#dude I havent known who I am all week. i just realized that.

[spade-club]

I cant eat tonight so I cant take my meds. I really should have thought this one through. I guess we're just going to have to keep on with mental breakdown week. Today was good though, spent time with the roommates* so I wasnt alone. I feel like 3 days have passed today but I've been okay and thats the important part.

#*parents #but I am simply tired of acknowledging them as such today. #dude I havent known who I am all week. i just realized that. #wild. anyway- #I have animal crossing and new music for listening and coffee so I think I'll be okay #I have decaf coffee now so I can make myself more coffee whenever I want throughout the day!! #which is like. huge news. I think it will do good for me tomorrow #also I have to do work tomorrow because I've put off... a lot and deadlines soon so uh #idk. I have things to do is what I'm saying! many many coping mechanism. I will use them all #might even find a movie to watch or something too. that would be good #maybe I could rewatch veronica mars again.... so many options! #okay goodnight. will uh.... idk. exist later

[glumpiglet]

Beetlejuice meeting his S/O and shes a ghost?

Hi..Thank you for the request.. I had a lot of fun with this one.. It really got away from me lol I hope you like it <3 to those who requested I havent forgotten about you, it’s just easier for me to write on the weekend when I’m not working. K love you guys

Warning: bit of swearing.. basic beej innuendos... thats it.

If you had known that when you woke up that Wednesday, it would have been your last day alive, you probably would have done so not hungover. Stumbling out of bed, sheets still clutching at your legs, you swore at the morning sun shining once again for the high, wide windows in all the bedrooms. It was on the list to replace the sheer curtains, but fabric that long was hard to find and not cheap to buy.

When Great Aunt Gerdy left you her house, the only wish she had was to ‘preserve, protect, and breath life back into Windflew Manor.’

Sweet, naive Gertrude. Spun of sugar more than flesh, your great aunt had been the youngest of twelve and definitely your favourite family member. Growing up, you fondly remembered spending summers here, riding your bike through the halls on rainy days, playing ‘Pirates and Rogues’ in the backyard with Gerdy and her children.

When you got older you begged to still come to the Manor; Gertrude watched you grow and in her own mind, Auntie Gerdy had assumed you would follow the steps of the women in your family, hunker down with a fine man, pop out some kids every few years.

As you said, Gertrude was tragically naive. Never had the heart to ever tell her the truth. That marriage….Children? Had never even entered the equations of goals. You wanted a spontaneous, fun life full of breakable things. Adventure. 

But also it was known that if you didn’t take this house, it would have gone to an auction. It broke your heart the way her children acted, their mother was one of the greatest women you had ever met, a role model. It was what she wanted. You couldn’t do that to Aunt Gerdy. So with hesitant determination, you had set about restoring Windflew Manor.

Due to funds, you were forced to do most of the work, getting help for a few handier friends. But it had been coming along nicely, room by room the cobwebs and mold were disappearing. It was satisfying work.  

Resting your head against the shower wall, however, you didn’t think you could find the strength to tackle the gardens today. It was all your friend's fault, ‘one more drink (Y/N), we’ve worked so hard!’ 

Exiting the shower, wiping the fog from the mirror, you reflected on how tired the image looked as you moisturized, changing into comfy shorts and a tank top without bothering to properly dry yourself. It was a warm day and you liked the cool moisture mixed with the lotion slicking your skin.

Just as you began brushing your teeth, the doorbell rang multiple times. Who the hell was that this early in the morning? The sound came again, more insistent and you had to roll your eyes.

“I’m coming, I’m coming. Hold your horses..” Sprinting down the hallway, trying to steady on the banister, you felt the gravity shift as your feet slid across the hardwood.

You supposed everyone would lament your damned clumsiness, your carelessness. Imprinted on the skin, you held the reminders of how prone to accidents you had been. It had been a joke in the family for years. ‘(Y/N) is gonna kill herself one day!’ 

It was only a matter of time. 

Swing your hand wildly, nothing could be gripped as you felt yourself swinging forward, hurdling towards the twenty-six flight of stairs that as a child, never it was considered it would have spelled your end….  

**

Turns out, it had been nothing more than a neighbor, wanting to let you know the street sweepers would be out tomorrow. 

Life was funny that way. 

Watching in dull horror as the EMT’s took your body away, trying to process the following information.. It came to you so obviously even though it sounded crazy: You weren’t having some out of body experience… You hadn’t taken any hallucinogenic drugs lately.. You were dead. 

Thinking about what the afterlife would have been: Heaven, Hell, Purgatory…. Haunting Auntie’s empty house had not been on the top of the list. 

Time was meaningless now, you could look at the grandfather clock and see two p.m and look five minutes later and see eleven a.m. it was always cold. You cursed not wearing something warmer than your p.j’s that last morning, not that you thought it would have helped. 

Going outside had been a big no-no. Whatever fucked up colossal worm creature had been out there when you tried the one time to leave, was obviously meant to be keeping you here. So here you stayed.

It could have been only a day you spent dead and lonely in the house. Or a week. A month. Years. You were being a little dramatic, you knew it hadn’t been years. Friends and family came by, grieving openly, making your heartbreak; and removing all your items, which was even worse. Obviously to be sold off or stored in your old room. A time capsule.

On one of the many days that found you aimlessly wandering the halls, a book fell before you without pretense. Equal parts startled and puzzled, well as much as a ghost could be, you picked it up.  

‘Handbook for the Recently Deceased..’

Gripping the pages, intent to open, you were halted as your front door swung open. A dozen or so handsome, young men carrying multiple packed things burst into Aunt Gerdy’s foyer, laughing and chatting loudly.  

“Aw, dude this place is awesome!”

“Look at all the space!”

“Get that pong table over there!”

“What the fuck!?”

Stomping forward, you were about to raise your voice louder before you stopped yourself….Right, stupid... They couldn’t see you… The whole ‘being dead thing’.

Watching in impotent rage as they slammed their things on the hardwood floor, scuffing their sneakers on the expensive carpets you had saved every penny for…

This was not good. Not good at all.

**

You had been right.

It wasn’t hard to not like these kids. You weren’t really into the whole ‘boys would be boys’ excuse for male idiocy in their youths. 

You didn’t like the way they treated each other, the archaic ‘hazing’ they would often do leaving you feeling ill. You didn’t like the way they treated the girls they used and laughed as they were forced down the traditional ‘walk of shame’ making you furious.

You especially did not like the way they treated the Manor. It was terrible, gaudy streamers and tacky posters were pinned to the walls. Daily parties...Keggers…. Were held here, the place was a war zone. Litter and garbage cluttered every hall and you were beginning to tear your hair out in helplessness. 

They had turned your Aunt’s treasured home and your hardworking project into a frat house. It was just rude.

What were you gonna do? Time passed and you watched as the house grew further and further into decay when a lightbulb burst unexpectedly. 

Realizing your answer, you hoped the discarded handbook was still where you had dropped it. Returning to the living room, you sighed in relief at seeing the odd-looking text where you left it. Walking up to it, however, you noticed something there that wasn’t there before. 

A card, dusty, and sticking out of a random page. Bending down you began pulling at it, fingering the worn edges. You lifted it up into the light, trying to read it under all the dirt caked on. On the card, it just said one word three times, strangely compelled you said it out loud.

“Betelgeuse… Betelgeuse…. Betelgeuse?”

The burst of smoke made you hack instantly, it was like someone smoked weed in an embalming room, pungent and eye-watering. 

It was a man. Well, no. Not a human man in any case. Duh. You would say this was the weirdest thing to ever happen to you, but nothing was normal after you died apparently.

Observing as he waved his hands, stepping out of the cloud, you couldn’t help the widening of your eyes...He was.. Definitely interesting looking.. 

“Geez, did I come late to the party or what-… Woah.”  

He looked awful and smelt even worse, and why the hell was he here?

The… Character that stepped had gone silent. Awkward and stilted, you struggled to speak. It couldn’t help being noticed his... Hair was changing colour… Most certainly going from an almost neon green to baby pink…. What was he? 

“Don’t be afraid. You’re dead. I am also dead.” There was a moment before an incredulous giggle escaped your lips, you couldn’t help but realize it had been the first time you laughed since.. Well..

“Yeah, I figured that. From... You know… Seeing my dead body get taken away.” The two of you stared at each other for what felt like an eternity, the silence deafening. 

Before he pounced. Flouncing over in a comical manner, he began to circle you, the humour disappearing from you at the look in his eye. 

“Huh, that line usually doesn’t work.. You’re surprisingly calm..” Turning your head until you couldn’t anymore, you swiveled striving for eye contact. He completed his journey around and stood in front of you, seeming to be searching for something. Before he held his grimey hand out…. The intense desire to hesitate held you still. 

It didn’t seem to deter him in the slightest.

“Hello! A pleasure to meetcha-” Leaning forward, you realized in just enough time what he was doing before he could press his lips to yours, jumping back. 

“Uh, excuse me!?” 

“Can’t blame a demon for trying, babes. Anyways uh… What can I do for you?” He fidgeted with his jacket, pulling at the cuffs and flapping the lapels, wafting his stench towards you making you gag. Covering your nose you murmured beyond belief.

“What do you mean?”

“Well usually I only get called when someone needs something from me….. Bio-exorcism. Homicide. Sexual pleasure. I do it all.” This guy couldn’t actually be serious… You shook your head, none of this was helping. You had gone to the book for an answer and had only gotten even more questions. 

“I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about dude, I just found this card in this book. Anyways, what is happening right now? Who are you and why can you see me?”

Snickering, he continued to very eagerly invade your personal space and it was getting harder to find the space in the living room. The predator was cornering.

“You said my name, sexy. You called me.” 

What kind of name was Betelgeuse? Deciding immediately to shorten it for ease, you opened your mouth but apparently, he was on a roll, and continued. 

“And I already told you.. We’re dead. Deceased. Post Mortem.” Bumping into the wall, just hearing the words from someone else’s lips made you stop… Well, dead. Pun intended. Before they could be halted tears were gathering in your eyes… You weren’t even that emotional about it anymore, had already spent endless nights sobbing about what-ifs and regrets...Not for a while, still, it never got any easier to think about. 

Trying and failing miserably to hide the sniffles, you peered at BJ’s surprised expression. 

“Shit...shit..shit. I didn’t mean to do that…. Don’t cry,” Wiping at stubborn tears that fell against your wishes, you could see BJ shuffle his feet, looking extremely uncomfortable at your sudden breakdown. You tried to calm him, ironically.

“No, I’m fine. It’s just… Not been that great so far... Sometimes I think I might be in hell.” Staring at the ground, you had the overwhelming wish once again for it to finally swallow you whole and take you where you belonged.

“Is it… Your current occupants?”

“It certainly doesn’t help.” Looking up at BJ’s tilted head and rapt expression, the need to confide was making you continue.

“My Aunt left me this house and… I’ve hated seeing what they're doing to it.” BJ looked to be contemplating something before he spoke.

“I could help you.”

You looked at him “What do you mean?”

“I told you.. Again... Sweetheart, you’re smokin’ hot but your memory’s shit. I’m a Bio-exorcist. Getting breathers out is my forte. Well, most breathers can’t see me… But I can teach you! Breathers are waay more likely to see a ghost than a demon.” Riveted by what he was saying, you didn’t realize his pursuit until you felt his grip sound your waist, pulling you closer.

“Mmm… Get you in a little school uniform.. Give you extra credit...” Blatantly ignoring him, focusing on the important part of what he said. 

“What you’re saying is we can get these kids out of here?”

“Of course babes. I take my job very seriously.” Shooting him an incredulous look, you managed to extract from him without much ease, he was really touchy for someone you just met.

“Yeah, I noticed…”

This was insanity. You weren’t actually considering letting this.. Demon?! To teach you how to scare the young men living in your house. It was dangerous and crazy.

Even more, there was no other option. Desperate times.

“Then you’re hired,”

“Oh, this is gonna be so good!” Once again having to duck away from his advance, you pressed a hand to the dirty front of his suit, holding him at bay.

“Stop that,”

“Hmm... Playing hard to get, I respect that.”

Maybe this wasn’t a great idea.

**

In hindsight, it worked out perfectly. Beej, as he had assured, was very good at his job. Just because that job entailed scaring the shit out of anyone and anything around him shouldn’t be held against him. 

Once again, incredulously if you had known in your life that your love of horror movies would have come in handy in your afterlife, you would have paid much more attention.  

Beej was impressed with your novice skill. The voice throwing came naturally to you, and your favourite trick was hiding in the corner of one of their bedrooms, positioning your arms and legs at odd angles and whispering to the sleeping boys, stifling giggles as they awoke, petrified and flew downstairs, waking everyone else in the house.

None of them could actually see you, but you had sworn the one redheaded one had locked eyes in the bathroom mirror, the two of you paused before the urge to scare rapidly left and the need to leave arose. Walking out the bathroom his eyes had definitely followed. 

He never told his friends about it, but BJ had said he watched him lay awake more than one night, clutching his sheets a little too tight. 

