#but no one wants to do the work and tell me when its ok to bother them. if i bother someone too many times in a row and get no response

[vickyvicarious]

(In order to not derail op's thread, and jic they've not finished reading the books, hope this is ok) The madness/mental illness discussion between Laura and Jonathan made me think about the in-between of Jonathan leaving the hospital and then being validated!

One thing is, pre-Hawkins death, Mina states to Lucy that Jonathan has been working hard, but that he is weak still and placid, and also that he has nightmares. It tells on them both, because Mina cannot get a full night's sleep due to him waking up screaming and she needs to soothe him. Journal aside, Mina says she is so worried about his nerves that she doesn't communicate with him about how tired she is herself. It reminds me of Walter wanting to protect Laura from distress.

Post-Hawkins death, Jonathan gets worse. "He says the amount of responsibility which it puts upon him makes him nervous. He begins to doubt himself. I try to cheer him up, and my belief in him helps him to have a belief in himself. But it is here that the grave shock that he experienced tells upon him the most. Oh, it is too hard that a sweet, simple, noble, strong nature such as his—a nature which enabled him by our dear, good friend’s aid to rise from clerk to master in a few years—should be so injured that the very essence of its strength is gone."

Not a very traditionally ''manful'' picture, but Mina never goes there. Still, he throws himself into work. Mina says her belief in him helps Jonathan believe in himself. Maybe Laura would have benefited from being believed in.

What prompts Walter to do something drastic is when Laura weeps in her sleep. What prompts Mina to break the seal later is when Jonathan faints in public and loses the memory of it.

The way Mina treats Lucy and Jonathan in illness seems equal. She keeps their secrets upon their request too. Walter and Mina take similar active roles for their spouses, though Mina isn't necessarily masculine for it.

An interesting imho comparison could also be when Mina chooses to consult Van Helsing while Jonathan is away for his first work trip and how they communicate throughout it, and Walter with the sisters.

Aside, when she asks Van Helsing to help Jonathan, he says, "I promise you that I will gladly do all for him that I can—all to make his life strong and manly, and your life a happy one." Van Helsing promises to make his life manly, though Mina had asked to make him "well again". So he kind of made it about gender, though it wasn't for Mina.

(I also wonder if we can call Jonathan ''cured'' really, as he doesn't actually return to his former self, but it'd get too long!)

(Tagging @animate-mush because the WIW substack has ended now, hopefully you're all caught up... but regardless no spoilers past where we were last week.)

Anon, you sum up my thoughts incredibly well: "Maybe Laura would have benefited from being believed in."

I think that is perhaps the most major difference between the recovery period for the two of them. Because while they both have remarkably similar symptoms, and both their spouses hide stuff from them for a while... when things come to a head Mina chooses to believe in Jonathan. Not just in supporting him as he goes back to work (which you're right, he has little choice about doing - an external gendered element there, where societal pressures/norms mean Jonathan kind of has to get to work and Laura is never expected to at all); Mina trusts Jonathan with information, with an important role in what follows.

There's obvious contextual differences. Jonathan knew he could access his lost memories and explicitly didn't want to unless it was necessary. He put the power to decide that in Mina's hands (and it was his request but still her choice to share in his ignorance until she needed more information). When she reads his journal, she's trying to better help him within parameters they have both agreed to. When she eventually tells him everything is true, she's trusting that this will be validating for him and help him heal, help him be more "well again" (though you're right both that he never returns to his former self, and that Van Helsing is the only one who brings gender into it with his assumption that Mina's looking to make Jonathan more manly).

Laura never had an equivalent - both in terms of a discussion with the ones leaving her out for the sake of her mental health, and in the sense of some record she knows she can fall back on. She didn't have a hidden journal when she was being drugged or in the asylum. Most of the information Walter and Marian gather is from other people.

I think there is a period where both Jonathan and Laura have information hidden from them for their own sake. And I don't think that was inherently wrong or anything; in fact I think it was somewhat needed. Jonathan got the chance to explicitly ask for that period of ignorance. We don't quite have any such dialogue from Laura, but the narration still tells us that there were certain topics that were very confusing to her or which she didn't like to linger on (and her experience with Mr. Fairlie even after getting out of the asylum can't have helped), and there's that scene where she says she will "try to get better", showing recognition of how unwell she currently is. I think they both need this time to focus on recovering, and their spouses/loved ones want to support them so they can do so. Again, the societal gender role divides them here: Jonathan has to work and in fact has to take on new/more challenging work, while Laura doesn't and can devote more time to rest and recovery. There's benefits and drawbacks to both of those, in my mind. Jonathan got support from Mina and reassurance that she (and Mr. Hawkins) believed in him, which was helpful. On the other hand, it stressed him out more and he was still suffering from his nightmares, etc. Laura got more time to take it easy without having other stress added on, which was helpful. But on the other hand, she didn't get the same level of trust and belief in her ability to, if not 'return to normal,' at least to be productive and helpful in some way.

