing.

In spite of them being “clones” of Ragna’s little sister Saya, that hasn't stopped a shit load of ship teasing with the Murakumos by both the writers and the fandom.

Part of me thinks it’s because they go too far in the “They are their own unique people, they aren’t just fake copies of Saya” to which the fans mostly agree, but that just means while they aren’t Saya they are still related/connected to her. It isn't like Ragna can only have ONE sister.

Also, the reveal of Izanami being Saya at the end of CS also factors into this.

My only way to do mental gymnastics around this is saying that by “clone” they just mean copy/looks like her and has the same abilities, but genetically they are different.

I mean, we have no idea how Murakumos....work. They can't have any mechanical bits because we see them get zapped in-game and they have no metal, Noel CERTAINLY would've known she wasn't human if she didn't grow like a normal human or eat, sleep, produce waste, etc.

To me, Murakumos seem to be like software/computer programs given physical form via seithr. More like the Valentines in Guilty Gear, “robots” made up of information.

Plus, the story only ever points out the sibling connection with Ragna and Noel, and that’s in the LAST game and until then she’s just a stranger to him, with Lambda and Nu NEVER being treated the same.

And before anyone goes “BUT THE SCIENTIFIC DEFINITION OF CONE MEANS ‘HUR DE DUR, SAME DNA’ AND THEY USE THE WORD CLONE TO DESCRIBE THEM IN CANON! MEH!”, that could just be an over-simplification as to what they are, and I feel like a lot of series just rely on an oversimplification of terms. Like how Black Holes mostly work in fiction is NOT how they work IRL.

Now, does this mean I would’ve wanted Ragna to get with Noel or Lambda or Nu? Fuck no. I can appreciate cute little one-shots that have nothing to do with canon, but in terms of looking this train wreck of a story and trying to fix it they have other issues that make me not want to ship them.

I might go into why I wouldn't want Ragna x Noel in another post later, but I’ll stay on topic with Nu and Lambda.

Both are kind of boring

Lambda is basically Nu with less personality and is just a plot device for the most part.

As for Nu, even if you redeem her and keep her loving Ragna qualities without the yandere murder, it is still boring. because all her interests are Ragna she has nothing else going for her. Outside of the most generic romance shit what can you see Nu doing with him? it’s a bit upsetting because Nu seems like the type of person who’d have Ragna’s back and punch Jin in the dick if he insults or threatens Ragna, which is something I would LOVE in an S.O. for Ragna.  But without her own interests and character, she is just......boring. And yeah you could theorize that she gains an interest outside of Ragna post-redemption but that is too broad of a statement that I can’t really do anything with it.

So frankly, even IF we ignore the sister thing or do weird mental gymnastics about it, Ragna/Nu and Lambda would just be BORING as they are in canon outside of the most generic BS.

2. The connection between Nu and Lambda

Really Lambda was just made to keep Nu’s gameplay in while killing her in canon, that is a dumb excuse.

Some people like to see Lambda s Nu but redeemed temporarily but then come to CP and it’s like none of the Lambda stuff mattered. You’d think that at least Ragna would use Lambda’s death as an ace for his argument on using the Azure Grimoire as when he wasn't able to use it he got his shit kicked in and someone had to DIE for him because of that. But NOPE.

Then she is revived for bullshit fanservice reasons in CP Extend and is barely a thing in Story Mode

A while ago I made a post showing 3 ways they could've gotten rid of Nu that would’ve made good character moments. I will be focusing on number 3 here: Have Nu and Lambda be the same person.

Instead of Lambda being brought back via Embryo Bullshit, have Nu and Lambda be a split personality deal. Like Nu is the CS Mu to Lambda’s Noel. Say during Ragna’s Arcade mode or Nu’s Arcade mode Nu slightly hesitates when about to kill Ragna, reality flickers a bit revealing Lambda’s color scheme on Nu, showing that Lambda is within her. Nu’s soul spending time in Lambda has given her an alternate identity.

This doesn't just have to affect just Ragna, maybe Lambda remembers that Kokonoe mind-wiped her and tried to make her into a puppet thus making her no better than the villains.

During the climax, instead of Nu’s yandere rage, we have that mixed in with Lambda’s hysterical cries begging for death due to the torture of Nu’s memories. Both side tr and kill Ragna out of rage or trying to force him to kill them in self-defense. Ragna, of course, doesn’t and saves them, thus allowing Nu-Lambda to be brought back to Kokonoe and redeemed.

Maybe her hair is a mix of Nu and Lambda’s making it a Platinum Blonde (making it a mixture of Nu’s white hair and Lambda’s blonde hair), and the tanner skin complexion and red eyes further separate her from Noel.

3. Story roles

The first two games are fine for the most part but I have some ideas for the last two.

For the 3rd game, an idea I had was instead of Nu being the one to summon the Master Unit via stealing Noel’s power, have Amane do something important in this game instead of having him chase Carl.

he is said the be the “Uzume” like the god who stripped and made Amaterasu come out of the cave after her sibling fallout with Susano’o. Simply have Amane be the “herald of Amaterasu”, possibly being a being similar to Terumi, a spirit of a god unit. maybe not AS powerful as the Sankishin, but just under. This means that Nine’s Hino Kagutsuchi would fall under this category as well. Or maybe he simply has a story connection with Noel in accepting the part of her connection to the Origin and the Azure or something.

To go off of the shipping thing above, maybe to at least use the Saya soul thing, she is struggling with her feelings towards Ragna because how much of these feelings are her own, and how many are born from an isolated sibling’s misplaced love? This is probably something a villain taunts her about

I kind of theorize that Saya’s fear of other people instilled in her during the siblings’ days as lab rats and Ragna protecting her made her develop an unhealthy sister crush on him, this, of course, isn't helped by the Origin (who she is based on) wanting Ragan to be her knight in shining armor.

Again, more on this later possibly.

Anyways, so Lambda can get her own feelings in order and prove that she isn’t just a copy of Saya or Noel, she tries to make her own identity. maybe cutting off that large Murakumo ponytail in the process, b.c that’s an Asian culture thing about cutting hair to symbolize the beginning of a new stage in her life. Maybe after forgiving Kokonoe, she joins Sector Seven not as a field agent like Tager, but as Kokonoe’s new assistant and friend, showing that she isn't going to be used as a tool or a weapon.

I still need to get on with drawing Lambda in a lab coat styled after her Murakumo cloak.

