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goaways-stuff · 2 years

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Dark Days

Pairing: Steven Grant x transmale! reader, Marc Spector x transmale! reader, Jake Lockley x transmale! reader

Warnings: EXTREME MENTAL HEALTH WARNING! self-harm, mentions of mental abuse, this gets pretty dark so read at your own risk, transphobia, homophobia, mentions of religious trauma, extreme angst

Rating: Mature

A/N: Please do not read if you are considering self harm or suicide. I am not a mental health professional, this story is based on myself and times where I just needed someone there. There to reassure me, so a lot of this is things I have personally experienced, with creative liberties take of course. Anyway, be careful reading this. If you're worried you may relapse into anything, don't read this. This was honestly more for myself because fics like these do help me, and they may help others too. Just be weary, know your limits.

dividers by @firefly-graphics

Tears streamed down your face as wrecked sobs left your mouth. You were clinging to your favorite stuffed animal for dear life as tears stained the soft fabric.

You thought you could do it. You thought maybe they had had a change of heart. You couldn't have been more wrong.

Your parents had reached out to you, inviting you for dinner and to stay back home. Maybe it was going to be an apology for the things they did to you for all those years, you thought. Maybe they wanted you back in their life.

You wanted them back in yours. You had always longed for the unconditional love of a parent. After years of mental abuse from your family, you were finally able to escape, but not without paying the price of losing them. Your whole family turned their back on you: aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents- everyone. You assumed your parents had spread rumors and lies, or even worse- they told them the truth.

The horrible, disgusting truth about yourself. That not only were you gay, but you were transitioning to a man. You knew it'd eventually get out, but you had wished it would've been on your own time.

But all of that was many, many years ago. You had since transitioned, becoming the man you were always meant to be, met your wonderful boyfriend with three different personalities, each who you loved equally whom you had made your own little family with. You had the three of them, Steven's pet goldfish Gus (the second), and your vast array of plants.

You were happy with your new found family, loving every second that you spent with them in the comfort of the cozy London apartment, or anywhere for that matter. But, when your parents reached out, that longing for the live only a parent can give came flooding back, causing you to say yes before you could even think about what could happen.

You went eagerly to their house, your childhood home. As soon as you arrived, a feeling of regret rushed through your blood. Memories of the abuse your parents put you through conjured in you mind. You did your best to push it down, just wanting to see your mom and dad again.

As soon as that door opened, you were reminded of why you had left.

Your mother nearly burst out in tears at the sight of you; shoulders broadened, a light stubble over your cheeks and a sharper jaw, a much more masculine figure compared to when your parents had last seen you. She wailed as to what happened to her baby girl. She called your horrendous names. Your dad came running to see what the fuss with about before yelling at you, calling you slurs and justifying himself with his religion. They tried to convince you to come back to God, walk a more righteous path or whatever. They guilt tripped you, but you weren't going to let them manipulate you into coming back, no way.

You ran back to your car, tears welling in your eyes before speeding off. You quickly tried to clear your vision, not wanting to distract from driving. It was hard, but you managed to make it back to the apartment. Steven was still at work, as expected so you were alone. Left with your now, much darker thoughts than normal due to your parents.

That brings you to now, sobbing into your stuffed animal as you tried to silence the thoughts, but it was no use. Not even your happiest memories could shine through the darkness of the memories of abuse right now.

You tried so hard not to result to old, harmful coping mechanisms, but it was a useless battle. You found your feet carrying you to the bathroom, still sobbing with blurred vision. Your eyes were beginning to burn and that beginning to become sore. Before you could stop yourself, your arms opened to sink drawer, rummaging for the one thing that would take the mental pain away.

You old, horrible friend met with you once again. You picked up the razor blade. The bathroom light reflected off of it.

You tried so hard to stop yourself, you tried to think of your ever so loving boyfriends. It was what felt like an impossible battle. Before you had knew it, you had lost.

Your tears finally stopped as the shock from what you had done set in. The physical painting easing the mental one. You had a moment of mental peace before the panic set in.

What would Steven, Marc, and Jake think? God, they were probably going to leave you now. You had been clean for so long, not having done it since towards the beginning of your relationship. You probably deserved it though, because you sure as hell didn't deserve them.

The tears welled up as the thoughts of self doubt ran through you mind once again. The boys don't really love you, they're just with you out of pity for your sad, pathetic self. Look at yourself, Y/N, you're pitiful. An ugly man that still looked like a girl.

The dysphoria kicked in. Not one positive thought went through your head. You sat as the self-doubt crippled you. It was like a dark shadow, devouring more and more until there was nothing left.

The razor blade sat on the floor, covered in blood, your clothes were stained and drips were on the floor. It truly was a scary sight to see.

An even scarier sight to Steven, who just got off of work. He had no idea that you would be back, as you told him you were staying with your parents for the night.

He immediately dropped to his knees by your side.

"Oh my God, Y/N, what happened. What happened?" Tears started welling in his eyes and waves upon waves of guilt crashed over you.

"I'm sorry- I'm so sorry. Please, I'm sorry," was all you could get out. Your sobs were horse now.

He tried to reach out to you, but you recoiled. You don't deserve him. Look at waht you did to him

Tears were streaming down his face as well now. "Please, Y/N, lemme help you, please," He looked at you, but you looked away, unable to face him. Unable to face the consequence of you actions.

Before you could resist, strong arms wrapped around you, picking you up and placing you on the sink. You were still stringing together Apologies as he retrieved a first aid kit.

"Y/N, my love, listen to me. Can you hear me?"

You nodded, still unable to look at him, which he knew. He knew how to handle you in moments like these.

"I need you to breathe with me for a second, yeah?"

You nodded again. Steven inhaled slowly, you inhaled with him before he slowly exhaled. The two of you repeated this as he aided to your wounds. It hurt him to see, it hurt so bad to know that you were in so much pain that this is what you resorted to. Marc and Jake were trying to fight to front, but Steven reminded them of how he was much more experienced in this side of you than they were, and he wasn't wrong. It's just that in the beginning of the relationship, neither Marc nor Jake knew how to handle their own emotions, nonetheless someone else's, so whenever you would get in a state similar to whee you are now, the reigns would be given to Steven. Though, Steven did promise them time with you after he got you calmed down and stable.

Once you were bandaged and your sobs had faded into sniffles Steven moved between your legs, grabbing onto you waist and hugging you tight. The pressure of his body and arms squeezing you was calming.

Once the sniffles had also faded, and only then did Steven pushed for what happened, though he had an idea. An idea that your words confirmed. He could feel anger rising in him, not at you, no- never. At your parents. At your stupid parents. All you wanted from them was their love, and they couldn't even do that for you.

Jake muttered what Steven assumed to be curses or threats in Spanish towards your parents and Marc was seething, yelling in Steven's head about how shitty it was to have horrible parents, and boy did he know what that was like.

Marc and Jake both started watching from the mirror behind you, making sure you were okay.

Once you were done rambling about your parents, you started rambling about the thoughts. "Steven, I'm so sorry. I tried so hard, I really did. I'm sorry, please don't leave me. I know I'm a burden and I'm hard to love and I require so much, but please- Steven please," You begged him as if it was for your life.

"Y/N, I would never, all three of us love you so very much. To the moon and back, a thought- no million times there and back. Marc and Jake are so worried about you right now, they love you, I love you. You are a light in out darkness, everytime I see your face, I just feel at home. I feel at peace with you, I feel safe. I have never loved anyone more than you, Y/N." Steven continued a genuine ramble about his love for you. He didn't blame you for anything. He knew you tried, the only thing he made you do was promise that next time, when you were feeling this way, that you would try to get him. Call, text, whatever, at anytime, anywhere. He moved you to the bed, still holding you close to him. You buried your head underneath the covers and into his chest. Eventually, once you were more ground he let go of the reigns, Marc quickly taking over.

After seeing the state you were in, Marc quickly became glad Steven had been in control earlier because he was at a loss. He had no idea what to do, or how to comfort you. "Y/N- my sweet boy, I'm so sorry. " He took your hand, squeezing it in his. He kissed the top of your head- he didn't know what else to do.

At this loss, Jake finally took over, he wanted to see you. His precioso.

"Ay, mi amor, who did this to you?" He heard what happened, but he wanted to hear it for himself. And upon this, rage built up inside, pouring gasoline on his already raging fire.

"Y/n, mi vida, te amo mucho y tú haces todo mejor. No sé qué haría sin ti."

He remained calm with you, while he knew he couldn't kill you parents as he wished to, he would find a way to make them pay for what they did.

You eventually fell asleep, having were yourself out from the crying. Steven took control once again to take care of your sleeping form.

#steven grant #steven grant x male reader #steven grant x reader #marc spector x male reader #marc spector #marc spector x reader #jake lockely x reader #jake lockley #jake lockley x male reader #moon boys #moon knight

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septembersghost · 1 year

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I feel like the internet has gotten so bad at being able to tell apart "human being who made mistakes and had flaws but did more harm than good" and "actual bigot/abuser/horrible criminal," which is. really bad because there's no nuance or space for flaws ever?

one of my friends and i have discussed many times that "your fave is problematic" and the culture that came with it did terrible detriment to social media and conversation - there are so many gradations to people. people can do thoughtless things or misguided things or even hurtful things, and they can grow and change and make amends for it, and that is part of being human. no one walks through this life never making a single mistake or never causing hurt, even inadvertently. i am basically chidi anagonye's white girl counterpart, i have such terrible fear and anxiety over doing the wrong thing, saying the wrong thing, ever accidentally causing harm. i've agonized over this my entire life, to the point where i intentionally wouldn't do things just to make sure i didn't mess up, and i struggle with decisions. (i don't recommend this btw, my emotional sensitivity and hyper self-criticism is not great and has never been good for my mental health. being extremely isolated due to illness, and thus less likely to be in a social situation, has only slightly dulled this, but that's, you know, also not ideal). i suspect part of my empathy for kind but very damaged people comes from this worry in myself, somehow, i don't really know. but as soon as we start judging anything through a lens of "moral purity," compassion and nuance is going to disappear. and you're right, there's a difference between "flawed, fragile human" and "reprehensible abuser/murderer/criminal" or "prejudiced bigot who actively does harm." there are really important distinctions there. to engage in any art or media EVER is to note that it came from people, and people aren't perfect, and art is influenced by its time, culture, individual experience, etc. we all decide what we do and do not engage with. for example, i can say, well, i personally won't watch works by this director or read this author, but i can't immediately assume that everyone who *does* is somehow bad/evil or condoning something that was done. (there are delineations here of course, but you know what i mean in general). i find i'm troubled by this idea of purity pervading fiction too, and people acting like enjoying a darker themed story or "bad" character makes them immoral themselves, or that we need a 21st century hays code. that's going to shrink possibility and creativity, not encourage it. besides, social mores are always changing (we hope for the better!), which means in ten years will we still have the parameters we have now? probably not. to engage with any art, any artist, any fiction, is to understand it was created by human beings who simply are never going to be perfect. since music/art/stories are my only real solace and escape in this life, i do try to choose that with care for my own well-being, and that's also unique to each individual. if everything has to be rigidly pure, we'll no longer be able to have any art at all, and what a poorer world that would be for everyone.

#we dream in the dark for the most part #anonymous #letterbox #fandom discourse

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puppyexpressions · 1 year

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Puppy-Proofing Tips for Your Home And Yard

Congratulations! You’ve taken the plunge and joined the exciting and sometimes chaotic world of dog ownership. By now, you’ve probably done some research and have an understanding of how to care for your new puppy. Your house is going to be the place where your dog spends the majority of their life, so it’s vitally important that you take precautions to make sure it’s a safe environment.

Puppies are extremely energetic and curious, so when puppy-proofing your home, you must be thorough. It’s amazing what one little puppy can get into. By puppy-proofing, you’re trying to keep the puppy safe and prevent them from getting access to anything dangerous.

