#where i am trying extremely hard to be measured and understanding because i have been very emotionally reactive in the past | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

roo-bastmoon · 10 months

Text

The Great Radio Debate: Roo's (limited) Understanding of this Issue UPDATED

Disclaimer: Sensitive topics are discussed below the cut; please do not incite drama, speak hate, or engage in bullying. This is a collection of my thoughts about what is currently happening with regard to Jungkook's single SEVEN and the implications it could mean for Jikook and ARMY. If you click below this cut, you are assuming responsibility for your own behavior and agreeing to engage with my blog and others respectfully, or you will be blocked.

We now by know that Jimin's music was not promoted to radio. We know this because when we went to request it from various major radio stations, it was not an option in the drop-downs; we had to manually type it in. Being "sent / promoted / serviced to radio" means a compressed file is sent from the company to radio stations so DJs can play high-def spins that are universally compatible with their station's set up.

None of Jimin's songs for Face were serviced:

The airplay audience was the lowest for any song this decade:

The controversy around Jungkook's SEVEN began last week when one DJ tweeted the following:

As we now know, "serviced to radio" means they sent a compressed file (which they SHOULD have done for Like Crazy English Version, but didn't). They did service to radio for Butter and Dynamite and it was a huge help. Even Yet to Come was serviced, so it cracked Top 50 on the charts, but none of Face's songs were sent, which makes zero business sense any achievement on that chart amazing.

Because even when serviced, it doesn't guarantee spins... "Add" means they hope radio stations will add the song to rotation:

But then the DJ had to go and say this:

So they have already sent SEVEN to the radios, hoping for spins. And now one person is publicly saying the song absolutely will get spins immediately. This heavily implies payola, because why else would a song without demand or requests immediately spin multiple times on everyone's shows the second it was released?

I feel (I, Roo Bastmoon, personally think and feel) Seven is being pushed this way for two reasons:

Billboard's recent changes around what kind of sales (physical, digital, bundled) will counts on the charts puts songs without radio play at an extreme, nigh-insurmountable disadvantage; even with excellent streams (which are heavily culled and filtered), it will be hard to break into the top 50.

Additionally, Taylor Swift's Speak Now re-release has dropped this week and will be gunning for the charts next week when Jungkook debuts, and that is a personal problem for Scooter Braun.

For those not familiar (as I surely wasn't; I live under a rock), Taylor Swift felt compelled to leave her old management company back in 2018. To do so, she had to abandon the rights to any original music she made with them. They kept her masters and sold them off to Scooter Braun.

Each time someone wanted to play one of her original songs, they had to ask his permission and pony up money for a license fee. Scooter Braun also managed Kanye, and I'm sure everyone knows the Beyoncé is the Greatest of All Time award show fiasco that led to some bad blood between those two artists, so it added insult to injury for Taylor.

Taylor has now re-recorded everything and released Speak Now: Taylor's Version. Of COURSE her fans are motivated to support her and get every single song they can into the highest position on the Hot 100 for as long as possible... and frankly, I am not a Swiftie but I can't blame them because if someone did that to BTS, I'd make it my life's mission to chart them as a big Fuck You, too.

But it does put a lot of pressure on Jungkook's single, because now it's very likely been weaponized in a personal dick-measuring contest where Scooter is concerned. Not sure if I mentioned it but I truly hate that man so I'm not sure I can be impartial when talking about him but I will try.

So Jungkook's single has been set up so far with pre-orders on iTunes and compressed files to radio, which is a first for any member's solo work. He also has a debut stage on Good Morning America, which has a huge range beyond k-pop.

So far, none of this is foul play. It is a company doing its best to represent and set up the best conditions for its artist under changed circumstances. You can make a case for favoritism, clearly, but at the end of the day, companies are about making profits and sometimes they grossly underestimate what has potential and what the market wants.

The issues fans are facing now around Seven lie in:

1) the neglect around Jimin's Like Crazy English Version, which is still so stable that it could be smashing charts if only it would get radio play so this just seems to make zero business sense and be more of a slight than anything else, so Jikookers are left wondering what that means for the relationship and,

2) the fear that Hybe America under Scooter Braun has abandoned BTS' founding values and taken the easy way out by paying to play on radio, which would severely damage credibility that BTS worked so hard to build as an organic, fan-driven success.

I think we'll have to wait to see how many sales, streams, and spins Jungkook gets to figure out if payola was likely. Maybe that one DJ was tweeting his own assumptions like they were facts. Or maybe Hybe has now decided to do payola. If that is so... not gonna lie, I will be extremely disappointed. I will need to take a break and figure out what this means for me as a fan.

The next question is how much did Jungkook know about all this? There seems to be two camps of thought here: one says the boys are involved in every step of the way and choose everything that happened around their releases.

(I know Jimin is very humble but I HIGHLY doubt he ever said to his company "Please rush my release in between other releases so I get physically sick trying to keep up with it; please never restock my physicals in WeVerse and don't send a file for the English song I studied for to US radios; and please also never post about my world record nor celebrate my albums' success in any way; yes, I worked 10+ months on this very personal opus but I absolutely don't want any of that." I very, very much doubt the ways Face was handled after Hot 100 #1 was Jimin's choice. This also makes me doubt if all the ways Seven will be handled will be Jungkook's choice.)

The second camp of thought is that the artists have absolutely no say in the marketing and promotion styles of their work, and that they are kept out of sales matters altogether. And here's the limit of my understanding, because I've not seen or read much on Hybe / BigHit's strategic plans around distribution for either BTS' group or solo works.

(Side Note: I have seen them set up TXT for a Billboard Top Ten, only for their collab to come in at #135, which shows a gross misunderstanding of their market right now--as well as disregard for their artists' feelings and reputations. My heart goes out to those boys; they worked hard.)

But drawing on my own experience decades ago when I used to work in entertainment out in LA, I can tell you, even as Chief Editor, plenty of my media content was changed without anyone informing me--back-cover blurbs, cover designs, release dates, shelf talkers, pop ups, print runs, print houses, store placements, advertising, interview articles--at some point in my former career, all of those things got changed around and I found out after the fact, on my own projects. Which pissed me off but I'd signed NDAs and couldn't do a single thing about it. And the authors / creators didn't know until *I* had the hard job of informing them. And they couldn't do anything about it because they were under contract.

So I think the level of members' involvement in solo works is somewhere in between. I think as artists and performers, BTS members can have a great deal of say in their look, styles, lyrics, choreo, merch, and venues. But not total say. Definitely not deciding-factor say.

I think the company can make them water down their lyrics, change up the choreo, and flat-out tell them no when it comes to music videos, performance venues, pretty much anything budget-related. They don't even have to explain why; it's their budget and their bottom-line. (In the old days, it seems like the members could freely express opinions around the works and even challenge management when it came to creative content. Maybe that is still true.)

As far as Jungkook's involvement in Seven's style, we have a stylist going on record about how some of the options were their ideas and that Jungkook had a lot of input on the look and feel, so it was a mixture:

For this reason alone, the fact that things like mud were added to clean pants or spikes to a jacket after Jungkook had input makes me truly feel this was his way of honoring Jimin and Face. It just seems like something our Jungkook would do--he may not always say it, but he's always watching Jimin-ssi.

As for sales and marketing strategies? The boys may never get looped in. Or they may be told the plans, but not invited to give input. Or they may sit down and plan it all out to the last detail with each department. I genuinely don't know. And because I don't know, I will not be assuming the worst of Jungkook or any member until I have all the facts. That is anti behavior, in my mind, and I just cannot stomach it. I can never bring myself to believe the worst of anyone until they fully and consistently show me that's who they are.

We've spent ten years with these guys. They are flawed human beings, yes, but not cheats, not assholes. I think they omit plenty of details but I don't think they straight-up lie to us. I don't think Jungkook would ever look his staff and executives in the eye and say "Yes, I want you to illegally pay money under the table so this single will top the charts." Jungkook is competitive, but also a stickler for fair play. You spend any amount of time watching Run, and the only time he "cheats" is when he wants to be with Jimin (lol) and he's pretty endearingly obvious about it; guy has almost no game face.

Okay but joking aside, I'm honestly very worried for JK. It sort of feels like he's being set up. Many questions have arisen over the stylistic choices for Seven. There's the fan frenzy around having a hot female protagonist in his video. And now the question about how much radio play Seven will get, and why. That's a lot of controversy to hang on a young man's shoulders. Especially in light of the recent book that's come out, in which it's clear now that the company and the artists are aware of hate-trending hashtags in English. GOD THAT MAKES ME SICK TO MY STOMACH.

To me, it feels (it feels--as in, my gut is telling me this; I have no receipts) like the company is using JK to experiment with a different way of doing business--a way that may stray from their founding values.

And there's so much potential for this to blow up in JK's face. There are solos who will insist he's stealing Jimin's style. Antis who will insist he's cheated on the charts. Insecure shippers who will lose their minds if anything flirty goes down with Han So-hee on screen. K-poppies, Swifties, and local racists all insisting on undermining his creativity, talent, and character because they fear the competition.

This release on Friday has the potential to be a blood bath. And I just don't trust the company to have his back and take ownership of their part in this, if so. From everything I've seen about Jungkook, he deserves the benefit of the doubt.

My biggest question mark is how Jimin will respond to all of this. If he comes on live one day and says in a flat tone something like: "I was really surprised to see how similar Jungkookie's concept was to my own." or "How interesting that Seven got sent to radio--good for him, good for him. I wonder how that happens?" Then I'll take that to mean Jimin wasn't looped in on JK's plans and he doesn't feel great about it; that won't sit well with me.

Then again, if Jimin raves about Seven and plays it on live or joins JK in New York and mentions how flattered he was that they share the same style, how they click, how proud he is of JK's hard work and asks please ARMY give it a lot of love? Then I'll infer he was definitely looped in, this is a homage, and JK's actions were always above board. I will assume that because I will never doubt Jimin's integrity. If Jimin approves, I will approve. Jimin has earned my complete trust.

So this week is a very tense one (for me at least). But it does provide quite the distraction from the stress tests and specialist consults I have lined up, I'll give you that. Never a dull moment. (I am so ready for this fandom to have some dull moments.)

In the end, I'm going to chose to believe in the very best of our members until there's solid evidence to think otherwise. As of now? I think the only dirty cheater in the mix is the music industry at large. I know the entertainment world is corrupt, but Jesus, they are so blatant about it all.

Anyway, we may not get radio data for several days or weeks after the initial drop date, so I'm prepared to hang in there for a good bit. And if there is evidence of payola and JK knew about it... I'm gonna need time to process that and figure out where I go from there, as a Jikooker, as an ARMY. I will honestly be shocked.

One thing you'll never see me do is spout hatred for human beings. I will likely rant about the company. And there are plenty of people Scooter Braun that I viscerally dislike. But I'm making a commitment now not to spread dehumanizing hate speech on the timeline.

That's not what BTS or Jimin would ever want. That's not what I want for myself, especially if my days in this life are limited. I don't need that kind of toxicity or karma.

Am I furious about all the crap that's gone down for Jimin (and other members too, to a lesser degree)? You bet your buttons, as my Nana used to say. I could rage and froth all day about it.

But I also remember who came online over and over to say Jimin's name, play Jimin's songs, mimic Jimin's interviews, giggle at Jimin's video clips, and invite Jimin into his life.

And based on moved lamps and dog scratches and Jimin bulking up, it's likely Jimin has accepted those invitations.

Whenever we do get to glimpse Jimin with Jungkook, he seems as endeared and besotted as he always has.

youtube

I trust Jimin to know if someone did him dirty, and to act accordingly. I do not believe any aspect of the Jikook relationship is performance.

For those reasons, I'm gonna be withholding judgement until all info around Seven comes in.

I hope you will too, but I understand if you feel differently and I'm not on this Earth to judge other people's viewpoints or experiences. I just ask that if you want to be friends with me here, you try to be civil in your words and actions, even in the sway of big feelings. Every person behind the screen is a work in progress; we are all fighting invisible battles; there are many sides to each story.

All any of us can do is our best with what we are given. Let's wait and see what Jungkook (and Jimin, and the company) give us.

If you made it this far through my ramblings, kudos! I welcome ideas, so feel free to comment--but just remember, rudeness will be removed. There's no space for meanness on my blog.