As for at least Nu’s connection with Ragna. It is weird because I generally either hate or have enormous contempt for almost everyone Ragna has interacted with for the pettiest reasons. For Nu, while she is crazy towards Ragna and tries to kill him, it's due to her own psychosis and insanity, which is partially Ragna’s fault. Everyone else who gives Ragna shit is either a villain (in which case it’s fine because it is a VILLAIN, which Nu sort of counts as), or an arrogant asshole who KNOWS what they are doing for the lols. So I SORT OF give Nu a semi-pass. But like I stated above I can’t see what she would be if she were redeemed, so I do feel like if she wasn't going to be used as a way to bring Lambda back, she should've been killed.

 The point is, the Murakumos have a lot of potential for smaller things but they are incredibly mishandled in a lot of ways too, including showing up where they really shouldn't a lot of times. Shipping is okay so long as you are capable of doing mental gymnastics to ignore the sister shit, and don’t look at a whole lot of other issues.

These are just my thoughts and maybe I didn’t explain things enough, or I did it weirdly, or I have some different opinions, IDK. This series gives me a lot of feelings

#blazblue #nu-13 #lambda-11 #my thoughts #long post

[sawthefaeriequeen]

Top Ten Books Read In 2018

1) The Last Summer of the Death Warriors by Francisco X. Stork

I picked this up at a book fair, read the summary, and figured I'd surprise myself with this author I'd never heard of before. It's about the friendship between DQ, a guy with terminal cancer dealing with his complicated feelings for his estranged-but-conciliatory family, and Pancho, a guy who's biding his time until he can get revenge on the person who's killed one of his family members. I like that both boys are raw and real and people—Pancho obviously has messed up emotions, but DQ can be plenty bitter and angry too: he's not an Inspirational Cancer Patient stereotype.

2) The Sherwood Ring by Elizabeth Marie Pope

Girl moves into her uncle's old ancestral house sometime during the 18th century and gets immersed into the past lives and loves of the ghosts that thrived there during the days of the Revolutionary War, their paths often crossing each other's. I swear I have never seen more delightful ghost characters in my entire life.

3) The Unbound by V.E. Schwab

So by the time I'd picked this up, I was having mixed feelings about V.E. Schwab – on one hand, she'd always written worlds that engage me almost instantly with their creativity. On the other hand, I'd just recently been horribly disappointed by the ending to what's been her most popular series so far: I thought her final Shades of Magic book did a most spectacular job on dropping the balls on everything good about it. Up to reading it, I'd thought the author's hype was deserved. But after, well…

So when I picked this up, it was with much trepidation. I'd loved the previous book, The Archived: the big old house setting, the grim closed-off girl/sweet sunny boy dynamic the lonesome warrior setup, all were like catnip to my id. I didn't want it ruined by a bad sequel. Fortunately, this book took everything I loved about the book and turned it up to eleven. It upped the stakes, it intensified the relationships, and it also added a mental illness angle that I personally found very meaningful.

The author is still kiiinda on notice so I'm not sure I want a third book. If there is one, dear God, please be good. *crosses fingers*

4) Turtles All The Way Down by John Green

I remember thinking, as I was reading this: this is really, really working for me but will it work for someone neurotypical? 2018 was hell and I was just so desperate for the people in my life to get it, and so I kept hopping on trains of thought like this.

Anyway, this book was spot on in what goes on in the wirings of my anxious brain. Green's usual turns of phrase took an incredibly frenetic turn at times, which, I know, is exactly what it's like to have a mental illness. This is not a book about "this is what to do" it's about how it IS or how it can GET.

I'm still really grateful for that quote about the spiral – how it tightens, but also how it eternally widens. When I first saw the cover, I thought it was kind of blah; now I look at that spiral and see something different. I see the hope of creating a new 'normal'.

5) The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller

This was so readable it surprised me. I thought I'd go slow on it because: war story where it's a foregone conclusion that it ends tragically for the leads? Yeah, I'm not in a rush to reach the end of that. But I blazed right through this book. There's something really addictive about Madeline Miller's storytelling and how she brings her characters together and follows their blossomings and downfalls through the years. And then, the course of the Iliad and the inevitable sadness for Achilles, Patroclus, and Briseis was more like the slow turning of the tide rather than getting hit with a tidal wave. Anyway, not only was it readable but I'm finding myself eager to re-read it.

6 ) The Hero and the Crown by Robin McKinley

Part of my Read Everything Robin McKinley Writes mission that began last year. I'd liked the sheer escapism and the desert setting in The Blue Sword, but that whole white savior thing kinda put me off from enjoying Harry and the book more fully than I would've liked.

It was not so for this book, thankfully! Who knew that reading about the nitty-gritty of slaying big scaly beasts could be so satisfying? That's classic Robin McKinley, as I'm learning – you love what the protag loves. And then I really dug how the dead dragon's ghost haunting Aerin acts as a metaphor for mental illness.

(As I continue to wrestle with my diagnosis, I continually appreciate all the depression/anxiety metaphors I encounter in media. Maybe one day I'll make a post about it) AND ALSO: a love triangle that's actually well done and that serves our heroine's identity and character rather than taking away from it? Yes. Yes, thank you.

7) A Certain Slant of Light by Laura Whitcomb

Yeah so, this book killed me. It's about two twenty-something ghosts with unfinished business who find themselves in the bodies of two teenagers whose souls appear to have completely vacated theirs. They find themselves falling for each other and trying to find out what happened to their 'hosts' and what went on in their past lives. They also find themselves battling to survive the hostile home lives that their 'hosts' left behind. It's all very beautiful and kind of twisted and also a love letter to words and probably my most unexpected book of the year. And I have NO idea to rec it to people. "Read this, it's kind of fucked up but gorgeous but also can get triggery so step warily?" Uh.

8) Deerskin by Robin McKinley

See warnings above. Oh God. But really, I totally respect Robin McKinley for going full-out faithful to how utterly fucked up fairy tales can be while still creating a survival story. I'm not just talking about Lissar surviving spoilers incestual rape and miscarriage (indeed, I'm not qualified to talk about it) but how hers is a story of healing: by surviving the elements, by nursing living things back into life, by building herself up into a legend without even knowing it.

9) Muse of Nightmares by Laini Taylor

Just an incredibly satisfying ending to a duology that at the same time echoes that quote from Michael Ende's The Neverending Story: "but that is another story and shall be told another time." I love when something ends with that sense of: "there are even more stories and adventures for our beloved characters out there than you can possibly fathom, and you are now free to make up them yourself."

