#but jfc that was similar to how i handled it with my ex i just

[theboarsbride]

A Court of Thorns and Roses (Rant) Review.

Rating: 2⭐⭐/5 stars

Genre: Fantasy/Romance

Length: 420 pages

Review: Soooo……..needless to say I really did not enjoy this book (nor did I ever really anticipate such because this was a hate-read and I cannot stand SJM as both an author and a person lmao). This is going to be a long rant review, and I know a lot of what I'll bring up has been brought up previously in other reviews, but I will still try to provide new insight nonetheless! This review will come in segments, and can be accessed beneath the cut.

ALSO!! There will be spoilers throughout this review. Don't read any further if you don't wish to be spoiled!

AND ALSO! This is merely my opinion. If you enjoy this series, AWESOME! I'm glad for you, this just isn't for me, and I, in good faith, cannot give this book a good review.

⚠️AND NOW CONTENT WARNINGS⚠️ There will be mentions of sexual assault and overall abusive and possessive behavior. I will mark parts of the review that mention these themes with an asterisks (*) so that you may avoid that content if you're not up for reading about it.

NOW ONTO THE REVIEW!!

1. What I liked - While this was still a hate-read I don't want to be a total downer and I wanted to find something about SJM's writing that I enjoyed. Granted there wasn't a lot, but they were still there!

- To start, I feel like SJM can write really interesting and tense action scenes. The opening scene with the killing of the wolf, the naga chase scene (which, like… why are we getting naga in this very clearly English/Celtic folklore-inspired world, and to never have similar creatures featured again?), the trials Under the Mountain, etc. Just, overall, the third act taking place Under the Mountain was so fun!! Like, it wasn't great and still riddled with SJM's writing and other uhhhh questionable stuff (we'll get there), but overall I enjoyed it so much more than the previous two-thirds of the book!

- There were also some romantic moments that I thought were really sweet, and I wish we saw more of that! I wish we saw more of Feyre and Tamlin’s relationship blossom more!

Now onto stuff I didn't like…..(there's a lot)

1. The Writing and Characters - I can't stand SJM's writing style. The obvious annoyance is her overuse of em dashes, and also ellipses. Both of these were so incredibly unnecessary in her work, and only distracted me, and slowed my reading.

- And also she reuses the same sentence structure, and it annoyed me once I noticed it (ex.- i was going to the bathroom, which was white and clean and shining. Then, I went to school, a place that was dull and bland and boring.) 

- Like jfc. I wholeheartedly believe the conspiracy that no one actually edits SJM's book because good LORD.

- I refuse to believe that SJM knows, or would even care to know, how to write believable poor people. I refuse to believe that Feyre’s family has been destitute for nearly a decade - because they sure as hell don’t come across like it. Feyre’s sisters, Elaine and Nesta, act so dainty and bitchy about work and survival despite living this way for ALMOST 10 YEARS. Their mentalities, how they react to being poor, how they treat their belongings, how they treat and handle their food, how they handle their money, etc. doesn’t line up for me. I just don’t buy it.

- Also in relation to this point: Feyre is weirdly quick to let Tamlin’s servants wait on her hand and foot. Her psychology, how she thinks, and engages with Tamlin’s manor around her doesn’t fit with someone who’s spent eight years living in violent poverty and starving.

- A bit of a nitpick but, it bothers me that SJM writes Feyre as a painter yet I, for the life of me, couldn't tell you what her style is, how her artwork looks, or even what ANY piece of art looks like in this world. Feyre talks about her artistic eye and all that, but to me that description means nothing. Being a painter and liking art does nothing for Feyre's character, it's such a useless detail when it could be something that adds depth to her character and shows the reader how she views art, how she views the world, etc. This just shows me that SJM did nothing to research art, styles, and mediums, nor does she actually care about her character writing enough to utilize art as a way to elevate Feyre as a character.

- The pacing is so boring. It’s just painfully slow and stuff that could be exciting is skimmed over and never elaborated on, and all that really happens for the first two-thirds of the book is just Feyre vibing (and being passive aggressive towards) Tamlin and Lucien.

2. This is a fairytale retelling? - This book has EVERYTHING I absolutely loathe about modern day fairytale retellings - more specifically retellings of Beauty and the Beast.

- It fails as a retelling, in general, because it completely misses the point of the fairytaleS (there are multiple going on in ACOTAR) and ends up being a shallow husk of these classic tales.