Yeah, I'm talking about her drawings. I think that is where the big divide comes. Because when she wants to contribute and help with the household, Walter decides to lie to her and play-act that she is bringing in money. I get that he's trying to avoid letting her stress over money, but it feels so condescending. He's treating her like a child rather than being honest with her - right after she asks him not to treat her like a child. Maybe being honest would just be telling her that she's not well enough to work/that it wouldn't be safe, and that he has the money handled. Maybe they'd come up with some other way she could chip in. At least she'd be involved in the discussion as she clearly wanted to be. And while I don't think she would be involved in the hunting down different accounts or confrontations that follow at the end of the book any more than Marian was, I think they should have told her what was going on. That doesn't necessarily mean giving her all the nitty gritties especially if they're triggering to her; but giving her the chance to speak for herself, to add her thoughts, even to ask to be left out if she thinks she can't handle it. She never gets that. There's no reevaluation later on.

Both Jonathan and Laura were denied validation in a way that made them doubt their sanity. Jonathan's experiences were supernatural and he fears he lost his mind. Laura was lied to and gaslit about her own identity, outright told she was suffering from delusions. Revealing that the supernatural things he remember are real was validating for Jonathan in itself, even as he still had all the accompanying trauma. Laura's (official/public) validation isn't possible until after the villains are defeated and everything is over, which in a sense stretches out that middle period. Similarly, Jonathan getting the information leads right into him getting a change to assuage his feelings of guilt and seek revenge, which could be cathartic for him. Laura probably wouldn't have the same opportunities or even desire to do so, and so maybe looping her in wouldn't have been as helpful. But it feels cruel to me never to give her the option. After a certain point, it's no longer just trying to spare her from distress, but it feels like believing she isn't capable of handling any at all.

I guess that's what feels most gendered to me. Walter, and to an extent Marian too, don't treat Laura like an adult or an equal after her experience. This does happen throughout the book, but it gets so much more egregious after she's rescued from the asylum. Marian talks about women/is kind of treated like an exception to women in general, and Walter is leaving both women out in key moments. So given how women were typically seen as less capable, to me it feels somewhat bound up in that rather than just being about her specifically (I think she handles/is capable of a lot more than she's given credit for). Mina doesn't do really that, she doesn't really bring gender into her treatment of either Jonathan or Lucy in the same way. And while others in Dracula do, it's shown to be more of a mistake.

#dracula daily #dracula daily spoilers #woman in white weekly #anonymous #replies #dracula meta #wiw meta #i'm so mad about the drawings lie okay

[todayisafridaynight]

what makes minedai even sadder is that we never rlly see daigo try to build a bond with anyone else like he did with mine it rlly shows how badly it effected him like yeah he reached out to shinada in y5 but that’s rlly it and he probably would wanna leave him alone after that and not involve him in any yakuza stuff so i don’t think they would’ve hung out or anything like that afterwards. All he rlly had were saejima and majima but they were more like babysitters than anything, wish we saw more of their dynamic tho like we did with majima and daigo in dead souls since that was fun and we were lowkey robbed but in canon he’s just as lonely as he was before majimas promise to kiryu. And mine is the only person he really had a meaningful relationship with romantic or not they were still really close and we don’t see that again with daigo ever (from what i recall after y3) ok sorry for rambling LMFAO

even with shinada, he reached out to him more so out of 'duty' and trying to make up for the misfortune that befell him because of yakuza than wanting to rekindle any kind of friendship they might have had in high school (though it sounds more like they were just acquaintances if shinada needing a second to remember who daigo was is anything), so yah i doubt they really had any kind of bond afterwards

dead souls really was the only time after Y3 where we got to see daigo be more sociable with someone, but its as you say majima and saejima are more like retainers than close friends

