#but the last time i got an interview i ended up canceling bc my anxiety spiked rly fucking badly to the point i was crying

[hoshiyoshis]

hhh

#daisy.txt #being hit w tht ‘u dont rly belong anywhere’ feeling again #both irl and online tbh like #irl im too anxious to get a job and idk what to do abt tht. my anxiety hasnt been this bad in years #but the last time i got an interview i ended up canceling bc my anxiety spiked rly fucking badly to the point i was crying #and tht was before i ever graduated #snd idk online im terrified of crossing a line by accident n making ppl hate me #and even then one part of my brain is like ppl are just tolerating u idk what u expect #just this stupid feeling of being left out and tht no one likes me and tht im just wasting all my time #even when i think its not true #ive just always been /too much/ or /not enough/ for ppl and i dont know where tht healthy middle is…. #it doesnt rly help tht ppl just. disappear out of my life w/o warning sometimes #thats the part tht hurts the most yknow? and im a dumb bitch whos like ok GOOD then GO #and idk i can trace tht back to ex bestie dumping me entirely bc he got a bf #and me trying to give him space to navigate tht relationship only for him to just… never come back #ifs just a shitty situation and i feel so lost now

[museum-spaces]

Oh nerds, I have had a week of a week. Frist off; house keeping. I got the job in Vancouver and my last day at Camel Town was yesterday. I start in Van in 7 days.

Now for my week of weeks,

While still interviewing find the Perfect Place to live. A 2 bedroom condo in my price range available in time for my start date. Stop looking for other places.

Get job offer, tell new landlord to move forward, get emails from his rental company, look up rental company and see it is a real one that exists.

Make plans with Sister to transport Ianto and I to Vancouver. Sister's partner takes a day off work to help.

Send deposit of 3400CAD to rental company [deposit consists of 1 month rent 1700, and two damage deposits - one for Ianto -totalling 1700]. Normal and legal in Canada. Most places just ask for one of the deposits but not illegal.

Do all that by Friday [9th]

Walking Ianto at 6;30am on Monday 12th - 4 days before planned move in date - and get email from rental company asking for another deposit of 3400 as 'insurance' because they have been 'having issues with transactions from Canada and the United States'. Will not send keys and paperwork before getting the additional funds.

Think for a minute and reply something like 'Landlord and I agreed on 3400, which you have just confirmed you received. Please send the keys etc asap.'

Alarmingly quickly Landlord [not company] emails me to say company got in touch with him and this is their policy. He will give me 20 per cent off rent for first 6 months if I just send the money. [This is the first red flag I actually notice]. I replythat I am moving in 4 days and if the transaction takes as long as the first one, I won't have anywhere to live but be out a fuckton of money.

Calll my parents. It's 6;30 in BC but they are visiting Ontario where its 9;30. Not worried about waking them. Mum immediately offers to transfer the money for me because part of the issue is that I have to move money around to get that much which takes up to 48 hours. I cut her off and say 'I feels scammy' which dad agrees with.

Dad is a retired real estate agent, gets in contact with folk in BC a few hours later while I go to work and freak out [had already packed my anxiety meds... not fun]. Turns out 'Landlord' doesn't have title for the condo.

Also Rental Company email is very obvious fake. I googled the company but didn't check the email. Like a fool.

Tell 'landlord' that I cannot move that amount of money in the time allotted and would like my deposit back please [didn't expect to get it back but... its the presidency.]

Looked for another rental. Found one that wasn't dog friendly. Ianto is a service dog but is not yet certified to BC standards. Thought I'd give it a shot anyway. Called and was very frank; just got scammed, moving at end of week for work, have a dog. She gave me a short list of other rentals she knew accept dogs because she could not allow Ianto before his test.

Contacted a few, Ianto was too big for a few, filled out an application to one, and got a virtual tour set up for the other [this takes us to Tuesday].

Tuesday email my contact at job in Vancouver to let her know that I might not be able to start on the 22nd because no home. She [witn permission] then contacts my board to let them know. One has a line on an apartment.

Discover my mattress is very mouldy.