- ACOTAR markets itself as a retelling of several fairytales: Beauty and the Beast, East of the Sun, West of the Moon (a Norwegian variant of BatB featuring a 'beast' that is a polar bear by day and a handsome prince by night), Eros & Psyche (a Greek myth that's widely accepted as one of the original versions of the 'monster bride-groom' narrative framework), and the Ballad of Tam-Lin (a Scottish folktale that features a man cursed by a queen of faeries). And yet I feel like it fails all of these stories, primarily Beauty and the Beast. BatB is a story about kindness and love, and loving someone for who they are as opposed to what they look like, and ACOTAR embodies the very thing I hate about modern retellings of this story: a ‘beast’ that is outwardly handsome and the only ‘beastly’ thing about him is being hypermasculine, aggressive, toxic, and cruel while offering little opportunities of redemption. Except, Tamlin isn’t necessarily all of those things. Conventionally hot and hypermasculine, yes, but he’s been nothing but gracious and nice to Feyre. And WHY is he named ‘Tamlin’, obviously being named after the titular Tam-Lin from Scottish folklore, and SJM does nothing to give this story a ‘Scottish flair’? Which brings me to my next point:

3. Worldbuilding - There is nothing about this world that convinces me that this is unique. It does nothing to differentiate itself from other fantasy worlds, or even our modern world! You can tell that there are medieval and Rococo/Georgian Europe influences, but that’s only in fashion and aesthetics. But the faeries?

- To me, they’re nothing more than conventionally attractive people with pointy ears and MAYBE magic. Tolkien elves, pretty much! Like, deadass, I pictured Tamlin looking like Legolas but jacked as fuck (AND WHY COULDN’T WE GET MORE OF TAMLIN’S BEAST FORM!?!?!?!? UUGHH!!!! BIG SAD!!). There were so few, like… FAERIE faeries, and whenever there were any the only indicators SJM would offer are differing skin tones, sharp teeth, claws, wings, etc. They just felt so uninspired and lazy (teetering between underdeveloped spectral entities or LOTR elves) … why write about faeries if you’re not going to put in the effort to flesh them out as FAERIES? I once saw someone say that what SJM is doing to faeries is what Stephanie Meyer did to vampires and honestly??? I agree.

- I will forever be bitter that SJM decided to write about faeries and did NOTHING new with fae lore.

- *I know this gets explained a little more in the second book (which… I will get to that when I write my ACOMAF review because i’ve thoughts) but what exactly is this world’s religious system? Because you never get a good feel for it. I say this because several times Lucien mentions ‘Hell’, as in capital ‘h’ Hell - Christian Hell. Why would he say this when humans are agnostic/athiest with a sparse numbr of fae-worshiping cults (and were once implied to have had a polytheistic religion that differs from our world’s Christianity) and fae worship the Cauldron and other faerie deities so like.....why would SJM not use a few extra braincells to create her own version of Hell rather than using lazy cultural shorthand that, by the logic of this book's world, doesn't work???? And this is a recurring theme in ACOTAR: lazy, underdeveloped, under explained world-building.

- *This might just be me but I hate the fated mates trope in this series. It just seems like a way to sexualize domestic abuse, and it doesn’t allow me to enjoy seeing a budding relationship to develop if we’re told that these two characters are SUPPOSED to be together and are MEANT to be in love and have sex!! (also a me thing: the way SJM sexualizes stuff is a personal ick… her ships are built more upon sex and sexual attraction rather than romantic feelings, which just isn’t for me and makes me struggle to believe people to actually be in love despite how much the author tries to convince me of such). Also the violent gender essentialism and heteronormativity :( ….it only gets worse in the second book.

- Why must we refer to everyone as male and female??? I would give this a pass if the faeries were more faerie and less human but… these fae are just humans with pointy ears, so I am deeply uncomfortable by the constant use of ‘male’ and ‘female.’ (I’m convinced that SJM is into omegaverse erotica, and I’d honestly have more respect for her if she just wrote straight-up, shameless omegaverse erotica rather than trying to write a vaguely developed fantasy story that fails to deliver on the epic plot it’s trying to sell to me.)

