#i dont think ive ever met anyone my age that wants to settle down so early in life either lol

[sistervirtue]

you have not missed out on ANYTHING, i promise you. youre only 20, you still have so much time and YES, even to do all the "early 20s" stuff you think you missed out on. you havent even started your early 20s yet! you have time to grow and do all the things you want to do :) the internet might make you think your life is over at 20 but its not, youre young and people who say life is short are liars. life is long, and you havent failed (you never will).

yeah, its not that i think its like....the end of my life or whatever i know most people really only get settled way later...i mean hell, my dad only recently really started living, i think. i havent ever seen him this happy

its really more about iunno. like missing the tutorial or whatever. i regret not spending more time with other people as a kid, i regret not going to prom junior year (i was going to do it senior year, but...yknow), i regret trying to structure my life around whats "most pragmatic" and not getting to really enjoy things. the last three years have turned me into a neurotic mess if i wasnt already one, but unlike high school, i feel like my ability to be productive has gone way down (ive barely been able to draw for months atp...between strain injuries and the other health shit and just fatigue, i used to push stuff out once a week), im sad we didnt get to do our senior year art show, stuff like that

and i kinda feel like im making the same mistake-- don't get me wrong, i like my coworkers and the classmates ive met, but i barely spend time with anyone my own age. i barely MEET anyone my own age. i barely know anything about what there is to do in the town i live in. i dont know any campus events, and when i joined a club, i ended up being unable to attend because of work and had trouble speaking to anyone. ive tried shit like bumble and tinder, but even when i meet someone nice its hard to keep up. i know we all talk about being chronically online or whatever, but outside of my job, i really have trouble talking to people, even if it's just the cashier at the store.

sorry, this is a really nice ask, and i really do appreciate it-- its just not that im scared of losing my youth. i just dont want to live like this right now, and i cant rely on the promise of things getting better when i feel like all ive done is get even worse

#i just dont really feel great about anything going on

[thelifetimechannel]

This week’s bonus content brings us Jake and John discussing the likelihood of  a robot apocalypse:

JAKE: Hey there pal! JAKE: So youre jades... brother? JOHN: that's right! JOHN: compared to how confusing everyone else's family trees are, we are very straight forward. JOHN: even if we did not know we were related at first... JOHN: i wasn't sure how YOU were related to her, back when you were pen pals. JOHN: do you remember sending me that letter? JAKE: By jove i almost forgot about that. It feels like ages ago. JOHN: i don't know how long it was for you, but i got it three years ago. JAKE: I mean from my point of view it was only a couple of months but a lots gone on. JOHN: it arrived on my birthday so it was right on time. JOHN: it came in handy in a tight spot. JOHN: you were right in your letter, i DO love movies. JOHN: even if i am not into wrestling that much. JAKE: Oh well ive had my fill of fisticuffs for awhile anyway. Movies on the other hand i havent had much time to dig into! JAKE: By the way did you like your present?? And little terry kiser? JOHN: um... JOHN: well, i named her liv tyler, actually. i didn't know you already named her, or him. JOHN: anyway, she saved my butt in a big way! JOHN: and then she flew off on a ship heroically, but ran off again i guess? JOHN: and then she somehow joined dave and rose on their even more heroic mission to blow up a sun. JOHN: which they failed to do mostly because they actually MADE the sun, but the important thing is that they tried. JOHN: they came back, but i think the bunny didn't make it. :( JAKE: I live by the philosophy that when a stuffed toy changes hands its appropriate to change its name. It gives things a history like that. JAKE: At least she died doing something i presume she enjoyed. JOHN: blowing up? JAKE: No!! Being a hero and dicing up bad guys! JOHN: was the robot sentient? JOHN: maybe we should have treated it with more respect, so it would not turn evil and destroy us like a watership down version of skynet. JAKE: I mean dirk helped me a little in making it and all of his projects seem to enjoy that kind of mayhem. JAKE: Not as much as his own version of the rabbit but i think in giving me advice at least a couple of his engine greased fingerprints are on it. JOHN: man, everyone is some sort of robotics genius around here. JOHN: if we hadn't already had an apocalypse ushered in by rogue technology i would be worried. JAKE: I briefly suspected hal but no worries. JAKE: I think if he were going to attempt a robopocalypse he wouldve done it a long time ago when he was bored and had less to do. JOHN: he and terezi would get along. they both seem to enjoy wreaking mayhem for fun, although she says she's sorry now. JAKE: They might try but dirk would go spare. JAKE: And I think hes tossed out all his spares for today already. JOHN: everyone has learned their lesson about devious deeds! JOHN: i'm confident that will not happen in the future. JOHN: instead we can relax and do things like watch that movie you were recommending. JAKE: Oh yeah!! JAKE: Which one did i recommend again? I think it was weekend at bernies. JOHN: the one about the corpse getting moved around to trick people? JAKE: Oh yes! Two gentlemen discover that their boss has died shortly before throwing a party and try to convince people hes still alive by puppeting his body around! Its really quite hilarious! JOHN: it sounds good. JOHN: although apparently i'm already locked in to watching a few others. JOHN: including dave's? JOHN: i can't believe he became a big deal movie star in your world, that's hilarious. JAKE: He did. Ive got one of his characters tattooed on my arm! JOHN: um JOHN: you do? JOHN: wow. JOHN: have you told him that? JAKE: Not yet. Should i? JOHN: you might actually make him speechless, which would be a first. JOHN: definitely try it. JOHN: wait, which one is it anyway? JOHN: also, how did you get a tattoo? JOHN: i thought you grew up alone or something, like jade did. JAKE: Ive got sweet bro. Dirk gave it to me after we met up! JAKE: Hes got hella jeff. We match! JAKE: Let me tell you it was a harrowing thing getting it! Id heard getting a tattoo really hurts but you know what i just closed my eyes and before i knew it it was over just like that. JOHN: ... JOHN: huh. JOHN: well, that sounds exciting. i'm sure he'll be thrilled. JOHN: none of us have ever shown that level of devotion. JOHN: mostly we just repeat his shitty memes. JAKE: Dirk takes memes to a whole new level pal. JOHN: i haven't really had a chance to meet him before this. JOHN: i've been missing out on so many reunions today, maybe because i keep bouncing around taking people places. JOHN: out of you guys i've mostly talked to jane and roxy. JOHN: and i only talked to jane once! JOHN: i'm already behind. JAKE: Oh im sure youll get along great! Hes a cool dude and super smart. A little odd but he genuinely means well. JOHN: i'm looking forward to meeting everyone! JOHN: wait, i did meet him once, that's right. JOHN: back in the bad timeline, i saw him floating in space and asked him what happened, because i'd just come back from fighting calliope's brother. JOHN: but all he said was 'i failed' and then he... turned into glitter? JOHN: there were lots of glitches floating around, it was a hazard. JOHN: hopefully we can overcome that first impression. JAKE: ...yeah that sounds like dirk. JAKE: He can be pretty dramatic. JOHN: rose and dave are super dramatic too, he'll fit right in. JOHN: with all of us together it's going to be all drama all the time. JOHN: it will be up to us normal people to keep things under control. JAKE: He grew up all alone so sometimes i think he only knows how to act from movies too but who knows. Maybe it runs in families. JAKE: Family. Weird. JAKE: Hey that means were family too arent we? JOHN: i guess so! JOHN: you're my... JOHN: hm. JOHN: relative. JAKE: Relative. I guess. JAKE: I cant exactly go calling you great uncle john even if i still call jade "grandma". JAKE: Has a ring to it though! Great uncle john! Its all folksy like poppop crocker. JOHN: that's right, i was jane's grandpa in your universe, i guess. JOHN: which is also weird to think about. JOHN: and i was sort of everyone's dad, by mixing our slimes. JOHN: so it keeps getting more outrageous. JOHN: as for knowing how to act from movies... JOHN: i didn't even grow up alone, and i think sometimes i have that problem. JOHN: you want your life to make sense that way! JOHN: but real life is a lot more complicated sometimes. JAKE: Yeah!! JAKE: God yes it is. ESPECIALLY when it comes to romance. Good grief. JOHN: i know! JOHN: the movies make it look like it's essential or something, when usually in real life it mostly seems to cause trouble. JOHN: but you can't get a good ending otherwise, unless you accomplish that and a bunch of other arbitrary criteria. JOHN: most of which we haven't accomplished ourselves, but i think we're going to get a good ending anyway. JOHN: still it can mess with your head. JOHN: real life is not like the movies, that's for sure. JAKE: Its hard to have a romance going when your life is constantly under threat by skeleton monsters. JAKE: Also your first time seeing another person in ten years and your first boyfriend happen on like the same day. JOHN: see, that's how it happens in the movies sometimes. JOHN: the main characters meet up and get together right away, and i guess you have to assume it all works out, because the movie ends. JOHN: but when you're actually doing things it is not that convenient, you have to keep going. JOHN: although i hope we're going to get a break soon. JOHN: i would be happy for the credits to close on the constant heroics and dying for a while. JAKE: Me too. JAKE: I want a nap. Without an evil spider troll waking me up. JAKE: Movies also dont tell you how tiring the whole rigmarole of adventure is. JOHN: the main characters always look great, if fashionably ruffled, and they can keep going no matter what. JOHN: but i'm kind of tired. JOHN: especially since i've lived through the same hours twice in places i think? JAKE: You and your weird time travel nonsense again huh? JOHN: i will probably be mostly retiring that, i wouldn't want to cause any more trouble. JOHN: for now it looks like everything is turning out fine on its own. JAKE: Yessir i think were on the right path now and as soon as were done here im gonna take a long nap and anyone who cares to wake me up can throw down about it even if they are a hitherto-perfectly nice troll lady. Or human lady. Or anyone else. JAKE: The suplex of slumber justice is unisex. JOHN: that's the spirit! JOHN: we will all pass out and righteously beat up any one who disturbs us. JOHN: except hopefully once we are settled somewhere a little less exposed. JOHN: if we were asleep here someone might roll off. JAKE: But we can fly? JAKE: Where would we even fall? Towards the frog since its like a planet? Or... down? Were being pulled down by gravity i guess but how can we fall down if theres just space? JAKE: Would we float in our sleep? Maybe just get sucked back to the victory platform? JOHN: that sounds like a question for jade, she's more interested in how this works. JOHN: i told her science was dumb and boring if it didn't work the way i wanted, which made her upset, but i guess i got what i wanted. JOHN: so hah. JAKE: So science works how you want now? JAKE: Are you ganking my power set young man?? JOHN: not all of science, just space and time i guess. JOHN: and all of the scientific laws i am violating with my wanton displacement of matter and energy. JOHN: what ever those laws might be. JOHN: i am not a scientist or lawyer. JOHN: or science lawyer. JAKE: You fiend. Ah well as long as you dont go abusing your power im sure nothing terrible will happen. Like you flap your windy hood and cause a hurricane down south like an errant butterfly of causality. JOHN: well, i sort of lured lord english here, but i had to to save calliope, and we had to fight him anyway, so hopefully you can let that slide. JOHN: like i said, i will be taking it easy from now on. JAKE: I hear you there. Im over here asking myself do i even want to go wandering around this wonderland of dreaminess or do i just want to curl up over in that edge of the lily pad and have a nice snooze? JAKE: You know i can nap almost anywhere. I consider it a talent. JAKE: I have fallen asleep on clear grassy hills except thats probably not a good thing because centaurs can track through at any moment and they arent too careful about where they step! JOHN: jade was like that too! JOHN: although it MIGHT have partly been a troll messing with her brain again? JOHN: trolls sure are meddlesome. JOHN: anyway, this is probably our last chance to explore the dream bubbles, so maybe hold off on the naps until later. JOHN: also, centaurs? JAKE: Centaurs! JAKE: Oh yeah did i never say my island was full of alien monsters? JAKE: Because my island was full of alien monsters. JOHN: wow, your life actually WAS like a movie. JOHN: no wonder it was tempting to see yourself as an action hero. JOHN: everyone else had such weird and dramatic childhoods. JOHN: i don't have many bragging rights but JOHN: i liked mine. JOHN: i guess i'm one of the people that actually... left something ok behind? JOHN: but that's fine! because there can be ok things in the future too. JOHN: or hopefully more than ok. JAKE: I hope so. JAKE: I mean most things would probably be better than having to keep an eye out for monsters while walking to the pantry for canned friggin beets. JAKE: Not that i couldnt handle myself but beets arent worth that much. JOHN: bluch, no. JOHN: jade kept trying to make us eat our vegetables. JOHN: it was terrible. JOHN: she doesn't even know about lunchables. JAKE: My grandma ONLY stocked veggies. JAKE: And this weird stuff called spam. JOHN: i think our jade would probably have a heart attack if she saw spam. JOHN: although she does like raw beef these days. JOHN: which is a little alarming if you see her eat it. JAKE: I think she mostly included it as a courtesy to me and also i dont think theres many other great ways to keep meat. JAKE: So i hunted! Hopefully most of those creatures were edible and i didnt give myself any weird diseases. JOHN: the rest of you were like man versus wild! JOHN: including dave and rose kind of, even though they lived in real houses. JOHN: i will have to catch up if we are in some sort of survivor situation in the new universe. JOHN: i'm not really sure how that will pan out. JAKE: Youll be fine. Well watch your back! JAKE: Dirk will probably like. Invent a house if you give him long enough. JAKE: Just stick with jane and youll be fine. Shes kind of like you in that she also had a pretty cushy upbringing if you count out the assassination attempts. JAKE: Not that i hold it against her anything. We all take our lumps as theyre given. I mean she also has a dead grand- JAKE: Wait a minute. JAKE: Did you say you were...? JAKE: *Suspicious squinting.* JOHN: what? JAKE: Janes... JAKE: Poppop? JOHN: i... guess so? JOHN: that would make sense, she was my nanna. JOHN: oh man, was i also crushed to death by a flying baby? JOHN: that would be so undignified. JAKE: But hold the damn phone!! JAKE: You were ALSO jades brother in my timeline! JAKE: So if you were siblings and youre also janes poppop... JAKE: Would that make her and i... related?? JOHN: um... JOHN: not genetically? JOHN: but i think you were adopted siblings in our world. JAKE: !! JOHN: she grew up with a brother under a wicked alien queen. JOHN: which was betty crocker! JOHN: and the troll empress. JOHN: it is all connected. JAKE: So we were always family! JAKE: Gosh shell be so surprised to find out i bet. Just over the moon. JOHN: who doesn't want more family? JAKE: Of course! Good gravy aint that just like a movie. So many of us grow up without any family to speak of and we find out we were all family all along! JAKE: Consarnit id even call that some kind of irony. JOHN: at least it's a pretty crazy coincidence. JOHN: except since skaia set it up that way it's not a coincidence at all. JAKE: The chilly wind of fate whips through our unshielded undercarriages. JAKE: Get out of there skaia that zone is closed for business! JAKE: Its not enough to be whipping round my legs its gotta go and nab my shorts too... JAKE: Well ive had the last laugh. Ive got PANTS now! AND family! HAH! JOHN: well, fate or coincidence or whatever, I'M happy about it. JOHN: and i think both pants and family are important.

