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phantasticworks · 4 years

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If You Don’t Love Me, Pretend - Chapter Nineteen

Four months without uploading she comes back with a new chapter! Thank you so much for your patience i love you guys! I don’t know that I’ll be going back to my previous weekly posting schedule with everything going on in my life right now, but I hope this can tide you guys over until I can finish the story!

read on ao3

Words: 11.5k

Summary: Dan and Phil have some talks about parenting and make plans.

Warnings for this chapter: swearing and a disgusting amount of fluff

It's a few days later when Dan finds himself in his office at school, looking over the schedule change requests that he's received over the past week. He's just added another to the pile of finished requests when his work phone starts trilling on the desk by his elbow.

“Hello, you’ve reached the office of Daniel Howell at Queensbury Secondary School, how can I-”

“Dan, it’s me,” Phil’s voice interrupts him. “Is this a- a bad time?”

"Oh! Sorry, yes- I mean no, it’s a fine time. A great time. I’m just going through some forms. What’s up? Is everything okay?”

"Yeah, everything's fine." Phil clears his throat and there's a pause that Dan doesn't know what to make of. "I’ve been meaning to ask you something."

Dan feels the tendrils of anxiety gripping at his chest now. "Okay," he says slowly, setting his papers down in front of him. "What is it?"

Phil doesn't waste any time. "Well- okay, I don’t particularly want to go, but I know you’re interested in everything that goes on with mental health charities and you told me about the thing you wanted to do at the school, and I think that’s really cool and maybe this will give you a chance to network with people already involved and-”

Dan can’t help but laugh at the rambling words, tripping over themselves in their haste. “Spit it out, bub, what’s your question?”

Phil takes a shaky breath. “So, the BBC is doing a fundraising event for a mental health charity. I wanted to know if you'd like to attend with me." His words are quick and short, like the request is a time bomb and he’ll explode if he doesn’t get it all out at once.

It takes Dan a moment to process the request, and when he does, a stupid part of his brain wants to ask for clarification on the nature of this joint outing. But he's not about to ask Phil if it's a date because that would be both ridiculous and mortifying, and besides, he already knows with his rational brain that it isn't. "When is it?" he asks instead.

"It's next Friday, a week from today."

Dan is opening his calendar as Phil speaks, checking to see if they have any prior events scheduled. They don't, which isn't too strange for a Friday night. He chews on his lip as he considers the offer. He's really interested in mental health charities and it would be great to get some more information about how they work and network with some of the people who actually work there. He's been trying to get the school board to approve a mental health support group for the secondary school for over a year, something only Phil and Louise are aware of. This would be perfect. The only thing holding him back...

"You know we'd have to deal with your nosy coworkers the whole night? And it'll be different being couple-y around other adults," Dan informs him. "I'm not saying I don't want to go, but..."

"I don't care. I think we can handle it, and I honestly don't care what they think about how we're acting or aren't acting." Phil's voice is firm and sure, and Dan wonders if he expected Dan to object for this very reason. "I want you there with me, if you want to be."

Dan smiles down at his desk at this. "Okay."

"You'll go?" Phil sounds mildly surprised, but overall very pleased.

"Yeah. I'd love to go with you."

Phil lets out what sounds like a relieved breath. "Okay. Perfect."

"I'd say see you then, but we live together," Dan jokes. He grins when he hears Phil snort.

"Bye, Dan. I'll see you at home later. Drive safe."

"Bye, Phil."

~~~

It's not until Dan gets home that evening that he realizes that in order for them to go out for an evening by themselves, they'll have to find someone to babysit the kids. It's a strange thought, suddenly. They hadn't really had a situation yet where neither of them could watch the kids, and it was strange to think that he was at the point in his life where he needed to enlist the help of another adult outside of his family to watch his children. He wasn't sure how he felt about it.

After sending all three of the kids off to do their homework, Dan makes his way to the kitchen to sort out their dinner plans for the evening. He's perusing their selection in the pantry when he hears the front door click shut. Rather than go to meet Phil at the door, Dan makes the executive decision to have pasta for dinner, moving over to the fridge to make sure they have everything they need.

"Hey," Phil greets from behind him.

Dan glances over, smiling at him. "Hi. Good day at work?"

Phil shrugs, dropping his jacket on the back of a chair haphazardly before coming to rifle through the cabinet next to Dan. "It was alright, yeah. How was yours?"

"Just another day. Nothing that exciting, I guess." He closes the fridge without looking inside, turning to rest his palm against the counter beside it as he studies Phil. "So, we need to find someone to watch the kids on Friday."

It takes Phil a few more minutes of rummaging through the shelves before he glances at Dan. "Alright. I can ask Martyn if he's busy?"

Dan nods. "That's fine. If he can't, we can find someone else” Dan snorts then, a thought occurring. “Honestly, it’s an hour from here to Reading, Mum could come babysit if we really needed her to."

"Sure." Phil turns to face him with a smile, revealing a little bag of mini marshmallows. He stares Dan dead in the eyes as he rips it open and pops a handful of the colorful treats into his mouth.

Dan quirks a brow, crossing his arms. "You insolent shit, you're spoiling your dinner," he chastises, chewing on the corner of his lip to hide his smile.

Phil shrugs as his hand sneaks back up to his mouth. "Want some?" He offers.

Rolling his eyes, Dan lets out a huff. "You're a child," he says, hauling himself to sit up on the counter as he holds a hand out. "Give me some pink ones, they're the best."

The sheepish grin that lights up Phil's face is definitely worth spoiling his appetite. He steps between Dan’s legs and carefully pours out a small handful of marshmallow treats into Dan's palm, and then proceeds to pick out the white and blue ones for himself. Dan's chest is flooded with warmth as he watches the childlike glee on his best friend's face. It's immensely precious, a secret thought he holds close to his heart.

"I don't think they actually taste any different," Phil's saying. Dan barely hears him. "I'm pretty sure they all just taste of marshmallows. Like, vanilla, or whatever it is that marshmallows taste of."

“Mhm,” Dan hums, the pink marshmallow dust sweet on his lips as he enjoys his coveted snack.

~~~

"Could you pause your game, guys? We wanted to have a chat with you about something," Dan says. He and Phil had agreed that they needed to go ahead and tell the kids about their plans to leave them with a sitter for an evening, so they could go ahead and get used to the idea now. So, after finishing their covert snack, they'd gone upstairs where the twins were deep in a Mario Kart race, Levi coaching them both from the armchair.

At Dan's words, the three of them exchange a series of panicked looks. He'd nearly laugh if his heart didn't break at how the connotation of a "talk" has truly traumatized them forever.

"Everything’s fine, we promise," Phil prefaces, moving to sit on the sofa closest to the stairs. Dan follows, perching on the arm beside him. Almost without thinking, Phil drapes his arm over Dan's thighs, while Dan's arm falls to Phil's shoulder.

"Okay..." Levi says. Jaiden pauses the game and drops the joy-con, turning to face Dan and Phil completely. "Are we in trouble?" He asks.

Dan tilts his head to the side, smiling. "Have you done something to be in trouble for?"

Levi looks confused but shakes his head. "I don't think so?" He sounds unsure.

Phil nudges Dan's stomach with his elbow, gently digging into his skin. "You're not in trouble, bub, no. But, we just wanted to tell you guys that a week from today, Dan and I have an event to attend. So, we'll be finding a sitter to come stay with you that evening."

Amelia immediately perks up. "Can it be Miss Louise?" She asks excitedly.

Smirking, Dan shares a look with Phil. "We'll see. We might ask Phil's brother Martyn and his wife Cornelia to do it, but if they can't, we'll see if Louise will."

She doesn't look particularly happy about it, but Amelia nods in understanding. Jaiden doesn't seem too bothered either way, his hands twitching towards the joy-con as he clearly waits for them to say that was all.

Glancing at Levi, Dan can tell immediately that they're not all on board with the idea. "Levi? Would you be alright with that? It would only be for a few hours."

Levi shrugs, then shakes his head. "Why can't I watch them?" He asks, gesturing vaguely to his siblings. "I'm fifteen, I could stay here and take care of them."

Dan shares a look with Phil. They hadn't considered this. But, knowing each other as long as they have, their mental-symbiosis gives Dan the idea that maybe it wouldn't be the best idea, or at least they needed to discuss it in more detail first.

"We'd prefer to have someone else be here with you," Phil says carefully. "If there’s an emergency or something, we think it'd be best to have an adult here."

Levi shrugs, staring down at his feet and saying nothing.

“But, we’ll consider it, yeah?” Dan adds, sending Phil an imploring look. The older man shrugs, but nods. “Just give us some time to talk about it before we make a decision.”

“Okay,” Levi answers.

Dan moves his arm to pat Phil’s chest. “Let’s go start dinner.”

Phil nods, allowing Dan to drag him from the sofa and off towards the stairs. Dan’s mind is already building a pros and cons list for Levi’s request, so it’s not until they’re already downstairs that he realizes he and Phil are still holding hands. A little embarrassed, Dan releases his grip, mumbling something about starting some pasta.

"So, do you reckon we really ought to consider letting Levi stay here alone with them?" Phil asks quietly, moving to pull two wine glasses from their cupboard.

Humming, Dan pulls a box of pasta from the pantry, looking for a jar of pasta sauce and huffing when he can't find it. "I think we owe it to him to at least have a conversation about it, yeah."

A contemplative silence settles over the kitchen, punctuated by the sound of Phil pouring wine into the glasses. Dan finally spots the jar of sauce, hiding behind a box of crackers. He sets it beside the pasta before moving to the other side of Phil to rummage through the cupboard for a sauce pan.

"Honestly... As long as he keeps his phone on him, and checks in with us fairly often throughout the night... I wouldn't mind him watching them."

Dan's head snaps up at this, and he stares at Phil in surprise. He hadn't expected Phil to actually be on board with the idea. He tries to school his expression into something more neutral as he fills the pan with water and sets it on the stove, clearing his throat before speaking. "Yeah? It doesn't bother you?"

Phil hands him a glass of wine, shrugging. "Not really. I trust him to be responsible. I mean, we let him stay home from school by himself and he was fine."

Dan chews his lip as he stares at the water. He's not sure how to voice his opinion on this without sounding like he doesn't also think it's probably a good idea. "This is different, though," he says gently, blinking up at Phil. "We'd be holding him accountable for two children."

"I mean, yeah. But, I think he loves them enough that he'd keep them safe and be responsible with them." Phil pauses then, a flicker of uncertainty in his eyes. "Are you... Do you think maybe we shouldn't let him?"

Taking a sip of the wine, Dan waves a hand dismissively. "That's not it," he says after he's swallowed. "I actually don't think it's a bad idea, I just... I don't know, I just didn't expect you to be so on board with it." He tries not to sound accusing. It's not an accusation.

Phil shrugs, scratching a fingernail against the counter absently. "Am I usually that strict?" He sounds sad, or maybe nervous.

Dan smiles softly. Reaching out, he tugs on the pocket of Phil's hoodie, dragging him closer and resting his head on Phil's shoulder. "Not exactly. Sometimes you're just more cautious about them than I am. You think through the situations more than I do, so sometimes you're a little more reserved about these kinds of things."

There's a soft huff of laughter that ruffles through Dan's curls. "I guess you're right," Phil agrees. He kisses Dan's hairline before gently shrugging him off, moving to grab the pasta to pour it into the boiling water. "So... Have we decided we're okay with letting him stay here with them?"

"I think so, yeah. If you're okay with it." Dan watches him pour the pasta in, reaching for the drawer to hand him a spoon when Phil needs it.

"I am. We'll talk to him after dinner, yeah?"

Dan nods. "Sure."

Phil steps back into his space and wordlessly pulls Dan against his chest again. Dan tucks his hands into Phil's hoodie pocket and hooks his chin over Phil's broad shoulder. Phil wraps his arms around Dan's shoulders and sighs. "You need a haircut," he whispers.

With a snort, Dan tilts his head and bites at a lock of Phil's hair. "So do you, mate."

"Can you call for a hair appointment tomorrow?" Phil requests, his voice a little timid.

Dan can't help but smile at this. Phil's grown his confidence over the years they've known each other, but there were lots of times after first settling into their friendship that he would ask Dan to make calls for him, always claiming he was too forgetful or lazy to do it himself. It took a couple years for Dan to understand the real reason.

"Phil? You alright?" Dan had asked through the bathroom door. Phil had been retching on the other side for close to five minutes now, and Dan was panicking, completely out of his element here. He was barely twenty, he didn't know how to really take care of anyone when they're ill, not like this.

"I'm fine," Phil had called weakly.

"You sound kind of… not fine," Dan had countered, trying for gentle.

It had taken a little while, but eventually Phil caved. "Could you call my mum?"

"Er- yeah? What- why do you need to speak to your mum?" Dan had been completely confused by then. Phil was a massive mumma's boy, but in the year or so they'd properly lived together, Dan had never known him to call her while he was ill.

"I just- please, Dan." Phil had sounded so pitiful, but Dan was more worried now than before.

"Can you let me in, Phil?" Dan had asked softly.

Phil did, but he did not seem pleased by it. He looked everywhere but at Dan, settling back against the tiled floor of the bathroom and closing his eyes weakly. "I need mum to call in a prescription for me."

