#i desperately wish humans had some sort of telepathy so i could just share whatever im experiencing | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

luckydicekirby · 5 years

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Hello yes I would like a dvd commentary on a history of partings thanks

Well first of all obviously this story was mainly written to cause you specifically pain, so jot THAT down. Mostly I really wanted like, a good long Alyosha/Arrell backstory and like…no one else was gonna write it…not even Austin…so alas this burden fell to me. I have toyed with the idea of writing Arrell’s version of this but god, it would be so depressing.

Anyway! Here’s the mind meld scene, you’re welcome.

Story here!

Later–a few hours or days, I was not sure–I awoke, feverish, to see you bent over me, your hands clasped tight around one of mine. I thought for a moment that you were casting a spell, but I quickly realized that in fact you were murmuring the words of a prayer, so quiet I could barely make them out.

Arrell PRAYING as the obvious Oh Geez Things Are Bad marker, of course.

I still don’t know whether that moment was a dream, a conjured fantasy of mine: the idea that I could be the only thing you would dare to have faith for. But, figment or not, your prayer worked, and the next time I awoke my mind was clear once again. You weren’t there. I spared a moment to be upset before I heard you speak, clear as if you were standing in front of me: I went out to get food. I’ll be back soon, Alyosha. And underneath your words I could hear a heartbeat, running much quicker than my own. My mouth tasted acrid. I stood up shakily to drink some water, but the bitterness on my tongue remained. I realized, as my breathing began to pick up, that it was your fear.

This was a scene I really wanted to get into this fic because I do really love the idea that Arrell is just….Deeply Afraid, all the time. And like it does not excuse what an unforgivable jerk he is! But it does make me really sad. My capacity to be sad about jerks truly is boundless.

You had used this spell on me once or twice before, although never for long. Once so that I could run an errand for you, to choose the right book from a large stock that a merchant carried. Another time so that I could give you directions to a particular bakery I wanted you to buy my favorite rolls from. A third time on a rare occasion when we travelled together, to ensure that neither of us became lost. Simple and frivolous things like that. But it did not work the way that it should. You had explained it to me: this spell was meant for simple communication between minds. And any other time you used it, that was how it worked. But between us, our thoughts bled together like cheap ink on paper, and nothing you did could stop it.

Dungeon World: Yeah so telepathy is just like, a normal telepathy spell that works to send messages, nothing weird here!

Me: Okay but what if it was a fucked up involuntary mind meld thing in this specific instance? You know just for fun?

Anyway, I think them using telepathy so Alyosha could give him directions to a bakery is really cute. Nothing is more romantic than bread! Just ask Hella.

The mystery and intimacy of it bothered you and delighted me. But you never agreed to test it further, to discover precisely why this spell worked differently when you used it on me, rather than anyone else.

Arrell obviously being like. Can’t let my boyfriend read my mind he might find out about the oncoming heat death of the universe, and actually try to help me with that! God I hate him.

I let the subject drop. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable, and clearly to share your thoughts so closely with me did. I tried not to blame you for that. It was a normal thing, to dislike such claustrophobic intimacy, even with me.

And I knew why it was different. I could feel it, in the press of your heart against mine.

Aside from it being this way for Narrative Purposes, I do think being in love making your telepathy spell too intimate by default IS romantic.

But you hated that closeness, and I could not blame you for it–you, who believed so fervently in the separateness of humanity from one another. I have never agreed with you in that, but I could only respect the belief you held so tightly.

WE’RE MOSAICS MISSING EMBELLISHMENTS, ARRELL!! BITCH!!

I sat back down on my bed and closed my eyes, and I thought about what you had done. You had not wanted me to wake up alone, and so you opened a connection between us, something you hated desperately.

I let that knowledge settle into my gut over your anxiety, and I waited for you to return, content that for just a small moment, we were closer to one person than two.

Oh yeah I forgot I put the Plato soulmates story earlier in this fic…Alyosha is really into the idea of two people being so connected they’re one person, which sure means he should’ve picked a different boyfriend. Or maybe he is that way because he has such a standoffish on again-off- again boyfriend! fun to contemplate.

You returned with two covered dishes, and set them down with a clatter on the table before you came to me. You fell to your knees before me, hands on my thighs, your head bowed. You said my name, ragged.

“I’m all right. I promise you I’m all right.” I ran my hand through the short bristly hair at the back of your neck. I could see your back shaking. I could feel inside my head the sobs you were not letting escape. “Tutor, please, look at me.”

You did. I’d never seen you look so scared, not in the years and years we had known each other. And I could feel it, too. Fear for my well-being, fear that you would be left alone, fear that soon enough we would all be gone–

“Tutor,” I said, fear clawing at my throat, tears stinging at my eyes. I bent over you, pressed my lips to the crown of your head, my loose hair falling around us, sealing us off from the rest of the world. If I could just protect you from the dark–

The tail end of these paragraphs being Arrell’s thoughts bleeding into Alyosha’s, and getting really close to letting Alyosha know about the H&D. I do really love coming up with situations where characters thoughts can bleed together–this happens in the aly/arr/hadrian fic too (thanks, dungeon world spell Cage, which does explicitly allow mind-reading) and the vanven fic. I just think it’s neat!

