#you dont neatly fit in & share that same experience

[carnifcrous]

could you give me a rundown on what being gender critical is? i get the basics i think but if you don’t mind explaining your views?

oh boy anon i’ll sure try!! idk if im the best person to talk about it tbh and ive confused a lot of people trying to explain my views before ahfjkfh but ill try REALLY hard to keep my adhd ass in check lmfao. if theres anything i said thats confusing & you need cleared up feel free to @ me againi dont know how long gender critical has existed as a concept, but i wouldnt be surprised if it was developed as a reaction to a certain VERY vocal part of the trans movement/trans rights activists

(so when you talk to people (trans ppl) about gender i think people usually break it down into several a few categories: gender identity, gender roles, and gender expression. i think most trans people are aware of & separate their sex from their gender identity, the identity being something innately part of every person, the roles generally speaking the bullshit that society expects & should be rejected, and gender expression really just being the traditional “feminine” or “masculine” behaviors/dress you use regardless of your innate identity.in trans circles/lgbt (merch, lol) sites i’ve seen the phrase passed around “gender is a social construct.” i think trans people who do/used to say that meant it kind of like that since gender was created by societies so it doesn’t matter how you identify/why not expand the understanding of gender (ergo, non-binary genders getting popularized). i think this fell out of popularity because it was transppls attempt to validate ourselves and conservatives cant wrap their mind around social constructs are/the distinction between sex and gender and so it wasnt really working out lmfaobut now there’s been some scientific studies getting popularized that have Suggested the existences of male & female brains and that trans ppl have the brain of their identified gender, therefore the disconnect between their brain and their body manifests as gender dysphoria. (i think the transmed community has especially taken to this idea esp because of kalvin garrah discovering these studies & now kind of preaching them as facts & science. with this comes him, his friends, and all the transmed ppl who stan him ryan and london saying that Gender Isnt Socially Constructed)then theres the posts circling around here saying Transwomen Are Women/Real Women + when the women’s march happened in america after trump got elected, i saw quite a few things on facebook where ppl were saying that all the talk of vaginas and shit were transphobic and trans-exclusionary and they should keep in mind that not all women have vaginas, etc etcthen u have what i believe (or at least hope) are outliers in the trans community being dug up (usually transwomen) who say........ The Most ridiculous shit imo. like saying theyre more of a woman than ciswomen (i’ll use cis strictly to mean not-trans in the context of this post), transwomen claiming theyre having a period, and just in general perpetuating “cotton ceiling” stuff like lesbians just needing to get over their transphobia to be with a pre-op transwoman. (again i would like to reiterate i DO NOT believe this is what the majority of transpeople believe, its just a vocal minority thats gotten attention from receipt blogs IMO.))**sorry that this post is already becoming an essay and if its derailing from the question, but this is what i think gender critical stuff is meant to react toso kind of in opposition to mainstream ideas of what gender is, i think radfems/gender critical people dont really break down gender into the different things like identity, roles and expression. from my understanding, gender was socially constructed based on sex stereotypes. i think we can all agree that stereotypes are Bad, so why should we identify with some set stereotypes?

the gender critical beliefs is that there’s not right or wrong way to be male or female (male and female in this post meaning to strictly refer to biological sex). gender is holding us back by continuing to subscribe to sex stereotypes and is counterproductive to building a society where people are free to express themselves however they like. (a lot of gender critical ppl equate gender identity with personality, and while i think this can sometimes be the case w nondysphoric people & mogai genders, it isn’t always and usually isnt, because as i mentioned before, a lot of ppl know enough to say that gender expression is something independent of gender identity.)as for my personal take on it & how it plays a part of my life (apologies that this is going to get super anecdotal):this all is related to my own transition. since questioning being trans, i fluctuated between different non-binary identities. i didnt think i was Trans Enough to call myself a transmale because i didnt want to kill myself over not having a penis (or even trans enough to call myself trans at all lol), so i thought i needed to stay as being nb. then i realized they/them pronouns did...... nothing for me. the whole time i had she/they/he or they/he in a profile i was always secretly hoping someone would just call me he lol.

but i felt like i was an insult to REAL transmen. it took me a while to realize that i didnt care too much about the specifics, i just needed to do what made me happy. that happiness was being read as male & using he/him pronouns.

but even then id still struggle. id have moments of thinking that i was just copying my best friend (who had a similar nb -> binary transmale path as me), or that i didnt even feel like a boy, that i was STILL faking being trans, that i should feel more of x y & z, that id made a mistake with starting testosterone, etc. reading radfem/gender critical stuff used to trigger the fuck out of me lmfao.i think what i eventually realized for myself and the sentiment other gender critical transppl share is that i was setting up an expectation/standard for myself that was impossible to attain. with mainstream gender theory, a cisman and i share our gender identity, our gender is the same (”cis” as its used to “identifying with your biological sex”). the thing is though, in terms of sex/gender, theres nothing i find that i have comparable to a male. i dont act like a “man” because im not one, im a TRANSman. ive lived most of my life so far as female and being socialized that way has been significant to me. i relate a lot to women and its always felt wrong to me how suddenly because im transitioning it felt to me like i was expected to revoke my right to speak on feminism/womens experiences. way before i discovered gender critical things i was pissed off at people trying to be “allies” to transpeople saying shit like “all men are trash transmen are real men so theyre trash too uwu!” like. fuck that. and fuck you for insinuating i would EVER treat a woman the way that men do.

like i know there are transmen (and just transppl in general, for that matter), who try to overcompensate with misogyny/misogynistic ideas because they think itll help them pass better but fuck

anyway. im proud of being a natal female and being socialized that way. being trans isnt exactly a party but im glad i could get the insight i have into the treatment of women and so forth. and the thing is, this isnt a contradiction to me being trans at all. once i let go of whether or not i was “male enough” of “valid” as a boy, i could once again just focus on the very concrete evidence in my life: i was EXTREMELY dysphoric about my chest. i’ve been on hrt for almost two years now and ive had top surgery. my dysphoria is almost non-existent since ive had surgery. i dont mind & even get excited about all the changes coming from being on testosterone. (dont like that i cant sing like i used to and that i’ll probably end up balding at least by my 50s if my dads head is any indication, but cismen have this problem too so whatever)

also ive never felt quite right when i was calling myself gay (exclusively attracted to men). i share some issues that gay men might, i Can be affected by homophobia because i Do pass as male, but its still not 100% the same experience and i think that distinction is importantmy concerns & how being gender critical is important to me:

me coming out as trans was a process over time. using the usual trans rhetoric, i was having difficulties explaining myself to people. specifically im thinking about my mom. when i said i was uncomfortable with being seen as a girl, she said she was uncomfortable too. she liked dressing more like a boy. some other shit she said too that i dont remember, but my basic takeaway: cispeople, particularly ciswomen, arent necessarily enthusiastically identifying with their correlated gender to their sex, because..... no reasonable person likes gender roles.

and i get worried about people like my mom who might be encouraged to identify as nonbinary just because theyre gender non-conforming. the identity itself wouldnt be much of a problem except that it seems to me like its being pretty normalized for nonbinary people to just kind of....... experiment with medical transitioning to try to achieve some Ideal androgynous form that would be.... Very difficult to achieve. i worry about people not thinking medical transitioning is a big deal and just kind of.... disregarding all the potential health consequences, how powerful testosterone is as a hormone, and so on. with the permanent changes that come people THEN end up experiencing dysphoria and life is.... really pretty difficult for detransitioned women from what i can tell, and a lot of people talk about how theres been a spike of people detransitioning lately.

i think part of the problem is 1. transmed/truscum people harassing & bullying nondysphoric trans-identified people, so they feel the need to medically transition to Prove Themselves and 2. just in general the aforementioned idea that everyone has a gender identity. i think itd be very uncommon for people to “identify” as cis, and so you get this whole mess of people thinking they need an androgynous body to match their androgynous identity......... etc.

bonus: my mom crying on her birthday because she said she didnt think shed be able to ever see me as a guy. “nonbinary, maybe, but you dont act like a boy.” problem solved, i dont act like a guy, i act like a transguy!!

also again, need to reiterate that i cant relate to men. i can never Become Male, not with our current technology. i was not socialized as male and thats okay!! its okay because im just doing what i need to in order to be comfortable with my body and myself. i dont need to worry about my dating pool seeing me as a Real Man because they can see me fully as the transman i am and my relationship with being a natal woman and just, shit like that. ive gotten a lot more comfortable with even being called she when it does happen (by accident by family members). its not a swear word to me and ive let go of a lot of expectations i thought i had to meet with being uncomfortable talking about my female organs and my past as living as a woman etc etc. im not trying to Be anything anymore. im just trying to live as myself

some of my issues with the gender critical community just as a disclaimer:

i have a lot honestly and im not going to be able to name them all off the top of my head

makes sense that it would be, but i think the community is rampant with transphobia in the sense of flattening transpeople to the “transcult” stereotype where they just..... dont seem to think of us as individuals. they think we’re all genderists getting triggered by misgendering & demanding our pronouns. they think all of us are “delusional” about our natal sex. they think we’re all gender conforming. they dont take dysphoria seriously in general, ESPECIALLY males experiencing dysphoria (i get that your feminism doesnt have to be concerned with “men” but come on). misgendering is just disrespectful to me (idgaf about rapists, whatever use whatever pronouns you feel the need for those people.)

just in general some people dont get that trans people can still exist in a post-gender world? and you can still be critical of gender while respecting people’s pronouns? by their very nature i think the transmed, radfem, and especially gender critical communities are attractive to bullies so you have those flocking to it, and thats an issue but... yeah.

this answer has gone on long enough and im really sorry anon im sure you didnt sign up to read a 13 page essay. i just got lost in my thoughts and felt like i had a lot of explaining to do. i think my feelings are both simple and complicated so idk if i even really answered your questions, i hope i did..., ;;

#sorry in advance guys i literally never proofread #and i had family come over in the middle of me typing this so i lost my train of thought midway #i dont know where to put this but some last thoughts #the transpeople who insist they have nothing to do with their natal sex make us look like a fucking joke #like thats so easily exploitable by transphobic conservatives #and im tired of them having that leverage because theyre fucking idiots and dont deserve any sort of intellectual upperhand #gender theory has a lot of holes in it i think and its way too easy to poke at right now #also i think even more important than transmen its important for transwomen to acknowledge they arent the same as ciswomen #i know dysphorias a bitch i know it sucks i know it hurts #im trying not to let my privilege let me forget because i DO have a lot of privilege #but when we're talking about females as an oppressed social class #you dont neatly fit in & share that same experience #doesnt mean you dont have problems/face oppression! but its most likely because youre trans #not because of your identity #also my take on gender critical theory is that it just..... fits for me #i had that whole section about why its important to me #but i also dont really care that much about ppl still subscribing to gender theory #like you do you boo i just think it can be harmful sometimes #anyway #long post #radfem #gender critical #discourse #pine speaks

[oh-theatre]

Consistent

A/n: HI HEY I WROTE FOR THE INTRUALITY BFFS AU I HOPE YOU ENJOY! Uh basically just a few things from across the au, its probs confusing so ask me questions :DD and ill answer. But ye! Let me know if you want more okay BYE IM SORRY ITS BAD ENJOY

Words: 1860

Warnings: Swearing, kissing, therapy mention

Pairings: Logicality, Demus, possible prinxiety

Summary: Just some moments from across the Intruality bffs au!

“Elevate a little higher!” Remus sings, Patton chuckles but nudges him to quiet as weird looks glance their way. Apologizing with his eyes he continues working away, Remus whispers next to him, bobbing his head to the music. “Throw a party in the-” 

“Could you not?” A voice from across the room begs, a smirk hidden by a bite from Remus. Pattons blush quickly appears as he pops his head out from behind his friend. “Oh! Patton” Logan notices, both sharing a rosy tint to their cheeks.

“Just get married” Remus mumbles, pretending to focus on his math. Patton coughs, turning back to his computer, Logan scratches the back of his neck, patting away the sweat with his handkerchief. Roman bites back his own laugh but says nothing. “Play ‘Frozen two’, I wanna listen!” Remus pleads, a sweet affection as his eyes push forward.

“Its your phone and airpods?” Patton hands him the device, a giddy shuffle as Remus starts the playlist. Both instantly feel more triumphant as they continue their work. “Show yourself!” They sing together, fits of laughter as they dance. Logan once more goes to shush the pair but finds himself endeared with the boy. They had come to expect these antics, when all six had been put into the same study hall they knew chaos would ensue. Dee looked on, watching Remus butcher every last note as his own music blasted in his ears. 

“Hey, broadway!” Virgil lashes, Remus turns, an innocent perk to his ears. “Maybe shut up so Dee and I can focus?” He spits, Remus obliges but only after he sticks out his tongue. Winking slyly at Dee, the more quiet. “God, hes worse than his brother” Virgil mutters, erasing roughly at the problem he had failed to do. 

