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supercasey · 4 years

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TF2 RED Headcanons by an idiot that can’t pay attention well enough to read the comics

Back on my bullshit, because I apparently can’t shut up tonight. This is gonna be a big, possibly in-cohesive mess, and will probably have more focus on Scout, Pyro, Sniper, and Spy since they’re my favs, but I still felt like writing down all my dumb headcanons/ideas regarding everyone’s favorite mercenaries (at the moment at least; I might make another post like this later on, hopefully after I’ve read the comics)! Sorry if any of these seem OOC, I’m just goofin’! (Putting this under a readmore because WOW this got LONG)

Every Sunday afternoon, Scout, Pyro, and eventually Sniper when he tells everyone that he's a trans guy, hold a makeshift “Trans Buddy Club” meeting, which mostly consists of Scout mindlessly rambling about drama on base, Pyro nodding along, and Sniper occasionally adding his two cents/spilling tea as well.

Scout can speak fluent French, on account of his mom making sure to teach it to him so he could have more of a connection to his dad, but no one found out until a little after Spy told Scout he was his dad. It wasn’t long after this that Scout revealed that this entire time, he’s known every single thing that Spy's ever said to him in French, but he didn't say anything because he thought it would be funny to keep the ruse going (also because he really liked being praised in secret). Cue Spy freaking tf out because oh no, now his kid knows that he's secretly a huge softie for not only his son, but his whole team.

Sometimes Spy and Scout talk shit in French right there in front of the team, but no one has any fucking idea what they’re saying and to be honest it’s pissing Soldier off the most, much to the father and son duo’s amusement.

Pyro secretly has a little black rabbit named Lucifer (Lucy for short) in their bedroom, which they only take out to get some fresh air and hop around very early in the morning, before anyone else is awake. The only people who know are Medic, Spy, and surprisingly enough Soldier, whose raccoons became friends with Lucy.

Sniper has a goldfish in his RV, but it died three months after he joined the team; he has no idea though because Miss Pauling replaces it every time one passes away, so now Sniper is convinced he has the world’s oldest goldfish.

Scout and Soldier both really want a dog, but they're not allowed to have one on-base. :(

((Heavy plans on sneaking a dog in next Christmas and no one can stop him. It’s gonna be a Border Collie named Bandit, and it gets the most attached to Scout and Heavy.))

Demo is no longer allowed to make mixed drinks for parties; the last time he did, he got everyone so shitfaced that they had to cancel work for three days in a row in order to recover from it.

Continuing off of that: drunk headcanons.

Demoman: Unassuming drunk. Acts like he usually does, unless he’s gotten particularly shitfaced for a party/event, in which case he’ll be slurring so bad that no one can understand him anymore.

Pyro: Giggly drunk. Is just laughing the whole fucking night at nothing in particular, which scares anyone who’s still sober. If they’re too far gone, they’ll start mumbling something that sounds like it’s in Spanish.

Spy: Party drunk. An absolute fucking mess, he’s trying to impress everyone and keep their attention on him, which usually leads to him standing on tables and dancing until he falls and passes out.

Sniper: Sleepy drunk. Out like a fucking light at the slighest bit of alcohol. If he wakes up and keeps drinking though, he’ll just be slurring like Demo, only with a lot more anger in his voice. Let him sleep, or he’ll fucking stab you to death.

Scout: Clumsy drunk. Bumps into anything and everything; eventually has to be given a sippy cup for his alcohol because he dropped three glasses in a row. Talks even faster than usual, until he accidentally fucking pukes on someone.

Soldier: Calm drunk. Instead of getting loud and aggressive like most would think/fear, he’s just… chillin'. Just watches the shitshow as it happens, not even laughing when people get hurt/fall down. Kinda terrifying if we’re being honest here.

Engineer: Depressed drunk. His depression goes through the roof if he has too much, so he doesn't drink more than a few beers if he can help it. If he does accidentally drink too much, he'll be sobbing his eyes out in no time flat.

Heavy: Cuddly drunk. It’s very, very hard to get him drunk, since he’s really good at holding his liquor, but if you do, he’s gonna be hugging and carrying everyone he can get his hands on; you can expect him to have Medic and/or Pyro on his lap once he’s drunk enough.