Possession was something you felt was unnecessary. Beej had often offered to uh.. Show you how it worked but the thought of BJ well.. Inside of you… It made your skin crawl and you didn’t know if it was from repulsion or excitement.

BJ was.. Unexpected in the best way. Devilishly Intelligent. Hilarious and.. You saw glimpses of his sweetness. He bashfully gave you dead flowers from the garden and was constantly sending you praises that would make you blush if you still had blood. How beautiful you were, how great of a scarer you were…. After getting over the whole stink thing, he was really cute and you might have been... Falling for him. Just the thought made you terrified. 

It all came to an end gradually. It was unexpected, you thought it would have been some big final fright, using all of your cunning ghostly powers. But no, one by one they just disappeared. Claiming to be moving back with family, dropping out, or simply leaving for ‘reasons’.

On the day you stood in the kitchen, now empty save for a few left behind appliances, the beaming smile sent to BJ couldn’t be contained.

“We did it.”

“You did it, babes. I was uh- Just along for the ride, I guess.”

Shifting closer to him, you saw with amusement Beej staring at your lips. The BJ of before would have taken your closeness as an immediate seduction, trying his luck. Now the fact he was trying to control himself, made your heart swell. 

The moment was broken by the sound of the front door opening, you held your breath to see who, or what entered.

A beautiful couple entered, followed by an obvious real estate agent, discussing the house. The couple seemed too good to be true, polite, and awed at the house. Seeing the little bundle of a baby tucked in the mother’s arm as they continued their inspection. You supposed in a way Aunt Gertrude had gotten her wish. And that could be enough.

You turned to Beej watching the scene with an odd countenance.   

“Thank you BJ, really. I’ve had a lot of fun.” You finally noticed. There was purple in his hair, something was making him sad.

“Why does it sound like you're saying goodbye?” 

Oh. oh.

Struggling to answer him, you watched as he further sank in himself. “I read the book, BJ..The Netherworld… Shouldn’t I be…”

“Not yet! Once you get there… We won’t be able to see each other this much... Haven’t we been having fun?” 

“Of course but-”

“Don’t leave!” His voice was frantic, higher-pitched than you ever heard, you couldn’t find the words to calm him.

“Please! I’ll… I’ve been looking into something…” The moment took the oddest turn when Beej practically flew to his knees, reaching out to you to clasp your hands between his before clearly speaking two words you never imagined him saying.

“Marry me.”

The words shocked you. Scandalized, you said the one thing you could.

“Beetlejuice!” That wasn’t it, the look on his face broke you. It was pitiful, desperate.

“No nonono say something else babes, let me explain!” You reached out, stroking his stubble as his giant, golden eyes glittered at you with so many emotions swirling.

“I’m not gonna send you away Beej, stop please.” Taking deep breaths between you, the urge to sink to the floor with him ran over you. Somewhere in your mind you realized how stupid this was, two ghosts having a panic attack in the kitchen, but weirder things have happened.

“If I… Marry a breather. I get brought to life. So I’ve been thinking..” Beej was asking to marry you.. Could ghosts and demons even get married? Would you have a wedding? Invite other ghosts to the ceremony?

“I don’t know BJ… We don’t even know if it will work,” You hadn’t said ‘no’ yet. At the moment, you couldn’t find the desire to do so. You liked Beej, it was the little things in death you realized that mattered. 

“What have we got to lose?.. I thought..”

Looking at him, on the floor with you. Overwhelmed with affection, you leaned forward, noting with glee Beej’s astonishment. Kissing the ghost with the most was... Everything and nothing what you expected. His tasted like cigarettes and dirt, still you leaned into him more.

The one thing that could make death totally rad. Being with him. He was absolutely right. Pulling away, looking at his blissed out face, eyes staying closed, you gave him your answer. 

“Yes. Okay. I’ll marry you.”

#beetlejuice the musical #beetlejuice #beetlejuice musical #beetlejuice x reader #beetlejuice broadway #betelgeuse #charles deetz #lydia deetz #delia deetz #adam maitland #barbara maitland #beetlejuice request

[wittywallflower]

One of them (probs Pen) getting so jealous she sprouts out she is in love with Schneider

Here it is!

Group therapy leads Penelope to an epiphany about her feelings for Schneider

“Penelope, we havent heard from you yet.” Pam kept her voice admirably neutral.

“I don’t got a lot to say.” Penelope waved off the group therapy leader with a smile.

More than one eyebrow went up. The Cuban was not known as being the wallflower of the group. Penelope knew that and didn’t fail to notice the disbelief on some faces.

“Really.” She insisted “Things are really good right now. I don’t need to take the time away from people with problems they need to talk about. You’ve all listened to my problems plenty.”

“And we are always here to help with those.” Pam said. "But its important for all of us to take the time to acknowledge and celebrate the good things as well. Seeing each other succeed and be happy is a reminder that its possible for all of us, no matter what we are dealing with.”

The women around the circle nodded at that. The therapy meetings helped them in a lot of ways. They had shed a lot of tears together but also shared a lot of smiles and a lot of laughter.

“So, Penelope, would you like to share the good things with us?” Pam asked.

“Okay, well”, Penelope rubbed her palms down her jeans as she considered where to begin. “As you know, i finished my exams. I am officially an NP.”

She took a moment to preen as there was another round of congratulations from her friends.

“And honestly, its like I can breathe again. So much of the pressure is off; no more tests, no more studying, no more researching the reproductive habits of frogs, as if that’s ever going to come up when i am treating bronchitis.” She shook her head, pantomiming shaking off that mental load. “I’m not even nervous about doing the job, I actually feel totally confident in my abilities.”

Which was a marvel when she remembered how she used to second guess her decisions as a nurse, asking Dr. Berkowitz for a consult on so many things she wouldn't question these days.

“Mi mami’s doctor is really pleased with her health, she’s not even fighting me about some of the dietary changes anymore. Elena is an essay writing machine right now, she is raking in so many scholarships for college. So that’s an anxiety attack i don't have to have until next year. Let’s see, what else… Alex has his first serious girlfriend now.”

That had the group chuckling and those who had mothered teen boys expressed their sympathies.

“Yeah, I hear that.” Penelope continued. “But I’ve met her and her family goes to my church. She’s a real good girl. One of the ones we would have called stuck up prudes back in high school, you know? Even Alex couldn’t charm her into anything too bad.

“My tax return was very nice this year. Oh, and I tried that tapas place 3 blocks over on Cayuga street with Schneider last weekend! Food’s a little pricey but the drinks are cheap and really good. We should all go sometime.”

The expected reaction would be for the group to enthuse about a new place to grab post-therapy cocktails but instead Penelope met mostly questioning faces.

“So you’re finally dating that dude?” Ramona asked.

“What? Schneider?” Penelope shook her head in denial. "No, we just got dinner together.”

“Just the two of you?” Penelope nodded in answer to that. “The two of you at a trendy new restaurant on a date night?”

“Yeah, but it wasn’t a date. We eat together most nights.” she said.

“At home with your mom and kids, not alone out on the town. Did you split the bill?”

“Well, no, he paid.” Penelope had to admit, but she was quick to explain. “But that’s just because he lost a bet we had."

I don’t know,” Ramona said, "still sounds a lot like a date. Do you two usually hang out together when one of you isn't having a crisis?”

“No.”

Not without the rest of the family around. But for the group, that just made their solo outing together seem more significant.

Jill tried to back her up.

“It better not be a date. Doesn’t that Schneider guy have a girlfriend?” she asked.

“Actually, they broke up.” Penelope had to admit.

“Really?”

Jill raised an eyebrow and grinned at the other women, who she had spoken to at length about Schneider’s attractiveness after meeting him at Penelope’s place. Then Penelope’s car was in the shop once, requiring Schneider to drop her off at a meeting. They’d all taken a good long look for themselves that night; after that he became a regular topic of admiring conversation.

“So if he isn’t dating her, and he isn’t dating you… what’s he doing Friday night?” Jill asked.

The group laughed and Penelope joined them at first but then waved the idea off.

“Actually there’s some old musical airing on one of the Spanish channels that night, he promised to watch it with my mom,” she said.

It was really sweet of Schneider to agree to that. The old films tended to make Lydia emotional with memories of home and her Berto. Schneider loved listening to her stories and was always good at cheering the older woman up with requests for dancing lessons or some gentle flirting.

Penelope sensed the stares from the group again. What? It wasn’t that weird for a man to sacrifice his Friday night to keep an old lady he wasn't even related to company. At least not if that man was Schneider. He did macrame with his tenants so they wouldn’t get lonely, por dios. Abruptly, Penelope shifted gears.

“But if you want, Jill,” she joked, elbowing her friend in the side, “I can ask if he is free Saturday night.”

Jill shook her head with a grin. “I’m busy Saturday, what about Sunday? Does he go to worship? 'Cause as we all know i can rock the hell out of a sundress, and he’d look real good on my arm walking into church.”

The whole group cracked up at that.

“I’ll take him Saturday night!”  Another woman piped up. “My cousin is getting married and a hot, rich guy will make a better date than Tom from the mail room at work.”

“No one is forcing you to take Tom.” Penelope pointed out.

“Yeah but its a wedding and going to a wedding alone is just asking for pity.” she said.

Penelope really couldn’t deny that after her own experience at Victor’s ceremony. She’d actually been tempted to ask Schneider to be her date to that. So she wasn’t sure why it rubbed her wrong now to think of him being someone else’s wedding arm candy.

“So, what’s wrong with Tom then?” she asked.

“Um, he’s not a really rich, really hot, really tall Canadian that i want to climb like a maple tree?”

The eruption of ribald laughter covered Penelope’s silent reaction.

‘Hey, he went to your daughter’s quinces right? How does he look in a suit?”

The reminder of Schneider in his suit, weirdly-sexy with that smooth face and no glasses hiding those bright blue eyes of his, … Penelope couldn’t help it, she blushed a bit at the memory.

“Wow, that good huh?” Jill teased her when Penelope didn’t answer. “You know, I have a wedding to go to in 3 weeks myself…”

More laughter. These women loved to talk smack and riff off each other. Penelope knew it was an all a lot of bluster and bullshit. Usually she gave as good as she got. But she was quiet now, strangely unsettled by the words flying around her.

“Is there a waiting list a girl can get on?” was asked with seeming earnestness.

Yeah, so what? So Schneider was kind of hot; kind of really hot. That had never affected Penelope’s opinion of him, or how she treated him. He wasn’t some piece of meat.

“Yeah, I don’t need him for a date,” Ramona stated the obvious, “but I wouldn’t say no to him helping me change my brake pads.”

“My mom’s retirement party is in March. Does he do the fake boyfriend thing, or will that cost extra?”

“Cost extra? If Richie Rich isn’t paying for everything, what’s the point?"

The jokes came fast and easy, but Penelope wasn't finding them very funny. What was he, some sugar daddy for these girls to use and discard? Sure, maybe he did stuff for her sometimes that didn’t exact fall under a landlord’s duties, but that was different. They were friends, they did things for each other, took care of each other. It wasn’t like that.

She was special.

She tried not to acknowledge the thought, just like she tried not to face the fact that she didn’t want to share that with anyone. She didn’t want to share him.

Being quiet really wasn’t a Penelope trait, so her friends took pointed notice that she wasn’t joining the banter. They had been hearing about this guy for years, wondering when or if the two would ever stop dancing around each other. Of course, it is entirely possible for a man and a woman to be close friends on an entirely platonic basis.

But its also possible to be in denial when one’s feelings start to change.

They had listened over the years as he became increasingly important in her life. And they certainly were not above baiting Penelope into admitting it.

“Hey Pen, you’ve seen him in bike shorts. What’s he packin’?” one bold voice asked. Penelope went rigid in her seat. “Now there’s one tool of his I’d like to borrow!”

Oh hell no.

“Well, you can’t!” Penelope snapped.

“Well, if no one else is using it…”

“He’s not a gigolo, or some boy-toy for you to play with!” Penelope exploded. "He’s been through a lot and he’s had too many people let him down!”

Pam settled a hand on her arm and Penelope realized she had been shifting in her seat in agitation. “Penelope, we’re just joking around. You know that. Can we talk about why it bothers you so much?”

“He’s such a good man and so many people look down on him and treat him like he is worthless, even his own family. I don't want that for him. He deserves better.”

“We know he means a lot to you-”

“Yeah. He does.” Penelope cut Pam off. “I don’t know what I’d do with out him. I rely on him to help me with my anxiety attacks. I trust him with my mami and my kids. I, I…”

She groped for the words, trying to find some way to explain it to these women. To make them understand that Schneider’s presence in her life was a blessing, that any person would be lucky to have him around. How to make them see what an amazing guy he is. And also why she couldn’t stand anyone else getting the same special Schneider treatment she got. Didn’t want to do it all without his help.

The group didn’t make it easier for her. They could sense Penelope was on the cusp of a revelation. There were no jokes now, no pointed comments about Schneider’s abs, or queries into any desire Penelope might have to run her tongue over them. They knew that when Penelope got started, sometimes it was best to just let her go, let her ramble and rant and rave until she led herself to the obvious conclusion. They had been waiting for her to work this one out.