“Its fun V” Dee admits, his own foot matching the rhythm of his music. “Plus lets be honest, its Friday, no one is actually working” He continues his silly doodles across his homework, knowing he can finish it in two minutes. Virgil huffs but keeps quiet, the distraction too much. 

“Be right back” Patton whispers, taking his laptop towards where Logan and Roman sit discussing their psychology classwork. “Can i?” He wonders, Logan hiding his excitement nods. “I had a quick question about our recipe?” Patton sits, Logan listens. “I was wondering if you wanted to tak-” He pauses as the music in his ear shifts. 

‘I just had sex!’ Rings out loud, Patton's eyes grow wide quickly turning to Remus. His idle face as he conceals his giggles looking at his work. Logan tilts his head but Patton simply removes the device, recovering from his fright.

“Your question?” Logan repeats, Roman mimics his brother with his own dancing. 

“I was thinking we could maybe take it a step further?” Patton proposes, knowing how anxious Logan was about his culinary abilities. “A pastry tree, we start with bigger ones on the bottom and slowly work our way up! So we can experiment and give the judges different options” He finishes, the sweetest of smiles.  Logan wants to argue, find a problem but his plan worked and worked well for their grades. 

“We can try” He decides, a quick grin and Patton leaves once more. Silent punishment to Remus when he returns to his seat. The class continues and ends fast, they all part to lunch, gathering in their separate areas.  

~~~

“You good lego?” Roman asks as he unpacks their chairs from the locker, Logan snaps back from his distant stares into the bleak plaster. He nods taking his seat, his eyes setting upon a very hyper Remus and Patton as they prepare for their meal. “Hey Virge” Roman greets, Virgil and Dee join them, a quadrant of four chairs forms. As usual…

“What's up with nerd central?” Virgil asks, snapping in front Logans face. He shakes his head returning once more. Virgil follows his gaze however, biting back a knowing smile, Patton already sunk into his book as Remus lays his feet across the boys lap. “Ya know, I heard that they were dating” He puts out, Logan snaps his eyes, fear ridden.

“Hah! Please, Remus and Pat?” Roman laughs, sitting down with a shake. “Thats hilarious, Remus and Patton are best friends and anyway Remus has a huge crush on Dee” He adds, munching into his sandwich. Dee rolls his eyes, a soft kick to Romans knee. 

“I know, just wanted to see what glasses over here would say” Virgil teases

“I assure you, I could care less about Pattons romantic status” Logan adjusts his glasses, sitting neatly eating his food. Virgil and Dee share a glance but leave it be. “We should invite them to sit with us, they are our friends” He offers, no qualms could be made. They did consider the pair friends...so what was the problem? 

“Sup losers” Ethan kicks his chair into the circle, forcing his way between Roman and Dee. 

Ah right…

Ethan

~~~

“Easy Remus!” Patton urges watching his friend balance atop the table trying to hang the valentines decorations. The door opens, Logan accompanied by Roman, Dee and Virgil strut in. “Remus get down” Patton asks, Roman chuckles, a sweet squeeze to Patton as the group passes them. “Tell your brother hes being an unsafe” 

“Just say idiot” Roman corrects, Pattons expression changes as does Remus’s. He removes himself from the table, returning to his spot behind the desk in the library. Roman sighs, dragged away by Virgil. Patton sits next to his friend, softly kicking his friends chair.

“You're not an idiot” He assures, Remus nods, burying his head in his arms. “Ro’s your brother, its his job to make fun of you” Patton comments, Remus huffs wishing the insults wouldn't go so far. “Come on rum-rum” He hums, Remus giggles, frustrated with his resilience. “Come help me please and then we can go home, watch a movie, make snacks, build a fort” He says, laying his arms and head on Remus’s back. The idea sounds wonderful, but hes not sure hes up to it...just yet. “Oh and dont forget we have therapy today” Patton reminds, Remus groans. He knows its helpful and he gets to do it with his best friend but the idea terrifies him. “I know you dont want to...but its going to help” Patton encourages

“Fine, on one condition” Remus decides, annoyed with his friends walking eggshells around each other. Patton faces him, furrowing his brows in question. “You have to go up to Logan right now, kiss him and then ask him to be your valentine” Remus dares, Patton squeaks almost knocking over the books behind him. 

“What!” Patton exclaims “You cant be serious! Youre not actually leveraging therapy over my valentines right now” 

“Do it or you'll be flying solo” Remus leans forward, Pattons breath seizes as he swallows looking towards the said target. “Hmm” He sighs, wistfully looking away. Patton shuts his eyes tight but snaps.

“Fine” He barely whispers, Remus cheers pinning delighted in his chair. 

“Have fun!” Remus grins watching Patton walk away, so much hesitance to him. Patton wrings his hands as he approaches the group, Logan spots him a formal smile to the boy. He stands to meet Patton halfway, Patton takes a deep breath. 

“Pat-” No time, he takes Logans tie, only tugging softly as he pulls the boy into a kiss. The absolute silence that falls over the room save for Remus’s disbelief, is frozen. Pattons heart pounds until suddenly Logans melting right into the kiss. 

And its perfect, its absolutely everything Patton had dreamed of

He pulls away in a frantic panic, forgetting what he was doing. Logan clears his throat, dusting himself off. Neither dared to move or speak, they simply stared in delighted confusion.

“Will you be my valentines?” Patton remembers the deal, Remus pounds hard on the desk through his exasperated laughter. “Im so sorry” He rushes, ready to turn away in his shame, feeling a soft hand take his. “Im sorry im not thinking straight” Pattons fear drips out of him, feeling the world grow silent with the simple pound of his breath.

“Ever! He's not straight!” Remus calls out, shushed by Dee. 

“I would love to be your valentine” Logan replies, a soft tone just for them. Roman and Dee erupt into cheers, Virgil nods satisfied as Remus waste no time running into his friend. Embracing the petrified boy, Patton still believes he's dreaming as Remus hugs him. “And you don't have to make a deal, I would have done it regardless” Logan adds, Remus falls to the floor much to happy.

“You told him!” Patton cries, Remus can barely nod. 

“He just texted me” Logan shows, Patton's face surely matched that of a tomato. “I'm glad however, it was taking too long” Logans coy expression only set Patton's heart a flutter.

“Motherfucker!” Remus stands, taking Patton from behind, the teens feeling safe in one anothers hold. 

“Yes good point” Patton murmurs, Logan chuckles. One more quick peck to Pattons cheek before he returns to his friends. “I'm gonna faint”

“Do it coward, you wont” Remus dares, still nuzzling into Patton's shoulder. Patton locks eyes with Dee, tuning out the silly teases from Remus. 

“Dee would you like to be Remus’s valentine?” Patton inquires, Remus falls silent. “Sucks to suck” He jokes, patting Remus as he returns to his position. Dee stands, ignoring the eyes that now watch him. Remus stutters failing to connect a coherent sentence. A hushed conversation and the pair meet in the hallway. Returning moments later, now words spoken but their interlaced fingers said enough. 

