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maddiebuckettebuckley · 3 years

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leaving home ain’t easy

madney, 2.7k, s5 speculation fic (sorta)

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Chimney doesn’t think he’s ever been this tired in his life. Getting used to the whole dad thing has been hard enough, and now on top of it he’s pulling extra shifts to make ends meet, and staying up all night worried about his family. The sleep he does get is frequently interrupted by wordless cries, real or imagined. The only thing getting him from one day to the next is knowing that Maddie is even more tired than him. That he needs to be strong for her, and for Jee-Yun, for the family of his own that he finally managed to build. The thought of losing either of them, in any way, for any reason, is too much to bear. So he gets up in the morning and drinks two cups of coffee and kisses his beautiful daughter and aches to see the love of his life still in so much pain. He smiles as often as he can. Tries to smile enough for both of them until Maddie can again.

And he misses her. Even when she’s right in front of them, he misses her. He would do anything to take away even a fraction of her pain. Every day he tries to, and some days are better but most days are the same. So he just misses her, and loves her, and takes care of her as much as she’ll let him. Which is not as much as he’d like.

He does his best. To keep everything and everyone together and safe. To keep smiling for Jee. And he knows Maddie is doing her best too. More often than not, he feels like he’s spinning too many plates with not enough hands and something is bound to shatter. It won’t be like this forever. Things will get better. She will get better. Sometimes, though, it’s hard to remember that.

And he’s just so goddamn tired.

The day the blackout finally ends, he gets home from one of the longest shifts of his entire life practically sleepwalking through the door. All he wants is to collapse into bed next to Maddie and fall asleep to the sound of her breathing, content with the certainty that she’s safe and within arms reach.

As soon as he walks into their bedroom to see the bed pristinely made with a crisp white sheet of paper resting on the pillowcase, an alarm bell goes off in his head. Jee isn’t in her crib. Maddie is nowhere to be seen. Dread rips through his body like an icy wind.

Chimney snatches up the note. It takes him too long to read. The words seem to spin around on the page, and the pounding of his heart is so loud he can barely hear his own thoughts.

My love,

I’m so sorry. I had to leave. I couldn’t keep hurting you and our daughter by staying. You both deserve so much better than me, and I never deserved anything as good as either of you.

Please don’t try to follow me. I promise you’ll be better off without me. I’ll be safe, just somewhere else. And you can be happy.

Jee is with Anne. Tell her I’m sorry, and I’ll miss her every day. Tell her it’s for the best.

Love forever and always,

Maddie

The paper falls from his hand, and he has Athena’s number dialed before it hits the ground.

“I’m sorry, Chimney, but we can’t file a missing person’s case in this scenario unless there’s evidence of foul play,” Athena says after he breathlessly explains the note. Her voice is strained with exhaustion. With everything she’s been through in the past week, he feels terrible asking her for help. But his chest is twisted up so much he can’t breathe and his mind is twisted up so much he can’t think and he needs to do something.

“She could hurt herself, or…” The words stick in his mouth, coated with tar. Chimney swallows. “Or worse. Athena, I can’t lose her.”

Athena sighs deeply. As exhausted as Chimney feels, he’s sure Athena is in an even worse state after everything she’s been through in the past week. “Give me a minute,” She says.

He paces around the kitchen for what seems like hours, his thoughts slipping further and further down a spiral. Every time he pulls one back up, another falls even further. He’s just about to bolt out the door and start wandering the streets of LA screaming Maddie’s name when Athena’s voice comes back through the receiver. “Bobby’s going to come pick you up and take you to the airport. You call Buck and tell him to check the train station. I’ll have my people at the station keeping an eye out for any concerning calls with someone matching her description.”

A plan. They have a plan. And he has help. He’s not alone. Chimney takes a shaky breath, “Thank you so much.”

“Well, I know how you’re feeling right now and I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy.” Athena replies.

“How is Harry doing?”

“He’s safe and home. That’s about all we can ask for.”

