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crooked-wasteland · 5 months

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The Anti-Bojack: Anti-Intellectualism and the Death of Substance

In the blog essay “Staging Philosophy: the relationship between philosophy and drama”, Kristen Gjesdal opines on the home of philosophy. Many today would consider philosophy a relic of a bygone era with names such as Keikegaard, Voltaire, and Neitzsche. Many don’t know, however, of the close relationship philosophy has always held with the arts. Gjesdal mentions Ibsen in the article, discussing how many playwrights of the time were avid students of philosophy and how many philosophers regarded the arts highly. Nietzsche spoke of social leaders, specifically the religious leaders of his day in Beyond Good and Evil when he wrote, “Men, not great enough, nor hard enough, to be entitled as artists to take part in fashioning man.” Frankly denouncing the power and influence held by the religious men which he felt was more appropriately left in the hands of artists. In fact, Nietzche considered art the definition of culture and hence why he says that artists are the ones who should be responsible for shaping society and defining what it means to be “man”. As such, the expressions of art, poetry to cinema, is a definition of man and inherently a philosophy.

Bojack Horseman is an openly philosophical series that plays with existentialist schools of thought. Having liked several tweets endorsing the comparison of her work to that of Raphael Bob-Waksberg, Vivienne Medrano demands her work be valued the same way. From being favorably compared to Bojack Horseman to being praised as the “Anti-Bojack”. Which begs to question, what does that even mean? First let’s discuss the Philosophy behind Bojack Horseman, then compare the tweets Medrano liked and her series to that of Bojack directly, and then study the overlapping themes and why Medrano’s style of writing makes her storytelling a mockery to the art.

Existentialism in particular has been the darling of the theater for about the last 150 years, though generally ridiculed by “proper” society. For a philosopher to be labeled a nihilist or existentialist was often a denouncement of their school of thought, often for their general rejection of fundamental social structures like ethics. In 1942, writer Albert Camus published his essay The Myth of Sisyphus, rebranding traditional existentialist concepts as Absurd philosophy.

Camus begins his work poised with the question of suicide and whether life is worth living at all. He argues that life is inherently meaningless, an idea originating with Kierkegaard, but while the latter sided with finding purpose in constitutions like religion, Camus argues that religion itself is a philosophical suicide. In the Routledge encyclopedia of philosophy by Charles Guignon, he writes of the criticisms levied against existential and absurdist philosophies in a society awash in moralist anti-intellectualism. He opens this section by saying, “Existentialism has been criticized from a number of different angles. One line of criticism holds that the emphasis on individual freedom and the rejection of absolutes in existentialism tends to undermine ethics; by suggesting that everyday life is ‘absurd’ and by denying the existence of fixed, binding principles for evaluating our actions, existentialists promote an ‘anything-goes’ view of freedom that exacerbates the nihilism already present in contemporary life.” Which comes from this negative misreading of nihilism.

In their video Nihilism: Are We Missing the Point, youtuber Michael Burns of Wisecrack tells an anecdote of his time in grad school where he paraphrases his professor as saying, “This idea of the constant misreadings of Nietzsche’s writings on Nihilism leads to, his words, angry seventeen-year-old atheists.” Which tends to be the issue when discussing concepts such as nihilism, existentialism and absurdist philosophy. Nietzsche, the credited father of the school of thought, is often taken out of context or his views distorted by society’s sensibilities. For one, the quote given earlier extends further into a condemnation of religion by saying, “Such men, with their "equality before God," have hitherto swayed the destiny of Europe; until at last a dwarfed, almost ludicrous species has been produced, a gregarious animal, something obliging, sickly, mediocre, the European of the present day.” Which many an angry seventeen-year-old and moralist has seen as an endorsement of the might-is-right philosophy that nihilism is credited with.

To a lesser extent, Camus writes in The Myth, “I must say what counts is not the best living, but the most living”. It feels like it should be rather straightforward then, the concept of the thought. More equals better, and Camus practically says as much when he later writes “Why should it be essential to love rarely in order to love much?” However, if one follows the first quote to its natural conclusion, he continues, “The most living; in the broadest sense, that rule means nothing. It calls for definition.” His wording may come off confusing as the essay is translated and the theories involved are dense, but Camus clarifies that “most” could mean the sheer number of experiences or the depth of the experience. He is not saying one or the other is the correct answer, but that both are equally valid ways to live one’s life. The focus, then, is not on directing anyone how they should live, but in the manner they should do so. He says, “It is not up to me to wonder if this is vulgar or revolting, elegant or deplorable … Suppose that living in this way were not honorable, then true propriety would command me to be dishonorable.”

Camus, and even Nietzsche, argue that truth is the only ultimate value. It throws back the moralist dilemma by arguing that living to a code of ethics or values when one is not truly that sort of person is to live reprehensibly. Better is it to live authentically “without appeal” as Camus says, than it is to live the lie of following the rules.