Suffice to say, Patton and Remus had a very good first session.

~~~

“One cold brew for you” Remus presents as Patton approaches the locker, Logan accompanying him in the early morning. He takes it, the most grateful look upon his face, Logan yawns. “Goodest of the morns Logan” Remus smiles, Logan nods through his exhaustion

“Coffee starlight?” Patton offers, Logan moans in happiness taking the caffeinated drink. Remus laughs sitting comfortably in his chair, kicking Patton in a rhythm. The boy doesnt mind, hes used to the fidgets and it didnt hurt. 

“Pickles did you do the homework?” Remus questions scrolling through his computer, Patton sets up his chair, taking his coffee from Logan. He gestures towards his own locker, Patton nods a quick kiss goodbye.

“Gonna have to be specific” Patton says, allowing Remus to lay his feet across him. Remus shows his computer screen, Patton checks the work and nods. “You got it” He assures, Remus fist pumps, shutting it happily.  “Wheres Dee?” Patton wonders, going over his schedule for the day. 

“He had an early test so I dropped him off, but we’re having dinner later for valentines” He smiles, Patton smirks. “Happy one year by the way” Remus celebrates

“You too” They cheer their drinks, falling casually into their conversation. The pair joke and laugh through excitement for the day, cheer and the musical. Everything felt right...for now. I mean it was senior year who knows what might happen.

At Least this, was solid and consistent.

Them

Their friendship

#intruality bffs au #intruality #logicality #prinxiety #demus #logan sanders #patton Sanders #deceit sanders #remus sanders #virgil sanders #roman sanders #sanders sides #ao3 #archive of our own #writing #write #youtube #thomas sanders

[of-suns-and-guns]

i dont want to be offensive bt i see people calling kara autistic alot and idk some times it really bothers me. shes just a really important character to me and im just wondering if you realy think shes like that or you just support the people who hc it. im sorry i dont want to offend you.

To be entirely honest, my knee-jerk response to this was a rather fervent rage. But in that same breath, I also understand that sometimes indelicate questions are the only way to address issues like this, so I’m going to be as understanding as I possibly can. (Fair warning, though; some of this will just be blunt.)

So much of the language used to describe neuro-divergent idiosyncrasies is based in this idea that typical is the only correct/healthy way for a person to function.

Treatment for these neuro-divergences often manifest as an effort to train people to basically mimic typical behavior, regardless of the negative impacts this can have on that person’s mental, emotional, and sometimes physical well-being.

The social and psychiatric attitude toward both queerness and autism historically share a lot of the same language and approach to “treatment,” in that they both focus on the ways that person’s life is supposedly “less fulfilling” and/or “piteously deficient” by the atypical ways they experience and interact with the world and other people.

Both treatments also focus on training the individual to mimic typical behavior, and because they do so without care to the negative impacts this has on the individual, it’s largely implemented to make other people more comfortable with this person’s existence.

I say all this because I can reasonably assume you understand that the attitude against queer people is dehumanizing and ignorant because it reduces the quality of someone’s life down to just one aspect of their person-hood and pities that person for it, without caring to understand that that aspect is an important and positive piece of what makes them who they are.

This is not to say that autism doesn’t come with it’s own unique challenges on a person’s life and interactions, because it does. At the end of the day, autism is a processing disorder much like ADHD and it adds an extra facet to a person’s life that will absolutely mark a difference in how they view, interact with, and respond to their environment, but these differences are pieces of their personality that serve to make them full, complete, genuine versions of themselves and should not be viewed in opposition to themselves as people.

Kara Zor-El is a good, kind, sweet, strong, empathetic, nerdy, excitable, awkward, dorky alien.

She misses human social cues and sometimes puts people off because she doesn’t react the way those people think she should react and we understand those people are wrong for treating her poorly because of it.

We love her and all that she is, and we hate when people treat her badly because they don’t care to understand why those things they hate about her are actually wonderful. Why she’s wonderful because of those things. They don’t care to understand her, and would much rather she act like them and fit their narrow definition of socially acceptable. Would much rather she break off those wonderful pieces of herself to make themselves feel more comfortable around her.

We love her and accept her, and we understand that sometimes interacting with the world is hard for her because these same wonderful parts of her don’t fit neatly with the world she lives in and we wish it was easier for her, but we don’t want her to change anything about herself. We don’t care what those other people think because we know she’s perfect, exactly the way she is.

When people point out the ways Kara is coded autistic, it’s because they see themselves in her, because Kara Zor-El’s entire characterization is an example of how autistic people look, feel, function, and interact with the world around them.

Those are real traits that autistic people really exhibit because they’re autistic.

Kara is wonderful because of the autistic traits coded into her; not despite them.

Her autism is not some secret “otherness” you haven’t seen in her. There’s not some extra side-characterization you need to account for or build into her to see a complete autistic character in her; she’s all there. Right on your screen. Everything you see is a definitive way autism can look in someone’s personality.

If you love Kara Zor-El, but think you can only love her if she’s not autistic, or if you only think autism is a negative aspect of someone’s personality, it’s only because you’ve been fed a misunderstanding of what autism is and looks like.

I’m not here to police headcanons, or to tell you there’s only one correct way to read a character and that not integrating an ASD diagnosis into your reading of her character makes you a terrible person.

I’m just here to tell you you already love the aspects of her that autistic people relate to because I want you to understand that autism is as much a positive aspect of someone’s personality as their queerness.

#supergirl #kara danvers #kara zor-el #autism #autistic!kara danvers #anon

[wings-of-indigo]

A Note on Relationships (that shouldn't be controversial but probably will be)

At work the other day, I got asked by one of my coworkers if I was single. On this particular occasion, that coworker was male. However, before everyone thinks this is another post about misogyny and the assumptions men make about women's availability in the workplace, let me note that I have been asked this question before by several female coworkers of various ages, but all near or over thirty.

And Everytime, when I reply that I am currently single and generally happy to be so(and go on to explain my reasons for this rare state of single happiness) I've gotten a combination of Looks.

There's the 'ooookaaaay' Look, the 'you're weird' Look, the 'You're wasting your youth' Look, and the 'You'll regret that later' Look. (Just to name a few). I've gotten used to it.

In the interests of full and unbragging disclosure, I know that I can be considered 'attractive' for a female (And wow that was hard to say outside my head. But the difficulties female assertiveness about appearance will be saved for another date). Dancing all the time keeps my relatively skinny by non dance world standards (I'm 5'3.5", usually within 5lbs of 130 lbs and I generally wear an upscale size 4), and while I'm definitely not the archetypal model thin ballerina, the fact that I fit a small size 4 (occasionally cursing and swearing) states my point quite neatly. I fit into conventional standards of female beauty.

Here's the thing though, about those Looks I mentioned earlier. I didn't date in high school, and I generally don't date now. Sure, if I get lonely or drunk enough I'll window shop OkCupid at one in the morning, but rarely do I have the inclination to follow through once recovered. And for a lot of people my age, that seems to be weird. In our society Single people arent supposed to be happy about it. Especially women.

And that's just stupid.

Most people agree that a single-by-choice man, even a confirmed I-dont-ever-want-romance man, batts no eyes in any context. A woman of the same, however, is immediately assumed to have something wrong with her. Either she is traumatized from some past experience, or she is simply defective and frigid. Even a woman who has previously proved her 'correctness' with marriage, even children, is not immune. If that woman does not want to enter another romantic relationship (and I'm including the full spectrum of queer identities as possible partners whenever I say marriage, partner, or romantic) after a time, then she is Wrong and Broken. Even if she has been abused by her partner and doesn't feel comfortable or capable of exposing herself like that again. Even if she has lost her long term 'soul mate' and does not want anything or anyone else after their loss. One of our media's favorite romantic tropes is The Woman who Learns to Overcome her Tragic Past and find Happiness in the (99% male) Protagonist's Romantic and Sexual Intrest. Little girls are brought up to dream and plan their future wedding from the time they know what a wedding IS (which, spoiler alert: is pretty damn young. I first remember playing 'wedding' when I was about five and got a box of dress up costumes for Christmas).

So, it makes sense that a woman or girl, especially young not engaging or desiring to engage in Romantic Ventures hits some socially ingrained trigger points. It's still stupid.

Here's some reasons why (for me, y'all night have your own valid reasons). While not at intensive like I am now, I am holding down a full time job while doing anywhere from 15-20 hours of dance classes in studio, not counting any supplemental physical training and gym time I put in outside of class, while finishing an unrelated Bachelors Degree online, trying to shop for and cook dance supporting meals on a strict budget, do laundry, get a healthy amount of sleep, go to acting and singing coaching, and find funding for an upcoming dance program should pass auditions. I really, really don't have the time or emotional availability for a relationship.

And that is key here. People seem to underestimate the importance of emotional labor on both sides in a healthy relationship- you can't just show up to date night or activities together and make small talk. There's a reason people talk about 'emotional avaliabilty', and in most traditional 1950s style relationships it's the woman's job to avaliable for whichever man she's involved with. Unfortunately, the vast majority of men still seem to carry an unconscious bias towards this kind of relationship.

And, I'm sorry (not), but Im really not interested in That. I'm reminded of a tumblr post about cat ladies, and why men seem to think that's an insult to woman rather than themselves- that they're so unappealing they can't get a man. Leaving aside the sexist assumption a womans ambition ahould be to 'get a man'- Dude, if I wanted a man, I could get one. Any girl off the street could get one easier than ordering takeout when she's too tired to cook.

The problem lies not in the getting, but with the shopping. While I identify as bisexual and happily enjoy fun times of the erotic bent, one of my personal quirks is that I Can't Do One Nights. This is not misplaced slut shaming- I am fully aware and bear no disapproval towards pursuing casual sexual attraction. Your body, your choice. I just know myself, and that any sexual interaction with a stranger would be exceedingly unpleasant for me in an emotional sense.

I tend to be extroverted, and I love people. But I also grew up in an alcoholic household with a very dysfunctional and fraught marriage. My mother never beat us, but she's still controlling and can still make me feel like shit, and my dad still tends to be an emotional leech with terrifyingly destructive rages. (Yes, those are mental health issues, and I still love them-distantly- but it's not my job as their child to fix them or get them help.)

As a result, It takes me a while to trust someone, especially emotionally. And, as a female, sex is a huge act of trust and emotional investment.

I would love to create the loving marriages and relationships I see my friends having. It's one of my future fantasies- creating a home with a life partner, sharing dinner and cuddles and movies and giving each other good sex.

But here's the thing. I can give myself satisfying sex. And I, quite frankly, have other dreams too, ones that are going to demand a superhuman level of work. Getting back to the 'shopping' anology- the sad fact is that it is going to be very difficult to find a man who doesn't expect his partner to place him and his dreams above her own, and just as difficult to train one out of that mindset. (And girlfriends for girls are about as common as rainbow unicorns).

Having grown up as I did, I might have ridiculously high standards for romance. But I made a vow to never be my parents, and frankly I see no point in taking time away from what I want more than anything in order to appease an archaic societal preference.

Love does not mean the surrendering of self, and I am not going to devote myself anything less than something extraordinary.

So that's why I'm single, and I'm fine with that. Suck it.

#why we need feminism #feninism #relationship #dreams #romantic relationships #misogony #misogny #societal norms #societal standards

[the-trth-untold]

now its ur turn. do all of the sweetheart asks.

god jsjsjhdjk im just letting u kno these answers r gonna be BORING but hhhh THANK U 

1. Talk about your first love.

i’ve never been in love, never been in a relationship before. BUT i can vaguely remember my first crush back in 2nd grade. all i can remember was that his name was kyle and he was the only boy who ever spoke to me and my brain just went !!! 

2. What’s the most beautiful song you’ve ever heard in your opinion?

Break My Heart Again - FINNEAS or What Was Our Love All About - Adrian Milanio and Marylou Villegas 

these are just two that i can think of there are A LOT of beautiful songs

3. How’s your heart feeling right now?

fine??

4. What kind of self care is your favorite to do?

i dont really do any self care things?? 

5. What’s your skincare routine?

i dont do any skincare routines either... ik im a monster

6. How did you get to be so beautiful?

u must be blind if u think that 

7. Do you have any stuffed animals?

i used to have over 50 stuffed animals, i would always place them all over my bed neatly but i got rid of them now :( 

8. Best trip you’ve ever been on?

Myrtle Beach, SC because it was my first vacation spot and i was so happy seeing two dolphins close to the shore

9. Favorite thing about your room?

the color of my walls and blankets lol mint green and peach colors

i dont have anything cool in my room

10. Opinion on love?

i mean, it’d be nice to experience it some day and i hope i do but right now im content being by myself

11. Are you affectionate?

if i know you very well i can be, if not im very awkward and will barely make any eye contact with you

12. Who do you look up to?

i look up to people who have struggled a lot in their life, people who can be optimistic in any situation

13. Favorite poet?

i dont read much poetry, but i loved reading some things Emily Dickinson has published

14. Song that makes you happy? How about one that calms you down when you’re in a bad place?

honestly any disney song makes me happy! im a huge disney nerd and listening to any of those songs makes me feel nostalgic.

when im in a bad place, any slow, ballad sounding song can calm me down

15. Do you play an instrument?

i played the flute in middle school but dropped it after less than a week LOL

16. Do you do art? Using what (pencil, watercolor, etc)?

i like doing digital art but im not good at it and i dont have adobe illustrator anymore so i haven’t done anything recently

17. Do you dance? What style of dance?

i cannot dance and no one will make me

IM TOO EMBARRASSED EVEN IF IM ALONE HAHAHA

18. What’s your zodiac sign? Do you believe in astrology?

im a libra

i somewhat believe in astrology, i know there’s more to it than just your sun sign and there are different placements that make you different from the stereotypical traits people use for each sign

a lot of the “things about each sign” can be used for anyone because the responses can be very vague and many people can relate to 

19. Favorite old film?

too many