#snap chats #you can tell i was into fire emblem when the first term that comes to my mind to call majima and saejima was 'retainers' omfg #but yeah ..... depressing .... #does make me wonder who daigo was on the phone with during the rggo story though. like clearly daigo has friends #apparently. we just never see or hear of them. tho ig it is implied those were his friends from the y2 era. as mine said flarkjla #REGARDLESS yeah after y3 daigo just feels depressing to watch #i think its just because he really has to do everything on his own now #but not even have a friend to just chill with at the end of the day- like the technical work is whatever. for the most part #THATS stressful obvi so to not have anyone to really be personable with thats probably the dire part. imo. #cause yk the world could suck but as long as you have that One Person to just relax with then its ok but with mine gone. 🧍‍♂️ #probably doesnt help that like. during the 'flashback' segment of y3 where we get to see daigo sitting with kiryu and nakahara #we see him all cheery and bein a lil jokester and just. A Happy Dude #granted this is barely a year or two into being chairman so The Horrors Havent Set In relatively but still ... i miss his smile .. #every time i think of daigo post-mine i think of those like. tragedies or accounts of people where its like #'after X's friend/lover died they never found another again' like thats the vibe i always get #he really packed it up and never got close with anyone else again and it makes me want to throw up #y4 widow arc still good tho it makes me chortle

[boxwinebaddie]

Does parental trauma run in the CD family

hoooooooooooooooooooo you know it baby! ;)

ok before i begin the cd boys are just #traumabonded from being in CD together...its not as fun or cool as it looks i swear...ill just say that. those four boys...my sons...everything and more for them...angels <3

but in the Parental Traumalypics

ravenstan wins for...Obvious Reasons.

somebody call 9-1-1 shawty fire burnin on the dancefloor ooOhwoOahooh

like when i tell you that man endured Horrors and he is my baby my baby my BABY!!! i would fight dirty 4 all the ncu styles and their loved ones...but ravenstan...i would to jail for life its what he DESERVES!!! when we finally get a raven pov flashback???? HAPPY MENTAL ILLNESS DAY EVERYONE! not a dry eye in this house! WHEW!

kyle is probably second but he is not cd but thats okay because KENNY????? IN RM?????? WHOOOOOO!!! ALSO HELL!!!!!!! THEY HAVE ALSO LIVED THRU SOME SHIT!!! AND NEVER DIE!!! SO THEY JUST KEEP LIVING THROUGH IT!!!! but no kennys relationship with their parents and like specifically darling karen is dramatic and traumatic there is a lot going on there but we gotta get to it

so i will be honest i did not flesh out the other cd boys...home lives as much as i wanted to because i was so focused on stan and kyle and getting those right...so coming soon! xx

jimmy from what i am meagerly piecing together had an OK upbringing and parents that "looked after him" but i think found his disability shameful and secretly kind of felt burdened by having a child who needed so much medical care? like emotionally and financially?

i think they probably saw him more as a way to get sympathy, sort of treated him like an object/joke sometimes...and the saddest people are often the funniest so i think he sort of ran with "well if everyones laughing with you, theyre not laughing at you" :( jimmy my beloved im so...but i would say there's trauma there. FS!!!!

can't say too much abt the cd guitarist ( i also am still working on him shhhh ) but he had at least one positive guardian/parental figure. also felt like he had a lot to prove, so a lot of...pressure. but i love him sm

as for the blondies gayng....KYLE???? JERSEY KYLE???????? for the fucking gaslighting that was done to him THE LITERAL LIGHTING UP OF HIS BEST FRIEND SUPPOSEDLY??? KYLE NEEDS FINANCIAL COMPENSATION UPWARDS ONE MILLION DOLLARS FOR THE PSYCHOLOGICAL TORTURE HE ENDURED JFC!!!!

also like sheila i love you sheils but she is so crazy like she is neurotic she loves kyle and kyle loves her but she definitely made kyle anxious about everything like even before stan died sheila set him up to fail...and UH GERALD ACTUALLY SET KYLE UP TO FAIL BECAUSE HE GAVE HIM UNREASONABLE STANDARDS AND NEGLECTED AND LOOKED DOWN ON HIM FOR NOT MEETING THEM AAAA gerald was openly cruel to kyle....gerald please FUCKING die! thx!

randy x gerald x burning in hell forever <3

uhhhh bebe...bebes parents love her and think shes perfect but they....do not know shes camming or that she likes women...so thats gonna be...very interesting for her...she is also still in the works 4 me

as we know stephen and linda stotch DIE FOREVER marj literally does not have parents right now because they actually disowned her like now shes rich bc of cd ( they saved her life ) but before that all of the blondies house was working 74937493 as many shifts to cover marjs rent because they love her and her parents cut her off ily marj

dont...ask me abt creek....im sorry...u know im still gathering data

but? uh clearly tweeks home life was BAD clearly he is recovering from being secretly fed METH??????? HELLO BITCH????

and i actually think that growing up craig was on serious outs with his parents ( was it the autism?? ) but now hes actually very close with them. also, awawawww, they basically adopted tweek and call him son and everything <333 im crying tricia also loves tweek...so actually craigs trauma is mild i think...wow...amazing...nature is healing

....but he is on Stripe number....709327493274 tho...like he just replaces them and theyre always stripe...im crying...are u okay baby

but to answer your question...yes...yes it does.

