#but like nothing happened?? as far as the vid goes his actions come completely out of nowhere

[mushyoctopus]

We need to talk about Kevin did not age well did it

#ezra miller #we need to talk about kevin #never listened to his music but his acting is good and he wears make up and all which is cool #but this is so weird?? like i get if she hit him hed defend himself but she didnt even touch him? #but like nothing happened?? as far as the vid goes his actions come completely out of nowhere #ezra honey are u ok #also ** not saying hes a psychopath or anything just violent apparently :/

[wickedpact]

heres a transcript of that gina & greg interview i mentioned yesterday. literally nothing new is in this, but theres a lot of info in this that was scattered in varying interviews/podcasts and i like having all of it in one place for future reference purposes

(link to vid)

Patrick: Hey everybody, this is Patrick Cavanaugh from comicbook.com here to bring you a very special conversation about Netflix's The Old Guard, which just debuted last week, and everybody has seen it-- I believe people have seen it by now, so that's very exciting. And to dive deep into this film, we're actually very lucky to have the film's director Gina Prince-Bythewood, who also directed Love And Basketball and Beyond The Lights here. Hello, Gina.

Gina: Hey.

P: And we're also joined by the film's writer, as well as the writer of the original comic book series, The Old Guard. Also, you might know him from his DC Comics work, Batwoman, and Lazarus, to name a few of his titles. We have Greg Rucka! Hello, Greg.

Greg: Hello!

P: So this film just first debuted last week, and I know you guys have been inundated with fans, just loving it. And let's just get to what fans want to know, right off the bat; I'm sure you're getting daily questions about this because there's so much for an expanded universe. So let's set the record straight: will there be a Tiger King crossover?

[everyone laughs]

Greg: Uh, we're planning an animated series with giant Mech suits, and, unbeknownst to a certain franchise, we're going to crossover with Transformers and-- no. Come on. [laughs]

P: Okay, alright, we’ll hold onto that big crossover stuff. And I know Netflix, of course, hasn’t fully announced what the future might be for Old Guard, but I'm just kind of curious if you guys have had any recent conversations about what you'd like to do in the future—theoretical, nothing concrete, of course. But since the film has come out and you've seen fan feedback…?

Gina: I will just say, obviously, it's an incredible compliment that people want to see more. It means we did our job in this. It was very important that this film has a beginning middle and end. We wanted to focus on this.

Greg: Yeah.

Gina: And get it right. Having people want more is an incredible gift and I would say those conversations were really… Greg and I, early on in talking through the story... knowing Greg knows where this thing goes --and it's pretty incredible-- helped me in terms of directing this one. So I will say we've had those conversations early on.

Greg: Yeah Gina’s absolutely right. One of the things that I'm really-- one of the many things I am proud of is that the movie is a whole, you certainly leave it going ‘okay, there could be more, I can see how there is more’. But it is a complete work. It is not contingent and does not need anything else. That said, there were plenty of times we were having conversations and would jokingly be like, ‘oh that'll be in the next one, we'll do that in the next one. We had to cut this so we’ll put it in the next one’.

P: I'm sure people would be very thrilled, as would I. So we’ll try to remain patient since it's only been out a week--

Greg: I think that's reasonable.

P: [sarcastic] I mean, fans are nothing but reasonable--

Greg: [very loud laughter] You know what 'fan' is short for right? Fanatic.

P: [laughs] So Greg, I'm curious. You know, since this is a pretty unique situation where you wrote the original books but then also came to write the script-- which doesn't always happen all that often. I was kind of curious what that process was like and if, when revisiting that core story, if you were tempted to kind of go off into a new directions, you know, uncharted territory? And how you managed to stay faithful to that story.

Greg: So when Skydance initially acquired The Old Guard, Matt Grimm and Don Granger were the guys that I was working with. And they were very clear that they had acquired it because they loved the source material. So when I was doing the adaptation, it was ‘adapt this story to be told in a screen format, there are changes that have to be made’. I didn't see it so much as like ‘I can go in a different direction!’ as ‘it's a really rare opportunity to have a second bite at the apple’. Most writers don't get to tell the same story twice. And even with the collaborative nature of comics, making a movie is far more collaborative. So… being able to benefit from a lot of very smart people-- and then when Gina came aboard, and working very closely with her on the screenplay, you know, taking her notes, and talking at length about it was… I mean, I love the comic we made, I'm very proud of it. But I think this is a superior story. Because it allowed me to fix mistakes I had made. And I think that it certainly works as the film that we wanted it to be, but it has a lot more nuance and a lot more ‘shading’ than the comics ever could have had. So yeah, I mean, I'm very proud of the work we've done.

P: Yeah, as you should be, definitely agree with that. And I know, Gina, you've spoken about how you treated the source material essentially as a Bible as the blueprint for adapting the movie. So a question kind of for both of you, I was curious what scene or sequence were you most excited to bring to life? And then what scene were you most apprehensive about whether or not you could pull it off as faithful to that original?

Gina: For me, I mean, there was there were certainly a couple... Joe and Nicky in the van.

Greg: [nodding] Yeah.

Gina: Such a beautiful moment in the comic. And I wanted to get it right. I knew the actors really wanted to get it right. As soon as we started shooting, I was like, 'oh yeah, they're killing it'. Also Booker in the mine, the speech that he gives to Nile, it's everything to his character. It explains both Booker and Andy; where they are, and why they are the way that they are in that moment of time. And I know that as a director, I saw a perfect take. But going into those, you hope that, ‘am I able to evoke what I need to evoke in the audience?’ I think that the hardest really was the Kill Floor, given how iconic it is in the comic. It's just so beautifully drawn by Leandro, it pops off the page. So ‘how am I going to be able to do the same thing on film?’ But it really kind of boiled down to ‘what is the story [of the scene]’ and really focus on that first, but also wanting to really give a bit of a homage to what Leandro did too, which was my use of silhouette throughout it.

Greg: Yeah, I think that… Gina just listed all of the scenes. I mean, I wanted to see the armored car, that was enormously rewarding for me… I couldn't wait to see the killing room floor... You know, when we talk about moments of adaptation, I actually —and I thought this was really well handled in the movie in particular— Nile’s death wasn't wasn't easy in the comic, because it needed to have heart. You know, Kiki's performance and the way it's shot is just, it's phenomenal.

P: And obviously you can't really talk about this movie, which is this big action-fantasy movie, without talking about that scene between Joe and Nicky. I'm curious what both of your reactions have been to seeing that moment hit so hard with so many fans.

Greg: I'm overjoyed that we're able to give that to so many people. I am also frustrated that it's so overdue. While I don't think that either Gina or I felt that this was… It was important and special because it was important and special between these characters. But, you know, I mean I’m in that place where I recognize why we are getting the response that we are, and, I'm frustrated by the fact that it's 2020. And… apparently we're the first people to have done this? And you can say that about a lot of the reactions, you can say that about the reactions to Kiki's Nile. You can say that about reactions about Charlize portraying Andy. There’s a piece of me that's like ‘guys, we didn't invent the wheel here. All we did was show you, THERE’S A WHEEL HERE!’. So.

P: Yeah, it's interesting and it is frustrating that it is 2020 and we have to refer to this as an anomaly. That this is not the norm, that as you said, this is we're showing people that the wheel exists. And so Gina, you know, between having a film with two powered, seemingly super-powered characters, in a comic book adaptation, which is largely been devoid of such characters. [I think he meant to say female powered characters?] and being a black woman, directing a comic book adaptation— again, something in 2020 that we have to treat as a shocking revelation— I was curious, if you felt any sort of pressure about that on set, or if it was like just a confidence in the material, and support from your collaborators, that it wasn't even an issue?

Gina: Um, are you talking about the scene-?

P: Just the project as a whole.

Gina: There was a reason I took this film, because it moved me. It has to start there. There's all these things; I love putting a black female in the world, I love putting Nicky and Joe in the world, I love putting Joe’s character in the world. Those are all such incredible driving forces. But foremost, I have to feel and care about the characters in the story. And I did. And so, for me, it felt... I mean I was honored to be able to be the one to give these characters a life up on screen... or in that big screen in your living room. There's, of course, enormous pressure. Not only just doing a film, like the bigness of it. Certainly me being a woman, me being a black woman, and doing this when nobody has done it before… It's about proving myself and proving that women like me can do this, that we do like action, that we can shoot action… Just changing that narrative. So there's pressure to get it right and do a good job, but I feed off of that. It made me work harder because I felt like I absolutely had a responsibility to get it right.

P: And we've talked about Kiki a few times as Nile, of course. And Gina, I know you said it was within five seconds of meeting her that you knew she was the right one to play Nile. I was curious, how did the rest of the casting process go? Did everybody get hired that easily? Or was it a harder search to round out the ensemble?

Greg: Yes. I’m curious too!

Gina: You know, I knew going into this that I wanted great actors for every role and it's pretty amazing how many of my first choices are in this film. I mean Matthias Schoenaerts who plays Booker is an incredible actor and I knew I wanted him from the get-go. We were told he doesn't do films like this, but he wanted to meet, which was the first thing, like, ‘oh my gosh it’s on me, don't blow this meeting’ and he said again to my face, ‘I don't do these movies, but I love this movie’ and he loved the character Booker. And after that conversation and hearing my vision, he was in, which was amazing. Marwan Kenzari, I saw him in this independent film called Wolf—

Greg: Yeahhhhhh.

