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joonsrack · 4 years

Text

+Pairing: Seokjin x Gender neutral reader

+Genre: One shot, heavy angst, L2E.

+Word count: 4.8k

+Warnings: PG, Theme of infidelity, alcohol as a coping mechanism, swearing, SFW, codependency, breaking up, unhappy ending.

+Summary:

Living with the love of your life is everything you hoped it would be like, and more. You get to wake up to him (almost) every morning, eat his cooking, share your moods, hear his laughter… Now things would be easier if the man you love wasn’t someone else’s husband.

+A/N: Hellooooooooooo. This is for the collab Outro: Tears - The angst now told, put together by the amazing @personawife. This is my first time writing heavy angst and unhappy ending, as I tend to keep my stuff pretty fluffy. It was definitely a challenge and it took me out of my comfort zone, but I’m glad I did it. Will I ever do it again? Probably not. But it allowed me to explore, so that was pretty nice. Thank you to the wonderful @namjooniebjonesuniverse for betaing my dumb french ass and giving me helpful guidance, ily bb. Title from 134340, the most superior bts song of all time.

Three knocks on the door pull you out of your thoughts, bringing you back into the moment. You’re sitting on your couch in your dark living room, a glass of bitter-tasting wine swirling in your hand. It’s usually your favorite bottle, but today it leaves an ashy after taste in the back of your throat.

Not for the first time, you wonder if it’s really worth it. If it’s worth this. These lonely moments where you feel like you’re holding on by a thread, ready to burst at the seams.

Are they truly a fair price to pay for the happiness you feel when you’re with him?

You put your glass down, unfolding your legs and planting them on the floor, before filling your lungs with much-needed air.

There’s another series of knocks, more tentative.

He knows you’re in there, but he doesn’t know in what state. He has his own keys, always has, but he’s leaving you the power to open the door or not.

You bite your lips nervously, bracing yourself for the high of emotions you get whenever you see him after a long time. As much as you dread it, the fact that you still get these butterflies might mean that yes, all these moments spent in the dark might be worth it.

(It’s getting harder to convince yourself.)

You pad quietly to the door, not needing to look through the peephole; no one else would be knocking at your door at this hour.

The sound of the bolt turning rips violently through the deafening silence, and you open the door slowly, before meeting his eyes hesitantly.

You probably look like a mess; lips tinted by wine, hair disheveled from the day, work clothes untidy and creased. It doesn’t stop Seokjin from dropping his suitcase and lifting you in a tight hug, planting his face in the crook of your neck.

He walks a few steps in before depositing you back on your feet, but without letting go. You feel his hands grabbing at your clothes, no intention other than holding on to you; like you’re a vision that might disappear. For some reason, this is the most worrying part.

You drop a soft kiss on his shoulder, before extricating yourself out of his hold. You sidestep him to grab his suitcase lying forgotten on the ceramic of the hallways, depositing it inside and closing the door.

Then you lead Jin backward, loosening his tie for him, discarding it before getting started on his button-up. He watches your fingers work, following after you until your back hits the door frame of your bedroom.

He uses the opportunity to cage you in, using his finger to raise your chin so he can lock your lips in a soft kiss. You let him pepper your face with kisses, closing your eyes and enjoying the tenderness of it all. If he notices the single tear that trails down your cheek, he doesn’t mention it.

There are very few places you like waking up more than on Seokjin’s chest, head moving in time with the up and down of his steady breathing.

A fine stream of light is sneaking in through the curtains, hitting you directly in the eyes and bathing the room in a soft morning glow. Seokjin’s skin underneath you is shining a light gold, the warmth of his body getting covetously soaked up by yours.

You two have not had a morning to yourselves in what feels like forever. This morning is all yours to enjoy though, and you plan on basking in his body heat a little more. Laying in bed all day with the love of your life is probably why weekends were invented anyway.

“Morning beautiful,” he says softly, his breath tickling the tip of your ear, sending a shiver down your spine. He pecks the top of your head, breathing in your morning scent for a second, before starting his long stretching process, dislodging you from your hard-earned heat pocket. You whine a little, but it’s only when he sits up that you truly get offended.

“What are you doing” you pout, holding on for dear life to his middle, plastering your face to where you can reach without actually sitting up too.

“Starting my day?” He says, as he gently unwraps your arm from around his waist.

“Sounds dumb.”

“I’m doing you the honor of making breakfast. You should be grateful.” He grins down at you, pushing your hair out of your face and trying to comb them into submission. Or maybe he’s trying to dishevel you even more, judging from his facial expression.

“There’s apps for that now, old man. You choose what you want and they deliver it to you right at your door.”