I felt you raise your hand and wave it in the air, a dismissive gesture, ending the spell. All at once the fear ebbed, a tide returning to sea, and I could breathe again. I gasped and sat back.

And of course the moment Alyosha starts to get a sense of what exactly Arrell is scared of, Arrell is like oh shit, let’s NOT do that. I mean also because he was low-key giving Alyosha a panic attack.

“What–Tutor, I don’t understand–”

Your hands gripped my knees tightly, hard enough that I could feel your nails biting into my skin. “I thought that I would come back and find you gone. That something I had done would be wrong, or something I didn’t do–”

“It was just a fever. I didn’t meant to scare you.” I wiped the tears from my eyes. “Do you always feel like that?”

“It’s nothing,” you said. Head bowed once again. Hiding your eyes.

Yes, he always feels like that. ugh Arrell SAY WHAT YOU MEAN

I couldn’t bear to force you to speak, though maybe then would have been the only time I could–you were already so cracked open before me. But I wanted to see you smile again. I wanted to take the fear from your eyes. I wanted to convince you I was alive. And this was the problem I could see, so I pulled you up by your forearms and folded you into my arms, my mouth pressed against your ear. “I’m here,” I said, over and over, and you clung to me, your tears hot against my neck.

Alyosha is such a good boyfriend and Arrell does NOT deserve him. Anyway, for Arrell to actually be crying you KNOW he must’ve been really fucked up. One supposes that dealing with the impending death of the universe is fine, but when you add ‘my boyfriend is really sick’ into the mix then it just becomes unmanageable.

Eventually you stood and dusted yourself off. The food you brought had gone cold, but we ate it together on the bed. Your eyes followed me as if magnetized, as if you couldn’t let me out of your sight. In time you returned to your duties, and I to mine, but for that long day we were simply together, not speaking much, basking in the surety of one another’s presence. I thought whatever darkness you so feared, we could act as one another’s lights. I thought we could stand against it, together. The sort of solutions children think of, that I have yet to grow out of. What creeping monster under a bed cannot be defeated by a light?

This is a sideway reference to one of the letters, where Alyosha talks about the prelate: “the sort of questions children ask.”

I talk about Alyosha/his beliefs in terms of light a lot, both in this fic and others–I mean obviously it’s a good set up in opposition to the Heat and the Dark, and a Samothes thing, but also I think because it reflects like, a kind of simplicity of faith that he has. How do you defeat great evil? Well, with light. Alyosha loves Kingdom Hearts, is what I’m saying. Or he did before he got stuck in the forge!!

I think, even now, that there are still embers within you, Tutor, waiting to be stoked. I remember the way you held onto me so tightly, the naked fear in your eyes. You care so much. You always have, reluctant as you are to show it. I know you want to save us. To save me. But I wish you would give some thought to what will be left of yourself. You, too, deserve saving. Yes, Tutor; even now.

Ugh this shit is sad. Like I know I wrote it but it’s sad? I think I find Arrell so tragic because I truly do think he cares, for the world and for Alyosha. He’s just really bad at it.

anyway, the only other important part of this fic is the time Arrell falls off a horse, which he deserves.

#ask meme #suedeuxnim

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chasingthecosmos · 4 years

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Two Words to Keep

Fandom: Doctor Who Rating: T Pairing: The Doctor/Rose Tyler, Tenth Doctor/Rose Tyler Chapters: 14/16 Read on AO3 here.

“This new body was all about words, but in that moment, the Doctor found himself struggling to find the right ones to say. He knew already that there were really only five that he absolutely needed to tell her - five words that would change their lives forever.”

A (sort of) season re-write centering around the Doctor’s touch telepathy and the many inconvenient ways that it gets between him and his companion, Rose Tyler. This work is based around Season 2 and the Tenth Doctor. It’s a sequel to “A Hand to Hold”, but can also be read as a stand-alone. This is NOT going to be a Doomsday fix-it fic, but there will be a separate Journey’s End fix-it sometime in the future.

Chapter Fourteen: Fear Her

The Doctor and Rose never did end up having any sort of formal wedding ceremony (despite Jackie's many protests) - it simply wasn't something that either of them cared much about The Doctor did, however (under threat of incurring Jackie's wrath), make sure to center their next few adventures around planet Earth (plus or minus a few years from the present, depending on the TARDIS's fickle whims).

However, instead of getting front-row seats to the thirtieth Olympiad, as he had planned, they ended up with a bunch of missing children posters and a neighborhood filled with terrified people, where the Doctor suddenly found himself in the unique and dangerous position of both fearing the young, ominous Chloe Webber, and fearing for her.

The sheer, empty loneliness in the young girl's mind cut the Doctor deep and nearly stopped his breath as he gently sorted through the surface of her memories and quickly routed out the truth of what was going on. He watched with broken hearts as the Isolus within Chloe used her to draw its family in bright, vivid red for all to see. He could empathize with the creature's deep sense of loss - the Isolus had lost millions of brothers and sisters, while he, himself, had lost billions. He could only hope that perhaps he would be able to do better for the small, fledgling alien than he had for his own people ...

