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petewentzisblack1312 · 3 years

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So this might be a long-winded message but I have a lot of thoughts.

I used to be a 21p fan. I don’t know why, but I think I was just glad that I felt heard (depression wise). When the whole apology for not tweeting about gay marriage shit happened, I was quick to turn a blind eye because everyone else was forgiving him. I think if I had known that I was gay before that, this would probably be a different story. And when Pillow Pilots on YouTube targeted a trans person for pointing out the racism in the song Lane Boy (the infamous I wasn’t raised in the hood lyric) everyone attacked them and Pillow Pilots response to the criticism was ‘it was just a joke.’ Yikes.

And when Tyler tweeted that platform shoes joke, something finally clicked in my brain that Tyler isn’t a good dude. I was hurt because one, I’m black and two, the way fans responded was terrible. They pulled out every excuse in the book. They even forgave him even though he never apologized for it (as far as I’m concerned).

And don’t get me started with Josh Dun. People often forget that he’s just as bad. On his very public Tumblr, he’s reblogged a gif set of a black man rolling up his window so that it showed a picture of a white elderly couple after he got pulled over by the police. He’s done digital blackface when used that one filter on Snapchat to swap his face out with a black person’s face. Again, I turned a blind eye.

I think my whole point with this is that I think the reason white straight fans are easy to defend the behavior is because they don’t recognize how it affects marginalized people. And I think it was easy for me to ignore the racism and the bigotry because I had struggled with my own identity of being black. I desperately wanted to be white and tried to be as white as possible. I’m not saying that it was any excuse to keep backing them up, but it’s just the sad truth.

I’m glad you’re calling them out on their bs. It’s a conversation that needs to be had.

im glad you feel confident and safe enough to talk about it. something i dont talk about very much is the black fans of 21p who continue to defend them, even when josh made his #nerdlivesmatter tweet during the blm protests after the murder of michael brown in lieu of the band extending support, even when tyler made his platform joke, even when the music itself is often racist and i think its important to understand both internalized antiblackness like what youre describing, as well as the desire for community. when its just you in a community of people who cant or wont empathize with your struggles, when people view you as just stirring shit whenever you pipe up about issues, even when youre just being facetious about it, when you are treated like a token minority, its easy to turn a blind eye to this stuff so you dont have to deal with the people you share interests with and talk to turning on you with vitriol and apathy. its safe too. i dont know how to reach every black 21p fan and convince them they deserve better than being a racist fanbases get out of jail free card, but i wish i did.

another aspect of this, to go back to the internalized antiblackness, is that theres this idea that you need to be black in a specific way to count, which leads neurodivergent black people or mixed black people or black people with predominantly white hobbies (which is most hobbies that arent stereotypically black tbqh) to be treated like they are trying to assimilate into whiteness for just expressing themselves. that in turn leads people to actually try to assimilate and see if they can get better treatment by being all the white people in the subculture or communitys black friend if you get what i mean, which feeds into people being wary of black folks with white hobbies, and on and on. its driven by the general force from society for minorities to assimilate into the cultural hegemony, but this is very much how it goes for a lot of black people who "act white".

again, thank you for reaching out. im grateful, and i know this is a difficult thing to admit to.

#dils declares #about the pilots #i love when i write something and as soon as i go read it to make sure it makes sense i get a headache and cant think

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bravest-notts · 5 years

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(suicidal thoughts mention tw but don't worry, it's in the past and ok now) re: your tags on the mm reblog about having immense irl grief- i completely agree with you. obvi everyone experiences things differently and a stubbed toe still hurts when there's starving kids in africa, etc, but i've had irl grief that plunged me into depression for years and led to two near-suicides. and then i see people justifying doing irrational, ridiculous shit or attacking the cast or attacking the fandom (1/2)

with the justification of “it’s all bc i’m grieving for mm, grief is irrational and makes you do things, this is what grief is like!” and a) i did some awful, unhealthy shit when i was in that intense grieving period and it was not & should not have been a get-out-of-jail-free-card and b) i don’t know how to say this w/o sounding like a bitch but it’s not the same thing? he exists just as much now as he did then, still fictional but in fanfic instead of canon. he’s not gone like an irl person is

(grief anon cont because apparently i’m not done with this rant) like obviously i was going through something awful & it was difficult to function like a human being but there was also a point where i had to look at myself and go “ok, this isn’t healthy, i need to figure out a way through this or else i’m gonna be very unhappy & keep treating myself/others worse than they deserve” and i think that part of grieving is important too. not forgetting mm but maybe finding healthier coping mechanisms?

