#and so now im afraid - because i do not and cannot trust them - that if i disapprove of the meds they will retaliate somehow

[naamahdarling]

.

#my psych who prescribes my psych meds is a resident and is moving on in a couple of months #i don't even remember the names of them all at this point #this happens over and over and I cannot find a clinic that will put me with someone who intends to stay #thst will also prescribe my adhd meds #and my anxiety meds #and the real kicker is that twice now they have LIED about it and said they would #only to reveal after all the hoop-jumping that oops sorry they didn't really mean it #so it's a risk i have to take any time i leave #and rhen there's the issue of new people almost always wanting to DO something #but instead of talking to me about it they just decide that my meds need overhauling and pressure me to go off shit that works #but that they morally object to i guess #and my psych for some stupid reason has decided she wants bloodwork for my cholesterol and blood sugar stuff and im just like #what hell does THIS presage because if she harasses me about the results or tries to put me on drugs for that #I'll give her a nasty scrap about it #im not interested in those meds at all #and im certainly not messing with my diet since food is the only pleasure i get most days and even that is marginal at best #and removing that would just make me worse #but medpros for the most part really don't give a fuck about that #and so now im afraid - because i do not and cannot trust them - that if i disapprove of the meds they will retaliate somehow #which good luck proving that when management and oversight often don't even care if they course of treatment will HARM you #if it relates to being fat or having bad numbers #they just gotta pathologize! #so yeah im sick of everything and just kind of want to bury myself in a bog forever #i shouldn't have to deal with this

[scattered-winter]

damn the loneliness really do be hitting huh

#my social life is reduced to choir rehearsal and class <3333 #i have zero motivation to write anything or draw or paint or even create music outside of rehearsal #and i can feel myself spiraling because its been so fucking long since ive talked to someone #like. REALLY talked to them. #had a legitimate conversation between two people who love+trust each other #i have a friend from home living nearby but we only say hey when we bump into each other once a month #she has a boyfriend now and i didnt even know until the 3rd time i met the guy #and idk. we were never overly close especially after i realized i was queer because we grew up in the same church #and she 'ranted' to us about this time someone came out to her and she didnt take it well #and so i haven't come out to her and i probably never will because im ngl im too afraid to #because if i lose her i'll lose all my friends from home #but ig ive already lost them so it probably doesnt matter anyway #and she's never been very interested in keeping up with me especially after she entered the dating world but idk it still hurts like hell #abandonment issues?!? me?!?!? hahahahahahaha #i just. hh #its so fucking hard for me to talk to people and make friends. i get overwhelmed and i cant say what im thinking #and i cant tell if im being overbearing and creepy or not. #and all my siblings and friends have it so easy. they make friends as easily as breathing but. #they dont have their own fucking brain working against them. i do. #im literally wired differently. i cannot just connect with people like that. i never have been able to. #and im just. more lonely than i care to admit out loud. #hhh. i need to go to bed #winter go the fuck to sleep challenge

[mishapen-dear]

oh im gonna be SO annoying about bbh in a minute. i keep saying the same thing over and over again but his character is too fucking complex motherfucker is like:

"i'm a demon who is 11,000 years old and i refuse to acknowledge that im a demon nor that i do bad things (like steal furniture) but i will help people every chance i get despite saying im going to stop doing that and i am going to devote my life to protecting these fragile little eggs even though i know im going to lose them one day because i love them too much (and i know i can do that and it will one day be okay, because i have an immortal diamond to keep me company even if he isn't here now). when my friend throws himself beneath the spokewheel of the federation i will be there, bitter about my loss, but i will not start a revolution until he proves he deserves one. i will do what i can to safeguard his system against corruption because i am afraid the federation will use him to hurt us. i know he doesn't want to hurt us. he keeps hurting me. he is isolated by our distrust in him and he is still working hard to try to be a good person in an inherently corrupt system that cannot be fixed so i will build him a statue. i will not kill him when he takes a picture of me in the presidential chair (that was almost mine) and puts it on his wall and calls me 'employee of the month.' i didn't do all of that work for the federation i did it for him like i do it for others because they are my friends. i will exhaust every option i have to build a reason to NOT start a revolution. to not kill him. because i have to say that i tried. i feel like i have made so many compromises. i have held myself back to try to find reason. i will still remove his access to my base. when the island turns against me and he locks me in a cage for a crime i did not commit, i will remove everyone's access (except for my family the french and my family the eggs). i am having fun. when the eggs appear the next day with cracks and dirty shells i will worry, but i know they're strong. they'll be okay. (when i find my son's secret lab and his unethical experiments that cause him harm i will be proud because he has done what i do. he has helped. i want him to be safe but we are never safe and i trust him more than anyone else. i know now, and i can help him be safe.) when the eggs go missing i will be silent. i will look for them, and i will destroy for them, and i will bargain for them, and i will cry for them, and i will not accept their loss. when my friend who is president who once built a safehouse that saved my eggs' lives is finally damaged by the federation (like i knew he would be when he became president) and he starts to hurt people by pushing the same treatment onto them i will not be surprised. i will be surprised when he tries to marry me. i will not blame him (much) when he tries to kill me. our children are missing. he is forced to pretend that his is not. i wish i could too. i will not tell him yes or no because i need an open avenue to manipulate him (because to save him i will have to manipulate him). i will not marry him because he is out of his mind. i have said marriage is overrated. i have also said that i want to live with him in a house with our kids and my skeppy. when he tells me that he wants to be happy with me i will still say 'aw' because it is the most genuine thing he has said to me and i miss my friend. i will still try to kill him. i fail to kill him with someone else's plan. i don't place a block to lock him in place. i hesitate. it doesn't matter if it's on purpose because the next plan works. i will reveal an item that could destroy me to my closest allies (and tubbo) because it will let us save him. we save him. when he kills himself 18 times over i back away from the explosion in surprise and then step close again. while i have grieved i have thrown myself into mines. it doesn't matter. i am numb and want to feel something. everything has lost colour. we save him.

i visit federation workers and ask them about my eggs and they do not tell me anything. i know they are lying. i visit the graveyard to talk to my lost eggs. i have lost all of the eggs. i do not know how to save them. i lay in the mud. it rains and rain signifies the monster has returned to kill my children but my children are not here and so i do not care. when i go home i will become so angry and i will go down to my basement (which i have locked like my friend locked the entrance to his greatest fantasy. we are so alike and our delusions are different. he child was real; here is the secret to finding my children) where i have locked a federation worker away. i will not wash away the blood stains.

i am also part-time grim reaper and i only ever dress up in robes to make people drink more water."