Penelope looked around at the expressions on their faces. No one seemed surprised by her spirited defense of Schneider. More impressively, no one was even smirking in that “haha, got you to admit you don’t hate him” kinda way. Suddenly it seemed like the group knew her better than she knew herself. Like they knew what the denial had kept her from acknowledging all along and knew what she was going to say before she said it.

“Holy crap, I love him.”

Penelope breathed out a sigh at the intense realization. It was a surprise. Of course. When had she fallen for the man-baby? But judging by the feeling of relief, the loosening of a tension she hadn’t even known she was holding, it had been a long time coming. She smiled, feeling like another weight had been lifted from her chest and she was taking a full deep breath for the first time in years.

Then her mind started to race again. Her smile fell and when her eyes darted around the group again, they had a slightly panicked look in them. Acknowledging her feelings was one thing (one damned difficult thing), but acting on them?

“Well, what now?!?” she asked in a panic.

#alvareider #odaat #penelope alvarez #ollyhooper

[pherryt]

Destiel 28. ‘Stop texting me weird stuff at night.’

This got long. i had this idea but to reach it required so much...i hope you like it.  the rest of it is under the cut

word count 2198

Deangroggily blinked his eyes open and rolled over with a groan. He peered blearilyat his clock and groaned again. His phone – the reason he was awake – chirpedand he sighed, groping at his bedside table for the cursed thing.

Hethumbed it open to find a text from Cas. As usual. Not a night passed that hisbest friend didn’t text Dean at least once – usually about the most inanethings.

Hehadn’t minded so much when they were younger, when his ability to fall backasleep at the drop of a hat was a well-honed godsend that he’d taken forgranted.

Well,not anymore. He would never take it for granted ever again should that skillreturn. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had a good night’s sleep and itwas driving him insane, he was sure of it. As much as he loved Cas – somethinghe’d been hiding for at least the last 8 years – come one morning, Dean wasgoing to take a hammer to his phone and then it simply wouldn’t be a problemanymore.

Cas 1:23AM: Did you know that when the Trex animatronic for Jurassic Parkmalfunctioned, it looked like it was alive?

Cas 1:23AM: It did that a lot in the rain which, as you know, was highly crucial forthat iconic scene.

Dean: 1:25AM: Normally Id be all 4 random movie trivia but Cas I need sleep

Dean: 1:26AM: Tell me 2morrow

Cas: 1:26AM: Of course, Dean

Thenext night was the same at almost exactly the same time. And the night afterthat, and the night after that, just like it had been for years before.

“Deandid you know – “

“Iread the other day –“

“Isn’tit amazing how –“

Deancursed the invention of cell phones and his need to keep it nearby foremergencies. During the day, Cas’s texts were a welcome thing but at night hewas losing sleep because of them. After a particularly long day – hell, afucking long week, with his alarm set for way too fucking early in the morning– Dean readied himself for bed. He had a crucial meeting in the morning and hewas so damn exhausted.

Hewas asleep before his head hit the pillow.

Ofcourse, Dean didn’t get to stay asleep. His phone chirped once, twice, threetimes before he fumbled for it. Without even checking Cas’s messages, he simplytyped out.

Dean 2:06AM: Stop texting me weird stuff at night, man – I really need to fucking sleep

Dean 2:06AM: And I can’t do that if you won’t leave me alone

Hedropped the phone to the table and rolled over, firmly closing his eyes. Guiltwracked him and kept him awake, however. He hated being so short with Cas buthe needed to sleep. Cas would understand. Right?

Thephone was blessedly quiet, but it was too late.

Nomatter how long he lay there, Dean couldn’t fall asleep.

Hespent his entire day in a foul mood and a sleepy haze. His coffee maker was broken and when he stopped atDunkin’s he didn’t get two sips of it before he spilled it all over himself andthe Impala. The early morning meeting was nearly a disaster. Only quickthinking on Bobby’s part saved the deal. He dropped his tool box on his footand – well, the day didn’t get much better from there.

Thenext day didn’t pass any better. Despite the fact that Cas didn’t text oncethat night, or the next, Dean found he couldn’t sleep. Between 1 and 2 am,Dean woke with a start, convinced he’d forgotten something very important.

After3 more days of this, it dawned on him that he not only had not heardfrom Cas in the wee hours of the morning as Dean had requested (Demanded wasmore like), but not at any other point of the day either. And Dean missed hisbest friend terribly. It contributed to Dean’s increasingly foul mood and his ever-increasingsleepless nights.

Whyhadn’t Cas messaged him?

Thenagain, why hadn’t Dean?

Dean 3:38PM: Hey dude – movie & pizza nite 2nite? My treat

Dean 4:32PM: U in or what?

Dean 5:17PM: Hey buddy, u Ok? Havent heard from u in a while

Hetyped out the words “I miss you” and deleted them before hitting send at thelast minute, then opening a new text, to Cas’s brother.

Dean 5:20 PM: Hey, is Cas ok?

Ashe waited for a response, so many things ran through his head of what couldhave happened to Cas in the few brief days they hadn’t talked. Or that maybeCas was mad at him. What if Dean had ruined their friendship for good?

Thatthought had him hyperventilating and he had to shove it away.

Gabriel 5:21PM: Why don’t you pull your head of your ass and ask him yourself.

Gabriel 5:21PM: I’m not my brother’s keeper. That’s your job.

Gabriel 5:21PM: Now for the love of god, kiss and make up already. I need my sleep.

Deanstared at his phone. “Well, that was uncalled for,” he grumped aloud to theempty room. What had that been all about? Gabriel made itsound like he and Cas had broken up, but if Dean were dating anybody –especially Cas – he sure as hell would have known that. Had Cas really beenthat upset with Dean? Was it really that bad that Dean just wanted a singlenight worth of uninterrupted sleep? Seriously?

Themore he thought about it, the more it bothered him, till he stood up, grabbedhis jacket and his keys, shoved his feet into his boots and left. 20 minuteslater, he was standing in front of Cas’s door with 2 boxes of pizza and a sixpack. He shuffled till he could use his hand to knock and did so.

Therewas silence for a while and Dean knocked again, wondering if this had been agood idea. There wasn’t even any guarantee that Cas was home (He worked fromhome. He had to be home) and he hadn’t answered any of Dean’s texts.

Deanknocked for a third time and finally he heard movement. He breathed a sigh ofrelief that lasted only as long as it took for Cas to open the door.

“Fuck!You look like shit!” he blurted.

“Thankyou. So do you.” Cas’s voice was flat as he opened the door further. He didn’tmove out of the way. “What are you doing here?”

“Look,wanted to apologize for the other night and hey, man, I missed ya! So what doyou say? Pizza? Beers? Netflix?” Dean waggled his eyebrows at Cas and the smallhint of a smile appeared as the man let him in.

Deantoed off his boots and didn’t even bother bringing anything in to the kitchen.He headed straight for the couch and placed the boxes and the beers on the beat-upcoffee table. Netflix was already on, and it looked like Cas had been binge-watching…Deansquinted at the tv…Reality TV? Oh boy, things were worse than he thought.

Hesat on the couch beside Cas who was already curled up in a blanket and a sliceof pizza – sans plates – in his hand. The man looked exhausted, ragged. Deanknew he kept his own hours. Being able to work from home helped with that, butwhat the hell?

“Dude,haven’t you been sleeping?”

“Notreally. What about you?”

“God,I’d kill for a decent night’s sleep. I can’t remember the last time I had one.”

“So…mytexting at odd hours…when I stopped…?”

“Didn’tfucking help. Now I wake up waiting for them. Isn’t that weird? I wake up andstare at the ceiling and I can’t even get back to sleep afterwards. At leastwhen you texted me I could fall back asleep.” Dean admitted with a sigh, grabbing two of thebeers. He used the coffee table to pop the tops off and handed one over to Cas.“It didn’t help a damnbit, so, you can, y’know, if you want…”

“Dean, are you’re sayingyou missed me?” Cas said, his mouth full of pizza as his other hand acceptedthe beer.

“Dude,you must be more tired than I am. I said that when I walked in,” Dean took aswig of his own bottle, stillcold since he’d just picked it up. “Look, I know why I’m tired. What about you?And what was Gabriel talking about? That he needed sleep?”

“You texted my brother?” Cas blinked atDean in surprise. Dean blushed.

“You weren’t answerin’, Cas. I was uh…alittle concerned,” Dean said, not looking at Cas. He took a huge bite of hispizza.

Despite his attempts to not look, Deanstill caught Cas looking at him incredulously out of the corner of his eyes. “Haven’tyou ever wondered why I send you messages at all hours of the day?”

“Um…no? I mean, its what you’ve alwaysdone, so I just…it’s you,” Dean said,his words garbled because of the pizza. He turned to face Cas. “I just came toexpect it. Hell, most of the time, I was really looking forward to it. One ofyour crazy texts can turn a bad day right side up again. I just…I thought that’show it was.” Dean ended the statement slowly, swallowing the lump of cheese,dough and sauce in his throat. “Cas, is something wrong?”

If he’d felt guilty before, Dean feltextra guilty now. The way Cas had asked the question had made Dean reevaluate everythingin a flash. It was odd, now that he thought about it, to be texting or callingat any hour. Even though Dean knew Cas kept his own hours…when did he sleep?

Cas shook his head and smiled. “No,everything’s fine. Just been a rough few days, that’s all.” After that, thematter dropped and the two of them ate their pizza and watched Netflix.

Dean didn’t know what time it was whenhe jerked awake. The room was dark and there was something warm on top of him.He pulled the warmth closer, realizing as it shifted that it wasn’t his blanket,but Cas. They were both so fucking tired, they’d fallen asleep on the couch. Hestifled a laugh. He wasn’t sure what to do. He felt awkward basically cuddlinga man that didn’t know Dean had a crush on him. But on the other hand, he didn’twant to wake cas up. It was obvious that he needed his sleep as much as Deandid. As he debated the idea, Dean’s heavy eyelids drifted shut, his bodytabling the dilemma for now.

A jerking motion had him waking upagain, much later, according to the clock, about 1am. Dean’s grip on Cas tightenedand then he heard it – Cas was breathing hard, small whimpers pulling from histhroat.

“Cas?” Dean’s voice was still sleepy,but concerned. Rolling carefully, Dean tried to peer into his face. “Cas, areyou all right?” Dean reached a hand up to touch Cas’s face and his friends eyesflew open on a gasp. He jerked back and would have fallen off the narrow couchsave for Dean’s quick reflexes. He rolled to his back, bringing Cas with him,helping him settle face own on top of Dean. Cas groaned and let his head thunkon Dean’s chest.

After a moment, he tilted it to peer atDean apologetically. “I’m sorry, Dean. I didn’t mean to wake you. I know you’retired – “

“Dude…I saw the clock – do you wake upat this time every night like this?”

“Not…always…” Cas’s eyes slid away. “SometimesI’m already awake. Or…”

“Or?” Dean prodded.

“It uh…happens a lot. Sometimes a fewtimes a night.” Cas admitted slowly. Dean wondered if he would have, if he’dbeen rested.

“Shit, no wonder you look exhausted! Howlong - ?”

“Since I was a child. And no, going tothe doctor didn’t help. Taking sleeping pills doesn’t help either. It’s just…baddreams, old memories,” Cas said tiredly, sadly. Without even realizing it, Dean’shand started stroking Cas’s back and he watched those sleepy eyes start to droop.

“Does anything help?”

“Mhmm,” Cas said.

“What do you need?”

“Fss,” Cas said.

“What?” Dean blinked and strained hisears. That was certainly not English, he was sure of it.

“Jus’ you,” Cas mumbled a littleclearer. “’s always been you.”

Dean’s heart skipped a beat and hisnext breath was shaky. “Wait, is that why you always—”

“Mhmm,” Cas curled into Dean a littlecloser, completely unaware of how he’d taken the mans breath away by that one,simple sound. He continued to run a soothing hand along Cas’s spine and stareddown at the man quickly falling back asleep in his arms. “Don’ leave me…”

The last words came out slow and softand Dean almost missed them. His heart ached and he swallowed thickly. “Never,Cas. I promise.”