the shining, the breakfast club, carrie, pretty in pink, etcetcetc

20. What’s your hairstyle?

idk its a mess

curly/wavy and i have hardcut bangs 

21. What weather is the most beautiful, in your opinion?

fall weather, where its like 50 F (or 10 C for all u weirdos out there), cold enough to put on a flannel and boots

22. What upsets you most about the world?

i only have two hands but there are so many cats and dogs. i cannot pet all of them. (IM SORRY THIS WAS UR ANSWER DASHA BUT IM KEEPING IT ITS SO CUTE AND FUNNY AND I RELATE)

23. Are you in love right now?

no

24. Do you have a crush? If so, talk about them!

i dont have a crush lol

25. Do you have pets? Talk about something sweet about them!

yes!!! i have two gorgeous puppies!!! if u wanna check them out u can follow my instagram i post them all the time @ the.moon.atomic

they’re such dorks but they fit my household idk how to describe it they just belong in my house hahha

26. Do you have a lucky number?

i dont really believe in lucky numbers 

27. Have you ever wished on a star? What about on a fallen eyelash?

no, and i never heard about wishing on a fallen eyelash haha

28. Do you believe emoji spells to work?

no???????? i dont even know what that is

29. Do you believe in magic in general?

no

30. What’s the most beautiful thing in life, In your opinion?

when people finally stop hiding their true selves, show their real smiles, and laugh so hard they snort 

idk i just love people, well, most anyway sjsjhzjdsk

31. Opinion on the color pink? What about baby blue?

love them 

theyre such pure colors and they just remind me of newborn babies hahaha

32. What instrumental sound is your favorite?

piano definitely

33. Do you like the sound of wind? What about the sound of rain?

yes! yes to both! i love rain more though, sorry wind

34. Who makes you happy?

my friends, family, and my mutuals 

35. What makes you happy?

listening to music

36. Imagine your ideal life, the life you wish to make, what will that look like?

ohh well i’d be living on germany for starters hahaha

id like to have my own house, maybe living with a best friend

definitely like 5784538902 cats and dogs, i love them 

at some point id like to have a relationship LOL

37. Do you wear makeup? If so what’s your favorite type of makeup or specific makeup product? Favorite store to buy makeup? 

only on rare days ill put on makeup, i only use eyeshadow, liner, and mascara and ive never gone to a store thats just for make up, i just go to a pharmacy lol

38. Do you wear dresses? If so what’s your favorite dress you own?

only if i absolutely have to, the dress i wore for my senior pictures is my favorite

39. Ever been heartbroken? How do you deal with it?

noo, ive never been in a relationship 

40. Who’s your closest friend? What do you love about them?

i kinda really dont have one, not irl anyway

@neo-bangtan @mini-pretzel are my closest friends online, i love everything about u guys

41. Introvert or extrovert?

introvert

42. Do you like MBTI? What’s your MBTI?

im isfj

43. Would you be a fairy, a mermaid, a vampire, a siren, or an angel?

uh idk?? i wouldnt want to be immortal so 

44. What’s the best song a friend has ever introduced to you?

acid jazz singer - the fratellis 

45. Parlez-vous français?

no my french sucks

46. Most beautiful place you’ve been to?

honestly i cant think of any place pennsylvania sucks ahhaha

47. Where/when do you truly feel at home?

home...... my bed...... LOL

48. Does smiling put you in a better mood? Try it right now, you’re smile is gorgeous!

only if im not looking at myself lol

49. Favorite shoe you own?

slip ons or my new balance 

50. Can you walk in stilettos? Do you like them?

N O i am so accident prone i can barely walk barefoot without tripping 

51. Do you feel loved?

kinda? sometimes?

52. How do you express love to those you care about?

just giving them a hug lol or saying i love you

53. Favorite term(s) of endearment?

no ones ever called me any but i like baby, im a simple girl 

54. Most romantic thing someone’s ever done for you?

nothing?

55. When is the happiest you’ve ever been?

meeting new people who share the same interests 

56. Are you happy right now?

im pretty neutral atm

57. What makes you smile?

really awful jokes that ARENT EVEN FUNNY AND TALKING DASHA AND KARINA 

58. Do you laugh a lot?

i guess??

59. What’s your favorite kind of aesthetic?

soft vibes i guess haha

60. Do you want to marry for love or for some other reason (like money)?

i dont see myself marrying but if i would it would definitely be for love

61. What would your dream wedding look like? Do you want to get married?

i dont really want to get married, most of the time it ends in divorce and theres just a lot of paper work and its a hassle i dont see a point in it 

62. Favorite flower?

hydrangeas 

63. Favorite artist?

edgar degas

64. Favorite music artist?

bts lol

65. How kind do you think you are? Is kindness important to you?

i try to be kind to everyone, i dont know if others perceive me that way but i think kindness is very important to me

66. Ever made a playlist for someone?

once and i loved it, pls ask me to make a playlist for u

67. Do you have anything you do to physically comfort you when your sad? Such as a favorite blanket? Or a relaxing bath?

music and a soft blanket 

68. Early bird or night owl?

early bird

69. Morning routine?

wake up, look in the mirror, look away from the mirror, go back to bed. (AGAIN THIS IS UR ANSWER DASHA BUT IM KEEPING IT HHAHAHAHA)

70. Night routine?

shower and watch netflix until i fall asleep

71. What is the most lovely quality a person could have in your opinion?

being humble

72. Do you cry often? Does crying help you get the emotions out? Do you feel better after?

yes yes and yes

im such a cry baby i will cry at everything if u yell at me or if disappoint u im so sensitive 

73. Do you like hugs?

yes but i dont receive many hugs

74. When was the last time you kissed someone?

never

75. Are you small or tall?

small, 5′4 or 164cm

76. Do you like wholesome memes?

who doesnt

77. Favorite thing about the past?

anything that makes me feel nostalgic 

78. Do you ever wonder about the future?

yes

79. Have you ever lived in a different country than you currently live in?

nooo

80. Do you like plane flights? Airports?

ive never been on a plane

81. Sunrises or sunsets?

sunsets

82. The beach or a forest?

beach

83. What time of day do you tend to be in the best mood?

when im sleeping lol

84. Do you push yourself to act together and in a good mood even when you aren’t?

i try to 

85. Favorite kind of tree?

what kind of question is this i dont know anything about trees

86. Do you care about the health of the Earth?

i want to but i dont do anything for it

87. What did you like most about your childhood, if anything?

fieldtrips in school

88. Do you read a lot? What’s your favorite book?

i try to read more, my favorite book is more happy than not 

89. What are you most nostalgic for at the moment?

disney, i just put my christmas tree down and the ornaments are disney characters

90. What’s your favorite personality trait you have?

honesty i guess?

91. List at least ONE thing you love about your appearance.

my eyes

92. When was the last time you truly felt calm, without much of anything to worry about?

after i bathe 

93. Do you worry a lot?

yes all the time

94. The dazzling lights of the city or the relaxing countryside?

dazzling lights of the city

95. Ever changed the shoelaces on one of your shoes? For what reason?

no 

96. Favorite pastry?

??????????? i dont know??????????

97. Do you like doing little acts of kindness?

YEAH

98. How’s your day/night going?

fine so far, i dont have to work today so im just chillaxing 

[mrchristianaxavier]

Reflections on Anti-Blackness as a Black Trans Artist & Entrepreneur

Last year, I decided to define liberation for myself, as a Black Trans individual living in a white supremacist society. I was tired of being in survival mode and being poor. I was tired of being exploited and tokenized by non-profits that employed me. I was tired of working at non-affirming organizations and companies. I was tired of dealing with anti-Black supervisors and managers. I was tired of being close to death. As a Solutionary, I committed myself to diving deeply into my artistry and entrepreneurship, for these were in fact ways in which a Black Trans individual like myself, could gain financial security and freedom…creating more opportunity for myself, my loved ones, as well as my community.

FrootFly LLC was founded by myself and my partner, who is also a Black Trans woman, to create a Fresh Fruit Distribution Resource for BlPOC, Individuals with Health Immune Deficiencies, Youth & Elders and Everyone open to embracing and honoring the natural goodness the Earth provides. We chose to sell high-quality tropical fruit, not normally found in the convenient and grocery stores that are accessible to marginalized individuals, such as Soursop, Jackfruit, Mamey, Sapodilla, Cacao, Nam Wah Bananas, Yellow & Red Dragon Fruit, Passion Fruit and more. Growing up and living in the hood, my partner and I understood the frustration of not having access to healthy quality fruits and vegetables and wanted to increase access to those who need it most, especially during COVID-19. In addition, we wanted to help build our ancestral and cultural connections through the variety of items we offer.  With our Fruit Share Program, FrootFly also aims to provide marginalized individuals with Organic Tropical Fruit boxes, monthly.

In addition to creating a small business with my partner, I also released a children’s book, entitled, My Name is Troy. My Name is Troy is a book specifically for young Black Trans boys, about a Black Trans boy named Troy, who is loved, protected, and affirmed by his family. The children’s book was an envisioning of the love I never received from my family, while growing up and a gift to young Black Trans boys who may grow up thinking they are alone or who are told that they are wrong about who they know themselves to be.

With efforts rooted in health, wellness, equity, and overall liberation, many would assume community to be supportive. But unfortunately, within this beautiful journey of reclaiming our time in a world where many are rooting for the demise an overall genocide of Black Trans people, I (as well as my partner) have experienced much anti-Blackness from many who claim to stand in solidarity with Black Trans Lives and Black owned businesses.  

Here are just a few DONT’s when supporting Black Trans Artists and Entrepreneurs:

Being Blocked from posting in Facebook Groups

When my partner and I launched FrootFly, the first places we went to promote our new business were social media platforms, such as Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook. Social media allows artists and entrepreneurs to meet and engage with potential customers where they are at.

Paid Facebook advertisements are good for creatives and businesses because they allow you to target a specific audience. Facebook claims that they are 89% accurate when it comes to targeted campaigns. However, as Black Trans individuals in survival mode, securing funds to consistently pay for Facebook ads proved to be difficult. Therefore, much of our Fb promotion occurred via our personal pages, our business page and by posting in various community-based groups. 

After a few weeks of posting, I noticed that many of my posts in certain Trans and LGBTQIA+ groups were being reported and marked as spam, not by Facebook but by so-called community members and group admins, themselves. The same people known to hashtag #BlackTransLivesMatter and show up to community rallies, vigils, and marches with a quickness, were also quick to further oppress and marginalize the very people they claim to stand in solidarity with, on social media. Stopping me from posting in groups, stopped potential income from getting to 2 Black Trans individuals striving to live full lives, and not solely survive. 

It was especially disheartening for me personally to experience because as a Trans advocate and freedom fighter who has positioned himself on the frontlines many many times, I knew if I were an admin of a LGBTQIA+, Trans or Queer Facebook group, I personally would let Black Trans artists and entrepreneurs post their items for sale freely (regardless of the purpose of the group) because I’m conscious and aware of the experiences of Black Trans individuals and understand the necessity and importance of closing economic gaps and increasing equity for those most marginalized.

 White Cis-centric Expectations for Operations

Good customer service means meeting customers' expectations. And meeting customers' expectations pays off for all businesses. Customer support is more than just providing answers; it’s an important part of the promise a brand makes to its customers. 

Most large companies and corporations have customer service departments to handle inquiries and complaints. They have shipping departments that track packages, manufacturers to produce items at rapid rates and in bulk quantities, and huge warehouses to hold these items. However, when you’re a small business, oftentimes it’s the owners who have to make sacrifices unknown and wear multiple hats, especially when first launching a brand. But things can become even more difficult and stressful when you’re a small business owner who is also a part of several marginalized communities.

When shipping items from FrootFly, as well as copies of My Name is Troy, many customers, and so-called supporters, after only a few days, sent emails asking where their items were. Initially, in the name of good customer service, we would respond with our processing time, tracking info and shipping process, but after a while I soon noticed that many of these inquiries were accusatory and filled with anxiety rooted in Anti-Blackness.

It is a fact that Black businesses struggle in ways that white owned businesses do not. One of the reasons that Black businesses struggle to succeed is due to a general distrust of Black people. In general, society views Black people as “unprofessional”. From the way we wear our hair to our diction and ability to code switch, Black people in business realms are constantly policed and expected to fit tightly and neatly in line with corporate norms established by white elites.

Most people who reached out to us did so because they did not trust us as Black people, who owned a business. They did not trust me, as a Black person, who was an author of a children’s book. They assumed that they were getting swindled for their money, scammed, and robbed…because in their eyes, that is what Black people do. It was evident in their typed microaggressions, the way things were phrased and phony excuses. Studies have shown that people of all ethnicities and backgrounds have stated that they rather do business with a white owned company than a Black owned company. If it is hard for Black cisgender-owned businesses…imagine the experiences of a Black Trans owned business.

Understanding the experiences of Black Trans individuals and supporting Black Trans businesses go hand-in-hand. Instead of getting angry and impatient with Black Trans business owners, when products are seemingly delayed, email response time is not immediate, or when operations seemingly do not imitate that of a large corporation…in my opinion, a person who truly stands in solidarity would consider what that person is also experiencing daily. Has that Black Trans individual eaten today? Has that Black Trans individual experienced violence today? Do they have consistent access to Wi-Fi?

Most Black Trans owned business will look a bit different than cisgender owned businesses in terms of operations, due to an extreme difference in access and lack of equity. For many Black Trans individuals, each day is literally a fight to survive…and as entrepreneurs, this is what my partner and I are committed to overcome.

 Reported PayPal Disputes 

When I wrote My Name is Troy, I did so out of love for self and Black Trans youth, specifically Black Trans boys. I did not write the book to make a profit, but to leave something behind in the name of legacy that was beautifully made for Black Trans youth for generations to come. I priced the book at a rate that I felt was accessible specifically for Black families of all incomes, but also leaving me with little profit. For me, the book was bigger than profit. Ultimately it was a gift for young Black Trans boys…a reminder that they matter, while living in a world that seemingly forgets that they even exist.

Upon releasing the book, many people who purchased the book were white and/or cisgender members of the LGBTQIA+ community. Hundreds of orders poured in unexpectedly within the first 2 weeks of accepting pre-orders. The book had done better than I expected in terms of units sold but wasn’t reaching the demographic I had hoped...young Black Trans boys.

I knew that shipping so many books would take me some time. For one, each set of books I ordered from the printer took 2 or more weeks to get to me, due to COVID-19 related shipping delays. There were further delays once I shipped the books to those who purchased them. The profit left over from each book sold only covered shipping fees but did not cover my travel to and from the post office nor the shipping materials used to mail the books. But I committed myself to getting a book to each person who placed an order, no matter how long it would take me. And why wouldn’t I?