#this was supposed to be a quick summary of his character. help. #this is a quick warning about the other bigger post i am writing about him and how his Whole Deal and World View is and why he's being so #soft with forever despite the Nightmare Horrors #to put it more simply: he's built different #qsmp #bbh #q badboyhalo #qsmp character analysis #<- more like qsmp character 'here is everything about this character but hang on there's even More' #HELLPPPPP IM IN THE TRENCHESSSS #did you know there's a 4096 character limit on a block of text. guess how i found that out #but everything is SO IMPORTANT to how he reacts to everything else #he holds grudges like nobody's business but he's also a hypocrite and plays favourites #he's stubborn and Chooses enemies and friends and there are always lines to cross but he understands context #and the forever thing has the context of bad looking at him and going 'i know what you're feeling. i know why you're doing this.' #'i know i would be worse'

[fairuzfan]

hi! i just want to clarify first of all that im pro palestine, but a lot of people in my life aren't. ive been looking for ways to convince them but tbh im kind of lost. ive tried showing reports from websites like al jazeera but that's been dismissed out of hand because they're a middle east jounral and thus must be biased (pointing out that stuff like cnn then must be biased too because they're american hasn't worked lol). so, do you know of more "unbiased" resources/journals/etc, or anything that can argue for palestine? sorry if this is badly worded its pretty late. appreciate everything you've done btw 🇵🇸

No worries, I totally understand where you're coming from.

I guess I wanna ask for clarification—do you know what resources they personally are willing to accept? I can provide from Jewish scholars/voices if that'll help.

The issue is, not many USAmerican/European sources are unbiased, and they often spout imperialist propaganda. So if they're looking primarily for those types resources, I'm afraid I cannot really give you too many.

Here's a segment from an Angela Davis interview from Democracy Now that I like: https://www.democracynow.org/2021/12/28/angela_davis_25th_anniversary_taped_segment

Also her book Freedom Is a Constant Struggle: Ferguson, Palestine, and the Foundations of a Movement: https://www.amazon.com/Freedom-Constant-Struggle-Palestine-Foundations/dp/1608465640

Angela Davis is often pretty vocal about the harms of imperialism throughout the world and specifically mentions Palestine in her activism. I suggest looking to her writings also.

Can't say I know too much about DemocracyNow! though.

Some other scholars/orgs are:

Jewish Voice For Peace: https://www.jewishvoiceforpeace.org/

If Not Now: https://www.ifnotnowmovement.org/

Ilan Pappe (he's specifically "Israeli", if that will help at all)

Frank Barat

Noam Chomsky: https://chomsky.info/

Modoweiss: https://mondoweiss.net/ Now I don't totally love Mondoweiss all of the time but if the people in your life are really against learning from non-Palestinian sources they might be ok to introduce them. They do have Palestinian writers and editors tho.

I guess if its more that they're unwilling to trust SWANA news sources, you could show them The Institute for Palestine Studies, which is associated with Columbia University.

This list was a little difficult because I can't say I'd always recommend these sources (except, well, Angela Davis—I really look up to her—and Institute for Palestine Studies), but it could be a good introduction if they're rejecting other places that have more reliable reporting. If they're willing to accept these places/people, then you could move on to more Palestinian led sources.

I don't know if this helps, but you could say that they should listen to the Palestinian's POV because you'd always asked the people directly involved in a situation what their viewpoint is? Might help shift their understanding.

There are more sources that I thought about adding, but I need to look into them a little more. I might add on to this list later.

Let me know if any of this helps at all or even if it didn't, I'm genuinely really interested to see what they have to say.

#palestine #gaza #info post

[thefirstknife]

i unironically hope Eris stays in her Hive form at least physically bc im already loving how both her & Immaru are pointing out Ikora's (and humanity's) inherent dehumanization of the Hive.

Eris being all "If this form does not leave will you still view me as a friend?"

Immaru when asked where the Experiment Subjects come from and responding with "Don't act like you care."

Honestly, it's so good. I really love the Eris stuff and some of these questions being posed. A lot of people react negatively to Eris doing this, forgetting that Eris has already been part-Hive for a long time. She was just hiding it behind the eye cover.

Technically, nothing inherently changed about Eris; she just embraced that part of her. And that's super important for her arc I think because she's been on a journey of accepting her trauma and her losses for a very long time. We helped her face her fears and traumas in Shadowkeep and she came out of it victorious. And the story never treated it as her traumas being gone; she still has them, but she has the means to tackle them and handle them and live with them. Since we helped her, she became more open and more involved with what we do to save our home, even if it meant tackling dangerous things.

And the thing is, now that her traumas cannot be exploited by Darkness anymore, she's capable of involving herself in these things, knowing that she has friends to fall back to and a support system and better mental fortitude. We've seen it through her endurance beneath the Pyramid on Io, and her grasp of stasis, and her dealing with the Crown of Sorrow and egregore and the Lunar Pyramid nightmares. And now with her embracing her Hive self. It doesn't change anything about her, but people prefer when she hides it so they don't have to see it. And she knows it (Sororicide lore book, page 1):

It's a perfect example of how we inherently view the Hive as untrustworthy. Obviously, there are good reasons for it! The Hive have caused immense pain and trauma to pretty much everyone in the universe, Eris included. It must take an incredible strength of character to embrace the fact that you're physically half-Hive, creatures that traumatised you in the first place. No one else has dealt with anything similar so naturally they're afraid for Eris. But I believe in her strength. And so does Drifter and Drifter is never wrong:

He'd read the reports. He saw the theories on VanNet. He didn't trust them. He trusted her.

There's a cutscene that people skip and can cause people not to see it, I recommend replaying the thing on a different character or seeing it online, but it shows Eris taking off her bandage in front of us:

It's such a powerful image to me. A symbol of her taking off her mask. Not pretending to be the same as us anymore. Because she isn't! The Hive are a part of her and have been for centuries. And she's always been in control. Our mistrust has always hurt her, but before this, we could act with pity towards her. Now that she's fully in Hive form, people's perception of her changed, for really no good reason other than prejudice. She is still Eris.

I definitely think that eventually we will have to reconcile with the idea of the Hive not being inherently evil in totality as a whole group of people. Obviously this is going to be difficult, especially when their leaders act the way they do, but eventually I do believe we will have to accept some of them, even if it's only Eris for a start.

#destiny 2 #destiny 2 spoilers #season of the witch #season of the witch spoilers #eris #immaru #hive #ask #long post #there's just something about like. eris embracing her full self that's so incredibly powerful to me #and that the way we tolerated her before was steeped in the whole. 'as long as you're sufficiently similar to us you're fine' vibe #but she isn't. fundamentally she has been changed to her core and she kept it hidden #we could only see the light of her third eye and even that made people suspicious of her just based on her physical appearance #but beneath that bandage has always been Hive eyes #the hive killed her and the hive saved her. i can't even begin to imagine what kind of complex emotions that would bring her

[snakejar]

the whole williams thing is so bizzare and i am sure absolutely nobody wins from it.

i get that alex is the objectively better driver. i get how important points or even positions are in the bigger picture of the constructors championship and finance wise, and i get that alex has a far better shot of doing better. but this leaves such a sour taste in everyone's mouth that im not sure its worth it.

if you look at the current scene on social media, its a shitshow. williams' comments sections are filled with disapproval, and people are hating both alex and logan with vigour. this is horrible moment for williams.

and what if alex gets into the points? what if he actually does deliver and bumps williams up the rankings? its not a good look anyway. people are going to say he hasnt earned it, he doesnt deserve it, and they're going to be annoyed. the f1 crowds love drama and they love it when drivers fail. they come into the race with expectations that alex is going to fail and fumble the second chance that williams has given him in the form of logan's car, and if he doesnt, then they're going to be pissed that their expectations haven't been fulfilled.