Gina: Phenomenal. And he was supposed to read for the part. We had a meeting over FaceTime. Then, Zoom was not what it is now. And it was such an incredible meeting. He was so passionate about the material. So passionate about the character Joe. So passionate about wanting to give that speech. His energy… I just said 'you don't need to read, like, you're Joe'. Luca Marinelli, who plays Nicky, I saw his audition. He has this depth to him, those eyes.. where you just, you felt everything, you felt his soul. But I needed to do a chemistry reading, as I would with any love story. And so, we flew him in to read with Marwan. They did this incredible improv, and it was so obvious that these two were Joe and Nicky. It was a really beautiful moment as a director to just… know, and I was so excited to show everybody what they had. It leapt off the screen, their connection; they’d never met before but, immediate connection. Chiwetel Ejiofor, I mean… [awed silence]

Greg: Chiwetel... yeah.

Gina: Yeah. To hear that he wanted to be in this and work with me on this, I didn't need anything else at that point. He's truly a genius. Charlize, you know, there are very few women who can work in the space and we believe them. And that's the thing about her work, and her action, we believe her. And we needed that for Andy. And of course she's a great actress, so it was, you know, that was kind of a no-brainer. So, lastly Harry Melling, you know our villain. It's funny, Don Granger, at Skydance, says you've done a good job with your villain if the audience wants to punch him in the face. Harry brought that reality of those templates of Mark Zuckerberg and Martin Shkreli and really rocked it.

Greg: I had, you know, I'm the screenwriter, right? And I am pretty much involved in the production at the director’s sufferance, and Gina was so gracious to want me present-- and more than that, want me present and say things, right? As opposed to ‘stand here and be quiet’, but I remember when Kiki… when they knew they wanted Kiki, like in that window before all the paperwork was done and so on. Throughout most of the casting I wasn't hearing a lot from Gina, just the occasional update. Like ‘I think we've got…’ and then the Kiki audition came in, and Gina, you called me, Granger texted me, Grimm texted me. And it was all the same thing. It was all ‘we have found Nile, oh my god, there were these two scenes and she had us howling in one and weeping in the other and she is perfect’. And the exuberant joy, you know, I remember you on that call being like ‘NO, THIS IS HER!!’. It's like, this is gonna be awesome.

P: So, and to open things up a little bit more to the actual mythology of the film and the comic book series, I think one of the coolest things is that this film doesn't entirely explore is why these characters come back to life? But we also don't entirely need to know that to just… witness this slice of time in their journey. So I'm kind of curious, maybe Greg you have more insight on this, but I'm curious if either of you have those ideas in your head of what the root of this, you know, blessing or curse, the curse of immortality? Or is that just stuff that's entirely irrelevant to this journey?

Greg: I think it's irrelevant… to the journey of the first film. That the story is a self-contained story and you don't need to know why they are immortal. And I think that the film actually does tell you, not specifically, but the film does provide you with enough information to allow you to draw certain conclusions. Because there are really a limited number of ways that they're going to get this way, right? We do not, for instance, see Nile fall into a vat of regeneration juice, right? That's not why Nile comes back. There is a mythology. We know the mythology. We know the why and that's for later. Yes, maybe it will become relevant to the story, but for this story that was told as it was told? No, you don't need to know why.

Gina: The striking thing, when I read the script for the first time was I didn't… I didn't care. Like, I didn't need it. And that surprised me because I know Greg had talked about another company who was interested in the project [Gina doesn’t say, but it was Sony lmao] kept asking ‘you have to tell us why though, in this story, an audience needs to know why’. He was absolutely right [for disagreeing with Sony]. Because I didn't need to know why.

Greg: It's the Rian Johnson School of, you know, it's Looper. ‘We can spend two hours talking about time travel or you can accept that we're in time travel. Which is it going to be?’ And I think that that is one of the most brilliant storytelling decisions made in the last 20 years in film! Literally 'here it is—DOESN’T MATTER, MOVING ON!’ you know.

P: Yeah. It's definitely a bold direction to take. And to have an issue with 'oh, well, we never learn [about the] immortality!' proves that you just miss the point of what the movie is, and that that stuff is kind of irrelevant for right now. Although I do kind of hope that because it's on Netflix someone's expecting like a post credit scene, but it's the autoplay feature, right? [Greg and Patrick talk over eachother, laughing]

Greg: We did talk about that button as a post-credit scene, the Booker [scene]—

Gina: That was originally supposed to be a tag.

Greg: And there was, for a while, the contemplation of ‘maybe we can still [put the Booker scene in as a post-credit scene] and really that'll be like a great big reward for those people who actually watch credits on Netflix. It’s like, you got a bonus scene!’

P: So another, you know, people are loving the characters, they're loving the performances, but also the action is so cool in it, and it feels reminiscent of some other films. But the urgency and efficiency of all of the action sequences always feel like they have a point, and they're not just ‘look what we can pull off this week!’ You know, it's not John Wick on a horse fighting motorcycles because we don't need to do that. It's, you know, always to a point. So I'm kind of curious Greg, what does an action scene look like in your script? And then Gina, what was your whole motivation for putting these action scenes together?

Greg: I had two approaches in this script and used both. Sometimes I would write the sequence as you know, as a series-- this is what is happening, ‘he swings and then his head goes flying’ or whatnot. But knowing very well that unless the script needed to see-- because the script has to specify what is a must. It's a must. It's a must document. ‘We must see this’. ‘We must know this information’. So for a lot of the time, I would sort of drop into a narrative voice and say, ‘okay, now we watch the five of them proceeded to kick every ass and take every name that they come across and please bear in mind you are watching over 10,000 years of combat experience, combined between them’. And then that's the description of an action sequence, right? The screenplay… it's a construction document. It's not the interior decorator’s document. It's not even the Foreman's document. It's an architectural document. And then you give it to the Foreman of the whole production, who then goes, ‘I agree, these are the important things’, and then you get out of their way and watch them do the thing that they have, you know, become an expert at doing to make it happen.

P: Gina, what's your reaction when you read Greg’s script saying, ‘oh, you know, just five immortal warriors demonstrating 10,000 years of combat experience’?

Gina: It's like ‘oh shit’. [everyone laughs] Like that's a very cool thing to read—

Greg: But how do you film it?

Gina: Yeah, exactly! Then you start at the beginning of the scene and 'what character can we reveal in the scene'? And when you start like that, it's less overwhelming. Because the best action sequences for me, when I go to the movies, are those that have a story to them and that are character driven, that have an emotion. So I really started there in the vision of what they should be and just working with my incredible, incredible stunt team, Jeff Habberstad and Danny Hernandez and Bryson Counts[? I dont know who that is]. Designing these fights to tell this story, to showcase this part of character, to further the story. And that was important as well, that we never wanted this film to feel like… rushing through the story to get to each action sequence. All of this works seamlessly. The quiet moments are just as important as the action moments. And so that was exciting to me. But being able to tell the story, reveal character, that was fun. And then it's ‘yeah, how do we choreograph so it feels as if these characters finish each other sentences, so to speak, in terms of action, knowing where the other is going to be, knowing when somebody's out of bullets and need another clip?' Like all those things, the way that they're always picking up used guns and used clips, just this dance. And it was very cool, you know, to really put that together and see what the team came up with. And then to see the actors embody that, bring character, bring performance to that. Which is why it was so great that I had the actual actors doing most of the work, so that we can see that performance.

Greg: I think you used a word that I think clearly came from what Gina’s describing and talking about with working with Danny and Jeff and Bryson. Which is 'efficient'. Like, if you watch the film, you will see that there is only one sequence where Andy is ever firing more than twice, and it is on the killing room floor. After that, whenever she fires a gun, it's one bullet. It goes exactly where she wants it to go. Everything she does becomes an issue of ‘her style is efficiency—‘

Gina: Yeah, that was a big—‘brutal efficiency’ is a term we talked about often, where they know a kill shot. They are not the type that are going to go in an environment and spray. It's lazy and not who they are. They are not going to ever hit someone by accident. They are too good. And their moral code is not like an ordinary For Hire who are just trying to get the target by any means necessary.

P: Yeah, and also speaking to what I feel set these action sequences apart from other action films is, we're used to, you know, like thumping techno or hard rock or something kick in. You know, I don't think anyone had like, you know, Frank Ocean being in an action film on Netflix on their 2020 Bingo cards. So I'm just kind of curious how you put that soundtrack together and what that process was like.

Gina: Yeah. I love music so much. It's so much a part of me as an artist. And for me, I love songs for scores, songs that can evoke an emotion, and elevate a scene or the emotion of a scene without taking it over. And music for this film was so important, to the tone. It was such a balance. This is a violent film, yet I never wanted it to feel like a celebration of violence. The fact that there was a cost to the killing and then motion to the killing. So always wanted to keep that in mind-- and music really helped with that. There's also a thing of, you know, I'm the first audience and I actually don't like heavy metal. So, it annoys me when I watch a movie and it's this non-stop thump. In the rectory —spoiler alert— when Andy kills 19 people, the music I chose was important because it took away the sting of that. I didn't want an audience to revel in ‘oh my God, she killed 19 people’. No, it was ‘she killed 19 people and you see on her face that this was not fun, this was not easy’. You see that on Nile’s face when she walks out, and the music helped that. I wanted the music to feel operatic, because what happened in that room did have that depth of emotion, so music again— so important for vibe and tone and it was fun to find these songs that could do exactly what I wanted them to do.

P: Greg, the narrative is definitely very faithful to the first two Old Guard series and, you know, blends together in this compelling and unique way… Just as a —you know, we are comicbook.com— so coming from the purest sense of interpreting the narrative... [Greg laughs] like there's definitely the flashback with Achilles from the comic book, and then also the flashback to Booker's hanging scene. Those are our absent from the film. And I was just curious if those were ever in the script or if you want to rework them for the future…?

