#gender is a game we were all forced to play from birth‚ youre allowed to say fuck all these rules im just gonna exist how i want

[gibbearish]

hi i’m not really sure how to do this but i came from your uquiz and you seem knowledgeable and nice and so i’m asking you a question now i’m sorry

uhm, so, i think i maybe might be trans (ftm) because i’m super dysphoric and i sometimes look at guys and i get really jealous because they just get to, like, exist like that (i’m not really sure what the “that” is, but god, do i want it) and i very much don’t and when i refer to myself using he/him pronouns in my head it feels, uhm, at the risk of being a cliche, right, i guess.

but the thing is that i don’t really fit into any of the stereotypical trans guy things. like a lot of my friends when i was little were girls and though i have some stereotypically masculine hobbies (sports and physics) i also sew, and when i was little i was obsessed with being a princess for like a month before i started refusing to wear dresses.

i don’t think i’m non-binary, i tried using they/them pronouns this summer and while they didn’t actively hurt like she does, they didn’t really feel right.

so, like, am i lying to myself? i don’t know, maybe i just want to be special (i don’t want it, though, if i could just be happy as a girl i would).

sorry i just unloaded half an essay on you you obviously don’t have to reply and i know you’re probably not qualified to answer anyway, i just needed to tell someone, you know?

anyways, i hope you’re having a nice night or day or whatever. thank you, for, like, existing on the internet i guess. your quiz was very nice. bye.

howdy anon! dw i am always glad to answer questions abt this stuff even tho it make take me a while lol

my best advice for situations like this is i know its easy but don't let yourself get caught up in the trap of "well this is the label that makes me feel best but i dont technically check off every single box for it so am i just lying?" people arent video game quests, you dont have to hit every single box for it to count, youre allowed to have stuff fall outside the technical definition of a term while still calling yourself it. im very similar to you, i was in tap and ballet growing up, wore dresses and makeup for most of highschool, sewing crocheting knitting the whole shebang. but the important part is that none of those things make a difference to your identity. knowing how to sew doesnt make you a girl, it can just make you a guy who knows how to sew. its a thing you do, not who you are.

all that being said, i think another helpful angle to look at things is "does the distinction between two similar labels actually make a difference to me?" using myself as an example again, i dont call myself a trans man because while i do prefer presenting masculine, for some reason the term 'man' just doesnt feel right for me. but at the same time, to the rest of the world that's functionally what i am, right? so does that change /who/ i am? no. so for me personally, ive deliberately chosen not to file myself into either "trans man" or "nonbinary" and just move on with my day, because to me it doesnt actually make a difference which one i am, im still gonna stay on t, i still want top surgery, i still want to be perceived masculine, and thats not gonna change no matter what name is on the box so who gives a shit. just do what makes you happy

#also this is a side note but going back to the whole 'when i was growing up i was more feminine' angle #one thing ive found is that the more masc i get the more pressing the Need To Be Masculine becomes #so like. accepting that identities can be fluid and change over time can be very helpful imo #maybe i was a girl at one point and now im not‚ or maybe i never was‚ who cares. either way‚ im not one now‚ and thats what matters #gender is a game we were all forced to play from birth‚ youre allowed to say fuck all these rules im just gonna exist how i want #i hope this all makes sense and isnt an incoherent ramble labflsbfksbfkeb ive been having brain fog lately so i tend #to lose track of where i am when im talking sometimes #i dont think youre lying to yourself‚ i think introspection and understanding your identity are very difficult things to do #and i think like a lot of trans(?) people pre-everything youre scared that the answer will be 'yes‚ you are trans‚ and now you have to #figure out how to live in a way that feels right' #not to say nonbinary people dont have to deal w the same stuff as trans ppl obv bc Hello Thats Me ksnfkshfkek #but like. i feel like most ppl see it as 'figure out identity then work on transition goals' but like you absolutely dont have to #you can just say 'idk what i am but i know doing xyz will make me happier' and just go from there #and who knows! maybe doing so will change your understanding of yourself to the point you find picking a label far easier #or maybe it wont! you wont know till you try though #anyways hope this ramble helps have a good day osbfksbflsnls

[never-enough-fanfiction]

Hey ive been swamped with ACT studying latley, i was wondering if you can do head canons on what Benimaru would be like as a dad (x mother wife) where the two of you have kids? Since he is a proto nationalist I totally see him wanting a big traditional family. How would he react to pregnancy news? What would he be like when his s/o is in labor, or his reaction to babys first steps or first word. So much fluff!!

If, while reading this, you get the feeling that it was wirtten by some caveman who doesn't know shiet about children or words, know that this caveman tried her best to make it as cute and fun as possible, and that really is the pinnacle of her abilities. Okay?

+ As always, sorry for delay, I know how nerve wracking can exams be (just finished my midterms) and I hope you will achieve the highest possible results. Unfortunately you asked an author who is what she is ... Please take these 1 500 words as compensation.

Enjoy!

News

Benimaru took the news of your first pregnancy in silence. In a silence so deaf and long that every passing second tightened the hoop around your heart tighter and tighter.

It took you three days to get ready to say it to his face, and yet the stress was still eating you from the inside. His lack of response as you fumbled the ends of your T-shirt in your hands did not make it easier nor better.

You looked up sharply, preferring to face his anger rather than spending another second in uncertainty, and you found that Benimaru was looking over your shoulder, present body, but definitely not mind.

After a few calls and waving in front of his face, Benimaru seemed to wake up and shifted his lost gaze to you.

"We will have a kid?"

"Yes, we will." You repeated, stressing each word, trying to get through to him this time. You expected many things, but not so much confusion.

"A kid." He repeated, and his crimson eyes lit up the glow. "A kid!"

Benimaru cuped your checks and kissed every inch of your face. Lips, checks, temples, forehead, nose, eyelids.

"A kid."

The next person to hear the happy news was Konro, and then the whole city somehow. The residents' mouths did not close for the next 9 months.

Each time he took it better and better. Each time he almost went out of his skin showering you with kisses or dancing around the room with you in his arms. Only this first stage of the shock was shortened.

Pregnancy

Benimaru didn't know at first what a pregnant woman could and couldn't do, so it was best if you didn't do anything. After long interpretations from the midwife, the range of your allowable activities extended beyond sitting and breathing, but there was no question of any use of force.

After a while, you even stopped trying to lift anything above the bowl of rice. Every time Benimaru saw that you were carrying a package, you happened to get the slightest rebuke. It was worse for all Hikeshi within 100 meters for not-helping. After that, you didn't want to trouble the innocent firefighters anymore.

As you can't even look at sake, your evening drinking has turned into making up names over tea. (Not that Shinmon suddenly stopped drinking. He doesn't want to drink in front of you when you couldn't, and after every news of the next baby, the alcohol flows in streams, so he can't complain about abstinence.) He loves holding you in his arms, with one hand for growing belly. Once he felt a kick, he literally melted.

With time, as the family began to grow, it was his duty to make sure that the older children did not tire you and find them to do something.

Childbirth

The first time he had no idea what to do. He literally turned to Konro saying:

"Konro, [Y / N], labor, what do I do ?!" Sould he wreck some buildings?

Konro, as a loving friend aware that there was no time to explain it to him with words, kicked his composite ass to the hospital.

While the whole city was celebrating the birth of another Shinmon, Benimaru was sitting next to you, holding a small bundle in his stiff hands.

"You can hug them, you know?"

"They are too tiny!" he muttered, afraid to raise his voice so as not to wake the sleeping figure.

“They are stronger than you think, Love. They're Shinmon after all, ”you recalled with a chuckle.

Since then, every time the inhabitants of the viewer of Benimaru running to the hospital (have you ever seen Benimaru running? Me neither.), they immediately reach for alcohol.

Begginings

Benimaru has experience and no major problems in taking care of children, especially since they are his. In his time off work, you can see him sitting in front of the Guardhouse, giving his toothless child to chew on his forearms, and sometimes making a tour around the city together, to the joy of all the residents. Other times, he will sit in front of the little one trying to teach him the first words.

*

"C’mon kid, da-d." Benimaru tried to keep the child's attention who was much more interested in chewing a wooden puppet.

"Daaa ~"

"Close enough, da-d." Some time ago he made a bet with [Y/N] that their first word would be dad, and the rules did not exclude support. "Da-d."

"Maaa ~"

"No, DA-D." He sighed softly and looked up sharply for the approaching steps.

Konro stepped into the yard, gloomy, looking around until he found the Captain.

“Oi Waka, have you seen Hika and Hina? I can’t find them anywhere. "

The red-eyed man shrugged, pointing to the street.

"Maybe they are terrorizing the candy seller again."

Konro sighed heavily and disappeared behind the building, leaving them alone again, and Benimaru returned his attention to the child, already scrambling onto his lap.

"Wanna sleep?" He helped them climb a little higher and leaned in as they held out a small hand at him. He was expecting an awkward slap on the nose, but instead got a tug on his hair almost to the floor. "Ack! What the… "

"Waka ~"

"What?" He froze as he tried to untangle the strands from his impossibly grasping fingers.

“Waka ~” The child repeated, tugging again, and giggled smugly.

Waka? Does it count as a dad? Did he win?

The next achievement was to make sure they didn't repeat all those curses after him, or at least so [Y/N] wouldn't hear.

Beni with big family

You probably expected that just as with twins, the whole Guardhouse will look after them ? Hah, ya wrong.

ENTIRE CITIES WATCH OVER THE MINI MIXES OF BENI-CHAN WITH [Y/N] -CHAN. They are so spoiled that sometimes it feels like only you and Benimaru have any rules. On the other hand, there are no problems with finding your children, just call them by name and half the street will indicate their whereabouts.

• Maybe you can't see it, but Benimaru doesn't know what to do with himself out of happiness. Even when he comes home in the evenings after a really long day, the sight of all those faces looking at him as the center of the world makes him smile. At such moments, he will always find some strength to play.

• The fun begins when they are old enough to help him with his work, not putting the Infernals to rest or blowing up houses, but just making a errands around the city where he can show them what Hikeshi's job is and teach them about his core beliefs.

He doesn't always succeed, but he knows he can rely on you and your ability to use words if he does.

• Benimaru has no problem with cases when one of his children doesn't want to follow in his footsteps, he knows that he has raised them well and that when he is gone, they will take care of his city regardless of his position or profession.

• BUT NOTHING RELATED TO THE EMPIRE!

You had to use force to stop him from throwing your daughter's boyfriend out the door when he heard he was with the empire.

Play time

Benimaru's favorite form of spending time together is, of course, teaching his children everything he can. Regardless of their gender, they all have inherited above-average amounts of fire power and a love to destruction.

After several dozen problems with stopping his own children from killing their siblings, Benimaru created a game called: "dad agains everyone"

It’s fun to watch Benimaru surroded by figures half his height, who try to collapse him to the ground.

Rest of the family

Grandpa Konro

This man survived small Benimaru and the Twins. There is nothing this man haven’t seen. Which makes him the best grandfather in the empire. At this stage, Koro already has a separate locker for everything from his numerous grandchildren.

He is also your kids safe place when the parent's fury rages outside.

Aunt Hika and Hina

There were times when you had to entrust your older children to the care of twins (if your children were several years old, Hika and Hina were also older, don’t get me wrong). The girls made sure that the younger members of the family learned everything they needed to know about Asakusa, the inhabitants and their usual behavior.

In fact, at some point they were considered to be part of their siblings, and so were treated like ones (read: regular bloodshed).

Nevertheless, every time one of the stepsiblings messed up with someone they shouldn't (manga readers know perfectly well that kids have it after their dad), the two fire foxes turned into two bloodthirsty beasts, ready to chase away any problematic individual.

#Sorry for delay.... #I'm kinda mad at myslef for posting it so late #not much proofreading #let me know if I didn't translate any part #maybe I didn't mentioned a lot of having a lot of kids HC #but as I said #the peak of my abilities #not good with kids #shinmon benimaru #shinmon benimaru x reader #benimaru shinmon x reader #benimaru shinmon #fire force #fire force HC

[layercake]

Why Naoto is Heavily Trans Coded, and How The Discussion Surrounding Him Needs to Change

Hello, I’ve never written or posted anything like this before LOL so this is a bit daunting. But this subject is something that’s been bothering me for a long time, and I wanted to get it out somewhere. So let’s talk about how Naoto Shirogane is heavily trans coded, and how the fandom has a problematic culture surrounding the issue that really needs to change.

Tw // discussion of misogyny , transphobia , and mentions of harassment

Initial Shadow Confrontation 

Since the discussion is most often about what’s “canon” and what’s not, let’s first take a look at what the game actually does give us about Naoto’s character. During the confrontation with Naoto’s shadow, we learn that Naoto idolized detectives as a kid, and wanted to be one himself when he was older.

However, this posed a problem for him in multiple ways. One, he was (is) still a child, and the people in his field don’t take him seriously because of it. He tries desperately to escape this fact, to try and act as mature as possible, but ultimately he can’t change how others will perceive him at his age.

This is what the shadow confrontation focuses on most heavily. But then it switches to discussing the other part of the issue-- the fact that Naoto’s ideal image of a detective is a man, and he “isn’t.” 

At the end, Yukiko says “You must know already that what you yearn for isn’t to become an adult or to become a boy,” and Naoto accepts it. This is what most people point to when saying that Naoto can’t be trans, because he agrees that it wasn’t what he wished for. So, easy, right? If you take this as him telling the truth, then it looks like an open and shut case-- he isn’t trans. But Naoto’s actions don’t really fit what he says here. 

The issue starts with these next lines (below) in particular. To me, Naoto’s tone in the first line is regretful, and doesn’t strike me as a sentiment someone who is cisgender would necessarily hold. Why would he want to “change into a man?” To fit his ideal image of a detective? As he says here, yes.

(Real quick before I continue, it’s not clear in the dialogue screenshot but it’s important to note that Naoto does say “yes” to Yukiko’s question about him not liking being a girl. He nods his head)

The narrative that the game tries to go with after this is that the “ideal image” Naoto wanted to live up to, including the male aspect of it, was unattainable and formed primarily because he felt that was the only way he could be a detective. 

But, is this really that much of a problem? We all look up to certain types of people, people that we want to be like-- and for many, this can factor into gender identity as well. If Naoto really just wanted to be a cool, male detective, that doesn’t at all negate that being trans would be a part of that for him. 

Naoto’s other words and actions, as well as the framing of this scene as a whole, make the scenario feel a lot less believable to me for multiple reasons. Naoto never initiates the conversation that him wanting to be a boy is incorrect-- Yukiko does. Naoto isn’t even the one to trigger his shadow-- Kanji does that. Naoto had a lot less agency in a lot of these decisions than the other characters did with their shadows. 

Naoto’s Continued Actions

The fragility of the narrative Atlus put together for Naoto continues to grow throughout the rest of the game, due to the way he behaves after the initial shadow confrontation.

For starters, it’s implied that Naoto is not his birth name, something that i think a lot of people either miss or forget about-- and yet he continues to go by it throughout the course of the game. We never find out his deadname and he never expresses a desire to share it with anybody.

The day after the “reveal,” Naoto doesn’t change anything about his appearance, mannerisms, or how he presents himself. He honestly seems uncomfortable with the fact that everyone has found out, in a way that felt much like being outed to the whole school, as opposed to finally being seen and accepted for who you “really” are.

I understand that such a drastic shift in people’s perception of you would be overwhelming to anybody, no matter if you were cis or not. But if Atlus really wanted to hone in on the idea that Naoto was happy about this change, they could’ve at least made him…. Well, happy about it. Even if it was just a small smile, just a tiny indication of relief even despite how hard it will be to adjust, it would’ve made it at least a little more believable that this is what he really wanted.

But that’s not the case. Instead, he’s uncomfortable, he still binds, he still wears the school’s male uniform, and he still goes by Naoto. The only time any of this actually changes is if you as the protagonist push him to, which… is a whole other mess.

The fact that Naoto has even gotten to this point, though, speaks more volumes to me than anything else. Passing is not easy. Coming out is not easy. Naoto would have had to go through difficult lengths in order to get not only his school, but the country and media to see him as a man.  He’s a well-known "detective prince".. someone was bound to look up his records and find out about it. That's a huge risk to take.

In addition to this, he binds. He goes by masculine pronouns and a masculine name. He very audibly changes his voice to be more masculine. I don’t know how to tell you this, but this is just…. not something cis people do? At least not comfortably. 

In fact, doing all of this would have been incredibly uncomfortable for Naoto if he was cis. As someone who experiences dysphoria, looking like and being seen as a gender you are not can be really, really painful. If transitioning was something he really didn’t want, why would he put himself through all of that? Was it really to escape misogyny? Me asking this isn’t minimizing the issue at all, because I understand that it’s incredibly serious and hard for countless women. But I would generally think someone’s first reaction to facing misogyny isn’t to… completely change their identity and present as a different gender.

On top of being probably the hardest option of escaping misogyny available to him, and one of the most uncomfortable, presenting as a man doesn’t necessarily get rid of any prejudices Naoto may face. In fact, I would argue that it’s considerably more dangerous. Especially in a rural town like Inaba, where people seem to not really understand or approve of being LGBT. Naoto is smart, he would have thought of all of this. So why?

Inherent Transphobia of Naoto’s Arc 

There is something to be said about how much misogyny is present in Japan’s workforce, especially in fields like Naoto’s, and the importance there is in discussing that. The base idea behind his struggles and message isn’t inherently a bad one, but the way the game went about it was problematic because it put down transgender identities in the process.

The first time I watched Naoto’s shadow confrontation, it was really distressing to me. The game continuously repeats the idea that you can’t “cross the barrier of the sexes,” that Naoto “can never really be a man,” and  that “you can change your name, but you can never change who you “really” are.” I hope I don’t need to explain why this is a problem.

Naoto’s wish to be a man, regardless of what was driving it, is depicted as something temporary and childish. Something that Naoto “didn’t really want,”  something that was just an excuse to run away from the misogyny he was facing. Even if it was unintentional, this message is incredibly harmful to transgender people.

It would have been a better and much more coherent message about misogyny if the writers had steered clear of trans themes entirely. In fact, I think they did so well with Sae’s character in Persona 5-- she’s in the same field of work, facing very similar struggles, but she doesn’t react in the same way as Naoto at all. 

Kanji and Homophobia 

It’s even worse that Naoto’s “reveal,” on top of being problematic by itself, is used as a method to bury Kanji’s exploration of his own sexuality. The problems with Kanji’s own shadow are bad enough to warrant their own long rant, but the reveal that Naoto was “really a girl” this whole time allows the story to completely wave off his gayness for good.

This isn’t something unique to this game-- the trope of “two boys fall in love, but one of them turns out to be a girl so it’s fine” has been used numerous times in other media to explore the topic half-assedly. It plays with the “exoticness” or “drama” of a gay romance, but backs off at the end in order to uphold societal norms and prevent backlash. 

This doesn’t really give any kind of good commentary on gay relationships, nor does it depict them in a positive or helpful manner. It isn’t something that these games should be getting kudos for doing. 

Misogyny?

I think there’s also something to be said about how poignantly bad Atlus is at really tackling the problem of misogyny. It tries, especially with characters like Ann and Sae, and in certain aspects it can succeed. But then they have scenes like the pageant and Every Beach Scene Ever, where the women are forced to wear swimsuits or revealing clothing against their will, or their bodies are talked about without their consent. There is consistently a character in each persona game who is forced to do the whole misogynistic dipshit gimmick that’s supposed to be funny-- Junpei, Yosuke, Teddie, Morgana, Ryuji-- and while this is obviously not a Persona specific problem by a longshot, it’s still indicative of how unsuccessful these games often are in delivering the message that society’s systemic misogyny is an issue.

This is something I think about a lot when people try and argue that Naoto’s story can’t be about him being trans because it’s “an important message about misogyny.” Atlus often doesn’t deliver on such stories already, and they certainly didn’t with Naoto. As soon as Naoto returns to “living as a woman” he’s subjected to the same misogyny that the other girls are. His chest is commented on, he’s forced to be in the beauty pageant, he’s made uncomfortable in the bath scenes-- really, all Atlus did after the reveal was make the problem worse for him. 

