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#i feel so cringe saying that as a native english speaker. well im here to express my feelings not to be judged <3
strwbrymlkshake · 1 year
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I don't think I've ever been in a relationship this healthy before I don't know what to do 💀
#mine#🎸#DUDE my feelings are so weird like i cant even describe them cause theyre all over the place. im hoping someone sees this and sends me an#ask or something with advice if this is even gonna make sense. because i am so confused lmfao#First of all im always expecting something to go wrong so i feel like it might be the absence of Problems thats throwing me off#But he reassures me all the time and genuinely cares about me? in regards to my last post we talked about it and he comforted me#i feel like im kind of in an emotional limbo where im still processing everything. my yan moments make appearances more than my dere#i feel so cringe saying that as a native english speaker. well im here to express my feelings not to be judged <3#but i definitely FEEL the jealousy more. like i exhibit both equally but im more emotional in a bad way than a good way#but its not cause of anything hes doing at all! hes perfect?! i dont know how to handle it!! i only know how to be jealous#at least if im mean im not as likely to get hurt and thats why im afraid to feel lovey things as much??? im making myself sound like#a bastard but ive just been feeling more anxiety and getting worried about Relationship Stuff and that kills the vibes#but he doesnt even mind he doesnt treat my problems like a burden. he isnt sick of them he doesnt abandon me. he loves me and i am still so#bewildered? like. hes the nicest guy ive ever dated. ill gush about new people i meet but they do have flaws. i just dont acknowledge them#because im so blinded by idolization. but for this one ive thought everything out i have PONDERED for so long and he really is just such a#good person. how? WHY?? he has not done anything wrong and its just my mental illness that causes ALL the problems. but he wants to#BE there and comfort me. what the fuck my brain is like short circuiting. people this nice exist? he doesnt want to use me??#and ofc this is all in the romantic sense. i still have friends that i value very much but this post is focused on romance#watch me say all this then he does something horrible. <-SEE IM SO NEGATIVE i expect things to go wrong#my main problem is im confused about my feelings they feel very tangled and muddled. im happy of course but i feel like the part of me that#feels romantic happiness/genuine satisfaction is all fucked up and broken. but he doesnt mind that im this way 🥲 WHY#HE ASSURES ME EVERYTHINGS OKAY he is there for me he cares about me but i cant wrap my head around it! im. this is so weird#one of my goals is to be less focused on being insane and actually get things done. w all my relationships i have a time blur thing#where i feel like time passes differently even more than it does for me. im just thinking so much bruh#right i think i was gonna go about getting adderall because of the everything all the time. im feeling numb but also#literally every emotion all at once. and it consumes me and my waking thoughts. i guess it was easier to ignore before?
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samplingmoonsters · 2 years
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You response made me feel so wholesome! I feel so warm inside (i hope that's not weird to say) I was actually realy nervous about sending my ask.
The next chapter of man say hello sounds realy exiting! I already know it's going to be a joy to read.
You are actually the person that made me interested in reading stories that heavily feature second-hand embarrassment. I always though they were too embarrassing to read. But the feeling enhances your works.
It made me crave for more fics like yours. I don't know if you read slashes and ampersands by jirolicious but it realy reminds me for your writting! Top notch utilization of cringe
I'm sad to hear you had difficulties in the fandom. I tend to stay at the outskirts of most fandoms im in but i have heard the dsmp fandom can be an especially difficult environment.
It must be especially hard to deal with as a creator. In a fandom filled with young people that are in their first fan comunity and twitter puritans being a nsfw artist must be hell.
But your works really touched me, and I'm sure they touched others as well.
When i saw that English is not your first language under one of your fics it made me so motivated to work on my own stories. It's also my second language and i often worry that the fact I'm not a native speaker may be holding me back.
I'm the most comfortable writting in English but i worry i word things poorly. And reading your stories made me feel so secure. You write so beautifully.
Your works made me laugh, and the way you write second-hand embarrassment is so good i often have to put my phone down because i felt it so strongly.
It makes me think i can create too, and you also being a visual artist shows me i don't have to choose between the two crafts i love the most.
I hope you experience as much joy from creating as i do from experiencing your work.
Sincerely,
dust-anon
(I hope the essay long asks aren't coming off as creepy, i just have so many words in my head)
Hello dust-anon!! Sorry for the late reply! I've been busy as always haha! I read your message before going to an oral exam, it really gave me strength and confidence, and the feeling of being part of a community scattered around the world but still sharing a close kinship of some kind. Thank you again for your kind words!
Please don't worry about sounding creepy or off putting! I really value communication with my readers and I never found any of you creepy! It doesn't matter if people just ramble their ideas to me or write me a heartfelt message, I appreciate everyone's words :)
I'm happy to hear that u are looking forward to the next chapter! If it's done right, second-hand embarrassment can be weaponized perfectly to create an exciting chapter! Sadly I didn't read Jirolicious' story yet! But I will keep it in mind, and will make sure to check it out when I have the time 👏
About the whole twt drama and co... It's been somewhat annoying not gonna lie. As u said, it's the first fandom for many people and they don't know or care about the "fandom rules". I never have been in a fandom where there has been so much drama. Before this fandom I've also been more of a lurker, I'm not used to being in the spotlight like this. Kinda miss just being an unknown anon like u sometimes. But I guess I would have never met all those amazing people if I didn't have the courage to post my art and writing so I don't regret being here.
