#cause she was scared id end up as mentally ill as my brother | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

whatifyoulivelikethat · 3 years

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warnings: extremely negative feelings towards a sibling, distressing / intrusive thoughts. placed under a break due to the content of the message. remember, I'm not a mental health professional.

updated with additional viewpoints from readers at the bottom!

I'm sorry in advance.

I really hate my older sister. She never respects my boundaries, insults me frequently, and is just annoying and hypocritical in general.

I've always had these issues with her, but she lived at her own apartment away from me and the rest of my family, so I've been able to control my hatred of her. But last year in March she moved back in and sold her apartment. She has no plans of leaving anytime soon, and I can't stand her.

We shared a bedroom for about a year because we were also taking care of my cousin who also moved in with us last year. My cousin has since moved out, but my sister is unfortunately here to stay for a couple of years. But with extra space, I was able to move into the spare bedroom and thought that would be the end of my problems.

It wasn't. In fact, she has become even more unbearable. The hardest part of this relationship is that she has a weird obsession with being with me. I'm not sure if this is because she loves me, or she's just weird. I think she's weird because my parents never act like she does.

Our bedrooms are right next to each other. There's really no reason for her to miss me. But every single fucking minute she's coming into my room to bother me. I would have more empathy for her if she acknowledged my limits, but she doesn't.

She's constantly cuddling me after I've said for MONTHS that I don't enjoy it and it makes me uncomfortable. She constantly belittles me by saying I couldn't live without her, and that I would be a mess if it wasn't for her (mind you, I've lived without her at the house for YEARS and I was perfectly fine). She's constantly in my business, interrogating me about every little thing. She once locked the door and wouldn't let me leave the room without answering her questions for 20 minutes; she asked me about a $30 Amazon order containing manga I ordered with MY OWN MONEY. And I had permission for my parents to order it! It wasn't her business whatsoever.

I've tried to keep her out numerous times; I've gotten in trouble for it. My parents say I'm being mean and that this is her way of loving me. What I feel like they ignore is that I'M UNCOMFORTABLE. Her way of "loving me" HURTS.

I've tried communication. I've had multiple meetings with my family about my boundaries and they say they'll change, but they never do.

Another factor that worsens this is that I have borderline personality disorder. I'm currently being denied therapy or intervention of any kind. I get told my mental illness is a result of me having an attitude and hating my family.

I writing this to you because I've been having very alarming thoughts recently. I'm been somewhat suicidal as long as I can remember, but this is different. I've been having nightmares about killing my family/my family killing me. I don't want to kill my family. As much as they have abused me, I know they truly love me deep down. But when I'm in a mental breakdown, I don't think for the most part. I'm afraid I'm going to do something to hurt them if they continue to push me. I'm too scared to turn myself into the police and I don't want to be taken away from my home. I truly need therapy, but it's expensive and I'm not allowed to get it.

Are there any options left for me? I love my family and I want to get better, but I can't stand them. It'll be a while before I can live on my own, and I don't think I'll make it that long.

I'm so sorry.

I appreciate that you came to me, however, please remember I am not a mental health professional.

I do not have the best relationship with my family. I've come to accept that they just exist and I moved away from them. I keep a strict level of familiarity with them for my own sanity and well-being. There are people in my immediate family I don't talk to anymore or only speak to in certain situations, with other people around to buffer my emotions. No one in my family understands or respects my mental health issues and I have ceased talking about it with them.

I will admit, I had to ask for help. I'm going to share the answer of someone I trust, because they are much more level-headed when it comes to something like this.

Use different words with your sister. Instead of "I'm mad or annoyed", use words that bring out more empathy - "You're making me sad and uncomfortable. You're hurting me." Anger is usually perceived as something within you, something you must control. But sadness is usually not perceived in the same light. People usually see sadness as something that has a cause and perhaps letting her know that she is the cause will have an effect on her. Using different words when speaking to her may slowly change her perspective.

When it comes to your parents, well, parents do not usually understand sibling dynamics. They're fucking useless most of the time when it comes to problems specifically between siblings. It might be better if you say something like, "Her constant intrusions are affecting my school work. My grades are going to drop." Usually, parents respond more urgently if you say you education is affected - and it doesn't matter if it's true or not, we're just trying to get them to help in some way.

I had to remind them it's summertime lol

Oh shit, you're right. Er. Well, In any case, it seems you've tried having reasonable discussions with your parents and it doesn't seem helpful to continue discussing this particular topic with them. Maybe get into fitness since it's summertime. Go outside, do something active. She can't cuddle you if you're running, right? Then you can also be stronger and feeling better physically improves mental health. Put some music on, go hiking or running, take yourself out of the situation.

I don't know if this is possible, but perhaps if you're experiencing a mental breakdown and you're afraid of hurting your family, run out of the house? It might be better to be physically away from them at that time to avoid saying or doing anything you regret. It may help clear your head and help your family realize that this is something that is truly debilitating to you.

I don't know your age, so I don't know if the school thing is relevant. It's only a suggestion.

You said it will be a while before you can live on your own. When I knew the cons of living with my family outweighed the pros, I did everything in my power to prepare myself for leaving because I needed a goal in order to survive. I needed distractions, reading, writing, gaming, music, anything else to occupy my mind and help control my thoughts. There was a time when I needed music to fall asleep (headphones in on low volume).

Also... uh.

I'm not saying you should do this. I'm only saying I did.

My siblings and I have physically fought before. One has scars from fighting me. The scarred one is the one closest to me currently.

Not saying you should do it.

But I did.

If anyone feels comfortable enough to share how they dealt with it in their own situation, please do. Maybe more perspectives can help this person.

some other experiences sent to me:

anon #1

I don't think I had a situation that extreme but my brother was a little like that. I honestly had to become kinda rude and indifferent. Like he'd always use my laptop and stuff and I put passwords on everything and just don't tell him. And then when he tried to hug or cuddle id say I don't liek it and just push him away physically now this soudns fucking obvious when I say it this way but like I don't think I read that u tried it ? Idk I discovered I have a loud annoying scream that neighbours will hear, and fucking strokg legs I used to kick him away but like I was tiny so I don't really endorse violence but I didnt like being close to a 'boy' essentially at taht age so yea... Idk man siblings are weird and I have had intrusive thoughts so I think I didn't handle it well but for a few years I became an asshole to him and then now I'm good with talking sometimes and I keep it short and sweet and I've mentioned that I'm sorry for being mean in the past bcuz like I am ? Bcuz I'm not an asshole ? ( But like I did what I had to do ) I hope u get the help and support u need

anon #2

I read the message from the previous anon and I have to say I relate to what they say. I wouldn’t say i’ve completely dealt with the situation when it comes to my parents.

I have 4 siblings and i’m the oldest, my sister that’s 2 years younger than me always gets in my way and is a tyrant. Because she’s much taller than me she overpowers me and i also have scars from when we’ve fought. My parents don’t intervene because they say we’ll make up soon and I honestly can’t stay mad at people for long. I also live with my parents and am not able to move out anytime soon until I get my degree.

A few weeks ago my mother was complaining to my father that I don’t help around the house and all that bullshit but it’s obviously not true. Anyway. My father came into my room and threw all my clothes from my cupboards on the floor and said my sister and I must get out of his house. He was literally pulling us and we were crying because where the hell would we go. My smaller siblings were begging for him not to chase us out of the house but he was ballistic. He was constantly throwing insults at me, calling me selfish and disrespectful. I was having a mental breakdown and I said i hope that God takes my life away because i’m too weak to do it myself. I kept saying that and when my parents heard me. They called me crazy and were laughing at me and said i should take it back because instead of me another one of my family members would go.

My parents don’t care about mental health and therapy. It’s all unnecessary to them. But after that night I tried to find my own way of getting rid of the negative thoughts, I choose to ignore what everyone tells me. I agree with everything that you said about trying to get away from their family when they have those thoughts. I try meditation and praying. I’m not sure if that person follows any religion but that’s what helped me. And writing can be cathartic. Also remember that you’re not alone, there are so many people out there who share your sorrows and can relate to your situation. I think about my little siblings who i’m close to and what it would be like if i wasn’t there.

Maybe if they could get a pet? I know having a pet can make you feel less alone and you feel a sense of responsibility towards them. As for their sister, she needs to see their point of view and tell her that she makes her feel overwhelmed with the things she does. She can spend time with her and try to make her understand that they need their space too.

anon #3

I also have sum advice 4 the sibling anon frm a fellow bpd buddy:

Does ur view of ur sister change from "i hate her" to "she's alright" sometimes? Viewing sum1 as all bad or all good is common in bpd ppl and usually changes alot. I rec writing down the moments where she shows she loves u. This could be thru buying smth for u or doing smth 4 u. I had a similar relationship w a friend and this exercise helped me remember that she might not have intentions to hurt me and might b trying 2 bond. Repairing the relationship might take a while. Talk alot if u can, it seems like ur family is at least willing to hear u out, even if there behavior doesn't change much. Keep sum distance if needed. Working out and finding fun hobbies is good.

If u feel like ur breaking down, try breathing exercises n identify 5 things u notice thru ur senses. What do u feel? What do u smell? What do u taste? What do u see? What do u hear? I personally like taking myself down rabbit holes. For example: I see a yellow jacket > this shade of yellow is a cool tone > what makes a color "cool" or "warm" > why do we associate red with warmth > what if the sun was blue > what if ocean water looked orange > is water wet

I usually end up forgetting what was making me upset. If it was a big deal I would still remember, but at least I would b less emotional and a bit more rational.

Search up cognitive behavior therapy and dialectical behavior therapy and try 2 practice sumthing similar 2 exercises u would perform w a therapist. Squeeze stress balls. Masturbate (this blog is perfect 4 that lol). Maybe watch some videos done by therapists on youtube. I watched a couple of videos abt therapists reacting 2 fighting in movies and I learned alot (this video was very fun to watch)!

Anyway that's what helps me! Good luck 2 u!!!

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wodnes--coyotl · 3 years

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long personal post apologies to anyone on mobile, just...scroll on by...

