#not to say nonbinary people dont have to deal w the same stuff as trans ppl obv bc Hello Thats Me ksnfkshfkek

[gibbearish]

hi i’m not really sure how to do this but i came from your uquiz and you seem knowledgeable and nice and so i’m asking you a question now i’m sorry

uhm, so, i think i maybe might be trans (ftm) because i’m super dysphoric and i sometimes look at guys and i get really jealous because they just get to, like, exist like that (i’m not really sure what the “that” is, but god, do i want it) and i very much don’t and when i refer to myself using he/him pronouns in my head it feels, uhm, at the risk of being a cliche, right, i guess.

but the thing is that i don’t really fit into any of the stereotypical trans guy things. like a lot of my friends when i was little were girls and though i have some stereotypically masculine hobbies (sports and physics) i also sew, and when i was little i was obsessed with being a princess for like a month before i started refusing to wear dresses.

i don’t think i’m non-binary, i tried using they/them pronouns this summer and while they didn’t actively hurt like she does, they didn’t really feel right.

so, like, am i lying to myself? i don’t know, maybe i just want to be special (i don’t want it, though, if i could just be happy as a girl i would).

sorry i just unloaded half an essay on you you obviously don’t have to reply and i know you’re probably not qualified to answer anyway, i just needed to tell someone, you know?

anyways, i hope you’re having a nice night or day or whatever. thank you, for, like, existing on the internet i guess. your quiz was very nice. bye.

howdy anon! dw i am always glad to answer questions abt this stuff even tho it make take me a while lol

my best advice for situations like this is i know its easy but don't let yourself get caught up in the trap of "well this is the label that makes me feel best but i dont technically check off every single box for it so am i just lying?" people arent video game quests, you dont have to hit every single box for it to count, youre allowed to have stuff fall outside the technical definition of a term while still calling yourself it. im very similar to you, i was in tap and ballet growing up, wore dresses and makeup for most of highschool, sewing crocheting knitting the whole shebang. but the important part is that none of those things make a difference to your identity. knowing how to sew doesnt make you a girl, it can just make you a guy who knows how to sew. its a thing you do, not who you are.

all that being said, i think another helpful angle to look at things is "does the distinction between two similar labels actually make a difference to me?" using myself as an example again, i dont call myself a trans man because while i do prefer presenting masculine, for some reason the term 'man' just doesnt feel right for me. but at the same time, to the rest of the world that's functionally what i am, right? so does that change /who/ i am? no. so for me personally, ive deliberately chosen not to file myself into either "trans man" or "nonbinary" and just move on with my day, because to me it doesnt actually make a difference which one i am, im still gonna stay on t, i still want top surgery, i still want to be perceived masculine, and thats not gonna change no matter what name is on the box so who gives a shit. just do what makes you happy

#also this is a side note but going back to the whole 'when i was growing up i was more feminine' angle #one thing ive found is that the more masc i get the more pressing the Need To Be Masculine becomes #so like. accepting that identities can be fluid and change over time can be very helpful imo #maybe i was a girl at one point and now im not‚ or maybe i never was‚ who cares. either way‚ im not one now‚ and thats what matters #gender is a game we were all forced to play from birth‚ youre allowed to say fuck all these rules im just gonna exist how i want #i hope this all makes sense and isnt an incoherent ramble labflsbfksbfkeb ive been having brain fog lately so i tend #to lose track of where i am when im talking sometimes #i dont think youre lying to yourself‚ i think introspection and understanding your identity are very difficult things to do #and i think like a lot of trans(?) people pre-everything youre scared that the answer will be 'yes‚ you are trans‚ and now you have to #figure out how to live in a way that feels right' #not to say nonbinary people dont have to deal w the same stuff as trans ppl obv bc Hello Thats Me ksnfkshfkek #but like. i feel like most ppl see it as 'figure out identity then work on transition goals' but like you absolutely dont have to #you can just say 'idk what i am but i know doing xyz will make me happier' and just go from there #and who knows! maybe doing so will change your understanding of yourself to the point you find picking a label far easier #or maybe it wont! you wont know till you try though #anyways hope this ramble helps have a good day osbfksbflsnls

[ezradogteeth]

do u have any advice or reassurance for someone who identified as a binary trans man for a long time and then realized he’s genderfluid and is kind of panicking about whether to come out again about it or just privately be genderweird and is questioning whether to continue hormonal transition? :)

i think its super normal and even cool to have transitioned as a binary trans person and later realized you're more genderqueer/genderfluid/nonbinary/androgynous etc. i know other people who have done the same thing, and i relate as well, more with my physical transition than my identity but yeah :)

i'd say for both hrt and coming out, it depends on what would make you happiest of course! if you aren't uncomfortable with people seeing you as male and think it wouldnt be worth it to come out again bc you're already fine with your social/external gender, its totally chill to just know you're genderfluid and be genderfluid on your own, no pressure to come out. but if you think youd feel more comfortable and understood if people knew you're genderfluid and maybe changed what pronouns they use for you (obvs u dont have to change ur pronouns if u come out either) etc, coming out again could be a good option! the people who love u will be excited for you figuring out yourself more and be happy to support you, i know it can be weird to come out again, but theres absolutely nothing wrong with changing how you identify. and remember u dont have to Formally Come Out all at once, u can also just tell your close friends one at a time when u feel comfortable with it, take it slow and casual, thats how ive been approaching changing my pronouns and some complicated stuff w my name.

as for HRT, i struggled a Lot to decide if i wanted to keep taking it, for months i was unsure. firstly i made a list of all the effects T had on me, positive and negative, and wrote each thing i thought about into two columns on a piece of paper (staying on T vs going off T) which helped me sort out on a practical level what going off it would mean. but its really all about the vibes lol like its completely cool for u to continue T and still be genderfluid, you don't have to meet any standard for androgyny, if you like being on T thats sweet. if you want to be read as more androgynous or feel like going off T would be more congruent with your identity, thats also great. and remember you can always go back on it in the future if you want!

everything i said was really obvious but yeah. its awesome that u have learned more about yourself and accepted it as part of you. whatever you do from here is up to you, and any path you take is great. personally, i find it worth it to re-come our to my closest friends and be open about changes in my gender identity and presentation, it helps me a lot even tho its a hassle to deal with. but as for acquaintances and strangers idc about coming out since any way they read me is whatever

it has been strange for me going very far with my physical transition (3years on T and had top surgery), and then deciding to go off T and present more purposefully feminine/androgynously. i love it tho its fun to explore now that i can choose with ease to be a boy or a girl or neitherboth etc since my body is v androgynous/masculine. love to be a girl with masculine features and love to be a boy with feminine features too. teehee

good luck i hope whatever you do makes u happy!!!

#transition #gender

[ingayderzim]

not to be that person who asks a googleable question but wtf is hazbin hotel bc i googled it and the only “critical” thing i could find was a typo-ridden article of someone saying it has good animation and its haters are stupid. i was able to glean what it is/what it’s about but idk about the discourse lmao

Im actually so glad u asked this. Here's the lowdown, this is my definitive answer to hazbin shit from here on out, unless new info comes about of course.

Hazbin hotel is an independent cartoon by vivziepop. Most people (that ive seen) have agreed that the pilot of the show really isnt that great but the reason it has so many fans is bc of the entertaining livestreams, massive amounts of canon content produced (she has had these characters for years), unique art style, and the characters. (Ass ugly but unique.)

Its haters are totally justified bc of some of the "controversial" (read: bad) things vivziepop has done. Here's the conclusion that my friends and classmates (several of whom are Black, one Hispanic woman, and one trans woman...nellie if ur reading this i 💜 u) and i came to after discussing this stuff. I am NOT saying "well my black/trans friend said it's ok so i dont have to think about it!" this is based on a few different conversations that my friends and i have had about this topic so what im saying is that my opinion was formed by talking about this situation with multiple people affected by the controversy.

One controversial thing is a drawing u can easily find on google (called beastiality.jpg i believe?) It's a cropped (chest and up, but hes obv naked) drawing of vivziepops character, drawn by vivziepop, moaning, with a snake around him. The character is 17. Many people have interpreted this as child porn. I dont think this image is pornographic, i think it's a stupid joke (it was even tagged as a joke iirc) and completely inappropriate but since it's 8 years old on top of not being porn, i think it's just an example of a dumb drawing. That being said, i would NEVER argue that someone who is uncomfortable w the drawing (im uncomfortable with it! It's gross just not porn) or considers it porn is wrong. They are entitled to that opinion and i would never expose them to vivziepops work or talk about her stuff around them if they expressed to me that they disliked the image.

