#i doing extremely horribly mentally

[fitzrove]

Re my previous post: On the other hand as far as I know nobody is working on a serious apologist /j biography of luigi lucheni, anarchist and one of the most dangerous. If I was more insane and not scared of reputation loss I would do that 💀💀💀💀

EDIT: a snippet from my drafts:

#i have so many posts in my drafts from when i was planning a fic 😂😂😂💀💀💀 #basically: not to get put on a watchlist but imagine you're some guy with a shitty life in the late 19th century and your only wish is to #achieve fame and posterity #like you're pretty much never going to do that unless you do something horrible #royalty is famous automatically bastard peasants only if they murder someone important........ #not saying it is a good or just goal - at one point he was comfortably employed in the household of a duke but threw it away #like he could've lived a decent life but he left that job on a whim and couldnt get back on his feet so became radicalised #obviously there is mental illness & lack of social cohesion and opportunity & rash personality at work there #none of those excuse murder but just saying. almost all of the lucheni articles out there are extremely unsympathetic of him #for gods sake rudolf killed at least two (2) people and we have meow meow literature of him... it's time for a lucheni era #history #💀😭😂

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

I feel like I'm gonna fucking die

#my mom made me feel guilty about the music I listen to bc I got my sister into Paramore and our mom REALLY disapproves of Pmore #I accidentally dropped a small item down the toilet mid-flush and now I'm sick worrying what's gonna happen #i have to go to worship practice tonight and deal with an extremely difficult sound technician #youth group has been horribly stressful #i need to do a ton of work still tonight #I just found out I massively screwed up on a job app a couple weeks ago #and I just want to like. disappear for a while #just like. poof. no more Lu for a bit #I feel like Anything I do is gonna be Wrong somehow #I can't listen to music to chill bc i feel guilty ABOUT LISTENING TO MUSIC #I don't think I have the mental space to read rn bc I'm reading fricking house of leaves #if I tried to write I would probably hate what comes out #but idk that seems the most promising at this point that's the only thing I can honestly say I want to do #Lu rambles #sorry for the language I just needed to vent

[soldier-poet-king]

Got asked for my professional opinion today on a complex legal issue by a much senior coworker 😭🥺 on the basis of my response, i got asked to join in on a meeting with some higher ups to explain what I had explained to said coworker 😭🥺 I am going to get a good grade in Career and Being Smart, something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve

#alas my boss isnt here today to see how smart and competent i am when ppl as abt stuff I actually know abt #im sorry. i find thid one weird niche legal thing. SO INTERESTING #it was a sort or coworker who asked. shes also an archivist. but soon to be retired. and for a related but separate org #but our offices our next to each other #and i got to be smart and competent:) #nothing like riding that high of being extremely knowledgeable abt random specific things #its like. the same high i got from being in school #i DONT miss writing a billion essays a term. i DO miss positive reinforcement and academic approvak #since academics is the only thing i was ever good at #yes yes gifted kid burnout but more like. i was a poorly adjusted mental ill kid but i did Good In School tm #so no one ever bothered to help me. and now academics are the only way o can feel valued #I LOVE BEING COMPETENT AND SMART. #there i said it. i AM a horrible prideful gremlin #and its been a year since grad and thats the longest I've ever gone without teacher/professor approval #im dying. need me some external validation #i am goid at what i do. there i. said jt #i am a good information professional. i like metatdata. and finnicky digital files. and obscured IP issues that only affect #*affect very certain types of fonds #I EVEN LIKED REWRITING A LEGAL DEED #who have i become. alternate universe me was a bureaucrat. im so sorry. i love paperwork #and i love being PRECISE. everything needs to be finnicky and exact and say what it means and mean what it says #and it all has to be in service of smthn bigger and greater and more good #ironically. in my personal time. i am. messy lil bitch. but theres no room for finnicky wordsmith puzzles irl #i like this far more as a job. #sorry rae we were just talking abt how u hate medical records management and here i am like. 😍😍😍 legal issues in archives

[cicidraws]

im not well.