10) Autoboyography by Christina Lauren

I was intrigued by the premise: a half-Jewish guy and a Mormon guy fall for each other over the course of a writing class. And upon starting it, I could tell straight (heh, straight) away that it was going to be a favorite. It's an unabashedly kilig romance about falling for the wonderfulness in each other,and both mains are fucking adorable, and made me want to give them both a ton of hugs. Oh, and this book further reinforced my belief that the key to first-person writing is having a good voice.

Another thing is, I basically never see YA books that deal with growing up in a religion and actually-loving it and having it be an inextricable part of your identity… and then having to deal with the darker, prejudiced sides that you really wish would be excised from it altogether especially if they are opposed to who you are. To deal with it sensitively and touchingly, not only in a YA book but in an m/m romance? Well done.

honorable mention!

-The Secret History by Donna Tartt

I was reading this on the bus on the way home to the province for Christmas and I could not stop laughing and I had no idea to explain to my very curious sister that it was because half the protagonists were high as a kite at the funeral of the friend that they all killed and one of them had just very noisily killed a bee in the church vestibule and it made the loudest sound on the planet and they're all gonna have to ~aesthetically grieve and pallbear now even though THEY killed their friend and w o w it's like Nuwanda from Dead Poets Society was cloned five times.

Sometimes "pretentious people murder someone and somehow it is hilarious" is just exactly my cup of tea.

and a couple of series binges!

Almost 10 years ago (god, what the hell), I had a "YA Paranormal Romances I Might Actually Like" list, and the two trilogies below were on it. There's something gratifying about finally crossing off books on your TBR that have been there for ages:

-The Shade Trilogy by Jeri Smith-Ready (Shade, Shift, Shine) This series came out on the tail of the Great YA Paranormal Romance boom and I really wish I'd picked it up then (I also really wish some of the covers it got weren't so damn off-putting. It's like Animorphs all over again) because it's such cut above so many of the books that were being churned out in those days.

The premise is: what if there was a global paranormal event that left the portion of the population born after a certain year with the ability to see ghosts? I really like that the author thought this out thoroughly – it's not just a oooh spooky ghosties gimmick. Everything is affected: the educational system, the police force, politics, technology, travel, you name it.

The heroine was smart and truth-seeking and had nuancedrelationships with lots of female characters (bff, mentor, aunt who raised her, mom who died… ), the Betty love interest was a total sweetheart who also didn't seem too good to be true and who was capable of making major teenage fuck-ups, and the Veronica love interest was a rock-and-roll ghost who had the post-life character arc that I sadly wish Maggie Stiefvater had given Noah Czerny. I kind of loved them all a lot and one of the reasons I wish I'd read these books as they came out was so I could've been un-jaded just a little bit about Those Pesky Love Triangles.

(Someday I…really ought to make an analysis about why I dislike love triangles in general and what exactly was up with the ones that DID work for me.)

-Wolves of Mercy Falls trilogy by Maggie Stiefvater

I read the whole series toward the year's end. It was precisely the cold-weather binge I was craving. I may have my quarrels with some of her writing decision, but really few people can do atmospheric, poetic writing the way Maggie Stiefvater does. The romances were a bit too YA for me in this one, but I ended up really sympathizing with every single POV character anyway. And I mean, cold and poetry and family and books and wolves-as-family*.

(*One day, I'll have the emotional armor to watch Wolf's Rain again. )

#personal #text post #cross posted #the written word

[gffa]

Sometimes it’s easy to lose track of how amazing STAR WARS fandom can be, when there can be so much awful behavior by fans that never seems to end. But then you fling yourself back into reading fic and maybe not all fic all across fandom is perfect, but some of it is so incredibly talented and some of it is so incredibly good spirited and some of it is so incredibly fun that you remember, ah, yes, this is what makes fandom so much more than worthwhile. FIC SAVES ME EVERY DAY OF MY FANDOM LIFE and bless it for that.  Fandom is amazing. ✦ Bitter Confessions by FireflyFish, obi-wan/anakin, 4.7k    Obi-Wan Kenobi is having a secret affair with Satine Kryze and Anakin Skywalker is trying very hard to be okay with that. Until Satine ends the relationship because she’s tired of sharing Obi-Wan’s attention with a mysterious third person. ✦ Equinox by lilyconrad, obi-wan/anakin, NSFW, sith!obi-wan, 30.1k wip    During the Clone Wars, Obi-Wan and Anakin crash on a remote planet and take shelter in the ruins of a grand estate only to find they are not alone. ✦ Little Notes by Dragons_Heart, obi-wan/anakin, modern au, 1k    The idea of the secret admirer has been around for decades, possibly centuries. They never speak directly, but instead choose to leave little notes for their love to find. They only dream that one day they’ll be together. ✦ to prove it so by retts, obi-wan/anakin, force ghosts, 3.5k    ‘Then it was real, my Padawan.’ ✦ Don’t Let This End by SoftlyFocused, obi-wan/anakin, NSFW, 4.9k    Anakin is frustrated by how devastatingly handsome Obi-Wan looks at one of Padmé’s political parties, he gets drunk to cope. Obi-Wan is frustrated with how needy and demanding Anakin has been, he gets drunk to punish him. Both of them really need to release some tension after this seemingly endless war. ✦ Four Letters, Starts With L by frodogenic, anakin & luke/mara, 3.2k    A fluffy oneshot set in the Limpet AU. A terrorist attack, a medcenter, and the unpredictable consequences of a certain four-letter word. ✦ the sanctity of dreams by SpaceTimeSkywalker, obi-wan/anakin & bail, ~1k    Right before reaching Zigoola, Obi-Wan receives a transmission from home. ✦ closing in by SpaceTimeSkywalker, obi-wan/anakin, 1k    Anakin and Obi-Wan were already long gone at that point, as their souls had perished together in the lava and amidst the acrid smoke; and all there was left was their shells, empty, remembering fragments of happier times that had long since passed. ✦ Helpless by DonkerRood, obi-wan/anakin, NSFW, bondage, d/s, 1.9k    Anakin finds himself helpless. ✦ just a little bit by retts, obi-wan/anakin, 1.9k    Anakin took a deep breath and leaned into Obi-Wan’s space. Obi-Wan kept his ground and arched a brow at him. This was curious. ‘I like being tied up,’ Anakin whispered conspiratorially. Obi-Wan blinked. 'I beg your pardon?’ ✦ Young Lust by Writer_Markilyn, obi-wan/anakin & ahsoka, NSFW, modern au, 19.1k    Obi-Wan is only human, he sometimes forgot to turn off the stove, spent all his money on coffee, or even forget to change the oil in his car that now sounds like it’s going to explode when he turns it on. He ends up finding a mechanic shop that luckily isn’t too far from his home, and when he arrives, he lays eyes on a messy haired, oil streaked mechanic, with bewitching blue eyes, and it’s in that moment, Obi-Wan knows he’s a goner. ✦ slices by springsoldier (ladydaredevil), ahsoka/barriss & luminara & cast, modern au, pushing daisies au, 1.7k    In which Barriss bakes pies and wakes the dead and Ahsoka is her alive-again childhood sweetheart. ✦ Tiny!Obi-Wan and the Red Man, Part 6 + Part 7 by phosphorescent-naidheachd, obi-wan & qui-gon & mace & cast, 2.2k wip ✦ to be made right by SpaceTimeSkywalker, obi-wan/anakin & ahsoka & cast, 10.1k    Anakin is not angry; Obi-Wan is dead, and he feels hollow. Meanwhile, Obi-Wan realizes his mistakes, and Ahsoka is left to clean up the mess. full details + recs under the cut!