On top of this, his story never actually meaningfully tackles the problem of misogyny in the detective force. It’s not a major part of his social link or the general plot of the game-- honestly, it’s barely even touched on at all after the initial confrontation. Thus, the idea that “Naoto can’t be trans because it erases a story about misogyny” is just plain untrue. There never was a coherent one in the first place.

Problems Within the Fandom

Despite all of this, there is such an intense backlash from the majority of the fandom if anybody dares to bring up these issues with Naoto’s story. Naoto being trans is generally seen as something ridiculous and stupid, or something to insult and mock people for.

I understand that there's always going to be people who say provocative stuff like this, no matter what anyone does, and that it’s not something exclusive to this particular fandom or character. But the problem is that this rhetoric isn't just from them anymore--the consensus among so much of the fandom seems to be either that Naoto absolutely cannot be trans, or that speaking about it at all is "annoying discourse" and taboo. Even from fans that are LGBT or allies themselves. 

This in and of itself is such a telling thing to me. if you find yourself getting angry about the subject, really ask yourself why. Is it such a problem for people to reclaim a transphobic story? Is it such a problem for a character to be trans in the first place?  There is room for discussion and nuance regarding this situation, but we have to make it for ourselves. We can accept that Atlus’s base game will never actually give us a coherent story about either misogyny nor being transgender with Naoto’s story. But petty arguments and insults thrown at people who bring up this topic isn’t any of that-- it’s just poorly masked transphobia. 

So at the end of the day, no, Naoto being is trans is not “canon.” Of course Naoto would not actually be allowed to be trans, he is a main character in a game series where the only explicitly LGBT characters have been consistently buried, stereotyped, or demonized with only a few rare exceptions.

Yes, you’re allowed to headcanon whatever you want about him. I can’t stop you from wanting a story about misogyny, or from seeing Naoto’s gender as something more fluid than I do. But you can’t ignore the fact that his story, as written in canon, is laden with transphobia despite its intentions. It’s not a ridiculous or harmful thing for trans people to want to reclaim that.

There are still a lot more issues with how Naoto is treated in the game-- especially in his romance route-- but that’s a whole other can of worms I’m not ready to unpack today lol

Hopefully all of this made sense though, and feel free to bring up anything else I may have missed or point out any issues you might have with it :-) Thanks for reading!

#persona 4 #naoto shirogane #p4 #persona #naoto #trans naoto #meta #long post #discourse #misogyny #transphobia #god?? god!! help me #this is literally such a mess lol But #sorry for lack of pictures in the second half also

[dionnaea]

Revelations | Pieck x Reader

pairing: pieck finger x gn!reader

warnings: cursing, some yelling, ends in fluff 

wc: 1.8k

a/n: sorry that this is a couple days late! midterms wore me out, and i didn’t feel like looking at a word document for a day or two. hope you enjoy it nonetheless! let me know what you think :)

request: Hi can I request a pieck x male reader (or gender neutral if your more comfortable with that) maybe the reader is a scout that was captured after the attack and she is in charge of watching them maybe they slowly warm up to each other after reader reveals the horrors they’ve gone through with the Titans during an argument with pieck and eventually they start a relationship?  

attack on titan masterlist | general masterlist

Yes, you had met some annoying scouts during your training, but you had never met anyone as annoying as the Marleyan soldier that was sent to guard your cells. He spent most of his time either throwing schoolyard insults your way or trying to flirt with every captive. It was ridiculous, and you were getting more than tired of listening to his squeaky, borderline pre-pubescent voice flood the stone-lined hallway. His break times had turned into a safe haven of sorts for you and your comrades, but as the thirty minutes creeped by, you became more and more antsy. 

Today, however, seemed to be different as a woman walked in a little while after the regular guard left. She had walked by all of the cells, taking subtle glances inside each one, before having a seat near your end of the row. In fact, she was a mere five feet away from the bars of your current habitat, and you took the chance to study her. 

The first thing you noticed was the red band clasped securely around her left arm, denoting her Warrior status. It shone like a beacon or a warning, you couldn’t decide which. Still, why would a Warrior be sent to watch over some captured scouts? And where had the other man gone? Not that you minded his absence. The curiosity started to eat away at you, and you figured there was no harm in asking. 

“Hey,” you started. You were taken aback when you realized that she was already looking at you, like she knew exactly what you were going to say. 

“He was moved to another post,” she answered your unspoken question. “I’m here in the interim.” 

“Ah,” you responded. 

Her voice was a bit too soft for your liking; it was unbecoming of a killer, you thought with spite. You didn’t like her being here. A regular, annoying Marleyan soldier was one thing, but a Warrior? It was like a stab straight to every scout’s heart. Your chest started to feel a bit hotter as your anger towards her grew. You hadn’t been there when she delivered the boulders to the Beast Titan to decimate your comrades, but you had heard the tale, a horror story only told late at night. As if she had the right to exist in the same building, on the same continent even as the predecessors of those she had killed. 

You scoffed out loud, and the Warrior turned to face you, furrowing her eyebrows as if she were actually concerned. You glared in response. It was stupid, you thought, that she was allowed to have a face like that, the face of an angel, and still act like a devil. 

The day passed, her sitting idly by while you did your best to play a card game in your head. You tried to picture all of the cards and their suits and numbers, placing them on the imaginary table you had set up on the floor of your cell. It wasn’t going well, you kept losing, as you kept getting distracted by the feeling of the Warrior’s gaze burning into the back of your skull. It was almost as annoying as the squeaks of the original guard, and you felt a sense of pure relief as soon as she left for the night and another guard took her place. 

To your discontent, she returned the next day, too, and the next. By the third day, your blood was boiling. Even though you were always turned away from her, you could feel her eyes on you most of the time. It was pissing you off, and you couldn’t hold back anymore. 

“What the hell?!” You questioned as you whipped around, not surprised to find her dark eyes piercing into yours. Hers were wide in confusion, and that made you even more mad. “What’s so interesting about the back of my head, huh? You busy picturing what it would look like with a bullet in it or something?” It was a harsh statement, you knew, but you also believed she deserved it. 

She shook her head quickly and with so much force that her crutch started to slide from where it was balanced against her chair. She swiftly reached out to catch it, holding onto it with both hands instead of propping it back up. 

“N-no. I just…” She paused, gathering her thoughts. “I just was trying to figure out what you were doing.” 

You scowled. “What I was doing?” You repeated incredulously. “I’m wasting away in a jail cell, that’s what I’m doing!” You stood up in a flash, pressing your body against the bars and grabbing onto them until your knuckles were white. “I’m stuck here because of you, you know!” 

She shook her head again, denying your statement. “No, you’re here because you killed my people.” 

“Well, you killed mine!” You shouted back. Your voice lowered as you spoke again, grief flowing through you. “Thousands, millions even. You slaughtered them all without a thought for their families, and children, and friends. You destroyed our home without regrets, without us doing a damn thing to you, so stop complaining that we destroyed yours.” 

The woman was quiet now, her head bowed and hair covering her face. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, and that pissed you off more. You started to go off again, but she stopped you with her next words. “Tell me. Tell me what we did to you. I want to know everything.” 

When she looked up, there was an honesty and sadness in her eyes that you never would’ve expected to see. It shook you, and for a second, you saw a normal human being rather than a Warrior. Somehow that look calmed you, and you became willing to tell the stories of you and so many others, both dead and alive. 

You learned her name was Pieck, and the two of you talked for hours. You described the horrors of life under the threat of Titans, you told of the atrocities that occurred on the battlefield, you explained to her the loss and grief and overwhelming depression that came with the life every scout and citizen of Paradis was being forced to live. 

And to your stupefaction, she listened to every word quietly, nodding her head to signal that she was taking in the information. She didn’t try to sympathize or compare experiences, she just sat and let you talk, letting herself realize her own sins. Once you were silent, you could tell she understood, at least as much as an outsider could. She didn’t need to apologize for you could see in her face that she had plenty of regrets, and Pieck was well aware that an apology would mean practically nothing. It was atonement that she sought now, and Pieck figured a good place to start would be with you. 

From that day on, you grew closer with the woman. You never shared mindless conversations, but instead always talked of the past and of your experiences. You heard stories of her Warrior training and realized the brainwashing that the Eldians living on Marley had been put under from birth. A part of you was proud to see that Pieck had overcome it in a sense, happy to realize that peace was truly possible if constructive conversations could be had. It was promising, and slowly but surely, talking to Pieck became the highlight of your day, something you looked forward to as she made you forget about your lonely little cell. 

Weeks had passed, and then one night changed everything. 

You were struggling to sleep, the thin sheet you were given was not enough to protect you from the cold and the hard bed was giving you a pounding headache. The only comfort you had was the knowledge that you could see Pieck again in a few hours once the sun came up. The hallway was silent other than the occasional moments when the night watchman got up to use the restroom. He sat on the other end of the hall from you, and you were thankful that he couldn’t see into your cell from where he was stationed. 

The next time he got up, he didn’t come back for quite a while, and you started to wonder if something had happened to him. Were the scouts finally coming to rescue you? Your heart began to pound harder as you heard the door to the hall creak open and keys jingle. You cracked your eyes open to see who was here only to be met with the sight of Pieck standing outside your enclosure, fiddling with the keys before sliding one into your door’s lock. 

You sat up quickly, tossing the sheet off of you and standing to meet her against the bars. Keeping your voice as low as possible, you whispered, “Pieck! What’re you doing?”

She whispered back, pushing your door open and holding out a pile of clothes to you. “Put these on. I want to take you somewhere.” 

You obliged quickly, not questioning the possibility that you could escape somehow. Was she helping you to leave? But how would you get back to Paradis? Options were running through your head at lightspeed as you slipped on the long sleeve shirt and jacket. She guided you down the hallway after you were dressed, careful not to wake anyone or stir suspicion. You barely recognized the building as you walked through it as it had been months since you had last seen anything other than stone walls and metal bars. When Pieck pushed the backdoor open and let you wander back into nature, the breath was stolen from your lungs. 

It was cold outside, but in a different way than your cell. The air was refreshing rather than stale and the wind was pleasant, not a musty draft. You could smell the light scent of flowers in the air, and you wondered exactly where it was coming from, suddenly craving the feeling of petals on your fingertips. Pieck seemed to understand your thoughts as she led you to a small garden on the other side of the pathway. Upon seeing the dainty plants, you rushed over to them, brushing your fingers over the colors and savoring the different textures. 

As you straightened back up, Pieck took your hand gently. You felt a bit embarrassed with how dry yours were, hers as silky smooth as the petals you had just caressed, and you apologized quickly and quietly. Laughing softly, Pieck just tightened her grasp, assuring you there was nothing to worry about by how she pulled you closer. Her being this close was intoxicating, and you felt yourself melt into her, peace washing over you in waves. For some reason, all of this felt new to you, like you were starting over in the world with Pieck, and you were perfectly content to stand here beside her.

It wasn’t until later, when you were back and locked securely into your cell, that you realized you didn’t mind staying a bit longer on Marley as long as Pieck was here, too.

#attack on titan #attack on titan x reader #attack on titan fanfiction #pieck finger #pieck x reader #pieck finger x reader #snk #aot #mere writes

[aegor-bamfsteel]

I had this fic idea where: Calla, Haegon, their mother and youngest siblings didn't escape and they were taken as hostages in the Red Keep. Calla kind of ends up "playing the game" and trying to forge a better life for her mom and siblings while trying to overcome her trauma of losing her brothers and dead, her anxiety over Daemon II not being around and not having any contact with him and Haegon most likely going to the faith. And she also has survivors guilt. Basically this is a "Calla plays the game while trying to survive" (this includes her glaring at BR and lowkey planning his death, finding Matarys endearing because he's actually fairly nice and so is his brother/dad, she also looks like her mom. OH AND SHE DYES HER HAIR QUITE OFTEN)

Basically my question was: how much would have changed if Calla, Haegon and their mom and younger siblings didn't get to escape?

That’s a really interesting, elaborate fic idea, dearxstorm! If you end up writing it, make sure to link me and I’ll write a comment! Calla has the potential to be an interesting character, and your characterization of her in the prompt sort of lines up with my own (having the Sweetness hiding Steel personality); I like the idea of a psychological story of her dealing with the loss of her family while trapped in a court that hates her at best. I also like your headcanon that she dyes her hair, because it’s a physical identification with her mother’s people; all too often, in asoiaf as in other works of fantasy, the heroes of noble families identify more with their father’s house at the expense of their mother’s (the young Starks identify more with their father’s house to a lesser degree than the others, but even the young Greyjoys are krakens rather than Harlaws, the young Martells don’t consider themselves half-Norvosi, forget about Aegon V + siblings identifying themselves as something other than the blood of the dragon), and it’s the villains that tend to include parts of their mother’s heritage (the Baratheons of king’s landing include a lion in their sigil, the Greens from the Dance of Dragons owed their initial success to their Hightower mother). In addition, Essosi women are almost to a woman treated horribly in Westeros; divorced (Mellario, Larra), exiled (Rohanne), or tortured and killed (Mysaria, Tyanna, Serala, Serenei), so it’s great you decided to single out Rohanne’s Essosi influence on her children as something neutral to positive.

As for your question about what would happen if Calla+family didn’t manage to escape, I asked warsofasoiaf about it years ago; his response that Bl00draven would’ve had them all killed, while certainly in-character (his consistent character trait is harming boys to accomplish his goals), isn’t particularly satisfying for writing a fanfic with these characters. We see Da3ron II took lands and hostages from those who knelt; Lord Bracken’s son died during the Great Spring Sickness, perhaps as a hostage in King’s Landing; Eustace Osgrey’s daughter and only heir Alysanne was sent to the Silent Sisters at age 7, while Standfast went from a prominent lordly house to one of landed knights. Daemon’s lands and titles were likely under attainder, being of fairly recent creation. In Westeros, killing (mostly male heirs) or sending to the Faith (more likely female heirs) the child rivals to one’s lordly power seems to be the norm (most infamously Aegon and Rhaenys Targaryen on Tywin’s orders, but also Cerelle Lannister by her uncle Gerold, Rohanne and Cerelle Tarbeck were sent to the Silent Sisters and Rohanne’s young son was likely murdered during the Reyne Rebellion, the extermination of Houses Darklyn and Hollard bar one after the Defiance of Duskendale). So I tried to look at examples from medieval history to see if I could save the younger Blackfyre boys:

As much grief as I give GRRM for not being historically accurate while claiming he’s true to life, the gendered fate of young male and female rivals who were captured seems to pass muster: with boys usually being killed or “disappeared” (Arthur of Brittany was imprisoned then murdered by his uncle King John of England, the Princes in the Tower mysteriously vanished with the prime suspect as their uncle Richard III) and girls either imprisoned (Arthur’s sister Eleanor was imprisoned for 44 years until her death by her uncle John and cousin Henry), forced into a convent (Gwenllian Princess of Wales by Edward I, Joanna la Beltraneja was given a choice between this or marrying her infant cousin Juan by his mother Isabella of Castile), or married to steal their lands/unite claims (Arthur’s mother Constance was betrothed to his father from age 5 after her brother was forcibly disinherited from the duchy of Brittany, and I’m still not sure what happened to him; Eleanor de Montfort was eventually married to Llewellyn of Wales after she was captured and imprisoned by the English). 

I think the best hope for the Blackfyre boys is for them be rescued and taken to Tyrosh (although Bl00draven would probably try to separate them to prevent all of them taken at once). 

A longer-term option is for Rohanne’s relatives in Tyrosh to try to negotiate their release, probably with a solemn oath never to return to Westeros (happened with the Charles VII’s cousin Charles Duke of Orleans who spent 25 years in various English prisons after his capture by the English at Agincourt until his old rivals the Burgundians negotiated his release; Amaury de Montfort, despite having taken holy vows, was captured along with his sister Eleanor and only by swearing never to return to England and the Pope plus Llewellyn intervening was he released).

Failing that, maybe Baelor Breakspear could try to go ‘the Dontos Hollard route’, asking for clemency out of the boys’ age/birth, and sending them to King’s Landing as squires, and probably make sure they don’t return to their old lands. I doubt they’d be allowed to wed, but I suppose Rohanne could petition for a restoration of Daemon’s old lands to House Blackfyre (as Anne Scott managed to save her lands from her husband Duke James’ attainder after the Monmouth rebellion, and her two surviving sons by him were able to marry and inherit and were loyal to the crown), and they could be wed into a loyal Red house of Da3ron’s choosing; it’d be her grandchildren inheriting these lands (Elizabeth I imprisoned her cousin Katherine Grey for the rest of her life for secretly marrying and had her separated from her two sons, but they were allowed to marry and her grandson became the next Duke of Somerset, despite his family reputation). Not Daemon II if he’s been captured with the others, but possibly Aenys. I’m not saying this is a likely scenario considering the characterization of Bl00draven and the actions of Da3ron II to the other children of rebels, but it’s a kinder solution that maybe Baelor might come up with.

I don’t imagine that these boys will be sent to the Faith, but rather the Night’s Watch seems to be the place for defeated rebels/men sentenced to death; so in all likelihood at least the elder ones could be sent to the Night’s Watch once they’re old enough. Westeros as well as medieval history has shown how easy it could be to take someone from a convent/monastery and use them to take their lands/incite a rebellion (Robar abducting Rhaella from the Faith; Marie of Boulogne was abducted from her convent by Matthew of Alsace to forcibly marry him to steal her lands), plus these vows can be undone (at least in medieval Italy, where sometimes cardinals had to leave the Church to get married to continue their family line; it’s implied in the sentences of Lucinda and Priscella that septas can break their vows) so I think at least the elder ones would not be allowed.

The Blackfyre girls have a higher chance of not being murdered. The worst case-scenario that I could unfortunately see happening is sending them to the Silent Sisters along with poor Alysanne Osgrey, which seems to happen to the most dangerous of noblewomen (rebel queen Marla Sunderland, sasser-of-kings Maris Baratheon, Ellyn Reyne’s daughters Rohanne and Cerelle), all potential heiresses for another rebellion (not likely with so many brothers, but if they manage to escape and another uprising coalesces around them who knows). Another option would be to the Faith to be septas, which happened to more minor noblewomen men wanted out of the way (Rhaella and Megette’s daughters for their “inconvenient birth”, Lucinda Penrose and Priscella Hogg for their roles in the plot to kill Daenaera). 

A particularly painful scenario would be confining them in the Maidenvault until/if a new king decides to release them as their grandmother Daena was. Considering that the next king is Aerys, I doubt they would be released (like Eleanor of Brittany) or marry

It seems not uncommon in Westeros for an ambitious man to marry an heiress of the previous ruler to become suo jure lord of her lands (Tyrek Lannister’s marriage to the infant Lady Ermesande Hayford, Dickon Tarly’s marriage to Eleanor Mooton, Lancel’s marriage to Amerei Frey to steal Darry, and most famously Orys Baratheon’s forcible marriage to Argella Durrandon). The problem with doing this in regards to the Blackfyre girls is that considering their father’s lands are probably under attainder, they don’t have lands to inherit, much less a dowry. Of course, Rohanne could try to petition for a creation of new lands, possibly in exchange for giving up their claim to the throne (Princess Renee of France gave up her claim to the duchy of Brittany in exchange for being made duchess of Chartres by King Francis I, so she could finally be allowed to marry). Another idea would be to send them abroad for matches to Essosi cities the Reds have ties to, such as Lys and Pentos. In a happy scenario, the Blackfyre girls were allowed to marry with permission; to show that Da3ron is serious about healing the realm, he or Baelor could betrothe Calla and Matarys (not expected to inherit the throne; your prompt said they were getting along!). What happens after his death in the Great Spring Sickness is anyone’s guess.

In the edgy scenario, the girls marry without permission, possibly to a Velaryon descendant of Baela’s (just going by my theory of at least some Velaryons as Blackfyre supporters); it seems in medieval England that some potential female claimants to the crown did marry secretly to men with more distant claims (Lady Katherine Grey as mentioned before, but also Lady Arabella Stuart two generations later, to Grey’s own grandson), thus frustrating the desires of their monarchs to marry them abroad. Sometimes they were able to escape their captors and raise their children in exile, eventually allowed to return to their home country; the most famous of these was Margaret Beaufort and her son Henry, who later won the English throne by right of conquest with weak dynastic claim.