#i typed a whole thing out and yall are exhausted enough treating my art blog like a diary im sure. writing physically hurts. #and im already alone on adaily basis enough i wouldnt lie about the fact im glad if someone sees me - not for attention #but to know im alive. im relaly just by myself. #but im really not well and im trying so hard to stay out of hte hospital bc i cant afford it neither can my dad and i have no income #barely can afford half the groceries we have or rent. #im just really not okay right now. im not. im not going to sugarcoat that. im eXTREMELY unwell. #i will not be having a mental health check bc that happened before and the cops made fun of me horrifically and belittled me #and i will not be going to hte hsopital. unless i end up actually doing something #but i am so fighitngdoing something always im just so tired i really am so tired. #i dont wanna do this anymore or be here anymore i really dont #if you hear me out thank you but blacklist my tag #shutupcici - #im sorry fro making this art blog horrible to deal with or me to deal with by making this my diary at this point #im gonna try to stop that but its hard being alone.i really am #negative // #sui //

[h-f-k]

-

#i will spare all of you the incoming mental breakdown and say: i forgot how horrible it was to apply for jobs #i was watching dungeons & drag queens and OUT OF NOWHERE my brain was like #'HAHA you're watching d&d on a monday morning. how does it feel to be extremely unemployed?' #and i rushed to linkedin to search for jobs but i hate every single offer and now i'm depressed #why do you need enemies when you have your fucking brain right?

[intertexts-moving]

would u rec worm :0 <-looked it up and is intrigued but isnt sure if i should dedicate time 2 reading it

OH. GOD. OKAY. yes 100% i would recommend worm but with a lot of caveats. the main caveats: worm is an extremely fucked up book that verges closer to horror/grimdark than superhero comic. the main premise revolves around a girl who can control insects. this book is cover-to-cover insect horror. there are multiple instances of insects being shoved into human orifices. there are a handful of instances of meticulously described body horror (only one major one.) it is extremely heavy and violent; there's a lot of escalation of stakes and tragedy and not much comfort at all. there is almost always at least one annihilation-level scenario on in the background.

other post that is more articulate ab recommending worm

THAT BEING SAID. worm is without a doubt one of my very favorite novels of all time. it completely realigned my perception of superhero fiction & honestly fiction in general & i came out the other side of worm w/ my brain fundamentally changed. despite being almost 2 million words long it somehow has the ability to grab your attention & have u on the edge of your seat the Entire Time. it has. insanely meticulous and realistic worldbuilding and some of the most inventive ideas ever. if you like superheroes at all or are interested in superhero media you should 100% read worm. if you're interested in well-executed escalation of stakes or genre deconstruction or really fucking metal fight scenes & villains & extremely well written characters you should read worm.

#if you start it or like it PLEASE let me know btw. i'm fucking insane abt this thing it makes me so excited whenevr a mutual gets into it.. #!!!!!!!!!!!! #asks :) #other various things that i like ab worm: theres some really good found family. it gets um. fucked up later but there's some genuinely #delightful friendship dynamics that make the tragedy a lot better than it would be otherwise. theres some INSANE revenge shit. if u like #scenes where the protagonist Fucking Snaps and goes insanely overkill in extremely satisfying ways u might like worm. #protagonist is honestly like. extremely competent but also the worst mental and emotional and moral wreck in the world. just a terrible #dogshit girl who is constantly a horrible mess doing shit and retroactively justifying it and trying so hard to believe she is a Good #Person. theres homoeroticism. theres kaiju. >:3c

[maraschinotopped]

cringetober day 15 (song lyrics). sorry im still soooo mentally ill over these two <3 song is taixu by sasakure.UK. if i had the patience and will to make a 4 minute long pmv to this song about these two id do it in a heartbeat.

#[cherry on top] #i wanted to try and do the style of the pmv i have in my head of this song... #i think i got it pretty close. i think the lines would just be a bit thinner! #god..... <- sooooo close to just saying fuck it and trying to do the pmv anyway. #<- this would be an absolutely horrible idea but the mental illness is extremely strong </3

[beepmon]

i’m panicking about my health, my car, school, my future, my relationships with ppl, about my entire life rn p much

#bumbles (bee mumbles) #as much as i hated my dad i did feel a certain amount of security when i could rely on him for the few things i could #he was like a car necromancer #it would function but just kinda barely zombie like vers #and now that he’s passed almost all at once all the cars and things he’s fixed up are breaking #like he infused his soul into them and they no longer has his ecto goop to hold it together #i’ve been ignoring my health problems bc i really hate going to the dr #idk maybe it’s bc i’m fat but they always dismiss my problems and i really am not mentally strong enough to advocate for myself #i tell them i’m in pain and something is wrong and they do maybe two tests and say we can’t find anything bye #and so i just feel like an idiot for going #bc obviously i’m just making a big deal out of nothing #i don’t want to be doing school this semester after last semester i ended up in urgent care twice bc my stress got to my body so hard #i’m taking less classes/more classes i’m actually interested in #but i feel like i’m gonna fall apart horribly again and i just transferred and feel so aimless #but i also feel extremely obligated to go bc that was the last thing my dad wanted from me before he passed #i feel so fucking stupid his death has effected me so bad he was an abusive monster #i feel so disconnected from my sisters that i was super close with #i fee like i’m talking to a wall of past interactions and neither of us can see who we currently are #i feel like i can’t connect to the ppl around me #i’ve been disassociating too often i accidentally keep checking out which is pissing ppl off #i’m so tired and fatigued and depressed that ppl can’t really rely on my and i fee useless and like a drain #plus i just feel so scared all the time recently like all the worst case scenarios are plaguing me #like scared my car is going to explode or my cat is going to have a heart attack or ppl died while traveling or some freak accident

