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aceofbrains · 2 years

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hayden christensen. thirty-one. cis male. he/him. demisexual & capricorn. ☾ﾟ is that sacha mercer behind the mask? whenever i see the neurosurgeon at paris regional hospital in pigalle, i think of no surprises by radiohead. rumor has it they are individualistic & disciplined, but neurotic & sanctimonious can be their fatal flaws. what their neighbors in paris call them is the prodigy.

full bio is here.

♥ ˚⊹ BASIC INFORMATION

FULL NAME: Sacha Brooks Mercer. NICKNAME(S): Sash. PREFERRED NAME(S): Sacha. BIRTH DATE: January 17th. AGE: 31. ZODIAC: Capricorn. GENDER: Cis male. PRONOUNS: He/Him. ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: Demiromantic. SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Demisexual. LIVING CONDITIONS: Townhouse in Paris.

♥ ˚⊹ BACKGROUND

PLACE OF BIRTH: Summerlin, Nevada. HOMETOWN: Paris, France. EDUCATION LEVEL: PhD in Neuroscience. FATHER: Adrien Mercer (deceased as of 2004). MOTHER: Sydney Coolidge (whereabouts unknown). SIBLING(S): Lionel Mercer, 25. CHILDREN: None.

♥ ˚⊹ OCCUPATION & INCOME

PRIMARY SOURCE OF INCOME: Attending neurosurgeon. SECONDARY SOURCE OF INCOME: None. CONTENT WITH THEIR JOB (OR LACK THERE OF)?: He loves it more than anything else. SPENDING HABITS: Essentials. MOST VALUABLE POSSESSION: Old notes his mother would write in his lunchbox for school.

♥ ˚⊹ PHYSICAL APPEARANCE & CHARACTERISTICS

FACE CLAIM: Hayden Christensen. EYE COLOR: Blue. HAIR COLOR: Blond. HEIGHT: 6′0. WEIGHT: 155lbs. BUILD: Average. TATTOOS: N/A. PIERCINGS: N/A. MARKS/SCARS: N/A. NOTABLE FEATURES: N/A. USUAL EXPRESSION: Annoyed. CLOTHING STYLE: Casual daywear; sweaters, slacks, boots, and a wristwatch. JEWELRY: None. ALLERGIES: None. PHYSICAL AILMENTS: N/A.

♥ ˚⊹ PSYCHOLOGY

JUNG TYPE: INTJ. ENNEAGRAM TYPE: 1 [Reformer] MORAL ALIGNMENT: Lawful Good. TEMPERAMENT: Melancholic. MENTAL CONDITIONS/DISORDERS: N/A. OBSESSION(S): Work, keeping his little brother in line. ADDICTION(S): N/A. DRUG USE: N/A. ALCOHOL USE: Drinks occasionally. PRONE TO VIOLENCE?: No.

♥ ˚⊹ MANNERISMS

SPEECH STYLE: Casual. ACCENT: American. HOBBIES: Biking & Cooking. HABITS: Flipping coins to make a decision, stepping over cracks in the sidewalk, clocking in five minutes early. NERVOUS TICKS: Chewing on inner cheeks until they bleed, tapping any surface, pacing, running hands through his hair. POSITIVE TRAITS: Sympathetic, Hardworking, Brilliant, & Self-reliant. NEGATIVE TRAITS: Awkward, Dissonant, Presumptuous, & Repressed. SENSE OF HUMOR: N/A.

♥ ˚⊹ FAVORITES

ACTIVITY: Biking around town. ANIMAL: Dog. BEVERAGE: Black coffee. COLOR: Green. FOOD: Soupe à l'oignon. BOOK: Dragonlance series. FLOWER: N/A. GEM: N/A. HOLIDAY: Christmas. MOVIE: The Imitation Game. MODE OF TRANSPORTATION: Bike. SCENERY: Sunrises over hills. SCENT: Fresh linen. SPORT: Soccer. WEATHER: Springtime. VACATION DESTINATION: Freetown, Sierra Leone.

#terminaintro

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broodinglitanies · 1 day

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2.06 - Salvation

This time around, things are starting off pretty good on both the filler front and the not so low-key drama front - Syd talking to Vaughn on the rooftop with both of them being so casually adorable in her moment of crisis, Will being a total sweetheart by rejecting Syd's proposal to lend him money just as she assumed she would. Vaughn mentioned the alterations in standardised tests that (might have been/) were used in the USA via KGB, what I can only imagine, non-agreement non-courtesy. Sark is keeping himself busy and we get a glimpse of what Muller device and being exposed to the water does to people due to the man he was sent to steal "the Bible'' from, now getting all twisted-out ebola way in SD-6's custody and the mission aimed at whatever regarding three patients that are relevant to Sark involves Jack and Sydney working together as a father and a daughter, of course, being sent to do the job by the all things concerning Rambaldi-obsessed Sloane. Jack explained why he trained Syd the Project Christmas way and Irina pleaded guilty. Sydney believes Jack lost his soul after his relationship/marriage fell apart and that he cannot stand the sight of Sydney, thinking of her as a mistake and that if he and Irina hadn't been involved, she'd never have been born. Jack's facial expressions completely bare, stripped and vulnerable no matter how static and silent he looks proves he's struck by sadness and pain due to what he now thinks Syd believes.

As Sydney and Jack are together on a mission getting a blood sample from one of the infected patients who mistakes Syd for her mother, Irina Derevko, Vaughn helps out Will by offering him a job (off the books) to investigate if any of the KGB pre-orchestrated, possibly later CIA-employed (as well) questions specifically designed to find ideal children to be used as sleeper agents were ever found in standardised tests. Research for Will, intel for Vaughn - and we already know it will turn out to be handy. Also, good to have Will around when he is useful and working on his own cases, so...

This is all happening two weeks after season one finale, so that's the amount of time that's passed since the current forks in the road are about to pop out. Sydney and Vughn need to be tested due to the possibility that they themselves, being exposed to the device and the water back in Taipei, might have caught the very infection that a few men who've appeared so far are suffering from. Syd's being covered by Jack concerning all the SD-6 matters.

Sydney is informed that her tests are negative and Vaughn's are inconclusive but he eventually gets out. Sydney views Jack's hearing regarding his very dangerous scheme to frame Irina and in a heartfelt moment, comes to realise how much he truly loves her and even mentioned how privileged he feels to know such a great agent like herself. Unfortunately, Vaughn's update relating the aftermath of the hearing completely breaks Sydney since Jack's facing prison charges, a result of his rogue behaviour and endangering the lives of multiple CIA field agents. On top of that, Irina is still gonna face the death penalty, apparently. Sydney goes to Washington D. C. and abducts the Senator in charge of the case by pretending to be his driver. She tries to force him to change his verdict regarding her parents, but he's unwilling to do so and we're left with Syd's resentful look in her eyes as he asks her to drop him off home instead.