—

boy we’ve apparently had extremely similar life circumstances because reading this was akin to someone quoting the past eight years back at me.

*solidarity hug*

putting this under the cut for grief talk, suicide mention, and other Grim Stuff.

for about four years after my mom died, i was a massive mess to the point of existing at the breaking point for nearly the entire time. three suicide attempts, two hospitalizations, and looking back i am amazed that i actually survived the bouts of starvation and lack of care i put myself through when i was in full breakdown mode. it was… really, really bad. dangerously bad. it was also a massive example of how not to cope with grief.

obviously That Group of mm people are - i hope - not at the depths we’ve been to but yeah, unhealthy handling of loss can manifest in different ways and obsession is absolutely one of them. especially when the dead wasn’t a family member or a friend or someone close to you – strangers, celebrities, they get obsessed over in death.

and god yeah like. i’ve said this so many times i feel like a broken record but people really, really need to examine how they interact with both media and the fandom because yes, a fictional character’s death can and should cause emotions. it absolutely can be tragic and bittersweet and all those things. but… like, look at vax. no one - at least no one i’ve seen - is inserting him into, say, the search for grog/bob and discussing how vm’s choices in those games are due 100% to his attitude in life. vax’s death is engaged with in a more healthy way, treated as the tragic and sad and still incredible end to a beloved character that molly’s also should be.

they’re also not dead. because they never existed in the first place. fictional characters can have large and meaningful impacts on people’s lives and hearts, but in the end… they were never truly real. i would never wish the life-consuming scale of loss i’ve experienced on anyone, ever. i lost half a decade to guilt and grief and absolutely consuming depression, i’ve been in so much emotional agony that i would pray that i’d die in my sleep so that i wouldn’t wake up feeling it in the morning, i cried so hard i threw up every day for weeks. a fictional character’s death… there’s no way to say this without sounding like an insensitive twat, but they’re nowhere near comparable. and if they are, if someone out there is experiencing intense and chronic grief like that over a fake person… seriously go get help, because no one deserves to live in that state.

also!! i’m proud of you for clawing your way out of that deep grief state! i know intimately how incredibly difficult that is and i’m glad that it’s in the past now.

#suicide cw #critical discourse #asks #anon #before anyone asks i am also fine!!#up until two years ago tho i was... not klsjdflds #been a fuckin ride

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surveysonfleek · 6 years

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907.

Is popularity a social disease? if it matters that much to you, then yes, it’s a social disease. Would you want to be a hippie? not really. i respect the lifestyle and culture, i’m just not into it. In college, were you ever given exams with extremely broad and deep questions such as, ‘Why?’ or 'What is truth?’ it wasn’t a ‘what is the truth?’ type situation, it was more about what our opinion on the topic was. Have you knowingly destroyed an endangered plant or animal? nope. Did your parents bronze your first pair of baby shoes? i don’t think so... i’d know if it still existed if they did.

