#i dont think youre lying to yourself‚ i think introspection and understanding your identity are very difficult things to do

[gibbearish]

hi i’m not really sure how to do this but i came from your uquiz and you seem knowledgeable and nice and so i’m asking you a question now i’m sorry

uhm, so, i think i maybe might be trans (ftm) because i’m super dysphoric and i sometimes look at guys and i get really jealous because they just get to, like, exist like that (i’m not really sure what the “that” is, but god, do i want it) and i very much don’t and when i refer to myself using he/him pronouns in my head it feels, uhm, at the risk of being a cliche, right, i guess.

but the thing is that i don’t really fit into any of the stereotypical trans guy things. like a lot of my friends when i was little were girls and though i have some stereotypically masculine hobbies (sports and physics) i also sew, and when i was little i was obsessed with being a princess for like a month before i started refusing to wear dresses.

i don’t think i’m non-binary, i tried using they/them pronouns this summer and while they didn’t actively hurt like she does, they didn’t really feel right.

so, like, am i lying to myself? i don’t know, maybe i just want to be special (i don’t want it, though, if i could just be happy as a girl i would).

sorry i just unloaded half an essay on you you obviously don’t have to reply and i know you’re probably not qualified to answer anyway, i just needed to tell someone, you know?

anyways, i hope you’re having a nice night or day or whatever. thank you, for, like, existing on the internet i guess. your quiz was very nice. bye.

howdy anon! dw i am always glad to answer questions abt this stuff even tho it make take me a while lol

my best advice for situations like this is i know its easy but don't let yourself get caught up in the trap of "well this is the label that makes me feel best but i dont technically check off every single box for it so am i just lying?" people arent video game quests, you dont have to hit every single box for it to count, youre allowed to have stuff fall outside the technical definition of a term while still calling yourself it. im very similar to you, i was in tap and ballet growing up, wore dresses and makeup for most of highschool, sewing crocheting knitting the whole shebang. but the important part is that none of those things make a difference to your identity. knowing how to sew doesnt make you a girl, it can just make you a guy who knows how to sew. its a thing you do, not who you are.

all that being said, i think another helpful angle to look at things is "does the distinction between two similar labels actually make a difference to me?" using myself as an example again, i dont call myself a trans man because while i do prefer presenting masculine, for some reason the term 'man' just doesnt feel right for me. but at the same time, to the rest of the world that's functionally what i am, right? so does that change /who/ i am? no. so for me personally, ive deliberately chosen not to file myself into either "trans man" or "nonbinary" and just move on with my day, because to me it doesnt actually make a difference which one i am, im still gonna stay on t, i still want top surgery, i still want to be perceived masculine, and thats not gonna change no matter what name is on the box so who gives a shit. just do what makes you happy

#also this is a side note but going back to the whole 'when i was growing up i was more feminine' angle #one thing ive found is that the more masc i get the more pressing the Need To Be Masculine becomes #so like. accepting that identities can be fluid and change over time can be very helpful imo #maybe i was a girl at one point and now im not‚ or maybe i never was‚ who cares. either way‚ im not one now‚ and thats what matters #gender is a game we were all forced to play from birth‚ youre allowed to say fuck all these rules im just gonna exist how i want #i hope this all makes sense and isnt an incoherent ramble labflsbfksbfkeb ive been having brain fog lately so i tend #to lose track of where i am when im talking sometimes #i dont think youre lying to yourself‚ i think introspection and understanding your identity are very difficult things to do #and i think like a lot of trans(?) people pre-everything youre scared that the answer will be 'yes‚ you are trans‚ and now you have to #figure out how to live in a way that feels right' #not to say nonbinary people dont have to deal w the same stuff as trans ppl obv bc Hello Thats Me ksnfkshfkek #but like. i feel like most ppl see it as 'figure out identity then work on transition goals' but like you absolutely dont have to #you can just say 'idk what i am but i know doing xyz will make me happier' and just go from there #and who knows! maybe doing so will change your understanding of yourself to the point you find picking a label far easier #or maybe it wont! you wont know till you try though #anyways hope this ramble helps have a good day osbfksbflsnls

[woodsywizard]

There’s so much power in names. There’s really a reason you can’t give the fae your name-people understood the power of it. Names are so important to me as a trans person because of lots of reasons, but part of it isnt just that but also just,,, the power of it all. I mean, people have multiple names, nicknames, pet names. Names you call in anger, like full names or middle names. There’s so much ascribed or achieved identity in a name-it’s how youre viewed, how you’re defined. The name is a definition of the being, the way you’d give life to an entire thing by naming it. Who named the mountains early on? That must’ve been something. They were always so powerful. Giving something a name isnt just any old act-it’s an act of putting into being their identity and soul in one word. It’s the word you’ll call to at night to bring them back from the dead. It’s the word you’ll hear people singing to each other to say I am here and so are you! And you are a being with a defined soul-something to call to. We call each other’s names with such Power that I refrain from even using them without need sometimes.