Sloane is doing his play pretend in a very great fashion this episode in order to appear to be more than psychologically haunted by Emily's death, wondering if she's still alive. As Jack told him earlier in the episode there is only one way to find out whether she's alive or not. In case she's alive and anticipated his move would be eliminating her for knowing about SD-6 (and as part of his agreement to earn himself a seat among the rest of the major Alliance players). So now we're there, at the gravesite, the rain, the murky atmosphere, the digging, the empty coffin that seems too small to me for some reason. And of course, it's empty. The cinematography is great, even with the unnecessary thunder effect. Ron Rifkin, again, without saying anything, completely owns the scene.

Obviously, Sydney saved her parents by lying to the senator, hinting at the intel that is non-existent in reality... I mean, seriously, the amount of rubbish they tend to get away with only makes room for more rubbish to become a completely usable cheap trick as the show progresses. Silliness, on the other hand, can't be downplayed nor overlooked, since it was here since day one. Sydney's still at the university, still a student, by the way... so many freaking' dunno-what-to-say-or-what-to-make-of-its just thrown all over the place. Almost every freaking episode. Anyway, there is no senator in the alliance, there is no actual deal on behalf of Sydney, made-up kiddy lies which were used to set her both parents free. The thing is, why put such great dramatic weight all of the sudden through the course of an episode? (I don't even know what happened in most of the episodes of the series, just by their titles and I’ve been a fan for more than twenty years!). Also, there’s no respect for the audience with disregard to pace and scenes interchanging hectically either to a frustrating degree or to an underwhelming effect... I feel like I'm regurgitating, complaining and praising, covering the same minuses and pluses repeatedly. (Oh, and it's no wonder that the most fan-loved/highest rated/acclaimed episodes are the ones THAT ARE THE MOST FOCUSED AND 90% FILLER-FREE!)

Syd went to see where her mother is since she's back in the CIA custody, held at her old Lector-like cell and the whole “Mueller device that spreads the virus/contagious water thing" shows its first symptom on Vaughn while he's shaving at home - haemorrhaging from the fingernails. Goodbye... I’ll see myself very soon.

╰┈➤⍣ ೋ

⑦

#tv shows #misc #reviews #alias s2 #alias #alias 2x06

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swiftiephobe · 1 year

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Hello there !!

OH MY GOD, YOU HAVE THE CUTEST CATS !! I have this dream since I was little to get a black cat and name her Sabrina but now I have a dog and I can't really afford looking after another pet so she'll stay just a dream for a little while.

And you're seeing Phoebe ????? I'm so jealous (politely). I'm such a big fan, unfortunately she rarely comes anywhere near my country and I have to see Taylor and Harry first also tickets + accommodations, everything gets very expensive so Phoebe will wait asdfghjkl.

How did it go with your friends in the pub ? I hope you had a good time !!! I understand you're already off work for the holidays ? This sounds great and I am once again jealous (politely) because we work until December 23rd so I have one more day until I can breathe.

I see you're very passionate about the MBTI types. I got my type from 16personalities and according to them I'm an INFP. I still haven't taken the test that you've linked but I will let you know my result as soon as I do !!!! Meanwhile, can you tell me something more about INFPs ? Or give me a link to a website where I can read more, if that's alright with you. Also, what's your MBTI type and what do you like and dislike about it ?

Love,

Secret Santa 🎅

omg sabrina! i love that name for a cat! was it perhaps inspired by sabrina the teenage witch (and the black cat salem from that show)? it's cool that you have a dog though!! my household has always been a cats household, i think my parents do eventually want to get a dog (and i wouldn't mind one too!) but it is a bit complicated when we already have cats haha

and yes i'm going to see phoebe in feb!! i'm super excited. i'm very lucky/grateful that i live in a city where concerts come to, as long as artists tour australia they will almost certainly come to sydney, so i don't have to pay for travel or accommodation which definitely makes a big difference. i'm guessing you're also waiting on taylor to announce international dates!! i'm very much anticipating the announcement but also fearing it because i just know trying to get tickets is going to be so crazy!

thank you, it did go well! and yeah, when i say my "work" i'm actually a phd student, so technically what i do is actually study but it's pretty much my full time job! i never know whether to refer to it as "uni" or "work" because it's not like a typical degree but i'm also not technically employed for what i do so 😅 the university i'm at closes down for two weeks between christmas and new year, so we all get that time off which is really nice! up until i started this year i worked casual in retail for like 6 years so this will be the first christmas eve in that time that i haven't had to work which is refreshing! i hope you get a nice break too!!

ooh yes, the problem with tests like 16personalities is that they're what's known as "dichotomy" tests, where they test for i vs e, s vs n, etc. which kinda oversimplifies it and gives off the impression that people are one or the other, and also leads to some stereotypes (e.g. sensors aren't creative, feelers are overemotional, etc) which just kinda biases people towards/against certain types! i have a link in my pinned post as well which is an intro to the cognitive functions which is (in my opinion) a more in-depth and accurate way to look at mbti! i have an explanation under the cut too because it got a bit long and i don't want to annoy anyone on my dash haha. i see your other ask too so i'll answer that as well so i can tell you more about your potential types!!

basically there are 8 cognitive functions and each type uses 4, probably most importantly every type actually has a mixture of all "categories" of functions - i.e. everyone senses, everyone intuits, everyone feels, everyone thinks, and there are "introverted" and "extroverted" variations on those functions that on a very basic level equates to whether you focus it function internally or externally, and you're stronger at some functions than you are at others. i'm probably not going to be the best at explaining it haha but as an example i'm an istj, so my dominant/first function is introverted sensing (Si) (and my other functions are extroverted thinking Te, introverted feeling Fi and extroverted intuition Ne, in that order). having high Si relates to me having a really good memory, and i trust what i've observed and experienced in the past to guide me in the present (as a comparison, people with extroverted sensing, or Se, are those people that live very in the moment and are really attuned to what is happening around them so are more inclined to spontaneity!). so in that sense i like that i have such a strong memory, and i think overall my functions contribute to me being as reliable as i am, but i'm definitely not as great at being flexible or going with the flow as sometimes i should be! there's definitely different strengths to each of the different types.

it can be a bit complicated to understand when you're first getting into it, especially when considering all the different functions and how they manifest at different positions - like i have Ne as my fourth/inferior function, but a person with Ne as their dominant or auxiliary (first or second) function (xNxP types) will use it very differently/more effectively than i can!! at the end of the day it's all for fun and i don't think it's the be-all-and-end-all of personality but i found that learning more about mbti really helped me understand myself and also appreciate how others approach and understand things differently to me!

#santaswiftie #i'm sorry if my explanation is a bit much ashfhsjfjdk i won't be offended if you don't read it all #i find mbti super interesting but i can also appreciate if others aren't so you don't have to indulge me on it if you don't want to hahah

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liaromancewriter · 2 years

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New Year, New Adventures

Book: Open Heart

Pairing: Sienna Trinh x Max Valentine (M!OC)

Format: Moodboard and headcanon

Rating: Teen

A/N: Here’s the New Year template for Maxenna, my fluff couple. I posted the one for Ethan and Cassie earlier here.

Submission for @choicesdecemberchallenge2021, prompt day 31, New Year.

The timeline for this headcanon is the same as Cassie and Ethan in Auld Lang Syne.

Max and Sienna welcomed their second child, Isabelle, in November and are still on parental leave.