And I hope you also find the courage to post your stories or art! Create what makes you happy! There is no need to be bound to just one medium, spread your wings and try different things!
Thank you for praising my English! Yours is also very good from what I could tell through our messages :) Don't feel discouraged to write just because English is your second language!
Keep your head up and I hope we will talk again sometime! I wish you all the best! :) <3
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mightyhemsworthy · 4 years
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SWEET DREAMS ARE MADE OF THIS (John Wick X Reader)
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("TEACHER" X STUDENT COLLEGE AU)
Pairing: John Wick x Reader (AU - ish?)
Summary: John Wick lives a different life before his "retirement". He becomes a sort of vigilante, who is taking out the bad guys. His next goal is to catch a drug dealer who mainly distributes in Y/N's college. However, after meeting Y/N, not only Y/N's life turn upside down but also John's.
Word count: 8281
Warnings: ugh, so many. But it's John Wick, so... blood, swearing, college, anxiety, panic attacks, loneliness, shyness, angst, slow-burn, age gap, smut, DIRTY SMUT, fluff. 
ALSO, IM NOT A NATIVE SPEAKER OF ENGLISH SO PLEASE FORGIVE MY MISTAKES!
Author’s note: GUYS!! I've found this fanfic deep down in my-never-posted-writings and I was re-reading it when I thought, this is just utter shit, let me post that (lol), I hate myself. 😂 I was cringing at some part, but I managed to write them over, so it is a little bit bearable. I don't know if you'll like it, but I hope you do. I wanted to post something to cheer you up in this hard time. I wish the best for all of you. ♥️ The inspiration came from some many places, but mostly from "calling teachers by their first name" videos. You'll see why I got the idea from it... After that, I've given some thought about "fake" teacher John and gosh... let me tell you, it got me hot and bothered. Also inspired by 21/22 Jump Street. Please, please, leave some feedback.
P.S.: Sadly, I don't know any Italian, so thank you for Google Translation for "sponsoring" this fic lmao.
*
This was your very last year of college. More specifically, your last semester. Thank God. You could not be happier as you thought about it. Even though you enjoyed studying, you were overwhelmed with your lectures as you were a maximalist and wanted to give 100% in everything. You enjoyed learning and finding new topics but the assignments, the presentations, and the exams stressed you out incredibly. You did not apply for any further study at least at the moment as you wanted to rest a little bit and work somewhere till you find out what you really wanted to achieve in life. 
The first week went by quite easily, as the teachers mostly talked about the syllabus and what you can expect from the rest of the semester. Thankfully, everyone seemed kind of nice except your Italian teacher and his lesson, which you took up as an optional course in the first place since you wanted to earn some extra credits. Now, it seemed like a bad decision. The teacher was old, who did not enjoy his teaching at all. It was difficult to follow and boring, not to mention that he continually talked in Italian even though it was a beginner's course. When the others tried to tell him, he became mad and gave out even more assignments for next week.
So now, that you were sitting in class and waited for him the nervousness which you felt was understandable. You were chatting with one of your classmates who sat behind you. You could not say that you had any friends. You were mostly alone in your whole life, which sometimes was a curse, while other times it was a blessing. You opened up for so many people who disappointed you and let you down that this was the safest way of living your life now. Just talk to someone if necessary, otherwise living your life as you wish. Sometimes it was really depressing as there was basically no one to talk to, you could not share any interest with someone, not your desires, your goals, nothing. Even when you did, you became the focus of mockery.
Suddenly everyone became silent as most certainly, the teacher approached into the room. However, when you turned around your last week's grumpy teacher was nowhere to be found, instead of him, you meet with a totally different man. You looked straight him into the eye as you took up his presence. He was tall, he had a skinny physique but you could certainly see that he was muscular, even though the black shirt and jeans he wore covered his entire body. He had dark, semi-long hair which was slicked back, while he also had dark stubble, which was framing his face aesthetically. Now, his dark brown eyes laid on you and it was like it burned a hole into your soul. He had some characteristic which you could not explain, but you were sure that he was attractive. Very much. And exactly your type. Not to mention that he was older than you, around his mid-30s - early 40s, which you thought was the perfect age as you were always fond of older men.
"Uhm... hey everyone" he started as he finally looked away from you to gaze at the others as well. His voice sent shivers down your spine. It was deep and husky. "I'm John Wick and I'll substitute your last teacher, who became ill. He will turn up as soon as he feels like it, but we don't know when that will happen," he stated. Maybe, the previous teacher would have been better. Now, it will be really hard to focus and now you wanted to study even more just to impress him, which is sounded insane. You immediately started to curse yourself in your head because what you did was completely silly.