✦ Bitter Confessions by FireflyFish, obi-wan/anakin, 4.7k    Obi-Wan Kenobi is having a secret affair with Satine Kryze and Anakin Skywalker is trying very hard to be okay with that. Until Satine ends the relationship because she’s tired of sharing Obi-Wan’s attention with a mysterious third person.    Oh, this was such a lovely piece because it’s so incredibly true to Anakin’s character, that he’s consumed by this storm of feelings, that he’s so incredibly unfair to the people around him, he stomps right over the boundaries they’ve rightfully set up for themselves, because he feels things so intensely and cannot let them go. That Obi-Wan has made it clear he doesn’t want to talk about this, yet Anakin forges ahead anyway, that he knows full well that this is hurting his friend and their friendship and does it anyway, yet you cannot help but have sympathy for him and understand why Obi-Wan loves him so much. Because Anakin, mess though he may be, perfectly written here to show that anger and the dragon that lives in his heart, a metaphor that is used just the right amount, is still this incredible alive person, this brilliant star in the sky that Obi-Wan loves so very much.    So, I would have loved it just for Anakin being unfair and selfish and so, so sympathizable! But, oh, Obi-Wan, who tries so hard to be gentle yet firm with him, who has every reason to think that the truth would only hurt their friendship, who has put up with so much and will reach a breaking point here–such good characterization, oh my god. Especially when you realize that Obi-Wan is always warm and kind with Anakin, but that moment when he’s truly angry, Anakin gets a taste of the lethal and predatory side of Obi-Wan that has always been part of who he is. The moments where he stalks towards Anakin in fury or where he backs Anakin up against the wall, those are beautiful and appeal to my id like you wouldn’t believe (SO HOT OMG) but also are used to show just HOW MUCH Obi-Wan is kindness with him, that contrast shows exactly how different he usually is with Anakin.    But this is a happy fic and it has such warmth and kindness in the end, there’s a great line from Obi-Wan that’s utterly sparkling and perfect, there’s so much of Anakin being a mess in a way that should make me want to smack him, but instead just makes me want to wrap a blanket around him and feed him a cookie, which is exactly how I should respond to his character. It’s a shorter fic, but it was so pefectly made for me and so lovely and just a really, really great thing to pick up and enjoy! I LOVED IT SO MUCH. ✦ Equinox by lilyconrad, obi-wan/anakin, NSFW, sith!obi-wan, 30.1k wip    During the Clone Wars, Obi-Wan and Anakin crash on a remote planet and take shelter in the ruins of a grand estate only to find they are not alone.    Chapter 6: This is an update rec and will focus on this chapter, rather than the fic as a whole. As always, my thought whenever I finish a chapter of this story is, “Noooo, why does it have to end there, I want to keep reading!” And this is a chapter that’s about Anakin and Isten’s interaction, as well as the growing mystery of whatever creepy thing is happening in the house, and it’s all just so very lovely. There’s a sense of something shifting and roiling with Anakin here, he’s unsettled and I can really feel it in everything he does, whether it’s tossing and turning in bed at night or in his angry conversation with Isten. Whether it’s the house getting to him or being confronted with things he doesn’t want to think about (my answer: PROBABLY BOTH), it’s getting under his skin and let me tell you about how much I love Anakin Skywalker being a mess and being contrasted against the Sith version of himself and not wanting to hear what he has to say or feel how much more settled that version is in his own skin. The nightmares that haunt him (which are beautifully used here, how that’s something that still lingers in his heart and drags him down again and again, how it claws at him), the darkness that terrifies him, the way he feels like he’s not really in control, all of it is building and, oh, I’m so entirely here for that.    The insights Isten has into Anakin’s character, what he utterly understands about the person who is a mirror image of himself in a lot of ways, is fascinating, because it’s true–for all that Isten has Fallen, for all that one shouldn’t trust him, for all that he’s probably capable of terrible things, that just means that he knows how to face the truth and turn it into a weapon that cuts and undermines Anakin, he knows how to hurt with it. And the unsettling thing about the dark is that it’s not always 100% wrong, especially why he isn’t bothered by the house, but Anakin is. That he’s right about what Anakin wants when he acts out, how desperately he wants attention, how giving himself over to the one he wants will stop the noise–and, whatever else Isten may or may not be wrong about, he’s not wrong about that, when he himself is proof of it. And, oh, that contrast, that parallel between these two Anakins, that’s so good for me.    Of course, there’s still more going on. The house and the shadows that are slowly creeping forward are more pronounced now, even if the character themselves don’t see them. It’s slow and insidious and there’s something there, but you can’t put your finger on it yet and it’s beautifully creepy. And I still have no idea what drew these people together, if the Sith versions are just id made flesh or if they’re something else, I don’t know what they want or which of them is telling the truth about who Fell or if both or neither are, and there’s a growing closeness between Jedi Obi-Wan and Jedi Anakin, partly sparked off by seeing these other two together and the lust that inspires in both of them, but also because they’re in a situation that unsettles them and it’s natural to look to the other to or for help. And, oh, the ending of this chapter got me, I didn’t see it coming, but it was built up to perfectly and it made so much sense with everything Anakin felt up to then and Obi-Wan’s response to Anakin gave me a ton of feelings. Because it’s always just Anakin that he thinks this way for, that he wouldn’t care as deeply about someone else, he wouldn’t have such sympathy for someone else, he wouldn’t draw the parallel (because they’re not the same thing) for anyone else, he wouldn’t say what he does for someone else, just Anakin. And wrapped up in the darkness they’ve been forced to confront, it’s a beautifully built narrative element, all added to how it’s Anakin crying on Obi-Wan and that’s just like one of the easiest ways to my fannish heart, especially when it’s so beautfiully written. ✦ Little Notes by Dragons_Heart, obi-wan/anakin, modern au, 1k    The idea of the secret admirer has been around for decades, possibly centuries. They never speak directly, but instead choose to leave little notes for their love to find. They only dream that one day they’ll be together.    This was a short and cute modern AU where Obi-Wan is leaving notes for Anakin and it’s just pure adorable fluff, not even really angsty for all that it’s about pining. There’s not much resolution here, it’s just about the pining and the cuteness of it, that sweet period of just holding feelings you have for someone else and enjoying the mystery of it, but it’s really enjoyable for being exactly that! It’s utterly cute and a fun read to pick up when you want something soft and adorable. ✦ to prove it so by retts, obi-wan/anakin, force ghosts, 3.5k    ‘Then it was real, my Padawan.’    