As a newborn, Isabelle cannot fly yet, and they didn’t want to drive to Newport. So, they spent the holiday season at home in Georgetown.

They have a lot to celebrate in the last two weeks of December: their wedding anniversary, Christmas, Noah’s birthday, and then New Year’s Eve.

They hosted a small New Year’s Eve party for close friends and kept it fairly casual. Their apartment overlooks the Potomac, so they watched the fireworks on the river from the second-floor terrace.

The past year was memorable as they decided to grow their family. Sienna got pregnant early in the year after a short weekend trip to their home in St. Thomas. Winter was particularly harsh at home, and they wanted some time in the sun.

Sienna wants a big family and Max was on the fence because of her health issues after the last one. While it wasn’t completely planned, they did discuss having another kid during Christmas and knew they would be expanding their family soon.

During the year, they juggled demands from their busy jobs, raising their son, monitoring her pregnancy for any thyroid issues, and getting ready for the new arrival.

They were excited to learn that they were having a girl. Thank you to @dorisz for the lovely manip of Max and Sienna with their newborn daughter.

Max always tries to see his grandparents a few times in the year; he knows they won’t be around forever. While Sienna and Isabelle couldn’t travel, he did take Noah to see them for a weekend before the holidays. It snowed and he captured a picture of his son trying to catch snowflakes on his tongue.

They’re excited about the new year and their new adventures in raising their young family. Having two kids that close together means it’ll never be quiet, but they love it.

Before the next year is out, they will add a puppy to the mix.

During the second half of her pregnancy, Sienna switched to working part-time. During that time, she started posting Cooking 101 type videos on YouTube and quickly grew a huge following, especially among young moms, who love how easy she makes it and that she focuses on nutrition.

Sienna doesn’t want to work full-time as a doctor as she wants to spend more time with her family. So, her plan is to continue working part-time in private practice while also doing her YouTube channel.

Meanwhile, Max is excited about implementing the digital experience initiatives he’s spearheading through his start-up at The Hudson Group’s hotel properties.

He also wants Noah to know the family legacy, so he’s excited to share it all with his son, even if he’s still a bit too young to understand it all.

As busy as their lives are, they realized during this past year that they need to make time for fun as a couple. While their family is important to them, their relationship is stronger when they also have just “me and you” time for Max and Si.

These two beans love to socialize, host parties and have fun. In this, they’ve always been aligned.

Max does prefer scotch/whiskey, but he also likes champagne when the occasion calls for it. They’re both the kind to adjust based on the situation – casual, fancy, in-between. They don’t have strong preferences, just that it’s right for the occasion.

He prefers life to be full of extraordinary experiences like ringing in the New Year at Times Square (or heading to Sydney one year), while Sienna is more of a homebody. They compromise though and mix it up over the years.

They would both prefer to be the one hosting a New Year’s Eve party than attending one. Fireworks and kissing at midnight? They’re all for it.

Perma-tags: @jamespotterthefirst @genevievemd @forallthatitsworth @queencarb @openheartfan @danijimenezv @potionsprefect @quixoticdreamer16 @schnitzelbutterfingers @mainstreetreader @tsrookie @bex-la-get @chaoticchopshopheart @headoverheelsforramsey @thegreentwin @dorisz @custaroonie @takemyopenheart @jerzwriter @mm2305 @a-crepusculo @rosebudde @lucy-268 @crazy-loca-blog @writer-ish @wanderingamongthewildflowers @trappedinfanfiction @rookiemartin @anonymousrookie @natureblooms24 @cokesbetterthanpepsi @coffeeheartaddict2 @happiness21 @mysticalgalaxysstuff

@openheartheadcanons

Max & Sienna only: @gryffindordaughterofathena @utterlyinevitable

#sienna trinh #choicesdecember2021 #sienna trinh x oc #open heart choices #choices open heart #sienna trinh x max valentine

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iampikachuhearmeroar · 4 years

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i read an article from the aussie abc today about how hard people are finding the job hunting/seeking etc process in the pandemic in australia. and like. i hella feel this particular story.

because how many times have i gone through absolutely bullshit “time-wasting icebreaker” activities like “film an icebreaker video to tell us about yourself! if we like you, we move you to the next stage 😊😊!” before i EVEN BEGIN the 4 step interview processes (online “video interview” where you prepare responses for your webcam but you don’t actually talk to a person, a phone screening interview where you get grilled by some HR department person, a group in office interview with anywhere between 5 to 25 other people in a room (an “assessment centre”)..... and then a final interview one on one.... for example, of which i fail at the phone screening). then all the bullshit criteria hoops and 10 billion and one (1) different ways of psychometric and personality testing.... for corporate graduate programs and even general shop clerk positions at fucking just jeans or woolies etc for casual jobs alike???? too many fucking times.

how many times have i been left in the lurch for literally like 4 to 6 fucking months after applying for jobs across the board, only to find out that i never got the job anyway???? and also where it was at the point where i’d forgotten that i’d even applied to those jobs in the first place???? again, too many times. as i’ve said before on here: no matter how many fucking applicants there are for a job, how fucking hard can it be to send out an automated mass email to all the failed applicants- within a reasonable window from their rejected applications or failed interviews- that says “oh sorry! you didn’t get the job! try again next year 😌!!!”????? like fucking honestly. all the emails of the unlucky applicants are in your fucking company databases anyway???? it literally shouldn’t be that hard to press a button on a mass email to all of them at once or large quantities of them in a few mass emails??? or maybe i just don’t know enough about HR departments and the way they work 🤷🏻‍♀️. idk.

obviously i can give a good reason as to why some companies took so long to reply in regards to my rejection. for example, i applied for a job on linkedin that was located in sydney in aus, but the company did their on-boarding training solely in san francisco, meaning that i had to have a visa and a passport for the US. neither of which i possess or could afford at the time. they took 6 months to get back to me, but i understood my rejection. and i felt that at point that it was goddamned obvious that i didn’t qualify 😂.

but 6 months for a clothes shop to tell me that i didn’t get a job??? by which point i’d literally forgotten that i’d actually applied to them the year before for a christmas position??? poor form. another company who took another 4-6 month gap to find my application in their spam folder??? inexcusably poor form. but at least they were genuinely sorry, because it was an actual person sending the apology email and not an automated message from HR. most grad programs have good response times to your failed interviews and tests, though. but the 4,000 different criteria hoops that you have to jump through like a fucking circus performer, make you feel worthless and shitty and especially when you’re finally told that you didn’t get it.

#life #about me #shut up ilona #ilona whines about her shitty life to her followers lol #ilona’s job hunting thoughts and woes lmao

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theblogchelor · 5 years

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The Bachelor Week One aka Chaste Alien Man Discovered On Earth

Welcome back, Blogchelor Nation. Sorry I’m late – I needed a full week of meditative deep breathing to prepare to watch Colton Underwood be The Bachelor. In case anyone needs a refresher on who Colton is, he’s a 26-year-old former professional football player who looks like a Golden Retriever and in general loves dogs so much that I’m not convinced ABC isn’t subtly pushing a bestiality subplot. Colton is also a virgin, which – much like being black or sexually abused or coming from a broken family, if you’re on The Bachelor – is the easily exploitable aspect of his existence that will be treated as alien for the next several weeks.