"I'm not by any means an Italian teacher, but I'm fluent in Italian, as I've lived in Italy and since this is a beginner's and optional course I thought I will be just as good for this short time as Y/LT/N would have been." as he finished he clapped his palms together, facing towards the desk which now became his. "Firstly, let's start with an introduction and what your goals are, and from that on we can move with the rest of the lecture," he said and turned and pointed towards you. This gesture was unexpected for you and you immediately felt that your cheeks burned up as you tried to collect yourself. You were a great student but you were dealing with anxiety when you had to speak in front of others. Your mind and desires were totally different that you could actually manage out from yourself, and this was true in every situation.
"Uhm..." you started as you cleared your throat. "I'm Y/N and I'm a final year student here. To be honest, I don't really have many goals at the moment, because..." the way he was looking at you completely took your breath away. It was like he sees all of your secrets. "...I want to take a little bit of break from studying after I've finished. I want to work somewhere, see the word. Just those cliché things that usually everyone says." he started to chuckle and honestly, it was the best thing ever.
"Thank you, Y/N" the way your name rolled out of his tongue was beautiful. "I hope everything turns out great for you and one day you even get to Italy as well." he smiled and turned to the next person, so the magic moment you felt completely disappeared within a second. He was just nice. With everyone. He listened to everyone's word with actual interest and wished something friendly before turning to the next person. How could you think that he sees something different in you?
The course actually ended sooner than you would expect, the time flew with him. He gave you a short assignment for next week, collecting all those things you would like to talk about in Italian. On your way out you glazed at him once more, however, his eyes were glued to the paper in front of him. You left out a soft sigh as you left the room.
*
This was the first time in your college years that you really waited for a lecture but at the same time, you also dreaded from it. You could not wait to meet John again or you could say Mr. Wick, but this just fueled your fantasy about him even more. You were sitting in the front row with your classmates, whom you talked about your new teacher. They were eagerly fond of him, but not as you did. Even though they find him attractive, he was just a teacher for them. However, for you, he started to become something else. You could feel something different from him and you thought that he should not be a teacher because it was just not his field. Not that he was a bad teacher or anything, but he was not that teacher type that you could imagine. You felt something which you could not explain. You were always a curious person, and this case was like a puzzle that needed to be solved.
"Buona sera a tutti! (Good evening, everyone!)" he greeted, his eyes lingering on you. You did not want to look away, so the two of your's gaze intertwined with each other for a few seconds. You managed to smile a little bit, but at that same time, he turned away. He was just as good looking as the last time, wearing a light grey t-shirt, regular jeans, and a leather jacket. How could he be this handsome?
"Okay, let's go through those things which you like to learn about, and then we can build the lecture from there." everyone nodded as he said it, preparing their notes on what they would be interested in learning in this course. Your eyes were glued on your paper, your head tilted down trying to avoid eye contact with him when you heard your name.
"Y/N" he stated. "Let's start with you just like last time." you were quite shocked. Nobody managed to remember their students' names in the first weeks. Hell, sometimes not even at the end of the semester either. You looked up at him, seeing his face focusing on you, slightly furrowing his eyebrows in concentration.
"Ordering food..." you breathed out and you started to blame yourself immediately.
"Ordering food in Italian in a restaurant?" he helped you out, stating as it was a declarative sentence, but he shifted the tone in the end. You were grateful for his help. You nodded and he returned a smile to ease your frustration. "Nice, good idea," he said. "Let's move on."
*
The first months of the semester went by rapidly. The first two weeks was just a warm-up, but after that assignments came after assignments as so did exams and such. You could not fantasize about Mr. Wick anymore in your free time as you were loaded with anxiety to finish every task just in time. However, you always waited for the class, even though your mind wandered somewhere else. Thankfully, about two weeks spring break will come.
"You can handle your assignments on your way out. That's the end of the class. Thank you everyone." he said and at that point, you realized that you completely forgot about your essay which you should have written for today. You thought that is due next week. Well, fuck. Basically, everyone handled in their assignment, as you approached John you became very nervous. You did not really know what to say.
"Jonathan" the words fell out of your lips without thinking. You realized that what you said was rude and you just tried to make the situation better, even though your teacher's expression did not change. "John... I mean Mr. Wick." you cursed yourself, trying to get out of the situation somehow.
"Yes, Y/N?" he asked, as he was looking down at you. He was so much taller than you, the way he looked consumed your whole being.
"I'm so sorry but I forgot to write my essay for this week. I thought it was due to next week. I'm sorry." you jabbered, looking at your feet to ease your nervousness.
"It's okay, Y/N," he said calmly. "You can handle it next week as well." when you looked up at him he was slightly smiling. That damn smirk made butterflies in your stomach, causing your heart rate to quicken.
"Really?" you asked back. "No punishments?" without thinking, the question just rolled out of your tongue.
He turned his head a little bit, trying to hide his ever-growing smile.
