#i drew this like a month or two ago and never posted it oopsies | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cbk1000 · 6 years

Text

The review I just posted on Goodreads (under a cut because it’s long and contains excerpts depicting child rape):

This review is a warning for any readers who are looking for a cute, lightweight historical romance with a happy ending; you won't find it here. You will, however, find pedophilia and a 'hero' who turns out to be a child rapist. While I wish that were a hyperbolic statement it is not; nor is it open to interpretation: the main character himself confesses to feeling a sexual attraction to the main heroine while she was still a child and he an adult. He also confesses to sexually assaulting her in her sleep. I'm going to quote these scenes exactly as they are, so if you do not have the stomach to read an in-depth description of the assault, this is your warning to turn back now. This is the most vile book I have ever read. The writing is terrible; you wouldn't use it for toilet paper after a bad bout of food poisoning; even your poorly-digested Mexican food deserves better than that. But it's a hilariously over-the-top sort of terrible until the very end, when anatomical oopsies and characters with all the maturity and cleverness of a 6-year-old (and not a precocious one) are exchanged for the author's disgusting romanticization of child rape. I try not to judge a fiction writer based on their material; the manifestations of our imaginations are not generally indicative of our morality. But to write, in all seriousness, a scene in which your main character assaults a sleeping child, and worse, to use this scene as a way to assuage the heroine's fears that the 'hero' doesn't really love her, to persuade her that, in fact, the 'hero' loved her all along, that he never even looked at another woman once she came into his life (at the age of 12), is, to vastly understate my feelings on the subject, profoundly disturbing. The author's bio states that 'Her stories feature heroes who fall so much in love that they go a little batty, acting the way women often wish their lovers would behave.' RAPING A CHILD IS NOT 'A LITTLE BIT BATTY'. DROWN YOURSELF. To provide some context for the following excerpts: Vlad and Mala are married under English law. Shortly afterward, Mala is kidnapped by an unknown horseman who later turns out to be her brother. Vlad sets out for their nearby encampment to confront her family, only to find that Mala has gone willingly because she has persuaded herself that Vlad never really loved her; otherwise, he'd have had them married according to Romani traditions. Even though he has literally married her and pronounced an excruciating number of times (in language laden with the plunder of a thousand violated thesauri), how eternally devoted he is to her incomparable ladybits, she decides he doesn't really love her because these people are all flaming stupid and the author needed to throw in a bit of cheap drama at the last moment. It turns out Vlad has a big secret (that we the readers are not made aware of until the very last second because not being a complete dumpster fire of a human who thinks it's wonderfully romantic to have the hero RAPE CHILDREN isn't enough: the author wouldn't know how to competently tell a story if it crawled, fully-plotted, out of her ass and fucking bit her), and Mala tells him she will not return with him unless he confesses this secret to her and explains why he ran away from her family years ago, so she can judge whether or not he will just throw her over again and vanish. So here we go. This is his confession, word for word: 'I swear to you that I’m no deviant. I’ve never had a sexual interest in children. Never. Well, never until you were twelve and I came to meet your Papa and attend his wedding to my mother. Mother introduced us and my heart stopped. I froze and don’t even recall if I spoke. Then you ran up to give me a hug in welcome and my most private part unfroze with a vengeance.” He paused for breath and to give her a chance to kick him and run away–but when she did neither, he continued. “I was horrified at myself, but helpless against the force of my response. Through the ceremony I positioned myself behind a small shrub of a convenient height and vowed not to so much as look at you. Course, I couldn’t look at anyone or anything else. When the women began dancing around the couple after the vows, I watched your budding breasts jiggle when you kicked and imagined myself…,” A noise in the background halted his words, and he jumped ahead. “That night, around the fire, Tobar gave an amazing, emotional speech, where he said that in marrying my mother, he acquired another son. My blood father hated me for existing as I was a living reminder of his unpardonable lapse of judgment in wedding a damned gypsy. Your father accepted me, Russian blood and all. I couldn’t repay his affection by lusting after my step-sister. I left that night and vowed to stay away until whatever demon that had possessed me was evicted.' He then apparently went on to drown himself in a bunch of orgies, but decides not to tell her that part because she doesn't need to hear it. He continues: '"I thought it possible that I’d exaggerated the event in my mind. I returned about two and a half months after we first met, vowing to treat you as a younger sister. I kept my