ITS ALWAYS DARKEST BEFORE CRIMSON DAWN, LITERALLY BECAUSE THEIR EXISTENCES WERE BLEAK! <3 SLAY OLAY

-uncle nina, ceo of traumatizing sp characters

#sorry if this is unreadable i did my best #i am still working on a lot of the backstories #BUT ITS BC RM HAS SO MANY SIDE CHARACTERS #AND ITS HARD TO FOCUS ON THEM BC RAVENSTAN AND JERSEY KYLE NEED MY FULL ATTENTION #but dawg...raven...every part of his life...he can joke abt kwording himself all he wants he fucking earned it he did his dues #like he deserves peace and if he wants to have a raeger bomb wear his silly outfits and call kyle spanish pet names to relax he can do that #he has my permission for the horrors hes seen #kyle also can do whatever he wants bc he is in a prison of the mind and thinks hes clinically insane when hes actually the sanest person #like he is SOOOO CASSANDRA CODED like no one will listen to him everyone thinks hes a basketcase but hes RIGHt #ok kennys backstory is really interesting i cant really talk abt it but i can say its fucking sad and i cry buckets of blood for them #ok jimmys also made me sad i luv him i never thought abt it wow #NOT THOMAS AND LAURA ADOPTING TWEEK NOT CRAIG ADOPTING A NEW STRIPE EVERYTIME ONE DIES #THAT MADE ME LAUGH IM SORRY HE WONT TELL U ONE DIED EITHER U JUST SEE ONE LOOK SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT KSHLSD

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#just an observation bc im avoiding working on stuff but i draw a lot and post basically everything i draw thst gets finished #and its v funny to me how u can tell how out of focus i was based on the quality of the drawing #or like when i post something and its like ok some of that was good but u def gave up halfway thru one of those lol #inconsistency i funny like that. its also funny to me that now a days i get comments like COLORS!!! #which is funny bc i notoriously haaaaaate coloring. like i will sit around whining and complaining when im home with my parents bc i dont #wanna color. its just so easy to fuck things up when u draw traditionally and it takes a million years so its a big ask lol #but i guess i dont hate is so much right now bc i kinda just slap whatever colors i want together like fuck it we ball #and thats kinda fun. reckless i suppose #its agony when u wanna try to do shadows and lights tho. like finding references ugh #or wanting to draw big ideas but then its like oh god its gonna take so long and if i dont do it all in one sitting i might die #im a lil better abt thst now bc it would b impossible but in my head i still hate it #ugh. all i wanna do is draw. theres another universe where i went to art school. or just like took art classes. and i wanna say id b happier #but thats def a lie XD i like learning too much and i dont have the attention span to hardcore learn genetics outside an academic #environment. and i got way too excited abt exploring the genetic traits of my cyano species #like i can make genetics trees for traits and look for. fuck. i forgot the word. how tf did i forget the word. oh god. horizontal gene #transfer. jesus christ its like theres a hole in my brain. well. i guess i did get only like 4hrs sleep. ugh im rambling. #i need to finish getting ready for Monday so i dont have to tomorrow and ill have time to draw. prob wont stop me feeling nauseous abt #teaching tho. OH FUCK. i just remembered i have a new office space now to decorate. fuck i need to hang up pictures and stuff #what would b the funniest way to put narut0 on my deskspace? idk ill have to think abt it. oh god im not ready #my head is like a handbell. one of the big ones when u ring it and it hits soft and u can feel the vibrations. someones wrung my head lol #unrelated

[ashorterurl]

.