Dan's brows had crinkled in confusion. "For what?" Before Phil could answer, Dan had remembered Phil mentioning his terrible migraines, and vaguely remembered him coming home with a little white paper bag from the pharmacy. "Your migraines?"

Phil nodded mutely.

“I can call it in. Where's your phone?"

Phil had barely had the energy to look surprised, but after Dan found the phone and called the prescription in, he went about making Phil some soup and doing his best to take care of him as well as he could, with his limited knowledge. Later that evening, with Buffy playing in the background, Phil had quietly told Dan that he had sometimes found it extremely difficult to do phone calls or things like that. “I know it’s stupid and- and everyone else thinks it’s easy, but it honestly just makes me feel so bad that I’d rather just. Not."

"I wish you would have told me," Dan had mumbled. "I can make calls for you. It doesn't bother me."

Many years later, though, and now Dan understands the extent of Phil's social anxiety better than he did back then. Phil does as well, which makes it a bit easier for him to try and get a grip on it, but still, he sometimes struggles. But Dan's always there to help when that happens, and he can't imagine there ever being a time when he isn't.

"Sure. We probably need to get Levi and Jai's done while we're at it." Dan laughs a little before adding, "I reckon we should see if Mia would like a trim, too. God knows that child can't stand to be left out." He smiles against Phil's shoulder when he hears him giggle.

"She really can't, can she?" He muses, his fingers playing idly with the ends of Dan's hair.

"Mm," Dan hums in vague agreement. He sighs before pulling out of Phil's grip to stir the pasta. He pouts when Phil fully steps away, grabbing his glass of wine and taking a large sip. Dan's about to tease him when he hears the unmistakable sound of the twins thundering down the stairs. He rolls his eyes as Phil huffs, clearly slightly agitated at their inability to remember that they shouldn't run inside. "Is it really even worth it to keep chastising them about it?" Dan asks, sipping his own wine.

Phil snorts. "It's the principle of the thing, Daniel."

Still, when the twins burst into the kitchen, Phil doesn't say a word. Dan smirks at him, but Phil pretends he doesn't notice.

"What's for dinner?" Amelia asks, tapping her hands in an off-beat rhythm on the table.

"Spaghetti," Dan tells her, glancing over his shoulder and finding Jaiden staring out the balcony door, probably at his pigeons. He turns to look at Phil, gesturing to their son. "Will you help him with the birds? It's been a few days since we've put seed out."

Phil nods, and Dan focuses on checking to see if the pasta's done. He hears Phil grabbing the bag of bird seed, instructing the twins out the door and onto the balcony. They're gone for several minutes, and when they come back in, Dan glances over at them with a small smile.

"I don't know, Jai-bird. I can't really tell if the birds are girls or boys, but you can name them whatever you want anyway," Phil is saying.

Jaiden seems to consider this. "Could I just name all the fat ones Behemoth?"

Dan snorts.

"Uh, sure, bubby. Whatever you want." Phil sends Dan a baffled look, and Dan only shrugs, grinning.

Amelia and Jaiden settle at the table, arguing over pigeon names, while Phil returns back to the stove, rolling his eyes. Dan smirks, poking Phil in the stomach gently. "Did you find one thicc bird?"

Phil wrinkles his nose delicately. "Ew. Don't say that."

Dan giggles helplessly, stepping away when Phil gestures to the pasta, obviously intending on draining it. He gets as far as the sink, but as soon as he sets the pan down in order to grab the strainer, a little wave of water splashes over the side and onto his hand. "Shit!" he squeals, his eyes flying wide immediately after, glancing between the twins and Dan in a panic.

Amelia gasps. "You said a Daddy word!" She shouts gleefully.

Ducking forward, Dan quickly takes the pan away and turns the cool water on, taking Phil's injured hand and sticking it under the stream. He prays Phil's too stunned to register what she said.

"I'm sorry, I- wait, what?" Phil's head snaps to the side and he glares at Dan.

Well, shit.

"A Daddy word," Amelia repeats, pointing at Dan, as if naming him isn't enough condemnation for her. Dan sends her a dirty look. She just giggles.

"Daniel," Phil starts, enunciating carefully to be heard over the sound of the faucet. "Have you been swearing in front of our children?"

"No!" Dan protests. Phil quirks a disbelieving brow at that. "Okay, well, maybe. But not on purpose! And it was only once," Dan amends.

"Nuh-uh," Amelia argues from the table. "It was twice!"

Dan shoots her a pleading look. "Amelia! Whose side are you even on?"

She hides her laughter behind her hand. "Sorry!" She most certainly does not sound like she means it.

"Hm," Phil hums, sounding unimpressed. "Someone's sleeping on the sofa," he decides.

Dan knows he's kidding, but he plays along, wrapping his arms around Phil and whining. "But... Philll."

"Nope. Shut it, you." Phil tries to keep a straight face as he strains the pasta and returns it to the pan.

Dan releases him long enough for him to get it back to the stove and pour in the sauce, and then he's right back behind him, his arms wrapped around Phil's waist as he nuzzles against Phil's back. "Phil," he starts, voice saccharine sweet. "It's really just a misunderstanding, you know."

"I fail to see how," Phil quips.

Pressing a trail of kisses across Phil's shoulder blades, Dan hums. "I didn't mean to. If I did, in fact, swear in front of them, I assure you it was just an accident. Hypothetically"

Phil seems unconvinced. Dan gently bites at his shoulder. "Yeah, alright. But no more swearing in front of them or we're doing a swear jar."

Dan smiles, kissing the spot he bit. Phil shivers. Dan smirks.

"And," Phil adds, his voice just a touch louder. "You have to make me coffee in the morning. And take the bins out."

At this, Dan scoffs, pulling away enough that Phil can turn around to face him. "No way," Dan argues. "It's your turn to do bins!"

Phil is unwavering, giving Dan a smug smile as he holds up his burnt hand. "I'm injured, babe. Out of commission."

Dan glares. Holding eye contact, he leans toward Phil's hand, nipping gently at the side of Phil's hand.

"Ow," Phil says, with absolutely no conviction.

"That's what I think of you blackmailing me like this," Dan informs him, resigned to his fate.

Phil uses his hand, still just a breath away from Dan's face, to pull Dan's face closer so he can press a kiss to his cheek. Amelia and Jaiden make synced gagging noises behind them. "Thank you in advance for taking out the bins, darling."

"Shut up."

~~~

After they’ve all sat down for dinner, Dan clears his throat. “Levi, we talked about next Friday,” he begins.

Levi puts his glass down and turns to face him, his gaze darting back and forth between him and Phil. “And?”

Dan can’t help but laugh at his impatience. “You can stay here and watch them. But, you have to keep your phone on you, so we can check on you guys every hour or so, okay?”

“Sure,” Levi agrees, nodding. “How long will you guys be gone?”

Phil shrugs when Dan glances at him for the answer. "The event starts at seven, so probably no later than eleven, maybe earlier. Will you be alright here?"

Levi's eyes twitch into a roll but refocus when he probably realizes they're both watching him. "Yeah. I mean, they'll basically just be asleep after you guys leave."

"Right," Dan nods. He feels slightly more comfortable knowing that. "We'll make dinner or order takeout or whatever before we leave, and then you guys can do whatever after that." He glances over at the twins then, who have been mostly quiet, probably only passively listening. "But, you two still have to listen to your brother, okay?"

Amelia glances up at this. She smiles brightly and nods. Jaiden blinks, but then shrugs, which Dan figures is probably the best agreement he'll get from him. "What if he makes us go to bed early?" Jaiden asks, sparing a peek over at his older brother, who's rolling his eyes.

"Well, your bedtime is nine on weekends. So, you still have to go to bed at nine," Dan tells him.

Phil taps the table, causing both the twins to look up at him. He's got a mischievous look on his face. "Dan's right, bedtime is still nine on weekends. But we won't be here," he says this very slowly, enunciating every word. "So you have to listen to Levi when he tells you to go to bed..." He glances at Levi, grinning. "At nine."

Levi gets it first, smirking. "Right. Nine pm, sharp. Got it."

"Yep. Nine pm." Phil winks at Jaiden, and after a second, the boy seems to catch on, and his eyes widen with his grin.

"Okay!" He says gleefully.

Dan sighs. "Philip," he says, exasperated.

"Daniel," Phil replies on a sigh, his lips curled up in a smile.

"You can't just..." Dan starts, then stops. Phil quirks a brow, unbothered, but Dan decides this is one battle he can lose, as really the twins going to bed a little late isn't going to hurt anyone.

"What?" Phil asks, almost challenging.

"Nothing," Dan says, dropping his head to rest on his hand. "Nothing at all."

Phil smiles at him, shaking his head before turning back to finish his dinner. "This might be a little premature," he announces after a second, taking a pause then. The kids turn to glance at him, all of them taking a pause from eating at the tone of his voice. If Dan had his phone on him, it would make a hilariously creepy photo.

"Well, go on, then," Dan prompts. "Don't leave us hanging."

With a barely-concealed grin, Phil sets his fork down, clasping his hands together and studying each of their faces carefully. "This might be a little premature," he repeats. "But who would like to start thinking about what's for dessert?"

~~~

Later that night, after all the kids are tucked in, Dan and Phil find themselves getting ready for bed together, going through their usual nightly routine with big yawns and shared smiles. Phil passes Dan his medication and Dan makes sure Phil removes his contacts, and when they’re finished in the bathroom, Dan leads the way to their bed. He yawns as he flicks off his lamp and crawls beneath the covers, blinking in the low light of the room.

“Are you staying up?” He asks once Phil’s settled on his side of the bed.

“Mm. No, I’m exhausted, actually,” Phil hums in response.

Dan gestures vaguely to the lamp still shining on Phil’s nightstand. “Mind turning that off?”

Phil is quiet as he rolls over and pulls the chain, sending the room into pitch darkness. Dan blinks quickly, forcing his eyes to readjust to the sound of Phil shifting around on the bed, trying to get comfy.

“Cuddle?” Phil asks, his hand rubbing up and down Dan’s arm.

Frowning a bit, Dan shakes his head sheepishly. “I’m not really in a cuddly mood tonight bub, sorry.”

“Oh,” Phil sounds surprised. “Okay, that’s fine.” He sounds like he means it.

Dan gently catches Phil’s hand as he retracts it, bringing his knuckles up to his lips for a gentle kiss. Phil lets out a soft sigh at the contact, and Dan smiles against his skin before releasing his hand.

They lay in silence for several moments before Phil speaks. “You’re not upset with me or anything, are you?” He asks, his voice unmistakably nervous.

“No, not at all,” Dan assures him. “I dunno, I’m just... feeling kinda sweaty, don’t really wanna be snuggled. I’m not mad at you.”

“Alright,” Phil replies. A few seconds pass before he says, “I reckon the kids are excited for Friday.”

Dan smiles. “Yeah, cause you had to go and basically tell Levi to let them stay up late. I’d be excited too,” he says teasingly.

Phil giggles. “Sorry about that. But I honestly think they’ll crash early anyway, just out of habit.”

Shrugging, Dan rolls to blink up at where the ceiling would be if it wasn’t too dark to see anything. “For Levi’s sake, I hope they do.” He chews his lip, his mind swirling with a couple thoughts he’s been considering the last few days. “Do you think maybe Levi is still uncomfortable living here?”

“Hm...” Phil considers it for a few minutes before he answers. “I think... maybe he’s having a harder time adjusting than the twins did.”

Dan nods, wincing when he accidentally chews through the skin on his lip, drawing a little blood. He smacks his lips against the metallic taste, nearly gagging as he tries to speak. “Maybe we should try to spend some more one-on-one time with him,” Dan suggests then.

“Maybe. We could go see a movie together or something? The twins could stay with my brother,” Phil offers.

“That might be nice. Do you think he’d even want to spend more time with us?”

Phil laughs at that. “I mean, honestly... if I was his age, I probably wouldn’t. I’d just want to have my own space and be left alone.”

Dan considers this for a while, and they’re both silent long enough that he wonders if Phil’s fallen asleep. The question is answered for him when Phil scoots closer and drops a kiss on Dan’s temple. “Don’t think too hard, love. We’ll figure something out.”

“Yeah,” Dan agrees passively. “We can maybe ask him about it tomorrow, see if there’s anything we can do to make him feel more at home or something. Do you reckon he’s just missing some of his old stuff?”

Phil yawns. “Maybe. Dunno what we’d do about that.”

Dan nods to himself before patting around until he finds Phil’s hand. He laces their fingers together before nudging at Phil’s shoulder, prompting him to roll over to face the door, allowing Dan to be the big spoon.

“Thought you didn’t want a snuggle,” Phil mumbles.

Dan shushes him. Phil snickers.

“Love you,” Dan murmurs against Phil’s hair a moment later, eyes drifting shut. He’s almost hoping Phil didn’t hear him, the words isolated and completely defenseless.