vow until I spotted you as I rode in, strolling in an area secluded from the caravan by a stand of trees. You were flirting with a lad a couple of years older. He brushed your hair back and tilted up your chin for a kiss he never got. I leapt off my galloping stallion, stormed over and told the brash bastard that if he so much as looked at you again, I’d geld him. I was jealous as hell.” “You were?” Mala asked. “I thought you were acting like an enraged big brother.” “No,” Vlad said. “Hell, no. Despite my every vow and intention, my love, I have never, for a single second, felt like your brother. My obsession with you grew worse, and more obvious. Your father says he saw it and so did Nic, but neither of them had a clue how low I’d sink, how evil I’d become. I kept myself mostly under control that visit, save for a few brush ups with some of the other fellows who had dreams and intentions that I destroyed rather ruthlessly. It was my next visit when my demon overthrew my will. That’s when the true evil started.” “That’s nonsense,” Mala said. “No, it’s not,” Vlad said. “All I can say in my defense is that the first time was accidental. I was away from the tribe, fishing and trying to clear my head and cool my loins. I succeeded only in aggravating the fish. After I packed up my gear, I strolled in the woods for a bit. A splash and a giggle drew my attention, and I stalked to a stand of trees and dense brush and peered through. ‘Twas you, dressed only in sunlight and your golden skin. You were bathing. Your youth, my supposed honor and morality, all of it commanded me to leave and give you privacy. I didn’t. After that, every night, at every campsite, I did it again and again.” Mala blinked. “You watched me bathe? And the other girls as well?” “There were other girls?” Vlad asked. “There are no other girls, Mala. There are no other women.” He steeled himself and continued. “And yes, I watched you, but I did more. I pleasured myself as I watched. I invaded your privacy and desecrated it. I reviled myself for it then and every moment since then. I ordered myself to stop but I didn’t. I couldn’t. I’d leave so I’d have to stop, but I could not stay away. Then came my worst transgression. One winter’s night, your father and brother left with the other men to scout and liberate some horses. They asked me to sleep inside the vardo with you. I tried to do the right thing and made myself a separate pallet, but you complained of the cold. It took pitifully little for me to join you in your cozy nest. You cuddled up to my back innocently, for warmth.” Vlad paused and closed his eyes, but she made a noise of protest so he looked at her again. “My flesh felt every sweet inch of you, and I ate it up like a starving man at a banquet. Eventually, I drifted off to sleep. When I awoke, our positions had reversed. You’d turned over and I spooned you. My arm lay around your waist, but I moved it up until your breasts rested upon it. I jiggled them, slightly, imitating the way I watched them move whenever you danced. You didn’t wake, and I recalled your father and brother’s jokes about how deeply you slept. So I cupped your breasts through your gown, teasing your nipples to pert fullness that I couldn’t see.” “Oh my Great Duck,” Mala said. “I thought I dreamed that. You turned me over, and climbed atop me, didn’t you?” “To my everlasting damnation, I did,” Vlad said. “I hiked up your gown and positioned myself against your feminine mound. I moved your gown off your shoulders to uncover your breasts. I sucked you and humped you like an animal until I found the most shameful, the most splendid release of my life. I was beyond disgusted with myself, so I got up, cleaned up, and went outside to build a fire or kindle it or something.”' He goes on to say that he afterwards fled and “signed on to crew a ship leaving for America. I needed an ocean’s distance to keep me away else i’d return and likely do something even worse.” Keep in mind, this confession is made in front of her father and brother. So they stabbed him a bunch of times, right? Or at least kicked him in the nuts. No. Oh, well, what can you do; some families are extraordinarily shitty. SHE at least stabbed him a bunch of times and then sailed off alone into the sunset with her rapist bleeding to his slow and miserable death, right? That was the happy ending the author promised? No. 'Mala watched shame and love battle in Vlad’s eyes and recognized it as the expression she’d seen there for years. She hadn’t understood it then, but she understood it and him now. ‘Twas with effort that she managed not to dance as she said, “Ask me again.”' SHE'S SO HAPPY SHE CAN BARELY HOLD STILL. He then asks her to marry him once more, her dad and brother are like, “Yay! Let’s get this gypsy wedding on the road”, they have a Romani ceremony, and then the book ends with this scene: 'Vlad drew her close for a kiss, but paused to ask, “Do you finally understand that I’ve loved you since the moment we met, that I’ve never willingly spent a second apart from you, and that I will hold you in my arms, my heart and my life until eternity ends?” Mala was crying too hard to answer, so she nodded as he took her lips with tender intent, feeding her back happy tears, flavored with a taste of forever.' In conclusion: I wish I could Chinese water torture this book. I hope hell is a place where books like this go to burn for all eternity.

