#i do sometimes miss her..... (early 2010s tumblr) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

totallynotreadingatwork · 4 months

Text

Mini Book Reviews Again Again

Look I know I did one of these five minutes ago but I still have 20 books to get through here so bear with me okay.

Down Among the Dead Men by Peter Lovesey, book 15 of the Peter Diamond series - I don't normally read crime novels and this book reminded me why. It was a lot of police propaganda in places, a lot of nonsense in others, and overall just a bit boring. There was also a bit where someone being a lesbian was a major plot twist like??? what decade are we in??? (tbf it was written in 2015 but that's no excuse!). So yeah, didn't like this one much.

Days of Blood and Starlight by Laini Taylor, book 2 of the Daughter of Smoke and Bone series - Well, if I could marry a book series then this would be the one. It's beautifully crafted and beautifully written, and the worldbuilding in this one is incredible. I love the characters and the conflict and I can't quite articulate specifically how or why without giving too much away but seriously everyone should give this a go, I've even given it to my mum to read.

Starve Acre by Andrew Michael Hurley - Oh boy was that one weird. It's not very long, but it doesn't need to be. It was cool and creepy and ominous in so many ways, and I think it would be good for people who like more gothic horror than slasher horror. I'll never look at a hare the same way again. TW for off-screen child death though. Like almost the whole book is focused around a couple dealing with the loss of their son.

The Mark of Athena by Rick Riordan, book 3 of the Heroes of Olympus series - What can be said that hasn't been said already? Pretty sure all of Tumblr already knows that this man is a brilliant author and that these books are amazing so I'm not going to elaborate here.

Fractured by Teri Terry, book 2 of the Slated series - Very early 2010s dystopia but still very good. I really do very strongly believe that part of the reason these books never majorly blew up the way The Hunger Games and The Maze Runner did is because they're set in Britain, and obviously weren't marketed as much. I'm enjoying them a lot. They're not the very best things I've ever read in my life, but I would have devoured them as a teenager if I'd gotten around to reading them back then.

Forget Me Not by Alyson Derrick - Cute little lesbian love story. I enjoyed it well enough but it wasn't my favourite. It made me laugh in places, but I was never really invested in the relationship between the girls unfortunately. However, I was in a major reading slump at the time I read it, and was really stressed with work and life and stuff so maybe that was why I bounced off it.

Songbirds by Christy Lefteri - I'm not normally one for books that feel like they'd win a lot of awards (I like Blue Bloods for crying out loud!) but this one was very good indeed. I can't say I enjoyed it because the subject matter was really depressing, but it was very well written and had a lot to say about it's topic. It's about a live-in maid called Nisha who works for a woman in Cyprus but goes missing in chapter 1 and the rest of the book is her partner and her employer desperately trying to find her but struggling because basically no one else cares. It was a very powerful book in all honesty.

Rhosllannerchrugog, Johnstown, Ponciau, and Penycae: A Collection of Pictures by Dennis W. Gilpin - Just me out here reading some local history. Nothing that would really interest anyone who doesn't know the area, but it was fun to see places I know today as how they looked in the past.

The Dissolution of Valle Crucis Abbey by Derrick Pratt - Again, local history. It was a bit dry, as expected, but still fun to learn more about the local area.

Masquerade by Melissa De La Cruz, book 2 of the Blue Bloods series - Again, complete trash, but for some reason I love it. I think it's partially nostalgia because I first read these back in 2010 or so when I was 11 or 12 and loved them then, but sometimes I think it's because we all need something to just switch our brains off to. Some people like reality TV, some people like Ali Hazlewood, I like Blue Bloods. It's all the same.

The Ten Thousand Doors of January by Alix E. Harrow - This is one of those books that you get from the library and enjoy so much you immediately wan't to go out and buy your own copy of. Like I feel like I'm going to be incomplete if I don't have this book in my life forever. A truly beautiful world-hopping story about finding yourself and where you belong, and it has the 'book within a book' thing going on like in The Starless Sea by Erin Morgenstern. Can't say too much without giving it away, but it's very good and I recommend it.

Revelations by Melissa De La Cruz, book 3 of the Blue Bloods series - It's Armageddon time baby! No not really but there is a little bit of a reckoning. That all obviously comes secondary to the terrible romance thought because of course it does and that's what we're all here for anyway. It's still thoroughly problematic and off the wall, but hey, 2000s vampire novels were never going to be sensible. Cringe is dead give me more vampires.

The Van Alen Legacy by Melissa De La Cruz, book 4 of the Blue Bloods series - Oh look, more vampires! Originally, and for most of the year, I decided not to read too many books form the series too close to one another in case I got burnt out on the series, but Blue Bloods made me break that because I was having too much fun with them. I'm officially caught up to all the ones that were out when I first read the so form here on out I'm in uncharted territory. I'm hoping it's still all just as trashy.

The House of Hades by Rick Riordan, book 4 of the Heroes of Olympus series - Again, we all know Rick Riordan is god so I won't spend too much time on this one but I will say that I think that one is my favourite of the series. The bits in Tartarus are really well done and I still love all the characters and everyone on earth should read this book series.

The Dark Archive by Genevieve Cogman, book 7 of the Invisible Library series - This is the second to last book in the series so things are really ramping up here and getting everything in place for the finale, and it managed to do all that whilst also telling a satisfying contained story. We've got another new main character, the return of an old villain or two, and adventure to be had all round. I'm very much looking forward to the next book.

Ask the Passengers by A.S. King - Another lesbian romance one I didn't really enjoy. I think I'm getting too old for coming of age stories like this. Or maybe this one just wasn't very well written. It was okay for the most part, but I didn't like the love interest at all and it seemed a lot of the time that the main character didn't either, which isn't ideal for a romance. Also, there's a running thing where the main character will watch aeroplanes flying overhead and 'send her love' up to the passengers and then we'd cut to a passenger on the flight for a few pages as they magically feel overwhelmed with a sense of love that helps cure all their troubles or whatever and I thought that was silly and I didn't like it. Not the worst thing I've ever read though.

The Blood of Olympus by Rick Riordan, book 5 of the Heroes of Olympus series - A cracking finale, even if I do still find the fight with Gaia a little anticlimactic. I love getting to hear from Reyna and Nico for the first time; they're some of my favourite characters. Honestly just a 10/10 series.

#books & reading #mini book review #down among the dead men #days of blood and starlight #starve acre #the mark of athena #fractured #forget me not #songbirds #masquerade #the ten thousand doors of january #revelations #the van alen legacy #the house of hades #the dark archive #ask the passengers #the blood of olympus

0 notes

strelitziareginaee · 5 months

Text

MEET THE MUN!

name — Ghost/Ghosty

pronouns — she/her

preferred comms — Discord (Ask for Discord!) and Tumblr IMs

name of muse —

Main Muse: Strelitzia Side Muse: Cinderella

experience in RP — A long time. I've been rping since the Myspace days! Then I bounced around a lot. Left Tumblr for a few years and recently came back.

best experiences — I used to be a part of the Kingdom Hearts community back when Tumblr was really thriving (in the early 2010's), when rping in groups rather than independently was a big thing. I roleplayed Vanitas and made some really awesome friends in that group! We called ourselves the KH Crack Crew, lol. We would all talk every day on Skype! Those were good times and sometimes I still think about all of them. We just sort of drifted apart when we started to explore other fandoms, and yeaaaaa.... I still miss my KHCC squad sometimes, though we're all still friends on Facebook!

pet peeves / dealbreakers — Godmodding. I can't stand it. Even if it's something as small as assuming what my character is going to do next. If you want to have the scene go a certain way, there's a way you can write it and if my character does deviate from your original plan, you can take the story elsewhere. That's what can make rp really fun! The only times I'm willing to let it slide is in drabbles, lol.

My other pet peeve is taking what my character does way too personally outside of character. Like, ya'll know this is fake, right? lmao. At the end of the day, we're just writing our silly little characters in our silly little worlds. If it's ruining your day that badly, please go outside and touch some grass.

muse preference ( fluff, angst, smut ) — So I'm actually a huge sucker for romance plots. Romance, fluff, smut, slice of life. Also omegaverse, hehehe. I'm also a huge historical romance nut (think Bridgerton, lol)!

I've sort of moved on from fandom muses and now focus more on OC's (I really only rp on Discord these days, and 9/10 times it's M/M. I do have a F/F historical romance plot that I adore rn tho). Strelly and Cindy are the first muses I've picked up in years, and started rping on Tumblr again. So sometimes I feel rusty playing an established character I didn't make myself. But I'm trying! 〒▽〒 Anyways, give me that romantic nasty shit!! And make it gay as hell!!

plot or memes — Both! I think it's fun to meme and get into a character's mind that you normally wouldn't get a chance to play out. Or just being silly gooses. But I'm also down for always plotting and making something deep and personal!

long or short replies — Either, or! It depends on the plot, the situation that's happening in the story, or what length my rp partner sends me. I'm pretty good about matching the length of a partner's. Unless I got nothing else to say, then it'll be on the shorter side. Like, if our characters are just chatting and there's no action involved, of course it's going to be short.

best time to write — In the mornings! I do rp replies in between slow periods at work. I work from home, so I can get away with it, lol. Which is why you'll see me online for a good part of the day. It's also when I have the most energy. I'm an early bird and I'm burnt out by the time the evening rolls around. Sometimes I can write in the evenings, but that's very rare. So I try to knock out as much as I can in the mornings.

I'm rarely RARELY available on the weekends. That's when I'm the busiest~

are you like your muse —

I'd say yes. Although I don't have a green thumb like Strelitzia. I can't keep plants alive for the life of me. I have a lot self doubts like her too, and I struggle to make friends since I'm incredibly shy and struggle to connect with others on a personal level. ಥuಥ Me and Strelly be fighting for our lives out here!

Cinderella though, I resonate with her a lot. I grew up in a household where I was the cleaner and cook, and I just... know exactly how she feels, LOL.

tagged by: No one! Stolen from Litoredeem. Tagging: Feel free to steal!

#{; ooc prompt ;}#{; dashboard meme ;}#{; just a little way to introduce myself to you all uwu ;}

1 note · View note

ginkgomoon · 3 years

Text

Gavin and MC’s High School History- Detailed Timeline

Dedicated to my amazing and kind friend @cheri-cheri- one of the Queens of the MLQC fandom on Tumblr! I literally didn’t know how to use it before but I had learnt how in order to keep up with her posts. Without her work, I literally wouldn’t be on here making my own blog either. Thank you, Cheri!!

This is a timeline following the years of high school that MC and Gavin had together. Compiled of dates, rumours and secrets, calls, texts, and other from multiple servers. The source will be shown allocated to its corresponding sentence. I created this because I was really moved when I rewatched Gavin’s Old Days Date and suddenly thought of the many things other players could have missed out on regarding their high school years. If there is anything you need clarification on, or if you would like to add anything in, feel free to send a post/ask or just comment and I’ll try to incorporate and adjust accordingly!

Based off of true correspondence of the Chinese education system in Shanghai, where the schools there are very strict, with specific responsibilities and events students must have and attend to. In addition, this is different from Western school systems where years 7-9 are in a seperate schools from years 10-12 before university. Dates and seasons mentioned will also be noted as accurately as possible to suit the Loveland storyline in which different events occurred. I felt like a detective trying to piece a fractured storyline together to solve a mystery, honestly...

Prepare your tissues, your milk tea and your soul because even I almost didn’t make it to publish this...

Timeline

2008

Gavin enters high school.

2009

MC and Minor enter high school. MC does her hair in a nice ponytail, one of the only hairstyles she ever had in school.

Gavin is a grade above her. He is in his last year of high school. [Spring Festival Date]

Late Autumn of October 2010

“I noticed who you were before you ever noticed me.”

On a rainy first day of school, Gavin helps Mr Keller move the tables and chairs in the classroom.

Without taking an umbrella, Gavin leaves.

At the same time, MC saves a cat in the rain with her handkerchief, attempting to shield it from the incoming rain under a roof. She gives it snacks from her bag while sheltering it from the rain.

Gavin thinks she was nerdy-looking, but couldn't take his eyes off her and watches her from a distance for a long time. He feels out of place standing.

She looks back at him in astonishment, not knowing how long he stood for.

She smiles at Gavin.

Gavin notes that MC’s smile just like her eyes, were pure and comforting as they start filling his vision.

The rain starts to get heavier and MC shivers.

Something stirred in Gavin’s heart as he notices this, and kicks a can in frustration then shelters her with his jacket.

He runs away as MC shouts, “thank you!”

She didn’t know it was Gavin who gave her his jacket at the time.

MC goes back and is then told by her fellow classmates that the boy she encountered was the “tyrant school bully”, and “the Underworld Senior Gavin”, and that she should stay away from him. [Tilted Time- Rumours and Secrets]

MC finds piano dull to play the same songs over and over again.

MC in her spare time practices and sings to Liszt’s Liebestraum No. 3 (Love Dream) for a talent show.

At the rooftop, Gavin is wounded by a gangster’s knife. A gradually intensifying melody is heard.

Gavin kicks the gangster boss but then is pursued again. Outnumbered, wounded and losing consciousness due to major blood loss, the gangster boss kicks Gavin off the roof.

Gavin reaches out, to something- anything.

A heavy, surging melody sounded, transcending through time and allows Gavin to reflect on his past- to his father, to his late mother, and invokes deep reflection and epiphanies.

Heavy notes seep into Gavin’s ears as he almost hits rock bottom. He feels his limbs emerging with the wind and awakens his wind evol.

Gavin is now reborn.

The music continued to play. Gavin ends up humming with a bird.

He then hears MC’s singing.

MC stops, mesmerised by the ginkgo leaves flying through the wind. The ginkgo leaves falling was her favourite time of the year in high school. This vivid sight is still engraved in her memory after many years.

Gavin vows to protect her for the rest of his life. [Campus Date]

Gavin saved Minor from bullies.

Minor also happens to be MC’s outgoing, talkative desk mate who sometimes helped old ladies cross the street. How he managed to hang around Gavin and not get beaten up, nobody knew (except us). He would often copy MC’s homework but never dragged her down with him if he got caught. This was MC’s biggest impression of him.