He chuckles at your quip, before stepping out of the bed. You’re hoping your age jab goes unpunished, but then he pulls the whole comforter with him, exposing you to the cold air of the room. You shriek in horror, taking offense as he runs off, cackling maniacally.

You’re left slightly shivering, spread out on your back, staring at the ceiling.

There’s a small smile playing at your lips now that Seokjin is out of sight.

It’s moments like this, filled with softness and love, that makes it all worth it.

Right?

After pulling on one of Jin’s sweaters that swallows you whole, and some shorts lying around, you make your way after him, guessing he’ll most definitely be in the kitchen. Sure enough, you spot the discarded comforter on the couch and hear the sound of food making and pans being moved around. You grab the comforter to wrap yourself in it, trudging into the kitchen with a train.

You make your presence known by hugging him from behind, hooking your chin over his shoulder to peek at what’s starting to smell quite nice. You press a kiss into the crook of his neck once you spot the crêpes in the pan.

“Is this your version of apology cookies?” You ask, mentioning for the first time the elephant in the room.

You feel more than hear his sigh, his wide shoulders deflating a little.

“It was completely out of my control” he answers, voice going low and soft.

“I know, but I still missed you like crazy.”

“It won’t happen again.”

There’s an edge to his voice, and you rub your thumb into his tummy to soothe him. You almost regret bringing it up, but you’d rather clear the air now than wait for it to fester.

Two weeks ago, Seokjin was leaving for a usual two-night stay for an in-laws family gathering. Somehow, a series of events had extended that small trip to a whole week, and then when he had come back, he’d been swept into work matters. Thus, he hadn’t been home for the whole fortnights, which was the longest you two had spent apart since the day he had basically moved in with you.

“Did something happen?” You ask tentatively. The tension builds up into his whole body hadn’t escaped your notice. You know him too well for that. The moment you had seen him yesterday night, looking completely drained, you knew it wasn’t his habitual bought of work tiredness.

“…You know, the usual. They’re asking, or more like demanding, things I’m not ready to give.” He answers without elaborating, and you know not to push.

“Then work was just a shit show.”

“I saw the news.”

He makes a noncommittal sound before flipping the crêpe with expert precision. His family’s company’s stocks had dropped a few points over a small mismanagement scandal. Nothing that couldn’t be cleared in a few days, but enough of a problem to request Jin’s undivided attention.

“Those better be good enough to make up for two weeks of loneliness.” You tease, but it ends up sounding heavier than you intended, more honest.

He’s silent a beat too long to be natural, but to your relief, he decides to keep things light.

“I put in a secret ingredient.” He says, his voice laced with mischief.

You frown curiously while he reaches for something in his jogging’s pockets.

A second later, he pulls out a finger heart, that he proceeds to ‘sprinkle’ over the pan.

You face plant into his shoulder blades with a wide smile, muffling your snickering into his skin. His shoulders shake as he attempts to suppress his laughter rather unsuccessfully.

You missed him, so bad, everyday, every moment. Craved his presence. This apartment, the home you made with him, doesn’t feel as bright and warm when he’s not here with you. It should scare you, how much of an impact he has on your life, your moods, your needs. You’re usually a pretty fair boss, but the assistants and interns have been avoiding you for the whole week now, so you know his absence had put a greater strain on your mood than you let yourself believe.

In fact, it does scare you a little. Not your love, but the power this love holds over you. Sometimes there are days you look at him and you feel like you could go crazy, do crazy things for him. Even after all these years together, he still has the ability to cause butterflies to burn a hole through your stomach. If anything, it only keeps burning stronger. It’s threatening to consume you, and you’re tempted to let it.

When you two share moments, staring into each others’ eyes like you just met, you can see those feelings reflected back at you.

You eat breakfast on the couch, morning dramas on. It’s going to be one of those lazy days, which is exactly what you need. Just some time to enjoy each other’s company, reconnect and forget the stress of being separated for two weeks.

You watch a few episodes in comfortable silence, enjoying the lines of your body meshed together, intertwined on the narrow couch.

At some point you feel his eyes on you, and you meet them, not expecting what you see there.

You feel a knot tightening in your stomach at his expression; full of worry and incertitude. He quickly morphs it into something more neutral, but it’s too late. You saw, and you know something is wrong. Something that can’t wait.

You recall last night, when he grabbed at you like you might just disappear into thin air. You tried your hardest not to mention it. Normally you would wait until he’s ready to tell you, but seeing him suffer is making you hurt as well.

You put the tv on pause, sitting up and pulling him up with you so you can be eyes level. You take his hands in between yours, playing with his fingers before smiling reassuringly at him.