#holy shit i hate the fb groups so much #like do NOT tell people dont speculate as if its something bad #we're left with nothing but speculation #you wake up one day and they tell you good morning btw this person is gone anyway bye #and youre just supposed to say ah ok i see thay sucks #?? #obviously the friends and family sre a priority and its way too early to tell the fans anything #but i hava the right to wonder why and how and like. why #it's a natural response to seek closure #and you have a bunch of people who are like oooohhh you can't speculate thats baaaad if friends and family want to share at some point they #will #like shut up dude #i dont claim we have a right to know about what happened because we really dont and this is truly up to the people close to him #and in the end if they want they can also lie #but we do have the right to wonder why something like this happened so suddenly wnd out of nowhere #ranting because i hate it when people tell you it's unethical to ask questions about something even if its just thinking out loud #as an emotional response #like how the fuck do you guys think I'll process this #with this dry and vague announcement #if it works for you great but for me it doesnt really #i know because its been 3h now and im still waiting for them to maybe say something more about it #logically its not going to happen so soon but still

[pezpenser205]

if i had a nickel for every time i got an anon criticizing me where i responded willing to believe them, being curious and wanting more resources or details so i can learn, but they go dead silent and never say anything else about it id have 2 nickels which isnt a lot but its really annoying and makes me sad that its happened twice.

#''x is bad'' #ok i wanna believe you but can you give me something to read or explain this to me bc just you saying things isnt something i wanna form- #a strong opinion around. #*silence* #ok! why!!!!! #i feel like if youre coming to someone with information especially an autistic someone then you should be ready to explain what you mean- #-and how you got to that conclusion. like someone saying ''x is a dogwhistle'' or ''x is bad'' doesnt tell me anything. i dont know any- #-more than i did when we first started talking. i just know that this person thinks these things and thats not enough. as an autistic- #-person whos been duped countless times into agreeing with stuff or saying and doing things in conversation that i didnt actually agree- #-with im not just gonna believe everyone. youre on anon and i dont know you. how am i supposed to know i can trust you. i cant. and i want- #-to. thats why im asking for information. i want to know things and i want to get things right but saying 'youre doing x wrong' without- #-telling me exactly why its wrong is a fucking nightmare man. i need to know in excruciating detail in order to change how i think. #its not that i dont ever want to change how i think i just cant trust people and want to know that the information im taking in is accurate #and i want to understand it fully. i cant just know one facet of something. #i dont just see the overarching idea. i see the smaller bits that make up those ideas. if you dont give me history or backstory to work with #i wont see the full idea. despite wanting to. #bleh. #im tired #op

[famewolf]

if im being honest and allowing myself to vent a bit about it ... another red flag was when the DM went 'wow i love the detail of your backstory but idk what i can do with it tho ):'

#[static] #it immediately made me feel bad for trying to make a character work with the aesthetic she had given us tbh #i could already tell she didnt seem to be super character story driven so i just made a pretty simple drifter-type #for a post-apocalyptic setting n such and made a group that tied into the whole over-arching premise #i also literally just did bullet points cuz i could tell she wasn't gonna want to read one of the backstories i usually do #and as someone who has mostly dm'd in the past i did my v best to make a character that was super easy for the dm to incorporate in any way #like a solid reason for being there a reason for wanting to adventure with strangers a reason for seeing the mission through no matter what #made a whole small faction and connected them to the overarching theme and plot in multiple ways #wrote down lore and npcs she could use for the faction if she didnt want to make up her own #like all the works and all i got was two sentences back about it ... one of them being like 'cool but i dont like the extra details' #aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh #ok im done yelling now i just need to vent for a second #i feel bad for feeling kinda bummed about the experience because this is the first time i got to play at a physical table in years #and i know how hard it is to DM #but also when you come to the table with zero notes for the first session its ... probably gonna be disappointing jkfghdf #i DID have fun however because the party banter was hilarious and it was fun getting to hang out with ppl! #but communication between DM and players was not great #also let me be clear she did like that i made so many connections and hooks into the story and it helped her a lot #she was NOT interested in my character's past like ... jobs or npcs #but also u could just Not say anything about it and just be like 'sweet cool thanks for the info' LMAo

[sk3l3t0n444]

i feel like everybody hates me, but especially those who i look up to...i feel like a little kid again...looking up to those who only look down upon me, instead of picking me up and embracing me.