After two weeks of releasing my book, more emails began pouring in about the whereabouts of their items. Apparently, I was not moving fast enough. But what people were not being truthful about was that to them I was not moving at a pace that they were used to…a pace that is easily kept by the white owned companies and corporations they usually support.

When I responded to some of the email inquiries, some people encouraged me to be transparent with my customers to make it easier on both myself and patrons. But explaining to hundreds of so-called community members that Black Trans individuals have it harder than most and that their bias is causing their anxiety became exhausting. Many people became combative, but a few actually did admit to their anti-Blackness, claiming they would do better. I knew the anti-Blackness I experienced was real, despite most people’s denial, projection, and dismissiveness.

Several customers even went to the extent of reporting my PayPal account, claiming they never received an item…a claim rooted in Anti-Blackness, impatience, and the expectation for Black Trans entrepreneurs to deliver things at the same rate as white owned corporations. Most of the disputes ruled in my favor, as I explained to PayPal that there were shipping delays. But some did not, causing my account to go into the negative several times, with security measures added that made receiving and transferring funds extremely difficult. With each negative transaction, PayPal also threatened to send a report of owed funds from refunds sent to collections, negatively affecting my credit. This frustrated me for many reasons, but mostly because I stressed myself out trying to get out as many books as I could as often as I could, despite my lack of income and resources.

Is this how community stands in solidarity with Black Trans entrepreneurs? The distrust and bias from so-called allies and accomplices in my opinion, is ultimately violence. Where were the emails from community members asking me if there was anything anyone could do to help me ship things faster? This is what happens when so-called community is not intentionally mindful of the experiences of those most marginalized and when support is performative rather than an investment in Black Trans communities.

When you’re buying something from a Black Trans artist or entrepreneur, you’re not just purchasing a product. You’re helping a Black Trans person eat that day. You’re helping to provide a Black Trans person with another day of shelter. You’re helping a Black Trans person purchase their meds and pay bills. You’re literally helping a Black Trans person to live.

Do better.

#blacklivesmatter #blacktranslivesmatter #antiblackness #equity buyblackandtrans

[chillihansol]

Unspoken Feelings ; W O O Z I

[ bestfriend!jihoon x reader ]

word count: 1429 genre: fluff a/n: alright, im leaving y’all with a long one bc i’ll be leaving tomorrow so im not sure when to post one of the reqs. and my exams are slowly approaching yikes  hehe im sorry in advance, especially for those who sent their reqs! but i promise to work on them so dont yall worry. i worked hard on this one so i hope y’all like it! oh and thank you anon for requesting!! shamelessly tagging @lunarjihoon haha let me hide under the rock after u read this ily

3: “I was wondering if you like me.” 10: “You’re my first, and hopefully my last.” 16: “I’ve never kissed anyone before.”

The cold air coming from the air conditioner touched my delicate skin, making me rest my nape on the edge of the soft chair. The very sweet and calming hum of the guy sitting across, added my sensation of being alive. His song was everything, even with the absence of its words. My eyelids started to feel heavy from the mix of different notes coming from his mouth. Then something came up to my mind. 

Recalling the day Jihoon and I first met, I didn’t really like him at all. 

It was our Senior Year in high school when I’d been elected as the president of English club. My position was of course very overwhelming, but the other members of the club had told me that I deserved it. So I believed them even when I doubted my abilities. Our club obviously didn’t happen to be the only club at school, there we have the Drama Club, Sports Club, Science Club, Math Club, and a lot more. But let’s not forget the club where Lee Jihoon belonged, the Music Club. Lee Jihoon, also known as the president of the said club, was assigned to participate for the upcoming Valentine’s Day. His members were very much worried by their assignment, for they knew that their dear president never had an experience with all the chocolates and flowers. Jihoon’s talent with producing music was very known and beyond the mind of every composer, but the task given to him was toughest stuff for him. Sure he’s fine with all the accompaniment, sounds, melodies, rhythms, everything but the lyrics. So, what did our dearest Music Club president do? He stole one of our poems, specifically my poem. 

I only found out what happened a week after he sneaked inside the Drama Club’s room. Everything was done. He already made a song using my poem. I didn’t let it slide so I barged inside their room to confront him. I was filled with anger that I could totally punch him in the face, but I didn’t. I didn’t, because he told me how much he loved my words. He told me that he felt the everything flowing on my speech. He told me that my works were nothing but a tangible masterpiece.

So that incident was unexpectedly what brought us together. And I’ve been liking him ever since that.

“Your poems are slowly turning into something else.” I was snapped out of my thoughts when I heard him speak from the side.

I turned my head to look at him. He was holding a bunch of papers, staring at them as if it was a newly existed material.

‘What do you notice?” I asked, cocking my head to the side.

“It’s starting to get lame.“ He said, pursing his lips to prevent from laughing.

I playfully kicked his knees which were only a meter away from me.

“No, seriously. You can do better than this.” He removed his gaze from the paper then nodded at me.

“What’s changing?” My eyebrows knitted as I asked him.

He softly tossed the papers on my lap before intertwining his fingers together. “Your words. They’re very different.” He almost whispered. “I know you’ve written love poems before, but these are very new to me. They’re starting to get alive, as if you’re really writing them from your heart.”

I gulped, resting my right foot on top of his thigh. “I didn���t know that it’s very noticeable.” My lips pouted a little.

“Actually, I’ve been noticing your works for three months now. I didn’t tell you at first because I thought you were only trying something new. But as the months passed by, they were getting deeper.” He said. I looked down at the papers on my lap. “Are you dating someone?”

“WHAT? No, what are you talking about?” I exclaimed louder than expected. My hands flew over my mouth when Jihoon glared at me.

“You seem like you’re dating someone. Do you even read your works?”

“You know that I don’t put my emotions in my works.” It’s the truth. I write my poems from the things around me, never from what I feel. But when I told myself that I’m in love with the man sitting across me, I changed the tradition.

He looked at me sternly, observing the way I behaved. I caught a glimpse of his clenched jaw as I removed my foot from his thigh to put it back on the floor. “This one sucks.” He muttered, reaching for a paper that was resting on top of the keyboard and waved it in front of my face. “His lips?” He read the title. He reached for another paper from the stack of my poems, piled neatly at the corner. “His eyes? Goodness, I wonder what that guy looks like.” He sighed, shaking his head.

“He’s cute, very manly in my opinion.” I replied in retort, spinning my chair to avoid his gaze.

“Two seconds ago you said that you weren’t dating.”

“I’m not!" 

“Then who’s this guy?” 

His very unfamiliar tone made me turn my head to him. I flashed him a look of annoyance, and he raised an eyebrow at me. “That folder I gave you last week,” I said, pointing at the piece of cardboard resting beside his action figures. “It’s the compilation of my ‘lame’ works. If you read all of them and you’re smart enough, you’ll find out who.”

“I’ve read it.” He quickly replied. His simple response made me hitch a breath. “That’s why I was wondering if you like me.” 

I tried shaking off my nervousness and replied casually. “It’s too obvious that those are my confessions.” I turned my chair to face the other side of the room. 

The atmosphere filled with deafening silence, even our breaths were inaudible for we were both holding them in ourselves. My chair spun in one swift pull of Jihoon, making me face him. 

His eyes, full of the things that I love about him, locked with my empty ones as he leaned closer to my face. I took a glance on his lips, the part of his face that I wrote about. Then back to his eyes, my favorite of all. I wonder what the world looks like through his eyes.

“You could’ve told me sooner.” His was voice low, sending shivers down my spine. 

“You know I can’t. I’m not good with saying those things verbally.” I replied very timidly, which made him break into the smile that fulfills my day. 

“That’s why I stole your poem on that day.” He said. “Because you could tell everything through your written words. And I think that’s the most attractive thing someone can do.” 

I grabbed confidence from nowhere. “So you’re implying that you find me attractive?” I grinned at him.

“No.” He said. “You’re beyond attractive. You have no idea how many times I tried writing a song about you, and your face, and your words, and your lips, and everything about you. Just, you.”

“Why didn’t you finish one?” I asked softly.

“Because I’d like to write about your lips. You have no idea how much they're distracting me, even right now. I wanted to say how it feels like to have your lips against mine, but I couldn’t, because I’ve never kissed anyone before.” His expression changed into sadness and frustration, which broke my heart.

“Then do it.” I commanded him.

“What?” He flustered.

“Kiss me.” I said simply. “Then I could help you write the song.”

In a split second, his soft lips crashed onto mine. Everything that I wrote about his lips was not a lie. Everything, how it feels, its perfect shape, its fitness to my own lips, its taste, his taste, they’re all fulfilling my assumptions. 

Both of our shared kiss lingered right before we pulled away. I looked at him to see the same expression that I expected him to have, and it made my heart plunge into the sea of love. 

“Should we start the song?” I bit my lower lip, slightly savoring his taste.

“You’re not going to help me. Let my write my own experience.”

“That’s my first kiss.” I shrugged.

“You’re my first, and hopefully my last.” He stated seriously before turning away to grab a piece of paper and a pen.

#seventeen #seventeen scenarios #seventeen drabbles #seventeen texts #lee jihoon #jihoon #svt jihoon #woozi #svt woozi #woozi fluff #lee jihoon fluff #s.coups #jeonghan #joshua #jun #hoshi #wonwoo #dokyeom #mingyu #the8 #seungkwan #vernon #dino #thank you anon !!

[jackaccletonfutureworks]

DD2000 - Research blog for a path into industry

Portfolios and their importance

Now before we even get to the building up to our chosen job and how we get there we have to talk about arguably the first and most important step when going into any industry, a good portfolio.

A portfolio in definition is according to many sources such as google, the oxford dictionaries and the free dictionary

a set of pieces of creative work intended to demonstrate a person's ability to a potential employer. 

Example: "she had a portfolio of crayon portraits"

now reading the definition you should get an idea as to why a portfolio is quite the important tool in any industry but allow me to elaborate, a portfolio usually contains all of your best and well presented work that you wish to show off to a future employer in the hopes that it will impress them enough to consider you for the role available and hire you into it.

Even if that doesnt happen they are important tools for ensuring people dont soon forget you, if its good enough your employer might talk to his co-workers about it and the work that was in it, might recommend you to other companies and give you an easy-ish way into the industry, not only that but if its up online somewhere it can allow none industry people to view it and get invested in the work you do, get invested in your ideas and anything to do with them and begin to support you and want more of your work which is hard to ignore from people in the industry.

But an important part of a portfolio is to make sure it fits the job role, its nice that its all neatly presented and stunning work but if your going for a modelling job and bring in cool doodles of swords instead they will more than likely enjoy them but dont cross your fingers for the job or even being well remembered in a good way.

Now lets take that Modeling job as an example, if your looking into that job there are some things that would work well in your Porfolio

What to include generally

Some well constructed and unique models to show your skill, talent and creativity. Make sure to have beauty shots (Three angles) a Uv render (Shows off the uv maps of the models showing you do know how to Map and texture) and a wireframe

some more bland models that everyone has but it shows you can model things of this type, guns, corridors things like that

all of the work should be finished and if not it should be a w.i.p showing of how the model developed or something you are working on recently and wish to say “this is my latest project”

Portfolio : About myself

Every portfolio for every job must be different and suited for the job role your looking to invest into. Now my portfolio will have me looking into narrative design so there are some things i do need to include when constructing mine and things i need to look out for

What i should include

Well written stories of varying length and style as well as on different matters and subjects to give a quick look at the range i can write at and my ability with different styles and topics

Character development if possible, Original character, fan characters and things like that, let people in the industry see the work and love put into them and how you created them from the ground up, even include the most trivial detail if needed it will show how i think about even the smallest things for characters and bring them to life

Same applies for world building, show worlds you crated and the living breathing atmosphere they have, show off head canons and theories about already made worlds if you wish

Show dialogue and scripts made, this includes roleplaying and back and forth between characters of your own and friends

Work done that is not narrative directly but does still link to it  

Any writing done for games, this includes small projects and twine games

Now what have i done to go towards this portfolio as of writing this?

I have written many short stories and poems some better than others i cannot lie however i tend to struggle sometimes with motivation in writing longer tales if they are not split into parts either via working time or as part 1, part 2 etc, 3 twine games which could be improved but stand at a decent enough quality and i do intend to create more, have an entire blog built for role playing (character creation and building, dialogue, world building) this is where i let alot of my ideas roam free as well as some of my more out there character traits, this character has spawned off into his own story and world view from a character that had nothing to start with, he has spawned countless side characters and alternate realities surrounding him and all of them have their own stories and worlds not to mention many pieces of college work.

All of these very important in the portfolio especially for the job role im looking to enter.

General Examples of both good and bad portfolio's

Networking

Networking is in short terms the connections you make with people be them big or small, it forms a web coming from you of connections you made. If you meet David and David knows Susan but you dont know Susan, she is still now in your web of networking due to knowing David.

Networking is important to the industry at it is a key way to get into the industry and get yourself known to people, without the links to people it would be almost impossible to get a way into the industry without directly going up to someone and asking for a job or applying yourself. 

Networking can also offer unexpected help from people inside the industry through simply talking to them.

But how can networking help my career path into a narrative games career?

More importantly what kinds of networking could help my cause?