Do you check for a train when crossing tracks in your car even though the arms aren’t down? there aren’t many train crossings in my city tbh. i’ve never actually crossed one after all these years of driving. Is there gossip going around about you right now? i don’t think so. i live a pretty drama free life these days. How many comic strips do you read daily: none. If you were hiding from a burglar, would you hide in the closet or under the bed? under the bed i think. What do you most commonly use milk for: drinking or cooking? cooking. Who should provide the condoms in a relationship: the man or the woman? both should be responsible but the man should definitely always have some. imagine being the woman and always having to provide that? Are you ever afraid that people hate you and they’re just acting like they don’t? haha it’s definitely happened before. When you’re crossing the street with other people, do you ever feel a need to get to the other side first? nope. i just walk in the clearest path possible. Should people be able to go to college without a high school diploma if they score high enough on entrance tests? i mean, i think so. everyone has a right to an education. i don’t think entrance tests would be that easy either. Would you be embarrassed if people could hear you talking to your pets? haha no. If elephants were bred to a smaller size and sold as house pets, would you want one? it’d be a cool idea but probably not. Do you refer to people as 'dude’? no. Do you remember the last time you wrote a 'snail mail’ letter? haha nope. i’m assuming it would’ve been a greeting card though. Do you think beards/mustaches make men look older than they actually are? not particularly. Are you usually the one to initiate sex with your significant other? my boyfriend and i are pretty equal in this situation. When you’re having trouble burping when you feel like you need to, does patting yourself on the chest seem to help? haha no. i just do it. Do you have your wallet with you right now? yes. If it ever came down to a final battle between good and evil and you knew that evil was going to win, who would you fight for? i’d stay away as far from this battle as possible. i hate getting involved in conflict. Do you feel guilty when you borrow money from your parents? haha yes. Do you constantly have times where you have no money and then earn a lot of money and you don’t know what to do with it? no. my money always goes to bills etc. Do you always see yourself as the protagonist in the story of your life? of course. it’s my life. Can you drive by a car accident without staring? yes. i’ll have a quick glance but this shit causes soooo much traffic, even on the lanes going the opposite way. it drives me nuts. Do you find it a challenge to congratulate your opponent who just beat you in a game or competition? haha yes. Do you think that no matter how cold or heartless someone seems there is always at least one thing in the world that they love? yes, definitely. im sure 99.9% of people have a soft spot for something/someone. Who is worse: Someone who doesn’t repay a loan or someone that steals your CDs? someone who doesn’t repay a loan because i don’t own any cds haha. Why do you think so many homosexual men still go without condoms: because they don’t know of the dangers, or because they don’t care? both tbh. When you think about morality, do you think more in terms of good/bad people, or good/bad actions? actions. Which of these female comedians is funnier: Ellen Degeneres or Margaret Cho? i haven’t seen much of magaret cho’s stuff so i’ll just say ellen. Are you scared of dying alone? yes. dying in general. Are you most comfortable being treated by a doctor of the same sex as you? of course. Do you take daily walks? nope. i mean i walk everyday but i not like for exercise. Are there some slang terms you refuse to use? i hate the slang ‘litty’ lol. so cringy. Do you have a favorite pen that you use all the time? haha no. i have ones that i prefer writing with but i don’t have one fave. Have you ever changed an adult’s diaper? no. Do you think it’s dangerous or a good thing when two very depressed people start to date each other? dangerous. it’ll either go one of two ways. down a spiral of negativity if they’re feeding off each other’s problems or positive if they find true happiness within each other.