Checklist for Puppy-Proofing Indoors

Unplug electrical cords, move them out of reach, or string them through cord concealers. These chewing hazards can cause burns to the mouth or electrical shock.

Avoid feeding food from the table. Pups may look adorable as they beg for food, but many human foods are not good for them. Pay special attention to sugarless gum with xylitol, chocolate, raisins, and other foods that are especially poisonous to dogs.

Keep cleaning supplies in high cabinets or secured behind doors with childproof latches. When using them, make sure that the puppy is kept out of the area, so they won’t be affected by the vapors given off by chemicals.

Put all medications away. Avoid keeping medications, even in pill bottles or dispensers, on low tables, bathroom counters, or night tables, where the puppy can easily get to them.

Keep toilet lids closed, so the puppy won’t drink out of the toilet or fall in.

Keep doors and windows closed at all times, so the puppy can’t escape or fall out, and secure the cords that raise blinds, so they won’t get caught around the puppy’s neck.

Put away small items that are choking hazards — such as coins, paper clips, rubber bands, and jewelry — to prevent the puppy from choking on them.

Keep all sharp objects out of your dog’s reach. This includes knives, scissors, razors, and tools.

Secure trashcans. Puppies are attracted to the smells coming from garbage, which can upset their stomachs or even be poisonous.

Move poisonous houseplants, so the puppy can’t eat them.

When you take your puppy outside, you need to take precautions there, too. Your backyard is going to be your puppy’s playground (and bathroom), so it’s important that it is also clear of all hazards.

Checklist for Puppy-Proofing Outdoors

Fence the yard, if possible. It’s best to have a fence that is high enough to prevent the puppy from jumping over it, with no holes to crawl through.

Remove toxic plants in your yard to prevent your pup from mistaking them for a snack.

Put a fence around in-ground pools. Pools are a big hazard for puppies. A fence surrounding the pool will prevent the puppy from accidentally falling in. You or a dog trainer can teach your pup pool safety, as well.

Designate a puppy area. Set aside a portion of the yard for the puppy to use as their bathroom area.

Keep the lawn trimmed and brush under control. Ticks are more likely to hide in tall grasses and latch onto your pup.

Keep your dog away from the yard if it has recently been treated with fertilizers, pesticides, or insecticides. Try to avoid using insecticides, because the chemicals can be very harmful to your puppy.

Be wary of heat. Avoid keeping your dog outside when it is hot, and always have shade and cool water available.

Clean up after your puppy to be sure they won’t try to eat their own feces.

Supervise your puppy. Young puppies should not be left outside alone. This is the time to play with them and train them, as well as to protect them from predators, heatstroke, and other hazards.

Puppies are completely dependent on you for everything, and their safety should be your No. 1 priority. It’s a hefty responsibility, but most definitely worth it.

#puppy training #puppy behavior #puppy house training #puppy chewing #puppy proofing home #puppy problems #puppy proof #puppy proofing

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tarotlogy · 2 years

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The Strength (VIII)

Moving on from The Chariot we encounter Strength and another approach to control. Here we see a woman dressed in white with a garland of flowers tied around her waist and flowers in her hair. Her white dress is symbolic of the purity of her motives.

Above her head is the infinity symbol suggesting things without beginning or end, the cycle of all life, that what goes round comes round, that this time too will pass. A lion stands in the foreground. The woman appears to calmly open and close the mouth of the apparently vicious lion. Her face is serene and she shows no signs of fear. The yellow background suggests the intellect at play. The lion is completely red representing extreme passion.

This card stands for inner strength. The Lion is symbolic of our own animal instincts, our desires, our passions, our jealousy, our rage, our lust. He traditionally represents our shadow-self, the side of us that we generally keep to ourselves, the shadow that society and respectability demand we keep under control. Each and every one of us has a shadow self and at times, when conditions are favourable, this animal, our lion, escapes or is glimpsed.

In psychology, it is through acceptance of our shadow self, by acknowledging and embracing it that we keep it under control. By denying our shadow self we create in effect, the caged animal whose fury, aggressions and passions seeth and grow out of control. When this shadow or lion manages to escape the consequences can be very disturbing.

The woman in this card sootheS the lion with her loving touch. She does not fear him for if she shows any sign of fear, he may get the upper hand and devour her. The Lion in turn, is calmed by the woman’s gentle touch. He shows his trust by allowing her get so close. He knows she means him no harm and she in fact is his friend. They appear to live quite peacefully side by side. The woman controls the beast through the power of reason and through love via the heart. She may be secretly terrified of what she is doing but she is prepared to face her fears, to take the risk, to feel the fear and do it anyway.

The lion also symbolises all the emotions and fears that were experienced in The Chariot. In The Chariot they were subdued by sheer will power and force. Here in Strength, fears and emotions are faced head-on and with courage. This woman is showing her inner strength, her confidence, and exceptional courage under the circumstances.

Inner strength is shown in many ways. A description of the Strength card I came across in a book some years ago has always stayed with me. It referred to the inner strength that is needed to get up in the morning and face each day after your child has lost their battle with cancer. The inner strength and courage to face people with children the same age as your child who is no longer here. The inner strength required to go on.

The inner strength that was required of the people who lost their families, homes and livelihoods, to tsunamis, hurricanes, floods, earthquakes, war and famine. The inner strength needed to face life after your child has been snatched and murdered. The list goes on and on. These people inspire us and give us hope.

MEANING

The Strength card along with The Sun and The Queen of Wands represents the sign of Leo and part of their lesson in life is to find inner-strength. Leos often appear to be brave and bold outwardly but often feel lacking in confidence, fearful and with low self-esteem. In fact Leos do inherently have great inner strength, they just have to believe in themselves a bit more and to put their inner strength to the test.

When the Strength Card comes up in a reading it would suggest that your own inner strength is being put to the test. It asks you to calm down and not just react to a situation. It reassures you that no matter what is going on, no matter how dreadful the situation may be, you do have the inner-strength at your disposal to handle the situation and to survive through it. Strength asks you to feel the fear and do it anyway. To put your doubts aside and show fortitude and courage. Others may be relying on you to bring them through a difficult time.

It also questions where your strengths lie. Maybe you should examine this area of your life and assess your own strengths and how best they could be applied to your life or the situation concerned for the good of all. Are you fearful of putting yourself forward for a promotion or to start your own business. You need to calm the fears of failure and rejection. Find the pride of the lion in yourself and step forward. Others may be inspired by your courage.

This woman has great power in her hands and she may suggest that you too have great power at your disposal and are well in control of the situation. By keeping your cool, you have successfully come through any difficult situation at present. By not rising to the bait you can keep a volatile situation under control. Others are calmed by your approach to the situation. A calm approach can often be more powerful than an aggressive one. You may be showing or have the ability to help others through difficult times by using loving understanding. You may be acting as a mediator in a potentially explosive situation. Great perseverance and endurance are suggested. Using reason rather than anger. Sometimes the Lion’s pride and self-importance make this difficult to achieve.

You may be standing up to a long time adversary or bully. You discover the power within . You may be struggling with a big problem or working hard to control your anger and rage. You may be putting all your heart into a situation or project. A love of animals, especially cats is often indicated.

In a relationship this may represent a Leo. Leos often have the reputation of being unable to combine both a successful career with a successful relationship. Usually one will suffer at the expense of the other. If you are experiencing difficulties in a relationship don’t run from them. Face them head on and you will have sufficient strength to deal with them before they get out of hand. The Strength card in a relationship indicates that the couple involved have the ability to weather most storms and are generally very close. They may have gone through a tough time or tragedy and this will have brought them closer.

#tarot #tarot meaning #the strength

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unpoetries · 1 year

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the wind and the butterfly.

old caterpillar thoughts and memories. long left behind, shed by the butterfly. she journeyed through the pain. grew wings to fly away from it. she was burned by the wind, but also loved by him. he would take her many places. helped her escape the cocoon. they would spend every single day together- hours and hours on end. one day they both made a promise. the wind said, “as long as you love me, I'll take you to places far and wide.” and the butterfly replied,”I'll love you as long as you help me fly to places I couldn’t possibly reach on my own.” to which they both agreed to, and they ventured off into the world.

he helped her reach heights she’d never known. the butterfly felt the most joy when she was flying together with him. the most she had ever felt...ever. about 3 years went by of this. they ventured high and low. amidst skyscrapers and meadows of blooming flowers the butterfly loved to visit most. until one day, the wind said, “”I would love to live amongst the ocean someday. I want to be among the ocean tides and feel the sand through me. the butterfly replied, “I want to stay here where all of the flowers bloom and the dandelions grow. I feel belonging here and I have never felt that before.” to which the wind explained that he could not stay in one place forever, and had to move constantly or he could not be.

at this moment, the butterfly and the wind both understood what had to be done. however, the butterfly knew that without the wind, she could never be as high as the skyscrapers she’d come to love visiting because of him. the wind could never watch the butterfly soar through the skies and see the glow of happiness she’d radiate. they were intertwined lives that had grown a sea of unconditional love for each other. but with this, the wind knew he could never know her love again. and the wind had never been loved in all the ways the butterfly loved him. something like him that could easily cause destruction and harm but also offer a cool breeze in the summer heat and help the storm clouds pass through a gloomy city. the butterfly loved him anyways. they reminisced. no more conversations over the sun; and the ones they had were now all seemingly for nothing. did it ever mean anything at all?

I love you, said the wind. he gathered every ounce of courage in him to turn away from the butterfly as he said this. “what if I follow you to the ocean!? you can help me fly so I can make it, I might love it you know?” begged the butterfly. despite this, the wind knew the butterfly needed a place to rest. he knew she could never make it that far, even with his help. he would never admit this to her though, it would make her sad. he promised to love her and make her happy, even at the expense of a lie. the ocean is no place for a butterfly. the breeze, the raging water, or the beating sun could never make the butterfly happy.. but she knew this. even still, she resisted and begged to keep their love alive by doing what they’d been doing for those years before. and although for a split second the wind couldn't help but think of all the beautiful moments they had spent together, he knew deep down inside it was all to make the butterfly happy. as the wind explained this, the butterfly wept. “what about all of the times we talked about going to the stars together?” the butterfly cried with defeated eyes. the wind knew that this far along, he had to make a big decision. he knew it would be extremely hard. no matter what she said to keep him there, he convinced himself that he would not allow himself to stay there any longer.

so the wind explained, sometimes there will come a day when someone you love will leave your life; for reasons big and small; or simply just change in the seasons. not everything that comes into your life is meant to serve you forever- or even at all. and like all of the winters, springs, summers, and even falls comes an end- but a beginning too. it is how you look at it. the wind went on, “I found you in your end. you were but a small butterfly who hadn't found her wings yet. you didn't feel like you belonged anywhere, the cocoon was the only place you had known for refuge. and now, in loving you for the time I did, I have served you with all of the joy, happiness, and courage I could possibly offer. it’s time for your new beginning.”

