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court-of-abs · 3 years

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Update on “Maybe Tomorrow” [Final Chapter; Chapter 17]

Hello, hello my ducklings.

It’s been nearly two years since I’ve last been on Tumblr and well over that time since I’ve written anything for my Elorcan fanfic “Maybe Tomorrow.” I actually just finished up reading a Court of Silver Flames and I remembered this page existed.

As you all might’ve guessed, I never did finish writing that last chapter, or the epilogue, even. And while I no longer intend to finish writing that last chapter now, I decided it would be fun to post what I had written so far as well as a bulleted list for the ideas I had for the epilogue. Please keep in mind two things: this was written over two years ago and I’m not letting myself attempt to edit it (although I did read through it quickly) and there is a potential trigger warning: this chapter covers themes of mental health, therapy, and topics related to it. I’ll also be adding this warning to the previous chapter, as I feel in hindsight I most definitely should’ve included it.

This community and these books were my everything in 2017-2018. I was going through a pretty tough time then, and I am so so happy to say I’m doing much better now despite everything going on in the world. I still keep up with each series to this day (I even cried the BIG tears when I finished Kingdom of Ash) and it will ALWAYS hold a special place in my heart.

Enjoy!! Let me know what you guys think <3 I miss and love you all, and I hope you’re doing well.

Naitivity. To herself, to her problems, to the pain flowing through her veins every step she took. That was why Saturday night had affected her so much.

In the almost nine years since their death, Elide had never acknowledged what had happened. She’d never grieved, barely faltered- she got away with it by not thinking about it, not talking about it. By not accepting the cards the fate had handed her, by turning a blind eye, it became so much easier to pretend it didn’t happen. It became so much easier to pretend she hadn’t changed.

Elide knew now that she wasn’t being strong for it. She was just being naive.

Elide wrapped her arms around herself and leaned forward to rest her head on the steering wheel of her car. She breathed, deeply, taking in the muffled sounds of students walking towards the front of the school- their voices, their laughter.

She smiled, then, thinking about what today was.

Then she frowned, thinking about what today was. The elections and then…

Another breath. In and out, just like the therapist had told her. Elide reached for her school books and swung open the door of her car, stepping out into the heat. She just needed to focus on today, just today.

And then, with the support of her friends, those that cared about her, she’d focus on the next. And the next, and the next…

Elide made it all of three steps away from her car when she ran into Aelin, Lysandra, and Manon standing by the rear of her car, their arms crossed and faces tight.

Elide swallowed and reached for the words she’d been saying over and over in her head for the last 24 hours. They were on the tip of her tongue-

“Manon!” Lysandra’s shout was cut off by Manon barrelling into Elide, pulling her into one of the most suffocating bear hugs she’d ever received. It was exactly what she needed.

“You scared the ever-living daylights out of us” she said into Elide’s hair.

Elide leaned her head on Manon’s shoulder. “I know. I’m sorry.”

Manon shook her head, and Elide watched as Lysandra and Aelin took a few steps forward, readying to pull Manon away should Elide need them to.

“There’s no need to be sorry, but Jesus, Elide, you just… disappeared after Saturday night. No one could get in touch with you all of Sunday, not even Lorcan.” Elide froze at his name. She mumbled another “sorry” into Manon’s shoulder and gripped her harder so that she wouldn’t notice.

“All right, all right” Lysandra said as she gently pried Manon’s arms off of Elide. “Don’t smother her.”

Elide smiled at her. “It’s alright-” and then Lysandra was gripping her in another extremely tight bear hug.

“Hey!” Manon shouted, scowling at Lysandra.

“You had plenty of time with her, it’s my turn now.”

“I got less than a minute-”

“Ladies” Aelin said, stepping between them. “This is about Elide right now, not you.” Aelin stepped towards Lysandra and Lysandra took a step away.

“Don’t even try, Aelin. You’ll get your turn in a minute.” Elide giggled as Aelin sighed and took a step back.

Lysandra smoothed down the hair on top of her head and said, “Do you want to tell us what happened- after Saturday, I mean. It’s okay if you’re not ready.”

Elide smiled up at her, at all of them, and took a small step forward- Lysandra reluctantly loosened her grip.

“It’s true,” Elide swallowed, “what Maeve said about my parents. That’s all true.” She wrapped her arms around herself, tighter, remembering what Dr. Ren had told her.

“I’ve spent the last nine or so years of my life… in denial. My parents, when they died, they were all I had. I was horrible at making friends, and when Vernon became my guardian, well, you might imagine why he didn’t exactly give me someone to talk to. The SDD tried to get me to talk, to acknowledge what had happened. They worked tirelessly to try and convince my uncle that I needed therapy but my uncle doesn’t really believe in mental illness, of any sort, and I… it was just too much for me,” Elide tried to meet all of their eyes as she talked but the bareness of the moment forced her eyes down to the pavement, “I didn’t talk for almost an entire year after they died. I had no outlet for the pain,” her voice cracked on the word, “the utter pain I was going through. Eventually I learned it was easier to shove it all down. Everyone said that since I was young I would quickly get past it and I took that as meaning that I had to quickly get past it. And so I did everything you’re not supposed to do when trying to grieve about the death of your loved ones.”

Elide gestured a hand to all of them, “I pushed people away... and I let the mention of the most amazing parents in the world become a trigger for my concealed anxiety and grief. And after Saturday, I couldn’t push it all back down after Saturday. And so nine years of pent up… everything came tumbling out.”