Well the obvious one to start off in narrative would be social media, its a great place to store and write small stories or tales and build character/worlds. It is also perfect for getting your small tales out to a large audience of people very quickly.

Take tumblr for example, its blogging allows for quick short stories or grand giant multi-post tales to be re-blogged , twitter is also a good example here as many industry insiders use twitter and could be a great way to share your narrative ideas and work with them to get feedback and make yourself known to them

It is also a prime location to show off portfolio w.i.p work and gain interest in what else is inside your portfolio both from regular people and industry insiders which could lead to job offers or simply having you in mind when a place does come up

Another prime example would be Game conventions, they allow for examination of upcoming games as well as series of games with over arching stories as well as the idea of communication with industry insiders as well as games media about games and your general idea. It could also provide you with skills and much needed tips if your willing to buy some people a beer. Game designers are just people like you and me so most of them have no issue sitting down to talking.

There are a few that take place here in the UK : 

EGX - EGX is a British made Gaming Convention sponsored by Virgin media and s currently set to take place in the Birmingham NEC arena on the 21st -24th of September 

Play Expo -  Play Expo is a British games convention set in Manchester England at event city.

There is one that comes to mind and does take place in the US

Ludem Dare -  Ludem Dare is a game jam hosted this year in San Francisco that gives people a theme and 24/48 hours to create a game, this allows people in the industry to see how people work under a tight deadline and the quality of games they can create with minimal information. It also allows for the people involved to brush up on their skills or develop new ones.

Well i say one but you cant talk US and game gatherings without mentioning 

E3 - E3 is a yearly multi company convention in which the biggest games are shown and revealed and many of the gaming industries top professionals visit to give their games that needed star power, a place like this is perfect to ask questions, build connections and show off work you had done in hopes of making an impression

One important thing to know about networking overall however is that you should never be afraid to talk to someone or ask questions to them, they are not some untouchable idol who will simply scoff at you, they are infact just as human as you are and i imagine they they have trouble talking to a person from time to time. Plus there is only things to gain instead of things to lose 

The Ideal Work Place/Key Companies In My Field

When it comes to an ideal work place that generally comes down to preference, some might want to work for Bethesda, maybe you want to work for EA but this is in general terms which company would be the best suited for the field i would like to enter

The first company that instantly jumps put for narrative focused games would be tell tale who have generally been known to create heavily emotional narrative focused point and click/episodic games based on existing IP’s such as The walking dead, borderlands and game of thrones

https://telltale.com/ -  4000 Civic Center Dr, San Rafael, CA 94903, USA

https://telltale.com/jobs/

As of this moment in time they are only looking for a senior writer in the job field i wish however that doesnt mean i cant apply for another job they are in need of to work my way into a writing position for example they are always looking for q/a testers so using that i can wiggle into a narrative design or writer role by suggesting things that could improve the story experience or helping with the writing of scripts and dialogue.

An issue with telltale however is it is hard to single out a game from their library as more narrative focused or important than any other, walking dead offers a dark saddening take on the world where every option and choice you make will have an impact later. This is in stark contrast to say tales from the borderlands which yes does have a similar choices matter mentality however the story in that game is less serious and grim and more light hearted and lovely.

With tell-tale they cover so much ground in their narrative focused games its hard to single one of them out alone

Not a company that comes to mind when thinking of narrative but one that i would enjoy a job at would be gearbox, they are mainly known for creating the borderlands franchise and as of now are in the process of making the third game . Their narratives tend to be somewhat serious but have a lighthearted tone to them with alot of dirty humor.

Borderlands and its sequels probably are the most notable games they have created and do narrative in an inventive way in that it is both serious yet not at all serious at the same time i mean....the planet your on is in grave danger from a tyrant hell bent on wiping life as you know it off the planet with an alien doom weapon, but at the same time the villian mocks you with such childish insults and sarcastic nonsense its hard to take it seriously, even more so with some of the side missions like “shot this guy in the faace” which is exactly as it sounds.

http://www.gearboxsoftware.com/ -  5757 Main St, Frisco, TX 75034, USA

http://www.gearboxsoftware.com/careers/

Gearbox software have an odd internship program that allows people of all skill levels to join and it is called the cogs program, in their own words the cogs program is 

“The COGS program at Gearbox Software is designed for future game developers to get a chance to start their careers by becoming embedded with the veteran, professional developers at our world-class video game development studio and actually contribute to a commercial video game project. It’s the real deal. This is the foot in the door. This is the chance to prove yourself.

The COGS program differs from a traditional internship because Gearbox Software will actually pay you during your time at the studio. What?! Did you read that right?! Yes, we’re going to pay you to prove yourself. We must be nuts.But forget about us being nuts for a minute – the COGS program is as real as Clap Trap’s malfunctioning artificial personality.

COGS stands for Contractors of Gearbox Software – you will get a contract and it will say that you have become an actual, official, paid professional inside the studio that is home of Borderlands, Duke Nukem, Brothers in Arms, Homeworld, Battleborn, and Randy Pitchford’s flamboyant shirts. The contract terms can be for as little as three months or as long as a year, depending on the timing and the role. During that time you’ll get free soda. Also during that time you’ll contribute to a real commercial product at our AAA development studio earning valuable experience and credit that will not merely be rewarding and insanely gratifying, but will also set-you-up to be very valuable and sought after by the industry. And there’s free snacks to wash down with the soda. Did I already mention the soda? It’s a cool deal.”

quote directly from here

This is all to simply prove if you deserve a job or not

Key people in my field

http://www.evanskolnick.com/games

His portfolio is rather well put together and lists all of his skills and accomplishments as well as any and all of the projects he has worked on  it also seems to show his wide range of work as he has taken part in narrative roles on project such as mafia 3 which is full of gore and racial angles and tension to the kid friendly hi-jinks filled over the hedge game and movie.

This is a portfolio i should keep an eye on and learn from

https://twitter.com/evanskolnick?lang=en

Evan Skolnick is an american born writer who has previous worked on marvel comics as a lead writer and now has jumped into narrative video game design, his most recent project/job being the walking dead : a new frontier by telltale which makes him a key player not only in my field but a company based solely around the field i wish to work in

has a book out called : video game story telling, what every developer needs to know about narrative techniques 

the description of the book and what it may offer

“With increasingly sophisticated video games being consumed by an enthusiastic and expanding audience, the pressure is on game developers like never before to deliver exciting stories and engaging characters. With Video Game Storytelling, game writer and producer Evan Skolnick provides a comprehensive yet easy-to-follow guide to storytelling basics and how they can be applied at every stage of the development process—by all members of the team. This clear, concise reference pairs relevant examples from top games and other media with a breakdown of the key roles in game development, showing how a team’s shared understanding and application of core storytelling principles can deepen the player experience. Understanding story and why it matters is no longer just for writers or narrative designers. From team leadership to game design and beyond, Skolnick reveals how each member of the development team can do his or her part to help produce gripping, truly memorable narratives that will enhance gameplay and bring today’s savvy gamers back time and time again.“

Edwin McRae isnt noteworthy due to the work he has done, though he has worked on many smaller titles and mobile games as a narrative designer and world builder. He is more notable due to his constant advice and tutorials on how to become a better narrative designer and how to build a living breathing world from scratch

He too like Evan has a book or two to be purchased and read which can be found here : https://www.edmcrae.com/books-and-comics.cfm

Another good narrative designer to take a look at would be Daniel Dick, he describes himself as follows

“ I'm a Narrative Director & Writer with over 15 years of industry experience creating, building, and implementing successful narratives (including multiple AAA titles). I also recently designed a narrative design and game writing course for the University of British Columbia's Creative Writing Program.”

Some notable projects he has worked on include 

★ DEUS EX: MANKIND DIVIDED Narrative Director Eidos Montreal ★ HOMEWORLD: DESERTS OF KHARAK Narrative Director BBI / Gearbox ★ SPEC-OPS Lead Narrative Designer & Writer Rockstar Vancouver ★ BULLY Narrative Designer & Writer Rockstar Vancouver ★ SOCOM: TACTICAL STRIKE Lead Writer & Narrative Designer Slant Six / Sony ★ SOCOM: FIRETEAM BRAVO 3 Lead Writer & Narrative Designer Slant Six / Sony ★ NEED FOR SPEED & SSX Story Consultant & Contract Writer Electronic Arts ★ TREASURE PLANET Game Designer & Writer Barking Dog / Disney ★ THE DAMASCUS LETTER​: A Spy Novel Author Finalist for the AMAZON BREAKTHROUGH NOVEL AWARD in 2011.

His portfolio on Linkden is also very well put together and will have to keep an eye on this one as well

https://www.linkedin.com/in/danieldick/

The skills i need

When it comes to narrative design in general there are certain skills you will need when entering the field.

Atleast basic knowledge on pacing and tone to a story, you cant have characters fighting an epic war then suddenly 2 seconds later have a clown filled tea party only to mourn their friends for  a solid hour or two after that, it kills both the tone your going for and pacing. Keep it balanced and consistent

Understand character and world building, it good to create a world or character but if they are blank slates of boring with a side of boring pie then no one will care.

To create a breathing living world you must think about every detail and bit of history, what does this town do for the world, why is this ruin here, where do these enemies live etc. However be careful as you cannot make a game with backstory and word building alone and people do not want to have to sit through hours of lore.

Characters are harder to build, they can have preset fears and goals and motivations and even backstories however alot of the time they need to grow alongside the player and inside the events of your narrative. If a character loses something precious to them show it, if they are tried from a long battle show it, if they have been beaten badly and took a massive hit to their pride again show it to the player and in the character.

Script/dialogue writing skills and understanding what goes into creating them. Make sure every bit of dialogue fits who it is meant for perfectly and try to avoid repetition if possible. Ensure scripts are clear to read for the voice actors

Ability to take critique and improve from it, maybe someone thinks a certain aspect of your narrative is a bit off and wants to give feedback, it would be your job to take that feedback in and maybe change the narrative a bit to fit it.

Interpersonal skills, do you really think your going to be working alone....yeah no it doesnt work like that as you will be with a team of writers more than likely who will be throwing in ideas into this world or character and trying to make them perfect. Listen to what they have to say and work with them. Plus you will be working with other departments, maybe the environment designer needs specific dialogue for a fire area and you need to take a look at the area to gauge what kind of dialogue to fit into it, Maybe the character designer needs help figuring out how this character might speak and what they could even say

You have to have the ability to understand the genre of what it is your writing, cant have a kid friendly platformer suddenly have sexual jokes and decapitations now can we?

Organization in your writing is a good skill to possess as well as good motivation skills and time management

My work and evaluating it/General Evaluation

Now that i have mentioned the skills needed and the work i have done it is time to evaluate it bit by bit and see if i meet the standards set above and if not how can i achieve them from where i am now

My work

Short stories and poems tend to come to me in the moment and usually come from my already made characters, existing characters from movies/tv/games or from some random idea i had in my mind. However as mention before they tend to be a one time thing and rarely branch out and become longer, any longer story usually gets forgotten about due to motivational or memory issues even if broken into parts (For example i got 5 parts into a dark souls 3 story before forgetting it and never really going back to continue it). If i wish to get into narrative i need to work on long stories 

The few twine games i have made so far are at a time where i have minimal knowledge of twine and one of them i cannot add to my porfolio due to content inside it. They are not nearly to the standard they could or should be and i should spend time completing and working on them to put them at the level i believe they could be.

The blog is personally my proudest bit of writing, i started the blog with a charcter based on an ingame mario enemy that had no backstory or anything, no personifcation or even personality. I took this enemy and gave it life and a soul, gave it wants and needs and fears and a personality, it has goals and a past now and as said has spawned countless Alternate worlds and ideas from it due to the story i have told with him. However alot of the writing tends to be very informal and dailouge based and the blog also has some informal and silly content to go through, will need to isolate the writing from this blog to show on the portfolio

As said he has spawned countless characters off of himself, from a sweet gentle shy king, to an evil dominating tyrant, a lonely yet wise last of his kind hunter, a sickening horrific yet lovable spider hybrid creature, a shy 1 limbed mechanic looking into necromancy to power his robotics to be honest this is stuff to include in the portfolio however it mention it here as no matter how many characters i do have i should continue to add more to the mix and develop them every chance i get to do so.

Skills and myself overall

In terms of skills i would like to atleast believe i own some of the needed skills for my job role, a basic understanding of pacing and tone, world and character building experience as well as interpersonal skills and abilities. Perhaps i do struggle a small amount with critique as sometimes it dont learn or go back to redo what is told of me.

Out side of skills to myself in general im a generally approachable and creative guy who could keep tensions low and ensure that everyone in the company is keeping themselves happy and destressed, i would also like to believe im willing to advance and learn even if it is painful.

But to evaluate you have to speak of the bad too, which is sometimes i can be very unmotivated and avoid/put off work for as long as possible even if i understand and know i have work. I can also get frustrated easilly with things that i cannot do or do not understand, if i wish to advance in my industry i willl need to put these under lock and key 

My path into industry due to what i have found here

Due to the information i have found here there are a few paths into industry i can take