Do you know a game that is very stupid, yet very addicting? most iphone games haha. i’m totally guilty on this. Do you plan on having your children Christened/Baptised? probably. Would regularly seeing videos of you interacting with people significantly improve your overall human effectiveness? that’d be cool. i think it’d work lol. Have you ever misspelled 'misspell’? i haven’t ever had to use it much. Have you ever stayed up for more than 24 hours to study for an exam? nope. Have you ever been in the back of a moving truck? yes haha. When you were young, did you know some pop stars were gay? probably. Do you have control over how much peace there is in your mind? sure. If you got a backstage pass at a concert, would you feel better than everyone else? um, yes duh. Is your microwave any other color besides white? it’s black. Would you prefer a bagel or an entire breakfast in the morning? i’d prefer the bagel as long as there’s cream cheese. Do you think that couples that elope have a better chance of staying together? every couple is different. i’m not one to make a call on this. Do you know of a frozen dinner that tastes good? ugh, not at all. i hate them. Will public restrooms no longer be separated by gender in the near future? probably. If you do not eat red meat but eat fish are you a vegetarian? isn’t that a pescatarian? When you discard a piece of paper, which of the following are you more likely to do: rip it apart in pieces or crumple it? i’ve done both. if it’s a confidential document i’ll rip it up. Do you wear your pants and shorts above or below your waist line? above usually. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have a sex change operation? yes. i’m assuming it’d be a mentally and physically draining experience. as long as they’re happy though. Do you call margarine 'butter,’ even though you know the difference? haha nope, i’ll call it margarine. Do you bathe less when you are depressed? yes. Should the ASPCA and RSPCA ban the practice of kidney transplants in cats, since cats can’t give consent for the surgery? i have no knowledge on this. Would you ever drink from a bowl or cup made out of human bones? probably not. just a creepy feeling. Does your car normally smell good? i guess so. i’m obsessed with air fresheners. Do you think 9/11 will be the worst thing you will see in your life? i mean it’s up there as one of the most memorable news stories of my childhood. but since i wasn’t there in person, i’m sure there could be worse things i experience personally throughout my life. Do you tend to do more research for school or papers at the library or on the internet? internet. Do you have an outfit you wear that makes you feel like a star? haha no. i’m yet to find the perfect outfit. You are working at McDonald’s frying meat. Your manager is being a jerk and you are ticked. A customer comes in and orders a 20-piece box of nuggets. Out of anger towards your manager, would you pack 20 or more, or 19 or less in that box? 20 or more. the customer didn’t do anything, why should they suffer? Once you’ve made up your mind about the kind of person someone is, can anything they say or do change it? yeah, it’s possible. Is there a single person whose whole existence you might be interested in studying? not seriously. a quick google search will do lol. Do you think that cuddling with a member of the opposite sex, with no intention of sexual relations, is cheating? i think it’s odd. why would you be cuddling someone that wasn’t your significant other in the first place? Which would you be willing to give up the internet for: world peace or immortality? world peace. i cbf being immortal if it means i can never go on the internet anymore. Are you a redneck? no. Do you think by 2050 there will be flying cars? i wouldn’t be surprised. Should politicians be allowed to have a private life? sure. Do you avoid going over to other people’s houses because it makes you feel uncomfortable or out of place? omg yes. i don’t mind it but i always feel so awkward. i’m just so comfortable in my own home, i’d prefer my friends coming over instead. If someone you don’t know too well puts you in the buddy list of his or her profile, would you be suspicious, or would it be OK that he or she did that? depends who it is. Do you have a trash can in every room of your home? most rooms. Who said “I love you” first: you, or your partner? me lol. Do you ever lay down and watch a movie, only to fall asleep in the very beginning and wake up when the movie is over? all the damn time. Do you say 'thank you’ before leaving a store, even though you may not have purchased anything? if someone’s helped me out, then yes definitely. Would you approve if your significant other wanted to have a nude painting done? sure. lol. If there were nine guilty people and one innocent, and they all had to be together, would you put them all in jail or set them all free? depends on the crime. Is your pet also your best friend? of course :) When the toilet backs up, do you call someone to fix it or do you do it yourself? i try to fix it myself. then i pass it on to my parents and then plumber if need be. Have you ever recited a love poem to your significant other? nope. Would you rather be 'all head and no heart’ or 'all heart and no head’? i’d rather be all heart and no head even though i’m probably the opposite. Are your teeth discolored? slightly. When you were a child, did you make or buy your Halloween costumes? mostly make thanks to my mum. Have you ever seen a movie and liked