#bonus content #jake english #john egbert

[mindovermilitante]

Taking back my life. Chapter 1...

Hi All,

My name is Nathan Militante. Approximately 4 months ago i thought i had it all figured out on what i wanted to do and where i wanted to go in this world. Im here today September 13th 2018 to tell my past self and the other who stumble upon this blog that it hasn't been what i expected. If anything its been the complete opposite of hat Ive wanted. But its funny when i look back on the things i wanted for the future i could never put an actual object to it. I think its always been somewhat of a feeling to obtain. The feeling-of accomplishment, or having done something important in your life, or even knowing that you're on the right path. Also sorry for this whole blog its going to be out of order, I feel its best to just type and let the words flow out, but okay back to the story at hand. 

Its the middle of May. Im dressed in my graduation outfit getting ready to proceed through the ceremony. Millions of thoughts racing through my head. Where will i go from here, what will my education look like from this point on, who will i settle down with, will i trip on my way to getting my diploma? As i tried to understand what this day meant i think i started to formulate a plan of action. I think in my mind the idea of a plan always gave me an idea of a direction i wanted to go. And so the day went by and so did the expectation that my plan would develop. But as stated earlier, it didn't...or so i thought.

Speed up to today and I am currently working for Washoe County Health district as a health educator and disease investigator, I am currently living with 3 other of my best pals including my brother, continuing on with my photography, and in love with a girl i get to all my girlfriend. But yet through all that i still feel empty. Why? 

You see my whole life has been a “Why”. 

Why cant i just afford it

Why cant i just get this right 

Why cant this just be easy 

Why cant life just catch me a break. 

In saying why all the time i realized how much i had yet to accomplish in my life. but why (see i told you) is it that i’m only 23 and stressing about all of this. It feels as if my life up to this point hasn't been much to celebrate about. 

Sure college was hard but it wasn't that hard when your going full time and you have friends in college who are there to push you through it? 

Sure rent is expensive elsewhere but our house is falling apart sometimes and my roommates drive me crazy. 

Sure I can say i love my job but there are those days when i ponder if its all worth the cause. 

Sure i love my girlfriend but at times we dont agree with each other and theres things that we dont get along with. 

But thats just it...

In one fell swoop if already named of only a fraction of the things i have neglected to be thankful for... but yet i ask why. 

Today is September 13th 2018 and im enjoying a nice lunch of grilled chicken, one banana, and a couple raspberries. Did i mention im drinking this gnarly concoction of garlic, lemon, and water to alleviate my blood pressure? 1 day ago I got the news that my depression and anxiety had come back and in turn raised by blood pressure. 6 hours ago i woke up with the idea that my life would never be the same with this diagnosis, 3 hours ago i was taking a walk instead of my usual run hating my life. and 30 minutes ago i was alone in my house pondering that ever so question i have been asking all my life...

Why? 

It was only until our house dog looked at me in a way that made me look at myself. Kind of like that thing you do when you're drunk, high, or on cloud 9 in the bathroom and your thinking to yourself how did you get here and will this ever end. Instead the person in the mirror told me to type. type it all type it out and type until there is nothing left to type. And so Im here now typing and wondering where this will lead me. Its weird the idea of typing is actually somewhat exciting and relaxing. Of course i am also listening to the wonderful styings of Joey Pecarro. But as i type all of this out i begin to see what ive been missing or what has been missing for me to understand what i have. I love my life and where its gone so far. I love the process its given me, the challenges its set out in front of me, and the idea thats its only beginning. In doing so its also shown me how much i have to be thankful for.

First off my wonderful girlfriend. This beautiful courageous funny and loving person has been there for me ever since the beginning. Funny story i actually ghosted here pretty badly a couple moths after we had met. I thing the whole thing was because i was scared of what she would think of me. But she pulled me back into our relationship and time and time again she's pulled me back into the place that i belong. I love her immensely and i truly believe that most of my success wouldn't have occurred without her doing. I owe her a-lot and i hope to show even just a fraction of what she has done for me. 

Second my friends. Wow dont talk to me unless you find some friends like mine! Ever since i could remember ive always been the type of person to move from group to group. it wasn't to say i didn't like anyone, i just couldn't find that right fit. And then freshmen year of college came along and in that hustle and bustle of university life... i found them. It isn't safe to say that they dont bug me sometimes but its also safe to say that they have saved me and molded me into the person i am today. I never once in a million years would've thought i would end up with these guys but im thankful for them each and every day. 

Thirdly (i dont even know if thats a word, sorry not sorry)  my family. It cheesy and a platitude to say everyone should be thankful for their own family, but my journey to liking them was somewhat of a rough road. To begin m parents are divorced so having that strain on the family really distanced me from accepting who they were. Another point to establish is that my family is very tradition on how success needs to be measured. Its “you're going to be a doctor” or “why cant you be like the other kids” and even “in life you need to accomplish things by this age.” Hearing those things really put in a position believing that they didn't care much about me. Only the life i was living. But as the years went by they understood me more and the success i wanted to reach the more they supported me and changed their ways. Today i owe a great deal of thanks to them and the foundational skills of hard work they have given me. 

Now of course im thankful for so much more but dont want to bore you with that list. Ill just do it another day (haha). But i think to end this story i want to talk a little about what got me to writing this. Again I am terribly sorry about the horrible typos, organization, and all around messiness this passage has to offer but bear with me. tomorrow will be better. 

Just as the title says “Taking back my life, chapter 1″, i really do want to take back my life. I suffer from serious bouts of depression and anxiety and for most of my life its been right there in the passenger seat ordering me where to go. But today ive decided to change that. I think today its not about asking why is this happening to me but rather saying to myself “its going to be okay”. Because at the end of the day it will be. But only if its done on my terms and my time. I know things take time and i know il probably have my days where it wont be perfect, but thats okay. i have to start living my life according to me, and not some mental disease. Im scared, stressed, terrified, and sick of what will happen now but those things keep me alive. Its by feeling those things that i know im moving on in the world. Forget a plan and forget trying to understand why something happens. Its time to take back my life and living it day by day with the ones I love. As for this blog i hope to keep updating it about my journey and the things i want to accomplish, the dreams i have, and the memories i make. 

Seneccca said 

“It is not that we have a short time to live, but that we waste a lot of it. Life is long enough, and a sufficiently generous amount has been given to us for the highest achievements if it were all well invested. But when it is wasted in heedless luxury and spent on no good activity, we are forced at last by death’s final constraint to realize that it has passed away before we knew it was passing. So it is: we are not given a short life but we make it short, and we are not ill-supplied but wasteful of it… Life is long if you know how to use it.”

Lastly, Im probably the last person someone with depression should talk to, but if you're out there and reading this and going through something. always know there is always something to be grateful for, someone to always know has your back, something you can always fall in love doing, and something to always look forward to. And if you cant think of anything I will always be there for you. 

#taking my life back #depression #anxeity #mental health #support #stress #counseling #hope #happines

[shawnmend-yes]

Relapse (Bittersweet part 1)

You get to the party late and under strict instructions to protect Becky from drunk Josh, you’re apprehensive to say the least because you always seem to end up alone at these parties, wishing you could crawl into a hole and die but your hopeful that tonight could be different.

It’s not long before India leaves you to go and ‘chat’ to the guy she’s been talking to for the past few weeks, and you know you’re not going to see her for the rest of the night. Luckily for you, becky spots you and drags you over to talk to the people you haven’t seen in years, not since you moved schools.

Everyone’s already kinda drunk so you feel slightly more relaxed knowing that most of them are incapable of overthinking how awkward your about to be, “Alright?” you murmur fiddling with the cuffs of your sleeve.

They barely have time to respond before you hear a shout from across field “BAILEY? Is that you?” you can barely contain your laughter as you watch ellie, who is hosting the party, attempt to run towards you with a giant cast over her leg, deciding to be a good person you jog over to meet her half way crashing into a hug that results in you holding her up.

You spend a couple of minutes catching up with her before you spot Becky sat on the floor with josh, who appears to be trying to make out with her knee while she tries to push his head off. You exchange glances with ellie before heading over to the pair on the floor calling out, “Beccs, come on a walk?”

You wait for her to push herself up and begin walking as she loops her arm through your, “What the hell was that?” you ask incredulously.

“I told you, he’s weird when he’s drunk” she titters pulling you sideways, “oh…Shawn!” she calls causing him to look up and wave from the group of people he was with. “Let’s go say hi!”

You didn’t have to walk far because it turns out shawn had the exact same idea, crossing the garden to talk to the two of you. You stand awkwardly to the side as they hug and exchange quick small talk, eyes flitting over him and taking in his new appearance, he looks so different from the 3 years ago when you saw him practically everyday, because that’s what best friends do right?

You check for the same cheeky grin and scruffy hair, but this time its accompanied by arm muscles that definitely weren’t there before. “And you… i havent seen you in ages!” he says, pulling your eyes back to his as you go in for a handshake, but he startles you wrapping his arms around you and squeezing. Your eyes pop and you catch sight of Becky out of the corner of your eye trying to stuff her fist in her mouth to prevent herself from laughing.

“Long time no see” you wheeze out as he steps back and you draw in a deep breath rubbing the edge of your ribcage casually.

Other people come and join the three of you and you decide that socializing is far too draining to do standing up so you sit down on the floor, the others following suit quickly. General conversations flit around between people and you’re happy just sat observing when Alfie reaches the group. “Becky, i need to tell you something”

She brushes her legs of standing and nudges you with her toe, “Back in a sec, bails”. You just nod at her and watch her walk away with him. A few moments shawn slides closer to you, taking it upon himself to involve you in the conversation and soon the whole group is chatting about one thing.