Phil releases Dan’s hand long enough to reach back and squeeze Dan’s hip gently in a fond gesture. “Love you too. Goodnight.”

~~~

There’s a tapping noise coming from either inside Dan’s skull, or perhaps the door. He realizes, somewhere in his soup brain, that it’s probably the door, but given he’s only slightly awake, he’s not completely positive. It stops and starts a few times, and eventually enough is enough.

They’d separated from their cuddle at some point and Phil is flopped out on his back, while Dan’s curled up on his side. Dan nudges Phil’s hip with his knee in an attempt to wake him. “Phil,” he mumbles. No response. “Phil.” Dan punctuates this with a sort of gentle kick to the shin

“Ow,” comes the mumbled response.

“Phil,” Dan whines, exasperated.

“Hm?”

“Door. Go see who’s at the door.”

Phil smacks his lips loudly in his nearly asleep state. “‘M asleep,” he rebuttals.

And really that leaves Dan only one choice.

“Dan!” Phil nearly screeches, flailing on the bed, suddenly blanket-less and exposed to the sharp chill of the room.

Dan hums innocently from where he’s confiscated all their covers. “Go. Door.”

“Why didn’t you get it?” Phil grumbles, even as he willingly climbs out of bed.

Snuggling down into the blankets, Dan sighs. “You were closer.”

Dan listens to Phil’s footsteps and then the sound of the door creaking open. His ears perk up like some weird superpower when he hears sniffling, followed by a tiny, “dad?”

“Oh, come here, Mia,” is Phil’s answering response. Dan imagines Phil wrapping her up in a hug then, and his heart is gripped with longing and fondness.

“I’m scared of the storm,” Amelia admits between shaky breaths.

“That’s okay,” Phil tells her kindly. “You can come sleep with us, baby. Come on.”

“It’s dark in here,” Amelia whispers as Phil leads her to the bed.

“Hold on, love.” There’s the feeling of the bed dipping, then the click of the lamp turning on. Dan scoots back on the bed to make room, holding out his arms with a tired smile, relinquishing some of his covers. Phil climbs back into bed behind her, pulling the blankets to cover himself as well.

“Night, babygirl,” Dan whispers to Amelia, dropping a kiss to the top of her head before letting his eyes drift shut once more.

His serenity lasts for only a few seconds before he feels something poke his chest. “Daddy?” Amelia whispers. “Are you asleep?”

Dan hums. “Mm. Not anymore,” he jokes.

It seems to go over Amelia’s head, as she replies with a quiet, “oh, sorry.”

Shaking his head, Dan brings her to his chest, checking that the blanket is tucked up evenly around her. “It’s okay, love. Are you warm enough?”

“Mhm,” she replies. “But daddy... I left my stuffy in my room.” She sounds positively devastated.

Dan, who had almost fallen back asleep in the time it took her to say that, tries to push out of the haze of sleep to think up a response. “Mm. Do you have to have it?”

“Yeah,” she whispers.

He sighs. “Alright.” Clearing his throat, he blinks over at his co-parent. “Phil. Babe, Mia left her plushy in her room and needs you to go grab it.”

Phil lets out an exasperated sigh. “Dan,” he states, calm but on the verge of annoyance.

“You already got up and lost some of the warm, you’ll be fine.”

“I hate you,” Phil informs him, squinting over at him in the low light of the lamp that still hasn’t been turned back off.

Dan smiles. “I love you too. Get the bear.”

“It’s an elephant,” Amelia corrects softly.

“Yeah, that,” Dan agrees. “Get her elephant.”

Phil makes a huffing noise and leans down to ruffle Amelia’s hair. “You two are lucky I love you both so much,” he says with a resigned sigh.

Dan dimples up at him, endlessly fond. “Thank you, dear,” he calls after him as Phil makes his way out of the room.

Amelia rolls over to blink up at Dan with shiny, tired eyes. “We’ve got a good dad,” she tells him thoughtfully.

Kissing the top of her head gently, Dan smiles. “Yeah, I reckon we do.”

A few minutes later, Phil returns with the plushy in hand. He leaves the door cracked open, and when Dan quirks an eyebrow at him, he shrugs. “Just in case Jaiden wakes up and gets scared.”

Dan’s lips quirk into a soft smile as he nods. “Good idea.”

Amelia holds her little hands out for the elephant, which Phil hands to her before tucking her in. He stays standing beside the bed for a moment, his fingers tapping against his thigh in a jittery sort of fashion.

“Are you coming back to bed?” Dan asks, his tone teasing.

Phil glances at him, shrugging. “I’m debating.”

“On?” Dan asks when Phil doesn’t elaborate.

Phil gives Dan a pitiful look, bringing his hand to rest on his belly. “I’m hungry.”

Dan rolls his eyes. “You’re not eating in bed in the middle of the night.”

Phil pouts. “Not even a little snack? Just a biscuit?”

“Absolutely not,” Dan snorts, indignant.

There’s a sigh, and Phil pulls the covers back, sliding underneath, resigned. Amelia shifts closer to him and whispers something in his ear. Phil’s eyes widen in surprise before he looks to Dan, his face full of glee. “Is that right?” He says, voice teasing.

“What are you two whispering about?” Dan mumbles, feeling very left out.

Amelia glances over her shoulder at him, giving him a very pitiful face. “Nothing,” she says, smiling innocently.

Phil grins before sitting up, reaching over Amelia to gently pet Dan’s hair, definitely a gesture of someone who wants something. “Dan,” he begins, his voice already full of smugness.

“No,” Dan interrupts, staring at him resolutely.

“But-“

“Absolutely not. You get crumbs in my bed, you‘re sleeping on the sofa.”

Phil looks absolutely abashed. “But, Daniel, you wouldn’t send our sweet little girl to sleep on the sofa, would you?” The smugness intensifies.

Dan narrows his eyes, his gaze flicking between the two of them. “What did you tell him, Mia?”

She smiles, patting Dan’s arm gently. “I asked if I could have just a tiny snack. A little one.”

Phil blinks at Dan pointedly. “And how can we say no to her? What kind of parents are we if we let her go hungry?”

Dan snorts at that. “Both of you finished your dinner and had dessert. I don’t think either of you are going hungry.”

“Daddy, just a little snack? We’ll bring you one too,” Amelia pleads, her little brown eyes so full of hope and innocence. Dan has no will against it.

“Fine.” They cheer quietly before he shushes them. “But,” he continues. “You can’t eat in here. I’m not kidding about crumbs in my sheets. Eat it in the kitchen, alright?”

Amelia nods excitedly before climbing over Phil, already desperate for the promise of food. Phil looks positively delighted as he leans over to press a kiss to Dan’s cheek. “You’re the best,” he says happily.

“Mhm,” Dan grumbles, waving them away.

Phil glances over at him, tilting his head to the side a bit. “You coming?”

Dan smiles at him gently, shaking his head. “Nah. I think this should be your thing with her. I don’t think I’m the midnight snack parent here.”

Something fond crosses Phil’s face, and he glances over to where Amelia is waiting for him by the door, scared to go to the kitchen by herself probably. “Alright. Want us to bring you something?”

Snorting, Dan shakes his head again. “I’m not breaking my own eating in bed rules, so that’ll be a no. But keep it quiet, yeah? I don’t want everyone in this house to know the sin you two are up to.”

Phil sticks his tongue out and Amelia covers her giggle with her elephant. “Be right back, then.”

Dan nods and gets comfy while they disappear down the hallway. He listens for a while at the quiet sounds of them whispering, and he’s glad the kitchen is closer to their room rather than the twins’ room. He hears what sounds like clinks of spoons and he guesses they’re probably having cereal. He wants to snort at the predictability of his best friend, but even sitting a room away he can’t pretend to be anything other than fond.

When they return, Phil’s carrying Amelia, who is sleepy and smiley in his arms. He’s got a wide grin on his face, and Dan can’t help but return it when they climb into bed. “Good snack?” He asks.

Phil nods and Amelia giggles. “We had some cereal,” she informs him.

Dan looks Phil dead in the eyes, giving him the most bland look he can muster. “Shocker,” he says, deadpan.

They maintain eye contact for just a moment before bursting into a fit of laughter. Amelia looks confused, but happy.

“You and your cereal-thiefing ways,” Dan mumbles, raising his arm and letting Amelia snuggle up to him. Phil looks down at the bed with a sheepish grin as he lays down. “Night, Mia. Love you.” Dan punctuates his words with a kiss to the top of her head.

“Night, daddy,” she mumbles, clearly already on the verge of sleep.

Phil blinks at him expectantly. Dan rolls his eyes. Phil pouts.

Leaning over Amelia carefully, Dan sloppily kisses Phil’s cheekbone. “I love you too, you absolute toddler,” he says, voice dripping with sarcasm.

Phil looks more than pleased when Dan pulls away. Dan watches as he snuggles down under the cover, tucking the blanket around their daughter carefully before closing his eyes. “Love you, Dan,” he mumbles when enough time has passed that Dan honestly thinks he may have already fallen asleep.

Dan blinks the moisture from his eyes. “Goodnight, bub,” he murmurs, the sound of Phil’s deep breaths already filling the silence.

~~~

Saturday is the same uneventful sort of day as it usually is in the Howell-Lester household, the day moving slow with everyone off school and work for the day. Dan is in the kitchen making an early lunch for everyone when Phil walks in, talking on his phone. Dan smiles at him, which Phil returns, a little less enthusiastically.

“Yes, I know, Mum,” he’s speaking into the phone. “I told you, Dan and I needed to think about it. We can’t just force them to go to your house for Christmas, can you imagine how awkward they’d feel?” Phil rolls his eyes as his mum speaks, probably chastising him for keeping her grandchildren away from her.

Dan can’t help but wince on Phil’s behalf. It’s strange enough suddenly being parental figures for three children, but add in the fabrication of their romantic relationship and, well, Phil’s family is feeling very left out of the loop, despite the fact that they’ve met the kids over FaceTime countless times. Dan knows the other man is holding onto what’s left of his sanity by a thread at this point, with all the pressure from his mum and the obvious obstacles that come with parenting. Dan definitely doesn’t envy his situation right now.

“Right. But there’s five of us now, mum.” Phil sends Dan a pleading look, and Dan can’t help but snicker. Phil rolls his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose. He hardly ever gets cross with his mum, so Dan knows something else must be bothering him. “I’ll talk with Dan about it, okay? I can’t make any promises, though. I...” he looks over at Dan then, something conflicting flashing across his face. “I have to put the kids first now, mum. We’ll see how they feel about it, okay?”

Dan tears his gaze away, focusing back on the sandwiches he’s meant to be crafting. He listens as Phil says his goodbyes, quietly murmuring for Phil to tell Kath he loves and misses her on Dan’s behalf. Phil relays the message and hangs up. A long sigh escapes his mouth then, and Dan can’t help but glance over at him.

Phil looks exhausted. His eyes are tired and his shoulders are slouched in a way that Kathryn would be rather appalled by. Dan’s heart feels a stab of sympathy for him.

“Rough talk?” He murmurs, trying to be careful with his inflection. He doesn’t want Phil to think he actually knows what they were discussing, even though he does.

“Yeah,” Phil whispers after a while. “Mum wants us to come to hers for Christmas.” Dan nods, staying quiet as he clears up the mess he’d made of the counter. Phil sighs again. “I don’t know what to tell her.”

Dan waits to see if there’s more, and when it’s clear that there’s not, he turns to face him, leaning on the counter. “Well, do you want to?”

“Do I want to what?” Phil asks, bewildered.

“Go to your family’s house for Christmas,” Dan elaborates, keeping his tone neutral.

Phil looks surprised, like he hadn’t thought to actually consider it. “I... well, I don’t know. I hadn’t really thought about it. I mean, I’m hoping we still have the kids by then.”

Dan hates the stab of fear he feels at the implication that there might be an alternative to that, but he forces it down, smiling and stepping closer to wrap his arms around Phil’s waist in a hug. He thinks idly about how this is their first hug of the day. “I reckon we ought to at least consider it.”

“Hold on, wouldn’t your mum be upset if we went to mine instead of hers for Christmas?” Phil asks, almost sounding accusatory.

Dan snorts, pulling away. “Not likely. She’d want to see us, sure, but their big family Christmas dinner is always the Saturday after anyway.”

“Oh,” Phil says, somewhat surprised. “You’ve never told me about that,” he sounds offended.

“I guess it never crossed my mind?” Dan replies, a little puzzled as to why Phil seems to care. “Either way, my mum wouldn’t be fussed.”

Phil looks away as he considers it. Dan steps out of his personal space to give him room to think, moving around the kitchen and setting the table for lunch. Finally, Phil says, “I’ve never not been at my family’s house for Christmas Day.” He whispers it, like he’s ashamed.

Dan turns to glance at him, raising an eyebrow in surprise. “Yeah?” He says lightly, prompting him to elaborate if he wants.

“I don’t want to force the kids to go somewhere else if it’ll make them uncomfortable,” he continues quietly. “And I don’t want to not see my parents on Christmas, but…” He takes a breath, looking up at Dan with something vulnerable in his eyes. “I won’t leave you alone with the kids on Christmas.”

“Well...” Dan pauses to consider their options. “We could invite your family here, just for Christmas Day. Or we could speak to the kids and ask how they feel about Isle of Man for a holiday. You never know, Phil, they might actually want to go. They’ve met Kath enough through calls and all that, I really don’t think they would mind going.”

Phil nods slowly, his eyes becoming a little unfocused as he spaces out, deep in thought.

Before they can reach any sort of agreement, the twins come barreling into the kitchen, followed by their older brother, who looks vaguely apologetic. Whatever thoughtful silence that had existed in the kitchen before is completely gone when they enter.