it but upon further viewing come to like it a lot less? nope. If your father was a minister, would you want him to preside over your wedding ceremony? nope. i’d want him to be my father on my special day, not as a minister. Would you prefer to watch porn or a really good comedy? comedy. How long did your longest phone conversation ever last? over 24 hours but technically it was on skype. Do you put your initials on everything you own? no. Do you like or dislike people based on who else likes or dislikes them? no. even with a bad rep, i’d figure them out on my own. Do you have a friend who you hang out with only when there is nothing else to do? haha no, that’s mean. Which is harder: calculus or trigonometry? i hate them both. Do you often find yourself correcting your parents? when it comes to technology...always. If you could stop aging at a certain age, do you know what that age would be? 25ish. Do you more often eat off of real plates or paper plates? real plates. Have you ever had tape over your mouth? i tried it out myself as a kid. haha. If you encountered someone you totally didn’t know and he or she seemed to tell you the solutions to your uniquely specific problems without having been told what they were, would you be more thankful or freaked out? i’d freak out. i’m skeptical about everything. Would you rather eat a raw egg or a scoop of raw hamburger? omg neither. Do shy kids tend to grow up to be freaks? whaaat? not at all. When you put on a shirt, do you button up or down? i button down. Do you scent your letters when you write to a special someone? haha yes, i did it years ago. Is punk influenced more by music or attitude? music. actually idk. Did you ever start a thread that got at least 40 posts? yes. Can you recall the ending of the last story you read? nope. Have you ever had your head stuck in an unusual place? no. Do you have any weird or funny local slang? haha yes. chat, ceebs etc. When you come online, is there always one person you look for? back in the msn days, yes. not anymore. Do lava lamps make you sick looking at them? i never had one, so no. i find them fascinating still. Will Hollywood ever run out of ideas for movies? they’ve already run out. i feel like everything is a remake of something these days. Does P. Diddy telling everyone that he is the new Frank Sinatra make you want to roll your eyes? haha he could not be serious. Do you think the state of the global environment will be better or worse in 50 years? wors. Do you eat dinner in the dining room or in the living room? both. Which Mike Judge cartoon do you prefer: Beavis and Butthead or King of the Hill? neither. never watched them. Have you ever fallen off your chair in public? no. When sleeping, do you face the doorway or have your back to it? face it. Do you find poetry that expresses pain and suffering to be more intriguing than other types? i hate poetry. Do you only pretend looks don’t matter because you’re ugly yourself? haha i don’t pretend. looks matter to an extent. Do you find limericks to be funny and clever or annoying? funny when i was a kid. Do you think you’d be capable of representing yourself in court rather than hiring an attorney to do it for you? no. When you flirt with someone, is it obvious or more subtle? awkward if anything. Which character do you think weighs more: Jabba the Hutt or Fat Bastard? idk lol. Do you think couples break up mainly because of differences they can’t resolve or because they have found someone new? it’s possible to simply fall out of love without having someone else in the picture. Do you reread things that are written well? yes. What hurts more: getting poked in the eye or biting your tongue? poked in the eye. Do you prefer merry-go-rounds or ferris wheels? ferris wheels. better views. Which do you prefer: original or flavored Tootsie Rolls? original. If you had three children, would you rather have two boys and a girl, or two girls and a boy? two girls and a boy. Is having a threesome basically approved cheating? if it’s approved, it’s not cheating. Is it a turn off to you if the woman has a deep, manly voice or if the man has a high, pre-pubescent voice? no. Have you copied (or “ripped”) your entire CD collection onto your computer? yep lol. Do you have buns of steel? i wish! Did you use floaties on your arms when you were learning to swim? yep. Did your first ever snog involve French kissing? no. there was a lot of pecking involved first. Do you know a person who is physically unattractive and yet a flirt? haha yes. Are there a lot of programs on your computer that you don’t know how to use? yep. like half of the adobe cs. Do you live in an uncomfortable environment, such as where you feel you cannot be yourself? nope. If you had discovered a body on the side of the road would you see if it was still alive? i’d be scared shitless but i would and call emergency. Does punishing everyone for the actions of the few get us closer to utopia? hell no. Can you finish an entire 2-liter bottle of soda by yourself in a single sitting? no way. i’d feel like shit. Have your parents ever forbidden you to play a certain type of music in their house? nope. Since you reached dating age, have you been single for more than three years? nope haha. i’ve been taken for most of my dating life. When buying shampoo or soap, do you choose one because of what they put in it, or because you like the smell? i buy based on what they’re supposed to do to my hair. Have you ever had writer’s block? never really had to write since uni, so no.