Chimney nods, even though he knows Athena can’t hear him. “He’ll be alright. He’s a tough kid.”

“And your Maddie is the toughest woman I know. You’ll bring her home, too.”

He thanks her again and hangs up, dialing Buck’s number as soon as the call ends. If he keeps moving forward, keeps steady with this plan, then maybe he’ll get through this. Or at least get through the next few hours.

If he stops to think, he knows he’ll drown.

“Maddie did what? ” Buck cries out.

“She left. I don’t know where she went,” Chimney reiterates, passing his hand over his eyes. “So, listen, I need you to—”

“Is she okay? Is Jee okay? When did this happen?” He hears Buck’s car keys jingling in the background, like he just picked them up.

“Buck, focus. Jee is fine, no idea about Maddie. That’s why we need to go find her. Can you head to the train station?”

“Well, what about the airport? Maybe she went back to Hershey to stay with our parents or an old friend. I could go there and—”

“Just listen for a second,” Chimney snaps, then immediately regrets it. This is Buck’s sister after all. He’s loved her even longer than Chimney has. He softens his voice. “Please. I’m scared too, but we have to work together. Me and Bobby are going to the airport, you head to the train station. Can you think of anywhere else she might go?”

“Uh, I don’t know." Buck sounds a little bit like a chastised puppy. But he stays on track this time. “I’ll call Josh on my way, see if he knows anything. My parents too, I guess.”

“Thank you,” Chimney says. His phone buzzes with a text from Bobby saying he’s outside of his apartment and he rushes out the door. “I gotta go. Let me know if you hear anything at all.”

“Yeah, of course, Chim. You too.” He pauses for a moment. “We’re gonna find her, right? We have to.”

Chimney sighs, already halfway down the stairwell. “I sure fuckin’ hope so, Buck.”

He jumps into Bobby’s car without a word, and they take off towards LAX. The tension in his jaw is starting to hurt, but he can’t relax. Any thoughts of sleep have vanished from his mind, although he knows that beneath the adrenaline the exhaustion is lying in wait.

Mrs. Lee responds to his text asking when Maddie dropped Jee-Yun off. About an hour ago. Poor thing looked dead on her feet. The two of you should let me watch this little angel more often like you used to!

If Mrs. Lee knew anything about Maddie’s plan, she would’ve called. As much as Chimney would love some encouraging words from her right now, he can’t bring himself to worry her until he has to. We’ll keep that in mind. Thanks so much!

He sends a silent prayer to who-the-hell-knows that they’re not too late. If Maddie’s caught a plane or a train, he doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to find her, let alone get her back.

“I know how much you love her, Chim,” Bobby says, his voice breaking through Chimney’s spiraling thoughts. “And I hope we find her as much as anyone. But if we can’t, it’s not your fault. Sometimes people just don’t want to be found.”

Chimney wishes he knew what to say to that. Wishes he could form a response without the threat of his voice cracking.

Bobby keeps driving and Chimney watches endless monotonous buildings blur past the window. He usually likes LA. People crack jokes about the traffic and the smog and the wannabe-celebrities. Hell, he does too. But he’s lived here for most of his life, through ups and downs, through terrible losses and his wildest dreams coming true. This city has hand-delivered him the greatest family he’s ever known.

In this moment, he’s never hated LA more.

“I can’t lose her, Bobby,” Chimney finally says. A tear spills down his cheek.

Bobby says nothing, just reaches over and places a hand on Chimney’s shoulder.

The rest of the drive goes by achingly slowly, in comfortable but heavy silence. They’ve almost reached the airport when Chimney’s phone buzzes with a text from Buck.

No sign of her at the train station. Can’t get a hold of our parents. Josh has no idea. Gonna help him call around to hospitals in the area.

The tightness in Chimney’s chest squeezes more with every word, until hospitals hits him like a semi-truck.