Love and deep respect to you all,

Roo

UPDATED:

So, it would seem the DJ who is hyping JK's Seven is also open to playing Like Crazy. This would imply it's been sent to some radio because before I remember he tweeted that he needed the compressed file in order to play it on his station (I am sorry I didn't save that link but he was talking about Hobi and Jimin if I recall, back at the time!).

UPDATE 2:

The radio stations that took requests (including the one mentioned above) back at that time were playing the music video version available to the public, not a compressed file sent by the company:

And when I check on this linktree of top radio stations in the US, Like Crazy does not come up as any option in rotation. I have to manually request still, after four months of being stable on the charts.

So if Jungkook gets immediate spins and requests immediately come up in rotation... is that because radio stations really love Jungkook? Or is this a company "networking" deal? (And in any case, would JK be involved in that aspect?) Everything still remains to be seen. Let's be patient and try our best not to assume the worst.

Many thanks for JMDBJK for mentioning in the comments the likelihood that a title track would be sent out, which prompted me to go look soon as I could get to my computer. I really do value anyone willing to take the time to help me learn more info about this industry!

#jungkook #jimin #jikook #seven by jungkook #Youtube

111 notes · View notes

itsnothingofinterest · 4 months

Note

I think that the LoV deserves to win in the Final War because if they win, they will be able to create a world for themselves. The Heroes never meant to deserve to win at all considering the fact that most of them are morally corrupted (like the HPSC) and they are more interesting when they lose all the time.

If Spinner were able to win against Shoji, that would prove that his point will be always right and he would be able to save Shigaraki. If Toya succeeded, it would be the punishment that Endeavor deserves for abandoning his eldest son. If Toga succeeded, she would be able to do anything she wants. If Tomura Shigaraki wins against Deku and destroys Deku along with the entire Hero Society, Tomura Shigaraki would be able to have peace with his friends.

If I may be allowed the opportunity to rant: I'm sure some will say this is crazy at this juncture of the story but honestly? I get where you're coming from. Or at least 90% of it.

I mean for starters, I sympathize with the League far more than the heroes (no surprise from a villain fan). I think they’ve earned the happy endings they want after how hard they’ve struggled against the towering odds they’ve faced, an area which I feel they far surpass the heroes. I want them to win, I want them to prove the strength of their bonds, all that fun stuff for them.

And just logically, if you look at the worlds both sides are trying to make…the villain's world kinda seems better? Because after all, isn’t the plan to just take the current world, tear it down, and rebuild it without a whole bunch of its glaring flaws? The easy world Toga wants where kids like her don’t fear for their lives. Where corrupt heroes like Endeavor and bigots like the CRC aren’t left to their crimes. In a warped way, they’re almost like young All Might.

Compare that to the status quo the heroes want back, the very one that brought us here, which I don’t see much reason to root for. I mean even if you say “but all the people who’ve died”; first off, I swear mha civilians frequently act like horror movie victims so I can only care so much for them. But if I did, they want back the very status quo that led to all that death in the first place so…it feels like it’ll just lead back here again. A return of the status quo? This chaos is part of the status quo by now, you sure you want it back?

(Granted this is all hampered a little bit by Shigaraki’s sudden decision to sink the country and really where did that come from? Did Tomura just say that to appear more inhuman? Did Hori make him say that to appear more threatening? Because that kind of interferes with a lot of the League’s goals y’know. Sure he doesn’t want to give the status quo loving heroes a chance to rebuild what he destroyed, but society still needs replacing as part of the plan. The PLF are still supposed to rebuild according to their desires. I may make a post about just this plot point soon.)

Not to mention that I totally get what you mean about the heroes not narratively earning a permanent win here. Not only have they as a whole not really developed and surpassed their old flaws, but just the fact that they’ve been doing their own war crimes in this arc (when you’re really supposed to stick to your morals and beat villains by the book against make-the-world-better-by-extreme-measures-type villains) really makes me think they just don't deserve the win because they kind of can’t be trusted going forward. I mean the final arc's supposed to show where everyone is ending up; how they'll be in the future. And the impression being left is that the heroes, even the kids to enough of an extent to worry, have shown the same corruption we know the HPSC for.

About the only thing I disagree with out on is that I don’t want Deku specifically to die. He can be, to put bluntly, a self-righteous moron about things he doesn't understand at times, and can be a bit of an AM clone a lot of the rest of the time; but I'd hardly wish his death for just that. Especially since it seems any hope for the heroes side not repeating their mistakes rests on him pulling his head out of his arse and getting a clue on how to be better than All Might. Not that I think that'll happen anytime soon, but that's why I keep insistently hoping for an MHA part 2.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Sorry I took so long with this. Mix of being busy with real life and being in a writing funk. Which is why this may not be my finest post either. Hope you understand.)

#ask & reply #bnha #shigaraki tomura #toga himiko #dabi #spinner #league of villains #lov #paranormal liberation front #PLF #midoriya izuku #all might #hero society #anti endeavor #hero public safety commission

51 notes · View notes

weebsinstash · 8 months

Note

Dunno if you watched SK8 the Infinity, but one important conflict is literally the protagonist Reki becoming extremly insecure and unmotivated in skating after seeing how his new friend Langa (a snowboarder) who has barely started skating is a prodigy and so much better at it than him, who has been skating since he was a child.

Langa is naturally talented at skating while Reki works hard and still cannot measure up to someone who just started, which makes him consider quit skating altogether and leads him to distance himself from Langa because of insecurity and jealousy.

Those type of scenarios just pull at the heartstrings, you know?? Like there is nothing worse than working hard and still feeling inferior to the people around you, which DOES make for juicy angsty scenarios :)(

No but literally those are the kinds of plots where you kinda immerse yourself in the grief and it can be empowering to see your underdog recover, but also GOD is that shit so depressing and hits close to home, for real the kind of plots I soak up and throw pity parties for myself for lol

You know I've been pretty open about it but like, every so often I get compliments on my writing that are very sweet, but ultimately I do have to acknowledge like 😅 I AM basically a self taught high school drop out. So especially when I personally start writing about these sorts of stories "lol what if Reader is a depressed fucking loser absolutely struggling through the mediocre machinations of life and has Strong Hot Person come save them" like. You know where that's coming from lmao 😂 extremely unsettle but I figure what I write is usually relatable enough that it's like why the fuck not be a little personal sometimes

God though I had initially considered that when I was talking about like the Spiderverse You vs YouTwo ideas, initially considered making YouTwo drastically superior to you, but the route I've decided on is, you're on equal footing and there are certain things you each do better than the other but, seeing them be better than you at anything is salt in your wounds since you're feeling replaced.

I also like obviously have mentioned it several times but like. Living with Damian Wayne specifically would be absolute awful for this scenario, especially if you make your yandere mean or whatever. Like you could be minding your own goddamn business doing your favorite hobby and have this snot nosed fucking 10 year old (this one, the nasty one, before he gets tamed down, potentially by you?) and he's just like "that's not how you're supposed to do it" and physically takes it out of your hands, does it for you, and explains to you what you were doing wrong the entire time

Like imagine platonic yandere Damian who can't communicate his feelings for shit and is still deep in his Little Hellion Phase so you think he's just constantly insulting you and trying to show how much better and smarter than you he is when in reality he's just like. Very Poorly being like, "oh, a chance to show my sibling how cool and smart I am, and then I can teach them and they'll like me :) and they like to learn new things so I should teach them as much as I know and they can feel smart too :)" and on your end you're thinking he's an egotistical MEAN little kid who's making you extremely insecure and feel worthless and stupid and maybe sometimes often he's, not always using the best language with you because he wasn't really raised with kindness. "Why would you think THAT'S how you do it?" With a tone like youre a fucking idiot, "I don't understand what you're not seeing, I've been doing this for years and I'm an actual child"

like genuinely it's all of those "someone else one upping you" ideas but WORSE because you can't leave this fucking house and he's TEN. Youve got a fucking TEN YEAR OLD physically and mentally one upping you CONSTANTLY with the mental abilities of like a fucking adult man. I feel like the entire family being trained in violence, you'd think they would understand having like a physical fight and have probably had many themselves, but the second YOU lose your temper and put a hand on any of THEM, SACRILEGE. Damian couldve been saying the cuntiest things to your face and the SECOND you swing on him, just absolutely lose your shit, suckerpunch that brat in his face, give him a literal black eye that he didn't block because he didn't expect his beloved sibling to hit him, Bruce is UP YOUR ASS about, "you know better than this! That's your brother!!" like straight up, I think messing with one of the Robins or members of his family is the fastest way to have yandere Bruce lose patience with you and do something less loving. Takes away privileges, grounds you, makes you do labor around the house or labor for him in the cave or Damian, forces you to apologize and also acknowledge "that my brother just wanted what was best for me 🙄"

He's the kind of overbearing calculating shit where he waits until everyone is at the family dinner table and he casually pauses in between spoonfuls of soup, "so I see sister has been sneaking out of the house. You didn't do a very good job of washing the cigarette smoke out of your jacket" ousting you in a double whammy combo for sneaking out without permission AND smoking, and of course you're responding something like "you little PRICK!!" and now Bruce is standing up, jabbing a finger towards the stairs as he demands you go to your room with the unspoken threat that's he's coming up there to speak to you about this after everyone eats

Like legit living in that house would be a nightmare because everyone is gifted and everyone's doing somersaulting backflips and it's like. Lmao my knees pop when I stand up :) you're all like insanely gifted in your fields and I'm like. Normal. Some would say a simple minded burnout, even. Like. Lmao. Imagine a scenario where you're still independent and doing your own thing bur Bruce is, you know yandere mode and keeping tabs on you, and he's constantly trying to like, nudge you towards better opportunities. You're in costume on a rooftop and suddenly he's asking you about your schooling. You're working a shitty day job and one day the in universe equivalent sends you am email "based on your qualifications, this employer is interested in your resume" and its a super well paying WayneTech job that you. Turn down because you'd either fail the drug test and don't think you're good enough lmao. Bruce just tearing his hair out as he decides "ok fine I'll make your life better by force" and just starts buying your apartment building and where you work or some shit so he can improve your quality of life from the outside

#yandere stuff #yandere x reader #yandere batman #yandere batfam #sinprompts

146 notes · View notes

bloodycyrano · 2 months

Text

I am extremely mentally fucked right now, so let's see how team tadpole handles their depressive episodes! TW, this will probably be super depressing to read.

Astarion: He thinks he hides it really well, and for the most part, he does. But his motivation for easy, everyday tasks and self care goes absolutely down the drain. You've seen the inside of his tent, you know how it goes. He tries to keep up the image of doing well, keep the smile, keep the jokes coming. He's terrified of people finding out what's underneath, and in hiding it, he feels like he has the upper hand. He doesn't, and he needs therapy. I'd also put money on him hypersexualizing himself for the validation and to feel like he was worth something. After all, Cazador beat it into him that that was all he was good for. Luring in pray with his body. - We also know that Astarion has nightmares, but I'd like to add to this with the reminder that Elves don't sleep. They trance. In the trance, they go over the memories of their past. It's how they keep up with such long lives and how they stay close to past lives as children (For those who dont know, elves don't measure age in maturity, but rather by distance to their past lives- Once an elf can no longer recall memories from their past life, they are considered an adult. They pick their adult name in celebration of the new person and consciousness that they now are). The fact that Astarion can remember nothing of his life prior to being turned by Cazador, nothing of his family, etc., Means that he is so deeply affected by Cazador that those memories are the only things he can see when he goes to rest at night. Every night, in perfect detail, he has to remember all of his worst trauma.

Karlach: Karlach is the sunshine character. She's sweet, and loud and bright with the biggest smile, but you also have to remember that she was a soldier. She was sold off to a literal demon and used as a science experiment essentially for the hell of it. She's not going to open up about what she's feeling immediately, and she's not going to seek help, either. She thinks she has to deal with it quietly and on her own, because since her parents died; that's what she's always had to do. Chin up, no tears, keep fighting. It's going to stress her out to the point where she starts smoking again, but she'll try to hide it or brush it off. Most importantly, she's going to be more focussed on not burdening those around her and trying to take care of you guys and protect you at the expense of her own mental health and physical safety. But her sorrows are noticeable. She can try to hide it, but everyone in camp knows. Everyone in camp is worried. Everyone can see when her eyes stop glimmering, when she stops dancing around in her tent when she can't sleep, when her bright laughter stops, and when she gets quiet. So quiet. She zones out, like she's in another realm entirely. She probably also has post traumatic stress from her time as a soldier, and it's going to weigh on her heavily in battle. Maybe she'll freeze up, have flashbacks, even potentially have small hallucinations now and again. It's going to take a lot of care and reassurance to get her to talk to you about it, but when she finally does, she'll probably have a complete meltdown with all the feelings she's been keeping inside.