Thomas Polzler from the University of Graz in Austria wrote a 2014 article titled “Absurdism as Self-Help: Resolving an Essential Inconsistency with Camus’s Early Philosophy”. Personally, I fundamentally and adamantly disagree with his assessment that there is any sort of inconsistency in Camus’s writings. Camus’s books of The Stranger, The Plague, and The Fall are not inherently inconsistent, but depict his philosophy in layers.

Like water painting, Camus starts with a thin veneer of color, a loose and almost detached protagonist in Meursault from The Stranger. He is a man aware of the absurd as an individual, the story maintaining the focus of a man living aware his life means nothing and thus seems to have an almost neurodivergent disinterested in the world beyond himself. What he feels in the moment is all that matters, so when he commits murder out of feeling uncomfortable from the heat of the sun and the painful blinding of the light, he is then juxtaposed with the ethical society he exists simultaneously within and outside of. Meursault is held up as a sociopath for not wishing to see his mother’s body the night before her funeral and smoking by her coffin. Because he does not cry at her passing, he is deemed a danger to society. Because he goes on a date to a comedy picture the day after, he is denounced as a menace. None of which has anything to do with the man he killed. The trial highlights the absurdity of ethical society and how the moralists demand the appearance of values over actually having them.

In fact, the trial of Meursault closely resembles that of Bojack and Sarah Lynn. The end of season 3, Bojack and Sarah Lynn go on a cross-country drug-fuelled bender to apologize to people Bojack has hurt in the past, stopping at the Griffith Observatory where Bojack has a profound revelation. He talks about living in the moment and how neither the past or future really matters at all. What you did and your legacy don’t matter if you cannot exist now. It is this moment that he realizes Sarah Lynn is not responding. It isn't until season 6 that it is shown that Bojack waited before calling the police and thus played a hand in Sarah Lynn's death. He is taken to civil court by Sarah Lynn's mother and step-father and made to pay them a fine for his involvement. However, is it really justice when Sarah Lynn's mother exploited her in the business and never once supported Sarah Lynn for what she wanted and what her dreams were, or even just who she was? Can one argue that it is justice when Sarah Lynn was sexually abused by her step-father throughout her childhood? Yes, Bojack does have responsibility in Sarah Lynn's death, but so do her parents. The absurdity of it all being that in no way could there ever be justice for Sarah Lynn.

Brief mental health sidebar. While I have to expressly disagree with Polzler’s reasoning, I do agree with his conclusion. Philosophy and especially Absurd existentialism are powerful tools in the journey to self improvement. It is both the line from Bojack where Diane says "That's the thing. I don't think I believe in 'deep down'. I kind of think all you are is just the things that you do." And Dr. Wong in Rick and Morty when she says, “You seem to alternate between viewing your own mind as an unstoppable force and as an inescapable curse. And I think it is because the only truly unapproachable concept for you is that it's your mind within your control … You are the master of your universe.”

It may be shocking to know that Medrano was not a fan of Dr. Wong, considering the scene all about telling and not showing Rick’s problems. However, this is after two and a half seasons of witnessing Rick’s shortcomings and Dr. Wong is not telling Rick’s problems, but rather identifying the solution. In both the words of Diane and Dr. Wong, who we are, comes down to the choices we make. There is no moral argument being made with either of these comments. Bojack asked Diane to tell him that he’s actually a good person deep down. That he means to be good, that despite his actions he doesn’t want to hurt anyone and that his bad behavior is the fault of his emotionally unavailable and narcissistic parents. So really, he isn’t a bad person. Whereas Dr. Wong calls out Rick’s behavior as a choice because Rick knows he is making these choices.

The difference between Rick and Bojack is the level of personal awareness and responsibility. Rick knows he has the power to change, but simultaneously so miserable but is so afraid of change that he turns himself into a literal pickle and risks his own death over confronting his own choice to stay the way he is. It is easier for him to justify his lack of trying by simply claiming this is just what it means to be as smart as he is. Whereas Bojack feels helpless. Bojack was not set up for success as a child, his success was never validated by his mother and thus he never valued himself, and every time he tries to change he has no internal fortitude to keep from backsliding at the first sign of defeat. Rick knows everything that is making him miserable is himself. Bojack externalizes his misery and thus also externalizes the solution to his problems, which is why he lets himself return to square one whenever things don’t go his way.

Absurdism is the recognition that life is meaningless and thus we have two choices: Live or die. But these concepts are not so straightforward when discussed. To live, in Camus’s philosophy, is to live authentically to oneself. That may sound like Rick’s situation of accepting things as they are, but that is only true in the case of the individual genuinely wanting to be that way. Authenticity is a dichotomy consisting of both how we behave and how we feel. In the case of Rick he lies, cheats, manipulates, and behaves cruelly towards his family. However, it is implied and later revealed that Rick genuinely cares about his family, but is too afraid of experiencing loss to really let them in. So he’s abusive and insulting, keeping his family at an emotional distance that keeps them around, but never too close, making Rick miserable. He really wants his family, so his feelings are at odds with his behavior. So in reality, him claiming “this is just how things are/who I am” is just as weak an excuse and removes agency over oneself as Bojack saying “It’s because my mother was never there for me.”