#destiel #tumblr prompt #writing prompt #angst and fluff #texting #dmsilvisart

[ithisatanytime]

To be honest im very glad she loves her boyfriend so much, initially i asked about her relationship status and she said it was open, and was very firm about that fact, emphasizing it to the point that it was the only thing leading me to believe she was at all receptive to my advances, of course thats not enough because i was so forward, and i knew she just likely wasnt that into me. but today when i pressed the issue, as i am a horny man and frankly im in a damn hurry, she changed her tune, now he was her soul mate. and you know what nothing could have made me happier. my last serious girlfriend was in a committed relationship but it was on the rocks, in part do to her going off her birth control (i was high test compared to her boyfriend, he had better musculature but prenatal test exposure was lower in the womb as evident by me being 6′2 and having masculinized bone structure in comparison to his.) and losing all attraction to him, also i kind of fucked their shit up by randomly confessing my feelings for her, we had known each other for close to ten years at that point, but i never made my feelings known because she was so fucking hot to me i just never thought of her as a possibility quite frankly, i was fucking SHOCKED to find out she felt exactly the same. this same exact scenario played out for me when i was a young man and i literally forced my girlfriend to go on hormonal birth control, the hormones in birth control literally trick your body into thinking that your pregnant, and pregnant women have different taste in men, they are looking for a provider obviously, their behavior changes dramatically, in part because they lose interest in higher testosterone but good physical genetics mates as they need someone to be their when they raise their baby, typically (naturally) this only lasts for 9 months than the baby comes, if the man who fathered the child is able to weather the emotional shit storm, he will stick with you through anything, and is thus a good potential provider for your offspring, the opposite is true if they met you while on hormonal birth control, as they value you for your provider traits and when they go off the bc their body thinks they are no longer pregnant, hence her looking for a big strong bull (me) too impregnate her.

    she knew this indian guy since they were children, it was fucking obvious they were meant to be together, i hated being responsible for the heartbreak i caused BOTH of them. dude still wanted to be with her after she kicked him out of her life to fuck some drug addicted retard (me) but  heres the thing i am not talking shit about her, they literally cant fucking help it, we are slaves to our hormones. i was very pleased to find out that she was hesitant to go on birth control as it “makes her crazy” i was so glad she brought it up and felt that way, as imagine going over this shit with a potential girlfriend, imagine how well thats going to go over! i have been familiar with hormonal BC’s effects on womens sexual preferences and ability to pair bond since i watched a documentary on the discovery channel about sex with i was 13, i was trying to masturbate, but i learned a lot instead, despite how crazy this sounds, all of this is accepted science and new papers get released about it every couple of years or so, its fucking insane that women arent made aware of this common side effect of birth control, so imagine how fucking conflicted i felt when she was adamant about getting back on birth control, i was 99 percent sure she would fall out of love with me, and at the time , it was insane to me how much she clearly loved me, she promised shed get off birth control as soon as i asked, i pleaded with her, saying that by the time she was on bc for even a couple weeks shed no longer love me or give a fucking shit what i had to say anymore, which seemed RIDICULOUS at the time, but she promised shed go off it as soon as i asked, i knew that would not be the case. within literal days after getting the hormonal IUD put in, she stopped looking at me the same, we started fighting all the time, it was horrible to see, especially for the second time, all men know what i am talking about, when that lok disappears, and of course she didnt get it taken out when i asked, and of course the fighting got worse and worse, who the fuck could stand living with me without loving me, suddenly all the bad shit about me (no job prospects, bad provider) that she had already been aware of for years became an issue, blah blah blah, it wasnt her fault, imagine being forced to live iwth someone who you didnt love, who loved you and stil wanted to fuck you. and of course as the fighting got worse and she slept on the couch, i could no longer sleep, i became obsessively jealous (mate retention strategy caused by testosterone masculinizing the brain) i knew she wasnt cheating on me, there was literally no way, but my guts were twisting and churning every single day, my behavior became increasingly erratic (men behave irrationally as well, in their own way) it all came to a head, after a solid month of the cold shoulder, i had finally landed a job interview to be a car salesmen (i built up a relationship with the neighbor i smoked iwth, and he landed me the job) but the  day before i was set to be interviewed we had a massive fight which i started, because i tried to reason with her (in love men and women arent governed by reason) that she had been giving me the silent treatment for a month and i had been on my best behavior, which i had been, buying her gifts and flowers with the profit sharing check i got from my old job, but she started grabbing her stuff to leave, she wouldnt tell me where she was going and in my irrational state i was sure she was going to fuck an entire football team, an unbelievably searingly painful thought for a man, women literally cant comprehend this as they dont experience jealousy in the same way men do. so i slammed out of the house first into the streets of new york city, huffing and puffing trying to to cry as i pushed past the crowded streets, it was like 4 pm in the middle of queens. i found a bar and sat at the center of the bar, it was pretty empty when i walked in since it was like four o clock in the afternoon. i had 300 hundred dollars in my pocket and i spent it all that very night on beers and shots and whiskey sours, i had never gone to a bar of my own volition before and can count on one hand the amount of times id set foot in a bar, but i had been drinking more than i ever had in my life. the pain of jealousy and losing someone that i sincerely loved, and intended to marry was so intense that i started drinking and basically didnt stop until we were separated (havent really touched the stuff since, i dont really like alcohol) but i was losing the girl i loved, she was supposed to be my wife. i drank like there was no fucking tomorrow, just waiting for her to call me, which she did, but there was no love in her voice, no news on where she was, or who she was with (her girlfriends, studying for an exam) so i hung up and went back to drinking, my bartender was a young women, who may have been pretty i was not paying attention, so much so that when she finished her shift and left the bar, and a young woman sat next to me at the bar and tried to talk to me, she grew angry with me that i didnt realize it was the same bartender, who had been serving me drinks all night, she left in a huff, soon i felt people pressing up against my back as i finished my 20th drink of the day, i was way past my limit, but i was about to lose the girl i loved and become homeless on the streets of new york in my mind, she would never have done that to me, but my “home” had evaporated as soon as i left to new york, and after i lost my job delivering refrigerators he made it pretty clear he didnt want me around. he was not my real dad after all, just another of my mothers boyfriends, its not the same as a biological dad, for as good as he was and as much as he did for me, i was becoming too much, i cant describe the fear of the streets for someone who spent their lives homeless or near homeless is like, its always there. so i drank that way as the NYC bar grew very crowded and noisey, i had picked the hottest socail spot in the city to drown my sorrows,. i would drink until i couldnt feel the pain anymore, go home, puke my guts out, not remember anything and then regroup in the morning after she got home from her boyfriends house, thats a problem for tomorrow me. i was just waiting for her to call me and maybe show me some sign of warmth, some sign of the person i fell in love with. she did call me in fact, i was too drunk and the bar was too loud for me to hear it, i got up to take a piss and only then realized how crowded the bar actually was, people were dancing behind me the whole time and i didnt even realize it, it was packed from wall to wall, as i got up to take my piss, my last five fell out of my pocket onto the ground and i nearly fell over trying ot pick it up, plus the last shot i took i just spilled down my shirt sleeve, it was time to go home. i drunkenly stumbled towards the door the bar was so packed i literally had to raise my arms into the air (this detail will be important for later) as i made my way towards the exit suddenly she appeared in the doorway, i cannot describe to you my relief in this moment, how did she even find me? it was the last clear memory i have from that night, the only other memory i have is foggy, me drunkenly bragging that i could have beat up every dude in the bar and girls were totally trying to fuck me (see? im valuable) as she drove me home, the rest of that night is completely lost to me, i found myself suddenly in our bed, in the morning, i felt more hungover than i had ever been in my life by a factor of ten, i was shaking uncontrollably still half drunk and frightened (if youve never blacked completely out before you cant know what thats like) she informed me that i had pushed her, i was horrified, how could this have happened, and what more could i have been capable of, i didnt have time to process that however as her dad was on his way over from upstate new york, in my half drunk and frightened mind i knew he was coming to fight me, i went into fight or flgiht mode *if your dead comes here i wil lfuck him up!” even i couldnt believe i said that , her father was an unbelievably kind and gentle man, but i was frightened, i was gonna be homeless on the streets of new york, a forgotten man who fell through the cracks in the safety net, and worse i deserved it, my sense of self was shattered, how could i have pushed her? she made the right decision in having her father turn around, and head back to upsate new york. i cried like a fucking baby, how could i have done this? my father was a drunk who beat the shit out of my mother, and i remembered it vividly. i sobbed and sobbed, i had been doing a lot of that, i loved her from the beginning and worse, she had loved me too. i had no way of contextualizing it either, for me it was as if someone had woken me up to inform me that in my sleep i had punched a child, think about that, how do you process it? i had prided myself in never putting my hands on a woman unless she asked first (thats its own story that i will never fucking tell)  i ddint even remember it, like at all, i ddint even remember us fighting, apparently i was barfing and doing somersaults of the bed and shit, as you do when you are blackout drunk. and she had never drank a drop of alcohol or smoked a single weed in her life, she must have been absolutely terrified. i wanted to die, it was over for good. we had made up in a sense, as the reality of the situation set in, we only ever held each other on the first and last night i was in newyork, and both times, you wont believe this but i have to say it because it was so strange, we cuddled face to face while her two cats cuddled each other inbetween us, only the first and last night.

  part of why it was so hard for me, was because i knew i would miss her bitterly for the rest of my life, literally every day until i died, i knew from experience, and she woudl be really upset for a few months maybe and then never think about me again. my only hope was that she got back together with tha tindian boy she grew up with, he fucking cried outside of their apartment, and stil  asked about her when she left him for me, this tore me up, as id been on the other end of that, he loved her better than i did, they were meant to be married but hormonal fucker and jewish sabotage has a combined effect of just fucking women right up, men too but i feel worse for the women. if you fuck a guy you should just stay with them honestly, you will be much happier long term. this started out as one thing, and then turned into something different, as i had been meaning to tell that story for years now. i know it seems like a lot of self pity and to be fair theres a lot of remorse too even to this day, i barely touched a drop of alcohol in the years since, and occasionally it will hit me like a ton of bricks out of the blue and i will excuse myself into my room to cry into the macaroni and cheese i was eating.

[living-lucid-dream]

Happy 4/13!

It’s been a long time since I’ve done anything Homestuck-related. What better day to change that than today? What I’m trying to say is: here, have some random snippets from a maybe-sequel to Straw Soldiers.

> Vriska: Distress call

arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]

AG: Terezi!!!!!!!! AG: Thank fuck you are online 8ecause I am having a serious crisis. AG: I’m talking all hands on deck, all points 8ulletin sort of 8ullshit. AG: Terezi? AG: Come on, will you SAY SOMETHING already? AG: This is an emergency and you are my only chance at keeping everything from going to complete shit. AG: I swear to god I am not exagger8ing when I say that I am fucking dying here!!!!!!!! GC: HUH GC: TH4TS STR4NG3 GC: MY NOS3 DO3S NOT D3T3CT 3V3N TH3 F41NT3ST WH1FF OF D3C4Y1NG FL3SH GC: 1T 1S P1CK1NG UP ON3 H3FTY P1L3 OF M3LODR4M4 THOUGH >:/ AG: OK, OK. So may8e I’m not dying right this second—8ut I will 8e if you don’t do something for me, and I mean pronto. GC: UH-HUH GC: 4ND WH4T 3X4CTLY 1S TH1S 4LL3G3DLY L1F3 S4V1NG M4N3UV3R YOU 3XP3CT M3 TO DO? AG: First, I need you to answer something for me. GC: OK, SHOOT AG: How long have we known each other, exactly? GC: 1 DUNNO GC: F1V3, S1X SW33PS? GC: WHY? AG: Five or six sweeps. Practically our whole lives! AG: I mean, 8y now we’re pretty much o8lig8ed to help each other out in times of dire need and you’ve got to know that I wouldn’t ask for help with anything unless I was really, truly desper8. GC: UGH, TH3 M3LODR4M4 GC: 1T BURNS! AG: Hey, I am 8eing totally serious! AG: Geeeeeeeez, Pyrope. I come here hoping to get a little help from my lifelong 8osom 8uddy and all you can do is give me a 8unch of salty attitude. AG: If that’s the way you’re going to 8e then may8e I won’t 8other to ask you for anything after all. GC: JUST T3LL M3 WH4T YOU W4NT AG: Now that’s the spirit! AG: All right. So the thing I’m going to ask you to do may not sound like much, 8ut 8elieve me it is a very 8ig deal. AG: I need you to talk some sense into Peixes for me. GC: >:? GC: 4BOUT WH4T? AG: Somehow she got it into her pan that it would 8e a good idea to make me go all the fuck 8ack to Alternia and pick up Tav8utt and wonder clown. AG: I’ve tried reasoning with her 8ut she is 8eing a stu88orn 8rat and pulling rank on me. GC: SORRY TO S4Y 1T BUT 1 F41L TO S33 HOW 4NY OF TH4T QU4L1F13S 4S L1F3 4ND D34TH AG: Trust me, it is. GC: HOW SO? AG: 8ecause I will die of 8oredom! AG: Can you even imagine me, stuck on a ship for god knows how long with no8ody 8ut Toreasnore and Gamzee for company? AG: 8oriiiiiiiing! AG: I mean, the two of them don’t have a pair of 8rain cells 8etween them! GC: 1 4M SUR3 YOU W1LL SURV1V3 AG: What? So you’re not going to do anything at all to help me???????? AG: I’ve seen you do some pretty ruthless shit, 8ut releg8ing your good friend to dork squad shuttle service? AG: That’s cold ::::( GC: 1 4M SUR3 1T WONT B3 TH4T B4D GC: B3S1D3S 1 TH1NK 1T W1LL B3 GOOD FOR YOU GC: GR34T FOR BU1LD1NG CH4R4CT3R 4ND 4LL TH4T J4ZZ AG: “8uilding character” my ass. You just want to see me suffer. GC: ME? N3V3R >;] GC: H4V3 4 S4F3 TR1P GC: OH, 4ND DON’T TORM3NT T4VROS TOO MUCH AG: You know I will ::::p

arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]