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Much later - after the Doctor had been forced to spend an inordinate amount of time trapped in the strange, imagination realm of a child, only to be pulled back into reality by his brilliant, beautiful bondmate a few hours later - the Doctor happily rejoiced for all of the lost things that had been found. Chloe Webber was back to a normal life with her mum, the Isolus had been reunited with its brothers and sisters, and he, himself, had Rose's mind solidly linked with his own once more, filling all of the empty spaces between his thoughts with love and peace and devotion.

The night was soured, however, by the twisting timelines that the Doctor couldn't seem to blink out of his eyes no matter how hard he tried. Even Rose's ever-present, confident optimism wasn't enough to ease his fears - not this time.

"Doctor, what did you mean by 'there's a storm approaching'?" she asked tentatively as they walked hand-in-hand back to the TARDIS under the colorful lights of the fireworks.

The Doctor sighed as he opened to door to his ship for her and fought to put all that he could see in the timelines into words. When he finally gave up on the endeavor, he settled for sending her an isolated mental snapshot of the great turmoil that he could sense up ahead (though he pointedly decided to leave out the great gap in their own timelines that seemed to loom just before them - he wasn't ready to admit that even to himself).

Rose's brow furrowed as she pondered over the image that he had revealed to her. The Doctor could sense her confused awe as she fought to make sense of the glowing gold threads of time. "Is this what you see all the time?" she finally asked, flashing him a weighted look out of the corner of her eye as he moved forward towards the familiar comfort of the TARDIS controls.

The Doctor shrugged noncommittally and murmured, "More or less, yeah."

"How do you even make sense of it all?" Rose sighed, shaking her head as she moved up to stand at his side. "There's just ... so much there."

The Doctor breathed a small huff of laughter as he shook his head at her in response. If he were still trying to push her away and keep her at arm's length, he might have casually reminded her of his "superior biology" or poked fun at her own species' lack of evolution, but they were both well past that - so instead he filled her mind with a wave of gentle affection and let her knew that he would never get tired of the way that she so easily asked questions and looked at the universe with such a sense of awe and wonder.

However, Rose didn't smile up at him or telepathically answer his mental touch the way that he was expecting her to. Instead, she simply stared down hard at the TARDIS controls and began to reach out and timidly test the bond between them.

"Rose?" the Doctor asked softly, his own brows drawing together as he watched her curiously.

"Doctor, have you ... have you been married before?" she finally asked, her gaze meeting his hesitantly, as though she had to force herself to do it.

The Doctor immediately felt everything inside of him tense the way that it usually did when he was going up against some sort of dangerous alien threat. His first instinct, of course, was to fall back into their old patterns of skirting around the truth and lie to her, but he knew that it was pointless to keep secrets from Rose - not anymore - and it would likely only hurt her even more.

So when he finally settled on the truth, the Doctor attempted to keep it as simple and factual as possible - just like his first marriage had been.

"Yes," he replied tersely as he met her gaze with steely resolve, "back on Gallifrey. It wasn't my choice, but marriages there rarely are. It was political in nature, nothing more than a title, really."

Rose nodded understanding and lowered her eyes, not quite managing to hide her insecure doubts from him in time before they snuck through across the bond.

The Doctor smiled down sadly at his perfect, amazing human girl who never really was very good at judging her own worth. Without hesitation, he pulled her closer with one arm wrapped loosely around her waist as he leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to her right temple.

None of that matters, though, Rose, he insisted silently as he buried his nose in her hair and revealed to her the well of love that he carried within him - all o fit exclusively and rightfully hers. This is what true marriage is, he reminded her, gently caressing the bond between them. And I've never shared this with anyone else (And never will, his own traitorous hearts added as an afterthought).

Rose sighed as she turned slightly into him, but she only brought one hand up to finger the lapels of his jacket instead of throwing both arms around him the way that he had wanted her to.

What about your kids? she asked silently.

Gone. With everyone else, the Doctor replied ruefully, his old hurt quietly aching like a big lump of scar tissue within his mind.

Rose did hug him, then - her arms finally winding up around his shoulders as she pressed hard kisses against his jaw and neck. Her own thoughts ached to know the depth and pain of his loss and his precious, amazing human girl wished desperately that she could somehow put it all back to rights for him again.

You're all that I need now, Rose, he insisted gratefully as he wrapped his own arms tightly around her middle and allowed himself the satisfaction of sinking deep into his bondmate's mind. And you're more than enough, he added as her thoughts turned towards insecurity once more and she began to doubt her own ability to fill such a giant, gaping wound.

"I'm not letting you go," Rose insisted quietly, her voice coming out muffled against his shoulder as she squeezed her arms tightly around him. "Whatever it was that you saw in those timelines, it doesn't matter. Nothing is going to tear us apart." I won't let it, she thought stubbornly.

The Doctor breathed out a small sigh as he buried his nose in her neck and silently begged, just this once, to be proven wrong.

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