People come and go, as the sky darkens and Becky still hasn’t come back from her ‘deep meaningful conversation’ with Alfie, but your not worried because your with Shawn. It’s so easy to settle back into old patterns with him, playing and joking around as if it hasn’t been 2 years since you had drifted apart.

Soon the only thing illuminating the sky is the large bonfire at the end of the garden, and your tempted to go and sit beside it due to the cold. The drinks keep flowing and soon they start to get the better of people honesty coming in ways you didn’t expect.

“I wish we could go back to year 8” Shawn blurts, turning to face you, drawing the group’s attention, you nod along thinking that its just a general statement before he continues. “Not all these people…no offense” he mutters gesturing to the rest of the group. “Just us.”

“You’re drunk shawn” you laugh awkwardly at him, not entirely sure where this swift turn is headed.

“I mean it, i don’t know what i would have done without you, i wish we could be like that again” he says and your lips part as you rack your brain for a suitable response. “I know you think im only saying this cause im drunk but im not. I promise, in fact im more honest when im drunk”

The boy next to him, who happens to be one of his best friends decided to pipe up, “S’true, he’s told me this stuff before. He genuinely means it.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t talk about this now” you mutter patting his arm, “Maybe not when your drunk.”

“No” he insists, “Just listen, i miss talking to you so much, i remember i used to sit outside my room charging my phone so that i could talk to you all night” and you remember doing things like that too, pressing your back against the wall and texting him as quickly as your thumbs would allow and it was almost as if he was what was supporting you, not the wall. “I dont know who i would be without you, you gave me confidence and your the first person i’ve ever connected with, i wouldn’t be the person who i am today without you.”

You go to interrupt him but he just talks louder over you, words spilling from his mouth, tumbling over and over each other, but you know your never going to forget them, or the way they make you feel.

“You’re the person who made me think about anything, talking to you made me think deeper, especially about love. I wish i had tried harder to stop us drifting apart and if all the other boys would just shut up and give you chance they would realise what a cool girl you are.”

You’re gobsmacked that he’s rambling and all you really want to do is hug him, so you squeeze his arm gently and whisper “I miss you too. So so much.”

You can see becky walking towards you and expect that your time with Shawn will be over shortly, and he will forget about this in the morning, especially as Becky is in the spot of Shawn’s life that you were two years ago.

“I love it when you randomly message me about stupid things like problems because i know you trust me. I trust you too, more than anyone ive ever met.” At this point Becky is stood almost directly in front of you but shawn doesn’t seem to notice. “I miss talking to you all the time, you are and always will be the closest friend ive ever had. No one comes close.” You catch Becky’s eye and you know she heard him, a part of you feels terrible but the larger part of you is so overwhelmed by the thought of getting your best friend back that you dont realise the entire group of people you are with are glancing between you , Becky and Shawn.

You half expect Becky to throw something but she doesnt, instead she forces herself into the space between you telling you to “budge over” so she can sit with her two best friends. Your awkwardly shuffling over as far as you can without climbing into the guy next doors lap when shawn speaks again, sounding somewhat confused. “But im talking to Bailey?”

Your jaw practically drops off with shock and you shrug at her when she turns to glare at you, “Your drunk” she states, plopping herself down.

You barely notice when Shawn and his friend leave the group, your mind still reeling as you try to process all your emotions, it’s as if every feeling you have ever felt for him is rushing back to you, you cant help but wonder if it is possible to rekindle the friendship and you resolve to text him tomorrow.

One by one people head off to dance or mingle but you and bella stay put as she fills you in one the details of her chat with Alfie, recounting it sentence by sentence while you produce generic responses, hoping Shawn is coming back because you didn’t get to tell him how you felt, you didn’t want him to think it was all one sided, because it definitely wasn’t. All you wanted when you moved was to talk to him. To message him and be his best friend again. You would have given absolutely anything because he was home to you, everything you had ever wanted or needed, but he wasn’t yours anymore, he was Becky’s.

It’s not long before yet another boy comes and pulls becky off to ‘talk’ to her, and you shake your head, it was always like this at parties, she thought that they were just friends, but as soon as they get drunk there are misplaced kisses flying everywhere that Becky tries so hard to avoid. You wander around looking for India because you don’t feel like sitting alone in the dark.

“Bailey? That you?” You turn your head to the group of boys sat near the fire and quickly spot the one who called you over.

“Jacob?” you ask, squinting in the darkness, before he reaches for you, pulling you into a hug and spinning you round. You laugh breathlessly and start singing your signature song “You spin me right round… baby right round…”

The two of you had become friends during food tech class and formed a fast bond, you stopped him burning his cakes and he helped you out with DT projects. He had always been a cuddly person so you weren’t surprised when her slung his arm over your shoulder and rested his head on top of yours.

The two of you danced together abit before plopping on the floor chatting about all the things you had missed,you spotted shawn sat directly across from you and smiled quickly as he involved himself in the conversation easily. You decided that you would just wait with these guys until Becky was done and ready to leave, or until India came back to the world of the singletons.

Eventually it was just you and shawn again, but you weren’t sure how it had even happened, one moment you were talking to him and the next everyone else was gone. You nibbled on your lip debating whether or not now was a good time to talk about all the things he said earlier when he interrupted you.

Sit with me” he mumbles patting the space next to him, eyes bright as he searches blindly for yours in the darkness.

You laugh at him, head tilting upwards to catch his eye, because even sitting down he was so much taller than you. “I am sitting with you shawn.”

“No,” He mutters, brows furrowing in confusion as he looks at the spot next to him, “right here. Sit here. Closer to me.”

A blush creeps over your cheeks and you’re finally glad that it’s almost pitch black outside, you reach your hand out and brush over the grass in front of you. “Its prickly.” you giggle at him, feeling slightly drunk even though you hadn’t touched a drop of alcohol.

He swipes a large hand across the floor next to him. “S’not, it soft, softer than where you’re sat now.” You shake your head at him in amusement, “Bailey, sit here.” He pleads grabbing your hand in attempt to make you listen to him.

You glance down at his hand, wrapped around yours before relenting, “Fine.” you whisper scooting over to him, taking in his flushed cheeks and sparkling eyes, you settle yourself comfortably on the grass, “Alright?”

“Better” he sighs, shifting slightly so your knee is resting on his thigh, “I miss this” he mumbles, struggling with to keep his words clear with the amount of alcohol coursing through his veins, the truth is you’ve never been drunk telling people it was because you like to remember what happens in your life, tonight is the first time you’ve meant it. Moments like these are the things dreams are made of. “Us being close,” he continues, “just like old times, like history” he continues, “Remember?”

“Of course i remember Shawn” you mumble, leaning into his side.

(Continued)

#oh my god I've hit maximum letters apparently #like what? #I'll have to make a continued #hold on #shawn mendes fic #Shawn Mendes series #Shawn Mendes #Shawn #Mendes #imagine #shawn mendes imagine #shawn peter raul mendes #bittersweet series

[spin-me-a-tapestry]

85 question game

rules: answer these 85 statements and tag twenty people

tagged by @dasfreefree

the last

drink: water

phone call: a work call lol

text message: (to my friendo kelsey) “aahhhh omg i totally forgot lolol ill do it tonighy”

song you listened to: Do I Wanna Know? by The Arctic Monkeys

time you cried: *katya voice* i havent felt emotion since the accident (jk it was yesterday lolol)

dated someone twice: never lolol

kissed someone and regretted it: back in junior year of high school when i had to kiss someone on stage for the musical lolol

been cheated on: never

lost someone special: i guess when my grandma died which was 3 years ago now

been depressed: right now lololol

gotten drunk and thrown up: back in junior year of college i did a performance art piece for one of my classes where i filmed myself taking a shot of vodka roughly every minute for a half hour (i ended up consuming like 19 shots)

three favourite colours

baby blue

forest green

baby pink

in the last year have you

made new friends: hhmmmm idk??  ive def met new people

fallen out of love: idt ive ever been in love so uuhh no

laughed until you cried: prob this past weekend

found out someone was talking about you: idk im always paranoid about other people talking about me tho

met someone who changed you: not really

found out who your friends are: i guess??

kissed someone on your facebook list: nope

general

how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life? basically everyone

do you have any pets? yep! a kitty

do you want to change your name? not really, i cant really picture myself with any other name tbh

what did you do for your last birthday? my friend took me out to brickwall tavern and i had a really good chicken pot pie

what time did you wake up? for work i have to get up at like 6 or 6:30 but when im not working it depends on how late i stayed up the previous night lolol

what were you doing at midnight last night? sleeping

name something you can’t wait for: to move the fuck ooouuutttt and also to have enough money to go on a trip somewhere ive been dying to travel

when was the last time you saw your mum: last night cause uuhhh i live at home still :’)

what are you listening to right now? the sound of my own typing

have you ever talked to a person named tom? yeh!!  i was friends with a guy named tom in college and we had a lot of studio classes together but i havent talked to him in a while

something that is getting on your nerves: work related things

most visited website: its between tumblr youtube and facebook i kinda just check those three on an endless loop all the time

hair colour: blonde but im trying to grow the color out so my natural colors coming through (its like a light brown)

long or short hair: suuuuuuuper long i havent gotten a haircut in like a year

do you have a crush on someone? yeh sort of

what do you like about yourself? im smart and funny and actually have some common sense B) B) B)

piercings: just one on each ear

blood type: omg i used to know this and i forgot but i think im AB something

nickname: ernie B)

zodiac: capricorn

pronouns: she/her

favourite tv show(s): Rupauls Drag Race, Steven Universe, Legion, Chewing Gum, Bob’s Burgers, Louie, Black Mirror, Face Off

tattoos: none but i want one sooo baaaddd

right or left handed: left!

surgery: got my wisdom teeth removed and got a mole excised but thats it

sport: played basketball for 2 weeks in the 1st grade lololol

vacation: last time i went on a legit vacation was last year to Cape Cod with the fam

pair of trainers: sketchers B)

more general

eating: nothing right now but i just had a panera sandwich & chips & a cookie for lunch

drinking: water

i’m about to: avoid doing more work for the next like 10 minutes

waiting for: this day to be over so i can go home and sleep

want: to go to the beach again before summers over but the weathers been so crappy

get married: i honestly dont want to???  like if i settle down with someone and they wanna get married i would but if they didnt id be cool with that too

career: just trying to make money and pay my bills tbh i havent done what i actually enjoy doing (art) in months

which is better?

hugs or kisses: ive never been kissed before but i think id enjoy kisses more tbh

lips or eyes: waahhh this is a hard one!!!  uuhhhh eyes

shorter or taller: taller

older or younger: older or same age

nice arms or nice stomach: both please (but nice arms is always gud)

hookup or relationship: relationship!

troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant but its my secret fantasy to be a troublemaker rebel lil shit who doesnt care about anything and like has millions of piercings and a shaved head and wears leather jackets all the time u feel me

have you ever

kissed a stranger: nope!

drank hard liquor: thats literally all i drink lolol

lose glasses/contact lenses: i lost my glasses multiple times as a child my parents were not happy with me

turned someone down: yeah a few times and i honestly regret it but im such a nervous anxiety-ridden lil shit its a vicious cycle

sex on the first date: prob not i would get nervous just kissing someone on the first date

had your heart broken: oh yeah

been arrested: nope!  just pulled over a couple times

cried when someone died: yes

fallen for a friend: hehehehehehehehehehehehehe

do you believe in

yourself: recently not really but im trying

miracles: not really??  its nice to think that miracles do happen but im not spiritual/religious enough to fully believe in them

love at first sight: hell no its a lie

santa claus: i mean who else gives me sick presents certainly not my parents who eerily have the same exact handwriting as santa claus

kiss on the first date: never been kissed never kissed anyone so no

angels: idk about this one cause i like to think that somehow family members who have died are looking out for me???  but again my atheist ass finds it hard to believe

other

eye colour: green!

favourite movie: u cant ask me this do u know how many movies ive seen i cant even count all my fave movies on both my hands

idfk who else to tag cause all the people i know have already been tagged so if u see this and u follow me DO IT IF U HAVENT ALREADY DONE IT!!!!!!!

#personal #tag thingie

[conditionaljewel]

I started a long blog post that I got sidetracked on halfway through so I deleted it and am starting over.