  > Future Vriska: Distress call

arachnidsGrip [AG] opened memo EMERGENCY READ NOW!!!!!!!!

arachnidsGrip [AG] invited apocalypseArisen [AA] to memo arachnidsGrip [AG] invited twinArmageddons [TA] to memo arachnidsGrip [AG] invited carcinoGeneticist [CG] to memo arachnidsGrip [AG] invited arsenicCatnip [AC] to memo arachnidsGrip [AG] invited grimAuxiliatrix [GA] to memo arachnidsGrip [AG] invited gallowsCalibrator [GC] to memo arachnidsGrip [AG] invited centaursTesticle [CT] to memo arachnidsGrip [AG] invited caligulasAquarium [CA] to memo arachnidsGrip [AG] invited cuttlefishCuller [CC] to memo

AG: Come on, you useless 8unch of laya8outs! Get your asses in here! AG: Aaauuuuuuuugh! Where is every8ody???????? AG: Is this not getting through to any of you? AG: Fuck it, I can’t tell so I’m doing this regardless. AG: My ship has 8een attacked. AG: There have 8een losses and no, I am not detailing what those losses are right here 8ecause this is humili8ing enough as it is. AG: The long and short of it is: I’m stranded and I have no idea where the hell I am exactly 8ut I do know that I am drifting somewhere 8etween Earth and Alternia. AG: I am pretty sure I can safely classify the situ8ion as “in dire need of a relief shuttle right fucking now.” AG: Hello? AG: Is any8ody getting this???????? AG: Come on, some8ody ANSW8R ME, ALR8DY! AG: G8DDAMN 8T!!!!!!!!

arachnidsGrip [AG] left memo

  > John: Pester Dave

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

EB: dave! EB: you there, buddy? TG: yo EB: geez, you’ve been mia for like four days now. Where the heck have you been? TG: shit dude TG: ive been laying lower than a teenage mutant ninja turtle chilling in the new york sewer TG: slinking around like the stealth phantom lovechild of batman and solid snake EB: oh. so the paparazzi are after you too, huh? TG: yeah EB: that sucks. TG: eh TG: for a while i was thinking about mooning them just to see how hard they pissed themselves trying to go all national geographic on my ass TG: then i realized that there was like an eighty billion percent certainty that my ass would just end up getting trotted out on fucking tmz or some shit TG: now national enquirer TG: i would be down with seeing my ass on the front page of such a fine publication TG: but tmz TG: no way TG: daytime tv is not ready for the strider ass TG: so me and aradia gave them the slip and they fell for it harder than bambi on ice TG: havent seen one of those fuckers in almost a week now EB: lucky! they’re all over me and karkat. EB: seriously, it’s like a freaking lightning storm every time i open the front door! EB: it was kind of funny at first but now it’s just…ugh. EB: hey, wait a sec! EB: you said you were with aradia? what are you guys doing? TG: we are going full-on magical mystery tour to find all the weird ass dead things the good old usa has to offer TG: we already hit up the mutter museum TG: it was the shit TG: never saw so many dead things in jars all in one place TG: made my collection look like some messy amateur shit TG: like their stuff is triple black diamond pucker up and kiss your ass goodbye caliber and my stuff barely even qualifies as a bunny slope for toddlers TG: oh and aradia and i pooled our cash and adopted a skull because who doesnt want to say that they are the proud daddy of a newborn 200 hundred year-old skull EB: jesus, sometimes i forget how weird you guys are. TG: hey the strider cool cocktail might not go with everything but at least its never boring TG: anyways im pretty sure we are going to be creeping around your neck of the woods in a couple of weeks TG: we should hang if you and karkat are going to be around EB: cool! EB: we’ll be here. EB: unless karkat’s got one of his pt sessions. EB: but then we’ll be back in like two hours, so yes! we’ll be here. TG: speaking of vantas TG: how is shouty mcqueen doing these days TG: that guys been more elusive than a shiny pokemon since you guys got home EB: he’s fine. EB: he just has a hard time with typing. and tying his shoes. and…lots of things, actually. TG: shit TG: i thought they said his hands were fixed EB: depends on the they you’re talking to, i guess. EB: terezi brought him a new phone, though. EB: it has voice-to-text for english and alternian. EB: jade and sollux made it for him, or at least i think that’s what terezi said when she gave it to him. EB: my alternian still sucks so i’m not sure. EB: anyways we’re about to have breakfast now so i should probably go. TG: ok TG: later ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

 > Future John: Pester Dave

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

EB: dave! EB: are you there, buddy? EB: dave, come on. EB: this isn’t funny. EB: you’re really freaking me out here. EB: dave, please. EB: you need to answer me now! EB: jesus christ.

ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

> Future Karkat: Contact loving matesprit

carcinoGenticist [CG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [CG]

CG: OK, YOU’VE HAD YOUR FUN. CG: NOW WIPE THAT SHIT-EATING GRIN OFF YOUR FACE AND STOP THIS BULLFUCKERY RIGHT NOW. CG: I KNOW THIS DISTANCE MATESPRITSHIP THING SUCKS HARDER THAN THE MOTHER GRUB’S SLURRY ACCEPTING ORIFICE. CG: BUT IF THIS ISN’T WORKING FOR YOU THEN YOU NEED TO TELL ME INSTEAD OF, YOU KNOW, IGNORING ME FOR TWO WEEKS. CG: JESUS FUCK, TEREZI. CG: I’D EXPECT THAT SORT OF SHIT-RINSING PISSBABY WAY OF HANDLING THINGS FROM PAST ME BECAUSE PAST ME IS A PAIL-SWILLING FUCKWIT WITH THE FANTASTIC ABILITY TO MAGICALLY LOSE HIS GLOBES WHEN SHIT GETS REAL. CG: BUT NOT FROM YOU. CG: I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF YOU OR SOLLUX ARE ALIVE BECAUSE GUESS WHAT? CG: NEITHER ONE OF YOU HAVE DEIGNED TO SEND ME SO MUCH AS A “HI, KARKAT JUST POPPING A SQUAT TO SHIT OUT THIS TURD OF A MESSAGE SO YOU CAN STOP WORRYING THAT WE BOTH DID SOMETHING PAN-NUMBINGLY STUPID LIKE DROWN IN THE LOAD GAPER; TALK TO YOU LATER YOU FART-BRAINED IGNORAMUS.” CG: THERE. CG: SEE? CG: WAS THAT SO HARD? CG: HELPFUL HINT: EVEN THE FART-BRAINED IGNORAMUS WITHOUT FUNCTIONING OPPOSABLE THUMBS MANAGED IT IN A SPHINCTER-RANKLING 60 SECONDS. CG: I GET THAT YOU AND SOLLUX ARE BUSY ON FEFERI’S FREE THE HELMSMEN CRUSADE AND YEAH, IT’S KIND OF A BIG FUCKING DEAL. CG: AND I GET THAT COMPLAINING ABOUT IT MAKES ME LOOK LIKE A SELFISH, BULGE-FLAPPING ASSHOLE. CG: BUT BEING THE PARANOID FUCKTARD WHO SEES SUPER EXCITING TORTURE FUNTIMES WITH CONDESCE AND FRIENDS ON INFINITE REPEAT EVERY FUCKING TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, I’M STARTING TO GET THIS NUB-TICKLING IDEA THAT SOMETHING MIGHT BE WRONG. CG: I KNOW IT’S STUPID AND I’M PROBABLY STOMPING INTO PALE TERRITORY WITH A PAIR OF STEEL TOE COMBAT BOOTS WITH “FUCK YOU CAPTOR” EMBLAZONED ON THE TREADS BY SAYING IT, BUT THERE IT IS. CG: THE STINKING SHIT PELLET OF TRUTH HAS DROPPED AND IT CANNOT RETURN TO THE WASTE CHUTE FROM WHENCE IT WAS PINCHED. CG: TEREZI, PLEASE. CG: JUST TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.

CarcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]

 > to be continued...(?)

#Homestuck #4/13 #Straw Soldiers #Homestuck fanfiction #Vriska #Terezi #John Egbert #Dave Strider #Karkat #Wow pesterlog formatting looks terrible on tumblr #it may not be 4/13 anymore for most of you out there #but there's still one hour left in my neck of the woods #so this still counts! #my stuff #my fic

[feralhogs]

I ASK EVERYTHING FROM ANGEL TO WOBBLY

COMING RIGHT UP

♡ cute asks ♡

angel; do you have a nickname?

G!

awe; how old are you?

21

baby; favorite color?

purple

bloop; spirit animal?

i know what youre trying to do bug

blossom; favorite book/movie/song?

my favourite movie today is always be my maybe. do yourself a favor and watch keanu reeves act his heart out

blush; what was your stuffed animal as a child?

lucky, a little white tiger. i still have her.

breeze; most precious childhood memory?

maybe my mom making me tea or something. ow ow nostalgia

bright; mermaids or fairies?

fairies

bubbles; do you have a best friend?

YEAH

buttercup; showers or baths?

showers

butterfly; dream destination?

maybe ... the countryside, but one i havent been to before?

buttons; are you religious or spiritual?

yes, very. while feeling at war with it all the time cause of the gay angst. but lbr. i prayed for some coffee and i got some. i also pray when some real shit is happening. its just my nature. i have a very strong intuition when im not panicking. TOO BAD MY PARENTS DISHED OUT TONS OF SPIRITUAL ABUSE I CANT REALLY HEAL FROM

calm; favorite scent?

this candle that has vanilla in it. i like the smell of vanilla because it smells sweet and im like. !!!! kindness!!!

candlelight; what did you dream about last night?

i dreamed my siblings were all bickering and blaming each other endlessly and saying cruel things, and i was trying to tell them to stop but my voice was hoarse and no one could hear me. the voice part makes more sense when you consider i lost my voice talking lots at the Job and ive been Way too worried about it and its also a Passing thing

charming; have you ever been in love?

yes... overrated

cozy; eye/hair color?

red hair green eyes

cuddly; what’s your favorite time period?

the afternoon when i can take a walk with some coffee and music or, faceplant on my bed and fall asleep on the spot and then wake up feeling very well napped

cupcake; favorite flower/plant?

i really like bonsais. or ... whatever type of bonsai i keep buying. they grow fast so you can notice their progress, they can survive bad mental health weeks, and you can shape them, they kind of grow with you

cute; what did you get on your last birthday?

i .... forget a lot. i forget these kinds of things. i hope it doesnt mean it didnt matter to me. i remember being really lonely on my last birthday and pretending not to be and then crying to my diary that no one is allowed to read

cutie pie; most precious item you own?

any bonsai, any jacket, thats my soul. or my phone lol

cutsie; what makes you happy?

people saying small nice things

daisies; describe a moment when you felt free.

just the other day when i was starting to play stardew valley again and i had some tea i think... 

daydream; how do you want to be remembered?

i want to have been Known as more than just shy and polite

daylight; favorite album of all time?

idk of all time, but say you will by fleetwood mac FUCKS, i will destroy my ears on public transit with that

dear; zodiac sign?

sagittarius

delightful; concerts or museums?

?????? N/A unfortunately

dimples; have you ever written a letter?

yes, i have written all sorts of letters, not snail mail but yknow... that is my jam. i have used it for good and evil

dobby; dream job?

writer of , books or screenplays or something

doll; how do you like to dress?

behold my array of gay jackets. hoods... gay layers... with some flowers. i have some shit with flowers on it. an old man complimented me on a train once. because im amazing

dovey; any paranormal/magical experiences?

my roommates say theres a ghost dude downstairs but ive never seen him. not really actually.

dreams; do you want or have any tattoos?

no, and ive thought about a tattoo but im like... i cant imagine picking a decoration and then being satisfied with it for the rest of my life, and being so... open like that, i change my mind and worry too much...

drizzle; do you believe in aliens?

yes bitch. theres water on mars im sitting here patiently

euphoric; talk about someone you love.

the demigirl reading this

fairy; do you have a pet?

no :(

fluffy; ocean or mountain?

mountain... no ocean.. im feeling ocean

forever; where do you feel time stop?

i havent felt like that in a looong time. maybe this one place with streams, when its raining really heavily and everythings Gushing

froglet; are you a good plant owner?

i have kept... 5 bonsais alive for a while.

garden; how many languages do you know?

one. with some rocky french that makes me ACTUALLY want to learn french, and then frustratingly be on the brink of speaking french

gem; who are your favorite tumblrs?

i cant find the name right now but they make this pixel art and put sentences that are kinda so gentle and pining... i love it

giggles; what is your aesthetic of choice?

homemade coffee in a messy kitchen with some sun coming in, youre kind of sleepy

glittery; do you like anons? why/why not?

yes!!! i wanna talk!!!!!

glow; list the top 5 things you like about yourself

ok... i know how to be Respectful, im a strong person, im good with self-expression, i like my voice... AND IM CUTE

heart; silk or lace?

silk

honey; coffee or tea? how do you take it?

coffee, so much sugar and a bit of scream.

hugsy; do you enjoy people watching or bird watching more? why?