but what if alex doesnt get any points? people are going to point and laugh and they are going to turn their backs on alex and williams more than they have on friday and saturday. again, people love mocking mistakes and disappointment. worse yet, what if alex crashes again? sends it into the wall in turn 8 the same way he did in fp1? he and williams will never hear the end of it.

i cannot imagine the hit this will do to logan's confidence. he was the last driver to get resigned in 2023, but by signing him, williams have put faith in him. they have put trust in his development and his performance for 2024. the level of disrespect this is to logan is genuinely crazy. logan has done nothing but do his best and play for the team, but he has to pay for alex's mistake, and now it is another missed opportunity for him to prove himself. if you look at free practice results from the aus gp, logan and alex's times weren't even separated by a massive margin. there's a huge probability that logan is not going to get resigned for the 2025 season, and there are very few chances for him to prove himself this season. by doing this, williams is telling logan that they have no faith in him, they don't believe he'll perform when they need him to. im afraid this might be the start to the end of logan's f1 career.

what's worse is that williams has lately been the team that appealed to the fans. even if they consistently drove around in the back of the field, fans still loved them for their team dynamic and their drivers and being a small team. they need fan support, because if they dont have the best drivers or a decent cars, then they need to at least have people backing them. but this is just so cold and so un-williamslike, and is going to take a hit on the amount of support they have going forward.

at the end of the day, f1 will always be a game of money. time and time again formula 1 has proved that it cares more about profit than the careers of their drivers. teams will obviously do what will get them the most points, positions, and ultimately prize money. but unless alex pulls off a goddamn miracle in the race tomorrow, i really do not think that any of this is worth it in the end.

#f1 #formula 1 #williams racing #williams f1 #logan sargeant #alex albon #aus gp 2024 #formula one

[aroacedindjarin]

I know so many people have said this already and in much more coherent ways than I can but the way luke was depicted in tbobf (and im not just talking about the uncanny valley cgi… why did they not just recast him orz) makes me so frustrated even now. Especially now. Maybe i’m just a delusional dinluker but i really really believe that luke skywalker needed to be in the mandalorian season3.

I cannot believe luke skywalker would make grogu choose between his dad and becoming a jedi. It is just so explicitly ooc for him. I’m reading the destiny path comic right now and there are so many pages that show luke struggling with the worry that he can’t be a Jedi because he can’t let go of his attachments to his friends. and i know this is a core theme of luke as a character, it’s not new, but the comic is just so explicit about it and goes into depth in a way that it doesn’t have time to explore on screen

It explores luke’s worry about disappointing yoda when he left dagobah to go help leia and han in cloud city, and how he feels about ben and yoda refusing to talk to him anymore or help him through the force because he didn’t make his jedi training a priority above everything and everyone else, like a Selfless Jedi should. and grogu goes through the literal exact same thing. and luke reacts in the exact same way yoda and ben did to him?

In the comic, the radio silence from his teachers eats at him so badly and adds to the struggle he’s going through after finding out Vader is his father and losing his hand. He feels abandoned and afraid and, even though these feelings lead him to realise he can make his own way as a jedi, I just don’t think he’d inflict the same thing on grogu. Even if i were to look at it from a perspective of luke being forced to make his own way without his teachers made him a stronger jedi - so maybe he’s doing the same for grogu?

After all, I know grogu is such a young child so I also understand the series tries to come at it from the angle of respecting a child’s wants and needs, not forcing him to commit to training if he doesn’t want to. But I just don’t understand why luke couldn’t join grogu every now and then. Teach him some jedi stuff on the weekends. They make it seem like luke has nothing better to do anyways, he’s got droids building his school for him and seems to spend his days entirely with grogu anyway. If he went back to tatooine with grogu at the end of tbobf, i just think there would have been so much to explore between luke and literally any of the characters. din and boba specifically of course but if that led to luke in mando s3 there could’ve been so much potential.

Perhaps they just needed a reason for a big emotional scene for grogu to choose his path and his destiny. Perhaps they couldn’t put luke skywalker in the show too much for fear of throwing off the sequels. There’s the argument that luke already had his screen time and, trust me, I also hate the re-usual of existing characters to the point where they’re wringed out of any substance and have been so fleshed-out and developed it’s almost grotesque to force them to stay in the show any longer. but star wars doesnt have a problem with that for so many other characters anyway.

I just wanted to see grogu growing up to be both a Mandalorian and a Jedi. It would’ve been so perfect with the Mand’alor Din storyline too. Grogu, the son of the Ruler of Mandalore and the student of the strongest Jedi in the galaxy, the start of a new generation and so much foundation to explore between Mandalorians and Jedi!!!!!!!

#i was literally just ranting about this to my beloved mutual but i need this on my blog too. #hinderr if ur reading this hi #luke skywalker #dinluke #the mandalorian #star wars #long post

[lume-nosity]

until i found you

characters: albedo, kazuha, mona, xiao

style: fluff

song inspo: until i found you by stephen sanchez (it’s such a beautiful song :sobs:)

notes: reader is gender neutral, this is practically word vomit, not proofread, xiao’s part is pre-confession, i got a little lost writing for kazuha’s part, in mona’s part you and her are/were best friends, apologies for anything ooc im trying to test out writing for other characters, xiao’s karmic debt gets soothed by you (this is listed because i overuse this but i love it), lowercase intended

albedo

as it’s known, albedo’s not used to having to put up with relationships. but ever since you’ve walked into his life that seemed to change. first meeting him when he was doing an experiment and you offered to help. the way you’re patient and reassuring makes him feel warm inside despite being originally made from chalk. you made him feel human. and your eyes, he’d always wonder what makes them look so breathtaking. it may seem off, but in his perspective, your eyes shine like that of a shimmering star. and he would love to research about them too. especially your likes, dislikes, personality, all that jazz. you’re just a stunning person, a stunning mystery. something he’d like to learn more about. even going as far as to ask you questions relating to his research (aka you). and don’t be surprised when you find a painted canvas of yourself at your doorstep as well as a bouquet of your favorite flowers. this is his way of saying he loves you. even though he was taught of the ways of alchemy and other knowledge correlating to the world and is incapable to understand the concept of what love truly means. but with you by his side, maybe then will he know as time goes on.

kazuha

he always follows the wind, right? now, how about he views you as a maple leaf flying with the wind? yes, you mean that much to him. he owes you his life after everything you’ve done for him. before, when you trusted him enough to take him into your stead, not being afraid despite him wielding a blade, and let alone having a wanted samurai in your home! you cared enough to take care of him even after the explanations. you didn’t care, you just wanted to keep him safe. he is deeply grateful of your kind act. and yet can’t ignore that warm feeling in his heart. however overtime you knew he can’t stay in one spot, as he’s a wanderer. so when you both had to part ways and bid each other farewell when the hunting started to die down, he’d vowed he’ll see you again. to truly give you his thanks. and present time, he has! you reunited with him at an isolated flower field. it was no surprise that the winds led you both together again, in a beautiful atmosphere. that was when you two realized you have feelings for each other and were honest about them. both feeling relieved that the other has felt the same way. the maple leaf to his wind, the muse to his poems, and now nature will guide this relationship to go far and wide.