Another thing is that she drew a doodle of two racist TERFs. This is the one where my friends of color, my friends who are black, and my friends who are trans women took the lead. I sat back for this part and here's their and my opinion on this after talking about it and verbally going through this whole situation.

She was following these women (who had done blackface and stuff) and drew art of them. The art was a "quick doodle" that she did apologize for and she said she didn't realize the extent of their beliefs. She knew they werent great but hadnt consumed much of their content in depth. I believe her bc while ive never followed anyone as bad, ive certainly followed some pieces of shit and didnt notice for months simply bc im not online all the time and bc of the volume of people i follow, combined with the non chronological algorithms lately.

At the risk of screwing myself, im going to admit that there was about a year or so of my life where i enjoyed The Amazing Atheist. I was even subbed to him. I was a nonbinary lesbian (2 things he cant stand lmaoo) in catholic school and therefore i strictly watched his videos about theological stuff since thats what was frustrating me at the time. I had no clue the type of evil racist, transphobic, homophobic (yes ik hes bi), misogynistic things he thought, said, and did, bc i didnt watch those videos. I literally only watched select theological ones that could be of use to me while edgily debating my teachers (sorry mrs macdougal but u had it coming). I was about 15 at the time and im 19 now. Im sorry to everyone i hurt by ever having supported him. I had one of his quotes written in the inside of my religion notebook in high school. I regretted it and ripped the page out the moment i discovered the truth about him. I cant stress enough how much I HATE HIM. Thats an example of what i think happened here tho.

One of my friends who is a trans woman said (paraphrasing) "i think the worst thing shes done is that terf art but i believe the apology especially bc it was a quick drawing."

That being said, i would NEVER argue with someone who wanted nothing to do w vivziepop bc of this. That's their right. 100%. I would never expose them to her work after that.

The last thing i remember is something about a pedophilic couple in a comic but i heard it was a 17 year old and a 19 year old. Im 19 and if one of my peers did that i wouldnt say pedophile but id say ur a fucking weirdo, BUT, the kids were fake and being written by an adult so i can totally see her thinking that age gap is much less of a big deal than it really is. Like she forgot what it's like at this age. Idk how true any of that part is tho, i heard that info entirely secondhand.

Another thing to do with racism is that there's a joke within the show where one character says to the other

"don't get your taco in a twist"

"Was that supposed to be racist or sexist?"

"Whichever one pisses you off more"

I thought that was gross but one of my friends pointed out that vivziepop is of el salvadorian descent so that's her business. Like if i made a lesbian joke of equal or greater offensiveness than that and someone tried to call me lesbophobic over it id be like "that's literally my territory."

Oh speaking of which that character's name is vaggie and shes a lesbian but it's not pronounced w the same G you'd hear in "vagina." Vivziepop seems to name characters weirdly (like how in helluva boss theres a guy named blitzo and the o is silent) so maybe it's a pussy joke but i have no idea.

The animation was.................better than i could do, i wanna say the faces and gestures were good but god i remember there was a part with a car and my gf had to pause so i could laugh my ass off at it. I wouldn't describe the animation as a highlight but i liked the style in motion i thought it was a fun change. Vivziepops style is not appealing imo but i appreciate it as an art student and as someone whose friends all like she ra and steven universe where every character looks the goddamn motherfucking same, and while its chaotic and i dont care for it, the style actually works way better in motion than you'd think.

A good rule that i def use is to assume hazbin fans are guilty until proven innocent. If someone says they dont care about the discourse surrounding it and like it no matter what, RUN! They would support the show even if the creator was in fact a pedophile, or had done the blackface/was a terf herself! They probably support some horrible ppl and are probably "anti antis." A lot of them are minors tho so i'd say block and move on.

So, do i like it or not? Im an art student and all my friends like it so while i didnt think it was funny, i do fuck with it. At the convention this weekend my friends and i had a convo that led to me drawing an ahego hoodie where the faces were angel dust (a character's) face. It was a joke that i could make a killing by selling that in a booth at a con.

Theres really nothing compelling about the show but my friends like it so i join in on their conversations, and i do have a soft spot for angel dust bc he's like a worse, less amazing and gorgeous version of one of my characters, Candy, the love of my life.

A lot of people say the show was edgy/offensive and maybe im just desensitized but besides the taco thing i didnt pick up on that whatsoever??? The Archer episode "Swiss Miss" is worse than helluva boss and hazbin combined and even archer isn't offensive.

Im probably not aware of all the "discourse" (aka people being reasonably uncomfortable by weird and bad shit this random woman has done, and other ppl saying their opinions are wrong when it's literally just an opinion about a show) so if anything she's done isnt included in here it's not to defend vivziepop, this is genuinely all i know. I wouldnt describe myself as a fan of hers.

#hazbin hotel #anon

[rontra]

ANONYMOUS ASKED:

i really like mwot and was wondering, do you wanna talk/loredump/etc about mwot during this blessed month of pride? (if not that's totally cool!!! i really like the au and am curious about it!)

REPLY:

YES!!!!

umineko spoilers below and LONG POST KSDJDKSKD i really went infodumping......you got me right in an infodumping mood....

also im being very casual in this post so if something is like weird or vague its probably because i got tired of thinking about it and skipped ahead. SKJDSJD

mwot is an umi au and its very gay and very trans because i, a gay trans, decided it was TIME to INDULGE

LIKE A MOUNTAIN WIND FALLING ON OAK TREES also known as MWOT, MW/OT, Mountain Wind + Oak Trees, MW+OT, or literally any combination of its parts, is an eva/natsuhi au, set in a vague modern big city setting

https://rontra.tumblr.com/tagged/mountain-wind-oak-trees

it’s a comedy, mostly? it has elements of backstory transphobia and  stuff like that but that’s not really the story i want to tell with it, so  i don’t go too deeply into it in the main fic. it’s mostly comedy and Self Care: The  Story (once these nerds get around to acknowledging that self care is  good, anyway!!!!)  

Eva is 20, nb lesbian (though she doesnt know half of it to begin with). generally a bitchard at the beginning but also deeply craving that Validation. Invested in making the fic harder to write due to pronoun shenanigans (shoutout to the lengthy section of intimate emotional scenes that uses no pronouns at all for eva but is narrated by them in 3rd person)

Natsuhi is like 21 i guess because im a sucker for her having like an annoying 1-3 years on eva bc eva would get mad about it. Also she’s trans, gray-ace, hopeless romantic, generally full of “quickly raising your eyebrows and looking away while sipping your drink and thinking Yikes” energy. weaponizes indifference but is no stranger to harder means. she’s a smart cookie

Sayo is also 20, gender clown car living her best life. Presents differently depending on mood and whim

krauss is like 22 or whatever. for housekeeping’s sake, rosa and rudolf are too young to matter (8 and 10, or something like that). dont even worry about it

honestly the weirdest part of the au is eva and sayo being the same age

also this au is the origin point of me & my friends using akikaze as nat’s maiden name. the more you know!

-

USHIROMIYA GOLD dishes up that yellow metal like you wouldn’t believe. led by kinzo whos so fuckin good at sniffing out that sweet sweet gold people are half convinced the man has psychic powers. Any piece of land he’s got his eyes on, he WILL get his hands on, no matter who owns it right now.

the land kinzo wants At The Moment is owned by the AKIKAZE FAMILY who have been notably on the decline recently. they’re in the economic shithole so this land is basically all they’ve got right now, so when kinzo wants it and it suddenly Has Value, they’re like “oh, shit,

anyway the deal basically shakes out that like, he gets the land and all the gold that may or may not be in it. he offers his eldest son in exchange for this land, to marry their daughter: in the bonds of marriage graciously ensuring a part of the winnings will spill over on them, while keeping them under his control without money coming into the picture.

Everything’s working out great and coming up kinzo. the deal is closed and everyone’s happy (i guess). until ONE DAY, just a few narrow weeks before the akikaze girl is set to move in with the ushiromiyas,

KINZOS

OLDEST

SON

DISAPPEARS

!!!!!