#i just feel like nobody fucking likes me...like everybody secretly hates me and are actively trying to make me feel bad about myself #like i know that probably isnt true...but its the only thing that make sense #like no matter what i do everybody seems to leave me alone in my own little bubble... #everybody has their little groups with their little friends...but i dont...im the one who is a small member of multiple groups... #and that gets me left in the fucking dust #i just want to belong somewhere...i change and adapt to hopefully become a part of some group but it never works #i just want someone to hold me and tell me itll be ok...and that people dont actually hate me... #ykw if you fucking hate me you can tell me anons are on...i just wanna know im not the crazy one here... #im just trying to fit it so much that ive lost myself...who am i and who is what ive become? #i try and be friendly...and hope that i get accepted somewhere but they never really care... #im like the last kitten left in the cardboard box...all the others were cuter and healthier and now nobody wants me #nobody wanted me from the start...and now im all alone #idfk #i would do anything for a hug rn #since january shit has been going downhill...died...moved...gone...and then i had some people who cared and then it all fell apart again... #i just want to belong somewhere ffs...i want to be able to have friends...not just people who tolerate me... #i would rather have one friend that 10 people who tolerate me #idfk...im going to go eat ice cream until i cant feel any emotions anymore... #if i wasnt a pussy i would be stealing my parents alcohol...they already dont like when i eat... #or maybe i shouldnt eat...then maybe someone would love me...idfk...i just want to feel loved and secure and like i fucking belong

[ouroboobos]

What is it about middle/upper class older women and the urge to go "erm 😳😧 you guys better get over here" and act like Jason Vorhees is en route every time a homeless person so much as enters their peripheral vision. Like ik everyone is horrible to homeless people but its such a specific pattern of behavior I've almost exclusively seen in 50+ y/o white women. They start acting like they're in a fucking movie and its literally just a guy with scraggly hair walking into a store

#♥︎ #one of my least favorite things abt my workplace. theyre almost all like this #ok i guess its not quite the same thing because my job is very low paying and everyone is poor lol #so its not like working class women arent also guilty of this. but ive noticed it especially with the upper class #but anyway like? these women i work with will go on the radio and literallt be like ''ermmmm guys a suspicious character just walked in... #...we probably want to keep an eye out...... yeah somethings definitely up with this guy..'' and hes just walking around. like come on #and management encourages it!!!! #theyll start clandestinely following them around like they think theyre in a fucking action movie #or sometimes tell them to leave for no reason #and when the persons like 'why' they start being like Sir 🤚🤚........ do not get hostile with me.... or I will contact the authorities.. #like is this real life. it feels like im in a cartoon

[martinskiseyes]

.

#i really want to start being kinder to myself like i intentionally try to but #its so hard when there is so much rage towards my actions and i've come to the point that i do not see myself getting better long term bc #each time one thing turns out good it doesnt lead to any visible improvement and im back to square one #but still im telling myself 'despite all that despite everything and anything you have to be more understanding towards yourself' #because fr if being hard on myself had any potential to work out it would have worked out by now #another month is passing me by and i cant catch the days #i have to try to be more present. lets start from here and i have to not look at ppl my age and their life pace. i just have to be #here and now and believe i am doing ok #literally i will have to keep this mr groff's note xfhxj that went like i am here i am good and am learning to be a better person #blah blah to delete later #or not #mine

[celestial-sapphicss]

.

#so i just finished s1ep2 of the bear (i don't really get it so far but ok) #and there's this scene where the main character calls up his sister and tells her about the mental shit that has been happening with him uk #and like even though this feeling is always there but lile i can't help but feel like my life would have been so much better with a sibling? #like one id have good relationships with uk??? #and ik ik found family and forming meaningful relationships outside is an option but like in this capitalistic individualist society? is it? #anyways that's not the point it's that there's always stuff no body in the world would get except people who grow up with you innit? #be it school or hometowns or families and it would have been nice to have someone help me not feel this complete overwhelmness all the time #and without me feeling like im exaggerating or thinking that the person would judge me or having to keep telling everything repeatedly #but then i think would that even matter when I am the one who's the problem and like can't work to form that connection with anyone????? #like i for the life of me cannot share anything beyond the surface level or without making a joke out of it #and it seems funny but i trivialise so much of the fucking shit that happens so obviously no one takes it seriously not their fault right? #and like how fair to my friends that i literally almost always been superficial and lowkey untrue with them in exchange for their honesty??? #at this point i feel like i don't even know what i truly feel or truly am because whenever i look back at my past self im like wtf #idk most of the times it just feels like being 'stuck' in a glass container and me not 'letting' anyone in if that makes sense? #ik im being very annoying about it but im just so tierd of feeling like this its been a decade & its way too long to constantly feeling dead #and im so fucking stubborn in my sadness that i won't even go get help after years of crying about wanting it & now finally having resources #it's like this mental block which i can't seem to remove and i feel like even if i do get help ill still be untrue so what's the point!??? #yeahhhhh anyways i'll delete this later i don't journal so tumblr will have to make do #vi.txt

[stupidnaturals]