Greg: No, I mean we also had, in the original series, the flashback that sort of accounts the Joe and Nicky, ‘we killed each other’, ‘many times’ sequence as well. There were drafts where all of that was there. And sometimes in greater detail than others. There was a version where that hospital scene— [in the movie] you get just the right amount of… when Booker's relaying it to Nile in the mine. But, you know, there was more to that, and you can see sort of Achilles' story’s presence in the mine, right? There's a glimpse of the painting. So those things weren't erased as much as… when you make a comic, every choice you are making is an efficiency choice. ‘You have X many pages, how are you going to spend them?’ And I'm not a filmmaker. I'm the guy who wrote the thing. But one of the things I can tell you when watching is that it's the same calculus but exponentially. It is— every single thing you are doing is asking if it's serving your narrative. And I think the trade —because it is a trade— of the Achilles backstory to build the Quynh story has a benefit that the Achilles story alone didn't have, in that the Quynh story —especially as it's relayed in the movie— not only does it illuminate Joe, Nicky, Booker, and of course Andy, but it's also Illuminating to Nile, in a way that… talking about Achilles would have been repeating a beat. Because as beautiful, and as important, Achilles is to Andy's character… Booker conveys that heartbreak with his story, right? So it becomes an efficiency question as much as anything else. I mean, that that's really what it comes down to.

P: Speaking to some of the changes again, I don't want to get to spoiler heavy but there's definitely a big change with one character and their possible fate. Don't want to ruin anything for anyone, so trying to play it safe.

Greg: [laughing] Yeah, how are we supposed to answer this, Patrick?

P: Why don't we just text each other? [everyone laughs] Well, I'm kind of curious. One character's trajectory has changed a little bit. What were the discussions like over, you know, altering their trajectory and what that could mean, you know, for their future adventures?

Greg: Well, how do we talk around this?

P: Also, if anyone's been watching this for 40 minutes and hasn't seen the movie, they've got to adjust their priorities.

Gina: I would say, it was about adding more jeopardy and stakes. It absolutely did that. What I love so much about the story and what Greg created is that these characters are mostly immortal. So there is always that threat. But it just added another level to that. But it also crystallized so well… the fact that the moment that Andy is truly saying ‘I'm done’ a new Immortal shows up in Nile. So it just seemed to work really well and, you know, obviously having Greg be so on board with that and take it and run with it was really important.

Greg: It externalizes the conflict beautifully. And I believe I think David Ellison at Skydance likes the term downward pressure, I believe. [Gina smiles, Greg sees] Did you hear that? Did you hear that during editing? [Gina nods] But it does. Look, here's a fundamental problem; it's actually one of the problems at the heart of Force Multiplied: what's jeopardy to an immortal? Cuz it's kind of, you know, as Joe says, ‘what are you gonna do, tough guy? Kill me?’ You know, ‘if I go, I go. I don't know when I'm going’. So you you need to be able to inject into the story some level of jeopardy. You want to heighten the stakes. And it also externalizes that particular character’s conflict.

P: Gina, hopefully I don't put you too much on the spot with this question. But, you know, any time there's a big comic book project announced its, you know, fans start saying, oh, I'd love this person who's done action movies to do it’ or ‘this person who’s already done 10 Sci-Fi movies…’, you know, like Taika Waititi can't direct every movie.

Gina: I would love him to!

P: I'm just actually kind of curious, Gina, if there are any directors that you're particularly a fan of who don't necessarily have the same, you know, Marvel DC, Star Wars experience that that you'd love to hear get announced as tackling, you know, a big budget comic book movie.

Greg: I would like to know too.

Gina: Certainly, I'm excited about what Victoria Mahoney's going to be doing-- she just did second unit [director] on Star Wars, first woman to ever do that. I dig her brain so much and her aesthetic. I'm really excited to see what she's going to do in the action space, certainly.

P: Yeah, very cool. Really looking forward to her career for sure. And I think we're just about out of time here. We were down—

Gina: [raising her hand] Can I ask a question real quick? Sorry, I just need a definitive answer on this because I got called out on Twitter and I asked Greg--

Greg: [laughing] Ohhhhhhh—

Gina: So is Old Guard, is it a graphic novel? Or is it a comic?

Greg: You got to answer that Patrick.

P: Oh boy.

Greg: [laughing] Literally he's watching all credibility start to evaporate if he doesn't get this right. [holding up a comic of Opening Fire] This is a what?

P: I mean… part of me, knowing that it is part one of a three-part overall series… You know, my brain goes to ‘trade paperback’, you know, like it's a volume collecting a certain amount of issues. But if you ask me before volume 2 came out, it would be collected as a graphic novel, but… they're all comic books. They're all just comic books, everybody. Let's just take it easy.

Gina: Okay, thank you.

P: That's my answer.

Greg: Thank you. Thank you. I think that is the appropriate answer.

P: They're all just comic books. Take it easy.

P: Yeah, but I am curious. Of course, one of the interesting things about the film is that over the course of hundreds… thousands of years, these characters, the old guard have kind of influenced humanity in some definitely interesting ways… And ultimately for good, is a little bit of what we're seeing in the film. And I can't help but wonder… is it possible that the old guard could have unintentionally influenced the world for bad? And have some negative ripples come from their actions, or do I have to wait for a sequel for that?

Greg: I think that is a very reasonable and logical question to ask, especially when you know, there are 19 dead bodies lying in a church. You know what I mean? There is a certain amount— and it's almost fatuous to talk about it but there is always the doctrine of unintended consequences. I will say this goes to something else— and I'll say it really quickly because I know we're running out of time. I think one of the things that I really, really loved about what's being said, in the movie, is that at the end of the film… The definitive statement is, if you take away everything about immortality, what it's saying is that… our choices matter and our actions matter and they matter in ways and to people that we will never see and never know of. We try to put right in the world by doing right. And we do that without ever seeing what the ramifications of it are. And sometimes we're going to succeed, gloriously, and sometimes we're going to fail and we may never know that either, right? It's the choice paralysis that that you get from cheating in The Good Place, right? I can't eat or drink or move because morally it's all wrong, right? But the takeaway from the film is that, ‘yeah, your life matters and what you do with it matters and it matters to people that you're never ever going to see.’

P: So yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, I think that's a great positive, you know, message for us to leave on. And I definitely think that comes across in the film, especially, you know, from the characters like Joe and Nicky just professing… you know, it's about the time that you have. And you don't know when your number is going to be up. So you just try and do as many good things before that happens as you can, and hopefully the world responds to that. So I really connected with that message in the film. Thanks so much for taking the time to chat with me. The Old Guard has been out for… five days. So I look forward to reuniting--

Greg: Does it feel longer to you. Gina? It feels like it's longer for me. [Gina laughs]

P: I look forward to reuniting in maybe 10 more days to talk about the sequel and spin-off and the prequel and all that sort of thing. [Greg laughs] But for now, The Old Guard is still on Netflix. And of course don't be tricked into watching any post-credit scenes because you might end up watching, you know, The Great British Bake Off. Well, thanks so much guys, it was a pleasure.

#tog interviews #i dont remember the tag i use for transcripts

[whetstonefires]

fictober prompt #7: “No worries, we still have time.” This one got so long. For a sprint prompt.

“Great. Just great!”

“No worries, we still have time.”

“That’s what you think!” Tim slammed the car trunk. “We have time assuming I-95 isn’t backed up around Baltimore and assuming we can get this tire changed in under fifteen minutes and assuming the spare isn’t flat and assuming that blow-out didn’t damage anything else in the car and assuming we can find the restaurant without any issues and are you filming me?”

Steph grinned over her phone at him. “You’re gonna have to stop being so funny if you want me to stop sharing you with the internet.”

“Grrrrahahaaaa!” Tim threw the lugwrench at the ground, then followed it onto his knees, picked it up, and started levering at the hub cap with the pointy end. “Fine. Whatever. Be like that. Hi internet, here’s how you change a tire. Observe how I wedged the rear wheels for safety’s sake before getting started.”

“Tch.” Steph saved the vid, locked her phone, and stuck it in her pocket before squatting down next to him. “It’s not actually a life-or-death issue whether we make our reservation on time. You could stand to relax a little. We’re on vacation.”

The hubcap popped off. Tim got up, rummaged in the equipment box for a few seconds, and came up with the jack. “Not like you take things any more seriously when it is a life or death issue.”

“I do so!”

“Fine. You do. But you still give me a hard time about—fretting. Like I’m making problems more real by trying to solve them before they have consequences!” He wrenched at a lug nut, probably over-loosening it.

Steph rocked back and forth on the balls of her feet, still crouching. She kept her knees close together because this skirt wasn’t all that long. “Are we really doing this right now?”

“Why not?” He’d finished with the nuts, and tossed the lug wrench underhand back into the equipment box.

“Because you’re in a snit and we won’t get anywhere useful, we’ll just get in a shouting match and wind up extra-late and in shitty moods for our dinner date with your geriatric crush.”

Tim shot a poisonous look over his shoulder before going back to wriggling the block that went under the jack for stability into place in the roadside gravel. “He’s just cool, alright. He did a lot of hero work in Gotham before Bruce was even born.”

“I know. I think it’s really cute how you’re still such a fanboy.”

Tim slid the hydraulic jack into place where it needed to be under the belly of the car, and stood up, clutching the handle of the thing. “Would you not do that.”

Steph grinned up at him. “What?”

“Talk like that. It…when you say nice things so they’re insults. It really gets to me.”

“Wow. Okay.” Tim started pumping the hydraulic jack, careful long smooth strokes like he had for some reason taken the time in his busy busy schedule to practice changing a tire. Steph’s eyebrows climbed as she watched. “…this is why they call it ‘jacking off,’ isn’t it?”

“Oh my god.”

“I thought you weren’t religious.”

Tim turned his face away, but he couldn’t hide the warmth in his voice. “Shut up. I don’t want to laugh right now.”