Krauss dislikes being told what to do, and his father’s ideals never lined up with his own. He thinks this entire thing is sort of fucked up and can’t live under his dad’s thumb anymore. That's why, immediately following Kinzo’s agreement with the Akikaze family, Krauss disappears. He’s just kinda left for greener pastures, to unfold his own life and pursue his own interests independent of the Ushiromiya name. He leaves behind a letter explaining it & basically he forfeits both name and inheritance, and Kinzo’s incredible deal is suddenly in jeopardy.....

obviously this is kinzo though, and all of his solutions are like, 20 times more complicated than they have to be? he’s DETERMINED to have this land so he’s like “i need an eldest son. shit rudolf is only like 9. fuck. well okay i have an eldest daughter with a deeply complicated need for validation and success entirely driven by her overall neglect at my hands“ and the rest. as they say. is history (???)

Ushiromiya Eva always saw Krauss as unworthy of the inheritance, and to her, his disappearance confirms this. She grew up always being made to feel inferior to her older brother, usually being ignored in favor of him, and it's bred a complex need for validation in her. Her values and strengths are more like Kinzo’s than her brother’s, and Kinzo recognizes this in the wake of Krauss’ disappearance.

basically he concocts this really wild scheme where eva has to pretend to be his oldest son and marry this girl or whatever so he can seal this stupid gold deal and she’s like “well lol if i get to be family heir” and hes like “yes that’s what im saying” and shes like “awesome let’s do it”

all of the servants are in on it too of course. specifically kinzo enlists SAYO who works there as normal staff and isn’t otherwise tangled into this family’s mess in any way whatsoever. she’s just here to serve tea and looks. anyway he’s like “you work on this with eva--i mean evan, my son, you must have misheard--and eva you have to listen to whatever yasuda says” and eva is like “that last part will not be frustrating for me at all”.

Yasuda as reigning Household Gender Presentation Expert is like “i think i just got orders from the master to bully eva?” and eva is like “i wish i could fire you but my dad just banned me from doing that” and then gradually...over the course of the project......they become....friends.........

(the au is tagged eva & sayo for a reason. they become FRIENDS!!)

mostly its just various combinations of shkanon dunking on eva and its all VERY good.

during all these shenanigans we make some startling realizations like “gender euphoria is a hell of a drug” and stuff, which is extremely harrowing for everyone (note: not for everyone. just for eva, who makes 10,000 realizations every day, and should not have been counted.)

(ok sidenote did anyone else put on their first binder & go like “hmmm. i live here now” because. mood. im projecting entirely into this fic)

Gender Clown Car yasuda (currently as lion) is like “you know there’s like more than 2 genders” and eva’s like “you fucking wehat”.

i also make a REALLY INVOLVED JOKE ABOUT CASTIGLIONI GOLD, THE RIVAL COMPANY, and how BEATRICE’S KID LOOKS A LOT LIKE LION, and EVERYONE thinks this is all VERY funny

(i would like to see it. also kinzo owes beatrice castiglioni $20 and she’s never let him forget it.)

now wrapped up in this stupid impostor scheme AND full of big wild nonbinary energy AND!! WITH AN INFURIATING NEW FRIEND!! IN THE STAFF!!! this one funky ushiromiya is all ready to get in on an arranged marriage or whatever. provided NO ONE EVER FINDS OUT that they’re faking it and replacing the Actual Heir, which would no doubt ruin the scheme AND bring kinzo’s wrath on everybody involved, of course.

-

AKIKAZE NATSUHI IS READY TO PUNCH HER FIANCE IN THE THROAT IF HE EVEN LOOKS AT HER but she understands what’s happening here. she knows she didn’t have a say in this from the very beginning. that the deal was sealed for her as soon as the name “ushiromiya” was said. she knows her family married her off quick in a bid to get rid of her. if she’s humiliated by this ordeal, she is far too proud to show it. she packs her bags and walks into the mansion with her head held high........and immediately has this exchange with her fiance

and this one

so that’s kind of the energy we’re going for with these two.

(natsuhi’s line in the second cap was going to be removed for being Way Too Intense, but everyone i talked to said it was too hot to cut, so i decided to indulge us all. blame the lesbians)

they IMMEDIATELY don’t get along but they kinda agree to like, mind their business, since neither of them are interested in playing house here. if they can get the wedding to go off without a hitch they can basically go back to never talking to each other again.

natsuhi’s entire angle here is essentially: her family was not that good, and this family likely won’t be better, BUT here she has a chance to build something new for herself. she’ll be out of her parents’ house. She needs this deal to stay for her own sake, but she has to get out ahead of her husband and set up a dynamic that favors her. when she meets evan she essentially gauges the kind of person she’s dealing with and picks her approach accordingly: this is not a soft man, and she has to be hard in turn to avoid being steamrolled.

and its VERY hot

anyway some stuff happens and it eventually they both sorta get each other’s secrets. eva is not the firstborn son and natsuhi is not the card kinzo thought he was pulling from her family’s hand and theyre both toast if word hits the public. directly after the wedding they establish a tense alliance of keeping each others’ secrets....

and then they.....fall...in l

there’s some fun tensions and realizations. eva is like “so im quickly catching on that no praise i ever received from dad was on my own merit and he’s kind of a dirtbag all around and his validation is kind of not worth it” and nat is like “word our parents are chains” & they run kinzo over with the down w cis bus. it’s fine. they get postcards from krauss sometimes. he has a motorbike now.

DID I MENTION THE PRACTICE KISSING

BC THEY HAVE TO PRACTICE! FOR THE!! PUBLIC WEDDING!!!!

and thats mwot i guess. it’s my au where natsuhi’s accent color is red and some other stuff happens too. happy pride month

#mwot #second time's the charm

[misas-biggest-fan]

are you reading/have you read any good fics that you'd recommend? I'm always looking for more good DN content!

heck YES anon lets do this!! also turns out i read a lot of B stuff LOL no surprise there NOW in no particular order!!

this isn’t a noir film by side-ho-ryuuzaki. WAY too cute and it takes place in LA!! L and Light are work partners solving a crime together. L has a real hard time trying to figure out how to charm Light and it is SO cute he’s so awkward! it’s all very sweet and charming and i admire side-ho-ryuuzaki’s dedication to posting schedule!!

at the heart of justice by LNaomi, where Naomi comes to work for L and they solve cases together! Very very cute and sweet, I love their relationship, and the climax had me on the edge of my seat!! the sequel has started too and it’s going to feature B and we all know how i feel abt him LOL, so i’m SUPER ready!!

heathens by sociopathicarchangel where B and A live together after LABB while B is in a special confinement. very very cool and fun!! I enjoy the characterization of B and A bc it’s way different from my own, so it’s fun to see something new! it’s also very creative!! :D

who said death was easy by thatonekawaiigirl13 !! super cool fic with an honestly rly interesting and fun oc, keiko! She enters the story from the beginning and her presence changes things in the story for L and Light! It’s a lot of fun, steph writes the canon character’s lines, like, PERFECTLY!!

trembling before the machinery of other skeletons by youremyqueen. it details different relationships B’s had in his life. it is very sad and might make you cry bc i nearly did!! she also has other B fics ik and im working my way through them slowly bc theyre so good! 

good nights by skinandpit. AH ok so found this one recently and nearly keeled over with joy. B and misa get together behind Light’s back in a normal life AU. the characterization of B in this au like literally, i mean, im obsessed, ive read this like 3 times. He’s trans and he’s rly rly sweet w misa, which is like, my jam on multiple different levels. he lives w his brother L, recently got out of jail (what for idk), has trouble keeping jobs, feels like everyone thinks he’s a burden, and he’s Desperate For Attention. He’s a hot mess, it’s like, the ideal B characterization in my mind. this person also has multiple other B fics that i also read and loved but this is my favorite. it says its a first chapter, but it hasn’t been updated in a while. fingers crossed it does, i commented like 3 times, but if not it still makes a sick one shot. this person ALSO has other B fics that I also love love loved, but this was my fav for sure

she lives with little joy or fear by jettiebettie. this was another awesome find! this person also has multiple B fics, but this was my favorite. B sends Naomi puzzles and letters from prison and he’s very very in character and it’s also sweet!! a big favorite bc i love seeing naomi and B interact.

campfire stories by lallorona04. this is a story for their super cool and fun monster AU and i am an absolute sucker for monsters in any capacity. there’s only one chapter rn, which was super cute and fun!! and definitely one to keep your eye on for more :D

silent partner, unfinished business by huitzil. they recently sent this to me and i haven’t had the chance to crack it open yet, but it looks super good and fun and i can’t wait!! it’s got misa and naomi and i LOVE them both!!