During science class, MC cooked noodles for Minor on the Bunsen burner when he was hungry. The recipe was Shrimp flavoured instant noodles, mix two eggs in well, then add a dab of sea salt and black pepper. [S1 Chapter 7-1]

Gavin is always at the school gates at 7:30am. Carrying his flat school bag, he orders fish balls at the snack kiosk on the north side of the school. It was the third day in a row that Minor notices this. [Minor’s Memory Book]

Gavin would occasionally travel around on his bicycle. (Pre-debut Sparky??) He says he was good at riding it. [Lost Love Date]

It was hard to find Gavin as he’s rarely at school, so she didn’t see him until 3 days later when MC went to the library at sunset.

She tries to retrieve “Byron’s Poetry Collection” from the top of a 2-metre shelf, and since Gavin was a head taller, he was able to help her get it.

He musters up the introduction that he recited many times- but MC quickly thanks him and leaves before he could speak.

Minor notices Gavin watching after MC and that he was SMIL-ING.

He helps him locate MC and reports that every day after school she would go to the library for afternoon revision, always sitting in the same seat.

Gavin sat at a corner not far, quietly flipping through textbooks he hated. People who were reading in the library would be driven away because they were scared of him LOL

MC would then leave at 5pm sharp to go back home.

Gavin commits to walking back 10 metres behind her with Minor every day on forward. [CN Tilted Time Rumours and Secrets]

Gavin saves Minor from bullies again. Minor dedicates himself to be his “bro”.

He finds out that MC is an honours student, but doesn’t know that she’s the school orchestra leader. [Mystery Wings Event] and [Mark Date] However, he does know that she’s renowned as the “campus belle/ school flower”.

Minor idly mentions that more people were giving MC love letters.

Gavin tells Minor to collect all the people who were planning to confess their love to MC. Minor doesn’t want to be wingman anymore HAHA

Gavin stared those boys down as they trembled with fear. He tells them to take them back and if they scare her, he’ll make them regret it.

Minor realises Gavin’s feelings for MC. [Minor’s Memory Book]

MC eats from a small stall outside the school gate selling red bean puffs. ($3 for one, $5 for two. What a deal!)

She also encounters the stall that sells sugar figurines [Gift of Life- Sugar Figurine Call]

MC ate chocolate sticks often at school. It's also a memory of student life for Gavin, as well. [CN 2021 March Sign-In Taste of Happiness]

Students would scramble for the small swing set in the school garden. MC never went at lunch breaks, but she watches the sunset on it after school. Gavin is sometimes nearby. MC never noticed him, but she does however notice the ginkgo leaves dancing in the wind. [Mini House Small Happening- Leisure Time]

Gavin isn’t his usual self anymore. He sees MC out in the library everyday and starts reading “5 Years of College Examinations and 3 Years of Sample Questions” (book for colleague entrance examinations).

MC watches a basketball match at school. She calls someone from an away team “dashing” because they won with a dunk. This has been engraved in Gavin’s memory ever since. [Dreamers Date]

Gavin found out that he was very fond of basketball success stories, rushing into the court to try hundreds of shots after. He writes “I will beat you” beside Sakuragi Hanamichi from a Slam Dunk poster alongside “not a step back”.

(Slam Dunk starts out with a boy wanting to play basketball to impress his crush.)

Gavin then injures his head badly :(

He realises that basketball couldn’t help him to protect anything he wanted. He determines that he will do whatever it takes (to “beat” himself”). [Mystery Wings Event]

Gavin leans against a tree as he watches MC hurry down the corridor as she clutches a textbook. [Boundary Rumours and Secrets]

MC would eat pocky. Gavin would eat them too. [2021 March Sign-In Moments]

MC faints during a sports meet because she didn’t eat breakfast.

Gavin hurries to carry her to the infirmary. [CN Delightful Search Date]

He leaves bread and milk before she wakes up.

MC is on duty during PE class, which happens to be on basketball.

Minor was careless about his aim and the ball almost hit her in the head. Gavin slams the ball away. [Minor’s Memory Book]

Gavin glares at Minor as MC thanks him.

Minor also “accidentally” pushes MC towards him.

Gavin glares again.

Gavin later is continuously shooting hoops.

MC returns late at night to clean up the gym but all had been returned neatly in the basket. MC wanted to thank him but couldn’t. [CN Basketball Court Date]

There was a school sports competition that they attended. Gavin participated in the 10 lap race and came first by an impressive large measure. [Minor’s Memory Book]

MC participates in the sprint race, too. Gavin is worried about her performance, and if she would faint again.

Gavin requests Minor to take a photo of her on his phone (which probably ended up as the photo that he carried with him in his early days at special training where the other men teased him about hiding a photo of a girl.)

Approaching the End of October

Gavin, Minor and MC are walking home.

The weather is cold, and Gavin notices MC shivering in the distance. Gavin, conflicted by this, tells Minor to buy MC a hot drink without telling her that it was from him. [CN Tilted Time Rumours and Secrets]

MC would occasionally spot a hot drink or a carton of strawberry milk in the piano room. [Chapter 31-12]

Gavin one day is conflicted by their early exchange, recalling how MC looks startled at the entrance of the library after seeing each other. His spirit depletes, kicking himself (metaphorically) in the corner of the classroom at how he might have scared her.

Minor rushes in with a pink bandaid from MC for the wound at his mouth.

He carefully took that bandaid, treating it as if it was his world’s most precious treasure.

This pink bandaid was always taped on his heart and whenever he stepped into the swamp-like darkness of the night, it gave off a faint warmth. [Mystery Wings Event]

MC starts to notice Gavin everywhere. At the corners of windows, she would see his figure. At the library, he would help her retrieve books from higher places. She would also see books laid out on his table, but most of the time he would be sleeping. Beneath his overlapping arms, he sees “Byron’s Poetry Collection”. Gavin doesn’t understand the poems, though.

Lord Byron's "Don Juan" - Canto the Ninth, XVI

"To be, or not to be?" — Ere I decide I should be glad to know that which is being? 'Tis true — we speculate both far and wide, And deem, because we see, we are all-seeing; For my part, I'll enlist on neither side Until I see both sides for once agreeing; For me, I sometimes think that Life is Death,

At the music rehearsal room on the fifth floor, she would see a corner of his shirt in the wind.

MC thinks Gavin is friendly and slowly lets down her guard.

At the canteen, he would offer her the last bottle of water.

She begins smiling at him when they see each other, with the small arcs forming on her lips, soon becoming smiles that made her eyes squint.

MC would walk along the Senior hallways and subconsciously stop at a certain classroom- catching the sight of Gavin sleeping. On one particular day, she sees him standing by the window, staring at the sky.

Minor asks Gavin if he could form a band with him. Gavin rejects him. He then asks Gavin if he wanted to join the school’s singing competition. Gavin rejects him again, saying that he didn’t perform for unimportant people or have others tell him how well he could play.

MC plays “Falling Slowly” on the piano. Gavin hearing this, learns to play the guitar. He doesn’t know the name of the song but familiarises himself with the melody. [CN Music and the Past Call]

Whenever school let students out early, she would go to Lynn’s Kitchen. MC gets her noodles with clear broth, chopped scallions and a half-boiled egg. Gavin usually gets his spicy noodles with garlic, cilantro, thinly sliced beef.

Gavin remembers her favourite order.

MC leaves a post-it note at Lynn’s Kitchen, “I might never see you again and I didn’t even get to say goodbye. I miss you”, about a friend who transferred schools.

Gavin knows she hates people who leave without saying goodbye the most.

Gavin, also in the vicinity near Lynn’s Kitchen, writes a post note. “Until I met you.” [Mystery Box Game]

He saves Mr Noah’s son from an accident, immediately takes him to the hospital and pays for the medical fees. [Anime]

Gavin dismisses rumours of high school romance.

“If you confessed on the 7th step of the stairway in the corner of the 3rd floor then it’ll succeed, or if you carved your name and another person’s name on the 6th tree in the courtyard at the back then your misunderstandings will be resolved, or if a guy gave the girl he liked the second button of his uniform on graduation day then the two of them will end up happy together.”

At lunch, he hears MC talking about the second button, and upon seeing her yearning face, he raises his head in thought, suddenly couldn’t wait for graduation. He tears off his second button. [Mystery Wings Event]

Gavin is just in love at this point.

Gavin sees one of the top students stealing money from a shop outside of school. The shopkeeper doesn’t believe him.

He stops the student on his way home to hand him back the money.

MC sees him at the alley then leaves.

Gavin spent all the money on a walkman he wanted for a very long time.

Mr Keller was the only one who believed in him. He said to him, “Since you can’t change what others think of you, you might as well just listen to your heart.” This had a great impact on Gavin. [Campus Date]

Winter

In the snowfall, the school allowed additional ten minutes of break time. The class next to MC’s stuffed Minor’s shirt with snowballs.

Gavin thought of helping him with a counterattack but MC had already returned a snowball to the male student who pulled the prank.

Gavin looks at MC the whole time. [CN Recovery ASMR]

MC overheads girls in her class say that Gavin had bullied students for lunch money that morning.

MC rides her bike back home after studying at the library for her finals.

MC sees Gavin being handed an envelope full of money at Lynn’s Kitchen in an alleyway.

She mistook it for him taking protection money.

Summer of June 2011

On a humid afternoon, MC looks outside the window of the classroom in boredom. A boy in a loose-fitting school uniform ran by. She couldn’t make out his face. [S1 Chapter 7-23]

MC begins to distance herself from Gavin. She rushes out of class and goes straight home instead.

Gavin is sad. He broods by the piano room, goes to the library to brood, then stares at the place MC sits to brood some more.

Minor wonders how he’s able to stare all afternoon at an empty space in the library but sleeps all day during class hours. [Minor’s Memory Book]

Before graduation, Gavin’s father expresses his thoughts for Gavin to join the organisation for special training. Gavin refuses, but his father uses MC to influence him to agree.

Gavin remembers the panic and timidity in MC’s eyes when she first met him. He recalls that moment was probably the hardest to bear in his life.

Gavin in his short period of freedom writes a letter to MC. He ponders about what to say, thinking about their first encounter, and how she started to distance herself from him. But all he writes is-

“Saturday 9am, I will be at the school library waiting for you.

-Gavin.”

MC attends the flag-raising ceremony and rehearses her speech. She then leaves to study for her exams.

Meanwhile, Gavin finishes a fight with other boys from school in an alley after they talk inappropriately about MC. [Old Days Date]

Gavin, bloodied and bruised, asks Minor to make another copy of his letter.

This is the only thing that Gavin had asked Minor to do so of course, he agreed. [Chapter 7-11]

Minor thinks the letter is a symbol of passion and fierce love due to the bloodstains and decides to keep the original.

He writes “GAVIN” and places it on MC’s desk for her to see the next day.

(In the Campus Date, the older MC is the one who finds him instead of Minor and treats him to his injuries. She ends up seeing the contents of the letter to find him later on.)

MC mistakes the letter as a threat and throws it away.

That Weekend

Gavin sits for 14 hours in the library waiting for MC, scanning the library every now and then.

With a fingertip, he rubs “Byron’s Poetry Collection” and carefully sandwiches a dried and yellowed ginkgo leaf into the book. He suddenly felt a measure of self-deprecation.

He stands up, and leaves, his heart filled with regret that he didn’t give it to her personally. [CN Tilted Time Rumours and Secrets]

After Summer Break- July

Minor never saw Gavin, and neither did MC.

“We met often, but never passed by each other. I remember every moment I saw you in school. Time, location, weather, your expression, your clothes...

-I remember them all.”

#gavin #bai qi #mlqc gavin #mlqc analysis #mlqc translation #mlqc cn #mlqc en #love and producer #mr love queens choice #恋与制作人 #mlqc timeline #mlqc storyline #posting early because of exams #im so sad

191 notes · View notes

swiftgronmasterpost · 4 years

Text

Glee Live Tour Part 3 - ShirtGate

The first thing you need to know about ShirtGate is that Lea and Dianna started holding hands during Amber’s solo at the end of Somebody To Love back in May of 2009 at the fox upfronts.

Here’s the first known instance of the handhold:

Notice how nobody else holds hands?

They did this all through the 2010 Glee tour as well as the start of 2011 Glee tour. Sometimes they would link arms or hug instead and at one point they even played footsie but that part of the song was Their Moment.

But then something happened and they quit holding hands. Here’s a visual of every instance of that moment in the tour throughout all the shows. Notice how they stop holding hands for about 10 days starting on June 6:

So what happened on June 6th?

Well Dianna tweeted this the night before:

Then the handholds stop. Was Lea mad at her for mentioning that moment publicly? Did the network forbid them to hold hands after Dianna tweeted that? Did Lea encourage her to tweet it and then get mad at Dianna when she walked it back by saying she was hacked? Was Dianna actually hacked? (I really don’t think so.)

Whatever happened it does seem to have caused some kind of issue because they stop holding hands (not only that but Lea goes out of her way to put her arm behind her back) but then...Dianna shows up on on June 11th on stage wearing not the Lucy Caboosey shirt she was supposed to be wearing but this:

Let the revelry begin!

Girl was feel. ing. her. self!!!

my favorite moment when she tugs on the shirt to flaunt it and make everyone see:

Twitter and the L Chat explode. Everyone thinks Dianna has come out! But...

Early the next day, perhaps even that night, Dianna takes to tumblr and pens a 3,500 word essay explaining that she isn’t a lesbian, she simply wore the shirt to advocate for gay pride (which had started on June 2, nearly two weeks earlier.)

I’m going to post the essay in full in the next entry but here’s the part that stands out to me;

Dianna performs at the next day’s show in Toronto again and there’s still no handhold but then she tweets this mysterious message and then is absent from the Detroit show:

Rumors about why she missed the show swirled and for a long time it was thought that the official party line was that she was sick while fans speculated that she was being punished for trying to out herself (and subsequently Lea, the top two billed women stars of a show that hinged on both their heterosexual appeal to men).

However she did perform at the June 12th show, why punish her one show later?

It’s possible news of her little outing adventure didn’t get back to the true powers that be until the next day and they held her back from the Detroit show.