A lot of these scenarios ignore the canonical cruelty of Bl00draven and the vindictiveness of Da3ron with regards to the Blackfyres and their supporters; I don’t imagine that they would show mercy to the defeated rebels, and warsofasoiaf’s scenario that they would all be secretly murdered is definitely a possibility. They also ignore Rohanne’s characterization (such that it is) of a take-charge noblewoman who was in my opinion unquestionably a pro-Blackfyre rebel that used her money and influence in Tyrosh to provide a home for the exiles and orchestrated their escape (the idea that Aegor Rivers helped Rohanne escape to her own country seems to diminish her achievements); I don’t think she would be asking the Targaryens for any favors, considering in canon she knew them well enough that she preferred to flee than surrender to the House that gave Bl00draven high office. Barring the “Bl00draven kills them all” scenario, I don’t think she would be executed due to her sex and that she’s from foreign nobility (especially if her male relative was still Archon), but we have no idea if the Faith is an option for her (did she convert? Considering the characterization of GRRM’s other Essosi women as holding to their homeland’s traditions, I doubt it); it’s likely to me she would be separated from her children, who would be governed by Red supporters (maybe if Rhaena is still alive, she could coach the girls?), an emotionally hard punishment for her (considering all of her canonical actions involve her children, it seems she loved them very much). It’s possible she might be sent back to Tyrosh as a gesture of goodwill to her family, after some years of confinement; or she could be sent to a remote location, like Cassandra Baratheon upon a forced marriage to Walter Brownhill.

tl;dr If the Blackfyres and Rohanne aren’t going to be murdered after being captured: the boys would likely go to the Night’s Watch once old enough, or imprisoned in the Red Keep and married under ideal conditions; the girls might go to the Faith, imprisoned in the Maidenvault, married off to non-Tyroshi Essosi, or secretly married; Rohanne would likely be briefly imprisoned, separated from her children, and either sent to the remote countryside or Tyrosh. What happens to them depends on how merciful the Reds are feeling, and how much of a risk they deem them to be. Just expect that if someone leads a rebellion in their name, for the boys to die. 

#asoiaf #asoiaf headcanon #what if #House Blackfyre #Rohanne of Tyrosh #calla blackfyre #fic ideas #ask #medieval

[colinohen]

welcome aboard, colin o'hennessy, student #25. we are excited to set sail with you !  has anyone told you that you look like jacob elordi? according to our records, you hail from londonderry, northern ireland, prefer preferred he/him, are cismale, and are here to study history. we also see you received a spot on the ss university because of your academic scholarship— we won’t tell anyone. during your first few weeks here, other students said you were + loyal, + disciplined, but also - resentful. it sounds like you spend most of your time at the library. upon checking your luggage, we noticed you packed a silver ring brought from home. hopefully your roommates don’t steal it!

hellooooo my name is lily! i’m super excited to be part of this rp and i hope i get to rp and plot with all of you! my dms are always open and i’ll tell you a bit about colin. i might change some stuff later to fit his adoptive sister storyline but overall this is what i have.

01. stats

NAME: colin eoin o’hennessy

NICKNAME: none really

GENDER: cis male

PLACE OF BIRTH: londonderry, northern ireland

DATE OF BIRTH: june 15, 1998

AGE: twenty-two

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: bisexual

MAJOR: history

02. information

i will write a proper bio at some point, just need to work on some details

tw abandonment born to a single mother who was far too young to know how to raise a child. she ends up leaving when colin is just eight months, leaving him under the care of his grandmother.

his grandmother adored him but unfortunately she wasn’t in the best health and the government decides she’s not suitable to adopt and raise him, so he’s placed with a foster family.

he’s one of the lucky ones. his foster family allows to spend the weekends with his grandmother and truly treat him like their own child. his foster father, a history teacher is the person that shows him how fascinating history can be while his foster mom teaches him about photography.

unfortunately, this idyllic life only lasts for a few years as their family grew and the system decided it was time for colin to move on. however, the family decides to adopt him but just before the adoption is finalized, his mother comes back and claims she is ready to be a mother.

the government, of course, gives his mother the custody as she proved she was really in a better place to raise her child.

he’s nine years old and forced to live with a woman that claims to be his mother but he doesn’t know anything about her or about her new stepfather.

his new stepfather while a kind man has a different idea of what colin should be doing. he pretty much thinks his stepson has the perfect build to become an athlete and disapproves anything that doesn’t have to do with sports.

by the time he was twelve, colin played three sports full time and when his stepfather wasn't coaching him from the sidelines he basked in the glory of his star.

as the stakes grew, so did his stepfather’s involvement. he would scream at colin from the bench. he would pull him out of games for mistakes. he would scold that a double would have been a triple if only his son had worked harder in practice.

his stepfather really destroyed all his self-confidence, and colin entered his teenage years feeling like was not enough. he had the looks, the physique but not the confidence or the ego.

by the time colin was in his freshman year of high school, the injuries and over-exertion finally caught up with him. his body began to hurt and never stopped hurting. the pain struck his knees, then smothered his back, then finished his father’s dreams

tw death during his sophmore year of high school, his stepfather suffered a fatal heart attack. colin was devastated but also felt relief because finally he could stop playing injured and the maybe could live without pain.

but the emotional pain continued and shortly after his mother went down a spiral that forced him to back to the system. this time he was placed with a family in wales.

colin really didn’t have plans to go to college, his stepfather had filled his brain with the idea that without sports he was nothing but his foster family encouraged him to attend the same university as their daughter.

he rejected the idea and after he turned 18, he remained in wales but move out of the foster family house, even if he tried to visit once a week.

colin got a job as a security guard and he worked the for three years before quitting and agreeing to go into this two year university their foster parents told him about.

he started a year ago, majoring in history.

03. current plots

formely catfished santos whitney

adoptive brother of carys berry

best friends with #43

04. wanted plots

crush: although it might not look like, colin is very shy so it wouldn’t surprise me if he had feelings for this person but wouldn’t do anything about it because he’s afraid of being rejected, so he just admires them from afar. 

bad influence: colin tends to follow the rules and any kind of plan that disturbs that makes him feel uneasy but this person has managed to convince to get out of his comfort zone.

friends with lingering feelings: self explanatory, friends where either one or both have some kind of romantic feelings that pass more than just friends. now things between them are getting back to normal but they can't help but wonder about what-ifs.

frenemies: overall, they are nice to each other but sometimes there's always some subtle bickering between them. their relationship is very complicated, one day they could be best friends and the next one they could be plotting the other's murder. it's not the healthiest of friendship, but somehow they cannot give it up.

unlikely friends: when people see these two they can't help but to scratch their heads and wonder how the hell these two became friends? their personalities are like oil and water but somehow they've overcame that and they get along very nicely.

rivals: it's not a secret that colin always wants to be the smartest, but this person is always getting in the way of him receiving all the glory. while he doesn't hate them, he could do without them. 

ex: we can plot if they ended in good or bad terms.

one night stand: pretty straight forward. could have been a in the moment thing, alcohol could have been involved. they could either be acting as if it didn’t happen, or completely awkward around each other because of it.

#seasintro #ngl this turned out longer than i have expected #and it's word vomit #but please plooot with us

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #381

“don’t try to be the one person who has stayed just to say they never left me”

Do you feel bored with your life? Always. Do you miss anyone who was mean to you in the past? I sometimes miss Colleen, but I know it's for the better that we no longer associate with each other. What’s the most weight you’ve ever gained from a medication? I don't know, but a fuck of a lot. Thanks, Abilify. Have you ever been suicidal? Yes. Do you pray? If yes, to whom? No. What do you miss about high school? Memories with Jason. What do you miss the most about college? Socializing. What was the best date you’ve ever been on? A triple date to an arcade w/ Jason and friends. What’s the last great song you discovered? The most recent one? I don't know, really. Do you feel free to post how you feel on Facebook? Yeah. Don't like what I post, delete me. Have you ever done cocaine? Yikes, no thanks. Do you think you’ll ever get married? Do you want to? I sometimes wonder if I ever will. I'm scared of just continuing to be an unemployed leech that is doing nothing significant with her life, in which case it's like, why even be with me romantically. I feel like such a dead end street. I want to get married someday. Who do you care about the most? When it comes down to it, probably my mom. Have you ever made out on a couch? Yeah. Would you ever get gauged ears? I want small gauges, actually. When it comes to clothing, are you the conservative type? Yes, because I hate my body and don't want others to see it. Do you enjoy eating? I wish I didn't. Have you ever ridden in a race car? No. Do you go out of your way to impress the opposite gender? No. Do you enjoy history? Not really, no. It bores me. Are you a pajama person or do you stay dressed all day? I'm just about always in my pjs. Do you value looks or personality more? Personality is way more important. Have you ever changed religions? Yeah. Born Roman Catholic, converted to Christianity when I further understood the differences, then I went to how I am now: I believe in something(s), but I don't quite know what. I wouldn't call myself a Neo-Pagan, but it's what I relate most to. Would you ever wear fake eyelashes? I would for like, my wedding. Foo fighters vs. Red Hot Chili Peppers: I'm actually not a big fan of either. Are you a fan of the SAW movies? I don't really watch them. Do you ever forget how old your siblings are? My two immediate sisters, I'm sometimes a year off. All my others, yes. :x Mountain Dew or Sprite? Mountain Dew, of course. I really don't like Sprite now, which is ironic because as a kid, it was my favorite soda. Could you ever give yourself a shot? Yeah. Have you ever worked as a cashier? That was one of my duties when I worked at a dollar store. If you are on birth control that allows you take pills and skip your period, how often do you opt to skip it? How come? My birth control doesn't allow me to skip, but rather, it regulates it. Is there a book series where you loved the first book, but for some reason the other books in the series just didn’t measure up? I can't say that, no, as most series I just kinda fell out of, like The Hunger Games. LOVED the first book, started the second, and even though I was enjoying it, I just stopped for some reason? Are there any stores/restaurants that you would like to shop/eat at, but there aren’t any located near enough to you? Haha yeah, like lots of west coast fast food places like Jack n' the Box or however it's formatted. If you were told by a professional that you were unable to become pregnant, how would that affect you? Is there something important to you about conceiving a biological child rather than adoption? And finally, if you even want to have children, would you choose adoption or surrogacy or would you go on childless? I don't even want kids, so honestly, I'd be stoked if I learned I was infertile. Wouldn't need to worry about the chance of getting pregnant and facing an abortion dilemma. Is there something that you did not used to take seriously, that you either now take seriously or wish that you had in the past (e.g., a relationship that you miss, your education, etc.)? Hm. I don't know. Are there any subjects that you are interested in so much that you would read whole books or academic journals about them? Meerkats, especially. I will read EVERY scientific article about them I find. Are you physically affectionate with your friends? I'm a hugger. When you were in middle school and high school, did you witness a lot of bullying? How did the teachers react to name-calling or violence? Not really, thankfully. Are any of your friends/relatives actually impressive artists or writers? Are you willing to share an example of their work? Yeah. I have a cousin who's really good at drawing, and my sister is a wonderful cake decorator. Do you drink more apple or orange juice? Orange. Could you forgive your best friend for sleeping with your gf/bf? My hypothetical bf/gf, no. Would you ever donate blood? I have before, and I would again if I knew I was hydrated enough and the opportunity was right there. Would you rather drink coffee or tea? Ugh, neither. Do you get easily embarrassed? YES. How long was your longest make out? TMI alert, like all night. If the person who hurt you most said they’re sorry would you believe them? I honestly don't know. Do you have sensitive skin? Very. What color is your mum's car? White. Do you live in an apartment? No. Do you have a pet fish? Nope. Are you happy with your eye color? I wish they were a more sapphire blue. Solid soap bar or liquid body wash? Absolutely liquid body wash. What color do you want your dream car to be? Baby pink. *-* Do you have more then one favorite band? I say I do, but at the same time I know Ozzy Osbourne will ALWAYS be #1. Do you prefer being single or in a relationship? In a relationship. But it's absolutely not something I'm about to force just for the sake of being in one. Would you be really upset if Facebook ceased to exist tomorrow? Nah. Have you or would you try shark meat? No to both. Do you know anyone that's pescatarian? No. Someone I watch on YouTube is, though. Are you shy or over confident around your crushes? Super shy. Do you think the govt. has a cure for cancer, but is hiding it from public? Hell, I think it's very well possible, but I lean more towards for financial hoarding, they simply don't further pursue potential cures that are discovered. I mean, just THINK about all the "future cures" you've read or heard about. It's fucking outrageous. It's all to fuel the medical industry. Okay, tin hat coming off. Last time you drank a diet soda? A very long time ago, because diet soda gives me a massive headache. Was your ex born in America? Only one wasn't. Name your favorite type of music and why. Metal. I for one just like the sound, and I find it very therapeutic when I'm especially mad or sad. Even when I'm in a good mood, I just enjoy it. I also feel that a lot of metal songs tell interesting stories and/or have very poetic lyrics. Do you own or have you read, or thought of reading any self-help books? I haven't, but I've considered it. Can you breakdance? Definitely not. Have you ever read a book and not understood it? If so which one? Yes. We were assigned this one war novel in middle school that was FUCKING AWFUL, like I was checked out the whole time. I don't remember its name or anything. Have you ever watched a movie and not understood it? If so which one? Yes; the Warcraft movie I mentioned in a recent survey. Orcs and their fucking deep-ass voice that I couldn't understand. Do you blowdry your hair? No. Tell me about your dream last night. Omfgggggg y'all. So, there's one invert pet that I've never understood the keeping appeal of, and that's giant centipedes. Their bites are notoriously excruciating, and they are just SO goddamn fast. Well, for some godforsaken reason, I wanted one as a pet. Got one, and it immediately got loose. Guess who wanted to shit herself lmao. Centipedes are very cool, but only from a distance, ya feel? Have you ever stayed in a fancy high-class rich hotel? No. Have you ever stayed in a rent-by-the-hour motel? I don't think so. Describe the worst fight you’ve ever been in whether physical or verbal. I'm not entirely sure about my *worst*, but I know it was with Mom. We've had a few. Have you heated any food in your microwave today? Yeah, a shrimp alfredo Lean Cuisine bowl. Do you own any items of clothing with cartoon characters on them? Yes. Have you ever played Animal Crossing? No, it doesn't seem like my kinda game. Do you own anything (e.g jewelry, accessories) with your initial on it? Yes, but none of which I personally bought because I don't really like them. Do you own any cats or dogs? What are their names? I have a cat named Roman. <3 Have you added any books to your shelves lately? Which? No. Have you bought any new cosmetics or toiletries lately? Which? No. Do your pets have a specific type of food that they prefer? Roman will eat whatever cat food he's given, while Venus, like your average ball python, is a picky eater. Like when I first got her, she wouldn't eat for almost a year because I just couldn't find a method through which she'd accept food. Now she consistently takes frozen/thawed small rats that have actually sat in warm water (versus doing it by hand under running water), and she generally won't strike it unless it's offered to her by tongs, but not dangling by the tail. Picky, picky miss thang. What's your favourite variety of apple? I'm not very particular about flavor so long as the apple is crisp. I canNOT do soft apples. Which of your physical features do you receive the most compliments about? My hair.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''orchids'' by stone sour

[rainofaugustsith]

Character Bio Meme!

Thank you so much for the tag @chaoticspacelesbians​! This was fun! Tagging, let’s see, @tishinada​ @a-muirehen​ @metriorhynchus​ @dreamy04​ @verbose-vespertine​ NO PRESSURE! We know who always goes first...

GENERAL name :  Viridana Revarre Dragoi alias(es) :  Viri; Alliance Commander; Empress Wrath; Empire's Wrath; Lord Wrath; Lord Dragoi; Darth Viridana. Viri's childhood nickname from her parents was Vee. The Scions consider Viri to be the Demon Savior but she does not want to be called that. gender :  Female age :  Born in 3669 BBY, which makes her 41 as of the events of Onslaught and beyond. In Western zodiac she would be an Aries, which would place her birth in the spring. place of birth :  Coronet City, Corellia, spoken languages : Basic, High Sith, Sith, Huttese, Ryl, Naboo sexual orientation : Demisexual; prefers women, identifies as bisexual. occupation :   Alliance Commander.

APPEARANCE eye colour : Gold. hair colour : Natural blonde. height :  6'2" / 1.87m. scars : Viri gets most of her scars removed - she feels that she will not let her enemies permanently mark her. She has a few exceptions she has kept: - A long scar on her left cheek that dates from early childhood. She was angry, she blew up a speeder with the Force, and the debris hit her in the face. She kept the scar because her mother did the sutures. - Several scars on her back from the cave-in on Quesh where Darth Baras and Draahg tried to kill her. - A scar on her back from the explosion when Darth Marr's ship broke up during the confrontation with the Eternal Empire.

She also has a voluntary scar: The Mark of Union on her palm, which was cut by Lana as part of their Sith wedding ritual.

burns :  Viri gets most of her burns removed. She did keep a small portion of the burns she received from the Eternal Throne. When she sat down, the throne burned the backs of both legs. Viri kept a very small part of the burn on one of her calf muscles. overweight : Viri weighs close to 200lbs so if you put her into one of those silly BMI calculators she would technically come up as overweight. But she's a wall of muscle with very little body fat. underweight :  No

FAVOURITE colour :  Blue. music genre :  Electronica, techno, New Wave, happy goth. If she were on Earth she'd like bands like VNV Nation, Dee-Lite, Depeche Mode, Technotronic. tv show :  Happy and funny fare. Game shows, cartoons, documentaries about interesting scenic places and animals; silly sitcoms. Anything that can offer a distraction. food :  Cookies. drink :  Sugary, bubbly, or both - Sugar Rush, carbonated drinks; flavored water, juices. She also likes caf and she drinks it black which nobody can understand. book : Ancient Sith literature - poetry, legends, histories, plays, you name it; as well as modern writers who work in that genre. She also especially loves autobiographies and memoirs, especially from people who lead very different lives - pirates, scientists, dancers, you name it. Viri will even read a Jedi memoir if it's interesting.

HAVE THEY passed university :  Yes had sex :  Yes had sex in public :  Yes gotten pregnant :  No kissed a boy :  Yes kissed a girl :  Yes gotten tattoos :  Yes had a broken heart :  Yes been in love :  Yes stayed up for longer than 24 hours :  Yes

ARE THEY a virgin :  No a cuddler :  Yes if your name is Lana Beniko. She cuddles endlessly with Lana. She will also snuggle with her pets, and is huggy with Vette, but other than that, she's not a fan of touching people. a kisser :  Again, if your name is Lana, kissing is one of her favorite things. She can literally kiss Lana for hours. She HATES casual kisses with others and avoids them at all costs. scared easily :  No. It takes a lot to scare Viri. She's more likely to get angry. jealous easily : No. trustworthy :  Yes. If Viri promises something or makes an agreement with you, she actually will do everything in her power to keep it. And if you tell her something in confidence she will keep that secret for you. dominant :  If this refers to bed, not at all. She's not submissive, either. She and Lana generally take turns. Lana's more confident, and thus has the lead more often, but they don't consider each other in these terms. submissive :  See above. in love :  Yes single :  No

RANDOM QUESTIONS have they harmed themselves :  Yes. thought of suicide :  Yes attempted suicide :  No wanted to kill someone :  Yes, and she generally follows through if she feels that strongly. rode a horse : Yes - or rather, tauntauns, banthas, ice trompers, nexu, raptors, etc. have / had a job :  Yes have any fears :  Yes. As she confessed to the Dread Masters, her biggest fear is losing those close to her, or witnessing them being hurt or killed. Which of course is why Valkorion showed her visions of those things for all five years she was in carbonite.