None of them spoke for a moment.

Then: “You talked to one hell of a therapist yesterday, didn’t you,” Manon said.

Elide let out a nervous chuckle. “Yeah, he set me straight.” Elide said, tracing the lines on one of her textbooks.

“So you’re okay?” Lysandra asked, wrapping her arms tentatively around Elide.

“No” Elide said, “I’m actually far from it. But …” Elide cleared her throat and hastily brushed away a fallen tear. “That’s okay. I know that.”

“Good” Aelin said. She reached for Elide, then, waving off a pissed Lysandra. “We’re going to be right here while you get through all of it, Elide. Absolutely all of it.”

“Thank you” Elide said, gladly accepting her third bear hug of the day. “And I’m sorry about how I reacted on Saturday, it must have been so scary for all of you. I’m really, truly sorry-”

“Don’t apologize” Aelin said, smoothing down her hair. “You don’t need to. What Maeve did was the definition of malicious, and you didn’t hear it but everyone booed her off stage after Lorcan rushed you out of the room.”

“I’m surprised they didn’t disqualify her from the race after that,” Lysandra said, and then she grimaced. “Gods I can still remember the look on her face-”

“Lysandra” Manon warned, “we all know she’s a bitch, but we don’t need to debate how much of one she is right at this second.”

Lysandra looked down at her feet and mumbled, “Sorry.”

“It’s okay, really” Elide said. “I don’t mind talking about how much of a bitch she is at all.”

“Oh thank the gods” Lysandra sighed, rushing over to Elide and grasping her hand. “Let’s all go sit down somewhere and discuss this. It’s going to be a lengthy conversation- there is so much bitchy-ness about her that you don’t even know about it.”

“Are we really doing this?” Manon said, raising a single brow. “Doesn’t that make us a bit petty?” A snort from Lysandra.

They all turned to Aelin, but Aelin just shrugged. “What Elide says, goes.”

Manon’s jaw twitched and then she threw up her hands. “What the hell.”

Elide giggled as the four of them linked arms and walked towards the school together. Manon had been right- she had talked to one hell of a shrink yesterday. But she hadn’t just helped her sift through the memories, figure out how to deal with the pain.

Lysandra cackled at something Manon said, and Aelin smiled back at them, unrestrained.

No, she’d also helped her realize how amazing her friends were. And that was best part of all.

If he couldn’t find her before the end of the day- he didn’t know what he was going to do. He just had to talk to her. He just had to know if she was alright.

His feet pounded into the concrete of the school parking lot... (I’m sorry I stopped typing here)

Here’s how I originally outlined the chapter (you can see some changes for when I actually sat down and wrote it):

Chp 17 Summary

Monday morning- day of election results. Elide is a mess. She hasn’t talked to anyone since Saturday night: this includes Lorcan. At school she’s confronted by friends and they’re all worried about her. They make up- Elide opens up to them about it. Lorcan clears things up with Rowan in the parking lot, they walk towards the school together. Then Lorcan comes over and asks to speak with Elide alone- they talk, and Lorcan gives her a new backpack (green like the carpet in the library). Asks if she could take care of Hellas for him- she says yes. They walk into the school hand in hand, knowing what they are and what they could be would have to wait for now.

Chapter Specifics

Outside of School

Elide sitting in her car again, contemplating the weekend. Reflective of first chapter- when she’s sitting there, not sure how things are going to go.

Walks towards the school in a daze. Aelin & Co waiting for her a few feet from the school. Everyone is tentative but then Manon comes running over and gives Elide a hug. It’s just what she needs.

Elide says she’s sorry and opens up to them about her thought. They all just tell her it’s not her fault for any of it and they’re sorry that happened to her.

Lorcan & Rowan Meeting

Lorcan walking towards Elide when Rowan steps in front of him. The two tersely talk

Flashback scene of sorts about what Rowan did for him the night before (Cain trying to goad Lorcan into a fight of sorts and Rowan stepping in)

at the end of it the two shake hands and are on good terms again.

Lorcan walks over to Elide and asks to speak with her alone. Bell rings for class to start but Lorcan leads them down a trail to talk.

He’s awkward until Elide leans up and kisses him. She tells him thank you

He gives her the backpack. Elide opens it up to find a copy of A Court of Wings and Ruin, and the picture of her parents protruding from it.

Lorcan says he wishes he could have made her happy like that. Elide says he did. In the short time they had, he did.

Lorcan asks her to take care of Hellas. She says of course.

Elide leans up and kisses him again and says that she’ll always care about him. And maybe in the future they’ll be something (make sure you don’t rush this!!)

Lorcan starts stuttering and Elide shakes her head. She explains that as much as she cares about him, she knows how much the long distance thing will wear down on them- and that he needs to be his own person when he comes back to her.

Outdoors speakers announce that Aelin and her team had won the election as they approach the school building.

Elide walks into the school with Lorcan, prepared for the day ahead. And the next. And then the next, and the next…

Epilogue

I actually don’t have any notes for this (I THOUGHT I DID I’M SORRY) but I think I had it so that they bump into each other at Terrasen University or something like that and they start as friends but eventually begin dating and then get married in the library and the last scene is them at their spot in the library in their wedding apparel just holding each other (because I’m sappy like that)

Thank you all, again. Writing this was a pleasure and I could not have asked for a better community and support group

- Abs

#throne of glass fanfic #elorcan #elorcanfanfic #maybe tomorrow

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jaskiersbard · 5 years

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So it’s been a while, huh?