4. Feyre - She is a dumb protagonist (and I blame the author). She is dumb and deserves death - and you can tell that this is a plot-convenience brand of stupidity, unfortunately. Like the instance with the Puca. She suddenly sees her crippled father on Tamlin's land in Prythian in the middle of the night??? Given the wary hostility and aggression and distrust she's been displaying towards everyone and everything so far in Prythian, why isn't she doing the same in this instance???? She's said herself she is wary of faerie tricks, and acknowledged that not even whole, able-bodied humans are able to survive in Prythian without the help of a faerie, so why would she think her disabled father, who is helpless in the mortal realm, be any different??? And why would she care that her father has come for her??? Did she not wish that her family starves without her, so that they realize she's important to them and she holds them in such an embittered contempt?????

- Tamlin and Feyre have no chemistry. It just feels like I should be shipping them because this is a retelling of Beauty and the Beast and all that, but I just don't. SJM is relying heavily on a fairytale framework while also doing nothing to even try to convince me that these two characters are meant to be together. Their relationship is so dry and it feels like the attraction comes from nowhere, and only starting with physical attraction - which, to me, goes against the message of BATB, of loving someone for who they are rather than what they look like. The two of them, respectively, have more chemistry with Lucien than each other. Hell, why not make them a throuple???🤨 now THAT I'd ship because all three have banter, and any interaction with Lucien is so much fun to read.

- Also……how the fuck did Feyre not figure out Amarantha’s riddle?

5. *Rhysand - Yes. He gets his own section because I HATE him - and I HATE that he is destined to be the endgame love interest. He is a character we’re meant to root redemption for but I fucking refuse. And this is why.

- Rhysand has the perfect set up to be a scary asf villain, not a love interest. We will talk more about Rhysand and why he and Feyre are a ship I refuse to get behind, but that will be reserved for future updates. 

- For now: Rhys is great for a scary villain! He is night incarnate, he has snark, he has an imposing presence, and he can invade the minds of others......and he invades Feyre's mind, which she described as being immensely uncomfortable and painful, and she is afraid. Mind you, he does this without her consent. Keep in mind that everything he does beyond this point is without her consent and he is doing it as himself and for his own gain, not the influence of love pollen or magic. He is doing it while totally aware and sober. That's why he is a horrible person and a creep.

- He does many things without Feyre’s consent. He tortures, assaults, drugs, and harms her all without consent without anything else compelling his will other than himself.

- He forces her into a deal in which she is to spend one week a month in the Night Court with him, and he does this by twisting and pulling her broken arm when she refuses. He drugs and assaults her by making her drink faerie wine (which she refuses to drink as she was warned against doing so), dresses her scantily clad AGAINST HER WILL, covers her in paint so he knows where people all touch her AGAINST HER WILL, and makes her perform lap dances until she gets sick and then makes her all do it again AGAINST HER WILL. After catching her and Tamlin stealing a moment, he pushes her against a wall and kisses her WITH TONGUE to make it seem like he was the one that muddied the paint on her body rather than Tamlin. All of this he’s done AGAINST HER WILL.

- Have I mentioned how he does this against her will yet??? Did I emphasize enough that Rhysand does all this to Feyre without her consent???

- Rhysand is an evil creep that I refuse to redeem. What he did for Feyre Under the Mountain is awful and not at all deserving of redemption. And I don’t care if he says ‘I did this to help defeat Amarantha and save my court’ or ‘I did it to make Tamlin more mad and to kill Amrantha instantly’ or ‘I did it for your own good.’ I don’t fucking care, those are the excuses of an abuser. He didn’t need to literally torture and assault her.

- Also, on that note: why does he do this for the sake of making Tamlin more mad? Like??? Tamlin saw his court be cursed, he was sexually harassed by Amarantha ever since he was a child, and he witnessed Amarantha torture a woman he loves. Why would he need anything more to make him kill Amarantha faster? This argument fails to work for me. Fuck you, Rhysand, I hate you.

6. *Calanmai - This gets its own section because it’s just… so messy, and I wish to blame SJM for it’s messiness because the characters are all victims to her insensitive, careless writing.

- This is a very weird scenario??? Because, let's be frank, Tamlin assaulted Feyre and Feyre is a victim... HOWEVER. on multiple occasions she is told by FAERIES THAT HAVE EONS OF KNOWLEDGE ABOUT THIS WORLD, THEIR CULTURES, CUSTOMS, AND ACCOMPONYING DANGERS to stay in her room and that this is not safe for humans, especially her once the Great Rite occurs because Tamlin will be drawn to her. But she goes against these warnings, going to the festival and leaving her room before dawn. 