"Would you like to?" you started to blush at his deep voice, thinking about something inappropriate when he clearly was just talking about the assignment.
"No..." you answered. "Not for an essay, no." you just started to make everything worse. You wished that the ground would swallow you on the spot.
"Periodt then," he said to ease the tension a little bit. "Or whatever slang you use these days." You genuinely started to laugh, and it was really good after a long time. Nobody made you laugh these days and it was really nice to talk to someone besides listening to lectures all the time.
"Wow, I'm impressed" it was just absurd to hear this word from his mouth. But you really felt this way.
"My goal is accomplished than" was all he answered. Was he flirting with you? You just wished that. But the whole situation was just weird. Just the way you felt like before. He is not in the right place, something is off with him. You learned these few signals over the years just to protect yourself, still, something keeps attracted you to him.
"I'll try to write it as soon as I can and bring you in your office hours." you smiled shyly.
"It's okay, Y/N, don't worry about it" he smiled back and that smile made you go crazy. You turned your back to him to leave the room. You were standing in the door when you suddenly turned back towards him once again. He was still watching you.
"Thank you, Mr. Wick," you said, waiting for no answer when he said:
"You can call me Jonathan or John. Whichever you like." you were just standing there, completely in shock. This never happened to you before. None of your previous teachers of yours allowed to call them on their first name. To be honest, you did not even try but with John, it just slipped out. You did not know what to say so you just nodded, leaving him standing there watching after you.
*
The rest of the week was awful. You could not wait for the weekend when you could rest a little bit. You were extremely overwhelmed with work and it seemed that nothing wants to work out for you. It was Friday morning, thankfully you did not have any classes left so you finally could work on your assignment for Mr. Wick. You meant, Jonathan. Thinking about him and the way he said that you can call him on his first name made your heart beat faster. Since that day you could not stop thinking about him, which is why everything became harder than it should have been.
It was around 11 in the morning, but you already did a lot of work. You went to the store, then you cooked something for you for the weekend, you cleaned the house as well as doing the laundry. Your roommate was not home, as usual. Since she got that boyfriend of hers, they always spent the time together. At least, you were alone and nobody could bother you. You always did the house chores anyway, as she not usually cleaned up. After everything fallen from your hands and you basically had to clean up twice, the last task was taking out the trash. You somehow managed to take all of her and your trash into three bags. You were already on your way out when you realized that something from one of the bags was leaking. You started to become really angry and mad. At the edge of crying and breaking something, to say the least. You tried to hold back yourself together, taking a deep breath and hoping that the bag will hold on till you reached the bin in front of the street. As it was mentioned before, this was not your day.
Half of the stuff fallen on the ground just when you dumped the rest of it into the trash.
"FUCK" you cried out, hitting the top of the trash and also kicking into it to release those pressure which started to build up in you.
"Y/N" you heard a deep voice behind you. When you turned around you realized that John was there. Who probably watched the previous scene when you freaked out. What was he doing here? "You need any help?"
"Mr. Wick" you started but he interrupted you.
"John."
"Yes, John." you started. "This isn't my day. Could you please wait here as I get another bag?" you asked. You could just said that everything was fine and he could go on his day. But no. Because you did not want him to leave, even though you had no idea what was he doing here.
"Don't worry, I got some," he said while reaching for a plastic bag from his pockets. You lifted your eyebrow while he handed one to you as well as ripping one for himself. "I have a dog, so..." he said, while the two of you collected the rest of the trash. Well, this was not romantic at all. Your cheeks started to burn as you felt the situation kind of humiliating.
"What kind of dog you have?" you asked, trying to pick up the stuff as fast as you could.
"A blue English Staffordshire Bull Terrier" he breathed out when the two of you finally dumped away the rest of the trash.
"Oh, those are really nice dogs even though everyone seems to be afraid of them" you started the conversation and you could swear that his eyes lit up at your compliment.
"Oh, totally. They are super nice when they are raised well," he said smiling. "There are no bad dogs just bad owners." you just nodded, did not know what to say. A few seconds passed by just looking at each other, none of you said anything or moved.
"I should get..." he started, but at the same time, you started as well.
"Would you like a coffee or something in return?" you asked.
"Yeah, sure" he breathed but turned away from you to his car. Which you only realized just now. "Can I park here?" he asked as he gesticulated towards his Mustang. Your jaw just dropped.
"Wow. She's beautiful," you said coming closer to his car. You did not realize what you did until you actually did it. You reached out to touch the roof and at the same time approach John incredibly close. You just recognized that you did not answer his previous question. "And yes, I think you can park here but I'm not sure though."
He said nothing, just looking at you and monitoring every movement you made. He appreciated how your eyes were shining with excitement. Your fingertips which caressed his car so gently. Your hair, which slightly fallen into your face, framing it beautifully. You took his breath away.
"Would you like to try it out?" you did not really comprehend his question, as you were still focusing on his car. When the question finally hit you, you turned towards him with furrowed eyebrows.