I think realizing my deadname wasnt my real name was one of my earliest journeys pre puberty as a trans guy. It’s funny, really, because my deadname means ‘little girl’. My parents were heartbroken when I told them I had a name and it wasn’t that. I didn’t ask them to call me by it for years after I told them because it hurt too much to speak. But I knew early on there was no room for a name like what they’d given me in a life like mine. It wouldn’t ever define me the way I was-it would define the person they thought I was. At like 9 or 10 I played a childrens game online where I still has no access to trans info or resources but I called myself a new name every week until it stuck. And it stuck hard. It was just the letter B. I’d always felt so strongly about it. Something in that letter was romantic to me. Nothing like the cold unfeeling deadname I’d begun to associate with Fake Me, the me my parents believed they knew. But B, that was a letter. I also went online by he/him pronouns at that age without knowing anything more than the warmth I felt from it. The euphoria. I explored names and identity and the power of a definition really well when I wasn’t tied to anything but my words.

But when I grew up a little more I realized B wasn’t fully suitable for me out loud or in full. I wanted more of a mouthful of a word, and I wanted it to fit. I sought to define myself singularly, which is what I believe everyone could try to do if they find themselves trapped in a name they can’t agree with. But what’s in a definition of a name? How do you call yourself one little word-a made up word you use to call yourself by, to put on forms, to respond to heart and soul? It was a very rough road ahead of me. I knew for a fact it had to have a prominent B, somewhere in it. Of that, my identity would never feel more secure. But what sort of names fit that? I tried all the American names for B and it was like looking for a needle in a haystack. Apparently not many Americans took on plant names starting with B as the definition of their being. And calling myself Berry didn’t feel right. But I was always very drawn to nature, inherently more so than to people. So when I looked, I looked for nature names. And having recently read the picture of Dorian gray, it sort of hit me when I read it. Basil. I read it wrong, really. I’d never heard it pronounced out loud. Bay-zill, I thought. That’s a definition. It even sounded kind of fancy and gentlemenly, a name I could take to class.

Finding my name was a bit of a strange thing. It’s not like building something out of clay-it’s more like I already had a pre existing statue, but it was covered up in all this rock I had to chisel away to free it. And once I’d torn the rock away and revealed the art of self understanding, there was an expression of my identity in two syllables. Basil. A name I could follow behind when it was carried on the wind. A name that has made going to places selling tomato basil soup or plant stores very confusing for me. A name that leads to every other American I meet instantly not knowing how to pronounce it because I’m clearly not British either. And a name that has led to lots of confusion for people trying to help me with forms because it’s clearly not the one on most of those.

But there’s a reason it matters to me. It was very hard to figure out that name. It took so much chiseling. I am sure this is the one I can’t give the fae. And my middle name-even that ones special to me. I took it from someone who doesn’t accept me for who I am, but whom I still love very much because I’m always a fool trying to please the circus. I have a name, and it’s not the one my parents stuck to my forehead in an attempt to define me. It’s something I worked for. And I don’t think being trans is the only reason people should do this. I really truly believe finding yourself a name to be called by is something inherently human. Changing your name is often allowed for anyone, but I don’t recommend doing the legal stuff until you’re down pat on it. It’s a journey, not a race. Figuring each little piece out took me like three years when I started questioning it. I had lots of fun weird in betweens and nicknames I still use, but I think finding a label you can stick on forms with no discomfort is really appealing. I think names are powerful things, and calling to them by their true forms is the best way to reach the person asking you to. I don’t think it’s evil that my parents secretly deadname me. But it certainly means I’ll never be willing to share a part of that life with them. Il never feel comfortable or safe around them when the topic comes up. I told them who I was, and rather than listen or ask questions they told me I did not know myself as well as they did, though I knew I’d been lying to them for years to keep up that identity they thought I had. I dont trust them fully with myself anymore-it’s guarded off from them. They’re calling to a deity who doesn’t exist, praying on the grave in vain of a living person walking around who just doesn’t vibe with a definition they gave me. They also defined me as Catholic. That one didn’t go too well either. They’re still hoping on that one too though. I bared my soul to them as who I am and they responded with rejection of it until I would conform to their definition. Unfortunately, I tried very hard and couldn’t manage, so I was dead to them forever on this topic.

Anyway, yeah, I don’t care if you’re cis or trans or questioning or anything, finding a name you vibe with even if it’s just to give yourself a new nickname is really rewarding. Dont neglect self reflection too badly in the name of being normal if it means denying a little fun pet name you can try like those hallmark movies. And if you find out in the end of all that introspection you’re exactly where you started, that’s all the better! You have a lot less paperwork to do! :) Cherish the names that come by and fit into parts of your life when they do, because human beings are only ever changing and to maintain something through all that change is a feat for even the earth.

#not a shitpost #names #positivity #trans positivity #basilvibes #no really though #poetry