BIRD WATCHING. because watching people can get awkward real fast, and birds dont give a fuck. birds are fat little boys jumpin around. they dont worry about their jobs. i respect that. 

hunnybunch; what sounds help you sleep?

Harmonious People Noises. i dont actually listen to sounds going to sleep when maybe i should. because of how i grew up im fine listening to music or people playing instruments falling asleep, even with the light on

jewel; what’s your favorite kind of weather?

that part of autumn where its colourful and not too cold not too hot, and sun everywhere

jiggly; what do you usually like to do on weekends?

i do stuff like take walks and do a few errands and water plants... and just chill and enjoy not having pressing stuff to do. 

joy; do you laugh loudly or giggle more?

i am a serious giggler but i recently got a booming laugh, or it sounds like that to me

kinky; do you blush easily?

no. apparently not. but sometimes i feel my face heat up and then im really, really counting on it that that doesnt mean im blushing because its at the worst possible times to blush

kisses; what romantic cliché do you wish for most?

SOULMATE... SOMEONE I DONT HAVE TO SAY GOODBYE TO...

kitty; what’s your favorite time of the day?

i feel like i already answered this but ill pick a different time. evening is nice because im a night owl and i focus better and i can relax and do whatever

ladybug; what’s your favorite artist to listen to when you’re sad?

fleetwood mac and bLAST it on public transit

love; what is your favorite season and why?

autumn, because pretty, haloween

lovey; what is your favorite flavor of macaron and ice cream?

i dont know about macaron but that cookie dough ice cream is some good

magic; what are five flaws you have?

overthinking, clinging to comfort zone, procrastinating, isolating, either i dont stand up for myself or i do it too harshly

moonlight; do you prefer soft pastels, warm neutrals, or cool darks?

they all sound so lovely im feeling warm neutrals rn

munchkin; what do you look for in your significant other?

emotional labour, similar energy level

paddywack; how would you describe a perfect date?

I JUST WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH SOMEONE and there has to be food

pebbles; how do you spend free time by yourself?

doing THIS... all my free time... is basically by myself

precious; what is something valuable that you learned in your life?

you dont have to be useful to be valuable. you deserve love just because you exist, and even if you feel strongly that everything sucks, that could be your comfort zone talking. im having a mental health week

pretty; do you like to cook or bake more?

cook. id bake but then i eat stuff that doesnt make my stomach as happy

prince; how would you describe your handwriting?

oh its GORGEOUS. i have been practising my handwriting in my Diary for Months.

princess; do you play any instruments? if not, are there any you wish you could play?

yes, piano mostly... ive been feeling Urges to play guitar lately that have surprised me

prinky; how do you relieve stress?

doing something restful/mentally restoring like taking a break or talking calming things to myself

pumpkin; what is your favourite kind of fruit/vegetable?

LOVE THAT ZUCCHINI...F RY THAT BITCH WITH GARLIC AND ONION...

rainbow; what was the last line of the last book you read?

i have not read a book

roses; what is the most significant event in your life so far?

realizing im trans

smile; what is one thing that has greatly affected you?

ill think of a nice one, moving away from my parents, theres been so much healing

shine; art or music?

MUSIC

shimmer; do animals tend to like you?

yes

smitten; do you collect anything?

bonsais?? 

smoochies; how many pillows do you sleep with?

one

snuggle; what is your favourite candy?

chocolate, any,

snuggly; do you have a camera? if so, what kind?

phone camera, ithas all these cool filters and things it can do, it says my plants are food

sparkle; do you wear jewelry?

occasionally. its mostly the black tourmaline bracelet

spooky; sunrise or sunset?

sunset, that is the beautifulest

sprinkles; do you like to listen to music with headphones or no headphones?

with headphones. i just ... maybe this is a growing up thing but i cant imagine Taking Up Space playing my music out loud... then other people can judge my music choice... theyd Know things about me... 

starlight; what was your favourite show as a child?

save ums. i have this answer ready to go. that is because after five i stopped having a tv

soft; describe your favourite spot in your house.

my rooooooommmmmmmmmm my BED

soothe; digital or vinyl?

digital? what is this about?

squeezed; who do you miss right now?

my sister. she always says i never hang out but ... she doesnt seem interested in things i actually like... she tries and she cares but...

sugary; what traits do you value most in friends?

loyal, honest

sunshine; do you prefer for things to be practical or aesthetically pleasing?

practical, i just cant focus on aesthetic because then i get way too picky with eeeverything

sweet; do you find it easy to open up?

NO, unless i am on tumblr where there are no Laws. or it depends on how easy the person is to talk to.

sweetie; do you like kids? if so, do you ever want to have any?

yes, yes but NOT RIGHT NOW, i think kids are really Good, theyre simple and honest

thimble; is there somebody you look up to? who are they?

i look up to the Bosses at my work, i mean they seem like they try really hard and do a good job and they have to lead everyone else too i respect that

toot; what is something you find unique about yourself?

the emotional intelligence dial. it is maybe too far. but im realizing that isnt so common.

tootsie; what kind of friend are you?

i hope, at least the kind i would want. probably very energetic, with negative or positive stuff

treasure; what was something that made you smile today?

another person at work called me by my last name. i find this funny because 1) it sounds funny to just shout 2) why are they all so fascinated with it .... yknow its because they wanted it to see if it was ramsay. did they seriously think. bunch of cooking nerds. is this their new power move.

velvet; are you an early bird or a night owl?

niGHT OWL

whiffle; if you could have a magical power, what would it be?

shapeshifting

whimsical; do you prefer doing stuff at home or going out?

home, but i would enjoy going out with the right people i think. which has never happened.

whiskers; do you usually wear makeup?

no

wiggly; are you a messy or tidy person?

tidy

wispy; do you like the place where you grew up? do you think you will live there when you get older?

yes, and no. my heart is set on being Out in the Nature though. i dont know if i can really really go back to where i grew up. theres so many complicated and painful feelings around it, and im not really welcome. 3

wobbly; have you ever wished upon a star?

yes, i wish on all kinds of stuff all the time

#zee5starbug #chatty tag #HOLY SHIT #88 MORE TO GO LOL #ILU

[shikuchi-blog1]

oh boy i havent done one of these in a WHILE !  time to ramble & hope for the best.

blah blah hey its ya boi andy here with a whole bias list !!! DANG !! okay so like ??? im surprised that i hit 100 already honestly !! i admit, i'm used to hitting that Hundred(tm) mark pretty quick as i'm usually in bigger communities but in one that's as small as go.rillaz & with a character thats so common ?? i'm shook ! noodl.e has been one of my most productive & strongest muses yet. i'm surprised that ive been so on top of things lately when i've been busy with school & my usual muses die down within two to three weeks. but we're just about to hit that 1 month mark and she's still kicking which is absolutely fantastic. i've had a blast with the friends i joined this community with & with the people i've spoken to along the way. now that we're talking about them , let's start the part everybody actually cares about !!

M'HOMBOS  .  SHORT  /  people ive been talking to often OOC & who i consider friends ! check the bottom for the sappy shit because i RAMBLED abt these 4.

@bassled   /   @fractzure   /   @igninecari   /   @twodented

HEART EYES  .   /   ppl i've spoken to / thread with but i want to get to know better ! ( aka hmu whenever u want bleas ,,,, )

im also throwing m'boos in here that i didnt talk abt bc we dont interact as much on this blog or some other reasons

@nuorii  /  @reallyblah  /  @blackfiire  /  @russeld  /  @kaboooms  /  @wondcrkid  /  @appxssionato  /  @airfcil  /  @riffrcffed  /  @solhearts  /  @iimpious

EYES EMOJI x 100  .   /   people who i've hardly spoken to if at all but would like to eventually interact with more !

@leggystu  /  @bubberu  /  @littlebadger  /  @crackerpaula  /  @starwished  /  @endangcred  /   @cinderella-esque  /  @wargod  /  @teenghcst  /  @halfpact  /  @tankbitch  /  @dirvnitas  /  @gangguro  /  @kitanosuzume  /  @toriiel  /  @scaramouchc  /  @candieds

M'HOMBOS  .  LONG   /   under the cut because i wanna RAMBLE.

@bassled  .

I LOVE REN SM. she's literally my best friend i've known her for about 6-7 years & she's absolutely fantastic ok this entire fuckin bias list could be just her but im gonna try not to write an essay on how much i love her. she's been there for me for so long & the fact that she isnt tired of my petty ass yet deserves a damn award. i admire her a lot. this dude goes through so much shit irl and i'm amazed that she's still doing as well as she is, even if she doesnt realize it. if i was in her position i wouldn't even be writing let alone doing everything that she does. & boy her m.urdoc ?? is so good ?? i love him sm and its not me being biased BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY her muds is so fuckin good. ren isnt the most active, sure, but whenever she is i always stop to read her posts because i just !!!! love her sm !!!! she makes murd.oc realistic & makes him more human. she doesnt just focus on him being abusive or an asshole or gross but she definitely doesn't dismiss it either. she's so good at analyzing every little movement he does and turning it into something more and i just !!!! if i keep going this gonna go on for years just know that i love ren a lot :^}

@fractzure  . 

squidy's ugly ok moving on

JK FJKH no but actually !! ive known squidy for a hot minute too. we've been friends for a good few years now ( met on a .... fucgkign minec.raft server................. ) and i love them sm !!! every call that we have inevitably turns into a shitfest where we're wheezing our asses off. i may get on their ass every second & try to roast them for every little thing but its mostly because i just love their reactions and i love talking to them in general ??? and im petty but we're not talking abt that rn LMAO. but yea squidys such a fun person to hang out with & i appreciate talking to them lots !! and even though theyre not the most active either, i love what they have of their 2.D so far and i cant wait to see more of him once summer starts because i really like squidy's writing and im suuuper excited for that. also theyre making a russ.el probably and im.... so gay...... our thread rn is cute af and we gotta talk more abt them Um Squidy Hmu Bit.

on a final note; Ooga My Booga Is A Social Construct.

@igninecari  . 

i love !!! bones !!!! i havent known them for long, only a few months maybe, but talking to them every day has been a blast and our convos are usually filled with Chaotic Plotting and us talking over each other and its just. Gr8. we originally met on our a.va's dem.on blogs and i remember loving her m.aggie so fuckin much dude everything she said abt her was so !!! dang !!! good !!!! and even now with her emb.er & her ecla.ir i can see how much care & thought she puts into all of her muses. dude even thinks into their family and develops those characters which makes everything SO MUCH MORE REALISTIC. her writing is a joy to read also ?? its so pretty i love how she describes everything and i love all of the little references she sticks into her descriptions that fit her characters perfectly. im glad i dragged them into g.orillaz hell w/ me because we've got such a good thing going on w/ em & noods it makes me so happy !! also callout for bones WE GOTTA THREAD SMTH ASAP OR IM SPAMMING ASKS

@twodented  .

KIT IS AN ANGEL. i've only actually spoken her for maybe ??? two ?? three weeks ??? but we hit it off super quick and shes such a nice & supportive person ! i believe we first followed each other on our a.vas d.emon blogs but, seeing as we were both the same character, we never really approached each other 'til joining g.orillaz. i am so glad we actually started talking bc BOI !!!! I LOVE HER !!! she's so fun to talk to & to plot with. we'll just throw lil concepts at each other every once in a while and its Gr8. and !! her 2.d is so fuckin spot on let me tell u she's one of the ppl that, when i see her on the dash, i stop and read her writing even if it isnt for me because im so gay for her writing style. its so descriptive and eloquent and i love the way she formats ! i feel like she does his dialogue perfectly every time because its never been hard to understand for me but it still reads in his voice in my head which is (ok emoji x20). her hcs are a joy to read & i just !!! dont get me started on what we've talked about for 2.d and noodle im SO FUCKIN HEART-EYES FOR REALLY CLOSE PLATONIC RELATIONSHIPS AND THEY GOT ME SO EXCITED TO REPLY TO EVERYTHING ?????? PLATONIC 2N.U IS MY SHIT.  tl;dr i love kit & i love kits 2.d sm,,,,,

#( misc . ooc ) #bias list for ts #follower count for ts #:^3c

[stellar-stag]

Wow it’s been a while since I did a personal update here huh

I’ve honestly transitioned a lot of my venting/personal stuff to twitter

(I promise I havent abandoned you for my furry friends)

(I kinda have)

(I totally have)

(sorry)

But I feel like the last couple months have been a whirlwind for me, so I may as well keep y’all in the loop. I’m gonna sort these by topic.

First off, I had some issues with my romantic feelings. There’s a guy, a very very good friend, who is just fantastic in so many ways. Friendly and kind and supportive, progressive and enthusiastic, and shares so many of my interests. Seems natural that I would fall for him, right?

Well I did, and it resulted in a lot of emotional duress.