“I tried to tell them not to run,” Levi says, shrugging.

At the same time, Amelia grabs the back of a chair, hopping up and down behind it as she asks, “What’s for lunch?”

Jaiden is the only quiet one, drifting to the balcony doors and gluing his face to the glass to watch for his pigeon friends.

Dan sighs, somewhere between content and exasperated. “We’re having sandwiches,” he tells Amelia. Smiling reassuringly at Levi, he says, “I think it’s a lost cause at this point, really.”

The teenager shrugs before going to sit at the table, glaring at his sister pointedly until she halts her jumping, looking sheepish as she slides into her chair. Dan smiles at this before looking over at Phil, who’s studying the table activity with a look of almost curiosity. Dropping a gentle hand to his arm, Dan waits for his gaze to refocus before speaking. “Love, could you get some drinks while I pass out food?”

Phil nods, offering a partial smile. “Sure.”

Dan waits until Phil’s turned to collect cups before he goes about setting out the plates for everyone, calling Jaiden to the table and promising they can feed the pigeons later.

After everyone has food and a drink, Dan allows himself to have a seat as well, making sure everyone has what they need before tucking into his lunch. The talk at the table varies from school, to video games, and to the excitement of being home alone the following Friday. Phil is much more present now, joking with the twins and listening carefully when Levi speaks. Dan’s so full of such a sense of normalcy that the thought of the true nature of the situation very nearly drifts away entirely.

Eventually everyone is finished eating and Levi offers to help clear everything up after the twins run to play in their room. Dan sees this as a perfect opportunity to ask him about how he’s feeling about his current living situation, and a shared glance with Phil says they’re on the same page. “Sure, bud,” Dan agrees easily. “Why don’t you help Phil clear the table while I put the rest of this stuff away.”

Levi nods, clearing plates away quietly. Phil glances over at Dan rather pointedly and Dan nods. Phil clears his throat, a little bit awkwardly, before speaking. “Levi,” he begins, his tone soft. The teen’s gaze snaps up almost immediately, a deer-in-the-headlights look on his face until something on Phil’s makes him relax slightly. “We were wondering how you’re feeling about living here so far.”

Levi looks vaguely uncomfortable, but shrugs. “Alright, I guess.” He pauses. Then, suspiciously, “Why?”

Dan shrugs from where he’s stood putting the sandwich stuff away. “We just want to make sure we’re doing what we can to make you comfortable here.”

“So, if there’s anything you need or want that we don’t know about, you can tell us and we can work on getting it for you,” Phil explains, giving Levi a bright smile.

Levi seems to consider this. He still looks vaguely suspicious. “Oh... okay. Well, nothing comes to mind.” He clears his throat awkwardly.

“And that’s fine! Just, you know, if you think of anything. You can tell us.” Phil says, giving Dan a soft glance.

Dan nods at him in agreement before turning to smile at Levi. “Yeah. You can always talk to us about anything.”

Levi glances between them, his gaze somewhat confused. “Right... okay.”

Feeling a little awkward at how poorly that seemed to go, Dan clears his throat. “I know it’s awkward for you,” he says quietly, trying not to make Levi feel even worse by having this conversation with Phil there. Levi gives him a wary look. “But we want you to feel at home here, if it’s possible.”

There’s a silence, and Dan turns to tidy the pantry up a little, allowing Levi the space to think or leave if he’s feeling uncomfortable. After a few moments, he sighs. “I... I appreciate that, really,” he says slowly. “But, like... you don’t have to try so hard.”

Dan glances over at him sharply in surprise, his gaze flicking over to find that shock mirrored in Phil’s. “Oh. Okay,” is all Dan’s mouth can come up with.

Levi shrugs awkwardly. “Just... it’s awkward enough, yeah? Like suddenly you two have a teenager to look after, and I mean, I’m glad you let me be with my brother and sister, but you can worry about them, not me.”

It takes a long moment for Dan to process this, and when he does he feels his eyes burn. “Levi...” he starts, his voice pained.

Before Dan can even begin to explain how wrong it is for Levi to think they shouldn’t care about him, Phil speaks. “Levi, no. We’re not- we care about all of you. We didn’t just let you in like some stray off the street, okay? We wanted you here, from the moment we realized that the twins had a brother they’d been separated from.”

Levi looks surprised, as if they hadn’t already tried to relay this information to him before. “I-“

Phil interrupts him, holding a hand up to pause his words. “As awkward as you think this is for us, it’s not. We consider the three of you a part of our family, okay? Not just the twins. You’re just as much our child as they are, and you will be until your case manager decides otherwise. And we want to do things for you, just like we do the twins, if you’ll let us.”

Levi looks actually, properly stunned. He blinks rapidly, his gaze flicking between the two of them before finally dropping to the floor. “Okay.”

Phil’s shoulders seem to relax at that. “Good. Now, go get your things ready so Dan can drive you to your group session.”

Without another word, Levi leaves the room, although he does give Dan a bewildered look as he leaves. Dan shrugs at him, unsure how to explain Phil’s sudden outburst of emotional connection.

Left alone with him, Dan looks over to find Phil leaning back against the counter, rubbing the palms of his hands against his eyes and taking shuddering breaths. Without even thinking, Dan moves over to him, tugging his hands away and sweeping gentle fingers over the tears pouring from Phil’s eyes. “Shh,” Dan whispers when Phil lets out something like a sob. “You’re alright, baby. I’m so proud of you. That- that was such a lovely thing to tell him.”

“I love them so much, Dan,” Phil cries, dropping his head to Dan’s shoulder suddenly. Dan stares at the side of his head in shock. Phil obviously cared for them, but he’d never gotten this openly emotional about his affection for the children before. Seeing it was making Dan sniffle a little as well.

“I know, Phil. I know.” Dan brings one hand up to stroke the back of Phil’s head while the other caresses down his spine.

“I can’t believe Levi thinks he’s- he’s- like, a charity case or something! He’s our son!” Phil’s nearly sobbing now, and Dan tightens his grip.

“Shh. Quiet now, love. Shh, I know,” Dan murmurs soft words as Phil manages to work it out. He was a little out of depth here, as Phil was normally the more rational, less tearful one between the two of them. Apparently today was the exception, however. “You’ll cry yourself into a migraine if you aren’t careful, baby.”

Phil sniffles a few more times after that, finally getting a grip on his emotions. Dan waits for him to pull away first, and when he doesn’t, Dan begins to pepper kisses to his cheek and temple and ear. “Sorry,” Phil whispers.

Dan presses a soft kiss to his earlobe. “Nothing to be sorry for. Everyone cries.”

It’s quiet for a bit, but eventually Phil tilts his head, catching Dan mid-smooch. Dan flushes at their close proximity, but before he can pull away or apologize, Phil tilts forward just enough to peck Dan’s lips with his own. It’s hardly a kiss, more just a brush, but Phil looks completely unapologetic when he pulls away.

“Thank you,” he mumbles, hugging Dan tightly.

Dan’s not sure what he’s thanking him for, so he stays silent. They’re interrupted by the sound of footsteps, and Dan steps carefully out of Phil’s grip. Phil clutches his shirt anyway, and Dan can’t help but smile at that. “Ready to go?” He asks Levi, who’s hovering by the door looking awkward.

“Yeah,” he replies. He looks down, scuffing his shoe against the tile. “Phil?”

Phil looks surprised when he glances over at him. “Yeah?” He says, his voice a little scratchy from crying.

Levi seems to consider his words carefully before replying. “Er- thank you. For what you said earlier.”

“Of course,” Phil says immediately.

The teen nods, not lifting his gaze. Evidently that’s all that he’s got to say.

Dan tilts his head to look at Phil, who looks back at him with a surprised, but proud face. Dan doesn’t even think about holding back, dropping a soft kiss to Phil’s mouth like it’s nothing. Like it doesn’t send his blood racing and his heart stuttering. Like he does it every day.

Phil looks... well, happy. Dan shocks himself with the thought, but his mind only supplies that description of the look on his face when Dan pulls away from the brief kiss. “Drive safe, okay?”

“I will,” Dan nods. He pushes Phil’s quiff up from where it’s drooping. “Need anything while I’m out?”

“Snacks?” Phil asks, his voice sweet.

Dan rolls his eyes. “You’re going to snack yourself into a sugar coma, bub,” he teases.

Phil grins, his tongue caught between his teeth. “And you’ll take care of me while I’m in a coma, right?”

Dan kisses his nose. “If I have to.”

They grin at each other, and somewhere, Dan feels some relief in his heart or mind or the void where his soul should be. It feels a little bit like a fading resolve, or some wall being chipped away at. He feels lighter than he has in weeks, standing in his kitchen banting affectionately with his best friend in the whole world

“Go, he’ll be late,” Phil prompts, pushing Dan away.

“Movie night when we get back?” Dan asks, moving to the door.

Phil smiles and nods excitedly. “And pizza.”