The actions both Rick and Bojack partake in are what Camus would call a philosophical suicide. Concisely put, to commit a philosophical suicide is to remove one’s sense of agency in their own life. How can one claim to be living when they have no effect on anything including themselves? You would exist in a void no different than a dreamless sleep. Your actions are meaningless, your thoughts are meaningless, your feelings are meaningless because you are a passenger to the act of living. Everything else has power, everyone else can influence you, so you may as well be nothing. Camus includes religion in this section of his philosophy, as living for something other than yourself is the same as not living at all. And this encompasses Ethics.

There is a massive difference between being kind because you are supposed to, and being kind because you want to. This delves further into living inauthentically and how that mere act alone results in misery. Even if one is to behave in a way deemed “right” without making the choice, they will inevitably become resentful. There is no such thing as faking it until you make it. One has to actively choose and change themselves on a fundamental level to find happiness, and that takes work. Just as Dr. Wong says, “It’s just work. And the bottom line is some people are okay going to work and some people, well some people would rather die.”

Which gets to the main point.

Medrano’s liking of a series of tweets calling Blitzo the Anti-Bojack has both infuriated and confused me. I suppose that I should be embarrassed at the latter since it's obvious both Vivienne and her fans lack basic media literacy. It’s actually rather spectacular just how badly they misrepresent the situation of the characters in the narrative. I can only break this down comment by comment.

For one, Bojack’s entire character is that he doesn’t intentionally hurt others. He has his reasons that fundamentally comes from a weak sense of self associated with a child who never had the emotional support he needed growing up. Those aren’t excuses, those are the reasons. Bojack has an unhealed inner child who wants to be a good guy, but he is so caught up in his self-loathing and resentment that he doesn’t do anything about that inner child. Instead he indulges these immature emotions through self medicating with drugs and alcohol, lashing out, promiscuity, and careless spending. These are the symptoms of the problem, the problem does lie in past trauma. The issue is Bojack doesn’t see the solution as himself, but someone or something else. In my post comparing Bojack and Todd’s relationship to Blitz and Moxxie, I pointed out how Bojack and Blitz treat their “closest friends” exactly the same by verbally abusing them and tearing down their abilities. While not always consciously intentional for Bojack, it is to keep Todd feeling codependent on Bojack and thus never leaving him which is abusive and manipulative. For Blitz, the narrative says it's because he is aware of his behaviour and is intentionally pushing Moxxie to be better, which is abusive and manipulative.

My point herein being that these are the same people. There is no Anti-Bojack happening here. If anything, Blitz is more malicious in his abuse seeing as he appears actively aware and intentional in how he mistreats Moxxie. Bojack is abusive towards Todd, but in a way that is a reflection of Bojack. And the series acknowledges how Bojack's inability to be alone actively harms his other relationships. Not just Todd.

In one way, however, Blitz absolutely is the Anti-Bojack. Blitz externalizes the source of his behavior to a character failing on Moxxie's part. And the series reaffirms and justifies Blitz's abuse as okay.

The other misconception of this post is thinking that an explanation is an excuse. Creative Screenwriting did an interview in 2019 with Raphael Bob-Waksberg’s process and philosophy of writing Bojack Horseman, quoting him for the title of the article, “Characters should be understandable in their vulnerabilities.” What Medrano’s fans fail to do, fundamentally, is understand. Their opinions and twitter orations are so barren of understanding that one must ask if they simply choose to ignore what does not serve their narrative or if they really are just incapable of comprehension.

They see Blitz’s mother’s death as a reason for his attitude more than his behavior. His behavior then necessitates that it needs to be excusable. As such, Blitz cannot actually make mistakes. Things happen by chance rather than a deliberate choice on any of the characters’ behalf. The fire in Oops wasn’t a mistake made by Blitz, if it is anyone’s mistake, it is the no-named imp who lit the candle before getting to the room. Blitz didn’t intend to bump the other performer, he just happened to turn at that moment. His mistake, then, is one that only makes sense on a metanarrative aspect. His mistake was deciding not to confess his feelings to Fizz. Which… no. As novel as the concept of the butterfly effect was in 2015, the fundamental nature of something inconsequential being attributed to a disaster negates blame. No one is going to blame the butterfly for a hurricane. Similarly, Blitz’s decision to not confess has nothing to do with the fire, in fact the fire itself is not even his accident. His contribution begins and ends with accidentally bumping the other imp; a situation that would have been entirely harmless if not for another character’s unrelated decision made off-screen.