Medic: Angry drunk. He wants to start fights with fucking everyone, all his rage coming out once he’s had a few too many; god help anyone who tries to stop him. Luckily for all involved, Heavy is more than capable of holding him still until he tires himself out.

BONUS Miss Pauling: Dumbass drunk. With too many bottles in her, she’s gonna be the one shouting and encouraging Spy to act reckless, while also encouraging Engie to drink more because quitting is for losers. Will pass out within an hour or so of downing her first drink.

BONUS The Administrator: Stereotypical drunk. Slurring, stumbling, she’s got the whole nine yards, but she’ll be damned before she let’s anyone see her that messed up. Secretly sips wine at work.

Okay, back to my rambling.

My personal headcanon names and ages for Scout’s older brothers, going from oldest to youngest: Grant 34, Timothy 32, Jacob 31, Arthur 31, Patrick 30, Malcolm 27, Curtis 26, and Jeremy (Scout) 23.

((Also, I’mma go off on my headcanon personalities for them, which are based off of how I’ve tried portraying them in my "Jeremy" fic.))

Grant - 34 years old - Bisexual - Occupation: Veteran/Construction worker - Personality: the oldest of the bunch, he takes it upon himself to keep his little brothers in line/help Ma out as much as he can. Enlisted in the Air Force after he graduated high school, and still takes a lot of pride in his veteran status after serving overseas three separate times. The family peacemaker.

Timothy - 32 years old - Homosexual - Occuptaion: Cartoonist - Personality: the gentlest of his brothers, he often gets roped into helping Grant keep the pack from running too wild. Bit of a softie; loves his husband and loves his job. Closest relationship is with Scout. Doesn’t approve of Scout being a merc but is too scared to say so. The family heart.

Jacob - 31 years old - Heterosexual - Occupation: Freelance guitarist - Personality: the firstborn of the only set of twins, Jacob is a lot more abrasive and instigating than his twin brother. Can’t grow a beard for shit, which pisses him off. Doesn’t get along well with Timmy, despite them both being talented and devoted artists. The family sword.

Arthur - 31 years old - Pansexual - Occupation: Carpenter - Personality: the second born of the only set of twins, Arthur is far more outgoing and nonchalant than his twin brother. Has a beard and loves it more than life. Secretly has a boyfriend, but is too nervous to come out. Gets along better with Jacob after they’ve become adults. The family shield.

Patrick - 30 years old - Heterosexual - Occupation: Hairdresser - Personality: probably the least social of all of the brothers, he prefers staying out of sight and out of mind tbh. Used to practice cutting everyone’s hair when they were kids. Doesn’t talk to his brothers that much, mostly due to being busy/forgetting to call more. The family shadow.

Malcolm - 27 years old - Heteromantic Asexual - Occupation: Wrestler - Personality: the most aggressive and physically competitive of his brothers, there’s nothing he won’t do to win a fight, save for using weapons/lethal force. Hard to get along with, but he still loves his brothers to bits, and was overprotective of Scout when they were younger. The family instigator.

Curtis - 26 years old - Heterosexual - Occupation: Bartender - Personality: was a total fucking mama’s boy growing up, and constantly got in trouble with his brothers for tattling on them. Still argues with Scout every time they see each other. Wants to make Ma proud, but it’s hard for him to keep a job for very long. The family drifter.

Jeremy - 23 years old - Transmale Pansexual - Occupation: Mercenary - Personality: (This is mostly for how he was as a kid) was constantly following his brothers around (especially Malcolm) in hopes of getting in on the fun. Was always treated as the family baby, so everyone was a bit scared to wrestle/fight with him for fear of getting him hurt. Very close to Timmy and Ma. The family runt.

No one on RED team can fucking drive well, save for MAYBE Sniper, but even he hates doing it. Spy gets so goddamn mad within two seconds of driving, Pyro can't stop swerving, Scout drives like a 16 year old who hasn't realized their own mortality yet, Medic jumps at every little inconsistency on the road, Heavy shouts at other drivers for being too slow/fast, Demo's depth perception is shit, Engie drives like a 90 year old grandmother, and Soldier is fine except he will literally shoot at other drivers for tailgating him/cutting him off.