This is a rant, and not like anyone’s gonna read it anyway but what the fuck ever it just means I can say what I need to and not have to worry about who sees it.

I am a person with a mental health problem. Probably a few, but definitely one. As such, I have needs that I make myself stay focused on that helps me deal with everything that causes me distress, anxiety, etc. This is one of the reasons why I smoke weed.

When I don’t have any weed, when I haven’t smoked, I don’t like the person I am. While my mind is a little more clear and I’m more focused on some things (not all things, though), I am way more irritable, easily agitated, very moody, amongst other things. When I smoke, I’m calm, I’m mellow, less aggressive and loud, and I just feel more balanced out. It helps me so much, so needless to say, whenever I’m out, I’m a monster. I have been much of the past few days.

It so happens that the past few days have also been days that I’ve had to work. Without going into detail, I hate my job anymore, I constantly am on the brink of tearing people a new one there with my thoughts and opinions on how the store is run and operated, and I’ve made it abundantly clear on several occasions that I am very easily overwhelmed and agitated when I’m not getting the help from my coworkers that is expected, all the while there’s no hesitation for others seeking help to receive it. And that’s without me saying anything about the appreciation — or lack thereof — that goes on within the store.

To that end, customers are no better, between expecting the world in exchange for nothing, and treating retail employees like garbage. Demanding, snarky, uptight, know-it-alls, they’re just as awful to deal with as the customers who are downright fucking stupid and just dont pay attention, don’t listen, don’t perceive. They’re just greedy, stuck-up fucks who have no regard for anyone else.

I can’t work with people anymore. Like any people. All people. I’m sick and tired of the attitude and mindset that working in retail has created and generated, especially around the holiday season. I’m fed up with the lack of respect and decency amongst society in general, and especially tired as fuck with the incompetence of others that directly impacts my livelihood and well-being.

I have to get a new job. But what’s a girl to do when all she’s worked is retail (with the exception of 17 months in a hospital setting as a medical “professional.”) I can’t, won’t, and don’t want to do retail anymore, ever again. But what other jobs are there that you can get without a degree that isn’t retail or food service that doesn’t involve heavy customer interaction? Like yeah i can go answer phones somewhere but that’s still people.

I don’t. Like. People.

So what’s left? Riddle me that.

But that isn’t where it ends, no no. For someone who is so hard up to make friends and meet new folks, I really do have a problem with people. I’ve spent many nights wondering what the fuck is my problem that people don’t want to have anything to do with me? What pushes people away? What the fuck is it? (Besides me bitching about people, obviously).

I try so hard to make an impact on people, make a positive vibe that radiates outward and attracts others, but no one’s ever fucking interested in anything more than hello. Do you know how disheartening that is? In the past three years, honestly, I think I’ve made two honest to god actual friends, and neither of them live near me. Hell, I have ONE friend who lives within 25 miles of me, and I hardly ever get to see her.

Even as a child, trying to make friends and meet new people was never easy for me. Somehow everyone else always had an easier time than I did, and no one ever stuck by my side. So naturally, it’s difficult for me to now, but when you’re 28 years old, it’s just deflating. You shouldn’t be MAKING FRIENDS at fuckin 28 years old, you should be going out for drinks and happy hour after work with your friends that you’ve had for years once a month or some shit. I’m lucky if I go to a restaurant by myself sometimes.

Not making friends has obviously left me fucked up. Lacking friends, I’ve not had chances to learn and take hints from social cues, I’ve not been in many situations that a lot of other folks have been in by my age. Whereas many people my age are settling down, getting married, have great jobs ... i’m living with my parents working a dead end part time job because my depression, anxiety, and other mental health problems keep me from trying to better anything for myself because they’re actively making things WORSE for me.

I know I’m not the greatest looking girl — or guy, if you even wanna play that card — and sure that’s probably a factor because why the fuck wouldn’t it be, but even people I’ve met online that I’ve tried to befriend in the past are like “lol moving on” and just ghost and disappear. Like honestly, what the fuck is it about me that pushes people away? I’d LOVE to know.

Sigh.

I don’t ever directly say this or suggest it, but sometimes I wonder what the fuck my whole purpose in this life is, because honestly I’m so sick of life — my life — that I’d really rather just die. Cease to exist. Honestly. I. Hate. My. Life. What am I doing with it? Ive fucked everything up for the past 28 and a half years, done everything backwards and wrong and stupidly, and I don’t have much hope for myself because everything seems so daunting and overwhelming.

I don’t want to work, I don’t want to have to look for a new job, I hate the ideals and statuses that society has created that’s led to the position the world is in right now on so many facets of life. Cuz then I look around and see all these people doing shit that just makes no sense, seems counterproductive, and ... they’re thriving???? Why? How?

I’m not trying to sound like “I never asked to be born” or “I want others to take care of everything for me,” but where is the option for people who don’t want to work and would rather do something else with their life? What can I do that’ll get me this bullshit currency thats so important to survive and thrive that doesn’t involve other people?

Sigh. I’m done. I can’t type anymore. I’m just so defeated.

[adambstingus]

6 Guys Youll End Up Dating When Youve Been Single For Too Long

I’m writing this post from my bed.

I’m un-showered, even though I came home from CrossFit three hours ago.

I’m slugging back red wine and crushing a party size-serving of chips and salsa.

I turned my phone on silent an hour ago, just so I would stop checking to see if the guy I like has responded to the text I sent earlier.

Needless to say, I dont think you get much more single than this.

There are nights when I rejoice in it, and there are nights when I sulk in it.

Tonight, its the latter.

But as I sit here, elbow-deep in a bag of Tostitos and knuckles clenched around a topped-off glass of wine, I cant help but be grateful for this single life Ive been living for almost a year now.

Its an unexpected and for me unwanted learning experience.

I say its “unwanted” because Im the relationship type.

Ive never had a one-night stand (nor will I ever).

I like commitment.

Dating gives me anxiety because I never know what to say or do.

Should I text him first? Will he text me?

Whats the right emoji to use? Should I even use an emoji?

Let me screenshot this and send it to all my friends to see if its okay.

What should I wear?

Unwanted or not, Im on one hell of a self-learning curve.

I think its so important for every woman to have this bittersweet journey, especially in her20s.

Im learning when to keep my guard up and when to let it come crashing down.

Im learning how to be patient.

I’m learning what I like and what I dont.

Im learning so much about myself because Im finding time for myself.

Im trying new things.

I’ve joined CrossFit and hot yoga, and I quit some unhealthy habits that were crippling my self-esteem.

Ive tried tons of new restaurants completely free, thanks to first dates.

But besides learning about myself, Im learning a lot about the dating pool.

Let me tell you this: When they say there are plenty of fish in the sea, it’s true.

But the ones you want to catch are really, really hard to find. They’re borderline nonexistent.

Ive met tons of guys ranging in age, profession, personality, height, hobbies, etc.

However, after dozens and dozens of dates and hundreds of right swipes that have amounted to nothing, Ive been able to put a label on just about every single one.

Ive boiled them down to six main categories:

1. The Ex

When one relationship ends, its so easy to look back at a previous ex and question why that relationship didnt work out either.

Call it delusion or curiosity, but it always seems like a logical first step when youre single.

So, if youre both single, why not give it another whirl?

Its comfortable. Its fun.

Its your opportunity to double-check hes really not the one who got away.

When my high school sweetheart found out that my recent ex and I had ended things, he came back into my life the same way he left it: like a tornado, leaving a path of destruction in his wake.

Without getting into details for his sake (and his girlfriends, whoops), the verdict was we broke up for a reason.

Thats always a validating feeling.

In the words of my inner spirit animal, Taylor Swift, we are never, ever getting back together. Like, ever.

But hey, like I said, it cant hurt to double check.

2. The Non-Committal Charmer

Hell tell you youre exclusive, but he won’t ever make you his girlfriend.

He’ll monopolize your free time to ensure you dont spend time with anyone else, but he wont commit.

Youll never meet his friends or family, so dont even try.

He is in complete control of the relationship because you let him be.

His charm, wit and personality compel you to stay.

His goal is to perpetually keep your relationship in a hostage situation.

You want to see other people, but you dont want to put what you have at risk because its comfortable and fun.

Youre convinced that at some point, hell come to his senses.

He wont.

So, youre going to want to quit while you’re ahead. Dont waste any time.

3. The Egotistical PrickWho Plays On Your Heartstrings

Is it rough to call these people sociopaths?

Theyll do everything they can to make you like them in a short period of time.

Theyll cook you your favorite dinner, buy you nice wine and compliment you on the weird things you wish people would notice.

They make it so easy to let your guard down.

Then, one day, theyll just stop talking to you.

Theyll give you some bullsh*t excuse like theyre just “not ready for a relationship right now, or they really like you, and “it scares” them.

No, you just needed an ego trip. Or, you needed to get laid.

Or both.Whatever.

These types of guys are the reason all women are a little hesitant, confused, broken and yes crazy.

There are plenty of them out there.

4. The Former Frat Guy Who Just Cant Let Go Of College

In my opinion, these guys are the absolute worst.

This is mainly because they dont even realize theyre being the absolute worst. The naivety isnt at all charming.

He doesnt have to be a frat guy. Hes just the guy who loves college.

He cant grow up.

He loves his boys and beer pong more than he loves his job. He knows more about chugging beers than investing in a 401(k).

He has no idea how to start or maintain a conversation. His career path is questionable.

He most likely has the life goal of being a stay-at-home dad.

Thats what she said jokes are far too common, and he finds them far too funny.

While I personally havent gone on a single date with one of these guys, they exist in the masses.

So good luck, female young professionalsof America who thought men matured after college.

AsI say to my dad, “Im looking for the smartest idiot over 25.”

5. The One Youre Just Not That Into

These, for me, are the most common.

Then again, I think they’re common for everyone.

If we were into every person we met, there wouldnt be anyone special, right?

But sometimes, you really want to like someone.

He hasa great job. You love hisfriends and family. He’s funny.

You have everything in common. You can text all day and never run out of things to talk about.

Your Snapchat exchanges keep you laughing all day long.

He’s proud of you. He cares about you.

Youre even a perfect match (according to the stars).

But, you just arent into this person, no matter how hard you try to be.

While relationships take effort, you should never force yourself to fall for someone because you think you’d be great together.

It’s a recipe for disaster and heartbreak, and that’s one sad situationI won’t ever willingly walk into.

So when you find yourself in this kind of mess, you have to break the ice.

It’s unfair to string the other person along when he’s clearly feeling all the emotions you wish you could.

When you’re dating someone youre not into, but whom you love as a human being, breaking the ice is a double-edged sword.

You both end up hurt and bummed.

6.The One

Every person I talk to tells me the one will walk into my life when I least expect it.

It wont be because I spent my entire lunch break swiping left and right (mostly left).

It wont be because I asked my co-workers, friends, family and acquaintances if they know someone else whos completely exhausted by the routine dating scene.

It certainly wont be because I got drunk enough to get the nerve to walk up to a guy and strike up a random conversation.

No way, not me.

Im told Ill meet someone in a sweet form of serendipity.

Ill accidentally spill my coffee on him at Starbucks.

Well bond over the fresh produce at Trader Joes.

Well be at the same bar for happy hour.

Something will happen.

When that something does, in fact, happen, all those heartbreaks, mistakes, moments of weakness and feelings of guilt will wash away.

You won’t question whether your guard should be up or down. What or when to text won’t be a thought.

Everything will slip into place.

Because as everyone always says, “When you know, you know.”

So until then, my advice to every single woman out there is this: Be a lady.

Be fearless, but not careless.

Be willing to love and unafraid to get hurt.

Put yourself out there. Learn to love yourself.

Discover hobbies that fill your time.

But this is the most important piece of advice of all: Never ever settle for any of the five who come before “the one.”

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/09/27/6-guys-youll-end-up-dating-when-youve-been-single-for-too-long/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/165810005762

[samanthasroberts]

6 Guys Youll End Up Dating When Youve Been Single For Too Long

I’m writing this post from my bed.

I’m un-showered, even though I came home from CrossFit three hours ago.

I’m slugging back red wine and crushing a party size-serving of chips and salsa.

I turned my phone on silent an hour ago, just so I would stop checking to see if the guy I like has responded to the text I sent earlier.

Needless to say, I dont think you get much more single than this.

