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sole-soul-sold · 2 years

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January 17, 2022

You know what would suck?

Losing the ability to express.

Losing the ability to write, to string words into sentences.

Losing the ability to dance, to make music with my feet.

I’m honest in what I write and I’m honest in the way my body moves. Somehow, I can’t get myself to relay the same honesty, or candidness into conversations or even voice them out as monologues. Maybe, I am afraid that people would listen for once, and decipher all the cryptic metaphors I use when I’m being evasive. I’m scared shitless at the thought someone figuring me out entirely. That sort of vulnerability petrifies me. Don’t get me wrong though, I’m amazing at conversations when I want to be. I know what people want to hear and I give them that. I’m a people pleaser, but boy is it exhausting. There are also my "Satan’s spawns" moments of inflicting life changing bouts of disappointment on people. And I swear, more often than not, with a specific set of people, it’s so goddamn amusing.

I’m in the middle of a biology lecture right now. Online. Earlier during this lecture, I finished reading a novel that I had started reading yesterday, during the same lecture. And this is a class I like. I’m making the first entry to my blog in MONTHS at this time, and I don’t even feel guilty about it. I took a gap year after high school to prepare for pre med entrance exams and all I’ve done in the past month and a half is read a truck load of rom coms. ROM COMS! My head has been such a mess, I don’t even know why I’m doing what I’m doing half the time. My movements are mechanized, robotic even. I have no control over my thumbs when they’re clicking on icons and scrolling through PDFs, for hours without sleep. I’d be in a college if I had read through my curriculum that religiously. Seriously though, I should quit moping around for things I did or rather did not do in the past. I should really start studying, huh?

Don’t answer that.

I mean I realize that I need to grow up. I’m 18 and my own person. Well, at least I’m trying to be my own person. I have one other draft saved on Tumblr. It’s from 31st January, 2021. I was supposed to write an exam the next morning, one that I hadn't moved a sinew to prepare for. I was having one of my late night introspection sessions and I wrote about how I need to get my shit together because it was high time. Fast forward one year, I’m lying down on a rug, headphones on, for the lectures I’m supposed to be attending, I’m writing about how I need to get my shit together. SEE? I haven’t made any progress in a year. It wasn’t even an insignificant year. A lot went down. A LOT. The lot, I’m not going to bore you with. But you get the idea, right? I need to make a lot of amends. I need to work out a study- sleep schedule. I have the most bizarre sleep cycles. I need to get on a proper dietary routine. Doughnuts can keep me alive only for so long. I need to exercise more. I need to get out more. And most of all, I need to write more.

You see, writing and dancing are my ways of letting go. Now, I'm too conscious of my body to have someone watch me dance. And I try writing anonymously so I don't have to care about who reads what I write. It plays out well.

I used to have this person. One of those people who are very dear to me, who I used to tell almost everything. We aren't friends though. It's weird honestly. I spoke to them more than I spoke to my parents. But we grew apart over the last few months. I think they moved away or went on an extended vacation. I'm not sure. It's been a nightmare and I have needed a release since then. Bottling up isn't healthy. I'm sure you know that. Talking to them was my therapy. It was refreshing. And I'm hoping it was so for them too, but it's not happening anymore. SO, I've decided to write again. Dutifully this time. I might not do it everyday or every week, but I'll do it every time I need a breather. I'll write every time I'm overwhelmed. I'll write every time I feel heavy in my shoulders. I have no idea how I'll make that happen or how I'll be able to pen down honest emotions that frequently but I'll try my best.

I have a feeling I'm overdoing this post. Like, who cares what's going on in my life? Why bother reading 6 paragraphs when you don't even know me?! BUT, I'll continue nevertheless.

I marvel at the randomness of all that I write. I have trouble keeping to the same topic for more than a few lines. It’s not necessarily a good thing, but bear with me? The times that I get myself to write, as of now, are scarce. But, when I do write or type, ideas flow too fast for me to jot each of them down in a legible order and acceptable grammar. I'm seriously considering starting a blog. A personal blog. It seems like a lot of work right now, but I'm looking forward to putting time into it, no matter how long it takes. I made half a website a couple years ago. I liked it. It had a nice theme to it. It satisfied a 16 year old girl, until a PMS tantrum made her delete it. That's a funny story. I'll keep it to myself for now.

Anyhow, (I promise I'll end this soon), I just wanted to tell you what made me want to write something again. Specifically something that I know people would read. I mentioned earlier that I spent the last day reading a novel. Well, the lead lost their best friend in an accident and it broke them. And it broke me. I realised that if I had lost someone as important in my life and if I had stopped expressing altogether, or maybe forgotten how I could express myself, it would be devastating; for me and the people who care about me. Imagine having a friend who refuses to give you a part of themselves in their deepest, darkest phases. Imagine having a friend who's going through a hard time, needs all the help they can get but refuses to accept any. Or imagine having a friend who needs help but doesn't know how to ask for it. It made me want to write, because I thought that maybe, bits and pieces of what I've written stays around long enough so that people have something to remember me by, or understand my view point better. This should help, right? This should be good, right?

Take care y'all. I'm ending my writing hiatus today and I'll make the best of it in the future. So see you in the future, on this platform or another.

#introspection #blog #new #resolution #random #anything #kuchhbhi #more #literature #everything #friends #self help

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detroitbydark · 4 years

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Crossed Connections: Part 7

Pairing: Tech x Togruta!Reader, Wrecker/OC

Characters: The Bad Batch, Ik'aad (Reader)

Warnings: None

Summary: Someone’s in for a bigger surprise than expected

A/N: So this was supposed to be the basorexia prompt and I failed. I'll be giving that one a shot again in the not so distant future. Also, would y'all like these two to finally heat things up a bit? I know I would.