The whole team has designated “Team Bonding Days” thanks to Miss Pauling, which involves playing board games, card games, and video games (in a slightly more modernized AU) together… this, of course, goes badly sometimes. The worst incident they ever had was a bad game of Monopoly that almost ended Heavy and Medic's friendship.

Uno is forever banned from Team Bonding Days. No explanation is needed.

Off the battlefield and in the base, Miss Pauling had the team set up a chore wheel, which is only occasionally followed. Engie is the most dedicated to following it, while Demo and Sniper try everything in their power to avoid cleaning the base.

Spy sometimes disguises himself as other teammates in order to get out of doing his chores, which has led to a lot of shouting matches that ended in Spy being forced to admit it was his fault.

Spy's favorite teammates to disguise himself as are Engie and Scout. He likes being Engie because he gets to be more affectionate with people without being found out, and he can act as Scout incredibly easily due to knowing him so well (tbh he's so good at masquerading as Scout that it's scary).

For Halloween, everyone put their names in Soldier's hat, then proceeded to pull out other teammates’ names to dress up as for their Halloween party. I dunno exactly who would be who, except that Scout traded around to get Spy, steals one of Spy's suits, and just goes around the party bonking people with a plastic baguette he bought online and speaking in a purposefully bad accent.

Spy: Mon fils, you can speak perfect French and you fucking know it. Please stop making a fool of ton père.

Scout: Hohoho, wee wee, I am a fucking frog that gets pegged by baguettes, hoho!

((Spy is this fucking close to committing filicide.))

Everyone can actually cook pretty well, but only very specific things for each merc: Demo can mix and blend drinks (not just alcoholic ones) like it's nothing, Pyro and Heavy like baking, Medic can barbecue anything, Scout knows how to make a lot of shit from scratch (thanks, Ma), Spy and Engie can grill like the true dads they are, Soldier will deep fry every piece of food he eats, and Sniper makes the best soups and stews imaginable.

In order of least to most messy bedrooms: Spy, Heavy, Engie, Sniper, Pyro, Demoman, Medic, Scout, and Soldier. You'd think Scout's would be the worst, but Soldier's room looks like a literal fucking war-zone.

Even when they're not working but get injured in some way (namely from shenanigans/horseplay), people will straight up kill themselves in order to respawn without the injury. The pettiest thing anyone ever respawned off-duty for was Medic suiciding over a tiny ass paper cut.

Demoman is scarily competent at the weirdest of times. For instance, Engie was once trying to figure out how to fix an issue on one of his turrets, only for Demo to stumble over, completely shitfaced, and point out the problem as well as the solution, before passing out under Engie's worktable. Demo doesn't remember this at all.

The first time Engie swore in front of the team in excess (due to dropping a hammer on his foot while he was tinkering), everyone was absolutely horrified because they had only ever heard him say “fiddlesticks” and the like.

Medic's room may not be the messiest, but goddamn is his office a fucking bomb waiting to go off 90% of the time. No one but Medic can find anything in the mess, which is just fine by him.

Heavy likes to sing (mostly just to Sasha) when he's cleaning her in the locker room. The others try to be within hearing range when he does this, because holy fuck, Heavy is a very good singer! He mostly just sings soft songs/lullabies, so his singing is sometimes used by the team insomniacs to help them get some much needed rest.

Okay, another group one. The mercs during shopping trips together:

Demoman: Sneaks a shit ton of alcohol into the cart when no one's looking. Starts complaining if he has to be at the store for too long; will try and sneak away to go home at least once during the trip. Accidentally bumps into a display case and makes a huge fucking mess.

Pyro: Sits obediently in the cart the whole time, occasionally nabbing candy and stuffed animals off of nearby shelves. Will puppy-dog eyes their way into getting everything they grabbed, no matter how much it is.