ALSO since we’re talking fics, i have to tell you abt mine!! LOL these two are part of a series. i’m writing them both simultaneously and you can read them that way too, if youd like! my username on AO3 is MisasBiggestFan! also i deal primarily in platonic relationships which like, ik lots of people dont like, but!! if you give it a shot maybe youll think its fun!!

an exercise in minute details. L and Light live next to each other in an apartment complex and torment each other in an effort to connect. Meanwhile, Light’s ordering hitmen on the side and L is trying to bust him and neither of them know that the other knows!! They have a lot of tender moments. (they’re both trans and aroace and i spend a good amount of time talking abt their identities, which like, idk if anyone else digs that, but it’d be super appealing in a fic to me personally.)

a means to an end. B escapes prison almost immediately after LABB and begs Naomi to help him find and save his best friend, A, from killing themself. However, Naomi has a hard time trusting B, despite how much she’s finding that she loves him and enjoys spending time w him. At the same time, in flashbacks, B tells A abt their lifespan and it tears A apart. (A and B are both nonbinary!! B is aroace and Naomi is bi

DISCLAIMER!! i already know im forgetting fics. if you dont see your fic here but you know ive read it, chances are i loved it to death and only forgot to include it now bc im v tired and a little overwhelmed! ALSO !!! if you have a fic youd like to me to read, pls pls send it my way!! i dont do sex-heavy stuff or non-con, but otherwise id love to read everyone’s stuff!

#death note #beyond birthday #ill tag him since i a;ldkfj read a lot of B fics #mine #fic recs #ty for the ask anon i hope this helps you!!

[feraldavestrider]

Honestly when you started saying you need dysphoria to be trans I was this close to hitting the unfollow button but I agree with you. sometimes people say "I don't have dysphoria I'm just happier as this gender" and like ??? maybe you should consider how happy you actually were before whatever transitioning you did. Sometimes I feel kinda empty and don't wanna do things. I'm not sad and I can deal with it indefinitely but guess what, that's still depression. Not all dysphoria is obvious.

yeah!! ill be honest i was mostly frustrated and i just woke up when i wrote that stuff so i wont b surprised if i lost some followers who didnt get what i meant/thought i was truscum/transmed,,,, or if ppl just dont agree which is life. but im glad u got what i meant!

**edit i made before i posted this i say “you” a lot in this and i mean like a general audience you mostly pointed towards like. op and those that agree ok note over**

i by NO means am trying to police ppls identifies or suggest that all experiences w dysphoria are the same. or that u should ever need to share details on those experiences! you dont owe anyone anything.

my main issue is that “tucute”/mogai tumblr propagates this idea that you can just be trans without feeling any discomfit w ur agab, and the associated name, pronouns, ur physical form (ie some various forms of dysphoria). because then what are we boiling being trans down to???? saying youre trans/nonbinary just bc you may dress in a gnc/non conventional manner or because u act/talk/have certain hobbies that are gendered in a way that doesnt fit ur assigned gender???? if you genuinely feel NO issue with ur agab at ALL then chief... u probably arent trans!! and thats ok! a lot of ppl i know have ided as trans at some point in their life and actually realised they were experiencing something else, like body dysmorphia or internalised lesbophobia. 

like u said, dysphoria can sometimes just be... not bery apparent. it can be silent, but its still there. im very skeptical of the idea of ppl habinf gender “euphoria” without the dysphoria n using that to explain their transness but mostly bc i just beliebe those ppl r dysphoric without realising it, probably bc of mogai/tucute tumblr culture! i.e. i didnt realise how bad i actually experienced name dysphoria until AFTER i changed my name basicaly everywhere except legally and w my family. bc i was like huh! im so euphoric at being called gabe, but i didnt think i felt thay dysphoric at my birth name! but NOW when i get deadnamed, it like. HURTS most of the time. dysphoria can change like that w ur life experiences, and euphoria doesnt exist without the dysphoria, evem if u arent aware of the dysphoria in rhe first place! like u said anon, how okay could u be w ur agab/birth name/assigned pronouns/etc if being called different ones make u so happy. its just dysphoria!!!

! u just have been indoctrinated by this tucute v truscum war where both sides treat dysphoria as an all encompassing tragic, epic life long suffering. truscum act thay way in order to gatekeep who is/isnt trans, and mogais decided thay RATHER than go, “no dumbass dysphoria can be literally just. hih i feel Wrong abt my agab” even if thats a vague and complicated feeling, they went: ok then we dont need dysphoria fuck u! which i INDERSYAND but its just not right or helpful!

 often dysphoria can change w experiences and comes and goes, and sometimes parts of it are so hodden u wont realise it was there until years later in ur life! and thats ok. you dont have to experience every symptom of dysphoria at 100% tragedy pain mode to be a valid Real Transgender. all you need to be trans is... to be trans. which means dysphoria! bc being trans is being uneasy/unhappy w ur assigned gender bc u arent that! and guess what the definition of dysphoria is... being uneasy and unhappy! so being trans is just having gender dysphoria!

on that note, i think that ppl who DONT actually feel uneasy or unhappy w their birth gender but do want to experiment or explore different modes of expression w names/pronouns/dress style should! but just note tjay like... ur probably just gender non comforming, not transgender

i guess being nonbinary is a little more complex but id argue my point still stands. you are uncomfortable w ur birth gender. thats dysphoria. maybe ur dysphoria seems “”””weird”””” bc ur nb dusphoria but its not. its still dysphoria!  if ur afab and u still want to have long hair... thay dossnt mean u dont have dysphoria. if ur agab and you still want to have armpit and leg hair... thay doesnt mean u dont have dysphoria. whether ur nb or binary trans! bc. you WILL have some form of social/personal dysphoria that is what makes u go HM ASSIGNED GENDER BAD! 

ok im done for now im abt to sleep and then get on an 11 hour plane journey so dont expect anything gr8 from me now or anytime near in the future sorry for my big rants but i just feel like tumblr is so black n white on this issue when both aides are! stupid (obviously transmeds/truscum r worse but still!!! mogai tend to get me heated in a New Fun way). 

sorry 4 word vomiting anon bit thanks 4 ur ask i wasnt sure if anyone would get where i was coming from n im glad u agree!!! thank u fr for sending tjis in. habe a good noght/day/whatever 

#/discourse #the void it speaks #anon #answered #yea thanks for sending this in #i know seeing 'u need dusphoria to be trans' is usually like #a big red warning sign for transmed bullshittery #which i get #but like #im right #HAJDJCKDDKCKDKSKDKKCKD #and not a transmed lr truscum!!! teehee #i am... just cofrect #im so tired fim 2 pass out bye

[karak9]