“Perfect. It’s a date.”

~~~

Several hours later, after an overwhelming amount of pizza and a passive watch of Disney’s Hercules, Dan and Phil see the kids off to bed, much to the chagrin of the twins, who for all their complaining, stumble down the stairs like little drunks. Dan teases them for it, and Amelia, predictably, teases him right back, reminding him of the time he tripped down the stairs, stone-cold sober. Much giggling on the twin’s behalf later, after Dan has tried, and failed, to defend himself, the kids finally say their goodnights and head to their bedrooms.

“I’m so tired,” Dan moans the minute he steps into their room. He flops down onto their bed, star-fishing out in that way Phil does that usually annoys him so much.

“Sucks, bub,” Phil chuckles. “Gonna take your jeans off?” He asks, rummaging through their dresser.

Dan considers it. He really is very tired. “Is there some way I could perhaps convince you to do it for me?” He asks sweetly, fluttering his eyelashes up at Phil when the older man glances at him. He’s mostly kidding.

Phil’s eyes roll up to the ceiling at this, but sighs as he walks over and deposits his pajamas onto the side of the bed not currently occupied by Dan’s noodle limbs. “Undo ‘em for me,” he instructs, bringing his hands down to tug Dan’s socks off for him.

Dan hadn’t expected this. Honestly, he’s not sure he would’ve done it for Phil, really for no reason other than how it would feel to undress his best friend. Especially now that he knows there’s some very not-platonic feelings floating around his heart. Just that conscious thought, accepting those feelings he has for Phil, sends Dan’s blood rushing to his head, making him dizzy.

“Dan?” Phil calls quietly, patting Dan’s thigh to get his attention. “Do you actually want me to?”

“I... I’ll do it. I was just kidding, really,” Dan stutters out. He clears his throat. “Thanks, though. You’re a good friend.” He’s glad he’s still laying on his stomach, so he doesn’t have to meet Phil’s eyes as he says it.

There’s the feeling of hands running over his calves, gently massaging, and Dan sighs. “Of course, bub,” Phil quietly murmurs. “I’m gonna go take a shower, okay?”

“Yeah,” Dan agrees passively.

Phil squeezes his leg. Dan listens to his footsteps, allowing his eyes to flutter shut as the bathroom door clicks shut.

He doesn’t mean to fall asleep, but when he drifts back into the present world, it’s to the feeling of something tugging underneath him. “Mph?” He huffs a confused sound.

“Shh,” Phil whispers softly. “It’s just me, Dan. I’m trying to cover you up, scoot over a bit.”

After blinking the sleep out of his eyes a bit, Dan realizes that he’s still laid on the bed, wearing the same clothes he laid down in. Phil’s stood next to him, working on tugging the blanket out from under him so he can cover him up. “My jeans,” Dan complains.

Phil nudges him to sit up. “Go take them off and brush your teeth. You’ll wake up in the middle of the night anyway if you don’t go to bed with a clean mouth, remember?”

Dan grumbles but does as he’s told, stumbling off the bed and into the bathroom, unbuttoning his jeans as he goes. After taking a wee and tugging the stupid jeans off his long legs, Dan brushes his teeth slowly, feeling groggy from his short nap.

“Don’t forget to take your meds, babe,” Phil says, poking his head into the bathroom and tapping the doorframe to get Dan’s attention.

Nodding, Dan waves him off. Phil leaves him to it, allowing Dan to finish his routine alone before going back to their bedroom to join him. Phil’s sat up at the headboard, his glasses sliding down his nose as he looks down at the worn pages of a book. Dan crawls into bed beside him, leaning his head on Phil’s shoulder. Wordlessly, Phil tilts his head and kisses Dan’s forehead. Dan is so, so warm.

“What are we reading tonight?” Dan asks softly, too lazy and tired to actually read the page.

“Ready Player One,” Phil replies, turning the page. “Want me to read to you?”

Dan snuggles against his side shamelessly, wrapping his arm around Phil’s stomach. “Yeah.”

Phil takes a moment to pull the covers up and over Dan, smoothing them over his leg and patting his knee before bringing his hands back to the book. Phil’s voice is low and soothing as he reads, and Dan is very nearly asleep when he hears a soft knock on the door. They both turn to face it in sync, and Dan has to bite back a giggle at the movement.

“Come in,” Phil calls, loud enough for whoever to hear, but quiet enough that it won’t wake anyone asleep.

The door swings open after a second to reveal Levi, who shifts awkwardly from foot to foot, avoiding their eyes, cradling his hand awkwardly.

“Hey, bub,” Dan says softly. “What do you need?”

Levi steps closer to the bed, holding his left hand up with a grimace. “I, uh... kinda cut myself. I didn’t know where the band-aids were,” he says, looking the epitome of awkward and uncomfortable.

Dan immediately climbs off the bed and heads into the bathroom, gesturing for Levi to follow. “I’ll give you some to put in the other bathroom, I thought we had some but Phil’s the actual clumsiest person alive so sometimes we run out,” Dan explains with a smile. Levi offers a quiet laugh, hovering in the door.

“I am not!” Phil protests from the bedroom.

Dan rolls his eyes, but mouths, “he is,” causing Levi to laugh for real. Dan grins, gesturing to Levi’s hand. “Want me to look at it?” He offers gently.

Levi shakes his head. “It’s barely a scratch, honestly. I don’t even know why it’s bleeding, it doesn’t hurt.”

Dan sends him a suspicious look as he rummages through the cabinet. “What happened, anyway?”

“I was working on that art project I told you about,” Levi replies. “The paper mache thing? I was cutting the paper and the scissors just slipped.”

“Hm,” Dan hums neutrally. “Be more careful, alright? You might need your hand later in life,” he jokes.

Levi rolls his eyes but nods. “I will. It’s really just a scratch, though, honest.”

“I’m sure,” Dan agrees. “But make sure to wash it out and put some antibacterial gel on it, okay?”

Looking on the verge of another eye roll, Levi manages a more impatient nod, holding his hand out for the bandaids. “Got it,” he concedes.

Dan supplies him with a bandaid for now and several extras, making a mental note to buy a new box the next time he’s out. He follows Levi out, going to climb back in bed as Levi shuffles to the door.

“Levi?” Phil calls gently.

The teen turns around, raising his eyebrows. “Hm?”

“Everything at school going alright?” Phil asks. “I feel like we never get a proper chance to ask you about it with the twins always around.” He smiles as he says it, softening the almost accusation in his words.

Levi shrugs. “It’s alright. It’s school,” he says, his voice betraying nothing.

“Yeah,” Phil agrees with a twitch of his lips. “I get what you mean. But so far, it’s okay? The teachers aren’t too bad and the kids are alright?”

“Yeah, they’re fine,” Levi says. He gestures at Dan vaguely. “I think he gave me all the easy teachers because they’ve all been pretty nice.”

Dan is about to protest but Phil sends him this lovely smile and Dan shuts up immediately. “Good, good,” Phil says. “I guess we’ll let you get to bed, then.”

Levi nods, waving at them a little awkwardly. “Alright. Night, guys.”

“Goodnight, Levi,” Dan calls after him as he walks out the door. He waits a beat to make sure Levi is well down the hall before turning to look at Phil. “You really are a good dad,” he says, almost conversationally.

Phil smiles at him fondly. “I should be. I’ve been practically raising you for the past ten years.” His tone is joking but it still embarrasses Dan, just a little, to be reminded of their slight age difference.

Dan can feel the wicked grin making its way onto his face. He can’t control himself, obviously, with the joke presented so perfectly. He leans in, resting his chin on Phil’s shoulder and pressing a feather-light kiss to Phil’s ear before whispering in his most sultry voice, “Daddy.”

“Ew!” Phil splutters, immediately shoving Dan away. He looks absolutely mortified when he’s put some space between them. “Never say that again, Dan,” he warns, sounding very, very serious, and very, very disturbed.

Dan erupts into a fit of laughter at Phil’s reaction, swiping tears of mirth out of his eyes. “Oh my god. You’re too easy! And the look on your face,” Dan sighs, catching his breath. He snuggles back against Phil with an innocent smile that Phil returns with a glare. “I promise I won’t say it again. I just had to, honestly.”

“You really... didn’t,” Phil argues, flicking his gaze up so he doesn’t have to meet Dan’s eyes.

Pressing his lips to Phil’s cheek is Dan’s apology, which Phil seems to accept if his sigh and the way he wraps an arm around Dan is any indication. “That really wasn’t funny,” he mumbles, collecting his book back on his lap and flipping it open again.

“Sure it was,” Dan replies easily, watching with a cringe as Phil returns to his dog-eared page. “It was funny to me.”

Phil knocks his head against Dan’s gently as reprimand. “You’re doing an awful lot of chatting for someone who was nearly asleep only half an hour ago, bub.”

Dan smiles against his shirt. “Alright, alright. I’ll be quiet.” Phil huffs like he doesn’t believe it but clears his throat to start reading. Before he can, Dan interrupts him. “Can you start at the beginning? It’s been a while since I’ve read this and I don’t remember who half these people are.”

There’s a groan, and Dan can’t help but bite back a laugh. “No, I’m not starting at the beginning, you horrible boy. This is supposed to be my quiet reading time.”

“Sorry,” Dan lies. “But you offered to read to me, so...”

“I’ll start at the beginning of this chapter. And if you get confused I’ll explain what’s happening. But otherwise shut your mouth and go to sleep, yeah?” Despite the irritation he’s obviously feeling at Dan pestering him, Phil’s words are still incredibly fond and bear no actual unkindness.

“M‘kay,” Dan agrees. “You may proceed.”

There’s a pause as if Phil’s waiting to be interrupted, but when he isn’t, he jumps right into the story, reading it at just the right volume for Dan to listen passively, his eyelids getting heavier and heavier with every paragraph. Eventually he nods off on Phil’s shoulder, but in their position his head lulls to the side and the movement jolts him awake again.

“You okay?” Phil whispers.

“Mm. Mhm. Sleepy,” Dan mumbles back.

Phil turns down the corner of his page, making Dan cringe, before placing the book onto his bedside table and turning off the lamp. He’s careful not to jostle Dan too much as he guides him into a proper sleeping position, tugging Dan’s pillow closer to his own and guiding his head to it. Dan allows his eyes to drift shut as Phil settles behind him, pulling the duvet up and over their shoulders.

“Warm enough?” Phil whispers against Dan’s hair.

“Mhm.” Dan reaches back until he finds Phil’s hand, pulling his arm to wrap around his waist. He feels a kiss against his neck and smiles. “Goodnight,” he murmurs.

Phil hums a response into the lack of space between them, but Dan’s already drifting back off to sleep.

#phan #phanfiction #parent!au #parent!phan #foster parent au #bbc producer!phil #school counselor!dan #fake relationship #friends to lovers #best friends #if you don't love me pretend #iydlmp #chapter 19

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notcanoncompliant · 5 years

Text

Finely Tuned

So I read this fluffy-ass prompt a while back:

“Person A was waiting for Person B to arrive for their first date, and when Person B doesn’t show up, Person A’s afraid they’ve been stood up. As Person A is about to leave, they get a phone call from an unknown number. It’s Person B, apologizing and telling Person A they’re in the emergency room for [[insert various stupid reasons here]]. Person A shows up to the hospital with take out, and A & B have their first date in a hospital room.”

….and my brain did this: ****************************************

Peter’s been way too lucky, lately.

His last bad night on patrol was over a month ago, resulting in a pretty minor bullet-grazing. Fixing his suit had been the worst part of that encounter.

This time, though, Peter’s sure there will be significantly worse consequences as he takes in what he can see of the spotless, sanitarium-style room he’s woken up in, the impossibly strong cuffs strapping him down spread-eagle on a hospital bed…and the whole ‘naked except for his mask’ deal.

He’s laying face-up and his head’s not strapped down, but he doesn’t bother looking around long for any objects he could use in an escape, weapons or otherwise. It only takes a few tugs against his restraints to realize he won’t be breaking out of them on his own, and he feels a rush of nerves; the strength of those cuffs means there’s a good chance he knows where he is, or at least, who has him.

A crackling sound emits from a small black circle at the center of the un-textured white ceiling.

“Hey, Charlotte’s Web.”

Peter stiffens at the familiar voice.

There’s a soft chuckle. “How do you feel about playing doctor?”

"Will she record…everything?”

Tony nods absently, flicking away another holo-screen of stats.

“Yeah, kid. Everything. That’s the point of the study. If FRIDAY knows everything, I know everything, and the suit’ll be ready for anything.”

It makes sense, but Peter still feels a little nervous about it. None of the tests so far have been anything close to invasive–mostly just wearing stick-on sensors while he does active things; runs on a treadmill or climbs walls–and he does trust the billionaire. Tony’s been nothing but good to him since they officially met on the MIT campus those few weeks ago.

Peter catches the words 'Tactile Sensitivity’ before the new screen gets flipped away.

Peter makes a sound, something he refuses to acknowledge as a whimper, and his face flares hot behind his mask. Another quiet laugh drifts down from the ceiling.

“Pulse up, temp rising…Are you afraid?”

The smirk is obvious, even if he can’t see the owner.

“No,” the voice continues, “I don’t think you are.”

“FRIDAY, can you–can you disable the recording? For, like, fifteen minutes? Please?”

He’s sitting at the foot of the bed, gripping two handfuls of the down comforter at the edge of the mattress.

The room Tony gave him to stay in for the overnight portion of the study is as cozy and welcoming as a hotel room (which is to say, not very much). It definitely feels as anonymous as one, and that illusion of privacy and alone-ness isn’t really helping him resist.

“I’m sorry, Peter; you’re not authorized to override or pause the recording.”

Peter squeezes his eyes shut. He can ignore it. He can. He does.

…He caves. The need’s too strong.

His pants and boxers end up shoved halfway down his thighs, and he wraps a hand around himself.

The door opens, and Peter hears someone step inside and shut it behind them. Footsteps tap across linoleum, stopping at the end of the bed.

“Oh,” Tony says lowly, “you’re definitely not.”

Eyes facing resolutely upward, Peter listens as the genius make his way around to stand beside him.

Something brushes feather-light across the tip of his erection, and Peter gasps involuntarily. The gasp turns into a quiet moan when that something begins paying deliberate but gentle attention to his leaking slit. Shutting his eyes, he bites down on his lower lip and struggles not to arch his hips into the contact.

Tony hums in interest.

“Love seeing how far down that blush goes.”

“Fuck, Mr. Stark–Tony–”

Peter gasps the name out as quietly as he can, imagines it’s Tony’s hand he’s fucking instead of his own.

Imagines Tony crooning filthy, sweet nothings into his ear as Peter slides his cock in and out of the slicked channel of the genius’ hand.

–You’re a slut for this, Pete, I knew you would be.

–Say it. Say you’re a slut for me.

“I’m–I’m a slut for this–for you,” he groans out into the silent guest room.

–Good boy. Make yourself cum, sweetheart. Make a mess.

He gasps Tony’s name again as he tenses up and spills over his own fist.

“I did some research after you left,” Tony says, casually.