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fox-steward · 2 years

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i believe you also missed my point. obviously my ask was a sarcastic take on one of your previous posts. many disorders (both psychiatric and physical) are nothing but a word that medical professionals and researchers have provided for a series of symptoms. sure, with physical illnesses and some mental illnesses, some form of test or scan can provide a positive or negative result as evidence for the existence of it, but for many conditions a diagnosis is made purely from symptoms alone. no psychiatrist is ordering brain fMRIs for patients who are likely to have MDD, bipolar, etc. and social factors absolutely can play a role in someone developing such disorder and i would argue that the same may apply to gender dysphoria. but for many conditions that cause mental suffering, people are put on a lifetime of medication to improve their quality of life. lithium to treat bipolar can have extreme consequences for physical health. SSRIs can actually increase suicidality in those with anxiety and depressive disorders. this is why informed consent is crucial for everyone receiving treatment for any disorder. it's up to a patient and their medical professionals to make the decision that is most likely to lead to the best balance of quality and quantity of life.

the assumption that all dysphoria is hating gender roles was a very far stretch too. it's completely ignorant of body dysphoria and distress about pronouns and perception, and ignores the existence of GNC trans people. i don't know anyone who likes gender roles personally. they hold EVERYONE back and i can't see many people going as far as to transition purely to escape gender roles alone. disliking gender roles also just isn't gender dysphoria to any extent. most trans people would want to abolish all gender roles and stereotypes - habits enforced during youth to fit your AGAB can lead to being clocked, and they make social transition require so much more effort to fit in with other people of your gender. trans people only play into gender roles for safety (so to not be clocked or misgendered). some people who are at a stage where they are far enough along in their transition for others to not clock them when they are GNC, will stray from their gender expectations as gender stereotypes are harmful to everyone.

at the end of the day, your transphobia isn't from a place of concern for trans people (or probably detransitioners for that matter). it's rooted in something else that i can't quite place my finger on but it sounds like a problem personal to you that you'll have to work on in your own time for everyone's benefit including your own.

LMAO you don't even see the irony, do you? of insisting MY issues are "something else" i'm going to have to work out while pretending YOURS are surely a medical condition that requires everyone else to believe you're the other sex? that doesn't give you a hearty chuckle?

because reading comprehension isn't your strong suit, here:

of course i understood you were being sarcastic, i just think you dunked on yourself in your attempt

i never said dysphoria was "hating gender roles." it's not so explicit as that. i said gender roles create the conditions for dysphoria, along with homophobia, misogyny, etc. when we experience the restrictive, oppressive realities of gender roles/homophobia/misogyny, it's BECAUSE of our sexed bodies. women and girls are seen as objects, homosexuals seen as deviant and disgusting because we're SAME SEX attracted, etc. we wouldn't experience these things the same way if we were the other sex, and it's easy to begin to hate OUR SEX because OUR SEX is the thing that "invites" the aforementioned treatment. as a society (and individually) we misinterpret this hatred for our sex AS gender dysphoria, which has a prefabricated story about it readily available. this story suggests that "gender dysphoria is innate and evidence of mismatch between gender-soul and body and can only be corrected through transition." because there's a built-in narrative about the feelings we collectively call gender dysphoria, no one seems very interested in investigating the causes, changing them, or seeing if there are better ways to deal with those feelings. that is a disservice to anyone experiencing those feelings, even you.

if trans people only play into gender roles for safety and to avoid being clocked, what would they do if safety weren't an issue? and moreover, clocked as what? as the sex they are! without gender roles, how would trans people signal to the outside world that they "are" the other sex? without gender stereotypes and roles, we would just see their sex.

#asked #answered #anon #anonymous #radfem #detrans #radical feminism #detransition #gender critical #transgender

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doubleca5t · 2 years

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My new working theory as to why yaoi and/or mlm fandom content is so much more popular than het and especially wlw content of the same type despite the primary audience for fandom being queer women and girls is that yes it's internalized misogyny but like in a very roundabout way that's primarily centered around repression

My theory is that a lot of young women (the people who make up the bulk of fandom) have been taught by society to be afraid of their own sexuality. Maybe it's because they're queer and either closeted and dealing with a lot of internalized homophobia but even cishet female sexuality and desire is so aggressively shamed and policed by society at large. Women aren't supposed to have sexual desire. They're supposed to be pursued not engage in the pursuit. They're supposed to *look* sexy and *act* sexy but they're not supposed to have agency in their sexuality, it's just a performance for a male audience. They're not supposed to want things from sex and dating, they're supposed to want a man who will want things for them. Also men in general just kinda suck a lot of the time so can you really blame young women for not wanting to deal with them? And even if you're not attracted to men, relationships between women are either pornography for consumption by men or ruthlessly shamed for their exclusion of men and refusal to conform to patriarchial standards.

I think for a lot of young women, especially queer women, this results in them feeling ashamed of every sexual desire they have and repressing all those desires extremely hard. But like... those desires are still there, they don't go away. So where do they go? They get projected onto fictional relationships.

But not relationships between a man and a woman, of course. You're looking at fanfiction to escape those relationships. Plus, they've been tainted by all the harmful, misogynist gender roles, and if your fantasies involve anything that might be seen as reminiscent of those roles (like say... a dom/sub relationship) writing a man and a woman together might hit a little too close to home.

It can't be two women either. If you're not attracted to women, there's nothing there for you, and if you *are* attracted to women you won't want to admit that to yourself because you're repressing those desires.

So the only option left is two men. Specifically, one man who is really feminine and submissive and one man who is really masculine and dominant. It's a het relationship dynamic that's been removed a few degrees from heterosexuality to make it less threatening. This is why (as many people have pointed out) the common tropes of mlm fanfic are completely unreflective of real life mlm relationships. It's not meant to be. These aren't stories about gay men, they're the fantasies of women who wish they could have a relationship without having to deal with the many burdens of heterosexuality and the stigma of being wlw.

It's porn for people into whom who society has instilled a fear of their own sexuality.

Obviously I am painting with a broad brush here and not everyone who makes/consumes mlm content is like this but I really do think it's a driving force behind both the popularity of this content and many of the recurring tropes and themes.

#doubleca5t oc

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kirishoshego · 3 years

Text

Confidental Composition//Bakugo

!!!MINORS DNI!!! 18+ONLY !!!

This is the first part of my little 'Teachers Pet Series' (I will add the link once I got all parts covered and the right ideas).

Summary: A simple task fucked up late at night as you send the wrong version of a piece of homework to your English literature teacher Mister Bakugo. Of course, he would want to see you after class the next day. But not for the reasons you might think. Pairing: Docent!Bakugo x afab!student!y/n // Words: 4.2k+ Side note: Insert a friend or random name you want for X :)

TW: nsfw: slow burn (sorry), spanking with a ruler, hair pulling, being bend over a desk, calling him sir, spitting, choking, dirty talk, degrading, slight praise

„Write an essay about the worst description of a woman or coitus. In the essay, explain why it is bad and then rewrite it. At least 30 pages, max. 60 pages (sources and any other extras you please to include, excluded). Due Date: 8 weeks from now on, 35% worth of your end grade. Questions can be asked per E-Mail, or, if you must, I’m free every Wednesday afternoon for meetings strictly for this essay and this essay only.“

A sigh left your lips as you starred at the piece of paper for the tenth time today ever since he handed it out to you and your classmates. The options you had were endless, you knew so many bad pieces about both topics and could write more than 100 pages about them as well. Everyone in class you talked to had decided on their topic already, some were even further. It was X who told you to just write the topics on a piece of paper and let fate do its work.

Black ink on a badly ripped blue note decided that you were going to write about a sex scene. Just now that you thought about it, rewriting something like that for your professor to read was an awfully stupid idea, yet you decided to listen to a small piece of paper.

At first, you were going to go with Fifty Shades of Grey but you felt like the choice was chewed up and spat out. It took you three days to finally decide on a book and once you settled there was no turning back. Considering your ignited interest in this topic you weren’t surprised when you were done within the first four weeks. Knowing the editing is going to take another week, maybe even a week and a half, you decided to take a small break, just one or two days off. On your second day, you decided to visit the new coffee shop that had just opened up around the corner.

Never had you expected to see your professor near your living spot. You were about to greet him when you noticed his pissed-off expression on his face and only now did you spot the woman behind him. She grabbed his arm and made him turn on the relatively small and empty street.

„Suki you can’t be serious,“ she was angry and hurt, while he seemed to be angry and annoyed. Not much of a difference than to how you see him on the daily, to be honest. „Are you fucking stupid? Of course, I’m fucking god damn serious. It was your choice to cheat on me and now I choose to throw you on the streets where you apparently belong, go ask one of your little boy toys to take you in for all I care,“ you were frozen in place, not entirely sure what to do. Right now your eyes were glued on his chest that was clad in a tight, black pullover, rising up and down heavily as his nostrils were flared caused by his anger. „Because you gave me no choice! If you like that sort of weird, rough shit then paddle your own canoe! I need something soft and tender-,“ before she could finish her sentence he laughed. Cold and slightly maniac in a way.

„Then get some fucking chicken! If you don’t like how I’m in bed then break up with me and piss off but don’t send my best friend a nude to ask him to come over. Even a ten-year-old would see how stupid that is,“at that moment your eyes met. His eyebrows were furled together, red eyes expression furry and disgust. Blond hair usually styled like he was going to be on the cover of Vogue, like he had been before, now slightly messy. Plump lips slightly apart to let his teeth shine through slightly before wetting them with his tongue. Your eyes widened and before you knew what you were doing you waved at him, making him cock his eyebrows in confusion for a second before noticing it was you who he was looking at. Turning on your heels you walked past busy crowds of people as you walked back home, trying to understand what you had just seen and why your angry professor had turned you on more than anyone had done before.

It was a stupid idea to ditch the next teaching unit of his but you had absolutely no clue how you were going to look at him. You knew teachers had a private life themselves, but never would you have guessed that you would run into one of them in your small area. As far as you knew he lived across town according to the very, very few private stories he had shared in magazines.

„Dear Professor,

down below is my finished project as an attachment in form of a PDF. I know you request it to be printed as well and I had planned to hand it in today, but sadly I came down with the flu. I’m looking forward to attending your next unit in the following week.

Have a nice week,

Y/N Y/L/N“

Maybe he had forgotten that you were there already and you were worrying too much about it. You were his student, nothing more, nothing less. Bakugo could care less about you, right? The flu did go around a lot right now, so it wouldn’t be completely unthinkable that you were sick. Itching eyes signaled you that it was time to go to bed now, so you closed your laptop and went to bed, not knowing what the next day will hold for you.

X had waited for you at the main entrance the next day to give you all the information you might need and ask why you weren’t there, considering it was obvious that you had the flu for one day only. At first, you were hesitant to explain what you had witnessed, it was messy already and you doubt Mister Bakugo would want the fight to go viral at his workplace. „Just one of those days you know? I had my mind completely full and felt like crap,“ that was the best excuse you could come up with, a white little lie that wouldn’t harm anyone. „Glad to see you’re doing- Oh, hello Professor,“ X smiled at someone behind you. There was no need to turn around to know who it was, the scent of his very expensive and extremely beguiling perfume clouding your mind. „Hello,“ his gruff voice greeted your friend shortly as you turned around, met with his muscular chest. You didn’t expect him to be so close to you, but here you were, tilting your head slightly as you looked up to him through your lashes, feeling not just your cheeks growing hot. „Good morning Sir,“ your voice sounded a lot more confident than you were feeling. Bakugo clenched his fist around the fake leather of his bag, his red eyes starring right into your soul as you had no chance of escaping whatever was going to happen next. „Miss Y/L/N, just the person I was looking for,“ fuck. „You were?“ X and you said at the same time, but your friend decided to excuse themself after a single glare from the older man. „How may I help you, Professor?“ You asked after swallowing down the anxious feeling that threatened to rise. „I received your Mail yesterday, with the PDF,“ okay, why did he search you just to tell you he got your assignment? Was it that bad? „But I’m relatively sure that it was the wrong one, considering I doubt that you want your teacher to know that 'this shit is so bad, but I wouldn’t mind being bent over a writing desk like that' with a smirking emoji at the end,“ only when his finger pushed your chin upwards gently you noticed that it was agape, shame filling every molecule in your body as you already planned your escape out of this country. Nobody was near you to see the weirdly intimidating scene happening between you and your teacher.

„Also I know you didn’t have the flu. I don’t appreciate being lied to. Tomorrow five p.m. in my office, don’t be late or you will get in more trouble. Send me the actual version tonight so I can grade it. I won’t let something as unprofessional as this slide again, understood?“ You nodded, taking in all of the information given to you, and somewhat in all of this mess felt thankful that he was giving you a second chance. The man in front of you rolled his eyes and clicked his tongue, ordering you to speak up. „Yes Sir, thank you,“ you sounded more confident than you felt inside. „Good,“ was all Bakugo said before he turned around, leaving you behind in the big hall dumbfounded and confused… And horny.