[haarute]

i'm sorry but as someone who is always trying to understand most things and most people, the reaction a lot of folks have of immediately dismissing something or jumping to an outrage without having a second to try to reflect on a situation or process empathy is something that i will never relate to and i consider to be a bad mentality to have if left unchecked actually

#not a response to any specific situations that might or might not be the topic of conversation today on tumblr dot com #it's just a general thought that i always have. #and i tend to unfollow people for this sometimes lmao sorry. it just makes me uncomfortable. and i see it frequently. #i've said this before but #i feel like often you can kinda see who has had life experiences that were unfair to them and being angry was their way out into freedom #(which does make sense in the transgender and gay website) #so they default to applying that state to most things because it is What Feels Right To Me Actually and i can't blame them for doing so. #but then there's people like me who like. my life experiences have led me into the Guilt Pit #where i am trying extremely hard to be measured and understanding because i have been very emotionally reactive in the past #or have witnessed things where very emotionally reactive people have caused horrible things to others around them #and i hate that actually and i try as hard as i can not to be that. #which is why i also feel like whenever i see it in other people i'm like. oh boy. i would not get along with you lmao. #and i feel like these are two opposite mentalities that are definitely detrimental to you if gone too far into either direction #so i don't necessarily think either is bad or anything. as long as you're able to pull yourself back and realize that like #you Should dedicate some thought to the rest of the world actually and not default to just ''what i feel is correct always'' #and on the other end realize that sometimes you just have to Let Go #because caring about Everything is unrealistic and you will go Insane and lose your own self if you try to feel for too many other things #which is what i had to learn the hard way. #and also like. sometimes the immediate ''fuck you'' reaction Is super valid. and it's important to learn when that is the case. #but yeah. anyway. mentality. ways of seeing the world. people being different. wooooo. #rambling again in tags sorry.

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

mostly I choose to blatantly ignore most plot points that happened while Bruce was lost in time but occasionally I get the whim to write something that actually reworks some of it in a way that 1) is actually in character and 2) is flagrantly self-indulgent

#like... I want to write the cass and tim grief buddies interlude #i want to figure out dickie trying so hard to keep his family together that he accidentally tears it apart instead #i want to write the passive-aggressive timberly making a truce with equally malcontent damian #on the basis of ''brothers amiright?'' #i want to write the extremely specific gun scene i have such a vivid mental image of #but also. do i really want to put in the effort to sort through all that crap? nah not really #not enough to actually *do it* #so all this just lives in my head #i DO have a lot of meta about dick and ''i was so ahead of the curve the curve became a sphere'' during this arc #which is to say he's trying so hard to help everyone as much as he can and hold what's left of the family together #that he ends up screwing things up even more bc it's Too Much for him to handle alone #but he thinks he has to. and he's trying not to choose between his siblings but he ends up doing it anyway #and hurting everyone including himself in the process #bc when under pressure people can make some horrible choices thinking they're the right ones #trust me i have thought EXTENSIVELY about this #Lu rambles #delete later probably

[coridallasmultipass]

.

#had a really rough mental health day bc i went thru the shit i bought and kept brand new for when i move out again #its still brand new and packed away and i feel like shit about it but its organized into one bin now #i watched the 2022 puss in boots and loved it and showered and im still feeling like crap #idk what i want to do rn nothing seems appealing i just want it to be tomorrow already so i can start over and do something else #i kinda wanna like... cozy down and watch saw since its been a while but like im probably gonna get too tired to finish #and what if the nostalgia just makes me feel worse yknow? #i wanna hashtag treat yoself but like my brain isnt making this easy i feel so horrible and such a failure #i cant even finish my therapy assignment of naming positive qualities ab myself bc all my positive qualities are driven by anxiety... #...or extreme as to make me feel alienated from the rest of society #whats an objectively positive trait in someone else is something that makes me weird and unlikeable and not normal #alright fuck it im gonna put on saw i need comfort pls be comforting rn i dont want to think about anything else #vent #personal #delete later / /

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

uh oh! worlds stupidest little guy used the wrong lotion and now everything smells like my childhood bathroom and the year is 2016 and its february which means its almost valentines day which is perhaps the most accursed date on the calendar and the year is 2016 and your least favorite little guy is in full blown survival panic mode!