There are nights when I rejoice in it, and there are nights when I sulk in it.

Tonight, its the latter.

But as I sit here, elbow-deep in a bag of Tostitos and knuckles clenched around a topped-off glass of wine, I cant help but be grateful for this single life Ive been living for almost a year now.

Its an unexpected and for me unwanted learning experience.

I say its “unwanted” because Im the relationship type.

Ive never had a one-night stand (nor will I ever).

I like commitment.

Dating gives me anxiety because I never know what to say or do.

Should I text him first? Will he text me?

Whats the right emoji to use? Should I even use an emoji?

Let me screenshot this and send it to all my friends to see if its okay.

What should I wear?

Unwanted or not, Im on one hell of a self-learning curve.

I think its so important for every woman to have this bittersweet journey, especially in her20s.

Im learning when to keep my guard up and when to let it come crashing down.

Im learning how to be patient.

I’m learning what I like and what I dont.

Im learning so much about myself because Im finding time for myself.

Im trying new things.

I’ve joined CrossFit and hot yoga, and I quit some unhealthy habits that were crippling my self-esteem.

Ive tried tons of new restaurants completely free, thanks to first dates.

But besides learning about myself, Im learning a lot about the dating pool.

Let me tell you this: When they say there are plenty of fish in the sea, it’s true.

But the ones you want to catch are really, really hard to find. They’re borderline nonexistent.

Ive met tons of guys ranging in age, profession, personality, height, hobbies, etc.

However, after dozens and dozens of dates and hundreds of right swipes that have amounted to nothing, Ive been able to put a label on just about every single one.

Ive boiled them down to six main categories:

1. The Ex

When one relationship ends, its so easy to look back at a previous ex and question why that relationship didnt work out either.

Call it delusion or curiosity, but it always seems like a logical first step when youre single.

So, if youre both single, why not give it another whirl?

Its comfortable. Its fun.

Its your opportunity to double-check hes really not the one who got away.

When my high school sweetheart found out that my recent ex and I had ended things, he came back into my life the same way he left it: like a tornado, leaving a path of destruction in his wake.

Without getting into details for his sake (and his girlfriends, whoops), the verdict was we broke up for a reason.

Thats always a validating feeling.

In the words of my inner spirit animal, Taylor Swift, we are never, ever getting back together. Like, ever.

But hey, like I said, it cant hurt to double check.

2. The Non-Committal Charmer

Hell tell you youre exclusive, but he won’t ever make you his girlfriend.

He’ll monopolize your free time to ensure you dont spend time with anyone else, but he wont commit.

Youll never meet his friends or family, so dont even try.

He is in complete control of the relationship because you let him be.

His charm, wit and personality compel you to stay.

His goal is to perpetually keep your relationship in a hostage situation.

You want to see other people, but you dont want to put what you have at risk because its comfortable and fun.

Youre convinced that at some point, hell come to his senses.

He wont.

So, youre going to want to quit while you’re ahead. Dont waste any time.

3. The Egotistical PrickWho Plays On Your Heartstrings

Is it rough to call these people sociopaths?

Theyll do everything they can to make you like them in a short period of time.

Theyll cook you your favorite dinner, buy you nice wine and compliment you on the weird things you wish people would notice.

They make it so easy to let your guard down.

Then, one day, theyll just stop talking to you.

Theyll give you some bullsh*t excuse like theyre just “not ready for a relationship right now, or they really like you, and “it scares” them.

No, you just needed an ego trip. Or, you needed to get laid.

Or both.Whatever.

These types of guys are the reason all women are a little hesitant, confused, broken and yes crazy.

There are plenty of them out there.

4. The Former Frat Guy Who Just Cant Let Go Of College

In my opinion, these guys are the absolute worst.

This is mainly because they dont even realize theyre being the absolute worst. The naivety isnt at all charming.

He doesnt have to be a frat guy. Hes just the guy who loves college.

He cant grow up.

He loves his boys and beer pong more than he loves his job. He knows more about chugging beers than investing in a 401(k).

He has no idea how to start or maintain a conversation. His career path is questionable.

He most likely has the life goal of being a stay-at-home dad.

Thats what she said jokes are far too common, and he finds them far too funny.

While I personally havent gone on a single date with one of these guys, they exist in the masses.

So good luck, female young professionalsof America who thought men matured after college.

AsI say to my dad, “Im looking for the smartest idiot over 25.”

5. The One Youre Just Not That Into

These, for me, are the most common.

Then again, I think they’re common for everyone.

If we were into every person we met, there wouldnt be anyone special, right?

But sometimes, you really want to like someone.

He hasa great job. You love hisfriends and family. He’s funny.

You have everything in common. You can text all day and never run out of things to talk about.

Your Snapchat exchanges keep you laughing all day long.

He’s proud of you. He cares about you.

Youre even a perfect match (according to the stars).

But, you just arent into this person, no matter how hard you try to be.

While relationships take effort, you should never force yourself to fall for someone because you think you’d be great together.

It’s a recipe for disaster and heartbreak, and that’s one sad situationI won’t ever willingly walk into.

So when you find yourself in this kind of mess, you have to break the ice.

It’s unfair to string the other person along when he’s clearly feeling all the emotions you wish you could.

When you’re dating someone youre not into, but whom you love as a human being, breaking the ice is a double-edged sword.

You both end up hurt and bummed.

6.The One

Every person I talk to tells me the one will walk into my life when I least expect it.

It wont be because I spent my entire lunch break swiping left and right (mostly left).

It wont be because I asked my co-workers, friends, family and acquaintances if they know someone else whos completely exhausted by the routine dating scene.

It certainly wont be because I got drunk enough to get the nerve to walk up to a guy and strike up a random conversation.

No way, not me.

Im told Ill meet someone in a sweet form of serendipity.

Ill accidentally spill my coffee on him at Starbucks.

Well bond over the fresh produce at Trader Joes.

Well be at the same bar for happy hour.

Something will happen.

When that something does, in fact, happen, all those heartbreaks, mistakes, moments of weakness and feelings of guilt will wash away.

You won’t question whether your guard should be up or down. What or when to text won’t be a thought.

Everything will slip into place.

Because as everyone always says, “When you know, you know.”

So until then, my advice to every single woman out there is this: Be a lady.

Be fearless, but not careless.

Be willing to love and unafraid to get hurt.

Put yourself out there. Learn to love yourself.

Discover hobbies that fill your time.

But this is the most important piece of advice of all: Never ever settle for any of the five who come before “the one.”

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/09/27/6-guys-youll-end-up-dating-when-youve-been-single-for-too-long/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/09/27/6-guys-youll-end-up-dating-when-youve-been-single-for-too-long/

[jimdsmith34]

6 Guys Youll End Up Dating When Youve Been Single For Too Long

I’m writing this post from my bed.

I’m un-showered, even though I came home from CrossFit three hours ago.

I’m slugging back red wine and crushing a party size-serving of chips and salsa.

I turned my phone on silent an hour ago, just so I would stop checking to see if the guy I like has responded to the text I sent earlier.

Needless to say, I dont think you get much more single than this.

There are nights when I rejoice in it, and there are nights when I sulk in it.

Tonight, its the latter.

But as I sit here, elbow-deep in a bag of Tostitos and knuckles clenched around a topped-off glass of wine, I cant help but be grateful for this single life Ive been living for almost a year now.

Its an unexpected and for me unwanted learning experience.

I say its “unwanted” because Im the relationship type.

Ive never had a one-night stand (nor will I ever).

I like commitment.

Dating gives me anxiety because I never know what to say or do.

Should I text him first? Will he text me?

Whats the right emoji to use? Should I even use an emoji?

Let me screenshot this and send it to all my friends to see if its okay.

What should I wear?

Unwanted or not, Im on one hell of a self-learning curve.

I think its so important for every woman to have this bittersweet journey, especially in her20s.

Im learning when to keep my guard up and when to let it come crashing down.

Im learning how to be patient.

I’m learning what I like and what I dont.

Im learning so much about myself because Im finding time for myself.

Im trying new things.

I’ve joined CrossFit and hot yoga, and I quit some unhealthy habits that were crippling my self-esteem.

Ive tried tons of new restaurants completely free, thanks to first dates.

But besides learning about myself, Im learning a lot about the dating pool.

Let me tell you this: When they say there are plenty of fish in the sea, it’s true.

But the ones you want to catch are really, really hard to find. They’re borderline nonexistent.

Ive met tons of guys ranging in age, profession, personality, height, hobbies, etc.

However, after dozens and dozens of dates and hundreds of right swipes that have amounted to nothing, Ive been able to put a label on just about every single one.

Ive boiled them down to six main categories:

1. The Ex

When one relationship ends, its so easy to look back at a previous ex and question why that relationship didnt work out either.

Call it delusion or curiosity, but it always seems like a logical first step when youre single.

So, if youre both single, why not give it another whirl?

Its comfortable. Its fun.

Its your opportunity to double-check hes really not the one who got away.

When my high school sweetheart found out that my recent ex and I had ended things, he came back into my life the same way he left it: like a tornado, leaving a path of destruction in his wake.

Without getting into details for his sake (and his girlfriends, whoops), the verdict was we broke up for a reason.

Thats always a validating feeling.

In the words of my inner spirit animal, Taylor Swift, we are never, ever getting back together. Like, ever.

But hey, like I said, it cant hurt to double check.

2. The Non-Committal Charmer

Hell tell you youre exclusive, but he won’t ever make you his girlfriend.

He’ll monopolize your free time to ensure you dont spend time with anyone else, but he wont commit.

Youll never meet his friends or family, so dont even try.

He is in complete control of the relationship because you let him be.

His charm, wit and personality compel you to stay.

His goal is to perpetually keep your relationship in a hostage situation.

You want to see other people, but you dont want to put what you have at risk because its comfortable and fun.

Youre convinced that at some point, hell come to his senses.

He wont.

So, youre going to want to quit while you’re ahead. Dont waste any time.

3. The Egotistical PrickWho Plays On Your Heartstrings

Is it rough to call these people sociopaths?

Theyll do everything they can to make you like them in a short period of time.

Theyll cook you your favorite dinner, buy you nice wine and compliment you on the weird things you wish people would notice.

They make it so easy to let your guard down.

Then, one day, theyll just stop talking to you.

Theyll give you some bullsh*t excuse like theyre just “not ready for a relationship right now, or they really like you, and “it scares” them.

No, you just needed an ego trip. Or, you needed to get laid.

Or both.Whatever.

These types of guys are the reason all women are a little hesitant, confused, broken and yes crazy.

There are plenty of them out there.

4. The Former Frat Guy Who Just Cant Let Go Of College

In my opinion, these guys are the absolute worst.

This is mainly because they dont even realize theyre being the absolute worst. The naivety isnt at all charming.

He doesnt have to be a frat guy. Hes just the guy who loves college.

He cant grow up.

He loves his boys and beer pong more than he loves his job. He knows more about chugging beers than investing in a 401(k).

He has no idea how to start or maintain a conversation. His career path is questionable.

He most likely has the life goal of being a stay-at-home dad.

Thats what she said jokes are far too common, and he finds them far too funny.

While I personally havent gone on a single date with one of these guys, they exist in the masses.

So good luck, female young professionalsof America who thought men matured after college.

AsI say to my dad, “Im looking for the smartest idiot over 25.”

5. The One Youre Just Not That Into

These, for me, are the most common.

Then again, I think they’re common for everyone.

If we were into every person we met, there wouldnt be anyone special, right?

But sometimes, you really want to like someone.

He hasa great job. You love hisfriends and family. He’s funny.

You have everything in common. You can text all day and never run out of things to talk about.

Your Snapchat exchanges keep you laughing all day long.

He’s proud of you. He cares about you.

Youre even a perfect match (according to the stars).

But, you just arent into this person, no matter how hard you try to be.

While relationships take effort, you should never force yourself to fall for someone because you think you’d be great together.

It’s a recipe for disaster and heartbreak, and that’s one sad situationI won’t ever willingly walk into.

So when you find yourself in this kind of mess, you have to break the ice.

It’s unfair to string the other person along when he’s clearly feeling all the emotions you wish you could.

When you’re dating someone youre not into, but whom you love as a human being, breaking the ice is a double-edged sword.

You both end up hurt and bummed.

6.The One

Every person I talk to tells me the one will walk into my life when I least expect it.