As if Chronos himself felt immense joy in your misery, minutes appeared to be hours and the panic inside of you only grew the closer you came to five in the afternoon. You tried everything, watching a show, listening to podcasts and audiobooks, reading a book you had put of for so long, went outside, cooked something, worked on another assignment, stopped yourself from destroying your hair, made the phone call you so desperately had put off and it’s still only ten p.m on the same day. How was that even possible? As you laid in bed you tossed and turned, the thought of your really hot teacher all angry, breathing heavily, his hands roaming your body. It was hard to pinpoint exactly when those thoughts turned into a very lucid dream, but when you woke up in the morning, already an hour too late to your first period, all you wanted to do was scream into your pillow.

Considering first class is canceled, you wanna go grab breakfast? X texted you.

Canceled? Checking your mails you saw your teacher had sent out a mail, excusing themselves and explaining they came down with the flu. A blessing in disguise. You let X know that you would meet up at the building and go grab something near it. Once agreed, you took a quick shower, a moment of peace given to you as water hit your body. There was no way you could do anything between your last class and the meeting with Professor Bakugo, so you tried to look your best possible for the next upcoming hours.

Suddenly time flew by and the closer you got the more you begged for a little bit more time, for him to postpone it, anything. But no, here you were, five minutes early and looking around to spot the blond man with no luck. „Miss Y/L/N. Step inside,“ you jumped slightly as his voice boomed up behind you, not expecting him to be in the office already.

Once you walked inside you were stunned about how clean everything was, no matter where you looked it was neat. His books were sorted alphabetically with marks between them to let him know when a new letter began. As far as you could tell he used cherry wood for his pieces of furniture, a big, black carpet in a corner underneath a small seating area, and some books placed on the table. Even his paperwork was stacked in order. Big glass windows allowed the evening sun to fall into the room, its warmness kissing your skin while you were seated in front of him, a big writing desk between the two of you, on it your work.

It was quiet for a short moment, before he leaned back in his chair, red eyes mustering you up and down which didn’t help at all. „What would you like to talk about first? Your assignment or the fact that you lied to me?“ Why was he so bothered by your lie? You knew plenty of students calling in sick every once in a while even though they aren’t. „I apologize for both of it. It shouldn’t have happened and I learned from my mistake,“ you were hoping that it would ease his anger a little bit but he seemed more worked up than usual. „Although I don’t understand why you are so angry at me for it? Plenty students lie-,“ „Yes, but they aren’t stupid enough to make it so obvious,“ he interrupted you. „I could care less about who’s missing my class, it’s their fault in the end if they decide learning is unnecessary. However you are one of my top students, I expected better from you. You could have excused yourself with no explanation. But you chose to add the feeble lie about being sick for what?“

You took in a deep breath, feeling as if another lie would be caught immediate, so you had no other choice but to tell him the real reason: „I heard the fight you had with the woman you were with, in the café, and I didn’t know how to react when I see you in your class,“ there was a small moment where he looked honestly confused before something clicked in his brain. „So it was you who I saw. What did you hear?“ „I can’t really rem-,“ „One more lie and I will lose my temper, don’t test me,“ shit, why was he turning you on so much right now. He’s your teacher for god’s sake and angry at you, this wasn’t the right time. „That she doesn’t agree with certain things in your private life,“ „Like?“ he knew you tried to talk around it, yet he wanted you to talk about, to see you embarrassed again, he liked that look on you. „The way you fuck,“ it was said before your brain could even comprehend the words, another apology laying at the tip of your tongue but his next question cut you off before you could say something else. „Why were you there in the first place? I’ve been there a few times and never saw you or any other student,“ he explained. „Because I live close by?“ It sounded more defiantly than you had wanted, causing your opponent to cock his eyebrow.

„I feel like you’re forgetting who’s the authority figure here,“ he walked up to his door, locking it before coming back. Now he was right in front of you, slightly sitting on his desk and the sleeves of his button-up shirt pushed up a little. „No sir, I’m sorry,“ „You see, the problem is, I don’t really believe you,“ with that he pulled you up, bodies pressed against each other, letting you feel his toned torso while the muscles in his arms flexed slightly.

„You lied to me once already, I think I have to teach you a lesson,“ everything happened so fast and you suddenly found yourself face down on his desk with his hand between your shoulder blades, the other one grabbing his wooden ruler. „If I recall correctly this is what you wanted right?“ His voice was low, slightly above a whisper as his upper body was pressed against your back while he pulled a few hair strands from your face. „Yes, but Professor I don’t think this is a good idea,“ your inner voice yelled at you, saying this was the best idea ever, angry that you possibly ruined your dreams coming true.

„Tell me to stop and I will do so immediately. Your choice. There will be no consequences if you worry about that,“ he reassured you, waiting for you to get up and run, but you didn’t and the current position allowed him to feel you clench your legs. „So?“ He asked again, the ruler in his hand basically burning with the anticipation of hitting your skin. „No, don't stop,“ you breathed, awaiting his next move.

„Good,“ with that he exposed your raised ass, your underwear the only thing between your bare skin and the wood that came down upon it, one foot raising in the air because of the sudden pain. „From now on if you say stop I won’t listen, you will tell me how you feel through colors. If it’s too much you tell me red and I will drop everything, understood?“ Another spank was delivered to the same spot.

„Yes,“ another one. You weren’t sure if he hit harder or if your skin turned more sensitive with every blow.

„It’s sir to you,“ you could feel him lunge out but shortly before the ruler came down he stoped, laughing slightly at your small jump.

„Yes sir,“ another one.

„You’re going to apologize every time my ruler paints your cute ass even redder, got it?“ You nodded your head, a moan escaping the back of your throat as he spanked you yet again.

„One more thing, be a good girl and stay quiet, wouldn’t wanna get caught now do we?“ He knew it was going to be torture for you to follow his order the more he continued and in a way he wanted you to fail. There was so much build-up inside of him and it appears that you were willing enough for him to use you as he pleased. That’s why you were his favorite. Bakugo knew what he was doing was wrong and he never expected to feel this way for one of his students but forbidden fruit tastes the best.

You stopped counting after the seventh blow, sorries, sirs and small whimpers fall from your lips as if they were your whole vocabulary. At one point you started crying, tears mixed with mascara running down your cheeks. He tried to remember something that turned him on more than the sight of your messed-up body with no luck. Everything build up inside of him, everything itching in his hands, the inner desires he had to soften for his ex, it all was going to come down on you. His thick girth twitched at the simple thought of finally being surrounded by your dripping wet cunt.

A warm soft hand rubbed over your bruised flesh while the other one found its way into your hair to pull you up to him, your back arched.

„What are you sorry for?“ Your mind was clouded with pleasure and pain, the only thought right now was the feeling of his dick print right between your sore cheeks. „I asked my little bitch a question, I expect you to fucking answer,“ this time he spanked you with his hand but it was just as intense as his ruler. „I don’t know,“ you breathed, a soft moan slipping out of you when his thumb barely circled your throbbing clit. „You’re just apologizing because you want me to use you?“ You could hear him chuckle lowly before he pushed your underwear to the side, his middle finger now playing with you. „Yes sir,“ Katsuki couldn’t hear a single ounce of shame in your voice and he wondered how long you had been thinking about him like this before.

„I never expected you to be such a dumb, cock hungry whore,“ The sound of his belt hitting the floor was dull like it was far away from you but at the same time, you felt him closer than before. Strong hands around your waist turned you around and once again he lifted your head with his finger underneath your chin, studying your ruined make-up as if he was memorizing every little detail he never wanted to forget. The blond, muscular man lifted you with ease, your behind getting a small moment of cooling as it hit his wooden desk.

Bakugo dried your tears slightly with his thumb, smearing it even more. „Only for you,“ you whispered and in that moment he couldn’t stop himself, he just had to kiss you. Not sweet and gentle, but passionately and hungry, like he was poisoned and your kiss was the antidote. The hand behind your head traveling to the front as you were laid down completely.

„If I had known before I would have fucked you so much sooner,“ with one hard thrust he was buried deep inside of you, one hand over your mouth because he knew you wouldn’t be able to keep quiet and the other one around your throat, squeezing shut and watching you struggle against it slightly. Your professor was thicker than what you were used to and you didn’t know how good it would feel until now. With the first few snaps of his hips, you knew you never wanted to feel something else anymore.

Your hands went to his arms and you tugged on them, causing him to let go as the blood found its way back to your brain. „Color?“ he asked, afraid you weren’t able to handle him. „Green,“ was all you could get out before another moan cut off your ability to talk.

„Good girl,“ he whispered into your ear, kissing down from your earlobe to your shoulder before sucking on a rather sensitive spot. Both of your wrists were held over your head with his left hand, with the explanation that he doesn’t appreciate being stopped while using you however he pleased. The right hand was going from between your chest after he admired your bouncing tits thoroughly, to your stomach to connect with your most sensitive bundle of nerves. Bakugo switched from circles to eights, from fast to slow, but the harshness of his hips never haltered.

„I know you wanna scream right now, but I can’t allow that. Can’t let others hear what a dirty slut you are for me right now. I promise I will fuck you in my house if you behave now. You can moan my name as much as you want. Or maybe I will gag you, watch you drool all over yourself. Maybe I will tie you up and edge you for an hour straight until you’re begging me to fuck you, you like the sound of that, huh? I can feel you squeezing around me,“ another chuckle left his plump lips as he watched you struggle to stay up on your feet.

„Maybe I will let you choke on my dick while I work on something for the next lesson. Gonna use you as my little cum dump. Let you think about it again when I talk about it in front of the whole class. Do-,“ you were so close when a sudden knock on the door startled you both, but he never once stopped what he was doing, if anything he went even harder, whispering into your ear to be quiet for him.

„Hey Kat, your ex is outside and says she wants to talk, want me to send her in?“ It was the psychologist professor Shinso, his voice as done and deep as usual. „No, I’m occupied,“ Bakugo saw your mouth open after you fought so hard against it, he couldn’t let you moan, not right now. He did the first thing he could think of, spitting into it and watching you swallow. Oh, he would definitely film you do this with his cum covering you everywhere and the thought brought him slightly closer to his release. „Still grading papers huh? I don’t get where you got all of that energy from,“ his voice was blurred out by Bakugo whispering into your ear. „Do you want me to tell you what we're doing right now? Let him know I’m fucking my little toy stupid right now?“ And while you were shaking your head no it was the last straw for you and you found yourself grabbing his hand to put over your mouth, biting your lips until you tasted blood to muffle the scream you couldn’t stop. Bakugo cursed under his breath when he could feel you throbbing around his dick and your nails digging into his arm. „Tell her to leave me the fuck alone, she’s already forgotten,“ his voice sounded strained and you knew he was close as well. „Ah, I see. Well then have fun,“ his laugh was fading away the further he went.

„Can’t believe that made you cum, you’re even more perfect than I thought, such a dirty girl, tsk,“ both his hands are on your hips and he pulled your body against him with every thrust. You were still coming down from your orgasm when you felt his thrusts turning sloppy before he stopped completely, his dick now pulsing while he was holding you tightly. Breath uneven and getting stable on his feet again he turned you around, careful so he wouldn’t hurt you.

„Next time I gonna make sure you can’t walk but right now I need you to be able to leave the building,“ he pulled his pants back up and added: „Sadly,“ before walking around his desk.

It was still hard for you to stand so you sat down, wincing as the usually soft cushion now felt like thousand of tiny spikes on your bruised ass. Before you pull your bottoms up again he grabbed your wrist and pulled you up, once again with a stern expression on his face you were so familiar with.