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There’s so many things............I wanted to achieve in 2020, which is I’m sure what everyone has said. Somehow I still think 2017 was worse, but .... I don’t know. I was really alone then. I almost lost both my parents, this year I was safe with a better job, good partner, and only lost one (at least I got to see her once in a decade to say goodbye)....ultimately this brought me to heathenism in a weird and roundabout way. It’s hard to know she was really walking around with this poorly depicted Viking nonsense ‘false odin’ with cerberus (why?) going on, lord, she would’ve hated left heathens BUT ALSO wasn’t even a pagan to begin with (so she says, but being a pentecostal and having psychosis, while this does not a pagan make, made for a quite magickal and brutal experience). my mother was a trickster entity in living flesh. at first, i learned into having guides for the first time. i wondered if it was a coping mechanism, but i shrugged, because it was not my intention to see the numbers repeating, or the ‘loki’ every..single..day..for a week... in the weirdest fucking places... it was not my intention to lose my best friends in this city (which is not my final destination, ha) because they were too busy having poly drama, to, idk, support their friend, and then ghosted me, or came up with some weird passive aggressive bullshit. it totally dominated my 2020 - the pandemic, then mom dying, then the deities, then the loss. my card of the year was the hermit, i thought that was such a joke considering the pandemic. how could that then apply to me more personally? I haven’t had time or space mentally to recount the beautiful parts of the year because we’ve been stuck inside, inside during riots, inside during west coast smoke hell, inside where the spiders are. astoria was beautiful. it was god given. i knew what was real was real that day. it’s been seven months since mom passed, and i know her spirit has contacted me. it has brought me closer to my own spirituality which was accidentally rampant chaos magick that i was unaware of - introduced to me by ten years of tricksters who I never quite recognized. at the altar, id pull cards, i began to learn runes, and id ask, “were you always there? was that the presence that was always there?” I don’t know, much of the paranoid presence I felt my whole life ended when mom died. so much ended. i still want to write about it. again and again. because i forget that it happened, i compressed it so far back. everyone walked away and all that remained was my partner and the unseen. i would get straight answers on the altar, but never for that question. i never understood, and still hardly do, why loki came - was it to console me after the passing of my mother? somehow a veil had been lifted and my already wack ass intuition became 25% greater, somehow i felt seen and heard by others. at first, i was scared... i had always gravitated unknowingly towards tricksters and mercurial beings, loki came during the week of L*ghnasadh, after I’d been reading abt the ACTUAL “mercury”/hermes.... it was as if to be like, oh, you’re looking to NAME US FINALLY? THIS ENERGY, HERE _______. I was a little sheepish of Odin because of the association..... and I never quite got an answer. Sometimes still, I am struggling to understand this deity, however many a time loud and clear he and Loki have responded within the half-hour, be it some really weird ultra-specific shit to crop up, flickering shit, popping, knocking over. I turn to him frequently as, the more I read, the more I trust... this understanding of inarticulatable parts of myself - when I read about odr I was thinking of what this could mean for me, especially as a trans person, and it moved me. when I think about knowledge, and loss... when I think of the underdog vying that Odin (and of course Loki) represent, it is always with grace and honor that I am glad to be In It. I struggle tho, cos no matter how viscerally real my experiences have been, and no matter how little I would ever wish to disrespect them by denying faith, as a human who has run far from christianity and is skeptical of everything, every day, I’m like, ‘how much can I lean into this? is this ‘weird’ or delusional? am i acting like a child?” but, ..... I have learned from many smart and creative folks of the same ilk that we are not alone and the passage of time cannot destroy old gods so easily, and I am honored to be called to that. 2020.....that is.....to me, the year of death and rebirth. it was the only parting gift mom could give me. as she died, I told her I knew the lord had brought me there. I knew we had made it JUST in time, by many many strokes of good ‘luck’, to see her off. the last day we saw her was the last day she’d ever seen both her children together in her life. of course, she probably hardly recognized me. and she loved my brother more. had spent less time with him. oh lord, she did look at me with burning eyes of distrust and hatred, but that was not her fault. she was so ill. god she was so ill. dad joked, after she died, ‘maybe she’ll finally be in valhalla’, he didnt know what that meant. mom was a ‘devout’ christian woman of “god”. she was no pagan. she did not serve odin. but 2 months later when I discovered them, I heard his words ringing in my head, and I had to laugh. It’s been so hard...losing the queer comrades I had with me because of ? what ? exactly ? I still dn’t know, watching someone I spent 3 years being ‘close’ to basically patronize me that she always had reservations about us, never let me in, or get closer, like real friends, .... id cry and cry thinking, why, did i lose the one figure who brought me into this world, who i never had, for ten years, who abandoned me and hated every ounce of my being, and to confront this NOW in the middle of a pandemic, where i have zero way to the outside world to cope, and then to be left behind AGAIN by SO MANY PEOPLE, i felt Loki’s comforting presence. I’m trying to focus on the future again, that’s what 2021 is giving me. the “year” label, “when mom died” is over. even if that event forever changed my life far beyond that of a normal passing (?) I mean, it’s never normal when a mom dies, much less a woman like her, have mercy, it’s over. 2021 is the “year when we move to los angeles” its the “year when i start a REAL band again instead of be a side piece for a woman who cant get real with herself and her drum machine”, the “year when maybe ill take my adhd meds and hrt” we’re suspended in a stasis, there are big ups and downs. in two weeks i quit my med of 2 years, because it’s causing harm and i actually dont technically need to be on it anymore. im scared and excited. i need the change. i need the CHOICE.

#personalposting #long post #im SO SORRY IF YR ON MOBILE AND SEE ALL THIS #whatever its my blog ill write if i want to

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purplesurveys · 4 years

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958

Who’s one person who changed how you viewed something? Gabie has left me a big life realization or two.

At what age do you feel like you grew up mentally/emotionally? Well I think at any age people don’t stop growing and learning, but at this point in my life I felt like I did a lot of growing up at 17 in particular. There were a lot of losses endured and big decisions that had to be made when I was that age.

Do you have any brothers? I have a brother. Singular.

Are you currently happy? No. It’s gonna take a while to get there again, if I ever do.

Who did you talk on the phone with last night? No one. Work was prrrrretty exhausting yesterday so I was passed out by 9 PM. Wasn’t really in the mood to talk to anyone either; I just wanted my bed.

Is anything bugging you right now? Ugh, yep.

Who is the last person you missed a call from? My mom. She always seems to call on the ultra rare occasions that I put my phone down, which almost never happens.

What annoys you most in a person? Probably those who come off as unapproachable and unpleasant right off the bat. I get people who can be quiet at first because I can be that way too, but there’s still a big difference between being shy and just plain unapproachable.

Have you changed this year? For sure. 2020 has been a big year so far in terms of life changes and I’ve been greatly affected by all of them.

What are you listening to right now? I can hear Rhett and Link trying weird kinds of fondue.

Are you talking to anyone tonight? I don’t think so. I prefer not to, though; I’m always so tired after work haha.

Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Not at all. I feel relaxed going to the doctor because it means getting feedback on whatever condition or illness I’m having. I feel way more nervous for interviews or having to take calls HAHA

Whose bed did you sleep in last that wasn’t yours? My parents’, back when I was sick a few months ago. They had to look after me because I had felt super faint for a few days.

Are you a really understanding person? Yeah, very. I don’t know if it’s overall a good thing or not because historically, being understanding has made it easier for some people walk all over me. I don’t regret it though. It feels nice to be nice.

How many hours of sleep did you get last night? Around 10. This work-from-home thing is pretty sweet; it’s a big relief no longer having to drive to the workplace and spend 4 hours in traffic everyday.

How many pillows do you like to sleep with? Two.

Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night? Yeah once at midnight, another time at 3 AM. I fell back asleep easily though.

How are you feeling lately? Kinda annoyed at a miscommunication that someone else caused at work that led me to be wrongfully scolded; mostly relieved because I’ve done my tasks for now and I think I did a pretty good job. Also relieved because it’s lunch break which means I have time to take this survey.

How do you wear your hair most of the time? Down or in a lazy, low bun.

Think back to the end of last school year, who did you have feelings for? Gab.

In a relationship, do you think about the future, or now? I think of both. It’s not that hard.

Think back to the last person you kissed, did that person ever give you a piggy back ride? Yup, plenty. I’m half her weight so I’m easy to carry around.

Did you see your best friend today? I haven’t seen either in a while, no. Angela especially – I haven’t seen her since March.

Are you close to your father? Definitely closer to him than I am with my mom, but I wouldn’t call him a confidante or anything like that. He’s just more relatable and it’s easier to talk and open up to him. He also never scolds me, so there’s that.

Have you ever broken someone’s heart? It’s definitely possible. I’m sure I disappointed my mom a few times back when I was in my angsty-teenager-going-through-puberty phase, lol.

Where did you go today? The farthest I’ve gone is the kitchen to get myself brunch and coffee.

Where are you located right now? I’m in my bedroom, working on the floor because I find it more comfortable for the meantime.

What’s between you and the last person you texted? I dunno. It’s weird at the moment.

Could you go a month without talking to your best friend? I technically could, but it would be miserable.

What was the last piece of furniture you purchased? I didn’t purchase it myself, but my mom got me a new desk in my room.

Have you ever broken up with someone for a reason other than lack of feelings (ex. moving away, etc.)? Nope.

Has anyone ever told you that you are too picky when it comes to the people you date? What about not picky enough? Ugh, I’ve taken this survey before looooooool. I’m too far in it now though, so I guess I’ll just suck it up. I remember answering this by saying that as a demi I’m bound to be very picky, and that I’m alright with that.

When was the last time you went to a bar? Start of Feb, at Kiana’s friend’s boyfriend’s new bar. I feel bad for the dude for having his bar open mere weeks before a global pandemic blew up, but I’m glad to see that it’s still doing well with online orders and such.

What three things would you change about your life? I wish my internship would soon turn into a full-time position; I wish I was more stable and happier; I wish I had a few creative talents under my belt like cooking and knowing how to play at least one instrument.

Was there anything unusual or unique about your birth? I’m gonna retain my old answer and say that it’s my siblings who get to share weirder facts about their birth. My mom’s pregnancy with me went smoothly.

What has happened in the past week that is worth remembering in five years? Internship and other life things. September 2020 is a month to remember lol

How much of your day did you spend completely alone? For the last week or so I’ve been mostly alone since internship eats up my days. I show up to my family for dinner, but that’s about it.

What was the best conversation you’ve had recently? Angela giving me a pep talk the other day. I’ve been holed up by myself for the last few days, so it felt amazing to reach out to a friend.

What is the next book you are going to read? I’ll continue reading Midnight Sun, as slow as my progress is.

Describe the hardest decision you have ever made. I’m currently in the process of having to pick a big decision but I don’t feel like getting into it.

Why did you last see the doctor? I had a pesky fever that wasn’t going away and I was starting to get scared that it was either dengue or COVID altogether.

Post a recent picture of yourself. Eh, you’re not getting one today, survey.

How do you spend the majority of your free time? I like watching YouTube videos, doing surveys, reading articles, and playing with Cooper.

What do you want to accomplish tomorrow? Just hoping for more tasks to be handed to me so I can maximize my time in my internship.

List the cards in your wallet. Debit card, school ID, driver’s license, gas station card for perks, a couple of business cards, and a card listing down rights of media practitioners that was handed to us by the college’s student council a few years ago. As for the latter, that was when the political climate was a bit of a mess and when that happens, journalism practitioners and students are usually the main targets of the cops. We were given that card so we can protect ourselves just in case something shitty happened to any one of us.