He has a girlfriend, and I knew this going in, but I didn’t fight my attachment. In the process of admitting my feelings to him and working through everything, I learned a lot about myself and got some practice in controlling my emotional state and how I react to things. But I also relied on him as an emotional crutch and used him for validation, especially during some particularly low emotional points, which is unfair to him. It is only because he is immensely understanding that we remain close friends, and this could have easily resulted in disaster.

But through this process I have grown, and identified a new issue blocking me from being of completely sound mind: Low self-esteem and reliance on others for validation. During my more anxious periods, I would slip into joking self-deprecation, and somewhere along the way it stopped being so joking. But surely, now that I’m taking meds for anxiety it would stop, right? Well, no. Turns out, even if I stopped consciously having thoughts of “Wow, I’m so bad at this”, I didn’t automatically gain appreciation or acceptance of myself. This manifests in a particularly dangerous manner when guys who are attractive are nice to me. 

I end up conflating kindness with romantic intent, and decide that obviously, if someone doesn’t have romantic interest in me, I must be irreparably flawed in some way. This is bullshit, and I consciously understand that, but my subconscious doesn’t play by the rules. So I end up in a self-loathing spiral that only manifests in periods of intense romantic desire, and a month later I’m exhausted, bruised, and have run the risk of alienating those around me who care about me.

So how to fix it? I suppose I’ll need to work on drawing validation from within, so that rejection feels less of a condemnation of my character and everything I am. It won’t be simple, to be sure, but understanding the issue is the key to overcoming it. 

Here’s hoping.

Secondly: I started working out! As of today, March 24th, I have been to the gym 12 times this month (half the days, holy shit) and thats because I, last week, decided to go from 3 workouts a week to 5, solely because I wanted to. If you told me a year ago that I would, of sound mind and body and my own volition, wake up every weekday at 5:45am to go workout for an hour, and enjoy the experience, I would have called you a liar. 

But I am, and I do. I think it’s benefitting my mental health and self confidence, and I’m thankful that I’m in a place where its even an option. This is only possible due to a coalition of so many factors: A free gym in my office and a natural predilection to waking up early to remove barriers, I started taking Vyvanse in January to aid in my attention issues (not sure if I have ADD/ADHD or what, but it’s helping me remained focused in all aspects of my life and for that I am grateful). And, of course, two people who aided in the impetus for beginning and making it a habit: My dad, for giving me crippling self-worth issues my entire life and then visiting in February and criticizing my health and weight (because I was sweating after walking up a hill, which more and more I realize is not actually an indicator of my exertion! I am just a person who sweats easily, and its more a function of temperature and endocrine system than anything else) and giving me the sheer spite to begin working out, and the guy I was crushing on (who is intensely into working out, and I wanted to impress him. Yeah, I was hella thirsty. Sue me). 

Regardless of the reasoning, I found that (once I cut cardio because seriously, fuck cardio), I enjoy working out in the mornings. It’s calming to wake up by exertion and then cool down slowly at my desk before other people even wake up. It’s given rise to a ritual of sorts where I get to my desk, deal with my emails, make breakfast and tea, all before anyone shows up, so that I can really hit the ground running. And more than that, I don’t have a goal in mind. I’m doing this because I know it’s good for me and I want to be healthy, and I enjoy the exertion and following “good” tiredness. If I was trying to lose weight or trim  fat, or stuck only to cardio, I would have given up by now. But its a habit, and I love it, and I’m sleeping better, eating better, and feeling better.

Again, this is only possible because of an alignment of several factors, but I’m thankful for it, and I’m glad I got out of the mindset that “workouts must suck but people do them because they wanna lose weight”. You don’t gotta do anything you don’t want to do, and I wish I had realized that sooner. Im feeling way better about my body, even, because despite the fact that I haven’t lost weight or gotten trimmer from working out, I know I’m eating (pretty) well and working out, and that my body does everything I need it to. I can take pride in the callouses on my hands and the soreness of my body, because they’re proof of dedication, exertion, and effort, and those are way better things to feel good about than shape and size, anyways. If people think I’m unhealthy because I have fat, they can suck it.

Thirdly, I’ve begun looking for a condo to buy! Housing in the bay area is STUPID EXPENSIVE (and yes everyone knows this, and I know this, but it bears repeating). But I can put a down payment on a one bedroom in a good location, and I’m prequalified for a loan, and I just need to keep waiting and pouncing on leads. I think I’ll be happier living by myself with a kitchen to myself, and still going out to social events to prevent becoming a hermit. Plus, with this setup I can maybe bring dudes back and not have to show them the pigsty that is our living room or the shoebox that is my bedroom. I was terrified at the start of this process, but my mom and the realtor have been awesome about taking this step by step and ensuring nothing is confusing or surprising, which is sweet.

Fourthly, possibly because I’ve been taking Vyvanse but also possibly because I’ve finally begun understanding what the hell I’ve been doing, I’ve really hit my groove at work. The project I’m working on is complex but interesting, challenging but well understood, and I don’t feel alone but still get to feel a sense of ownership. It’s not the most fulfilling thing ever (I don’t know that working on payments platforms for a corporation ever will be) but I enjoy work, I don’t loathe going to work, and despite the fact that I was sick as a dog all this week, I came in everyday (after working out) to work full productive days, and I was happy at the end of each of them, more or less. Its not perfect but its head and shoulders above what most people get from their jobs, and I’m immensely fortunate to be in this position.

Fifthly, this is more a continuation of already known things, but I’m making cool friends in the furry fandom. I’ve made good friends, some who I hope I will keep as friends for the rest of my life, and I’ve already made plans to go to Reno in June and Disneyworld in November to hang out and have fun with them. As nerve wracking as being an adult is sometimes, the freedom is something I wouldn’t trade for anything. 

Sixthly, I’ve been taking a creative writing workshop in SF! It finished last weekend and I’m happy to not need to commute each week anymore, but I learned a lot about reading like a writer and choices you can make as a writer to achieve desired effects. The workshop focuses on narrators and how who is telling the story tells it, and the model they use for exercises is SO HELPFUL. We would read an excerpt of something, discuss how the narrator/choices/tense/mood all work together, and then we would write something in a similar format about whatever we wanted. Lemme tell yall, that is so much more helpful to me as a student than just prompts. Having a guide to format is like drawing from references, its helpful and and great for learning and gives you the tools to make your own things later on. I highly recommend it, and I can’t wait to get back to my book. 

Got a lot of art to make first, though. I’ve definitely improved a lot in artistic skill and confidence, and I’m loving finding niche styles that I like and mimicking them. The stained glass pic I posted yesterday is proof of that, I feel. Its drawn from Mucha and various real life stained glass windows and a bit from Kingdom Hearts, but I took these and the tools at my disposal and wove it into something that feels complete. I figured out how to apply a cloudy “glass” texture, glows, stabilization, symmetry tools, pattern design, and more all through the process, and I know theres so much room to iterate and grow, in shading and coloring and proportion. But even knowing I have room to grow, I’m proud of what I put out and I put a lot of my heart into that piece (yes, its a birthday gift for workout boy. Shut up). I think I’m going to accept commissions for pictures in this style, even. It’s great fun.

So yeah, the last couple of months have been intense. I’ve had ups and downs, but I’ve learned and grown a lot, and I think I’m in a really good place in my life right now, and I hope that every one of you achieves a similar level of peace.

#ramblings of a gay man #long post #life update #wrote almost 2k words about myself #vanity thy name is george

[tumblunni]

Aaaaa ugh time of the month started And I’m breaking my ‘no caffeine’ fast AGAIN because I’m just so exhausted and gross feeling and I need it :P and just... uuuugh it doesnt hurt as much as it used to, I get less abdominal cramps now i try sleeping on my back whenever it starts but its still just so draining and demotivating when I know I’m not female yet I’m gonna have to deal with this shit anyway just GUH its so gross stop reminding me i have ovaries period blood fucking SMELLS, even! it smells completely different to regular blood and just a million times worse than anything on earth. i feel just as unclean as people used to treat women on their periods in ancient civilization, its just so horrible i have to pay attention to my ovaries for a week each month i have to be all achey and smell like a monster and constantly never be able to get clean and its so bad cos i have an inconsistant period i can never predict so theres always just that horrible moment of realizing halfway through the day that its started and now a good mood is ruined I refuse to let this mood be ruined, I’m just gonna stop thinking about it, ok take the pain meds and think about ANYTHING ELSE except dysphoria jesus christ and even seriously THE WORST BIT is how my period almost always coincides with my birthday too! it landed on my birthday this year and last year and on my 18th. it always fluctuates around the 12 to the 15th and its always the 12th in october exactly when i dont want it GAHHHH and sometimes its really painful and sometimes its okay and sometimes its REALLY PAINFUL I have these ridiculous blisteringly horrid periods that make me unable to fuckin walk straight cos my entire abdomen has gone numb while I vomit out everything I try to eat and sweat straight through my clothes with fever and friggin hallucinate this year’s birthday i had to go through that I had to WALK HALF A MILE TO THE SHOPS while going through that I was all out of medication and i nearly fucking fainted in the street on the way back I couldnt see anything at all, i was that goddamn dizzy it took me five tries to unlock my own door and i fucking didnt leave the house for a month after having to be outside while i was all gross and sweaty and probably everybody hated me and gahhhh I get paranoid that people can fuckin smell it on me and they know this body is female even if the person inside it isnt... I get paranoid they’ll all know I’m a fake I need to stop spiralling and just take my medicine dear god I keep freaking out more and more each month, i was able to handle this better when i was younger... it just keeps settling in that im gonna have to deal with this for the rest of my LIFE for no goddamn reason at all plz tie my tubes dear god doctor: okay we can talk about the transgender thing later, right now the priority is fixing your depression MY DUDE MY GUY DONT YOU THINK THAT WOULD HELP WITH MY DEPRESSION??? god i know probably he just means my medication would interact badly with testosterone suppliments but whatever seriously can i at least talk to a therapist about it or have my right pronouns used i built up all the courage to tell my support worker and they just pretend like it never happened and i keep cringing every time everyone keeps saying ‘miss’ and ‘woman’ even though I TOLD THEM seriously please dont make me remind you im not brave enough to speak up againnnn its hilarious the only place im out of the closet is frickin DWR CYMRU WATER BILLS COMPANY they added a ‘mx’ option on their registration forms and allowed me to change my details i dont even have it on my birth certificate, i dont even have my psychologist aknowledging it, but my frickin bathroom faucet provider is there for me they provide representation where it counts and also tap repair when it counts just imagine me scraping my claws across my face because that is what i am doing right now I need to eat my takeaway and take my medication and think about LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE okay okay I’ll try doing the measurements to get my custom binder ordered I’ll do that ...maybe tomorrow I dont know I keep putting it off cos I hate looking at my naked chest I wish i just had a bra size to give them but I legit have never known my bra size I couldnt fucking stand getting tested for it and having saleswomen look at me and touch me and talk about fucking breasts like theyre something great and like I’m a fucking woman when im not, please listen to me dear god and everyone’s telling me to get cervical exams for vaginal cancer and blablabla its important to get tested once a year when you’re over 20 but I AM NOT GETTING PEOPLE SHOVING SHIT UP MY HORRIBLE DYSPHORIA ORGAN WHILE TALKING ABOUT HOW FEMALE I APPARANTLY AM god why do i keep spiralling and thinking about everything bad I dont want to think about my body i just want the pieces gone i feel like a lunatic cos even most trans people dont have moments of literally wanting to cut your own stomach open with a knife and take the parts out i get the stupidest most over the top self harm thoughts I spend way too much time thinking of how the fuck I could possibly perform my own top surgery without bleeding out or dying of infection or whatever I ended up dwelling on it way too much when that old comic Y The LLast Man mentioned amazons ‘burning off their left boob’ as a sign of fellowship or something, I spent ages trying to figure out how the fuck you do that and how I could do it right now someone save me from this flesh coffin gross fucking sacks of uselessness and a spiderweb of disgusting blood organs that serve no purpose except punishing me every month for not wanting to have sex yeah geez fucking christ isnt femininity great cant imagine why anyone would ever not want to be a woman gahhhh and then I end up being a rude piece of shit and probably alienating all my trans woman friends who want this kind of body, and im just like PLEASE TAKE IT AWAY why cant there be a magical ray that lets us swap give me a way to pretend I’m being generous instead of selfish by self-mutilating this sad sack of a body gahhh ... sorry, dont take it serious guys, I’m just venting. I’ve had a lot of disturbing self hate thoughts before but I havent acted on them since I was a teenager. Its not all dysphoric though, sometimes god likes to spice it up by making me imagine slicing my own eyeballs out of my head or whatever XD i was having such a good day, I was going to go start drawing again... why now...