„I apparently really fucked you stupid if you think I let you leave like this,“ having him put cooling cream on your bare bum felt more intimate than having him be balls deep inside you. „Sorry I just thought-,“ „Well, you thought wrong. I don’t know what kind of boys you had in the past but now that you have me there are going to be changes, got that?“

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rin-itoshi · 3 years

Text

kisses . genshin impact (pt. 2)

> summary: places the genshin boys kiss you other than the lips (ft. bennett, chongyun, razor, xiao, xingqiu, zhongli)

> content: fluff , gn!reader , ooc(?idk)

here’s part one!

# BENNETT

where: your palm!

why: this man does not know how to stfu, so when you have to forcefully shush him, your palm is the best spot for his lips to kiss.

“It’s awfully quiet today,” you murmured as you turned on your heels, hearing the whirlwind of a boy coming your way. He nearly tumbled—so close to crashing at your feet but fortunately caught himself before he could hit the ground. He stood up straight, dusting his clothes with a breathy laugh before yelping out a pained, “Ow!”

“What happened?” You ask as you reach out to cup his face, checking his head and skin for any injuries.

The male chuckled with a closed eyed smile, “I got hit by a rock!” His voice echoed within the city, making you slightly cringe when your ears ached. He was quick to go off on a tangent, babbling about some nonsense that made you even more confused than before.

“Bennett,” you call out to grasp his attention. The moment he turned your way, you slapped a hand over his mouth with an amused smile. “I know you’re excited and want to talk, but we should move away from the Knights of Favonius headquarters before Captain Kaeya kills us.”

He kissed your palm gently, eliciting a ticklish sensation in your hand that made you pull away. Before you could do anything about his sneaky kisses, he grabbed your hand and began dragging you away, talking about some adventure team he was putting together.

# CHONGYUN

where: your shoulders!

why: he likes the smoothness of your shoulder when he lays down behind you and can rest easily without being judged.

The bedroom door creaked open to reveal the blue haired male who stood in the doorway with a pensive look on his face. Upon seeing you lying in your shared bed, he exhaled deeply and you could practically see relief wash over is features. “[y/n],” he breathed out as he shuffled into the room, scurrying over the bed to climb onto the silk sheets and lay himself in the spot behind you.

He wrapped his arms around your waist, pulling your body into his chest as gently as possible. As hesitant as he was, he was way too tired to be reluctant about holding you even thought you clearly felt the same need for touch as him. “’m so tired.”

After a long day of training, he was exhausted and was in desperate need of your touch in order to replenish the energy he had depleted earlier that day. It was only much better now that you were both living together and were able to cuddle as much as needed after work.

“Welcome home, my love.”

He buried his face in the crook of your neck, doing his absolute best to push away the strong emotions that burned inside of his heart. He refused to flare-up in front of you ever again, but with you unknowingly doing things to stir him up, he was always struggling to keep calm.

Peppering kisses along your shoulders, you felt a shiver run down your spine at the cold sensation of his lips on your skin. It was a blissful feeling, warming up your heart with love despite how cold his body truly was. Too beautiful.

# RAZOR

where: your eyelids!

why: this one may sound weird but he just gets curious when he keeps watch and tends to do it without a thought.

Razor stood tall at the peak of the mountain that you both temporarily resided on. His chin was held high, chest puffed out with a sense of responsibility flowing through his veins at the thought of watching over you while you slept to keep you out of harms way. It wasn’t necessarily a demanding duty but for you, it meant a thousand times more than it usually would have.

The boy approached your sleeping body. You were rested on the ground under his jacket that barely shielded you from the cold weather tonight presented to you both. He gently tugged his jacket further up your body, covering your arm that had been slightly exposed.

You were cute like this, sleeping so peacefully with so much trust in the guy who could barely communicate yet you loved him so much. It was amazing.

Subconsciously, he bent down and placed a chaste kiss on your eyelid. You stirred in your sleep, forcing him to jolt away in surprise before settling when you murmured something sleepily, smiled and then relaxed. Your behavior was new to him and yet, it brought so many different feelings into his heart. Unknowing to you, he smiled genuinely and patted your head gently.

“You rest. I keep watch.”

# XIAO

where: your forehead!

why: he just thinks it is less embarrassing than trying to kiss you on the lips openly + less chances of him getting denied the kiss.

His expression was rather dark as you stood in front of one another. It looked like he was thinking deeply about something but you brushed it off, assuming it was just his way of sulking since you two were about to split for the night.

“I packed you some Almond Tofu, so you can eat some on your way back. I also got you a jacket to wear since it might be a little cold in the evening. I know you don’t sleep and stuff, so I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” Your rambling about his well-being wasn’t new to him, which is why he didn’t interrupt you. He watched with the same dark expression that seemed scary but if you looked closely, you would see just how soft those eyes had become after spending so much time with a “mere human” like you.

Grasping you by the back of you head, he pulled you forward and leaned in briskly, kissing your forehead softly before pulling away and turning around. You barely had a second to recover as he adjusted his mask on his face and disappeared from your sight, muttering nothing but a simple, “be careful.”

You smiled at the tingling sensation on you skin, knowing he had only escaped to avoid feeling any type of emotion after kissing you so brazenly. As mean as Xiao seemed, he really was a simpleton with you.

# XINGQIU

where: the back of your hand!

why: do i have to explain?

“Xingqiu, where are we going?” You asked with a tired smile on your lips as you allowed yourself to be dragged along this upward slope with no set destination in mind. The boy simply laughed, pulling you faster until you were nearly tripping over your own feet. By the time you had planned to complain once more, he came to an abrupt stop and you almost bumped into his body if it wasn’t for your quick senses. “Where are we?”

“Take a look, my liege. Quite fascinating, is it not?” He said as he took a seat on the branch perched on the top of the hill, big enough for the two of them to sit on. You plopped beside him, admiring the sun that was beginning to set while Xingqiu opened a book to the page he had left off on.

“My life seems fulfilled when I am sat here with a book in my hands and you by my side. Don’t you agree?” HIs words were sincere, surprisingly void of that mischievous tone he usually had these days.

“I’m not particularly fond of books like you, but I am extremely fond of you. So, yes, I do agree.” You said with a cheesy smile, leaning in his direction. The boy abruptly stood up, and you rose an eyebrow in confusion.

Bending his body slightly, he held out his hand to you until you placed yours on top of his. Once you did so, he pressed his lips to the back of your hand and flashed you an easy smile. “With this, I owe my life to you, my liege. A vow much greater than marriage.”

# ZHONGLI

where: your lips!

why: I legit couldn’t think of a non-lips spot so i gave up. mans just likes the way your lips taste like his favorite wine. two good things.

He admired his cup with bright eyes, absolute taken with the way it tasted on his tongue and hadn’t changed in all these years. It was a beautiful emotion that was a mixture of happiness and nostalgia, plus a bit of romance considering he was here with the one he loved.

“What do you think?” Zhongli asked, eyes full of curiosity as he turned in your direction. You hadn’t said anything all night and he assumed you weren’t enjoying the wine he had presented to you so happily.

On contrary, it was way too good to be wasted, so you chose to drink it slowly in order to savor the beautiful taste that somehow reminded you of Zhongli himself. Maybe it was because he talked about this wine too much.

“It tastes good,” you murmur, leaning into his side to gain a bit of warmth from the male who shared the emotion, leaning into your touch.

You glanced up at him, smiling softly when you already saw his eyes on you. “Stop staring so impolitely. Where are your manners?” You asked jokingly, giggling softly when Zhongli looked down and chuckled.

Leaning in, he cupped your cheek and smashed your lips together. He could taste the Osmanthus wine on you and it nearly made him melt into the kiss that he had long suppressed.

When he pulled away, a small smile settled into his lips, satisfaction in his eyes. “Osmanthus wine tastes the same as I remember.”

a/n: finally, I finished it. im going to bed now uhhdhfjf (idk if i’ll ever do other characters but we’ll see)

#bennett x reader #chongyun x reader #razor x reader #xiao x reader #xinqiu x reader #zhongli x reader #genshin impact x reader #xingqiu #genshin impact #bennett #genshin #razor #xiao #genshin fluff #chongyun #zhongli

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mara-xx217 · 3 years

Note

Pokes head

May I request Michael being a possessive daddy and fighting a killer who hurt his girlfriend ? It can be anyway you like 💙

Why of course you can~ This isn’t based in Dbd, but the normal world. Hope you don’t mind!

Possessive, Protective Mikey

You were like some sort of disease to Michael. Or, perhaps, a parasite was a better descriptor of how you affected him. You wormed your way into him, deep into his chest, right beside his cold, soulless heart. You made him… feel, regardless of what that actually meant, it was beyond unacceptable in his eyes. That warm, painful throbbing in his chest was more than distracting, it was nauseating, disturbing. Terrifying… In a sick, twisted, wrong way, you terrified the Shape of Haddonfield. Michael fucking Myers was absolutely terrified of a small, defenseless creature that was completely helpless against the evil and cruelty he wielded against the world. He should kill you a hundred thousand times over for this transgression! But… it wouldn’t make him feel any better. He only… feels more empty every time your cheeks are stained with tears. Cold. Dead. Michael would feel dead without you…

This isn’t the first time he’s caught someone hurting you. It’s happened many, many times over, and his reaction has ranged from blinded rage to searing hatred. Not just for the one harming you, but towards you, yourself. It was that lack of control that drove Michael insane. He couldn’t watch you 24/7, couldn’t always follow you around or know where you were at any given moment… It drove him fucking crazy, and he took that frustration out on not just the asshole unfortunate enough to have crossed paths with you, but onto you, as well.

But, even that was quickly losing its luster to him. Michael had thought that hurting you would bring him some sort of fulfillment, like it has always done in the past when he had hurt others. It never has, though. Sure, he’s lied to himself, trying desperately to convince himself that seeing you all small, all scared and teary-eyed brought him a measure of enjoyment, to have your blood on his hands, to have you groveling in terror before him- but it didn’t. It- He- Michael felt… not good, when that happened. You made him… stop to consider how his actions would affect you, and he hated that.

Michael despises that you’re a magnet for trouble. That you just can’t seem to stay the hell away from people that want to do you harm. Sure, he doesn’t mind killing them. Quite the opposite, in fact, he rather enjoys seeing them covered in their own blood, begging for their pathetic lives before he mercilessly snuffs them out. No, Michael hates that you get hurt in the first place. The only one that should ever have the right to put their hands on you was him! Him, and him alone. Anyone else would be destroyed.

Some wannabe serial killer punk had set his eyes on you. Luckily for you, Michael knew better than to leave you to your own devices, anymore. He caught the little bastard scoping out your home before you had any idea of the danger you were in. He’d make sure that, this time, he’d be in complete control of the situation. You won’t be hurt, but that idiot thinking that he can do as he pleases? He’s going to regret the day he was born…

Sitting in your kitchen, you drank what must be your fifth coffee of the night. Strange things were happening, and it left you unable and unwilling to sleep at night. Rustling outside your windows, the sound of someone possibly jimmying your doors and windows, looking for a possible way in… Muddy footprints on your porch and small, dead animals left on your door mat… It was becoming too much. You’re… pretty sure it wasn’t Michael. He did love to torment you, but this wasn't really his thing. He was much more… direct, with his approach to you. This… this was someone else…

Pinching the bridge of your nose, you rub your eyes, feeling them water involuntarily from how dry they were. Anxiously, you tap your fingers on the top of the counter, before sighing heavily and grabbing your coffee mug. You decided to make your way to the living room, thinking that some TV would help calm your nerves and get your mind off of things. Fuck, I’m exhausted… You thought bitterly as you crashed onto the couch, nearly spilling lukewarm coffee all over yourself.