Another stupid long post about how I don't know my own fucking gender

This is honestly just copied and pasted from a yt comment I made on an older vid and I figured I'd share it here bc tumblr loves this shit I guess lol. God damn I've been questioning my gender for so long and ik rn im prob not still in the best position to be thinking about deep life shit like where I am mentally and im dealing with a lot in my life and also very insecure about potentially being trans bc a lot of my friends don't seem like they would be very accepting and my bf is only really into girls. I asked him how he would feel if I was nonbinary or looked like a boy and he just said he wasn't totally sure but he's only attracted to girls :c he's the sweetest bf in existence and im honestly so afraid of losing him, so aside from obviously not wanting to deal with all the other trans shit, I definitely hope im not trans bc I don't wanna lose him. Anyways, ill start with my childhood I guess. I was always super tomboyish. My older sisters (im the youngest sibling btw) were always p tomboyish so maybe I kinda got it from them but I kinda felt like I was more tomboyish than them? I felt like I was the most boyish girl I knew, like even meeting other tomboy girls in elementary school I felt like I couldn't really relate to them or like they couldnt relate to me enough idk. I also remember once making up a song about being like so tomboyish that I was basically a boy or something along those lines and sang it to my best friend at the time who I copied like all the fkin time (it honestly wasnt healthy lmao I didn't have good parents, also I think I started making up songs bc she did that and I wanted to like impress her), but she thought it was stupid and weird so I just forgot about it and moved on. I was embarrassed to even enjoy playing with dolls or play dress up games online and was determined to play masculine games like runescape (even tho I ended up doing girly shit in runescape anyways lmao) and considered myself one of the guys. In 5th grade when I started needing to wear a bra I absolutely didn't want to, tho some girls in my class thought it was weird I didn't wear a bra when they found out and that made me more insecure about it, but since then I've p much only worn sports bras. I have bought some more normal bras bc I wanted to look attractive in them for my SO or whatever but I still highly prefer my sports bras and can't stand wearing the other ones unless I have to bc my sports bras aren't clean lmfao. I always hated talking about genitalia and breasts n shit but that could just be bc of how I was raised and how my family was always so strict and such radical Christians and anything sex related was a sin, idk if its dysphoria or not. I've never rlly liked my chest and hated showing cleavage like so god damn much and still do but maybe that's the same thing or maybe I just want smaller boobs and that's it idk??? Like I'd want to appear to have a completely flat chest at least, idk if I'd want to actually like have a guy chest or not? Also huge issue with ppl seeing me naked or touching my boobs but again idk if that's gender related or just a normal issue I have. Tho I had a friend in high school (a girl, a very weird lewd girl) who would occasionally grope my chest randomly and it wasn't a huge issue but kinda made me uncomfortable and more aware of my chest. I really like when I wear big hoodies or when I lean over so my shirt kinda poofs out and it looks like I have a flat chest underneath. Though im not super uncomfortable with my boobs, like normally ill want nothing to do with them but I don't mind my SO touching them especially if they're really into it. I wouldn't say im rlly dysphoric about between my legs either, like yeah I think its weird and I hate monthlies and stuff but I think that's normal. I think if i woke up one day and had a dick I would be fine with it, I'd prob even enjoy it tbh lmao. I once had a dream that i was, well, a male dog like,,, ya know, with a female dog, and not to sound weird af (hey we were both dogs ok) but I think i kinda enjoyed it? I don't really remember any other dreams where I remember actually having a dick or feeling it but I've had several dreams as a male person, but p much all of them were like, I was seeing through a character's eyes or smth, not really that I was a guy, so idk if that's normal. I have the same dreams about being other girl characters, I'd say its split about 50/50. Because of this game community im in, a lot of ppl assume im a guy, and a lot of people still think im a guy and I haven't really bothered to correct them but idk if I find it more enjoyable bc its funny or if I enjoy not being referred to as female for once. I'll admit I feel most comfortable referred to as they/them, like without a doubt, if I could go by only 1 set of pronouns for the rest of my life it would be they/them. But ik that's not enough to call myself trans. I definitely wouldn't want to be 100% male. Like if I imagine myself as a grown man vs a grown woman id prob choose to be a woman. I don't like my voice but I think that's mostly just bc I sound 10 years younger than I actually am, and wouldn't really want a deep/masculine voice. Like a "tomboy" voice would be fine if that makes sense? I don't want facial hair or want to have a masculine body, I like that I have curves and soft skin and small hands. Personally I like my hair long bc its soft and people love it, but sometimes I kinda wish I had short hair and could pass as a boy. Like I'd wanna be a typical cute kpop boy ngl lmfao. I like the whole cute androgynous/feminine boy look and wish I could pull it off. Tho I also like really girly things sometimes and am okay being seen as a girl, i just want to be cute and attractive. Ik whether im trans or not I like being a mix of feminine and masculine, tho I admit in the past I've been kinda insecure bc I used to be super sure I was nb and thought me liking girly things and wanting to still havd long hair and wear girly clothes made me seem like "not trans enough" or whatever. But i guess here I am questioning myself again anyways. If I am nb, it sucks that ill never really be able to be openly myself and all but I've accepted by now that I kinda have to pick a binary and choose what I want to be seen as for the rest of my life, and im ok with being female. There are some things I dont like about my body whether they're really gender related or not but I can't afford to transition and wouldn't like most of the effects of T and am afraid of surgery and not sure I want top surgery enough to ever get it anyways, but I think if we lived in a perfect world and I could magically change my body at will and I wasnt afraid of judgment or being unattractive or whatever, I'd probably want to look androgynous and itd be cool to be able to change my genitalia at will lmao. If I had to choose 1 genitalia over the over I honestly have no idea what I'd choose but I have no desire to ever get bottom surgery, at the same time tho I honestly wanna someday get surgery or w/e to never be able to get pregnant. I just could not handle pregnancy or giving birth and I don't even like babies and breast feeding sounds awful so if I ever have kids they will be adopted 100% and most likely be older and like not newborn babies lmfao, babies are honestly so weird to me and they stink and cry and they're so fragile and im so afraid of like dropping them when I hold them lmao. But I like my nieces and nephews and I like being the cool aunt (is there a gender neutral version of aunt/uncle?) who lets them use my art supplies and helps them do fun stuff even if I get tired of them sometimes lol. Idk if that's gender related either but yeah I guess. This if kind of a more recent thing but I often say I'd make a great bf kinda as a joke bc of how I am in relationships like being the stereotypical sweet bf type who makes things for their partner a lot and wants to be their knight in shining armor and their protector and all that, but again prob not rlly trans related lmao just thought I'd throw that out there I guess. So when I was 17 was when I really started getting into trans stuff, prior to that I mostly just learned from my parents that trans ppl were "against god" and all that bs, and eventually started realizing lgbt+ isn't as bad as my family said and later realized I was bi. But anyways I met an agender person online when i was 17ish and I'd never heard it before and thought it was really interesting and asked them how you know you're agender bc after hearing their explanation of it i thought it described how I felt, but ofc they weren't transmed and just described it as being like a deep feeling or whatever and since then i started calling myself agender (and switched between a few labels but basically nonbinary) until my transmed friend told me I was ridiculous and that I wasn't trans, and honestly he was a huge dick but im a huge pushover lmao and I thought well he's trans so he must know what he's talking about, and though I felt discouraged about it I stopped calling myself nonbinary. Then I began questioning it again after not too long and basically since then I've been questioning my gender off and on. I'm now 22 and god I fucking hope im cis but also I feel like a part of me doesn't want to be cis if that makes sense?? Idk if that's because I don't like being a girl for some weird deep reason I don't know about despite being pretty sure I've gotten a lot of my feelings and their reasons behind them figured out, or if it's because I am trans and dont want to force myself to pretend im a girl 100% forever. At the very least, whatever the fuck my gender is, I want to continue going by they\them wherever I can and pretending to be a boy to strangers online and I'd love to cosplay male characters and bind and occasionally just dress masculine for the hell of it and probably wear sports bras for the rest of my life. I feel like in a way I cang possibly be trans because I can live with all of those things and be fairly comfortable still being seen as female for the rest of my life. But idk, I have bpd and other mental shit so sometimes im not great with my feelings (tho I do try really hard to identify all of my feelings/emotions and stuff) but at the same time bpd can cause weird identity shit so maybe its just a weird mix of a bunch of crap and im not actually trans but just weird and tomboyish enough to question my gender for 5 years and still be unsure. Also I know a lot of ppl suggest talking to a therapist/psychologist/whatever professional and trust me I would love to but I can't currently and am unsure when ill be able to bc they're expensive and I live in the middle of fucking nowhere so finding a decent therapist around where I live rn is going to be very difficult. Also, I have fucking crippling social anxiety lmao like I'd be so afraid to open up about this stuff even to a professional. So if anyone could suggest anything online that could help that would be amazing

#Trans #nonbinary #nb #genderqueer #gender questioning #transmed #pls help me lmao I hate my brain sm #also im so sorry if this post is scuffed af #im on mobile #its 4 am I cba

[carnifcrous]

could you give me a rundown on what being gender critical is? i get the basics i think but if you don’t mind explaining your views?

oh boy anon i’ll sure try!! idk if im the best person to talk about it tbh and ive confused a lot of people trying to explain my views before ahfjkfh but ill try REALLY hard to keep my adhd ass in check lmfao. if theres anything i said thats confusing & you need cleared up feel free to @ me againi dont know how long gender critical has existed as a concept, but i wouldnt be surprised if it was developed as a reaction to a certain VERY vocal part of the trans movement/trans rights activists