- HOW DUMB ARE YOU FEYRE??!?!?!?!?! WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID???!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!??!?! JUST UUGGHHH!!!!!!!! 

- And then there's Tamlin. With how the Great Rite is explained, it's like he is possessed by some springtime magic so that he is a vehicle for said magic? So the scene where he pins Feyre and bites her is almost set up like he both is and isn't possessed? It's more like he's drunk off of love pollen?? I don't know, but to me I think that both are and are not at fault - they are because Feyre didn't listen to SEVERAL warnings in a situation that is obviously unsafe for her and Tamlin could've prepared better by explaining things to her and setting up safeguards, and they aren't because Feyre is a victim and Tamlin is being possessed by a power that's greater him (which is kind of implied to be something he really doesn't want to do). Again, this is a very weird and highly uncomfortable situation - both are victims to SJM’s writing.

- Ultimately, the situation of Calanmai is poorly written and handled on SJM's behalf. It feels like her trying to eroticize a moment of assault, which in of itself is gross (bear in mind that this was initially published as a YA novel - and I initially read it as a YA novel in middle school), and to introduce Rhysand, the second half of this love triangle, which there are so many other ways this could've been done. And the fact that the assault is brushed off and treated like a friendly joke without having actual discussion about it makes it worse. - This is arguably the most 'fae' thing in this book so far? Like it feels so fae because of connections to celebrating springtime and fertility, and drinking and festivals, but at the same time this just feels like an oversexualization of traditional pagan beliefs by being a massive orgy?

- Just. Ew. Sarah J Mass, you’re gross for writing a moment like this and not being responsible enough to execute this concept with more nuance.

7. The Ending - This is really brief, but boooooo to Feyre being resurrected with all the powers of all the High Lords. :(

- (Also I know that Rhysand hints at him and Feyre being mates and uugghhh kill me now)

So these are my main thoughts regarding ACOTAR… It’s a fantasy romance that should be advertised more for it’s romance than fantasy elements as the fantasy-action takes a major backseat and acts more as a subplot to the main romance. It’s a fantasy world that is underdeveloped and is full to the brim of underutilized lore. It butchers existing faerie lore, and leaves much to be desired. Characters are unlikeable and stupid, and the only thing that got me through this book was Lucien.

SJM I do not like you, and I cannot wait to return to write about my hate for ACOMAF.

#jojo reads #anti acotar #anti sjm #anti sarah j maas #anti rhysand #anti feysand #rant review #book review #rant book review #acotar #anti a court of thorns and roses #readers of tumblr

[deliriumsdelight7]

I hope it is okay to message you about this I don't want to swamp Phoenix with messages since I'm sure she has many anons right now! I survived my abusive ex who tried heavily to lie and twist things on me within our community, despite that he started dating and hurting me when I was 15 (til 17 when he found someone else) and he was almost 30, the tactics he and his friends used on me and other girls really similar in that callout. 1) One of those callout people dug deep into her blog, found a selfie from a decade and while they did color out her face there seems to be others digging elsewhere like her twitter, a lot of it reads as if leading to potential doxxing will come next. 2) Another user has a separate callout for someone that is writing for their pleasure smut with ST characters x children between newborn to 12 among other original stories, how the children enjoy it. Commenters include a man who talked about how enjoyable it was to read, to keep it up, and how he was writing one about a 12 month old. So LIKE idk how phoenix shipping dustin x erica when erica is older based on their dynamic and thinking it'd be cute one day makes her a monster just like those people writing shit like that? The skewed mindset is shocking. Maybe it makes me an anti to say that, but like jfc one is shipping because fun dynamics, the other is making literary csa for pleasure purposes. Not the damn same and to classify it as the same IS FUCKED for other victims and survivors of that. the call out about that is here: percygranate / 717945449642967040 and I really think that this deserves a lot more attention. Phoenix should not be in a class like what this example is doing. This literally how people ruined Michael Jackson's life. 3) This isn't really info but I do hope this can reach peace for you all. It's triggering to read the callouts. Erica being a young black girl played by a young black actress, I understand wanting to protect her and what she represents to fellow black fans, it is different for black people and I think that does deserve space for a conversation. Trying to have a dialogue and clear up miscommunications/things taken out of context is how this should have been handled, not a trying to ruin someone's life with such an evil real criminal label over fiction. Just a lot of love to Phoenix, you, and everyone else directly involved.