What was the last thing to inspire you? The aforementioned pep talk given to me by Angela.

Who was the last person to do something nice for you? One of my superiors at work complimented me on the slides I worked on.

What was the lowest point of this year? The highest? Highest point would be pre-Covid days, which sucks because those were a lifetime ago. There has been a lot of low points.

Is there any artwork in the room you’re in? Yep.

What is your number one short-term goal? Long-term? Short-term is to do well in this internship, long-term is to work towards a career in a field that I’m into and happy in and let everything follow from there.

Are you dealing with anything difficult at the moment? Yes.

#survey #surveys

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freebooter4ever · 4 years

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my dad group texted my brother and i, highly unusual, and i think jordan was weirded out too cause his response was equally short and confused. on the list of things my little brother and i have never discussed, our dad’s relative interest or lack there of in our lives is pretty high. dad’s been messaging me since october, asking about stuff like where my next living plans are (which he has never done since i first moved out age eighteen), and i’ve only been vaguely responding to the point blank questions cause its just. so. weird. i think my grandpa’s death has shaken dad’s worldview a bit more than he’s been letting on.

he alienated my brother and i pretty much immediately after his secretive marriage to the bottle blonde rich bitch when i was 22. he kicked my brother out as soon as jordan turned 18, and when i discovered this by coming home one summer and seeing jordan wasnt in the house, i got so fucking mad that it was the first time i ever had a full out screaming match at my dad. and apparently this display of anger was when rich bitch decided she didn’t like me (probably valid, but also ironic because pretty much from birth it was known in my entire extended family that dad and i were almost identical personality wise, and both of us have tempers where we will not get mad at anything but frustration will build up and up until on the rare blue moon it boils over, and oh boy. watch out. those moments were the only times i was ever scared of my dad as a kid and i think it only happened twice in my entire life)(if she thinks im crazy when im angry, she should see my dad)

but i was crazy mad because while i was lucky enough to be put in therapy due to attempting to starve myself into non existence at age 13 (many many sessions of ‘family’ therapy with me in the center of a long couch silently trying to pretend i was invisible and my mom two feet away at one end and dad on the opposite end of the couch, and my mom doing all the talking, ranting and raving about how im starving myself to punish her. and then the therapist kicking both my parents out and trying to convince me to say a few words, and her finally getting me to realize that how my mom treated me was not normal and not something i needed to put up with if it made me sad and scared, and then the therapist realizing that i was still too sad and scared to confront it, and her and i coming up with a compromise where we would tell my mom that i was just ‘really attached’ to dad’s house and it wasnt that i was terrified of living with my mom or liked my dad better, it was that i just really liked living in one place instead of out of a suitcase and moving every week), and so had both the therapist and my dad supporting me when at fourteen i finally said enough was enough and demanded that my dad get full custody so i didnt have to spend every other week with my abusive mother anymore - while i got out of that situation, my brother didnt. i tried, he knew that it was my decision to live full time with dad and i made it clear he could do the same, but just as it was a given that i was identical to dad’s personality, my brother was identical to mom’s so i think he was more attached to her than i was. either way, he always refused and insisted on continuing to live between both of them. after i hit driving age, my dad transferred responsibility to me for shuttling my brother to and from my dad’s house to my mom’s apartment. dad’d lock himself in his room, or go to the gym, and i’d turn on an endless rotation of star wars movies for jordan and i to watch before i had to take him to his next week’s place (phantom menace was our favorite cause darth maul was just cool ok, dont judge).

anyway, the last day i ever stayed at my moms house, my brother was there. and i must have been twenty or twenty one because he would have only been around seventeen. but even at seventeen he was well over six foot five cause he got all the height in the family which was totally not fair but thats besides the point. so while i was there my mom flew into one of her alcohol induced rages, and took it all out on my brother. i had intellectually figured that all the anger my mom used to take out on me had then transferred to my brother once i stopped living there every other week, but up until that point i hadn’t actually seen it. she started shoving him, and punching him, and not enough so it would hurt much, because as i said he was well over six feet and she was barely five six, so he could pretty well block any thing she dished out. but he was cornered, and he looked scared. and i was hiding useless on the stairwell, crying, and begging mom to stop. and it only stopped cause jordan managed to slip out the front door and once he escaped mom went back into the kitchen, still yelling and angry. and i took the chance to grab my school bag and leave in solidarity. and my brother and i stood there awkwardly on the porch, me still crying, and him smoking and trying to look cool and not like he just got chased out of the apartment by a woman half his size. and i promised him we wouldnt go back until she calmed down, and that she was being unreasonable and he didnt deserve any of it, and id figure out somewhere to go. and we started walking down the sidewalk, but not together because we were never that close. he wandered off somewhere to smoke. and that’s as far as i remember.

this day came up in conversation with my grandma in the months after grandpa’s death, during one of our many three am can’t sleep conversations in grandma’s kitchen (grandma would wake up, i’d hear her get out of bed and wake up too. she’d make herself tea and eat some graham crackers and we’d sit together at the table feeling the third empty chair like an ache). grandma brought it up, because apparently, even though i cant remember this at all, i had my no/kia brick phone in my school bag (a minor miracle because i hated carrying around cell phones for the longest time), and i actually called grandma. and grandpa and her came to pick me up, and they found me sitting on a wall a block away from my mom’s apartment, and then we drove around till we found jordan, and then we all went back to my grandparent’s house. after bringing this up, grandma then, completely unprompted, told me something that child me thought about regularly - she said that even though her mom died when she was 8, leaving her to help raise her two younger siblings, grandma thought in some ways it was easier than what my brother and i went through with the divorce and my mom leaving. i used to regularly - not wish my mom dead, exactly - but wish i could pretend she was dead, rather than her just not being there anymore. especially since, when i was suddenly thrown into being her sole emotional and physical punching bag now that dad wasn’t filling the role anymore, a lot of the times being around her post divorce was not a good thing. (I cut off all contact with my mom finally at age 25 and haven’t looked back)

so yeah, i was fucking pissed that i had worked so hard to try to mitigate the damage i caused by leaving jordan alone with my mom for pretty much the entirety of my high school years...only to have my dad kick him out barely a few years after i left for college and thus putting my brother at my mom’s mercy. ostensibly my dad kicked my brother out because of his drug addictions, but my brother was the most mild mannered addict i’ve ever known. the worst thing he ever did was steal a couple hundred dollars from me, but he never got violent, he never got angry. other people got angry at him. my aunt once tried to fight him in a hospital elevator because he sold my cousin heroin or meth or some shit and my cousin ended up impaling a knife in his chest in front of my grandma, which is a whole nother story. but jordan was only nineteen when that happened. my cousin? thirty six. and a long time violent and angry drug addict with a record (he threw a book at his professor’s head and got kicked out of grad school while on cocaine once, which is how he ended up back in washington state and needing a new drug dealer - hence my brother suddenly getting involved) (same cousin later flew into a drug fueled rage in his forties and almost beat his girlfriend to death) (my brother was long since clean by then and had nothing to do with our cousin getting drugs at that point)

all this to say my dad’s rich bitch new wife didn’t think a drug addict and mentally ill artist fit into her picture perfect family, so dad started making it clear we were not welcome at family functions unless we complied with very strict rules. ironically, jordan was let back into the fold first partially because i can hold a grudge for a very long time and i was very very terrified of my mom and dad was the sane stable one and i had trusted him to take care of everything even without me there and dad had failed pretty spectacularly at that. im still bitter at my dad for his secret marriage and subsequent moving into her million dollar mansion and throwing my brother out. but also partially because jordan started following all of dad’s rules, got himself cleaned up (he moved in with his girlfriend, and i think being out of mom’s house had a lot to do with getting over his addictions), started studying computer science, found a really good software engineering job, suddenly dad approved of him. i also partially antagonized rich bitch wife by doing silly things like wearing black leather pants and the most provocative clothes i owned whenever i went over to their house. rich bitch was a very simple narrow minded person with a lot of prejudices. i imagine i was not seen as a good influence on her two younger daughters. and eventually they stopped seeing me altogether. even when i was living in washington for all of 2017 - the only time i ever saw dad was when he’d come visit my grandparents alone. the day before i took grandma on the train to move to ohio, we were supposed to all have dinner together at our family’s favorite place to eat out - crossroads mall - and the rich bitch refused to show up. that’s how petty she is. she also is so dumb she’s under the delusion that kids get into drugs if they don’t have dogs (????) so that’s why she forced my dad to get a dog for her spoiled brat youngest when the girl went into high school. my dad dislikes animals, so i will say one of the highlights of this marriage is seeing my dad become a dog person. the rich bitch and her daughters mostly ignore the dog, but my dad is so attached to max that he even lets the little puppy sit in his lap while driving. anyway, anyone who thinks dogs are the sole answer to preventing drug addictions can go to hell.

yeah, blah blah blah, to sum up its WEIRD for my dad to suddenly be texting my brother and i unprompted, and asking me about my life and my plans. i dont really know how to deal. i miss him. he was always the closest person in my life to the point where even when i moved away for college, i still assumed after i graduated i’d just move back in with dad so it was only four years being gone, cause why would i ever want to live anywhere else?. i kept thinking if i could hit some level of success that he would approve of, that maybe eventually i could become somebody his rich bitch wife would associate with. but that never happened, obviously.

#journal shit #christmas is family time right????

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perfectionistincrisis · 7 years

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Day 90 (Life these days in general..Part 1)

Wow 90! So i don’t usually count every day and all. Usually count the days all over again when I sit to post. I felt like blogging today! nothing about the specific day but just life in general. me blabbering :)

hmph so lets see what do i have to say.

Okay so um. well ever since Ramadan was over i never really got back to sleeping at night and all, usually stay up till fajr. i did sleep though for like um around 3 nights but anyways that didnt work out. now this went further to me staying up even after fajr um not willingly though but mostly cause i couldnt sleep. like i used to try but i couldnt. and then it was cause i used to work out after fajr. well then i kind of was able to fall asleep after fajr so yeah i mostly stay up till fajr but um till i ‘pray’ fajr i mean and after praying tahajjud i get really lazy and pray fajr a bit late. just a bit. Oh my gosh! i talk so much... all i wanted to say was i go to sleep after praying fajr nowadays Ughhh the end! but today i have to - i repeat - HAVE TO - stay up. its not an option but more like an obligation cause i didnt work out today but i have to or else that “roughly” losing 1 kg per week thing is going to get screwed!

