#but also im so so so so SO SICK of having to be twice as good as a white man to get half as far

[hwanswerland]

happy birthday jazzy @woosansang ♡♡♡

#fio.gifs #tuserjazzy #atzsource #san #wooyoung #yeosang #im very sorry i really wanted to include the knees in some way but i couldnt find any video that would have fit the rest of the vibe #the amount of shit i found on discord lmao but most of that i couldnt really put here so #also i hope you rb this at least twice bc i put that san first so the next time i see him in my notes its at least my own set #i hope you have a great day after all the stressful things happening <33 #*like they're probably still happening but idk what words to use here rn but you get me #i hope you find some time between all that to at least yell at me for this and roasting and personally attacking you yet another time lmao #thank you for being my friend <3 have the best time today with your friends <3 #(sorry im still sick my brain is fried i cant think so this half assed whatever has to do sorry)

[naamahdarling]

.

#my psych who prescribes my psych meds is a resident and is moving on in a couple of months #i don't even remember the names of them all at this point #this happens over and over and I cannot find a clinic that will put me with someone who intends to stay #thst will also prescribe my adhd meds #and my anxiety meds #and the real kicker is that twice now they have LIED about it and said they would #only to reveal after all the hoop-jumping that oops sorry they didn't really mean it #so it's a risk i have to take any time i leave #and rhen there's the issue of new people almost always wanting to DO something #but instead of talking to me about it they just decide that my meds need overhauling and pressure me to go off shit that works #but that they morally object to i guess #and my psych for some stupid reason has decided she wants bloodwork for my cholesterol and blood sugar stuff and im just like #what hell does THIS presage because if she harasses me about the results or tries to put me on drugs for that #I'll give her a nasty scrap about it #im not interested in those meds at all #and im certainly not messing with my diet since food is the only pleasure i get most days and even that is marginal at best #and removing that would just make me worse #but medpros for the most part really don't give a fuck about that #and so now im afraid - because i do not and cannot trust them - that if i disapprove of the meds they will retaliate somehow #which good luck proving that when management and oversight often don't even care if they course of treatment will HARM you #if it relates to being fat or having bad numbers #they just gotta pathologize! #so yeah im sick of everything and just kind of want to bury myself in a bog forever #i shouldn't have to deal with this

[pippuns]

i think the funniest flavor of liujiu for me is one where sj goes into it like "ah yes I am going to EXPLOIT lqg's feelings and EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATE him for my own protection and safety" but he catches feelings hard and doesn't realize this for several years. one day he has a crisis at 4am about the fact that he does actually experience positive emotions towards lqg and frantically wakes lqg up to say "i. i think i love you. what the fuck", to which lqg is like "we've been married for five years. what are you talking about."

#not the only flavor!! just the funniest one #welcome to lyf's 3am thoughts #sj: lqg is rich and powerful and im gonna get a shotgun marriage with him so he cant drop me bc hes too stupid to realize im just using him #also sj: i dont know why i feel warm and fuzzy when he smiles at me bc ive experienced happiness maybe twice in my life. i must be sick #sj: good thing i have a husband that i TOTALLY DONT CARE FOR to send on errands to get me a cure for this weird fuzzy chest feeling #sj: fuck that backfired. now i have more weird fuzzy chest things. what the fuck. #do you see my vision #pip speaks

[obsob]

ough im out of surgery!!! tits yeeted

#barks #dmdnjddkd okfjffj hmm. the staff here are. not great #ive had like 3 people ask me if i am in pain n ive said yes n theyve like gone to check smth #n then i never see them again dndjfrnr #also im allergic to opiods apparently so thats a fun discovery #fever n rashes kind of allergic. nice. was in recovery for like 3 hours skenrrjr #AND ive been sick like twice. but. i think i am better now. have had toast n some soup >:) #i havent . tried walking yet. hmm #but hey i lived #also on the staff again th lady who bough me my soup jus like. put it on the table n walked away #n i had to like. pull the table to me which is like dkfhfjrjr hmm