Spy: Somehow managed to steal an employee uniform and he pretends to work at the store the whole trip; the other mercs keep accidentally falling for it and asking for his help. This all goes to shit when a Karen starts shouting at him over something he didn't do, and he straight up slaps her.

Sniper: King of forgetting wtf was on the list and just grabs shit on the grounds of “Doc said we needed milk, right?” and other such excuses. Knows where everything is despite never having come here before.

Scout: “Gimme the list, I can get everythin' in, like, ten minutes!” Wants to speedrun grocery shopping due to years of shopping with his mom and brothers. Will run loose if left unsupervised and accidentally bust ass on some spilled milk.

Soldier: The one who spilled the milk that Scout busts his ass on. Insists he knows where he's going, but doesn't. Gets into a fistfight with a soccer mom while everyone's waiting to check out; the soccer mom won.

Engineer: Has a full, printed list of everything the team needs, which is organized by aisle number. Is the one who gives into Pyro's begging. Team Dad; keeps an eye on everyone and stops the soccer mom from murdering Soldier.

Heavy: Pushes the cart the entire time. Spends way too money on stuff in the protein shake aisle. At one point runs the cart down the aisle and let's go because Pyro wanted him to, and it ends up crashing into Demo.

Medic: Argues with the pharmacists at the pharmacy counter. Got lost with Soldier until they found Scout unconscious, so he had to perform CPR in the dairy aisle and a fucking paramedic criticized him the whole time; the paramedic hasn't been seen since.

BONUS Miss Pauling: Tries to more or less chaperone this shitshow of a shopping trip. Starts out cheerful and happy, ends up threatening to put child leashes on every last one of these dumbasses.

After Spy taught him how to dance in Expiration Date, Scout goes to him occasionally for advice, such as how to change a tire, how to cook certain things, how tf to do laundry, etc. Spy secretly loves that Scout does this, and tries to help him as much as he can.

Everyone on the team has called Engie “Dad” at least once, even Spy and Medic. No one comments on it.

Medic has been known to go on hour long tirades about anti-vaxxers, with Engie sometimes joining in.

Heavy buys Pyro stuffed animals during his trips to visit his family, which has started a tradition of everyone buying Pyro stuffed animals/toys when they go somewhere without them. Pyro's room is starting to look like a preschooler’s dream bedroom.

Scout calls his mom every other Friday, and he’ll occasionally let his teammates talk to her. Soldier always goes on and on about how good a soldier Scout has been (Scout cries like a baby), Medic tells her about Scout’s latest injuries (Scout damn near chokes him over it), Sniper is just glad to talk to a mom who won’t scold him for the whole phone call, Pyro hums music while Scout’s Ma sings the lyrics for them, Heavy talks about living in huge families with her, Demo asks her how she’s doing and if he can help her out at all, Engie is polite and also praises Scout, and Spy just tells her he’ll call her later before hanging up (Scout punches him for being rude to his mama).

Spy calls Scout's mom on the Fridays that Scout doesn't, mostly to check on her and sometimes to get into some, uh, “steamy” conversations over the phone. Sniper overheard a conversation between them once and now he can't look Scout or Spy in the eyes anymore.

And that's all I've got for right now! I hope you all liked my stupid headcanons!

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msilet · 6 years

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Hello, Beloved Husband

Note: The Merlahad fake-marriage trope no one asked for with a twist. Ok, I asked for it but I did not want to burden anyone with more work so I wrote it myself.

Summary: Harry and Eggsy finally find Merlin lying in a coma in Thailand. Harry uses his marital status with Merlin to gain visiting right.

Ship: Harry Hart/Merlin

Chapter: 1 / 3

Link to AO3 if someone prefers to read it there: http://archiveofourown.org/works/12853176

Chapter 2: http://msilet.tumblr.com/post/168097068545/hello-beloved-husband-23

Chapter 3: http://msilet.tumblr.com/post/168964840325/hello-beloved-husband-33

Story under cut to save people’s scrolling fingers:

Present day

It has been 6 months since the fall of Poppy and Kingsman is slowly but surely recovering. They have lost a lot of agents and staffs but there are still quite a few loyal employees that showed up when contacted. Today, Eggsy and Harry are on an airplane to Thailand to hopefully recover another, if Whiskey's information is correct. She called Kingsman HQ just 6 hours before, informing them of a John Doe patient lying in a Thai hospital that was flown in from Cambodia by a team tasked with cleaning up Poppy's mess. No one thought to inform either Statesman or Kingsman up until now.