Wyll: Wyll self isolates. He gets much quieter, and he probably isn't going to be too open to talking about it unless he's really close to you. He gets a little cold when talking to people, but he's good at resolving things in his head and the most likely to rationalize his feelings to make himself feel better. He also probably writes poetry, or even paints his feelings as a form of expressing his sorrows because he understands he needs some outlet so he isn't bottling everything up. He has the heart of an artist, and this is a hill I am prepared to die on.

Gale: He has a hard time talking when he's sad, and probably has difficulty making eye contact as well. He'd probably be more inclined to seek out comfort and vent than the rest of team tadpole, but that doesn't take away from the complexity of his emotions. He's angry, and sad, and feels so so shitty just about being who he is in general. He's fallen so far from where he once was, and for what? He'll do is best to rationalize, but his anxiety is going to push into paranoia, and rationalizing is going to turn into self loathing. He's going to try his best to be more useful, and show off, and earn the validation he craves because without that, what is he? He was a prodigy child. He used to be so, so great. Even the goddess of magic herself thought so. Now he's rotting away in a camp full of strangers and trying to re-learn level one spells. It's taking a toll on him, and it's noticeable to anyone willing to look.

Shadowheart: She's trying to pray. The goddess she has been devoted to all her life is the lady of loss. There is a great amount of sorrow in the way she worships, and in her suffering, she finds faith. She tells herself it's her next step to becoming a dark justiciar. Delving further into her faith and trusting in the dark depths of her soul, and her pain. All it ever truly does is make her hurt, though.

Lae'zel: Lae’zel is truly a specimen built on stoicism. If you ask her what's wrong, she will tell you but it will also be in such a way that you wonder if she's really processing all of her pain. The thing is, she's thinking about it. She has the emotional intelligence to understand the way she's feeling and how to fix it, but for some reason unknown to her, she can't. And that's what's going to stress her out and hurt her the most. She knows what theoretically should fix the pain, but it's not working the way that it should. She's going to wonder if it's something wrong with her, or the way she's going about it. She might get angry with other people more often, and try to project blame onto someone so that maybe she can find a way to resolve the way that it hurts. But she can't. She'll keep throwing temporary solutions and misplaced anger into the void until she finds something to distract from it. And maybe, after a lot of contemplation and positive outside help from the rest of team tadpole, she may find peace.

#bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #astarion #lae'zel #gale dekarios #karlach #wyll ravengard #shadowheart #team tadpole #angst #depressing shit #menatl health #trauma

29 notes · View notes

scaryhaven · 7 months

Text

The first three episodes I found Ed's struggle extremely relatable, hard to watch, and upsetting, but with a little time I was eventually able to process it, and analyze what happened, and the trauma he's gone through. But, you know who i can barely allow myself to think about right now? Izzy. I acknowledge i am biased, but i cant even imagine the amount of pain he is in by the end of episode 3. Ed and Stede knew each other for a fraction of the time that Izzy and Ed knew each other. He's dedicated most of his life to this man who ended up abusing him, belittling him, and essentially tried to kill him, but despite that, Izzy was not able to end Eds life, it wasn't until the crews lives were in danger that he finally allowed Ed to be "put down" without intervening. Even though he didn't kill Ed himself, the amount of guilt he must feel for letting the love of his life be killed right before his eyes, unable to protect him, for having been unable to stop Eds erratic moods in the first place, having been unable to make him happy, and in general, was not enough for Ed, when Ed was all that Izzy ever needed. He's a failure in every way that matters to him. Now, imagine the amount of agony he must be in, loyalty to Ed has been such a big part of Izzy's character, and probably even a measure of his self worth is found in his ability to stick by the greatest pirate ever known, and having the mental fortitude to wade through all the hardship that comes with that. i fully believe that without Edward, Izzy isn't certain of who he is. (Stede is Ed's lighthouse, and Ed is Izzy's anchor) He's an unmoored ship at this point. I've always felt like Izzy's real job is less about being a pirate and more about being Ed's protector specifically. And if Ed's dead, then he doesn't have a job anymore and for someone like Izzy, who is always focused on work and doing it properly, if he has no job, he has no purpose; his life is already over. We saw him attempt to end his life, whether it was because of the emotional or physical pain, its clear that he is dealing with suicidal thoughts, and that breaks my heart.

But the real part I'm struggling with is the way that Ed and Izzy differ in how their suicidal thoughts are exemplified. Ed was showing everyone just how bad it was, he was abusing and scaring everyone, until of course it all manifests in that final ride into the storm, where its clear he's serious, its very loud, and ostentatious, and he's begging for an end, or even help, if possible. But Izzy, Izzy keeps it to himself, he drinks alone, he cries silent tears, and when the others do see him cry, he tries to brush it off as if its not happening at all. He doesn't seek comfort from others or from warm soup, he doesn't attempt to hurt others, he curls up in on himself, and tells Stede "Go on Bonnet, give me your worst" fully expecting to be further abused, rather than empathized with. on top of it all, he's also a heartbroken man, who now fully understands that Stede and Ed are actually in love, and all these years, he never had a chance. Despite all that turmoil inside, he doesn't make a show of his trauma, or how broken he is, he doesn't make it as plainly clear as Ed did, that he actually does need help, he does need love, he doesn't even try because he doesn't think he would receive any, nor does he think he deserves it. To me there's nothing sadder than someone suffering in silence while surrounded by people that could and would help if asked. Izzy has instead put himself in a box away from others, and all I want is for him to get to a place where he can accept the love that is exactly what he needs, rather than being loved as best as one can.

#izzy hands #israel hands #ofmd #ofmd s2 spoilers #ofmd spoilers #meta #i hope this doesnt come across as hate for ed or something cuz thats not it at all! his pain and the crews is very real #i just have a soft spot for characters like Izzy <3 i havent been looking through his tags yet cuz i cant see him. it hurts too much Q.Q

38 notes · View notes

arrozaurus · 2 years

Note

Something that's always confused me that I hope you could possibly explain better (because brain very dumb), is why did Rose do the whole 'forcing Pearl to keep a secret' thing (hands over mouth)? My theory on it was that it was Rose's way of a safety measure (I.e if somehow they were ever caught or captured, Pearl would have this as a way of keeping her safe from those trying to pry info from her or something like that). Beause what Rose did was awful and I just found it a bit hard to believe it really was only for the sake of 'never talking about the past'. After all Pearl can keep a secret! She had been doing so for a long time now. It's just that it seems strange that Rose would do this without a reasoning like a I guessed before, simply because Rose was so self-critic and scrutinizing of herself. When you're like that you tend to second guess almost EVERYTHING you do. Closing watching to see if you mess up again because WE. DON'T. WANT. TO. THAT. DO WE ROSE (Rose self talk)? Although the biggest issues with that is that people will mess up regardless because that's simply a normal thing to do (Rose) and, Rose (imo) seems very neurodivergent and that can also lead to mess ups in your judgement and less watchfulness towards yourself (get distracted i.e). Also just dissociation cause ptsd. While I say all that as possible reasons to add to why she would do that to Pearl forgoing my 'trying to protect Pearl' guess and going with the never mentioning the past thing again, I just feel like this was one of those moments where Rose would be extra self-critical as to not end hurting someone she loved again with a (and correct me if wrong) not really valid reason to make someone keep a secret. Again, I know Rose (and everyone in general) will mess up and will hurt people, but this just felt like a time where, like I said, Rose would be extra watchful towards herself and her behavior. So was it something like I theorized or was it what it said on the tin? I don't know, hopefully my rumbling makes sense and you got what I am asking 😅. Thank you so much!

Thank you for asking!

I think I've already talked about this before but it was like ages ago so it's practically impossible to find again lmao

In my opinion there is no point in looking for an rational explanation for this act/behavioral pattern, in trying to look for a good reason why Rose would do such a thing. Because if she does this terrible thing that seems to make no sense of her character, it HAS to be for a good hidden honorable reason, at least in her head right? ...Right?! (season 1 flashbacks) Not necessarily. This is not to say that she is doing this ill-intented either.

This answer may seem unsatisfactory to many and to you but makes sense in its context.

It is 2020 and The End of an Era is released, and within, Rebecca Sugar delves extensively into Rose’s character, revealing new aspects of her history and behavior in more detail. There is a quote specifically that, though not inherently talking about any example in particular, can be useful to us right now:

She couldn't stand herself; self-destruction is a huge theme throughout the show—the struggle of the feeling that you shouldn't exist, and what that can do to a person. A lot of the themes of the show exist within Rose, like her inability to be honest with other people or herself about what she's done. She's so deeply ashamed of herself and her past, with very good reason. The truth is that the people in her life would be so much more understanding that she believes they will be. The contempt that she has for herself gets turned outward as contempt for other people when she can't trust them. When she can't trust herself, she can't trust other people, and it makes it impossible for her to be close with anyone. It makes life extremely difficult for her. It makes living difficult for her.

The show is so much about honesty and trust and being able to grow and change. Rose wants all of those things so badly, but she can't really accomplish any of that until she accepts herself[...]

Does Rose tell Pearl SHE cannot talk about it? No! And this is interesting because if she had done this to protect Pearl in this hypothetical scenario, she would have told her exactly that. But instead, she said, "let's never speak of this again".

And it's a let's what implies inclusion of the self. WE don't mention this, WE don't awknowledge our old past, WE don't converse about anything WE did as these gems. These old lives do not belong to us and our backstories are now reality. Rose wants to deny all of this (and also assumes Pearl does too, but that's for later) because she is in pain. The memory of it, the reminder of it, it makes it hard for Rose to cope with.

Think of it as a trigger. Remember when Steven was fed up with her mom's baggage and didn't even want to hear of her, other people to even mention her?

Yes, just like that.

It is a mechanism to avoid touching the threshhold of her own emotional tolerance, to avoid activating that deeply entrenched self shame, deep within her core. This is unhealthy obviously, and very counterproductive: by virtually erasing parts of yourself, first you are not accepting yourself, but you are also hiding it from others, so you are also depriving yourself of being accepted by others. You see, it's plain and utter self-sabotage under a state of hypervigilance.

This is why it cannot be rational and cannot be explained by rational means, there is no real threat to justify doing something like this. She may be doing it for reasons, but such reasons are based on a set of beliefs that are not real.

But she would do this even if it means taking away Pearl's agency? Isn't that 100% hypocritical after preaching so much for it? You bet. Though no necessarily intentionally.

Besides the fact that it is a highly emotional moment, I think we have to accept that she is also a tremendously powerful and privileged being with the emotional awereness of a 7 year old, and because of this it is very hard for her to put herself in the mind of someone else, no matter how aware of this she is. It is possible that she was assuming that taking this choice away from Pearl was freeing for Pearl because she thought that this was freeing FOR ROSE (and Pearl and Rose share the same fantasy, so it must work), very much in the same way that when she couldn't conceptualize a baby getting hurt from falling from a goddamn ferrys wheel (since she can always float down) or a gem waiting in the same exact spot for her for like 5000 years (since she would just leave).

Rose's compassion tools, empathy and sympathy, are largely unevolved, and because of this she can't imagine that Pearl may not want to consent to that order, and she can't imagine what this may entail for Pearl in the long term or how this may block Pearl's own healing process.

This is my own take for this particular scene, I hope it makes enough sense.

#su meta #steven universe #rose quartz #pink diamond #shes so bouba but also kiki love her

166 notes · View notes

thecurioustale · 8 months

Text

Liking Things that Go on to Become Popular Kinda Sucks

I have the unfortunate tendency to be something of a social contrarian. For instance, just as a throwaway example, I learned recently that my favorite whiskey, Jameson's Irish Whiskey, is also America's most popular whiskey. You might think that I was pleased, as someone who almost never holds majority tastes in anything, but in fact all I could think of was, first, that I'd been usurped, and, second, that this will inevitably lead to the collapse of the brand once it stops being the current hotness. I am a very, very light drinker, but I would still be sad if my favorite whiskey became hard to find.