I don’t know how many people are actually still following this blog/are interested in it but...hi again! I already wrote a post sort of explaining where I disappeared to and why (long story short: it was tumblr staff’s fault) but I also want to talk to you guys properly and update you all on what’s been going on since.

I don’t want to abandon this blog but I have another blog that I’m using now -> it’s @alwaysahiccupandastrid. It’s not as Beasts oriented as this one was, I’m afraid, but still feel free to follow it and chat to me! It’s much like this blog was when I used it in that I don’t really post exclusively for one fandom, it’s just a mix of whatever I like!

Anyway, updating! I already told you guys that I graduated university in July, finished my degree...that was stressful! A lot went down at university but it sorted itself out in the end and I survived! Our final assessment was at the end of May, and we performed a show that we created four times, three nights and one matinee. I’m very proud of what we achieved all things considered! But yes...I am no longer a university student!

What else has changed?

I no longer work for the cinema anymore - I quit a few weeks ago after getting a job at a fancy hotel that was supposedly better...I quit the day after my first shift because I had a “me too” experience with another employee...without too much detail, he touched and started kissing me, and I left. I struggled for a couple of weeks trying urgently to get a new job, and I’m now working for Superdrug! My first shift was Wednesday afternoon/evening and I’m excited to start properly! It’s not permanent: I’m also hoping to hear back from Nikon soon about an admin position that’s closer to home and pays extremely well!

I no longer see that therapist who likes Harry Potter - I think I talked a little bit on here about my counsellor who was also a Harry Potter fan and who I liked? Yeah...turns out not so much? I stopped going to her because she a) screamed at me for waiting in the waiting room until my bus was due to arrive down the road and b) she got pissed because I couldn’t do a few certain weeks due to show rehearsals. I’m honestly all the better for it frankly.

More tattoos! - Okay so it’s not a super important thing but it’s a change so...! I think when I was last on his blog I had 3 tattoos - I now have 8! So in addition to the wand, the “worrying means you suffer twice”, and the Deathly Hallows symbol, I now have a tattoo of Leta’s flower from the Lestrange family tree (with her name and the words “beautiful. Separate.”; a tiny tattoo of Harry’s scar/glasses; a Night Fury/Toothless tattoo with the words “heart of a chief” and “soul of a dragon”; the Chief symbol from HTTYD 2; and the words “Night Fury” in Viking runes.

My hair?! - Again, not important but hey! Let’s celebrate! My hair finally grew back and is now blonde! It’s not too long, just about to my shoulders, and my roots are dark blonde whilst the bottom is more bright blonde from dying it in March. It’s silly but hooray!

I met Kevin Guthrie in March! - I met Mr Abernathy himself at Comic Con in London and he was LOVELY. He was such a wonderful man, so cheerful and amazing with the fans. I had some pretty interesting conversations with him about Fantastic Beasts and whether he’ll be in the next one...we shall see! He also told us that Poppy Corby-Tuech (Vinda Rosier) is “all about the cosplay”! And ofc I got some photos with him :)

I’m now 21 - my birthday was obviously in January and I’m old(er) 😂😭 I didn’t do anything too special, just saw CoG with the family and then a few days later went to the WB Studio Tour again (which was amazing because my sister has a friend who works there and was showing us props lots of people won’t ever see!)

Mental Health crap - Obviously I’m not “cured” or anything. I’m still on Sertraline for my depression (haven’t taken the anxiety one for a while but that is a whole other kettle of fish!) and I still have problems but I’m not as low as I have been these past few years on this blog. I’m proud to say that I have been self-harm free since about March or April (it’s hard to remember since the months blur together), and I’m genuinely all the better for it! Part of it is because I didn’t want to damage my tattoos on my arms but it’s also because I’ve managed to resist the urge as well!

^ Having said that, I’m on the waiting list to see a doctor/specialist because my GP said there was a possibility I could have autism/Aspergers/be on the spectrum. It’s a LONG waiting list in the UK so it could be a while until I see a specialist, but there’s that. It’s not a bad thing necessarily since it might be a step closer to making sure I get the exact treatment/help I need.

Fandom junk - I already mentioned in my earlier posts that since late February/early March, I’ve gotten REALLY into How To Train Your Dragon. It’s now my main fandom, in fact, which is sad because the last film has come out and there’s just a half an hour Christmas special left to be released this winter 😭 but HTTYD has had such an impact on my life and my mental state, like it has genuinely made me so much happier and (in my opinion) a better person. I still love Fantastic Beasts and Harry Potter (I even went to King’s Cross at the beginning of the month for Back to Hogwarts Day!) but it’s not my main fandom right now; I had to take a breather from Beasts and the Beasts fandom because it’s really not a great place to be at times. But I’m still into it and I’m waiting for the third film to come out in 2021!

Other random/rather unimportant stuff:

My bed is now overrun with Build a Bear dragons (and the odd baby Niffler)

My sister turned 18 and I’m so...old? I feel so old now omg

I’ve been trying to help the environment by taking little steps like going out litter picking (both on my own and with my dad) whenever I can, and I’ve been using the Ecosia search app as much as possible (for every 45 searches, they’ll plant a new tree!)

I went to Disneyland Paris again in June and it was a lot of fun, I met Peter/Wendy/Alice/Mad Hatter again, there was a false alarm because some twat left their bag at the meet and greet so they had to get the sniffer dog and everything, and I also met Donald Duck, Stitch, Tiana/Naveen AND Rapunzel (Rapunzel is my sister’s absolute favourite, so I’m happy she got to meet her!)