Let’s Meet The Women, All of Whom Are Roughly Twenty-Two Years Old

Cassie is a sexy surfer girl who sometimes wears clothes to color with children.

Hannah is Miss Alabama who has kissed boys before but not too many, says Hannah.

Caelynn is Miss North Carolina and will be attempting to shank Miss Alabama in the showers later.

Heather has never kissed any boys but already has a framed photoshopped photo of her and Colton in her home.

Nicole lives in Miami and really struggles because it’s hard to be so undeniably attractive while living in Miami. She shows her whole family photos of Colton on the internet and demands that they share specifics on the ways that they, too, find him sexually attractive.

Kirpa is one of those dental hygienists who asks you non-rhetorical questions while she’s holding tiny knives in your mouth.

Demi is self-described as “hot-doggin’ for Colton, vroom vroom” which I think is redneck for interested.

Tayeisha is a phlebotomist which makes me giggle as I do not know what a phlebotomist is but sounds like a Harry Potter occupation.

Sydney quit her job to go on The Bachelor so I would say her most compelling quality is unemployed.

Caitlyn stabs a cherry-shaped balloon which is supposed to be cute but reads slightly menacing.

Courtney is a “sweet Georgia peach” and brings a peach with her on the off change that Colton doesn’t understand the reference.

Alex D. arrives in a sloth costume and takes forty minutes to deliver the line “I heard you like to take things slow” while Colton politely waits for it to be over, much like a birthday boy waiting for the happy birthday song to be over, or the sweet release of death, or whatever else comes first.

Tracy arrives in a police car as a strong-armed way to tell Colton she approves of his outfit.

So many women arrive in sequins they just get introduced as “those girls in sequins.”

Bri is Australian and also a pathological liar.

Jane brings pictures of her dogs to seal the deal, until Catherine actually brings a live dog that wants zero to do with Colton and gets fur all over his bespoke suit. Catherine, by the way, is a DJ from Florida a la Manny Jacinto from The Good Place. She is also Corinne Lite.

Onyeka casually remarks, “Colton is a snack and Mama is ready to eat,” because that is a thing that is casually remarked in 2019. She has beef with Catherine within twelve minutes.

Erin arrives in a Cinderella carriage, and the girl who brought peanuts immediately realizes she could have done better.

Hannah G. is a “content creator” from Alabama and gives Colton an empty box to let him know she’s thinking about his genitals. She later makes out with him and wins the first impression rose.

Miscellaneous

Colton, boy-genius, has this conversation with Chris Harrison: “I still remember my first walk-up.” “What happened?” “I don’t remember.”

Just as a reminder, getting high on bath salts and breaking into someone’s home and melting cheese on all their Christmas ornaments is a crime. Being a virgin is not. Have a great week y’all.

#The Bachelor #the bachelorette #the bachelor finale #the bachlorette #The Bachelorette Finale #Bachelor #bachelorette #bachelor finale #Colton Underwood #chris harrison #theblogchelor #the blogchelor #blogchelor #blogchelorcolton

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larryfanfiction · 5 years

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FullOnLarrie @fullonlarrie

💚 The Second Hand Unwinds (51k)

Louis Tomlinson is one of the first members of NASA's top secret Chrono Exploration Program. When things go wrong and he's sent further back in time than planned, he has no other option than to show up on his ex-boyfriend's doorstep.

💚 Heading for Limbo (100k)

Childhood best friends who’ve fallen in and out of touch with each other since Louis’ family moved away when they were thirteen, Harry and Louis find their paths crossing again and again. Each time, no matter how many miles apart or how many years it’s been, it’s as if no time has passed. They fall back into their easy friendship, until life intervenes and sends them on their separate ways once more.

When Harry discovers some life-changing things about himself, Louis is there for him, however he needs. But it’s all temporary because Louis has plans that will move his life from New York all the way to L.A. and the distance isn’t the only thing between them.

The pieces of their twice broken hearts are scattered from the Atlantic to the Pacific.

💚 Find You Home (35k)

When Louis lies to his family and says he’ll bring his new boyfriend home for Christmas, his best friend and roommate Harry agrees to play the part. It’s that, or be left alone over the holidays.

What will happen? No one knows! Perhaps Santa will swoop in with a Christmas miracle.

Featuring lovesick idiots, kissing and cuddling, pies and Christmas clichés.

💚 Crash Landing (5k)

Louis crashes weddings for the thrill of it. He gets dressed up, uses fake names, and makes up stories to go along with each new persona. Sometimes he'll find someone on the guest list to spend the evening drinking and dancing with (among other things). No strings attached and he never sees them again. That is, until he meets a fellow wedding crasher.

💚 Don't Want Shelter (76k)

Louis and Harry have known each other all their lives. Friends as children, they danced around each other as teenagers, and have spent the last twenty-five years either screaming at each other or not speaking at all. Except for that one time ten years ago…

When Hurricane Nicole threatens the coast, they end up stuck together in their families' old vacation home that they begrudgingly co-own.

During the storm, and in the months after, they’re both forced to reevaluate their history and what they mean to each other.

💚 Has the Ocean Lost Its Way (28k)

Louis and Liam are professional surfers who have been traveling the world together for years. Now they travel with Liam’s pro-surfer girlfriend Amelia and their baby Vivian. They’re in Manly Beach, Sydney to compete in the 2017 Australia Open of Surfing when Louis meets Harry, a freelance surf photographer working for Surfer Magazine.

Louis wonders if his nomadic lifestyle will keep him single indefinitely or if there’s someone out there who’ll fit in with his little makeshift family.

💚 How Fast You Fall (49k)

Casual hookups are all Louis has time for, and Harry has a plan to stay single and celibate until he graduates.

After going from strangers to roommates to friends, they both start to want more.

It just takes them a little while to figure it out.

💚 Stranded In A Dream (12k)

Harry leaves everything behind for a job in Vegas which doesn't quite work out as planned. Feeling down on his luck, he meets Louis, a dancer for Britney Spears, who's determined to help Harry turn things around. They may or may not end up married.

💚 It Had To Be You (45k)

Harry and Louis are strangers who share the long drive from Chicago to NYC after college. They don't have anything in common, don't get along, and at the end of their trip, they're both glad to say goodbye.

During a chance meeting five years later, they find that nothing has changed, and they part ways expecting never to see each other again.

Ten years after their post-college road trip, Louis and Harry meet once again, but this time they become friends. Eventually, things get complicated.

A When Harry Met Sally AU.

💚 The Oldest Magic Word (18k)

Louis gets called up to play Seeker for the English National Team and when he gets there, he finds out that Harry Styles, his old school crush, is the Team Healer.

💚 Fall At My Door (29k)

A-list actor Harry Styles and award-winning musician Louis Tomlinson have an acquaintances-with-benefits relationship, so whenever their busy professional lives happen to land them in the same city, they meet up. It’s a mutually beneficial arrangement.

And that’s all it is. Until it isn’t.

💚 Yours In Fractions (23k)

Louis and Harry are strangers who, because of a mix up, share their mutual friend's apartment and bed over the holidays.