Picking up the remote, you absentmindedly flipped through channels, not really wanting to watch anything. It was just something else to focus on, rather than the impending sense of dread that was washing over you. This feeling was one that you were well acquainted with: the feeling of being watched. Your heart was pounding in your chest and your palms were slick with sweat. Slowly, you sit up, clumsily placing your mug on the table in front of you. The hairs on your entire body stood on end. Something’s not right here…

As you begin to rise off the couch, a firm hand pushes you back down into a sitting position. Your heart jumped up into your throat. You’re very familiar with Michael’s hands, and the one still gripping your shoulder was much, much smaller than his… Short, shaky breaths escaped through your clenched teeth. Fuck..! Oh shit- Oh my God no no no-! You don’t dare to move, only stare straight ahead at nothing as your mind runs wild with possibilities. Who the hell is it?! How did they get in?! Why me?! Where the fuck is Michael when I fucking need him?!?

The intruder sucks in a deep breath, as though he’s about to say something, but instead yelps in surprise as he’s ripped away from you suddenly and violently. You gasp, shooting up and scrambling across the room, back peddling into an opposing corner. Curling in on yourself, you crumple onto the floor, watching the brutality unfolding before you through the cracks of your fingers.

Michael had thrown the intruder back, sending him crashing into a mostly bare bookshelf, breaking most of the shelves along with it. You cringe and jump, feeling your insides twist and revolt against you. Michael drops to the floor, straddling the winded, smaller man as he desperately tries to fight back. Vainly. It was laughable, really. The idiot didn’t stand a chance against the human incarnation of evil, itself.

Michael briefly debated on playing with his food. There was something about seeing them crawl and beg that really set him off, but when he glanced at you over his shoulder, in the fetal position and hyperventilating, he actually decided against it. It was getting under his skin seeing you like this, and the quicker this is… inconvenience is dealt with, the quicker things will be back to normal. Well, to Michael’s fucked up definition of the word “normal”, that is.

With a quick stab to the back of his neck, the intruder was killed. Normally, Michael would have painted the walls with this creep’s blood, but he decided that it would be too much of a pain in the ass to clean up. With a flick of his wrist, Michael twists and pulls out the blade, wiping the excess blood onto the back of his victim’s shirt. He looks back over to you, and sees you stiffen. His… Huh. His chest actually hurts…

With a heavy sigh, he stands, stepping over the dead body as he makes his way over to you. A major part of you was beyond terrified. Is he gonna hurt me..? Oh- Oh God..! I’m gonna- I’m- I’m gonna..! You were trembling, shaking so hard that your teeth were actually chattering audibly. Michael’s eye twitched. He was conflicted: one part of him loved that you were this scared of him, as you should be, but the other… the other hated it. He- Well, he wanted… something, but he just didn’t know what. Fingers twitching, he reached out to you, struggling to ignore how you froze as he slowly approached you.

You really thought that he was going to grab you by the hair and drag you off to the bedroom, so when his fingertips just barely brushed the top of your head, moving the hair from your face, you were, well… at a bit of a loss. Michael has never, ever been that gentle while touching you. Ever. You raise your head slightly, just enough so that you could see him. He still had that damn mask on, of course, and his body language hardly betrayed what he was thinking or feeling, but- You couldn’t deny that his fingers were trembling ever so slightly.

He slowly crouches in front of you, treating you as though you're some kind of animal that will either bolt at the slightest movement or go for his jugular, or something like that. You don’t move or speak, unsure of what he was doing. When he placed his hand where that stalker touched you, gently- carefully squeezing your shoulder as though you were made of glass, you… you relaxed.

You could tell that he was struggling to be gentle, with how his fingers twitched uncontrollably and the pressure of his fingertips varied. You looked up to him, then down at his chest as an odd warmth spread through your cheeks. Michael was extremely possessive over you. He hated it when you interacted with anyone else, especially other men. But, right now, even though another man had touched you, he wasn’t flying off the handle like he usually did. He was still extraordinarily pissed off that he had given the bastard just enough time to physically touch you, but it was remedied.

He was fucking dead, and you were still here. You were his and his alone. That wasn’t called into question. There was no dispute. Michael Myers is the only person that is ever allowed to touch you. You’ve come to accept this, and slowly but surely, you’re even beginning to enjoy his touch. As sick and messed up as it was, you’ve started to develop feelings for him, despite the fact that he made your life a living hell. If anything, you knew that no one would hurt you ever again. No one, except for him.

#Halloween #Michael Myers #Michael Myers x reader #og michael myers

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aro-is-gay-af · 3 years

Text

The Midnight of Despair | Volturi Kings x fem!reader | Part 2

Part 1 | Part 3

I advise you to read it first, as this post is the continuation.

Yeah, there will be Part 3 for sure. As usual, sorry for gramatical confusion and/or any mistakes.

Love you all, thank you for 100 (!) notes under Part 1.

Warnings: Rape, Depression, PTSD, Swear words, Forced Pregnancy

Word count: 6768

Summary: [Y/N] and Bella are childhood friends. They were always there for each other. [Y/N] had tough times and struggles with everyday life. Bella faces depression after Edward had left her. [Y/N] tries to get her going and alive. One day [Y/N] is raped and gets pregnant with the rapist. Not long after that it turns out that Edward got himself into the mess with Volturi. [Y/N], even traumatized and in pieces, will not let Bella go without her supervision to Italy. What is going to happen when [Y/N] will stay at Volterra? Is she really predestined to be Kings’ mate? Is she going to have her baby or abort the pregnancy? Will the trauma go away or is she going to struggle for a long time?

ENJOY!

You tried not to break your eye contact with Aro, as it made you unusually calm and on place. As soon as you walked through the door to the throne room you felt almost like at home. You knew it would take some time to get used to the new place, especially a place like this, though, you didn't find it repulsive or frightening.

You sat down in the chair that Aro had pulled out for you. It was a little gesture but it made you a little less weirded out. Now, that you were alone with three kings, you were not as relaxed as you might have thought you’ll be, for your legs were trembling with exertion.

It wasn’t a surprise, though. You’ve barely eaten, been up on your feet since you got off the plane and through all day long, you were strongly convinced it was your last day on Earth. On top of this, you’ve just allowed Aro to touch your hand and then kiss it. You were certain that if it was for any other person, you wouldn’t be so willing to do so.

Aro took a seat opposite to you, whereas Marcus and Caius sat, probably, on their usual seats, not that far from you both. You were tired, but confident that some things needed to be established as soon as possible. You understood this perfectly. Also, even though Alice told you about basic things, you still were oblivious to most information.

“You have impressed me with your declaration” it was Caius who started the conversation. You looked directly at him.

“I’m not stupid, nor suicidal” you said, trying to remain as calm as possible. “At least, not anymore” you admitted, your upset tone impossible to miss. Caius tilted his head, eyeing you carefully.

“While on the plane, Alice told me briefly about basics,” you said. Seeing their stares, you rolled your eyes. “Yes, she also explained to me the laws. I knew this trip would’ve only two possible endings for me.”

Aro had known about this prior, but Marcus and Caius looked taken aback, to say at least.

“You knew you’d probably die and still came here?” it was Marcus who asked. It was a weird experience, even if you’d known him only for a few moments, to see such an authentic interest in his behaviour.

You nodded and smiled.

“Sure I did. Bella’s stupid ass didn’t give me another choice” you chuckled. Caius smiled again with that creepy smile, which he also had on his face while in the throne room.

“Stop that, brother” Aro scolded him lightly. “We don’t want to frighten [Y/N].”

Caius only rolled his eyes.

“You are familiar with the fact that I am as old as you, brother?” he asked Aro mockingly, sprawling comfortably in his chair. “There’s no need to scold me like I’m a child.”

Aro frowned.

“Yes, brother, I am certainly familiar with this. But nonetheless, you should be more gentle when it comes to [Y/N].”

Even though you’d been tired, somehow kings’ presence had risen your spirits. Also, it was quite funny to see them mock themselves like this.

“Can I say something?” you asked, visibly amused by their behaviour. You've relaxed a little and only then you felt how tired you really were.

“Of course, cara” said Marcus, who didn’t exactly talk much until now. All of them were looking at you, curious about what you wanted to say.

You smiled shyly, not being accustomed to receive so much attention at once.

“I don’t know if it’s normal but I’m not exactly…afraid of you? I guess I’m mostly curious. I wasn’t… concerned while we were heading here. Like, at all” you admitted, trying your best to find words, which would suit your emotions.

Three of them were listening very carefully, even Aro, who had already known your thoughts.

“Alice wasn’t trying to scare me, but I felt that she was extremely cautious when it came to your coven. Bella also was exaggerating with drama and I…” you immediately felt sick and couldn’t end the sentence. You were happy to maybe die? You were happy to have something to think about, other than rape? To think about something different than this unwanted child?

It was as they felt the change in your mood. You saw Aro wanted to touch you but restrained himself from doing so. Marcus’s expression was calm but you actually thought, he was being beyond emotional about this. And Caius…he looked genuinely concerned.

You smiled sadly, as none of them said anything.

“I’m not exactly aware of how this mating bond thing works, but that’s probably the reason” you said quietly, with insecurity so overwhelming that you couldn’t look at the kings anymore. Instead, you embraced your knees with yours arms and glanced at your feet resting on the edge of your chair.

You tried hard not to cry. You weren’t weak, you weren’t unstable. You were harmed in the most brutal way and you knew, it would take you a while to get out of this state of mind. Nevertheless, you didn’t want them to consider you weak or unworthy of their attention. Right now, they were the only ones you had in this world.

Your throat tightened and your lips trembled from the sob you denied yourself to make. One of them handed you a handkerchief, while making an effort not to touch you. You glanced up, as it turned out, at Marcus, who was holding the handkerchief in front of you.

“It is perfectly alright to cry, cara. You have no idea how many times I wished to shed at least one tear” he said, while you were wiping away yours. You believed him, of course. When you were in the throne room, at first Marcus looked completely lifeless and depressed. It changed after he spotted you, but you knew his behaviour didn’t come out of nowhere.

You’ve managed to calm yourself a little bit. After you regained your composure, Aro smiled gently at you, making you give him your full attention.

“My dear, we would be delighted to explain to you everything, but I can clearly see that you are extremely tired. So much has happened today, and the best way we can handle this, is when you are well rested. May I suggest coming back to the topic without any more delay, when you’ve had enough sleep?”

You smiled because of his intricate wording.

“Sure. Although, there’s no need for you to talk to me this way” you said amused, while also trying not to sound rude. The way Aro expressed his thoughts was extremely distinguished and you understood that this was part of his personality that he had acquired over three millennia.

Caius smiled to himself hearing your remark and Marcus didn't hide his amusement either. Even Aro seemed mildly entertained.

“Forgive me, cara mia” he said apologetically, mischievous tone of his voice never escaping your attention. “I am quite old by now” his remark made Caius laugh loudly. You laughed too.

“I don’t think your age matters in this case” you said, your spirits raised just a little bit.

***

After your brief conversation, it was Marcus who showed you to your room. Well, it wasn’t exactly a room, as you had all suite to yourself. As soon as you saw it, you decided that it was really too much, that a bed would suffice, but fell silent after Marcus explained, why you needed to be isolated from others.

You almost forgot they were vampires and you could die if you walked into the wrong one. You shared your concerns with Marcus, who was extremely amused to hear about them. Only the most trusted members of the guard knew of the whereabouts of your chamber. The lower ranks didn't even know that you were staying in the castle for an extended period of time.

Marcus assured that overnight the kings would consider, who would be the most qualified to become your personal guardian. You were a bit embarrassed, as you seemed to be creating quite a problem with your presence in the castle. Nonetheless, you thanked Marcus, making sure beforehand that you would definitely see the three of them, as soon as you got some sleep.

Your chamber was huge. You could’ve sworn it was twice the size of the house you owned in Forks. You had your own bathroom, walk-in-closet and even a small kitchenette with a fridge. The star of the room was the massive bed with a mattress so soft, you felt like you were lying on a cloud. Before you went to bed, you decided to have a bath, because it would be silly to sleep in such a bed while being dirty.