This may be super lame but I got so happy because I got noticed on Twitter several times by Jay Baruchel (the guy who plays Hiccup in How To Train Your Dragon - he’s so awesome and loves the character btw), his fiancée who’s a model keeps liking some of my posts on Instagram, and Cressida Cowell, who wrote the original How To Train Your Dragon books (which are vastly different to the movies but omg they’re so amazing?!), liked a tweet I sent her about my Toothless tattoo and she loved it?! I’m having a good year celebrity/famous people wise for some reason?! 😂❤️

I dont know if my blog was still in use when this happened but I’ll mention it anyway... I SAW EZRA AGAIN IN DECEMBER!! I went to watch Sons of an Illustrious Father play in London and it was GLORIOUS. Ezra Miller is GLORIOUS.

(I won’t post pictures of all the stuff here but... soon maybe?)

So that’s all I can think of...it’s been so long since I used this blog and I felt bad just abandoning it, so here we are.

I don’t know how much I’ll still use this blog, but as I said, I definitely don’t want to just abandon it. At the moment, I’m logged into this account on my iPod and onto my account on my phone, and I think I’ll keep it that way. I don’t know how much posting I’ll do here but I’ll still be around, and I’ll try to see if I can keep this blog alive alongside my current one, if people want me to!

I hope you guys are doing well, and I’m glad to have this blog back. Even if you follow my new blog and have been for the last few months, it’s still awesome to be talking to guys again on this account!

If you guys want to chat or say anything, feel free! Like I said, if people still want me to be active on here then just let me know and I’ll do my best! ☺️

#personal #long post #im on mobile so sorry i couldnt do a read more 😣#fandom

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traumacatharsis · 5 years

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Multiple Blogs Helps Me To Balance & See A Bigger Picture, & Compartmentalize My Mind

7- 19- 19 - I think that I will keep my various other blogs, to some degree. Maybe totally. But this one, the excess of my spiritual and mental health/illness outlet, I will post a lot of that now instead to the other blog I mentioned, the mentalretreat one. Well, I guess I just feel like there is way too much I can say and I don’t want to drag anyone down, and yet, on the other side of the coin, really, all these blogs are for me. No one needs to follow them unless they want to, and if they do, then they can unfollow them at any time. I’ll try my best to remember that it really doesn’t matter if anyone follows me or not,...

It’s not my business to care or worry. It’s just my personal ramblings and I actually should be surprised if anyone decides to follow. Then for that matter, as far as it goes with my being a burden, I will try to post more of my emotional and mental illness related and excessive personal issues related stuff on the mentalretreat tumblr,... and, yet,... You know? Whatever. I can make no promises. This is a big mental health tool for me. I think that even if I only posted this stuff for myself, it could be really helpful for me. And what does that say, if it’s so helpful for me, mightn’t it be helpful for someone else, even, too? Even burdens and all? If they have similar burdens as me. If I have enough insights among the mire that it’s worth it for that,... And yet, it could be bad, too,... Well, it could drag them down.

But I guess it’s for all of us to discern for ourselves. Some people who are above me, mentally and emotionally also, in a better state, might be able to read and hear and bear with all the struggle and strife in my inner state and all my ramblings and be none the worse for the wear. It’s nothing to fret about too much, I think. Mental health blogs are random. I did put a warning of sorts at the header of my blog.

I just think that having multiple blogs can help me a lot. It helps me to compartmentalize myself and keep different parts of myself separate from each other, so I can focus, accomplish certain things in a timely way.

So,... Not to let certain things take over my life, while still allowing them to have an outlet. To be cared for. So like stars in a constellation are placed at distances from each other to create the bigger picture, I feel I need blogs spaced and placed at certain locations to make the bigger goal and focus and balance in my life. Some of the stars are less important.

Some of them are just accents, unnecessary. Some of the seemingly unnecessary accents are more important than they seem, because they make me happier and more refined and intuitive and insightful, even if at first glance they appear to be frivolous, fickle or indulgent.

Well, that’s how it is. I will intuitively try to feel what seems right. Then that doesn’t even mention all my alone time in my life, with spirit, writing and talking and just feeling, healing, doing things with spirit, and not just spirit but of course, ... just myself.

Just myself, doing my own things I need to do and with my family and so on. Living with real people in the real world, doing what matters, often that soaks me up, absorbs me so for days, weeks, months.

If I was joyful and alive feeling enough then maybe if I was in balance enough, I wouldn’t want nor need to write, just live.

Sometimes it’s felt that way and I’m liable to disappear if things are going too well or just too consuming.

But I’m also thinking about making more blogs to add to my constellation, my wheel with many spokes, or whatever other image would work, not sure what would best depict the feeling, the use I would have for all these things,...

A blog about my “inner child”, or my childlike nature as it exists, not some separate distant being, but a part of the living whole present tense adult me (and even though I’m already 37,... lol I feel old)... But the inner child me, and she needs nurturing, healing, encouragement, to draw her out, which is why I would make this blog. She is alive and well, but she still needs healing to help her feel more alive and remembered and able to express and be herself and remember herself.

Then, a blog of quotes, too many quotes, any quotes that might possibly call to me, in any mood. That’s different from the questionable quotes blog that I made. It won’t include the writing and perspectives that help me to describe how I would or would not use the quotes,... I will probably use it to draw from when I’m looking for quotes to question on the questionable quote blog.