mona

mona believed that chance has brought you two together. the stars were aligned and clear, that you both were destined to be together. she cannot foretell her fate, but she can foretell yours. you know she’s an astrologer, and is always telling the truth of one’s fate no matter how saddening or shocking it is. because that’s the way of astrology, yes? mona’s afraid to disappoint you after knowing what your future would look like. she is this close to you and she wouldn’t want to ruin your shared bond. well, even after knowing the warnings, you still want to know what your future would be like. you don’t care if it’s good or bad, because the truth is the truth. and you trust mona. so when she performed a hydromancy for you, everything was crystal clear in mona’s eyes. mona had to stop and process what was displayed in front of her. the future is known, that you two are meant to be together. she was flustered and tried to keep her composure but failed courtesy of her pink blush plastered on her face. destiny can’t lie about this, it’s written in the stars. she even performed a divination to put the icing on the cake. again, destiny can’t lie about these things. your fates were sealed. but what mona missed on her scryglass is that you too, feel the same way. surprising how pure chance can lead two stars to intertwine, it’s such a beauty.

xiao

he won’t admit it, but your stubbornness won him over. whenever he keeps telling you to stay away from him because of his karmic debt you always stuck to him like glue. at first this was annoying to him, because you’re like a stain that’s unable to be cleaned. he finds it irritating to say the least because he’s just trying to keep you safe and yet here you are taking every chance to see him. but now, he’s at ease. he doesn’t mind the accompaniment. only if it’s you. he can’t help but wonder ‘how can a mortal be this persistent?’ and how your presence soothes him like that of a blanket enveloping him; ridding him of any karmic debt lingering within him. the feeling is warm and softer than the almond tofu he’s usually served at the inn. you even listened in to his past because he trusts you that much. and for you to give him a simple hug made his brain malfunction. sure, he isn’t used to physical contact, but this is different. it cleanses him of his debt, the screams in his head subsided, it’s quiet. he closes his eyes and his arms shakily moved on their own and wrapped themselves around you as well. ‘thank you.’ is what he said. he tightened the hug a little while you rubbed circles around his back. he doesn’t understand how can a mortal like yourself be this sympathetic towards a yaksha who had done terrible things in the past and yet you showed bits and pieces of comfort despite it all. you understood him. because of this he silently promised himself that he will always protect you no matter how small or insignificant the matter is and to always be there for you. and maybe someday, he will realize his feelings for you. maybe someday he will realize he does have a purpose. this is the first step in changing xiao’s thoughts towards himself, and to you. and you’re right there to see it all.

an: so here’s the second upload for today! surprise surprise! i hope my word vomit will do your hearts justice because one time i’ve made my english teacher cry and be impressed by writing something similar to these,,, but anyways, i hope you enjoyed reading this little something and i’ll be going to bed now good night :)

#✏️ lume writes #genshin #genshin impact #genshin x reader #genshin impact x reader #albedo x reader #kazuha x reader #kaedehara kazuha x reader #mona x reader #xiao x reader #albedo x you #kazuha x you #kaedehara kazuha x you #mona x you #xiao x you #genshin fluff #genshin impact fluff

[ystrike1]

Never Ending Darling - by Woollee (9/10)

A yandere mad scientist? Nice. In a modern setting? Nice. The plot makes sense and it moves quick? Nice. This one is almost too good to be true. It's brand new and I hope it keeps moving fast. This is a thriller that delivers on every level. It's psychologically and visually horrifying.

Ha-Im lives a simple life. She graduated but she can't work yet, because she has to care for her sick mom. Her mother has late stage stomach cancer. It's incurable...but then one day it isn't. A brilliant scientist named Geunhu has perfected body cloning. It's not legal to clone the brain, but everything else can be replaced. You can have a fit body. A slim body. You can pay to get your disabilities fixed. Police don't have to worry about dying as much. Most fatal wounds and diseases that don't affect the brain can be wiped away with a new copy of your own body.

There are little hints about the madness that is coming. People are a little more violent now. Streamers cut off body parts for money on camera, because they can afford to replace those parts. A physical limit has been removed, and now humanity is changing permanently. People are meaner, more careless, and obsessed with staying young and beautiful. Nobody goes to the gym anymore. Why would you? Buying a new body is fairly easy and cheap.

Geunhu is her boyfriend. He was a nice, quiet guy. They had a ton of fun together. Geunhu never wanted to be apart from her, even for a day. He was corny and loving. They were a really great couple, but then Ha-Im hit her head. She fell into a coma and her brain could not be saved. Geunhu backed up her memories, and he cloned her brain. Nobody can stop him. He's one of the most powerful people in the world right now. Humanity is now dependant on his technology. Doctors, cops, and politicians all love it. Geunhu can do whatever he wants.

He wants his life with Ha-Im to be perfect. He wants her to adore him as much as he adores her. He wants perfection. He clones sakura trees for his cheesy marriage proposal. They used to go to the sakura festival every year when they were in university. It was their first date too. Ha-Im is touched, but something feels wrong. That festival was special because it happens once a year. Guenhu wants that feeling every day, but that's not how a relationship works. Every day can't be a perfect sakura festival.

Ha-Im gets suspicious, and her instincts are correct. Guenhu is not as loving as he used to be. She keeps seeing weird messages everywhere. Messages written in her own writing. Those messages tell her the truth. She's a clone. The real Ha-Im died of brain damage a long time ago, and Guenhu is nuts. He kills her when she finds out. He kills her whenever she gets mad at him. His quest for perfection has made him an abusive monster.

Geunhu does love her, in a twisted kind of way. There is a penthouse full of shell bodies for her. If she ever gets hurt again he has twenty back up bodies ready to go. He shows them to her. He worked tirelessly to effectively make her immortal, because he loves her so much. She's afraid. She screams and cries. Existential horror grips her. Guenhu has been cutting out certain memories. She doesn't know if she loves Guenhu anymore. Her memories don't belong to her. He controls what they are. I'm pretty sure one of the plot twists will be about the original Ha-Im. The original Ha-Im may have fallen out of love with him, but he erased those memories.

He proposes in front of the wall of shell bodies. She says no. She tells him this is too much, and she's afraid. He's playing god. He's turned into a narcissist. He experimented on her without her consent, and he killed her before. She saw a body that looked like her in his bathtub. He can kill her and reboot her anytime. She cannot trust him, so she tries to break up with him.

He shoots her, and he cracks. Guenhu starts complaining. Her whining ruined his awesome sakura proposal. He doesn't like her attitude. She should be happy to be loved so wholeheartedly by such a rich man. He worked so hard to become the best husband ever. If she can't see that he doesn't want this ungrateful version of her. He shoots her, and shoves her happy memories into a new shell while she is dying on the ground.

Ha-Im has an ally. Her best friend is a cop, who is a really good person. Guenhu threatens her, but she doesn't give up. Ha-Im teams up with her, and they try to take Guenhu down. They're alone. Guenhu is universally beloved. He literally cured cancer and ended the obesity epidemic. The world wants the mad genius to keep creating more miracles for them. Nobody cares about his girlfriend. Nobody cares if he abuses her. Especially not the police commissioner.