[sanchoyo]

haven’t been on much bc my dog has been sick :( between seizures and an infected tooth we’ve been having a Time trying to get everything fixed (this started around the holidays so our vet has been very booked up…we have been like 3-4 times in the past 4-5 weeks OTL does not help it’s like an hour drive there, so that’s been exhausting) now his new seizure meds are making him sick (was hoping it was like, just an adjustment period thing but he’s been sick for a week and having concerning symptoms…) if I’m not on a ton or slow to replying to messages it’s bc I’m working as much overtime as my job will give me bc Vet Expensive and mentally drained obvi 😞

#it makes me a lil mad his meds were kinda pricy and they literally are making things worse. like sure he isn’t have seizures but he can #barely walk and keeps running into things and keeps having diarrhea so like. 🙃 and the meds are making him sooo hungry and thirsty #I’m seeing the vet AGAIN FRIDAY I know she’s so sick of me but man my little guy. if she can’t figure out a combo that doesn’t have such #bad side effects I’m literally going to scream and cry #he’s the most sensitive boy in the world and my mental health hangs on his and my cats well being. please. 😭 #sanchoyorambles #I’ve also called them like twice to find out if I should stop or what they want me to do and keep getting ‘oh they’ll call u back’ WHEN #GIRL MY PUBBY #if I don’t hear back before his next dose I’m just gonna make an executive decision myself to stop them for now #he’s literally on the smallest possible dose too bc he’s so little. so. they can’t go down in dosage they’ll need to put him on smth else 😑 #which means paying for ANOTHER PRESCRIPTION A WEEK AFTER ALREASY GETTING ONE THAT WAS $30 ON TOP OF HIS STUPID VET BILL #screaming. #and like if I have the money it’s fine. and it’s not like the vet could’ve known he’d have bad side effects #im just frustrated it’s no one’s fault #I could go to a closer vet. the thing is I LIKE the one further away #they have the only groomer I’ve found that can trim him without sedating him! they send me reminders abt his shots! I like the vibes!!! #they seem caring!! but they are always SOOO BUSY it takes forever to make appointments or to hear back from them 😭 #remember how I said one of my goals was to buy a vechicle this year lmao the vet bills are draining any savings I’ve managed to build up 🤧 #my pets are priority 1 tho like even before all the medical stuff /I/ need like lol… that’s my baby #it’s just really bad timing. not that there’s good timing for medical issues but. u know

[munamania]

i dont wanna be a dick and act like i have no responsibility in this but after a point dont u think if all you ever say to ur friend is Omg you never make it out why dont you ever come out with us you bail all the time youre such a flake etc. dont u think that person (me) is like. not gonna feel so inclined to. be there

#like. yeah i was bad last semester i get it. and probably i shouldve tried at least once or twice to push thru #but i was so exhausted. and every time they would bring up hanging out it was on my longest days #and when i casually brought this up they were just like Well we have long days too. Okay! #and i love and miss these friends and i know for the most part. or at least think. theyre just teasing #i hate being seen as the flake like any time i do have to be like Oh i cant make that or Shit im sorry i have to bail #i try to offer an alternative???? and they never compromise on that. how is that fair like im not just outright rejecting u all the time #not to mention most of the time last semester it was always gonna be somewhere super easy for them to get home and far from me #im not like constantly holding this against them btw but i feel like they're holding it against me and i dont have any more apologies in me #anyway. that said. if theyre somewhere really expensive and far from me tn and i get out of work early #i. probably will not make it. lol! if theyd be willing to come a little closer to my place to one of the dives or some shit thatd be great #and like im not doing much today until class and work so really like. i WILL try. but i think they could sometimes not go for the most #expensive and inconvenient option as well. and these r all things ill say if it becomes like a problem problem or smth #but rn im not gonna be a dickhead and shit on their plans #but also! ok whatever im not gonna keep going on i just feel shitty im not 100% better from being sick and im just frustrated #about having to fuckign grovel over and over and over. i meant it the first few times now im just like #u could try not to be an asshole to me for five seconds too. like. i am very clearly not someone trying to secretly stop being friends #w yall. things happen #abby talks #and maybe this is an esp sore spot bc like ive certainly had some of you bail on me or be flaky or whatever before. and i didnt throw #a fucking fit to your face about it. probably bc it actually did feel more mean spirited sometimes #OK im sorry im not trying to make my friends sound evil and its mostly just the one and like im working on forgiving her for it cause it #was years ago but also like christ!