#fuck you lady #i hope you read this review #and i hope you feel ashamed of yourself but obviously you're not capable of that

3 notes · View notes

cbk1000 · 6 years

Text

I just read the most profoundly disturbing thing I have ever beheld with my own two fucking eyes, and I need to rant about it. You guys can’t help me process it any better, but at least we can all join together in a mighty chorus of ‘what the ACTUAL fuck??’

This is not a funny post lamenting another weird creature/human atrocity that I delved from the darkest depths of Amazon, this is a situation where I’m putting the rest of this rant under a cut because I’m going to include large chunks of text that romanticizes child molestation.

You have been warned. Do not read on if you can’t stand that sort of content.

So, if you’ve been following this blog for a while, then you’ve seen me gleefully lampooning the batshit romances of an author called Mary Anne Graham. This is the author of pee hole fingering fame and that one time a man’s top ho killed herself using a wooden paddle she had carved into the exact likeness of his penis because he was having too much gay sex with his boyfriend and neglecting his harem. There are always anatomical oopsies galore (including a man having two different openings to his anus) and general wtfery that’s usually absolutely hysterical.

I picked up her new book on Kindle Unlimited a while back, read most of it, guffawed my way through it as usual, and then forgot about it for a bit while I read other books that understand metaphors actually have to make sense and melting eyes do not denote desperate infatuation, but rather some kind of deadly disease. I went back to it today deciding I’d push through it to the end, since my Kindle said there were only twenty minutes left to the end of the book.

What a fucking mistake that was.

This book was full of the usual hilarious dipshittery until the last few minutes, when it suddenly took the most disturbing turn I’ve ever seen. I’m going to post the synopsis so you understand the basic premise of the story, and then I’ll summarize the scene leading up to what I’m going to copy and paste, so you understand the context.

Synopsis: Russian gypsy Prince Vladimir Batalova didn’t await meeting his soul mate. He’d known her for years. She was the daughter of Tobar, the gypsy who married Vlad’s mother and saved her from her abusive marriage. Vlad’s noble father abhorred the youngest son produced by his idiotic marriage to a dirty gypsy. Tobar accepted Vlad, treating him as family, equal to his own son, Nic, and his daughter, Mala. Vlad returned Tobar’s affection and considered Nic his brother, but Mala? He’d never felt brotherly about Mala. Vlad spent years dreading the letter that would tell him of Mala’s marriage to a fine gypsy lad. Instead of a letter, he got Tobar and Nic delivering Mala to London to save her from certain ravishment. They asked Vlad to fulfill his mother’s dying wish: that Mala be brought to him to enter society and find a husband. Now, Vlad must turn the gypsy he loved into a debutante, find her a husband and have her under his roof, within touching distance. Even with the help of all his friends, the sixth sense he shared with his buddy, Boz, and some faerie magic, Vlad knew he could never find a happily ever after. His forever was forbidden unless he convinced Mala that the bond they had shared wasn’t the one they should share – and that taking each other was worth losing the family they both adored.