Oh, I really loved this a lot, it’s such a lovely look at just after Anakin’s death, that it doesn’t matter if the Force works this way or not, it’s about the emotional story being told and what it says about Anakin Skywalker, as well as Obi-Wan Kenobi. It’s hard to explain the solidity of this piece, how warm-hearted it is and touching it is, because it seems like a fairly simple thing on the surface. But it says so much about the characters, what they want in their hearts, the things Anakin years for and is terrified of, the things that Obi-Wan wants to do for Anakin, how much he loves this person, even after everything Anakin had done. The scenes themselves, just as nothing more than scenes in a story, are lovely to read, as Anakin is a Padawan again and has such a tremendously good, warm day, but the deeper meaning for both characters is what really got me here. It was heartwrenching, but in such a cathartic, hopeful way. It’s something of an honest look at Anakin’s character, that he was a monster, but that he’s let it go, and what’s left behind is still him and he’s loved. And Obi-Wan will lead him again, will take care of him again, and I’m not explaining this well, but the fic does a beautiful job of it and got right at my feelings on the whole thing. ✦ Don’t Let This End by SoftlyFocused, obi-wan/anakin, NSFW, 4.9k    Anakin is frustrated by how devastatingly handsome Obi-Wan looks at one of Padmé’s political parties, he gets drunk to cope. Obi-Wan is frustrated with how needy and demanding Anakin has been, he gets drunk to punish him. Both of them really need to release some tension after this seemingly endless war.    Ah, this was a lovely thing to read this morning, it’s soft around the edges in a way that makes my heart warm and feel entirely soothed, because they’re drunk and affectionately bantering but also genuine with each other, until Anakin can’t take the gentle teasing bites and touches and needs more and Obi-Wan finds him so devastatingly beautiful, is obviously just so completely in love with him, that it’s only so long he can hold out before having to touch him more, too. It’s just this really kind-hearted piece with some really satisfying sex, as Obi-Wan gently holds him down and opens him up until Anakin promises to be good and is writhing on his fingers and so, so gorgeous. Until Obi-Wan finally slides into him, Anakin nearly shaking apart with how much he wants this, and Obi-Wan keeps taking him apart, layer by layer, until there’s nothing but this in Anakin’s head, how much Obi-Wan loves him, how good Obi-Wan feels in him, how much he wants to hold back to make this last. It’s lovely and kind and ridiculously hot and satisfied my need for banter and the two of them in a situation where they can be drunkely affectionate and to just fuck the noise ouf of Anakin’s head, for Obi-Wan to have this chance to express his affection this way, to help this dear one he loves so very much. But also really, really nice sex, like that’s exactly what I’m here for, it’s so good for me. ✦ Four Letters, Starts With L by frodogenic, anakin & luke/mara, 3.2k    A fluffy oneshot set in the Limpet AU. A terrorist attack, a medcenter, and the unpredictable consequences of a certain four-letter word.    It would probably help to at least be familiar with the rest of this universe to understand the set-up, but other than that, this stands well on its own and it’s a fun read about Vader fussing over Luke and trying to deny his feelings, while also cat fighting with Mara. I really, really enjoyed Luke especially in this fic, he’s such a good person, but he’s not a pushover, that balance can be hard to strike sometimes, but it’s perfectly done here, and it’s so easy to see why these jaded, cynical, bitter people love him so much. And I really love this Luke/Mara dynamic, it’s so wonderfully them, even when it’s not really the point of this fic, and it was just an incredibly fun read! ✦ the sanctity of dreams by SpaceTimeSkywalker, obi-wan/anakin & bail, ~1k    Right before reaching Zigoola, Obi-Wan receives a transmission from home.    This was short, but a lovely little addition to the Wild Space book, where Anakin is a complete mess when he fears that Obi-Wan is going into danger and maybe won’t come back, where Obi-Wan remains strong for Anakin, because that’s what he needs, because that’s who Obi-Wan is, and it just slips between the pages of that book very nicely (though, you can read it without having read the book) and was a nice treat today! ✦ closing in by SpaceTimeSkywalker, obi-wan/anakin, 1k    Anakin and Obi-Wan were already long gone at that point, as their souls had perished together in the lava and amidst the acrid smoke; and all there was left was their shells, empty, remembering fragments of happier times that had long since passed.    A post-ROTS short fic that’s lovely and all about the hurt of how these two lives have crashed and burned. I don’t usually read “all hurt, no comfort” fics, but shorter ones I can handle and I do enjoy some good angst about how fucked up everything was by the end, especially if Vader’s just miserable about the wreckage of what he’d hoped for, because it’s really cathartic and heartbreaking when done right, like it was here. ✦ Helpless by DonkerRood, obi-wan/anakin, NSFW, bondage, d/s, 1.9k    Anakin finds himself helpless.    Oh, this was really, really lovely and such a good read for me, because it’s all about Anakin’s getting tied up and sinking into subspace, where all the noise in his head just goes away, where he doesn’t have to be anything he’s not, where he doesn’t have to many any decisions, where he’s utterly trusting in the hands that are holding him and can just let everything go. I would have picked this up for just the pretty sex, but I wound up loving this aspect of it just as much, that this is an Anakin who can find some quiet, this is an Anakin who is getting what he needs, this is an Anakin who can trust that Obi-Wan loves him and would never hurt him and so Anakin can turn over control to his Master. This is an Obi-Wan who is entirely focused on Anakin, on giving him what he needs, telling him what he needs to hear, being incredibly vigilant about how it’s going for Anakin, and why the d/s relationship works so well for them–because Obi-Wan wants to help Anakin and Anakin wants to have his head cleared out. That Anakin can push back initially, can go against the rules, can be demanding and greedy, can push his hips up for what he wants, knowing that he’s supposed to be still and quiet, and it leads to holding Anakin down so he can’t do more, which just leaves him feeling held and secure. But also, you know, Obi-Wan gently and surely opening Anakin up with his fingers, then sliding slowly into him, telling him how good he is, takes his time gently fucking Anakin until the pace builds and even then it’s unhurried, this will go on all night, and, yeah, okay, I was really very here for that as well. A straight shot at my id as always, but also what it says about Anakin’s character and the relationship between these two characters, all of that was so good. ✦ just a little bit by retts, obi-wan/anakin, 1.9k    Anakin took a deep breath and leaned into Obi-Wan’s space. Obi-Wan kept his ground and arched a brow at him. This was curious. 'I like being tied up,’ Anakin whispered conspiratorially. Obi-Wan blinked. 'I beg your pardon?’    