“Why not? Laugh!” Steph stood up, waving her hands in encouragement. “Relax! There is literally nothing that matters on the line! Mr. Scott isn’t going to think less of us for having a bad tire any more than he would if we missed dinner completely to save a bus full of schoolchildren being taken hostage.”

Tim didn’t argue, but his smooth rhythm on the jack didn’t stutter either, and the set of his chin looked mulish. Steph folded her arms. “Why can’t you enjoy not being under pressure for once? Why do you have to waste every second of your life worrying about some other second you can’t control? It’s exhausting! It pisses me off! Hey, look at me!”

“I thought you didn’t want to do this now.” Tim lowered the jack handle to the ground carefully.

“Shit. I didn’t. But for real! It’s bullshit, Tim! You already decided calling triple-A wasn’t efficient enough so you were doing things yourself, I don’t see how dwelling on all the things that might slow us down later is supposed to help anything now.”

“How is deciding everything’s going to be fine, so you don’t have to make any effort to consider the steps necessary to counter all the reasons it might not be, ‘helping?’”

“Because you can’t plan for everything! When you try all you do is make yourself and everyone around you miserable, and when a thing happens you’re just going to have to improvise anyway!”

Tim flung his hands out, time a-wasting now with no progress on the blown tire. “You think you can just do whatever works for you right now, and leave other people to deal with the fallout.” Steph’s fist clenched, because they never talked about her ‘death’ but that couldn’t not be referencing it. “You never take any responsibility,” Tim rushed on. “No matter how many times it goes wrong, you think you can just take action in the world without having to deal with what that means.”

Steph refused to get drawn into the same old argument. “I’ve been getting better about that. I’ve been working at it. But you? You’re just getting worse! You used to know how to have fun!”

They’d actually had a lot of fun so far, since leaving Gotham, but of course at the first hint of things going wrong he had to fly off the handle and lock down, and go into a snit fit when she tried to be optimistic. “Wasn’t this trip supposed to be about finding yourself and all that crap? What’s that worth if all you do is keep turning into Bruce?”

“For crying out loud, Steph, don’t make this about him.”

“How can I not?”

“Because it’s me! These are my personal hangups about my personal screw-ups! I can’t just offload it all on Bruce! Do I go around blaming anything about you on Cluemaster? Or your mom? Or even Barbara?”

Well, no. Bruce did, sometimes, because of his bullshit ideas about heredity that were honestly one step short of the outright eugenics Damian had been raised on, but that wasn’t really Tim’s bag. He was a critical jerk, but his criticisms tended to be about her, personally. If they were tangled up with where she came from, it was only at the subtext level. “I’m not doing it to score points or something,” she told him, “I’m saying you’re like this because he’s a bad influence, and you need to chill the fuck out. Before you alienate everybody you know and give yourself the cardiovascular issues of a dude three times your age!”

“Rrgh!” Tim turned his back on Steph and went back to loosening lugnuts, with his fingers now. It was a few seconds before he spoke, low and through his teeth. “Do you know how many people died in that war you started? Really died, not just fake died and ran away to Africa?”

The tight line of tension up his back was no match for the sick swoop in Steph’s gut that he would even bring this up. “That was not my idea.”

“Do you know?”

“It’s not like all your scheming and plotting means no one ever gets killed!”

“No. No, of course it doesn’t. But—fewer. That’s the whole point! That’s why I do it, why we do any of it! If I do everything right, fewer people get killed. That’s the point. And if I mess up, more people die. That’s what happens. When we mess up. So we have to do everything we can to not.”

His right hand twitched as he talked, not quite trembling but not able to maintain a consistent grip on the nut, either. Maybe he hadn’t loosened this one enough. His hand slipped off, twice, before he managed to get it turning.

Steph fought to even out her breathing. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair for him to turn every little thing into a giant drama and then talk like it was his moral obligation to do so, like she was flawed as a person for not being as screwed up as him.

She didn’t say that. She didn’t say anything close to it that covered up her own vulnerabilities better, either. She breathed. She’d been practicing this, ever since the months after her so-brief-it-counted-as-fake death when everything had made her too mad and scared to see straight. She’d done a lot of reading about ways to be okay. She’d even talked to a couple of people. Besides Leslie, who hadn’t been in a great place to advise her even if Steph had been able to listen.

“But…” she said finally, getting back to the core of the issue instead of reacting. “Nobody’s going to die, if we’re late to dinner.”

Tim’s hands still weren’t steady, as he smoothed his hair back, almost definitely getting some sort of grime or grease in it. “That…I know. I do know that.”

“So why are you being a dick about it?”

“Hah.” It was a ragged sound, not entirely unlike a laugh, but mostly just a word. “Don’t know how to stop, I guess.”

“So you’re gonna stop now?”

“I’ll try.” He twiddled the last lugnut free, then gripped the blown-out tire by the rim and heaved it loose, sliding it free of the fixed bolts. The jack held. This was good, as either the car didn’t come equipped with jackstands or Tim had decided to dispense with them for this operation, since he wasn’t going under the car himself.

Steph frowned, watching him bend with his arms full of wheel, to set it down in the gravel by the road. Something about how that had been resolved didn’t feel right. His emotions that had been making him lash out had been acknowledged, categorized as misdirected, he’d conceded the point. She’d won. With logic. So what was wrong.

She was trying to be better about this stuff. She still thought the amount of responsibility these batboys took for everyone else ever was condescending and bullshit and also basically a form of self-harm, but she could acknowledge that even if her normal approach was good for her mental health it led to her dropping the ball, sometimes, when she really couldn’t afford that. Or other people couldn’t. So. Middle ground. What was missing, in this conversation. What had they skipped.

While she thought, Tim had retrieved and now carefully hefted the replacement tire—not the normal mini-spare deal, this ride was kitted out with the assumption you might need to change a tire yourself and then immediately engage in a high-speed carchase across several hundred miles of terrain. It wasn’t flat, either. As he fed it onto the waiting lug bolts, Steph got the problem to click. “No one’s going to die,” she said. “But…you’ll be sad if we miss dinner with Mr. Scott. Or if turning up late just makes us look bad, and he doesn’t take to you. You want to impress him, and you’re worried about it.”

Tim finished getting the wheel into place before grumbling in his throat, shoulders hunched up toward his ears. “Yeah, okay, I’m an inveterate suck-up. You’ve got me. I give in. Let it go. Where the hell did I put the lugnuts?”

“Windshield wipers.” He’d laid them out there in a row, apparently having auto-selected a flat surface without consulting his conscious mind. Steph felt her mouth draw in like she’d bitten a lemon. “Also, no, shit, I’m not actually trying to give you a hard time.”

The look he shot her was dubious, before he went back to screwing on lugnuts.

“When you’re worried about something, and I tell you you shouldn’t be, you feel like I’m saying your emotions are dumb,” said Steph.

“Aren’t you?” He didn’t sound sulky so much as guarded, and trying not to sound even that. Why was this dork so bad at pretending not to care except when he was too damn good at it?

“Well…sometimes, yeah.” Because his feelings were dumb a lot. Except that was actually an asshole attitude, wasn’t it; just because his opinions were stupid didn’t mean his feelings were. She guessed. People were always acting like her feelings were stupid, though, did she owe them any better. Ugh. Was she really trying to have a psychological breaththrough while yelling at her ex who was changing a tire on the side of the interstate.

Tim snort-laughed again. His shoulders were coming down. He spun the second lugnut into place. “Okay.”

“But, uh…mostly I just want you to stop being such a downer. Just because you want to feel like crap doesn’t mean I’m obligated to join you.” Wow, so understanding. “Uh. Your feelings aren’t actually dumb. It’s fine if you want people to like you. Even if you should maybe get used to the fact that sometimes they don’t.” He was actually kind of spoiled, to be so used to approval that not getting it scared him, to expect people to help him just because he made a good impression. He was such a child sometimes. Such a man.

“I am used to that,” Tim said. “People don’t like me all the time. I’m not all that likable.”

At least he didn’t sound self-pitying about it, but Steph rolled her eyes. “Sure.”

“I know I have unfair advantages when it comes to making a…strong impression,” he continued, rather irritably, “but I’m sure you hear the same about being a gorgeous blonde. Advantages just means it must be more your fault when you fail.”

“Owch.”

“Generic you.”

“Yeah, I got that.”

The last lugnut as snugged as he could get it by hand, Tim turned a handle and the hydraulic jack depressurized, letting the car sink onto its new wheel. They both watched it in silence.

Tim glanced sidelong at Steph. Gauging something. “I’m sorry I yelled at you?”

“I’m…sorry for making fun of your anxiety because it made me feel bad.”

“I’m…sorry for making you feel bad?”

“Okay, let’s stop there,” said Steph, because this felt like something that could get out of hand. Infinite apology recursion.

Tim nodded. “Could you pass me the lugwrench?”

She went and fished it out of the box he’d thrown it into, while he got down on one knee next to the car again.

“You messed up your nice pants pretty bad,” she pointed out, passing the wrench over. “That’s actually probably worse than being late, in terms of making a good impression.”

“I was sort of thinking you’d drive the rest of the way,” Tim said, bending to his task. “So I can change as we go.”

“…well played.” She’d avoided getting involved in the wheel-changing because she was mad, and because it wasn’t so much a two-person job, and because he was the one who wanted to do it in such a rush and she wasn’t destroying this dress in the attempt. But she couldn’t really argue it wasn’t fair to expect her to drive, now. She even liked driving.

The prospect of facing possible traffic jams and trying to find the right street address and park near an unfamiliar restaurant in an unfamiliar city during rush hour was a lot more intimidating now she had to do it herself, though.

Tim smirked. Ooh, he knew exactly what she was thinking. “Fuck you,” she told him, but nicely.