It wont be because I spent my entire lunch break swiping left and right (mostly left).

It wont be because I asked my co-workers, friends, family and acquaintances if they know someone else whos completely exhausted by the routine dating scene.

It certainly wont be because I got drunk enough to get the nerve to walk up to a guy and strike up a random conversation.

No way, not me.

Im told Ill meet someone in a sweet form of serendipity.

Ill accidentally spill my coffee on him at Starbucks.

Well bond over the fresh produce at Trader Joes.

Well be at the same bar for happy hour.

Something will happen.

When that something does, in fact, happen, all those heartbreaks, mistakes, moments of weakness and feelings of guilt will wash away.

You won’t question whether your guard should be up or down. What or when to text won’t be a thought.

Everything will slip into place.

Because as everyone always says, “When you know, you know.”

So until then, my advice to every single woman out there is this: Be a lady.

Be fearless, but not careless.

Be willing to love and unafraid to get hurt.

Put yourself out there. Learn to love yourself.

Discover hobbies that fill your time.

But this is the most important piece of advice of all: Never ever settle for any of the five who come before “the one.”

source http://allofbeer.com/2017/09/27/6-guys-youll-end-up-dating-when-youve-been-single-for-too-long/ from All of Beer http://allofbeer.blogspot.com/2017/09/6-guys-youll-end-up-dating-when-youve.html

[allofbeercom]

6 Guys Youll End Up Dating When Youve Been Single For Too Long

I’m writing this post from my bed.

I’m un-showered, even though I came home from CrossFit three hours ago.

I’m slugging back red wine and crushing a party size-serving of chips and salsa.

I turned my phone on silent an hour ago, just so I would stop checking to see if the guy I like has responded to the text I sent earlier.

Needless to say, I dont think you get much more single than this.

There are nights when I rejoice in it, and there are nights when I sulk in it.

Tonight, its the latter.

But as I sit here, elbow-deep in a bag of Tostitos and knuckles clenched around a topped-off glass of wine, I cant help but be grateful for this single life Ive been living for almost a year now.

Its an unexpected and for me unwanted learning experience.

I say its “unwanted” because Im the relationship type.

Ive never had a one-night stand (nor will I ever).

I like commitment.

Dating gives me anxiety because I never know what to say or do.

Should I text him first? Will he text me?

Whats the right emoji to use? Should I even use an emoji?

Let me screenshot this and send it to all my friends to see if its okay.

What should I wear?

Unwanted or not, Im on one hell of a self-learning curve.

I think its so important for every woman to have this bittersweet journey, especially in her20s.

Im learning when to keep my guard up and when to let it come crashing down.

Im learning how to be patient.

I’m learning what I like and what I dont.

Im learning so much about myself because Im finding time for myself.

Im trying new things.

I’ve joined CrossFit and hot yoga, and I quit some unhealthy habits that were crippling my self-esteem.

Ive tried tons of new restaurants completely free, thanks to first dates.

But besides learning about myself, Im learning a lot about the dating pool.

Let me tell you this: When they say there are plenty of fish in the sea, it’s true.

But the ones you want to catch are really, really hard to find. They’re borderline nonexistent.

Ive met tons of guys ranging in age, profession, personality, height, hobbies, etc.

However, after dozens and dozens of dates and hundreds of right swipes that have amounted to nothing, Ive been able to put a label on just about every single one.

Ive boiled them down to six main categories:

1. The Ex

When one relationship ends, its so easy to look back at a previous ex and question why that relationship didnt work out either.

Call it delusion or curiosity, but it always seems like a logical first step when youre single.

So, if youre both single, why not give it another whirl?

Its comfortable. Its fun.

Its your opportunity to double-check hes really not the one who got away.

When my high school sweetheart found out that my recent ex and I had ended things, he came back into my life the same way he left it: like a tornado, leaving a path of destruction in his wake.

Without getting into details for his sake (and his girlfriends, whoops), the verdict was we broke up for a reason.

Thats always a validating feeling.

In the words of my inner spirit animal, Taylor Swift, we are never, ever getting back together. Like, ever.

But hey, like I said, it cant hurt to double check.

2. The Non-Committal Charmer

Hell tell you youre exclusive, but he won’t ever make you his girlfriend.

He’ll monopolize your free time to ensure you dont spend time with anyone else, but he wont commit.

Youll never meet his friends or family, so dont even try.

He is in complete control of the relationship because you let him be.

His charm, wit and personality compel you to stay.

His goal is to perpetually keep your relationship in a hostage situation.

You want to see other people, but you dont want to put what you have at risk because its comfortable and fun.

Youre convinced that at some point, hell come to his senses.

He wont.

So, youre going to want to quit while you’re ahead. Dont waste any time.

3. The Egotistical PrickWho Plays On Your Heartstrings

Is it rough to call these people sociopaths?

Theyll do everything they can to make you like them in a short period of time.

Theyll cook you your favorite dinner, buy you nice wine and compliment you on the weird things you wish people would notice.

They make it so easy to let your guard down.

Then, one day, theyll just stop talking to you.

Theyll give you some bullsh*t excuse like theyre just “not ready for a relationship right now, or they really like you, and “it scares” them.

No, you just needed an ego trip. Or, you needed to get laid.

Or both.Whatever.

These types of guys are the reason all women are a little hesitant, confused, broken and yes crazy.

There are plenty of them out there.

4. The Former Frat Guy Who Just Cant Let Go Of College

In my opinion, these guys are the absolute worst.

This is mainly because they dont even realize theyre being the absolute worst. The naivety isnt at all charming.

He doesnt have to be a frat guy. Hes just the guy who loves college.

He cant grow up.

He loves his boys and beer pong more than he loves his job. He knows more about chugging beers than investing in a 401(k).

He has no idea how to start or maintain a conversation. His career path is questionable.

He most likely has the life goal of being a stay-at-home dad.

Thats what she said jokes are far too common, and he finds them far too funny.

While I personally havent gone on a single date with one of these guys, they exist in the masses.

So good luck, female young professionalsof America who thought men matured after college.

AsI say to my dad, “Im looking for the smartest idiot over 25.”

5. The One Youre Just Not That Into

These, for me, are the most common.

Then again, I think they’re common for everyone.

If we were into every person we met, there wouldnt be anyone special, right?

But sometimes, you really want to like someone.

He hasa great job. You love hisfriends and family. He’s funny.

You have everything in common. You can text all day and never run out of things to talk about.

Your Snapchat exchanges keep you laughing all day long.

He’s proud of you. He cares about you.

Youre even a perfect match (according to the stars).

But, you just arent into this person, no matter how hard you try to be.

While relationships take effort, you should never force yourself to fall for someone because you think you’d be great together.

It’s a recipe for disaster and heartbreak, and that’s one sad situationI won’t ever willingly walk into.

So when you find yourself in this kind of mess, you have to break the ice.

It’s unfair to string the other person along when he’s clearly feeling all the emotions you wish you could.

When you’re dating someone youre not into, but whom you love as a human being, breaking the ice is a double-edged sword.

You both end up hurt and bummed.

6.The One

Every person I talk to tells me the one will walk into my life when I least expect it.

It wont be because I spent my entire lunch break swiping left and right (mostly left).

It wont be because I asked my co-workers, friends, family and acquaintances if they know someone else whos completely exhausted by the routine dating scene.

It certainly wont be because I got drunk enough to get the nerve to walk up to a guy and strike up a random conversation.

No way, not me.

Im told Ill meet someone in a sweet form of serendipity.

Ill accidentally spill my coffee on him at Starbucks.

Well bond over the fresh produce at Trader Joes.

Well be at the same bar for happy hour.

Something will happen.

When that something does, in fact, happen, all those heartbreaks, mistakes, moments of weakness and feelings of guilt will wash away.

You won’t question whether your guard should be up or down. What or when to text won’t be a thought.

Everything will slip into place.

Because as everyone always says, “When you know, you know.”

So until then, my advice to every single woman out there is this: Be a lady.

Be fearless, but not careless.

Be willing to love and unafraid to get hurt.

Put yourself out there. Learn to love yourself.

Discover hobbies that fill your time.

But this is the most important piece of advice of all: Never ever settle for any of the five who come before “the one.”

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/09/27/6-guys-youll-end-up-dating-when-youve-been-single-for-too-long/

[viralhottopics]

Not so haute: six writers on their biggest fashion mistakes

From tights on the beach to head-to-toe taffeta, writers reveal the outfits they regret

Kenya Hunt My version of day-to-night dressing was a night-time look worn all day

Despite working at a fashion magazine, Ive made a few sartorial mistakes. I comfort myself with the sentiment of an Instagram edict I saw: If youve never looked a little dumb, youre not having fun.

Id count the moment I met my husband as an off day, so it pains me no end that the clothes I wore have become a part of our marital lore. In his mind, the outfit is key to a story that must be retold, again and again: She wore a shiny shirt, tight jeans, big, gold hoop earrings, tall boots and a giant white furry jacket. And I said, I need to know this woman.

This visual loudness the metallics, the big proportions, the shaggy texture was my everyday look back in my late 20s, when I was living and working in New York. I dressed this way to please no one other than myself. I relished being able finally to buy and wear the labels I read about in magazines, but could never find in my suburban childhood home in Virginia.

My version of day-to-night dressing was basically a night-time look worn all day ready for whatever fun might happen later. Id think nothing of a morning commute in glittery Miu Miu heels or a gold Chlo sequin skirt. (To be fair, it was the era of high heels, flashy coats and skirts that were either very big and long, or very short.) No matter what the prevailing trend, Ive always had a soft spot for the razzle. For further proof, see this old image of me in Milan, in bright colour and print, layered on top of more colour and print.

Now, my wardrobe stands on a foundation of grey, navy and black, mostly because it suits my lifestyle and the London weather. I limit the flamboyance to my accessories (a bright shoe, big earring, bold handbag) or show it through shape, such as an enormous puffer jacket. Its just that now I choose pragmatic black rather than hot pink.

Theres a real joy that comes with loud dressing, because it requires a certain kind of go-to-hell spirit. Ive come to indulge this in a more restrained way, but I dont regret the mistakes. If I did, Id have divorced my husband a long time ago, for telling that story so very, very often.

Kenya Hunt is fashion features director of Elle.

Ruth Lewy: To think that this was my coolest look

Ruth Lewy, aged 20, with Dizzee Rascal.

It was May 2006 and I was coming to the end of my first year of university. I had just received my first proper student journalism commission: an interview with Dizzee Rascal. I borrowed a Dictaphone and hastily scrawled down three pages of uninventive questions (What is the best thing youve ever got for free?).

Now the important bit: my look. I loved Dizzee; I knew his two albums back to front and had mastered all the words to Fix Up, Look Sharp. What was I going to wear?

To think, looking back, that this was my very best outfit. My coolest look. Not one floral print top but two, a T-shirt layered over a shirt. Not one necklace, but two. (Made with beads collected while InterRailing around Europe. I know.) My curly hair was slicked back with Brylcreem. Off I went, looking like Laura Ashleys long-lost daughter.

He was courteous, holding eye contact and answering all my inane questions with grace. (The best thing he ever got for free? A lifetimes supply of trainers.) I stood up and shook his hand, and he invited me to his afterparty. The next student journalist sat down and went straight in with a question about homophobic lyrics and issues of representation in pop music, and I thought, Ohhhh, thats what journalism is.

The evening took a strange turn. My friends and I crowded into a bar on the high street, where Dizzee had a roped-off section at the back. It didnt take him long to zone in on my gorgeous friend L, persuading her to leave with him. We were agog.

Twenty minutes later, she was back, laughing her head off at the way he had clumsily propositioned her. She chose us over him.

What do I see when I look at this picture? I feel embarrassed at my choices. But Im also glad I spent my 20s dressing like a weirdo: it demonstrates a self-confidence that I dont think I appreciated at the time. These days, you could still file most of my clothes under eclectic, but Im much more careful, uninventive even. Now I tend to wear only one necklace at a time.

My interview never appeared in the end; the other journalist broke the embargo (she went on to write for the Daily Mail: go figure). I was left with only this blurry picture, a reminder of my youthful enthusiasm for floral prints, and an uncanny impression of Dizzee Rascals best chat-up line.

Ruth Lewy is assistant editor of Guardian Weekend.

Nosheen Iqbal: Everyone else on the beach was 89% naked

Nosheen Iqbal in Tuscany, aged 21.