Ha-Im has to act like she's in love. Her life depends on it. She can't report Guenhu to the police. She has to get creative. He proposes and she accepts. She tries on a wedding dress for him, and he cracks even more. Guenhu has become a typical unbearable rich guy. When a tailor accidentally spills water on her he tries to get the woman fired. Ha-In loses her shit and calls him an unbearable narcissistic rich prick. He almost kills her right there, but she kisses him and acts dumb to stay alive. The gun in his back pocket proves that he doesn't really love her. He just wants a picture perfect marriage with his university sweetheart. Also, he wants her to be completely dependent on him. Red flag. Guenhu used to be a good boyfriend. Ha-Im feels betrayed and she wants revenge. I don't know who will win. Geunhu is a genius, but he's very stupid and unstable around Ha-Im.

#yandere #male yandere #yandere male #yandere boy #recommendations #recs #rec #recommended #webtoon #horror #psychological horror #Never Ending Darling

[oneangstymotherfucker]

tw csa mention / k!nk mention

Something that gets to me about the anti mindset is that it doesn't seem to be able to account for the fact that we might be reading age-gap stuff from the younger person's perspective. Why do they always assume otherwise? (Of course it's okay if you do, but for this post im talking about the other side).

The truth is, sexuality cannot be completely severed from childhood experiences. From what I've read, most kinks and interests develop alongside the rest of our personality(ies). This is very normal.

It is also very normal to engage in 'pleasure seeking' as a child. Something feels nice on your body, so you keep doing it. I started when I was about six, and every therapist I've talked to has said that is normal.

The age during which you start understanding your bonds and relationships to other people is also very important, and since it affects your development and the rest of your life, going back to those ideas and looking at them can be very healing.

So it makes sense why anyone would be interested in metaphorically 'going back' to those times in their lives and exploring what they didn't have words or capacity to understand back then. Real children do not have the capacity to understand or cope with sex. They are not ready, and it would cause them harm. Maybe it did cause you harm. Fictional children are not real children. Fictional children are an extension of our own inner child, a way for us to process what we couldn't then now that we are safe and have more control of our lives. It doesn't undo the harm, but it can help you sort it out and move on from it.

So yeah, all of this is even more important if you have been hurt. I write about the ages 6-12 a lot because that's around the time I was hurt. It's not that im 'stuck there' or 'fetishizing' it (you can't 'fetishize' your own trauma) - I am doing work there. I am reclaiming it there. I am making sure the needy little 12 year old in me is safe and happy.

But as for me and myself- I was still afraid. I might always be. For a long time I couldn't even approach sexuality. When I finally did it was talking to old men online, trying to get them to believe I was much younger than I was, playing with them and seeing what they would say. That was what felt safe. The only 'part' of me that felt safe being sexual was the part that was still a kid.

I don't cope like that anymore. I found a way that I like better, that is more under my control and is way less risky to myself and the potential people i was talking to. And that is writing fiction!!!!

Through fiction I can set up places where all of me feels safe (even if it might not look safe to you or would not be safe in the real world!). I can create scenarios where I can work through my fears, provide comfort and safety, and make a good place for my kid self to figure things out (and yes, get off).

And it has been helping! We've been feeling safer and more confident since we started writing, and we've learned so much about ourselves and how to feel safe.

I studied psychology for four years. There isn't really terminology for a 'bad coping mechanism'. There is the idea of maladaptive coping mechanisms, but here's the thing- what makes a coping mechanism maladaptive is wether it causes more harm than good in the person's life on a case by case basis.

The idea that a random stranger thinks they have the authority over your life and your unique psychology to tell you that you are hurting yourself with your coping mechanisms is ridiculous. No stranger online knows - or should know - the details of your trauma or life. They have no say in what is good for you. If you are worried something might be hurting you or holding you back, that is for you and maybe a trusted professional to figure out. It is certianly not for some squicked teenager or anyone else online to dictate.

Also, sexuality and brains are really complicated. You don't need trauma (or to remember it) in order to enjoy something. You're allowed to ship any ship for any reason. Bonus points if one of the reasons is because it makes you happy, because you deserve to be happy!

All ships are just roleplays. All fics are just scenes. When I write I put up tags to let people know what's in the scene. I hold on good faith that they are reading the tags, and they that I am not tagging incorrectly. I give them my scene, and if they at any point don't like what I'm doing, they stop reading. It is really very simple!!!

Finally, if you do have sexual trauma, you don't ever have to 'sterilize' it or be 'pure' about it. It's okay to have leftover feelings and kinks and interests that might seem backwards or not make sense to other people. You don't have to conform to a bullshit 'good survivor' image of some saintly person who put all that behind them and avoids avoids avoids like a pure little virgin mary.

You can look at it if you want to. You can pull it apart with your hands, you can reclaim it and get off to it if you want to, you can share it with consenting others and let them get off to it too. That is all okay and good. That is just being human. You are okay.

#proship #tw csa mention #anti anti #anticensorship #pro fiction #k!nk mention #not me talking about writing when i havent updated me fics in like a month #kink mention

[seginbeats]

Dark type specialists are interesting to me.

Actually, any trainer that specializes in one type interests me, because I believe that the trainer reveals a lot about their personality, morals, passions and beliefs through the type that dominates their team of Pokémon. All of the elements have positive and negative aspects; you can have a water-type specialist like Kofu who represents the bounty of the ocean, how it feeds us, how we rely on it for food. At the same time, we see Team Aqua's Archie as a symbol of all that we fear about the sea: all consuming waves, storms, drowning, being stranded.

There's no such thing as a "bad" type, but I believe that specific Pokémon types have more stigma than others. Ghost, Poison of course, but I'm going to focus on the Dark type right now.

All of the antagonistic teams across the board have grunts, admins and leaders that use dark types; dark type Pokemon are aggressive attackers, and prominently have the Intimidate ability. Characters such as Grimsley, Nanu and Piers are heavily implied to be social loners, struggle with their moral compass, and are more often than not, seen as less-than-savory in their personalities.

Even NPC characters such as punks, delinquents and street thugs are usually seen carrying dark type Pokémon in their squad. What im saying is that these trainers have a tendency to become criminals.

Dark-type specialists seem to lean morally grey, or chaotic. These characters are using Pokémon that they can relate to, tame efficiently and remain in sync with. To understand a dark type means to know what it's like to be in sullen, deep, overwhelming feeling.

Since prehistoric days, we as humans have feared the dark. It's the unknown. It's a factor we cannot predict. Anything can be in the dark-- things are hiding in there. Are they hiding from larger beasts that are stalking the shadows-- or are THEY using the black corners as the predators, waiting to strike? You're only safe in the dark if you know how to use your teeth and surrender to some of your base, primal instincts.

I'm rambling about all of this because Giacomo as a dark-type specialist is so interesting to me. He's not-- BAD by the standards of other Pokémon antagonists. Clearly the kid is loyal to his friends, his team's cause, and knows when to back down and stop. Here's the thing though: plenty of other terrible people are also overly loyal to their friends and their cause to a fault. (Team Rocket, Team Flare, etc etc.)