"There's something you're not telling me, I can feel it. " You say softly, rubbing gentle circles into his palm.

He looks down at your joined hands, eyes turning sad with a nervous hint. He blinks one too many times, his nervous tell is well known to you.

"I know it's probably related to her... Whatever it is, we can work through it."

Seokjin closes his hands around yours, bringing your hands up to his lips, kissing them softly.

He’s bracing himself, you can see it in the tense line of his broad shoulders, and you make sure to morph your expression into something open, calm and understanding.

His grip on your hands tightens a fraction before becoming looser, and you pick up your gentle ministration again, rubbing small circles into his skin, giving him the time he needs to find the right words.

He opens his mouth but nothing comes out for a long moment. You wait, still, not wanting to ruin his momentum, and just as his lips start moving around his first word, the silence of the room is broken by the loud vibration of his phone, facedown on the living room table.

You both startle, looking down at what ruined this moment, him with a look of apprehension. He reaches for it, cursing at the name on the screen, before throwing you an apologetic look. He doesn't actually meet your eyes, and the tightness in your stomach is back in full force.

"I need to take this." He says, a deep frown creasing his forehead.

You catch sight of her name on the screen.

His wife.

He stands up from the couch, answering the call with a sharp 'what is it' into the phone. You hear the sound of the bedroom door closing shut behind him, and you're once again left alone in the living room.

The temperature of the room drops below freezing point, making every breath a struggle.

“-/N….Y/N!”

You startle at the sound of your name, looking up to see Taehyung standing in front of your desk, a couple of files under the arm.

"You completely spaced out there."

You look down at your screen, half and email staring back at you. Mondays are usually pretty tough, but today you have not been able to focus for more than 5 minutes straight.

"Everything alright?"

You look up at your friend again, mustering what you think is a normal looking smile. "Of course."

Taehyung winces, looking worried. He walks back to the door to close it, then takes a seat in front of you.

"Talk." He says, putting both his hands down on his crossed legs.

"We're not doing this at work Tae,” you sigh, “ I'm not letting myself be distracted by my personal matters while in my office."

"Yeah well, it's too late for that. You were looking pretty distracted when I walked in; I had to call your name like, five times."

You hold back an eye roll, too old for that. But it's a close call.

"Temporary madness, won't happen again. Thank you for calling me back to earth."

You focus back on your screen dismissively, hoping your friend gets the message.

He doesn't, and you work for a few minutes in his presence before the silence becomes too much.

"Did you have any other business here that required my attention."

"You've been acting out of it for the past two weeks and I put it down on the fact that he wasn't home, but I'm pretty sure he's supposed to be back by now."

You sigh again, annoyed but also tired. Bone tired.

"He...had an emergency. He left yesterday and he won't be here this week either." You say, keeping your eyes on the screen, lest you meet Taehyung's and he reads all the longing and pain in them.

Seokjin had reassured you it would not happen again, and not even 24 hours later he broke his promise.

It's worth it, you tell yourself. How many times has it been, that you’ve had to remind yourself of that?

Taehyung's expression softens, knowing how much his absence usually affects you.

Your work phone rings, and you thank god for small miracles, getting a break from your friend's all-knowing eyes.

"Yes Jimin," You ask your assistant on the phone, making a shooing motion at Taehyung. Without any surprise, he doesn't budge.

"I have Mrs.Kim Hana on the phone for you, she's saying it's some important matter. should I connect the call?"

Your heart drops to the floor, blood turning icy. Why would she be calling you of all people? The first thing that pops into your mind is Jin. It’s the only logical explanation.

Something must have happened to him, and you usually leave your personal phone on silent during work hours, so she couldn't join you otherwise.

Taehyung examines your face, looking worried. You probably look like you've seen a ghost.

"Yes, yes put her on. Thank you."

The line rings twice before a beep indicates you've been connected.

"This is Y/N speaking." You say, struggling to keep your voice steady.

"Hi, this is Kim Hana."

"Is something the matter, Mrs.Kim?" You ask, knowing she likes insisting on the Kim, to remind you that she's in that position and not you.

"I just had a few questions for you," she says, voice saccharine. You frown. Is that it?

"I'm at work right now, can't this phone call be done sometime tonight?" You ask, trying to keep the annoyance out of your voice now that you know there’s no immediate emergency.

"This will only take a few seconds, I need to be somewhere myself."

You rub your temple with your free hand, not in the mood for her mind games. You two rarely talk unless necessary. You don't exactly hate each other, but her being married to the man you've been dating for the last few years isn't exactly the stellar base for an excellent relationship.

"Go ahead."

"I'll be very straight to the point: Do you have any STDs or any type of transmittable disease?"