i can look for a indie or triple A developer looking for a q/a tester and work into the company from there offering the skills i do have to help construct the game and help any struggling member of the team during my none working hours, this iwll show them my previously obtained skills and allow them to remember me above all the other Q/A testers thus getting a foot in the door

I could also use my Voice acting talent and get in through that, voice a character and offer changes and help to the script as well as developing the character which again gives me a foot into the door.

another option is to wiggle into games journalism, this way i can write about and meet many developers as well as play some of the hottest games before anyone else and offer my opinion on them and what could be changed.

#FWDD2000

[atlantias]

date #2 of 2017

so i saw the 22 year old TA again from this story and it was actually one of the best dates i ever had. we spent a long time together so get ready for it lol

he planned on taking me to this cove right by the ocean to show me the night sky with all the stars and the moon in all their glory and he was obsessing over the sky being just perfect with minimal clouds

so i drive to his house n im not as nervous as i was from the first story. he invites me in and i sit in his kitchen as he makes a smoothie lmaooo it was actually kinda grody....spinach, kale, mango flavored fish oil, and blueberries was the combination. he got me to try it and i was lowkey disgusted and he laughed a lot at my reaction lol. i learned he was just casually reading a book of war poetry by WWI poets and i was like shit dude ur intelligent...

i told him i didn’t eat dinner and that i was gna eat mcdonalds (i remember from the last date that he didn’t enjoy mcdonalds) and he actually was down to go! as we drove on the way there we talked more music n stuff and he let me look at his music and i got to choose the songs!! he and i like the same shit! blink 182, the killers (my fav), flume, joywave, old fall out boy, etc. also come to find out he likes one of my FAV SONGS EVERRR (i actually found it on tumblr 23858 years ago here and i had never met anyone else who knew about the song). he and i sang it together n i felt so happy. he’s super into films and we bonded over how we liked the inclusion of alfred hitchcock’s psycho into the song.

so we eat our mcdonalds n blast music and we decide to watch bates motel (neither of us had seen it) because it related to psycho lol. he and i cuddled on the couch and after a couple of episodes we took a break and i actually MET HIS MOM????? his mom was pretty and very sweet. she asked me about myself and was very inviting and kind. i was so surprised to meet his mom..... and i was surprised by how comfortable i felt. it was a nice contrast from experiences with my ex in which i freaked out about meeting his family weeks in advance and i didn’t feel comfortable during the introductions when i finally met them. 

at one point we ran out to his car and he drove to the cove but unfortunately it was so cloudy you couldn’t see anything. however, we did walk out a little bit to hear the ocean and i smiled up at the moon thanking the moon for being there for everything n for giving me these rly nice moments ill remember forever. i thanked the moon for sharing this contentment with me. he also showed me some of his fav places in the town growing up, mostly places he smoked weed lmao

when we got back to his house, we kept watching bates motel and honestly he reminds me of freddie highmore from bates motel bc they’re both a lil quirky and nerdy and totally dorky. he even mentioned how he is like freddie highmore “when it comes to things like this” right before he turned my head to kiss me :) then we just started making out and at one point he just laid his head down on me as i was stroking his hair and rubbing his back and it was genuinely one of the most calming experiences ever. he told me my hair smells good and i confessed that he smells good everywhere lol. i apologized for blue balling him at one point and he told me it was totally fine and didn’t make me feel bad about being on my period. he told me he was falling asleep on me and so we ended up going up to his bedroom. he gave me an oversized t shirt he brought back from college with the word "fargo” (the capital of north dakota) on it, the place his mom his from.

up in his bedroom we cuddle, and i notice how neatly i fit into his arms and intertwined with his body. it’s not uncomfortable, it’s not too hot, our bones don’t hurt each other, and our breathing is in sync. our heartbeats are straight up the same rate. he smells really good too. he smells like a home. we started making out more and for a second time i apologized for blue balling him. he told me not to worry about it because he knew there was a chance we wouldn’t have sex and he was okay with it bc he still wanted to hang out with me. we talked a lil in the dark (where i feel the most safest) and we talked about our relationships with our parents and our families and our struggles as divorced kids. 

in the morning at 7:30, i noticed he got up and left and didn’t come back to bed. i rolled over and he had left me a note on his pillow next to me apologizing about the indigestion he got from the blueberries from his smoothie the night before. he wrote “feel free to wake me up if you rise before me” LOL. it was cute. i wanted to spend more time with him, so i headed down to his basement where he was sleeping on the couch. i asked him if he had to get up at a certain time in the morning and he said no, so i ended up canceling my work, lying about a car problem. he welcomed me on the couch, tucking me in under the covers, but 2 minutes later i told him he could come back up to bed. 

we cuddled more in bed, i didn’t really let him sleep lol and we talked more. he asked me about my favorite books and we talked about our friends and china and just random topics. we stayed in bed for 3 more hours haha :) we made out a couple more times too and he told me he likes my icy cold feet. he keeps me warm n i smile a lot when im with him :) i felt super comfortable with him, we were able to banter. at one point i said “i like hanging out with you” really softly and he went “what?” and i repeated it just a bit louder and he said “what?” again but then said “im kidding, i like hanging out with you too” and i got pretend mad at him by turning my back to him and telling him he’s an asshole and it was cute. he told me we fit together like puzzle pieces and i was like wow is he a real human being???? this is so random but i taught him a lil about periods (he’s an only child n never learned about these things) 

fast forward, we go to a diner that i had always wanted to go to! and he pays! wow! we talk about random shit like fav movies and school and food. i dared him to eat an entire gob of botter and to chug the small glass of maple syrup; both of which he did, and i gagged each time. we also went to whole foods (my first time going) and he bought me green tea and mango mochi! at one point it was so cold that i coughed all the powder from the mochi all over myself, my phone, and his car and he laughed so hard. on the drive back to his house, i asked if i could play a song, and i played one of my fav songs, lonely lullabies by kweku collins, and he said he really liked it ahhh!!

before we parted ways, he kissed me briefly and then hugged me (picking me up ugh). i made him promise that he wouldn’t watch bates motel without me. we pinky promised and he kisses the pinky which is something i do and it made me so happy :) then he texted me later saying “that was a whole lotta fun. we should do that again soon” 

summary n notes: i like that he keeps his eyes closed when we kiss. he keeps them squeezed shut. i rly like him as a human being, he’s interesting and he’s interested in me ? confused. im kinda nervous bc our universities are 1.5 hours away from each other. his mom asked how far away our schools were when we met and he randomly asked me if i had a car at college. i rly rly do like him but i dont know what he wants or what i even want. also back at college i have a fwb that i get along with rly well as a person n this sounds so selfish but i don’t want to cut my fwb out of my life either. i have only one more week of break so i hope i see him again :)

#college #boys

[adambstingus]

My Friends And I Found A Mysterious Hole On My Property And We Decided To Explore Its Depths

I need to have my story heard. I need to write this down. If I don’t, then I fear I’ll end up as mad as everyone thinks I already am. I’ve spent the past 11 months trying to find meaning and answers at the bottom of a bottle, but it never helps. Every night I wake in a cold sweat, shaking uncontrollably and gasping for air in the wake of the memory of the things I saw. Even now, I cannot venture past my door after dusk for fear of what lies beyond. Every bark from my dogs is a warning; every flicker of the floodlights that surround my house has me running for the generators. I have no idea what future awaits me past this moment, but I know I can’t stand the thought of another day where my experiences are not recorded in some way.

I farm a sizable piece of land, some several thousand acres in size. What I farm isn’t important, just the location. Upon my land occurs a unique land formation a type of rock that bears in a pattern unique to this area. In all the world, there is always something similar, but never quite exactly the same. Imagine a type of rock used by the early peoples to make paints that they would apply to their faces colors of orange, tan, red, white, and blue and embedded within these rocks are numerous geodes. It was always my plan that, should I fall upon financial hardship, I would sell these geodes at local stores or flea markets to the more “spiritual” people that frequented the larger towns near my home. Now however, that is no longer an option.

Until last year, I would allow hunters onto my land each winter to hunt deer and elk, occasionally joining them, as one elk could feed me for the better part of a year. They were my friends men I had hunted with for years and whom I had come to depend upon. I can still remember crawling through the brush of my property some year ago, only to came face to face with a mountain lion that appeared just as stunned as I at the encounter. I scarcely remember un-holstering my sidearm, a Beretta that had been gifted to me some years ago, and unloading half a clip into its still startled face as the panicked hands of my hunting buddies tore apart catclaw and mesquite branches alike to reach me before the second gunshot had rung out.

I still hold fond memories of how we laughed at the encounter that evening as they applied hydrogen peroxide to their bloodied hands in-between sips of beer. None of us went back for that mountain lion carcass. I think we honestly believed it wouldn’t be there if we looked, as if it had shrugged off several 9mm rounds fired point blank and was laughing off the encounter with its own buddies in much the same way we were. Sometimes I can still think back on that evening and smile at the image of all of us, wearing our beanies and fatigues, rifles slung over our backs…. The only two things that saved me in the end were my sidearm and the men at my back.

It was supposed to be a good year for hunting, the weather had been kind to us over the months and the uncharacteristic amount of rain for the area meant there was more grass to graze. Already I’d begun seeing elk lying dead on the side of the road. Unfortunate for the driver, but hopefully a sign of greater numbers that season. It was a more humid year than we were used to and it seemed like the winter would be harsh, but for us, it only meant buying more firewood. I’d been keeping the corn feeders stocked throughout the year and keeping a mental checklist of every deer and elk I saw. Even the javelina were starting to become a nuisance, although a decent source of meat provided you got a clean shot before they could musk.

I knew every inch of my property like the back of my hand, or at least I thought I did. It wasnt until two weeks into the season that we encountered . We were on a night hunt, trekking through a part of the property I’d taken to calling “Paint Rock Canyon,” due to the abundance of the unique rock formations in that area. It had needed no descent, just a brief 45 minute drive to the area situated between two mountains that sat almost directly in the middle of the property. We were all outfitted with LED headlamps and Maglites and most of us had outfitted our rifles with night-vision scopes, save for Anthony.

Anthony was not a large man, but he did seem to carry luck on his side. His medium length hair was usually tied back into a small ponytail and he had an almost ill-informed love of his neatly trimmed mutton chop sideburns and mustache that had earned him the nickname “Lemmy.” He couldn’t be considered lanky, nor could he be called overweight. On the whole, Anthony was quite normal, which many mistook for “average” brown hair, brown eyes, and a tanned complexion shared by the rest of us (the result of a life lived working outdoors). He had brought his AR-15, something he won in a local rodeo raffle, equipped with a thermal scope. While the others had found the rifle enviable, I was less impressed. Admittedly, I was disappointed that I didn’t win the second prize, which was a lever-action rifle with a custom saddle holster, provided by my favourite, local saddlery. I’m ashamed to admit it in retrospect, but I took a small comfort in the fact that Anthony was limited to featureless black-and-white as opposed to the rest of us.

Apart from Anthony, the hunting party consisted of Markus, Forrester, and myself. Markus was a heavy set Hispanic man who I turned to whenever I needed help with any of my vehicles, which was typically one per month. Auto repair was his family’s business and hed taken over the shop from his father after his passing. Forrester on the other hand was a pious man, a devout Baptist, and the only one among us who could honestly say hed never known the taste of liquor in his life. While the rest of us would set up the satellite to watch the game and drink to the point where we felt 10 years younger, Forrester could always be found over a smoker or grill that hed welded together himself, a root beer in one hand and a cooking utensil in the other. He was the shortest of all of us, but the only other farmer apart from myself, and my main source of hay when it came to animal feed.

That’s how I will always remember them before we found that damn hole under the light of the full moon. It was impossibly large and dug into the base of one of the mountains where the Paint Rock began. The hole was larger than any one of us and seemed like it was freshly dug. It certainly hadnt been there when wed last passed through the canyon scarcely two days prior. We stood in front of it in confusion for several minutes, questioning what could have caused such a thing when an elk came sprinting out, startling us all. Anthony was the quickest on the draw, bringing his rifle up and letting off several quick bursts as the gigantic animal bound towards us. The rest of us dove for cover, all but Anthony who, with his unbelievable luck, pierced the animal’s heart, bringing it crashing to the ground as he finally dove away from the falling body of an animal that weighed enough to total any vehicle unfortunate enough to collide with its form.

After calling to ensure that everyone was unhurt, we quickly turned our lights on the elks corpse, which turned out to be a cow rather than a bull as wed all assumed. Bullet wounds marked its body and I could have sworn the wounds on its back looked far too large to be caused by the 5.56 rounds fired from Anthonys rifle, yet I dismissed them as exit wounds despite being able to vividly recall no upward angle to his shots.

We were all thoroughly shaken by the experience and yet, for some unknowable reason, our curiosity was piqued. I recalled no one else on my land and doubted border-jumpers could have made something large enough to conceal an elk in less than two days. For reasons I will never fully know, none of us contested the idea when Markus suggested venturing inside the tunnel. We readied our night-scopes and light sources, pocketed some extra ammunition and abandoned what little light was offered by the night sky and made our way into the darkness.

The first thing we noticed as we entered the tunnel was its slope, which I think we all expected, except instead of sloping down into the earth the hole slanted upwards, ascending into the mountain. Out flashlights and headlamps illuminated the earthen walls yet saw no immediate end to the tunnel, which seemed to extend almost impossibly far.

Markus led the way, followed by Anthony, Forrester, and myself. I looked in awe at the almost circular hole that could almost comfortably fit a tractor within, provided you never intended to turn around. It was maybe a hundred yards into the tunnels depths that we first noticed a change and felt hesitant to continue. The air felt cool…yet . It was uncharacteristically more humid than any of us were used to. At first, we dismissed it as a result of being underground until we also began to realise we also felt lighter. Not only that, but the air somehow seemed thinner, like we were suddenly much higher in altitude, even though no mountain on my property was more than a few hundred feet tall. As our nerves began to take hold, Markus noticed what seemed to be an opening ahead, possibly into some sort of cavern. With none of us wanting to be the first to suggest turning back, we all agreed to at least see where the tunnel led before heading back.