What I'm saying is that the kid is decent in attitude, but he's using dark types for a reason. He's smart, terribly smart; he was counsil president after all, wrote up the code of conduct for Team Star and got them to listen. He's a good trainer, Giacomo has a Kingambit for fuck's sake, that isn't an easy Pokémon to evolve up, let alone work alongside. He plays dumb and acts immaturely because he IS still just a teenager. But he's not afraid to be manipulative and cunning in order to get what he wants; zero impulse control means that he's going to follow his base instincts and do what he needs to win, to be safe and to be sure that he has the advantage over someone. He chases dopamine. He chases thrill. He dislikes adults, doesn't trust them at all. At the same time, he takes the validation of an adult and runs with it.

He's such a toss up. He has the potential to become a really, really awful person as an adult. Giacomo is easily manipulated, and if he believes what he is doing can potentially help his friends, he's not going to question it because of the poor impulse control. Or, he can turn out to be a brilliant trainer who uses his knowledge to overwhelm opponents as a gym leader. It all depends on the adults who wind up surrounding him, and the choices he makes on his own. (Think Anakin Skywalker; giving in to the light side or the dark side.)

But at the end of the day, he IS a dark type specialist, and he isn't above playing dirty and being shady, whether intentionally or unintentionally. Giacomo will never be a "good person" by accepted societal standards.

#;;mobile posting #{ wow that was a ramble idk if that makes sense. } #{ MY brain is crispy so I might hate this and retcon it in the morning} #{ Thinking about how Giacomo's canon teen choices remind me so much of how I headcanon'd my Guzma. and we all know how well that became. } #{ Oh Giacomo you dumb ass. } #☆ ‹ production room › headcanon

[queerprayers]

i wish i could be like you. i wish he could love me as he loves you. but im so far away. i ran away from him as fast as i could as a terrified and angry child but little did i know i didnt move an inch: hed never let me. for it i hate him, the feeling is mutual and my existance is concrete proof. is the transition from burning metaphorically to literally so jarring as it's said to be? i'll find out. he'll whisper the answer in my ear for the first and last time.

but im so very glad you found peace and love in him and im so happy the feeling is mutual. im not good with tone but like im being honest. i wish you the best in all you do.

Hello, beloved. This is so honest and vulnerable and I have so much love for you. I know it's been a long time, but I hear you. I don't know if anything I can say can get across to you how much you matter, how much I'm glad for your existence. But I'll always try. And I know all of this is easier said than lived out, but we have to say it first.

You're not like me, and you don't have my experiences and emotions, because you're not me. I don't know you, but I know we didn't grow up the same way, we weren't taught the same things, we don't have the same life. However appealing others' lives may seem, we can't have them. We only have what we've been given, however hard and alone it is. I'm sorry, but I'm mostly grateful that you can bring your unique experience to the world. Diversity of life benefits us all.

I don't know if you'll believe me, but I do know that I am not more loved than you. God's love is outside of our comprehension, and because it is infinite and more-than-human, we are held equally and fully in the universe's love. There is not more or less of it, it just is.

You're right, it doesn't matter how much you run--God is there. There is no place without Them. This is scary sometimes, and you can hate it, but I hope there are moments where this is comforting to you. Every moment of your life and experience is within God. Sometimes we need to run, transform our lives, exist completely differently. And you'll find God is there, too. And does it suck, to be fully known? Yeah, sometimes.

You're allowed to hate God. It's not a space I would recommend staying in, if only for your peace of mind, but it's allowed. It's a real experience. If that's where you are right now, that's where you are. Bring it to Them! There is no world in which God hates you back, but sometimes we can't believe that yet. For now, maybe, you bring your fear and anger and loneliness to God, and see what it can transform into.

Trying to comprehend God does burn, I know that all too well. But we cannot let that burning be mistaken for hate. Hate has touched me many times, especially as a queer person, and it's cold and unfeeling. But that burning? Learning to let God love us hurts. It's too much to bear, sometimes. Sometimes I think it'd be easier to live in an indifferent universe. Then I wouldn't feel like I owe anyone anything. But we don't, we live in a fully aware, breathing universe, that wants us to know Love. We can be angry at it, and then we can let it lead us to full life. You've opened up so much to me. Keep opening yourself up to people, to experience, and to God.

I can't tell you with any certainty what awaits you, especially after death. There's so much trust that goes into not being afraid of death, trust that you might not be able to process right now. Live, for now. Life is the most jarring thing you have to process/experience right now. Don't let thoughts of death take up your precious life.

I promise I don't have anything special. (Well, I do, with God's help, but no more than we all do.) At some point, I've thought almost everything you've written about myself and my own life. I've found peace and love with God, but I've also found anger and loneliness and doubt. I'm in a better space right now, and this blog reflects that, but I've fought to get here, tooth and nail. There is no peace without growth. There is no love without a fight.

Thank you for your kindness toward me, even as you struggle. It would be so easy for you to be angry with me. Happiness for the people we're jealous of is a skill I haven't fully learned yet. That right there, that compassion, tells me that you have so much love within you. Perhaps someday you can extend that love to yourself (who God made), and to the world (who is God). You're in my prayers. I'm proud of you.

<3 Johanna

#asks #y'all send me poetry and sometimes i don't know how to tell you that.

[shai-manahan]

hi shai! the update was awesome, im analyzing each line meticulously for lore haha. if you're still doing the angst promps, how about ❛ it’s okay. you can let go. ❜ and ❛ in my dreams, we’re still together. ❜, for wesley?

A little late for me to be answering this, but thank you!! Here we go, then:

"Do you remember?"

There, the axe has fallen. For so long you've waited for it, dreaded it, all the while staring at its tip in utter denial.

One would believe you're overthinking it all, that Wesley is simply opening up a nice conversation about some long forgotten past, but it is not the words that concern you. It's the tone of their voice, the unnerving gentleness in the way each syllable is carried, as if they are about to deliver news of the doom.

"When I first talked to you about… well, about everything I wanted to do for the city, do you remember?"

"How could I not?" Your voice comes out faint, but you keep yourself otherwise steady. "That was a little too hard to forget."

You were a little too hard to forget.

"I keep thinking about that day for a while now." A sad smile makes its way to their face. "Sometimes I dream about it, too. Just as I dream about the first time I saw you, or when we met Richard."

The smile fades; a hurt frown beckons.

"In those same dreams," they continue, "I can feel that we're still together."

Together.

Don't say it. Don't ask them.

Don't.

"Are we not?"

Their lips curl, as if holding back from saying what they've set out to tell you. Still, it only lasts for a moment, and a mask is set into place. "Can you tell me so?"

"Why me?"

"Because you're the one who has the right to end it all."

The words hit deeper than they should. There's a fury rising in you like a violent flame rekindled, and memories of their betrayal overwhelms everything else.

You cannot deny the feelings that are lingering still—you love them, and perhaps you will never stop loving them. And yet, beneath all the hope it brings you, beneath all the possibilities of a future together, you can't help but ask yourself:

What if they betray you again?

The thought hurts you even more, and you clench your jaw, a desperate attempt at hiding your emotions. They see through it, of course.