💚 Things Never Change (28k)

Harry is about to graduate from college with a degree in Library Science, Louis is an antiques dealer. They meet and fall in love.

let us know who to feature next!

#as #fullonlarrie #2018

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tgr489 · 5 years

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Hello World!

That seems like the first thing to write, after all it’s the first thing you learn when coding. Don’t get me wrong I’m not a coder, or that’s not my job, I just dabble a bit in these things.

I’m new to this blogging thing but here seems like a good a place as any to write things down, and my new therapist says I do need to write stuff down, plus I move around a lot so keeping everything in one place without the need to carry something around like a diary makes some sense.

Some recent background: I’ve just spent the last few weeks travelling, as a friend kindly bought me a RTW ticket as a Christmas present. Very nice of her and was a thank you for me apologising profusely to her for being a real dick. I’ll come back to the story of our friendship and why the apology another time as she and it warrants a separate post.

So 5 countries in just under 4 weeks saw me sunning, snow boarding, eating epically, partying extensively (it was New Years after all) oh and a little bit of work thrown in. Was all fairly exhausting but absolutely worth it.

LA to Sydney to sort a few long standing niggling work things that I’ve not addressed for far too long (procrastination is an issue I have). Sydney to Vienna (via Bangkok) for Christmas and snowboarding in St Anton (via traumatic internal flight to Innsbruck). This is one of theeee best places to hit the slopes.

Vienna to Berlin for New Years and recovery. Those Germans sure do know how to party.

Berlin to Amsterdam for some extended fun that wasn’t initially planned.

Amsterdam to London for more overdue work and legal things to sort out, plus a touch of culture.

And finally London to NY, which is where I am now in an attempt to sort a lot out and make sense of the last few years of my life, and hopefully give myself some purpose to the next few years.

Everyone makes resolutions at new year, which I used to do too, but don’t any more as apart from the parties, clubs, fireworks etc etc. it’s just another day in the year where you always wake up with a sore head. I make all my resolutions on my birthday, which is in the summer if you wanted to know. This feels more real and aligned to me and I just use new years as a progress check.

Coming back to New York after being away for a while was comforting. I’m sure I have some mild form of agoraphobia as I like the confines of the concrete and the buildings which prevent seeing too much horizon. Maybe there’s some psychological reason for that which my shrink will delve into and uncover... we’ll see. My long standing housemates hadn’t changed the locks in my absence so thankfully didn’t have to hang around all day for them to finish work. The place was quiet and apart from the mid-morning traffic from the street, was a retreat of calm after the journey from the airport. The place had a kind of dull, almost close sound, that was enveloping.

The fridge was fairly well stocked, so I help myself to some fruit, made some coffee and sat on the couch amongst the many cushions that perennially multiply there and promptly fell asleep. I was woken a little while later to the sounds of someone moving around in the kitchen, singing, and from my slouched position I could occasionally see a girl shuffling back and forwards in a dressing gown. I sat there and watched her for a while but couldn’t make out who it was so figured someone’s guest, no one breaks into an apartment in a dressing gown. After a while she came walking into the lounge so I said ‘hi’, which made her jump and then totally freak out. She started shouting at me as to why I hadn’t said anything sooner and that it was wrong to scare people like that. I had no idea who this was but she didn’t seem bothered that a total stranger was in front of her. I casually introduced myself and then made enquiries as to who she was. Her name was Sky, a cousin of my housemate Lucy, had come over for Christmas and is staying for a few weeks before heading back to Ireland. I said her name wasn’t very Irish, but was nice anyway. She asked lots of questions of me, but I kept my answers brief, told her I was tired so I could make an exit.

My bedroom was a bit of a mess, and someone had obviously stayed here for a while at some point over the past few months judging by the random plates, glasses and clothing (female) dotted around. Never mind. I emptied the contents of my suitcase onto the bed, separated the random bits from the clothes which I decanted into the washer. i couldn’t be bothered to sort the rest out and it was getting on for lunch so I decided to head out. I was craving junk food after eating pretty well over my trip, despite the airline food which isn’t really food. I wondered if Sky fancied coming with me but she never answered to my shouts so I bailed.

I wandered aimlessly for a while just soaking in the atmosphere, listening to some tunes. Was nice to be back but something was missing and I had an emptyish feeling, which was probably the hunger. I ate noodles, they were good. i got back around 3 and raided Jason’s room for some weed, then cleared all shit out of my room that didn’t belong, before sitting on the floor and went through my camera memory cards. Too many photos, again. I keep telling myself I’ll sort them all out one day…

Lucy was first to arrive home, her shrieks of happiness as she saw me reminded me of how much I’d actually missed her. She called me the C word for not telling her I was returning. Jason came home about an hour later, by which time we were a bottle of wine down, thinking of a second. He suggested going out for dinner so we went to Burger & Barrel for the night, his treat, was nice. We got back home and Nicola, the last of our crew, was there with a guy, talking something over in the lounge fairly intimately. They got up and started heading for her bedroom when she spotted me and came and gave me a big hug with a kiss on the cheek. ‘Let me sort something out and I’ll come and have a chat’ were her words. I didn’t feel up to it but I couldn’t duck her. It didn’t take her long to do whatever she needed to ‘sort out’ and we sat up for hours catching up, her soon to be ex boyfriend was left to his own. She eventually went and joined him and I sat just watching the street below, the jet lag keeping me up, thinking of nothing and everything.

I feel the need to erase the last few years of my life, but that won’t really resolve anything. So I’m going to face up to a few things, make some peace with people and some of the things I’ve done and try to do something meaningful with my life. Hopefully the therapy will unlock a lot of what’s buried.

OK I’m done here for now. It’s another day and I have people to see and there’s so many things to do in this city.

Later Gator

#life story #welcome home #travel #city living #boring #muddled #confused

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khiphop-stories · 6 years

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Christian Yu - Worth It

Request: Can i request a Christian Yu scenario where he flies back to Australia for your birthday surprise but you guys are not on speaking terms? Fluffy ending please!

You had been on the phone with Christian for over two hours now and there was still so much to talk about and too many stories that haven’t been shared yet. Whenever you were talking to him, time would fly by in a blink of an eye. You’d listen carefully when he was retelling things that had happened to him and he’d always make you laugh with his stupid and random remarks.

You felt your eyelids growing heavier with every minute, but you didn't want to hang up the phone. You missed him too much. And even though speaking to him on the phone couldn't make up for his physical absence, it was the only thing you could get. Hearing his deep and soothing voice made it a little bit easier for you. Long-distance relationships sucked and you wanted to give up a long time ago. It was too hard for you, constantly missing him and not being able to see him. It would have been a lie to say you haven’t fought because of it. His lack of time, his lack of presence, his job that made him be so far away from you in the first place. Furthermore the Wi-Fi didn’t always work properly, making it hard for you to communicate without lag. It added to your frustration and he got fed up with it as well. He just wanted to hold you in his arms and spend time with you like every other couple. Yes, you fought a lot for that reason. However, the moment you saw him, all those doubts and fears vanished into thin air.

It was worth it. He was worth it.  