This was adorably funny, as Anakin can’t stop telling Obi-Wan about his kinks (and, yes, yes, Anakin likes getting tied up and/or spanked and/or getting rimmed to hell and back, yes, he does) and Obi-Wan is just so entirely put-upon, like this is just another day of dealing with Anakin and he walks the line of handling this as well as anyone can versus not actually engaging with Anakin on this, in that way that’s so Obi-Wan, where he’s really more weak to that pouty look on Anakin’s face and worried about what’s going on with Anakin to be behaving so oddly like this and just some really cute, funny banter. I’m usually on the demi!Anakin train, but I will happily throw that out for Anakin being high as hell and unable to stop talking about his adorable kinks and for Obi-Wan’s delightful banter right back at him, while also obviously caring deeply about him. ✦ Young Lust by Writer_Markilyn, obi-wan/anakin & ahsoka, NSFW, modern au, 19.1k    Obi-Wan is only human, he sometimes forgot to turn off the stove, spent all his money on coffee, or even forget to change the oil in his car that now sounds like it’s going to explode when he turns it on. He ends up finding a mechanic shop that luckily isn’t too far from his home, and when he arrives, he lays eyes on a messy haired, oil streaked mechanic, with bewitching blue eyes, and it’s in that moment, Obi-Wan knows he’s a goner.    It took me a bit to get into the swing of this fic, but by the time Obi-Wan and Anakin were in a relationship, the fic hit my id right straight in the feelings and didn’t let up on it. It’s a fic that whole-heartedly embraces a lot of tropes of modern AUs, which I think helps to know ahead of time, it put me in the right mindset for the fic and by the halfway point, I was just having a ton of fun with it. That and the super, super ridiculously id-pleasing sex, so many times that Obi-Wan would either gently and teasingly open Anakin up slowly before fucking up or so many times that he’d flip him over and grab hold of him to fuck back into him again or he’d spread Anakin out over the table and wrap his legs around Obi-Wan and fuck him hard and fast right there and it was all so enthusiastic, like it was super hot already but then Anakin was just so happy to have Obi-Wan’s attention, to be filled up with him, to have everything else out of his head for awhile! I will always enjoy sex that makes me happy for both characters!    But, seriously, though, they had sex like five or six times in this fic and I’ve stillgot that image of Obi-Wan fucking Anakin on the table in my head. Or all the times that Obi-Wan almost finished in him, only to pull out and flip him over so that he could push back in harder, Anakin pushing back against him for more of it, his hands scrabbling for purchase anywhere he can get, a whine in the back of his throat for how much more he wants. Like, okay, give me a minute to recover after that! It’s also a fic that comes with a lot of the two of them just being instantly attracted to each other and the fun trope of bad communication that leads to a breakup and then reunion sex where Anakin’s not going to forgive him immediately, okay! Except he still really does want Obi-Wan to fuck him! And it’s just so damn much fun that I loved every minute of them both being totally over the moon for each other. It’s just a really pleasant, happy-making fic, sexy times, enthusiastic fic that was a solid length and was pretty much exactly what I wanted to read. ✦ slices by springsoldier (ladydaredevil), ahsoka/barriss & luminara & cast, modern au, pushing daisies au, 1.7k    In which Barriss bakes pies and wakes the dead and Ahsoka is her alive-again childhood sweetheart.    I didn’t mean to get sucked into this fic, I’m generally not at the place with Ahsoka/Barriss where I want modern AUs, but I was lured by the promise of Obianidala, and just… got swept up in this, which has really lovely writing and just does a great job with Barriss’ quiet yet intense personality, how she’s so withdrawn but feels things so intensely, and it somehow just really captured the atmosphere I want for these characters, both in her relationship with Ahsoka and Luminara. Plus, the Obi-Wan/Anakin/Padme stuff was cute and I’m glad to have found a fun little fic for one of my favorite f/f pairings! ✦ Tiny!Obi-Wan and the Red Man, Part 6 + Part 7 by phosphorescent-naidheachd, obi-wan & qui-gon & mace & cast, 2.2k wip    When an intruder with a red lightsaber invades the Temple creche, 6-year-old Obi-Wan Kenobi’s life is set on a new course. But taking a different fork on destiny’s path doesn’t necessarily alter your destination…    This is an update rec and you can follow the links for the previous parts and, oh, man, I really do enjoy this story! A lot of it is tension here, as they’re chasing after a kidnapped moppet!Obi-Wan but LET ME TELL YOU about how much I love moppet!Obi-Wan and how, even as a kid, he was getting tangled up in Sith plots and hijinks. I’m glad this is still being written and look forward to more! ✦ to be made right by SpaceTimeSkywalker, obi-wan/anakin & ahsoka & cast, 10.1k    Anakin is not angry; Obi-Wan is dead, and he feels hollow. Meanwhile, Obi-Wan realizes his mistakes, and Ahsoka is left to clean up the mess.    Oh, my god, this fic was one beautiful revelling in Anakin’s depression after Obi-Wan’s apparent death, how withdrawn and devastated he is, which appeals to me for the shipper feelings, of course, it was so good on that front, what it said about how desperately Anakin loved him, what it said about Anakin’s character and how emotionally unstablized he is by this (even more than he already was), and about Obi-Wan’s growing concern for Anakin when he doesn’t see him around during the undercover mission, how deeply worried he is, and how Anakin’s reactions (and sometimes lack of them) change the course of their relationship and possibly everything. I went into this fic for all the feelings it would give me about Anakin crying or sleeping in Obi-Wan’s bed or the other Jedi being worried about how deeply Obi-Wan’s loss affected him, but I got something that was even more satisfying than that.    And it’s really good-hearted and caring about the path it takes the characters on as well, it comes from such an obvious place of love. I hate when I have to bail out of a fic because it’s not how the characters themselves would act or because it gets too preachy or mean-spirited, but this one was really nicely considerate of the characters’ motivations and reasons, it had me believing that, yes, this is how the characters would act! When Obi-Wan comes back to Anakin, he realizes he made a mistake, but so much of the narrative is about Obi-Wan’s tendency to blame himself in ways that he’s not always a reliable narrator about, and there’s nothing but sympathy for everyone who’s in this shit war they’re all in, they love each other and that shines through here. And I loved it for that, but also that it’s used to bring things to a head in a better way than they did in canon, that it’s used to lance open a wound that was already festering, that it’s used to make certain things rear their head because they needed to be said here, not later, that they find their way back to each other in the way that they would. The final scene had me letting out this breathy, happy, satisfied sigh for how perfect it was, how things that didn’t matter were set aside, how of course Anakin would forgive him here, how it was just the right amount of apologizing versus confessions versus turning towards something better. It was so good for all of that.