Application denied with no option to contest, virtual tour cancelled because property manager got sick and couldn't reschedule until this coming Monday.

Call my bank about the scam. They start an investigation which will take about 10 days and cancel my debit card because... I don't know. [bringing us to the end of Wednesday]

Application to board member's suggestion accepted. Need to pay the down payment which is just one of the damage deposits. They take in-person payments or money orders. Because my card is currently... gone. I cannot do online or app banking. Would have to do in-person or phone. Nearest branch to me is 2 hours away by car and I don't drive. Try calling. It takes over an hour to discover that because of the investigation I cannot get a money order done via the phone. Because that would be too easy.

Call my parents - they were busy - texted my brother. Asking both if they could help. Brother puts me in contact with his partner who would have their car tomorrow at the same time my parents offer to do a money order for me. Get the address etc from new rental company [legit]. Send confirmation.

Move in date is [probably] Saturday.

So, a very week of a week if I do say so myself and it's not over yet. I need to finish packing still [wall art, blankets, the last of Ianto's stuff and odds-and-ends]. Still need to get there. Chance the Money Order won't get there in time - as it has to go from Ontario to BC and tomorrow is Friday. but... Better position by miles than on Monday.

There is a small chance my bank can get my money back but.... Unlikely and it was a painful lot of money to say the least.

#not museums #moving #scam #fraud #actually autistic #this is the first time that I really felt #gullible #I hate every second of it

[hitaka5ever]

I have a scheduled doctor's appointment Wednesday for a follow up of my new medication and for having my gallbladder removal surgery a month ago

I'll be finding out if my anxiety and depression is bad enough to be put on temporary disability so I can make money while I'm getting mental health help

I feel like my brain has been a lot worse since I was forced to go back to doing shit I hated when working at Walmart when the overnight shipping job was cancelled. I had worked my ass off to be quick and efficient just to find out I was never going to get the morning position no matter what I fucking did, so I had wasted all my time for nothing

I had changed my hours when I returned to the grocery pick up and delivery job so I didn't have to do closing shift and I had hoped that would help me not be miserable af at a job I hated. But I was still angry for basically having the shipping job stolen from me and having to pick groceries, so I got sick easier and was constantly missing work and feeling fucking awful until I was terminated due to walmart's bullshit attendance policy

Cue this weekend when I got a call back for that job interview I cancelled bc I suppose my brain had been traumatized from working retail that I never even wanted to go back to, so it made me severely anxious at the thought of going back to that same environment (even though I was going to be stocking shelves instead)

All of my problems from the last 16 years, I strongly believe, was from not staying on anti-depressants when I was originally diagnosed with depression in high school and bc of the car accident I was in with my parents that caused me to have major PTSD. I think my life would've been a lot different than it ended up being had I continued my treatment all the way back then. I probably wouldn't have such bad anxiety today had I realized I still wasn't okay (I went several years without going to my doctor. I have only been on medication since January 2018)

My brain has been hurt for so long and severely traumatized to the point of shutting down at even the thought of working out in the real world. For 2 days I dreaded going to that interview bc even just the idea of working retail again puts me in a tizzy. I feel like it's quite clear that I can't function like a regular human being in normal society, so I need to figure out what is really going on inside my head bc something is terribly wrong here

#I might not even have depression #my doctor thinks maybe I'm bipolar bc of my memory loss issues #I have to get diagnosed from a psychiatrist to find out what's really going on #I also think I have ADHD on the hyperfocus side of the spectrum #which has started to become more obvious lately bc I completely ignore everything around me #when I focus on one thing #(for example/ when someone is talking to me I completely blank them out) #I just have a lot to think about when it comes to my bad mental health #and find out exactly what's wrong with me #I'm trying to hold on to something that I don't even know is there #I'm just so tired and want to stay shut down until I'm not tired anymore #I have got to do something and do it fast before I'm buried

[hannahchuu]

I was tagged by @makeitpoppy 💕😍

Are you staying at home from work/school?