Additionally, Blitz is a heinously insufferable individual who has been nothing but insulting and abusive to his “friend” throughout the series. He sexually abuses Moxxie in Harvest Moon by touching his penis against his will. He threatens to rape Moxxie and Millie in Murder Family. Blitz humiliates Moxxie through emasculation by masculinizing Millie over Moxxie, mocking Moxxie’s anatomy through his weight and genital size, and degrading Moxxie’s hobbies and abilities. Often without any prompting whatsoever and for Blitz’s own personal enjoyment. Blitz simply is a malicious individual, and at one point the series seemed to know that. The issue isn’t that Blitz is an awful person, it’s the lack of acknowledging that fact. The fans and Medrano conveniently ignore who this character is and what he has done to justify him instead of seeking to understand him. This is a running theme throughout the show.

I also briefly compared the scene in Oops to Herb and Bojack in this post, but I didn’t focus so much on the characters and more the metanarrative reason why Bojack worked and Helluva Boss didn’t.

Here, let’s look at why Bojack went to see Herb: Because Herb told him to. Unlike the scenario between Fizz and Blitz where they didn’t see each other for fifteen years and then conveniently run into each other and just so happen to be spotted by Crimson and Striker who, for some reason, know all about Fizz and Ozzie being a thing and they just keep Blitz around because … he’s the main character. Sure, one could argue both Crimson and Striker have a personal thing against Blitz, makes you wonder why they didn’t, you know, do anything to him? No torture or revenge of any kind, he’s just there now. Conveniently tied up and kept with Fizz instead of literally anything else they could have done with him. There is no internal logic to the characters as to why things turn out this way. As seen in the Mammon episode, it's a metanarrative compulsion to make sure Blitz is in every episode regardless of whether it makes sense or goes anywhere, or not.

Another sidebar, but the fact that so much of the series is not able to be explained within the narrative and requires an understanding of how Medrano and her team formulate a script is a huge issue. It removes the ability to properly dissect the characters as individual people and necessitates a reading of them that is how Medrano wants the audience to think about them. When it comes to the character dissections, it is effectively impossible to have a complete or coherent reading in regards to the literary philosophy of the Death of the Author. You have no story or character if you remove Medrano. The world as a whole completely falls apart unless you inject it with her metacommentary and narrative intention like one would preserve a corpse through glycerin. There is absolutely no substance here. And the longer she goes on, trying to compile the whole show into a coherent narrative of its own is like building a skeleton with a human ribcage, an ostrich spine, an elephant skull and the lower half of a barbie doll.

Bojack calls Herb after finding out he is dying from cancer, Herb tells Bojack to come visit him. He refuses to talk to Bojack any other way, and Bojack is compelled to go by his guilt, not ego. Herb calling him to his house obliterates Bojack’s ego, this is Herb’s home and he is the one being summoned. This is where Herb has the most power compared to, say, over the phone. This is not only a move of superiority on Herb’s part, but an act of submission on Bojack’s. Herb forces Bojack to come to him. Once again, this is what power dynamics look like. But, despite the resentment and awkward bitterness, he does want to see Bojack.

I don’t know how many times I can articulate this. Herb is the one in control and he is the one who wants to see Bojack and he is the one calling the shots. Not at all comparable to Fizz being kidnapped, forced to interact with Blitz and then wholly reliant on him due to the narrative in order to facilitate this forced reconciliation. Herb and Bojack are people with complex feelings and agendas. Blitz and Fizz are two dolls being smashed together and held in place by the will of a childish god.

Second, the reason Bojack calls Herb is because he feels guilty, not for abandoning Herb but because he betrayed Herb. He told Herb he would stand with him and walk off the show if they tried to fire his friend, but according to Bojack, he was a coward and didn’t keep his word. He feels guilt for that, he regrets it. But when he apologizes to Herb for it, Herb corrects him. It isn’t because Bojack didn’t keep his word, like the horse man thought, it was because he thought the betrayal was more important than their friendship.

He’s a coward, but not for staying on Horsing Around. He’s a coward because he didn’t believe in their friendship. They were together for years and Herb thought that meant something, but Bojack avoiding Herb and never reaching out to him showed how little their friendship meant to him. And it wasn’t because Bojack didn’t care, Herb knows that. And that fact is necessary to understanding the sequence. Bojack didn’t value the friendship because he thought he was valueless. He avoided Herb because he thought Herb would never forgive him, because that is how little Bojack thinks of himself. Him calling Herb is the active display of him still not forgiving himself, so he needs Herb to do it for him. And Herb knows all of this.

“You know what your problem is? You wanna think of yourself as the good guy. Well, I know you better than anyone else and I can tell you that you're not. In fact, you'd probably sleep a lot better at night if you just admitted to yourself that you're a selfish goddamn coward, who takes whatever he wants, and doesn't give a shit about who he hurts. That's you. That's BoJack Horseman."