However years and years later (summer of 2020 actually) Kevin and Jenna reminisced about the Glee 2011 tour on their podcast Showmance and they mentioned that Dianna actually missed the Detroit show because she forgot her passport so while they let her into Canada, they wouldn’t let her back into the states. I have confirmed with some Canadians that this is pretty common. Canada is a bit more lax at the border.

Who knows what happened. But I firmly believe she was trying to out herself. I’m not sure if she missed the Detroit show as a punishment or if it was a coincidence.

Back to the Somebody To Love handholds - While Dianna misses the Detroit show Lea holds hands with Chord and then Achele doesn’t hold hands again during the June 14th show either.

But the next show on June 16th Dianna reaches out and gives Lea a shoulder rub. Then the handholds are back in full force.

Lea tweets this mysteriously in the next day or two while backstage during Born This Way (in which she usually didn’t perform):

Achele holds hands (or plays footsie or links arms) during the rest of the tour except when Lea puts her arm behind her back in London on June 28th and when Dianna was out sick on June 29th and July 2nd and they end the tour like this:

Conclusion -

Dianna and Lea were 100% on during the tour. Even if she had already met Taylor (which of course there is no public record of) Dianna is still very much involved with Lea, even if they are having their ups and downs.

Lea’s public boyfriend ended up showing up on tour and that may have been the cause of some ire between the two, resulting in some missed handholds and Dianna running off with Naya but I do not believe in any way Dianna would be involved with Taylor and then acting like this with her ex-girlfriend.

I also believe that ShirtGate was probably very traumatizing for Dianna. She was probably forced to write that essay under the threat of losing her job. I think that’s part of why she’s never come out and possibly why she never will. To try and out yourself and then be shoved back into the closet on such a public stage would be traumatic for anyone.

(Gifs sourced from Achele references)

Click here to keep reading!

#part 7 #shirtgate #2011

143 notes · View notes

nelliebrookstone · 3 years

Text

( BRIANNE HOWEY, 29, CIS WOMAN, SHE/HER ) * hey, i’m looking for the office of ELEANOR ‘NELL’ BROOKSTONE. they’re the EMPLOYEE who’s known around the office as THE BURN BOOK, if that helps ? not to be a gossip, but i’ve heard that they’re SUPPORTIVE but PETTY, is that true ? i also heard that they’re the one who CRIED IN THE BATHROOM BECAUSE SOMEONE TOOK HER YOGURT. anyways, here’s the coffee they ordered.

Greetings Earthlings, my name is Asha I am simply a fellow human from planet earth looking to hang out with my cool friends at the Build-A-Bear. I’m excited to be here! I have more information on Eleanor (nellie if you know here, nell if you don’t) below the cut! If you give this a lil like I’ll slide into your exclusive tumblr DMs to plot!

So, who is Nell? Well let me tell you. As far as most people know, Nell is a former Masters Model turned Head of Talent Management for models. She’s a mix of sweet Alabama charm and scary dead smile energy, and she always has a compact for you to borrow in her purse. Most people know she always has a perfect french manicure and knows most people by first name. You might also know she recently divorced Parker and is no longer using his last name, please do not call her Mrs. Carson she’ll cry in the bathroom and then leave you a bad yelp review. You’re not even on yelp, you say? She’ll make one for you and then leave a bad review.

But like a curated Insta, this ain’t it folks. So buckle up. (I say this dramatically but tbh she has had a pretty stable life)

Nellie grew up in a smallish town in Alabama. If you ask her, it wasn’t small at all. But it certainly was compared to large city centers, and definitely compared to New York. It was the kind of town where everyone knew your business, and Nellie had a lot of business.

She was a teen queen! Head cheerleader, student president, shining volunteer of the county and Lady Alabama of 2010 (not to be confused with Miss Alabama, but if you ask her it’s basically the same thing). She was very involved in her community and her parents were well known in the area for their construction company. Everyone loved her that she was like the golden child of the town.

It was a great, privileged life! Her parents got married young, had a bunch of kids, and had the means to care for them! Her parents also have a very genuine love story, still passionate about each other years later. She and her sisters (all five of them) have always wanted a life like their parents’.

The one difference between her and her parents remained her desire to roam and see the world. She wanted to travel, or at least live in a place where she could meet new people from new places. Moving to New York seemed like a great place to get some experience, though if you ask her mother she probably got the idea from some dumb TV show. She did. It was a lot of shows. And a lot of movies. There were a ton of romantic comedies that TRULY shaped this desire.

she started sending in applications to various schools in New York. She was an honor list student with a lot of extra-circulars and passion to be at these places that shown through on all her apps. She got many a rejection, the one from Columbia was the hardest. It was the worst thing that ever happened to her at the time, so you can imagine how her life must have been.

She DID get accepted to NYU for Public Relations! CHEERS ALL AROUND! She was so excited. She was gonna see the world and be a big city bitch 10/10. In college, she was quickly involved in everything from various clubs, to sorority, to trying to get involved with the community. It didn’t work out as well. New York was just such a different town...in that it was...big. And she wasn’t used to that.

But she did meet a funky guy named Parker Carson! And they fell in love! And here is a short synopsis of their relationship:

they met at a department store. Parker looked a little lost in the dress shirt area so she helped him pick out an outfit and the rest was, as they say, history.

they had a great relationship at first, full of love and passion and fun times. he had a pokemon tattoo, she used to play pokemon snap. what a team!

but really, they had a great time together...which led them to get married real early. In fact, for Nell, this was even a little late. She thought she’d be married with kids by 23.

a lot of little things led to their downfall, but it can be boiled down to not fully understanding what it takes to live with another person who doesn’t mesh with your lifestyle. A big issue for Nell was kids. She wanted them, right then and there. He didn’t! No one’s fault, but it seemed to be a block they couldn’t get over.

they’re divorced now. it’s fresh. she’s got a lot of conflicts about it. She cannot believe she is divorced before 30. she cannot believe she doesn’t have kids by now. She is under the impression she’s run out of time for everything, which is not true at all but it’s how she feels. She’s none too fond of the man at the moment.

But listen! Nellie is a fun girl! She’s got a lot of ~zest~ for life and likes to do new things and try new places. She’s also just as comfortable spending the day at home on the couch with everything she needs within arms reach. She seems like someone who would be into partying but that’s really not her scene. She’s a brunch girl, a drive-thru movie theater girl, and an all-day 90 day fiance girl. She has an addiction to cherry cokes and always misses her stop on the subway because she gets distracted listening to her music and zoning out. She cries a lot during sad AND happy movies and can’t eat pork because she once knew a pig named Babe (no relation to the famous babe). Her favorite animal is the octopus and she volunteers with the homeless shelter every weekend.

All of this doesn’t really come across in her work persona. She always seems like she’s extremely put together and very good at what she does. She’s quick, snappy, and not afraid to speak her mind. She’s a master at the backhanded compliment and is the master of the delayed burn (you won’t know you’ve been roasted until she’s down the hallway). She has a very charming way of speaking with a thick southern accent and tons of sayings that no one knows the meaning of, but sometimes that Nice Southern Girl smile comes out and you know she would be stabbing you if such an act were socially acceptable. Despite this, Nellie doesn’t think she’s a mean person.

But I’m sure there are MANY people who think she is. Because...sometimes she is! No one is perfect, and she definitely has a reputation of being a major pain in the ass if you’re on her bad side. Nell remembers EVERY slight against her. Oh, she remembers when you commented on the amount of emails she sends. She remembers when you mentioned that you thought her font type was a little too bold. She remembers it all...and stores it in her mental burn book.

This also happens often because she is...pretty sensitive. And because she’s going through a divorce, which is NOT what she had planned for in life, she’s like a stubbed toe away from a full cry every day. She’s started to invest in waterproof mascara but it’s not working out. She really DID cry in the bathroom over her yogurt. She also came back the next day and wrote a VERY angry letter on the fridge titled ‘to the person who likes to take things that don’t belong to them, I hope your mother knows she raised a THIEF.’

As petty as she can be, she’s also a great person to have in your corner. If you’re a friend, she will fight for you to the end. She’s very loyal and will often drop whatever she’s doing if you need her. She can be very generous, no expenses spared to lift up someone she loves. If you’re a friend of hers, she’s a great friend. The kind you can call at 2 am when she’s dead asleep and she’ll still come help you move out of your shitty ex’s apartment.

Basically, Nell is a whole lot of things. Not all of them are great. But she likes to think of herself as a good person that cares about other people. She generally is! She’s also fairly good at having heart to heart conversations, and isn’t afraid to own her mistakes if she’s not still upset about the issue. But she’ll also try to ruin your career if you steal her yogurt. Fun!

I’ll add more as I think of it, but for now I’m here for all the plots. Best friends, enemies, the person who caught her crying in the bathroom, the person who caught her angrily scribbling her name on all her yogurt, you name it!

#masters.intro #oh man this is a mess I'm not cool enough for intros

12 notes · View notes

desertdollranch · 3 years

Note

Hi, again! Thank you so much for anwsering my question, and starting the Mia appreciation post! It was super lovely to wake up to. I also found your comments on the demographics of AG tumblr and the popularity of the historical characters really interesting - I was "AG age" in the mid/late 2000s and early 2010s, and while Girls of the Year like Mia were my introduction to the dolls, as I got older and read on my own more, I grew to love the historic girls a lot more. I suppose you could say that Girls of the Year were my gateway drug :). Which meant I was absolutely distraught when they started to discontinued the historic characters. My second doll was Felicity, and the only reason I was able to get her was that I had only saved up half when they announced her discontinuation, so my parents chipped in the rest for christmas. (It occurs to me as I type this, that I might have a thing for the red heads. :) ) I thankfully missed BeForever, but sometimes I look at what they did to Lissie and the others and cringe.

Thank you for asking! I always appreciate the chance to do a deep dive on subjects like this! I hope you check out the notes on my last ask, since there were a lot of good responses.

I think your way of being introduced to the historical characters was pretty common around the time you grew up. A lot of kids would see the promotion of a Girl of the Year doll, fall in love with her, and eventually find their way to the historical characters, and fall in love with them, and that’s what brought them back to rediscovering their love of American Girl in late teens and early adulthood. That just goes to show how important it is to connect with characters via their stories! It’s easy to remember how much you love the dolls when you can remember why you loved their stories long ago.

And that’s why I was sad to see that BeForever introduced three-book volume with no illustrations. It’s really intimidating for young readers to pick up a thick 200+ page book, one with no pictures to help them imagine what is going on in the books. I read my first American Girl book at 6 years old. Would I have bothered if it had been 200 pages with no pictures? Absolutely not. By the time I was reading chapter books with no pictures, I had moved on to young adult fiction.

I’m thinking specifically about the part in Felicity’s story where Mrs. Merriman reminds Felicity to wear her pattens, because the streets are muddy. The illustrated book has a vignette that depicts what those are, since they aren’t described in the text. So without that illustration, what seven year is going to know that pattens are those tiny round stilts worn on the shoes to keep your shoes clean? Without illustrations, what eight year old is going to be able to accurately imagine the restrictive clothing and caps that Felicity wore every day? And for another example, how will a young reader understand that pockets were separate garments altogether when not only is this not explained in the text, but Felicity’s meet dress is the only dress in her collection, and it doesn’t have slits in the side for reaching into an external pocket?

That’s why reducing each historical character’s collection down to only their meet outfits makes it less likely that kids will be interested and engaged with the historical characters. No illustrations and no other outfits to help them understand what clothing and life was like back then. And I think dolls like Felicity need a collection to help readers understand how different life was, and that the reason Felicity wore such long skirts and tight stays was a reflection of how girls were treated and raised in the 18th century. They had to be modest and ladylike and not express strong emotions. And without the accessories, that makes it even harder to understand life back then.

So I’m glad that American Girl has brought illustrations back to the historical and Girl of the Year books, but I still hope that someday they’ll go back to the single books and include all six with each doll purchase! I know they’re really trying to slowly bring the spotlight back on the historical characters, and it’s very nice to see that happening.