#bunni original vintage post #orry tmi i guess #long vent post #just let me die #or disappear #or just sleep #let me be anything but curvy #jesus christ #its everything right down to the shape of my face and hips that makes me disgusted with myself #i feel like i'll be flagged as female no matter how many steps i take to dress androgenous

[strawberryspeachy]

I can read through the convo I’ve had with that boy for the past month in the same amount of time it takes me to read through a day in the summer

He actually asked me questions and kept the conversation going and joked with me so reading through any given day can take upwards of 10 minutes. And most of those days we had half of the conversation via Snapchat that I can longer see

It takes about 7 minutes to read what is me just me talking and him either not responding or giving one word replies or reluctantly a few sentences after I’ve nagged at him about it :(

Yea yea. Take the hint. From November to now (March) exact same day too... he’s never wanted to talk to me

There’s literally been two instances that he talked to me normally and I melted for the rest of the day. Not long either. Just him texting me first to just tell me something. So short that I’d even wondered those times if he accidentally texted me instead of someone else.

I’ve asked every question except for “do you actually want to talk to me” because as he said yesterday. The answers no. I knew it was no. That’s why I’ve stressed over everything else. Because I knew this whole time he hasnt wanted to talk to me. And I’ve asked every question

Why are you ignoring me

Why are you talking to that girl

Why don’t you treat me like you treat them

Why didn’t you look at my picture

Did you like my picture

Do you still think I’m pretty

Am I annoying you

Who are you texting

What are you doing

Any question around the focus. Do you WANT to talk to me.

No.

He doesn’t care about me at all.

I hate that he has options.

It sucks. Because if he didn’t have options. I know he’d like me. He did before. He got bored and there’s always someone else willing to be there for him so he can drop any of those feelings and leave

Me though. I don’t have options. No one I ever legitimately like reciprocates those feelings.

Years go by intbetween the times someone I truely want to be with comes along and shows interest.

If I had options and he wanted me I’d choose him and that’s what sucks. Because he won’t choose me and I don’t have other options.

It’s not like I haven’t been open to guys advances. But no one ever does. I’ve become interested in boys I didn’t find physically attractive but who were nice to me and acted interested. And then they were even meaner to me.

I’m fucked up. I’m miserable. I’m a shitty person when I’m upset. But I always meet these guys when I’m feeling ok. I don’t show that side. I do everything right.

There’s a legitimate attraction. We talk about our lives and interest. We joke and laugh together. We show interest in each other. I don’t flake on people even when I really want to but everyone I’ve ever met had cancelled on me at the last second. And with these dudes that do that (with the exception of the college dude) I’ve always been a normal understanding person who goes - that’s ok! You do what you gotta do we can reschedule if you want!

I don’t understand. I genuinely don’t understand. I’m not trying to make myself look good by any account when I say I literally have no clue what’s goes wrong every time.

NO ONE. WILL. TELL. ME.

It’s been happening my whole life and I started getting mad about it come college. I started demanding to know. Ive started acting like the crazy person when it happens. And. It doesn’t lead to answers

To be fair I started off just nicefully asking. All that got me was ‘what are you talking about? I didn’t stop talking to you! We’re talking right now’

When when I started pointing out that we are because I tracked them down I get ‘I’m sorry! I’ve been really busy!! I didn’t even realize’

Pointing out what it is they’ve been doing that show they no longer want to talk lead to people reacting the same way as if I went insane on them. I literally haven’t recieved a different response to me politely and thoughtfully going

‘hey. Idk if you’ve meant to do this. But it feels like you don’t want to talk to me anymore. You’re responses have been shorter and we don’t talk much anymore. You don’t seem to find my jokes funny anymore even thought they’re the same as before. And you haven’t reached out in a while - it’s just been me. Maybe you’re busy with (insert whatever thing I knew they were up to a month ago) and I’m sorry if I’m bothering you if that’s the case. But I was just wondering if I did something wrong’

That would lead to the same ‘OMG YOU EXPECT SO MUCH FROM ME!! I HAVE MY OWN LIFE AND DONT HAVE TIME TO PUT UP WITH YOUR BS!! I HAVENT BEEN IGNORING YOU IVE BEEN TIRED AND BUSY.’ —- followed by being personally attacked with whatever it is that person feels (whether it be projecting. Bringing up something small from months before they stopped talking to me. Or whatever nerve I touched during my message or speech)

I’ve literally gotten the same response from doing that as I’ve gotten to say.... going to their house and confronting them at an inconvienient time.

Both generally followed by ‘you always play the victim’ or ‘ you do stuff like this so that’s why’

These same speaches come from people I’ve known as little at a week to people I’ve know for 10 years.

It sounds as thought I’m hiding something. I just act like this psycho person all the time probably right. It’s not like I can prove that’s not the truth..... it sucks.

I hold so much hate still toward my freshman year roommate because she reacted to me this way and I know for a fact I never did anything wrong to that girl. I consciously every second of the day made sure to be nice and considerate and positive. And when she left and told the world that I was the devil. The only things she said that actually happened were

1) I raised my voice. I did whine loudly that one time at the like 3rd time her and her bf tried to have sex in the bunk bed above me I let out a loud whine and in the same pitch said “please stop I’m trying to sleep”

2) I had a dusty fan. You’re right. I should have cleaned it. It only blew on me but that’s my b. It didn’t occur to me that it was a problem but I would have cleaned it if she ever told me it bothered her

3) one night I got irritated and yelled at my printer and hit it. Yes. I did that. It was quite late but she was over on her computer and all the lights were one. I got stressed out that my printer stopped working and in a louder tone went something to the effect of “what the fuck you stupid thing!!” My friends earrring had dissapeared inside of it a few days prior. We looked for it but the printer ate and hid it somehow. I hit the printer in frustration. And then it began to work and in a happy voice I went “oh cool that worked” according to her that incident made my fucking psycho.

4) not in her list of complaints to everyone as to why I was the absolute worst were. One time I walked in and didn’t see her sleeping. So I turned on the light as I talked to my friend. I felt really bad when she sat up very disoriented and apologized and turned the light back off and left. Another time I walked in while her and her bf were in the middle of fucking and backed back out of the room.

One time when I was going to a party my friend said I should have my roommate do my makeup - while she was sitting there. I was already getting vibes the girl didn’t like me and so I didn’t try to talk to her unless she talked to me - keep it polite... I... didn’t actually admit to myself that she didn’t like me but I did try to give her as much space as you can in a dorm. She’d go to the library all day to be away from me so when she’d come back to go to sleep I’d go to the common room till I was ready to sleep. Stuff like that. But my friend saying that right in front of her I went with it and excitedly went - you’re right she does do great makeup and asked her if she’d like to do my makeup for me. She said ok. And when the day came I texted her and asked her if she still was ok with doing my makeup. She said she was busy studying and went that’s ok! I didn’t tell my friend that I thought she didn’t like me or anything. I just stayed surface level and said she’s busy studying! That’s ok! I don’t think my face is a good canvas for her preferred makeup.

I have literally never tried harder in my life to be good to someone. And that girl fucking despised me. She didn’t just dislike me but she wanted EVERYONE to hate me. And she went out of her way to make that happen.

And that’s what’s devastating about it. Not that she was a great person. She wasn’t. She said things that disturbed me all the fucking time and I would be positive and compliment her on something that’s going well for her or that’s she’s doing good now. I successfully for the first time since elementary school stayed positive with someone who tried so hard to make me say something mean. And instead of anything good was punished for it.

And she did what she sought out to do. My friends stayed on my side and told me how they didn’t understand why she disliked me so much. But I could always see them wondering - it’s it true? She’s actually insane to be with too long isn’t she? So many things for the next few months that they didn’t just tell me she was doing. They waited to see if I brought it up myself. Like I told my one friend days later that I asked someone on my floor if they knew why she had moved out. If she said anything specific about what I’d done. And he told me he didn’t even know she left. That’s when my friend spoke up and said - no she tagged him on fb and said thanks for helping her move out. No one told me toll the next year that she had added the boy I liked on fb. Not till once again I said I was talking to him and it was good at first but then he suddenly pulled away and idk why. Then suddenly - oh yeah! She added him on fb btw - they’re friends.

[matthew-eleventhirty]

so i havent written in a while, maybe thats because what i found out was my worst nightmare. two years, almost two years. i was happy, you were happy i think. but when things started to go crazy you werent happy anymore. i wanna vomit thinking about what our lives used to be, what they used to feel like they were heading towards. but a month out of that, youre with a new girl. im so conflicted- to feel sad or to tell you to fuck off. this is one of the hardest things i had to do and everyone is treating me like im some fragile doll. i hate it, but i also just want someone to wake me up and tell me this was all a dream. yea you were really shitty during some times and i let a loooot slide, but it was all because i loved you. im sorry my friends wrang you out to dry, i didnt tell them to but i was really really appreciative that they did. the second they saw shit was going everywhere. it only makes sense for you to have been cheating on me. i mean, less than three weeks to find a girl, ask her to date you, go to the tree, then post it? you dont post pics with tinder dates...? so who is she? why didnt you tell me? why couldnt you just have been honest. that you wanted something different, that another girl caught your eye. its better to rip the bandaid off with me. but no i sat around freaking out trying my absolute hardest to give you what you wanted. i was nothing but amazing to you, patient with you, caring for you, trying to help you, trying to help you to help us. maybe youll never realize that and think im too pushy. but the words you used, the way you kissed me after. i it doesnt make sense. it doesnt add up. how could you do that to someone you loved, let alone a person. but you know what, everyones right you are a loser and a coward. but lets touch on another point. the means for breaking us up were: 1. no one knows me at school, i want to be more known 2. i just have so much to figure out, i need to be alone to do this 3. if you really love something let it go, if it loves you back itll come back. now mr. i think im going to law school please lets go over this. you 1. have a new girl who lives two towns over and from the looks of it doesnt go to st johns so thats gonna be even more difficult to get your name out there huh 2. YOU HAVE A NEW GIRL SO I GUESS THERE WASNT THAT MUCH TO FIGURE OUT and lastly my favorite 3. that is the cruelest thing you can do to someone- to give them hope when you know there is no reason to. your moms was right, youre not worth crying over. but hey guess all of them are going to be compared to me haha i love it. you played me bill there i said it you fucking played me but dont think for one moment that girl will stop you from freaking out or getting too aggressive dont think that she will have the patience for you when you cant come over or that plans are canceled or that your schedule is so busy dont think that she will care for you the same way i did by trying to help you unload some of that baggage. dont think youll ever have the same relationship with anyone after me. im special, im the whole fucking package and i come with a fucking bow. you missed out, but maybe giving you a chance to miss out was the worst thing i couldve done. you made me feel bad when you had to work extra shift to pay for some wimpy ass birthday gift. they were never wrapped and never as special as i wanted to feel. the only good gift was the ring. but i guess even thats a joke now. you really did a 180. i dont know who this guy is, hes not the person i dated. you were sweeter when you were broke. you were nicer without that fucking car. you were a better boyfriend when you didnt try looking like any other washed up teen spending their parents money to buy the next nicest thing so they post a pic to twitter just to get like 10 likes. you were a much better person and i dont think it was the depression, i think its because youre not able to be your own person. you need to follow trends (and yes by being the first in line to get some weird blue floral print shorts is you following a trend) you needed to have the nicest car but that car isnt even paid for by you. that insurance on those things are so high. your poor parents. i cant believe you really need the nastiest human being on the world just to look like a dumb ass faker. you ugly fuck. i hope she realizes what a fucking prick you are. i cant believe you changed. you were a sweet boy but i was right on the 4th and i was still right in newport and i was right when i told you after we broke up. everything needs to be your way or no way. you needed to play a stupid game with too many rules to show my family you drink we dont care i wanted to spend time with my friend. you really couldnt have let me walk through the stores because you wanted to buy an ugly ass sweatshirt. youre mom called you out on it. you couldnt talk to me when i desperately needed to when i felt like nothing but a shell and would cry myself to sleep and throw up because i cant keep anything down not even coffee. but dont worry because i came out stronger and i will continue to be better because one thing i hope you picked up about me is that i need to be the best, the very top, the prime example for fun and brains. i need to be that. so i will be that, and you will be so far behind it would take you decades to get to where i wouldve been in two years. i hope you realize you are a fucking idiot. and i hope one day i can learn a thing or two from you imbeciles. because im gonna have the best time ever and enjoy being single and enjoy my achievements while you bury yourself in debt. hope you marry rich because at the pace youre going, you wont have a great paying job until your 50s. and the debt youll have no thankyou. i understand college is a rollercoaster and its frustrating to try to find your path but dude, a lawyer... during the third year of your four year scholarship? idiot, might as well just buy a bunch of shit on your credit card and hope it goes away. my next thing to look for is stability, if the people who i am talking to mention a job and aspirations and a plan as to how to work things out and talks about how he knows what he enjoys and has a good relationship with his parents and knows what he needs to do and when to do it. i need a man. i need someone who can and will pick me up just to swing me around his shoulder. i need a man. i need someone who will make me stronger and wiser. i need someone who will want to see me grow and not expect for me to help them get through non- challenging things like organization. you having depression is different. thats when you could expect me to help you. but dear lord, give me the strength to get through this and lord please give me the knowledge to recognize these things fast and to confront them and to know to stand down. lord give me the patience to succeed and to help me heal properly, lord give me the guidance to come out better than ever. life is tricky and its only just begun. i might hold on to this.