Then, a gratitude blog. I’ll see how that goes. Sometimes I slack on expressing gratitude because call it ungrateful but as soon as I express gratitude it often feels diminished. I prefer to live it in the moment and to try to stretch the feeling out longer than the moment sometimes makes it unpleasant, a burden of inauthentic attempts to amplify something that was only there for the moment and can’t be held.

Then the other blogs I mentioned, how to get my life together... Or did I mention it? The tedium, drawn out excess of that. I think I mentioned it. I need it for myself. It’s another of those “just for myself” things that might help someone similar, still, who knows. So many things I need to get together and figure out in my falling apart states.

And a vision of dreams and love and future life,... Which is a big motivator. Seeing the visions of that will help me focus and do all the “getting my life together” stuff that I tend to slack about otherwise.

And then, speaking of that, symbols,... Symbols that motivate and inspire and remind me of values. They’re one of my biggest things in life, and even if the symbols I use seems strange, weird and boring or whatever, I know how powerful they are at helping me and so I feel it’s worth it to write about and share them, and if it’s only for me, that’s worth it, too. I need so many symbols because my mind and emotions respond to imagery, even however weird and silly and goofy and strange sense of humor or whatever it might seem. It works when words fail me and my mind goes nonverbal (which happens quite often, strange to say, considering all my monologues. Maybe my mind is all or nothing - flooding words or silent nonverbal states with little between?).

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silvestrisdream · 2 years

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An overall long story / Update :’D lol

Hey y’all! I don’t really know how to form my thoughts out into this post... But I’ll try :’P ! Buckle up, this will get long :’D ! Tbh, I am just ranting about life overall - and my passion towards VC (so feel free and comfortable to ignore this entire post :’D) lol Recently (maybe for almost a year now), I’ve been plagued with physical and mental health issues. Non-stop pains due to a body condition + deliberating anxiety, made me unable to work on pelts and VC things for a while. This made me question a ton of things, as a whole. Since my one and only Special Interest is VC, and I wasn’t able to have fun and indulge in it anymore... I had to take a honest break; hence, my disappearance from Tumblr :’P The final nail in the coffin was when I went to a friend’s place, a while back, to skin a few of her meat rabbits. I was very rusty (being in a non-supportive household, where I can’t train my VC competences as much as I want to), and my friend ended up doing most of the work. Ofc, this made me feel worthless, as I couldn’t bear the thought that I sucked this hard, at something that I love this much. I therefore inherited this taxidermy-level gray rabbit pelt, that me and my friend ended up skinning together. I brought it home. Tried to turn the ears all the way, it didn’t work. Was also too anxious to try and debone the paws, even just one per day y’know? Ended up salting this hide, which was half-done, and putting it away - in my basement’s garage. “Out of sight, out of mind”, y’know. A couple of months passed, where I didn’t do anything VC related. Finally, a month or two (or so) ago, I got pain medication, found out what my physical issue might be (we’re still not sure, but point is; I don’t have as much pain anymore). So, now that I have less of such pains and issues, and that uni is done and I’m less stressed out... And also, now that the sun is out and summer is coming along (upgrading my overall mood), I ended up realizing what was wrong. The real reason why VC things ended up exhausting me, and the reason why I froze when thinking of working this damn rabbit pelt, was my dumb perfectionism. I won’t go into details, but personal life and family stuff made me put up intense standards to achieve for myself, as soon as I (we) was (were) a young child. The pressure to succeed (whether by grades, or job stuff, or in my interests) is something that has plagued me forever. I gotta get to the top, and be the best. Otherwise, I’m not worth anything. That was how my early existence shaped me, and even today it’s hard to let go of those kinda things that I was taught, very young. But, anyways. Upon realizing that perfectionism of mine (and also thanks to social workers, and general therapy :’P), just recently too, I ended up going “.. Hey, you know what? I have the right to take my time, and make mistakes, and learn.” And really? I’m gonna take out that damn rabbit pelt from my garage, re-hydrate it, and do my best. I ordered some more tanning chemicals, I am gonna get mentally and physically ready - and then tackle this rabbit pelt, head on :’D ! If I succeed in doing everything I want, AND tanning it, down the line? Hey, good job, me!! And if I end up having to trash it... It sucks, and I’ll def feel guilty for the animal themself, but I’ll learn from the things that I did wrong with this pelt - so that, hopefully, the next fluffy one will be the right one :’))) I don’t... Really know why I needed to write such a thing tonight, tbqh haha But it feels good to get that one off my chest :’)) ! And y’know, if my story can resonate with someone else... Then yay! :’D PS. : If you’ve read this far, gosh you are an absolute saint :’D !! - Aigle-Renard(e); iel / they.

#vulture culture

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tamsythepansy · 6 years

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VOY: “Workforce”, the transest Star Trek episode ever

So. There’s a two-part episode of Star Trek: Voyager (“Workforce”) in which the crew all find themselves living out new lives as vaguely Fordist industrial workers on a planet called Quarra, all memory of their real lives having been artificially suppressed.

Imagine my surprise when, rewatching it years later, the bogus diagnosis they’re given as their memories start to resurface is...

...which also happens to be exactly what my partners have been reminding me for the last two months (bless them). I giggled.