Bojack has no value in himself, leaving him extremely fragile. So he took what he wanted, he took their relationship and defined it for both of them. He ran away, protecting himself while determining that this is what Herb would want, and left Herb alone and powerless even in his closest friendship. Which is why Herb demands Bojack come to see him, it’s Herb reclaiming his power in the relationship. And all of this only has any meaning if you clearly define the fact that Bojack apologized for the wrong thing.

There’s an alternate universe where Bojack doesn’t go back and apologize at all, and he and Herb rebuild their friendship anew in Herb’s last days and they simply, quietly agree to start over. Because that’s not off the table. Herb still values the telescope. He still values their friendship. Bojack, once again, takes it away. And Herb, a dying man, fights viciously to keep hold of it. Him not forgiving Bojack is not wanting his friend back, if anything, it’s because he desperately wants Bojack back that he won’t forgive him.

The telescope isn’t just a metaphor when it breaks. It's the symbol of their friendship the entire time, and the physical actions taking place over it are a screenshot of what happened. Bojack took their friendship and left with it. But it meant something to Herb, and you would only know that by how he fights over it now. And when it breaks it shows that, because of Bojack and his cowardly need to run away from his problems, their relationship is now, finally, beyond repair. Not because Herb didn’t forgive him. It wasn’t over when Herb didn’t forgive him. Bojack ended it, not Herb.

But just like Bojack, Medrano and her fans believe that forgiveness is the end all of the story. It’s why so many people were not invested in Fizzarolli and Blitz makeup. Because Fizz just forgiving Blitz makes everything they went through meaningless. It strips the characters and what they went through of depth and nuance in a single moment. It also validates Bojack's general mindset in the belief that one moment can fix a systemic problem. In this case, Medrano isn't the Anti-Bojack, she just is Bojack.

The issue between Herb and Bojack wasn’t the job, or even the time. It was Bojack. And it is the failure of Bojack identifying the part of himself that resulted in this outcome, and not making the choice to do anything different that results in the end of everything. Maybe Herb would never have forgiven the Bojack who left him. But that’s why Bojack needed to be a different Bojack. And he wasn’t.

Wrapping this back around to the start of the essay and how Absurdist philosophy plays into Bojack intrinsically, Herb says exactly that truth to Bojack. That if Bojack was only honest to himself and lived authentically, maybe he would be able to sleep at night. Because being good is less important than being real.

This reminds me of Jean Baptiste Clamence from Camus’s The Fall. A Frenchman in the seedy center of Amsterdam, a city encircled by canals like the rings of hell. He spends his nights in the bar just outside of the red light district, drunk off his ass, it is uncertain if he is actually telling his story to anyone at all. Over the course of four nights, he tells his story of his fall from grace. His self exile to Hell after being unable to cope with his guilt. He tells so many stories of himself, egotistically claiming he has the lost panel of the Ghent Alterpiece in his apartment, the piece titled The Just Judges.

Even his name is a plea for repentance. John. Baptist. Clemency. He claims to sleep with Judges looming over him. Words endlessly flow from him and he confesses his sins.

It’s when he fesses to witnessing the suicide of a young woman in Paris that he explains why he ran away to Netherlands. He says how she called for help after jumping into the water, but he quickly fled the scene, hearing the splashing below become eerily silent. One could argue that he couldn’t do anything. In the Paris winter, the freezing water of the canal could kill them both, let alone the dangers of trying to save someone who is drowning. The main concern being the victim drowning their savior in a frenzied panic of keeping themselves above the water. It could be said that he did the only thing he could. However, he knows she was aware he was there, so she called out to him specifically when she came to her senses. No one witnessed the incident or knew he was there but her, and no one could fault him for doing nothing.

But he feels the guilt in himself, and thus runs away.

Jean-Baptiste, Bojack and even Diane all have the same mentality. They fetishize their misery and trauma, making themselves important through the loops of suffering they inflict on themselves. Thinking that because the events happened to them, it must mean they are somehow special. That their damage meant something out of all the other people on this planet who suffer. That because they felt alone and responsible, they are a mythical chosen one selected from the masses to do something. They find value in the negative self-image they have, their pain being their purpose.

Because if it didn’t matter, why did it happen to them?

This is where I normally would keep just ripping apart the arguments, but frankly, there isn’t one anymore. For one, the original poster just blatantly lacks any fundamental understanding of Bojack as a series since the entire premise of the show is every season Bojack tries to change.

On a narrative basis, the lack of intentionality on Blitz’s part absolves him from needing forgiveness. Fizzarolli forgiving him holds no weight because Blitz didn’t intentionally set the fire, he didn’t see Fizz in the explosion when he ran away, he didn’t not try to see Fizz in the hospital and then Medrano puts the cherry on top about how Fizz’s life is actually better because of everything that happened. It’s equal parts boring and vile. The conflict is artificial, the resolution is repulsive and contrived. There is no depth to these characters and Medrano actively removes depth, either because she herself lacks the ability to comprehend it or because she knows her fans are incapable of doing so.