He can’t think about that now. He can’t. Maddie is okay. She has to be. And he’ll take her home, and get her the help she needs here, where he’s only ever a traffic-dependent number of minutes away, and he can see her every day and hold her hand and tell her how much he loves her until she finally believes it, even if he has to say it thousands of times a day for the rest of their lives.

The car hasn’t even rolled to a stop outside departures before Chimney is out the door. Bobby calls out after him something about parking but Chimney doesn’t catch it and, right now, he doesn’t really care.

When he gets inside the airport he immediately ambushes the poor, dead-eyed employee at the information desk, cutting the line of twenty protesting patrons. “When’s the next flight to Philadelphia taking off?”

A bewildered expression replacing his dead stare. He blinks at Chimney, then types something on his computer. “Uh. 30 minutes. But it’s booked.”

“Makes no difference to me. Just tell me the gate number and get me any ticket that’ll get me through security. Preferably a cheap one.”

“Sir, you can’t—”

“Listen, man. I promise you I have a good explanation. It’s a real tear-jerker of a story, too. But I really don’t have time to tell it, and it would be much easier to just sell me the ticket now and get me out of your hair.”

Five minutes later, he’s shelled out $400 for a flight to Montana that he’ll never step foot on and is schmoozing his way to the front of the security line. The words fall out of his mouth before he knows what he’s saying. My grandmother has less than a day to live, I just have to make my flight. My wife is in labor, I just have to make my flight. My kid suffered a traumatic brain injury and is finally able to play his first baseball game again, I just have to make my flight. Anything to get people to let him skip through the security line they’ve been waiting in for God knows how long. He would tell the truth, but it feels so mixed up and raw and intimate that lying comes much easier. Somehow he makes it to the front of the line and through security in less time than it usually takes him to find parking here.

And he takes off at a dead sprint through the terminal.

His heart breaks more with each step. He’s not going to make it. He has no idea if this is even the right flight. Or if she’s here at all. He’s going to lose her. Lose the best person and the best life he’s ever had. He should just let her go. It’s selfish to make her stay if it’s not what she wants.

He can’t possibly let her go. Not like this.

He runs past hundreds of people, thousands. But he knows, he knows , that none of them are Maddie. Something in him would stop him dead in his tracks. Would lead him right to her. In the blur of faces and bodies, he knows Maddie will stick out, clearer than HD.

And she does. Sitting at the otherwise empty gate for the flight to Philly with a carry-on suitcase at her feet, staring out the window at the place where the plane must have just been. Looking as beautiful as ever, but so empty and so tired that, despite the relief that floods his body, the pain in his chest remains, sharper than ever. He slows to a stop twenty feet away from the person he loves most in the world, save for the person they made together.

“Maddie.” He breathes her name, too quietly for her to hear. Disbelieving of his luck, he cautiously approaches her, like she’s a mirage that will disappear at the wrong angle.

When she finally turns and sees him, her eyes widen for a moment, her body tensing. And then her shoulders slump in defeat.

Chimney sits down in the chair next to her. What now?

“Hi,” He says simply.

He’s almost surprised when she responds. “Hi.”

“You had us worried there for a minute.” Chimney’s not sure if that’s the right thing to say. He’s not sure if there is a right thing to say.

Maddie takes a deep breath. Her eyes are puffy and red, and a tear rolls down either side of her face. “I couldn’t do it.” Chimney takes her hand in his own and nearly falls apart when she clings tightly to it. “I was trying to do the right thing. I was trying to set you free. Set you both free. But I couldn’t…” She shrugs helplessly. “I couldn’t leave.”

“Well I, for one, am damn grateful for that.” Chimney’s voice cracks halfway through the sentence. And then they’re both sobbing into each other’s shoulder in the middle of the bustling airport, and Chimney doesn’t know how it’s possible to feel so much joy and so much pain at the same time. Like at any moment his chest might burst open from the sheer force of it.