Previous Parts and Extended Universe can be found here

It's been too long and I've got to apologize. It's been a lot adjusting to the new base but I feel like I'm finally getting my footing. I've taken your advice. I've been working on making friends. I feel like it's going well for the most part. Some are a little standoffish but it's nothing I can't overcome, right?

In other news, I did a thing. I think you'll be surprised! You like surprises right? So....anyway...I passed my FAS test!. You know how hard I’ve been studying? Honestly, I was scared. I really could have used a study buddy but this really nice guy I know gave me some extra study materials and they were perfect. Now all I have to do is brush up at the range and I'm good to go! Can you believe that? It's like a dream!

While I'm on the subject of dreams... I've been thinking about you. Well, you and me. Us? I guess what I'm trying to say is I think I deserve a reward for all my hardwork and I really want to see you. Please? Pretty please?

I know I won't have leave for a while but my new roommate has a holoprojector and maybe we could just do that? I don't want to push but I've been so patient and...

You know what? Nevermind. I don't want to push. Just write back soon, ok?

Yours,

Grutababy.

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It’s hard to look at her sometimes Tech thinks as he, again, reads her latest message spread through his visor. It's a rambling note that makes his heart squeeze tight and his eyes dart to his left guiltily after each line. Now that he knows her he can hear her voice, how she emphasized certain words, how her smile dazzled when she turned in on him full force.

Yeah, it's hard to look at her when she does that.

It's even harder not too when she's sitting just feet from him, ribbing at Crosshair who is attempting and failing to hide his amusement.

“So exactly how far away would I have to get before you couldn’t peg me with this fork?” She asks holding up the utensil.

Wrecker chokes out a laugh, “Please, Ik’aad. Don’t ever say that again.”

“Say what?” Her brows knit together in soft confusion.

I want to see you. Please?

“Shut up, Wrecker.” The sniper growls as he himself bites off a laugh. Ik’aad shoots a worried look between the pair, pulling her lower lip between her teeth and worrying it in a way Tech finds incredibly distracting.

“Don’t act like you weren’t thinking-“

I've been thinking about you

“Could one of you explain what’s so funny?” She asks, exacerbation creeping into her voice as she sets her mug down. Caf sloshes against the sides of it.

“It’s nothing Ik’aad” Crosshair tries to sooth her. He’s shit at it. Regardless she bites back a shy smile.

Tech wonders when their sniper had started thawing to the medic. He’d watched the other day as he’d walked a few steps behind her from the mess back to the med bay with Echo. He’d seen the sharp looks he’d given to the few Regs who’d given their little medic appreciative looks and how his hand had hovered over his blaster in threat. Tech wondered how much of it had to do with the his request to tag his mystery woman a week prior.

“How did your test go?” Crosshair asks changing the topic with a practiced nonchalance.

I passed my FAS test! I think I deserve a reward. You know how hard I’ve been studying!

Any residual confusion falls away and her face lights up. She's radiant and Tech has to bite his tongue from telling her as much.

“Passed with flying colors.” Her chest puffs with pride as his vode make a big show of it. Hunter gives her a soft congratulations.

Crosshair pats her back and mentions something about letting her get her hands on Sweetie.

Wrecker wraps a meaty arm around her shoulders and pulls her tight. The tiny Togruta leans into his embrace happily. Than they all look at Tech, his vode with knowing looks and Y/N with a bright smile.

Some are a little standoffish but it's nothing I can't overcome, right?

He hates it when she does that. Well- hate isn’t exactly the correct word. He would pay his entire monthly stipend to get lost in those pale blues. Like a cloudless sky on Yavin-4 they’re bright and hopeful and- they’re everything .

And he is still just Tech.

Why did who he was bother him? He hasn't felt like this since Kamino, not since he'd found his vode and his place in the world. Maybe with Ik'aad he didn't know where he fit. With his brothers he knew where he stood. He had purpose. He was the problem solver, the one that thought outside the box to make sure the mission was a success. Ik'aad wasn't a mission. He didn't need to fix her. She was perfect just the way she was and-

“Tech gave me the study guide.” She explains not looking away from him. He'd gotten too caught up in his own thoughts. He flips his visor up. It would be rude not too and he can see Hunter giving him a look. He swallows his nerves and offers a half smile she’ll never see through his helmet.

“It was nothing.” He brushes it off.

I really could have used a study buddy but this really nice guy I know gave me some extra study materials and they were perfect.

All eyes are on him. Wrecker leans forward like he’s waiting for the younger clone to say something else, anything.

“Congratulations.”

He watches her wait for a few beats. She wants him to say something more and he lets her down by flipping his visor down and turning back to the letter she'd sent him.

Like a coward.

He’ll lay in his rack later, when everyone else is asleep and replay this. He’ll rewrite the script and this time he’ll be smooth and say the right things. Be the right guy. He won't make the mistake a second time. Next time he will seize the day..

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Hey Sweetheart. Let me start by saying how proud of you I am. I knew you could do it. You're ability to adapt and thrive has always amazed me. You're truly so much more than meets the eye. I've put much thought into your proposition. I also have access to a holoprojector and I would love to see you too. There's so many things I need to tell you. There are things you need to know about me. I look forward to hearing from you with bated breath.

Sincerely,

Tech-vod

Taglist: @skdubbs @my-own-oracle @underworldqueen13 @obiorbenkenobi @daniellajocelyn @cxptain-rex @imahardcase @lady-tano

#crossed connections #the bad batch #Tech/Reader #TCW #Tech x Reader

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