FAMILY sibling(s) :  None. parents :  Viri's mother was Tullia Dragoi; her father was Andres Revarre. They were both respected scientists who alternated between working for the Imperial Science Service and private sector companies. Viri might have been born on Corellia, but she was born Imperial. Both of her parents wrote books and published numerous papers. During the war, they were both assigned to an Imperial cruiser for a time, and Viri was sent to live with her grandmother on Naboo. They both died on Taris at a research station when it was overrun with rakghouls. Both Tullia and Andres were bitten, as were several other scientists and Viri's Sith mentor, Darth Merwo. Without a vaccine, the troops killed all of them before they could change over to rakghouls. Viri was in Upper Academy at the time and was about 25 years old. Since they were Imperial officers, she was allowed to take a short leave and go to Dromund Kaas for their memorial service. children :  None. Viri (like me) is strongly childfree. She had her tubes tied the moment she turned 18. pets :  Numerous. Viri has a miniature nexu, Bolt; two sleen, Lou and Ri, a small flirron named Nick, a baby raptor named Boris; and the four exoboars she rescued from Vaylin's palace. She has also 'rescued' numerous injured animals from the Odessen wilderness. If they can't be returned to the wild, they live in the protected paddocks behind the Odessen base and are cared for, for life.  

#Viridana Dragoi #all about Viri #asks

[what-if-rpg]

Welcome to the family, MAUREEN! Your application to AURELIA BERKOV (FC: Victoria Justice) was accepted. We’re really happy to have you around! Make sure to read the beginners checklist, and remember, have fun! We can’t wait to roleplay with you! Have fun!

IN CHARACTER

CHARACTER NAME: Aurelia Berkov.  (First, Middle, Last) CHARACTER AGE & DATE OF BIRTH: 23 - February 18th OCCUPATION: Stripper FACE CLAIM: Victoria Justice HOMETOWN & CITY WHERE LIVES NOW: Born in Ohio - Lives in NY SEXUAL ORIENTATION & GENDER: Bisexual. Female. RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Divorced POSITIVE TRAITS: Empathetic, Humorous, Energetic NEGATIVE TRAITS: Naive, Impressionable, Impulsive CHARACTER QUOTE/LYRIC: Don’t you think nineteen is too young to be played by your dark twisted games, when I loved you so?

HEADCANONS

Aurelia Berkov grew up in Ohio with the textbook version of a picket fence life. Her family did not struggle financially, allowing Aurelia to live her entire childhood in the same house, and they were always happy to be in one another’s company. The Berkov family carried on through life with impenetrable happiness, and Andrei and Jillian Berkov felt that they had given their miracle all of the tips that their daughter would need in order to take the happy life that they had made for her, and turn it into a family of her own.

Lia married her childhood best friend and longtime boyfriend mere months after they had graduated high school. Unfortunately, over the four years that they were married, Henry became a fully functioning, abusive, alcoholic that isolated Aurelia from her friends and family. When she tried to reach out to them, the memories of how pure and beautiful their relationship had once been were too apparent in their minds to convince anybody that something serious was truly going on, and her concerns were written off as newlywed troubles. By the time he provided her with any proof of the physical abuse, she was too far distanced from anybody to feel safe confiding in somebody.

Henry never recovered from his alcoholism. One night, as Aurelia awaited the return of her husband in peril, she was met, instead, by a pair of police officers. They informed her that her husband had been in an accident, that he had ran his car into a tree, and died instantly. She was never offered a moment of peace after this event, as the entire town chose to rally behind their widow, mourning their favorite couple and forcing her to turn the relief she felt over his death into sadness and mourning to avoid questions.

Aurelia began to feel too suffocated living in the town where everything that she loved turned so to poison, so she began to search for job openings on the internet that would secure her the most funding possible to get her out on her own, landing on the position of a Stripper in New York. She had never seen herself being part of such a scene, but had been on her high school’s dance team for all four years, and it seemed like the club needed the space filled almost as bad as she needed the job.

CONNECTIONS

PARENTS: Angel and Jillian Berkov - They are incredibly close to their daughter, and never realized how much their relationship was changing, assuming she was just captivated with her husband, and that that was why they weren’t hearing from her. SIBLINGS/OTHER IMPORTANT FAMILY: No other siblings. Distant relatives could potentially pop up if somebody ever wanted to make one, but I don’t foresee that right now. BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND: Widowed. Married her childhood sweetheart who turned into an alcoholic and died in a car accident that he caused. CLOSE FRIEND: Henry, her now deceased husband, was always her closest friend.

#Aurelia Berkov #Victoria Justice #Accepted #Glee RP #Glee RPG #RP #RPG

[crystalcityrpg]

❝ I SAY IT’S PERFECTLY HEARTLESS YOUR EATING MUFFINS AT ALL, UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES. ❞

ALL ABOUT THEODORA 

NAME: Theodora Wilkes GENDER/PRONOUNS: CIS Female, She/Her DATE OF BIRTH: January 15th, 1975 BIRTH PLACE: Crystal City, New York CURRENT RESIDENCE: Pembrooke OCCUPATION: Boss of the Wilkes family FACE CLAIM:Charlize Theron

BIOGRAPHY

Trigger Warnings: Violence, Death

It was a foggy January night when Theodore Wilkes came running into his home drenched from head to toe, pale and shaking in fear. Time sat still behind a layer of dusty thin glass; the clock’s pointer moved with no sound at its own pace, with little concern for the world outside. The man’s steps were careful, not daring to disturb the ghostly silence plaguing the hallways, almost tangible. Droplets of snow flowed down the glass panels, and particles of dust danced in the air when he opened the door of the master’s bedroom, relief apparent on his face. His darling wife sat on the blood-stained bed, trusted maids and guards watching the scene with wide eyes. In her eyes, disgust could be found. Gently, he retrieved the cold bundle from her arms, a finger touching a rosy cheek. "Oh, dearest,“ he whispered, blue eyes glued to striking green ones, ”look at the mess you’ve made.“

Theodora Beatrice Wilkes shed no tears during that cold January night. No cries or whimpers left the newborn’s mouth, causing the assigned maids and nurses to watch the baby with bated breath. Theodora, in turn, remained motionless, taking in her new surroundings. The heavy layer of silence was shattered only when morning came; a piercing cry woke staff and residents alike, all rushing to the nursery. "What a strange child,” some dared whisper, cowering and scattering when lady Beatrix Wilkes entered the room, accompanied by her nurse. The child’s cries subside when her mother picked her up, but there was no much of warmth in lady Beatrix’s eyes when she gazed at her daughter.

”‘Tis just the Wilkes way, poppet,“ her mother clicked her tongue one evening when she saw tears being to well up in Theodora’s eyes, her hand holding her daughter’s chin, nails piercing the skin. “You are a Wilkes, Theodora. Behave like one.”

Beatrix, however, had never been a Wilkes — in marriage only, and it was all that mattered in the end, she thought — and blood runs deep, in the Wilkes family. Thicker than melted gold, as the saying goes. Lady Beatrix had played her cards just right, a master at manipulation the woman was, but it was never enough. She might have led Theodore into many decisions he would have not taken had she not been there, many believing she would the true leader of the family by pulling the strings so obviously wrapped around her husband like barbed wire, but it wasn’t sufficient. The daughter meant to be a son was cursed with Wilkes blood, rotten to its very core. She tried to shape the girl to her liking, into a version of what she thought would be best for the family, but the girl had too much of her grandfather in her, proud as her cheekbones and strong as the danger swirling in the green of her eyes. As days turned into years, it had been apparent who would take over once Alexander allowed Death to fetch him from his empire. A child then, and the weight of the world had been shoved onto her shoulders, much to her mother’s despair. Not worried about the child, no. But the woman grieved for everything she would not get to be.

Theodora Beatrice — Beau to the numerous cousins and the masses, as a shortening for the mouthful of a name her mother insisted she used in wholly, taking immense joy in the way the woman would flinch whenever the nickname was spoken — had not been a girl of many friends. How could one be, when one is prone to violence and arrogance? No. Boarding school and later homeschooling was filled with courtyard fights but perfect scores, perfect enough for professors and tutors alike to ignore the blood under Theodora’s nails, the way her smiles showed too many sharp teeth. Loneliness had never been much of a worry for Theodora — not with her cousins and other preoccupations filling her brain. It had never bothered her, the lack of meaningful connections, but one could not trust those outside family, her grandfather had always told her when he would allow her to sit on his chair, and she would repeat it like a mantra when solitude threatened to become a problem.

It never reared its ugly head, however, for Theodora always found ways to entertain herself when boredom would hit. Drink, smoke, hook up with women who knew no better, many choices were taken that her dear mother did not approve, but her father? Oh, the man felt proud of her. Theodora was much like Theodore were when he was her age, and despite the betrayal of knowing his own daughter had shortened his chances of taking his father place, he knew she would fare much better than him or his siblings. Her personality left much to be desired by the public outside of the family, but to the Wilkes? Oh, Theodora fit in perfectly.

She commanded the room when needed, disappeared in the background when she wished, knew how to pull and push with force enough to destroy, and on top of it all, she was her mother’s daughter, and by heavens, how Theodora knew to manipulate and play the game. She was far from perfect, even by the Wilkes standards, but to be the leader? Oh. Theodore knew none of them could’ve done it better. The lack of empathy, the heavy fists, and demanding voice, it was all there. And loyalty? — Theodora would never betray her family, of that they were certain, just as one is certain the sun will rise and water will leave you wet. Theodora would rather die than throw one of hers under the bus — a fact that was proven when the girl was taken by a rival family and was returned with too many wounds and broken bones, but a fire in her eyes that refused to go out.

So when Alexander Wilkes perished, weak and fragile and old in his deathbed, leaving behind a trail of sins —deeply ingrained in the walls of his luxurious villa, in his office and company — he left behind the young and bewildered Theodora Beatrice Wilkes, no one hesitated when setting her down onto his chair and placing the crown upon her head. Too young now, perhaps, but we can wait, aunt and uncles said, when the girl was packed off to college and extra classes.

The Wilkes heir, Beau Wilkes — as she was known to the public, Theodora saved for family only and the very rare souls she dared to care about — was barely ever seen publicly. Everyone knew of her existence, of course, but unlike her parents, who were fond of throwing lavish parties and grand charity events, Theodora kept to the shadows, her face in no magazine or newspapers. She preferred it this way, this fake anonymity she had created in her refusal to take pictures, for it allowed her moments of peace in between the turmoil she often created. It allowed her to slip in and out when necessary, to check new business partners under the guise of an assistant, and much more. It allowed her to be a ghost, forever haunting the Berk-Morgan family. A war was unacceptable, she had been advised, no matter how much her fingers twitched to give the command and end the other family, but her somewhat secrecy allowed Theodora to tease and taunt the other family when she fully took over after college, enough to give her any sort of enjoyment.

Four decades had passed since that chilly November night, and since Theodora Beatrice first graced this world. For twenty years she has been leading the Wilkes family, carving her name in history and in the hearts of those forever living in fear. Loyal to only her family, Theodorais a woman who knows what has to be done and is not afraid of doing it. She has murdered for more than she can count, has dipped her fingers into trading and races and any sort of business one could imagine, had played the game in her favor more times anyone bothered to keep tabs. She has slipped, has cared deeply for people she had to put down in the name of the family, and has had very little time for regrets in her forty-five years of life. Since that fateful day her grandfather died, Theodora has been setting this world on fire with no second thoughts. The woman is tactless, arrogant, prone to teasing, and manipulating poor souls just for the fun of it, and she is not an easy person to deal with. She has spent the past years across the pond, commanding her empire from far away. — A partial lie, for Theodora has been coming and going as she wishes, spending weeks on her flat in London, and weeks in Crystal City without people knowing of her arrival. So when the head of the Wilkes family threw a public ball to announce her return, timed just right and giving a heartfelt speech,it had been a message, one she hopes has been clear enough; I’m back. Lock your doors and prepare your weapons.

#pembrooke #theodora wilkes #jennifer connelly #all

[ofxlanie]

meltdowns and revelations || spencer and lanie

spencer and lanie discuss their feelings 

@jfcspencer

ev11/10/2020

lanie wasn't in the mood to deal with a meltdown so late at night, so she just let lyric continue having her fit. she would let spencer handle it. she got lyric's things together quickly and picked up lucina from the pack and play. the poor baby had been trying to sleep for nearly an hour, but lyric's cries were too loud and made lucina upset as well. "come on, lyric, we're going to you're daddy's house." she made sure her tone was final and held her hand out for lyric to take. she was a little shocked that actually worked, but she didn't let her face show it. the drive to spencer's didn't take long and she shot him a quick text to let him know what was going on. she got the kids out of the car and let lyric lead them to the front door where she rang the doorbell. "you gonna tell daddy why you're crying or do i have to," she looked down at lyric who had just decided that was going to set her off even more. lanie tried to smooth her hand over lyric's hand, but the toddler only smacked her hands away, "hey, we don't hit!" lanie exclaimed. "you are not acting how big sisters are supposed to act." lanie was obviously frazzled and definitely needed help in this moment.

actual trash11/10/2020

spencer was currently kid free, usually he wasn’t since he had gotten back with frankie and he was always around her daughter and their son but tonight was different. he laid around the house or was working on new music for the band. taking a beer out of the fridge and popped it open, making his way towards the living room where his playstation was set up and he was able to play his games. it was quiet and he wasn’t focused on listening out for the kids, he was all on the game until he felt his phone buzz in his pocket from lanie. his eyes scanned over the message, putting his controller down and drinking his beer. lyric was having one of her meltdowns and soon his door bell was rung. the cries got louder as he shut off the game and got to the front door. he could hear lanie tell their daughter not to hit her and the opened the door wide. “lyric serenity stone,” spencer announced out looking down at the puffy face toddler. he had to use his more stern and powerful voice. “why are you hitting your mom? you apologize right now to her,” but the small one shook her head. “come here,” he bent down and swooped the toddler in his arms even though she kept sobbing. “all this because she has siblings?” he patted her back and looked at lanie. “come in before the neighborhood thinks we’re up to no good,” he chuckled out, stepping aside.

ev11/10/2020

lanie was so relieved when spencer opened the door. she was at her wits end and just wanted the crying to stop. it was times like these that proved how hard being a single parent was, and she was so glad she had spencer on her team. even if they annoyed the hell out of each other, they had each other's backs. it wasn't often she heard spencer use a tone that stern and it apparently didn't work on their daughter either. "yeah. that's it," she sighed and followed him inside the house. "i was working on plans for the gender reveal and she was helping me pick out decorations and all of a sudden she started to have a melt down because she doesn't want any siblings," she shook her head. "lu's been trying to sleep for an hour now, i can't get lyric to stop crying," she exhaled forcefully and sat down on spencer's couch. "hell, i'm about to start crying at this point," she laughed. lanie rubbed lucina's back to hopefully get her to fall asleep. "i didn't know what else to do than to come here."

actual trash11/10/2020

spencer knew what it was like when their daughter had her meltdowns, they were loud and long until she usually passed out from crying or spencer distracted her with something. he will never forget when she had her first one ever and he was alone, he had no idea what to do that he actually cried himself then called his mom. lyric’s cries wouldn’t stop as he set her down on the floor but she wanted him to pick her up again. “lyric, hey now,” sighed the man as he bent down and the toddler wrapped her arms around him. “lyric, listen, you’re a big sister now. you’ve been one for awhile now and you’re great at it. we can’t return the baby in mum’s belly, we can’t return lucina and we can’t return blaze. you’re a going to teach the new baby how to play video games with us. we can dye their hair when they get older,” he winked at lanie. lyric shook her head and pouted. “it’s going to be okay thing two, i promise.” the small one sniffled pulling back but kept the tears rolling. slowly starting to calm down. “now before you go up stairs, i want you to apologize to your mum for hitting her. i taught you better than that serenity, it’s not nice to hit people and it’s getting closer to christmas so santa is watching you. go say sorry right now.” he nodded towards lanie and watched as the girl kept rubbing her eyes and slowly walked towards her mother. her voice was small and tired but she whispered out. “i’m sorry mommy.” and spencer spoke up. “for?” he stood up from his spot on the floor. “for hitting you.” he smiled. “good girl baby,” he cooed out. “go lay down in your room, no video games when you get back next week.” he told her, he noticed another pout. “ill think about it.” he shook his head and sat down on the couch. “honestly you can come here anytime she has one. the middle name always works when she’s in trouble.” he told her.

ev11/10/2020

lanie watched almost in awe while spencer spoke to lyric and helped her calm down. the two of them had such a strong bond and it was very clear for anyone to see. it was times like these that she was reminded of how good a dad spencer was. though, she never really had any doubts about that, no matter how much he annoyed her. lanie felt so relieved as she watched lyric's cries start to quiet and eventually stop altogether. she couldn't even bring herself to roll her eyes at spencer's hair dying comment. she placed lucina (who was finally asleep) on the couch next to her and carefully wrapped lyric up in a hug. "it's okay, angel. i know big emotions are hard and scary. go get some sleep and we'll try for a good tomorrow," she whispered before letting her go to her room.  lanie fell back against the couch once lyric was up the stairs and turned to face her ex, "thanks, bud," she smiled. "and i'll have to remember that, but i don't think my mom voice will ever be as good as your dad voice. i think that would even scare me," she laughed softly. "but really, thank you so much. i don't think i could do this parenting thing alone. the fact that you did for a while blows my mind, spence."

actual trash11/10/2020

“you can lay lucina in blaze’s rocker, i haven’t packed it yet because i can’t figure out how to take it apart,” the man lightly laughed out as he stood up and moved the black device from the corner closer to them. “also here is a blanket to wrap her up in,” he made his way over to the clean black blanket on the couch. “as you can tell, i raise my kids to be punk rock,” holding up the blanket to show the skulls on it. spencer sat back down on the couch, rubbing his face lightly before leaning back into his couches. “it took some time before it got to that deep roughness but i’m here for you, we’re in this together. either you like me or not,” he told her smiling. spencer gave it some thought, they never really talked about the past and what had happened. he did it for awhile all by himself, touring and being in the public eye. he could recall the countless sleepless nights with lyric, the bad and good days, the days where he felt like a failure as a father and so much more. he loved blaze but lyric is the apple of his eye, he didn’t have anyone but her. “it was... something,” he nodded his head before looking over at her. spencer could recall all the emotions he felt against lanie during and after lyric’s birth.

ev11/10/2020

"thanks," she smiled and carefully picked lucina up from the couch and put her in the rocker and placed the blanked over her. "she's gonna get a good sleep," she chuckled before returning to her spot on the couch. "i wouldn't expect anything less from you. your brand really isn't cars and princesses," she shrugged. lanie nodded her head slowly, "well, i do like you. in case that's ever a question that runs through your head. you annoy me more than any person on this planet, but i know you're a good guy and an even better dad and that's all that matters," she smiled. lanie tried to not think about when she wasn't in lyric's life. the decision to walk away wasn't easy at all, but she couldn't be the mom that lyric deserved. she needed to grow and learn how to be an adult. she would spend the rest of her life thanking spencer for allowing her back into their daughters life if she had to. "do you ever think about how things would be now...if...if things happened differently between us? after lyric was born?" she asked softly, looking down at her hands. "i don't think there will ever be a day that i don't regret not being there."

actual trash11/10/2020

the aussie nodded his blonde head with a small smile. “oh yeah, blaze’s big head definitely filled it out so it’s nice and comfy for her plus she was ready to pass out at any moment so it’s perfect,” he told her. his smile grew, it was true, he didn’t care for cars or anything else that his friends might like. his kids were all about video games and anything spencer liked, he didn’t force it on them. he always let them pick and it ended up being something pretty hardcore. “well, i like you too and annoying you so i think it’s a fair deal if you ask me,” he laughed out. “besides if i didn’t like you then i wouldn’t have another baby with you,” he told her. “thanks buddy,” he playfully nudged her shoulder. spencer knew why lanie had walked away from lyric those years ago and anyone could tell that he was very upset, hurt, angry and all different types of emotions during that time. he was far from being an adult himself but he had to grow up quick and fast either he liked it or not. when she walked back into their lives, he was truly unsure about it even happening but he knew that lyric needed and wanted her mother. it was the best choice he ever made. his eyes scanned down to his hands as she asked to the question. spencer always wondered about a what if? “yeah, i did.. i always thought that somehow we would probably end up together, to be honest with you.” he told her honestly, looking over at her. “you’re here now,” he added, leaning over and resting his hand on hers. “i know you missed out on a lot but you’re making it up by being here now for her. all the milestones, you’re having those now with lucina and we get the experience them together with this nugget.” he smiled reaching over to place his hand on her stomach.