It caught him by surprise, and he snort-laughed. Didn’t make a dirty joke, because it was Tim and he could be prim like that—Steph was like 95% sure he was still a virgin—but clearly thought about it. The atmosphere lightened as he continued making sure the new wheel wouldn’t fall off. The sound of passing vehicles going 70 miles per hour was much louder when they weren’t making any noise of their own. Good thing the interstate shoulders were so wide.

Tim tightened the last nut, and sat back on his heels. Steph smoothly traded him the shiny hubcap for the lugwrench, and walked over to shove the tool back in the kit. She was pretty sure this box had been well-organized when Tim took it out. Oh well, he could reorganize it at the next motel, next time he got a burst of OCD energy. Better than going through the cold-case files on his laptop. Tim finished forcing the hubcap into place and came after her, stooped under the awkwardly balanced weight of the jack.

It went into the box, too, with its little foundation block, and they wrestled the lid down and the emergency kit back into the trunk, on top of the spare tire compartment, now containing the ruined tire and also refusing to completely close.

Tim handed over the car keys, wiped his hands on a wet-wipe and then a paper towel because of course this car had both, and dug into his luggage for a spare pair of slacks. He was of course the sort of nerd who packed more than one pair of nice black slacks for a roadtrip vacation.

“If there’s one thing I can say for my superhero career,” Tim said brightly, as Steph pulled out onto I-95 heading south again and prepared to merge left, while he began to contort in the passenger’s seat, “it’s that it taught me to get my clothes off fast in adverse conditions.”

“I’d say ooh-lah but that’s basically the opposite of the ingredients for a hot striptease.”

“There is absolutely nothing I can say to that that does not make me look worse, good job.”

#fictober 2018 #stephanie brown #tim drake #batfam #fic #my fic #relationships #these two were so bad at respecting one another's points of view #okay? #also yeah i went and made their road trip literal #and i think alan scott is supposed to be dead shortly before flashpoint #but the moon blew up in the same storyline so #eff off brightest day #he lives in baltimore #hoc est meum #minimal revisions we die like pigeons

[adityafulia]

Tale of SOCIOPATH

Chapter 2

She will make sure you feel guilty

She will take advantage of you

She will eat you alive

After i heard she was engaged, i remembered asking her this question “what are you looking for? LOVE or just the presence of whoever is close to you? It’s doesn’t make any sense if you say that you love me, then you can just accept this guy’s proposal and be with this guy. It’s like you said you are not hungry but in fact you finished all the food in front of you”

Back to the story of this sociopath, the end of jan, i’ve deciced to stop contacting her

But she still tried to contact me, we had a chat , healthy chat i supposed, as a friend, i felt proud at least i didnt become the monster who ruined people’s relationship, i’ve done that for a month, from dec 2019 till jan 2020 and i felt guilty

She constanly pushing for her lies, asking for affections from me, talking about our relationship , just to make sure that i would not out of her sight. I was quite strong everytime she played her tricks (or, i thought so)

I knew,this is one of the symptons, passive aggresive, she will try to push the fact that i was the bad guy, all the time

She did that on feb 2020, i was quite strong, to just stick to my principle, we were over, i will not try to ruin her relationship, she could carry on

On mid march 2020, she contacted me again, just to say hi, i was still rock solid, i was clear that she was just a friend for me,

My focus was my job, and my personal development, i will try not to ruin peoples relationship and be better person, i considered her as a friend, nothing more even though she still played the trick to lure me, told me about her breakup..she asked me, to let her know once i got back, so that i can meet her

.

The flaw that i saw, i started to softened a bit,i said “i’ll let you know”, maybe i said that because i thought that she already broke up, and that lift up my hopes up, maybe

Then this pandemic come, i had a conversation about pandemic, how we reminded each other about the safety

She shared about the plan of building her house

She played another trick, striking my weak point,asking about my family

My sisters business, my nephew, my niece, also sometimes she shared the video of her dog

I found out that one of her friend, also talked about me, to her, this friend was also bullcrap, sophisticated conman or congirl i would say

Then i was asking about insurance product, one of my protection plan

March was quite normal,

On april, i heard that one of my friend saw one photo which actually taken before i broke up on aug 2019, she was with other guys, i just checked with her, just to make sure, that she never cheated on me when we were in relationship, with me realizing, actually i still trust her, and just wanted to hear the things that i want to heard, from her.

As usual, she played the tricks, she pushed the fact that she wanted me so bad, i dodged as usual,

we didnt have much time to talk daily, which was good, it was a very casual conversation, about pandemic, about the victim, vaccine, and all those educational hot topics, which was my favourite things to discuss.

She still played her tricks on me, share her food, she constancky updating herself to me, food,aLso give me advice, to live healthier life, basically, to show that she still care, i replied casually, as good as i can, as friend, without intention to hurt her feeling

I still have that hopes

Hopes too see better version of her, she constantly pushing the fact that she is already broken up, push another lies,that his ex forced her to marry her asap. She said she was srill thinking of me.this is what she wanted

I laughed and still give my wisdom, i reveal myself once again, to explained why i went abroad

She pushed , she told that we could have a better relationship if i stayed, she made me feel guilty again, so too speak, then we discussed about another lies, the house

Then another fight after i talked about my ex, i have been fixing this tangled ties, she blewn up, went crazy then we stop talking each other again, that cycle again.. as usual, that was april mid, i was started to feel normal, this cycle, on off

Then 18 may, she contacted me again, asking how am doing, she said she still on break with her ex

She shared about her ex parents, controlling, and still trying to lure me also,to become closer with her

That was her trick to lure me, discuss about the things that i like, business on daily basis,

Withiot realizing, in one week, i was in, i was intensely talked with her, maybe i was stressed out, lonely, i need someone to tak to, seemed that time, she was the only one

She still pushed the fact that she was not in another relathionship eith other guys, she wanted to see my face without beard,

She cared about me, want to know about me, teasing me, praising me, i was lured into this traps , really, big time,then the diry talks started

She began to lure me,said she miss me, said how she wanted to meet me, i was broken because of the work, my mental health was not in a good shape, got beaten up daily , then i was lonely, then i confessed that i cant stop thinking about her, i said ive been there too a few times

She lured me deeper, said she wanted me, hearrt and souls and body, then i melted, at the end of may

I was too lonely, crushed, i was emoty , nobody did that , nobodys there to help me, hen i realized, everytime something important, she was the first to know, that was stupid me

Then without realizing, we started the call, started to said i miss you too each other

Then i was blinded, i was thinking she was on break, i could break in, i started to have vid call, then in goes intense, i spoke as if she was not sociopath, she talked and responded normally, she wanted me back, that the point that blinded me. Only need 2 weeks for me to actually fell into this sociopath trap

Then dirty talks started, vidcall,, she asked me to come to her house, so we can spent the night toghether, doing “things”

I was stupid enough, naive enouh, even though i knew she is still with his fisncee, but she use my family as weapon, she did something nice to my family gave them food, and also meet my mom, i dont know the motive, but for sure this is one of her tricks, to save her face in front of my family

She praised me , i was to weak, it was bad enough for me to be kured to another traps by this sociopath

June 2020

She asked about substance,, she asked whether i had substance before, another lies coming

This month, was the worsrt, i was completely lost, i was officially lured, and disguised, this sociopath had succeed

She was on another meeting with her friend whibh i had i recollect, that was not only with friend, but also with another guys, rich guys, i suppose, hahaha that was good one,, sociopath

With a very stupid naive, i didnt saw that coming, she still tried to make me guilty related to my parents, she knew that was my weak point, she knnew i liked it when she asked about my family,once again i got tricked

8 june, i desperaly chasing her, officially, got lured, again

She tricked me , told me about another guy, which already slept with her, she told me as if this is the first time she knew that the guy is interested on her and she didnot interested

Mid june, she gave another reason while sleeping with another guy, blamed me for not married her,

Cycle goes again, we fought, she disappeared, off, and on again, i was quite firm , this sociopath should take action , im not waiting, meanwhile , little did i know, on “off “ time,she was playing, i gave her time to play , she managed to escaped during that off time, playing her tricks again, with some other guy

Yet, this sociopath still managed to blamed me, avoid to answer my quesrions, blamed me again and again, passove aggresive, typical sociopath

She pushed the fact “why these guys really wanted me, and you were not”. I cired, like a stupid baby,, and i recorded my voice , crying voice, she won, she heard me, she even asked to why she couldnot heard the voice, i knew what was the plan, that voice will be used to trick me again, as weapon, she could record the voice and remember this as my defeat

That goes on, till 25 of june, she said finaly she broken up, she said she was stupid, act like she was broken, she didnt want to be with another guy

I gave her time of till 30june, i thought this was normal, she was broken, i need to give her time,and eventually, she contacted me again

July was weird, first week, whatsapp chat started to decreased. Daily, i guess this is because if the effect of her concentration for work, which was good and i understood fully

But you should know, that was not because of work, not at all. She still pushed the facts that she still wanted me, she still longed for me, searched for me, on the other side, I confused, i thought she already single

I was broken we lost contact till mid of july, i contacted her, just to let her know my moms birthday, as she told me too do it often. 11 july

Lost contact till 22nd,, during the off time, i was confused, mad, also broken inside, then i got the news of repatriation flight, planning to surpise her, i bought the ticket, and asked her one day before my flight, with hope that i can meet her, because as far as i know, she was single, couple of guys tried to connect eith euth her, but deep down i knew she love me, she still wanted me, hence i asked, i still got a fair chance. I though of that

The response was bad, this was the beginning of an end,,,low response, unclear answer, me, stupidly sad, i said i love her, i want her, i want to meet her so badly

Desperately, this was cumulative from may,, mixed with my anxiety and all

Friday i landed, she still contacted me even though i feel broken, no news from her, i know i will not met her at the sirport, no way it could happened, she sent me couple of lines, and as usual, she left without replies

Stupid me, saturday , i went to her house, with high hopes, to get some clarifications, yes or no,, because i didnt not know the truth, my version was, she single now, couple of guys tried to conncet with her, and i need clar because now im back

She replied , dont find me , she felt uncomfortable and i replied asking for information, confirmation, i was confused, what happened during the lost time, 11 july-22 july, she changed drasrically, he replies, dont bother me anymore, i had bf now, and im happy

I was thinking about giving up, i still think that if she didnot want to meet me, she could just told me that, its fair, i can leave once i heard that from her mouth,,,and after i saw this reply, i have given up, i thought that this is what she wanted, so yeah i gave up

Little did i know, this was the start of big disclosures, the end of this lunacy, the end of this sociopath story......