#survey #surveys #quiz #bored #questions

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awindowintothisworld · 5 years

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May 4th, 2019 - Saturday

I’ve never been very good with introductions, but here we go. This is going to be the start of my personal blog, where I’ll be documenting my life as kind of like a digital journal. I do have a physical one that I keep, but I’ve been having a hard time hand-writing stuff down, so I figured a digital one will be better since I can type better than I can write. As far as names and places go, I will censor for just in case something were to happen with the privacy settings. I’ll write them down somewhere so that I can remember what names I gave everyone, since I have the memory of a sad goldfish. (I’ll go back and make double-check to make sure everything is secure. This blog is not for anyone but myself.)

So where to begin? Maybe a little bit more about myself or should I just go right into what’s been going on? I suppose for the sake of posterity, I’ll go ahead and give a little bit of background about myself. My name is Alissa Mead, born to Carl and Penny Mead. I was born on February 3rd, 1993 in Utah and grew up most of my life in Kaysville, a once very small suburban town in Utah that’s grown exponentially over the years I’ve lived there. It wasn’t until about two or three years ago that we started to experience heavy traffic on main street. Though there is a lot I tend to complain about my little hometown, I have to admit that it’s a pretty neat little place to live, mostly because the architecture still has that “old-timey” vibe. I’ll post a couple of really cool old black-and-white photos I found off of google. It’s weird to see how much it’s changed since 1913, what was dated on one of the photos I’ve found. I actually only just found out too that Kaysville was settled back in 1868. That’s cool.

Anyway, I come from a fairly large family. We have 8 in total, including me and my parents. I have three sisters and two brothers, the oldest being Amber, and the rest, in order being Ryan, Ashley, Me, Quetin, and Alaina. I grew up in a little home, about 1,000 square feet, just a couple blocks away from main street. It’s a little brick home with three bedrooms and one bathroom. It sounds crazy that we managed to cram 8 people into that little box, but we did it and I feel like we all turned out okay. Most of my siblings are moved out and have families, minus me and my little brother, Quetin. Amber has married a funny and large man by the name of Jason and have five kids, four of them being twins. You have Abby and Own, (twins,) Oliver, and then Ira and Elis, (who are also twins.) They’re all very social and very hilarious kids. They’re not afraid to speak their minds and ask you endless amounts of questions. They’re quite the handful, so I commend Amber and her husband for being able to handle them on the daily. I do love them though.

Ryan is married to a cute Latina girl names Candice. We don’t see them much, and as much as I hate to say it, I don’t mind that. Ryan has always left a foul taste in everyone’s mouth, since he doesn’t exactly have the best track record with anyone in my family. He’s managed to fuck everyone over in some way or another. From maxing out every credit card my mom had ever owned, to stealing Amber’s social security and ruining her credit score badly enough that it took her years to bounce back from it, and stealing nearly $2,000 from me because I stupidly let him have access to my bank account when I willing helped him out with buying a birthday present for his little girl, Maylee, who was born from another marriage before he and his first were divorced, due to Ryan’s bad habits and compulsive lying. However, that didn’t mean his first wife wasn’t just as scummy. Actually, no. Whitney wasn’t a bad person, her mother was. But that will perhaps be another tale for another day, since it’s a rather long one. Anyway, how Ryan managed to keep from being thrown into jail will always be a mystery to me, but because of all the shit he has pulled, everyone has been very careful as to what they say and bring to family events we know he is going to. It may be surprising to a lot of people, but we’ve never excommunicated him from our family. Why? Because he’s family, regardless of what he’s done. I still call him my brother, but that doesn’t mean I trust him. At all.

Ashley is married a man named Walter, who I would say is my favorite in-law just because I get along with him the best. He’s quiet, and comes off very grumpy and a bit stuck-up since he doesn’t talk to anyone much, but that’s just because he’s shy and is still a little uncomfortable around our family. Ashley and I had a conversation about this, and we think it might be because of the strict religious values my family holds. (That I do not anymore. I’ll explain this later.) Walter grew up in a very non-LDS home, so I guess he just feels a little out-of-place with us since we behave in a way that he’s not, I guess, familiar with? Even though he’s LDS himself. It’s kind of a weird and complicated situation to explain, but I can completely understand where he’s coming from. He and I bonded over video-games and other nerdy things, which is why I think we got along so well the first time we met. He’s even invited me to some of his works games nights, where they sit around and play video games. And no, before anyone assumes anything, (you fucking nasty,) nothing fishy is going on. He loves Ashley with all his heart, and treats her like a queen. I’m just the cool in-law he likes to hang with. Plus, Ashley has always been present whenever we’d meet up. She and Walter don’t have kids, even though Ashley really wants them. Maybe we’ll see some little Steeds running around here within a few years, but who knows.

Quentin is still living at home with my dad. He’s newly “returned” as an LDS missionary and I would consider to be my very best friend out of all of my siblings. He served a service mission here at home because of his Addison’s Disease (also known as primary adrenal insufficiency and hypocortisolism, is a long-term endocrine disorder in which the adrenal glands do not produce enough steroid hormones. Symptoms generally come on slowly and may include abdominal pain, weakness, and weight loss. According to Google.) It’s also an auto-immune disorder that assaults the adrenal gland and, basically, renders your fight-or-flight reflex obsolete. We actually didn’t know he had this until just a few years ago, when he quite literally almost died because of it. It’s an extremely rare disease that his doctors were comically were so excited to diagnose, just because of how uncommon it was.