After another 50 or so yards, Markus came upon the opening and froze. When asked what it was, it seemed all he could do to manage a wordless stutter, apparently rooted in place by whatever it was that he was witnessing until Anthony made his way beside him to shine his own light into the opening. I caught a brief glimpse of green on the ground before Anthony turned his head back and slowly, disbelievingly called Forrester and myself forward.

Exiting the tunnel, we stepped into…I still dont know how to describe it, a Jules Verne novel? The center of the earth? All that I know is that I now think of it as hell. What looked like greenish-black moss and algae covered the ground around us and giant, impossible plants grew amongst the moss. Various black-leaved ferns grew several yards, like those you would see in pictures of tropical climates, some growing upwards and branchless, maybe 10 feet tall with leaves like black pine needles reaching for the sky. And there was a sky. As impossible as it sounds, the four of us stood in silence, in a tunnel dug into a mountain at our backs, staring into a night sky. At first, my mind didnt want to believe it reeled at the idea. I first rationalised that they were some sort of glowing insects on the cavern roof, that there was no way they could be stars, but it wasnt long until I realised that the size and shape was wrong, even for stars. Together we stared into a night sky dotted not by distant suns, but by distant galaxies.

All around us, under an alien night sky, life grew up from the ground. The trunk of some massive tree reached towards the night sky just to the right of us, nearly a 100 feet high and four feet across, yet instead of branches, it looked more like an asparagus stalk, sprouting tightly packed, pale looking pods that resembled mushroom caps. Another tree looked not dissimilar to a spanish dagger cactus, yet with the same black leaves as the alien fern and almost three times larger than it should be with bark that resembled alligator skin, dotted with large white flower towards its apex. Around us countless alien plants grew, too many to recall had I even noticed them, because that was the moment grabbed Anthony.

Our first warning was a rapidly approaching series of clicks, but apart from that, the thing was impossibly quiet, swooping down from above with blinding speed and snatching Anthony up, carrying him screaming into the darkness as the rest of us were knocked to the ground by a gust of wind. By the time we were up and calling for Anthony, he was gone and Markus was running after off into that alien landscape, screaming his Anthonys name as Forrester and I gave chase.

Our chase was hampered by how light our bodies felt, every step propelled us farther than we were used to, which made it difficult to balance ourselves at any speed. Regardless, Markus had enough of a head start that by the time we caught up to him, hed already started firing. He was aimed into the branches of some alien tree above him, firing shot after shot until something fell at his feet. Following his gaze, it was too dark to see high enough into the tree, but bringing the scope of my .308 to my eyes, I saw the creature. Through the green colouring of my night scope, I couldnt make out the color of its feathers, but the creature was huge. It was large enough to steal a small horse into the sky. The creature was armed with talons the length of my arm, which were wrapped around a branch, a long, needle-like beak protruding from the centre of a flat, only vaguely bird-like face. The creature seemed like some unholy union between an owl and some reptilian creature. Its face was almost entirely free of feathers and covered in a scaly skin with a pair of forward-facing eyes so large that they seemed to take up more than half of its head. It sat on the branch, letting loose a series of bizarre clicks until one of Markus bullets struck its abdomen and it took off, flying away into the night.

We looked to Markus and saw him crouched down over Anthonys crumpled form he had fallen from the branches when Markus had started firing. Even before making my way to him, I knew he was dead. The fall was too high, his body looked too twisted. When the light from my flashlight illuminated his body, I immediately wished it hadnt. The creature’s talons tore his chest, stomach, and legs open. From the state of his innards as they lay splayed around him it was apparent that the creature had begun to feed before Markus started firing upon it. As we stood in stunned silence around Anthonys corpse, Markus began to moan, a low, woeful sound, as if his body and mind couldnt reconcile whether to be violently ill or if he should cry out in anguish. Forrester and I stood silently, neither of us certain of what to do. We were unable to process that our friend was dead until it slowly dawned on us that none of us knew where we were. In our haste to save Anthony, we had left behind our only means of returning home.

It was at that moment I truly began to feel what others describe as despair, a feeling of such hopelessness fueled by the loss of one of my dearest friends and the crashing realization that we were alone, trapped in a place that had likely never before been seen by human eyes. I felt what seemed like tears of panic and sorrow begin to form. My breathing quickened as panic threatened to consume me. My heart hammered away I know not whether from fear of from adrenaline, yet through some means I will never fully know, I was able to keep my composure, possibly because I still refused to believe that any of what was happening was real.

When we tried to tell Markus of our situation, a fury seemed to take over, adamantly refusing to leave Anthonys body where it was while we tried to explain to him through panicked whispers that it was too dangerous to try to carry him with us, especially if other creatures like the one that had carried him away were lured by the smell of blood. Markus ignored our reasoning, instead muttering with only passing moments of coherence as he calmly attempted to reinsert Anthonys innards back into the torso. Markus mumbled that it would be okay, that things were lighter here, that he would take Anthony home and patch him up, that hed be okay as long as he got him back out into Paint Rock Canyon, because where they were was so impossible that it would be impossible for him die there too. His ravings became louder and louder as Forrester and I frantically tried to calm his growing madness.

From where the next creature came from, I still do not know, but like everything else on this world, it was monstrous and impossibly large. It made no noise when it grabbed Forrester between its massive pincers and Forresters attempts to scream were cut off by a gurgling wheeze when he was torn in half, as if all the air and blood were trying to escape from his lungs at once. In the dim torchlight, the creature seemed jet black, as wide as a feral pig, yet its serpentine body trailed more than 15 feet behind it. Its head seemed to be little more two giant eyes that had formed into one, yet was like that of an ant while the rest of its body was like that of a centipede, covered in a insectile, chitinous exoskeleton that seemed almost reddish-brown in color.

Blood and viscera spilled onto the alien soil as Forresters legs fell away from him, the same wheezing, gurgling sounds escaped from his lips for what seemed like minutes. I am ashamed to admit it, but at that moment, panic and fear took their hold on me and I found myself stumbling back, toppling over Anthonys crumpled body. I crawled backwards in an attempt to escape the nightmare that was illuminated before me. My last memory was the sounds of Markus chastising me followed by several rounds of gunfire and a sharp pain as something struck the side of my head, followed by the darkness of unconsciousness.

When I awoke, I found myself alone. As images and memories of what had happened returned to me, I sat up in a panic. I was back within the tunnel, presumably carried there by Markus, but the bodies of Anthony and Forrester were nowhere to be seen. In the distance, I heard no gunfire, no screams, no clicks from some monstrous raptor soaring through alien skies, scanning the land for prey. Out of fear, I refused to call Markus name, instead I fled down the slope of the tunnel, and refused to look back. Not even when I exited the tunnel back onto familiar earthen soil and ran to the waiting vehicle did I dare look at that tunnel, terrified that I might see that gargantuan insect-like creature pursuing me.

Everything following that was a series of calls, first on short-wave radio and then to the sheriff on my landline once I found myself back home. Search parties were mobilized, questions were asked, I was treated for shock, underwent numerous evaluations, was asked whether it could have been a mountain lion whether my mind had created the scenario to deal with the trauma. They found the tunnel, but it led nowhere. No alien world lay beyond. It simply ended with an earthen wall some 10 feet in. Officially, it was dismissed an abandoned illegal camp being used as a mountain lion den, but there were rumors that there was no sign it had been used by either. People began to talk, to say I had snapped and killed my friends. But I know what happened, what continues to happen.

Whenever I find the corpse of a deer or an elk, I know it was some hellish, clicking, avian creature that slaughtered it, flying forth from whatever doorway is contained within that canyon. I know I cant ever sell this place, for I am the only one who knows the signs to look for, for the tunnels to cave in. I havent found any more since that night, but I know theyre out there, leading to the bodies of my friends whove been left to rot in some unknowable hell, under the sky of a world between galaxies in the darkest region of existence.

And yet I can never truly call it hell, because if it was, then why did the tunnel ascend?

For potentially haunted emails, sign up for the Creepy Catalog monthly newsletter!

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/my-friends-and-i-found-a-mysterious-hole-on-my-property-and-we-decided-to-explore-its-depths/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/177328889447

[examgrade8lm-blog]

final grade calculator exam

This packing requires an honourable investigation of your chivalric and the scheme of calculate my final exam that you may hit today and how it affects the whole curriculum you make and state to your students. The production must be iii to quatern pages in size. Graduate Teachers present human an possibleness to touch what they discover in the education through overcritical investigation into questions specified as: Who is the person in the calculate grade needed to pass set-up? Who is the instructor trustworthy to thatch this prentice? What kinds of school final grade finals calculator experiences will be provided to learners to forbear them turn positive, caviling, and active citizens? What are some of the interpersonal inï‚uences on how to calculate semester grade without final (institution, peers, community, and churchly scholars)? Dont over-elaborate your fulfill plans. Use panduriform forms of programme (copy) diagrams or obey maps to apprehension and organisation your reply (Ch 17). Use diagrams and tables in your lick. This saves measure otherwise spent making demanding and protracted explanations, but attain careful they are worthwhile and that you pertain to them in the text. Use regular abbreviations. This present forbid quantify continuance matter, but e'er vindicate the abbreviations at the ordinal restore of use. Nonetheless, this is not needful for standard abbreviations much as e. g. (for representation), i.e. (that is) and etc. (et cetera " and so forth). Ever cell your eye on the clip. There is no fix in having a strategy if you lose to follow to it. You may encounter it helps to endure off your follow and put it where in can be easily seen on the desk. Few students judge it stabilising to affect out the end nowadays for apiece challenge beforehand as an aid to timekeeping. As the allotted period for each work draws to a closemouthed, play careful your manage is on closing your answer. Analyze quicken of composition and tidiness. Power you be symptom experience by disagreeable to indite too neatly or using a type of pen that slows you drink? Ballpen and liquified gel pens are likely the fastest. Conversely, are you uvre too apace and making your book difficult to reiterate? You can only climb businessman if the asker can feature your playscript. Enter your answer bladelike and to the mark. It should make earn explanations of your intellection. Plane when working apace, keep your eye on the task. You must work the particular discourse that has been set (Ch 61). Dont be tempted to waffle. Think that clip assumed to create impertinent real is case lost from other converse. Dont destroy quantify including unsuitable facts conscionable because you memorised them during writing. This may do you author change than advantageous. Where right, create your assumptions univocal " most mathematical models demand that predestinate criteria are met before they can be legitimately applied, and whatsver refer assumptions and approximations. In any cases you may be acknowledged accomplishment for stating these understandably at the outset. Plan your strategy for responsive shortly, perhaps explaining the applicatory procedure or definitions that suit the attack to be confiscated. Relinquish details of what the symbols link (and their units) at this disk. If rearranging a statement, evince how you person done this, using symbols honours, then substituting related quantitative values. Exchange to the desired units move by step, i.e. action each varied in transmute. Try to get into the misuse of work all book with their units, unless they are genuinely dimensionless. Students middling agreed that they final grade cal set enough and they run to set with group move incoming to them. They were unsettled when they comment near their joy, cramming during exams, and the ignoring knowledge of their Aggregation educator. Students fairly disagreed that the classroom activities are production; that they do not deprivation to help Assemblage accumulation. Use all your live, qualifications, sports and leisure activities to your good. These can furnish information near ain qualities, specified as leading or trait. Intend to them factually at the fit points in the CV (Table 66.1) and notice them again in mortal to own qualities and skills, either in the particularised country on this or in your personalised evidence or travail owner. Get a back view on your CV and utilisation laurels. Ask a trustworthy and unfavorable christian or blood member to seem through every variant of your CV that you fruit to analyse for errors and to help you fetch out the optimum in your submission. Your careers mating may furnish a assistance for this, or you may care to attempt the advice of an pedantic adviser. Similarly, in a summary final exam grade calculator of 1269 measure 7 and 8 students to investigate philosophy beliefs, Schommer, et al. (2000) also investigated the prophetical appreciate of philosophy beliefs in students GPA scores. The students in the calculate my class grade realised the revised version of Schommer’s epistemological beliefs questionnaire. Only whatever share of the students’ GPA scores could be obtained from cultivate records. Thus, to ensure that students with GPA scores were not substantially incompatible from the entire distribution, the researchers conducted chi-square psychotherapy to consider students with and without GPA scores information. No earthshaking differences were recovered for sexuality or for score aim in building. The researchers more tested the representativeness of beliefs of students with obtained GPA entropy using one way multivariate psychotherapy of departure incorporating the availability of GPA soothsayer and epistemological belief scores as the criterion measures. There were no remarkable differences obtained for the philosophy beliefs sub-dimension scores. Since the researchers revealed that the students with acquirable GPA scores were open same with the intact try, they continuing with the retroversion psychotherapy. In say to analyze the prognosticative amount of epistemological beliefs, students’ GPA scores were regressed on philosophy beliefs scores in stepwise regression. At each locomotion of the reasoning, the unsettled occupation for the maximal variance entered the equalisation. Two of the illusionist variables were constitute profound; belief in steady cognition and belief in excitable acquisition. It can be over that there was a relation between students’ epistemological beliefs and their plain achievement in train, author specifically, the little students believed in secure nsis to hear and hurried learning, the punter GPA they had.