"Is this allowed?" you asked. At this moment you wanted nothing more than him taking you out for a ride.
"Why wouldn't be allowed?" he asked back, kind of confused.
"Because you're my teacher." you simply answered back. At that moment you could swear that the smile frozen to his lips, like the reality hit him or something. Something was off. Just like you suspected before. "If you're a teacher at all," you added carefully.
"Who else would I be?" the confidence which was radiating from him started to slowly fade away. He was nervous, you could see that.
"I don't know, you just not seem to be a teacher type of guy." you started. "You don't look like it... and, surely, teachers cannot afford cars like this." you pointed towards his engine. In that second, he moved closer to you, which is why the air stuck in your throat. You looked up at him, his eyes were dark with some emotion which you could not read. You have not seen this side of him yet.
"Maybe, I got it as a gift" his voice comes through your fast heartbeat which was throbbing in your ear.
"I doubt it" you had no idea where this bravery was coming from, even you were surprised. Before he could manage to say something his phone started to ring. He pulled away from you to answer it.
"I'll be there," he said shortly, hanging up the phone. "Sorry, Y/N. I have to go." he was fast. Before you could realize he already got into his car. "Maybe next time," he added, and before you could realize he was already on his way leaving you on the sidewalk alone.
*
The next time you meet him was after his Italian class. You did not attend class, but you managed to arrive at the end of the session to give your essay to him. He was looking good as always, wearing dark clothes highlighting every muscle on his bare skin which was not covered.
"I'm sorry John that I couldn't come for today's class, but I had some family issues" you breathed out which was kind of true. You had family issues, anxiety issues, university issues, and just issues of issues. On top of that, you got a lot of anxiety attacks lately, which did not help you at all. Your hands were shaking as you handed your essay to him. "I know I said that I can manage to finish earlier but I couldn't," you added and he did not say a word. He did not even look at you as he took away the essay. You were heartbroken.
As he did not say anything else you just left the room completely taken aback, trying to suppress the tears which you could feel that going to burst out. When you arrived in the hallway, it was harder and harder to suppress it. You quickly went to the bathroom and when you closed the door behind you everything just came out. All of those tensions were building inside up you. Those feelings which constantly taken up your mind. That you're never good enough, that you have no one to rely on, not even a friend, not family. Nobody. You had nothing and no one. Besides that, you were constantly under stress because of the university. You wanted to perform as the best version of yourself, but you just could not hold back anymore.
After the tears came out and your breathing became a little bit better you went to the basin to wash your face with cold water and to make yourself a little bit more presentable as you still had class. You took a deep breath and got out to the next lesson. Everyone was waiting at the door as the room was not open yet. At this moment, one of your classmates who was kind of nice to you touched your arm.
"Hey, Y/N" she started. "Are you okay?" she asked.
Even though you appreciated her question, you did not know what to say.
"Yeah, sure. Why?" you lied, but it was enough for her to completely change the topic.
"Will you come to the party next week?"
"I don't know" you started. "I haven't really thought about it." as soon as you finished one of the other classmates of yours spoken up.
"She doesn't know because he is waiting for John. I mean, Mr. Wick," he said, bursting out into laughter. You did not know how he found out but your cheeks started to burn up.
"What did you just say?" you asked back, almost shouting at him when you heard the others whispering.
"Oh shit, here he comes," said one of them. When you turned back John was standing next to you. You were sure that he heard the whole conversation. When he looked at you his eyes stuck at your red ones. You were sure that he knew that you were crying. Even though the cold water helped, you still looked like a mess.
"Is there a problem?" he asked using his deep, "discipline" teacher voice. His voice was dangerously low, which sent a shiver down your spine and a feeling to your core which you tried not to think about.
"Not at all" smiled back the douchebag who started everything in the first place. John lightly grabbed your arm, turning his whole body towards you.
"Y/N, can we talk?" he whispered, but the others still managed to figure out the situation. As you answered, they started to chuckle, but at that point, you could not care less as John guided towards his office.
When there were just the two of you, he looked at you with concern on his face.
"Is everything all right, Y/N?" he asked but you just could not look at him. Your eyes were fixated on your shoes. Why would he care? He did not even look at you half an hour ago. You did not answer. You did not know what to say. He was your teacher. You could not tell him your problems even though you wanted to. "Y/N?" he asked again.
This time you looked up at him. His arms were crossed in front of his chest, waiting for your answer.
"I'm fine, thank you, Mr. Wick" you stressed his last name. A sudden expression went through his face which you could not read. "Why would you care, you're just a teacher anyway," you said without thinking of the consequences as you stormed out of his office.  
*
The last week before spring break went quite quickly even though you felt like a zombie. You did not attend your class with John, even though you desperately wanted to. You just skipped that class, while you were attending the others. You were hiding in the hallway, trying to avoid anyone. Just arriving at the beginning of the course and coming out as soon as you could. In this way, you could survive university. Now, thankfully you had a free week when you could charge up your battery and just rest a little. Your mind wandered at the party which your classmate mentioned to you, wondering if John would be there. A few teachers had to be there, because it was a university party and they were still responsible for you somehow.