My contrarian streak is not for the sake of arguing. I don't actually like arguing, for the most part. Rather, it's often a mixture of feeling personally displaced (like I mentioned above) and internally cringing at the coarseness and imprecision of popular opinions (which is also a form of displacement, but subtler and more involved).

The first reason is pretty easy to understand: I've been a social outcast my whole life and have therefore come to have a strong sense of individual identity. When something obscure that I like becomes popular, I feel like I am seen when I don't want to be seen, like I am getting unwanted attention via my interests and affiliations. This is pretty simple human psychology and I don't have much to say about it that's worth making you read through.

But the second reason is more interesting: I have this incredible compulsion toward precision in my life. Anyone who has listened to me speak in person, or read my nonfiction writing at length, will know that my sentences are often extremely heavily qualified, full of asterisks that anticipate the inevitable objections to my clean general statements in their basic form. There is almost nothing of great importance that I could say as a general truth without being at need to qualify it.

When something that I like becomes popular, it is almost always the case that the prevailing appreciation or popularity in question is unbearably simplistic to me—leading directly to one of the things that makes me chafe more than anything else: being misunderstand through oversimplification. If someone else likes something that I like, but for extremely simplistic reasons, and their understanding of the thing is what ends up being promulgated through society, then anyone who sees me and my interest in the thing will, without knowing better, be apt to classify me as just a typical fan of the thing—when in fact my particular liking of the thing is likely far more esoteric and elaborate.

It's a form of erasure mingled with misrepresentation, and of course I don't like that. This too is fairly simple human psychology, and well-spoofed in characters like Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons. (Though I try not to be insufferably gatekeepy about it like he is. We all like what we like, and I'm not gonna tell other people "the right way" to like a thing.)

I should note that this doesn't apply to things that I come to like because they are popular. If I'm jumping on the bandwagon like everyone else, that's much less jarring than if I had previously liked a thing which goes on to become popular.

It doesn't always happen that I'll get upset if something I like becomes popular. In fact, it usually doesn't happen. What needs to come together for me to feel put out is either what I described above about the whiskey, where the thing I like is likely to become harder to enjoy once it inevitably loses its popularity, or it needs to be the case that the thing which becomes popular is something that I not only like but which I also pour some measure of my identity into. That's the cut in the skin that lets the act of being erased really sting.

And if this all sounds moderately petty and animalistic to you, it totally is. I am not claiming otherwise and not idealizing any of this as something you should aspire to. But maybe it's interesting to read about anyway.

#Armchair psychology with Dr. J

12 notes · View notes

furiousgoldfish · 1 year

Note

Thankfully, I have been able to move away from an abusive environment and heal a lot. However, for reasons completely unknown to me, everyone in this new place has started making me the villain of their story, no matter what I do. At school, I am accused of being a bully towards my friends, even though said friends have said time and time again I haven't bullied them. Teachers have even threatened to get me expelled for said bullying that didn't. even. happen! The parents of my friends call me a bad influence on their children for teaching them to stand up to oppression at school and at home. I feel like they just feel threatened by how I'm able to see through the bullshit and help my friends do the same. My boyfriend, one of the first people to show me consistent kindness despite my trauma symptoms, has become overly reliant on me, to the point I'm expected to act as his second mom. Whenever I refuse to, he, his parents and almost everyone else actually responsible for him gets mad at me for "not fulfilling my duties". I'm not sure what they mean? Am I really solely responsible for my boyfriend's wellbeing and safety? I can barely take care of my own. There is also no reciprocity, if I ever need help, I'm completely ignored and even ridiculed for asking.

I feel like everyone hates me and I can't figure out why. I tried really hard to be a kind and generous person, but if this is what I get, I'm tired of trying.

It sounds like there's a nasty smear campaign going around targeting you, or several of them. Someone might be telling lies about you to put you in a bad position, out-compete you, or as a form of revenge. This is something that will sometimes happen even to non-abused people, but to us it feels more personal, and more like an extension of our personal nightmares.

I think you're completely right on how nasty people are feeling threatened by you because you can see thru their bullshit, and it is in fact, common for such people to take measures to get rid of you (such as spreading lies and smear campaigns behind your back). Try figuring out where this rumor came from and who started spreading it, if you can ask people where they got this information and they admit it, you might be able to find the source and things might start making more sense.

You are not responsible for your boyfriend's well being, it sounds to me, from just this info, that he might have been kind to you at the start, (or consistently for a while) only to get you in a position where you'd feel responsible for his well being, knowing that he can turn other people against you or use sensitive information against you, the second you don't do as he wants you to. It doesn't sound like he's being kind anymore, because a kind person would not pick off an abuse victim and claim this person now responsible for my well being. He's not your baby, he's not your child, you are not responsible for his well being. And if there's no reciprocity, it's possible that this is not a good or beneficial relationship anymore, failure to reciprocate anything back, and being ridiculed for asking, is grounds for a breakup (if you decide on one, I know this isn't easy). It's also an awful thing to do to you.

I understand it's extremely frustrating and tiring to deal with all of this at once, and it feels like the situation will not get better. But, if you can isolate each one of these issues and deal with it separately, and understand it comes from separate sources that actually have nothing to do with who you are as a person, what your life is being shaped like, or what the future holds for you, it might be easier to see that this isn't a proof that life will always be awful. It might take a while to find a place where you can be only around people who see you in a human and positive way, and who would never try to make you responsible for things you cannot control, or should be responsible for. This is, however, really tough, and I'm so sorry you have so many sources of stress and guilt at once. I hope you find a place in your life where you can rest, and gather enough strength to stand for your rights and dismiss the bullshit.

It sucks to feel so hated and stressed, but you don't deserve any of it. And there will be people who will see you and appreciate you without insane expectations.

#abusive environment #smear campaigns #escaping abuse #dealing with life after abuse #aftermath of abuse #rumors and lies #pressure to caretake for your partner #who doesn't even hold basic compassion for you anymore #check if he love bombed you before #in order to get you into the relationship #but now he changed and expects everything from you instead #that is not what you agreed to

31 notes · View notes

a-d-nox · 8 months

Note

Feedback: thank you so much for letting me play. I’m so appreciative, because I’ve been trying to learn about the different orbs. But the information is so limited or the websites charge. Everything you said is spot on. I definitely feel like my romantic situation is moving at all. I haven’t had any actual adult romantic relationships. But hearing that the universe is just using this time to teach me lessons that I’ll need for my lifetime partner puts me at ease. Everything you said about my ideal partner is so accurate. It’s like you’re in my brain. I like people who are very open and believe in constant communication to get to know each other better and to make sure that everyone’s feelings are being displayed/heard. I like that he be someone that’s always changing. I think that’s important for growth and can help me grow as well. I also like them being intuitive. It’s good that the person will not fear much, because I constantly fear so much. Which makes it hard for me to make decisions because I fear change and making the wrong choice. I think it’s sweet that this person would possibly help with my dreams. But since I’m so indecisive I don’t even know if I have dreams or goals. I’ll remember to take your advice and chose Devine love and not rush for instant gratification. Also learning how to be masculine and feminine. I feel like people always say the wives have to be serving and submissive because mean aren’t attracted to the opposite. So I worry about not being feminine enough especially because I come from a family dynamic where my mom was the masculine leader of the house. So, I don’t know if I’d naturally mimic that. But at the same time I fear being solely masculine because I seen how my mom having to be the only leader in her relationship has stressed her out and put her in survival mode. She’s hyper independent, and constantly complains about wising that someone could save her instead of her having to save others. But she doesn’t even allow help. So, I definitely need to learn have to have balance, and we both in the relationship are both in equal measure. I’ll remember to show mutual respect and to communicate my feelings and worries. So I won’t grow resentful. Thank you so much !!! You’re so good at this, and are extremely knowledgeable. You’ve taught me so much today. I’m so grateful❤️. Thank you for you time. I look forward to experiencing all of your gifts/talents that your bring to this tumblr community. Congratulations again on your milestone. I know so many more followers are to come. I’m happy to be apart of your asteroid family😊.

of course! we are here learning together; i am glad that i could help you with your specific case during this game!! i do hear you; a lot of the matrix information is in russian - so accessibility is tricky for sure! lmao would you believe this isn't the first time someone has said i am in their head while reading their matrix?? i understand what you mean regarding the fem/masc scenario - my core number is 6, so i have to deal with healthy balance too. i was raised by a single mom so i understand what the model of an independent / strong-will woman does to societal expectations that women should be submissive and meek. i have come to understand that woman can do anything and don't need to rely on men, but no woman is an island - humans were meant to interact with one another. it's okay to need help or want someone to hold your hand as you walk through life together. i have faith you will come to figure out what works best for your 6 too! you're welcome! thank you for helping me celebrate 2k and for being here!

a.d. <3

want a personal astrology reading? click here to check out my reading options and prices!

want a personal tarot reading? click here to check out my reading options and prices!

2 notes · View notes

xueyuverse · 14 days

Note

I’m having a hard time understanding a lot about this conflict. Today, in the USA (Chicago Illinois, San Francisco California, and in New York) Pro-Palestinian activists decided to block the bridges to prevent people from entering or leaving. As a result, people waited for a minimum of 5 hours before the bridge was completely opened for them to cross. I’ve been reading stories of people who were transporting stem cells, sick people, etc who weren’t able to make it out.

According to the protestors, their goal was to cause an “economic blockade” by causing everyone to not be able to go anywhere

Shockingly a lot of Palestinians were supporting this saying that inconveniencing Americans is a good way to bring light to the situation happening in Gaza. I’ve even had some say that the few lives that were lost because of this were “fine” because it’s for the cause. I don’t want to believe that everyone is this cruel, so I will give my thought generally speaking.

I’m not an expert on these things, I don’t know much so im just using logic. Joe Biden is not the supreme authority over Israel. So let’s say that the USA stops sending aid to Israel completely. Let’s say they cut ties. Where will the protesting end up then? Will it move to another country who may support Israel? The way I see it is, Israeli government is going to do what it wants to do whether America sends it money or not.

Secondly, why is it that Americans have to suffer for what we cannot control? Blocking the bridge did nothing for the people in control. They were comfortably in their homes, meanwhile working mothers and fathers lost job time because of this. People have children to feed. How is what’s happening in Gaza somehow the fault of innocent civilians?

This act today was just cruel and my heart hurt because of it. I in no way am turning a blind eye to the suffering of those in Israel, whether that be Israeli or Palestinian. But at some point we really have to think about where our actions will take us. I’m curious to know if anyone is sharing the same thoughts as I am. Again, I am not educated on the conflict to where I can speak confidently about it 100%, im just looking at this from a logical standpoint.

Extreme measures are taken in extreme situations. Every protest comes from somewhere. If this place (the source of the problem that caused the protest) is ignored and the protesters suffer repression, then what kind of government is this?

I will not be working with hypotheses, with “what if the US stopped financing the war” or “what if the US no longer had any influence in this war”, because that didn't happen and I cannot guess what would happen if the US stopped this (apart from the fact that Israel would certainly continue with its genocide). I also can't answer you as to whether or not it's a good idea to block highways, I don't see myself in a position to do that, but know that this type of protest is not new, here in Brazil every now and then there are protests like this too — and the results are as many negative as positive, often the positive results make the negative results worth it.

However, believe me, it's not that people don't care about innocent lives, it's the extremity of the situation that leads them to put their priorities elsewhere. For the Palestinians, Palestine is the highest priority, after all, they're for them, not even “justice” is on their side. If there was another way (and there wasn't a lack of trying), they would definitely have gone that way.

The last thing the world wants is to find itself in this situation (believe me, the last people who want to be in this situation are the Palestinians), and this is only happening because countries in the Global North continue to finance the Palestinian genocide and turn a blind eye for Israel's attacks on other countries, after all it's economically and territorially advantageous for them to invest in wars and genocides caused by the Global North.

The only side that is continually being murdered in this history for 70 years is Palestine.

Who do you think is cruel? The Palestinians, because they have to take increasingly extreme measures to try to guarantee a minimum of justice and freedom because of colonialism that expelled them from their homeland and the only thing they receive is more deaths, needing to live on donations, or politicians from the Global North whose only role is to support genocide to the point of being negligent towards their own people? Let's remember that when it comes to the USA, there are more American military bases around the world than there are hospitals.