Things are pretty good from here

But you aint really good

I never learned when we were here before

Just stop your cry it is the sign of the times

[thievinghippo]

Fic Update: Courtship (2/7)

Fandom: Mass Effect: Andromeda

Chapter Title: Sexually (read on Ao3!)

Pairing: Jaal Ama Darav/Skylar Ryder

Rating: Teen

Summary: Jaal’s family comes to Meridian, ready to ask questions and get some answers about the relationship between Ryder and Jaal.

Notes: Endgame spoilers here.

chapter one

#

Hello, Jaal.

At the sound of SAM’s voice, Jaal looks up from his workstation in Ryder’s room, even though he knows there will be nothing to look at. Habit. “How can I help you, SAM?” he asks, picking up his datapad. His family wanted a rest after the lunch they just shared, so he took the chance to do some work. He will finish this gift to the Tempest crew, an epic poem of their adventures together, if it kills him. At this rate, it just might if he doesn’t find a rhyme for ‘intelligence’ soon.

I have been researching the tavoan. From the texts I have discovered, I see that the true mother is responsible for organizing the family and that Ryder should not be a part of that. She was not aware of that and planned on undertaking the responsibility herself.

“Of course she did,” Jaal mutters under his breath. No one will ever describe his Ryder as uneager.

She is now aware that someone else needs to take the lead and accepts this. As you know, Ryder’s mother is incapacitated. I was created to help her mother and prolong her life span. Because of this, I feel it is my duty to organize the tavoan for Ryder.

“That is very kind of you,” Jaal says, meaning every word. It makes sense, in a way. The only other person he imagines might offer is Scott, and Ryder’s brother is still recovering from his various maladies.

So I must ask you, does Ryder satisfy you sexually?

Jaal widens his eyes, not expecting SAM to ask so quickly. But who else would ask just a private question? Ryder is so private of a person, SAM makes sense.

The datapad goes back down on the desk as Jaal leans back in his chair. “You would know,” he says dryly. “You are there for the experiences, are you not?”

If he is honest, Jaal tries not to think about Ryder’s connection with SAM too much. It’s ridiculous to be jealous of a machine, but SAM knows everything there is to know about Ryder. It’s a level of connection Jaal can only dream of.

When I realize that the two of you will soon be intimate, I choose to busy myself with other matters. I do try to give as much privacy as I possibly can.

He did not know that. “Thank you,” Jaal says. “That is appreciated. The answer to your question is yes. Ryder is nothing but satisfaction.”

Jaal’s not sure what sort of response he expects from SAM; he’s not even sure he wants one. But there is only silence. And after a minute, it becomes unnerving. “SAM?”

While I might try not to be present during your encounters, I still take data. I am unable to stop that function. Eighty-seven percent of your sexual interludes with Ryder ends in completion on your end. You have let her believe the percentage is one hundred.

Jaal wants to protest about this claim, but stops, knowing it to be absolutely true. “I have never lied to her,” he says, a sense of shame settling onto his shoulders. While he can tell himself he never lied, he knows that in spirit, he has. He can think of several times he let her think he finished when he had not, and knew he would not.

The worst is he’s not even sure why. More than once, Ryder let him know that she wouldn’t have an orgasm during sex. The first time it happened bothered him greatly - angaran women almost always come, and easily, too - but once they talked it over, Jaal understood that human women are different, more like angaran men. Which makes his actions seem even worse in comparison.

 A lie of omission is still a lie in many cultures, including the angara.

“I don’t want her thinking I don’t desire her,” Jaal says, running his hand over his head. “I do, oh stars, I do, but…” He trails off, staring at his hands, not even sure of the rest of the sentence.

Before their first time together, Jaal watched human pornography, trying to get a better idea of what to expect with Ryder. The men in those vids… They were machines. Angaran men aren’t like that. Is it misguided to not want Ryder to feel as if she missed something by being with him? Perhaps it is.

This is the purpose of the tavoan, for situations exactly like this. To make them realize issues and shortcomings in a relationship that neither party might not have known were even there.

“I will make this right, SAM,” Jaal says. And he will. He will tell Ryder the truth and never again let her think he finished during sex if he has not. He feels lighter, almost, at the thought. Perhaps this weighed him down more than he realized? “Thank you.”

You are most welcome, SAM says. Logging myself out.

Jaal leans back in his chair. The first question of the tavoan. There will be four more. He can only wonder what revelations those might bring.

#

“Ryder, may I have a moment of your time?”

Ryder looks up from her seat in the main cafeteria. One of Jaal’s cousins looks down at her, but for the life of her, she can’t remember the woman’s name. Ryder’s tried so damn hard to memorize the names and faces of his family, but there are just so many of them. So different than her small family. Dad had no siblings. Mom, a brother with no kids. Ryder and Scott had no other siblings or cousins. Lucky Jaal, she thinks.

“Of course,” Ryder says, gesturing to the empty seat across from her. The cafeteria’s not so busy at the moment, which means less people to eavesdrop. She knows rumors are running rampant about her and Jaal right now, especially with most of his family visiting Meridian. Conversations like this won’t help.

“Thank you,” the cousin says with a smile. “We met so briefly, you might not remember my name. I am Neera, Jaal’s favorite cousin.”

Ryder smiles, wondering if every cousin is Jaal’s favorite, following his mother’s footsteps. At least Neera was kind enough to introduce herself. Jaal’s family had it easy. They only need to remember one of her, when between his many mothers, siblings, and cousins, she needs to remember seventeen of them. “Hello again,” she says, wondering what question will be next.

“I’m sure you know why I am here, so I will be brief,” Neera says, folding her hands in front of her. “Does Jaal satisfy you emotionally?”

The answer is yes, how could it not be yes? Ryder never imagined that she would find someone so open about their feelings. And he always wants to know how she feels as well. For someone used to burying their feelings, almost bordering on repressing them, there’s a freedom to that. She’s never once felt like she’s burdening him with her feelings.

Yet part of her worries. He’s so open, so free in regards to how he feels. Even before they started their relationship, all Ryder needed to do was look at Jaal and she would know exactly what sort of mood he was in. And then there’s her. She’s tried so hard to be better about things, to try to tell him her thoughts, and even more important, show him. But she doesn’t know if she’ll ever be comfortable with emotion like he is. Worse, she doesn’t know if she wants to be 

Will he be satisfied with that? So far, he’s not said anything. But in a year? Five years? The rest of their lives?

“You are quiet,” Neera says and Ryder hears the worry in her voice.

Ryder stares down at the plate of noodles in front of her. Why must these questions come when she’s trying to eat? She’s not sure what to do here. Neera is essentially a stranger to her, even if she’s Jaal’s favorite cousin.

“Jaal more than satisfies me emotionally,” Ryder says. She takes a breath, ready to admit what worries her. That’s the point of this, after all. “But I worry that I might not satisfy him.”

Neera tilts her head. “If he has concerns, he will he discuss that when he’s asked,” she says with a shrug. “You can worry then. There is no need to worry now.”

“You make it sound so simple,” Ryder says. “I wish I could believe that.”

“But it is,” Neera says. “Why would you worry over something that has yet to be?”

Ryder tries to picture that sort of life, a life where you didn’t worry over every possible outcome. She wonders what it says about her that she can’t. “I guess you’re right,” she says, not wanting to get into a discussion about anxiety in the middle of the cafeteria. “If Jaal has an issue, he can talk about it.”

Neera smiles, a wide smiling showing almost all her teeth. “For what it’s worth, from what Jaal’s told me, I don’t think there’s an issue.” She stands, then takes one of Ryder’s hands in both of hers. “I must bring this to Jaal’s true mother. Enjoy your day.”

Ryder watches her leave, wondering what exactly what will be said to Sahuna. Finally she decides to take Neera’s advice and tries not to worry about things not yet to be.

#

Ryder has dinner with Jaal’s family and she can barely keep up. She tries, oh how she tries, but there are just so many of them. Finally she sits back and simply listens, trying to take in at least three conversations at once.

Jaal’s in fine form, teasing one cousin then talking serious political matters with a sibling in almost the same breath. She wonders what it would have been like growing up with such a family and can’t even picture it. The Ryders were close-knit yet so very separated from each other.

One by one, members of Jaal’s family leaves until it’s just the two of them with Sahuna. Jaal’s got his arm around her shoulders and a sense of contentment settles over Ryder. She puts her hand on Jaal’s knee and hopes that someday, he’ll be able to meet her mother. Ellen will like him, of that Ryder has no doubt. 

“My true mother, I did not want to say this in front of the rest of the family, but Ryder has decided to also start a tavoan. I spoke to SAM this afternoon,” Jaal says and Ryder can’t help but smile at the pride in his voice. She’ll have to research more angaran customs. She won’t have him miss out on anything for her.

“That is wonderful to hear,” Sahuna says, her eyes lighting up. “Do humans have any sort of customs like that?”