You knew he tried really hard to make it work. Despite the time difference, he would always pick up your calls. Be it at 3am or 3pm. There was no amount of money he wouldn’t spend on flight tickets to come home on special occasions, like your birthday, your anniversary and Christmas. He would also send you packages every other month containing snacks, clothes and cosmetic products from Korea and he would always enclose a hand-written letter. He loved to spoil you, even if it was from the other side of the world. You knew how much effort he put in to make it work and sometimes it made you feel sorry. Why did it have to be so difficult? Why did you two have to live on two different continents?

"Oh by the way, you can't call me for the next two days," he told you casually.

"Why not?" You furrowed your eyebrows together, tightening your grip on your phone.

"I got a lot of work to do and it’s really important, I can’t mess it up.” 

 “But you’re not working 24/7, are you?”

  “No, but honestly you’re kind of a distraction,” he chuckled softly. “Whenever I’m on the phone with you, I can’t get anything done.”

“Fine,” you breathed out. “I’m hanging up now, since I’m such a distraction.”  

“Are you mad?” He asked you in a tender tone.

“Yes,” you muttered, not even trying to hide your annoyance with him. “Those calls are the only thing I have and now you’re banning me from calling you?”

  “It’s just for two days, baby. You know this is really important to me,” he tried to explain to you calmly.

“I know, but...I might not have even called you, I just like to have the option to. And you straight out telling me not to contact you makes me feel like I’m a burden to you.”

  “You’re not a burden to me. You know that. I’m just asking for a favor. You know I can’t concentrate at all, when you’re on my mind.”

“Fine.”  

“You’re still mad.” He could see right through you, just by the tone of your voice. He didn’t even need to see your face, to know that it still bothered you.

“Rome, I respect your wish, but you can’t expect me to be happy about it.”  What made it even worse was that it was your birthday in two days and usually he would be all excited, maybe even more excited than you, showering you with more love than usual, but this time, it seemed like he had completely forgotten about it which made you scared. Scared that you might not be that important to him anymore and someday he would stop caring about you all together.

 “I’m just asking you to be understanding,” he pleaded.

 “I am! I’m the most understanding person on earth. I’ve put up with everything until now! But this…” you let out a long frustrated sigh. “I really don’t wanna do this...let’s just drop it, ok?”

  “Come on, baby, let’s not end the call like this.”

“I’m really tired, it’s 2am in Sydney,” you told him.

“Okay,” he gave in with a sigh after a pause of hesitation. “I love you.”

You didn’t return his words, instead you just hung up the phone, before carelessly throwing it into the corner of your bed.

Little did you know the reason he didn’t want you to call him was because his phone would be turned off and he would be sitting on the plane to Sydney.

~*~

Who needs that bastard, you thought and downed another shot. You felt the liquid burning inside of your throat on its way down.

You were at the club with your friends, celebrating your birthday. It should have been a fun night, but you felt hollow inside. Although you were surrounded by the people you loved and cherished, you felt lonely; because he wasn’t here. You also felt terribly guilty for how you ended the call with him and you couldn’t even apologize to him for overreacting, since you weren’t allowed to call him. You did send him a text message containing your apology, but he hadn’t answered, making you wonder wether he was mad at you.

Trying to get rid of your thoughts, you poured another shot down your throat, before joining your friends on the dance floor. You moved your body to the beat of the music and sang along.

It almost worked. You almost forgot about him.

Suddenly, you felt a pair of hands on your waist which wasn’t particularly an unusual occurrence. You were used to it. Whenever you went to the club there would be a lot of booty-grabbing and dick-grinding. It was never pleasant, but being in a place filled with drunk people, you couldn’t expect them to have manners.  Usually that would be it. They approached you, you pushed them away and they would just leave it at that.  But this time, the stranger put his hands upon your waist again, after you had flung them away. He held you close and pushed you against his body.

“Let’s flip a coin. Head’s your mine, tails I’m yours. Oh wait, you’re already mine.” The guy whispered the cheesy pick-up line in your ear, making your stomach turn - not in a good way.

“Get the fuck off me,” you hissed at him and smashed your elbows into the side of his ribs which made him step back due to the force. You turned around to see who dared to make such a bold move on you and when you saw your boyfriend in front of you, your jaw dropped open in disbelief. Christian was groaning out loud in pain,his arm hugging his stomach.

In this moment, it seemed as if everything around you came to a stop. You could only see him, as though you two were the only people in this room. Your entire body froze from head to toe and you just stared at him silently with widened pupils.

“Happy birthday, baby,” he smiled at you as his expression softened. But you showed no reaction. You were too dumbfounded by the turn of events. You still didn’t want to believe your eyes. It couldn’t be him, could it? He wasn’t supposed to be here.

He chuckled at your reaction -or more so your lack of reaction. Since it seemed like you wouldn’t budge any time soon, he took a step closer and slung his strong arms around your body, planting a gentle kiss on your head. He slightly lifted you up and he buried his face into the crook of your neck, before releasing you again.

“I fucking hate you,” you shook your head. You felt tears shooting to your eyes, too overwhelmed by all kinds of emotions. Truthfully, you were having a hard time. You didn’t tell him about it, because you didn’t want him to worry. But the past few weeks had been tough on you. The fight him didn’t make it any better.

You turned your head away from him, because you didn’t want him to see your wet eyes, but he didn’t let you. He grabbed your chin gently and made you look at him.

“Hey, hey…are you okay?” His face was covered in panic and worry. This wasn’t the reaction he expected.

“You’re such an idiot!” You began punching his chest with your fist.

And then you let your forehead fall against his chest, burying your face in his warmth.

“I missed you so much,” you mumbled and a smile appeared on his face. He wrapped his arms around your waist and gave you a peck on your cheek. You slowly looked up to him and he captured your lips in his own. The kiss was filled with so much yearning and passion, as though it had to make up for the months you were deprived of it. As your lips met, he gently pulled you closer, then ran his thumb down your cheeks affectionately.

“Let’s go home,” you told him, your eyes full of desire.

“But your friends…”  

“I don’t care, I can see them everyday, but I want to have this moment with you,” you cut him off.

“Ok,” he nodded his head and put out his hand. With his eyes he motioned you to take it. Your lips curled up into a smile and you intertwined your fingers with his as he led you outside of the club.

~*~

“That’s the reason I couldn’t call you?” You pushed yourself up and looked at him, while your fingertips ran along the black lines of the tattoos on his chest.

“Yeah,” he smiled. “You would have noticed that my phone was out of service.” One of his arm was around your waist and he raised his other arm, gently tucking a strand of your hair behind your ear.

Rolling your eyes at him, you let out a chuckle.   “You totally got me.”  

“You were hella mad at me, I almost pissed my pants” he laughed and bent forward to give you a peck on your forehead.

“I thought you forgot about it!” You said to your defense.  

“There’s not a chance in hell, I’d ever forget about your birthday, No matter how busy I am,” he shook his head vigorously and rested his head on the pillow again.

“You sounded convincing though,” you muttered under your breath and rested your head on his upper chest.

“You don’t know how nervous I was! The moment you became mad, I just wanted to confess everything,” he chuckled.

“How long are you staying?”

“Just one day.”

“You’re just staying for a day?” You head shot up in disbelief. You weren’t ready to say goodbye to him when you just reunited a few hours ago.