Don't blame the people, they are not the ones causing the problem, they don't even have power comparable to that of the countries of the Global North. The only ones who can make all this stop are the countries of the Global North and, mainly, the USA and Israel: the USA because they are always the ones who veto any resolution to cease fire, in addition to financing the war. Why hold a vote at the UN where the majority votes in favor of a ceasefire if the US can veto it? Why convene an assembly of the ICJ (which belongs to the UN and, therefore, the USA) if Israel will continue to get away with it? And Israel, because all it has to do is stop bombing and killing hundreds of civilians a day and the “war” will end.

At this point, you must have already realized where the scales of advantage, privilege and inequality always tip. Even if the US stops funding the war and sends humanitarian aid to Palestine, none of it will do any good if they continue to veto ceasefire resolutions and ignore all the war crimes committed by Israel — the genocide will continue with or without US funding. And the ones who end up getting fucked up the most are the civilians.

We are already very lucky that the Global North has not yet led the world into a Third World War (at least not yet), honestly.

Protests are a way of drawing the government's attention to the problems that are happening. Or they solve it or the people will have to intervene to take matters into their own hands. If you don't want there to be protests, even a revolution, then the government better listen and serve its people. It's the government that has to fear its people, not the people that have to fear the government.

If we don't want any innocent lives to be taken or put at risk in our countries, then we need to protect the lives of other countries too.

And, I'm sorry, but the US is a big part of the problem. 90% of the world's problems are US problems: Democratic Republic of Congo and all of Africa; Palestine and the entire Middle East; all of Latin America (the military dictatorship in Brazil from 1964 to 1985 was financed and influenced by the USA, did you know?); Hawaii (which suffers from colonization, imperialism, exploitation and American tourism to this day, there are even billionaires wanting to buy Hawaii as if Hawaii were an object, and not a nation that was once independent and prosperous, but after the North American invasion was oppressed and exploited for centuries), among others.

“They were comfortably in their homes, meanwhile working mothers and fathers lost job time because of this. People have children to feed. How is what’s happening in Gaza somehow the fault of innocent civilians?”

First: who can guarantee that every Palestinian was at this protest too? Who can guarantee you that there weren't mothers and fathers, patients in ambulances and Palestinian-American children who suffered the consequences because of the demonstration? Who can guarantee that the protestants didn’t suffer the consequences too? What they least have are Palestinians and Palestinian activists comfortable in their homes.

Why do American interests always have to come first? If you only rebel and your hearts only hurt when the crossfire hits you, then there is something wrong there.

What is happening in Gaza is not the fault of innocent civilians, but it seems that the US and Israel never cared enough to let the situation get to this point.

In other words, the US is hypocritical and selfish madness. This country creates a million problems all over the world, they cause deaths, slavery, abuse, exploitation, colonialism, imperialism, among other crimes, all over the world and when the consequences knock on the door, North Americans think it's bad (and it's for the people think so, but there's no point in turning your hatred and indignation against those who are at a greater disadvantage than you).

Compared to what the US has done for centuries in other countries, the only ones "sitting comfortably in their homes" are the Americans themselves (and that's not to mention the problems that Americans cause and suffer within their own country, which has no relation whatsoever to Palestine or any other place mentioned here).

If you don't want this kind of thing to happen again, then cover the government in a minimally decent position.

“This act today was just cruel and my heart hurt because of it. I in no way am turning a blind eye to the suffering of those in Israel, whether that be Israeli or Palestinian.”

This act today is just a dust compared to more than 70 years of colonization. There is only one side suffering, and it's definitely not Israel, and especially not the USA.

As you said, you know virtually nothing about what is going on, so I strongly suggest you go to Palestinian sources to understand. I'm not Palestinian, I can't speak for them, I just pass on the information.

#decolonize palestine

1 note · View note

vagabond-sol · 10 months

Text

I think the Weapon of Light stuff never really took for me for a number of reasons:

1. If a villain I am actively there to kill says it then my only response is “what were you up to that required a weapon/monster to get sent your way?” And I understand they have their convictions and therefore will do anything to see their goal accomplished and that’s very respectable and all, but again if you instead took to charity work we wouldn’t be here. Always just feels like last second mind games that really would only work on a naive character who either never considered the fact that they were killing a lot of people or just really doesn’t have the mental fortitude at which point maybe you should hang it up hero. Not in an “oh you’re a pussy for not loving the bloodshed” way but in a “don’t do the job if the nature of the job tears at you mentally because the job is going to last your lifetime”.

2. Myste primarily brought back the wrong people. I’d rewrite it if I were a DRK main but I’m not, for now , so it’s just Myste asking a decent question with the worst examples. I wrote Caz as a former child soldier so he’s already done his bit of wrestling with the whole killing dudes thing. He doesn’t love murder and does actively attempt to intimidate people like conscripts or younger bandit types out of combat in later expansions; however he also knows anyone willing to fight for a cause is “accepting” that they might die for it so he really isn’t losing sleep over enemy soldiers and definitely not veteran criminals. All that being said Myste primarily summons people Caz would believe deserved to die and in Livia’s case is jazzed to break her again cause she fucked shit up in Dalmasca. Ilberd is unfortunate but by the time Caz came looking for him Ilberd had chosen a path. There’s nothing to do for him and you never could have. The city-states were to blame and anything you could’ve said has likely been said the last time he thought about extreme measures.

3. I know the story would be pretty lame/weird if ya just wrote your character to leave but yea Caz wouldn’t stay if he was just not having a decent time in anyway or at least fulfilling some kind of duty/obligation. If the killing was too much? Gone. If he felt like genuinely no one cared and he was actually just a tool to them? Gone. Heavensward is so dicey for him because it’s a scenario where him leaving is a real possibility but his good nature and some old habits when it comes to obligations keeps him around enough where he can kind of enjoy the adventures later. And I know the Scions weren’t given cutscenes where they check up on us every two seconds and shit but apart from Alphinaud’s dickhead phase I find it hard to believe they would completely cold shoulder you for the whole of ARR especially considering how they are written later and if your character is one that would try and reach out I see no reason for them to shoot you down. In whatever weird timeline where they just genuinely never treat you like a person yea, hit the bricks. People have beaten Primals before, they’ll figure it out without Caz brooding and being antagonistic the whole time.

4. Getting sent in as the lone hero may suck but if it’s the best option I can’t find reason to lash out over it. “I’ll do it but I don’t have to like it” is reasonable and close to where Cazhim is at in his Solo AU but he would never turn that frustration on his allies to the point of blaming them. It’s not the fault of the Scions that you’re the strongest guy on hand and Villains 1-50 are up to cataclysmic shit again that really needs to be stopped. Caz would be more upset if the Scions joined on Ifrit, really held their own and turned the fight in your favor, then said “nah that shit was scary you’re on your own next time” but as far as I can tell most times they either physically can’t join you or are like you’re the guy that can both not get tempered and actually hold your own while I can maybe do one of those things so I’m going to stay here and not be a liability.

If you made it this far…wow that’s potentially good or bad but regardless these are just my opinions and not meant to tell you how to write your character or that I think poorly of you or your character for feeling differently about the “Weapon of Light” thing. In fact Caz as a Scion companion would expects your WoL to be a bit tired of their situation to some degree and would not begrudge them for venting at times so long as they actually took some enjoyment in the journey/were committed the cause without being outright hostile to their allies. In general my position as a villain killer, I do like a few villains I just like seeing them die or reform more than I like seeing them continue to be bad, an ally liker, I like my non-romantic team dynamics, makes it hard for bad guys to dissuade my character. Now if we genuinely smacked around weaker folk via misunderstanding or something and got called a monster/weapon by our allies I might be on board but that’s neither here or there. Anyways, done rambling so go about your business.

#ffxiv #ffxiv oc #cazhim delrune #ffxiv rambling

0 notes

priestessofspiders · 10 months

Text

The Doll

I want to preface this by saying that I am not some sort of creep. I'm not an incel spending all my spare time lamenting that women won't have sex with me because of my jaw structure, and I'm not some sick pervert with such elaborate and bizarre fantasies that real women can't satisfy me. I bought a sex doll because I am, quite frankly, anxious to the point of near-disability.

It gives me no pleasure to reveal that during my 25 years of life on this planet, I have never been so much as kissed. The very idea of being intimate with another human being, allowing myself to open up and express my feelings to another person, deeply terrifies me. I am so utterly horrified of doing something wrong, of making someone angry, of being an inconvenience, that I simply avoid as much contact as possible with other people.

I was extremely lucky to inherit my house from my parents after they passed away when I had freshly entered adulthood. I don't think I could have ever gone through the process of trying to find an apartment, much less find a roommate to split rent with. A cousin of mine at a local insurance company managed to land me an interview for a night shift janitorial position, and even though I vomited twice from stress before the interview itself, I did manage to get the job.

With a modest inheritance, a low cost of living, and no hobbies, I slowly began to acquire a decent bit of savings. Not a lot, mind you, I was still only a janitor, but enough to put some money away for the future. As the years passed, I started to become more and more lonely, with no way to alleviate the feeling.

Did you know that isolation can actually cause brain damage in humans? Long term effects of solitary confinement in prisoners can cause intense psychological and physiological issues, including chronic pain and psychosis. With my parents dead, the closest thing to social interaction I had anymore was passing by the night security guard on my way into the office building where I worked, and he had long since given up on trying to make small talk with me.

I was trapped between a rock and a hard place. I either let myself be driven to madness from loneliness, or attempt to somehow make friends when the very thought of trying to talk to another person made me feel physically nauseous. I won't lie, I did consider suicide as an alternative to both these options at times.

Some will say that the purchasing of the doll was a bit of a drastic measure, and that it would have been better to me to seek therapy or some other, more conventional, way to work through my anxiety. They're probably right, but what you have to understand is that the idea of "just" getting therapy to me felt about as easy as "just" scaling Mount Everest. Besides, the doll itself was never meant to be a complete solution in the first place.

My goal was to practice having some sort of relationship, to inoculate myself to the idea of interacting with a fellow human being until I could eventually discard the object and socialize properly with real people. I didn't even initially want to get a sex doll, at first I was considering just getting a clothing store dummy, but something about their facelessness and obvious artificial nature made me uncomfortable. Besides, I figured I would eventually need some sort of practice with the more intimate side of human interaction.

After a few weeks of scouring the internet, I found the model I was interested in. It cost me about 3,000 dollars, and was equipped with simulated body heat and the ability to realistically breathe and moan. I was most excited at the notion of the simulated body heat and breathing. Just the idea of the illusion of sleeping next to another person made me feel almost giddy, though it was a giddiness mixed with nausea. I vomited once before I managed to click the "add to cart" button.

It sounds embarrassing, I know, but I actually cleaned my house in expectation of my "guest". It was the closest thing I've ever had to inviting someone over, so I felt self-conscious about having the place I live in being a mess. I wanted to make a good impression.

When it finally arrived I hid in my living room for nearly 20 minutes until I was sure that the delivery driver had gone away. I double checked they were gone by peeking through the peephole, before finally dragging the box inside. Using a kitchen knife I clumsily cut open the cardboard to reveal its contents, and after removing the bubble wrap I immediately had to run to the kitchen sink to retch.

The reason for my nausea-inducing anxiety was the following; the doll was not shipped with any clothes. In retrospect it seems like it should have been obvious that this would be the case, but in the moment I felt betrayed and scared. Cutting open the box to reveal a naked human form was far too much for me in that moment, and I had to spend a few hours recovering. I had taken a week off from my work using my generous supply of built up vacation days (thank God for online time-off requests), so I wasn't too concerned about the delay this recovery caused. I had plenty of time.

I grabbed some pajamas from my dresser and set about the task of clothing the doll. It took a while, I had to take breaks to avoid stressing myself out too much, but I did eventually manage to cover it up. With that issue settled, I felt significantly more comfortable.

The doll was a little unnerving to look at, I'll admit that. People often talk about the "uncanny valley", the conceptual zone in which an object looks human enough to be disturbing, but not human enough to quite seem real. Sex dolls generally fall within this valley. They are designed, of course, for the sort of people who would buy a sex doll, and thus cater to this demographic's standards of beauty. Gone are any traces of imperfection, any of those so-called flaws that make one truly beautiful. Instead they are perfectly symmetrical, expressionless, and beautiful only by the standards of one so porn-addicted as to have no standard for proper comparison.