The something–a fingertip, Peter’s 99% sure–does a few more small sweeps over the head of his dick and then stops, pulling away entirely. Peter whines at the loss, but he still doesn’t tilt his head to look.

“Did you know,” the genius says over a dull clicking sound, a case being opened, “that spiders have heightened sensitivity to touch?”

Peter wonders if this is how a heart-attack might feel.

“It’s an oversimplification,” Tony continues, “See, Pete, a spider’s touch sensitivity is fine-tuned–”

There’s a short, plastic click, and then buzzing.

“–to pick up vibrations.”

Tony clears his throat.

Peter pauses as he’s reaching for a cereal box.

“I watched the recordings,” Tony says.

Grabbing the box down from the shelf, Peter pours himself a bowl. It’s Frosted Mini Wheats, his favorite. The billionaire started stocking it in his personal kitchen after the first few times Peter’d slipped into the penthouse and crashed on the couch after patrol.

“Did you,” Peter says mildly, taking a bite of cereal. He still doesn’t turn around, doesn’t want Tony to see the pink that’s surely bloomed across most of his face.

When Tony doesn’t say anything immediately, Peter nearly looks over at him, nearly loses this game of chicken they’ve been playing for weeks.

Neither of them speak. Peter stubbornly eats his cereal at the counter, listens to the tapping of the billionaire’s fingers on his tablet.

Eventually, the tapping stops.

“Do you trust me, Pete?”

“Oh, God–”

“Thank you, but 'Mr. Stark’ is fine.”

Peter struggles a little, puts pressure on the restraints. Whines at the lack of give.

Tony tuts at him.

“Save your breath, sweetheart.”

He does trust Tony. Trusts the forty-year-old genius to take care of him. Of his secrets. Doesn’t matter that there was a little hero worship mixed in there, too, at first; Tony never took advantage. After his guest lecture, when Peter had come to him at the tail end of all the other student admirers, the older man had been warm and professional. Talked to Peter like an equal, despite the nearly twenty-year age difference.

And when Peter took a chance and called him after a particularly rough patrol, Tony collected him and brought him to the tower, no questions asked. Aside from whether or not he needed serious medical attention.

Tony Stark was the second person he’d trusted with his secret identity, and the genius had done nothing but provide him access to his lab and give him a safe place to crash when Peter needed it.

“Yeah,” Peter says, putting his spoon down, turning to face Tony.

“Yeah?”

“Yes, Tony. I trust you.”

The billionaire smirks at him, eyes dark, and heat pools low in Peter’s stomach.

“Then I have a proposal.”

Peter’s outright trembling as the end of the toy drags torturously light and slow up the inside of his left thigh. Closer…closer…it’s so close, feels like it’s a hairsbreadth away from where he wants it, needs it–

He almost sobs when it’s removed completely.

“Oh, Pete,” Tony says, almost reverently, “Barely anything and you’re already soaked. You slut.”

A shiver rolls through Peter’s body at the word, and he bites down on his lip again desperately to hold back another whine.

The vibrator returns to touch down on the inside of his right knee. He groans.

As Tony slides it back up along a path that mirrors the first on his opposite thigh–just as lightly, just as slow–Peter thinks he might actually cry. Tony’s right; hardly anything and he’s already about to fall apart, a pathetic mess under Tony’s hands.

This time, the toy stops at the end of its trail, but doesn’t pull away. Peter pulls against his wrist restraints in an effort to distract himself from the urge to shift his hips.

So close.

“What–uh, what exactly do you have in mind?” Peter asks. His mouth is so dry it’s hard to get the words out.

“A surprise. For you. In the vein of the study.”

Peter nods slowly. “Okay…”

“No impact play,” Tony says calmly. He’s not even looking at Peter now, just scrolling through something on his tablet. “Nothing extreme, nothing dangerous. You’ll have a safeword; that’s non-negotiable.”

The billionaire finally glances up. “In the interest of full–” he pauses, “–of enough disclosure, it would be…intimate.”

“I–I figured,” Peter manages.

At the first sense of vibration under the head of his swollen cock, Peter cums abruptly, three warm jets along his stomach, up to his chest. Through his rushing heart beat and ragged breathing, he hears the buzzing stop, and Tony’s low, impressed whistle.

Gentle fingers brush the edge of Peter’s mask, and Peter lifts his head so Tony can pull it all the way off. When he lays back down, Tony’s leaning just slightly over him, smirking.

“Comfy, Pete?”

Peter shuts his eyes, swallows thickly. Nods.

“Remember your words?”

He nods again.

Tony tsks quietly.

“Words, kid,” he says, amused, “I need to hear you say them.”

“Red for stop…green for good…yellow to slow down,” Peter rasps out. His breathing is just beginning to steady, but he still feels like he’s been running.

A calloused hand cards through his hair, massages his scalp. Peter shuts his eyes as a moan slips out without his permission.

Tony huffs a quiet, affectionate laugh.

“Good boy.”

The hand slips from Peter’s hair, and Peter hears and feels the older man shift back to stand in line with his hips. There’s another click, and the buzzing starts again.

“FRI, darling,” the inventor says, nonchalantly, “be a doll and start the counter, for me, please.”

Peter tenses, lifting his head sharply.

It’s been almost a month since he’s seen Tony, and Peter’s beginning to think nothing’s going to happen. All the texts they’ve exchanged–and they’ve been few and far between, a sharp contrast to the weeks prior to their last meeting–have been short and perfunctory on Tony’s end.

He tries not to be disappointed; it’s Tony Stark. The guy could have literally anyone he wanted. Maybe he just didn’t feel the need to follow through on an encounter with a semi-experienced twenty-two year old kid. Just because he’d looked at Peter like he wanted to completely devour him the one time doesn’t necessarily mean anything.

Mid-swing, Peter hears a cry from below, changes direction.

Tony’s probably busy, Peter reasons as he drops down into an alley and what sounds like a garden-variety mugging, and it’s not like the billionaire owes Peter an explanation, anyway–

The alley’s empty, except for a small radio on the ground, still pumping out high-definition, very realistic sounds of a violent physical confrontation.

Something stings his neck, and he barely manages to sling a directionless strand of webbing before he drops and everything goes dark.

“I can’t, Tony, please…” Peter begs.

He knows he’s a mess, in his mind–everything is hot and overwhelming but so fucking amazing in a terrible kind of way–and on the outside–tears down his face, sticky all over his chest and stomach and thighs.

“Shh, Pete; you can, sweetheart. One more. Come on. Just one more.”

Tony’s voice is comforting and infuriating and grounding all at once. The genius had ceased the excess touches ages ago (only because Peter had begged him to stop when even fingers carding through his hair or trailing lightly down his limbs became too much to handle), but the older man hasn’t stopped talking. Sweet, encouraging, filthy words; warm endearments and oh so satisfying degradation.

Peter makes a desperate, wordless sound, tries fruitlessly to twist away as Tony draws the vibrator up from the base of Peter’s shaft back to the head.

For a moment it’s a continuation of the same torture of the last however-long-its-been, and then Tony moves away.

Struggling to lift his head, Peter stares down the sticky wreck of his torso in time to see Tony lean down and sweep his tongue over the head of his cock at the same time the vibrations crank up to a frankly unholy level.

“How’re you feeling, kid?” Tony asks.

It’s kind of a big question, Peter thinks.

He’s in the vee of Tony’s legs, reclined against that broad chest while they lounge together on Tony’s obscenely large bed. There’s no tension whatsoever in his muscles, he had the most satisfying nap he’s had in maybe years, and he’s absolutely stuffed from the veritable buffet of aftercare-appropriate food. Tony’s been checking and gently massaging his wrists and ankles, even after his healing factor made quick work of the faint red marks left by the restraints.

He feels loved.

…Or like he’s still coasting on the oxytocin rush of eight consecutive orgasms.

“Um. Good. Great,” Peter says finally, flushing slightly.

Tony hums, and a hand slides into Peter’s hair, calloused fingers scritching lightly at his scalp.

“We’ll try for nine, next time.”

Peter chokes.

#starker #dom!tony #sub!peter #tony x peter #tony stark x peter parker #fic prompt #starker fic #nff #nff starker #tw: dubious consent #dom/sub #unreliable narrator

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daniactuallysnuffledthatpopcorn · 5 years

Text

Home for Christmas (Part 3 of 4)

Summary: Every year Dan goes to a ballet performance of the Nutcracker around Christmas (he even starts to enjoy it after a while), but what he’s really waiting for is the nights he gets to spend with one of the lead dancers after the show.

Rating: M

Word count: 7.3K (20.3K total so far)

[A/N] Hope you enjoy my Christmas mini-series!

<-- part two

Start at the beginning

As the new year crawled by Dan found himself tempted to google Phil’s name more and more with each passing day.

When university started back up after Christmas break and he found himself surrounded by the people who had to get used to seeing him without Rosie he caught himself just before pressing enter multiple times, erasing the words he’d typed and turning off his phone screen before he could change his mind again. He tried to avoid running into her, sometimes going as far as skipping dinner because she was sat in the kitchen, until he no longer felt his phone burning in his pocket watching her tending to her pans at the stove. Until he no longer had the pressing urge to get out of town every chance he got, visiting Eleanor on the weekly.

Final exams rolled in way too fast and left him feeling wholly unprepared. No matter how many study dates and trips to the library he set up, it never seemed to be enough. Law books were big and heavy, pulling on him with every step that brought him closer to the exam halls. Eleanor, whose exams didn’t start until the day after his, stayed with him and made him a full fry for breakfast the morning before his first test. It was her way of trying to offer her support when she knew that as a neurosciences student she was completely useless when it came to helping him study.

Although he liked to think he was fully over Rosie by May, it still gave him some sort of satisfaction when Eleanor gave a resolute “yes” to his ex’s polite “you alright?” as they sat at the kitchen table.

He wondered how she would greet Phil if she knew the ins and outs of their agreement. His phone lit up, signalling a new Snap from Davis.

Summer was a gift from god.

After missing their November weekend together Dan and Eleanor spent a whole week exploring Rome in early August, completely avoiding the topics of love lives and university and focusing on sunshine and gelato and the ancient history they were walking around in on their flipflops. They held hands the way they’d done in primary school, before they hit puberty and girls and boys weren’t supposed to do that kind of stuff anymore. Before they cared about what anyone thought of their relationship.

Dan neglected to mention to her that on the last night, when she went to the bathroom as they were having a couple of drinks at the hotel bar, an Irish boy slipped him a napkin with a string of numbers on it accompanied by the words, “if you’re not interested feel free to bin this, but otherwise, text me”. Dan shoved it in his pocket, where it stayed until he got back to his parents’ house in London and he unpacked his suitcase. He stood with the paper in his hand for a minute or so, and then another few minutes staring at the new contact in his phone.

Sat cross-legged on the bed he carefully crafted a message. As he was typing it took everything from his willpower not to close the app and go to google. To just type in that one name that he’d put into that bar so many times before. Instead, he resolutely tapped the ‘send’ button and then proceeded to put his phone under his pillow to leave it there for the next couple of hours.

When Nicholas replied he was almost surprised. They spent the next couple of weeks texting and although Dan had initially been sceptical, the more he learnt about Nick, the more he felt that there might be something and he might not need to be stuck on his Christmas dates for the rest of his life.

Nick was nice. Genuinely nice. He was a good listener, made jokes at the right time, and had an intricate knowledge of all kinds of animals as he was studying to become a vet. Dan found himself looking forward to the evenings when Nick got home from placement and the two of them could Skype call before they went to bed. Long nights were spent lying on his back on the carpet, feet propped up against the side of his desk, phone tucked comfortably between his shoulder and his ear. He could hear the Irish boy smile through the phone.

He liked Nick. He really did. But when in early October he asked him that dreaded question, “so, what are we?”, Dan couldn’t stop his fight or flight response from kicking in. Unsure of whether he feared commitment to a boy or commitment to anyone at all, he broke it off.

From there on, things went downhill. Fast.

One of the boys Dan lived with dropped out, meaning they had to either find a new flatmate or a new place, and the others’ half-hearted search for a house stressed him out. University was pulling on him like a ball on a chain and the words danced before his eyes on the nights he tried to catch up with the stacks of work accumulating on his desk. Eleanor’s ugly selfies sent over snapchat were only doing so much to put a smile on his face, their effects diminishing with every day.

Two weeks after Reuben had left, Dan sent in his student withdrawal form.

Three days later, he found the courage to tell his parents, sat on Eleanor’s bed with one hand in hers and the other hand clutching the phone held to his ear. Everything was falling apart, but the one constant he could always count on was his best friend always being right by his side.

Dan moved back home hesitantly. His old bedroom felt too small for him and his hometown was full of eyes watching him, knowing he didn’t belong there anymore.

What did he actually want to do with his life? He had no idea, really. His new job at an electronics shop was not it though, that was for damn sure. It had him drifting through the days, every week feeling like the last, endless and exhausting. To pass the time he messed around with the products when he got bored, feeling professional when he pressed buttons on the DJ sets knowing what they did, and adjusting camera lenses with expert eyes. In those moments he felt for a moment like he was on the right path, just not knowing where it would lead him yet.

In mid-December Dan used his first wages to buy one of those fancy cameras. He spent hours in his bedroom sat cross-legged on the floor adjusting settings and filming little test videos, the reality of his world forgotten for a precious while.

Four days before Christmas Dan planted the camera up on one of his book shelves, fixed his hair in the mirror for exactly two minutes longer than necessary, and then pressed the record button.

He filmed his first video in one go, with rambling tangents and awkward pauses to edit out later, which he did the day after, when he got home from work. He was tired. After a nine-hour day the last thing his eyes wanted to do was focus deeply on something for another couple of hours. One by one his family members went to bed, the sounds of their bedroom doors closing reaching Dan even through his headphones. In the morning, when his alarm would go off at half seven again, he’d hate himself for this, but that felt well worth it when he clicked ‘upload’ and watched the bar load up to a 100%. It was two in the morning when his first ever YouTube video went live.