So, they wind up getting married under English law, everyone is happy, everything is shiny, etc., and then Mala is suddenly carried off by an unknown horseman. Vlad figures out that it’s her brother and that he’s taken her back to their encampment, so he and some of his friends hightail it over there to get her back. Turns out Mala is not willing to go because she has convinced herself that because he didn’t perform a Romani wedding with her, he means to throw her aside and vanish eventually, just like he did when she was younger (shortly after meeting one another and becoming family, he suddenly up and took off and never explained why). He says it’s because he’s a demon or some shit, and the reader is suddenly made aware that he has this deep dark secret connected to why he ran away years ago, though at no point prior to this does the narration mention that something ugly is gnawing at his conscience. (Conveniently, it explains that the secret is so terrible even he forgot about it. But then he remembers it well enough to make a very detailed confession of something that happened years ago.)

Mala tells him that she will not return with him unless he confesses this secret and she can judge whether or not he truly loves her and will be faithful to her for all time.

So he does: ‘”I swear to you that I’m no deviant. I’ve never had a sexual interest in children. Never. Well, never until you were twelve and I came to meet your Papa and attend his wedding to my mother. Mother introduced us and my heart stopped. I froze and don’t even recall if I spoke. Then you ran up to give me a hug in welcome and my most private part unfroze with a vengeance.”

He paused for breath and to give her a chance to kick him and run away--but when she did neither, he continued. “I was horrified at myself, but helpless against the force of my response. Through the ceremony I positioned myself behind a small shrub of a convenient height and vowed not to so much as look at you. Course, I couldn’t look at anyone or anything else. When the women began dancing around the couple after the vows, I watched your budding breasts jiggle when you kicked and imagined myself...,”

A noise in the background halted his words, and he jumped ahead. “That night, around the fire, Tobar gave an amazing, emotional speech, where he said that in marrying my mother, he acquired another son. My blood father hated me for existing as I was a living reminder of his unpardonable lapse of judgment in wedding a damned gypsy. Your father accepted me, Russian blood and all. I couldn’t repay his affection by lusting after my step-sister. I left that night and vowed to stay away until whatever demon that had possessed me was evicted.

He then muses over the following two months, which were apparently filled with a bunch of orgies. He begs Mala not to push him to tell her about this part, because she doesn’t need to know everything. Also, apparently becoming a ‘nude buffet centerpiece that any party guest could stroke or taste or lick or nibble’ is much worse than sexually assaulting a child that her father entrusted to you for protection after welcoming you into his family. Mala agrees not to push him on the orgy stuff, and he continues:

“I thought it possible that I’d exaggerated the event in my mind. I returned about two and a half months after we first met, vowing to treat you as a younger sister. I kept my vow until I spotted you as I rode in, strolling in an area secluded from the caravan by a stand of trees. You were flirting with a lad a couple of years older. He brushed your hair back and tilted up your chin for a kiss he never got. I leapt off my galloping stallion, stormed over and told the brash bastard that if he so much as looked at you again, I’d geld him. I was jealous as hell.”

“You were?” Mala asked. “I thought you were acting like an enraged big brother.”

“No,” Vlad said. “Hell, no. Despite my every vow and intention, my love, I have never, for a single second, felt like your brother. My obsession with you grew worse, and more obvious. Your father says he saw it and so did Nic, but neither of them had a clue how low I’d sink, how evil I’d become. I kept myself mostly under control that visit, save for a few brush ups with some of the other fellows who had dreams and intentions that I destroyed rather ruthlessly. It was my next visit when my demon overthrew my will. That’s when the true evil started.”

“That’s nonsense,” Mala said.

“No, it’s not,” Vlad said. “All I can say in my defense is that the first time was accidental. I was away from the tribe, fishing and trying to clear my head and cool my loins. I succeeded only in aggravating the fish. After I packed up my gear, I strolled in the woods for a bit. A splash and a giggle drew my attention, and I stalked to a stand of trees and dense brush and peered through. ‘Twas you, dressed only in sunlight and your golden skin. You were bathing. Your youth, my supposed honor and morality, all of it commanded me to leave and give you privacy. I didn’t. After that, every night, at every campsite, I did it again and again.”