Also, let's just not comment on how this line explicitly overshadows Fizz's trauma. Everyone knows you don't end an apology with "but". That negates the whole apology. This is literally "I'm sorry you got hurt and I can never make that up to you, BUT my mom's dead so you don't even know what it's like being me and feeling responsible for that."

While the writers of Bojack sought to make their characters understandable and thus empathetic, they at no point excused or retconned the behavior. The writers on Bojack didn’t do anything to justify their characters, they were not at all focused on controlling how the audience felt about the characters. They were showing that the characters were well rounded, had reasons, why they had those reasons, what core memories made them who they are today. And the audience had the choice in how they responded to the characters. Medrano needs her audience to feel the same way about her characters as she does in order for the story to work, because she has never put forth the effort of actually telling this story.

One does not need the interviews with Bob-Waksberg to understand his cast and their story. Everything a viewer needs to know can be found in the show proper. There are not huge points of context happening just over there, off screen, between episodes and relegated to background details. Everything relevant to these characters and their stories is in the show. That has not and at this point never will be the case for Helluva Boss. So in many ways, yes. Helluva Boss is the anti-Bojack.

That's not a good thing.

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ask-hetaaca-germany · 4 years

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Indemnity

For all the intelligence that he had ascribed to himself, Ludwig had not the foresight at all to plan for his escape. That much was apparent now, he realized, as he wandered through the cobblestone alleyways of Berlin with nothing but the clothes on his back and a messenger bag strung across his gangly frame.

It had been days since he had boarded the ferry that had brought him to the mainland, driven less by logic and more by sheer animalistic panic.

Of course, in theory, he could justify his flight. Any excuse was sufficient in his desperation to be right, as it had all his life. He could tell himself that he was scared, that his departure was more instinct than reaction. That who wouldn’t be afraid, with their world crashing down around them?

But, in practice, Ludwig knew better than that.

Others would have done better, explained themselves. Try as he might have, no amount of self-justification could obfuscate the truth he wanted so desperately to avoid. That Ludwig Beilschmidt was a coward, and running away was the only solution that didn’t further stain his hands with red.

What more was there to say? Every word in the document had been true. Perhaps he was foolish to think that he would be able to escape from the lives that he had taken; but now the sloppily stitched sheepskin had rotted away, and all that was left was his own wolfish snarl, jaws still dripping crimson.

Yet, obfuscation was the only option he had ever considered, for what school would let a criminal brazenly stalk their gilded halls?

That had all been rendered inconsequential. The result in front of him remained the same. Self-imposed exile from the too-small island that teemed with collars and cages. The betrayal of the few friends he had managed to make, forced to see the savagery of someone they once deemed harmless.

It would all be okay if he didn’t return. It would have been better if he had left them a body to mourn.

Martyrs have been made out of less.

Now, lost in the heart of a homeland he did not remember, he had no place to run. Just the fleeting ghost of a childhood he did not live, a reminder of a time in his life where he had no sins to bear.

But even that was an insight too grand to ascribe to his absconsion.

He had spent his first day wandering the streets in a nostalgic daze, chasing after the mytopic afterimage of a home he wished to remember.

Then, night had fallen and shattered the illusion.

This was not the first time that Ludwig had been alone. From the fatality-caused emancipation that had concluded his childhood, to the first time he had tried to run away from his problems––it seemed as though his life was a cycle of constant solitary atonement, only briefly broken with undeserved affection.

However, for all of his faults, he was never one for self-pity. In consequence, when night came and the streets emptied, Ludwig did not wallow in his own misfortune, for every horrid thing that had fallen upon him had been earned through his own sins. He simply sank into a darkened corner, like he had so many nights before, and dreamt of the last comforting touch that had brushed across his once-unmarred skin.

One of his guardians had told him once that there was never a set amount of options in life. That there was always an infinite amount of choices to be made, it was just the consequences that ruled them as untenable. They were always like that, flippant and fluid in everything they did.

Ludwig was not sure how true that was, but he knew of the decisions that laid in front of him. If he were less selfish, if he was less like a trained dog that had not yet forgotten his tricks, then he would not be considering that which he would have once called inexcusable.

His quirk could be sold. That was something that had already been proven to him by the countless, faceless evils whom he had served as a child. In the days since he had set foot in the city, that gnawing thought had only gotten louder in his brain. From whispering, low tones of power in an all-too-familiar voice, to a promise so loud that it was all Ludwig could hear.

As his hunger grew, so did his desperation.

When the soft sounds of the bustling city streets faded into the silent night, there was nothing to distract him from the stridency of his consciousness. A buzz of his miraculously-functional phone jolted him from his light doze, the dull ache in his stomach too pervasive for him to be able to sleep.