[marklikely]

sorry ive tried to avoid being a hater for no reason like . hating on stuff just bc i resent its popularity rather than actually genuinely disliking it. i try to avoid doing that now. but can the eras tour please just end already so i never ever have to hear about it again ever.

#its bad enough it keeps popping up on all my social media feeds but now that stupid movie is completely dominating my movie app #so im like can i get tickets to see a movie this week and its like sure but only if you scroll past like 5 taylor swift ads. is that ok #yes the movie isnt out for over a month but we're still going to keep it parked right at the top. in front of the movies that ARE playing r #also when i went to the showtimes screen it just. automatically took me to the showings for oct 13th bc thats when her movie is out #not. showings for this week. which it always used to do by default. no. showings for 10/13 for her movie #like omfg i know its not a big deal but i am so sick of hearing about this tour already #so for it to be adding this many minor nuisances & obstructions to me going to the movies this week is just like. go awayyyyy #like twice as frustrating as it would have already been -_- maybe more. #avpost #me: can i see a different movie please #theaters: see taylor swift? buy the taylor swift popcorn bucket? oops you almost saw showtimes for the movie you wanted #not to worry we replaced those with the showtimes for taylor swift. which you obviously want to see. #we are going to shove this extremely average pop musician down your fucking throat for the entirety of 2023 is that okay. #beyonce is currently also on tour. the highest grossing tour of all time. and i dont hear abt it even a quarter as much as i hear abt eras. #so like. no this is not in correlation to her popularity its too fucking much. please leav me alone.

[real-life-cloud]

im GOING to write today ........ i WILL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#the sky speaks #i havent used twitter in so long and lemme say i missed using tumblr like twitter. just putting my long rambly notes into a single post #anyways onto the rambling #i havent been writing or drawing like at alllll #too busy #also was so sick #but now that i have my new job and i know what my schedule is gonna sorta look like #3 days at joann 2 days cleaning w mom and 2 days nothin #PLUS i dont have to spend money on therapy til after the new year now #and mom is coming home and she seems rly optimistic abt sobriety #im feeling like i can finally create again !!!! #i have 2 creative presents i need to do before christmas #but aside that and 1 prompt still in my inbox (that i rly wanna do anyways) everything else i wanna do is all for Me :) #im kinda put out bc a lot of stuff i wanted to do this fall got shelved.. i wanted to make bday art of kirishima xinyan and kazuha. #i wanted to open comms. but im way too rusty w art rn to be confident doing that. maybe after new years? #god i wanted to come out to my parents properly. the day my mom went to rehab was national coming out day. #it was also one of my last therapy sessions. i came out to her instead #i still managed to do stuff tho. started my new job and got together with friends TWICE !! and i've kept up w doing my moms job alone #idk where im going w this anymore ive lost steam. but yeah. i wanna write today! idk what yet. i hav so many wips i could work on..

[skrunksthatwunk]

wait why is dmc1 good

#not that i thought it was bad just #i mean listen. i've played the first couple of missions twice now but i finally like. y'know. went beyond that #it's just really really working for me in a way it didn't the previous two times #i'm still in this castle though. like i kinda feel like i'll never get out but that's probably not true right. that would be really weird #anyway i kinda got through the learning curve the first couple of times and i've been thinking about it and not playing it for days #and i've been nauseatingly hooked on sdv (again) since the 1.6 update. (70 hours. probably a little more. In The Past Like 2 Weeks. wth) #like i'm actually sick and antsy doing it but i can't stop like that kinda hooked. (boooo. i have more important shit to do...) #so i think it's like im purging with something a) new b) very different and c) that i've been thinking about for days #anyway fuck some of the platforming though. this should not be a game that requires me to hop on moving circles and shit #i'm not good at it but i'm having a good time :) also dante... dante's kinda silly... (<- can smell a blorbo on the rise) #i love his descriptions of things. he'll be like 'it's a statue of their glorious leader riding off to battle. psh whatever what am i doing #so yeah. hopefully i won't fall out of it again because i really do like it so far. but with my brain who knows

[orcelito]

Genuinely thinking about giving at least some of my alcohol away. Not quite wanting to get rid of my favorite vodka flavors yet, but the other ones + the ciders in my fridge...