12 notes · View notes

iampikachuhearmeroar · 3 years

Text

a few years back now, i wrote a big d&m post about this pic. about how in 2011, i was depressed/anxious, lonely and feeling lost. when i posted the pic originally in 2013, i was still very deep in that mindset as well.

however, 10 years on, i realise that those feelings, although brought on by the toxic environment i was in at the time (let’s not even get started on that), and my views of myself at 15/16 were false. life obviously had bigger and more dramatic things to give me at 25/26 than “you’ll never be desirable to men if you never learn to shut your mouth like a REAL WOMAN does” and such other poisonous comments i was receiving at school from staff. those comments were just a blip in time. but i’ve learnt that those comments were really a reflection of the gross patriarchal views of the church (as well as society in general) which i was so fucking happy to “escape from” (ah the dramatic queen i was) at the time by moving schools.... but those views are not a reflection of me as a person.

for everyone whose landed in teaching, please know that if you make these types of comments to your students, it really does affect them. it took me 10 years to grapple with and tackle my self esteem to the point where i am confident in who i am; all because some petty teachers didn’t like how outspoken and loud i was as at 15/16. like y’all. let teen girls be a bit feral, loud and opinionated. it doesn’t hurt for them to try that on and then discard it after a period of time, or possibly never (like i never have- except i’m no longer feral lol).

although many of my teen opinions that i find on tumblr through my archive or my facebook memories are problematic as hell and some of them i now find completely unrelatable..... at least i know i’ve grown in the years since. and it’s also funny that i don’t even look up to the musicians and actors that always bore the advice of “be yourself and see who likes you for you” or whatever the fuck general platitudes they gave for self confidence advice to fans; anymore. how times change.

and although these comments were extremely hurtful at the time, i have always known that i am more than my perceived desirability to men. i am obviously still loud and opinionated; but i know now that my opinion is sometimes not needed on things... which is unlike teenage me, who liked shooting her mouth off every 5 minutes just for funsies. i have always been whole on my own, and those comments were a counter to that belief.... because as patriarchal assholes always love to ask and state: “what is a woman without her/a man? nothing.” uh, no. she’s a whole ass person, you fuck. there’s a reason that one of my fave lyrics of all time is “im not here for your entertainment, you don’t wanna mess with me tonight”. to me, it means i’m not going to entertain anyone who thinks i’m not a whole ass person on my own. don’t fuck with me if you think a woman always needs a man to be whole.

basically the vibe of this post is just to let people grow in their own fucking time, and don’t try to force growth through guilt-tripping. personal growth is a messy ride for everyone. even more so today, with social media being such a general suck on people’s self worth.

a whole ass decade ago i was depressed, anxious, lonely and feeling lost. obviously, the lost bit is still there, because who doesn’t experience the lost feeling from time to time- and even more so during a worldwide pandemic -(that’s a big storm you’ve got coming honey)- but life is transitory and fickle. and yes i still have my down days. and yes i still grapple with my anxiety and depression. but i am enough. i am loved.

a whole ass decade ago i thought i was worthless, stupid and every other negative word in the dictionary. i felt numb and alone. in retrospect, i got through uni and still have my knowledge; even though i had to admit to myself that i had to drop out of my postgrad course due to burnout, and also realised that librarianship just wasn’t for me. i was also forced to quite literally physically feel things while in hospital, considering that i begged for anaesthesia for literally everything all the time 😂. bitch gotta feel at some point. might as well do it now.

back in 2011, i felt as though i couldn’t connect with anyone anymore. *just throw any mid 2000s/early 2010s emo song lyrics about feeling disconnected, inadequate and depressed here*. and yeah, it’s true. i still have those days where i feel like that. but i’ve got a few friends who like me for me, still. no matter how fucking messy i am.

personal growth hurts sometimes.... in every aspect of your being. growth is slow. and other times, incredibly rapid (such as my time in icu which is my decade reality check). and you know what? i got through it all as the ☀️ girl i was deemed as being back then 😂.

sometimes, in the end, you have to approach life from the sunny side up and laugh- which i can now do- since 10 years have come to pass to divorce me from my awkward, rebellious & punky teenage self. little miss sunshine has woken up to know that somebody loves her always (okay that’s my nephew) and continually lives in an endless pandemic hell as if every day is her weekend and every year is her year (okay not really- 2020 was a nightmare for everyone- let’s be real here). little miss sunshine knows that she’s whole on her own even on her bad days. she’s okay. and that’s fine.

or as one of my long time fave songs says: “stay awake, get grip and get out/you’re safe from the weight of the world/just take a second to set things straight/i’ll be fine even though i’m not always right/i can count on the sun to shine.” (c’mon we all knew this would come out).

#life #about me #shut up ilona #ilona actually shares her life with her followers for once lol #ilona’s catholic school memories #ilona’s catholic school rants #spot the emo song lyrics weaved into this post lmao #wake up sunshine #it’s okay to admit that im not okay #but also i think i’m okay #look alive sunshine

9 notes · View notes

gimmeromance · 3 years

Text

GimmeRomance FAQ:

Question: Who are you? Answer: We’re five romance authors who also read a lot of romance -- specifically we are @christinaroseandrews, @roselarkpublishing, @caitlynlynch, @thebibliosphere, and @meiedwards. Between us, we read everything from inspirational romance to erotica and in pretty much every subgenre. We also read a lot of non-romance.

Question: Why are you doing this? Answer: We love romance, and we’re doing this for fun!

Question: How long will it take you to answer my ask? Answer: As long as it takes. We strive to answer all questions as quickly as possible, but all of us have other jobs. If we can’t answer your ask, we’ll send it out to our audience!

Question: But I don’t know if you got it! Answer: Don’t resubmit it, it actually slows down the process. Instead, if you haven’t seen an answer in a month, shoot us a message asking us if we received it.

Question: Why can’t I ask my question anonymously? Answer: Too many of us have had bad experiences with anonymous questions, sorry! If you don’t want to be identified, let us know in the ask and we’ll remove your tumblr name so our readers can’t see it.

Question: Your askbox is closed so I can’t ask a question! Answer: Sorry, but our mods only have so much time! We close and reopen the askbox periodically, so keep an eye on our blog!

Question: Can I become a mod? Answer: We’re not looking for mods currently.

Question: Why is this book only available on Amazon/Why do you recommend books on Amazon? Answer: Some books, particularly those in Kindle Unlimited, are only on Amazon. And Amazon, like it or not, is the major retailer for ebooks. Amazon also has the best search engine for finding specific tropes/types of books, and we do use that to assist in finding recommendations.

Question: Why do you use Books2Read links? Answer: Because they list multiple sites, so you can find the book wherever it is currently available.

Question: Why do you use affiliate links? Answer: We’re sticking it to Amazon. Affiliate links don’t take money from the authors, they take money from Amazon’s share of the sale price. By using those links, you’re taking approximately 4 cents of every dollar from Amazon and giving it to us.

Question: Do you accept book recommendations to read? Answer: Our average TBR list is over 1000 books, so no.

Question: Will you read my book? You’d really like it! Answer: We might really like it! But seriously, we’re too busy.

Question: Do you take asks about fanfic, or recommend fanfic? Answer: No. We will recommend PUBLISHED romance only - it may be self-published, but the book will be out there available on Amazon and/or other major book sites.

Question: How do I tell if a book is good? Answer: Read the reviews! Just because we told you about a book doesn’t mean it’s necessarily an amazing book. Check reviews for trigger warnings, info on other issues.

Question: Do you include trigger warnings? Answer: Sometimes, if we know about them. But we cannot and will not guarantee to mention every trigger. We have not read every book. In addition, we may miss triggers or not realize they’re specific triggers. Please read the reviews to see if anyone else noticed your specific triggers!

Question: This book you recommended has problematic tropes! Answer: All books have problematic tropes depending on who you ask.

We haven’t necessarily read every single book we list. While we do have a wide range of readers, we’re all still limited time-wise, so our sources may vary. Our lists are books that fit the ask, not necessarily endorsements of books we personally liked. We try to avoid books that are overtly concerning (pedophilia, Nazi romance, Slaveowner romance, etc.). But everything is problematic to someone.

In addition, books published prior to 2000 are often going to be pretty problematic to our modern eyes. Georgette Heyer was a racist antisemite, but we may still recommend her books because they are classics. There's a ton of “the hero must rape the heroine” in a lot of early romances. They were problematic then, and they are problematic now, but to erase them from the library of books is to erase history. So go in with the mindset that these books were written in a different time and some were even progressive for their day. Similarly, books published before 2010 can be iffy (heck, it still can be iffy). The real shift in publishing came with the rise of indies. Say what you will about Fifty Shades of Grey, but it legitimized indie publishing and caused a revolution in publishing that's still going on. Therefore, take any book published before 2010 -- and especially any book published before 2000 -- with a grain of salt.

Question: What do you consider POC? Answer: While we understand that the answer varies depending on where you’re from, we tend to default to what @writingwithcolor considers POC.

Question: What do closed door and open door mean? Answer: We have five categories. They are erotica (sex is integral to the story), open door (sex is shown), closed door (sex is implied but not shown), no sex, and unknown (we don't know how much sex there is).

Question: Why do you use the word ‘queer?’ Isn’t it a slur? Answer: Queer is a reclaimed slur, and we use it because it’s all-encompassing of the gender and sexuality spectrums. Several of our mods are queer and prefer the term to self-identify. Anyone trying to tell us that queer is a slur and we shouldn’t use it will be blocked.

---

This post will be updated as needed.

Last Updated: 05/10/2021

#Mod Post #FAQ #Info Post

4 notes · View notes

emotionalcello-makefanfics · 5 years

Text

Your Tears in My Dreams (DamiJon) Part : 2/2

Rating : General Audiences

Summary :

His best friend always has that smile. Bright and refreshing like a can of cold soda on a hot and humid summer. But one day, when they were walking down the halls to class. Jon stopped, and for once in Damian life, he saw Jon cried. —- Dick cleared his throat, his darting eyes finally landed on his jade eyes, “Why do you want to know now?” “Curiosity,” Damian shrugged, “I’ve never seen him cried before, that was the only time he did and I forgot why he did.” “You think it’s your fault?” “That’s what I’m trying to find out.”

Inspired by this beautiful art of Jon crying and Damian not knowing what to do by @glitter-dc

Read on AO3

Click Keep Reading to read on Tumblr.

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Word count : 6k

Four days of tedious meetings with Wayne Enterprise later, Damian has finally done his duty as the League of Al-Ghul’s representation.

Now, he’s on the front gate of Kent’s farm and walking down the dirt path to the front door. The house is a typical American farmhouse. Everything is the same except the rows of potted plants on the front porch and the different paint of the house. It used to be deep blue color, now it’s creamy yellow. The wooden fences were painted blue, and now the paints mostly chipped away.

From the pathway, Damian can see the sunflower field behind the house. It looks identical as he remembered only shorter and smaller in his eyes now. It stretches from the far left starting from a barn and to the far right. There used to be two horses in that barn where Jon and he would ride a brown mare named Macey, and sometimes the white stallion Jackie.

The Kent’s farmhouse was supposed to be their vacation house. Damian had come here for summer vacation to spend time in nature and play around with Jon. His happy memories here were running into the sunflower field, playing chase. Riding on top of the tractors while Mr. Kent drives. Picnics under their favorite ginormous oak tree, while working on their summer homework. Helping Mrs. Kent hangs the laundry and playing hide and seek between the sheets.

It was a place where he allowed himself to be a child.

The front door opens before Damian gets to reach the porch. A beaming smile from a woman whose face barely changes greets him.

“Damian! It’s been so long.” The woman steps out to the front porch, with her pink apron over a checkered red dress and folded sleeves on her arms that open to greet him.

Her black hair is long now, they’re blown by the breeze and sway like the sunflower field behind her humble house.

Damian speed walks across the path and hugs her. She wraps her arms around him tightly. Though he’s taller than her now, he still feels like that small and fragile boy under her motherly arms.

“Hello to you too Lois, you’ve been well?”

“I am,” She lets go and opens the door, “Come inside, have you eaten lunch?”

“I have.”

“Coffee or tea then? Maybe a little snack? I’m baking my apple pie since I know you’re coming.”

“Lois, you shouldn’t have, I don’t want to bother you too much.”

“None of that! It’s been too long since I last saw you, you never even visit.” Lois then stopped and looks at Damian from top to bottom. “You’ve grown into such a looker!” she slaps Damian’s arm playfully.

“Thank you,” Damian flustered.

Damian walks into the house after her. The open kitchen is on the left, while the sofa and tv in on the right, just like he remembered. There’s barely any changes around. The floor plan and decoration are still at the same place, even the pictures by the walls are the same arrangement. There are only a few furniture changed to something new.

“Is Clark home?”

“No, he’s at work, but he’s coming home early today if you’d like to stay and say hi.”

“I’ll do that, thank you for welcoming me.”

“Oh don’t be so uptight! I take it you’re not here only to see us, are you?” Lois smiles lightly, warm and bright, like her son’s.

“No, I’m here to ask about Jon.”

Her pale pink lips parted and she steps back a little, “Oh? You are?” Lois is noticeably stupefied.

“Yes. I believe I might’ve said something upsetting to Jon ten years ago.”

“Upsetting? Were you fighting?”

“No, we never fight,” Despite Damian always rejecting Jon’s friendship at first, the fight was always one-sided.

“But that day, I made him cry, and I can’t remember what I said or did,” Damian admits, taking a deep breath and looks up to meet Lois’s eyes.

Her smile is no more, but her eyes warm and welcoming, giving him her full attention.

“I was wondering if he ever told you why he cried. If he told you something I’ve said?”

Lois sighed and put his hand of Damian’s arm, rubbing with her thumb.

“Wait here,” She said before walking down the halls and disappears into Jon’s room, then returns with a book in hand.

“He never told me that he cried in front of you, but I believe the answer you seek is in here,” she hands him a book with mixed patterns on the cover. It looks like a diary, and it’s definitely not a diary they exchange to each other, because Damian had never seen this one before.

“Is it okay for me to read something so private?”

“You needed it, and he’ll understand. I think he’ll even thank me.” Lois winks.

His hands hesitated, before finally taking it from Lois’ hands, “Thank you. Where’s Jon?”

“Under the oak tree behind the house.”

“Ah, our tree,” Damian cracks a smile, he misses that spot, “I’ll go see him.”

Lois clenches his hands on top of her chest, long lashes flutter before she reaches out and lands her hand on his shoulder. “Alright,” she stated weakly, as if unsure, “Alright, don’t stay out too late now!” she says clearer and smiles.

Damian spares a curl of a smile, and can only nod gratefully to her before walking out the door.

With the book in hand, Damian stops by the steps down the porch. He sits there and read the diary first before going around the house.

It felt like trespassing someone’s private life. They usually read each other’s diaries but Jon doesn’t give him this one himself.

After pondering for a few minutes, in the end, his curiosity wins. The book contains his goal and reason for going out of his way to come here. And if Lois, who knows her son the most, gave this to him to read, means that it’s really okay. He opens the cover and read the first page.

‘January 1st, 2010

My dearest diary,

From now on, we only have each other, it’ll be one of my new year resolutions. First, I can’t give you to Damian anymore, because--’

Damian looks away, already regretting reading that part. Whatever Jon writes here, he doesn’t want Damian to know, and he has to honor that. Damian just needs to know what happened on 17th November 2010.

The diary starts at the first Januar. Jon always has a new resolution every year and as suspected of most people, forgot it in mid-January. This has got to be the only one Jon followed through

Not wanting to probe any more than he needed to, Damian flips the pages and only looks for the dates. Then he finally found it, at least he thought he does. The dates jump, further and further towards the end of the year. The entry Damian looked for is the first one in two months.

November 18th, 2010

I did something stupid yesterday. I can’t believe I cried in front of Damian, and I can’t stop for the love of. I thought I’m getting better at hiding it, but at that moment everything just burst out and I’m not in control anymore. Damian told me he’s going back when he graduates high school. That’s two years away in his fancy smart class in his even fancier and more prestigious high school his mom made him enroll. I’m already busting my ass to get to the same high school, but I don’t think I can graduate the same time as Damian. As much as I HATE to admit it, I’m just not as smart as Damian!