The question takes you by surprise, a frown etching itself into your forehead..

"Excuse me?" You ask, tone dry.

"Have you and Seokjin used protection? Probably not, right? You've been sleeping together for what, 3 years?"

You stay silent for a good minute, completely horrified.

"Mrs. Kim, how is that any of your fucking business?"

Taehyung's eyes go wide, not used to hearing you curse sober. These are usually reserved for when you've drunk a little.

"Well, I thought he would have told you, but I see he clearly hasn't.” There’s glee in her voice, and you want to hang up, right now. You know you won’t like what you’re about to hear.

But it’s stronger than you, and you ask, “Tell me what?”

“Well, you see, our parents are starting to ask for an heir. That would have been the natural course of this marriage, if you weren’t in the way." There’s contempt peeking through the fake lightness of her tone, and she giggles cutely like she hadn't just dropped a bomb on your head.

"...What?" The words don't make sense in your head. They just bounce around, wreaking havoc.

"This is why Seokjin needs to stay here this week, as I am in the prime time of my cycle. If it doesn't take we'll need to try again in the next few months. Our parents were very clear this needs to happen now."

There's a buzzing in your ear, getting louder by the second.

"They demand things I am not ready to give" had said Jin on Sunday.

They demand an heir of him.

You hear yourself talk, but it's very far away. You knew this would happen someday. But not this soon, not right now. You had buried that inevitability deep under a thick layer of denial, and it was springing back out of nowhere, like a kick in the stomach.

"I'm sure you could ask all these questions to the man himself." You say, the tip of your fingers gone numbs.

She chuckles down the line, and you decide to actually start hating her.

"I guess I could." Is all she answers, before hanging up.

You stay frozen, phone held to your ear, until Taehyung hears the dial tone, take the phone from your hand and hang up for you.

"Who was that?" He asks, mindful of keeping his voice soft.

You rest your face in your hand, pacing your breathing. Now is not the time to lose control. You're at work, you're professional and today is not the day this is going to change.

Except the air is stiff as it enters your lungs, and it burns on the way out. Your hands turn into fists, nails digging into the skin, as you try your hardest not to break.

This? This feeling coursing through your body? This is not worth it.

This week was supposed to be spent coming home to Jin's cooking after another long day at work, or waking up early to make you both a cup of coffee before heading out to the office, stealing a morning kiss on the way.

Except you're alone once more, sitting on your couch in the living room you love so much when he's here, swirling wine that darkens the color of your lips a shade too deep and leaves ashes on your tongue. Instead, you'll be eating some quick fix in a kitchen that looks empty, silent save for the sound of your cutlery. You'll be waking up to cold bedsheets and pillows, startling morning lights mocking your loneliness. You’ll be sitting in the dark, wondering how long until you can feel warm again.

You should probably hate him right now. He made up some stories instead of telling you the truth, disappearing to accomplish his conjugal duties. You wonder if he even plans on telling you. He would have to one day or another since the desired endgame here is to have a baby. He couldn’t hide a pregnancy from you; their public status might not be equal to a celebrity, but an heir officializing the merge of Seokjin’s and Hana’s family businesses would be worth a mention in an economic magazine somewhere, which would ultimately come back to you.

An heir.

Something you could never give him.

How can your relationship possibly get past this? How would it even work? Knowing Jin, knowing his gentle and nurturing nature, he wouldn’t be able to stay away from his child. And you would never ask that of him. How could you ask him to be an absent father to his child, knowing how much Jin suffered from it.

So what does that make you both, what does that mean for you? More of this? More of loneliness? More of everything you hate? You’d have to stay here, alone, hidden away. He would come to see you occasionally, maybe not even stay the night. You’d have stolen moments with him, nothing more.

The idea scares you, freezes you over. There’s tears wetting your cheeks, so many of them, and you’re just letting them escape freely. You have months of repressed emotions raging to get out, making you sob and hick up uncontrollably. You feel like screaming, like ripping your hair out, anything to calm the burning sensation in your guts.

You do none of those. Instead, you pass out on the couch from exhaustion, feeling completely and utterly empty.

There’s an omnipresent silence in the room, heavy and deafening, making your ears ring.

Its tendrils are slowly getting longer, sucking all the air out and invading every corner of the room, leaving you breathless, gasping.

You look down at your glass of wine, its ashy color reflecting the taste it left in the back of your throat. You swirl it around, but the glass turns to dust in your hand, escaping your hold.

You look at the man facing you. There’s a vicious smile stretching your lips, barely concealing the depth of your cruel viciousness. You want to hurt him.