So yeah you can see. i am SO lazy. that even if i HAVE TO do something, i will delay it till the last moment - a perfect procrastinator :)

Oh also today was so ()*$&Q%(&%)(*@()$)W($. I had an appointment in the morning so had to get up, turns out i have some mild UTI ._. but the doctor doesnt think that is the reason why my labs say bacterial infection. so now i have to see a hematologist. like UGH i really am sick and tired of going to docs -_-

Oh what else about my days. Oh ya! So Idk I get really scared when i think of studies. Its kinda like i feel really useless and worthless. like i dont know anything, i dont remember anything and all that. SO theres this fear and for that i decided to revise everything this summer and well also i need to start doing it anyways cause of the international exams ill be having to give. Ill talk about those in another post some other time when its relevant but for now. its just that. im so worried ill be in a mess when uni starts, cause i dont remember anything i learned in med school. plus feeling low because of it and all. Like i really need to build up a LOT & LOT of confidence and the only way i can is by actually knowing my shit & that is by spending some time studying and all. it would really help me a lot - and by help i dont mean ‘help academically by nailing it when uni starts’ but i mean “mentally”; to boost my confidence and all and since its all in the hospital now, i really need to be confident and have a strong personality and believe in myself and all or else im dooomed.

ok so yes i try to spend time studying. that makes working out and studying my priorities. working out is something i can not do overnight and that is why im kind of doing it better than the studying. Although im very very lazy about working out too though. What drives me to try my best doing both of these is that if i dont, it will eat me up! make me depressed and feel low and i dont want to knowingly do damage to myself considering the weekly mood swings and episodes of extreme darkness i experience anyways and its out of my hands to control that.

so yessss, i work out and whenever i do, i make sure its THREE hours. like i said earlier, i prioritise time more than the speed of the treadmill but i try to increase it though a little but not much cause i always keep thinking of last summer when i got diagnose by rheumatoid after i used to do 4.5 hours of treadmill a day at a quite moderate speed, not so low.

also i dont workout everyday duh, i try my best to do at least 3 days per week, 3 hours each day. and the other times, i study. i use ‘first aid for usmle 2017′ as the main source and ‘pathoma’. and yeah dr google :)

Other than that, i go outside for shopping. i mean the past month weve been going for shopping a lot, sometimes even 2 or even 3 malls a day cause my brothers going to leave soon and theres so much to buy and all. well now almost have everything pretty much. so i dont go outside every single day since last week but before that id go every single day.

other times i spend with my mom, i mean shes working like 24 7 gosh so like i stand next to her or sit and stuff and just idk do nothing or talk sometimes, and laugh and blabla.

oh i kind of like staying away from my phone. its peaceful. i mean not like i even so anything on my phone other than go through like 4 social media apps - insta, snapchat, tumblr and twitter. just randomly scroll scroll scroll switch app and repeat scrolling xD but then like when youre literally away from the phone, it feels good :) although idk whenever i sit to study i automatically take the phone, i mean scrolling through apps doing nothing is actually WAY more interesting than even attempting to read a line from the book ._. so i kind of need to turn off my phone sometimes, but mostly i end up scrolling :) :) :) :)

Aha so thats pretty much what i do entire day. lol ? What is it that i do ? :3 nothing ik :)

i am not currently really interested in watching any series all day. i only watch series while im on the treadmill!

GOD I talk so much, i still have so much to write about but i gta go now! :)

xox

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iesharael-blog · 5 years

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1/5/19 Happy New Year

ok im gonna be honest... I dont remember the past 5 days other than i’m sick and can barely breath and i mad the mistake of going to the movies with some friends. i wanted to see mary poppins again so me and 4 friends were gonna go, well after we already planned that, one made me really uncomfortable when he was drunk messaging me and not accepting that i did not want a relationship with him. even going so far as to say he hates my ex simply cause he got me first. so im gonna call these friends A B C (as well as D and E to explain backstory) and explain who they are with a little key so i can give the story without being revealing of identities and what not.

Me - [fem] myself. I’ve know them for a little over 20 years and they tend to be a complete child and was treated as the child of friends back in high school and cared for as such. highly susceptible to emotional manipulation especially from people they trust

A - [fem] my best friend since 5th grade who i fondly refer to as my mama bear. my amazing protector of both physical and emotional battle grounds. the very person who’s house i ran to when i needed time away from my parents to figure things out before asking for therapy.

B - [male] twat i met my junior year who i started calling dad at some point and has since become completely unstable. very egotistical and leaves arguments if he isn’t winning constantly playing the victim card.

C - [male] guy who i was randomly introduced to through his younger brother adding him to a discord server i run as an attempt to shut down my ex for daring to call the unholy texts that are The Harry Potter Series “mediocre” (i also have his phone number randomly cause i used to know his twin) and has been friends with B for a while even going so far as to have a running joke of them being in a relationship even tho they are both straight.

D - [fem] B’s ex who i refer to as step mama and who tends to be fairly motherly towards me

E - [male] dude i was friends with in highschool and who was good friends with B

My Ex - [male] still on very good terms and he is very caring towards me. he tries to make sure im doing whats best for me and not letting anyone manipulate or harm me

ok that was bigger than i expected but im sick im not thinking straight so this gonna be a bit weird and long... ok heres the story:

so im all like “hey i wanna see Mary Poppins again!” and B and C are like yeah lets go! with B immediately stating how he had planned to see it with B before they broke up, already putting a slight damper on the thing but we got past it. a day or two after i end up with me and B agreeing (timestamp 9:30) to message on discord between 11-12 as well as set up a server for us and his little sis to play on. (the wait was for him watching doctor who with his family) so i shower and puzzle and finally with no word by 11:42 i message him asking for when he thinks he will be on to which i get the message “I don’t know I’m really drunk it’s gonna be a blast “... and now a transcript of what followed next copied word for word (well privacy edits) time stamps (and spelling errors) included:

ME Last Sunday at 11:44 PM

but i guess mary poppins day discusion will wait for tomorow

me and your sister agreed on doing ftb sky adventers

B Last Sunday at 11:45 PM

Btw

Hehe

I shouldn’t say it

ME Last Sunday at 11:45 PM

say it

cant say btw then not say it

dick

B Last Sunday at 11:46 PM

Well

Uhm

ME Last Sunday at 11:46 PM

yes?

B Last Sunday at 11:46 PM

I’m unhappy with [MY EX]

Because I was maybe going to ask you out

I can say this because I’m drunk

ME Last Sunday at 11:47 PM

omg lol (in the this is a funniy situation way, not laughing at you)

thought you were repulesed by me? yeesh [B] keep your story straight

after all i did like you a bit before i met [MY EX], but hes always nice and youre... drunk nice

so eta for server mister cassanova?

B Last Sunday at 11:51 PM

No I want to be nice to you sober too but for some reason I get scared so I hide behind lies

Idk a while

Tonight

ME Last Sunday at 11:51 PM

you dont have to be scared, im just shocking

B Last Sunday at 11:52 PM

Well if we go to Mary poppins

Even with [C], who I’d like to be there

Maybe a mini date?

ME Last Sunday at 11:52 PM

no.

B Last Sunday at 11:52 PM

Aqwww

ME Last Sunday at 11:52 PM

sorry but i cant date again not yet

B Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

I’m gonna be sad

ME Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

i told you why me and [MY EX] broke up

B Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

But when I’m sober I’m going to regret most of this

ME Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

its not good for me to be in a relationship rn

B Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

I know

Well

Actually

ME Last Sunday at 11:54 PM

look if things dont work out with [MY EX] once my brain is on the path to fixed then we will see, until then dont wait up for me

B Last Sunday at 11:54 PM

I think you do need to be with at least someone because when you are depressed and thrown out of it you need someone to relate to and talk and make you feel comforted and loved

Time alone isn’t the answer

ME Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

except i have friends for that hon

B Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

Yeah

You dooo

ME Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

you dont need a relationship relationship

i have a [A]

B Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

Well

Is she helping

Are you loved

ME Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

i talk to her about everything mental

i talk to [IRRELEVANT MALE FRIEND] about physical questions

creepy right? well this kept going with me getting more and more uncomfortable and refusing to accept that i dont want a relationship (a quote from B in reference to my ex: “ He might be your daddy, but I’m your daddy” tf? and yes he bolded) to the point that i was just sticking around so hed put a server up for the pack. then a bit before 2 o’clock i say that im gonna get off at 2 cause that when i had planned to, to which he (im not sure if intentionally) manipulated me into staying on till 3 o’clock because he would tell me about a personal thing i was curious about. finally 3 o’clock comes around, we call and i hear the story and once the server is up he tells me hes gonna go play league with some people (note random online people not irl people he supposedly likes) and will be back in 20 mins. i figure what the hay ill wait. 40 mins later he says hes not getting back on... obviously im furious. (screen shot of convo i sent to someone day of to explain without having to retype - im red)

next day comes and im uncomfortable and C ends up buying minecraft so he can play with me on the server, we get in call with a now sober B when he gets on and i confront him about the messages even sharing screens for proof (i learned its best not to 1v1 argue him cause im easy to manipulate) and he claims to not remember it but whenever C is away during the call he says things that sound slightly suggestive. at this point id like to note that i have a full recording of me scrolling through the messages as an unlisted video on my youtube channel and have sent it to people who with no prior suggestion have described it as “rapey” and warned me against him. my ex in particular warned me that i am very susceptible to an abusive relationship rn due to my mental state and that he seemed very unstable. at this i decided to invite A to go to mary poppins too since she would be a good protector of me should anything happen and to have a more familiar presence there.

now here is the juicy part. so D was talking to C where C was complaining how clingy B was becoming and how creepy he was being towards me so she quickly messages me on snap warning me that he is a ‘manipulative possessive jerk who will see me as nothing but an object to conquer and get mad when you are unhappy’ after hearing this i rembered B’s story about D cheating on him with E before D and E got together and started to wonder how true that was. me and D had a lovely conversation following that about my singular past relationship and her current one and blah blah blah.