Thank you so much for all of this information, Anon. I’m really grateful that you took the time to write all of this, and I’m sure Phoenix will be, too.

I’m very sorry to hear that you were groomed and harassed by your abuser, and I hope you’ve been able to find healing from that.

For your first point: would you be able to send me links to any posts on that blog that threaten violence, doxxing, or any other harassment? Phoenix and I are blocked, and in order for us to report the harassment, we need links of the behavior. If you’re comfortable, you can reach out to me in DMs and I will absolutely respect your privacy and not share your identity with anyone. If you feel unsafe doing so, you can by all means stick with anon asks. Whatever you’re most comfortable with.

For your second point: I wasn’t even aware such a thing was happening. If so, that’s pretty damn gross. I would prefer to stay out of any public call-outs for it, though, because call-out culture is what’s landed fandom as a whole into the mess it currently is. I’m going to stick to my policy of “don’t like, don’t read” on this one. But, for the record? Hardcore squick.

As a side note, I’d like to point out that the “underage Chrissy” concept does not exist in a vacuum. I was there, Gandalf. I was there the day (cough MONTHS cough) The Other Ship accused Hellcheers of being pedophiles, going so far as to say that Chrissy was the same age as Mike and Dustin and Eddie was 22. A bunch of Hellcheers decided that if that ship was going to make a stink over an eighteen year old and a twenty year old, we’d give them something to complain about. Phoenix was far from the only person to indulge in it. In fact, for a few weeks, the Hellcheer Prompts blog was flooded with nothing but requests for underage Chrissy fics. All of this is to say, there are massive amounts of context missing from those call-out posts. Context which I was there for. THAT is why I defend Phoenix, and will continue to do so.

And for your final point, I 100% agree that a respectful dialogue could and should be had before jumping down people’s throats. Unfortunately, for many people, joining a mob and organizing a witch hunt is often more rewarding than having a constructive dialogue. Anger and outrage are an addiction. But living like that, creating an environment that demands moral purity on pain of life-ruining accusations and violence, it’s only a matter of time before you fuck up and the mob you were a part of turns on you.

Thank you again for taking the time to reach out, Anon. It’s deeply, DEEPLY appreciated.

#fandom wank

[beam-of-amber]

EARTH

EARTH

MY MAN

#i know i'm not supposed to be happy about this but i'm so happy #finally single earth #friend zone 2 spoilers #but jfc that was similar to how i handled it with my ex i just #i hated earth quite a lot during all this but maybe it was bc he reminded me of myself when i was in a relationship geez i'm having a moment #i don't know what to feel like earth and stud just made me feel things and now that earth is free i feel... free? too? #stud's ending was kind of hasty imo but i'm really happy he got a happy ending #AT LEAST bc i would've sued in any other case #but earth breaking up with sam is the best ending i could've wished for even though it did hurt sam and i kind of feel bad for him #but really i'm so relieved RELIEVED I TELL YOU that earth did it i'm just i can't even express how content i feel with his ending #and character development i mean i'll probs watch the entire thing again just to soak in the wonderful development #can u say that it sounds weird but i don't care EARTH IS FREE I AM FREE WE ARE ALL FREE

[javaelemental]

Batwoman (S1, Ep2): The Rabbit Hole

Episode two was a huge improvement over one. Pacing was better, scene segues were better, characterizations took a big jump forward - it was overall a much stronger episode.

Looks like we get the red suit next week? Looking forward to that - the egg-shaped cowl on the current bat suit bugs me.

I’m liking the dynamic between Kate and Alice - can’t wait to see how all that shakes out.

Jacob Kane is kind of the worst, right? Like, that dude is not good at being a dad. Or a wannabe cop/paramilitary force.

Speaking of, super-duper not loving the idea of a private paramilitary force basically taking over for the cops. How on Earth was that even let to happen? What kind of power do they have? I could see them providing private security for people or at events, that makes sense. But they’re actually out there hunting down gang members, doing investigations, and shooting people dead. I could see how they might be able to round up the power to make an arrest - bounty hunters can do something like that. But shooting people dead, apparently legally? What?

Also, not liking the whole Kate/Sophia thing. The girl got married Kate, leave her the fuck alone. Being a woman doesn’t absolve you of being weird and pushy with your ex. Also, Sophia totally sold Kate out at school or wherever, why would you even still be chasing that? No part of this Kate/Sophia situation makes me happy. It’s creepy and unhealthy. Yuck. Stop it, Batwoman writers.