Mala blinked. “You watched me bathe? And the other girls as well?”

“There were other girls?” Vlad asked. “There are no other girls, Mala. There are no other women.”

He steeled himself and continued. “And yes, I watched you, but I did more. I pleasured myself as I watched. I invaded your privacy and desecrated it. I reviled myself for it then and every moment since then. I ordered myself to stop but I didn’t. I couldn’t. I’d leave so I’d have to stop, but I could not stay away. Then came my worst transgression. One winter’s night, your father and brother left with the other men to scout and liberate some horses. They asked me to sleep inside the vardo with you. I tried to do the right thing and made myself a separate pallet, but you complained of the cold. It took pitifully little for me to join you in your cozy nest. You cuddled up to my back innocently, for warmth.”

Vlad paused and closed his eyes, but she made a noise of protest so he looked at her again. “My flesh felt every sweet inch of you, and I ate it up like a starving man at a banquet. Eventually, I drifted off to sleep. When I awoke, our positions had reversed. You’d turned over and I spooned you. My arm lay around your waist, but I moved it up until your breasts rested upon it. I jiggled them, slightly, imitating the way I watched them move whenever you danced. You didn’t wake, and I recalled your father and brother’s jokes about how deeply you slept. So I cupped your breasts through your gown, teasing your nipples to pert fullness that I couldn’t see.”

“Oh my Great Duck,” Mala said. “I thought I dreamed that. You turned me over, and climbed atop me, didn’t you?”

“To my everlasting damnation, I did,” Vlad said. “I hiked up your gown and positioned myself against your feminine mound. I moved your gown off your shoulders to uncover your breasts. I sucked you and humped you like an animal until I found the most shameful, the most splendid release of my life. I was beyond disgusted with myself, so I got up, cleaned up, and went outside to build a fire or kindle it or something.”

He goes on to say that he afterwards fled and “signed on to crew a ship leaving for America. I needed an ocean’s distance to keep me away else i’d return and likely do something even worse.”

So, he has just confessed that when she was a child, he took advantage of the fact that he was a trusted family member to peep on her while she was bathing and wank to the sight of it, and then sexually assaulted her while she was sleeping. This confession, btw, takes place in front of her dad and older brother. She probably is disgusted and horribly upset and they kill him with their bare hands, right?

Nope. The whole purpose of this scene was for the heroine’s insecurities to be soothed and for her to realise that the hero has wanted her and only her all along:

Mala watched shame and love battle in Vlad’s eyes and recognized it as the expression she’d seen there for years. She hadn’t understood it then, but she understood it and him now. ‘Twas with effort that she managed not to dance as she said, “Ask me again.”

He then asks her to marry him once more, her dad and brother are like, “Yay! Let’s get this gypsy wedding on the road”, they have a Romani ceremony, and then the book ends with this scene:

Vlad drew her close for a kiss, but paused to ask, “Do you finally understand that I’ve loved you since the moment we met, that I’ve never willingly spent a second apart from you, and that I will hold you in my arms, my heart and my life until eternity ends?”

Mala was crying too hard to answer, so she nodded as he took her lips with tender intent, feeding her back happy tears, flavored with a taste of forever.

I’m going to fucking DESTROY this thing in a review. I cannot fucking believe a functioning adult actually wrote this as part of a romantic happily-ever-after. This lady likes to talk about how her characters are all a ‘little batty’ because they’re just so in love and it’s all a bit tongue-in-cheek--no, you unbelievably stupid fucking asshole, they are not ‘a little batty’, they are literally child rapists. Confessing to your bride that you were obsessed with her when she was a CHILD and that you FUCKING MOLESTED HER IN HER SLEEP is not a goddamn HAPPY ENDING!!!!!!!!!!!!

#i'm fucking incensed #i don't even know how to process this #what the unholy fuck is wrong with this woman #how the fuck could you think this is romantic???#this is the book that makes fifty shades look completely well-adjusted

7 notes · View notes