After several long minutes, Maddie’s breathing comes more evenly, and he pulls back to look her in the eye, wipes her tears with his thumb. “Let’s go home, Maddie. And in the morning, we can get you checked into that inpatient program that Dr. Bolsaro recommended. We’ll get you the help you need. Here. We need you here, and I think you need us too. It’s okay to need us.” Maddie stares at him through her tears, her expression still just as hollow. He knows she doesn’t believe him yet. But that doesn’t mean he’ll stop telling her. “We all want to help you. You’re worth every second. All of it. You’re worth everything.”

“I’m not,” She whispers. Chimney’s already fragmented heart shatters into even smaller pieces.

“I swear to you, you are. You don’t have to believe me. You just have to stay, and let us prove it to you.” He stands, and holds out his hand. He isn’t sure if she’s going to take it. But he hopes, and he hopes, and he tries to believe that the hope will be enough.

She holds his gaze. Then turns to the window, her eyes fixed on the spot on the tarmac where the plane took off to her wretched old life. The life she thinks she still deserves. The plane she didn’t get on anyway.

And then she turns back to Chimney. And she takes his hand.

#911 fox #9-1-1 #911fic #chimney han #maddie buckley #madney #I don't know how to tag anything whatever #I swear to god this has a happy ending!!! or as happy of an ending as it could possibly have #also i've never written a madney fic before and I really enjoyed it... might try it again soon we shall see #something less ouchie next time though :(#also this is gonna flop and I’ve made my peace with that

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caswlw · 3 years

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what do you want from 4b and 2b 👀👀

ok for 4b as a buddie truther ofc i want more from them. but that’s a given. honestly i want them to go for it but wait until at least 5b to like. make them official? so i’m just content with crumbs there!!! and then for madney i want newborn shenanigans like them caring for this baby while having an entire family of people who are working all the time trying to work with coordinating shifts and making sure everything works for her 🥺 i don’t want to skip the mess that’s the early baby stage !! too many shows do and i want them to be stressed !! but i want the baby to be Healthy no calls to 911 about sids or anything bc that would. break me. as for bathena i just want more from them, my emotional support parents. give bobby a storyline! in fact, give him more storylines with michael and david! dream time and dream family i literally just want to see them have fun 🥺🥺🥺 and athena i want to wrap up this issue with may working and Her working and make sure everyone is safe and happy in their jobs! for may, idk if they’re going w her going to college next season or not but i would like to know what’s happening on That front. also- more albert! we deserve it

and for LS 2b i have more specific demands- not wants- Demands. i want a mateo and carlos centric eps this season. we got A plots with marjan and paul in 2a and mateo had that tattoo thing but that was a C plot at Best. i want a mateo centric ep like the test one in s1 and in my opinion there hasn’t been a carlos centric ep at All in LS so i want one that’s about Him that doesn’t rely on a friend or relationship w any of the other characters- and preferably it wouldn’t be about his parents either since i think that’s kinda overdone! just give me an ep that’s more focused on his calls and his work and maybe it can be one where he and grace work together like they often do! it would be so good and i need it like AIR. i also need them to address the lowkey sidelining of TK on owen’s part, bc i don’t know if it’s intentional that owen basically forgot he already had a kid when he found out he was (and now isnt) having another- and TK having his mom leave again would also have an impact and i just want them to Talk about it bc i am on the fast track of not caring at all about owen and it needs fixing. i would also like to see more of the Entire 126 hanging out bc at this point in 911, we already had the feeling of family (they did know each other pre show i know this) but if tommy and nancy are like maddie and eddie in some regards, at this point in og 911 s2 they were already in the fold and tbh they are Not doing a good job of this on LS. owen is so detached from his team, judd Rarely is talking to the trio (he’s more with owen, TK, and tommy) and it really makes a divide !!! if anything, it makes the judd, owen, TK, tommy side feel like a totally different side to the trio and nancy- which Should make nancy have the best opp to be friends with marjan, paul, and mateo but they’re probably gonna have her be better friends with TK bc they work closer together :( and honestly! seeing marjan and nancy (and even tommy) bond over being a lady in the firehouse would be so sweet (kinda like hen getting accepted into the fold w athena when she joined the 118)

anyway this got really long but. i have hopes i guess!