In some ways this unsettling appearance was helpful for my peace of mind. It helped to remind me that, as human as it looked like from a distance, in the end it was only a hunk of rubber and plastic, and that I didn't need to fear it. I decided to name the doll Elsie.

- - -

My first week spent with Elsie was less interesting than you might guess. It was about a day or two before I became fully comfortable talking "with" it. Before purchasing Elsie, my major outlet for my inner thoughts was a digital journal I kept on a cheap laptop, and so I wasn't especially used to saying much aloud. Before this, there would often go by weeks without me saying anything at all, there just wasn't any reason to do so.

However, when I finally did get into the habit of talking to Elsie, it rapidly became addictive. When you haven't had a chance to talk to anyone in literal years, even a life-sized silicone facsimile becomes appealing.

I talked about my job, about every detail of my workweek, from cleaning the toilets to vacuuming the carpets. I talked about my favorite movie (The Last Man on Earth), my favorite book (The Night Land), and what I liked to do in my free time (not much). I talked about my hopes and fears, my dreams and my ambitions. I must have spent hours at a time monologuing at Elsie. By this point I had started to see the doll as a "she" rather than an "it". As the days went on, I began to wish that Elsie could talk back, that her motionless rubber lips would part to laugh, or say something about herself.

It was on the last day of the first week when I finally slept with the doll. I don't mean that as a euphemism for anything sexual, I just mean literally sleeping next to her in the same bed. I'd never shared a bed with anyone before, and I suppose I still haven't, but it was nevertheless a novel experience for me. I pressed the carefully hidden buttons that activated her simulated breathing and body heat, tucked her into bed next to me, and lay there listening, feeling the faint warmth next to me. I slept more soundly than I had in years.

- - -

At first, my plan did seem to actually work. Getting a chance for even simulated social interaction did help to inoculate me against my anxiety, just a little bit. I managed to squeak out a "hello" to the night security guard on my way into work, and though he seemed a bit surprised, he didn't seem uncomfortable or creeped out, he just smiled and nodded at me.

I began to feel, genuinely, a little happier, a little more confident. It wasn't anything extreme though. When I went shopping I still had to go to the 24 hour supermarket right after my shift, when hardly anybody was around, and I still had to use the self checkout exclusively. I was far too scared to interact with a cashier. Once, a few years back, the self checkout lanes were closed for maintenance one night, and I didn't go grocery shopping for a week because I was too scared to call and check if they were up and running again. But now, I felt like maybe I would be able to make that phone call if it ever happened again.

The first sign that something might be wrong happened a month after I bought Elsie. I had left for work that evening with Elsie's hands placed in her lap, sitting on a chair in my bedroom. When I returned, her hands dangled at her sides. At the time, I fully assumed that I had either misremembered how I placed her, or perhaps the position in which I had placed her hands wasn't very stable, and they had slowly fallen down to her sides over time. I was a little scared, a bit nervous, but I was able to rationalize it.

This was just the first of Elsie's slight changes of position. When I came back from work, there would sometimes be slight differences from how I had left her, but at first there was never anything that seemed too unreasonable. If I had left her with legs crossed, they would be uncrossed when I got back. Hands folded on the table would be unfolded. An upright sitting position would become slightly slumped. Nothing that couldn't be explained by the force of gravity and slightly unstable positioning.

The more disturbing development happened when I was in bed one morning with Elsie (my shift was from 7 PM to 3 AM, so I usually went to bed around 4 AM, unless I had been going grocery shopping). I had, as usual, activated her simulated breathing and body heat, as I found it drastically aided in my falling asleep. I was just about to drift off into unconsciousness, listening to the slightly mechanical whirring sound of her breathing, when the comfortable white noise was interrupted with tinny, recorded moans. They were sexual, crass, and wholly unwanted. You must understand that I never actually used Elsie for her intended purpose, I thought about it a couple times, but could never work up the guts to actually do the deed, so this sound was completely alien to me. For a moment I didn't even process that Elsie was the source of the noise, as I had never actually pressed the button which activated the moans before. I leapt out of bed, horrified, and crouched in the corner for a few minutes while I calmed myself down, trying to ignore the lewd sounds emanating from the humanoid figure lying in my bed.

Eventually I pulled myself together and pressed the hidden button that toggled her moaning, causing the noises to cease. I looked to see what could have accidentally pressed it to result in my scare, but I was at a loss. The button was located near the small of her back, and took a fair amount of effort to press. It didn't seem possible that I could have somehow pressed it by accident. I didn't manage to get any more sleep that night.

This was to be only the beginning of the unwanted sounds. More and more frequently when I came home from work I would find that Elsie had somehow managed to turn herself on, and in addition to this the changes in position had become increasingly less easy to ignore. On one occasion her face was turned towards the door as if she had been waiting for me, her chest heaving up and down mechanically as her artificial exclamations of simulated pleasure echoed from her unmoving lips. She had been left facing the wall.

It became difficult to fall asleep. As soon as I would begin to drift off, the pleasant white noise of her breathing would be interrupted with those incessant, unwanted moans. I eventually gave up on sleeping with the doll entirely, wearing ear plugs and moving Elsie into the living room when I wanted to get some rest, despite the lonely sensation of the empty bed making it harder to drift off. In some ways, it almost felt as if I were undergoing an argument with a romantic partner, though I had no basis for comparison.

Even after I ceased sleeping in the same bed as Elsie, the moans didn't stop tormenting me. In my dreams I would be confronted by the doll, the pajamas I covered her with removed, exposing the silicone skin beneath. I dreamed that she chased me through an endless labyrinth of writhing, moaning rubber bodies, melted together to form walls and corridors. I sometimes woke up screaming, the bed soaked through with sweat.

It seems obvious now that I should have gotten rid of the doll as soon as the dreams began, but you must understand that during that period of time before the changes of position and the moaning, it was the happiest I had ever been. I was chasing that high, desperate to believe that I could return to that state of relative contentment again. I knew deep down it wasn't healthy, I knew that whatever improvement to my mental health that I had gained was rapidly being overwritten by this new obsession, but I didn't care.

Once I considered cutting the noise box out of her, or at least permanently disconnecting the button, I was convinced that an error with the button itself was causing the sounds to activate. I flipped Elsie over and pulled up the pajama shirt, exposing the rubber flesh of her back. I held a paring knife in my right hand, as it was the most delicate sharp instrument that I owned. A scalpel would have been better, but I didn't own one and couldn't bear to wait for an online delivery.

I moved the knife slowly towards the small of her back, where the button that controlled the moans was located, but as I did so, the doll's body began to move up and down, the mechanical breathing filling the air with a soft white noise. I dropped the knife and began to sob. I couldn't do it. I knew deep down that she- it, was not human. It wasn't real. But I still couldn't do it. I pulled back down the pajama shirt and placed her back in her chair.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it", I told her, looking down at my feet, ashamed.

The doll just stared at me, face blank, unmoving. As it always was. As it always would be.

- - -

The final horror occurred only a week ago. I had slept fitfully and woke up late, extremely late. My alarm didn't go off. I scrambled to get ready for work, unable to find my security badge anywhere. I usually left it right on my nightstand when I went to bed, but it wasn't there. Grumbling, I grabbed the backup badge I kept in a drawer and drove off to work.

I arrived to the office building in the pouring rain and scanned my badge at the door, managing to squeak out a few pleasantries to the security guard before getting down to business. I was scheduled to deep clean the carpets that day, so I grabbed the steam cleaner and began work on my assigned task.

I spent the first half of my shift in relative peace, listening to classical music through my wireless earbuds. After the first four hours, I enjoyed a brief lunch consisting of a sandwich and some tea, before heading back to work. As always, the building was calm, still, and silent, aside from the faint music that only I could hear. After the clock struck 11, however, I heard a faint sound. I paused my music and took out an earbud to listen. It was indistinct, but there was some noise that I couldn't quite make out. I turned off the steam cleaner and listened closer. All the blood left my face and my heart began beating hard in my chest when I recognized the sound.

Somewhere in the building, I could hear grotesque, exaggerated moaning.

I abandoned my steam cleaner and began running towards where I thought the source of the noise was located. I was reminded of my dreams, of fleeing through that writhing maze of silicone flesh. I rounded a corner, and caught a glimpse of a vague humanoid shape going down a corridor, its gait awkward and clumsy, like that of a marionette operated by an inexperienced puppeteer. The moaning began to grow fainter, as if whatever was making the sound was moving very quickly away.

I sprinted as fast as I could, desperate to see the source of those awful sounds, desperate to be proved wrong. By the time I reached the corridor, there was nobody there. I listened for the moans, seeking out some clue as to which direction to go next, but all was silent once again. Questioning my sanity, I returned to the steam cleaner and finished my shift, passing by the snoring form of the night security guard as I made my way back to my car.

When I arrived back at the house, I was greeted with further horror. Elsie was nowhere to be found. I searched every room, the closets, even in the attic which I was usually far too afraid to climb up into, even in broad daylight. I found nothing.

I eventually checked to make sure every door in the house was firmly locked, and settled down in bed, locking my bedroom door as well. All the excitement had made me quite tired, and despite my terror I quickly fell into a deep sleep.

I dreamed again of the moaning labyrinth of writhing false flesh, of being chased by the doll. It kept gaining on me, its puppet-like herky jerky motions becoming faster and faster until I felt its unnaturally smooth hand grip my shoulder. The half-living walls moaned in terrible pleasure. I jolted awake, terrified, my heart pounding.

I nearly passed out again when I realized the moaning hadn't stopped when I woke up.

It was coming from under the bed. I grabbed the flashlight I kept on my nightstand in case of emergencies and jumped out of bed, flicking the flashlight on and pointing it under the bed as though the light would ward off what lay there. I unlocked the bedroom door while keeping myself facing the bed, one hand on the doorknob in case I had to run. I started to crouch down, so I could look underneath the bed, the trembling of my hand causing the flashlight's beam to wobble slightly.

It was staring at me. Expressionless, unseeing eyes gazing out from the shadows. The doll's pajamas were drenched with rain, and in one stiff, rubber-coated hand it held my security badge. The chest heaved up and down with a mechanical rhythm as the moaning continued, before finally all sound ceased and the doll's chest lay still once more.

I must have crouched there for hours, waiting to see if it would move, but it just lay there, staring like a decapitated fish head. Eventually I dragged it out from under the bed and on to a blue plastic tarp. I rolled it up around the doll and tied it up with nylon rope, duct tape, and zip ties. When all was said and done, the end result looked disturbingly like the sort of thing a serial killer would use to dispose of a corpse.

I drove out to the edge of town and tossed the package into a dumpster behind a grocery store. I was worried that someone would see me and I'd have to explain myself, but nobody noticed me. I half expected the bag to emit some muffled moans, but it remained silent. I drove home and triple checked that my doors were locked and my windows were closed before calling out sick to work and laying in bed, crying.

I sometimes feel guilty about what I did, especially when I lie in bed those lonely mornings after I've just finished with work. I still see it in dreams, chasing me like some damnable puppet which cut its own strings as I run down endless corridors of undulating plastic flesh, my ears assaulted by the disgusting, horrible moans of simulated false pleasure. Sometimes when I wake up, I swear I can still hear those moans, emanating faintly from just outside my window.

#horror story #horror fiction #horror

1 note · View note

meditationsbyalma · 11 months

Text

The intention behind why you do what you do.

I have a very wild tendency to align my life and "work hard" on myself. That includes plotting a plan that involves a bunch of habits and routines that I must commit to in order to measure my progress and success over a particular period of time. whether it is going to the gym five times a week, sticking to my diet, or even writing this blog on a weekly basis.

In the presence of any perturbation in my life, if someone very precious to me passes away or something negative takes place out of my zone of control, I take all of the sadness and grief into my routine of "self improvement" and use it as fuel in order to look back a few months on that moment and feel proud that I managed to walk out of it with progress and value instead of being vengeful and resentful towards what "happened to me".

Lately, I have been meditating on this belief of mine, and I'm starting to realise the flaws that it hides in its shining purity of wisdom and positivity.

To meditate on one’s actions, to take a step back and study your own patterns, is leverage that could save you years of making the same repetitive mistakes in life and give you a better approach to taking decisions in the future (aside from a lot of other benefits). Self-consciousness (a personality trait that could be interpreted as the ability to be mindful of one’s actions and the intention behind them) is a quality that could be developed and worked on throughout the years, but it only starts by taking matters from a broader perspective and questioning the intervention of your actions and beliefs into the scenarios that you repeatedly find yourself a part of, whether negative or positive (asking oneself, "How did I end up being here? or what can I learn from that person's experience to avoid finding myself in their shoes in the future?").