Dan and Eleanor had bought tickets for the ballet in early December almost out of habit. There had been no discussing it, just Eleanor asking if he’d already bought them or if she should. On the day before Christmas Eve she picked him up in her car, blasting Mariah Carey so loud Dan could hear it the moment he stepped out the front door. She was wearing a beautiful silver dress and had her hair braided back so her elegant hoop earrings were clearly visible. He complimented her as he plopped down in the passenger seat of her Volkswagen.

He tried to play it cool, but it was difficult to do so when he’d been looking forward to this night for months. It felt on the verge of pathetic, but his monotonous job left him with plenty of headspace to contemplate all that could happen and might be in the future. He’d lived this day and the next dozens of times over in his head stood behind the counter smiling artificially at customers as he rang up their purchases.

They knew their way around the theatre by now. They knew where to find the coat room, and the fact that it cost 50p per coat, and they knew the quickest route up to the balcony and the toilet closest to it. Dan ran his hands over the balustrade as they walked to their spots. The place was still fully lit, giving him a view of the seats and the stage below. Two little girls were on stage in front of the curtains, doing pirouettes and falling out of them with big grins decorating their little faces. He stood and watched them for a moment, until he felt Eleanor demonstratively lean over the railing next to him. “You excited?” She asked.

“Yeah, I guess.” He said without tearing his gaze away from the kids.

“Have you spoken to him at all since last year?”

Dan shook his head, “I don’t even have his number. I don’t know his last name or anything.”

“Really? I thought you had a somewhat regulated plan.”

“If we’re both single by Christmas, we spend the night together. That’s it, that’s the whole plan.”

She laughed, “You’re a bit of a disaster, Dan.”

“I know.” He said. He sighed deeply, leaning further down until his chin came to rest on his hands. “I’ve given up trying to sort this out, I’m just along for the ride now.”

She didn’t respond, but without needing to look over Dan knew she was rolling her eyes at him.

They watched the girls dance until they were ushered off the stage and the lights started to dim. The hall had filled up quite a bit since they’d turned their back on the balcony, and they had to shuffle past grumbly chic people annoyed they had to move their legs to let them past. It was Dan and El’s third year. They were used to the rich people by now.

The lead dancers had all changed. He recognised the previous lead as one of the background dancers, along with a couple of others who’d had big roles the years before. Phil was nowhere to be found. Dan had a heavy feeling in his stomach as he watched them float across the stage. Eleanor noticed too, taking her best friend’s hand in hers and squeezing it tightly. They exchanged a short glance, but Dan couldn’t bear looking her in the eyes for too long, too embarrassed about his situation and the hope he’d displayed before the show. She knew he’d been excited for their meeting and Phil’s not being there made him feel ashamed, naive almost. His eyes absentmindedly followed the ballerinas, not really taking anything in.

Eleanor kept a firm grip on his hand, pulling him downstairs to the bar and pushing a glass of champagne into his hand. She wasn’t sure what to say either, clearly. Dan could see the radars in her head spin as she tried to come up with a way to comfort him.

“Dan?”

He saw Eleanor’s eyes light up before he turned and faced the person who’d said his name.

Phil was wearing slacks and a button-down shirt, his hair neatly swept to one side. He looked older, more mature. Dan was glad Eleanor had made him dress up that year, so he knew he looked good. He subconsciously reached up and tugged on his tie a bit as he looked the dancer up and down.

“It’s good to see you.” He managed to say.

“You too.” Phil said.

“I thought you might not be here this year.”

“I’m not on the team anymore. Not as a dancer, at least. I’ve taken up that coaching position like I told you I might last year, I’m assistant coach now.”

“Wow, congratulations.”

Phil laughed, “It’s not that spectacular, I’m not sure if it deserves congratulations.”

“Well, you’ve done better for yourself than I have.” Dan said. It was out there before he could stop himself, and the moment he’d said it he was afraid he’d enclosed too much information about his personal life.

“You can tell me all about it after the show,” Phil said, “I have to get back to the team now. I was just coming to say hi and make sure you knew I was here. Backdoor?”

“Yep, see you there.”

“Perfect.”

He watched Phil leave before turning around to face Eleanor, who had a smug look on her face. “See, it’s all fine.” She said.

“You say that now, but you were afraid he wouldn’t be here too.”

“Maybe.” She admitted. She touched her champagne glass to his, “Cheers to another fun night for you.”

“And cheers for hopefully one for you. You deserve one.”

He meant it. After Nicola cheated on her six months into their relationship she’d stayed away from boys for a while, but a week earlier she’d said she might try and pull on the 23rd of December, for the first time in months. He watched her eye a guy standing behind them as she nodded and took a sip of her drink. “I sure do.”

Dan couldn’t help but break into a smile when he watched Phil approach. He was stopped a few times along the way to shake hands and receive pats on the shoulder, but eventually he made it over and to Dan’s surprise he leaned in and kissed him right in front of everyone. “Are you ready to go?”

“Yeah, can you just leave?”

Phil nodded. “Let’s walk.”

The moment they stepped out into the cold Dan glanced over to see if Phil would change his mind about walking, but he didn’t. They both put up the collars on their coats and bowed their heads against the wind. Dan had his hands shoved deep into his pockets until he felt Phil’s fingers brush against his wrist. Wordlessly, their fingers intertwined and fell between their two bodies.

“It was a good performance.” Dan said eventually.

He saw Phil nod from the corner of his eye, “They trained their little hearts out. The lead got sick three days ago, so this was the understudy performing. She’d never had this big a role before and was so nervous, bless her.” He smiled to himself.

“When did you start coaching?”

“With the start of the new schoolyear, this September. I still dance too, just not on this team anymore. I’ve stopped competing too, I’m just doing it for fun on the side now.”

“That must’ve been a transition.”

“Yeah, I struggled with it a bit. Still do, really. I miss it, but I know this is where I need to be and what I need to be doing.”

Dan stayed quiet. His mind drifted to his own situation, how he was far from where he needed to be. He bit his lip, face numb with the cold.

Phil squeezed his hand. The only comfort he could offer without asking too much about his life outside of their Christmas dates.

The hotel was a twenty-minute walk from the theatre, and when they finally stepped into the lobby Dan’s whole body started stinging as the warmth from inside hit him. Next to him, Phil rubbed his hands together and blew on them. His cheeks were bright red, shimmering in the bright lights. Dan couldn’t help remarking in his mind that he looked cute and kissable.

They took the lift up. Hand-in-hand once again, eyes shyly meeting through their reflections in the mirror. The third time and still it felt new and exciting.

There was only one big, king-sized bed in the room this year. Phil’s suitcase was on the floor by the desk with a couple of items strewn over the chair.

“So, I have a suggestion. You can say no if you want.”

“Okay.” Dan said, raising his eyebrows.

“I brought a really nice bath bomb. From Lush. The bath is fairly spacious.”

“Yes?”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay.”

Phil grabbed him by his tie and pulled him in, their lips touching together gently.

They got undressed as the bath ran in the other room. Phil was still as toned and gorgeous as he had been the years before and Dan’s fingers itched to reach out and touch him. He had to have patience. Soon enough, they’d be bunched up in the bath, with no other choice but to touch each other.

The bath bomb fizzed and coloured the water a pale, glittery blue. Phil lined up the little hotel shampoos and soaps on the side, his muscles flexing under his taut skin as he moved. Dan’s eyes were glued to him, mesmerised.

“You good?”

“Yeah.”

Phil got in first, settling in comfortably before beckoning Dan over. The latter was hesitant, trying to be elegant about it and almost slipping in the process. A small tidal wave splashed over the side of the bath as he steadied himself on the tap. Phil laughed. He was relaxed, with his head resting against the wall and his arms stretched out over the sides of the bath. The hot water made Dan want to relax, but the situation was so foreign and new to him that he was struggling to keep his composure altogether and was happy enough when he finally settled down with his knees pulled into his chest.

The bath water being blue obscured most areas Dan was insecure about from sight, and soon enough he was relaxing his legs, stretching them out alongside Phil’s. “So, how was your year?” Phil asked.

He was good at asking those questions that could be answered by pretty much anything, leaving the decision as to where to draw the line with Dan once again. “Good,” the latter said hesitantly, “it was a ride.”

Phil laughed, “Yeah, me too.”

“I’m- I was in university before. I dropped out.” Phil didn’t seem to judge him, just nodding encouragingly for Dan to go on. “So, I work in a store now. Trying to, you know, sort out my life and all.”

“What do you want to do when you’re older?”

“I don’t know, die maybe.”

“Okay, that’s valid. But before that?”

Dan shrugged, “I don’t know, honestly.”

Phil decided not to press anymore, and Dan quickly took the opportunity to ask about his year.

“It was good. I went on my last Europe tour as a member of the team instead of a coach, so that was a bit bittersweet. I’m excited to coach though. Oh, I finally moved out, too. Was about time.” He laughed, the water moving off him in little waves.

Dan put on his underwear before he dried any other part of his body. Phil had no such inclination, stood in the middle of the hotel room stark-naked while drying his hair. The bed looked cosy and inviting, and although the room was warm enough Dan longed to curl up under the covers for a while.

Wearing just his pants he crawled into bed and pulled the duvet up to his chin. While he waited for the other to finish up, he grabbed the remote control off the bedside table and turned the TV on to a radio station that was playing Christmas songs. The only thing this atmosphere needed to be perfect was a little scented candle, but Dan would settle for this.

“So, I’ve been waiting pretty much all year to make out with you. Do you mind doing that for a while before we decide what to do with the rest of our night?”

Dan grinned, “I think I’m alright with that.”

Phil slipped under the covers with him and pushed him down onto his back. Dan laced his fingers through Phil’s mildly damp hair as they kissed. Maybe his flight response to Nicholas’ question had had less to do with the question of commitment to either a boy or anyone, and more to do with the fact that he was already committed to something. To a 24 hours period just before Christmas.

Phil’s hands were a bit cold roaming his sides. They sent shivers down his spine, but he did nothing to stop them.

Soon enough they were both warmed up and their almost naked bodies moved together, arousal already showing. Every time Phil’s hips touched against Dan’s thigh it sent a pleasant shiver to his dick, his fingers tightening against Phil’s hair and skin. It was pretty clear that ‘what they would be doing with the rest of their night’ wasn’t much of a question, really. With the way hands and mouths were moving this was only going in one direction.

Phil’s lips had trailed off, going from Dan’s neck to his chest and down to his belly. Looking down at him Dan watched the trail of faint hickeys grace down from his throat to the waistband of his boxers. Phil had already moved on, his breath ghosting over the bulge in the fabric and his hands moving up Dan’s thighs with confidence.

Although one part of his brain was focused solely on the fact that a very attractive boy was about to give him a blowjob, the other part of him couldn’t help but think about what would happen after. The memory of last year was still fresh in his mind to put a slight damper on his excitement. He wanted to try again. The thought of actually having sex with Phil made his whole body tingle, but it was also scary. It was like losing his virginity all over again, where he had no idea what he was doing, and he just had to surrender all control to another, more experienced party.

For a few minutes though, Dan’s mind was completely taken off anything he could possibly worry about as Phil pulled down his underwear and put his mouth on him. He started by teasing along the shaft with his tongue, one hand holding him firmly by the base and the other with fingertips barely grazing along his balls. Dan opened his eyes for a moment, glancing down at the sight below him. A soft sound escaped from the back of his throat before his eyes closed again.

Phil was an expert. His mouth and hands moved just right, and much sooner than he wanted to Dan had to nudge him off to stop him from finishing him off. “Can we try last year again?”

“Are you sure you want to?” Phil sat up on his heels. He needed no further explanation; he knew what Dan meant.

“Yeah. I want to try, at least.”

“I don’t want to say something stupid, but as it didn’t work last time, are you sure you really want it? Don’t do it for me, I’m doing perfectly fine without it.”

“No, yes, I mean- I really want it. I do. I’m just scared of the pain.”

“I’ll go very slow. The moment it doesn’t feel nice you give me a shout and I stop or take a step back, okay?”

“Okay.” Dan breathed.

The two of them kicked off their boxers, Dan pulling Phil back down for a quick kiss, but neither of them had much patience for a make out session knowing what was on the table now.

Phil had lube at the ready, spreading it on his fingers and pressing soft butterfly kisses to Dan’s abdomen as his hand moved down. Dan closed his eyes. He felt more vulnerable than he ever had before. He was clutching at the sheets, but Phil carefully took one of his hands in his and said in a hushed tone, “Squeeze my hand. Let me know if I do something wrong.”

He kissed Dan’s thigh while he pushed a finger in. Dan made a sound and Phil’s movements stilled, but he squeezed his hand, urging him to go on.

He took it slow. Like he promised. He gave Dan time to adjust before putting a second finger in, and eventually let go of Dan’s hand to tease his dick a bit, moving up and down in excruciatingly slow strokes. His whole body was on fire, feelings things he’d never felt before.

Eventually, after what felt like forever, Phil called him back to attention by pulling his fingers out and putting both hands on his hips, “You doing okay?”

“Yeah.”

“I think you’re well enough prepared, if you’re still up for it.”

“I am.”

“Okay.”

Dan’s eyes followed Phil as he hopped off the bed and got a condom from his suitcase. He tore open the wrapper and rolled the condom onto himself with practised fingers, putting some extra lube on himself after. The actions of someone who’d done this before and knew the pitfalls.

“Okay?”

Dan nodded. His throat was slightly closed up with nerves, but as Phil settled in between his legs he felt no urge to move away. Rather, he felt an impatient pull in his stomach, his dick twitching at the thought of what was about to happen.