Can’t he just hit the breaks or something? I know he’s smart, but it’s like he’s rushing to get out of my face or something.

No, Damian never wanted to leave. His mother had demanded his return as quickly as possible, that’s why he was rushing.

I was already tearing up when he says he’ll be leaving... I had hoped we can get into the same university, I thought I had more time. But then he told me he had no choice, He was bound to return and continue his family’ weird tradition of making him do these things they already set him to do. Then he told me about a fiancee that was chosen for him. He started talking about something else but I didn’t listen, because I was already bursting in tears.

I know it’s still too soon for marriage talks, we’re 15! He’s 15! But then it’s just so sudden. Damian just accepts it as it is... He’ll go with it. It’s one of those weird lists his mom made him do, but he wants to do it, and I hate that I can’t blame anyone. It just hits me hard and bad that Damian is not someone like me or someone that can never like me.

It was so embarrassing. He thought it was his fault, but I don’t know... I was just crying because

Diary, I’m so thankful that you’ll never judge me. I can say anything I want and you’ll accept me. If only I can ask you something... to tell me if I’m wrong or not, whether or not I should give up. I’m afraid, but just accepting it as it is so lonely... I don’t feel like going to school. I’m not ready to see him yet. I don’t think I can remain calm seeing him again. There are just so many things I’m sad about but I can’t tell him about it, and you can’t do anything but listen. It’s not enough!

I just wanted to have a chance

Should I just go for it? And consequences be damned? I’m just sick of feeling hidden like this. I can’t lie well.

I’m afraid of telling my parents... the pastor always told us that

I just feel like a weirdo, like I’m broken. I’d hate it if Dami thinks I’m sick too and starts avoiding me like I’m a virus I’d rather

What am I going to do? I don’t want anything to change with Dami I just can’t and I’m lost I don’t know how

Diary, will I ever be ready?

When the time comes for me to attend his wedding, can I bear the pain of seeing someone I love marry another?

Damian stopped breathing, and re-read the last sentences. Then re-read the whole entry. And each time he reads them, something chokes him. It’s hard to hold onto the book when there’s no strength left on his hands. He exhaled a shaky breath and looks away from the letters on his lap.

He knows he promised not to read any more than what he needed. Damian already got the answer he seeks, but the next entry is the last one. Lois did give him the whole book, and Damian turns that reason for his justification.

‘January 1st, 2011

Damian used to tease me for having new years resolution. Well tough luck on him! I kept this diary from him for a year as a resolution, and I did it!

As for this year's resolution, it’s going to be harder. But I need to do this... I just need to.

I’ll confess to Damian, but I don’t think I can ever say it without incoherently stutter and sobbing and shaking like a newborn fawn taking its first step. Because this is, in a way, a first step for me... He’s going to be the first one to know, after my parents of course.

I’ve never been so sure. I’ve talked about it with my parents, and I’ve never felt so grateful to have them in my life than at that moment. I love them for not avoiding me or even worse, putting me on a camp like I’ve seen on the internet. Their love for me is so limitless that I finally have the courage to at least... confess in some way, but I’m still really scared though.

There’s where you came in handy diary. I’m going to give you to him, and he’s going to read everything I’ve been hiding from him. How it all started, all my fears, and the things I’ve been hiding, and my secret feelings for him. How I started to fall in love with him.

Oh god, my hands are sweating now and I can’t even hold the pen right. I realized now that Damian is going to read this...

I guess I’m no longer addressing this to ‘Diary’. This is for you Damian.

I love you. If you read from the first entry, you’ll know how it started, and I know it’s kinda dumb haha. But I really do love you. Sometimes too much that it hurts and I can’t sleep at night. Whenever I see you, I imagine a future where I’ll get to see your smiling face beside me for the rest of my life. I want to hold your hand like we did when we’re kids and doesn’t know any better. I want to kiss your cheek again like I did before everyone decided it’s too weird for two grown boys to kiss each other. I just want to love you and be with you.

I’ll understand if you don’t feel the same, I just hoped you won't see me differently, or avoid me. It’s okay if you reject me, or stay away from me for a few weeks maybe, I just hoped we can stay friends. Even though we won't be more than friends, I’ll take what you offer. No matter what, I’ll be your best friend, and nothing can change that but you.

I’m probably too nervous to see you. So, put this on my backpack for a no, and put it on my locker for a yes.

Feel free to write in a reply. I’ll be waiting.’

Damian chuckles that soon turns into a full wet laugh. He closed the book, with a content smile on his face, now he’s ready to meet Jon.

He walks around the back of the house.

The sunflowers are taken care of now since the Kents moved in here. Once, between the dense bright green stems that soars tall to the sky and sunflowers facing the sun, he was short enough to hide in it.

The dirt pathway that splits the field in the middle leads to a big oak tree at the end of the lane. It rooted right at the feet of the knolls that still counted as Kent’s property. It’s never changing from he last saw it as if stuck in time, or the years that passed is nothing but a blink for the ancient tree. It has the same branches, and the same leaves as Damian remembered.

In the summer break, when it was too hot to stay indoors, he and Jon would sit under that tree’s shadow with cold beverages and Lois’ apple pie with ice cream on top. Talking about nonsense, or drawing, or playing with dirt, stick, and stones. It was all nonsensical for Damian who always taught to be an adult at an early age, but he enjoys letting himself do unproductive fun with Jon and not be ridiculed. Then at night, they would climb to the top of the knoll and camp there, roasting marshmallows and watched the stars.

In this farm, that time, he was a child. He was having fun.

Under the tall oak tree, the lights that passed its many branches and leaves would land on his face, as he laid there beside Jon. Often, he would look to his side, dark hair laid to frame his pale face that blotched with hints of pink, the way his face reflected the sunlight, he looked like an angel. His blue irises reflect lights like diamonds and a smile that outshines the sun. Jon was beautiful.

Stepping into the shadow of the mighty tree, Damian felt his heart drops to the soft pasture on his feet. The breath he exhaled shakes and he puts all his strength to hold onto Jon’s diary.

“Hello, Jon,” Damian whispered under his breath.

Despite the pain, Damian couldn’t even express a tinge of it. It’s really been too long since he last visits this place.

On the trimmed grass, Damian kneels in front of Jon’s headstone. The upright monument bevels from the five-centimeter base that’s surrounded in wildflowers. A design of light grey granite with gold linings and Jon’s name in white. A mound and flowers carved at the top and the headstone reaching just below Damian’s chest.

His name is looking towards the fields where they spent their childhood. It’s a perfect place filled with memory for Jon to rest. Where he’ll get sun, stars, nature, and family always by his side.

The day is bright and sunny without any clouds in the sky, and the sun shines on the petals of the sunflowers. They are all looking up to the sun, bringing out their golden hue.

“Is this why you came to my dreams? To make me come here and give you my reply?” Damian asked to the nothingness, and no one answers.

But Damian gave what Jon wanted anyway.

“Since I was born, I was given purposes, duties, a place to fill and expectations to meet. I have the name, and resources to get there. Most people approach to have that benefit from me, and I’ll only tend to them who I can also benefit from. You are someone who asks nothing of me but my company. Not my name, not my position, not my privileges, not my responsibilities, not my resources, just me. Everything I own, borrowed or owed from my family and ancestors, but you? You’ve been mine the moment you held my hand when you thought I wouldn’t notice. When you kissed my cheek before you’re too ashamed to be seen by others.”

The afternoon sun was too dazzling, and his vision starts to blur. So, Damian closes his eyes, and his knees gave up, making him sit instead.

“If you had asked for my love, I would’ve given it to you in a heartbeat.” Damian sighed, and all the strength in his body left with his breath. “I would’ve stayed here forever if you wanted me to, but when you left, it’s painful to stay. So I ran away from this place.”

The lights getting too bright, he’s starting to lose his balance. His head lulled from side to side, he suddenly feels tired. He scoots forward a bit and lay down on the grass beside Jon. Looking up to the veined branches and tiny dense leaves. A few lights breached through, they look like dots, shining bright light stars. Jon and Damian used to pretend they’re constellation made for them.

“I’m sorry I haven’t visited, I couldn’t... I was scared too.”

He doesn’t know when he closed his eyes, but when the lights return, he is no longer at the back of Kent’s farm under the oak tree.

It was the school's hallway. They’re in their middle school uniform, the bell just rang so there were no kids around. They talked as they were going to their separate classes.

One thing had led to another, and Jon asked, “Hey Dami? Where’re you planning to go for university?”

“We haven't even finished middle school yet.”

“Humor me! Just wanna know.”

“My mother chose that for me already, probably somewhere in Brittain.”

“Wh-what? That far?” Jon was for the lack of a better word, caught off guard like it’s so far from what he expected.

��Yes, I don’t have control over that.”

“But why? I thought your mom lets you do stuff on your own now.”

Damian laughed out loud, “Hell would freeze before that happens. Al-Ghuls forge their children as the previous generation sees fit. It was done for my mother by my grandfather, and it is done for me by her. Soon, with the fiancee of her choice, I will have a child on my own and forge them.”

“Fi-fiancee?”

“Yes, I’ve met her. She’s older than me by four years. We’ll marry when I have come of age and established a position in the League of Al-Ghuls, and you, of course, without a doubt will be my best man. There’s a list of accomplishment of what I need to do the moment I was born. The Al-Ghul family line is prestigious, and I can’t say I’m pressured when I can execute every expectation perfectly without a struggle. But, I’m pushing my mother’s patience for staying here until high school. So I have to meet her demands for university no-”

Damian realized after a few steps of his own that Jon didn’t follow. When he turned around, Jon had tears pouring cats and dogs from his sky orbs of blue. Hand clenched into a shaking fist, Jon pursed his lips and looks at Damian as if one of them just died.

Never in their years of friendship did Damian ever made Jon cry, not even when Damian had pushed Jon away before.

Seeing Jon cry as if the world falls apart, Damian didn’t know what to say. He wanted to apologize but he didn’t know what he did wrong. So, Damian did what he can do. They skipped class for the first time, and slip into the empty gymnasium. When they’re alone there, they sit by the bleachers and Damian put his arms around his shoulder as long as he cried.

There are so many things Damian wanted to ask, say, and do that are different.

He wanted to say, “Tell me what’s wrong.” His replayed memory let the word be said.

Little 15-year-old Jon looks at him, “No, Dami... I’m just afraid.”

“You claimed to know me but you don't! I don’t want to lose you too!” Damian exclaimed. His words echo meaninglessly to the imagery that long passed.

Jon said nothing. He had said nothing for a long time back then, just crying on his shoulder as Damian foolishly keeps silent.

A bright light flashed across his eyes and everything is white. When color returns, Jon is no longer in his arms.

He was in the school hallway, he remembered this feeling of dread cooking in his gut that tells him to turn around and leave, but he wanted to see Jon more. To confront him about why he cried after his restlessness finally able to break his apathy.

It was their first day of school in 2011 after the new year holiday. Damian remembered it like it just happened yesterday. He was –despite his disdain of breaking the rules- running down the halls because he woke up late. Alfred had thought he was sick and let him be, but what happened was, Damian couldn’t sleep because he’s nervous about asking Jon why he cried. It bothered him until Damian finally felt that enough is enough. He needed to talk to Jon about it, and he psyched himself to do it until 3 am.

While he was running to his class, he heard a loud bang from the end of the hall. Children were screaming as the continuous sound of what Damian had identified as gunshots, fired repeatedly like a machine gun.

Damian had just arrived, he’s near the exit and he easily turned around ran out of the building.

There’re a lot of kids following him to run outside in a panic and on their phones, Damian did that too. And the first one he called was Jon, who doesn’t pick up. Then he tried Clark, who fell on voice mail, and then he tried Lois who finally picked up.

“Lois? Where’s Jon? There’s a shooting happening, don’t come!”

“Oh, Oh dear God.., I already drop him to school.”

Damian blanked out, and the next thing he did was run back into the school building the same way he came out. Jon had AP Science for the first period, and Damian ran towards that class without a second thought.

There’s laughter growing closer down the hall mixed with pleading and cries. Quickly, before the voice grew too close, Damian hid on the janitor’s closet with the louvered door.

He could hear his heartbeat pounding in his ears when the weight of the situation finally settled on him. There’s a killer on the loose, and they had guns. From the shots that fired, and the sudden silence, there’s a possibility that someone could’ve already...

Damian heard screaming growing closer and running steps.

From the space between the parallel bars on the door, Damian peeked out to the halls, seeing a couple of school's running and pass. But before they could disappear from Damian’s eyesight, shots fired, and red dots appear on their back before they fell flat on the floor.

A boy giggled maniacally and ran pass the hall holding an assault rifle. The boy was a senior, someone from Damian’s class. The gunshots continue, followed by children screaming, but it’s further now. Damian’s fear of his life redirected to his fear of Jon’s life. Once again, he tried calling Jon’s phone as he steps out of the closet. The gunshots were far away now, and the school was awfully quiet.

At long last, he finally heard Jon’s ringtone.

Damian ran as quick as he can, towards the voice of the ringtone that was far away from the gunshot.

When he finally reached Jon’s class, which was empty, he sighed in relieve.

They had an emergency exit plan in case of disasters happened. Damian followed the sign that hung from the ceiling and follows the pathway to the exit. The more he ran, the more body he found. His eyes darted around the barely developed bodies lies lifeless on their own of pool of blood spilled on the white tiles.

Damian tried calling Jon’s phone again.

He heard his ring tone. A melancholic piano and a voice singing gently with his smooth voice. Damian sought that familiar melody in the dead silence of the hallway.

It was Jon’s favorite song, one among many on the CD they often play on a portable cd player when they go camping. The song calmed him, makes him focused as his feet stepped over the bodies in the halls. On accident, His feet stepped on blood once too many times in his horror. Reciting the lyrics helped himself from breaking down.

“I-I'll find repose in new ways though I haven't slept in two days, cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone. But drenched in van-n-nilla twilight, I'll sit on the front porch all night. Waist deep in thought because when I think of you I don't feel so alone. I don't feel so alone...”

The song was finally loud and clear. He made a turn to the left, and the exit is right at the end of that hall. Some bodies laid right before they reach it, those were people who didn’t make it.