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#GAH hate not knowing how ppl feel about me #bc i used to be SUPER close friends w this person like they were ~25% of th reason i came back to my uni town after moving away last summer #and i keep texting them like ' hey we should meet up sometime! ' and they respond ' omg YES 100% i have SO much i need to catch you up on ! #unfortunately i am out of town every single day. also so busy. ' #and like yeah okay college very busy life very crazy. but how are you out of town every single day and also why have you NEVER reached out #and i saw them in person at target and they seemed genuinely pleased to see me! and also said something like #' we gotta hang out i have so much to tell you!! *ill* message *you* ' in a way that seemed to convey guilt at ^^ all that #but then how in the WORLD do you happen to be driving out of town immediately after the one event i know we'll both be going to??? #and also casually gracing over the fact i also mentioned getting dinner beforehand?? #also i dont know any reason they wouldnt like me unless its one of those ' im autistic and didnt notice you getting fed up w me ' #or if theyre just actually that busy or too anxious to see people or anxious to reach out or fucking whatever #and like even when i saw them at target they told me a bunch of stuff that i dont tthink youd say to a random acquaintance #which if they do still like me makes sense! bc we were super duper close once! but doesnt make sense if they dislike me/want me to go away #like UGH just either ask me to hang out or say yes to a hang out or tell me to fuck off already!!!! #oh and ALSO the one time we DID have plans we didnt set an exact time but they texted me at like 11 and said ok we can hang out now until 2 #or they texted me at 11 and said ' i work at 2 but i dont think thats gonna be a problem also are you okay w hanging w my roomies too ' #and i know their roomies so thats fine but i was like ??? WHAT shouldnt be an issue? r you gonna call off to hang out for more than 3 hrs? #or are you gonna friend break up w me so it wont take 3 hours #anyway i was like uhhh shit we didnt set a time so im actually at a tattoo place like an hour away w my roomie? #so we rescheduled for the next day when uh oh they hung out w someone who was exposed to covid so had to cancel again! #i cant think of a single reason they wouldnt like me except that they never did but we had an activity together so they were stuck w me #and they seemed genuinely happy to see me and also seem upset declining plans but like if thats true what the FUCK is happening???? #anyway this was a mile long if you e read this far i love u if you have tips feel free to reply or dm me

[cruelsister-moved2]

and I still think u guys r too mean to ppl who are vegetarian or vegan for soft personal reasons like there are a lot of very practical arguments for reducing the amount of animal products in your diet but also theres this expectation to prove ur one of the good ones or whatever and sorryyyy but idgaf if someone doesn't eat meat bc the thought of an animal being killed makes them cry idc if its bc they believe animals have souls too and shouldn't be harmed like what do u want them to do. should they choke down a steak anyway so u feel better abt it? like I don't understand this need for people to morally justify their diets to u when it comes to not eating meat and some people seriously just go full circle to sounding exactly like a gammon whos mad abt snowflakes I wont lie

#for me if I was going purely environmentally then I would just not eat v much meat #when i talk to anyone else I just say we should all be reducing the meat in our diets and like being more thoughtful about where it comes #from and what went into producing it etc #that's all I want anyone else to do #but I also have the right to make the personal decision that i just dont want to eat pieces of a dead animal #and i dont PERSONALLY for me want to be part of the slaughter of animals esp factory farmed ones #and like ive lived rurally my whole life and worked on farms its not some squeamish ignorance moment #and it's just insane like that's my right to feel that way wtf #ive encountered way more belligerent meat eaters like demanding that I argue the case of why everyone on earth should be vegetarian #unprompted. than i have annoying vegans telling everyone to be vegan #like not that the latter dont exist but they are honestly such an exaggerated minority #OK rant over

[cutemeat]

i rlly truly hate feeling so useless. i just. am. but i dont want to accept it.

#i need to. i mean look. dennis couldnt accept it n it made him miserable #i hav no energy even 4 sunny this is. bad jknfdkjgntr #i am having . a rough week #i keep overcompensating n trying to sound smart cuz i know im not. i could not graduate from public HS. i know im not smart. #i could never get into college. would not even pass a class. i just. am not. smart. but i wish i was. i try to sound like a smart person. #but its all cuz i know im not #i cannot. do anything. but ppl look at me n they say 'ok u are capable :)' n then i still cannot do much. but i LOOK like i can. #it doesnt matter how many times i prove im a failure. they still say well u just are not trying hard enough. keep going. #but its never enough. n i dont know how to be enough. idk what i am good for. #i just dont 'apply myself' . i feel so fucking awful. i hate it i cannot do this shit. but i have to. i am so tired i want to go home. #how do u apply yrself when there is nothing to apply #but theres not anything wrong with me. so its just me. n i cant . i . feel like a robot every day. nothing in me. nothing. #but ppl look at me n know i must serve some function or purpose right? so just keep going. keep going #i feel Plateau lately #i try to apply myself but it never works. tell me why it never works. tell me why. am i rlly just a lazy piece of shit. i guess so. #n i cant be pleasant abt it when ppl try to help i only make it worse #cuz no one seems to be able to find an explanation otherwise. in 20 yrs if there was one they wouldve found it by now right