(so when you talk to people (trans ppl) about gender i think people usually break it down into several a few categories: gender identity, gender roles, and gender expression. i think most trans people are aware of & separate their sex from their gender identity, the identity being something innately part of every person, the roles generally speaking the bullshit that society expects & should be rejected, and gender expression really just being the traditional “feminine” or “masculine” behaviors/dress you use regardless of your innate identity.in trans circles/lgbt (merch, lol) sites i’ve seen the phrase passed around “gender is a social construct.” i think trans people who do/used to say that meant it kind of like that since gender was created by societies so it doesn’t matter how you identify/why not expand the understanding of gender (ergo, non-binary genders getting popularized). i think this fell out of popularity because it was transppls attempt to validate ourselves and conservatives cant wrap their mind around social constructs are/the distinction between sex and gender and so it wasnt really working out lmfaobut now there’s been some scientific studies getting popularized that have Suggested the existences of male & female brains and that trans ppl have the brain of their identified gender, therefore the disconnect between their brain and their body manifests as gender dysphoria. (i think the transmed community has especially taken to this idea esp because of kalvin garrah discovering these studies & now kind of preaching them as facts & science. with this comes him, his friends, and all the transmed ppl who stan him ryan and london saying that Gender Isnt Socially Constructed)then theres the posts circling around here saying Transwomen Are Women/Real Women + when the women’s march happened in america after trump got elected, i saw quite a few things on facebook where ppl were saying that all the talk of vaginas and shit were transphobic and trans-exclusionary and they should keep in mind that not all women have vaginas, etc etcthen u have what i believe (or at least hope) are outliers in the trans community being dug up (usually transwomen) who say........ The Most ridiculous shit imo. like saying theyre more of a woman than ciswomen (i’ll use cis strictly to mean not-trans in the context of this post), transwomen claiming theyre having a period, and just in general perpetuating “cotton ceiling” stuff like lesbians just needing to get over their transphobia to be with a pre-op transwoman. (again i would like to reiterate i DO NOT believe this is what the majority of transpeople believe, its just a vocal minority thats gotten attention from receipt blogs IMO.))**sorry that this post is already becoming an essay and if its derailing from the question, but this is what i think gender critical stuff is meant to react toso kind of in opposition to mainstream ideas of what gender is, i think radfems/gender critical people dont really break down gender into the different things like identity, roles and expression. from my understanding, gender was socially constructed based on sex stereotypes. i think we can all agree that stereotypes are Bad, so why should we identify with some set stereotypes?

the gender critical beliefs is that there’s not right or wrong way to be male or female (male and female in this post meaning to strictly refer to biological sex). gender is holding us back by continuing to subscribe to sex stereotypes and is counterproductive to building a society where people are free to express themselves however they like. (a lot of gender critical ppl equate gender identity with personality, and while i think this can sometimes be the case w nondysphoric people & mogai genders, it isn’t always and usually isnt, because as i mentioned before, a lot of ppl know enough to say that gender expression is something independent of gender identity.)as for my personal take on it & how it plays a part of my life (apologies that this is going to get super anecdotal):this all is related to my own transition. since questioning being trans, i fluctuated between different non-binary identities. i didnt think i was Trans Enough to call myself a transmale because i didnt want to kill myself over not having a penis (or even trans enough to call myself trans at all lol), so i thought i needed to stay as being nb. then i realized they/them pronouns did...... nothing for me. the whole time i had she/they/he or they/he in a profile i was always secretly hoping someone would just call me he lol.

but i felt like i was an insult to REAL transmen. it took me a while to realize that i didnt care too much about the specifics, i just needed to do what made me happy. that happiness was being read as male & using he/him pronouns.

but even then id still struggle. id have moments of thinking that i was just copying my best friend (who had a similar nb -> binary transmale path as me), or that i didnt even feel like a boy, that i was STILL faking being trans, that i should feel more of x y & z, that id made a mistake with starting testosterone, etc. reading radfem/gender critical stuff used to trigger the fuck out of me lmfao.i think what i eventually realized for myself and the sentiment other gender critical transppl share is that i was setting up an expectation/standard for myself that was impossible to attain. with mainstream gender theory, a cisman and i share our gender identity, our gender is the same (”cis” as its used to “identifying with your biological sex”). the thing is though, in terms of sex/gender, theres nothing i find that i have comparable to a male. i dont act like a “man” because im not one, im a TRANSman. ive lived most of my life so far as female and being socialized that way has been significant to me. i relate a lot to women and its always felt wrong to me how suddenly because im transitioning it felt to me like i was expected to revoke my right to speak on feminism/womens experiences. way before i discovered gender critical things i was pissed off at people trying to be “allies” to transpeople saying shit like “all men are trash transmen are real men so theyre trash too uwu!” like. fuck that. and fuck you for insinuating i would EVER treat a woman the way that men do.

like i know there are transmen (and just transppl in general, for that matter), who try to overcompensate with misogyny/misogynistic ideas because they think itll help them pass better but fuck

anyway. im proud of being a natal female and being socialized that way. being trans isnt exactly a party but im glad i could get the insight i have into the treatment of women and so forth. and the thing is, this isnt a contradiction to me being trans at all. once i let go of whether or not i was “male enough” of “valid” as a boy, i could once again just focus on the very concrete evidence in my life: i was EXTREMELY dysphoric about my chest. i’ve been on hrt for almost two years now and ive had top surgery. my dysphoria is almost non-existent since ive had surgery. i dont mind & even get excited about all the changes coming from being on testosterone. (dont like that i cant sing like i used to and that i’ll probably end up balding at least by my 50s if my dads head is any indication, but cismen have this problem too so whatever)

also ive never felt quite right when i was calling myself gay (exclusively attracted to men). i share some issues that gay men might, i Can be affected by homophobia because i Do pass as male, but its still not 100% the same experience and i think that distinction is importantmy concerns & how being gender critical is important to me:

me coming out as trans was a process over time. using the usual trans rhetoric, i was having difficulties explaining myself to people. specifically im thinking about my mom. when i said i was uncomfortable with being seen as a girl, she said she was uncomfortable too. she liked dressing more like a boy. some other shit she said too that i dont remember, but my basic takeaway: cispeople, particularly ciswomen, arent necessarily enthusiastically identifying with their correlated gender to their sex, because..... no reasonable person likes gender roles.

and i get worried about people like my mom who might be encouraged to identify as nonbinary just because theyre gender non-conforming. the identity itself wouldnt be much of a problem except that it seems to me like its being pretty normalized for nonbinary people to just kind of....... experiment with medical transitioning to try to achieve some Ideal androgynous form that would be.... Very difficult to achieve. i worry about people not thinking medical transitioning is a big deal and just kind of.... disregarding all the potential health consequences, how powerful testosterone is as a hormone, and so on. with the permanent changes that come people THEN end up experiencing dysphoria and life is.... really pretty difficult for detransitioned women from what i can tell, and a lot of people talk about how theres been a spike of people detransitioning lately.

i think part of the problem is 1. transmed/truscum people harassing & bullying nondysphoric trans-identified people, so they feel the need to medically transition to Prove Themselves and 2. just in general the aforementioned idea that everyone has a gender identity. i think itd be very uncommon for people to “identify” as cis, and so you get this whole mess of people thinking they need an androgynous body to match their androgynous identity......... etc.

bonus: my mom crying on her birthday because she said she didnt think shed be able to ever see me as a guy. “nonbinary, maybe, but you dont act like a boy.” problem solved, i dont act like a guy, i act like a transguy!!

also again, need to reiterate that i cant relate to men. i can never Become Male, not with our current technology. i was not socialized as male and thats okay!! its okay because im just doing what i need to in order to be comfortable with my body and myself. i dont need to worry about my dating pool seeing me as a Real Man because they can see me fully as the transman i am and my relationship with being a natal woman and just, shit like that. ive gotten a lot more comfortable with even being called she when it does happen (by accident by family members). its not a swear word to me and ive let go of a lot of expectations i thought i had to meet with being uncomfortable talking about my female organs and my past as living as a woman etc etc. im not trying to Be anything anymore. im just trying to live as myself

some of my issues with the gender critical community just as a disclaimer:

i have a lot honestly and im not going to be able to name them all off the top of my head

makes sense that it would be, but i think the community is rampant with transphobia in the sense of flattening transpeople to the “transcult” stereotype where they just..... dont seem to think of us as individuals. they think we’re all genderists getting triggered by misgendering & demanding our pronouns. they think all of us are “delusional” about our natal sex. they think we’re all gender conforming. they dont take dysphoria seriously in general, ESPECIALLY males experiencing dysphoria (i get that your feminism doesnt have to be concerned with “men” but come on). misgendering is just disrespectful to me (idgaf about rapists, whatever use whatever pronouns you feel the need for those people.)

just in general some people dont get that trans people can still exist in a post-gender world? and you can still be critical of gender while respecting people’s pronouns? by their very nature i think the transmed, radfem, and especially gender critical communities are attractive to bullies so you have those flocking to it, and thats an issue but... yeah.