They see through everything, whenever you're involved.

"It's okay. You can let go." Wesley reaches for your chin, lifting it gently so your eyes could meet theirs. And they do. The gaze that settles before you is warm with affection and a firm resignation, and they heave a sigh—face close enough for you to feel their breath. "If that's what will make the pain go away, you need to let go."

Then it cracks.

As soon as they say it, an unbridled fear replaces the warmth, and try as they may, they can no longer bring the mask back. It is there, bare for you to see. The image of someone who's feeling lost, afraid, hopeless. Someone who has absolutely no idea what they want for themself.

It dawns on you then, that for almost a decade, it has been you and them. Richard was there to guide you, to help you survive, but Wesley... Wesley was there during the darkest of times. When you needed someone who understood your grief. When you needed a friend who never hesitated with you around. When you needed a lover who could fill the emptiness in your heart.

They were there for you, and you were there for them. 

But you’re not those people anymore. You can’t find it in yourself to fully trust them again, and it’s hard to believe Wesley will be able to bounce back from the guilt that enwraps them. That is to say: you’ve both changed too much, and you can find no way to revert to whom you once were. For that, there will be nothing more cruel than letting this fester any further.

So you step away from the person in front of you, steeling yourself for what you’re about to say, no matter how much it breaks all that you are.

“I already have.”

#f wesley #hollowed minds prompts #interactive fiction #hollowed minds series #hollowed minds #writing #wip #hasibeengood #choicescript

[star-ocean-peahen]

fuck. my family is so messed up.

(i just need to get this off my chest)

(also idk even what to add as trigger warnings so like. parents being scary bc of their behavior??)

so my mom doesn't believe that my younger sibling is telling the truth about some wrongdoing because they have lied to her about similar things many times in the past and because she was sitting in a place where she would have seen them if they did what they said they did.

my dad believes that my sibling did not do the thing and is very upset with her for not trusting him. he was saying to my sibling with contempt that my mother is afraid of raising a teenager and implying heavily that she is being controlling and unfairly mistrustful towards them because of her fear. i really didnt like hearing this because my sibling already has a fractured relationship with our mom and being a young teenager, refuses to believe that she has his best interests in mind. and my dad says things like that to them a lot, where he expresses his upset opinions on what she does to him and their kids. it communicates that he thinks she shuts down everyone that disagrees with her mistreating her kid or husband and that she is a selfish, cruel person who cannot be trusted.

i don't think this is true at all. my mom and i are very close and she shares a lot with me. she has depression and various physical problems, which means she makes some mistakes. but guess fucking what she tries to understand when we're hurt and apologizes when she fucks up, and my dad never fucking does that. haha.

anyway my dad doesn't actually believe those things about my mom; they're both committed to working on their marriage and taking care of our family. he just doesn't have a filter when he's upset and doesn't understand sometimes what's appropriate to say to a kid.

so he said that to my sibling and then in the other room i spoke to him and asked him why he said that etc. he said he wants my sibling to understand where she's coming from (being a coward.) i said that expressing that was just going to damage their relationship because now they know that their dad doesn't trust their mom to treat them right. he said that she "dumped and vomited" (referring to emotional confiding) on him and he knows that she accuses them of things they don't do. so he was basically calling her a coward that hurts her family (which is not his real opinion of her because all the rest of his actions say otherwise). even though we were arguing, we weren't angry at each other, which is like the third time that's happened in my life.

in the end, i just started feeling really stupid and like i fucked up in saying anything at all and like i needed to apologize for questioning his parenting and questioning his perception of my mom and like i really was just her patsy ganging up with her against them. i always always always feel like im wrong at the end of an argument with him and even though i've grown and am willing to admit i'm wrong, i really didn't want to because he's NEVER going to tell me that he's wrong.

and there we go haha he never tells me that i'm right or that i did good. he's never fucking done that and hello self-doubt that's where you came from. hahaha i guess this is why i couldn't believe that i could ever be right about anything important as a middle schooler. and like. that's bad? that's a bad dad thing to do. that's a mistake on his part, not mine.

when the argument ended i just left to another room and cried like i always do after we argue. what am i supposed to do. our family is fucked up and im pretty sure that when my dad says that kind of thing to my sibling he's damaging their relationship with my mom and not helping the kid grow or building their self esteem. he's just teaching them that mom is unreliable. like yes it's important that kids know they can be right and the parent can be wrong but you don't teach that by basically telling the kid that their parent's a horrible person. you teach that by showing the kid that the parents are fallible and make mistakes and hurt you sometimes but it's their job to apologize and do better. and it's pretty rich coming from him because again, she apologizes to us and he doesn't. not even when he yells at us and it's so scary we end up crying. or when he says inappropriate things that are really scary when he's upset. or for calling my fatigue and exhaustion a "bitchy attitude". for a lot of those things he realized they were wrong and didn't do them again but he never apologized!! not because he didn't want to but because it literally just didn't occur to him!!

and it hurts so fucking much that im never going to get that from him. he loves me so much but he can't do this for me. i will always be the only one apologizing even if we both acknowledge we're wrong. fuck.

it feels so much like i have to take sides when he thinks of my mom this way. like i jump in to defend her but then im jumping in to defend her and that's incendiary and escalates the conflict. but i can't just let him tell my sibling all these awful, false things just because he's upset and not aware of how bad they are. and i can't tell all this to my mom because she should hear his thoughts from him, not me, in the same way my sibling should hear our mom's perspective from her and not him. i don't know what to fucking do and i hate myself so much right now for challenging him and believing the best of my mom.

im so fucking tired. my dad isn't doing any of these things out of malice he's just genuinely so upset and wrapped up in his own head that he doesn't realize what he's doing is hurtful. we've been building up more trust over the past few years as we've had more positive experience together but this just broke it all again. fuck.

and this isn't immediately relevant but i want to rant about all the inappropriate stuff he says if he's mad:

he's compared our outbursts or lashing out to vomiting and other visceral, disgusting, unwelcome intrusions.

he said very loudly in the middle of a restaurant with our friends at the same table (in the middle of a dispute with me) that if he had a gun to his head then he would do what my mom wanted.

when i was fifteen he told me that if there were ever gunmen holding me and my mom hostage and they told him to choose one of us to live that he would choose neither and let us both die because then he wouldn't have chosen to let one specific person die because that would be equivalent to murder. i was fucking fifteen and he told me he would rather have both me and my mother dead than feel like he committed a murder.

when i was a kid and fucked around with a steak knife he took it brandished it in my face and threatened to slice me with it if i was careless again. ever since i've compulsively glued my eyes to his hands when he's using a kitchen knife and i didn't even realize why until a few weeks ago. i also flinch every time he holds a knife and moves in my direction.

he swears. called my mom a bitch once. told me i was spewing shit and garbage.

this barely counts but he told me as a side note on multiple different occasions while discussing the bible verse that refers to soiled rags that it means rags soaked with period blood. like dad i don't need you to tell me that period blood is really gross i know already.

now for almost every single one of these things he either did them once and never again or has stopped doing them. that's why im not more concerned. but it still. it still hurts.

haha i just remembered that the one and only nightmare that make me wake up crying involved him yelling. im. im not really helping my case here.

fuck we're so messed up.