ev11/10/2020

"you gotta stop saying that kid has a big head," she laughed. "he'll grow into it eventually. but yeah, she was fighting sleep hard. i might crash here if that's okay? i dont want to wake her up and deal with a cranky baby," she sighed. lanie nodded her head and smiled at him, "yeah, i think so too. honestly, though. i don't think i could have another kid with anyone other than you. we made a pretty awesome kid. meltdowns, included," she winked. she could only imagine the thoughts running through his head right then. even though it wasn't that long ago when lyric was born, it felt like a lifetime. she was a completely different person now than she was then. she knew it wasn't fair to lyric or spencer that she left and all the reasons she left were selfish ones, but there was nothing she could do now to change that. "yeah..me too," she said softly. "why didn't you ever try to stop me? i don't think i could have left if i knew you wanted me to stay," she admitted quietly. "but you just let me go." lanie had never told spencer that before. she never liked to talk about her leaving and her reasons for leaving. it hurt too much. "you're right. i'm here now," she smiled and moved her hand to lacer her fingers with his. "i can't wait to see what this little babe turns out to be," she hummed. "i kind of hope it's a boy."

actual trash11/10/2020

spencer let out a laugh as she let one out but he shook his head at her words. “nope, he has a huge head. he is my big head kid. yeah, you can have my bed for the night. blaze has a bassinet up there so you can move lucina when you’re ready for bed. my old guest room is now blaze’s room so i had to get rid of everything but thank god for moving,” he chuckled out lightly. the male looked over at her with soft kind smile. “we really did, she’s one badass cookie. although she doesn’t want to admit it either but she is an amazing big sister even though she wants to return them,” he shook his head lightly. spencer always knew that one day that he and lanie would have this talk and he wasn’t sure when it was coming or if it’s ever going go come but here it was. he saw the change in her when she came back into their lives, she was glowing and looked amazing. hearing that she thought about their what if future together actually made his heart sank. he had no idea. “i didn’t know if you wanted me or wanted me too. we got into this arrangement and it was physical. i didn’t know if you had actual feelings for me like i did for you,” he admitted, looking over at her. “you wanted to go so i let you go because one, i was upset and two, you weren’t ready,” he sighed. “i didn’t know you wanted me to fight for you or else i would have went right after you.” the male pressed his lips together but they released when she intertwined their fingers over her bump. “i wonder who they’re going to look like more, me or you. lyric is the perfect mixture of us, she has your nose, your facial features but my eyes,” he grinned, his thumb rubbing her belly gently. “me too, what should we name them? spencer jr?”

ev11/10/2020

"well, this kid better not have a big head, because i will not be nice when i'm pusing it out," she grimaced. "you don't have to give up your bed. your couch is more than enough. i will take most of your pillows, though," she chuckled. "how's the move going? did you find a place yet?" she was still a little anxious about him moving, but it was good to know he'd be staying close. "she's really the best big sister. our kids are lucky to have her. we're lucky to have her," she smiled. lanie sometimes couldn't believe how awesome their kid turned out to be. she could feel the anxiety growing in her stomach as they talked about the past and their feelings. she never knew spencer had feelings for her either. things probably would have turned out a lot different if they both knew they were hiding their feelings. "of course i wanted you to fight for me, spencer," she whispered. she swallowed before she looked up at him, "i would have stayed if you told me to." she sighed and chewed on the inside of her cheek for a second, "we cant change the past now. and we're both...happy. right?" she didn't realize how loaded that question would feel before she asked it out loud. she really didn't think she could even answer that question. she cleared her throat, "i think they'll be a good mix, too. just like you. you look exactly like both of your parents. it's crazy," she smiled. "no, not spencer junior," she rolled her eyes. "we gotta do a music name though. it sucks that your last name is stone, because rock would be a bad ass name."

actual trash11/10/2020

the australian laughed out once more at his ex’s words. “i can’t help it, my kids have big heads for a weird reason,” he held up his hands in defense smiling like crazy. shaking his head, he refused her words. “nonsense, sinclair, you can have my bed. it’s a lot more comfortable than the couch, i can tell you that much. plus i have tons of pillows, just save me one,” he chuckled out. he actually forgot for a second that he was moving into another house. it was such a change since he had been in this house since lyric was born. “so far so good. we did, it’s a nice house, huge and i even have a place to make into my gaming room so i can hid away from everyone.” he hummed out, looking down at their hands as he spoke. he didn’t move his hand, he didn’t feel the need too. spencer was truly happy to have lanie back in his and lyric’s life. “she really is. we really are so lucky to have that wild child in our lives. i wouldn’t trade her for anything,” he said. the bond he shared with his oldest child was so close and tight. when she was home, she was glued to his hip and never wanted to leave. spencer’s stomach was turning into knots while they spoke of their unspoken feelings for each other and their past. things would have been so different if they just had better communication like they had now. “i’m so sorry lanie,” spencer replied back in a soft whisper, his thumb kept rubbing her belly gently. “if i wasn’t such an idiot then we would have years together,” he looked towards her, meeting her eyes. slowly he nodded his head and didn’t say anything out loud. he did love frankie, he still had love for lanie. he couldn’t say anything in that moment. “are you happy, lanie?” asked the male, maybe he shouldn’t have asked but it just slipped from his lips and heavy heart. spencer’s smile formed back on his lips. “it’s the stone genes, get ready for that big head,” teased the male. “you think so? i think i look like my mum more.” he laughed. “rock stone? that does sound weird.”

ev11/10/2020

"i'm just gonna throw out a 'rest in peace' for your hand right now, because it's gonna get crushed. you already know i've got a mean grip," she chuckled. as much as she wanted to argue and make him let her take the couch, she knew it was pretty much impossible to win that argument. "fine, but if your back hurts tomorrow, don't blame me," she shrugged. "that's great, spence. moving can be cathartic in weird ways and sad in others. i guarantee you'll cry at least once when you're packing everything up," she smiled. she had always loved moving. it was nice to have a fresh start every once in a while. "i wouldn't either. she's my whole world," she smiled. the entire time she was gone, lanie felt like there was a hole in her heart. like something was missing. when she got lyric back (and spencer) she felt whole again. she didn't think that would have ever been possible. "don't be sorry. you didn't know. how could you have known?" she wasn't the greatest at showing her emotions back then. "we can't change anything now. being sad about it won't fix anything," she spoke softly. lanie moved spencer's hand over to where she felt the baby moving, "good thing about third pregnany, i can feel them move a lot sooner than i could with lyric," she smiled. his question almost took her breath away and she couldn't look at him. she knew she'd start crying if she was looking at him while she answered that question. "i don't know. i know i'm supposed to be. sometimes i feel like i've given my heart to the wrong people. and it's shouting at me to take it home, but it's home is already full and there's no room for it anymore," she sniffled. she hadn't expected this night to bring up so many feelings she hadn't faced in a long time. "you look a lot like your mom, you're right, but sometimes you look exactly like your father," she smiled. "yeah, that's not a good combination. we'll figure out the perfect name, though."

actual trash11/10/2020

“ah, please do. can we have a funeral right after? like one thing dies and our baby is born, it’s the circle of life,” mused out the tall blonde male, smiling over at his ex. there was no way that spencer was going to allow lanie to take the couch over his bed, it wasn’t going to happen. she had the kids and was pregnant, he couldn’t let her do that at all. “listen if i gotta squeeze onto lyric’s toddler bed then i would,” he laughed out. “i don’t know what that word means but if i cry, i’m pinching you when i see you next,” the male wagged his finger in her direction. “mine too, just don’t tell big head.” he whispered over to lanie. truthfully spencer really did miss his ex while she was away from him and their daughter but he did have lyric and she looked exactly like lanie. she acted like her mother, she was just like her mother so in many ways, she wasn’t really gone away from him and that always filled the emptiness in his heart when she left. “if i wasn’t such a horny teenager,” he mumbled out, he always let his teenage hormones get the way of things. “plus i mean.. look at me back then and you, you deserved so much better than me.” he always feared the rejection of the what if she didn’t feel the same way. he didn’t want to look like an idiot but he really felt like one right now. “you’re right,” he nodded his head. the smile reappeared when she moved his hand over to where their growing baby was kicking, he loved this stage. he always found it so amazing that the babies could do that. his favorite pass time was talking to the baby while they were still in the stomach. his eyes were fixed on their hands but he gazed up when she actually answered his question. he didn’t have the courage to answer her. “lanie,” spencer hand rested on her cheek, wiping his thumb on her cheek. hearing her voice, he could feel the tears sting his eyes. home was full, his heart broke even more and his stomach sank. “and you look always so stunningly gorgeous,” smiled spencer.November 11, 2020

ev11/11/2020

"you know what, i'm gonna try my hardest to be nice to your hand because the thought of you getting out of diaper duty because you've only got one hand, doesn't fly with me," she laughed. "so, don't plan that funeral yet." she was usually all for a fight with spencer over something as trivial as who got the bed or who got the couch, but she was too exhausted. "i would actually pay to see you squeeze onto her bed," she laughed. "when something is cathartic it feels good for your soul. it makes you feel...lighter, almost. like when you're driving down a road with the person you love the most and there's not another car in sight? that kind of peace but for your soul," she smiled. "but if you don't cry while you're moving, you'll definitely cry when our little bean is born." lanie always wondered if spencer missed her as much as she missed him when she left. she was pretty sure every relationship she had after she left, she was searching for someone that reminded her of him. someone who could fill the hole he left in her heart. no one fit quite right, though. "i think we were both just horny teenagers who didn't know what we were doing. isn't that how your song goes? too young, too dumb to know things like love?" she quoted. "don't say that, spencer. you deserved someone who wouldn't walk away," she wiped a tear from her cheek. she looked up at him and her eyes flooded with tears when she saw that his were watery, "i'm sorry," she whispered. lanie took a shaky breath and placed her hand over his, "god, why does this hurt so much?"

actual trash11/11/2020

“nope, we already said it we are going to do a funeral for my hand, no taking it back,” the man shook his blonde fringe locks while he grinned down at his ex. it was only fair that lanie took over his bed and he settled down onto the couch for the night. she was the one carrying the baby and he rather deal with the back pain than her. “i would breaks her bed once my foot goes on it,” he laughed out. spencer nodded his head while he listened to her explain to him the word he had no clue what it was. “oh,” was all he was able to say at the thought. “i might, i cried when lyric was born and i cried when blaze and his big head was born,” he smiled over at her. spencer missed lanie like no tomorrow when she left him and lyric, he missed hearing her laugh, he missed laying in bed with her after a wild night, he missed the contact, just everything about her, he truly missed about her. he had lyric though, she was a perfect little lanie. she grew up to be more like him but she was lanie in many other ways. he had countless other women in his life but none compared to lanie. he let out a small weak chuckle, nodding his head. “that my feet don’t dance like they did with you,” he hummed out while he quoted the last lyric of the song, ghost of you. he never realized how much that song related to them until she said something about it. “i don’t know about that, it’s happened twice to me now,” he shrugged his shoulders gently. his thumb gently ran over lanie’s soft cheek while he sighed out and let a few tears escape from his eyes and down his pink cheeks. “i don’t know,” he sighed out. “don’t say sorry to me. you’re always right here,” he brought up her other hand to his chest, over his heart before bringing up her hand to place a gentle kiss on it.November 12, 2020

ev11/12/2020

“you just don’t want to change diapers,” she laughed. “i guess you’re lucky we don’t live together because a fair diaper duty trade off won’t be possible in different houses. how are we gonna do that, by the way?” she hadn’t really thought about how a custody arrangement works with a newborn. lanie wasn’t sure she would be able to spend a night away from her baby. not again. she couldn’t stand to go through that pain again. “i don’t think more than half of you would fit on it,” she teased. “i think it’s impossible to not cry when a baby is born. i cry when i watch birth vlogs and i don’t even know the people! it’s just such a special moment.” lanie wished more than anything she could go back to when lyric was born and the months leading up to when she eventually left. she would regret her choice for the rest of her life. lanie smiled sadly when spencer finished the lyric where she left off. she wondered how many lyrics he had written about them and the pain she caused him. “what do you mean it’s happened twice?” she asked quietly. she stopped caring about being embarrassed about crying in front of him and just let her tears flow freely. her heart hurt too bad to hide it and she needed to let it out. she had been keeping those feelings to herself for far too long. lanie took a shaky breath, “you’re always in my heart too,” she whispered. lanie closed the space between them and hid her face in his neck. she always felt safe and secure when she was close to him.November 13, 2020

actual trash11/13/2020

“you know me too well,” grinned spencer while he looked back to lucina asleep in his son’s swing. he couldn’t believe that he was going to have another child with lanie, he actually never thought they would have more children together. let alone do it this way. all jokes aside, when he got into that fight with frankie about donating his sperm to lanie in las vegas and she walked out on him. he was so close to going and visiting the beautiful brunette before him. spencer didn’t know what would come of it but he wasn’t sure where she even was.  “well, i was thinking of maybe spending some nights with you when they come home. then maybe trade off like we do with lyric when they are a few weeks old but til then i can always come over and stay the night.” he told her, a small shrug formed on his shoulders while he spoke. he didn’t want to force a arrangement right after she and the baby came home, it wouldn’t be right. “you baby,” he teased her. spencer bit down on his lower lip before looking down at his hands. “frankie left too, ya know. she broke up with me shortly after we had blaze and left. granted i still saw my son but i rarely saw her,” he sighed out. he didn’t want to get too deep in that. it was hard enough that his old emotions were rising up and they were crying in front of each other. if only he had known and spoken up, his life would be so much different than it is now. spencer wrapped his around lanie, bringing her closer to him once she hid her face in his neck. it was true, she will always be in his heart no matter what they were doing in life. “i’m sorry,” he muttered once more, bringing his hand up to lift her chin up. his eyes scanned her facial features, he wiped her tears with his thumbs. spencer was now cupping her face, he slowly leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss against her lips. for the first time in almost three, almost four years.

ev11/13/2020

“you’re kind of the person i know best in this crazy town,” she smiled sheepishly. life was weird in a lot of ways and ended up in places lanie least expected. she never thought her life’s journey would take her where she currently was - pregnant with spencer’s baby. again. but she was so happy about it. it felt like a second chance. “i think that would work just fine,” she smiled. “i don’t wanna keep the baby from you but, yeah, i don’t think i’m gonna be able to be away from them for a good chunk of time.” lanie didn’t know that frankie had left him too. she knew their relationship was rocky at times, but she didn’t know that bit of information. her heart hurt for him. spence was one of the best guys she knew and he deserved the best. “i didn’t know that. i’m sorry,” she squeezed his shoulder. lanie was prepared to hide in the crook of spencer’s neck while she cried until she couldn’t anymore. she wasn’t expecting spencer to make her look at him, “you don’t have anything to be sorry about,” she exhaled. it took lanie a second to register that his lips were on hers. she knew she should have pulled away as soon as it happened, but she couldn’t help but to let her lips linger against his. kissing him felt like magic. it felt familiar. all of the sad and scared thoughts that we’re running through her head stopped and she let herself enjoy the fleeting moment.November 14, 2020

actual trash11/14/2020

“this place can get a bit crazy, huh?” he grinned towards the woman. hidden hills is a place where everyone knew everyone. the had their own little world where the paps couldn’t get them unless they flew over which was pretty rare but it still happened. “i think we can work that out. it’ll be fun, you can sleep and i’ll stay up with the little big head.” he chuckled out while he spoke. he shrugged his shoulders a bit. “dont apologize for it. you had nothing to do with it. shit happens,” he sighed out. feeling his lips against lanie’s, he felt a mixture of many emotions. joy, guilt and many more but yet he couldn’t pull himself to pull away just yet. his hands traveled down to her neck, pulling her closer to his body. slowly spencer pulled away from her lips, he knew that he shouldn’t have done it but it was the heat of the moment and truthfully he didn’t regret it. “lanie... i - i,” he stuttered, unsure what to say. what could he say? he just kissed his ex while they were both in relationships with other people.

ev11/14/2020

"it really can," she agreed. she still found it a little hard to believe how they had managed to find a place that felt like a small town in such a big city. she couldn't complain, though. she loved living in hidden hills. it was practically paradise. "you gotta stop saying they're gonna have a big head," she pouted. "i don't want to have pregnancy dreams about giving birth to an abnormally large headed baby." lanie always had weird dreams when she was pregnant. when she was pregnant with lyric, she dreamed that she gave birth to nine cats. when she was pregnant with lucina, she dreamed that she gave birth to a pink baby. she was not looking forward to the weird birth dreams at all. "i am sorry, though. you don't deserve that. no one does." when spencer finally pulled away, lanie shook her head and looked up at him, "please don't say anything. don't..ruin this moment. please," she whispered. she didn't want to think about the rest of the world or consequences. she didn't want their perfect, private moment to be ruined by the real world. "please...just don't, spencer."

[qobiin]

when i fill them, they’ll shine forever | ch 2

pairing: todobakudeku (bakugou x midoriya x todoroki)

genre: angst, fluff | abo au, growing up au, canon-compliant 

warnings: swearing, puberty, trans male character, gender dysphoria, blood 

word count: 4035 

summary: Katsuki being an omega from birth changes a few things. 

chapter two of when i fill them, they’ll shine forever 

Katsuki wakes up to blood spilling between his legs one morning when he is twelve.

He ends up burning the sheets and searing a hole into his carpet once he realizes what is going on.

His mom yells at him about it, but it’s half-hearted at best. Eventually, she sighs and disappears from his doorway before returning with something purple gripped tight in her hand. She gives him the pad and he looks at the stupid flowers covering it, wanting to scream. He wants to kick and yell and bite and cry.

His life is the fucking worst.

Deku catches onto his bad mood as soon as Katsuki has stepped out the front door but he says nothing as they walk to school. Katsuki would prefer it if he did though, at least it would stop him from getting irritated by feeling Deku’s eyes on him the entire fucking day.

Katsuki’s mood drops during the lunch hour when he has to change his pad and almost has a breakdown right there in the girl’s bathroom. He gets a grip on himself quickly though, absolutely refusing to cry in public. When he emerges from the bathroom - double-checking that no one saw him - and makes his way to their usual table, Deku is already there waiting for him.

His alpha still doesn’t say a word as he sits down, just puts a lunch box in front of him and starts to eat from his own. Katsuki feels like he’s going to vomit, but he pushes his rolling nausea down and brightens considerably once he catches sight of the leafy greens, pomegranate seeds and meat that Auntie Inko prepared for him. There are two rice balls as well, but compared to the six that Deku has in his lunch, it’s not a lot. Which is exactly how Katsuki likes it.

He digs his phone out of his pocket and sends a thank you text to Auntie before he begins to eat.

Deku finishes first and quickly packs up his lunch box. From there, it is almost impossible to ignore Deku’s staring.

“What?” Katsuki asks between bites of his rice ball.

“Do you wanna get ice cream with me after school?”

Katsuki blinks, taken by surprise. “No.”

Deku frowns. “But you’re not busy today, so why not?”

“Because,” Katsuki starts with, mumbling the rest of his sentence.

“Huh?”

Katsuki takes in a deep breath and makes sure his voice is steady. “Because I can’t have dairy products for the next couple of days. Or spicy food. Or caffeinated things.”

Silence greets him, allowing him to drown in nervousness, but it doesn't last for long.

“Okay. Let’s go to the store and buy some fruit instead. I bet Mom will prepare it all for us if we ask nicely,” Deku pipes up, one sole finger tapping against his chin. “If not, then it would be a great time for me to learn. I know you avoid chocolate, but let’s get some of that too. Dark chocolate and bananas sound good, don’t they?”

“I guess,” Katsuki mumbles, picking at his food. “I don’t care.”

Deku hums. “Do you need any aspirin? We could pick that up at the store too if we need to. Or I’m sure Mom wouldn’t mind giving you a few of hers. She gets really painful headaches, so she always keeps aspirin on hand.”

Katsuki sets his chopsticks down, glaring at the table. “Fine.”

“Okay, see you later! I need to go to the library and you need to finish eating or Mom will be disappointed. Bye, Kacchan!” Deku says while picking up his lunch box and scurrying away from the table.

Katsuki watches him go, glad for the time alone and the space that Deku is granting him right now. Deku always knows when Katsuki needs something and always gives it to him if he can. It’s just that Katsuki can’t help but feel guilty.