You really wanted to go. To dance, to drink and to forget all of your problems.
That is why you were standing in front of your mirror trying to soothe imaginary creases on your black dress. You kept finding mistakes on yourself, about your makeup, about your hair. But at the same time, you kept reminding yourself that this is just a party and the main goal is that you should enjoy the night without constantly thinking bullshit about yourself.
This is what you kept saying in your head on your way to the party. The place was already buzzing with music and people's voices, radiating a certain kind of heat as well. As you step inside, you were already washed away by the crowd, seeing people who you never saw before.
As you looked around you saw a giant plaque that said that it was a retro vs. modern age night. All night, songs from the 80/90s were played, after that came a piece of current music and the whole mass went insane. Everybody moved as a whole in perfect sync swaying to the rhythm of the music. Sadly, you could see that a lot of people were high and drunk, which you could never do, but you still wanted to dance. You just started to move your body alone, when your all-time a favorite song started to play from the speakers.
Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
I travel the world
And the seven seas,
Everybody's looking for something
At that point, your eyes stuck at a dark figure which you could recognize even in your dreams. John Wick was standing there, looking at you. He was wearing a full black suit with his hair slicked back. You were constantly gazing at him. Even though you wanted him to be here the whole situation was absurd and unbelievable. However, he still managed to surprise you all the time.
Some of them want to use you
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
Some of them want to be abused.
Looking at him and listening to these lines hit you. Hit you really hard. As you looked at him, all of your desires and hidden fantasies started to take over your body. Your nasty hidden feelings. All of those things which you could never share with anyone. You wanted to be used, you wanted to be abused. But you wanted these in a good way. You wanted this as a thing, where the two of you want this not just you. You wanted to be safe, you wanted to feel appreciated, you wanted to feel special, you wanted to be WANTED. You wanted a man, who makes you feel things you never felt before. Who does things to you and touches you like you never experienced before. Maybe, just the daddy issues were speaking from you but looking at John you could feel that he could fulfill all of your wishes and desires. Not to mention that he would be there for you as a friend, as a lover, even as a soulmate. And as someone, who just genuinely cares about you. At least, you hoped so. But it could never happen because he was just a teacher and you were just a silly student.
However, the way he was looking at you consumed your whole being. You did not know what happened to you but you started to sensually move your hips, turning your back to him to kind of show him what he can get.
After a few seconds, you felt a muscular, hard chest pushing against your body.
"Mind if I join?" a deep voice asked and you could recognize this tone everywhere. You did not even answer as you did not have to. You just turned back towards him, getting as close as possible. He was even more handsome up close, taking your breath away.
"Is this allowed?" you shouted, but it sounded like a whisper in the crowd.
He pulled you closer to him, resting his hands on your waist and tilting his head down to bury his face into your hair.
"I don't even care anymore" he answered, his breath caressing your ear as well as the side of your neck. This sent a shiver down your spine, causing your thighs to rub together to ease the sensation which was building in your core deep down. He could feel that your body tense up between his palms, but he kept you steady with his strong and firm hands.
"What does that mean?" he looked up at you, with some expression on your face which you could not read. He wanted to tell you something, you could see that but something changed as he looked at your side.
"Stay here," he said and suddenly his touch disappeared causing you to shiver as he was not there anymore.
You could barely react, but you still managed to see where he went to. Without thinking, you started to follow him.
 You looked at him everywhere when you find him outside the field of the campus. To be honest, you could barely see him but you could hear him grunting and... fighting? He was the last man standing with someone else, besides them, there were laying bodies. You could never dream of being a situation like this. You did not know what to do. You were completely frozen and could not move. Your panic started to take over your mind and you could barely manage your breathing.
"John" suddenly you cried out. He immediately looked at you, which the opponent took as a chance and hit him right in the gut. He sunk into his knees, while the other man started to approach you.
"Y/N run," he said but you could not even lift your finger. You could see as the other man was getting closer and closer to you when John grabbed him from behind and started to choke him. The other man started to run out of the air and suddenly collapsed into John's arms. John did not even think twice, he dropped the enemy onto the ground. Before you could realize, John grabbed your arm, dragging you across the field into the parking lot where you saw his car.
"Get in the car!" he ushered you, but you could barely move. You were completely frozen which was insane thinking that your body was on fire just a few minutes ago.
"Why?" you managed to push this word out of you when he started to yell.
"Get in the fucking car!" he said and that predatory look on his face with some bruises and blood made him look like a totally different person. You got in the car, slowly breathing out that air that you did not know you were holding. He started the engine and drive at a very high speed toward somewhere which you could not recognize.
"Where are you taking me?" your throat was dry. It was hard to speak, but this was the only sentence which you dared to ask after minutes.
"Home. To me," he answered shortly.