While searching for pyjamas, you realised there were not many clothes in the wardrobe. Could this have been a guest room? You concluded that it was very likely. Anyway, you had nothing against guest rooms which looked like this. You found a thin-strapped, ankle-length nightdress, in a fabric so pleasant that it was impossible to resist wearing it.

The bathroom was ridiculously large, with two sinks to the left of the entrance, a huge bathtub in the middle and a shower that was built into, what you assumed, was a marble wall. On the opposite side of the entrance there was a vanity, with all kinds of beauty products and perfumes. You also didn't expect the bathroom to be in bright colours, and yet, the walls and floor were white marble, whereas all other elements were golden. You didn't even want to think about the fact that indeed, you had real gold faucets to your exclusive use.

You continued to think about the fact that it seemed too much. The lavishness overwhelmed you and, at the same time, distracted you from unpleasant thoughts. The washing up part, as always, was difficult for you. You tried not to look in the mirror at all. Eventually, you decided you didn't have the energy to try a bath, so you went for a quick shower.

It wasn't until you were in the shower, before you truly felt tired. You doubted it was an evening, but you felt like you'd just done a double shift at the hospital. It felt wonderful to have your hair washed, only to cuddle up later in an incredibly soft towel.

While changing into your nightgown, you didn't even glance in the mirror. You were unable to look at your naked body in the reflection. You were afraid, even though the bruises and wounds had long been healed.

Climbing onto the bed, you tried not to think too much. You didn't want to think about what you were going to do with the baby. You didn't want to think about the fact that you would probably have to explain to Caius and Marcus, why you were pregnant in the first place. You also didn't want to think about Aro seeing those memories. You were glad that you could fall asleep and, at least for a little while, be relieved of the burden of reality.

***

“Alright. What is there that we need to discuss?” you asked, trying to focus. You were back in the study with the round table, except that there were many more papers and books on it than the day before.

It was the strangest morning of your life. According to what Aro told you, you slept for about fifteen hours. He was by your side when you woke up, but not in such manner as to startle you in any way. He came to ask how you were feeling and what you felt like eating for breakfast. You thought that with a kitchenette in your room you would be preparing your own meals. You were very much mistaken. When you said that you would like to eat scrambled eggs, Aro only smiled and told you to get dressed.

You didn't have time to ask what you were supposed to wear since the walk-in-closet was almost empty, but he had already disappeared. It turned out that you were wrong again. In those fifteen hours, someone had managed to restock your wardrobe at least halfway. You were too surprised to look at everything, but you had never seen such expensive and well-tailored clothes. You picked out the first pieces you were sure, you would feel comfortable in.

After a quick shower, you dressed up and when you came out of bathroom, Aro was already waiting for you. He brought you your meal and while you were eating, he would talk to you about things that were of minor importance. It was hard not to notice that he was in a great mood and you had to admit that you were sharing his optimism. He waited patiently for you to end your meal so that both of you could join Marcus and Caius in the study. If your human memory didn't fail you, a great number of issues had to be discussed.

You smiled, seeing so many papers and books on the wooden table. Caius and Marcus were sitting in the exact same places as yesterday.

“You should’ve wake me sooner, you know. I never sleep this much” you said, also sitting in the same place you were assigned the evening before. Aro sat in the chair on your right.

“You should sleep as long as you feel like it, dolcezza,” said Caius, focusing all his attention on you. You blushed a little. You weren’t used to being in the centre of attention. It didn't make you uncomfortable before, but after what happened... It was going to take some time before you could fully recover.

“Caius is right. You should get plenty of sleep, my dear. If there’s no need to wake you up, we simply will not do it,” said Aro, whose smile has not left his face even for a moment.

When Marcus had finished whatever he was doing, you could finally move on to the conversation between the four of you. You thought that Aro will lead the conversation but, apparently, you were really going to discuss this together.

“I gathered you were a nurse before. You also worked with Carlisle,” started Aro, getting straight to the point. You nodded your head in agreement.

“Yes. I worked on Paediatric Intensive Care Unit but hospital in Forks is so small that I usually ended up also helping Carlisle with many things” you admitted, trying to divide your attention between three of them. If you were to stay a human for a little while, you needed to work on that. It was rather problematic to look at them all at once.

“We became friends when Bella started seeing Edward, but then the whole moving out thing came up and right now, I don't really know if I know Carlisle as well as I thought I did,” you said, without a trace of regret in your voice. Aro knew very well that you had a grudge against the doctor. Sure, Edward had left Bella, but you were sure Carlisle would have at least told you about the promotion. Now you knew it wasn't about that at all, and yet the grudge continued.

Aro smiled lightly, but you saw a glint of sadness in his eye.

“After you transformation I will be pleased to invite here my old friend Carlisle along with his family. I hope everything will work out fine between the two of you” he said with hope in his voice. You had no idea that Carlisle new Aro to the extent that he called him an old friend. You promised yourself to talk about this with Aro while in private.

“I’m…a bit concerned about this, actually” you said anxiously. “I know I need to become a vampire one day, but…” You never ended the sentence. Were you afraid of pain? No, certainly not. However, you wanted to begin with knowing your mates just a little bit more. You wanted to know more about this world you were supposed to spend eternity in.

“It’s perfectly alright to be afraid, [Y/N]” said Marcus, leaning closer to you. You felt stupid and young.

“I don’t think I’m afraid. I’m only…uncertain, because I know close to nothing about your lifestyle and I’m not sure I’m quite ready to experience it,” you tried to explain, as best as you could. Aro was a little bit ahead of Caius and Marcus, as he saw at least parts of such thoughts in your mind. Caius was the one to answer you.

“It understandable, [Y/N]. While you’ll be spending time with us, we’re going to explain everything to you. One step at a time, as my dear brother said earlier. And tell me, how do you like your chambers?” he asked, clearly curious about your opinion. You smiled, but it was a shy one.

“I love it, really, but, as I asked Aro earlier, isn’t it too much?” you suggested, trying not to offend him. Aro and Marcus smiled softly, Caius snorted.

“Nonsense, cara. With us, you'll have the very best of all worlds” he assured you.

“In that case, thank you, all of it is truly wonderful, although I feel a little awkward.”

Again, all three just laughed, but it wasn’t impolite in one bit. Aro put a strand of your hair behind your ear.

“My dear, no need for you to fret about such things as money. The most important person to us is you and we will give you whatever you need” he assured you, still with that magnificent smile. You nodded shyly, not being able to say anything. You had only been with them in a room for a short while and you felt like you were drunk. The aura they exuded was irresistible. Simultaneously you wanted to be with each of them separately and with all of them altogether. It was not an affection, not yet, but this strange attraction did not allow itself to be forgotten easily. You yearned to be in the same room with them, just to be able to talk to them and look at each other constantly.

“I have… I have a house in Forks” you said, after a few minutes of silence.

“Would you like to sell your property?” asked Caius, raising an eyebrow. Aro was also intrigued. Marcus just continued to look at you, almost as he studied your face.

“I guess. I don't think I want to go back there again” you said quietly, recalling how many bad things happened there. You were no longer at ease, not even to mention amused. The kings, just as it happened the day before, felt the shift in your behaviour. “Ever” you emphasised, but it was only a whisper.

Bad memories deluged your thoughts. Your mother's illness and death. Your father's accident, then his death. Also, the most recent events. You swallowed hard, trying not to cry.

“I don’t want this house. I don’t want to come back to this godforsaken place ever again,” you said, wiping away a single tear with your fingers. You were ashamed, but you could not hold back the tears that followed. You did not deserve to go through all of this.

It was Marcus who spoke first.

“Cara, Aro told us nothing about your past, but I can assure you no one is going to hurt you here. You can be certain about this” he said gently, handing you a handkerchief. You accepted it gratefully, then began to quickly wipe away your tears.

“Marcus is absolutely right, [Y/N]. There is nothing in this world that we cannot protect you from. We will always be by your side. You won’t be in danger ever again” Caius assured you, while you were still trying to get these tears under control.

Aro seemed as if he wanted to lock you in an embrace and never let you go again, but he restrained himself. You knew it was because of your memories, because he saw what happened to you, and because he literally lived through it with you. You thought that probably the latter pushed you towards this decision. Who could know better what you’ve been through, than a person who knew about all things that happened during your life? You wanted a hug, desperately, and you already knew, you could trust Aro on this one.

Once he saw the permission in your eyes, you immediately found yourself in his arms. As usual, he was immensely gentle and affectionate, stroking your hair while not touching your skin, so as not to accidentally read your thoughts. You cuddled into him trustingly, not caring that he was cold. You had known him one day and he had managed to evoke more trust within you, than friends that you had known for years.

When the crying eased and you calmed down slightly, you rested your head on his shoulder. Again, just like yesterday in the throne room, you felt as if you had been home for a long time. They were your home, not some pile of stones and a roof.

“I’m sorry” you whispered, trying not to be ashamed. Aro stroked your hair again.

“There’s nothing to be sorry about, cara mia,” he assured you, with a gentle tone of his voice. You glanced at Marcus and Caius, but they only seemed at ease, as you finally were calm and not crying. Not a hint of jealousy. You didn't want Aro to let you out of his embrace and apparently he wasn't going to do anything of the sort either. You felt safe within his arms.

“Can you take care of ‘selling the house’ thing?” you asked, trying to remember what were you talking about before your emotional breakdown.

“Of course, [Y/N]. You could call Isabella later, to gather things you want to have here with you,” said Caius, exceptionally calm. Maybe his behaviour in the throne room was only an act? Or maybe he was being this way only because you were a mess and he didn’t want to upset you more than you already were.

“Yes, I’d like that, please” you said politely, wiping away the last of your tears with the handkerchief you got from Marcus.

“Are you ready to talk about the child, cara, or do you want to postpone it until some other time?” Aro asked you, trying to be as gentle with the word choice as possible. You hid your face in his jet black hair. It smelled of something you couldn't quite define, but it had a calming effect on you. You heaved a number of deep breaths. He gently caressed your shoulder.

“If you feel like sharing this, cara mia, please do. If you are unable to, do not force yourself” he advised, with so much sensitivity in his tone, that you wouldn’t expect from a man, yet alone from a vampire. It seemed that nor Caius, neither Marcus wanted to push you only to get this information.

You didn’t want to ponder about it for too long. It would definitely come to an end with you simply telling nothing at all. While you were not ready at all to talk about it, you needed to explain this somehow. You weren’t ready for any unexpected touch. You were adamant that current thing with Aro was caused by situation and your emotions. While the thought of Caius or Marcus touching you wasn’t downright awful, the idea of unexpected, unwelcomed touch made you twitch uncontrollably.

“As Aro was kind enough to mention…” started Marcus, probably to assure you no words were truly needed. You might, as well, have said it already. You didn't want anyone to accidentally touch you. You wanted to welcome the touch of your mates, just as you did with Aro a few minutes before. Being touched when you didn’t want would be catastrophic, not only for your mental health, but also for the stirring relationship with kings. It would have been worse than talking about rape itself out loud.

“I was raped a few weeks ago” you choked out, trying to make your voice sound as toneless and apathetic as possible. “I haven’t decided what to do with the… with it. Yet” you added, feeling stupid and extremely anxious. You wanted to get it over with, and at the same time you knew, it would have to be talked about at some point.

Nobody said anything. They probably waited for more words, maybe more emotions. You weren’t tense or embarrassed in front of them. Although, the uncertainty, of what were their thoughts on the topic, was a little bit intimidating. As minutes passed and you were saying nothing, Caius spoke up.

“Do you want us to kill him?” he asked, sweeping you off your feet with the question. You stared at him with amazement, completely forgetting about Aro embracing you. Your gaze didn’t discourage Caius a one bit. “Maybe some tortures first? What do you say, brothers?” he asked Aro and Marcus, his eyes remaining on you.