Just kinda don't want them lol

#speculation nation #i still haven't had any alcohol since february 14th & i still dont know if ill ever want to drink again #the thought of alcohol just kinda makes me sick now. #ive enjoyed it in the past but now it just makes me think about how my dad died from alcoholism. #ive never been a binge drinker bc if i have more than 4 drinks at a time it Will make me nauseous #and ive only really drank maybe once or twice a month. usually no more than once a week at the most. #so like it's not like ive had much of a problem with alcohol before now #but it's also been my go-to for calming down my brain when im freaking out #and i have a history of using it as a form of self harm. #so a part of me knows that alcohol isnt good for me. and a part of me is scared of turning out like my dad someday. #better to just have nothing to do with it entirely. i dont want it. i dont want anything to do with it. #but at the same time my peach and strawberry vodka bottles are still relatively new and relatively full #and it'd feel like a waste of money to just give it away...😭😭😭😭 #so maybe ill hold onto those. for a bit longer. idk. #i dont even know if this current mindstate is gonna keep up. it's only been a bit over a month. #maybe someday i'll feel leas uncomfortable around alcohol again #... but today is not that day. i dont want this fucking alcohol. #negative/ #i guess. im just kinda trying to sort out my thoughts on it. #self harm ment/

[devilfruitdyke]

spiraling is so wild first im pissed that my drawing didnt look good now i dont think ill ever forgive my family for their treatment of me

#im sick of being babied because theres a man whos taller than me 🙂 #'ooohfhgf yr so little im sorry about how you dont know anything 🥺🥺' #< talking to a 5'7 person who swims at least twice a week has a 3.97 gpa and calls my grandparents more than my parents do #if i try to make jokes to not just fucking PISS EVERYONE OFF they think ohh so silly woman. never had an opinion 🙂 #nothing i say is ever serious dont even FUCKING worry 👍👍 #its fucking pathetic. at my brothers age i was like i can relate to this scary character haha #cue my mother swooping in to be like noo this isnt you #AND HE FUCKING SENDS SOMEBODY TO THE HOSPITAL IN HOCKEY. BUT ITS FINE BECAUSE HE PLAYS BETTER HOCKEY THAN ME #all you have to do here is be strong. physically not mentally because knowing you have undiagnosed adhd for #a literal third of yr life doesnt count. BUT if yr shoulders are too big for the prom dress that they think you want to wear its also over #and my brother is so butthurt from also growing up in this wack ass situation that he wont let me have ANYTHING. #sorry that you dont think i can read a map or whatever the fuck #sorry that you THINK you make more money than me at yr silly sports job #WHEN IM TRAINED TO HOLD 150 POUNDS TREADING WATER. sorry i got illegally scheduled and it gave me heat cramps #silly me.

[vanibear]

hello beautiful people .would u like to read an unfinished rough draft of kairi and roxas just chatting.that I was talking abt earlier today

#ive hyperfocused on writing Twice today whilst also being sick .this is a weird day #writing is so hard but so fun . I think what gets me is just how many times i have to go back and comb over and rewrite things #before im somewhat satisfied w it #kat post

[froghwon]

🌱

#rambling #hey everybody I'm still alive ^^;; #I've been home sick the last few days and I've become obsessed with stardew valley #so i have no concept of the passage of time :p #I'm just really excited about my cows and chickens :> #I'll be back to my nornal schedule next week probably :p #stay healthy <3333 #(also im 90% sure i got sick from seeing twice last weekend 😔😔)

[hpdgirlfriend]

emetophobia is so funny silly bcuz i will be scared of eating too much/eating at all bcuz i don't want to throw up & then be scared of not eating enough bcuz i again don't want to throw up. so im just scared. of everything