"Why?" you whispered but he could hear it. After minutes, you finally looked at him. He was holding the wheel so damn strong that his knuckles went white. He was angry, you could see that. His whole expression changed as he was not looking at you, just fixating his eyes on the road.
"Because you fucking messed up your goddamn life" to hear him swearing made you sense that you are truly in deep trouble.
"What did I do?" you asked softly and suddenly all of his muscles started to loosen up at your tone.
"I was taking out a gang when you just showed up, risking your whole life just to look after me." he started.
"So you..." you started softly as you could feel that the ice between the two of you started to melt. "You're not a teacher." was all you managed to say.
"God no," he answered, and before you could realize you started to laugh. It came from the bottom of your heart. He looked at you the first time, furrowing his brows. "It's not funny, Y/N.," he said and before you could stop yourself the following words just slip out of your mouth:
"Thank God, 'cause ever since I saw you I've kept telling myself that I can't fall for a teacher" as soon as you said it your cheek started to burn. He looked at you with piercing eyes.
"I'm not a teacher, but I'm way worse," he said in a dangerously low voice. And thinking back to those guys around him finally hit you.
"Who are you?" you whispered. He looked back at the road as he could not bear to see your expression when he told you the truth.
"I'm a ..." he started, but he did not want to say assassin. Because that was just too much the handle. "I'm the one who takes out the bad guys." you nodded, did not know what to do with this information. You have always known that there is something wrong with him, but you could not explain why. Now, this was the reason and you wished that you did not know. Still, you fell for him even more.
"Did you kill them?" you asked.
"No." he answered back. "I didn't have my gun." suddenly you felt that breathing becomes heavier.
"Have you killed someone?" you barely dared to ask this question but the heavy silence which felt on you told more than words.
 You did not say a word until he finally stopped at his garage. His house was beautiful, so big that it was unbelievable that it only belonged to him.
"Wow..." you whispered and he smiled.
"Y/N" he started and you turned towards him. "I'm sorry that I disappointed you. I just wanted to protect you. You'll stay here until I finish this business and make sure that no one harms you. After that, you're free to go." you did not know what to say. You wanted to say something, but you could not. Your mind wandered somewhere else, constantly thinking about what the two of you talked about in the car. You told him about your feelings and he did not even say anything. "I have a room for you here," he said and ushered you to a room, leaving you alone.
*
You could barely get some sleep. Your mind was constantly thinking about John and his life. How dangerously he lived and how he managed to keep his camouflage at the university. Honestly, you even cried that night as well. You did not know what to do and how to react, even though you wanted him. Your mind could not be silenced after you saw him in action and what he did you still thought about his arms, his hands, and his body as he pulled you closer to him at the party. Not to mention that you felt his goddamn intoxicating perfume in his whole house as well as in the sheets.
After being up all evening, you woke up late in the afternoon. It was already 5 when you looked at the clock on the nightstand on your left. You left out a sigh, focusing on sounds. But you could not hear any. You slowly got up and opened to the door.
“John?” you cried out but no answers came. Instead of that, you heard something which was running towards you. Then you saw John’s dog. “Oh my God, you’re so cute” you kneeled to the ground to pet the dog which was in its early months. It was still small, but you could see the strong, robust figure which started to form underneath its skin. “Where were you last night?” you asked as if the dog could answer you. However, after petting and talking to it all of your stress and doubts left the mind.
You went to the kitchen, where on the counter you found a note. It was written by John and he had beautiful handwriting.
“Make yourself at home.” was all it said. Straightforward. Just like John.
 After taking a shower and finding a long t-shirt in John’s wardrobe you finally sat down onto the sofa when the front door opened. John came in, the dog immediately cheered him licking and panting all over him. You watched the scene with a smile on your face. After John returned the same excitement as the dog, he finally looked at you. You were wearing one of his t-shirts. And that was it.
“What are you wearing?” he demanded. You stood up immediately, trying to explain yourself.
“You said that make yourself at home, so I’ve showered and searched for something to wear because the dress was really uncomfortable,” you said quickly. John left out a soft “oh” as he could have thought about this in the first place. Even though he did not want to admit, but he really liked the way it looked on you.
“Everything is clear now,” he stated simply. “I’m taking you home. Are you ready?” he asked and you were just standing there as if your legs got stuck into the ground.
“You don’t want to talk about it?” you started carefully, hinting to your previous unfinished conversation last night as well how he “cleared everything up”.
“No.” was all he said which felt like ripping and turning up your insides. You just nodded, turning away to suppress all of your emotions. That’s it. All of your fantasies about this man ended. He did not want to do anything with you. This was just business after all. And he finished it.
“I’m grabbing my stuff” you whispered, your throat was dry you could barely speak.
 After collecting your dress and purse you were standing in front of him again. “Take me home,” you said firmly when his form started to loosen up.
“Y/N” he followed you as you were heading into the garage. His beautiful car was there, standing next to another one.