this answer has gone on long enough and im really sorry anon im sure you didnt sign up to read a 13 page essay. i just got lost in my thoughts and felt like i had a lot of explaining to do. i think my feelings are both simple and complicated so idk if i even really answered your questions, i hope i did..., ;;

#sorry in advance guys i literally never proofread #and i had family come over in the middle of me typing this so i lost my train of thought midway #i dont know where to put this but some last thoughts #the transpeople who insist they have nothing to do with their natal sex make us look like a fucking joke #like thats so easily exploitable by transphobic conservatives #and im tired of them having that leverage because theyre fucking idiots and dont deserve any sort of intellectual upperhand #gender theory has a lot of holes in it i think and its way too easy to poke at right now #also i think even more important than transmen its important for transwomen to acknowledge they arent the same as ciswomen #i know dysphorias a bitch i know it sucks i know it hurts #im trying not to let my privilege let me forget because i DO have a lot of privilege #but when we're talking about females as an oppressed social class #you dont neatly fit in & share that same experience #doesnt mean you dont have problems/face oppression! but its most likely because youre trans #not because of your identity #also my take on gender critical theory is that it just..... fits for me #i had that whole section about why its important to me #but i also dont really care that much about ppl still subscribing to gender theory #like you do you boo i just think it can be harmful sometimes #anyway #long post #radfem #gender critical #discourse #pine speaks

[twinkrundgren]

Hey. I hope this isn't too personal or invasive, but could you explain the reason you identify as demiboy but don't want to be called male/male aligned? This is more of a curious inquiry and I hope it doesn't come off in some negative way.

my experuice w/ masculinity is very little, think of it as a touch of boy or a side of boy and the main dish is agender. i dont appreciate being thrown in the binary again because if i ided with being all parts of male, id say i was! the experience being nonbinary is different from being a binary trans man and ive had people misgender me as a man and it makes me incredibly uncomfortable. male aligned has basically become tumblr speak for male anyway and simplifies the complexity of nonbinary genders once again forcing people into a binary. male privilege also becomes more hazy because at what point on the agender to male scale do you have male privilege? if youre 1% boy or 99% boy? id rather not deal with that stuff when so much of my identity is comprised of being nonbinary and not being a man or a woman or anything like that, anf tumblr has never really gave anyone a concrete answer on how nonbinary people interact with privilege anyway. when people call me male aligned they assume that i adhere to the same privileges as men which is not true, and tbh i dont know how much of it i do have, but those terms mostly just shove me in a binary i dont want to be in and assume my experiences as a nonbinary personi hope that makes sense, i dont want to seem like im absolved of privilege but assuming nb peeps have the same privileges is ignorant at best and misgendering at worst

[mental-itch]

The Solar System Bunny Boy 🐇: I'm Bunny Boy but you can just call me Bunny. I'm Aromantic-Panromantic flux and asexual and Nonbinary and I use he and they pronouns. I'm an odd kid, 16 years old. I suppose I was the first person, or the original, but I don't like being called that and I'm not the host. I'm an artist, that's what I love to do. I want to be an animator/comic book writer!! I have bad anxiety and dissociate a lot, and I have ADHD and talk too much lol. The others (depending on who) pretend to be me in public when I can't front cause they want to avoid questions. I've been told I'm v caring and nice so don't be afraid to say heeeey (especially if you want to art trade). Astrophel 🌟: hi I'm astrophel but evrywon calz me aster! My ful naym meens lover of the stars becuz I luv space lots and lots!! I don't have a gender cuz I'm a shadow, the shadow uf the universe (who loves me very much). So um ya I'm not hyuman I'm a shadow person and I can shayp shift to whatever shayp. I hav sharp theeths and I don't hav an ayg. I hayt skool and I HAYT MATH SOOOO MUCH DONT TALK ABOWT IT WITH ME EVR.  I get upset eesy two soooo um hi Note from the others: also don't ever say anything about sex around them they are sex repulsed to an extreme, they couldn't even mention it it's so bad Room 🏠: I am an actual sentient room named Room. Many may consider me a strict caregiver/protector. I feel myself to be responsible when it comes to working because I am a business man. Yes, I am a man and use he pronouns. I am pansexual and panromantic. I try my best to be courteous, generous, and polite; if you ever need an ear to listen, I am here. I enjoy writing essays, reading, wearing suits and ties, spending time with my partners, cleaning, listening to and making puns, parenting, and the simple things in life, such as eating cookies. I project a human version of myself to better fit the body and convey myself more clearly to the others, but I am truly a room. I have several relationships and a few children (adopted and from giving birth myself; all are equal in my fatherly love). I have a facet system of my own that I try not to talk about it or split apart onto it. Logic is a kind sir, kindle his fire. Hugo 🔪: We decided to write this for him because we don't want to get hurt. But we are going to write what he says word for word."Hugo is the name, pain is the game. Cheesy I'm sure it sounds, but look how it rolls off of the tongue like a switchblade. Ahaha, formally, I am known as Hugo, Demon of Pain. But humble as I am, a simple 'Hugo' will often suffice. My story is a long one, for I was not always a demon, I was turned into one a long time ago... At one time I was a human, I had a spouse and two children. I worked in a graphic design business. Long had I suffered from schizophrenia as a child, but as I got older it seemed to be less of a deal, small things, small psychotic breakdowns. Easy. I had medication that helped, too. But then, it turned on me, my mind, the things. These horrid figures with eyes, They touched me and spoke to me. They threatened to take away my family unless I did what they said. First, it was simple things like harming myself. At one point I had cut open my cheeks, wrapped it in a scarf and headed to work. I was told to stab my boss, and I did, in his leg. He didn't press charges since he knew me well. I was sent to a mental hospital, however. Horrible. Horrible. Eventually I was let out, with a different medication. My spouse and children were scared of me. I couldn't tuck them in at night. I misplaced the medicine. I was so far gone, they convinced me to do it myself. I murdered my family. As I stood in the bathroom of the empty house (in which I had set fire to), I stared at myself in the mirror, feeling the heat of the flames. I tried to kill myself, cutting my neck open, but I didn't die. Demons don't die. Thus I was sent back in time to live through the history of my dimension and never to be the same again. I was reborn, and I take supreme joy in the fear and suffering of others. I would be happy to share my many stories from that time, if you ask nicely. I have now ended up here in this human's mind. Disgusting. I'll ruin them. It shall be fun. Entertaining, even." So um yeah that's Hugo. They are genderfluid between a man a woman and Agender. They consider themself divine. They love to entertain people, they are like a scary clown. DO NOT ANTAGONIZE THEM. PERIOD. This is for your own safety and ours (mostly ours). M1nu5 (Minus) ➖: M1nu5 types in numbers and has difficulty typing so we will write his for him too. M1nu5 is an unfinished android who, in human terms, would be considered autistic. He loves math, trains, Pikachu, machines, metal, and lemon and mint flavored things. He goes mute a lot. He has a fear of loud noises, water, spiders and salty and sweet things (unless it's lemon or mint). He is very socially awkward. His creator was abusive to him and threatened to take him apart, so M1nu5 killed him (he's not very violent though really unless Hugo makes him do something). He can't feel pain and has a close relationship with Hugo. He lives in the Room's basement and tinkers with machines and stuff. Wybe X 🐾: so um this headmate is blind and so was will type their's too. So we just call them Wybe and they talk to us through speech bubbles. They are an upright standing alien dog from another world (they look like a furry lol) and their eyes were gouged out. When they front they lick people haha. They can take off their head because in their culture they could do that as a greeting, kind of like tipping your hat I guess. ~Doodle~ 🎨 and (Echo) 🎶: ~Hi my name is Doodle I'm 12 years old and I'm the god of art!!! Ps dicks:P~ (ugh I'm Echo and I am the God of Music and Literature.) ~I mean technically I'm hundred of years old but I promise I'm 12~ (...he's twelve) So those two are counterparts if you can't tell. Doodle is severely ADHD and very impulsive and loud and offensive and loves memes and bothering people, but he just wants attention. These two inhabit the minds of great artists, always together, because the one time they spilt up, Echo came back afterwards so depressed he died, but he came back as a ghost. So yes, Echo is dead, a ghost god. He's still very depressed and grumpy and mean. Doodle was raped a lot and is hypersexual. So these two fight a lot and stuff, but they have their good moments. Echo is a trans boy and Doodle is genderfluid between a boy and a girl. Mallow 😇: A small sweet blob of white, the true infant child cinnamon roll, too good for this world, too pure. They talk funny. They try their best to help us when they aren't dissociating far away from us. They are actually the bastard child of the angels (where they are from angels were not allowed to be born, only made). Their parents were killed and they were stripped of their wings and halo. They still have an obsession with angels. Even with this past, they are still very innocent and sweet. Oddly enough, Aster can not see or hear them. They love animals very very much and claim they are all their friends. Say hello Mallow!: "The very much hello to the people in the phone!! Nice to do the meeting!!" Rags ✌: Rags is mostly a rag doll being who sits in the headspace. They were created to stop a war in another dimension, and freaked out when they got here. They rarely ever have consciousness, but are generally very soft and nice when they are (unless they are having flashbacks and then they're just scared). We don't know too much about them. They are a demigirl and use she/they pronouns Doomsday 🌋: this little kid is the child of Hugo and Room, very cute, but they have strange breakdowns. They are a funny toddler, being part demon and part room. They like to bite things (including people) and know only a few words. They like to draw and they like circles and the colors yellow and blue. They like to be called a crocodile and like crocodiles. They worship this being called 'W' that looks like a 'w' and we aren't sure why but I think it helps keep the bad things away or something. They spend a lot of time with their parents. They won't really be fronting because they can't type let alone spell, but you might hear about them!