Another message from ghosts he thought he had long outrun.

They loved him. That was a fact that had brought a smile to his tearstained and bloodsoaked cheeks once upon a time, when ruffled hair and praise was enough justification for any action he was ordered to take. How could the vain eminences not adore a child whose reverence was so absolute that he burned with passion for their every word?

Now, staring at those acetate-sweet words of home and family, he wished he could believe them again. The half-forgotten feeling of an embrace burned at his skin, a feverish longing digging into his soul.

Here, alone and silent, Ludwig could not deny the selfishness in his yearning. His fantasies of a celebrated return, tempered only by the adumbration of sickening memories.

His life was defined by sophistic hope, trapped between the ideal of a moralistic self and the truth of a reprehensible malefactor. He knew what his guardians would say, welcoming him home with too-cold arms and cheshire smiles. It was delusional for a creature like him to rise above his nature, but they would forgive his transgressions in exchange for his continued mindless devotion.

What is the correct choice between an unattainable future and an unforgivable past?

Ludwig felt a lump rise in his throat, the culmination of every swallowed sob and buried whimper lodged in his chest. A wave of nausea rose to lap at his empty stomach, and he could not tell if it was a selfish reflex at the thought of returning to face his failure or if the gore of his youth finally provoked the empathetic reaction it should’ve, years too late.

He clenched his jaw, the grinding of bone and tensed muscle sending a sharp stab of pain through his rest-starved brain. He would not let himself weep like an innocent creature, pearl-laden tears glistening with unjust anguish. He did not deserve to claim pain for the suffering he had inflicted on others.

Sometimes, he wished morality was an inherent trait, not a mantel of responsibility that he struggled to lift, a too-weak Atlas with an object he does not even fully understand. Perhaps for others, it was natural, but that was a possibility that Ludwig was too afraid to imagine. He already felt like a weapon with delusions of humanity, his attempts at being a person too strange and unsettling to be anything but feigned.

Distantly, he could feel himself shaking, tendons twitching like electricity-shocked cadavers. His chest heaved with panic he did not feel, frenzied lungs sending signals of fear to an unresponsive brain. It would be a pathetic scene for anyone to stumble upon, a half-grown teenager curled in a concrete alleyway, trembling with glassy eyes and a vacant stare.

Yet, he did not sense distress nor suffering, just a faraway feeling of fog and gritted teeth. He stayed there for minutes, or maybe hours, eyes tracing the rough texture of the stone while his body shuddered with long-forgotten fear.

At some point, dawn came. Soft hues of gold and rose washed across the dirty grey ground, lighting the alley in an undeserving cinematic glow. His bloodshot eyes filled with tears at the glare, each blink feeling sandpaper-dry.

Unfolding himself from his curled position, Ludwig straightened his rumpled collar and tucked in his shirt, each movement stilted and robotic. His jaw was still clenched, gaze unfocused on some unknown, faraway entity that only he could see. He blinked once, reptile-slow, and arduously dragged his attention back to himself. There would be no time for childlike absentmindedness in the light of the day. He had thought that these habits had long been trained out of him: it was disheartening to know that even those he thought as all-powerful could not curb his own defective tendencies.

His phone buzzed with another message, the sharp sound singing siren songs of longed-for affection. Unable to resist the temptation of validation, brief and conditional as it may be, Ludwig reached for it, gloved hands still shuddering with the aftershock of his nocturnal panic.

The directive was not what he had expected. Instead of vows of family and love, there was a quiet, half-hearted offer of shelter from one of his classmates, the words dripping with poorly disguised disdain. If he were younger, more naive and willing to think that goodwill came without strings attached, he would have, perhaps, accepted the offer.

But he was not.

He would not subject others to the experience of being faced with something so viscerally iniquitous as the guilt he carried. If he were to survive, he need not burden others with his crimes.

((Thank you to @ask-hetaaca-czechia for proofreading, brainstorming and editing this with me!! ily king)

#hws germany #APH Germany #hetalia #ludwig beilschmidt #written response #backstory event

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secondsofhappiness · 6 years

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Haha I love baby's so it did make me swoon a tiny bit 😉 But I was also swooning at Aaron's face too he looks really emotional & I'm pleased it looks like he's gonna be in Robs corner he really does love him 😊 I've just got such mixed feelings, I Just want her gone Megan, so much, I guess she's not a threat but I want her gone so much - I want the reunion to be magic, I hope it will be 🤞Megan how do you feel about it? 🙏

Awww love ❤️

I mean, I have never been quiet in saying that baby storylines bore me to tears. I am not really interested in babies or stories about them and that tends to be my number 1 switch off factor. I’ve done it before because the introduction of babies to a favourite character wasn’t interesting, there was no other element to it and I got bored and lost interest so that’s my main concern.