“Could you really do that?” you asked, before Aro or Marcus could answer. Caius started laughing out loud. There was something terrifying and, yet, incomprehensibly appealing about it. He leaned towards you.

“We would burn the whole world for you,” he whispered perilously. “If you want him to suffer, to be terrified, just as you were, say the word” he clarified, with a nasty smirk on his face. “We’ll make his last hours on Earth a living hell.”

Caius had something dangerous within himself. Something primal. He wasn’t so self-composed as Aro and as insular as Marcus. He was violent, fierce, vicious. It should scare you away from him. Only it didn’t. You believed every word he said and wanted it done. Why this little man should live his life peacefully, when you were traumatised and pregnant with a child you didn’t want in a first place?

“Revenge isn’t going to make you feel better” Aro whispered warningly into your ear, but still with calm and gentle voice.

“Yeah, I know that” you said to Aro, while still staring into Caius’s eyes. His also were crimson, but with lighter shade than Aro’s. You weren’t anxious anymore, nor were you in emotional breakdown. “But women he wants to rape will feel better if he doesn’t” you said, smiling almost as darkly as Caius. You got the feeling that you two were going to get along pretty well. Caius leaned back into his chair.

“Fantastic. We’ll talk about it more in following weeks, dear” he said, obviously pleased with the outcome of the conversation.

“Regardless if you keep the child, you’re going to be one of us” reminded Aro, to change the subject. When he mentioned transformation, you were far more conscious than few moments before. You tried not to be pessimistic about the change. You knew questions needed to be asked, but you had plenty of time to ask about anything you wanted and exactly three most experienced vampires in the world to answer them.

“We established it before, Aro” said Marcus for the first time in a while. You gathered that he wasn’t the talkative one here. You disentangled yourself from Aro's embrace and returned to your chair. Enough touching for today. However, you were sure that the sense of safety and comfort that he provided you with, would remain with you for a long time.

“I’m not able to tell you now if I want to keep the child” you said with confidence. “Anyway, I need to know what will happen, whether I decide to terminate the pregnancy or not.”

You were looking directly at Aro. You knew he had the final word here. You had a feeling how it’ll end, but you wanted to hear it anyway and have it straightforward. Aro sighed softly and smiled warmly after.

“If you’d like to keep the child, you’re going to give birth to it and when it’ll be grown up enough, it’ll become one of us” he said, his gaze extremely soft.

“Okay” you agreed. “And what if I’m not going to keep the child?” you asked, because it was the more probable occurrence. Aro saw it within your thoughts and you weren’t going to act like it wasn’t the choice you were closer to opt for. His smile remained gentle and warm, his eyes calm and soft on yours.

“The things that need to be done, are going to be done” he said, and you were extremely grateful that he didn’t use the ‘abortion’ word. You were too emotionally unstable to talk about it so straightforward. “We are going to know each other a little bit more. You’ll also meet our most trustful guards to feel safe. When you’ll be ready, one of us will change you” he explained, as simple as he could. You smiled at him a little sadly.

“Alright. Do I have any time limitations?” you asked curiously, throwing a quick glance at Caius and Marcus.

“No, dolcezza. You can take as much time as you want. You’re finally with us. That’s what truly matters to us” he reassured you. He was neither angry nor upset with the thought of you postponing transformation till the child is being born.

“One step at a time” he said cheerfully and smiled. You also smiled. It was almost impossible not to. “Cara mia, you’re so pretty when you smile. I hope you’ll be able to do that more and more here” this sentence made you blush. All three of them laughed, which made you blush even more.

“Thank you” you whispered, but it was a little unsure and hesitant. You saw concern on their faces.

“May I ask you one more question?” this time it was Marcus who asked.

“Yeah, go ahead.”

“Have you checked how far along are you? You’ve told us that maybe you’ll want to terminate the pregnancy, but my concern is about your health and how your body is going to catch up with the decision of yours, regardless what it’ll be” he said, very politely, trying not to offend you. You appreciated that dearly.

Marcus did ask very good question, though. You had no idea how far along you were. It was at least three months since it happened, so your first trimester should be over very soon.

“I don’t know. I haven’t checked. I couldn’t find the courage to do so. The only thing the doctor did, was to confirm the pregnancy” you answered, trying hard to remember if something else was being said.

“We should probably call the doctor, then” said Marcus, concern noticeable in his voice. Aro and Caius agreed with him, so did you.

“So, do I have my own cook at my disposal?” you asked to change the subject and relieve tension a bit. Enough of difficult subjects for today.

“Ah, yes, my dear, of course!” said Aro with extreme enthusiasm. “I hope you enjoyed your breakfast today. If something isn’t the way you want it, tell any of us right away.”

“Oh, yes, I did! Hey, and I told you that already!” you said, quite amused. “Am I not supposed to be the one, who forgets?” you asked, laughing.

Caius laughed most loudly, clearly amused by what you’ve just said. Aro smiled, watching you being in better mood, than before. Marcus was just Marcus, but he also smiled.

You spent the rest of the day with the kings, talking about many important and less important things. Mostly, you talked about the matter of selling your house, the things you will want to have with you in the castle, the fact that you should give up your job and your personal guard. The latter has been the cause of endless discussion. Later that evening, Aro decided that Renata, his personal guard, would be temporarily assigned to you.

You wanted to argue but there was literally no point in it. You knew that for the time you were still human, you had to have some sort of guard, because you couldn't even handle half a vampire on your own. You weren't tired at all, so after eating dinner you spent time with Caius and Marcus, trying to figure out what you could do together to get to know each other better. Unfortunately, Aro was obliged to attend to some important business, but in this case, you had already established some kind of a bond with him.

Caius and Marcus deeply respected your wish not to touch you in any way. You visited the library and were sure you had simply fallen in love. Sadly, most of the books were written in languages the existence of which you were previously unaware. Marcus was more than happy to offer you to study with him. To begin with, learning Italian. You had not yet discovered what Caius liked to do, but you were sure you would soon find out.

When they too had to attend to important matters, they escorted you to your room, and you decided it would be a good idea to call Bella. Not just about the house, but generally to let her know you were alive. When you’ve finally reached her, you both couldn’t shut up.

“Hi, sister!” you squeaked, overly excited. You heard her laugh.

“Hi! Are you fine, [Y/N]? I was starting to worry, the only thing that kept me from calling you was Alice,” she said and you laughed.

“Hi [Y/N]!” you heard Alice in the background. You threw yourself on the bed, so that you could lie on your stomach. You hugged your pillow and made yourself comfortable.

“Hi Alice!” you greeted her, smiling to yourself like a mad person, who you probably were, given the circumstances. “I’m happy to hear you, Bella, seriously. Are you at Cullen’s place?” you asked curious, as where Alice came from.

“Yeah, exactly. We were all worried here, you know” she admitted, you heard how anxious she was. You couldn’t help it but laughed.

“Well, how could you leave me in the lion's den like that” you joked and heard someone’s laugh.

“She’s fun. I need to meet her” you heard again and also laughed.

“This will probably happen sooner rather than later,” you answer to this mystery someone with confidence. Bella’s side fell silent. “But, you know, I guess I’m okay. I had fifteen hours of sleep today and the best scrambled eggs in my entire life” you admitted cheerfully, thinking about you waking up and eating your breakfast in Aro’s presence. You smiled widely. You heard someone talking in the background, but you had no idea what was this all about.

“That’s good because I was worried sick when we got out of that room” Bella admitted, trying to sound not too worried, though.

“It’s better than fine, you know. And how are you? You seriously were as white as a sheet while in throne room” you said and this was your turn to be worried about Bella again. “Hey, and I hope this asshole isn’t going to leave you again. My threat is in force,” you said in a threatening tone, knowing that Edward could definitely hear it. You heard the same laugh as before plus Bella’s laugh.

“I’m sure he’ll not be doing it again. Carlisle has already scolded him decently.”

Your heart ached a little after hearing Carlisle’s name. You thought he was your friend, or maybe it was beginning of friendship, and now you had no idea what to think about it at all.

“Good. How are you, Bells?” you asked again, hugging your pillow tightly.

“I’m okay, really, [Y/N]. No need to worry about me.”

Of course you were going to worry about her. She was just like a little sister to you. No way you’d stop worrying. Suddenly, you remembered what happened in the throne room and became seriously concerned.

“Have you set a date?” you asked, and again, the other side fell silent. This time completely. You sighed heavily. “I’m not a spy, you know, but I’m worried about you. We will need to talk about all of this. I get why didn’t you tell me, but, seriously Bella, your self-preservation instinct does not exist,” you scolded her, just a little. You had a feeling that she gave no fucks, no matter what anyone could say about this situation.

“Says the “I’m staying here, Bella” person” she gritted out with sarcasm. You rolled your eyes.

“One, they wouldn’t let me leave. Two, you were in danger and I was alright with sacrificing myself to save you. Three…” this time you fell silent, realising something important. “…I wouldn’t go. I’m not able to. This bond, whatever it is, it’s strong shit. You probably now it, as you have this with Edward. I have got it triple.”

After really long moment of complete silence, Bella spoke up.

“Why would you sacrifice yourself for me?” she asked, her question as heavy as storm clouds. You sighed.

“Because I’ve got nothing to live for, ya know? I was prepared that I wouldn’t get out alive,” you admitted with sad voice, but it was downright true.

“You’re pregnant, [Y/N]” she said, like it was something, which could immediately improve your well-being and quality of life. You felt like throwing up.

“Yeah. I’m pregnant with the child I don’t want, with a man I’ve never met, who forced himself on me and made my life more miserable than it already was. I should probably send him a card or something because, guess what, I’ve never considered that my life is going to be more crappy than it already was after my parents’ death.”

When you ended the sentence and no one said anything, you just sighed heavily.

“You’ve got the date set?” you asked again, merely curious about this and to change the topic.

“Not yet” she said, her voice sad and full of emotions.

“Then do it. They’re patient, to some extent, but don't tempt fate. I don’t want to attend yet another funeral,” you said bitterly, trying not to think at all.

“How can you be so calm about all of this?” Bella snapped suddenly, making you shift uncomfortably on bed.

“And how you can be so calm? How was this your fucking plan from the very beginning? Once again, I try to understand you, while not understanding you at all” you snapped too, tired of any games. Before she could answer, you continued:

“I’m not coming back. I wanted to ask you if you could go to my house and get some things, I can make you a list if it’s going to be easier.”

You thought telling her this right away would be better than if she wasn’t aware for weeks or months.

“What?! Why aren’t you coming back?” she asked with raised voice. You wanted to shout and scream but you didn’t. It was too much for one day.

“Because I’ve got nothing to come back to. You’re going to be a vampire anyway, so I’ll see you in some time. I’m selling the house and I want to leave the past exactly where it belongs” you explained, trying not to yell. The hormone fluctuations didn't make it easy for you at all.

Another silence. You were tired of all of this.

“Can you do this for me, Bella? Because if you can’t, I’m sure…”

She didn’t let you finish.

“Of course I’ll do it for you. Can we talk tomorrow about the details?” she asked, her voice calmed a bit.

“Yeah, sure. It’s well after midnight here anyway, so I should probably go to sleep. I’ve got doctor’s appointment tomorrow in the afternoon” you said, trying to sound casually. Last thing you needed now was to argue about anything with Bella.

“Okay, so, call me tomorrow?” she asked. “And be safe.”

“You too, Bells. Take care. I love you, sis” you said, trying to stop the forthcoming tears.

“I love you too, [Y/N].”

Long after this phone call, you couldn’t get yourself to sleep. You tried bath this time, but it was mostly useless. At least, you were clean. First time after the rape, you decided to touch your belly on purpose. It began to curve gently, and, apart from that, you still felt pain and pressure in your breasts. You put on a nightdress and went to bed, this time actually trying to get some sleep. You also tried not to think too much about what the future would bring.

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