I am really liking Mary, Kate’s step-sister. (Half-sister?) I love that’s she’s out there running an illegal clinic to help people, love how she handled Alice’s boytoy breaking in on her, love how she straight called Kate out, she’s great.

Kate’s still kind of being a dick to Luke Fox. I could do without that. I’m totally on Luke’s side here. This crazy woman broke into his boss’ place and is now swanning around acting like she owns everything when, as far as I can tell, she does not. And she’s being mean about it to the guy who’s basically in the right. No argument he’s made has been a bad argument.

I’m a little confused about the 70′s-style giant box computers in the Bat Cave. I feel like Bruce would have upgraded that occasionally. They look cool, not gonna knock that. They just kinda don’t make a lot of sense.

Overall, good, solid episode. Good action, plot, fun. I’d like to see a few relationship things cleaned up, but we’ll give them a few episodes to get it sorted out.

🏆 Line of the Night Award: Bad guy: “Thought you were Batman.” Batwoman: “You wish."

Supergirl (S5, Ep2): Stranger Beside Me

Lena. Holy shit, woman. What the hell. “I’m not evil,” she says, as she proceeds to do all the evil things. “This woman screwed me over once so I’ll just reprogram her whole brain and stick my friendly AI henchman in there, that seems like a good idea that never, ever goes wrong in other stories. Also, I’ll figure out how to do something similar with all humans. 'Making humans better by force’ always works out well and is never evil.”

River Tam wants a word with you, Lena, JFC.

The rest of the plot was, y’know. Meh. I don’t care a lot about J’onn’s brother and whatever’s going on with that, yet.

I extra don’t care about Nia and Brainy’s issues. This is a prime example of CW’s penchant for forced relationship drama. Y’all are grownups, use your goddamn words.

I am slightly interested in what’s going on with who’s-his-face at Cat Co., the reporter dude from London with NSA contacts and the obviously fake backstory. Please do something more interesting with that than dating/relationship drama, Supergirl writers. Oh yeah, we saw what you were doing there with Kara’s snipping at who’s-his-face. You can’t fool us.

Also, for fucksake, will someone please tell Kara to get a lawyer? Rojas’ non-compete contract is in no way enforceable or realistic. Get you to a lawyer, stat. And take James Olsen’s dumb ass with you before we have to see him run for office.

Overall this was another weak episode. I hope they’re not stuck spinning their wheels until Crisis.

🏆 Line of the Night Award: No winners in this episode.

#Supergirl #Batwoman #CW #Arrowverse

[marvelbuilt]

you guys are going to think im a hoe but im gonna list the potential boys in my life. also just like so you dont think im really slutty?? i have never gone the entire way with any of these dates.

andrew - my ex lmao. okay so this is like lowkey never gonna happen but we still see each other and talk and like we have a kitten together so like it’s having a kid lite so we still see each other and the boy he left me for in january after 2 years, broke up with him in a month and we hug and they’re lingering hugs? but again like prolly never gonna happen bc he’s a DISASTER and hooks up with everyone.

dylan - okay lowkey this kid would have probably been my first choice? we started talking and kind of stopped for some reason and then i saw him on grindr when i was home bc he lives closer to my hometown than my school but anyways we’re both like relationship oriented and like our first date went so well?? like he had told me prior to coming that he wasn’t ready for a relationship and i was like okay well i mean im probably not either bc it was kind of like a month or two after andrew but he BOUGHT ME FLOWERS??? and i cooked him dinner and we like cuddled and made out and stuff and it was so nice. he’s part of that school that did 13 reasons why not and he like goes to suicide prevention conferences and he’s going to be going to a different university than me but it’s like technically better than mine and he’s so smart?? and our second date was good as well and idk? i like him so much and we snapchat everyday. but he stopped calling me cutie? and i still call him that and sometimes he calls me “b” but iDEK like i think he’s probably talking to other boys or something and he always avoids when i ask if we can hangout again but hes always working now so idk.