“We are only staying for a day,” he corrected you and you furrowed your brows at him in confusion.

“Tomorrow we will be on a flight to Peru,” he grinned at you, making your eyes widen at him.

“You’re kidding, right?” You shook your head violently and he chuckled at you softly.  

“That’s my birthday gift for you.”

“I thought you were the present.”

“Nah, I’m the bonus,” he laughed out loud.

“Rome…I don’t know what to say,” you stared at him speechless. You had mixed feelings. On the one hand your were overjoyed and happy. He made you feel like the happiest girl on earth. But on the other hand, you were worried and doubtful. The cynic in you still couldn’t believe it. It was too good to be real and you were afraid someone would steal this moment from you. Although he lay there right next to you, the thought of having to say goodbye to him soon, haunted you.

“I’m sorry I can’t always be there for you,” he gently ran his hand through your hair as he noticed the reluctancy and fear on your face.

“I know you deserve better. You deserve the universe which I know I can’t give to you. I know I’m lacking a lot and you’re having a hard time because of me. But I’m too selfish to let you go. I love you too much to let go of you.”

“No,” you shook your head. “You’re enough. I don’t need the universe.” You pushed yourself up and planted a kiss on his lips. His grip tightened around your waist and he pushed your closer to his body. You rolled over and straddled his lap, giving him a look filled with desire. Your right hand lay on his chest and you felt his heart throbbing against your palm in a rapid and irregular rhythm. You smiled to yourself contently, loving the way his body reacted to you. Bending forward, you started attacking his neck which made him let out a low groan. He flipped you over so that he was on top of you again, his face hovering right above your own.   

“Round three?” He wriggled his eyebrows and bit down on his lips.

“You mean round four,” you let out a chuckle.

“Oh really? I lost count,” he licked his lips as he stared you up and down hungrily.

#christian yu #yu barom #christian yu scenarios #khh scenarios #khh imagines #khiphop scenarios #christian yu imagines #khiphop imagines #dpr scenarios #dpr imagines

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secureshark6441-blog · 5 years

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02 | Dumpster Dive

For many people, discarding of something in the trash is synonymous with having destroyed it. However plenty of sensitive information can be recovered from items and documents disposed in the trash, including some Taylor Swift fantail, confidential blueprints, and even Plutonium.

Activity

In this activity we will be doing a dumpster dive with a twist. We have raided the entire contents of a single car, and painstakingly photographed the entire contents.

We are going to analyse this data and see exactly how much of a profile we can build up about someone from the items and information residing in their car. Can we learn their name? Their gender? What they do for a living? What else?

Name: Adam

Gender: Male

Appearance: Glasses (usually wears contacts), full beard and moustache, dark hair

The packets of single use contacts

Residential Information: Lives in or around Ryde

The Weekly Times is the local newspaper of the area

Frequents stores in / near Ryde such as Ryde Coles, Gladesville McDonalds, and West Ryde Dry Cleaners

Fashion: Casual but also wears more formal attire such as a suit or tux

Casual outfit shown in the photo above

Tux determined from invoice from dry cleaners

Speculated suit as there are a large amount of hangers in the car possibly indicating that he needs to change from casual attire to clothing that he does not want to crease

Wears size 36 bottoms

Medication: Probably has hay fever

Telfast is a medication used to treat hay fever

Frequent Locations: UNSW, probably a guest or a postgrad student

Several UNSW tickets and the name tag with UNSW on it

Job: A start up entrepreneur

All access pass to StartCon, a start up conference

Entry pass to The Sunrise by Blackbird event, a startup conference for tech leaders

Field of Work / Interest: Security engineering / computer science

Part of the Platypus Initiative, a Sydney based infosec community

Both start up conventions / events are tech related

Lifestyle: Not particularly healthy

The Coles shopping list is full of snacks such as chips, soda, and chocolate

Frequents McDonalds as seen by the invoices

Health conscious enough to only buying low sugar soda

Likes beer and hash browns

Technology:

Owns a generation 1 or 2 10.5 inch iPad Pro

Owns other Apple products as they frequently purchase items from Joli, a design company that focuses on Apple products

Other:

Have been to Melbourne; myki transport pass

Went to Erdington McDonalds which is in the UK

Have not cleaned their car in a while as there are Christmas wrappers and stickers and parking tickets ranging from January 2017 to October 2017

#Module 2 #Challenges

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careerjugglr · 5 years

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3000 new jobs up for grabs

TRYING TO FIND a new job? Excellent news - due to the fact that nearly 3000 brand name new positions are now up for grabs, in the nick of time for Christmas.

Australia Post has exposed it is now hiring a record variety of extra workers as it braces for it its "most significant Christmas ever".

A whopping 1026 new functions are available in NSW alone, with 767 developed in Queensland, 740 in Victoria and 172 in Western Australia.

An additional 141 are on offer in South Australia, 49 in the ACT, 34 in the Northern Territory and 11 in Tasmania.

The most popular and sought-after positions include Christmas casuals, who will be required to work shifts lasting a minimum of three hours, with approximately five shifts readily available per week, and both night and day shifts available.

Effective candidates will be paid between $26.50 and $29.73 an hour, and will be contracted up until January 2019.

Other gigs are available in retail, with three to 12-month contracts in full and part-time roles listed with approximate pay beginning at $22.03 per hour.

Australia Post is also trying to find shipment workers, with a variety of full and part-time opportunities on three to 12-month contracts, and pay starting at $21.68 an hour.

According to the organisation, it will be a record Christmas with Aussies tipped to invest $21 billion in online purchases for the very first time.

As an outcome, Australia Post will provide an average of one million parcels every day during the "extraordinary" peak vacation duration, with weekend shipments in cities introducing this weekend.

Australia Post will provide a million parcels every day in the lead approximately Christmas. Image: iStock Australia Post Group chief running officer Bob Black stated 37 million parcels were provided last December, with parcel processing facilities updated throughout the nation in preparation for the 2018 Christmas rush. "This recruitment drive is the biggest of its kind in our history and we're on track to hire 2000 Christmas casuals before December.

This will put us in a great position for a record-breaking Christmas ahead,"Mr Black stated." We are likewise recruiting 800 new fixed-term functions including truck and van motorists, and additional people to serve consumers in our post workplaces and contact centres.

"We are investing $300 million into brand-new parcel processing innovation and equipment throughout

Melbourne, Sydney and Brisbane, enabling us to process an extra 35,000 parcels and

Express Post products an hour."

Mr Black said along with the brand-new weekend shipments in metro areas, post workplaces would also quickly start extended trading.

"title=" Retail and shipment employees are needed, along with Christmas casuals, who can make up to $ 29 an hour. Image: iStock"data-largeimg=https://media.apnarm.net.au/media/images/2018/11/02/imagev1599ec841a457155c34cd96eec9fa3afe-869267gcj3600ui48r2_ct677x380.jpg > Retail and delivery employees are required, along with Christmas casuals, who can make up to $ 29 an hour. Picture: iStock"We wish to give our clients more shipment options on all their online purchases ahead of"Improvements in parcel tracking and our suite of delivery options, including parcel redirections and our totally free 24/7 parcel lockers provide clients convenience all the time.