#emeto tw #diary #aaaaaaargh #today yesterday and the day before. i have been Sick and its Awful #like i thought the first time was because i had barely eaten the previous day but then????? it's still ?????? it comes back every morning #i haven't thrown up yet Today but i feel!!!! bad!! my stomach hurts a lot!!!!! & idk if eating would help but im scared of eating!!! #its also weird because i did in fact eat enough yesterday!!!! after i started feeling better!!! so what is this abt!!!! #although it's getting less awful every day at least bcuz the first day was BAD. i threw up like 6 times at least and didnt feel Any better #until like 7pm. #and i think i still felt awful for a while after but. awful i could just barely tolerate enough to do things #then yesterday it was only like 3 hours or so before i felt better enough & i think i only threw up twice? #& was able to feel normal after i ate !! :) #noww hopefully it will be even shorter but idk bcuz im still in the bad stage :( #ed tw #<-? not Actually but idk what else to tag for struggling w eating

[spade-club]

Reminding myself that I did all of my goals I had for this year. Even if some of them turned out to be mistakes, I've come a long way in the past half a year especially, and even if I am currently struggling with the weight of it all right now, these achievements are nothing to ignore or take value away from.

#anyway considering quitting my new job because I almost died for it already and I cant handle all of the all of it. #I had to call out sick today and I got told off and a manager basically said he thought I was lying because I didnt want to work there. #it felt so bad and I just.... ugh #its just all so overwhelming #like. I'm incredibly sick right now. dealing with a whole cheating scandal going on. Christmas was hard as fuck. this new job is overwhelm #I just... cant handle it all. #plus my old job never gave me my last paycheck so I have to deal with that #and I am trying so hard to get in contact with this new therapist guy but I keep just not having time to set things up. #im overwhelmed. so much. #the one good thing I have going for me is my friends and even then I'm starting to feel like a burden on them for struggling so much #idk! its just a lot! #but hey. I didnt kill myself this year! and instead I have been living a life and thats not nothing #checked *kiss a second person* off my list. yeah they were also kissing many people I didnt know about including their girlfriend but ! yk #things happen haha (im devistated) #and I checked off *get a job* and *leave the state I was living in* and *start driving* #and two of those are still going well! #mostly I mean. I do still kinda hate driving and have almost killed myself on accident twice #but really the point is im trying lots of new things and figuring out what works and what doesnt! #im not just living but im alive and thats all that needs to matter #the pain of all of this is the proof im alive and I can still feel. I just am convincing myself thats a good thing

[southislandwren]

I deeply love the freshman but she just called twice to ask if could jump her car at a location 30 minute drive away, I am pajama’d and blind in bed . No I cannot dedicate over an hour of time when it’s already my bedtime because surprise, I wake up at fuckin 4:25 am 🙃

NO FUCKING WAY was I awake typing this godforsaken post and my other friend called me for 30 MINUTES!!!!! You fuckheads I work on a farm do not contact me after 7:30!!!! Arggghhhhhh okay goodnight and anyone else who calls me is NOT getting an answer I am asleep GOODNIGHT !!!!

#and last night I got like 5 hours of sleep and I didn’t take a nap today. I shouldn’t be fucking driving anyway because I’m SLEEPY sleepy #I was like give me 30-40 minutes and she was like uhhh I will call some other people… yeah do that . #like if I do go for a drive this weekend I’ll still invite her but I’m getting a little sick of her antics #diary post #ugh. anyway if you find this E I do deeply love you fr but I told you I wasn’t going to be a good friend this summer #and I didn’t mean like teehee I can only hang out on Saturdays #I meant the likelihood I text back or see you in person more than twice a month is VERY low #and yeah this is on me for picking a stupid fucking job but like. I need to be sick of farming before I head to a city for 5+ years #I am exhausted down to my core. I relapsed in my bad habit on Saturday. I am barely functioning. #I don’t think I’ve eaten anything that’s not fruit or dairy products in the past 3 days. I am desperately waiting for an incident at work. #begging to the universe to let me get kicked in the head or something so I can have a few fucking days off PLEASE #anyway goodnight. now im all wound up and I’ll get another 5 hours of sleep #also ironic the second friend who called me was gossiping abt this guy at work that should just shut up sometimes #and im sitting there on the other side of the phone YAWNING after picking up and answering I am already in bed #and my friend is still rambling on about stupid inane work bullshit that I do not care about. #okay goodnight for real. I hate everything