The moment Phil’s tip grazed his entrance Dan closed his eyes and let his head fall back. He focused on relaxing, aided by Phil’s soothing hand on his side, rubbing circled into his skin with his thumb. Being filled up felt weird, and it just kept coming until finally he felt Phil bottom out. He was given a few moments to adjust, catch his breath, which he took reluctantly. He wanted to move on. Desperate already even though he only had to wait a few seconds.

“Go.” He muttered hoarsely.

Phil started slow. A practice run.

His hands were firmly holding on to Dan’s hips as he started speeding up little by little. Every time his hips touched against Dan and he was fully filled up, Dan let out a shaky breath. He had no idea how long Phil was going to last, but he didn’t think he had a lot of time in him. His dick was aching to be touched but he knew he’d come very quickly if he gave into the urge.

“How are you doing?” Phil asked. The question came out breathily, the words clearly an effort to utter.

“Good. Too good, maybe.” Phil gave him a questioning look, but Dan took a few seconds to recover before he continued, “I’m getting close.”

“Me too.”

“Touch me.” There was nothing in him that could muster up even the slightest bit of politeness. Phil didn’t need any. His hand reached down, and fingers wrapped firmly around him. It only took a few firm strokes in time with his hips to make Dan emit a desperate little sound and come all over his own belly. Phil followed shortly after, pushed over the edge by Dan’s muscles contracting around him.

Dan flinched when Phil pulled out. He felt overstimulated and sore, but completely satisfied. It was a tired, content kind of satisfaction, making him want to finally curl up and go to sleep. “What time is it?” He whispered, following Phil’s movements as the other went into the bathroom through half-closed eyes.

“Nearing half eleven.”

Dan laughed as much as his sleepy state allowed him to and closed his eyes fully, “I usually don’t go to sleep for another two hours or so.”

“We can go to sleep now, if you want.” Phil’s voice came from the other room.

“Hmm, up to you.”

Phil returned, putting his underwear back on and slipping back under the covers with Dan, “If we go to sleep now we’ll have loads of time together tomorrow. I’m not leaving till the evening. If you want that, of course.”

That woke Dan up. He opened his eyes and raised his head, but Phil had turned the light off and the room was dark. “Of course I want that.”

“Okay. Okay. Sleep now, then. We’ll have a lot of time tomorrow.”

Dan turned around, picking his underwear off the floor and wiggling into them under the duvet. When he was done, Phil crawled up beside him and wrapped his arms around him from behind. “This okay?” He asked. His warm breath stroked along Dan’s neck, making his skin raise into goosebumps.

“Yeah.” He whispered back.

He fell asleep with Phil’s arms tightly wrapped around him, soothed by his even breathing against his skin.

When Dan woke up Phil was still fast asleep. He snuck out from under his arm and tiptoed to the bathroom, where it still smelt like fruit and mint or whatever the bath bomb had been. After peeing Dan put a bit of Phil’s toothpaste in his mouth and sloshed it around for a bit; it would have to do.

“Morning.” He was greeted by Phil, lying on his back with one arm thrown over his face to protect his eyes from the sunlight, when he walked back into the bedroom.

“Morning.”

“Want to order some room service and chill in bed while we eat?”

“Sounds good.” He leant down and kissed the top of Phil’s head without really thinking, not realising himself until he met the other’s eyes. Phil pulled him down with a hand on the back of his neck and pecked his lips.

They ordered room service on the hotel website, Dan getting pancakes and Phil some vegan waffles. While they waited for it to arrive Dan got dressed, splashing some water in his face and attempting to bring his hair to some kind of order. He startled when he felt hands touching his belly. Phil had appeared behind him, wrapping his arms around Dan’s waist and now resting his chin on his shoulder. “What do you want to do today?”

“Anything. I wouldn’t mind staying in and just hanging out.”

“What, just talking, getting to know each other?” Dan asked. It was meant as a joke, but when Phil shrugged he nodded, “Alright, sure.”

They ate their breakfast sat cross-legged on the big double bed. Soft Christmas music played on the TV as they started chatting, carefully at first but quickly becoming more free in their questions and stories.

In the middle of one of his stories Phil suddenly called his dad ‘Mr Lester’, bringing the hand that was just about to put a bite of pancake into Dan’s mouth to an abrupt halt. Phil hadn’t noticed, his lively storytelling not stuttering for even a second.

But Dan had a name.

He had a full name to plug into the Google search bar rather than just the name of the ballet company. He wasn’t sure whether to try his absolute hardest to forget it as soon as possible, or whether to save it to his long-term memory and tattoo it onto his brain.

At about half two, when Phil was lying flat on his back with Dan’s head resting on his belly, both staring at the ceiling and half at the other’s hands gesturing in the air as they spoke, Dan’s phone started ringing. They both raised their heads, disturbed.

It was Eleanor. A picture of her and Dan as little kids in a playpark illuminated the screen.

“El?”

“Danny-boy, where are you?”

“Uh…” Dan glanced over to the bed, where Phil had grabbed his own phone and was scrolling through some missed messages.

“I told your mum you’re hanging out with a mate, but I can’t hold her off forever.”

Fuck. Christmas crafts.

“I hadn’t realised the time.”

It was quiet on the other end for a moment, “Bring him.” She said finally.

“No, it’s okay, I’ll come back.”

“Really, Dan, bring him.”

It was a weird crossroad to be at. He had 24 hours with Phil, but he also had a best friend and a mum waiting for their Christmas tradition, and he’d already let them down by being late. Last year in November he’d been at the same fork in the road, he realised, and he’d made the wrong decision then. He’d chosen Rosie over Eleanor and he still hated himself for that. It was clear-cut, really.

“I’m sorry for forgetting the time, I’ll be over as soon as I can. Get the crafts ready, I’m feeling the creative juices flowing.”

Eleanor laughed, the sound sending a relieved warmth to Dan’s heart. “Alright, alright. See you soon. Love you.”

“Love you, too.” When Dan turned back to the bed he wasn’t sure how to break the news. He bit his lip and sat down, awkwardly.

“You have to go?” Phil asked.

“I have a Christmas tradition with my mum and my best friend. It’s bad enough that I forgot about it.”

“It’s okay,” Phil nodded. His smile said that he meant it, “My bus leaves at ten, we can have dinner together if you want?”

“I’d love that, yes.”

“Meet me at the hotel entrance at seven?”

“Definitely.”

“Okay, all good. Have a good day, Dan.”

Dan bit the inside of his cheek. This was the right thing to do, and he was looking forward to crafts, as he did each year, but this still felt bittersweet.

When Phil opened his arms he happily fell into them, “I’m sorry.” He said.

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it. The day after is not usually a part of our tradition, after all.”

“I know, but it would’ve been nice.”

“Yeah, it would’ve been.”

Eleanor hugged him when he came in. Her arms were familiar and welcoming, and decidedly not upset with him. “How was your day, huh?”

He grinned, “Most excellent, thanks for asking.”

“I want to hear all about it. As soon as we’re not with your mum anymore, that is.”

“Are you kidding? You know about my thing, I want to hear about your night.” She winked at him and spun on her heel, walking to the living room. “Eleanor, you bitch, you can’t do this to me.”

“I can, and I will.”

“Dan, there you are! Did you have a good time with your friend?”

“Oh yeah, it was lovely.” Dan said, doing his best to hide the grin on his face that was mirrored by his best friend to his left.

Eleanor, always right beside him.

Scrolling was a bit more difficult than usual after the Glue Accident, but Eleanor managed it as she showed Dan Facebook pictures of a boy with blonde curls and a toned dancer’s body. They’d done two hours of crafts with Dan’s mum and then quickly retreated to Dan’s room with two steaming mugs of hot chocolate, now stood forgotten on the bedside table.

Cam seemed nice enough, but it was clear that Eleanor didn’t care much for his niceness: he’d given her his number at the end of the night, but when Dan asked her if she’d put it into her phone she said she didn’t even remember where she put the note. The night had but a content grin on her face that was enough for now. A reminder that she still had it and that Nicola was a stupid idiot who was missing out, like Dan had been telling her for the past couple of months.

“So, what about you? Why were you still with him?”

“He’s here all day. Not leaving till nine tonight.”

“Wait, you were going to spend the day with him?”

“Yeah.”

“He’s still here?” With every word she was sitting up a bit straighter.

“Yeah.”

“Then what are you doing here?”

“Bros before hoes. Mums before- I don’t know- bums? You know what I mean.”

“Okay, crafts over. Go back to him, God. Your mum and I will still be here tonight and tomorrow and all the time after that.”

Dan was quiet for a moment. “El,” He said then, softly, “I’m sorry about last November.”

He didn’t need to explain what he meant. She gave him a sad smile and a playful push against the shoulder that meant more than it led on, “I know.”

“I really am. I shouldn’t have prioritised Rosie over you, and that was so fucking dumb of me.”

“Yeah, you were an idiot. Still are, really.” Eleanor agreed.

Dan grinned, “Yeah, alright, alright, calm down.”

“You deserve it though.” She said, laughing along. Her hand, still on his shoulder, shook him gently, “Go. It’s okay, we’ll hang out tonight and watch Home Alone. After he’s left.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. You came to crafts, thank you.”

“I wouldn’t have wanted to miss it.” He scrambled to his feet and kissed the top of her head. “Love you.”

“Love you, too, idiot.” She shook her head at him as he left the room.

It was six o’clock when he made it into the hotel lobby and the realisation that he had no way of getting upstairs or contacting Phil to let him in. He stood, probably suspiciously, next to the check-in desk for just a little too long, before his stupid foggy brain finally thought of something to do.

“El?”

“Why are you calling me? Go have sex or something.” She whispered the last part, probably still at his house, near his mum.

“I don’t have his phone number. Can you see if you can find Cam’s and ask him for Phil’s number for me?”

“Really? You want me to ask a guy I slept with last night for one of his friends’ phone numbers? Do you want me to break the guy’s heart?”

“Tell him it’s a gay emergency.”

“A gay emergency, huh?”

Dan’s face flushed red, “At this point, I can’t really deny anything anymore, you know?”

“You’re gay?”

“Oh my god, this is not what I called you for, El.”

“I know.”

“I’m not gay. I’m just- not straight. Bi, maybe.”

“I’ll find Cam’s number. Tell him it’s a bi emergency.”

“You’re an angel.”

“Yeah, and you’re so lucky to have me.”

After they hung up the phone Dan spent another couple of awkward minutes hanging around the check-in desk, giving the lady behind it a nod that he hoped was reassuring and friendly.

Just before his standing around started going from ‘weird’ to ‘scary’, Eleanor texted him. Just a string of numbers. Presumably Phil’s phone number. Phil Lester’s phone number.

What was he even supposed to say? What did you put in a first text to someone you’d known for two years but had only really seen three times?

Hey, it’s Dan. I’m back at the hotel if you want to hang out now? Am in the lobby.

His finger hovered over the ‘send’ button, and after a glance at the clock – twenty past six – he pressed it.

The lady behind the desk was really starting to give him looks now, so he moved to near the lifts, which was maybe even more suspicious. Thankfully, a minute or two later, one of the lifts opened and Phil appeared, now dressed in some casual jeans and a T shirt. “Hey.”

“Hey.”

“How were your crafts?”

“Excellent, I’m a master.”

“I’m sure you are. Want to go straight to the restaurant?”

“Sure. Where are we going?”

“Well, it just so happens that I know of an exquisite Pizza Hut around the corner.”

“Hm, really? How did you become acquainted with it?”

“Ah well, I just Google Maps-ed it a minute and a half ago.”

It was a short walk. Five minutes, maybe. Dan felt some weird sense of pride walking next to Phil, boasting with the cute guy he’d managed to get to… take him on a date? He wasn’t sure what this was, until fingertips touched his hand palm and fingers intertwined with his. He glanced to his side and the two boys made eye contact, grinning at each other, each content with what had just occurred between them.

Dan’s secondary school had had a pizza hut right around the corner, meaning he was very, very closely acquainted with how things worked in there. Phil, who’d been on a ballet diet most of his life, had only stepped foot inside a Pizza Hut maybe three times, had no idea what was going on from the moment he walked in.

“The salad bar is free?” He asked quietly, “Dan,” he did a little jog to catch up with the other, “Dan, it’s free?”

“Yeah. The bacon bits are vegan, too.”

“The bacon bits?”

Dan was enjoying being the one with more experience on something for once, albeit with the workings of a cheap pizza place.

He didn’t need to look at the menu, knowing his order by heart. Amusedly, he watched Phil study his options with his finger tracing the letters as he read them. “Is this one any good?”

“What, the pan? Sure. I’m a classic fan though.”

“I think I’ll be adventurous and get a pan.”

After they’d ordered Dan got some more entertainment from watching Phil squint at the salad bar options, carefully picking up some tomatoes and then loading up on bacon bits. “You’re sure?” He asked, by which time it was already far too late to dump the whole lot back into the bowl.

“Yeah, they’re vegan. My friend who’s vegan has them all the time.”

“Okay.”

Phil made the classic mistake of overloading on the salad bar, so he couldn’t finish his pizza. Dan gladly made use of this by eating the last 3 slices.

The boundaries had been moved, and for some reason instead of making it more awkward, as it had been before when they weren’t sure where the lines were drawn, they spoke more easily and fluently. Phil even opened up about his childhood, and how he’d started dancing.

Dan had to try his best to not stare at him fondly, leaning his head on one hand, while he listened.

It was a quarter to eight. They had exactly an hour and fifteen minutes to get Phil’s stuff packed up and get him on the bus, yet the moment they left Pizza Hut, they headed in the exact opposite direction of the hotel.

Their fingers were intertwined, hands swinging between them as they walked.

They got ice cream at a place Dan loved, sitting outside on a freezing December night despite the odd looks they were getting. By the end of it Dan couldn’t feel his tongue, but it was worth it to see the happy smile on Phil’s face, and the way his cheeks had gone red and rosy from the cold air.

Eventually they had to reluctantly make their way back to the hotel. Hand in hand once again.

Dan watched him throw his things into the suitcase on the floor and zip it up with the effortless movements of someone who’d done this many times before.

“I’ll see you next year?” Dan asked. He felt hope and hurt burning in his heart at once.

“I’ll be here. I hope you will be, too.”

“I’ll see if I can find the time to pop by.” Dan said. A weak attempt at a joke while he felt like a small part of him had just been zipped up into a suitcase headed north.

Downstairs by the bus, the other dancers greeted Dan like a friend with pats on the back and smiling nods. “See you next year, Dan.” One of them told him.

A fair assertion, or so Dan hoped.

#phan #phanfic #phanfiction #fanfic #fan fiction #fanfiction #phan au #ballet au #phan smut

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