Sitting on the other side of the dining table, Seokjin is looking at you somewhat the same way. Except he’s not trying to conceal anything, he’s looking at you with pure unadulterated hatred.

The light streaming in from the windows is dull, mocking the memories that were made in this same room. They shift suddenly, the sky getting clouded, turning darker by the second until it’s as dark as the night. Seokjin is now just a shadow, sitting on the other side of the table, yet far away. The temperature drops, the air turning so frigid your breath is coming out foggy.

Silence can be scarier than any monster. It’s always hungry for more.

You wake up gasping, choking on nothing, only the silence surrounding you. Except something woke you up, pulled you out of your nightmare.

There’s a banging at the door.

You look at the time, your eyes puffy from crying yourself to sleep.

It’s a little after 1:00 am, and if you don’t stop this racket you’ll hear from a very angry neighbor tomorrow.

You make a beeline to the door, your heart pounding from the residue of your dream and the abrupt awakening.

You rip the door open, not even bothering to check through the peephole first, scared another series of banging is coming.

Jin is barely standing, resting his weight on the door frame, face shadowed by his hair.

He reeks of alcohol, eyes half open and wet looking.

His face twists in pain at the sight of you, and his body dangerously dips forward before you react and catch him, helping him stand. You spy his keys on the floor, probably where he dropped them after trying to unlock the door in his intoxicated state.

“Hey…” You say, walking him inside and to the couch, carrying most of his weight as he tries with uncoordinated arms to hug you to him.

He’s letting out a litany of slurred words, suspiciously sounding like apologies.

You deposit him on the couch, before walking back to the door, grabbing the keys from the floor before shutting and locking it. You pass by the kitchen to pour him a glass of water, and then you make your way back to him.

He’s already asleep, body slumped forward. You shake him awake, needing to make sure he drinks at least a cup before you let him drift off.

“Here.” You say, and you help him drink.

He manages to finish the cup with your help, and you put it away on the living room table.

You expect him to go back straight to sleep, but instead, he flails around until he has your face in between his hands, unfocused eyes searching yours.

He slurs some words, and you can barely make out anything he’s saying, but you catch “Sorry” and “I love you” and “children” and “Hana”, so you can easily deduct what this is about. You shush him. Now was not the time to talk about any of this.

You help him out of his jacket, belt and shoes, to make his night more comfortable. You’re playing with the idea of leaving him the couch, going to your bedroom, but he grabs your arm loosely, leveling pleading eyes at you.

“Do you feel nauseous?” You ask in one last half-hearted attempt.

He shakes his head, so you wait until he lays down and then you join him, arranging both your bodies so you can fit comfortably.

He’s out like a leaf, already snoring softly by the time you’re done shifting around. You take advantage of this moment to steal a good look at his face.

Now that it’s quiet again, you find yourself thinking back about your nightmare. The man in your nightmare held hatred for you. It was transpiring from every pore of his body, and so was it from yours.

You know Jin, you know him by heart. But the person sitting on the other end of that table was a stranger.

You shiver at the thought, at the suffocating feeling that was surrounding you, in that dark kitchen, with the scariest monster hanging over both your heads. The feeling that was coursing through you, so opposite from what you feel for him, yet so similar.

You focus on Jin to try and change your mind, but something jumps out to you.

Jin, who’s always ever showered in the morning, has freshly cleaned hair. If you focus, underneath the stench of alcohol, there’s the clean scent of body wash, the one he always uses when he needs to sleepover at their house.

The realization grips you then, that tonight was probably night number one of their attempt at a child.

That Jin hated it so much that he showered, got plastered, and made his way back home. To you.

And you hate it. Hate this fucked up situation. Hate him a little, too.

And it hurts. It hurts so much, thinking about the hurt you’re about to make him go through. How the decision you’ve just reached is going to make him suffer.

But you just know that your dream, it’s a warning. You can feel it in your bones. This situation is not something you can ignore until it goes away, and trying to work around it will only drive you both crazy. Drive you to hate.

The love you have for each other is strong and fierce and so alive, but you’ve heard what they say about love and hate.

The line is so thin between the two, and you’re too scared to find out how a love like yours would change into hate. How deep it would run, and how much it would twist you and the man you love. You’ve witnessed it in your dream, like your subconscious felt the need to point it out.

So you’ve reached a conclusion.

But for now, you hug Jin closer to your body, enjoying his body heat as much as you can. You don’t know how many times you’ll get to do that, a silent clock ticking in the back of your mind.

With every tick, the silence grows louder, and your bones get colder.

#magicshopnet #bangtanarmynet #btswriterscollective #ficswithluv #armysource #bangtanscenery #bangtanhq #angst #seokjin #outro : tear the angst now told

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