Vanilla twilight is still playing, and he knows where it’s from. A dim light shines through front trousers pocket in one of the body laying down the halls.

Damian hangs up, and the light goes out too.

What was he hoping for when Damian walks closer to that body? The black-haired boy looks away from him as if sparing him, giving him a chance to look away. But Damian persists, walking towards the body that laid still on the floor with two growing red spots on his chest. Kneeling beside the body, right on the pool of red, with trembling hands, Damian slowly held his face and turns it to face him.

The skin was still warm to the touch, and the face that he adores with its soft features doesn’t even move the tiniest muscle. A few strands of his soft curls stick on his face. A pair of unmoving eyes stared back at Damian, a haunting sight how empty they were.

Every drop of blood in Damian’s body turns cold. His hands trembled as he held Jon’s face. A light came into view from the end of the hall right in front of him. He saw Jon’s pupils constrict when the lights hits.

“Jon?” Damian called, rubbing his face gently, but Jon still didn’t move at all.

The next thing he knew he was lifted by the stomach and a lot of grown-ups yelling and running from the light.

Whatever their face looks like, it’s blurry. Whatever they said, it’s wispy. What’s clear as day is Jon’s eyes on him as Damian was taken away.

“Wait!” He heard himself say, “Don’t take me away, let me stay here. Jon!” No one heard him.

He was a light tween and in shock, he barely put up a fight. His hands reached out to Jon, but the man that carried him ignored his plea.

It was the last time Damian ever saw Jon.

Damian didn’t even walk up to his casket on the funeral home, he doesn’t want to see Jon with his eyes closed.

After he finished middle school, he left to Saudi Arabia, continuing the task his mother planned for him ever since he was in her stomach. It served as Damian’s goal, a distraction, something to occupy his mind.

Years passed and he’s married to his work more than he is to his wife. To be fair, so is she. He rarely stays long in Gotham. Only a day or two for business trips, and he left as soon as he can. Then it became a habit to avoid ever coming to Gotham.

Damian was raised like an heir, but Jon makes him feel human, a kid, a teenager. The first person that ever make him feels like, well, a regular person. He got a taste of family and love. Jon taught him that it’s not shameful to be vulnerable. For the first time, Damian felt happy. Not accomplishment after succeeding a task. Not relieve when he doesn’t make a mistake. Just pure happiness.

There’s nothing left in this city if Jon is not here.

That is, until the dreams of him crying, like he’s trying to take him back here.

Damian had felt numb since Jon left. He doesn’t let himself remember the bad or the end, only the good.

He doesn’t let himself misses Jon.

But he did. Every single day since that day there has been a whole in the shape of him in Damian’s chest. And every day since that day, Damian had gotten better at ignoring it.

Even so, the past still caught up with him. Damian still can’t forget, and he can’t pretend it didn’t happen anymore.

Damian wakes up sobbing, crouching in a fetal position towards Jon’s grave. His tears flow like rivers on a rainy day. Tucked his head on his knees, Damian hugs himself as he cried out his chest over his loss after ten years of keeping it in his tight lidded heart

A hand landed on his back, and slowly, Damian looks up and see Lois with a slight curl on her lips and sad doe eyes.

“Did you ever said goodbye?”

“I didn’t want to, I didn’t want to let him go.” Damian croaks.

Lois pulls his arms up and caught him in a hug. Damian quick to latch on too, holding onto her back. Her long fingers rub the top of Damian’s head in slow languid movement. Rocking him slightly side to side.

“I think you’re here for a reason,” Lois comforts, “Why else would you come after ten years without looking back?”

Damian looks over her shoulder, to the fields of sunflowers that faces west, to the glow that starts to orange.

“The dreams. I dreamt of him crying. I just... wanted to say I’m sorry for making him cry.”

“But my son died.”

“Not to me,” Damian persists, and immediately realized what he just said, “I never... It all happened so quickly. I saw him the day before, I was here with you and Clark and Jon to see fireworks, and the next day he... I just can’t... I’m not ready to let him go just yet, Lois I can’t--”

“I know, Damian. Believe me, I know how it felt... But you’ve met now, you’re here.” Lois keeps rubbing his back.

“Do... Do you think he brought me here?”

Lois chuckled, and it puts a weak smile on Damian too. “He wanted you to know how he felt, he wanted you to mourn him, and he knows the only one that can bring you to do that, is himself.”

Jon’s crying in his memory had brought him here. Maybe the sudden reminder is not a coincidence. The sunset grows dark, and after taking a deep slow breath, Damian closed his eyes. His mind takes him back to the last scene of his dream.

The memory didn’t change, nor was it a mere dream. He can’t forget the last day he saw Jon like it’s a cursed blessing.

But now, with his eyes closed and Lois familiar smell to Jon’s, he remembers that moment even clearer and with more details.

A police officer was the one that carried Damian out of the hallways filled with dead kids. Paramedics run in from the opposite way of where he was taken. One of them kneels beside Jon’s body, while his eyes are still at him, shining like the lake under the blue sky, like how Jon always sees him. The paramedic pressed their fingers on Jon’s neck and started to press the wounds. Jon’s eyelids twitched like a dying flutter of butterfly wings still trying to fly. And Damian sees that, sees that Jon is still alive as he was taken.

Do you know why I always smiled, Damian? He heard Jon says, but his lips don’t move.

In their last moment together, even as they’re being separated, they get to see each other one last time. With the last energy he had, though it was weak and faint, Jon was smiling at him.

Because I was with you.

Damian breathes in as he opens his eyes to meet the sunset again, and tears roll down to Lois’ shoulder. Was he imagining his voice? Somehow, for whatever the answer is, Damian accepts it.

“Lois, he was alive.”

“He was critical when the paramedics found him, there’s nothing they can do,” Lois corrected, her voice cracks, “And I’m glad you’re the last thing he sees.”

Slowly, she retracts just enough to hold Damian’s face and wipes his wet cheeks with her thumbs. She looked just like Jon. His look of compassion, feminine nose and those earnest blue eyes, all he got from her.

“What am I going to do now?” Damian faltered.

“You’re going to cry your heart out until it’s satisfied, and then, you move on.”

Damian bites his lips, and eyes pooled with a new wave of tears, “I don’t want to forget him.”

“I’m not telling you to. Moving on is not forgetting. It’s coming to terms with loss, and when you remember him, it won’t hurt as much. It’s going to be a long process, especially when you never even started. But you’re welcome to come and talk to him, or just to visit me and Clark. You��re not alone, we’re going to be fine.”

What Lois said is just still too hard to accept, but the one who weeps the most was her when she drove to the school right after Damian’s call and sees Jon’s body in a bag. If she can do it, maybe it’s worth a try for Damian.

“Thank you, Lois... Can you leave me with him for a bit, please?”

“Of course sweetheart,” She complied, patting Damian on the back before she stands up and leaves.

Damian takes his attention to the knoll behind him. It’s lush from the bottom to the top. When he looks up, the gaps between leaves and branches no longer glares with light like stars since the sun is setting. The sunflower fields are dense and healthy, and the pasture around them is lush, pillowy and green. It’s a pretty sight, one that’ll never be the same.

Damian looks down to the placard on Jon’s headstone.

“Thank you for telling me,” Damian traces the name Jonathan Samuel Kent on the placard. “Thank you for bringing me here,” his fingers move down to the year, 1995 – 2011.

“My life was a script. I never mind it, but when I saw you, smiling without a care in the world, made me feel that happiness too. For a short moment, my mind went, oh, this is not so bad, maybe I wanted this. I see you, and I see and felt... freedom, that I can choose you instead of what’s chosen for me. I found happiness with you... but you left before I get to say it, before I even knew what that feeling meant.”

His tears roll down again, even after the storm he shed, somehow he still have another coming. This is the most he cried in all his life. Ten years worth of sorrow and despair. There’s going to be more of these in the future, he’ll have a hard time sleeping, and he’ll cry whenever he re-read his diary, or see their picture on his old room.

Yet somehow, Damian finds himself cracking a smile as he looks down to Jon’s grave. When he remembers Jon crying in his dreams, he doesn’t feel guilty anymore. Even though he knows Jon cried because of him, evidently, it was no one’s fault.

Jon cried because he loved him.

“I’ve loved you too, Jonathan Kent.”

#damijon #damijon fanfic #Jondami #Jondami fanfic #jonathan kent #damian wayne #no powers au

50 notes · View notes

squeakynico · 4 years

Text

mental note, list of women-based manias

2010-11 - Deena (i thought this was a nervous breakdown... Deena is absolutely wonderful, although i havent seen her in ten years, we are still vaguely in tough online. her mother died still very recently. i once mailed her my grandmother's watch and a casette tape my father made for me when i was a child, out of compulsion.

early 2017 - Momi, a wonderful economist working on her phd who happened to be teaching economics to kids in high school on oahu. she was/is married, to another wonderful person named K.X., and i loved and respectex both of them so much, they were so nice to me and my friend when i felt very lonely out there. this was the mania that got me hospitalized for four months (off and on), and diagnosed (THANK GOD).

late 2017 - Wesley (possibly mostly weed related too) , she is a beautiful young person (well//lol, *30* now i guess? shit she used to complain about getting old and being a has-been, but i always tried to reason. i am all of 33), when i met her she was a recovering heroin addict, whose life love (FOR REAL HIS NAME WAS/IS LEO HE WAS A CHRISTIAN SCHIZO WHO JUMPED OFF THE ROOF OF A CHURCH NOW HE IS IN THE SKY WITH GOD) had died. she met a surfer bra the day we met and fell in love with him, which i thought was perfect because they seemed like a good fit, only he was (*much*, ha) younger at 21 (it's true, that *is* young). we talk sometimes and i give her money sometimes. she's had it very rough... Very rough, and is also bipolar, but once she got really mad at me for pushing her boyfriend who was sitting too close to me, and for leaving her most loved jean jack in a gas station bathroom (because i had just literally MMARCHED into, and Out Of, Chicago i was *really tired* and that thing weighed at least 10 pounds. i was staying at her place. nothing ever happened between us, but i still have her number. her dog Bear is the shit ❤

middle/late 2018 - Laura // Fletcher (the weird infatuation just sort of weirdly jumped from one to the other. mainly because i had been texting Laura about how Satan was misunderstood and an atom bomb may possibly have been getting rrady to be dropped on Houston while she was there. Laura is the Scene Queen of Dallas, and also i think her father and mother found her in a dumpster ((for *real*... whrn i ask who does that, sometimes you already know, she is really awesome and was about to move to spain to study Spanish and be a teacher. her cats' name is Freddie, he looked a lot like Jerry), and we used to sing karaoke at the same bar... for *Months*, always singing karaoke at the same bar but never talking. we hung out a few times before *i* got weird, and i think she thought she was bi, but she had a boyfriend too his name is Evan he is also very nice. she said she felt uncomfortablr once to the bartender of a club we both went to often to sing at, after i had been texting Very Weird, and all i did was empty my pockets in front of him (minus the essentials) and walk away.

i never saw her again, but i told Fletcher and Lindsay about her, and all that i had been feeling. i'm sure Fletcher let me go on as long as she could stand, because she is so kind and understanding. after she said she wouldn't kiss me, and literally *ceased* speaking to me altogether, i still told my mom that i thought she was still listening, without responding, and how *that*s how i Knew she loved me... i got seven tattoos during that time (mostly small line pieces - there is Jesus, and Jerrell, and Laura, and Judy Garland, and ABBA) but Fletcher's is the one over my heart. it's just a weird little cross-squiggle with her initials and a tinu heart and an arrow, because Fletcher means "arrow-maker". she is really cool, i used to play in her best friend's band when i was 20 or 21, maybe 22-23 or for, but we had *never* talked. silence is literally sometimes The Best Therapy. but still, i got *really* weird around that time, i had lost my job because of the Laura mania, and had tried twice to be a truck driver and failed, and a friend had died of an Aneurysm, and i was working at McDonalds (they were very kind to let me, i was a cashier but spoke next to no Spanish in a predominantly Mexican neighborhood). i used to drive to Fletcher's hometown for "fun" (drinking), just to have a look around. it was over an hour aeau from Dallas, and some weeks i would do that almost *every* *night*. that's mostly why i moved to Atlanta from Dallas, to start fresh

2020 - Sandra and i broke up. it was a kind of mutual decision - she had become distant again, after she started he new job which drained her a lot, and i was not being as supportive as i should have, but she had barely spoken to me in a month, and when i confessed that i had been commenting anonymously on her tumblr (well, i didn't confess, but after i told her i had been checking it out, she knew the comments were from me, i guess i have a messaging style that is difficult to mistake) she said something like "i wish you hadn't done that," and i blew up and wrote this longish rant on a prescription receipt at messaged it to her

then she said if i wasn't getting the time and emotional support i needed from her, we she call it quits. and i said FINE SEND ME MY BUNNY RABBIT BACK. it all seems so ridiculoys now, but i'm glad she did so quickly when it was called for. it's going to take a long long long time to get over her (if i ever really do... she once stitched the sleeve lining back into the sleeves of my most loved old coat that my friend gave me many years ago. and she fixed the pocket where i had been secretly hiding beer cans and tiny wine bottles in the lining), but i was mean and unfair when she needed space i didn't understand *how much* space, also all she ever asked for in her online profile was someone to hold hands and make out respectfully with... i guess i was a fluke/am a fluke. i miss her and wish i could see her again. as a confessed voyeur, i got two of the cabbage guys she drew when she was young, tattood on my ribs.

i have had enough manias to know now when something is up, but being on meds doesn't make me any happier. i think this journalling does - not happier, jues... Phew (:})

#mental health month #erotomanie #erotomania

2 notes · View notes

eldritchsurveys · 4 years

Text

538.

ABOUT HIM

What’s his full name? >> I used to name him on surveys, but I’ve decided to stop doing that. I don’t have a good reason for doing it or not doing it, although I have plenty of theories and stories for why I would want to or not want to. The fact remains -- I just don’t want to anymore. (It’s bad enough I’m even taking this survey at all, but it has less to do with him and more to do with the fact that I do need to sort out some of this shit in my own head and surveys are good for that.) On surveys, I will call him Kris. What’s his birthdate? >> 14 March. How old is he? >> 30. How tall is he? >> Slightly shorter than me, I believe. What colour are his eyes? >> Some kind of hazel-y thing.