Lo and behold, it happens to Tuvok as well:

Now, I get that it was the turn of the millennium and this hadn’t really entered the lexicon yet, but... this is just the tip of the iceberg. Watch along with me and see how it all plays out:

Tuvok, of course, is the first to experience memories of his real life breaking through the facade, has a panic attack, and is hospitalized:

Well, if this isn’t relatable to multitudes of trans and non-binary Star Trek fans, I don’t know what is. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Of course, the ‘treatment’ for Dysphoria Syndrome involves suppressing the offending memory engrams, so the patient can peacefully return to being a cog in the cisheteronormative machine Quarran power distribution facility (read what you will into that). As the expert on Dysphoria Syndrome himself later puts it:

Sounds like an allegory for LGBTQ conversion therapy to me, I mean, what?

Anyway, Seven realizes that Tuvok might be on to something, and heads to the mental health clinic to get a gender assessment investigate:

Stepping into the realm of the purely serious for a moment, I *have* sort of read Seven’s character arc as a plausible trans allegory, and it’s pretty compelling: having her true identity suppressed at an early age, and finally being forced to confront it in adulthood; processing layers upon layers of trauma just to function as an individual; being rehabilitated by a circle of strong, compassionate women, each with their own identity issues (plus the medical wizardry, overeager cisheteronormative life coaching, and starry-eyed / vaguely inappropriate crushing of The Doctor, I guess, so yeah); struggling to reclaim her human (/feminine) sense of self even while the effects of her Borg (/patriarchal) upbringing have thoroughly warped her thoughts (even as they continue to give her superhuman resilience and insight). I’m sure there’s even a comparison to be drawn to transfeminine desirability politics — Seven is continually presented both as an extremely conventionally attractive human *and* as a mysterious cyborg whose embodiment and manner communicates an often-threatening sense of Otherness — but I’ll leave that for a future discourse. I’m honestly spitballing a bit with all of this, but to see it so explicitly referenced, intentionally or not, is quite something.

So, Seven asks the obvious question, and it turns out that, while being trans is undoubtedly a Real Thing, the specifics are... inconclusive:

Let’s take a moment to celebrate the fact that we’re finally starting to see gender doctors who actually understand us in all our nuance, because...

...we already know this is bad news. (Paging Dr. Harry Benjamin.)

Anyway, the compassionate gender doctor goes to the conversion therapy doctor to see what’s up, because clearly something over at the power plant is turning people trans:

One important takeaway from this story is “never walk away and leave your work computer unlocked”:

I get it, though! On a planet ostensibly without Tumblr or OKCupid, trans community is just really, really hard to find. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The compassionate gender doctor soon notices a pattern:

...mm hmm, it all started when a genderqueer person sneezed in the employee locker room, and somehow the conversion therapy doctor wound up with his hands full as everybody in the office came down with a bad case of The Trans.

Finally, the compassionate gender doctor is determined to be just a little bit too sympathetic to these gender deviants, and the now-canonically trans but still awesome at passing Seven of Nine comes to the rescue:

As if this weren’t trans enough...

...check out the subplot featuring Jaffen, a co-worker with whom Captain Janeway has an adorable but bittersweet whirlwind relationship. Though Jaffen presents as male and uses he/him pronouns, THIS TOTALLY HAPPENS, and its implications are never made clear:

Though this is set up as the punchline of a “your father” joke, Jaffen isn’t just fucking around here. Tuvok knows what’s up, and proceeds to Vulcan-splain the joke right back to him:

Which begs the question, how do Norvalians procreate, anyway? Are they clones, like the Vorta? Do they deposit their genetic material into pods, like the J’naii? Do they pick up ready-made offspring, like the Kobali? Whatever the intent is, it has serious implications for whatever kind of relationship he and Janeway would have (like, it’s not on the cisheteronormative trajectory of sex and babies, at the very least). So, bear with me for a moment, because this is my honest-to-goodness fan theory:

(okay, I admit I just had that image lying around, and this seemed like as good a moment as any to use it.)

What if Norvalians reproduce parthenogenetically, leaving the entire need for a biological “father” out of the equation?

This could mean one of two things: as with terrestrial Komodo dragons (I think), parthenogenesis happens but binary sexual reproduction is still an option (which honestly doesn’t seem like the most likely explanation, given the way Jaffen and Tuvok both frame it), *or*, as with terrestrial whiptail lizards, parthenogenesis is the default, and male (i.e., sperm-producing) offspring are extremely rare and/or usually infertile.

So yeah, okay, they reproduce parthenogenetically, Jaffen is a rare male and is probably infertile, and therefore the Jaffen/Janeway relationship is more about companionship and cooperation than sex and babies. I’m fine with that, and I actually find it quite heartwarming.

But, with that in mind, do we need to assume that Jaffen is male, whatever that means for his species? After all, whiptail lizards engage in female/female courtship behaviour, which somehow makes them more fecund — and remember, it’s the Delta Quadrant; we’ve seen enough weird sex shit by Season 7 (cf. “Elogium”, “Favorite Son”, “The Disease”, “Ashes to Ashes”, off the top of my head) that we can reasonably conclude that all bets are off.

My interpretation? Jaffen is an honest, gallant, leather-waistcoat-rocking, he/him pronoun-using, parthenogenetic Space Butch. Maybe I’ve spent too much time on Sapphic Star Trek Tumblr, or have finally disappeared up my own genderqueer ass, but I’m convinced it’s the simplest explanation that’s congruent with the facts.

[I just spent a bunch of time trying to find the “Captain Janeway is a closet lesbian, change my mind” meme, but no dice.]