#obi wan kenobi #anakin skywalker #obikin #ahsoka tano #fic recs #star wars fic recs

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New world news from Time: Putin Believes He’s Destined to Make Russia Great Again. And He’s Just Getting Started

A few weeks ago, one of the members of the Russian government turned to President Putin and asked, “Vladimir Vladimirovich, well, what will happen to me after March 18?” He asked his question in the presence of other ministers, and the upcoming elections were certainly on all their minds. They were all worried about whether they would keep their positions after the election. The rest, however, knew better than to say anything.

According to my sources, Putin smiled his usual sly smile and replied, “Well, why, even I do not know what will happen to me after March 18.” Everyone there understood that the minister had made a terrible mistake. You cannot publicly demonstrate weakness, and you cannot ask Putin about your future. Not that he would give a straight answer anyway.

Putin has always known what would happen to him after March 18; his re-election for a fourth term was a given. But in the months building up to the elections, the Russian political elite was in a state of tremendous stress, waiting in horror for the day of the presidential election—not because they had doubts about the result, but because they were terrified of what would come next. Even following the attack on former military intelligence agent Sergei Skripal, the ministers were not particularly afraid of potential conflict with the West. The fundamental changes to come were far more serious.

Under the current Russian constitution, this should be Putin’s last six-year term in office. But virtually nobody in the bureaucratic elite of Russia believes that Putin will step down in 2024. “There is a misconception that Putin is tired, needs rest and wants to live the life of a billionaire,” says a former minister who still has personal access to the president. “But Putin is far from being tired. He is interested in everything and digs into every matter, paying attention to all the details. This is his lifestyle, this is who he is. He can’t imagine life without power.”

From the moment of re-election, Putin will start devising a complicated scheme of ruling the country in the future. Perhaps that means finding a loophole in the constitution, or changing it, or building a new structure of the state. All sources speaking to TIME from Putin’s inner circle are certain—at least for now—that Putin will somehow remain in power.

The ruling bureaucracy understands this means an era of turbulence is coming. The question—as the outspoken minister put it—is what this means for the rest of us.

The emergence of a new tsar

Putin has changed considerably during his time in power. He never planned to remain in the president’s office forever. During his first term as president in 2000–2004, he considered refusing to run for re-election. As I reported in my book All the Kremlin’s Men, his friends were future oligarchs amassing great fortunes as businessmen,such as Yury Kovalchuk and Gennady Timchenko, or the heads of special services such as Director of the Federal Security Service Nikolai Patrushev. For them, Putin was the guarantor of omnipotence and they put tremendous pressure upon him at that time.

During his second term, he started to think about his contribution to history and how he would be remembered. In 2008, he yielded the presidential office to Dmitry Medvedev and became prime minister, exercising control from behind the scenes. But the experience rankled him—he was particularly annoyed by how Medvedev reacted to the Arab Spring protests in 2011.

The Arab Spring reminded Putin of the so-called “color revolutions” which took place in the former USSR republics in 2003–2005. Looking at what was happening with the weakened regime of Muammar Gaddafi, Putin believed that Russia should in no circumstances support the international operation against Libya, seeing it as part of a global conspiracy in which Russia would be the next target.

Sasha Mordovets—Getty ImagesA Russian soldier stands in front of poster with portraits of Russian President-elect Vladimir Putin and outgoing President Dmitry Medvedev during a rehearsal for the Victory Day parade near Moscow on April 4, 2012. The parade is dedicated to the anniversary of the Soviet victory over Nazi Germany in World War II.

But Medvedev backed the international operation in Libya, and declined to veto a U.N. Security Council vote authorizing it. To Putin, this illustrated how nobody could be trusted to run the country except him. He would return to the Kremlin in 2012.

From that moment on, Putin’s psychology underwent an irreversible transformation. He came to believe that he had been chosen for a special mission—to save Russia. This more than anything inspired the events of 2014, when he decided to annex the Crimean peninsula in response to a revolution in Ukraine that he believed to be part of a global anti-Russia conspiracy. The Western world reacted with dismay, and the U.S. and Europe imposed steep sanctions on Russia. But for many Russians the annexation of Crimea signified that Russia, for the first time after the dissolution of the Soviet Union, was once again a real superpower.

Ever since, making Russia great again has become a new ideology for Putin. State propaganda started to spread the idea that Putin is the only one who can restore the greatness of Russia. This concept was articulated in the most detailed way in the build-up to the presidential election, in a documentary broadcast on the state-owned TV channel Rossiya 1. The film, Valaam, about a once-neglected monastery that has been rebuilt since the collapse of the USSR with Putin’s support, conveyed the idea that Putin is a unique historical leader of Russia—able to unite fervent advocates of the Communist-era Soviet Union with those who dream of Russia’s pre-revolutionary empire, built on Orthodox Christianity.

In the most symbolic episode of the film, Putin says that there is almost no difference between the Orthodox Christianity and Communism, and that the Bolsheviks in fact reproduced the traditional dogmas that dominated the Russian Orthodox Church for centuries. He even compared the preserved corpse of Lenin, which lies in a mausoleum in Moscow’s Red Square, to the relics of the orthodox saints, demonstrating that he managed to overcome the longstanding division.

As his former propaganda chief, Vyacheslav Volodin, once put it: “Without Putin, there is no Russia.”

All the President’s men

Putin is preparing for a new era. In the past year, he has begun a process of clearing house. He has fired a number of older governors and installed young and little-known bureaucrats in their place. The most typical appointees of 2017 were the governors of Samara and Nizhny Novgorod. They are virtually indistinguishable, so much so that Russian media compare them to Agent Smith from The Matrix—the self-cloning agent of the all-powerful central computer.