But this is not why I’m writing this blog. Behind self-consciousness and awareness (after you manage to identify what you have done wrong or why you keep on doing whatever you are doing, "the patterns"), there is an aspect of purifying your intentions and setting a healthy basis for your future plans in order to achieve them while maintaining the ethical and cleansing spiritual aspect of you as a human being.

It is good to aim for self-improvement and work on one’s flaws. But it is extremely unhealthy for you to do so as a way to take revenge on someone for letting you down or breaking up with you. Or to prove a member of your family wrong for not believing in your dreams and not supporting you when you needed that support. Or to fill that void of feeling that you do not deserve to be where you are or that you will not be able to achieve your goals (imposter syndrome).

The reason why I am writing this blog is that it took me a lot of time to understand the importance and sensitivity of the intention behind our goals and vision. Nothing fuels me to start working on myself more than the grief as a consequence of the deaths of those who were close to me. Nothing fuels me more to be a better student than being rejected in a group for a project related to my studies because of my mediocre skills in my field. Nothing fuels my need to be ethical and spiritual more than my deep knowledge and belief that I can deviate and become a very dark and vengeful person (those tendencies are deeply rooted in me, just like every man who has the clarity within himself to admit to their presence in his own character).

In a study that was conducted, they found that the three most common traits of highly successful people are:

superiority complex: a deeply rooted belief that one’s value, achievements, and actions are more valuable than others. As well as a highly unjustified sense of deserving.

Insecurity: something to cover and hide from the world

Impulse control: the difficulty of setting a limit to one’s behaviours and patterns

I guess whatever I’m trying to say is that you can be successful even by the standards that you set for yourself (or others set for you) at the beginning of your journey of self-improvement. But that is definitely not a neutral indicator of your level of spiritual and healthy progress as a soul living a human physical experience.

Ask yourself the following: Would you rather be where you want to be and still hold to the grudge that you have towards whatever happened to you? Or would you rather be successful by your own standards while making sure that the intention behind your actions comes from a place of love and abundance?

Take a step back and meditate on whatever happened to you. You probably know exactly what unhealthy dark shadow you’re still holding on to in order to justify whatever fucked-up situation you are part of at this moment or whatever sort of revenge you will be taking in order to bring "justice" into the world. Work on that sensation and spend as much time as needed on addressing it and making peace with whatever happened. Realise that it’s not your fault and decide voluntarily that you will move on from it without holding grudges or harbouring dark feelings. The process is not as easy as it sounds, of course. But it could save you years of unjustified pain, and it would set you free from the mental blocks you've set for yourself.

In the future, when you decide to pursue a passion or aim for something meaningful, ask yourself, Why do I want to do this? Is the intention behind it coming from a place of love, or do I need to work on that part of me that refuses to let go and chooses fear instead of love? Am I doing this for myself? Or do I want to prove someone wrong? Will I be satisfied if I do not reach that goal? or does all my value and self-esteem hang on reaching it?

Maybe when I write this sentence, it is more directed to myself (Yassine) than to any of you. But I hope you realise and, most importantly, hold on to the belief that you can be who you want to be while maintaining your pure, loving essence along your journey.

Yassine Said.

Comments from the writer:

1- I tried to find the accurate resources for the study that was mentioned, but I could not find them. Nevertheless, I take the words of Alex Hormozi seriously, and I trust that he would build his opinion on a scientific basis.

2- The topic of intention goes way deeper than our physical dimensions. Intention is your use of will, the manifestation of your consciousness into the world, and most importantly, the interpretation that you decide to adapt for your soul into its physical reality. Intention is fundamentally your spiritual gate for interacting with your world (it is very soon to write about this, but I will definitely do so!).

1 note · View note

skyfall8600 · 1 year

Text

Touched by Darkness (Chapter 7)

This is an original work of mine, I do not permit anyone to copy or repost it anywhere. If you would like to interact with it or write something similar, please message me and give credit where it is due.

Warnings: angst, maybe some depressive thoughts, hospital visit, supernatural romance, violence. Love triangle

Series Masterlist

[3.2k]

————————————————————————————————————————————————-

“I’m sorry but she is very unstable, we may have to run some tests to see if she is mentally okay.”

My wrists and ankles were strapped down to the bed, another thick strap is holding my waist in place on the bed.

“Considering her traumatic experiences, it is something that could have a massive impact on such a young girl. If we could just run some tests to see if she’s mentally stable-”

I’m not able to see the doctor, by the sound of his voice he sounded like an old man who knew exactly what he was talking about. The thin blindfold over my eyes was starting to irritate me, I tried so hard not to move.

“No, no tests are to be done on her. Nothing is wrong with her, she is a sweet and normal teenage girl.” Helen interrupted her. “I’ll be back tomorrow morning and I expect her to be ready to be discharged.”

The sound of the door slamming makes me jolt slightly, giving away my cover of pretending to still be knocked out.

“You don’t fool me Ms. Anderson, I know you have been awake the entire time. Now, please do try to understand that you are nowhere near normal, seeing your medical records you should have at least some medical disability by this stage in your life. It is incredibly remarkable that you appear to be completely fine, given your rather colourful medical history.”

I opened my mouth to speak, but the entire inside of my throat was dry.

“Don’t try speaking any time soon, also… you won’t be able to take off the blindfold as it keeps your eyes moist so it is ready for the first test I am planning to run.”

All of a sudden my heart feels heavy, as if it’s in my lungs and stopping me from breathing.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me… I need to prepare the examination room for your first test that will take place in 2 hours.”

I attempt to speak again, wanting to ask what the test will include.

“Due to the seizure episode today, which we can’t seem to link to anything of the sorts, we want to take a little bit of a closer look. So, let’s just say that it will be an examination of your eyes and brain. That of course includes, us having to …. Cut some things open. Don’t worry, the next test will include us running a heart examination to see how it is that your heart is able to handle such extreme measures and it still runs perfectly. Honestly your body is quite…. remarkable and spectacular, I would love to see how it has become like that.”

Can this doctor get any creepier? He talks about wanting to cut open my eyes, brain and heart because he likes how it works. In situations like this, I would normally answer him back, maybe kick him somewhere it hurts and make a run for it. Of course that is hard to do when you are tied down to the fucking bed.

His footsteps fade out of the room, he’s gone.

I use all the strength and try to free myself from the straps holding me down. I struggle and fail at getting free, if anything I think it made the straps tighten around me. I did manage to loosen the blindfold, I now have one eye that I am able to see the room with one eye.

The room was like every other hospital room I have been in, except it wasn’t the same room that I was in before. The same creamy white floors, the same tiles on the roof but on the walls, there was padding. The door was unnoticeable, like it was never there.

There were no bedside tables, no flowers or balloons. Not that I’m complaining. No windows and no machines.

Looking at my arms, they were so pale and had scars from where the tubes from the machines were injected in me, the clothes I was in were simple. Just a plain hospital gown.

This doctor was really focused on the idea of me being crazy.

Just seeing this room, it makes me want to cry, all I wanted was one normal day at a normal high school. I just wanted a normal life, which was the only thing I was looking forward to when I moved here.

The tears had finally formed and were starting to stroll down my face.

A husky voice enters the room and it slows down my tears “Julius look at her, you heard what that doctor wants to do to her and we should take her now. Before he ever gets the chance of slicing her open!”

“I doubt that she wants to see me, let alone me saving her again.” Julius replies.

I turned my head and looked at them, Julius had tears in his eyes and Blake, using the name I made for him, had an angry expression on his face. I felt so defenceless and useless just lying here and looking at them.

“Julius, if they find out that she’s different they will never leave her out of their sight, they will run tests and they will be the ones making her go crazy, we should take her back to the palace. We could save her from these armatures cutting her to pieces!” Blake grabs Julius’ arm “Brother, I know that you don’t trust me with her but please, not like this.”

Palace? Brother?

“Brother, you’re right. Not like this. Lock the door and untie her ankles.” Julius demands. He steps towards me, he takes off my blindfold and holds my cheek in his hand. “We’ll take her back to the castle, but if any of us get caught, I’m blaming it on you.”

Blake smiles wickedly and he runs to the door.

My throat was still dry to the bone and there was nothing I could say.

“I really hope that you listened to that story I told you.” Julius says to me as he unties my wrist and waist, he helps me to my feet once Blake finished uniting them and he let me lean all my support on him. Afraid to make me stand on my own, I was certain that my legs would have given out.

I cling to him, my fist holding tightly onto his shirt and arm.

“You’ll be safe. If they find out what you are capable of, you won’t live long enough for you to find out for yourself.” He whispers into my ear. “I’m right here, I’ll never leave again.”

It was only then that I realised, that no matter what. No matter when. He’s always here to save me.

And I think I will always need you.

“Julius, everything’s set. The doctors won’t notice she’s missing until they come in for her. We should probably leave, now.”

Julius nods and holds me tighter in his arms, I close my eyes. “Electra you may feel a little bit dizzy after this.”

I didn’t understand what he meant, until of course after I opened my eyes and noticed the room had changed. A thin vibration was tingling throughout me, it felt like the entire room was spinning and I was about to fall.

I was in a bedroom, it looked like it was designed for a king, the curtains were a rich blood red and nearly everything was outlined with a gold rim. Blake was nowhere to be seen but I was still in Julius’ arms.

“Welcome to my home.”

Julius led me to the bed, he told me to sit down and I did as I’m told. My backside sinks into the large king sized bed and he crouches down in front of me.

My eyes are wide open with shock as I sit here in silence and notice that I was no longer in the hospital gown, I was in a long silk gown. It clung to my body and the light colour of the baby blue silk flowed freely at the bottom of my legs.

“You do remember the story I told you, right?” He asks me, his ocean blue eyes never leaving mine as I nod in reply. My body no longer hurt and I felt relatively fine, the only thing prohibiting me from speaking was my state of shock.

“It was all true, the brothers and the entire kingdom were true. Do you remember those brothers’ names?”

“Jo—Jonathan and Benjamin.” I manage to get the words out.

His gaze falls to the floor and he lets out a deep breath, “Yes, which was partly right. You see, those were the brothers’ birth names given to them as a child but when they grew and they travelled into the villages and towns of their kingdom, they wanted to go unnoticed and not be treated like the prince they both were. They created new names for themselves, names that would strip them from their royal identity.”

He runs his hands through his hair. It flowed freely and small strands waved to one side. I was so tempted to take over and spread his dark luscious locks through my fingers.

“Their love only knew them by these new names, when she spoken them out loud they were at her side within minutes-”

“How do you know so much about this?” I cut him off. “Why are you telling me all this? What does this have anything to do with me?” My voice is now ranging with determination.

I stand to my feet, this catches him off guard and he falls backwards because of how close he was to me. “Electra please, this has everything to do with you!” he jumps up and grabs my arm. His hand was mere millimetres away from the silk sleeve of my gown.

“How!?”

He pulls me closer to him, both our chests almost touching. “Because your- I can’t tell you, yet.”

“Because I’m what? You were going to say something, now say it!”

His eyes looked sad, the vibrant blue colouring now a dull cloud of emotions. “I can’t tell you. It’s too complicated, I’m sorry but I shouldn’t have even told you my name.”

I removed his grip from my arm, I looked at him once more with the tears now forming in my eyes. I practically speed-walked to the door. Not knowing where I am going or if there is any place to really go.

“Electra, just calm down and let me explain.”

“Julius, trust me, you’ve explained enough.”

Even though he really hasn’t explained anything at all, my hand grabs hold of the door handle and moved it to see if it’s locked. “I haven’t even told you everything, Electra please, just listen to me.”

Before he could take another step closer to me, I bolted out the door. I ran right and left and I ended up losing count of how many corridors I turned into. It didn’t help that all the corridors looked the same, the same grey walls, the same black marble floors and the same wooden doors.

I tripped over the length of my silk gown and my bare feet, I shielded my head with my arms as I fell to the floor. I got myself up as quick as I fell, I continued running.

I start to lose my breath and I feel a stitch forming in my side, I lean against one of the walls. As I stand still I notice the cold breeze connecting with my so little exposed skin.

I followed the wind, hoping that it would be my way out.

