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jillheathers · 5 years

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2/13/19

Nine months of HRT today!

This month has been... interesting.

Preparing for winter used to be easy, same thing every year, house, car, yard, clothes, insulate, unpack, done, easy. My body, nope, not this year. My cold tolerance is significantly reduced. On the plus side I learned that layering is not only good but necessary and my cheeks now take on a pleasant rosy hue when I'm outside. Fair trade for shivering more, rosy is actually a good color on me.

There was a bit of an unexpected psychological breakthrough as well. (Disclaimer: please bear in mind that I am neither trained nor certified to provide any therapeutic advice and you should not take any information or experience contained in this paragraph as guidance or a recommendation for your journey.) There were a couple days of depression that hit me hard, really hard, and there wasn't a solid reason why. It took some replaying of events up to the last time I felt good to figure it out, but there was one memory that stood out. I remembered looking in the mirror and telling my old self to go away forever, that I'm done with him and I don't need him in my life anymore. It wasn't a break up or a divorce, it was the death of someone I knew my entire life. Suddenly the depression made perfect sense, I was mourning the loss of a loved one. There was no ill will directed towards the old me, he was a dick and a jerk but he had some moments that I always look back on fondly, some amazing, impossible, stupid moments. I won't forget what he taught me but now it's time to move forward to better, and someday, best. It was the truthful finality of that conversation in the mirror and the eventual realization of how dedicated I am to my transition, that I am willing to sacrifice myself in order to achieve that goal, that was the moment when I felt free for the first time in my life. All the depression vanished at that moment, I felt 100% better. Everything changed right then and there. Everything changed forever. Of course I wondered why I took me this long to actualize my transition in that way but that question didn't change how great I felt, it still doesn't. I finally convinced myself this is my correct path and I am now who I was meant to be.

That epiphany has changed my outlook on life even more dramatically than the events I've experienced since beginning my transition. I thought I was embracing and enjoying the positive events in my life before. I was, but now it's amplified by all the numbers, if it was good before, now it's better, much better. It's not as though the negativity in the world stopped existing. I don't skip and twirl about oblivious to the horrible events happening right now, those things just don't carry as much weight as appreciating the positive parts of life and all the wacky good adventures that just seem to keep happening. Also, I don't remember the last time I skipped, it is a valid form of locomotion though.

Social gatherings are difficult for me, mostly because they require social interaction. However, an opportunity was presented and since a new and improved me has been established, sure, I'm down. This particular gathering is tailored to people who identify as transgender, gender queer, non-binary or gender nonconforming. Although I was initially leery and moderately concerned that a repeat of previously attended events may take place, I still showed up. I'm so glad I did. Walking in gave me an immediate sense of welcome and positive and safe. It was as if there had always been a seat waiting for me at that table. I felt like part of the group, it's rare to experience that, to have others be honestly non-judgemental and helpful, that's something I will cherish forever. The group as a whole amazed me, even though they all knew each other and previously bonded there was still a message delivered that said you are one of us, you always were, you're home now, you're not alone anymore. I hope they know how incredibly important and beautiful what they're doing can be for a person. I hope they know this group is the physical expression of love. I hope they get told on a regular basis how wonderful they are. I hope they know they are loved.

Attending that gathering has given me a new goal, to be as kind and caring as everyone there, to give others the same love I have been given.

My transition to this point has been a series of positive experiences, I've been lucky, I've been blessed. The past month everything is just falling into place with no real effort on my part. It feels like I've been in a boat fishing for my transition goals for 48 years, sometimes rough seas, sometimes lightning, occasional pirates. I never gave up, I got in that boat every day and I tried every day and I never caught anything. This month a fish jumped in that boat with me, sat down, looked me in the eye and said "Hi Jill! I'm your transition. It's been a long time and you've been really patient. But I'm here now. You did it, congratulations! Enjoy this journey, you deserve it." I love that fish.

Thank you to everyone here for keeping our community alive, I'm honored to be a part of it. @i-am-a-fish , @a-gay-woman , @celeste-zanotti , @robotics-enthusiast , @daintydaliaa , @jasonfreakinnelson thank you all for giving me that extra push to get through this month, you might not know you did anything, you did.

Be kind to each other.

#gender transition #girlslikeus #trans positivity #transgender #transitioning #mtf #mtf hrt #thisiswhattranslookslike #trans rights are human rights #transgirlsruletheworld #transisbeautiful #transvisibility #you are not alone #hrt #trans #trans women #me

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