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mbrainspaz · 4 years

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2018 End of Year Survey

here we go again-- (*******DISCLAIMER: I held off posting this one for nearly 2 years because I was in a very dark place that December. I want to post it now just to get it out of my drafts folder and off my mind. If you struggle with depression you may want to skip this one. Things did get better. They always do.*********)

1. What did you do in 2018 that you’d never done before?

Kissed a stranger or two.

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don’t think I had a resolution. I think I just had a hangover.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? probably. There are so many babies on facebook I loose track.

4. Did anyone close to you die? I’m not sure I can count Avicii for this one, but his death hit me really hard. His music meant a lot to me and kept me going through some dark times. It was really tragic. One of my grandma’s close friends died suddenly too, and a week later I realized she posted a comment on my facebook that I never replied too. Long story short, I ended up thinking about death a lot this year.

5. What countries did you visit? Just the old U S of A. Travel budget never materialized.

6. What would you like to have in 2019 that you lacked in 2018? Hope. Oh, and money.

7. What date from 2018 will remain etched upon your memory? The night a guy I thought of as one of my closest friends and the closest thing I ever had to a ‘soulmate’ cursed at me and blocked me. It’s been months but I started crying about it last night again.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Still alive.

9. What was your biggest failure? Jeeze, so many options. Putting myself in a situation where I could think too much. Failing to launch my webcomic. Not putting enough energy into my business. Drinking too much. Not getting out enough.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I got sick so many times I lost count. In mid-August I did some math and figured I’d been sick for roughly 46% of the year. No idea why. Just the universe kicking me while I’m down, I guess.

11. What was the best thing you bought? I got a really old complete edition of the Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy for $2 at a yard sale. It has mysterious stains all over it. I will probably never read it because I have the audiobooks. It just makes me feel nice.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? My dog Han has gotten pretty great at walking without a leash.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? My whole family laid into me all year at different times for various things. I probably deserved some of it but it didn’t help. That’s just what living near my family is like. That’s why I was so excited to get away from them in 2010. I really shouldn’t have ever come back. They’re just too good at expecting me to fail. I’m too good at exceeding expectations--so I failed extra hard.

14. Where did most of your money go? Medical fees. For me and for my dogs. It was a tough year for all of us.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Free food.

16. What song/album will always remind you of 2018? You Owe Me - Chainsmokers Oh Devil - Electric Guest Don’t Give Up On Me - Kill the Noise & Illenium High Hopes - Panic! At the Disco Broken Arrows - Avicii Last Day Alive - Chainsmokers Old Fashioned - Panic! At the Disco Give Yourself A Try - The 1975 Take Her Place - Don Diablo ft. ARIZONA Freaking Out - ARIZONA Connection - One Republic Narcissist - No Rome ft. The 1975 Lift Me From The Ground - San Holo Insomniac - Trip Lee Sad Sad Summer - Kelsey Karter JT - Jon Bellion Electric Touch - ARIZONA

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? Sadder. ii. thinner or fatter? Same. iii. richer or poorer? 9$ and a jar of coins to my name, buddy.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Working. I wish I could’ve found the motivation to work more, and then found more work to actually work on. I was sick and depressed so often, I don’t know anymore if I’m lazy or if life is just beating the crap outta me. Neither option really changes things.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Thinking and trying to figure out what I want or how to be happy. Happiness is irrelevant.

20. How did you spend Christmas? At the lake with some of the family. I tried to buy my brother a camp cookware set for his birthday but the delivery failed and I didn’t really get anyone anything.

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with? My best friend again. Sometimes she just called to remind me to eat lunch, which I really appreciated.

22. Did you fall in love in 2018? Nope, but still managed to get my heart broken.

23. How many one night stands in this last year? *obligatory eye-roll*

24. What was your favorite TV program? Trollhunters ended. Daredevil Season 3 really knocked it out of the park. Jodie Whittaker as the Doctor has been awesome.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? me.

26. What was the best book you read? Mostly I re-read stuff this year because I needed familiar stories, but Odd Thomas turned out to be a fun new read.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? I was pretty psyched when I found Janelle Monae but turns out I only like her old stuff from before she went all Pop-sounding. And not to be a hipster but Clean Bandit was better before they turned into bland Pop too.

28. What did you want and get? A side-job working at a ranch, but only sometimes.

29. What did you want and not get? More work.

30. What was your favorite film of this year? Into The Spider-Verse. The year couldn’t be all bad with a movie that great in it.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 26. My family took me riding on the beach in Corpus Christi. Mom tried to make it a surprise but she’s not good at those so I had to spend several days pretending to not be excited. It was great. My horse was named Money. Still can’t believe they actually gave me a smart horse and let me trot circles around everyone.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Having enough work.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2018? “Your outfit is so cute!” "Cool, it was 2$ at goodwill.”

34. What kept you sane? If this was 1818 they’d’ve locked me away by now.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Anton Yelchin. Yeah I know.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? Just fed up with people being racist morons. Mostly people who’re related to me. But like, bless their hearts I guess.

37. Who did you miss? I still miss my friends from OKC. Haven’t really made any new ones.

38. Who was the best new person you met? I guess those artists I met at a bar in Austin last week were pretty cool.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2018. I don’t think there’s any skill a person can develop that is more important than an ability to call oneself out on one’s own BS and I would like to do so right now by admitting that I am terrible at calling myself out about my own BS. - iphone Note, 11/23/18

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

“I bet you thought your life would change But you're sat on a train again Your memories are sceneries For things you said but never really meant You build it too high to say goodbye Because you're not the same as them But your death, it won't happen to you It happens to your family and your friends, I pretend

And I always wanna die sometimes I always wanna die sometimes

You win, you lose, you sing the blues There's no point in buying concrete shoes, I refuse

And I always wanna die sometimes I always wanna die sometimes I always wanna die

Am I me through geography? A face collapsed through entropy I can hardly speak And when I try, it's nothing but a squeak On the video, living room for small If you can't survive, just try

And I always wanna die sometimes”

#depression tw #suicide tw #year in review #from 2018 #sad post #things that happened #personal problems #long text post #memories

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