He never knows what Deku needs and if he does, then he never knows how to give it to him. He’s always left bumbling around, feeling useless and stupid. Katsuki understands that he is not a good omega in the traditional sense and that has never bothered Deku in the least, but sometimes, Katsuki wishes that he was a good, traditional omega. That he knew how to comfort his alpha and when to do it.

Maybe their roles should have been in reverse instead. Maybe-

Katsuki stops that line of thinking in its tracks. He doesn’t want to be Deku’s alpha. He wants to belong to someone, to have a place in a pack and have his mate watching his back. He wants to know without a doubt that he will be taken care of and that the same will be expected of him in return.

He doesn’t know what he would do if he was an alpha instead. Well, that's not right either. He does know what would have happened if he and Deku had been born with each other’s secondary gender. He would have fucked everything up, made things irreparable to the point that Deku would give up. Deku would be his hurt and damaged omega and it would be all Katsuki’s fault. Everything would have fallen into shambles, would have broken and never be glued back together again.

Things are better this way. At least if Katsuki goes too far, he knows that Deku will be able to rein him back in easily.

With his lunch finished, Katsuki packs up and makes his way to the library in search of his alpha.

  “Hey, do you want your gift now or in the morning?” Deku asks on Katsuki’s thirteenth birthday.

They’re having a sleepover, sleepy and warm after stuffing themselves full during Katsuki’s party earlier.

Deku had forced him to invite people from school and from the few that actually showed up, they managed to have an alright time. No one was mean or worded things in a way that would make Katsuki bristle with anger. People were nice to his alpha and they even cleared out an hour before Katsuki’s set deadline of kicking them out.

All in all, his birthday was fine. He opened his presents after everyone left and managed to convince their parents to let Deku spend the night. He had pulled out the futon his parents got him soon after he and Deku got too big to share Katsuki’s bed during sleepovers as kids and gave him his favorite pillow. They brushed their teeth side by side in front of the bathroom mirror and Deku changed in the bathroom while Katsuki changed in his room. Deku knocked and waited for a reply before he walked back in and they both climbed under the covers.

Now they are looking up at the ceiling in silence. Katsuki feels tired enough to fall asleep right now but Deku had pulled him aside in the morning and told him that he had a secret surprise for him that he would give to him after the party ended and they got a moment alone together.

“Now, before I fall asleep. We’ll forget about it in the morning,” Katsuki answers, rubbing at his eyes as he sits up in bed.

Deku gets onto his knees and crawls over to his backpack, pulling a long, flat box from it. It’s wrapped in red paper with bombs scattered across it periodically and Katsuki grins at those details before he rips into it.

Beside him, Deku snorts in amusement but doesn’t comment. Katsuki spares him a glance, still grinning and opens the box.

In it is a piece of shiny, black fabric.

“Deku, if you got me a fucking dress, I am going to decapitate you,” Katsuki growls, glaring over his shoulder at his alpha.

Deku only smiles back in reassurance. “Lift it up. Unfold it and you’ll see it’s not a dress. I would never insult you like that.”

Katsuki pulls his lips back and bares his teeth. “It better not be.”

He turns back to the box and picks up the fabric. It’s smooth and shimmery, but not in the way that he expects. When he holds it up in the moonlight, confusion swarms him. He detests dresses and skirts, but a crop top? Seriously? Just what kind of game is Deku playing here? Does he want Katsuki to kill him?

“Did you really wait until we were alone to give me a fucking crop top? Do you have a death wish, you fucking idiot?”

Deku shifts beside him, nervous and twitchy. “It’s not a crop top, Kacchan. It’s a binder.”

The binder falls from his hands and lands back in the box unceremoniously. Katsuki can barely remember to breathe as Deku goes terribly still beside him, the beginning of a mumbling storm already on the tip of his tongue. Katsuki looks at his alpha from the corner of his eye, watching as his face flushes in the dark and the moonlight falls across his hair. Deku's hands twist in his lap, the mumbling storm roaring to life within another instant of silence between them.

“If you don’t like it, I can return it and give you the money I used instead. I just thought you might like it since I overheard Auntie talking to Mom about you outgrowing another sports bra, so I started researching and found out that it’s okay to bind at any age as long as you do it safely. I started saving up then because the good ones are really expensive and I knew a cheap one wouldn’t work and would probably mess with your lungs or something even worse. This one had really great reviews and I didn’t think you would like a full tank top kind of binder, but then I had to wait because they ran out in black and I know you would have hated the other colors available. So then I started worrying that I wasn’t going to be able to get it in time for your birthday, but then two weeks ago, they re-stocked it and I bought it! It came to my house last week and Mom knows because the package got there while we were at school and she opened it to make sure it wasn’t like a bomb or something since you know how paranoid she can be. Which I don’t blame her for ‘cause sometimes villains target random people and it’s better to be safe than sorry, but yeah. She asked if it was for you and I can’t lie to her, so she knows, but she promised she wouldn’t mention it and she asked me if you were thinking about starting hormonal treatment when you’re old enough and I told her I didn’t know. I started doing research on that too and found out you can’t start those until you’re sixteen and only with parent’s permission and only if your doctor isn’t mean about it, which sucks because I don’t think doctors should have that kind of power over people who are trying to be okay with their bodies if they aren’t going to treat those people respectfully and such. I get it if it’s something that would put a person’s life in danger, but I just don’t- Ah!”

Deku only cuts off his long spiel when Katsuki turns and lunges at him. He squeaks in terror and stills as Katsuki throws his arms around him. Katsuki grips him tight, pressing his face into his alpha’s shoulder and inhaling deeply, feeling his eyes burn dangerously.

Another moment passes before Deku’s arms come down around him gently and suddenly Katsuki can’t fight the stupid tears that have been trying to escape him for the last five minutes. He knows Deku starts crying when his alpha sniffs and shifts until they end up lying on the floor, holding onto one another.

Katsuki is quiet as he cries, but Deku tightens his hold on him anyway when he starts shaking and runs a hand through his spiky hair.

“It’s okay. You’re amazing and you deserve to be happy, Kacchan. It’s okay. You can cry. You can be sad if you want to be. I know it hurts, it’s okay. I’m sorry,” Deku chants under his breath, voice cracking multiple times in between sentences.

He almost wants to tell his alpha to shut the fuck up and just let him cry, but the words, his scent, and his embrace are all comforting enough for Katsuki to allow it. Just this once.

Katsuki curls himself further into his alpha and cries himself out, hoping that if he does it now then he won’t do it again when he tries the binder on for the first time.

(He does.)

  “You can go straight home today, Kacchan. I have to stay after school for another talk with the school counselor.”

Katsuki frowns at Deku, raising one brow in silent question.

Deku shuffles awkwardly on his side of the lunch table, gaze stuck on the food that he has been picking at for the last twenty minutes instead of actually eating. “She wants me to consider other schools.”

In the sudden silence that befalls their table, Katsuki’s chopsticks snapping in half seem to echo around them. He’s so overcome with an indescribable wave of anger that he barely notices the fact that his palms are starting to smoke too.

“Kacchan, you’re gonna set off the fire alarm again,” Deku’s voice filters in through the omega’s haze of anger.

“I’m going to kill that bitch,” is Katsuki’s only answer.

Deku sighs, continuing to pick at his food now that Katsuki isn’t in danger of exploding their table (again). “Please, don’t. I already told her that it’s where you’re going and I plan to be with my mate, but she keeps insisting. She wants me to either pick more schools to apply to or apply to UA’s general course instead.”

“She can go die for all I fucking care,” Katsuki spits out. “Watch when you become the first fucking quirkless hero and at a stupid interview they ask about your childhood and you bring up that bitch’s name and this stupid, shitty school. They’ll regret the way they’re treating my alpha like he’s some weak, defenseless piece of shit!”

“I think that’s one of the nicest things you have ever said about me, Kacchan,” Deku murmurs, but there is a smile slowly blossoming on his face so Katsuki can hardly feel embarrassed about his outburst.

“Shut the fuck up, nerd. Go tell her that she can fucking suck it.”

Deku laughs, some of his normal behavior beginning to bleed through. Katsuki pats himself on the back for a job well done when Deku acts like he usually does for the rest of the lunch hour.

Once the final bell rings, Katsuki walks over to Deku’s desk and hauls them away into a secluded hallway where no one will bother them. Deku looks confused and smells nervous, but he calms considerably after Katsuki glares at him then pulls him into a tight hug.

They stand there embracing one another while subtly scenting the other, then Katsuki growls under his breath and breaks away.

“See you later, nerd! Mom’s making your favorite tonight, so you better fucking be there,” Katsuki yells over his shoulder.

Deku’s voice is light behind him. “Bye, Kacchan!”

  “Why the fuck did I have to fucking come and get it?” Katsuki mutters to himself, kicking a can angrily against the alley wall. “Fucking Deku and his stupid shitty taste in food!”

He knows he doesn’t mean it. He’s just angry his homework time is being cut into right now. All because his mom didn’t have the ingredients she needed for katsudon, Deku’s favorite, which Katsuki had angrily texted her about making tonight under the lunch table when Deku wasn't paying attention.

Whatever. As long as it makes Deku happy.

That’s his last cohesive thought before something dark and sludge-like crawls out of the shadows and engulfs him whole.

  After it is all said and done and the stupid heroes have finished ripping Deku a new one, Katsuki finds that he can barely even look at his alpha.

The heroes insist that Katsuki should be looked over by a medical professional, but he’s furious and the last thing he wants to do is take his shirt off in such a public space.

It doesn’t help matters that All Might is smiling and conversing with police and reporters alike, trying to make everything cheery as all hell. It doesn’t accomplish anything except making Katsuki even angrier than before.

Finally, when he is allowed to leave, Katsuki books it. Deku was allowed to leave first and probably decided to not wait up for him, thinking that Katsuki would actually let a paramedic check him out first. Fuck that.

In the distance, a familiar head of dark, curly hair appears and Katsuki kicks it into high gear, screaming at the top of his lungs.

“DEKU!”

He hates how his voice cracks, but there’s no helping it. There is no time either since Deku turns immediately to look at him.

“K-Kacchan! What are you doing?” Deku stutters, face turning bright red as Katsuki advances.

“You’re lucky you’re not dead, you stupid fucking nerd!” Katsuki yells, not caring about how loud he is. “But I’m still going to kill you!”

Deku takes a step back, flushing and stuttering again. “W-What but-?”

Katsuki can feel his hands beginning to smoke and if Deku’s eyes looking down then flickering back up are any indication, then his alpha knows it too, but Katsuki doesn’t give a fuck.

He’s so fucking angry. So pissed off that those heroes were so fucking useless that his quirkless alpha had to jump in to try and save him. They are the reason his alpha thought it was necessary to throw himself into danger and Katsuki was close to blowing his top back in that alley, but in front of his alpha, he can’t keep it together anymore.

See this is the thing. Katsuki isn’t angry that he had to be saved. Well, maybe a little, but it isn't the reason he wants to blow up this entire neighborhood then run back to that alley and beat the shit out of those pro heroes and one sludge villain in particular.

Katsuki is angry because his alpha threw himself into danger that Katsuki could barely handle. He has a powerful quirk, but it did absolutely fucking nothing to stop that villain earlier. Deku is quirkless. Deku is soft and gentle and incapable of not lending someone a helping hand. He’s an alpha, yes, but Deku is so, so fragile. Katsuki knows that his alpha can grow a spine when he fucking wants to and that he can throw a mean punch, especially since they started working out together. Katsuki knows everything about his alpha and that is exactly why when their eyes met, Katsuki was struck dumb with terror because he knew what was going to happen next.

He knew and he was terrified for his alpha.

“You could have gotten hurt, you idiot!” Katsuki spits out, growing angrier when his eyes start burning.

He turns his face away, letting out a deep breath and fighting back the stupid fucking tears. Deku has gone still in front of him. His panicked scent has turned towards confusion and slowly, so slowly that Katsuki can barely recognize it, a growing sense of horror. Both of them do not speak and Katsuki has never felt further apart from his alpha than at this moment.

“You were going to die,” Deku eventually says, finally breaking the stifling silence that had befallen them.

Katsuki feels his hackles rise in defiance and anger again. “You don’t know that! You don’t know shit, you stupid nerd! You had no reason to put yourself in danger like that because of me, Deku!”

Deku steps back like he has been struck, his expression and scent changing quickly. “You’re my mate, Kacchan. I will always do my best to take care of you in any way that I can. Me being quirkless doesn’t change that.”

“That has nothing to do with it! You said I could take care of you, you fucking promised, shithead!” Katsuki growls, advancing rapidly on his alpha with his palms smoking then coming to an abrupt halt as Deku flinches.

Katsuki draws back, looking at the street instead of Deku’s emerald eyes. “I am not more important than you, fucktard. There were heroes there and you didn’t have to do that. Why did you do that? I didn’t need your fucking help and you know that! So why did you run into it anyway?”

He keeps his gaze on Deku’s bright red shoes, his eyes burning fiercer than before. Katsuki does not know what he expects his alpha to say, but it isn’t what he ends up hearing at all.

“You’re my heart, Kacchan,” Deku murmurs, his voice so soft and gentle and Katsuki can’t help the fucking tears that fall down his face then. “That villain attacked me earlier and I almost died. I know firsthand that it might have killed you too. The only thing I could think to myself at the moment was, what am I supposed to do you without you?”

Katsuki feels his head snap up and meets Deku’s watery gaze with his own, suddenly frothing at the mouth angry again. He hates this. He hates this so much and he hates how it’s his alpha who always manages to bring this stupid emotional bullshit out of him when he would rather ignore it all and suffer in silence. But no, Deku has to force it out of him and make him talk about feelings otherwise Katsuki just feels guilty and shitty.

Fuck Deku honestly and fuck stupid ass feelings too!

As if Katsuki wouldn’t have done the same thing. As if Katsuki would not be terrified of losing his mate, alpha, and best friend all in one fell swoop! As if Deku is so fucking noble for throwing himself into danger when all it did was make the situation worse and scare ten years off Katsuki’s life.

“WELL, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITHOUT YOU? This is a two-way street, motherfucker, and you can’t fucking assume that I would ever want you to get fucking hurt because of me!” Katsuki all but screams, shaking and trembling as tears continue to trail down his cheeks.

Deku is much too calm when he says, “I know. I didn’t mean to imply that your feelings don’t matter, but Kacchan… You would have done the same thing.”

Katsuki doesn’t reply, not deeming that statement worthy of an answer at all because they both know it’s the truth. It is what Katsuki was thinking just mere moments before, what he refuses to speak aloud after all that has already happened today.

He is too tired for this crap. He wants to go home and pretend like the world doesn’t exist for a few hours.

Deku must read it in the slump of his shoulders or the dejected look on his face because soon he’s speaking again and giving Katsuki the escape he needs. “If you want some alone time, I can give you space, Kacchan.”

Katsuki can only make himself nod. Deku gives him a gentle and sincere smile anyway, the kind that makes Katsuki want to punch something.

“Okay… and Kacchan?”

He looks up again, letting their eyes meet. Deku looks rattled and tired, but assured too, something that Katsuki rarely ever sees from his alpha.

“I love you.”

What the fuck?

What.

The.

Fuck.

Absolutely not, Deku can fuck right off with that bullshit. Katsuki wipes his face quickly with the singed sleeve of his uniform and flees.

He runs the rest of the way home, crying again, and when he bursts through his front door, his mom is in the kitchen. His dad isn’t home yet, so he ignores her greeting and runs into his room. Locking the door, he lets his tears fall freely.

He feels so stupid and small, something he abhors with all his might. Ugh.

a/n: if you’re interested about how this is all coming together, check out my #progress-report tag (: 

thanks for reading! please remember that my requests are open 

#todobakudeku #bakudeku #todobaku #tododeku #bakugou x midoriya x todoroki #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #bnha #chaptered #f:bnha #g:angst #g:fluff #t:chaptered #p:ot3 #p:bakugou/midoriya/todoroki #wifttsf #m: fic

[othersworldly]

       hello, hello, its the double pisces you litcherally never asked for. i went into the tags, found this serotonin gyllenhaal and then accidentally named him after the new, popular character he plays on turkish tv after googling male names for 1 hour straight. if that doesn’t just explain who i am as a person i don’t know what else will. i’m twenty-three and legally cannot do math or i will explode. thank you for dealing with me and sorry in advanced but i can’t and won’t be tamed.

ÇAĞLAR ERTUĞRUL, MALE, HE/HIM, HELLHOUND   /   deep in the pacific northwest lives KEREM HAZAR. i heard they’ve been living there for a year and last saw them hanging around mount peak cemetery, i think they might’ve been tending to the forgotten grave markers. at three hundred and eleven years old, rem doesn’t look a day over thirty. everyone around here always associates them with the phantom warmth of a flickering flame, the rich timbre of an old engine roaring to life, and the icy smell of spearmint. hope they enjoy their stay ! ( naomi, pst, she/her, 23 )

B A S I C   I N F O R M A T I O N

LEGAL NAME: Kerem ‘Rem’ Hazar DATE OF BIRTH: December 12th  / sagittarius  GENDER | SPECIES |  Male / Hellhound

LIKE[S]: Winning, the smell of leather, fruit punch DISLIKE[S]: Losing, Lack of effort, Intolerance, Cheating

FEAR[S]: no fears . *taxes* .. one fear. 

PERSONALITY TRAITS: + CONFIDENT, STRONG-WILLED, SELF-DISCIPLINED    – RECKLESS, OVERLY COMPETITIVE.

P H Y S I C A L   I N F O R M A T I O N

HAIR COLOR: Brown EYE COLOR: Blue HEIGHT: 6′2″ BUILD: Athletic, Fit,

DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: he always looks well-rested. very sus

STYLE: grey henleys, grey jeans, worn docs, he’s a casual guy with casual style

TATTOOS/PIERCINGS: brand of the hunt on his left peck.

R E L A T I O N S H I P   I N F O R M A T I O N

SEXUAL PREFERENCE: bisexual RELATIONSHIP STAT: legally allowed to leave if no one addresses him directly within 5 minutes of entering a room

pinboard //

more on rem

fire-fighter and certified emt

earth-toned babe who wears mostly greys and browns.

he wears glasses without a prescription because he thinks it makes him more approachable but he often just leaves them around and makes more work for himself by having to go out and hunt for them

lives in a one bedroom apt on the 8th floor of a moderately priced building that has a fire escape - which he uses more often the actual entrance 

pet german shepphard named beef stew,

yes beef is a rescue and yes, sometimes rem can be found shouting beef around the block if the four year old pup gets out while he’s gone.

very easy going - he has few personal rules and a few things he stands his ground on but for the most part he’s agreeable and will go anywhere he’s invited.

loves carbonara 

runs hot and likes winter but hates it at the same time because he has to carry a jacket around for looks. but on the bright side he always has a jacket for anyone who gets chilly

throughout the years he’s become really good at making bread. he proofs them in mason jars and holds them in his hands to cook them to buttery, flaky perfection

+ insert obsessive hobby here +

hellhound

other hellhounds know them as CEMRE a name they first picked up from a turkish mountain woman. she had muttered it softly at first, watching in awe and horror as they emerged unscathed from the flames that both announced their arrival on earth and wiped out an entire villiage in the frigid remnants of winter that is now known as february. 

walks the line of true neutral and chaotic neutral

when actively hunting they are known to do whatever it takes. but when dormant, they are nonplused with the whims of the factions - as long as the supernatural world is properly hidden from the mass populace.

has a preference for ghosts over banshees, but likes both well enough.

thinks witches are good fun because the only one who could demand things of him died a hundred years ago

has no generalized notion about other hellhounds.

understands werewolves in a primal sense but finds them dramatic

not too keen on vampires because the dead should remain dead

actively hunting dragons

connection ideas

bed brewing & beyond - a witch or demon hook up that he can call on for big asks. or he could go out and fetch things for them for $$$ of course. like uber eats but its a nymph skull and he’s covered in blood and its the 90s

casually dating - needless to say, he’s thirty and not even married. so he’s basically on the verge of death or something right? lol . so they casually date and appear at functions together, but its nothing over the top. he has the worst hours but tries to make time for them -- is what im imagining. but we can definitely tweak this to fit ur muse.