Anyway, if you’ve made it this far, it’s time for me to deliver on the non-binary trans lesbian Star Trek shitposting that I’m usually all about. Having been closeted for a long time, I know a thing or two about relationships that seem straight on the surface but are actually hella queer under the hood, so to speak. Just look at these two u-hauling it on the third date (it’s adorable!):

This also seems really gay for some reason:

And, at the end of the day, he’s a good ally:

Watch the whole episode for the obligatory Sad Lesbian Ending.

The icing on this three-tiered Tholian gay wedding cake

...yup.

[Thanks to Em for subtly egging me on (ha) and Bry for putting up with me procrastinating all night. Love you both.]

#star trek shitposting #genderqueer shitposting #original content #original commentary #very long post #cw conversion therapy #cw dysphoria #non-binary lesbian #trans stuff #ember #discourse long and prosper #this got really unintentionally serious #cw transphobia #cw transmisogyny #cw sex mention #cw reproduction #tamsytalk

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eirenical · 7 years

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*peeks her head around the corner of the blog* ...hello?

*sheepish grin*

Sorry I up and disappeared this week. I’ve been conducting an experiment wherein I actually treat my part-time-job-that-is-really-a-full-time-job-in-disguise like it’s really the full time job that it is. As a result, ironically, WAY LOWER ANXIETY. Who knew? Unfortunately, that means more time spent at work, more time devoted to grading and lesson planning, and earlier bedtimes. All of which adds up to less time to spend on tumblr.

I mean... I really, REALLY miss all of you, but this was fast becoming a “must take care of my own mental health first, for a while” situation. So, when my queue ran out, I just kind of... let it. And tried not to think about it for a while. And when I realized that no WAY was I catching up on all the posts I was missing without a marathon tumblr session, I tried to let that go, too. And doing those things ALSO decreased my overall anxiety level. So, I think I may be on to something here.

The GOOD news is that with the overall decreasing of my anxiety level, I’m starting to have more energy to do other things. Like, I started crocheting again for the first time in a long time. And I actually feel like I might have the mental capacity to write that paper I still have trailing from the summer. I cleaned off my desk today and immediately started thinking about journals I could be making. AND for the first time in a long time, I’m starting to itch to write. And these are all good things. VERY good things. So, I’m tentatively hopeful that if I can keep this up, maybe I’ll start to feel a bit more like myself again? And that’s not nothing.

Anyway, I hope you’re all well, and I hope you’ll bear with me while I try to get myself in order, because it’s entirely likely that my queue will probably run pretty sporadically for a while, and I’ll probably miss things you want me to see unless you directly call my attention to them or I happen to be on at the right time to catch them. ...sorry? -.-;;;

#the state of me #is actually not too shabby right now #^_____________^#eirenical babble

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hedonisticadventures · 7 years