Despite his hope, Eggsy is a little worried. They have no cover story made up, they aren't even sure if that is the right person, they hopped on a plane immediately after the phone call, abandoning all plans for the day. He voices his concern to Harry. "How can we know if it is Merlin? We can't just barge in there and demand to see a guy we have no relation to."

Harry smirks, sipping his martini, "Don't worry, my boy. I have my ways."

As it turns out, Harry's way is actually barging in and demanding to see the patient, with a twist. "I have received news of a mystery patient and I demand to see if he is my husband! He has been missing for months, I have been looking everywhere for him and I refuse to be separated from him a moment longer!", Harry says loudly to the receptionist, voice full of command. This is a voice that brooks no argument.

Eggsy is shocked. Harry and Merlin, married? When and why and how and many other questions pop up in Eggsy's head so quickly he almost gets dizzy but thanks to his Kingsman training he manages to keep a nonchalant façade. Harry produces a paper proving their marital status and a picture of Merlin to show to the receptionist.

After a short waiting period, a doctor comes out to greet them, showing Harry (and Eggsy manages to get a look, he isn't Kingsman for nothing) the picture and files of the man. It is Merlin, alright, albeit thinner, most of his head covered in bandages and with his eyes closed. The doctor tells them that the patient has sustained serious injuries to his head and upper body. He has also lost both of his legs, one of them to his knee and the other to his thigh. He also confirms that Merlin has been in a coma ever since he was brought in. Eggsy can see that despite Harry's calmness in his voice and manner toward the doctor, he is tense. His left hand is balled into a tight fist at his side and his posture is even straighter than possible. The doctor gives them clearance to go see Merlin.

They arrive at his room and Harry's pretence drops. One look at Merlin lying there in bandages, hooking up to different machines he was in tears. He stands there motionless, staring at Merlin until Eggsy brings over a chair next to the bed and tells him to sit down. Eggsy looks at Merlin, feeling both relief that he is alive and sadness over the fact that Merlin suffered all this to protect him and Harry. They have him back now and Eggsy is willing to fight anyone who dares to even think about hurting him.

Eggsy waits until Harry has collected himself and asks "Are you and Merlin really married? Why have you guys never told me before?"

"We have a civil partnership on paper, Eggsy. We wanted to be prepared for situations such as this or when we die suddenly, like Kentucky, so we signed a document when it became legal."

"So...no grand secret romance, no romantic proposal?"

"No, Eggsy.", Harry smiled uneasily.

"What a disappointment! And there I was trying to find a meaning behind all your interactions on the way here!"

"Eggsy, what's important right now is that we found Merlin. We have to assess his situation and find the best way to help his recovery, be it letting him stay here or air-lifting him back to the UK.", Harry deflects.

Eggsy looks at Harry, not fully buying it but letting it slide. "How about you sit here with Merlin and I run out to send his medical files back to HQ? That way we can have our people look over and give us the best advice, yeah?"

"That sounds like a splendid idea, Eggsy. Thank you!"

After Eggsy leaves the room, Harry looks up into Merlin's face and says "Hello, beloved husband.", he pauses, then smiles sadly, "You always hated it when I called you that, didn't you? Always told me to stop joking and be professional."

Early December, 2005

Merlin looked up from his workbench as the door to his office opened and closed. As expected, Harry walked in looking way too cheerful for this early morning. No one else dared walking into his office without knocking first, knowing full well that he totally would shoot intruders when in a bad mood.

"Hello Galahad, what can I do for you today?"

"Merlin, I have been thinking and I just came up with the most brilliant idea!" Harry gave off the impression of a cat that got the cream.

"That doesn't sound good."

"Oh come on, you and I both know I am as smart as you are. My ideas are often marvellous!"

"Or disastrous." At Harry's scandalised look, Merlin faked a sigh and continued. "Fine, do tell me your brilliant idea."