MOVIE DAY: (C canceled the night before so now it is just me B and A going) we get picked up by A and all seems well with everyone being friendly and B seeming kinda cautious. i think hes regretting the convo so i decide to be nice. the movie was great and we decide to hang in the mall after (i made a build a bear). so while we were hanging at one point he scared me when after he provoked me into my light face wacks (cat play pretty much, wouldnt damage the most fragile ice) he grabs my hand to stop me and me thinking “oooo game fun!” i start to dig my nail into his hand to get let go of but instead of him reacting how i expected (letting go so i can escape) he looks at me with the scariest most serious face ive ever seen and (this part still scares me) says “you dont want to go down this path” he finally lets go and i go sit by the hot topic earing displays while A and B look at buttons then when B sits next to me while A waits to pay he basically called my claw abuse. (like what? you grab my hand hard enough that it hurt when i was doing the same playful banter weve done for years and apparently im the abuser cause i do my standard get away strategy of hurting the hand thats holding me? what did you expect me to do? just comply and calmly stand there with my hand held above y head in yours?) after we leave hottopic we are in the car and somehow we get to the topic of the drunk conversation.

so im talking and trying to explain how uncomfortable he made me( and how i was afraid to be alone around him and how i had been scared remembering that he not only knows where i live but where the spare key is!!!!) and i dare use the word “rapey” ... lets see if i can get a definition for yall but first ill say how i use that word - “rapey. an adjective to describe a situation in which one party becomes uncomfortable and afraid to the point that they feel if this continues they could be raped or otherwise hurt/abused in the future” - and now the second definition from urban dictionary: “Rapey A guy who's creepy, and hugs or kisses inappropriately. He has a rapist lure. You don't think he would do it but definitely gives off that vibe. i.e. creepy hugger at the office.” - now i apparently made a huge error in daring to use that word to describe the conversation where he would not accept me saying no to a relationship (and at one point asked me my ex’s dick size - which i did not give) and continously stated how using words liek that could end up getting him in jail. A and i look at eachother incredulously and try to argue with him a bit but ultimately decide to just get back to the point and bring it back to how uncomfortable i was and how he needs to change his attitude and appologize but he keeps bringing it back to that word. fianlly im close to tears and mutely hugging my yoshi in the front seat and the whole car goes silent. A offers that i sleep over tonight which i decline knowing im sick and need my bed and we talk a bit about my ex and goign out for ramen with him sometime. once i was home i removed B from discord snap and steam and will remove him next time im on league as well. he was removed from my server and i left any i had in common with him. i am done trying to forgive him.

on a brighter note i got sims 4 cause C bought it for me since i couldn't refund his ticket i prepaid for and im learning how to get better from this stupid dry throat. hopefully ill be better by Tuesday so i can go back to work at the library!

thanks for reading! <3

i know this was a long one and probably makes half sense cause of the code letters and the fact that i am writing this while very light headed <3

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fertile-delirium-blog · 7 years

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You know, everything I ever worked towards, care about, love or have been lucky to come across or been given an opportunity to, I’ve always gotten to a point where I fuck everything up realise where I went wrong or what I keep getting told I do or am and honestly everyone I ever believed enough to let in and be a bit of the real me or all of the real me, since I was little, I been trying to run from this sadness that I later found out is developed or called depression that I realise, I’ve never understood it, I never thought id have mental illness and I ran, I denied for so long.. people telling me I need help, I had a system that worked, a system that never allowed me to be verbally honest with anyone enough to actually get to know me , without the fear and what ifs that I now know is anxiety, funny I never really, really knew what it was but turns out the two together destroy my life, ever since high school, ive wanted to continually improve myself no matter what anyone said and the same time I maintained an image where I made myself make everyone view me the opposite of what I felt I was, when im angry, im actually upset, I made myself seem like I was okay enough n making it on my own so people wouldn’t view me as weak or a being who needed sympathy or attention or some street kid goimg nowhere when really, for too long all I wanted was to find where I belong n do what in my heart I felt n feel like will come back, be music that expresses things I can’t say or feels weird coming out of this mouth that isnt mine, dont feel right. Communication.. something ive never had real, experience with.. was mainly mute other than my outward image for my protection and other peoples shit for so many years before I met her, she made me want to talk, opened up n be the me I feel I am on the inside, but, how easy did I really think it was gonna be? …a lot easier than it was/is.. I’ve always been a lone wolf.. why did I think I could have a family life like that when… I convinced myself with this act I was over shit I wasn’t, that was my fuck up this is all before I fell in love and its funny… it’s a boy cries wolf story, she loved me.. I loved her but something in me didn’t let me properly love her the way I should’ve but if I knew then what I know, my god things would be different and this is what I was afraid of.. completely giving in to her that… I wouldn’t care about myself as much just wanted to make her n kids happy, that’s what made me happy that’s the reason for my being as the opportunity to do so after terrible things n times had us far away for a long time and realised that they the family I chose to have n m sorry I let you all down I’m sorry my bpd, bipolar depressive states is what im trying to focus on to gwt better, since I actually believed everyone but 18 years of unsaid, undealt with and put away in the black box f nothing, isn’t easy to unfold , realise grow, accept, change, love, heal myself and be what was wanted or needed to best of my ability, truth is with her, this focus on making my life a certain way disappeared, never thought it would happen.. i want to do n cater n help n just be n do or try to what it s she wanted if me, I tried I fucked up in the beginning, but still pay to this day.. sigh the balance of who I on the inside is out of whack n has changed.. I don’t think anyone ever did I thought I showed n expressed enough to understand, I guess, if im too sick to love I shouldn’t get on the way of where she wants to go n do, its a shame really, right girl wrong time, don’t care if we were meant to be or not the universe chose you that I loved that much I wanted to make a life, thins I did out of spite, jealousy, anger, major depressive states too much drugs or too long on drugs wasn’t really me, the me I thought you knew n loved was that you made me happy, only person to do that that’s not my siblings.. then there are your beautiful kids I’ve let down too many times.. idk what made me think I deserved you 3.. maybe the fact that I was hoping we all changed n we were happy, we were, that’s not fantasy, we had some great, great times ill never let go of wanted my career I chased for since I was a kid n ended up getting n wanted to have the normal family as well but I chose them in the end n always will but I gotta keep away for her, for them.. every time I get into this stupid certain major depressive state.. I do things to make it harder on myself but you know what the problem is.. the real me is hidden in a cube within and I can see everything.. and that’s not the real me. That’s something dark attached to me that wants to keep me hidden away.. so how do I defeat this other person I’m watching from the inside take over a beautiful physical being I don’t feel is mine and causing such pain for both her, I and my ex gf and her kids and tearing everything that’s mine (the inside) and hers(outside) causing such hate n was for each other n causes such distress for those who actually love me.. I would like you, any of you to hold my hand throughout me getting better.. but I also know I’ve had my times with help n no help n I run away.. I know how hard it is for anyone to love me.. or be there for me I want all to be happy n move on with their lives get And do things the deserve.. I don’t wanna hold anyone back jus because they care.. I’ve been alone since I was little.. may as well stay alone to the end.. cant bear to love.. there’s only her I will never have kids, it’ll always be them, don’t want to cause pain because I’m hard to love because I’m sad with myself n wanna make you happy same time.. god how did I get here.. I got nothing n no one.. at all n all I had before her was a dream I made into reality then set bar higher only to fall that fucking hard to be half the reason I hate myself and before that tried to be an accepted part of my family n moved on to my dream knowing my family will never know.. what ive felt, how low I sank at the age of 8, understand or acce ppl t me enough.. the most truth I can give them is that I want to die cos im not good enough for this world.. items are not feelings, being raped and beaten for 5 yrs of my childhood n being too scared to tell anyone due to death threats then once it comes into the open is apologetic and sad for then my mum gets angry at me cos she cant accept it sober,.. I do blame him.. but I also know that its my fault ive let him win and affect me as a person n how I grow for so long and being told o can do something bout it going to yoir mum n her telling me its no use they wont find anything too late to be then told 5 yrs later that, I can still do something about it.. and I havent.. all these little bits and pieces make sense from the moment of my mums impregnation to now that maybe, just maybe I was never supposed to have been born.. I don’t belong on this world, I was an unwanted mistake that had no friends got bullied, raped, beaten as a child to getting away from that man that is your brothers dad also and my brother ended up being my best friend mid teens to not even know what a friend is other than knowing not to let anyone know the bad I been through and alone.. always have been alone no one sees the me that stands behind this beautiful, sad but always fake smiling so i don’t seem so broken shell of mine.. no one can hear me but the people in my head and none of them want to let me out.. guess I don’t deserve anything else but being alone trying to fight people I can only hear.. if I used to see any of them..when I did see silhouetted bodies before I had too many drugs and certain.. things went away.. im sorry I blocked you out.. oh silhouetted bodies I miss you.. as scary as it would be sometimes.. you always helped me be strong enough for the next step, if it is you that torments me today.. why? And if it isn’t.. is it just mental illness?. Or is it so much more than that..

Was I killed or kill myself too early in past life I went straight through to this one??.. from the moment I was born I was not meant to exist.. im sorry to the people who love and care for me… none of you will see me again.. ill save you all the energy, the stress and the pain I’ve previously caused due to my own mind and my feelings but know if you could hear me.. not this voice of mine verbally.. but if you or i could translate it or if you could hear my inside voice I promise that all would be understandable.. no confusion, no bullshit, no actions I didnt make but she or they did.. they just want to break me.. all but one laugh at me, mock me, talk to me and then to her on the outside as a fucking game or to make us continually clash and that ruins me, my ex gf, and well because of all that I distanced from kids when asked.. and have gotten so far it breaks my god damn heart.. gonna be like my brother, like my sister.. cant be apart of their life, cant watch them grow but silently love all 3 of them silently from afar.. I don’t want anyone to love me and I don’t want to love anymore than I already do as long these people and depression n whatever else they say I got continues to win this fight.. hopefully at the moment.. they make m e want to die. For silence, no more memories, feelings and they make it known that this is not my body.. I a excluded from all beings.. even the one I reside in.. no support. Don’t want friends, don’t want family.. I just wish I could’ve gotten better for the ones I love and who love me.. im sorry .. I dont want a life anymore. I really realize .. I was not meant to.. I hope that everyone I love will hate me, already does,or will and can forget me.. I did have some real, real hapy good times with you mum, lola, jaiden, mia, rachele, LJh and TRh.. sorry Ive said and done some fucked up things and I hope if you do remember or think of me it wont always be bad because I had and was a genuine happy and fun girl at times. Especially with you guys. And im sorry if you guys dont know which ones are real and fake..im sorry .. I wanna get better but realising I was never meant to be here,n if I was it was to be alone n silent I was right tho.. im not here to have a life for me or make one for myself nd hurt people in process. I love in times of darkness and undenying voices… I dont need your care.. I dont want you to feel sorry I just hope when you think back on me maybe.. youll see the peaks of the inside me get let put due to the help from my outside n i ts something we don’t n wont talk bout..I wont make anyone put up with me just because they are or I am loved. Not anymore.. I love you all.. hope everyone gets what the want and deserve. And to the parents of whos kids I love as my own then just fucking distanced due to how I am not thinking boit if or how itd affect them.. im sorry fo all the wrong ive done by them but know how happy and grateful I am for you guys bringing them into this world.. we all know im shit at doing what im supposed to and moat times I was shit to them.. I dlnt k know if i t was noticeable but I did try.. but thank you for letting be apart of that and being “snips”.. and giving me a chance to love them and treat them like my own I wish I did better with all of you, their family, my family im sorry whatever this thing is im just sorry I ruined some good things and hurt people I love n who love me.. never again.