TRINITY chasing divinity - i’ve been in love with the idea of angels, of these celestial beings and what it must be like to choke on humanity. so why not just force that on my muse lol. i’d love fo him to just be infatuated ( so no pressure of requited feelings or nothing ) with a creature that exudes purity when he himself was created by the combined power of a demon and a dark witch

dd - besides being, ya know, literal fire, his metabolism burns through everything like it’s nothing. so you can 100% invite him for a night out and he will be your designated driver -- unless he has work of course. then you can call him, wasted af, and he will use his 15 minute break to come get you and tuck you in to bed.

everlasting mario kart - i know mk didn’t exist in the 90s or whatever, but basically they’re both immortals so they can and should fuck each other up ( in a siblings type way ) but the stakes are higher because they can survive most blow backs.

good omens - except we’re not on either side, we don’t care about the kid, and you’ve burnt the popcorn. good going paul

DRU AGOSTI lighthouses in the night -- i’ve been alive for a long time, you’ve been alive a long time. STOP MENTIONING THE TIME I WAS AN ICELANDIC SHEEP FARMER I WAS UNDERCOVER Jfc, yes of course i still know the best way to make sheep milk fuck you. wishing you a crap equinox you smug bitch

same face who dis - obvi has to be someone who can die but. he swears he’s seen you before. its just wild that you look so familiar. you remember me right? and he keeps on call ing your muse the wrong name and unlearning the things that he had previously learned. super flexi back story. heck i’ll even take two if people like it. could be exes, enemies, they fought in a war together and were brothers, they sailed across the ocean and it was very gay and also someone had scruvy? so many options! too many to list!

supermassive blackhole -- please invite him to the vampire baseball games. he can keep up i promise!!

or let’s brainstorm?! im bi and a pisces so i will just be happy for the attention honestly.

that’s it. that’s all i could think of during dbd. i will add more as i think of them/as we plot some out. i’m going to shower and eat an ice cream sandwich . peace out my dudes catcha ya on the other side

#inferisintro

[lettersandinkstains]

hi, sorry if this is annoying but i think i might be transgender (mtf) and i’m freaking out because i don’t know anything about how to transition or the identity and i was wonder if you have any advice or anything??? thanks a million

Anon, hello! You’re not being annoying at all! I’m sorry this is so late!! 

First things first, thank you for trusting me with this. And good for you for reaching out for answers! I’m not MtF, so my experiences are gonna be a little different but I’ll give you a run down of what I did, and list options for you and sorta just explain the identity. At the end, I’ll link the resources I can! Hopefully you’ll find this useful!

(Please be warned that this is going to be long ! Everything is itemized and broken down for hopefully an easy understanding and help!)

My Experience / What I Did

When I realized I was Definitely Not Cis, I was fairly into adulthood. She/Her pronouns made me want to die, but he/him felt like a puzzle piece that could fit, but not quite. 

I started talking to a therapist about it, and still continue to this day with talking to my new therapist about it. Over the course of the early sessions, I ended up being diagnosed with gender dysphoria, where there’s distress / discomfort between my assigned gender and my gender identity.

From there, on my old blog, I made a post asking for people to use ‘Silas’ and ‘they/them’ for my pronouns. And it just fit perfectly. I elated that I was being referred to correctly -- the pronouns and the name didn’t make me cringe and want to die.

That’s what I did.

What Is Transgender?

Transgender is the term for someone who does not identity as the gender they were assigned with at birth. They can be a trans man, a trans woman, non binary, genderfluid, etc.

The Steps To Take

Talk to a professional who is trained with and is supportive of the LGBTQIA+ community. While it’s not required per se, I very much recommend it. Talking to a professional is incredibly useful for many reasons:

You can get your thoughts and feelings out to a non biased party.

They can help navigate and help you figure out the steps to take.

It’s good to talk to someone! This person can become part of your support network!

Find a supportive community! There’s a thriving trans community on Tumblr, and elsewhere on the internet!

These people are the ones you can go to and talk and ask questions about being trans and transitioning. People’s experiences vary and everyone has different insight!

They will also be a support network for when you need it!

And it doesn’t always need to be online, you can search up local groups where you live, there should be something nearby. If not, that’s okay! Internet friends are real friends too!

I really love r/transpositive and r/asktransgender! Everyone on those two subreddits are so nice and incredible. r/lgbt is also really cool!

I don’t know any community blogs here on Tumblr since I follow only writeblr’s but someone is likely to know something.

I’ve also got an LGBT+ based writeblr discord if you wish to join a welcoming & incredible community! There are also non writing LGBTQIA+ discords! I’m in one for gaming, and r/lgbt’s mod’s run a discord as well called Spectrum. Highly recommend.

Play around with names & pronouns -- and you can also play around with styles too! You’re discovering yourself and your identity. Do what you feel is comfortable.

You can ask a close group of friends you know would be supportive of you to refer to you with she/her pronouns (or whatever pronouns you prefer!), and a name you would like to be called by!

It’s okay if you pick a name now and want to change it later! Names are an important part of your identity and you need to feel comfortable with it!

Dress in clothes that’s considered to be for women. You don’t have to do super femme if you don’t want to! Like, there is no wrong way to dress and present yourself! There’s butch, there’s femme, there’s an in between, etc.

After all, we don’t force cis women to dress super femme and model like (and doubt their gender identity and presentation), so we shouldn’t expect trans women to adhere to those standards either.

However there is nothing wrong with wanting to do! If that sundress makes you feel like a model, and make up makes you feel wonderful, go for it!! And if dressing in jeans, boots, and a t-shirt makes you feel happy, do that!! Dress in a style that makes you feel happy about yourself!

If anyone complains, punch them. Or Snip Snip.

HRT / Transitioning - Hormone Replacement Therapy. This is the act of taking hormones to develop secondary sex characteristics -- trans men take testosterone (T) and trans women take estrogen. Doctors will also sometimes prescribe another hormone to go with it.

If you decide to transition, estrogen will cause a development of breasts, softer skin, fat distribution will be more feminine, and you’ll also develop curves. Essentially, you’ll be going through the typical female puberty.

You don’t have to take hormones if you do not want to or are not ready yet! This is not a be all, end all situation! Take your time and do research on it and the effects it will have!

If anyone tells you that you have to take HRT to be a ~real trans person~, punch them. They have no right telling you what you should do with your body.

This also leads me back to point one: the professional will be able to help you figure this out and help be a support during the process.

Starting Transition

Depending on where you are and your age is what will be available to you.

Some countries do not allow those under the age of eighteen to transition. Some do with explicit parental consent. Be sure to research this as well.

I don’t know if this has changed since I was a youngin, but you would have typically needed a diagnosis if gender dysphoria* in order to get the doctor’s okay and prescription to start HRT. There are exceptions to everything.

This also may depend on local laws too, so check those out!

Depending on what you’re prescribed, you may take birth control, you may have to take shots, etc.

Where you get your hormones also largely depends on where you are too. Here in the United States, universities offer them at their on site clinics (mine does, anyways!), and some Planned Parenthood’s also prescribe hormones too! I can’t speak for other countries, and I wouldn’t even know where to begin looking for you.

HRT is also hella expensive in some places.

If you live in a country with universal health care, it shouldn’t be too much of a problem!

Coming Out -- Don’t come out unless you are ready & you are in a safe environment to do so!

This is basically LGBTQIA+ 101. If you are not safe to do so, do not do it. I know it sucks, but your safety is absolutely number one!

Everything is going to be okay. You are okay, there is nothing wrong with you.

There are certain groups of people who will tell you that your identity may be ~wrong~ or whatever arguments they can think of. Do your best to ignore them, and when you need to, vent to the people you trust.

Things To Check Out

YouTubers:uppercaseCHASE is a trans man who talks about trans issues and his own transition. He has an HRT 101 series that might be helpful! His expertise is FTM (Trans men) so there will be things that might not be as helpful. Educational videos, however!

arielle scarcella - while i do not like her very much and disagree with a lot of her beliefs, she’s a cis lesbian who has done videos in the past that’s educational about trans people -- and frequently has trans women on her channel where they talk about their experiences with HRT, as well as Gender Affirming Surgery if they’ve had it. (same goes for trans men!)

andrea chrysanthe is a trans woman who has documented her experience with transitioning and does life updates. She recently released a two part video that talks a lot about it. (warning: I haven’t watched all of her videos, and some look to be NSFW for at least talk of kink so be careful going in!)

melanie-ish is another trans woman youtuber! she talks about political issues as well as her own experience with transitioning and coming out. (warning: she hasn’t updated her channel in two years!)

PRINCESSJOULES is another trans woman who also documents her life as a trans woman! She also does make up tutorials, vlogging, and a lot of other things!

jammidodger is a trans man who talks about his experience with transitioning. he is by far one of my most favorite youtubers!

(if anyone else has any youtuber recommends, feel free to add on!)

trans resources -

leolines on etsy. they sell underwear for trans women -- a safer alternative to tucking. they also have binders! fairly inexpensive, and so many styles and designs!

the trevor project’s international center - the trevor project in general is absolutely amazing! they have a lot of resources on their website from phone numbers you can call if you’re feeling suicidal to groups and support groups! this link, if you are out of the united states and are looking for something, will give you a listing of international resources! 

transgender law center - legal services and advocacy for trans folks!

trans women of color collective - an advocacy group for trans women of color! they do a lot to help trans women of color! check them out, they’re super cool!

trans youth equality federation  - they provide support for family membes of trans youth, trans youth, and allies. as well as education!

gender spectrum - provides support for all trans youth, as well as education for families and educators!

I AM: trans people speak - a project that was made to raise awareness of about the diversity that exists within the transgender community.

glaad - resources - glaad is a well known organization for advocacy and education!

WHEW ANON that was a lot. Hopefully you made it through to the end, and hopefully it was helpful! I hope those links above help provide some use for you and figuring out what steps you want to take.

On that note, if anybody who has read this wants to add on, they are free to do so. The above is only advice, from one person whose experience is one of millions and still, different.

AND ANON, one more thing! If you wish to talk, you are so much welcome to DM me! They’re open for non mutuals :)!

Good luck on your journey, may it provide you happiness!

#letters #anon #trans stuff #trans advice #advice #support #i truly do hope this was helpful #and if anybody else would like to provide advice or support #or even words of encouragement for anon #they're free to do so #Anonymous

[lvckpicks-blog]

( jung yoonoh, cismale, he/him, 24. ) — alexander "lex” khang, better known to the media as eros has been working for the yōkai for around six years. rumor has it, he can be ebullient & versatile but also cocky & licentious which is why he makes the perfect safe cracker.

you can find a picture of the mask he wears during heists HERE & HERE!! though he’s customized it so that the led lights change frequently.

hi wow hello!! i’m caitlyn, 24, she/her, cst timezone. and honestly?? i am in fucking AWE of every single one of you ?!!!!!! from the bottom of my heart, thank you for taking interest in this rp & for being as encouraging and positive as you have been. words cannot express how grateful i am for each and every single one of you ?!!! whenever this idea came to me, i didn’t think it would ever take off like it has & the out pour of love and support i’ve gotten is absolutely incredible. i could go on and on for hours about how much i seriously do appreciate it, but i’d turn into an emotional lil bitch and ain’t nobody got time for that so moving on !!

this is lex, he’s a mess and a half but honestly.... i can’t ever play characters that aren’t a trashy mess with an even worse backstory so here we GO!!! there’s some basic stats, bio, personality and basic af plot ideas under the cut so if you’d like to plot like this or hmu!!!

TW: mentions of alcohol & death. ( car crashes / house fires )

general information.

full name: alexander khang. nickname(s): alex, lex. date of birth: october 31st, 1994. age: twenty-four. nationality: korean. spoken languages: english, korean, chinese, japanese, french, spanish, german & russian. gender: cismale. pronouns: he / him / his. sexuality: bisexual. faceclaim: jung yoonoh ( jaehyun ) of nct.

background.

hometown: ulsan, south korea. current residence: tokyo, japan. financial status: upper class. occupation: safe cracker. family connections: tba.

extra information.

myers briggs: entp-a. ( the debater. ) enneagram: eight. ( the challenger. ) temperament: choleric. moral aligment: neutral evil. hogwarts house: slytherin. sin: wrath. virtue: pride. zodiac: scorpio. element: fire.

biography.

born and raised in korea.

parents spoiled him and his sister to death and made sure both of them had everything they needed to be happy.

however, whenever him & his sister were young, they lost their parents to a house fire and they were forced to go into the foster care system.

he wouldn't allow him & his sister to be separated, so they ended up being in the system for a long time until an american family took interest in both of them.

and before they even realized what was going on, lex & his sister were being shipped off to the states to meet their new family.

things were... different there, their new parents still spoiling them to death but everything around them was completely new and strange.

n bc of that, and because of the fact that lex couldn't communicate with his new parents, he began to rebel.

he started sneaking out of the house, breaking into places he shouldn't have been in.. going to parties even when he was underage and all sorts of things like that.

but he took an affinity to anything that had to do with picking locks, noticing that it kept his mind focused all while continuing to be able to 'rebel' in various sorts of ways.

after that, he focused on that, buying locks of all sorts until there wasn't a thing he couldn't break into.

however, the standard locks started to become boring, technology starting to be more and more prominent in the world so he started to teach himself how to hack as well.

not just into things, but how to 'pick' technologically advanced locks and everything like that.

he started to become so interested in that lifestyle, that he went to trade school for it.

but what he didn't expect was to meet someone there in the process, lex falling head over heels the second he laid eyes on them.

and god, he was smitten. ready to marry them within six months of meeting them. after proposing on a date and them saying yes, things were starting to kick into gear.

soon after, the wedding was planned and a date was set, but the wedding would never happen and lex wouldn't be able to spend the rest of his life with them.

his fiance was taken from him in a car accident, one he blames himself for to this day because they were headed to meet him to talk about the possibility of adopting a baby bc they couldn't have one & bc lex knew what it was like to be in the foster care system and wanted to be able to pull someone else out of that situation.

after that, alexander began to let his grief consume him, finding his home to be a bar stool at the nearest bar, drinking his sorrows away until someone practically had to carry him home.

that's when he met the mastermind of the crew, the other being nice enough to drive lex home from the bar one evening due to how intoxicated he was.

the mastermind happened to catch onto the fact that lex was very much into picking locks, into breaking into things that 'couldn't' be broken into and so he offered lex a job. quick money, no one would know it was lex at the end of the day and a reputation that'd soar for years to come.

it was then that lex's life started to turn around ever-so-slightly, becoming the best ( and only ) safe cracker that the yōkai had ever seen.

he started to grow happier, or so it seemed.

lex started to hide his grief, started to pretend he was just a happy-go-lucky goof ball on the outside while continuing to drink himself to sleep at night just to be able to get some sleep at all.

but he tried to control it as much as he could, tried to keep it inwards and not let it effect him or his job, and he never did.

alexander was/is a completely different person when he's on a heist & when the crew is all at HQ together.

the only person that knows about lex’s sister and fiance is the mastermind, though he does often send big chunks of his cuts to his sister so that his niece and nephew can remain happy, healthy and equally as spoiled as he and his sister were.

he doesn’t talk about his past life, nor does he really like opening up so very few people can see that there’s a grieving person behind the goofy exterior he tends to have.

personality.

hides behind a wall of sarcasm, cockiness, and lust.

doesn’t really care to get to know people and had a tendency to push people away before they get too close to him. because he really… doesn’t want to get hurt again & doesn’t want to put them @ risk.

but will also tease and mess with literally everyone.

wears glasses to read and mess w computers, but hates them a lot and probably won’t wear them if people are around.

is …. stubborn as hell and refuses to ask for help with anything.

his motorcyle and cars are literally his babies ??? like he ?? has a problem ??

a hotmess

loves halloween so much?? he gets so hype for that holiday it’s unreal.. even if it is his bday.

fluent in a lot of languages, picked them up so that he didn’t need translators for heists n such.

lowkey worried that people will figure out that he’s actually v hurt inside because that’ll cause him to start having to deal with his feelings again, and he doesn’t wanna do that.

is the biggest flirt you will ever meet?? like if he’s speaking 2 u… its usually flirty as hell unless it has 2 do w business or he’s just known u for centuries ?

will try to get everyone to go to bars n parties with him because that’s his life in a nutshell ??

hella nerd on the inside though like owns so many comic books, loves to play video games, read books, plays piano / violin & all that jazz.

super, super intelligent. could probably work @ nasa but instead he decided to do what he does & he honestly… ain’t complaining.

drinks..heavily..  like every night?? it’s a problem tbh.

he cares… god he cares so much about people and the world but he pretends to hate everything because it’s easier than letting people in.

full of horrible and cheesy pick up lines and jokes and frequently texts people said pick up lines and jokes.

owns a book that is full of nothing but blank pages and keeps it on his coffee table because he ‘relates’ to it.

is a highkey hoe but he keeps it on the dl

super into fitness as it’s a way to keep him away from drinking every evening. ( that doesn’t work lol )

loves boxing so much and can be seen at the gym quite a bit.. also has bruised knuckles 24/7 because of it as it’s a way to take out his aggression and feelings out on a punching bag?

speaking of… anger issues af. well... grief turned into anger.

actually super kind and caring once you’re able to see get past his wall?? which is really hard to do due to his job but if u do it he’ll cherish u.

has a bad habit of smoking whenever he’s stressed out, which is usually all of the time so he smokes…. more than he should.

highkey into cuddling and all the cute shit like that but would literally never tell a soul because then they’d see that he isn’t such a hardass.

is a burnt cupcake who has really good intentions but has extremely horrible execution skills. ( and no i don’t mean the violent kind bc he’s actually v good @ that )

plot ideas.

bad influence. ( on your muse. )

best friends.

childhood friend.

confidant.

current hook up(s).

drinking buddies.

drunken hook up.

enemies that used to be friends.

enemies.

exes who ended on bad terms.

flirtationship.

frenemies.

friends that used to be enemies.

friends with benefits.

good influence. ( on lex. )

hate sex.

one night stand(s). ( past & present. )

partner in crime.

party buddies.

past hook up(s).

ride or die.

trouble makers.

unlikely friends.

#heists:intro #this is a mESS #just like lex & myself #❝ ✦ ◜ᴅᴏ ɴᴏ ʜᴀʀᴍ ʙᴜᴛ ᴛᴀᴋᴇ ɴᴏ sʜɪᴛ.◞ — OUT OF CHARACTER. #love him n his messy self pls n thank u #ily all #alcohol tw #car crash tw #house fire tw #idk if that's a thing or not but #just to be safe

[phosphorescent-naidheachd]

Evaluating Sansa’s Betrayal in AGOT

@ John Hodgman, I cordially invite you to fight me over these comments in your 2016 intro to A Game of Thrones: The Illustrated Edition: “After all, it’s Sansa’s escapist addiction to the old tales and the romantic pablum of Florian and Jonquil that fuels her great, catastrophic betrayal of the actual humans around her.” 

Although I’m a huge Sansa fan, I’m not one of those people who believes that she bears no culpability for the consequences of having told Cersei about her father’s intention to take them away from King’s Landing. BUT. To call her actions not merely a betrayal or even a catastrophic betrayal, but a “great, catastrophic betrayal” is utter bullshit, and by focusing solely on Sansa’s “escapist addiction” to romances, you’re flattening the factors behind her (admittedly poor) decision to trust Cersei, and indeed the factors behind her willingness to buy into those romantic songs in the first place. I understand the point you’re making, but I also think you’re rather overstating it.

Let’s break this claim down piece by piece, shall we?

1. Sansa’s “escapist addiction” to romances

There’s no denying that Sansa loves romantic tales and ballads, nor that---thanks to a sheltered childhood---she mistakenly believes them to be unalloyed truth. However, look at the context of her upbringing. Sansa has been raised in a patriarchal society that encourages her to believe in these songs, largely because they reinforce existing social roles and make her easier to control. Moreover, it’s clear that as of the beginning of AGOT, no authority figure has seriously tried to teach Sansa otherwise. I don’t believe this was done maliciously---I think that her parents and Septa Mordane don’t want to disillusion her quite yet, and assume that there’s still plenty of time left to teach her the realities of the world before she leaves Winterfell. (And if it weren’t for the death of Jon Arryn, they might even have been right! Though I also think there’s an element of self-delusion at work in this line of thinking, as I’ll get into later in #2.) I also get the sense that Sansa sometimes slips through the cracks a bit because she isn’t a ‘problem child’; Sansa is far from perfect, but she’s generally well-behaved and she naturally fits into the idealized Westerosi conception of a noblewoman. The gaps in her education and emotional maturity aren’t as immediately glaringly obvious as, say, Arya’s are, and that makes it easy for a busy adult to put those gaps on a back burner to deal with some nebulous time ‘later’. (Arya slips through the cracks too, but it’s a different set of cracks, if that makes any sense. Despite their differences, both Sansa and Arya are failed by prescribed Westerosi gender roles, but that’s a discussion for another day.)