[yo9urt]

i never know how good i am at hiding a crush and i’ve always felt like i’m not that good at it and every time i get a new crush it’s always a game of like. how long until someone who isn’t that close to me finds out

#mine #cause obviously my friends know about it pretty quickly #family doesn't count because sometimes i tell them sometimes i don't #but with like. in this case other coworkers i guess but it can be diff groups depending on the context #its like. when will someone find out #i think with this one im doing an ok job at hiding it #i can't really tell obviously but i feel like im capable of acting at least sort of normal around him and disguising it to some extent #but i always panic and overthink and freak out #but also my biggest tell by far is my eyes #when i like someone and they're within view i just want to look at them for as long as i possibly can #i am VERY visual #and when someone i like is nearby i DO just look at them like even if its just peripheral i'm always following them visually #when i clocked out of work i went downstairs to buy some stuff at the little convenience store thing on the fisrt floor #then when i went back up so i could leave out the back door of my job i saw cute coworker in his usual place #and after chatting a little with the coworker who was at the door i turned my gay little eyes to you know who #and watched him for like a large amount of the time that i spent walking away #mainly because i knew only like one other coworker could see me doing it because only one other coworker could see where i was looking #and it was some girl ive never met and everyone else was occupied so i was like ok im just going to stare at him gayly wihle i leave #but if anyone ever decides to watch where my eyes go when he's in the room they could easily guess what's going on #god i want him

[magnoliamyrrh]

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#i really fucking hate how hard i was dissociating in class #and it happened before too when i wasnt on these meds yet #i wasn't even high. #i rly hate having to acknowledge that im like this. over and over again. that this is a reality #. and i hate having to acknowledge that im disabled in public #like im in pain in public. or occasionally limping. or needing to sit down. or looking half dead. or god worst of all being visibility #mentally ill that one makes me wanna dig myself into the dirt and never come out #i hate that im not all there. that i cant be no matter how hard i try. and then im in the middle of fucking class like #who am i? #im so used to it but its still so much to put up with all the goddd damn time and all the time having to pretend that im ok or sane or #remotely funcitoning and not lowkey having a flashback in the middle of fucking class for unknown reasons. while this brain works overtime #to mask it take it to the inner and shove someone else in the front #......... god this is why ive actually kinda enjoyed my self imposed period of solitude #and even so when my parents are sround i still have to do thst almost 24/7 #like i just wanna be insane in peace fjkdd left in my own soup as we say in romanian.... it takes too much effort to mask with strangers #... idk it makes it hard too when i meet people in person sometimes? because the moment the conversation gets past casual its like... #i want to answer your questions. i do not want to lie. but i also dont particularly want to tell the truth... tho i am not fond of telling #half truths either #... this is why over the years ive prefered 2 places to meet people 1)tumblr 2)psych ward lmaoo but fr. its the same vibe #because in a ward people are at their realest. no bullshit. all vulnerability. some of the realest most genuine impactful connections ive #made w ppl have been in wards.... and. tumblr is the one place outside or wards lmao. or my own brain. where im..... where i dont mask #where i dont put an effort to mask #... so when ppl start talking to me on here (even tho im at times bad at replying sorry idk why its so hard for me i need to work on it) #its like. well. you already have likely known for months or years that im fucking insane so 🤷‍♀️ #.......... i didnt used to be this anxious. and to be honest im not quite sure i seem anxious either because i have been told too often i #seem confident? charasmatic? self assured? bitch fucking where i feel like slippery cold noodles inside from anxiety #.... its partially that im not used to being around so many ppl anymore. its partially the more severe trust issues ive developed again as #of late... but at the same time probability my general fedupness thsts been brewing for 12 years with a lotta the culture here isnt helping #either... but... I also think ive just.... ive become incredibly incredibly frustrated with my mental and physical illnesses lately.. very #and their(my) limitations which i hate acknowledging. and all this fucking shame i got too over it. when i accepted it myself i did no care