#system #osdd-1b

[paradoxnbstuff]

okay so i need to talk about this for a minute

because usually i can find some shit about this on youtube or a transition blog somewhere but i cant for some reason this time? and its one of those difficult things to think about that I’ve been putting off for like years. so. anyways. top surgery stuff.

so first of all I have this habit of mine that’s taken a while and lot of shit to notice. it was probably a left over from growing up with my abusive dad and trying to survive that. but basically I’m very good at putting something aside in my head and so thoroughly convincing myself it’s not something that’s bugging me (subconsciously) that when it comes time to actually think about it I legitimately cannot tell how I feel about it. I’m talking about sitting and thinking about it for hours, plus research, and actively taking stock of my reactions as they happen to try to just. logically deduce what’s actually going on in my brain based on physical symptoms of emotional reactions I can’t actually feel. and obviously anyone can see how that would be incredibly useful in a situation like my parents where I had no choice in the matter for 18 years, and i could either constantly wallow in misery and agony and hurt and stress and confusion and terror at just living in my house 24/7, or i could section it off. and create like. a new baseline for myself. ex my baseline became that state and then went up or down based on negative or ‘positive’ things that happened from that baseline. looking at it objectively it was all obviously still horrible and stressful and traumatizing but i wouldn’t have been able to get through it if I was consciously aware of that the whole time. So that’s where that developed.

But weird backstory aside this has carried over to certain things in my life on my own since I moved out too. It’s why it took me so long to figure out gender shit and why I still haven’t figured out my sexuality even though I don’t lack the vocabulary or even really experience to. it’s affected my relationships with people, but I’ve been practically religious about trying to make sure I identify it when it happens and dedicating a lot of time and thought to unraveling whatever’s going on and stopping it, because fuck that I refuse to let it mess with the people I care about. There’s certain markers but it’s not like most things where you experience negative emotions and there’s a natural pathway from point a to point b. the markers are me having to stop and look at the past few months or longer and pick out patterns of times when i acted illogically in similar way, and cross ref it to see if it came with a feeling of abstractness where i couldn’t identify what emotions i was feeling. but like. its like trying to identify nothing. anger or happiness or w/e is easy like hey im feeling that but trying to notice when you’re feeling nothing or something unquantifiable? much fucking harder. and the trigger for me to start wondering if something is going on is when it starts to impact my quality of life negatively in some way. so. a really fucking stupidly difficult logical approach to untangle some very complicated emotions. which is sadly necessary.

so that’s the method I use to realize when this is happening. hasn’t really gotten any easier but i can do it i guess. and this is what’s happening now with me and top surgery? it happened with the decision to start testosterone, (’but im happy with how i look and sound!’ god no ur not u fucking disaster ur brain just didn’t want you to be miserable 24/7 and tricked you into thinking u were) and i think it’s the same thing with this. but i don’t. know??? for sure???? so I’m having to figure out this incredibly difficult and emotional decision with only purely factual patterns to go on and my emotions, which im not sure are fake or not, plaguing me every step of the way. so im just gonna fucking write em down and hope it helps.

fact 1: i never wear a bra. ever. it’s always either a binder or binder-adjacent like a sports bra. it’s been like that for 3 ish years now and it’s not stopping any time soon. i’m violently uncomfortable wearing a bra. 

fact 2: i dont like touching my chest or nipples. (tmi ish warning w/e) when I’m having sexual relations with another person im again, violently uncomfortable with the other person touching my chest. i will repeatedly redirect or say no if they start to with absolutely no doubt about it.

fact 3: i don’t like wearing tight clothing if i can’t bind. when I go to the gym and work out I wear a sports bra and wearing tshirts that show that fuckin. again feel nearly ill.

fact 4: i don’t mind seeing my chest in the mirror? like. I have/had a lot of dysphoria about my body, specifically my hips and the kinda hourglass dip in between ribs and hips and the way e gives fat distribution around the upper hips around the waist and thighs and butt. that’s mostly gone now due to a combination of T and working out, but I still don’t mind seeing my chest in the mirror. that’s possibly because I’m literally like 3/4 of an A cup at max but. yknow. this is also one of those things that is COMPLETELY based on feelings. and it feels suspiciously like when I’m trying to gauge my reaction and get ‘yeah I feel neutral about this actually’ but is really just very skillful repression. and I can’t tell. so. that’s great. it is a subjective fact, as opposed to the previous 3. 

fact 5: if i stretch my arms up it looks like i have a flat chest (bc i i have like no boobs to begin with) and the reaction I get to that is a definite. reaction. it’s an adrenaline based one. but another issue i’m working on is i can’t tell the difference between happy excited adrenaline and panic adrenaline and therefore when i feel happy excited about something i start fear panicking instead and it sucks but yknow. so I get an adrenaline thrill. that I can’t identify as fear or excitement. so that’s. there? fuck

fact 6: i’m not male. I figured that out a long time ago but it’s become important again recently that I am n o t a trans man. I’m solidly nonbinary. T was and is the right decision for me. So is building muscle. So is my decision now to grow out my hair again. So is my clothing that is decidedly not masculine fairly often and my makeup (that can be either to help with the masc or just to make me feel hot, or feminine sometimes). But this is something that’s....like. It would make me look a lot more masculine. like a lot. like it would be looking in the mirror and seeing that (without the big scars you see a lot underneath, i wouldn’t have that) and I don’t know if that’s something I want. but at the same time, that’s what I want to look like in clothes. I don’t fucking know.

fact 7: i know there’s probably some underlying fear in there of like societally ingrained disgust for non-cis bodies. and I know for a fact I’m attractive as a feminine person. and doing this means that I’m committing myself to a permanent non-cis state. I’m in no way saying there’s anything actually wrong with that, I’m saying that I know there’s things in the way I’ve been raised that inherently shy away from that still. It’s not something I want and it’s something I have to deal with but it probably is playing a part in my fear in this.

fact 8: currently, my main reason for tentatively starting the application process is my health. I love being active and healthy and exercising and I know that binding long term hurts your ribs and lungs, and I also know that I’m not going to stop binding any time soon if I don’t have top surgery. And getting it just for health reasons is a perfectly valid reason to do it. And if I am actually neutral about my chest and not just tricking myself? I’m totally happy with this being the deciding factor.  

anyways. yeah. the problem with dismantling a mental block you’ve set up for yourself is it involves actively unlocking self hatred and pain that you can’t put back in the box once you’ve opened it until it’s dealt with. so there isn’t a ton of incentive to. ngl it didn’t happen with testosterone fully until after I’d been on it for a few months and realized how fucking desperately I needed this to be happening. but I don’t think that’s how I want it to go with top surgery. I want to know before I go through with it what I’m feeling and what I want. and it is. VERY fucking difficult. god. yeah. anyways. that’s where I’m at. thanks for coming to my ted talk.

#im trying my best gdi #three cheers for trauma and trying to fucking cognitive behavioural therapy yourself bc ur broke #but anyways uh #yeah #i dont know #honestly any thoughts on this from an outside perspective are welcome #because it will probably help me figure out what im feeling no matter what the question is either way #god #i need. idk what i need.