"We should get married!", Harry exclaimed.

"Excuse me, what?". If Merlin was drinking tea, he would have spat it out comically like in those old cartoons.

"It's a great idea, Merlin!"

"It might be great on some other planets, Harry, but your weak point here is that this is Earth."

"No, no, listen to me!". At Merlin's nod, Harry continued, "When we have entered a civil partnership, in case one of us, probably me, ever ends up at a hospital in the middle of nowhere, the other can have the right to visit and make decisions. If one of us dies, the other can take care so that our earthly possessions are not going to the wrong hands at the risk of exposing Kingsman!"

"Hmm, that makes sense. But why me?" Merlin asked, still not fully buying Harry's idea.

"Merlin, we are friends. Let me be honest, you are my closest friend, the only person I trust." Harry caught also with a lot of benefits before it flew out of his mouth. "You know my medical records better than me knowing the palm of my left hand, you know what I love and hate, you probably know more about whatever relatives I have better than I do." Seeing that Merlin was going to start talking, Harry raised his hand up to signify that he was not done and continued. "I know a lot about you too, maybe not as much as you do me, but you can trust me to follow whatever order you give me, I have been doing it for the last 20 or so years. I'd know I'd rather entrust the Hart properties to you and your judgement than whatever arse of a cousin I've never met. I hope you feel the same with me."

Merlin sat there, speechless for a few moments while Harry got more and more nervous.

"Alright, you don't like this idea. I'm sorry I brought it up. Let's forget all of this.", Harry said quickly and looked for an excuse to bolt.

Merlin started laughing, at first just a few chuckles and then it grew to full belly laughs. Harry's expression went from nervous to confused to hurt and angry. He snapped, "You don't have to laugh at me like that, you bastard."

Merlin saw how upset Harry was and he stopped laughing immediately. He stood up quickly and walked over to Harry, putting a hand on one of Harry's elbows. "Harry! Harry, I'm sorry. I was not laughing at you or the speech you made. You looked like a deer in the headlights and I found it amusing. I have never seen you looking like that. Please."

Harry's anger dissipated and he relaxed visibly at Merlin's touch. "So, you don't hate the idea?"

"I think it actually has merits and I am honoured, Harry. I certainly would rather my collection of first edition sci-fi and fantasy books as well as my top secret blueprints to go to you than a drunk distant relative who can't comprehend them. If you are sure about this, Harry, then I agree to this arrangement. We will have to convince Arthur, however." Merlin said, looking a bit shy and nervous. If you looked closely you could see him blush but he would deny it on the pain of death.

"Just say that it's for the sake of Kingsman and even that old backward arse can't say no." Harry smile was so radiant Merlin thought he would be willing to die to keep Harry smiling like that.

Present day

"That certainly was not a romantic proposal.", Harry says to the still form of Merlin. "I should have gotten down on my knee and asked you. I was so afraid you would say no and ended our friendship, I couldn't bear it. That idea came to me the moment they said civil partnership was going to be legalised yet I spent weeks fretting over what I should say, how I should convince you to marry me without sounding desperate."

Harry pauses, picking up Merlin's left hand and hold it in both of his. "Do you know I even bought you a ring? I never gave it to you. I should have. I had it on me the day we got married too. What a grand wedding we had, didn't we?"

Flashback to December 21st, 2005

"Do we really have to do it today of all days?", Merlin complained while trying to navigate through the sea of people. He visibly showed his annoyance towards some slightly drunk, overjoyed couples slamming onto him. If those drunkards spill their beer on his newly pressed bespoke suits he would rain fire and fury upon them.

"Hamish, why do you look so grumpy on our wedding day? Cheer up!". Harry being his bright merry self did not do anything to make Merlin feel better. The tiny, dreary registration office reception was overflowed with people. There were people both queueing and celebrating outside as well. He longed to be back in his quiet office, typing away on his trusty computer. He mumbled, "we could have just waited until after new year, hell, we could have just waited until tomorrow and it would not have been as crowded as this."