Ryder blows out some air from her lips. “Not really. A couple of hundred years ago, though, a man had to get permission from a woman’s father before he asked her to marry him. But that’s not the case now.”

“Permission?” Sahuna asks, looking almost affronted. “Why would a father give permission?”

“Society was different then. Women weren’t considered to be equal to men. Hence permission,” Ryder says.

“I’m glad your society has changed,” Jaal says seriously. “I cannot imagine any world where another person would try to hold you back from something you’ve set your mind on.”

“Can’t imagine my dad ever trying to pull something like that,” Ryder says. “But there’s no other customs. Family isn’t nearly involved with relationships for humans like they are with angarans.”

Jaal and Sahuna share a look she can’t quite interrupt. Pity, perhaps? Family is so important to the angaran Ryder understands completely why they might pity her for that. But she’s trying. The crew of the Tempest plus a few select others have become family to her. SAM will make sure to include the right people.

“Such differences in your upbringing, yet you two have found each other. It is beautiful,” Sahuna says, standing up. “Now, this mother must get some rest. I’ll see you both tomorrow. Stay clear.”

Ryder watches Sahuna walk out of the cafeteria with her head resting against Jaal’s shoulder. The dinner rush is over, leaving only a few occupied tables and just a slight buzz of conversation. A satisfied weariness settles over her. It’s been a productive day, prepping the Tempest for their next trip. The outpost on Kadara reported some issues and she doesn’t want to take any chances.

“Come, let us retire for the night,” Jaal says as stands up. “Unless you have more work to do?” He grabs both their trays before Ryder has a chance to pick up her own. “If you don’t, I thought we could talk a bit.”

And there goes her satisfied weariness, a sharp burst of anxiety in her stomach taking its place. What did he and SAM talk about? From her research, she knows that the first question is always the sex question. Maybe humans and angara aren’t as compatible as she thought?

“Okay,” she says, trying to keep the worry out of her voice. “Let’s talk.”

It fails, of course it fails, because Jaal knows her. “Oh, my darling one, I would take you in my arms right now if I weren’t holding these trays.”

She smiles at that, because how can she not? His words do make her feel better. If something was out of step between them, she would know, and he wouldn't be looking at her so tenderly.

Ryder takes one of the trays from his hands. “I suppose I can help with your burden.”

“You have no idea how the words you say are true,” Jaal says.

They recycle their trays and the moment their hands are free, Jaal takes her hand in his. It’s taken a bit of time to get used to, but public displays like this don’t bother her any more. In the beginning of their relationship, Ryder wanted to keep everything private, as is her nature. But it wouldn’t be fair to only think of her feelings, not when his are just as important. Now, though, she enjoys the simple comfort of holding hands off-duty more than she realized possible.

The walk to her father’s old quarters are silent, and Ryder feels no pressure to fill the silence with words. Jaal will tell her what he wants to talk about soon enough. There is still the slight thread of worry fluttering over her skin, but she does her best to push it away.

She silently tells SAM to busy himself elsewhere for a bit. SAM’s always there, even when he’s not, but just the act of asking him to disappear is enough. She looks around the room - why does Jaal insist on making the bed every damn day - and waits while he settles into what she’s dubbed the reading chair.

When Jaal looks pointedly down at his lap, Ryder grins, knowing things can’t be that bad, though she’s still admittedly curious to know what he wants to talk about. She sits down on his lap and gives herself a few moments of simply being in his arms, of being held. This relaxes her more than any meditation technique Lexi could ever offer.

“I had a realization today when discussing sex with SAM,” Jaal says. The flutter of worry amps up and starts to feel more like a knot to Ryder. She waits, deciding not to say anything until Jaal’s finished. “A few times, not many, hardly any at all, really…”

He trails off and then is silent, which isn’t like him at all. “Jaal?” she asks, resting her head against his shoulder. She looks up and sees tears in his eyes and sits back up immediately. The knot’s been upgraded to a sledgehammer of worry.

Jaal takes a deep breath and Ryder doesn’t resist as he holds her tighter. “SAM helped me understand that I have deceived you, dearest, and even though it was not with malice, it still weighs heavy on my heart,” he says, each word telling her how upset he is.

Deceived her? Ryder can’t even begin to wrap her head around that one. “Okay, then,” she says, wiping away the tears under his eyes with her thumb. “Let’s figure this out.”

“How are you not upset?” Jaal asks, his voice disbelieving.

“Because I don’t know what it is yet,” Ryder says. “And I believe you when you say it wasn’t with malice. So I reserve the right to get upset once I know more. How’s that?”

His eyes close, as he rests his brow against her cheek. “Always so practical,” he says softly. “There have been a few times when we’ve made love when I have not come to completion but I let you think I had.”

Ryder doesn’t move as she tries to comprehend what Jaal is saying. “You’ve been faking orgasms?” she asks. But that doesn’t sound right. Jaal likes to talk, but he’s not particularly loud in bed and more than once she’s not been sure if he’s orgasmed or not. She always assumed he would tell her if he hadn’t, especially consider how she lets him know about herself.

He shakes his head. “I would not insult you like that,” he says. “I would let things run their course without letting you know.”

Definitely better than faking an orgasm. “Does this happen a lot?” she asks. Then with her pulse speeding up, she adds, “Is it something I’ve done?”

“It is not you,” Jaal says at once. She sees him reading the metrics in his visor. Someday, she’s going to have SAM tell her his vitals during conversations like this, just so that he’s not the only one armed with that information. “Angaran men do not finish every time.”

“Like human women,” Ryder says. They talked about this before, how there was no way she would orgasm every time they have sex. “Why wouldn’t you just tell me?”

Jaal turns his head, staring out into the room. “The human pornography vids Liam gave me-”

Ryder groans. This explains a few things at least. “Don’t base our sex life on human porn, please. They’re completely unrealistic and basically awful,” she says.

“Really?” Jaal asks, confusion lacing his voice. “Why in the world would your people make sex vids that aren’t realistic? Isn’t that the point of pornography? To explore the realm of the possible?”

Ryder sits up straight at that. “That’s what angaran porn is like? Realistic sex?” She bites her lower lips. She’s watched porn before, but nothing really ever made her feel like she was missing out by not watching. But what Jaal describes… “Is that… Is that something we could…”

Jaal laughs, a deep chuckle that she knows is not directed at her. The sound goes through her, settling into her core. “Yes, you temptress. That is something we most certainly could do together. I would very much enjoy watching angaran sex vids with you.”

Her cheeks flush, even though there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. “Maybe when we’re on the Tempest,” she says. “We’ve still got the setup from movie night.”

“I like the way you think,” Jaal says, kissing her neck.

It would be so easy to just let Jaal continue, but she wants to make sure everything is right between them. “So you’ll let me know if you won’t come from here on out?” she asks. “And if you ever need more time or more anything, really, when we’re making love, tell me?”

Sometimes it feels strange to call sex making love all the time. But that’s what sex truly is with Jaal. No matter the position or the tempo or the words spoken between them, sex with Jaal has never once felt like they were simply fucking.

“Yes,” he says, his voice a promise.

“Good,” Ryder says, kissing him lightly on the lips. She knows she should drop the subject, but her curiosity gets the better of her. “So when you say this happened only a few times, do you know how many?”

Jaal leans back in the chair, and Ryder takes the chance to rest against him, enjoying the way he rubbed large circles onto her ass with the palm of his hand. “I don’t, but SAM said it was thirteen percent of the time.”

Ryder quickly does the math in her head. “So about six times,” she says. She’s suddenly embarrassed, realizing this lets Jaal know that she knows about how many times they’ve made love since the first time on Aya.

“Should I ask how you know that?” Jaal says, his voice dropping down into a lower register.

“No, no you should not,” Ryder says, turning so that she straddles him in the chair. It’s a bit uncomfortable but she knows, as Jaal brings her in for a kiss, that she won’t be sitting here for long.

#mass effect #jaal ama darav #skylar ryder #otp: favorite place in the universe #mass effect: andromeda spoilers #hippo writes fanfiction

[ecotone99]

[SF/H] Butterfly Strike

edit: Very sorry! Realised that SP/HR would've been a better way of categorising this short. Apologies.

You know what the Butterfly Effect is, don’t you? I think nearly everyone does. It goes something like this: Everything is determined by what happened before.

What this means - in the loosest possible sense - is that a butterfly flapping its wings on one side of the world can trigger a series of events that, weeks later, causes a hurricane. Small triggers set increasingly larger things in motion. Just like dominoes.

A few years ago, people who watch - people who pay attention to patterns among the chaos - noticed something new. Sometimes, the steps between the butterfly and the hurricane are removed. For no reason anyone can tell, sometimes our small actions become microcosms for something much, much bigger. According to them, there's no such thing as an ‘act of God’. There’s just us.

They call these moments a Butterfly Strike.

There’s no telling who will be ‘chosen’ as the Butterfly (if there’s even any logic or great Decider), or where the effects of their actions will occur. It’s a crapshoot. You don’t know when it’s your turn. It might never be your turn. That’s how the theory goes. It’s all chaos in the end.

The story is that some nerd on a forum somewhere wrote that after an intense session with naught but a dark room, his well-lubed palm and Pornhub, he flicked on the news and saw that a catastrophic avalanche had taken the lives of half a skiing resort at the base of Mont Blanc. He said he felt responsible somehow. Everyone laughed, because obviously they did. The guy who jerked it so hard he wiped out a small town.

It should’ve died there and then, but it was funny, and funny things stick in people’s minds. After a series of probing questions (“Can you share the vid you were watching? I want to wreck a small town myself”), a few forced memes and the usual kicks of a dying thread, it wound down.