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Answer all the questions

1. Favourite colour.Purple and green2. Number of people you’ve slept with.43. Cake or ice cream?Cake4. If you were a superhero what would your power be?Ability to control probabilities!5. Ever been in a fist fight?Yeah...6. Do you live in the country or the city?Country7. Biggest kink?I don’t even know... I still gotta figure out what it is8. Favourite video-game?Destiny (And soon D2)9. Words you live by?Fall down seven, stand up eight10. Best book you’ve ever read?Harry Potter series11. Favourite film?The Fifth Element12. Horror or romance?Both!13. Biggest fear?Being the failure everyone expects me to be14. Best memory?The nights with my best friend that start out with “What the fuck are we doing tonight?”15. Worst memory?Don’t wanna know... trust me...16. Where are you from?Tampa, Fl17. Ever done anal?Nope18. Would you prefer to be Mary Berry’s grandchild or Paul Hollywood’s bitch?Uhhhhhh?19. Favourite outfit?My khaki colored joggers and long black shirt with my beanie!20. Snapchat or Instagram?Both!21. If you could freeze time what would you do?Travel and not lose any time!22. Best LUSH product in your opinion?Various bath bombs!23. Should people wear red shirts or brown pants in your presence?Is this a Deadpool reference? Red Shirts24. Favourite television character?Jon Snow25. Do you have a nemesis?Yeah... money26. Are you a hard-worker?Of course!27. What’s the best holiday you’ve ever been on?Every Halloween is the best time of the year!28. What’s your dream?To have my family not worry about money... I grew up constantly under the threat of losing my house and living on the streets so I don’t want my loved ones to have to worry like that!29. Where do you see your life ending up?Traveling the world!30. Describe your last sexual encounter. I took my friend a graduation gift and we hung out and at the end of the night she goes "I’m horny... fuck me?” after making sure she was sure we fucked!31. Cake by the ocean or sex on the beach?Sex on the beach!32. Ever done drugs?Nope33. Harry Potter or Lord Of The Rings?HP!34. Are you a jock or a nerd?Nerd for sure!35. On a scale of 8 to 34.7, how gay are you?21ish36. Do you live for Tumblr discourse or hate it?Tumblr discourse?37. Favourite trashy television show?Big Brother... thats about the trashiest I watch and its not even trashy...38. Last time you watched porn?Right now39. Do you have a recurring sexual fantasy?Glory hole40. Weirdest dream you ever had?I was in a wasteland but I was king of that wasteland... I don’t even remember the details... 41. Ever had mental health issues?Yup!42. What’s the answer to the question you wish someone would ask you?Of course43. Do you wish people paid more attention to you?Depends on what aspect... like my YouTube channel? Fuck yeah I want more attention on there but in real life... I’m alright where I am44. Do you have anyone who you’d happily slap right across their chops?YES!45. Dog person or cat person?Dog but my cat is cute and gives kisses sooooo46. Sneakers or heels?Sneakers... easy!47. Favourite cocktail?My buddy is a bartender and keeps coming up with crazy shit so whatever he's making!48. Day or night?Night49. Pokémon or Digimon?Pokemon!50. How big is your dick?7.5in long... I’ve been told large if that means anything51. Favourite musical?All of a sudden every musical has disappeared from my memory52. Favourite song? “Middle Fingers” by Missio53. Are you secretly a goblin/alien/android?Yes54. Why are you like this? Because the culmination of my life until this point has influenced and affected my perception of reality55. What’s your guilty pleasure?Naps56. What would you say if I said ‘I love you’?Who are you, anon? I’ll tell you then! ;D57. What’s the story behind your URL? dance-to-this-beat called me it and I changed my name to it!58. Tell me something that worries you.America59. What have you been worrying about today?Whether I’m getting sunburnt or not...60. I’m only sending you these questions because I have a crush on you and I’m too tragic to actually just say it. Anon... are you sure you read through all of these before asking me?61. Hot dogs or burgers?Burgers62. Nintendo or the other trash-consoles?All of them!63. Which fandom ruined a show that you used to like?I don’t care about fandoms when it comes to me shows!64. What do you wish you could tell your best friend?I tell my best friend everything!65. Tell us a deep dark secret. Uhhhh... I don’t have secrets... ask me anything and I’ll tell you!66. Are you curious about having a man in leather spank your botty 'til it’s all red?Not at all67. Favourite Tumblr couple?Uhhh I don’t know...68. Do you have any dietary quirks?No fast food, I stay away from dairy, I don’t eat meat (for the most part) until dinner time... 69. Do you want to have someone pleasure your genitals orally while you do the same to theirs?Fuck yeah! 70. How old are you?2471. Which Buzzfeed listicle sums up your existence?I’m not going looking for a Buzzfeed article just to answer this hahaa72. Do you have any pets? 2 pups, 3 cats, and a dozen chickens!73. What colour underwear are you wearing?Red74. Boxers or briefs?Briefs75. Fuck me, Ray Bradbury?No76. Which television show do you want to last forever?Steven Universe77. In a zombie apocalypse how long would you last?Until someone decides to betray me78. Do you have good internet connection or do you want to punch your router every ten minutes?Both79. Would you find it somewhat saucy if I sent bawdy nudes in your direction?I would think thats fucking hot and appreciate each and every one I received individually!80. Which country has the best flag?Pirates... come on Jolly Roger81. Do you consider yourself *iconic*?Never82. Most overrated food?None!83. Most overrated film?I havent even seen many films lately...84. Most overrated television show?I don’t watch much tv outside my shows so I don’t know...85. Most overrated type of cheese?SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH CHEESE IS AMAZING86. Which brand would you never shop at?I ain’t about brands anyways... if theres a shirt I like I’ll buy it87. Wisdom, courage, or power?Wisdom88. Would you prefer to travel in time and stay in the same spot, or travel in space with time elapsing as normal?Travel in space and time elapses normally!89. What’s the best birthday present you ever got?The money90. What present do you wish someone would give you?Sex91. Do you have an ex? Why did you break up?I have six exes and various reasons91. Why does 91 appear on this list twice now?Just so you can ask this question92. Spare a thought for the humble creator of this list, it’s difficult to think of this many questions. Don’t put two question 91s93. Do you prefer anons or non-anons?I love all my asks! IF I ONLY HAD ANY94. Who do you wish you could have sex with more than any other?I ain’t even gonna answer this one... she might see it and that might be bad95. What is your spirit animal? Bear96. Do you have one word that you really love the sound of?Spiffy97. Do you still have any of your stuffed toys from when you were a kid?I cuddle up to a stuffed animal every night... come on haha98. What makes you super nostalgic?Old school cartoons!99. Give me an answer to a random one of these questions. (But don’t make it a shit answer like 'yes’. Don’t be an asshole.)HARRY POTTER!100. What’s your favourite cocktail?You mean the same question from question 41?101. Sonic screwdriver or Ron’s shit broken wand from the second Potter book?Sonic screwdriver... I want a wand more but still...102. Laptop or PC?PC by far!103. What’s the sexiest accent in your opinion?Give me any accent and I’ll fall in love104. Would you let Donald Trump tickle your nipples for an hour for £6,000,000?WHY WOULD’NT I?105. You should check out a great little British website called Pretty52. I smell advertising...106. If you could dye your hair any colour, what colour would you change to?Blue107. What would you change about your body if you could?My sinus problem108. Do you prefer to be hot or cold?Cold109. What’s your favourite way to orgasm?I just love to have orgasms...110. Are you a mermaid or a unicorn?Unicorn111. What’s the name of your favourite pet when you were a kid?George112. What was your favourite class at school?Math113. Are you superstitious? Very!114. What do you think happens when we die?Afterlife in heaven or hell115. Pie or pi?PIE116. Your followers a question.Proper grammar please?117. Lick my genitalia. I would love to if you have a pussy118. What’s your favourite number?42119. Do you ever look up at the stars and feel small?Not really120. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?Eh121. Tell me about a quirky personality trait. I’m way too honest122. What was your favourite story when you were younger?Harry Potter hahaha123. Are you old before your time or young at heart?Young at heart124. Why do you do the things you do? Please. Tell me.Because they make sense to me125. I hope you enjoyed these questions.I did!126. Which Tumblr blog would you recommend to all your fans?psychxtic-hearts

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