What colour is his hair? >> Brown.

Is he skinny, fat, or built? >> Skinny.

Would you say he’s more cute, hot, sexy, or ugly? >> He’s cute, I guess. I don’t know, he technically isn’t even my aesthetic “type” or whatever. It’s not his appearance that I was attracted to, but his appearance was fine. His siblings? >> He has one, but no relationship with them. His personality? >> A very complicated and sometimes entirely unpredictable ball of yarn. He has a disordered personality, so that’s just how it goes. How long did you two date for? >> It’s... complicated. We were together in fits and starts and never for long. I think we tried four different times, a few months at most each time, over the past 10 years. Where did you two meet? >> Xanga. What was you first impression of him? >> I really don’t remember, that was like 2010 or some shit. I think I got a more Ice King impression from him early on because that’s the way he presented himself back then. What was his first impression of you? >> I have no idea.

THE FIRST DATE

How old was he? >> We did not have a “first date”. How old were you? >> --- Who asked out who? >> --- Where did you two go on your date? >> --- Did you have fun? >> --- What did you wear? >> --- What did he wear? >> --- Did you guys kiss? >> --- Have sex? >> ---

THE RELATIONSHIP

What was the nicest thing he did for you? >> I don’t know. I don’t know how to rank that sort of thing, and I certainly have a more difficult time remembering kind things he did than... other things, seeing as there were way more “other things”. What was the nicest thing he said to you? >> ^^^ Did you ever make out? >> Yeah. Did he ever give you a present? >> Yeah. Did you ever give him a present? >> Yeah. Did you tell him you loved him? >> Yeah. Did you mean it? >> I did mean it. Whether my “love” was of any worth or not is a different story, but I definitely wasn’t lying. Did he tell you he loved you? >> Yeah. Did he mean it? >> How am I supposed to know? I believe that he meant it in the same way I did -- he wasn’t lying, but his kind of love did me (and him, it seems) no favours. Or, maybe I’m too optimistic. Like I said, I have no way of knowing. How far into the relationship was your first kiss? >> Early, I’m sure. Where were you guys when you first kissed? >> I have no way of remembering this. Did you feel anything in your stomach? >> *shrug*??? Ever get drunk together? >> Yeah. Did you ever meet his parents? >> Yeah. I lived with him on several occasions, and he lives at home, so. Did they like you? >> I have no idea. I think his father didn’t like me after a while because Kris stopped liking me, so, you know. Sticking up for his son, and what-not. Which would have been fine if... I was the entire problem. I wasn’t. Did you like them? >> I don’t even remember anymore. I do remember being extremely pissed off when he took Kris’ side about everything. It’s a bit crazy-making when you have no one else around to look objectively at your situation and see the real problems, so you’re forced to take the blame for everything that goes wrong and you can’t even tell if you deserve to do so. Did he ever meet your parents? >> No. Did they like him? >> --- Did he like them? >> --- What was your favorite thing to do together? >> Smoke and talk, play Rock Band, go on nature walks, play with the cats, stuff like that, I guess.

How often did you talk on the phone? >> When we weren’t in the same house, we used the internet to communicate. Neither of us are phone people. Did you ever think you’d get married? >> No. Did he treat you right? >> He did not. And I understand why, a bit, but that doesn’t mean I’m any less hurt about it. Did you treat him right? >> I did not. And that’s the thing -- I’m never going to claim that everything I did and said was right and good, just like I’m never going to claim that everything he did and said was bad and mean. But despite what he thinks, I never set out to hurt him on purpose. I just wasn’t good for him, just like he wasn’t good for me. The unfortunate thing is that I didn’t realise that. Stupidity is my sin, not cruelty. (I almost wish cruelty had been my sin. Then I’d at least deserve what I got.) Was he ever abusive to you? >> I think “abusive” is a word I don’t want to use in this case. He has a personality disorder. Personality disorders inherently affect how you treat other people, usually negatively, despite your best interests or intentions -- especially if you are afraid that other person wants to hurt you. And apparently, I was often more of a threat than a comfort to him, so he treated me accordingly. Were you ever abusive to him? >> I don’t think so. I’ve been disrespectful and I’ve been standoffish, but like I said, I had no malicious intent. I was reacting to how I was being treated. Did he cheat on you? >> No. Did you cheat on him? >> No. For some reason, he is convinced that I did and am just a liar, which is... like, whatever. Sure. I might as well be, on top of all the other things. How far did you guys get? >> *shrug*?? Do you think the relationship was serious? >> I don’t know. I guess it never was. I wanted more out of it, but that was literally impossible.

THE BREAKUP

Who broke up with who? >> The last time, I cut it short. My intention was for us to go back to doing the friendship thing, but apparently I am not good enough friend material, either. What was the reason? >> The reason was that I was extremely stressed out. In the span of a month I had completely checked out of my life here at home because I was spending literally all of my energy and time in IMs with Kris, in vain and neverending cycles of arguments and reassurances and just... I don’t even know, anymore. I felt useless and drained and exhausted. I like to compare myself to a black hole, but I actually think he’d be a better example of a human black hole. You keep putting in and putting in and putting in but it’s never filled, never satisfied, never even happy for a moment. It constantly takes and takes and takes. And I was slowly starting to realise that I didn’t have to put up with that. I don’t know a whole lot about love, but I’m pretty sure the definition isn’t “sacrificing your entire self for the sake of someone who isn’t at all satisfied with you as you are”. And then he got mad at me and called me an abuser and trash and all this other shit, which just made horrible sense by that point. Did you cry? >> I don’t remember, now. That whole time period is a bit of a haze, for obvious reasons. But I’m sure I cried at some point, because I was pretty emotionally tapped out. Did he cry? >> How am I supposed to know what he did? He lives in a whole different state. Did you get mad? >> Oh, definitely. Anger is partly what got me out of the whole mess in the first place. Anger was my friend right then. Did he get mad? >> I’m guessing that’s what he was when he trashed me on tumblr. But I don’t actually know. Did you break up in real life/over the phone/ internet/etc? >> Over the internet, because that’s the only way we communicated. Where were you when it happened? >> Home, I think. Was anyone around? >> Maybe Sparrow was home at the time. I don’t remember, because like I said, I was not even fully present at home by then. When was your last kiss? >> That was definitely back in, like, 2012, the last time I actually went out to CO to be with him. When did you know it was over? >> I should have known in 2012, lmao, but like I said: stupidity. This last time, I knew it when I called it over. Do you regret the breakup? >> I sure don’t.

AFTER THE RELATIONSHIP

Did he get a new girlfriend? >> He seems to be single. Did you get a new boyfriend? >> I mean, I was with Sparrow at the time, and I’m still with her. Are you jealous? >> I have nothing to be jealous about. Is he jealous? >> We’re not in contact and I’m reasonably sure he has this blog blocked, so he also has nothing to be jealous about if he’s not paying attention to my life. Are you still friends? >> No. When was the last time you saw him? >> The last time I saw him in person was 2012. Did you talk to each other? >> Well, probably not, by then. Do you miss him? >> No. Does he miss you? >> I assume not. I’m not even sure he was ever invested in me. I think he’s one of those people that just kind of... interprets other people as extensions of himself, or characters on a stage, or NPCs or something. So we’re only “real” when we’re immediately in his life, but even then we’re not real as in “real people with their own internal lives and feelings and needs” -- just real as in “people from whom I can get what I need/want”. And when we inevitably fail at that, because we’re... people... and not characters in his story, then he turns on us and discards us. Obviously, he doesn’t see it this way. He is the protagonist, after all. Do you guys have the same friends? >> No. Do you wish you were still together? >> Hell, no. I’m still mad at myself for even thinking "us” was a possibility. Like, the stupidity, sis... the stupidity... Does he wish you were still together? >> No. What would you do if he asked you out again right now? >> --- Do you sometimes cry over him? >> No. Sometimes I cry because I’m still recovering, and I am grieving the parts of myself that were ravaged so badly that they must be amputated and regrown. But I am crying for myself. Do you stalk him? >> No. Does he stalk you? >> No. I guess that’s the one good thing -- he’s the type of disordered personality that goes cold and burns all bridges, not the type that gets obsessive and stalks and threatens. I consider myself very fortunate. Has he changed at all? >> Sure, I guess. He’s very mercurial. Have you changed at all? >> I definitely have. I am also mercurial. Do you still have items of his? >> No. I still have a couple of things that he sent me, but that’s because they are useful -- like the Book That Takes Its Time, which is a cool book, and the Dark Tower shirt. I don’t attach those items to him, because they were gifts and therefore entirely mine. Do you have pictures of when you were together? >> Yeah, the Photobucket account that I put those photos on still exists. Do you only date guys that are like him? >> I actually have never been with anyone like him, which is partially why I was so stupid about it. The only other person that is even anywhere near similar was Sigma, but Sigma’s problems were a different sort (and not quite as damaging). Last thing I knew, though, Sigma also has the same personality disorder, so, yeah -- similar. My lesson is “BPD folk and me do not mix well and we will hurt each other very badly -- or, at least, I will hurt myself very badly and the other person will remember me as a villain”.

#ex survey #(not going to put this one in the general tags)

1 note · View note

simmer-for-hire-blog · 6 years

Text

Why I haven’t been around.

Hoo boy, this is gonna be a Longpost™ so I’m probably gonna put it under a cut, just so you guys don’t have to look at the whole thing on your dash. But this is basically just gonna be me outlining why I haven’t been around on Tumblr, and more broadly just kinda everywhere. Also, there might be some darker themes and stuff, so I’ll make sure to put in the appropriate trigger warnings in the tags. And before any of you rush to judgments, no I’m not making this post to garner sympathy or for notes or anything like that. If anything I’m just trying to provide an explanation to those who follow me and are disappointed by my lack of posts, and potentially raise awareness for what I’m going through and provide some basic information. So hold on to your hats, because here we gooo! (There’s also gonna be some TMI in here about periods and stuff so if that kind of thing grosses you out then you probably shouldn’t read this tbh)

So I’ve had a few health problems - both physical and mental - that I’ve been trying to overcome over the past couple of years or so. Most of my problems concern the endocrine (hormone) system and reproductive organs, so if this is TMI, then it might be better for you to not continue reading as I will probably go into some detail.

For about a year or so, I’ve had the official diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS, but I’ve been suffering from it for a good five years or so idk? For those of you who aren’t familiar with it, it is a condition that is related to abnormal hormone production in the body, which results in characteristics such as excess hair growth, weight gain, irregular or no periods and - the main focal point - fluid-filled sacs growing in the ovaries, which can cause a lot of pain if they burst. I’d just like to make a note here that I am in no way an expert, so the information here may not be completely accurate, so I urge you to do your own research on this if you wish to find out more, rather than taking what I say as fact. My personal experience with this has been less severe than a lot of cases, I would say. I first started showing symptoms around 2014/2015, when my periods became irregular, and eventually stopped altogether over the period of about 4 months. Naturally, I went to see a doctor, and had maybe the worst experience I’ve ever had with a medical professional. It took him two years (still with no periods) to finally admit that something was wrong, and I ended up having to enter each medical appointment with the attitude that I would need to fight tooth and nail to get him to admit that I could have a problem. But eventually he agreed to send me for an ultrasound, and there it was found that I had a borderline amount of cysts (not enough for a certain diagnosis, but too many to say that there was nothing wrong), leading to a diagnosis being given, as I had a lot of other symptoms. There is no treatment for PCOS, as it cannot be cured, so all the doctors can do is suggest options to manage the symptoms. One such option is the contraceptive pill, which they put me on. I had such a terrible reaction to this that I stopped taking them because it was impossible for me to function as a human being while I was on them, as they worsened the disorder that I will tell you about next. However, when I came off the pill, I actually started getting periods again, which seemed like a miraculous recovery, until something worse happened...

So I was thinking that everything would be magically better when I started having periods again. Unfortunately for me this was not the case. After coming off the contraceptive pill, I had regular (yet very light) periods again. So this meant that the cycle of hormones was continuing normally. For the week or so leading up to my period until a couple of days into the period, where people would often experience PMS, it’s like I became a different person. I’d have episodes where I’d be so sad that I couldn’t get out of bed, and would sometimes barely be able to move. Obviously this caused me to miss a lot of school. I think my attendance at the end of this school year must have been like 50% or something. I’d also experience fits of violent rage, and overwhelming thoughts of self-harm and suicide. In February of this year, it all became too much for me, and I was admitted to the hospital after a suicide attempt. Luckily for me and everyone around me, I survived and was discharged a couple of days afterwards. My memory of the event is terrible due to the nature of the attempt so I couldn’t really tell you very much about my experience. It was a very strange period of time, because about halfway through each period, these symptoms would fade away, and I’d be left wondering why I’d ever had these thoughts and feelings, because they wouldn’t even cross my mind when these ‘episodes’ weren’t going on. It was during this time that a family member sent me a link to an article. This article was about a woman who, like me, suffered an almost complete personality change for a few weeks per month, in a seemingly cyclical nature. Like me, this started when she first got her periods and didn’t affect her all the time. The only difference is that her periods were always regular, whereas I had barely had any due to the PCOS. This woman was diagnosed with a disorder called Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder, or PMDD. A lot of the information is on the website that I have linked, but feel free to do your own research if you’re curious. To summarise, it is a disorder caused by sensitivity to normal hormone fluctuations that causes extreme mood swings, depression, anxiety, bursts of rage etc. between ovulation and bleeding (which basically means the week or two leading up to your period). For me, this disorder is crippling, and has destroyed any chance of a life I could have had. I cannot continue any form of education, I cannot work (I had a job for about an hour before I couldn’t take it but that’s another story), so there’s not much to do with my life. Lately I have been thinking long and hard about some information that I’ve recently come across. According to the Equality Act of 2010 (this applies to me because I live in the UK, but it’ll be different in other countries), a disability is defined as ‘having a physical or mental impairment that has a substantial and long term negative effect on your ability to do normal day to day activities’. According to this definition, my PMDD is a disability, but I haven’t fully read up on the legislation, so I couldn’t whether legally it would count or anything like that. I also don’t know how I feel about being defined as ‘disabled’, because mental disorders aren’t typically seen as being disabling in our society and there’s a stigma around people with disabilities being ‘helpless’ and I’m certainly not that, and I don’t want to undermine people who suffer from physical disabilities by calling myself ‘disabled’, so there’s a whole host of reasons why I don’t want to jump to that.