Also, anyone who is reading ASOIAF for pleasure doesn’t really have a foot to stand on regarding enjoying escapist fantasies, IMO. The world of ASOIAF may be “brutal”, as you say, but that doesn’t mean visiting it isn’t a form of escapism. Fiction of any form is inherently escapist, even as it often acts as a mirror that forces us to confront aspects of our own reality. (I don’t know if I’d entirely agree that GRRM has “captured the authentic meanness of the medieval world” either, by the way---he notoriously makes certain aspects of life in Westeros worse than they were in RL medieval Europe---but that’s also a conversation for another day.)

To be certain, Sansa internalizes fictional narratives more than your average reader of the series, but that’s partially because, at least on a surface level, her life easily could become one that belongs in the songs she loves. For instance, long before King Robert suggests betrothing Sansa to Joffrey, it’s not wholly in the realm of fantasy for her to dream of marrying a prince; considering her position in life, it’s a solid potential actuality. (Once again, more on this later in #2.) Sansa doesn’t fully understand what being part of a song would mean for her---that is to say, high romance generally necessitates high tragedy---nor does she fully appreciate the responsibilities and costs associated with becoming royalty, but considering she’s eleven/twelve years old in AGOT? That’s perfectly normal for a noble girl her age, even within the context of the universe of ASOIAF. (Are there exceptions to this? Absolutely. But that’s what they are: exceptions.) Just look at Alla and Elinor and Megga Tyrell!

Furthermore, while there’s an element of escapism to Sansa’s love of songs---when we first meet her, Sansa can’t wait to go South and have her ‘real’ life begin---I would argue that Sansa doesn’t actively indulge in much escapism or self-delusion until after the Baratheons arrive at Winterfell. Even after seeing Joffrey’s cruelty at Ruby Ford, she forces herself---and him---into the narratives that she loves and has been implicitly taught that she should emulate right up to the point where denial becomes impossible (i.e. her father’s execution). This is because one of Sansa’s innate survival/coping mechanisms is her ability to lie to herself as much as to others; we see this most clearly in AGOT and in AFFC.* So when the events at the Ruby Ford occur in AGOT, Sansa’s initial instinct is to ‘forget’ what actually happened. (This is aided by the fact that Joffrey had been plying her with wine---far more, we’re explicitly told, than she’s ever been allowed to drink before.) It isn’t just that she doesn’t want her golden prince and fairytale future to have been a lie---though that’s certainly a key motivator!---or callousness towards a peasant boy or frustration with her sister’s refusal to play according to societal rules (though these are both certainly present), but it’s also that she’s being questioned about events in front of an audience... in front of individuals with tremendous power over her, both because they’re royalty and because they’re her future family members. 

As Sansa has undoubtedly been taught, once a woman is married, her first loyalty must be to her husband and his family over the family of her birth. And while it’s true that betrothed is not the same thing as married, betrothals seem to be taken relatively seriously in Westeros. You can certainly argue that had Eddard Stark been aware of Joffrey’s true nature earlier, he would have broken the betrothal, but A. Sansa has no way to know that, B. breaking a betrothal is much easier said than done when dealing with royalty, especially when you’re going to be in close quarters with them for the foreseeable future, and C. as we’ll realize later, Ned is perfectly willing to let the (pretense of a?) betrothal stand if it will allow him to further investigate Jon Arryn’s death. What happened on the banks of the Trident was terrifying, it happened quickly, Sansa was tipsy, and if she speaks out one way or the other she’ll have to make a choice between her sister or the man who is going to be her husband... with deeply unpleasant consequences for herself (and likely Arya as well) regardless of which version of events she chooses to support. With all of this in mind, it’s easy enough for her to convince herself that it’s all a blur. So while Sansa’s (likely subconscious) decision to ‘forget’ what happened on the banks of the Trident isn’t admirable, it is understandable. 

Ultimately, it isn’t Sansa’s fascination with romantic songs that fuels her poor decisions so much as it is the society that encourages her to believe in them. If notions like ‘baseborn < trueborn’, ‘outer beauty = inner goodness’, and ‘proper behavior = rewards’ weren’t given weight in real life---even if only on the surface---it would be much harder for her to cling to the version of reality that the songs are peddling. 

Once again, none of this is to say that Sansa lacks all culpability for her actions due to her socialization. Sansa’s decisions are her own. My point is merely that her “escapist addiction” to romances isn’t the true root of the problem... it’s the society that created and perpetuated those songs to begin with.

*In AFFC, Sansa has consciously begun the process of being Alayne all the time as per Littlefinger’s words. (How well she’ll succeed in this---at least in the short term---is impossible to predict until we get TWOW.) She also has subconsciously transformed the memory of her encounter with Sandor Clegane during the traumatic Battle of Blackwater Bay into one that fits better in one of her beloved romances; in this altered memory, rather than threaten her in a sexually-tinged manner while holding a dagger to her throat, Sandor merely steals a kiss and a song. 

Note that Sansa began this subconscious transformation of her memory in ASOS by adding in a kiss and taking away the dagger: “He'd come to her the night of the battle stinking of wine and blood. He kissed me and threatened to kill me, and made me sing him a song”. By the time AFFC has rolled around, however, she has seemingly eliminated the memory of his threats altogether, while still keeping in the kiss and using language vaguely reminiscent of a wedding’s cloaking and bedding: “She could still remember how it felt, when his cruel mouth pressed down on her own. He had come to Sansa in the darkness as green fire filled the sky. He took a song and a kiss, and left me nothing but a bloody cloak”. 

2. Sansa’s betrayal of her family in King’s Landing

Sansa and Arya are both criminally unprepared for life at court in AGOT. This is somewhat excusable in that if Jon Arryn hadn’t died, they wouldn’t have needed to be prepared yet. However, anyone with a particle of political sense could have seen that there was a solid 90% possibility of Sansa becoming betrothed to Joffrey someday. There just aren’t that many daughters from the Great Houses of the right age in the Seven Kingdoms at this point in time. Add in the fact that the current king considers Eddard Stark his brother and was once betrothed to a Stark himself, and the likelihood of Sansa being chosen doubles or even triples.

So why haven’t Sansa’s parents and septa furthered her political education beyond knowing her sigils and courtesies? (Both of which are certainly important, but there’s only so far Sansa can go on them alone.) Sansa’s a tad young for a betrothal, but she’s not so young that her parents shouldn’t be making plans in that direction... Catelyn, after all, wasn’t much older than AGOT!Sansa when she was first betrothed to Brandon Stark. And even if they haven’t started making plans for Sansa, it’s very odd that Robb, the heir, is still unbetrothed at fourteen/fifteen. 

The real reason, of course, is the Doylist one: GRRM needed to write it that way for the plot to work, just as he needed both Stark girls to be poorly chaperoned and without a proper retinue of ladies-in-waiting. From a Watsonian perspective, however, the primary answer is that both of the Stark parents---but particularly Ned---are suffering from PTSD from the events surrounding Robert’s Rebellion and subconsciously don’t want to teach their children these things or to plan too far ahead into their futures; to do so would mean acknowledging that their children are growing up and will eventually have to leave their circle of protection. This is especially true for their treatment of Sansa and Arya, since according to chivalric sexism, noble girls are ‘innocent’ and in need of protection longer than their male counterparts. Ned Stark in particular seems to feel the urge to shelter and indulge Sansa and Arya, likely due to the trauma of having watched his 16-year-old sister’s death. Besides, there’s always something more immediately urgent, which makes it easy for both parents to procrastinate. This isn’t to say that the Starks didn’t impart valuable lessons to their children, but at the end of the day, they still neglected certain key areas of their children’s education.

Unfortunately, not only are the Stark children unprepared for court politics, but no adult takes any steps to fix this problem once they know that the King is riding to Winterfell. No ‘onscreen’ steps are taken to prepare the Stark girls after Sansa’s betrothal to Joffrey is fixed, nor while traveling on the King’s Road, nor even during their time at King’s Landing. In fact, the closest we see to Sansa getting an education on what ruling might mean is when her septa takes her to watch her father acting as Hand in the throne room, and he is less than pleased about it: “He caught a glimpse of Septa Mordane in the gallery, with his daughter Sansa beside her. Ned felt a flash of anger; this was no place for a girl. But the septa could not have known that today's court would be anything but the usual tedious business of hearing petitions, settling disputes between rival holdfasts, and adjudicating the placement of boundary stones”. On one hand, Ned does have a point in wanting to protect his eleven-year-old daughter from hearing about the Mountain’s deeds; talk about nightmare fuel! On the other hand, he can’t protect her forever, and he brought a seven-year-old boy to watch an execution; there’s clearly a bit of a gender-based double-standard going on here.

Instead, the girls are poorly chaperoned by a single elderly septa, which is just begging for trouble... and trouble indeed arrives, starting with the events on the banks of the Ruby Ford. If Arya had been properly chaperoned, she never would have been able to run off to play with Mycah (the butcher’s boy), and if Sansa had been properly chaperoned, she wouldn’t have been placed in a position where she was the sole eyewitness to the incident with Joffrey, Arya, and Mycah. But that’s just one incident, you say? Don’t worry, there are plenty of others, the clearest one being the time that Septa Mordane gets drunk and falls asleep at a feast, leaving Sansa entirely at the mercy of Joffrey, Sandor, and anyone else who might walk by.

Moreover, Ned knows that the Lannisters aren’t trustworthy. He knows that something is rotten in King’s Landing. Arya gets a very vague warning (“We have come to a dark dangerous place, child. This is not Winterfell. We have enemies who mean us ill. We cannot fight a war among ourselves”) from him, but Sansa doesn’t even get that. I’m not saying that he necessarily should have told Sansa about his investigation, mind you---that’s a large burden to place on any child, AGOT!Sansa is not good at intentional deception yet, and she likely wouldn’t have initially believed him anyway. This doesn’t change the fact that Ned should have told her something to help prepare her for the very real dangers of King’s Landing. He should have known better than to believe that keeping Sansa ignorant would keep her safe; just look at the brutal murders of Aegon and Rhaenys Targaryen for a start...

Yes, the Queen and Prince are directly responsible for Lady’s death, and yes the king is indirectly responsible for not stopping it, but once again: Sansa is a preteen girl. Of course she doesn’t want to believe that the family she’s going to marry into is truly at fault for the loss of her direwolf or that all of her long-held dreams are just illusions. It’s easy as a reader to say that that event and the murder of Mycah should have been warning enough for Sansa, but from Sansa’s perspective it’s not nearly so clear, especially since Joffrey framed his torture of Mycah as traditional courtly behavior (i.e. ‘defending’ Arya, who is a highborn maiden and the sister of his betrothed). For one thing, Sansa doesn’t have all the clues we as readers do to let us know that the Baratheon-Lannisters are Bad News(TM). (In fact, unlike the rest of the Stark children, Sansa has no notion that there might be serious enmity between the houses of Lannister and Stark---as opposed to just between Jaime Lannister and her father---until it’s too late.) For another, while her father might have protested Lady’s execution, he still went along with it in the end without much of a fight, so it’s not as though the royal family are the only ones to have ‘betrayed’ her. Besides, her father is still friends with Robert and she’s still betrothed to Joffrey... that wouldn’t be the case if the royal family was untrustworthy or cruel, would it? Of course not.

When Ned tells the girls that they’re leaving King’s Landing, he never actually explains why and he refuses to let them so much as say goodbye to anyone. It’s only natural that Sansa is confused and upset by this! From her perspective, this drastic action came out of nowhere. She certainly doesn’t understand that going to Cersei is dangerous or a betrayal. She sees it as ‘my father’s being unreasonable, so I’m going to go to my mother(in-law-to-be) and ask her to talk some sense into him and fix everything’.

While Cersei was the one to push for Lady’s death, Sansa has otherwise only ever gotten a sympathetic impression of Cersei; when around Sansa, Cersei has appeared solely as a courteous queen and the dignified victim of her husband’s drunken abuse. If Sansa wants to stay in King’s Landing, who else can she go to? Her father refuses to listen to her protestations or to explain anything to her, her septa only says that she shouldn’t question her father, and most of her other acquaintances don’t have any sway over her father’s decisions. That only leaves the Royal family, but Sansa finds King Robert too intimidating to approach alone. (“The king could command Father to let her stay in King's Landing and marry Prince Joffrey, Sansa knew he could, but the king had always frightened her. He was loud and rough-voiced and drunk as often as not, and he would probably have just sent her back to Lord Eddard, if they even let her see him.”) And although Sansa believes herself in love with her “gallant prince” Joffrey, she seems to find him intimidating too, if this quote of hers from a feast is any indication: “Sansa looked at him and trembled, afraid that he might ignore her or, worse, turn hateful again”. Ultimately, that leaves Cersei as Sansa’s only real choice.

Sansa is short-sighted and selfish when she tells Cersei what little she knows of her father’s plans, but she isn’t actively trying to choose sides in a war, let alone betray anyone. She’s a preteen who just wants her life to go back to what it’s ‘supposed’ to be according to what she’s been taught; what, up until now, it more or less has been. Right now, the worst thing she can imagine happening is what’s already happening---her father forcing her away from the glittering court, from her beloved Joffrey, and from her future as Queen. She knows her father will be angry with her for disobeying him, but it will all work out for the best this way, right?

3.  How “great” and “catastrophic” Sansa’s betrayal actually was

Finally, let’s tackle the “great, catastrophic” part of Sansa’s betrayal. When Sansa goes to Cersei, she’s largely only confirming what Cersei already knew. And how did Cersei know this information? Because Eddard Stark himself told her as part of his warning. (In fact, if we go by the calculations by the brilliant people who put this exhaustive ASOIAF spreadsheet together, there were 3-4 days in between when Ned confronted Cersei and when Sansa went to her.) The only new information Sansa provided Cersei with was that her father wanted to get herself and Arya away--something that Cersei had likely already surmised--as well as the date, time, and location for that departure, thus giving Cersei a more complete and specific understanding of Ned’s plans. 

In practical terms, this means that the primary consequence of Sansa informing Cersei was to negate Ned’s ability to get Sansa, Arya, and other members of the Stark household safely out of King’s Landing before shit started to go down. (Of course, keep in mind that even if Sansa hadn’t gone to Cersei, the success of that plan wasn’t a forgone conclusion.) Now don’t get me wrong, if Ned’s plan to get his household out of the city had worked, that would have been a tremendous improvement over what happened in the original canon timeline, not only for Sansa and Arya, but also for the many innocent Stark retainers who were killed by guards at the Red Keep and for poor Jeyne Poole. That said, it wouldn’t necessarily have changed all of the catastrophic things that happened to the Stark family as a whole. Chances are good that Ned still would have been executed for his ‘treason’ or been quietly offed in his cell. And once Ned was killed, the North’s involvement in the war became pretty much inevitable. Any consequences beyond that are difficult to accurately predict due to the butterfly effect, but I highly doubt the Starks’ lives would have been all rainbows and butterflies. There’s a war ahead, and their enemies include people like Petyr Baelish, Tywin Lannister, and---unless they end up allying with (f)Aegon in this AU---eventually Varys and Illyrio Mopatis. The remaining Starks’ lives probably would have been less traumatic than in canon, but that’s not exactly a high bar to clear, y’know?

Conclusion:

What happens to the Starks in ASOIAF in general and in AGOT in particular is catastrophic... but Sansa’s actions in AGOT are not the primary cause. Petyr Baelish, Lysa Arryn, the Lannisters, the Boltons, the Freys, Varys... even Ned and Catelyn Stark themselves are more immediately at fault for what befalls the Stark family than Sansa. (Which isn’t to say that all of the above parties are even remotely equally culpable!)

One of Sansa’s tragedies is that she embodies and does everything her society has told her she ought to be and do as a Westerosi noblewoman and she still gets screwed over. Everyone gets screwed over by the Westerosi patriarchy, highborn and low, man and woman; even girls who naturally fit into the mold of Westerosi womanhood and possess almost every possible societal advantage aren’t safe. As many of our protagonists of ASOIAF learn, following the chivalric rules of the songs will aid you to a certain degree, but it will only protect you as long as everyone else is playing by those rules too; and, as Petyr Baelish warns Sansa---though admittedly not without external motives---“life is not a song”.

That said, a portion of the ASOIAF fanbase has misunderstood part of the point of this series. Yes, unalloyed belief in the romantic songs is stupid and will only lead to self-delusion and disaster and heartbreak, but that doesn’t mean that we should discount the songs altogether either. Don’t get me wrong: many of the messages propagated by Sansa’s songs are bullshit. The good are not always beautiful, and the beautiful are not always good. Most people aren’t entirely ‘good’ or ‘bad’. ‘Moral’ choices are not always rewarded and ‘immoral’ choices are not always punished. In fact, there isn’t always a clearcut ‘right’ moral decision available, just different gradients of bad ones. Heroism isn’t always sallying forth with a sword, and sallying forth with a sword is not always heroism. A person’s social status or adherence to social ideals is no indicator of their quality as a person. And so on. 

However, it is in romantic songs like the ones that Sansa so loves that we also find ideals worth striving towards... ideals like selfless love, loyalty, justice, kindness, duty, and mercy. Just because those ideals may not reflect reality or may be warped by an imperfect society is no excuse not to try to make them reality when and where we can, whether we are successful in it or not. In fact, it is because reality does not always reflect or reward these ideals that they are so important. Without hope for something better and a willingness to work towards it, we’re left with a world filled with only Tywin Lannisters, Petyr Baelishes, Cersei Lannisters, and Gregor Cleganes... and that would be a sad world indeed. 

When Sandor Clegane says the following to Sansa in ACOK, we aren’t supposed to agree with him: “There are no true knights, no more than there are gods. If you can't protect yourself, die and get out of the way of those who can. Sharp steel and strong arms rule this world, don't ever believe any different". The truth lies somewhere in between the brutality of so much of the world and the perfection of the songs. Most knights may not be ‘true’ knights and the ‘truest' of knights may not be actual knights at all, but that doesn’t mean that the concept is without value. That doesn’t mean that the purpose of ‘true’ knights is worthless. You shouldn’t count on being saved by the actions a ‘true’ knight or by acting like a ‘true’ lady, but you should evince the best qualities of those roles yourself.

ASOIAF is absolutely about death and betrayal and despair, but it’s also about love and loyalty and hope. It’s about existential romanticism and existential triumph. It’s about looking the abyss in the eye, but refusing to let yourself become it.

I think you understand this, at least in part, because you yourself say in the introduction that “This [the fact that so many of the characters suffer, often pointlessly, and fail] may sound very bleak and cynical, but it ends up being the glory of the novel. Because it makes the triumphs, when they come, more earned, human, and exciting. It reminds us of and honors our own victories, helps us make sense of our own reversals, and warns us against our vanities.” 

A Game of Thrones may not be “very kind to fantasy”, but I would argue that GRRM is quite fond of fantasy; he just wants us to remember that neither the trappings of high fantasy (crowns, tourneys, magic, wars, etc.) nor true heroism ever come without a cost. 

In conclusion: I understand where you’re coming from, and I understand that you didn’t have the necessary amount of space in your introduction to go into this level of detail, but... (ง'̀-'́)ง

#am i overreacting here due to YEARS of fans saying that sansa is The Worst Ever(TM) for making this mistake? quite possibly lol #but this is a meta that's been percolating in my head for quite a while & was going to be written even before i read hodgman's intro #sansa stark #asoiaf meta #sansa stark meta #a game of thrones meta #asoiaf #a game of thrones #meta #asoiaf women #things done by phos #long post #team sansa #cersei lannister #eddard stark #arya stark #septa mordane #joffrey baratheon #sandor clegane