I love you all.. I feel like I didnt get to say it all.. but, o can’t keep crying.. I been typing for 2 hrs… I will be making another account and this will be my lalst post as mariah elrington. To the world and the people I love… im sorry. I hope ypu forgive me and see the good person I always tried to be I will love yo and appreciate you all forever.. im sorry that since I came to world I was doomed to be nothing but a problem but I swear.. I swear on everything… I always try to be better but fall harder.. doing this on my own and voices, my thoughts and the opinion of those who love me see the opposite to what im doing or how I am.. its really hard.. ive never done it this mentally tough before.. well on drugs trippin on non real stuff but this.. this is real life and for once, I dont have anyone to talk to even on a vague level.. not even a pen and paper.. this, this is all so o guess thank you tumblr idk how worst id be without you ..I love you all… this is the fkn truth.. I never meant for it any of it to be als bad as they are between my two families I love. I hope you can get it right, now without me, the problem, the burden,.the dralin and be happy I meam that from thr deep.side of my heart, I really hope I haven’t fucked it enough you wont recover.. but I may be a bit over my head.. they won’t care.. I mean they will for a short time,, but will be happy not long after no Im not saying im gonna kill myself, we all know I can’t. But none of you will see or hear from me again.. because I love you. And I love you alll im deeply sorry I couldn’t express or show it enough for that you guys to believe that a whole lot or know the extent of how much with how ive been but ti my blood family and made family… I love you all so much its because of you gus im doing this for you other wise ill never leave y'all alone cos I need y'all but can’t and won’t hurt anyone but myself anymore.. almost 3 hrs writing.. I still got more to say but gonna leave it there.. god damn it,I love you and I do hope my whole family have a good life n im sorry I ruined the parts of it that I did but be worry free I dont want anyone trying to reach out to me after this. Wil be ignored or unseen..

I love my families and im sorry I couldn’t get it right to be good enough well enough to not negatively affect you.

Have a great life, drink, party, love do the things you want and think o f me as okay if it helps just please,if you love me dont ever get worried.. dont ever assume anything just be be fucking happy, experience, travel, grow Chase dreams.. trust, they are possible no matter situation, lonliness or head space,long as you believe youre gonna.make i t real and do what you gptta to make it gappen, if some like me not even suppose to be alive can do it, you strong, smart beautiful family of mine I believe in you.. to all of you every age. and each everyone of you deserve it. The good fun or happy life with its obvious small obstacles that isn’t as stressful or hard t fix asits been as of late..

I am sorry. I love nd appreciate you all. And you will all always be in my mind And my hearts im sorry im too mental im sorry for all ive done.

I love you all.

Goodbye forever.. all 7 of you ill love always. Pls keep the good bout me in your hearts if you can’t forget. I miss you all like crazy wish I could see you all again to give a goodbye hug.. but a visioned one is gonna have to do. Know that’s the last thing youd recieve from me if that were the case.

Goodbye my precious family I loved dearly but took for granted and couldnt get better.. im sorry I put you all through so much. I really am I wish all of you could see how much love I got for each and everyone of you cos I know I didnt do that good of a job to make sure it was known but I hope it is not.. love you please be happy for me too, if its worth anything to any of you, cos idk how long it'll take to feel it again.

Goodbye fams.

-Mariah Elrington

#personal #this time for real

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vinnystreets-blog · 5 years

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All 10 Play Summaries and Analyses + Monologues

Julius Caesar is the story, mostly of the aftermath of Caesar’s death. There are essentially two schools of thought regarding the character of Caesar himself. One is that his arrogance is what leads to his death, as numerous warning signs are greeted with apathy my Caesar. The other theory is that fatalism or divine intervention brings about the events which occur on the Ides of March. I favor the latter interpretation, as Caesar’s death is also the result of Cassius’ envy and pride, Brutus’ dependence on others to do his thinking for him, and Antony’s hedonism which distracts him from protecting his friend and sovereign. One monologue from Marc Antony stands out as an exceptionally emotional piece to include. Shakespeare is always more brilliant than anyone when it comes to conveying attachment and emotion in written form:

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears;

I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.

The evil that men do lives after them;

The good is oft interred with their bones;

So let it be with Caesar. The noble Brutus

Hath told you Caesar was ambitious:

If it were so, it was a grievous fault,

And grievously hath Caesar answer’d it.

Here, under leave of Brutus and the rest–

For Brutus is an honourable man;

So are they all, all honourable men–

Come I to speak in Caesar’s funeral.

He was my friend, faithful and just to me:

But Brutus says he was ambitious;

And Brutus is an honourable man.

He hath brought many captives home to Rome

Whose ransoms did the general coffers fill:

Did this in Caesar seem ambitious?

When that the poor have cried, Caesar hath wept:

Ambition should be made of sterner stuff:

Yet Brutus says he was ambitious;

And Brutus is an honourable man.

You all did see that on the Lupercal

I thrice presented him a kingly crown,

Which he did thrice refuse: was this ambition?

Yet Brutus says he was ambitious;

And, sure, he is an honourable man.

I speak not to disprove what Brutus spoke,

But here I am to speak what I do know.

You all did love him once, not without cause:

What cause withholds you then, to mourn for him?

O judgment! thou art fled to brutish beasts,

And men have lost their reason. Bear with me;

My heart is in the coffin there with Caesar,

And I must pause till it come back to me.

2. Jesus Christ Superstar is in many ways a parallel story to that of Julius Caesar , and not just because JC is the main character. It begins with Judas criticizing Jesus’ popularity in much the same way the conspirators in the beginning of Julius Caesar do. Judas criticizes Jesus’ vulnerability and weakness just like Caesar was humanized by Cassius and Brutus’ conversation. What does exist in JCSS is more of a dialogue between the titular character and his followers. Judas is quick to criticize Jesus’ flaws without looking at his own ambitions. In this same way, Brutus believes he is looking out for the people of Rome, but fails to examine his own or Cassius’ reasons for violence and acquisition of power thoroughly.

Uniquely, the play touches on specific instances of how such a man as Jesus would have lived, maintaining relative biblical accuracy while taking creative liberties. The scene in which Jesus tries to heal the lepers, only to be overwhelmed exhibits the struggle of draining oneself to take care of others. Mary Magdalene then struggles with loving Jesus, as how does one love someone without destroying a part of what that person is, or trying to possess them? The only monologue/ solo song I could find that I wanted to do is for Jesus’ tenor part, but maybe one day I can pull it off:

JESUS

I only want to say

If there is a way,

Take this cup away from me,

For I don't want to taste its poison.

Feel it burn me, I have changed,

I'm not as sure as when we started.

Then I was inspired,

Now I'm sad and tired.

Listen surely I've exceeded expectations

Tried for three years seems like thirty,

Could you ask as much from any other man?

But if I die,

See the saga through and do the things you ask of me.

Let them hate me, hit me, hurt me, nail me to their tree.

I'd want to know, I'd want to know, my God.

Want to know, I'd want to know, my God.

Want to see, I'd want to see, my God.

Why I should die?

Would I be more noticed than I ever was before?

Would the things I've said and done matter any more?

I'd have to know, I'd have to know, my Lord.

Have to know, I'd have to know, my Lord.

Have to see, I'd have to see, my Lord.

If I die what will be my reward?

Have to know, I'd have to know, my Lord.

Why should I die?

Oh, why should I die?

Can you show me now that I would not be killed in vain?

Show me just a little of your omnipresent brain.

Show me there's reason for your wanting me to die,

You're far to keen on where and how and not so hot on why.

Alright, I'll die!

Just watch me die!

See how I die!

Then I was inspired,

Now I'm sad and tired

After all I've tried for three years, seems like ninety,

Why then am I scared to finish what I started,

What you started - I didn't started it.

God, die will is hard,

But you hold every card.

I will drink your cup of poison,

Nail me to your cross and break me,

Bleed me, beat me, kill me, take me now - before I change my mind

3. Macbeth - William Shakespeare: Though Macbeth wasn’t my favorite play at first, as I failed to see how it differed greatly from Julius Caesar in terms of general themes, I later came to enjoy it upon reflection. Macbeth mirrors Brutus in that he is a good man brought to crime by circumstance and ambition. Unlike Brutus, he has his ambition and pride guarded by a supernatural prophecy in which he believes wholeheartedly. Macbeth paints the picture that while hard work is important, ambition unchecked by morality is not viable. Furthermore, the harder one grasps onto power and status, the more quickly they seem to fly away. The true depth of Shakespeare’s work comes mostly not from examining what transpired, but creatively imagining how things could have turned out differently.

If it were done when ’tis done, then ’twere well

It were done quickly. If th’assassination

Could trammel up the consequence, and catch

With his surcease success: that but this blow

Might be the be-all and the end-all, here,

But here upon this bank and shoal of time,

We’d jump the life to come. But in these cases

We still have judgement here, that we but teach

Bloody instructions which, being taught, return

To plague th’inventor. This even-handed justice

Commends th’ingredience of our poisoned chalice

To our own lips. He’s here in double trust:

First, as I am his kinsman and his subject,

Strong both against the deed; then, as his host,

Who should against his murderer shut the door,

Not bear the knife myself. Besides, this Duncan

Hath borne his faculties so meek, hath been

So clear in his great office, that his virtues

Will plead like angels, trumpet-tongued against

The deep damnation of his taking-off,

And pity, like a naked new-born babe,

Striding the blast, or heaven’s cherubin, horsed

Upon the sightless couriers of the air,

Shall blow the horrid deed in every eye

That tears shall drown the wind. I have no spur

To prick the sides of my intent, but only

Vaulting ambition which o’erleaps itself

And falls on th’other.

What I like particularly about this soliloquy is that Macbeth seems to have knowledge that this deed will not be the last, and when he ends, seems to resolve not to kill Duncan. Yet I imagine those seeing it for the first time rarely imagined that this resolve would only last until his wife returned to convince him once again to murder his liege. The reversing of gender roles in her strong will is unique, but is also paid karmically in turn when Lady Macbeth cannot bear the guilt of murders committed by her word on her conscience.

4. Death of a Salesman - Arthur Miller: Though DoS strikes many as a tragedy regarding the mundane workforce lifestyle, capitalist competitivism and mental illness, I see more as a tragedy in Willy’s failure to be a good father figure. From the beginning of the play, he is critical while taking little action. This is perfectly understandable, one of the continually stressed themes of the play is the great fatigue put on Willy by his job and travel. It may very well have killed him. But he also commits adultery, chooses, a profession which he clearly has no passion or talent for, fails to assist or guide his children morally or practically, etc.