#haha this is. so long sorry #anon

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loveistherootofhappiness · 3 years

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Day 3! I went on a journey with this one, get ready...

Written to the tone of and inspired by In Silence by Janet Suhh and I highly recommend listening while reading

TW: mentions of suicidal thoughts and suicide attempt (not graphic, but definitely goes there), dealing with mental health, self-neglect

Fandom: 911 Ship: Madney Rating: Strong T Word Count: 1523

Summary: And she was tired. Tired of the guilt. Tired of trying. Tired of failing. Tired of the viscous cycle she kept going through, putting her family through. She just wanted all of it to be over.

Day 3: “I don’t care what happens to me as long as you’re safe” + angst

Can also be read here

In silence, no one answers But I still hear your voice

It was the silence. She used to love the silence. It meant that her daughter wasn’t crying. It meant her daughter wasn’t in pain. It meant that, in that moment, maybe she wasn’t that terrible of a mother, she wasn’t doing everything wrong.

Now. Now the silence just left her alone with her thoughts and her guilt. That was the most crippling part, the guilt. No matter how hard she tried, she wasn’t getting better. And she was trying, she really was. Ever since she’d told him that she wasn’t okay, they’d immediately took all the steps to get her help. The regular therapy. The antidepressants. Even his parents stepping in to take more responsibility so she could take a break.

And it seemed to be working, for a while. Now, she feels as if she’s relapsed, back at square one. His words of encouragement, once helpful, would drown in the darkness. And she knows, she knows, had it repeated to her by her therapist, she knows that healing is not linear. But she should be further along than this by now. It’s been 5 months, when is she going to get better? Maybe she’d never really gotten past her starting point and wanted to believe everything was helping.

Or maybe she was just beyond help.

A thought that used to scare her, but she’s realized how true it was. It was the only logical explanation. Maybe she wasn’t cut out for this, motherhood, any of it. He deserved better. Their daughter deserved better.

They deserved better than her.

And she was tired. Tired of the guilt. Tired of trying. Tired of failing. Tired of the viscous cycle she kept going through, putting her family through. She just wanted all of it to be over.

And it would be soon.

She slid down the wall to the living room floor as she started to feel the effects. They empty pill bottle dropped next to her. She was calm knowing that he was more than capable of taking care of their daughter. They’d be alright. They wouldn’t have her to worry about her. They’d be free. And so would she.

As her heart rate slowed and her mind drifted further towards the darkness, she could have sworn she heard him calling her name, more like screaming it. It was okay, it would all be okay. The last thing she saw as the darkness took over was his face.

In darkness, it's getting hard Getting hard to stand

Bright, fluorescent lights assaulted her vision as she awoke. She was a bit confused at where she was and how she got there. As she sat with her thoughts, it didn’t take long for the events to come rushing back.

She was still alive.

She didn’t know how she felt about that. She wasn’t particularly sad or angry or happy or any particular emotion. Just numb, she guessed.

“Maddie!”

She turned her head to see him reaching out towards her and cradle her face, looming close. She didn’t say anything or react, just looked at him. Haggard face, mussed hair, bloodshot eyes signaling that he probably hadn’t slept in however long it had probably been. As she looked at him, the tears slid down his cheeks. Out of reflex, she reached out, but the IV in her arm and restraint wrapped around her wrist stopped her.

“You’re back.” His voice trembled as he whispered the words. With those two simple words, the gravity crashed down on her. She was back, but at what cost? She just held his gaze, not able to speak, not only because of the rawness in her throat, but what could she really say in this moment?

“We’re going to get through this, Maddie, together.” The tears just flowed.