"My dear, where is your sense of solidarity, of adventure, of pride? Today is the first day civil partnerships are legal in England. We went from being prosecuted to being able to be legally in a relationship with the ones we love in under 40 years. This is great, I wouldn't want to miss it for the world!"

Merlin concurred that in a way, Harry was right. He just could not roll over and admit defeat. "Excuse me as I have spent all my sense of adventure following you from one bad decision to another year after year."

Harry did not take the bait. He just turned toward Merlin and smiled tenderly. "Then I hope this will not be another bad decision that disappoints you."

That was it. He was defeated. Harry could tell him to do anything at that moment and he would gladly do it, let alone marrying the man he has been in love with for years. Granted, it was a fake marriage but he'd take what he could get.

"Imagine if my father was alive to see this. He would be livid!", Harry said after waiting in line for a while.

"Your father would have been more upset about you marry a penniless, working class, plain Scot than about you marrying a man.", Merlin chuckled.

Harry pretended to be upset. "Excuse me but you don't get to talk about my future husband that way, mister. I'll have you know that he is a perfectly respectable inventor working for a reputable tailor on a good salary that can provide for me and all my needs. Furthermore, he is the most handsome Scotsman I have ever met!"

Merlin blushed for real. He tried to cover up his embarrassment. "Flattering me will get you nowhere, Harry. I've already agreed to marry you." At Harry's grin, he started grinning too. "Honestly, a Scot, a proletarian, a man. Your father would have had a heart attack."

"Good that he is already dead then.", Harry said, seriously.

"Harry!", Merlin admonished him but dropped the matter.

They moved slowly as the queue in front of them became shorter and shorter. Merlin pretended he did not feel Harry's hand on his lower back the whole walk into the office. After they signed the document, Harry actually pulled him in and kissed him as per tradition. That was the happiest day of Merlin's life.

Present day

"It was the happiest day of my life, Hamish.", Harry says, sniffling. "I am not even talking about the unplanned wedding night after the drunk pub fight we started because someone insulted us. It was the best sex I've ever had, granted, but even without it I would have been satisfied." He pauses for a while. "I should have."

"But I am not, Hamish. For the last 10 years, I kept wondering what would it be like if it was real. I wanted to hold your hand in public, I wanted to tell you how much I love you every morning and every night. I wanted us to live together, have a few dogs, your books and clothes mixed with mine. I wanted so bad but I did nothing about it."

"How could you bear it, Hamish? Did those 2 years I when I was missing hurt you the way the last 6 months hurt me? Did you even care? Why did you say nothing when I told Eggsy I had no one? I said it because I was afraid you'd hear that all my regrets were about you. Not a single night after I could sleep without dreaming of you. Every day I kept hoping, praying that I'd find you because we never found your body, yet every night I heard you blaming me for not being able to save you. I was this close to going mad."

"Now I have found you. Please, come back to me. I promise to get down on one knee and propose properly this time, with a ring too, the one I should have given you back then. We can actually get married now, Hamish, not a mere civil partnership anymore. I promise to be the best husband you can ask for. If you don't want to marry me and laugh at my face, that is fine too." Harry hesitates, "Well, it...it is actually not fine, it will break my heart but I will bear it because you come back, so please, do me one more favour this time." Harry drops his head down to where his hands are holding Merlin, close his eye and just let the tears flow.

Outside, Eggsy was crying too. He did not mean to pry but he wanted to keep an eye on Harry, for the man was looking close to a nervous breakdown. Now, however, he will run as fast as he can to send those files to HQ. They will bring Merlin back and they will fix him. For both Merlin and Harry's sake.

Footnote: I'm so sorry, I tripped and fell face first onto my keyboards, the result was this angst. But don't worry, in my head, Merlin totally found those rings in Harry's safe when he was missing and he will totally say yes WHEN he wakes up. THERE IS NO ANGST THERE IS ONLY FLUFF.

Also: They totally ruined Merlin's suits. How they did it is totally up to you.

PS: Ok ok I just can’t be a villain. 2 more chapters are coming!

#kingsman #merlahad #kingsman fanfic #merlahad fanfic #harry hart #merlin #fake marriage #I maed dis #my fic

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