So, I haven't been to work since beginning of March but I have to go back there next week (for now it's just a meeting bc I'm working in a hotel & my schedule depends on the amount of guests we have). I've been really happy about that tho bc I still get paid & just before the pandemic happend, I got really overwhelmed by my work & started to hate it a lot. I also had some issues with a colleague & I dread having to see her again. I had really wished that I wouldn't have to go back there anytime soon.

University has also been cancelled after only one regular week & I only have online classes now. Tbf tho, I would've only had one class overall this semester bc I'm in my last semester of university & only my master's thesis is left. My only class is a Japanese conversation class, which is online now & I'm really struggling with the format lol. It's so odd to have to talk to people when you can't see them & half the time you also can't hear them properly.

As for my master's thesis...at first I was fine with quarantine & uni being cancelled bc I thought it'd give me time to focus on my thesis but unexpectedly libraries also closed for two months & I wasn't able to get any books until beginning of May. So I basically didn't do anything at home ahaha.

If you’re at home, who is there with you?

No one. My mum used to be there occasionally but she has since gone to her boyfriend's house and rarely ever comes. (Which is totally fine btw. She really stresses me out lol)

Do you have pets to keep you company?

No 💔

Who do you miss the most?

I have social anxiety so I'm actually quite happy about not having to see anyone. I also feel like I talk (via phone) to my friends & family way more often now. I do however, miss certain activities like going shopping with my friends. Oh & hugs! I also miss my sister & her girlfriend bc it's always fun being around them. And I miss the people in my Japanese class. Online classes really take away the social aspects of it (Like talking with people before & after).

When was the last time you left your home?

Yesterday! I went to the supermarket bc my fridge was v v empty. The last time I left to go somewhere else was last Thursday when I went to the library.

What was the last thing you bought?

The last thing I bought in person was food. Last online purchase were face masks (as in sheet masks) ahaha.

Is quarantine driving you insane or are you finally relaxed?

I'm sort of relaxed? Like more relaxed than usual I think. I'm a bit stressed out about my future bc I'm right at the end of my university education & I actually planned to finish my thesis & get a full-time job by the end of the year but I'm not sure whether there will still be jobs or job interviews ahahah. My thesis also stresses me out a bit. But I think all of this would've also stressed me out w/o quarantine so overall I'm relaxed. I'm getting stressed out by the prospect of going back to work tho.

Are you a homebody?

Yessssss

What movies have you watched recently?

So I was planning on watching tons of films during quarantine but I haven't watched any so far ahahah

I mainly watch anime & YouTube

An event you were looking forward to that got cancelled?

Two anime conventions I've been going to religiously with my friends T_T

What’s the worst thing you’ve had to cancel?

My Japan trip. It would've been my very first trip to Japan but a week before we were due to leave Austria issued a travel warning for all countries. Later on all tourists arriving in Japan also had to quarantine themselves for 2 weeks. I was super upset about having to cancel it but also sort of relieved bc I wouldn't have wanted to go there in the middle of a pandemic. I also got all of my money refunded so yay.

What’s the best thing you had to cancel?

Any kind of social interaction and work ahahhahaha

Do you have any new hobbies?

Not really. Before I started working on my thesis, I studied Japanese more frequently but that's about it.

What are you out of?

Skincare! I put off ordering any new items bc I was supposed to go to Japan & I thought I could just buy everything there. Well, now I'm out of toner, essence, a good cleanser and face masks :(( I ended up ordering more at the end of March but my order still hasn't arrived yet (It's stuck at customs T____T)

What music are you listening to?

Mainly German Hip-Hop ahahah

What shows are you watching?

Soooo, I've literally watched 7 anime series so far:

Chobits

Kimagure Orange Road

Yuru Camp (my favourite)

Sabagebu!

Citrus

Fullmetal Alchemist

Asobi Asobase

So yeah, quite productive! I gotta focus on my thesis now tho so I’ve only been sporadically watching Ojamajo Doremi.

What are you reading?

My only goal for this quarantine was to finally read all of the books that have been piling up on my bedside table, which I did yay

I've read The Scarlet Letter, The Sailor Who Fell From Grace with the Sea (I recommend), The Moon over the Mountain, UFO In Her Eyes (I can also recommend) & In Dreams Begin Responsibilities and Other Stories.