Quentin is an awkward nerdy kid who has an obsession with cars and Pokemon. He also has an ungodly talent for comedic timing. I don’t know how that kid does it, but he can make the most mundane sentence into pure comedy gold. I’m extremely jealous of it. As I said, he’s living at home with my sweet papa and working 9 to 5 job at the DI, or Deseret Industry.

Last of my siblings is Alaina, who is married to a complete sweetheart who is named Braden. They have a cute little daughter named Della who has been diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis. (Which is a respiratory disease.) Alaina is a very sweet and head-strong little lady whom I haven’t been able to get along with very well. We don’t exactly fight very often, and she has never done anything that would warrant any bad blood between us, we just don’t exactly get each other. She’s very much one way, and I’m just the exact opposite. Ashley and I have talked about this, and she feels the same way. Alaina is just very much her own person and has a very set way of how she does things, and we just can’t quite get on the same wave-length. I think Amber and Quentin have managed to get passed the barrier, but Ashley and I haven’t. Neither has Ryan.

As for me, I’m about as much of a bachelorette as they come. I’m currently living in my hometown with a roommate in her grandmother’s basement. It’s a strange situation, I know, but I’m totally for it since the rent is free and her grandma doesn’t bother us much. For the year we’ve lived there, I think I can only think of maybe one time that she did something that really upset me. (She walked in on me while I was bare-naked and trying to get ready to go out. In my bedroom. I wasn’t happy.) So I can’t complain too much!

I’ve been working for the same retirement facility for about four years now, who of them being a server when I first started out. My third and fourth being with the department I’m in now, which the official title is “night security,” but I’m more of a night time receptionist and housekeeper, so it isn’t as cool as it sounds. I quite honestly hate my job. The hours are long (12 hours each shift, and I usually work three in a row, 8 to 8,) I don’t get to see the sun much, and I get to miss out on a lot of day-time activities because I’m either too tired or I have to work that night. It’s also started to really effect my physical and mental health. I’ve noticed that my depression and anxiety has been getting worse, my body is constantly aching and in pain because I sleep too much, and I’ve started to hallucinate a little bit. It’s nothing too intense, I just see weird shapes and people out of the corner of my eye for a couple seconds and then they’re gone, but it happens pretty often. I’m hoping that something that I really want to do will come up and I can apply to that, but after working this job and knowing how miserable I am doing it, I really want to find a job that I’ll like. The problem is that I don’t really know where that would be, and if the pay will be the same. I’m currently making about $11.75 an hour where I am, and I don’t think I’d be willing to go any lower. I know for some places, that isn’t a lot, but here in Utah, we don’t have the new “standard minimum wage” which is like $12 or something . . . Personally, I think that’s outrageous because you’re not suppose to live off of minimum wage. The minimum wage is suppose to be a starting point for people who are just starting out in the work force, and work their way up to a higher pay grade, but America is America and they made a big stink about that quite a few years back. (I can’t remember exactly when, but I know that California has implemented it. What a little bitch.)

I’m mostly just living life, trying to experience new things, and making an effort to try and meet new people. Since I work nights and most of my friends are either married or are complete hermits, (like my dear roommate,) it’s been pretty hard for me to get out there and see people, as well as find someone to date. So, to combat that, I’ve sucked up my pride and lowered my standards to sign up for an online dating site called Tinder. I’ve gone on a couple of dates, and for the most part they have been pretty good. (Minus maybe the first one, because it ended up crashing and burning after the second date, but more on that later because it still upsets me when I think about it. Listen to your gut kids. You’ll thank yourself later.) I’ve been talking with a couple of people and I might go on a date with some of them, but it’s been hard because since I work nights, I’m really bad at responding to them in a more consistent way, which is a huge flaw I need to work on.

I’m sorry to cut this off in a really weird spot, but I’m just now checking the clock and I need to get to work. I’ll be sure to continue this again tomorrow! Until then, cheers!

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