I was a skittish 21-year-old in the mid noughties and I had, against my will, ended up on a Tuscan beach. It was the height of summer, but I was wearing thick black tights, thicker black skirt, black scarf and witchy pumps . Everyone else was dressed in 89% naked and the entire beach was rammed. Id been sent on a work trip with four other journalists who were, as far as I was concerned, super-old (fortysomething) and, I hoped, probably willing to buy my stubborn refusal to strip as some cool youth thing. (They didnt.) I made an attempt to style it out by looking casually moody, staring out to sea behind sunglasses, pretending not to notice my shoes sinking in the sand, legs looking like inky black stumps.

Why dont you take off your tights?

No.

What about if

No.

A couple of key things: the seaside was not on my itinerary and I hadnt packed for it. I didnt (and dont) own swimwear or a bikini, and I didnt (and dont) know how to swim.

Being Muslim is barely an excuse to look as daft as I did; there are chic ways to be modest by the sea childhood memories of Karachis Clifton beach were proof, where lawn cotton tunic and trousers were everyones friend. But being Muslim, plus an average level of body dysmorphia, was my bikini body ready get-out card. I knew there had to be more comfortable ways to be in public than permanently sucking my stomach in wearing what is, essentially, waterproof underwear. But 100-denier hosiery was definitely not the answer.

The general advice to give a shy 21-year-old should always be, Its not as bad as you think, to allay their disproportionate embarrassment. Except, in this case, the cringe levels are fully warranted; I havent been to a hot, sunny beach since.

Nosheen Iqbal is a commissioning editor for G2.

Morwenna Ferrier: I cant remember why I decided to cut off my hair

Morwenna Ferrier in Aldeburgh in her early 20s.

Other outfits have been more challenging. The mother-of-pearl bustier I wore to my graduation, say. Or, recently, the T-shirt printed with Valerie Solanass Scum manifesto I wore to meet a friends baby. But the outfit I am wearing here, worn on a walk along Aldeburgh beach in Suffolk, is the one I most regret.

It started a few months earlier when, in my early 20s, I decided to cut off my hair. I cant remember why. I imagine I fancied a change and, in fairness, I liked it. But then, I looked like a boy in a dress. I reacted by phasing out dresses and instead wearing drainpipes, striped T-shirts and headscarves. None of this was good. In the photo, Im wearing tight cropped trousers under the dress.

I had spent my late teens in dresses, grungy or flowery, with self-cut hems. It was a more innocent time, when I didnt really care what I wore. But the haircut triggered an anxiety.

What is it I regret? Back then it was the haircut; now, its that I ever worried about looking like a boy. I clearly hadnt been paying attention in those Judith Butler seminars; maybe I was still too attached to the binary. As my hair grew out, I started to care for the first time about how I looked. At 24, late in life, I became self-conscious.

Morwenna Ferrier is the Guardians online fashion editor.

Pam Lucas: I looked like a turkey at Christmas

Pam Lucas at a family party, aged 39.

As a single parent in the 80s, I was dirt poor. I didnt have the opportunity to make fashion faux pas because I didnt have any money. We shopped in jumble sales, and we had fun.

My family was invited to a party to celebrate my aunt and uncles golden wedding anniversary. I didnt know them that well, but my mum wanted me to impress them by looking modern. In the 80s, that meant puffy sleeves and big shoulders. My mother came with me to buy the outfit from BHS , so I had to comply. I was 39 at the time.

It was a beautiful colour between purple and lilac but I didnt like the synthetic fabric. It was watermarked all over and had a flared, taffeta skirt and a little jacket with a peplum. I looked like a turkey at Christmas, but it was such a fab party, I soon forgot how uncomfortable I felt.

In a way the outfit is a testament to my relationship with my mother. I was a grownup, with a child of my own, but she was still trying to keep hold of the mum bit of herself.

Pam Lucas is a model and appears regularly in All Ages.

Tshepo Mokoena: I settled on a vague hippy child look

Tshepo Mokoena at 19.

It would be nice if we could start over. To spare me, and others my age, a fair bit of niggling shame, by wiping all early photos from our Facebook accounts. Anyone who set up a profile between 2004 and 2009 now lugs around the digital baggage of horrible pictures of misspent youth and terrible outfits.

Case in point: this delight of a photo. I was 19, killing time between the second and third years of uni in Brighton. In a few weeks, my housemate and I would set off on an impulsive charity volunteering trip to Kerala because and I still cringe wed watched Wes Andersons The Darjeeling Limited.

Until my early 20s, my aesthetic consisted of not knowing when to edit. At 18, I would layer at least three beaded necklaces, two chunky bracelets, about 17 bangles and seven rings, for no good reason.

I attended secondary school in Harare, Zimbabwe, largely insulated from fashion, more concerned with my whizzing hormones than the latest velour tracksuit. I settled on a vague hippy child look at 15 and filled my wardrobe with earthy prints, flared denim and jewellery picked up in local markets. By 19, I looked like a substitute art teacher.

If youre old enough to have only private, analogue photography from your youth, or young enough to have crafted a near-fictional version of yourself online, youre spared the permanent reminder of your mistakes: 1,287 grim images owned by Mark Zuckerberg. I implore other twentysomethings to join me in calling for a digital purge. Its time.

Tshepo Mokoena is the editor of Noisey.

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#Not so haute: six writers on their biggest fashion mistakes

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Can I forgive the man who raped me?

Thordis Elva was raped aged 16. Years later, she emailed Tom Stranger, the man who raped her, beginning a raw, painful healing process documented in their book South of Forgiveness. In this extract, they meet to find a way forward

Thordis Elvais from Iceland and known to Icelandersas a writer, playwright, journalist and public speaker. She was voted Woman of the Year 2015 by the Federation of Icelandic Womens Societies in Reykjavik for her work on gender equality, and has written a celebrated book on gender-based violence, 2009s mannamli (The Plain Truth). She currently resides in Stockholm, Sweden with her partner Vidir and their son.

Tom Stranger is Australian. He met Elva when he was 18 and on a student exchange programme in Iceland, and the pair had a relationship. Since then, he has worked in various sectors (community services, youth, outdoor recreation, charity, construction, and hospitality). For now, he is working as a landscape gardener and lives in Sydney with his wife, Cat.

From: [email protected] Sent: Saturday 21 May 2005, 5.38am To: [email protected] Subject: Words for you Thordis, I dont know where to start. When I saw your name in my inbox, my spine went cold. My memories are still as clear as day. Please believe me when I say I have not forgotten what I did, and how wary I have to be of myself. I dont know how to reply. I want to call myself sick (but I know I am not), I want to say that you are so strong, so strong to be able to write to me and recall the events and my actions. I want to thank you for not hating me, although Id like you to. It would make it easier for me. Without looking for a scratch of sympathy, I want to tell you that the events and emotions I was party to in Iceland have replayed in my head many times, usually when I am by myself for any length of time. They flash past me, vividly accurate, and then, shortly after the denial and positive character reinforcement, comes the question: Who am I? It is a dark part of my memory. Ive tried to suppress it. But this is not about me. Whatever I can do or offer you, I am more than willing. The question is where to go from here. You tell me. Tom.

*****

After eight years of analysing the violent past and its consequences in a written correspondence, Thordis and Tom decide to meet up in the middle, between their home countries of Iceland and Australia, looking to face their past once and for all.

Day one, 27 March 2013

The taxi picks me up at a quarter to five and takes me to the bus station, where Im booked on the fly-bus. The grizzled taxi driver, hoisting my suitcase into the trunk with a smooth manoeuvre, asks me where Im going.

To South Africa.

Oh, really? To Johannesburg?

No, to Cape Town, I reply, still in disbelief at my own words despite the time Ive had to adjust to the idea. It would be an understatement to say that the proposed meeting has been on my mind. Its reverberated in every step when Ive gone out for a run; its been in every breath of cold winter air that scraped the insides of my lungs; its soaked the wet washcloth I used to clean my sons sticky fingers. And Ive tried my best to push it out of my mind when making love to my fiance, enjoying his warm skin against mine.

After all, that would be a highly inappropriate time to be thinking about it.

From the moment the destination was set, I adapted to a new calendar before or after Cape Town. The last time I bought deodorant I automatically deduced that I wouldnt have to buy another one until after Cape Town. Yesterday, when snuggling down with my three-year-old son to do some painting together, spending quality time with him BC momentarily appeased my guilt for leaving him for 10 days to travel halfway across the globe to face a man from the past without any guarantee of the outcome.

Something tells me that parents of young children are not meant to take such foolhardy decisions. Thats the reason I gave up my dreams of parachuting when I fell pregnant with my son. Then again, throwing myself out of an aeroplane at 7,000 feet carries less emotional risk than taking a trip down memory lane with the man who turned my existence upside down. Because it wasnt an unknown lunatic who tore my life apart all those years ago. Who turned down the offer of medical help for me, even though I was barely conscious and vomiting convulsively. Who decided instead to rape me for two endless hours.

It was my first love.

My mothers eyes flew wide open when I told her that I was travelling alone to South Africa to meet up with the man who raped me when I was 16. She strung together a series of hair-raising worst-case scenarios before letting out a sigh, looking at me with loving reluctance, and adding: But I know its pointless to try to talk you out of things youve set your mind to, dear. Shortly thereafter, my dad interrupted my packing when he dropped by for a coffee. Despite my attempt to break the news to him in the gentlest manner possible, it didnt prevent him from freaking out. He lectured me in a thundering voice about how I was jeopardising my life for an utterly ridiculous idea.

But I have to finish this chapter of my life, I said softly. My cheeks were on fire.

Finish this chapter? he repeated, appalled, and jumped out of his chair. You dont need to travel across the globe to finish anything! This whole idea is a big pretentious drama, thats what it is!

His words hit me right where it hurts.

Youll have no control over anything. Nothing but your thoughts! Nothing else!

What do you mean? I asked, confused. Ill obviously control my actions and whereabouts.

No you wont, dear, he hissed. You cant always. If you could, then that wouldnt have happened.

We both knew what he meant by that, even though weve never talked about the incident that changed everything. In recent years, Ive spoken widely and publicly about my status as a rape survivor (though, until now, never identified the man who raped me) yet my father and I have never discussed that fateful night. He has never asked and Ive always assumed he doesnt want to know.

I sat up straight, aware of my glowing cheeks. If you reduce me to victim and him to perpetrator, I can see how this seems incomprehensible to you. But were much more than that, Dad.

He scoffed loudly before storming out of the kitchen.

I leant against the wall and let the air out of my lungs slowly. Goddamn it. I knew this would be hard, but bloody hell.

My father appeared again in the doorway, pacing up and down with frustration I knew was fuelled by fatherly love. How can you be sure youll finish anything with this nonsense? This may just as easily be the start of something else entirely! The distress in his voice made it sound like a threat.

I sat alone in the silence my father left behind and watched the dust settle. In a way, I think were both right. This trip will surely mark an end to a certain chapter of my life. What sets me apart from my father is my belief that in the next chapter, I wont be the victim any more.

Day two, 28 March 2013

The screen in the seatback in front of me shows a blinking plane over a map. According to the timer, Cape Town is just 29 minutes away. The butterflies in my stomach nose-dive, as the time seems way too limited considering how many questions are left unanswered.

Goddamn it, what if I cant forgive him? Am I ready to let go?

Frustrated, I scroll through the folder on my laptop, searching for something to calm my nerves. I was level-headed enough when I suggested this trip, wasnt I? In an attempt to recover my faith in this risky undertaking, I read through my own proposal:

You may need a lifetime to forgive yourself for what you did to me. That is up to you and you take however long you need, independent of anyone else. I, however, am climbing a different mountain. And I am getting very close to the top. I propose that in six months time, we meet up with the intention of reaching forgiveness, once and for all. In person. It is the only proper way for me to do it, I feel. No letter can ever compare with face-to-face communication. And after all weve been through, I think it is the most dignified and honest way to finish this chapter of our story.

I sound so calm, so fucking reasonable. How is it possible that this was written by the same person now hyperventilating in a plane 30,000ft over South Africa, full of nerve-racking doubt?