andrew - okay this is another andrew and he lives in the town next to mine and he works at the capital of my state and he like studied political science and our politics are very similar and we are just similar in general. his parents are trump supporters so that’s yikes. also he’s not out to his family at all WONDER WHY and he’s very?? like he plays soccer ALL THE TIME. anyways aside from that, our personalities are very similar and we hung out like 4 times in a row and idk? he’s kinda cheap ngl, but i can’t blame him too much bc we are young still. but anyways all the dates went well and it seemed like we were really into each other. then i had finals so i was like yo i cant hang out until theyre over. and then the week after, i got sick so i didnt want to hang out and then like he was playing soccer all the time? and then he got sick? and now like? ugh he’s the worst texter and i texted him and asked him i did something wrong or anything and he was like no of course not im just busy and soccer and then he did say anything else? like jfc i dont want to do all the chasing so i just havent texted him in like a week or 2 and so i dont even know? like everything was fine but he’s such a boy when it comes to texting i fucking cant

patrick - okay this kid omfg probably never going to happen but i just want to talk about it. so this kid is in my program at school and so we started talking bc grindr and we matched on tinder and he’s cute and really smart. so anyways, the weird thing was that i literally never met the kid and he’s in the same residential college as me and like we’re in the same grade? so ODD right? well anyways i tried to schedule a date about 800 fucking times and he cancelled so many times omfg. like constantly cancelling. and he was really sweet to me and stuff over messaging. so school FINALLY ends and im like okay maybe NOW we can have a date. he cancelled a couple more times and FINALLY he’s like okay sure. so he picked me up from work, which was lowkey nice, but then we went to starbucks and he like?? spent most of the date not understanding why anyone would major in my major and how international relations and arabic are the most important majors and how he’s going to get such a good job and like he doesn’t understand why some things need to be equal and he’s like “ive never voted republican but” and im just like jfc i cant handle you insulting my major. but outside of my major, he was nice enough i guess? he’s hot so there’s that but he then just dropped me off and now he’s in jordan until like august and he’s like “yeah i’ll hit you up when i get back so we can hang out again” LIKE LMAO DONT FUCKING LIE. and he like didn’t respond to my message about adding him on social media after the date so lol this kid is like whatever

skyler - okay skyler was the date i had last night and i just met him last night? and omfg i dont think ive ever met someone more different from me that was still gay? okay so this kid is my age, but he goes to the community college, so i hadn’t met him until just recently. so he’s like? nice af. he’s half-mexican, half-white (this comes into play later) and from a small town. but omfg, we got lots to discuss. so he openly considers himself conservative. said that “if i could choose to be straight, i would be”, said quote “i dont believe in pride parades and i dont fuck with blm” AND IM STRAIGHT CRINGEING and like? i presented my arguments in a civil manner im so proud of myself for not popping off but like he listened and everything but i dont think i changed his mind at all because lol the hardest thing to do ever. anyways, super sweet to me, and very relationship oriented. he gave me a hickey last night whoops luckily it’s on my collarbone so people wont see it. but anyways im really worried that he’s moving too fast at this point? and he like is SO different like he called himself “a manly gay” and im just like fuck off honestly bc that’s so not me and THATS OKAY TO NOT BE A MANLY GAY. and he said he agreed. some of my friends think that maybe i can “educate him” or change his mind. but idk guys this might just be a little too different and im really worried that he mightve voted trump or something and im sorry but i let shit like that ruin relationships bc politics?? it’s my world and i just cant handle people who dont study what i study telling me im wrong about stuff i study? and like if you’re a half-mexican gay man idk how you can be conservative but go off sis be a tree for deforestation. but anyways NOW HE’S TEXTING ME ABOUT A SECOND DATE AND ASKED IF I WOULD GO TO A CLUB? WHICH IS SO NOT MY SCENE. ugh he’s super sweet to me personally but i just think we might just be too different.

SO BASICALLY BOYS ARE JUST SO FUCKED AND I AM JUST LIKE WHAT DO I DO HONESTLY LIKE THE BOYS I LIKE? DONT LIKE ME OR ARE FLAKY AF OR THEY’RE SO DIFFERENT COMPARED TO ME AND I JUST DONT KNOW HOW DIFFERENT I CAN HANDLE PLEASE HELP ME

also i know someones gonna be like “YOU AINT NEED NO MAN” you’re right karen i dont but dating is lowkey fun but now im just conflicted about all of these things i could scream. like i am just getting back out there and seeing where things go and i really dont see what’s wrong with that

#☼ // ᵒᵘᵗ ᵒᶠ ᵃᵛᵉᶰᵍᶦᶰᵍ (ooc) #lowkey save me #LOWKEY DONT JUDGE ME #i needed to get this off my chest