It led me to the balcony, it had lilies and roses of many colours. There was a table that was placed in the middle, on the table there was a single black rose that had a red ribbon wrapped around it.

“Princess?” only one person I know calls me that, I turn around and see who I expected.

“Hi.” I say to him, his white hair moving by the wind in front of his violet eyes. “Do you know why I’m here?”

Blake smiled slightly and he walked towards me “Yes, I do.” A brushes his hand against my arm, of course I can’t feel his exact touch as the silk is breaking the contact.

“One thing I don’t understand is…… you said that you wanted me dead, but you wanted to get me out of there because you thought it would save me. Do you want me dead or not?”

A deep chuckle vibrates through his throat and his hand cups my cheek. “Princess, you being dead is the only way I can have you. Let’s just say that I got the bad end of the deal.”

“What deal?”

“I can’t tell you, I’m sorry but that’s how it is.”

I walked away from him, I picked up the rose and was unfocused. I didn’t realise that the rose’s stem had thrones. One of the thorns pierced deep into my index finger on my right hand.

I looked behind me to see if Blake was still there, but he was gone.

“No one tells me anything.” I mutter to myself, l look down at both of my hands and I notice that instead of where the thorn cut me, my lightning scar was bleeding. My right hand was perfectly fine.

No cut, no scratch, not even a bruise.

My lightning scar wasn’t bleeding heavily but it was as if the scab was deliberately ripped off my skin.

I put the rose back down on the table and I clench my fist and watch each drop of blood fall onto the table, some onto the black rose petals. The red blood doesn’t show on the petals, it was as if it was never touched by it.

There was something beautiful about the delicate petals being harmed and no one would ever know because the pain and torture wasn’t visible.

The view from the balcony wasn’t spectacular or amazing in any way.

The only thing you could see were more buildings and towers of the castle. The wind was still strong, blowing my hair in many different directions, the sun was heating up my skin and filling me with warmth.

The sun is beauty itself, but beauty could kill.

As much as I would hate to say it, but, I want to go back. I would say home, although I don’t have one. I’ve never had one.

A single petal of the rose must have been collecting the most amount of my blood, the petal was slowly disconnecting itself from the others as it became the heaviest.

The rose’s petal was like a community, a large number but only one takes all the impact, that one slowly fades away and no one cares or notices.

No one would care or notice if I was gone, I don’t see the difference it would make. I was a nobody that spent most of her time in hospitals and I was a lonely orphan. I always thought my life was meaningless, yet here I stand, in a castle and in a silk gown.

“I take it that you do not like it here?”

I look in the corner of my eye, my eyes start to burn in the direct sunlight and the cold air coming from the wind were making them sting. “What made you realise that?”

I couldn’t hear him moving closer. “I can’t take you back.”

I turn around to face him, I wipe my hand on the silk gown and it stings slightly. “Why not?” I shake my head lightly and the tears start to form in my eyes.

“If you go back, they’ll lock you up. It must be ripping them apart that it’s taken this long to realise that you're different.” His eyes seem like he’s in pain just by thinking about it. “Here you will be safe.”

He steps towards me and I run my hand through my hair, I begin to shake and I feel something in my chest tighten “What am I? How am I different?” I scream in his face.

“You just are, that is all I can say for now. I hope you enjoy your time in the castle, this will be your home from now on.”

The cold breeze slowed down and the sun began to fade, my fringe started to twirl in front of my face and he held it in place with his fingers.

He plays with it and his long lost smile returns. “Julius, why did he try to help me when he wanted me dead?”

I shouldn’t have asked, his smile was gone and he took a step back at the mention of his so-called brother. Dropping my hair from his fingers, he responded “Because he doesn’t want to hurt you.”

I laugh lightly and for a second I think that my brain is going insane, “That makes no sense, Julius, what does he want from me?”

His face saddens and it hurts me that what I said is making him feel like that. “He wants you and that’s all he’s ever wanted.” His eyes soften and he straightens his back, “I know I haven’t told you much but I’ve told you enough for now.”

“Why me? Is it impossible for me to have a normal life?” the tears have finally come out, two at a time. I lift up my hand to wipe them away, when my hand connects with my cheek it starts stinging. I completely forgot about my bleeding scar and adding my wet tears to it only made it worse.

As I hiss in pain, Julius rushes closer to me. He holds my hand in his and rips off a piece of fabric from his shirt, he wraps it around my hand and ties it in a knot.

“How did this happen?” this time it’s him asking the question.

“By that do you mean.. let’s say … I got magically transported to a castle…. or how my clothes just vanished and I’m now in this gown?” That may have been a little bit too sarcastic, but he deserves what he gets.

He raises one of his perfect eyebrows, “You know what I mean, how did you get this cut?”

“Ouch..” I say when he gently tightened the knot.

“Sorry.” He slowly runs his thumb over my hand, his touch sending shivers all around me, “How did you get it?”

“I…I—“ it becomes hard to speak, his sea blue eyes shine in the remaining light, his sad eyes. “When I was— I was struck by lightning, the glass— shattered and cut my hand.”

My gaze goes to his hand, still holding mine. The coolness of the air hitting my body in the thin gown was now overpowered by the burning sensation radiating from where our hands touched.

He must have seen what I was looking at as he quickly let go of my hand. “Ah.. I’ll.. I’ll show you to your room.”

He starts to walk off, not too fast but fast enough that it caught me by surprise and I have to speed-walk after him.

I walk straight behind him, maybe four-five feet away. I try to pay more attention to the hallways this time, since I’m not running away.

I don’t even know why I ran, I guess it must have been the shock of being transported into a castle and finding out the clothes I was wearing had changed.

The paintings in the hallway were of the castle and what seemed to be the villages, every now and then there were portraits of couples and women and they were all wearing such nice gowns and dresses. They all looked rich and unhappy.

————————————————————————————————————————————————-

🌟 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 Please support your fellow artists by reblogging works. Tumblr does not use likes as anything other than a bookmark 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟

Chapter 8

Series Taglist

@olipratton

#original characters #original works #angst #love triangle #supernatural genre #romance #curse #magic #skyfall8600

1 note · View note

rrxnjun · 2 years

Note

ahhh no bc I find human interaction hard too </3 + I tend to overthink my responses so fghsfkgs yeah pls don’t apologize for replying late !!

I got into kpop back in 2018 (?) and its been my comfort zone since then. I started off as an army (yes, an army 💀. lets not talk ab 13 y/o me and her questionable decision making skills here but, like, their music was actually good back then hhhh the emo in me appreciated them a lot lol) then slowly moved onto nct. oml I still remember not liking chewing gum and complaining ab the entire concept to a friend 😭😭 but !! the song grew on me and then came the point when I began looking into the dreamies seriously and ajgdf here I am :’) ngl I still need time to understand nct songs as a whole (yes, I'm looking at you sticker)

OKAYY so I remember reading somewhere that your bias’ personality tend to match yours?? and I think that holds for you kjfhgskdjg my mbti’s intj and so is yangyang’s so I think that’s one thing we share uhh that and maybe being extremely weird. I'm not ‘eaten cat food’ level weird but I am definitely weird to sm extent. OH GODS THAT PART WHERE THEY SING I’M GONNA LOVE YOU BY D.O kyungsoo from exo is my ult of ults so hearing them sing along to his song while driving >>> i was feeling sm things fr. renjun and yangyang are just🥺🤧😭😭

ohhh doyoung’s one of my 127 biases too lord the vocals >>> have you listened to maniac by hyuck and doyoung?? It’s really good. anyways nct vocal line supremacy and nct supremacy in general damnn they make it so hard to choose biases.

I still love dive into you sm that song always gets the waterworks working for sm reason think it’ll be in my spotify wrapped again (oml its been a year since hot sauce ?? time’s an illusion ByE) and oof turn back time era was so gooood after midnight, nectar hmm it was just hoe anthem after hoe anthem but I'm not complaining at all !! you have any fave songs from these eras?

so I stan nct, red velvet and exo (I ult them tho they’re like super ia) I'm a casual stan for shinee, enhypen and svt. I was a serious stay but just slowly lost track of the things there. I regularly listen to txt and aespa (had a v serious bluehour phase and black mamba phase back in 2021 lol) but I haven’t gone beyond that. Anddd I do randomly listen to other groups but I don’t really know the members.

Dfkjhd LMAOO ALRIGHT so I'm a stem student who is seriously considering engineering so idt I'm getting rid of math anytime soon :’) and as desperate times call for desperate measures and all that I'm willing to try anything that’ll help me keep going *war flashback to the time listening to firetruck on loop for like 3 hrs helped me finish a 100 q calc assignment a day before the submission date* ohh I had a serious emo phase of sorts back in 2017-18 like right before kpop overtook my playlists kfjf I listened to more of twenty one pilots, imagine dragons, 5sos, halsey uhh couple of more I don’t remember them rn

p.s. 👀 the yangyang tiktok. also, ily have a good day/night and remember to stay hydrated <3

I feel like everyone starts as an army HHH i did too! altho the first kpop song i really vibed to was hip by mamamoo, bts was the first group i stanned. I actually got into kpop as a joke at first but then i kind of uhh realised i liked it so i just made it my whole personality 💀💀 im not ashamed of my army past tho,, i started writing again because of them! and the times when i was an army brought me a lot of joy. while i dont enjoy their new music and dont keep up with them at all, i recnogise the positive impact they had on me

chewing gum >>>>> instant serotonin fr. also pause. YOU DONT LIKE STICKER ??? good for you honestly. i didnt like it at first but now that i got into kpop again i just. i dont know what it is. i feel like i was drugged bc im obsessed w it ?? i even let out a happy giggle yesterday when i heard the opening flute i feel like im going insane.

i think the bias thing applies to me a lot with other groups as well!! also yesterday i watched the dreamies debate and renjun had the same opinions as me (mostly) and in the last one he even made the same points i would I FELT LIKE I WAS GOING CRAZY SHSJ WHAT IS THIS. im an infp/infj! not sure who shares that mbti haha. also i ate dog food before and more than once just to see how it tastes so idk what that says abt me

KYUNGSOO IS YOUR BIAS ?? im not an exo-l but the songs i know from them, i really really enjoy. idk if i said this before but im the biggest fan of baekhyun's solo music i even own the bambi album 😩😩his albums are a fundemental part of me and from what i've seen in superm, i am absolutely crazy for this man. maybe you can recommend me some exo music to listen to bc i would love to get into them more 👀

MANIAC IS SO GOOOOOD my e2l hyuck fic is inspired and named after it 😭 i fucking love that song. THEIR VOCALS!!!!!

nct vocal line supremecy but also nct dance line!! nobody does it like them. their dance line is so strong fr nobody competes!!! but yes their vocals are truly unmatched. nct outsang. stay mad about it.

A YEAR SINCE HOT SAUCE DONT REMIND ME 😭😭😭 dive into you is one of my favs but rainbow is what truly gets my tears rolling. my comfort song fr. and nectar and after midnight >>>>> but i must confess that my fav is actually electric hearts it makes me feel unbelievable abount of serotonin. the fact that yy and hendery wrote the lyrics makes the whole song even better 😩 lowkey wanna write a soulmate au inspired by it 👀

so youre an sm stan!! i literally started stanning aespa like 3 days ago. had another bisexual awakening i feel like. i always wanted to get into red velvet but it never really worked out smh. i used to be a serious stay as well!! but if im being 100% honest, i had a big falling out w this group after in life era. it hurt me a lot to say goodbye to them but i barely even stan anymore, if im being honest. they were a big part of my life, but the music just isnt for me anymore :((

YOURE A STEM STUDENT ? how. i used to be a business student lmaoo so i didnt really have to study any science/math subjects lmao. absolutely hated business school, tho. thank god i graduated this year <3 im going to study psychology at uni in september, so neurobiology is the closest i'll get to being a stem student hahaha. good luck w your studies!! it must be hella hard i cant imagine

I HAD AN EMO PHASE IN 2015-2018 AS WELL AAAAA i fucking loooved twenty one pilots but they are just not it anymore 😭 the same w all time low why do punk groups always have to have a pedophilia/sa scandals. i also loved 5sos, parx and paramore hh but i still do to this day!

and to end this off here you have the yy tiktok as a sneak peek before i post tomorrow <3

#also ps i love talking to you #i hope you have a great day/night stay safe xx #💌ask #ni 🌱

1 note · View note