#fuuuuuuuuck #head in hands #i fucking . have had perhaps the worst week ive had in years . including all my time in indy last year #i have not had a single win since . idk. last saturday maybe ? #uhhhhh i dont like springtime its the most painfully nostalgic time of year #and idk why i even have this lotion but everything is dry and itchy so i was like hey im gonna treat myself to some basic self care #and now my apartment smells like my second suicide attempt and everything is horrible actually . into the garbage with you. #im going to stick my legs into the fireplace and hopefully the smell of burning flesh will drown it out!!!!! #that is. not serious. im just like. fuck #i was supposed to go home tommorrow but yet another tragedy has struck because the universe fucking hates me #so now i domt know whether i want to or not #like. is it better to grieve alone in my apartment where i (usually) feel safe #or should i go home and be surrounded by grieving family which is. a whole other process i dont know if i want to deal with #pros. i get to see loki and i am extremely pet deprived . cons. my parents are going to ask me questions about my life #and also i have to sleep in my childhood bedroom a week away from my most mentally ill day of the damn year #ugm. um. yeah #i need to cry but i havent been able to cry in a really long time and i know it would be cathartic #but also its already 1030 pm and i cant spend two more hours having a sobbing fest because i have work in the morning #and i dont know how to make myself cry without doing things that would be even more damaging to my mental state #so instead i will stare at a wall and hope the smell goes away and try to fall asleep. i fucking guess #uhhhhhhhhhhhhhg #im holding it together by a fucking thread and boy is it fraying

[queertransetc]

- ED trigger warning -

Being skinny ruined my life. If you’re thin and think to yourself, “why don’t fat people just lose weight?” Please read this

I was the “ideal fat” in the sense that I did everything skinny people wanted me to do. I tried every diet in the book. I exercised regularly. I worked with doctors and dietitians to figure out the best way to lose weight. But nothing worked. I did everything “right” to lose weight, and my weight stayed the same

But the thin people in my life kept telling me that I wouldn’t be happy, attractive, healthy, etc. until I lost weight. So, heartbroken, I came to the conclusion that anorexia was the only option left. It felt safer than bariatric surgery, and was obviously much more affordable

I became the perfect anorexic. 700 cal a day or less, except once a week I allowed myself 1400 cal. For reference, my body required at least 2800 to maintain weight, and at least 1800 to keep my organs and stuff fully functioning. Still, 700 a day, I persisted because everyone in my life told me weight loss was all that mattered. If dieting didn’t work, anorexia had to

And it did. My weight dropped all the way down to 110 pounds. I was skinny - underweight, even - in all sense of the word. The people in my life saw it as a miracle. The ultimate success story. My mother, my “friends,” my doctors, they all congratulated me on my accomplishment

When I confessed my eating disorder to my doctor, he told me, “that’s not the best way to go about it, but I’m glad you lost the weight.” My mother took pictures of me and sent them to relatives to brag

Okay, great. I was skinny. I did what I set out to do. But there were severe consequences

The most obvious was my joint pain doubled, maybe even tripled, to the point that I couldn’t leave the house without a wheelchair

I also developed several health complications, including fatty liver disease and extremely painful GERD. I had to see a handful of specialists and get an endoscopy because of severe stomach pain

My partner, who was the only person who saw my weight loss for what it was (a horrible thing that only happened because of an eating disorder), convinced me to enter a recovery program

For nearly a year, I relearned how to feed myself. I ate everything I was told to eat, nothing more and nothing less. My diet was 100% in the hands of somebody else

And I gained back every pound I has lost. All of the work to become thin went right out the window. It was proven to me that thinness and health were incompatible with my body. If I wanted to be thin, I had to forgo my physical and mental well-being. And vise-versa

Prior to the anorexia, I never once struggled with binge eating. I was naturally an intuitive eater, and I did a good job of having a well rounded diet. After the anorexia, after recovery, I developed a binge eating disorder. I had spent so long starving myself, that my brain and body got stuck in survival mode, desperate to consume any and all calories out of fear that I might starve again. To this day I struggle with binge eating

I did everything thin people wanted of me. I dieted. I exercised. And when all else failed, I starved myself. Now I have liver disease, stomach issues, and BED. Not to mention the loads of mental issues that accumulated as a result of my weight loss journey. During the throes of my anorexia, I had to be hospitalized for suicidal ideation

When you tell fat people to “just lose weight” you are suggesting they give themselves illnesses for which treatments are not always effective. You are asking fat people to destroy their stomachs and livers. When a fat person loses so much weight that they become skinny, they are likely giving up so much of their health in efforts to be treated like a human being

If you’re thin, do your part. Treat fat people like people before we tear our bodies apart

#Lincoln logs #fatphobia // #eating disorder // #fat liberation #body positivity