Contrary to what I’ve been saying here, there is actually hope for me. PMDD and PCOS are not completely curable per se, but there are ways to manage and educe symptoms, so I can live a normal life (PMDD is more curable than PCOS however, which has been touched upon in the article I linked earlier, and I will briefly discuss in a second). However, so far my GP has been of absolutely no help, and I fully intend to complain officially because the way they have treated me is appalling and has basically ruined the current state of my life. That is why I decided to see a private specialist. I am so lucky that my family have the financial security needed to be able to afford a private healthcare consultation, because I received so much more help from them in the half hour consultation than I ever received from my GP in the four years that I have been going to them for help on these matters. The private doctor listened to the timeline of events that I laid out for her, and the full extent of what is currently going on, and recommended that I take vitamin supplements, as they have been proven to slightly manage PMDD symptoms, and prescribed a five-day contraceptive which would hopefully get my periods kick-started again, as I have missed the last four months with no sign of them returning. I’m currently on the last day of this contraceptive, and I’ve been suffering with really bad PMDD (didn’t really help that I was out drinking on friday which usually makes my symptoms worse, but oh well, it was a good night), so hopefully these will yield results within a couple of days. The consultant is also following up with a colleague in London who is an expert on this kind of thing, and will shoot me an email if she finds anything else out. Treatment options for PMDD can include inducing menopause early or even a hysterectomy (removal of the female reproductive organ), but I have been told that hopefully it will not come to that.

So yeah, that’s been my journey so far. During this time, it’s been difficult, even impossible, to keep up with this blog. I hope that you understand why I haven’t been able to update regularly. If you have any questions, please ask me, and I’ll try to the best of my ability to answer all of them. If you’ve read this far, thank you for sticking with me, and by the way, thank you for 738 followers! I really don’t deserve that much love and support considering I haven’t made a post in months, but it means a lot. I hope this post informed you all about what I’ve been dealing with and all that, and I’ll try to make some sort of recovery in order to keep posting here. I love you guys xx

#non sims #mental illness tw #self-harm tw #suicide tw

6 notes · View notes

purplesurveys · 6 years

Text

334

Have you ever read the Hunger Games series? No, I was never into the series. I did watch the first movie and fairly enjoyed it. When was the last time you ran into something? As clumsy as I am, I don’t remember tripping onto anything recently. Do you enjoy dressing up? Not really. Do you live in the city or a rural area? City. I prefer it that way. Would you say you have a sense of style? I guess? I get good comments on my outfits most days so that must mean I’m doing something right.

What's your biggest fear? It changes everyday. For today, it’s knives. Have you ever been bitten by a wild animal? No. That’s a big fear of mine too. Are you close to any of your cousins? Yes, I’m close to one of them and I treat him as an older brother. I used to be super close to my cousins on my dad’s side, but since we gradually moved farther and farther away from each other, the closeness faded and we don’t give each other anything more than hi’s whenever we come over to see their family. I wish we could change that soon :( Have you ever been lost in the woods? No, that’s the very reason why I don’t walk around in the woods. Where did you last travel? I went to Nasugbu if that counts as traveling. Do you enjoy driving? If I’m not stuck in traffic for 3/4 of the ride then yes. Unfortunately that’s the case in Metro Manila. What song did you last listen to? APESHIT by Beyonce and Jay-Z. If you have a job, how often do you work? No work, just university life for the next two years. What time do you normally go to sleep at night? It differs every night. There are nights I could stay up till 1 AM, some other times I’d rather be in bed by 9:30. Do you watch a lot of movies? I used to. I haven’t found the enthusiasm to watch new movies recently. Do you like Tom Petty? I don’t really have any comment? Would you rather have snow or rain? I love both. Do you own a lot of sweaters? No, that’s not necessary here. A couple of sweaters is fine. Have you ever tried rock-climbing? Like once. Ever ridden in a police car? Nope. Favorite decade of music? I don’t have a favorite decade. Have any of your best friends been your best friend longer than a year? Both of my best friends have been around for more than five years. Even Sofie, even though I’ve drifted away from her already. Ever witnessed a murder? No and I hope to god that’s something I never have to go through. Do you care what people think of you? No, unless I look up to you. Does your room have a ceiling fan? I don’t believe that ceiling fans actually work, so no. Would you consider yourself poised? Most of the time. But when I get jumpy it’s really bad. Have you ever tried blogging? Yes. I never lasted more than four entries on every blog I’ve ever made my whole life, and I made a fuckton of Blogspots, LiveJournals, and Wordpresses. I do last on microblogging though, manifested by my being on Tumblr since 2010. Favorite television channel? I don’t use the television for cable TV anymore... Have you ever lied under oath? No. I’ve never been under oath. What are your religious views? None. Are you a romantic person? I am, but I think I would be so much more romantic if I had more money. My love language for other people is material things; that being said, I loooove spoiling the people I love because they deserve everything. When did you last change your bed sheets? A couple of weeks ago. Would you consider yourself a flirt? As a demisexual, the concept of flirting makes me uncomfortable, so no. At what age do you plan to be married? 27. I wanted it to be 25, but Gabie freaked out at how early it was so we agreed on 27. Do you eat a lot of junk food? Yes I love junk food. When did you last go on vacation? Last April. Are you resilient? Some situations. I’m easy to disappoint sometimes too though. Have you ever failed a subject before? I’ve never failed one in college and I don’t plan to. I cared less in high school so I did fail geometry, chemistry, and advanced algebra. Didn’t keep me from being admitted into the top university in the country though ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ If so, what was the class? ^ Mentioned it all there. I don’t remember if I also failed calculus or not. Do you wear more bright or dull colors? Dull. Do you know anyone who has attempted suicide? Yes, and I know people who have succeeded. It’s a sad reality. What's your favorite quote? I don’t have one. Would you consider yourself mature? I guess, but I have my petty moments too. How many clocks are in your house? Two. There’s one in the dining room and the other one is on our cable provider’s set top box. Do you play any sports? Table tennis. Have you ever been injured in a car accident? Nope.

If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you be? Somewhere with snow and zero sun. Have you ever had highlights in your hair? Nope, not a fan. Favorite fast food restaurant? Jollibee. In what country were you born? The Philippines. Are your eyes more than one color? No, they’ve been dark brown for the last 20 years. Have you ever caught something on fire? I don’t think so? Hahahaha I’m scared of fire so I think I’ve been extra careful this whole time. What would you consider your biggest flaw? I hate criticism unless it’s told to me super super super SUPER gently. What do you think your best quality is? I’m really good at reading people so it’s easier to understand them and much easier to detect problems. Do you enjoy listening to others' problems? I don’t enjoy listening to someone who’s, say, talking to me about parental abuse, but I do become the dump for my friends’ problems regularly and it at least makes me happy knowing I’m being a good friend from that. Do you keep any plants in your house? My mom keeps the plants. I don’t. What is your mother's occupation? She works at a 5-star hotel as some sort of executive secretary or something. Her titles are always long so I don’t bother to know anymore. Do any of your friends like your musical style? I don’t share my music with my friends. What are you most looking forward to? Friday because this week is going to be shit. What was your favorite television show as a child? Hi-5 was my shit. Are you afraid of insects? Yep. Are you cold-natured? Most of the time. How old were you when you got your first pet? I was probablyyyy 5-6 when we got our first goldfish. Goldfish would remain our staple pet for the next 5 years. Did you/do you enjoy high school? I enjoyed the friends part of it. I had a REALLY great time in high school when it came to my friends; I was lucky to have found a home in my friend group before school ended. I hated everything else about it. Most of the teachers, the close-mindedness, the Catholic education, the unnecessary calculus, blegh. What would you say was your favorite age? Year 16 was unbelievably kind to me. What annoys you most about social networking? It’s a tie between so many people who subtweet and so many people who share their privileged, expensive, flashy-ass lives. Are you the center of attention most of the time? No I hate that. What are you currently reading? Guess what!!! I can finally answer this question!!!!! Gabie bought me AJ Lee’s Crazy Is My Superpower when we saw it at a bookstore while on a date. It’s a super rare find as it’s never in any store, so the second I saw it she swiped it off the shelf and handed it to the cashier. I’m like 30 pages away from finishing it, so I also started on Chris Jericho’s A Lion’s Tale: Around the World in Spandex. Both are wrestling autobiographies, which at the end of the day is my favorite genre of books. When did you last go to the library? Last Wednesday because I needed to get something printed. Are you ill at the moment? Nope. Never am. Do people tease you about anything? Yeah my orgmates impersonate me a lot. How late did you stay up last night and why? 12 AM because I had been reading Jericho’s book. Have you ever written poetry? Only when we had to pass a poem assignment in high school. I hate poetry and only tolerate it when my girlfriend reads a poem out loud to me. Curtains or shades? Shades. It’s what a lot of houses here use. How many people have you spoken to in the last hour? Just my mom. Do you tend to text a lot? I text Gab a lot. Ever lost a great best friend? Yeah. Sofie was pretty solid during the time we were inseparable, but I don’t know...it just dawned on me one day that we have drastically different personalities, and not in the opposites-attract way. Beyond our shared love for Audrey Hepburn, our personalities were worlds, worlds apart. I just knew it was going to have to stop somewhere. She was amazing though. At the end of the day I don’t think about her or miss her a lot, so I think that just proved my point. What is your favorite kind of flower? Whatever flower my girlfriend gives me. How tall are you? I’d say a little below 5′2″. Do you own any guns? Nope. What would you say is your favorite book of all-time? I haven’t christened a book with that title. Do you think you're living a good life? I’m not gonna deny the fact that I am privileged in a lot of aspects. But mental health destructs a lot of that. It’s what’s keeping me from having a completely good life. What's your least favorite part of the day? The morning. Are you an over-achiever? Nah, just an achiever. Have you ever won an award for a speech? No. Do you tend to curse a lot? I do. Have you ever played on the Ouija board? No but I’ve always wanted to! But only with the lights on and in broad daylight. Do you sleepwalk? I did it once when I was 9. Never happened again. Have you ever slept on the floor before? Many times. Are you a fan of public displays of affection? Only between LGBT couples hahaha. When did you last attend a yard sale? Years ago? I don’t really go. Do you wish your life were simpler or more interesting? Interesting. I’m always waiting for something exciting. What goals do you wish to accomplish tomorrow? Get through my class without breaking down. Repeat for the next four days. When is your birthday? April 21st. Which is worse: going blind or deaf? I dunno, that isn’t really a competition and shouldn’t be treated as such. What was the best part of today? Welp it’s 7:42 AM so it’s too soon to tell; but right now I do have the time to finally take surveys again so there’s that. Do you attempt to stay away from drama? I like sipping the tea, but I don’t mix the tea myself. What liquid did you last drink? Water. I only ever drink water... Do you ever prefer to be alone? Some times. Occasionally I’d yearn for the presence of friends too. Have you ever had a deadly animal as a pet? No. Favorite Disney movie? Tangled or Toy Story. Have you ever been to the beach? Of course, but it’s been two months since I last went. :( If you have, how many times have you been? Way too many times. I live in an archipelago so beaches are pretty accessible. What was your dream occupation at age ten? My old Grade 4 assignments would say that at 10, I wanted to be a writer. Are you terrified at the idea of weight-gain? No. In fact I’m really looking to gain weight in the next few years because I find myself way too skinny. I can’t wear a lot of clothes because of it; I have had to give away pretty culottes to my sister, who actually weighs like a normal person. Do you drink a lot of water? Sure; I love water. Does your room have carpet or hard-wood floors? Hardwood. Philippine houses never do carpet. Do you take naps daily? As much as I can. Not daily because I’m always busy during the day. Do you plan on traveling this spring or summer? My family’s travel schedule is unconventional since we always plan our travels only for when my dad is home, so that we’re complete. That said, we don’t always book trips strictly during the summer. Depending on when he comes back, we can travel right smack in the middle of the school year, a day before my exams, etc. Do you know anyone who is colorblind? I don’t think so. Have you ever been a teacher's pet? I sort of have. I wanted to be my prof’s favorite in his art studies class because I heard he didn’t give 1.00′s (which is the highest grade you get in my uni). So I recited a lot, interpreted paintings even though I had no clue what I was saying, and had a memorized speech for our big Powerpoint presentation requirement. Ended the class with a 1.00. What is your absolute favorite hobby? Going to museums. How many times a day do you brush your teeth? Once or twice. Ever been to a tanning bed before? I don’t need that. 107,000,000 Filipinos don’t need tanning beds. Are you satisfied with your financial stability? I am satisfied with my *family’s financial stability. I don’t make money myself yet. Who is your favorite actor/actress? Kate Winslet and Kristen Stewart. Do you model your life after anything? No. What's the meanest thing you've ever said to someone? I’ve never gone over the edge with anyone because I know exactly how it feels to be told anything hurtful. Do you ever accidentally talk to inanimate objects? Yeah I say sorry to stuff when I bump into them. What's your favorite flavor of ice cream? Cookies and cream, or anything with cookie or brownie chunks. Have you ever kissed someone of the same gender? That’s sort of the dynamic of my relationship. If you could, would you have a pen pal? No. What color are the pants you're wearing? Brown, but they’re shorts. Have you ever had a stalker? Nope. What is your life philosophy? You don’t have to be blood to be family. Who last sent you a goodnight text message? My girlfriend, AKA the only person who sends me those things. Do you own any clothes that are your favorite color? Yes for black, none for pink. Have you ever been in a hot tub before? Sure. What's your favorite comedy movie? It’s not limited to comedy, but The Proposal.

In which year were you born? 1998.

#survey #surveys

2 notes · View notes