I got 3 more books for my birthday (Poems To Fix A Fucked Up World, Japanese Tales of Mystery and Imagination & Roadqueen), which I haven't gotten around to reading yet.

What are you doing for self care?

Taking long baths & reading in the bath tub 💕 I also apply lash serum, a lip mask & body lotion every night.

Are you exercising?

Yes! I actually started exercising everyday in September & I'm still doing it yay

How’s your toilet paper supply?

I still have enough left ahahah I was supposed to be quarantined w my mum but I ended up being by myself & I don’t need a lot.

Have you made any changes to your hair?

Not yet. I've been considering getting bangs & the only thing that (luckily) is stopping me is that one tumblr post that's like you don't need bangs! you need therapy!!!!

I tag @lunarix @swaddle @motherfuckinbuddha @ive-beendreaming​ @kaizoku​ @piggiechi​ @regenbogen-flummi​ @misodelivery​ @vroomkat​ @zyphyyr​ @my-selfish-love @giantoflight @frillypinkdreams @catpacks @cupidie @emograntaire @sugarmickey @bubbleteaboy & everyone else who wants to do this

#text #personal #i'm so bad at tagging ppl lol #i literally just tagged my mutuals

[halfahundredcats]

Quarantine Tag Game

I was tagged by @hazzabeeforlou thank youuuuu!!!

Are you staying home from work/school?

Yes, I work for a public library, and I’ve been home on paid civil leave for the past week. The week before, we were closed to the public but still had to go in. It was a Whole Thing.

Who is at home with you?

My roommate (who is my ex-partner and current bff) and our 3 cats.

Are you a homebody?

Very much so. Big-time introvert with social anxiety. Staying in is not much of a hardship for me lol.

Any event that you were looking forward to that got canceled?

Nothing I’d gotten tickets for yet, but Jazz Fest (New Orleans Jazz & Heritage Festival) has been moved from the end of April to sometime in the Fall, and I had been planning to go to 2 days of that (Lizzo *and* Stevie Nicks, y’all). I have tickets for Louis and Harry in July and August respectively, so wait and see on those, I guess.

What movies have you been watching recently?

Not too many. I watched A Kind of Murder on Netflix the other night, and it was pretty bad. Also watched The Blackcoat’s Daughter recently, that was pretty good, but confusing.

What are you doing for self-care?

Haha. Not much of what I should be. The most important thing is having virtual sessions with my therapist. When I talk to her tomorrow, I’m sure we’ll be setting up a more structured routine for me.

What shows are you watching?

Almost caught up on Chilling Adventures of Sabrina; rewatching Hannibal; just finished the second season of Sex Education last night (So. Many. Feelings.) Keeping up with B99, Superstore, Bob’s Burgers, and Prodigal Son on Hulu. Might fuck around and check out this Tiger King craziness.

What music have you been listening to?

Mostly Fine Line and Heartbreak Weather, but I was listening to my beloved Belle & Sebastian last night. Oh and Harry’s playlist from the Zane Lowe interview, good shit.

What books are you reading?

The Book Scavenger by Jennifer Chambliss Bertman (this is a cute middle-grade book, recommended if you liked The Westing Game or Escape from Mr. Lemoncello’s Library)

The Sun Down Motel by Simone St. James (super-creepy thriller, reminds me of Jennifer McMahon)

Confessions of the Fox by Jordy Rosenberg (historical fiction about a roguish transgender dude in the 1700s—gritty and bawdy, like Sarah Waters, with an interesting meta frame story)

The Last Time I Lied by Riley Sager (sleepaway camp thriller with unsolved disappearances, vaguely reminds me of the story Death By Landscape by Margaret Atwood).

And if you would like a fic rec, Whoever, However by Brooklyn_Babylon is *extremely* hot and well-written HL smut, featuring H’s recent BP photo shoot ensembles.

Imma tag @more-berries @iii-was-stumblin @romcomswithharry bc I know they usually like to do these kinds of things, but anyone who is seeing this, assume I’ve tagged you too 😘

#tag games