Aaron and Rob (and Liv) are characters so inherently interesting that even the thought of a baby should be far from their minds in soap world. In Soap, babies usually come at a time to inject drama. You have no need with these characters. They are so interesting and dramatic on their own and my main and singular concern has always been that the introduction of a baby would 1) make me bored and switch off (THERE ARE SO MANY BABY STORYLINES RIGHT NOW) and 2) cause the characters to lose what made them interesting to begin with.

That’s still a concern to me.

BUT there’s so damn much to come. I know it’s soon going to be all about Rob and how he feels about this kid. It seems he’s shocked by it, uncomfortable but realised that it’s real and he needs to do something about it. He seems to decide he needs to step up which is a good thing for his character but is that it?

Surely that can’t be the one thing to change everything, to make Robert want to be atone and do better? Maybe it is? If that’s the case then that’s so boring to me.

As an audience, we should want Rob far far away from this kid hahaha. I mean, look at how he’s treating the kid’s mother and immediate family. The general audience really aren’t in Rob’s corner right now and I doubt a tiny innocent baby is going to change their minds as they won’t want Rob near it. According to Iain (and his words I take with a gallon of salt), were supposed to get Rob’s redemption.

If this is it, as in “babies make you better” then I’d be terribly terribly disappointed and bored because no they don’t! Babies don’t suddenly change you. Yes, they change a lot but if you have faults and issues then babies don’t cure them. The change needs to be linked to those faults in the first place aka if someone is a manipulator, then they need to be shown how their manipulation can bite them or be faced with a wake up call in light of it.

Kids aren’t cure alls. If they make it that way then UGH I’d be so disappointed.

That said, according to the limited spoilers I know, Rob’s going to be banned from seeing the kid and then Lachlan’s going to be in the attic (Jesus this family hahaha) for whatever reason and that only leads us to late November. Unless Lachlan is recording shit in his weirdo attic home so can expose Larry and Rob then there must be a bigger reason. Tbh I’m entirely rooting for Lachlan after this week. He’s mega interesting to me. Thomas is killer and such a great foil for Rob. Plus, he hates Larry so he has my backing Hahahaha. Do your worst, kid.

As for Aaron. That’s a tricky one for me. He’s been so very strong and he removed himself from a painful situation to care for himself and that’s the best thing. It’s what should have always happened and so any change to that HAS to make sense for his character.

Do I think it’d be a satisfactory outcome for Aaron to just be smitten seeing Rob holding a baby? Not at all. That’s also boring to me. That doesn’t resolve anything. That shit wears off! Especially as the root of this entirely nightmare is the creation of this child and the circumstances surrounding it.

Again, kids aren’t cure alls. They aren’t a magic medicine. They can mask things momentarily but they aren’t going to suddenly make it all good.

So anything from Aaron, to me, has to be earned and seem logical for his character where he is now. Yeah, I think he’s always been a moralistic character (in a v weird way whilst battering people at times…!) and he’s got a lot of love and compassion which means he will no doubt be supportive of Rob and be hoping Rob can sort his shit out. Aaron would be Aaron if he didn’t do that. Will it hurt him? UNDOUBTEDLY. I don’t think that’s enough to have him suddenly wanting Rob in his life as a partner and to be welcoming a baby into his life. Aaron’s a young guy and I don’t think a baby is exactly in his plans and this is a baby who signifies how everything went wrong. It’s not the baby’s fault nor should any of this ever be held against the kid (he didn’t ask to have a nightmare existence!) but spoilers suggest he really still isn’t ok with all of this baby stuff even when the baby is here so I have trouble accepting that Aaron would welcome this child into his home to help raise it etc lightly. It’s the sole problem he has and any action to accept all of this should be about Aaron and nothing else. I’d struggle to accept him suddenly being a co-parent without any significant development.

So I think there’s more to come. I don’t believe it’s as simple as Rob becomes a dad and suddenly he’s a changed man. No way. Rob’s ways are so ingrained and part of him as a person that no kid is going to solve that and change him. A taste of his own medicine? That’d do it. He needs it and I’d love to see him get it as I am always fascinated by Rob’s character. If all it turns out to be is a baby as the reason for a character’s entire persona to change then JESUS. Awful.

So I am just taking stuff as it happens. I don’t know a lot of the spoilers so it’s likely I’m missing out on stuff so these are just my current feelings. All I know is that for Rob to want to change who he is, for him to have this Xmas storyline, for Aaron to actively want to be part of this whole thing, for The Whites to leave (in whatever way), for this all to make sense, something else has to happen and I definitely think there is more to come and December will be full of drama.

Tbh The Whites leaving is the goal. Just to get to that point for me is a big deal. Celebrations shall ensue! 🎈Also, Liv. She is who I cherish here in a big way so I need to see her being looked after and being ok. I hope we get that. People just need to cuddle Liv in all scenes!

I hope that answers everything!! ❤️❤️

#spoilers #messages from hannah

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