Despite this, one can’t help but pity him. He’s wise enough to regret some of his choices, like not going off to Alaska with his brother. And he still makes a fair deal of effort to support his family. It’s just that his miserable job, lack of friends, mental illness and general difficult circumstances overwhelm him. Linda seemed like a very flawed character to me. She tries to support Willy, but can’t muster up the courage or will to drive him to change his situation the way Lady Macbeth does with her husband, albeit she goes too far. At the end, she says, “we’re free.” This is a hauntingly familiar feeling for anyone who has lost a loved one who was also a burden to them.

And when I saw that, I realized that selling was the greatest career a man could want. ’Cause what could be more satisfying than to be able to go, at the age of eighty-four, into twenty or thirty different cities, and pick up a phone, and be remembered and loved and helped by so many different people?

5. The Crucible - Arthur Miller: I enjoyed this more than Death of a Salesman for a couple of reasons. The first was that, While DoS is an American tragedy written for a modern audience (modern at the time), Crucible is a play set in a foreign time and somewhat foreign culture which already seems to take some of the qualities of a historical artifact. What do I mean by this? I mean that people in a future society will see the way John Proctor acted to maintain his reputation in exchange for death, and ponder it in awe. They will have no idea how to relate to such a concept, though I hope the same honor propagates itself in society consistently.

In a way, Elizabeth kills John. She refuses to corroborate his story of the affair. Ostensibly, this is to protect John’s reputation. But this makes no sense, as his reputation will be tarnished as a liar, and is, when she says that he has been faithful. More likely, it is that she cannot bear carrying the shame with her and her name, regardless of whether John lives or dies. Perhaps she even wishes his death as justice for his affair.

Reverend Parris, I have laid seven babies unbaptized in the earth. Believe me, sir, you never saw more hearty babies born. And yet, each would wither in my arms the very night of their birth. I have spoke nothin’, but my heart has clamored intimations. And now, this year, my Ruth, my only – I see her turning strange. A secret child she has become this year, and shrivels like a sucking mouth were pullin’ on her life too. And so I thought to send her to your Tituba – Tituba knows how to speak to the dead, Mr. Parris. Who else may surely tell us what person murdered my babies? They were murdered, Mr. Parris! And mark this proof! Mark it! Last night my Ruth were ever so close to their little spirits; I know it, sir. For how else is she struck dumb now except some power of darkness would stop her mouth? It is a marvelous sign, Mr. Parris!

6. The Importance of Being Earnest - Oscar Wilde: Wilde’s bombasity and artistic character are reflected in much of this play’s jovial nature, in Cecily’s and Algernon’s respective characters specifically. There are few monologues as the dialogue is quite witty, playful and back-and-forth, but most of the scenes are quite entertaining. In particular, I love the scene where Cecily and Gwendolen are piecing together the stories of the guys’ fabrications and giving each other suspicious cobra eyes, while also intending to be as polite as possible. The ending scene in which Lady Bracknell is entirely only interested in Cecily’s monetary prospects also has hilarious stage potential. Overall, this is an ideal comedic example for those who haven’t seen it. I’d love to do Act 1, scene 1 or 2 someday. An excerpt:

“How you can sit there, calmly eating muffins when we are in this horrible trouble, I can’t make out. You seem to me to be perfectly heartless."

"Well, I can’t eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them."

"I say it’s perfectly heartless your eating muffins at all, under the circumstances.”

7. Long Day’s Journey Into Night - Eugene O’Neil: This piece is the ultimate tragedy. While a glimmer of hope is seen at the end for Jamie and Edmund (Jamie admits some of his faults, Edmund’s father finally concedes to send him to a state-of-the-art sanatorium in hopes to cure his tuberculosis), Mary’s situation only gets worse. The play also gives a general sense that permanent situational betterment by the Tyrone family is impossible. The scenes in the play are very repetitive, often including arguments, and always around when the family gathers for a meal. Through this repetition, the fall of the brothers deeper into alcoholism, and a general familial obsession with past issues, it seems very unlikely that any of the Tyrone family’s issues will be confronted head-on. My sense is that O’Neil wrote this play as a reflection of typical families, including his own. The positive note he wishes to highlight is simply that some familial love is still built into the family, and you see it in Jamie’s drunken stupor in the final scene, and in Mary’s last words about falling in love with James Tyrone.

You've just told me some high spots in your memories. Want to hear mine? They're all connected with the sea. Here's one. When I was on the Squarehead square rigger, bound for Buenos Aires. Full moon in the Trades. The old hooker driving fourteen knots. I lay on the bowsprit, facing astern, with the water foaming into spume under me, the masts with every sail white in the moonlight, towering high above me. I became drunk with the beauty and signing rhythm of it, and for a moment I lost myself -- actually lost my life. I was set free! I dissolved in the sea, became white sails and flying spray, became beauty and rhythm, became moonlight and the ship and the high dim-starred sky! I belonged, without past or future, within peace and unity and a wild joy, within something greater than my own life, or the life of Man, to Life itself! To God, if you want to put it that way. Then another time, on the American Line, when I was lookout on the crow's nest in the dawn watch. A calm sea, that time. Only a lazy ground swell and a slow drowsy roll of the ship. The passengers asleep and none of the crew in sight. No sound of man. Black smoke pouring from the funnels behind and beneath me. Dreaming, not keeping looking, feeling alone, and above, and apart, watching the dawn creep like a painted dream over the sky and sea which slept together. Then the moment of ecstatic freedom came. the peace, the end of the quest, the last harbor, the joy of belonging to a fulfillment beyond men's lousy, pitiful, greedy fears and hopes and dreams! And several other times in my life, when I was swimming far out, or lying alone on a beach, I have had the same experience. Became the sun, the hot sand, green seaweed anchored to a rock, swaying in the tide. Like a saint's vision of beatitude. Like a veil of things as they seem drawn back by an unseen hand. For a second you see -- and seeing the secret, are the secret. For a second there is meaning! Then the hand lets the veil fall and you are alone, lost in the fog again, and you stumble on toward nowhere, for no good reason!

*He grins wryly.

It was a great mistake, my being born a man, I would have been much more successful as a sea gull or a fish. As it is, I will always be a stranger who never feels at home, who does not really want and is not really wanted, who can never belong, who must always be a a little in love with death!

TYRONE

*Stares at him -- impressed.

Yes, there's the makings of a poet in you all right.

*Then protesting uneasily.

But that's morbid craziness about not being wanted and loving death.

EDMUND

*Sardonically

The *makings of a poet. No, I'm afraid I'm like the guy who is always panhandling for a smoke. He hasn't even got the makings. He's got only the habit. I couldn't touch what I tried to tell you just now. I just stammered. That's the best I'll ever do, I mean, if I live. Well, it will be faithful realism, at least. Stammering is the native eloquence of us fog people.”

8. Medea - Euripedes: I admire the simplistic form in which this play is such a straightforward tragedy. Jason abandons his wife, Medea, in the attempt to bolster his status by marrying Glauce, daughter of Creon, king of Corinth. In the one day that Creon gives Medea to plan her departure, she plots the murder of Glauce and Jason and her own two children. Fascinatingly, her wish to make Jason miserable overwhelms her maternal instincts and she murders her children before leaving in Helios’ chariot. Apart from some light comedy, there’s not much to uplift this play besides the badass (albeit gruesome) female-empowering theme of a woman who murders her children just to revenge her honor and make her husband suffer as much as possible.

“Human misery must somewhere have a stop; there is no wind that always blows a storm; great good fortune comes to failure in the end. All is change; all yields its place and goes; to persevere, trusting in what hopes he has, is courage in a man. The coward despairs.”

How I wish the Argo's sails had never swept through the dark blue Clashing Rocks into the land of the Colchians; I wish the pine trees had never fallen in the groves of Pelion, cut down to put oars in the hands of the heroes who went after the golden fleece for Pelias. Then my mistress Medea would not have sailed to the fortress of Iolcus' land, her heart battered by love for Jason. And she would not have convinced the daughters of Pelias to kill their father and would not have come to live here on Corinthian soil with her husband and children, winning over the citizens of the country she had come to as a refugee, and obliging Jason in every way. This is what brings the greatest stability at home: when a woman does not challenge her husband. It has all gone sour now, affection turned to hatred. Jason has cast aside his children and my mistress, and now goes to bed in a royal marriage with the daughter of Creon who governs this land. And Medea, in despair, rejected by her husband, howls out "the oaths he swore" and calls upon the right hand, a potent symbol of fidelity, and invokes the gods to witness Jason's treatment of her. She won't eat; she just gives in to her grief, washing away all her hours in tears, ever since she realized her husband had abandoned her. She never looks up or raises her face from the ground. She is like a rock or wave of the sea when those who love her try to give advice; except that sometimes she lifts up her pallid face and mourns for her dear father, her country, and the home she betrayed to come here with this man who now holds her in contempt. The poor woman knows from bitter loss what it means to have once had a homeland. And she hates her children, takes no pleasure in seeing them. I'm afraid of her, in case she has some new plan in mind. She is a deep thinker, you know, and she will not put up with this kind of abuse. I know her and I am terrified that in silence entering the house where the bed is laid she might thrust a sharp sword through the heart or kill the princess and the one who married her and then suffer some greater tragedy. She is frightening. It won't be easy for an enemy to come out victorious in a battle with her. But here come the children from their play. They know nothing of their mother's troubles for the childish heart is not used to grief.

9. The Seagull - Anton Chekhov: The play’s title comes from a scene in the first act. Treplev shoots a seagull and brings it to Nina, his love, to win her over. Trigorin, his literary rival (and Nina’s love interest) comments that he will write a story one day on how a girl is used and ruined by a man who has nothing better to do, just like the seagull. Towards the end of the play, Treplev has gained some ground in his career as a writer, but is still mostly receiving bad reviews. If Trigorin is a popular contemporary writer for his time, Treplev is the starving artist whose work will perhaps be remembered only after he is gone. Or perhaps, his ideas are too lofty and abstract, and it’s Treplev’s fault for not grounding them more concretely. Regardless, Treplev shoots himself after Nina confesses that after several years, she still loves Trigorin. While his death is perhaps not preventable, Treplev fits the allegory of Trigorin, only in reverse. He is ruined by his hope for a love with Nina. In part, she uses him by leading him on, and in part it’s his own fault for his obsession with a girl who is clearly passionate, independent and not very considerate, and who clearly loves someone else.

“NINA

Your life is beautiful.