Bare your soul to me Here I stand for you

A week long stay in the psychiatric unit of the hospital, turned into her first month back home. The weeks filled with increased therapy sessions, follow up appointments, new strategies, and plenty of conversations. Him never leaving her side through any of it. Months two and three were much of the same as a routine had developed between them. Only this time, whenever he had to leave, he made sure she wasn’t alone, a decision they’d come to together. The thoughts and fears were still there, only not as frequent, and she’d developed a habit of talking them out or journaling them on days she wasn’t particularly comfortable voicing them.

She had gained some semblance of control, the world was no longer in a constant spiral.

Month four was when she started to feel some changes. The seemingly permanent dark clouds were breaking. A true to start to getting past this. The set backs happened, especially when it came to navigating motherhood and her relationship with her daughter, but she was further from the place she began and she could work with that.

Though, she was starting to notice something. Him. She’d picked up on it over the last couple of weeks, but wanted to be sure of what she was seeing before she said anything. He denied it at first. Something she’d expected. But she kept gently pushing until....

“I don’t care what happens to me as long as you’re safe.”

There it was.

His overly exhausted body flopped down on the couch. “I,” he paused, scrubbing his hands down his face and through his hair, “I missed it the first time, it’s not happening again.”

She sighed as she sat next to him, placing a soothing hand to his shoulder as she worked to keep the guilt in check, “look at me,” his face turned toward her meeting her eyes, “there was nothing else you could have done,” she expected his response and she stopped him, “I was spiraling and was convinced it was the only solution left.”

“If I had-”

“There wasn’t a day that went by you weren’t attentive and doing what you could to help,” she knew he wasn’t convinced, but she also knew it was one of those things they’d work through with time, “and there hasn’t been now. I couldn’t ask for a better support system. But, baby, I need you to take care of yourself.”

“I am.”

“You’re not. You’re doing enough to keep yourself alive, but you’re not taking care of yourself. You’re spending so much time worrying over and taking care of us that you’re neglecting you. That’s not helping any of us,” he wanted to turn away from him and she didn’t let him, “we’re getting through this together. We take care of each other. That’s the deal,” she grabbed one of his hands linking her fingers with his and kissing the back of it, “okay?”

“Okay.”

Days will come for you, for us

It’s another month before he allowed himself to be convinced. And he was slowly getting into himself, finding the balance in this path they were navigating. Even going back to work, complete with three phone calls to check on her and their daughter. She realized she had been doing the same, going out a bit, finding a bit more comfort in bonding with and caring for their daughter. For the first time in a long time, she was feeling truly okay.

The days tick by and it took a look at the calendar, as she passed by, to realize it had been six months. To the day.

The darkness now a shadow in the distance.

In the silence, she allows the thoughts. The thoughts of where she was six months ago, a year ago. She remembers the headspace she was in, really allows herself to think about that place. The fact that she can think about it without it being triggering to her says enough. But she won’t say she’s healed or anywhere close to it. The word that feels the most correct is balanced. There’s a lot more balance where there didn’t used to feel like any.

Especially in how she feels about her relationship with her daughter.

When she hears her daughter’s cries, she’s conscious of where her reflexive thoughts are headed. She feels the self doubt and depreciation bubbling up from from the recesses of her mind. Those thoughts immediately silenced by the sound of his and her own voice encouraging her, telling her it was okay, making her feel safe.

After a couple of deep breaths, she rises and heads to the nursery. As soon as she opens the door, she sees her one year old leaning against the bars of the crib. As soon as she’s spotted, the cries turn to whimpers as little hands reach out, wanting to be held, which she is happy to oblige. She cradled her in her arms, holding her close, humming softly to soothe her.

“See, she loves you.” The words were so clear she almost thought he was there with them.

“I know,” she whispered aloud as she continued to hold her contented little girl.

In silence, no one answers But I still hear your voice ---

You made it to the end! Thanks for reading! I hope I did the portrayal of these topics the justice they deserved!

Day 1 Day 2

#madneyweek2021 #madney #chimney x maddie #maddie buckley #howard chimney han #jee-yun buckley han #911 fanfic #this one hurt #but a welcome challenge out of my comfort zone #fanfic writing hell

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