But then someone else commented. They hadn’t been masturbating they said, and it was nothing to do with the avalanche. They’d had a hot and heavy session dealing with their acne a few months before. They’d spent the better part of an hour propped up in front of a mirror squeezing pimples before working up to a juicy cluster of blackheads the size of a dime. They found out later that at exactly the same time as they got that final, disgusting release, a chain of volcanic eruptions had torn a hole in some province in the Philippines.

The laughter continued.

Then someone else commented. No bodily fluids for them. They’d made pasta for lunch, been stirring it like crazy under the advice of some Italian relative who said it encouraged the starch to make sauce stick better. Sinkholes had opened up in Mexico City swallowing an apartment complex that killed nearly 200 people.

The laughter continued.

But forums like these are filled with all sorts of people. Some of those people are the types who’ll do anything to pass the time - to find a mystery to make their lives meaningful - and they got to work. They started off by taking in more stories from their fellow forum users. There were a couple of decent leads, but the majority of the results were clearly jokers, misplaced guilt, or some sort of latent messiah complex-come-narcissism.

They spread their net more widely. Started looking at articles and trawling comments.

“How awful for all those families! I was changing my daughter’s diaper when it came on the radio! I hugged her close and thought about how lucky I was.”

They created their own forums and swapped findings. Patterns started to emerge. Everyday people doing everyday things that somehow reflected an event happening elsewhere in the world at the precise same time. Often these things were similar in nature, even in an abstract way. What a coincidence.

“To think I was playing fetch with my dog at the same time those people were suffering. We have it so easy here. Thoughts and prayers.”

Did the event cause the action, or did the action cause the event?

It started off like some flat-Earth crap to be ignored and derided. But everyday people are stupid. Everyday people are superstitious. As soon as this idea started to circulate more widely, everyone got in on it.

As soon as people decided this was real, just about every person with a social media account and too little going on in their lives became paranoid. No one wants to think they’re responsible for inflicting so much harm to others.

Before you knew it, there were channels and podcasts dedicated to ‘Butterfly Strikes’, a term many people claim credit for creating.

“Where were you when you heard the news? I was out watering my garden. As soon as I found out where it was happening, I got on the phone and called my friends and relatives out there. Everyday I thank the emergency services for their duty.”

When ‘after the fact’ was no longer useful, an appetite grew for something current. After all, what good is it hearing about these tragedies once they’ve happened when we might have the power to stop them? If nothing else, it would stop the spate of guilt-triggered suicides that began blooming across the globe like an epidemic as those everyday people began thinking that that one time when they revved their engine too hard at a red light they might’ve caused a forest fire.

“The wife and I had just pulled in for gas when we found out. We were so upset, we turned right back around and donated our vacation fund to help the aid workers. God bless!”

These days, the second something looks like it might happen, the news starts rolling.

Every stiff breeze, every rumble, every plume of smoke - it all gets relayed to people who believe in it, which is an ever-increasing number. Doesn’t matter where they are or what they’re doing. They down tools, they sit quietly, and they wait for it to pass. Because if you don’t then you’re basically a sociopath. A mass murderer.

There’s no law that says we have to, but the societal pressure has become immense. Sure the suicides have diminished now everyone who believes spends two to three hours of their day completely inert, but that hasn’t stopped vigilantes going up against someone they’ve decided might be responsible because they wiped their ass at the wrong time. And yes, okay, maybe the number of ‘Acts of God’ have decreased by a negligible amount, but smart money is on authorities changing up how they categorise such things rather than a meaningful change in the way the world functions. Who knows how far this ridiculous conspiracy has reached?

So, no, I didn’t stop working.

I have trained my whole life to do what I do, and I will not be challenged for ignoring some superstitious bullshit just because everyday people have decided we should. I have a responsibility and I intend to fulfill it. I don’t care that the rest of the team refused to help. If they chose to down tools and watch on in dumb horror because of some inane announcement while I continued, then that’s on them.

I won’t apologise for saving that man’s life. If I’d stopped he would’ve bled out into his thoracic cavity and died in five minutes. I had no choice but to operate.

Come on. Be serious for a moment. You’ve got someone you know will absolutely, certainly die right in front of you, and the possibility that maybe - just maybe - something somewhere else in the world might happen. You can’t gamble on a life because ‘maybe’. You can’t let a man die because ‘what if’.

You can’t.

… Only now I’m here alone, watching a livestream of a camera flying over what remains of Sicily, I’m suddenly not so sure.

submitted by /u/Skeleheron [link] [comments] via Blogger https://ift.tt/2XJaxpi

#Blogger #Story

[automatismoateo]

From a stranger on the internet. My lie till fourteen. via /r/atheism

Submitted April 24, 2017 at 07:27AM by Wawadish (Via reddit http://ift.tt/2okhqwd) From a stranger on the internet. My lie till fourteen.

It's been slightly over 3 years, yet it feels like it's been forever. A tree that loses it's roots is bound to fall. Once it falls, it will give back to earth what earth has given it. However my tree is still standing, unstable but standing. It's been holding it's ground for three years.

I will be 17 years old in slightly over a week. It first started with agnosticism, three years ago. I used to watch some anti-atheist YouTube videos, as a mean to reinforce my beliefs, blinded by the lie that was presented to me as truth at a very young age, I would stand there. Alone in front of my monitor, I'd watch, and watch, and watch. Video after video, I felt like I saw all of them. However I am not born blind. A lie eventually reveals itself. "You may indoctrinate a child, but you can't lie to a sound mind." At the very least, that's what I thought. "Filthy atheists, you raise your children ready for hell." I had hope. I was hoping that the kids of atheists will convert to Islam later in their lives and be "saved". In my head they had to, I mean... my parents would always tell me Islam was the fastest growing religion in the world... They tried to give reason to nonsense...

I might have been lied to, but a lie always reveals itself if given enough time. I was not deaf and had a fully functioning brain. So it wasn't long before the arguments of the "other side" started to tickle my logic. However I couldn't let it go. I'd hold onto my roots and pray for a sign. Nothing... "Just give me a sign, God, anything." A car would pass by. For me, that was enough. It was enough to keep my belief going for a day or two and then "Oh God, If you're there please show me, show me that you exist, please" A light! I left my computer open and the light was going on and off... "It's okay I understand, if you can't do it for somebody else you can't do it for me. You are fair after all, God." I kept trying to find and excuse, but then I realized. I was lied to once and now I'm lying to myself.

I became and agnostic. I would still think of myself as a Muslim, however it was a lot more like a back up plan. "Well, what if I die and it's all true?" My father would teach me religion every now and then, but during his "class", I couldn't stop thinking about one thing. Are all the other kids taught the same thing? No matter their religion, no matter what they believe in? Do they all think they're special, that everyone is wrong? That THEY are going to paradise and everyone else won't? For me it was selfish, all these people were selfish. They felt relief. They felt relief as their religious leader kept bragging about how everyone in other religions are going to hell, but them... they are the special ones, the children of the prophecy, the special snowflakes. It goes without saying that this state of agnosticism didn't last long. "Well if God is real, then he will surely accept everyone in paradise, no one deserves eternal punishment." Naive. I was so blind yet I could see EVERYTHING!

I believe that every action has a reaction and that we're the product of the universe, you could call me stardust, I wouldn't mind. A life without meaning but no meaning without life. So maybe, just maybe we're trying so hard to stay alive so that we can understand, we can learn, we can discover meaning. However there is none and there will never be. Call me a nihilist for all you want... that's what I believe in. I believe in life, but I don't believe in meaning in life.

So there I was, alone in front of my monitor. Watching some videos. I learned a lot of science through those anti-muslim vid- A month, here I was thinking a month would be enough for me to forget about everything, to forget about hell. I was afraid, for two long weeks I was afraid.

With no one to talk to, no one to understand me I became passive. Deprived of self... I abandoned myself. I let go of anger and joy. This might sound like some stupid self diagnosed depression, but it wasn't. I was far from being depressed. However I wasn't happy either. There was no one I knew who went through the same thing I went through, no hardcore religious boy who became an atheist all of a sudden. Sure, I tried to seek comfort on the internet, the internet was full of people just like me! Yet they were so far away... Knowing that a stranger went through the same troubles wasn't enough for me to feel at ease.

I love computers, I've spent probably a quarter of my life in front of a screen. They are so complete... They follow a set of instructions without interfering with the commands. They allow one's logic to become reality. I recently applied in Computer Science and Mathematics for college (different schooling system, elementary (6-12),high school(12-17), college (17-19), university) and got accepted. I'm so happy! I can't stop thinking about it. High school passed by so fast.

It's good not to be able to talk and share your feelings with someone else form time to time. I feel like the reason I'm "at peace" with my self, with my thoughts. Is because I had enough time and because I was all alone. I didn't get to follow through someone else's logic, I had to make sense of it all by myself. I came to understand death."I fear nothing, nothingness." I don't want to go back to a state of nonexistence, but that's what I'm thinking right now, at this moment, while I'm still alive, existing. When I won't exist anymore, I won't be thinking. I won't be feeling and I certainly won't be afraid. I just wont "be".

I tried coming out once, my parents said I was confused and I was too young and then they acted as if nothing happened. They think I'm a Muslim once again. I'm okay with that. I gave them a chance. If they die tomorrow, I won't feel guilty for having never told them. I gave them a chance to accept it but they didn't, and I can't force them to.

Years have passed and I started to understand my atheism more clearly, It's impossible for me to narrate the events of three years in mere sentences. However I want to announce to the world, that it's been three years, three years and I'm still standing.

This might just seem like incoherent rambling to some, but thoughts don't have the luxury to come in an orderly fashion. Now forgive my poor English for it is not my spoken language, but with these few paragraphs, I hope to have touched the life of at least someone out there, alone in front of his monitor, confused... maybe afraid. If you share the same thoughts as me I want you to know that you are not alone!

-A stranger on the internet.

#reddit