TRIGORIN

I see nothing especially lovely about it. [He looks at his watch] Excuse me, I must go at once, and begin writing again. I am in a hurry. [He laughs] You have stepped on my pet corn, as they say, and I am getting excited, and a little cross. Let us discuss this bright and beautiful life of mine, though. [After a few moments' thought] Violent obsessions sometimes lay hold of a man: he may, for instance, think day and night of nothing but the moon. I have such a moon. Day and night I am held in the grip of one besetting thought, to write, write, write! Hardly have I finished one book than something urges me to write another, and then a third, and then a fourth--I write ceaselessly. I am, as it were, on a treadmill. I hurry for ever from one story to another, and can't help myself. Do you see anything bright and beautiful in that? Oh, it is a wild life! Even now, thrilled as I am by talking to you, I do not forget for an instant that an unfinished story is awaiting me. My eye falls on that cloud there, which has the shape of a grand piano; I instantly make a mental note that I must remember to mention in my story a cloud floating by that looked like a grand piano. I smell heliotrope; I mutter to myself: a sickly smell, the colour worn by widows; I must remember that in writing my next description of a summer evening. I catch an idea in every sentence of yours or of my own, and hasten to lock all these treasures in my literary store-room, thinking that some day they may be useful to me. As soon as I stop working I rush off to the theatre or go fishing, in the hope that I may find oblivion there, but no! Some new subject for a story is sure to come rolling through my brain like an iron cannonball. I hear my desk calling, and have to go back to it and begin to write, write, write, once more. And so it goes for everlasting. I cannot escape myself, though I feel that I am consuming my life. To prepare the honey I feed to unknown crowds, I am doomed to brush the bloom from my dearest flowers, to tear them from their stems, and trample the roots that bore them under foot. Am I not a madman? Should I not be treated by those who know me as one mentally diseased? Yet it is always the same, same old story, till I begin to think that all this praise and admiration must be a deception, that I am being hoodwinked because they know I am crazy, and I sometimes tremble lest I should be grabbed from behind and whisked off to a lunatic asylum. The best years of my youth were made one continual agony for me by my writing. A young author, especially if at first he does not make a success, feels clumsy, ill-at-ease, and superfluous in the world. His nerves are all on edge and stretched to the point of breaking; he is irresistibly attracted to literary and artistic people, and hovers about them unknown and unnoticed, fearing to look them bravely in the eye, like a man with a passion for gambling, whose money is all gone. I did not know my readers, but for some reason I imagined they were distrustful and unfriendly; I was mortally afraid of the public, and when my first play appeared, it seemed to me as if all the dark eyes in the audience were looking at it with enmity, and all the blue ones with cold indifference. Oh, how terrible it was! What agony!”

10. Our Town - Thornton Wilder: I chose this as my last play to read, both because I had never read Thornton Wilder’s work and because small towns hold a special place in my heart. I grew up in a town of about 2,000 people, Cooperstown, New York. Besides being ultimately somewhat tragic, a unique blend of gallows humor and breaking of the fourth wall serves to lighten the tone of the play to a hopeful lesson, rather than a complete tragedy. Some of the scenes, like Emily and George talking from the windows, and the morning of her twelfth birthday which Emily visits after dying, all seem very familiar and nostalgic to me. For me, Our Town represents the smaller things in life and how important it is to appreciate them. George wants to go to college, but rightfully gives it up to stay with Emily. Emily in turn, only lives a few short years with George. Yet she doesn’t express regret, even though she has every right to. She died in childbirth, and could have lived much longer. She finally only wishes to lay next to George, and reflects that the living never understand the truly precious and amazing nature of life. Her remark that the poets are the only ones who come close to understanding this essential nature, bolsters my courage in pursuing a starving artist lifestyle.

GEORGE: After a pause, very seriously. Emily, I'm going to make up my mind right now. I won't go. I'll tell Pa about it tonight.

EMILY: Why, George, I don't see why you have to decide right now. It's a whole year away.

GEORGE: Emily, Fm glad you spoke to me about that . . . that fault in my character. What you said was right; but there was one thing wrong in it, and that was when you said that for a year I wasn't noticing people, and . . . you, for instance. Why, you say you were watching me when I did everything ... I was doing the same about you all the time. Why, sure, I always thought about you as one of the chief people I thought about. I always made sure where you were sitting on the bleachers, and who you were with, and for three days now I've been trying to walk home with you; but something's always got in the way. Yesterday I was standing over against the wall waiting for you, and you walked home with Miss Corcoran.

EMILY: George! . . . Life's awful funny! How could I have known that? Why, I thought

GEORGE: Listen, Emily, I'm going to tell you why I'm not going to Agriculture School. I think that once you've found a person that you're very fond of ... I mean a person who's fond of you, too, and likes you enough to be interested in your character . . . Well, I think that's just as important as college is, and even more so. That's what I think.

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xasherahx · 7 years

Text

Confused

Im so confused right now. I dont know whats up and down on my feelings. I was at a job interview yesterday. I didnt expect to get the job seing how i knew i didnt met the requirements, and i know i did all i could and more. Yet today when they called and told me i didnt get the job i felt sad, but happy at the same time. No im sitting here at the middle of the night feeling pathetic and weak, yet strong and like i accomplished something. I literally feel like im going to throw up cause its causing a weird ache in my chest. I feel like i should just give up on everything, yet im desperately looking for something to cling onto to not do that.

Ive started talking to this guy over a page on the internet. We have already decided to just be friends and wait and se what happens after we actually met. And im fine with that. I dont wanna rush into anything when im as fragile as i am right now. Yet im sure im falling for him at times. Like I wanna talk to him all the time. I stalk his instagram and facebook and other pages to se what hes up to. And when i se that he have liked a picture of other girls, my chest hurt. But then the next time i dont feel anything at all? Like sure we have talked about sex and such and im basically his slave, but that doesn't mean i have anything to say. One of the first things he said when we started talking about it is that im free to do whomever i please when im not around him. And of course the same goes for him. Even tho im as mono as a human person can be. Yet he makes it seem like he just want to be with me even tho his sex-drive is out the roof?

The best thing with this guy is that he respects me and seem to be honest about things. If i answer something stupid he still answer the questions (most of the time). He cares alot about my mental health. Alot more then ive ever done. Or anyone else have to be honest. Hes a really sweet funny guy. He takes time out of his free time to talk with me and to learn me how too play league of legends, just so we can play together. He praises me when i do good things, and he dont scold me when i fuck up in any shape or form. Hes patient whit my negativity and self hatred. He tries to help me get better. He makes me feel good looking at times and he makes me smile and laugh even when i feel like shit. And im starting to crave for his attention more and more for each day that pass. But yet again, i dont think its a crush? But i have no idea what else to call it.

He have in just some weeks sneaked his way into my head and broken down the walls one by one and gotten me to open up about things i thought id never tell anyone (and that is making me raise my guard even more cause i have no idea how to act). He have gained my trust in no time at all. Not fully but its not far from it. And just that is a huge achievement, seing how i barely trust my friends ive known my whole life. I dont feel like i deserve him in any kind of way. But yea i dont think i deserve anything or anyone.

Then there is this really nice sad guy ive just talked with for a few days. I feel like i can be myself when i talk to him. Hes kinda cute, nice and all. The typical guy i know i tend to fall for. Thing is, hes 19. And i know age is just a number but its setting me off so badly. And he seems so sensitive. I feel like if i stay around ill tip him over the edge that hes already balancing on. But i dont want to stop talking to him. He said hes happy i listen when he opens up and hes happy that we talk. But i dont know. I feel like im setting him off by telling him about things. And i haven't even opened up that much yet.. Barely cracked the lid. And i dont want to scare him away just cause im fucked up.

And then we have my so called best friend that ive known since i turned 13. Everything changed after he and creepie broke up. He changed. He started lying about things before that but he never treated me bad until last year. The one person i trusted fully flipped the coin and turned into something and someone i dont know anymore. The one person i felt like i could actually talk to invited me over to stay with him for a week then, during the days i was at creepies place, decide that a tinder chick that he basically just want to fuck is more important then his (his own words) best friend? His best friend that took money she didnt have just to go and visit him cause HE was feeling depressed and hated being alone. So he changes his plans making me break down and get pissed off enough to jell at him. And he still to this day dont understand why i actually got mad, at least what i think. His new girlfriend is a really sweet girl. Hit it off with her directly. And she forced him to talk to me about it. He apologized about him acting like a cunt but something in his eyes made me feel like he still had no idea what he had done to me. What he had caused. I went to him before new years. I was so nervous i had to take my anxiety pills. That should say it all.

Ontop of all this shit AF is at my back about me getting a job. They thing i should get a job that basically marks me a Mentally broken person. Just cause i haven't been able to land a job yet. Just cause i cant the tom understand that i literally CANT work with anything unless i have a interest for it. They dont understand when i tell them im 110 % sure i have Asperger's. Ive also gotten the paper saying they are looking into it and that im in line for the next part of it. Yet they seem to think im just lazy and stubborn.

But ey at least i got that going for me. The psychiatrist finally agreed with me. Almost 2 years later im finally getting somewhere with that. Just had to slip between the chairs 3 times before anything happened, but you know thats normal and can get brushed aside by saying sorry. At least thats what the three people i met think. They thought i had read up about it and knew what i was talking about at least. Of course i know what im talking about. I wouldnt be sitting there if i didnt. Ive lived with it my whole life. I just didnt realize it had a fucking name until my brother got the diagnose some years ago.

Back to the topic males i guess.. Lately ive started talking to more and more males. I keep carving some sort of recognition. Even tho its not the right kind. All they do is want to put their dick in me, yet i keep talking to them, “flirting”. And i dont like that at all. Ive never needed someones acceptance before. Ive never craved for someone to lust for me either. I have no idea why im changing like this. I dont like it but i dont think i can stop it. I know its a new way for me to hurt myself. Ive basically switched cutting to sex. Just havent physically fucked anyone yet. And yea i still cutt when i cant handle my anxiety so. Guess i havent replaced it at all. Just added another bad habit.

My parents are soon out on the road cause the state have taken their house and they cant get a apartment. All cause they where late on one payment. One fucking payment in 10 years. And thats enough for them to loose their home? They aint allowed to get a place with a rent higher then 5000 skr a month. There are literally no apartments for that low rent out there right now. They found a house outside of linköping that my dad fell inlove with, but its like 12000skr a month so they aint allowed to take that one. So in the end of next month my parents will most likely be living in a caravan on a friends garden. And my brother with his girlfriend and her parents. Cause thats totally a way to handle it. And cause of all this ive gotten to take the role as my moms shrink. Every time we meet its always something new she need to vent about. And i cant handle it. It makes me even more stressed about the situation then i already am. My life should be enough. I shouldnt have to handle hers aswell. But i cant say no to her. I cant open up to her about my problems cause shed break then. So ill just have to keep the mask up i guess and break down when i get home after every visit.

Ive started working out abit aswell. I know ive lost some weight, i can even se it myself. Still i feel like i hate myself more and more for each day that comes. I feel like my life is never going to get better. I feel like im drowning. And i have no idea how long i can stay afloat.

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