#yayyyyy dysfunctional families. #what do i even tag as trigger warnings ay yi yi #im a fucking messsssss right now #thank fuck i have a therapy appointment on tuesday #lassie vents #vent #personal

[stupidscav]

it is thundering so hard outside and there is lightning and I love it. but I feel so bad because im still in bed and still tired all the time and cannot enjoy it as I did as a kid. because I have to worry about wet clothes or judgement or fixing all my hair and body just to get it washed away again, which is not the rains fault, it is supposed to do that, I think that was the joy of it. now I feel like an adult as a kid in a lazy tense body watching the world go by around me. why can I never go outside anymore without being afraid?

i dont know if it is cptsd from. like quarantine and I was so stuck. I don't think I have ptsd even though I am still stressed. of course. i know I still carry it in the way that I never want to sleep and doing school at home fucking terrifies me and anything moldy or old or simply unwashed makes me want to cry. I say that I am better a lot. I guess it's true but I don't know if I'll ever be actually okay again, if I can enjoy the things I did, if I can trust my family or do my work.

thanks to my best friend leaving me for months when I tried to just make her happy again because even one word would have made me feel less abandoned. I guess I understand but I have such a hard time forgiving because I say that I have even though I'm still angry. and I don't think I'm angry for this long because before if I was I would be bleeding.

I don't know what 'okay' feels like anymore.

because I can never remember shit and even though I can't remember it it still HURTS. SO MUCH. I didn't know why I was so scared, I didn't know why I was so skittish around my mom, listening for every tone in her voice to know when to apologize and hide.

I can't remember my childhood anymore the good parts of it. I know a few but looking back on them is painful because I will never feel like that again. I got robbed of my youth for years and now I'm just in a rush to hurry up and work, work, work and then die, just like everybody else in this god forsaken place.

#vent #trauma #self harm #childhood trauma

[dianaraven]

ok your turn, tell me all about your ocs👀

Sorry this took two weeks to respond to, school makes me work on my own time:

BOY OH BOY IM SO EXCITED TO TALK ABOUT MY OCS

So right now I have two main series that I'm working on, and one manuscript for a different series that is finished and going through editing.

Two main series are called Makings of Magic--previously the "Alexis" series--and Crystal Kingdom. The manuscript I have finished is the first book in my Save the Princess (STP) duology. It was my nano project for 2020 (and I won nano!! which was nice). Most of these have tags: tmom or the makings of magic and stp1 or stp, idr if ive posted much about ck before

The Makings of Magic

This is a whole ass world, nine book + companions series that I've been working on since I was 10. I could literally be here all day explaining who all the characters are, but I'll just go for the main gang and a summary:

Summary: Fantasy minor professional jock Alic gets kidnapped by baddies because they think she has a secret magic that they want to use their evil ways to un-secret. She does not have any of this magic. She ends up being the center of a secret-magic conspiracy and eventually is freed and decides to go after the people who kidnapped her, with another guy they kidnapped, and accidentally creates an international incident and starts a war while the conspiracy-nuts continue to try and prove that they're right by attacking people Alic knows.

Alic:

Alic is the mc of the series. She's very silly, and very brave. She's one of those people who will do anything on a dare. You cannot scare you, you cannot phase her, you cannot make her uncomfortable. She never lies because she doesn't see the point of it. She isn't afraid of anything. Light of my life. Not very smart <3

Gray:

Gray is the local prince, and Alic's best friend. They're basically QPR partners. He spends most of his time changing his personality so that people will like him (and thereby listen to him) but really he's very petty and a little neurotic and when combined with Alic willing to do very dumb things, because with Alic, Gray doesn't have to pretend to be put-together, and they love each other a lot and get into loads of trouble <3

commission from @/lovermyme (alic is right, Gray is left)

Topaz:

Topaz is the manager of Alic's fantasy jock team. He's very suspicious of other people, and very good at spying on others. Alic (and by extension, Gray) decide he is their friend and he gets dragged into their crazy adventures. He leaves for three chapters in book three and they accidentally commit war crimes.

Jacian:

Jacian is a prince and scholar of magic from a nearby kingdom and he is blackmailed into helping the conspiracy-nuts essentially torture Alic until they figure out what magic she has. He and his gang of do-gooders end up freeing Alic, but in the process the conspiracy-nuts kill his father and give Jacian memory loss and brain damage and he sets out to try and figure out what he has forgotten: which is who killed his father and who the Big Bad is. This is a majority of the plot in books three and four as well as his side companion book. He's kinda wishy washy and nerdy which Alic thinks is cute.

Crystal Kingdom

Summary: This is my Princess and the Pea retelling. I'm not going to go too much into the plot here because hehe i like it being a surprise.

Zira: Zira is a paranoid, neurotic prince of a city-state that is constantly under attack (hence the paranoia and neurosis). He's also mean and bitchy and very petty, and doesn't trust Leihari, the supposed nearby Princess who supposedly lost her family and her country after a usurper supposedly kicked her family out. What sucks is that he may also be falling in love with her.

Leihari: Leihari is (supposedly) a princess from a far away city-state who has lost her crown and is staying with Zira and his family. In return for their kindness, she is helping them out with matters of state and other things a princess is supposed to do. She's kind, and a little sad, but trying to make the best of her new situation. It would be much easier of the prince stopped being mean to her. What's really frustrating is that he's wonderful to everyone else--it's just that he's paranoid. But seeing what he is like when he is nice to others makes her yearn to earn his trust, and maybe she starts falling in love with him too. Supposedly. But in the meantime, she isn't going to take any of his shit.

STP

Summary: My nano baby! This is a Princess and the Pauper retelling with dragons!! It's very exciting and i love it a lot :) Takes place in a historical alternate universe (with dragons) in about 500 BCE, in Ancient Israel because I'm Jewish and I thought why the hell not.

Adina: The Princess. Adina was meant to be married off to the highest bidder as any good princess of the time will, until her older brother was killed and she became next in line to the throne. Realizing that she knew nothing about her own people--after all, she's been expecting to be married off--she decides to switch places with someone who looks exactly like her. And everything is fine until the dragons attack.

Adina is quiet and generally second-best, and scared of the unknown and not meant for adventure, but she has a responsibility to go after the dragon that attacked her people, so off she goes. She's even shocked herself by how brave she's trying to be.

Dekeli: The Extortionist. A cloth merchant who works for dragons and was doing fine until everyone in the known world came out trying to kill a bunch of them. Now he has to get his latest job finished, and the easiest way for him to do that is by extorting Adina's secrets. Ironically, he's the person she can trust the most. Probably.

He's snarky and rude and very good at what he does. Adventure finds him, and he goes with a flair and a quip. It gets on Adina's nerves.

Mara: The Pauper. She's meek and smart and that's all Adina needs from her, so that's good. Right? Nothing more needs to be said, right? She has no ulterior motives--why would she?... right?

#diana rambles #diana's ocs #diana writes #diana replies #my-friends-fan #diana writes the makings of magic #tmom #stp1 #ck #diana writes crystal kingdom