These Agent Smiths represent an archetype of Putin’s new staff. They all are roughly the same age, 40 years old or a little younger; they don’t have any particular political beliefs or opinions; they are merely “technocrats” personally loyal to Putin. The president is slowly building a new generation of Russian bureaucrats in his own image. He too was once a faceless official with no ambition—until he was eventually appointed prime minister and stepped into the role of president after Boris Yeltsin’s abrupt resignation.

However, Putin’s entourage also includes true believers, so-called “orthodox Chekists” who—again like Putin—came from the KGB and built their careers under Brezhnev. Among them are Igor Sechin, chief executive of the Rosneft energy company and considered the leader of this group, and the governor of Saint Petersburg Georgy Poltavchenko.

By and large, these figures never believed in Communism, but have now come to believe in God. And if Russia is God’s chosen nation, it follows that Putin is God’s chosen leader. The president himself naturally subscribes to this view.

Together, the new technocrats and older Chekists present an existential challenge to the Russian political elite. It may surprise some, but the upper ranks of Russian politics are filled with what might be called “sleeping liberals.” These are people who came to prominence in the 1990s, during the presidency of Yeltsin. Many of them were members of the teams of democrats and reformers like former Prime Minister Yegor Gaidar or Anatoly Sobchak, one of the most prominent Russian democrats of the early 1990s. Almost all of these people are very wealthy. Their families own property abroad. They are either oligarchs themselves, or friends of oligarchs.

Many of them are convinced that Russia needs democracy, market economy, freedom of speech, fair elections and good relations with the West. They would of course never say that out loud, aware that it contradicts Putin’s stance. And while they remain silent, Putin’s coalition of young technocrats and orthodox Chekhists has been gathering enough power to keep the president in power for a generation still to come.

Members of this “sleeping” faction insist they are ready to wake up as soon as the right moment comes—but some say that time has come and gone. “It is strange that we haven’t even noticed the moment when we lost everything,” says one socially active Russian oligarch. “We didn’t start the fight for our beliefs when it was possible. Now we can do nothing. We can only watch silently as everything is falling apart.”

What Putin wants

You don’t have to look far to find evidence of what Putin will do with his next term in power. Two weeks before the presidential elections, he spoke about a new generation of Russian nuclear missiles that can overcome any kind of defense.

Ignoring tradition, the president made his address from the gigantic Moscow Manege conference center rather than the Kremlin so that Putin could proudly show his video presentation—an illustration with missiles flying toward the U.S.—to applause from Russian officials.

It was hailed around the world as a return to the Cold War, which was exactly Putin’s intention. Russia can’t pretend to be an economic superpower, but it has another asset: nuclear weapons. Putin believes there is no other way to make the West respect Russia.

From his point of view, he exhausted all the possible methods of establishing friendly relationships with Western leaders during the first 15 years of his rule—and still didn’t win their respect. He hoped that George W. Bush, Tony Blair and their successors would consider him their equal. Putin felt insulted by Bush’s attitude toward Russia, feeling he treated it as a ‘big Finland’—or as a large, but secondary European country. A return to the rhetoric of the Cold War is an opportunity to have a completely different dialog, he believes. The Americans will respect him as they did Brezhnev, and other Soviet leaders.

At the same time, Putin also hopes that the relations with the West will improve. Putin doesn’t dream of world war. He dreams of the new Yalta Conference, the peace conference that took place in Crimea in 1944 and brought Stalin, Roosevelt and Churchill together. Back then the leaders of the countries that won World War II divided the world into zones of influence. Putin wants new zones of influence and new clear rules of the game. He wants the West to admit that territory that once belonged to the USSR (probably including nearby countries) should be areas of Russian responsibility. He wants to get guarantees and suitable honors.

Western leaders like Chancellor Angela Merkel and former President Barack Obama have argued that these spheres of influence no longer exist in the modern world. Putin rejects that as hypocrisy. He just needs Western leaders who are more ready to negotiate.

Yuri Kadobnov—AFP/Getty ImagesSupporters of Russian President Vladimir Putin gather for a rally to celebrate the fourth anniversary of Russia’s annexation of Crimea at Sevastopol’s Nakhimov Square on March 14, 2018.

Putin wants to look like a peacemaker. To do that, he’ll have to look beyond Syria. Nobody in the Kremlin believes that the U.S. will agree to have a large-scale conference about resolving Syria and be ready to meet Putin’s conditions. But his administration is ready to set other tasks for itself, closer to home.

During Putin’s next term he is prepared to resolve the problem of the Donbas, the area of Eastern Ukraine where Russia’s army has fueled a civil war since 2014. Sources in the Russian Foreign Ministry tell TIME that Putin is ready to make Eastern Ukraine an area controlled by an interim international administration—as was the case in Bosnia and Herzegovina, or Kosovo.

However, he is not ready to make concessions on the Crimean issue. “It’s only fair,” Putin responds to all foreign partners when they ask about Crimea. As far as he is concerned, the population of Crimea is satisfied with the annexation by the Russian Federation, and that means that justice has been served. Nothing needs to change.

“It’s only fair” has become Putin’s new maxim. Ten years ago, Putin would brag that he is a lawyer by training, insisting that an unconditional adherence to the letter of the law is paramount to him. He didn’t change the Russian constitution in order to be elected for a third term, yielding the presidential office to another lawyer, Medvedev, before returning to the presidential office himself. After annexing Crimea, Putin assured in a TV interview that everything was done “by the book.”

But now, Putin has changed. What he perceives as “justice” seems more important for him than the law—and that means that he can change any laws if he considers the outcome to be fair.

How exactly Putin might remain in power is not yet clear. He has six more years to do that and will not start putting any plans into action immediately—at least not until after the World Cup, which Russia is hosting this summer. And he would not hurry to share his plan with his entourage; rather, he likes surprises so the later everybody finds out, the better.

But there is no doubt that he will find a way to stay in control; he thinks it’s only fair. And time at least is on his side. In 2024, when his fourth term ends, Putin will be 72 years old. That’s the same age Donald Trump will reach this year.

Mikhail Zygar is a journalist and writer who was editor-in-chief of Dozhd, Russia’s only independent news channel. His books include All the Kremlin’s Men (2015) and The Empire Must Die (2017).

March 19, 2018 at 03:33PM ClusterAssets Inc., https://ClusterAssets.wordpress.com

#Time #world #news #ClusterAssets #ClusterAsset #Cluster Asset Inc. #ClusterAssets Inc.