"Our individuals work really tough throughout the year, and take special pride in having the ability to offer our consumers flexibility and assurance understanding all their Christmas purchases will show up securely and on time."

Click here for more details on job openings.

3rd Nov 2018 8:25 AM

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sofuckingchuffed · 7 years

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So I’m gonna write about my mental state below the read more so you can just keep scrolling without being confused and curious about this mysterious ‘keep reading’ post.

However, if you do read this, feel free to message me because I’m in a fucking rutt and I don’t expect anyone to be able to help... I just want love in the form of great SVU fanfics, or something, idk. I’m considering rewatching all the Raul eps for gif inspiration because apparently that show is the only thing making me happy these days.

So anyway.

I’m stuck. I’m trapped. I feel like I’ve fucked myself over so badly in regards to my job situation, and therefore my financial situation, and every time I try and think out a plan for myself I just distract myself with tumblr/fanfic/gifs/movies etc because I’m just fucking scared.

I started my first day working from home as a casual captioner today, and when I dug out my work laptop, I also dug out the official warning letter I received a month before my last day in that job (those events are not entirely unconnected – I had a meeting about said warning and then handed in my resignation the following day). I thought it would be kinda funny to read what they’d said now I wasn’t actually working there. Like, I kinda knew what they’d said because we’d discussed it, but I’d not actually read the letter yet.

So I read it… And I couldn’t even make it the whole way through before I was crying too much to actually read. And then when I composed myself I stupidly continued reading and ended up a mess again. And I’m not really sure why. It’s behind me now, so it shouldn’t be quite so upsetting. But it still feels so fucking unfair, and I’m still so bitter, and I blame that job for the ridiculous state of my mental health at the moment, even though that’s probably unfair – I’ve always struggled with depression and anxiety.

But like… I was so happy when I moved to Sydney and took that job. And I was happy for at least 10 months, I’d say, give or take. But by Christmas it was just kinda wearing on me a bit. The workload for our team had at least tripled since I started, and yet we had LESS staff than when I started. But I still thought I just needed a break… And then that wasn’t enough, but I thought surely my Hawaii holiday in Feb would put me in good spirits… And it did… Until I got back and was instantly miserable again.

Like, I was showing up to work every day feeling awful. I’d wake up with that all too familiar flutter of anxiety in my stomach, and I’d have to remind myself how to breathe for the whole fucking day, even when literally nothing stressful happened, because just BEING there stressed me out. Fucking existing stressed me out. And I was putting all my energy into getting the job done, not letting people down, smiling at people when they said “good morning” and “have a good night”, joining in on team discussions, when all I wanted to do was fucking disappear. And it was just getting worse and worse and March and April felt like the two longest months of my life (like, I legit even now, can’t believe it less than 2 months between me getting back from Hawaii, and me handing in my resignation).

And then on April 11 I got into the office and I had this email from our HR rep asking if I could make myself free to meet with him and my manager about my performance.

And I sat there while they brought up all these tiny things that I hadn’t even considered. All these tiny little things, like not offering to stay back and help while we were down a coord, not being 100% open to provide training for the Sales team, being ‘withdrawn’ from the team, not ‘being a team player’. Apparently ‘members of the team, as well as members from other departments’ had commented on my ‘negative attitude’. And it took everything in my power not to burst into tears, because all the things they were saying were probably true, it just meant I hadn’t been holding it together as well as I thought I had. And yet they’d never said a single fucking word to me. No one asked if I was okay, if something was going on. No one asked me to stay back, asked why I wasn’t joining in, why I wasn’t being helpful. No one fucking mentioned anything to me, so I thought things were business as usual, and I was putting in the appropriate level of effort (read: EVERY OUNCE OF IT I HAD) to get my job done, and get it done well.

And they brought up the TWO deadlines I’d missed and tried to make out like I’d not taken ownership of that and had tried to shift the blame onto other parties. Like, fuck no. No I did not. I went straight to Sales the moment I knew the deadline was going to be missed and let him know I HAD PERSONALLY FUCKED UP. Like, sure, when I was asked how it happened, I explained about lack of resources and whatnot, but I ultimately owned up to the fact that lack of resources wouldn’t have been a problem if I had noticed the looming deadline sooner. I owned my fucking mistakes – of course I fucking did, because I put myself down enough on a regular basis because OF COURSE IT’S MY FAULT, I FAILED AT DOING MY DAMN JOB.

And so I held it together, and I told them I’d take what they said on board, and I spent the whole fucking day on the verge of tears, and then the minute I could leave the office, I called my Dad, and I told him what happened, and I cried so damn much, and we discussed everything I’d been feeling and all my fears about what quitting would mean. And he told me to do it anyway.

And so I went in the next day and gave my 4 weeks notice, and I got the fuck out of there.

But it’s like it’s STILL eating at me. I literally feel like I’ll never be able to function out there in the real world again. I know that’s stupid and over-dramatic, but I am so fucking scared. I’m scared I’ll never be able to hold down a job because everything becomes too much for me in the end. I’m scared I’ll never have real dreams or ambitions. I’m scared I’ll never get anywhere that I want to go because of just that – I’m scared.

And this whole casual captioner thing sounds great in theory, but I currently lack the motivation. And the fact that I’m new to it means I’m slow, and being slow means I earn less money, and that makes me want to give up on the whole thing. And the more negative feedback I receive, the more I just cry. It feels like everything to do with this company makes me cry. Every. Fucking. Thing.

But I’m moving to Melbourne in 3 months. I can’t just find another job now.

And then it’s gonna be so hard for me to find a job in Melbourne with a trip to London booked for December that I can’t fucking afford.

And my parents are too precious. They can see right through me when I tell them I’m okay. They can see how scared I am, and they keep doing these beautiful little supportive things. Keep telling me I can come home any time. Keep telling me if I need money, they will give it to me. Keep offering to pay for my plane tickets, as though they have that kind of money anyway. They just want me to be happy, and it makes me feel so guilty for being so miserable.

And now I’m crying again, and this is the longest fucking rant I think I’ve ever done on this site, and it doesn’t even begin to describe what is going on inside my head.

I’m just scared. Terrified. I feel so alone, even though I know I’m not.

I’m so tempted to take my parents up on the offer to move back home, at least until I move to Melbourne, because I’m so fucking miserable here, and the week I just spent with them was the most care-free I’ve been in months.

But I hate that town. I hate that it’s so far away from everything fun. That’s why I moved to Sydney in the first place. And my parents drive me nuts. I love them, and I appreciate them, but I don’t think I could handle living with them for 3 months.

But I’m so, so scared… Of life. Of everything.

And most of all, I miss my ex best friend so much, every single day, and I hate that. I hate the doubt I feel about how that ended. I hate wanting to reach out to her and see if there’s still a chance to mend things. I hate that I feel like all of this would be easier if she was still in my life. I hate how isolated and alone I feel without her.

Ugh. And if you’ve read this, I’m actually so sorry because this is a self-indulgent mess and it’s actually kinda gross.

#i know I KNOW I should see a doctor #but I find that overwhelming in itself #i think I just find everything overwhelming tbh

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