Reading through his reply, Im somewhat comforted that he, too, felt conflicted:

Ill admit that I was floored by your request to meet up. Fearful, anxious, cautious, paranoid. You name it, it all came swarming in. But youve asked, and you sound like you are making vital ground towards something very special for yourself. So of course Ill agree to see you. After much thought I do think it will be beneficial, and an opportunity for myself to air face-to-face some long held words and for us both to look to close some doors. I want it for you, Thordis, as you seem strong, open and ready to see me and move forward. I want it for me because Im so very sick of being sick and seeing myself as unlovable, and believe I can move on if I could just look you in the face, own up to it and say Im sorry.

Forgiveness is the only way, I tell myself, because whether or not he deserves my forgiveness, I deserve peace. Because Im doing this for me. My forgiveness is white-hot from the whetstone, and its purpose is to sever the ties, because if I can let this go, once and for all, Im certain that my overall wellbeing will benefit greatly. Self-preservation at its best.

Day four, 30 March 2013

Its seven oclock when we buy ourselves a drink at the hotel bar and sit down by a table facing the garden, readying ourselves for the hard talk. The windowpane clatters loudly, and an endless stream of staff crossing the room distracts me to the point where I give up. What do you say about us finishing this conversation in my room?

He looks at me, shocked. Are you sure? Youre comfortable with that?

Im sure that itll be easier to have this talk if we get proper privacy. Its tough enough as it is.

Tom radiates ever-increasing anxiety as the elevator climbs closer to the 12th floor. Unlike him, my emotions have calmed down.

Almost serene, I step out of the elevator. Theres no turning back now.

He buries his hands in his pockets as I fish my key out of my bag in front of my hotel room. Putting my hand on the doorknob, it morphs into the white plastic door-handle with the keyhole that haunts my dreams. Within me, everything falls silent. Ready? I ask myself.

Without hesitation, I turn the key.

Tom follows me inside my room, takes a look around and smiles nervously. Not bad.

Sit wherever you like. Im going to make some tea.

Thordiss student ID from around the time she met Tom. Photograph: Courtesy of Thordis Elva

He sits down on the edge of the bed while I busy myself with the kettle. From the corner of my eye, I notice him closing his eyes and straightening his back, as if hes steeling himself. When the boiling water hits the teabag at the bottom of the cup, Tom begins the story in a hoarse voice. I wore my golden shirt that evening. I didnt know it was customary to get dressed up for a dance in Iceland, and I didnt have anything fancy. The son of my host family took me to an exclusive store and helped me choose the shirt. I thought it was the peak of cool, at the time. The striped trousers were a present from my host sister.

He accepts the steaming teacup from my hand and stares into it for a moment before continuing. I remember how excited I was when I bought the ticket. I remember that I was with my friends Carlos and Ben when we met you outside the dance. You were pretty drunk when you arrived.

It was the first time Id ever tasted rum, I tell him. I didnt know how to drink alcohol. Nor did I know how to smoke, even though I took a drag from the rolled cigarette you handed me. I just wanted to impress you. And after the ensuing wild cough, I wondered if perhaps that wasnt a cigarette, I remind myself.

I lost you the minute we stepped inside, Tom continues. Carlos and I went straight to the dancefloor. I remember feeling happy and carefree in that sweaty pile of people. Then someone told me you werent well, you were in the ladies.

My mind replays the awful scene from the bathroom stall. The stains on my new dress. My hair wet from hugging the toilet. My fear and wonder as one spasm after the other wrung my body out like a dishrag. The repeated promises that Id neither drink nor smoke again if I were only allowed to survive this night. And finally, the desperate wish for my mom to come save me. I fucked up, Mom. Im sorry.

Tom frowns. I felt it was my duty to go and check on you. So I went in and climbed over the partition, into your cubicle. I held your hair back while you vomited, and I thought I was going to be sick as well. Then you flopped to the ground and lay there, motionless. I remember carrying you out.

He pauses and looks away. Before I have a chance to tell him how grateful I was when he appeared like my mother incarnate to save me from an untimely death on the bathroom floor, he grimaces bitterly. Then I couldnt be bothered to look after you, Thordis. I dumped you on Ben and left you with him. You were slumped on the chairs outside the bathrooms and he stood there, stooped over you, as I went back to the dancefloor.

I look at him in surprise. I thought youd taken me straight home.

He clenches his jaw. My only thought was that this was the only Christmas dance I was going to experience in Iceland. I was selfish and didnt have any concern for you. In the end, I felt guilty that some other guy was looking after my girlfriend. So I scooped you up in my arms and carried you up the stairs, in a foul mood because I had to leave the party.

And the security guards stopped you on the way out because they wanted to call an ambulance for me as I was dangling from your arms, foaming at the mouth. They thought I had alcohol poisoning.

Id forgotten that moment but I dont doubt it, he says in a low voice.

Tom Stranger in 1996, the year he went to Iceland. Photograph: Courtesy of Tom Stranger

I remember that part vividly because for a second there, I thought youd take their advice, I respond, looking down into my cup. That Mom and Dad would get a call from the hospital saying that their 16-year-old daughter was lying there with alcohol poisoning. I imagined being grounded for life.

Id known for three years by then what it is to drink to excess, and Id seen many of my friends at various stages of drunkenness. I just thought you were wasted. I didnt think you were in real danger, he says.

Whatever it was, it had me paralysed and unable to speak. But I heard you loud and clear as you refused the offer of an ambulance, telling the security guards that you knew me and would see me safely home.

He nods, his complexion strangely pale. The taxi was white, I recall. I told the driver your address I remember letting us into your house. But what I dont remember is what I did with you while I struggled to unlock the door.

You draped me across your shoulder while you rummaged round in my bag for the keys.

He raises his eyebrows. Really? Like a sack of potatoes?

I nod.

He swears at himself quietly. And I remember your entrance hall, the shoes on the floor. From memory, past the coat hooks there were some stairs on the left, leading up to the kitchen and your parents area. Your room was through on the right. He stops and swallows.

I remember taking your clothes off.

I remember it too. My gratitude when he removed my vomit-stained dress. My relief at having my feet freed from the high heels. My frustration for not being able to utter a word of thanks. My lack of understanding when he continued to remove my underwear. Why my panties? Why?

My stomach muscles reflexively tighten as I prepare for the blow.

He stands up, moving restlessly, and walks over to the wall opposite the bed. I undressed you completely… He falls silent and hangs his head. The wind howls pitifully outside the window.

Tom begins to cry.

I wish I could tell you why I did it, Thordis.

Did what?

Raped you, he says, quietly.

This is an edited extract from South of Forgiveness by Thordis Elva and Tom Stranger (Scribe Publications, 12.99). To order a copy for 11.04 go to bookshop.theguardian.com or call 0330 333 6846. Thordis Elva and Tom Stranger will be speaking at the Royal Festival Hall as part of the Women of the World festival on 11 March, and at the Bristol Festival of Ideas on 13 March

People were quick to judge I wasnt angry enough: what came next for Thordis and Tom

Standing in stark stage lights, with five cameras directed at me, I recently found myself on a stage, telling an audience of 1,200 how Id been raped when I was 16 years old. Next to me on stage was Tom, who raped me after a dance at our high school. Together, we gave a TED talk that summarised a 20-year long process, whereby Tom shouldered responsibility for his actions and the way they impacted our lives. It was viewed nearly 2m times in the first week and the overwhelming reaction was positive and supportive.

In the talk, I described the violence Tom subjected me to, how I spent years wanting nothing more than to hurt him back, how I found a way to part with the anger that nearly cost me my life, as well as rid myself of blame that I like so many other survivors wrongfully shouldered.

Tom described how he felt deserving of my body that night, without any concern for me, and consequently convinced himself that what he did was sex and not rape. The following nine years were marked by denial, in which he did his best to outrun the past, until I confronted him in a pivotal email that changed our lives for ever.

Ive been asked why I didnt press charges immediately, and the simple answer to that question is that I was a 16-year-old girl with naive notions about rape. Rapes were committed by armed lunatics, the kind of sensationalised monsters you saw on TV and read about in the papers. The fact that Tom wasnt a monster, but a person who made an awful decision, made it harder for me to see his crime for what it was. That way, the demonisation of perpetrators in mainstream media got in the way of my recovery. By the time I was able to identify what had happened to me as rape, Tom had moved to the other side of the planet, far from the jurisdiction of the Icelandic police. At the time, 70% of rape cases in Iceland were dismissed, even when the perpetrator could be interrogated and the survivor had documented injuries, neither of which were the case for me. Therefore, pressing charges would not have been a fruitful process, and the only option I felt I had left was to bottle up my pain and anger. Studies show that very few survivors have a clean-cut story in which they went straight to the authorities after being assaulted, put the blame squarely on the perpetrators shoulders, healed their wounds and moved on. For most of us, life after violence is a messy ordeal. We dont go to the police because were too confused, scared or doubtful that well get help. We blame ourselves and obsess about things we couldve done differently. We numb ourselves with alcohol/drugs/sex/food/work, or we turn to self-harm to relieve the emotional pain. We continue to see our abusers and pretend that nothing happened, because facing the truth is overwhelming. We develop PTSD and mental illness. We stay silent about what happened out of fear that well not be believed, or worse, blamed for it because we did something wrong. No wonder, really. In reality, the only people capable of preventing rapes are those who commit them, and yet were told from an early age that we can avoid being raped by dressing and behaving in a certain way. This culture of victim-blaming also fosters the idea that there is a right way to react to violence. Had the survivor only worn something else, not smiled so widely, not gotten drunk, fought back (more), screamed (louder), gone straight to the police, not feared their attackers retaliation if theyd only done that, everything wouldve worked out differently. Victim-blaming deepens the shame that many survivors feel and lessens the likelihood that they speak up about their experiences.

Watch Thordis Elva and Tom Strangers TED talk.

The reality is that there is no right reaction to having your life ripped apart by violence. I knew that my collaboration with Tom would be controversial, and the reactions of internet trolls didnt surprise me. But I am concerned with how quick some people were to judge the wrong way in which I worked through my experience. I wasnt angry enough, I shouldve pressed charges, I was setting a dangerous precedent, I should be ashamed. Although I made it clear that my forgiveness wasnt for my perpetrator but for myself and that without it, I wouldnt be alive, I was still told that I should not have forgiven.

This worries me. I worry about my fellow survivors who are at risk of internalising the misconception that there is a standard reaction to sexual violence, with the conclusion that they didnt react in the right way. To you, I want to say that you did nothing wrong. The way in which you carried on with your life may not have been clean-cut, it may have been messy and incomprehensible to those who dont share your experience, but it was your way to survive a trauma. Nobody has the right to tell you how to handle your deepest pain.

And as the title of our story South of Forgiveness suggests, forgiveness played a pivotal role in allowing me to let go of the self-blame I shouldered, largely due to the victim-blaming culture I grew up in. And yet, forgiveness is not the core of our story, in my mind. The core issue is responsibility.

I understand those who feel discomfort and even outrage when hearing and seeing Tom on stage, knowing that hes perpetrated sexual violence. At the same time, given how prevalent this type of abuse is and how under-reported a crime it is, were in all likelihood seeing and hearing from perpetrators on a daily basis the main difference being that we dont know theyre perpetrators. They could be the people we went to school with, who greet us at the grocery store, who direct the films we watch, get elected to public office, run entire countries and live right next door. Given the low reporting and conviction rate, most of them will never have to take responsibility for their actions in an institutional sense. This does not lessen the gravity of their deeds.

By the time Tom had confessed to his crime, he couldnt have done time for it even if he wanted to, as the statute of limitations had passed. As a result, our case fell through the cracks of the legal system, like so many others, but it didnt lessen our need to analyse our past and place the responsibility with the person to whom it belonged: Tom. We also did our best to answer questions that are rarely posed in the public discourse about rape, where more focus seems to be on the survivors attire, behaviour, whereabouts and sexual history than the perpetrators culpability. And as frustrating as it is, I understand it to a certain extent. Because in the public discourse, the only people speaking about the violence theyve been party to are the survivors, usually. Which is why we only have their stories to dissect, their details to scrutinise. Did she say shed been drinking that night? This tradition of one-sided scrutiny blindsides us from looking at the behaviour of the person responsible, the perpetrator, to whom the focus needs to shift.

I am not sharing the story of how I processed the abuse I endured as a set of recommendations for others.

My story is a unique account shared in the hope that it can aid a public discussion about sexual violence.

As a society, it is our duty to fight against violence. And as individuals, we have a right to heal from it.

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