“Just take me home.” was all you said before he grabbed your wrist, pulling back to him and pushing his lips against yours. The kiss was not a soft one. It was passionate and hard. It took a few milliseconds to react, but gosh… it was desperate. From the two of you. Teeth clicked, tongues rolled against each other as the two of you started to express which words could not. He was cupping one of your cheeks, pushing you closer to him as much as he could. Your hands started to explore his body, caressing the soft material of his suit. You could feel as he started to harden beneath your touch, basically… everywhere. Just like in a second, which made you even more insane. He wanted you so much, he could barely hold himself back. He was rucking up your shirt with his other hand, grabbing your waist strongly which sent goosebumps all over your body. His touch was just like you imagined. No… it was even better. It took a side of you which you did not even know you had.
You could feel that you started to wet your panties even though he did not even touch you there yet. He was now kissing you a little bit softer but still passionately, sucking your bottom lip into his mouth. You started to moan as it did whole new sensations to your body which you never experienced before. He lifted you up from the ground before you could realize, to make you sit on the hood of his car. At that exact moment, you hooked your legs around his legs, pulling him closer to you. It was insane how the two of you moved in sync. It was like a perfect dance and choreography, even though you have not done this before to the other. But still, it was like you found a long lost piece from yourself. And he felt the same. The two of you did not stop kissing until his hands reached up to your neck, softly squeezing it to make out a moan from you which you could not even stop. John immediately stopped looking at you with concern on his face.
“Did I hurt you?” he asked softly looking at your neck if he caused any injuries. He did not even know what he has done until you moaned.
“Gosh no,” you started to laugh and blush. “It just… felt really good.” his eyes lit up with lust. It became even darker than it already was. He was looking at you, constantly holding his gaze when he reached again to your neck. He squeezed it a little bit harder this time, but it was even better. Your eyes rolled back as your core started to throb with desire.
“Fuck, Y/N” he breathed at the sight. “You’re making me insane.” was all he said before sinking to his knees. He pulled you closer to him, making you lay on the edge of his car. He looked so good kneeling between your thighs. And he looked even better when he started to stroke your clit through your underwear. He sharply sucked the air just by the sight of it.
You were laying on his car in your black lace panties. This was even better than he could ever dream for. He was holding himself back, but he was about to burst out.
“You look so good,” he said as he pushed your panties to the side to insert one finger slowly into you. You laid back all the way on his car as he started to finger your inside with one hand and your clit with his other one. You bite your lip to hold your moans back, but it was a really difficult thing to do. As he was so freaking good with his hand. You could barely hold yourself back when suddenly he pulled his finger out of you. Before you could realize, your panties were on the floor, and John grabbed your thighs to draw you closer to him. Now, he used his tongue instead of his fingers to play with your wetness, causing you to arch your back pushing your backside closer to his face. He grabbed your ass firmly with his hands, he wanted to control and drive you insane. He could not let you chase for your own pleasure. He wanted to make your pleasure. He wanted to make you lose your mind. He wanted you to scream his name.
He was flicking his tongue, constantly changing position between your clit and inside thing, delving his tongue deeper and deeper. You were moaning, making sounds, saying his name with some curse words as well. You were right. He truly made you feel things that you never felt before.
Suddenly, your most intense orgasm ever washed over you out of nothing, clenching all over John’s hands and tongue as he was still fucking you mercilessly with it to help over your after wave. Your hands were still grabbing his hair, rocking your hips against his face.
“Jonathan,” you said after a few seconds when he stood up, looking at you laying on his car finally satisfied. You sit up to push a soft kiss against his lips, which on you could feel your juices. Which caused you to be even hornier. As it was possible.
“I love when you say my name” he chuckled which made your stomach flop from happiness. “That is why I can’t wait to hear you screaming it,” he added with a dangerously low voice.
“Can I ask you something, Jonathan?” you said carefully, pulling him closer to you.
“Anything, doll” he answered.
“Then, fuck me” you whispered shyly. You did not know where this bravery was from, but John truly made you feel things that you never felt before.
“You don’t even have to ask,” he said as you started to undress him. His expensive suit and tie dropped onto the floor and the same time he removed the t-shirt and bra which you were still wearing as well.
He took your whole body in and admired every sight of it.
“You’re beautiful,” he said before pressing another urgent kiss to your lips. He grabbed your hair, making you moan into his mouth at how good all of this felt. At that exact moment, he thrust into you and your whole world rocked. He stretched you all the way up, cause you to cry out his name louder than you anticipated.
“Tell me if it hurts” he added and you couldn’t form a single word because the pleasure mixed with all the pain, caused to build your second orgasm and he was restlessly fucking you. You were a moaning mess, so is he. He was grunting and cursing as the two of you started to reach climax.
“Ah, fuck-“you cried out as your walls started to clench. “Let me cum, Mr. Wick” you added and you could actually feel that Jonathan is twitching inside of you. He suddenly stopped and grabbed your neck, ushering you to look at him.
“Say that again,” he demanded.
“Which part?” you asked shyly, thinking that it was a mistake and you’ve ruined everything.
“All of it.”
“Let me cum, Mr. Wick,” you looked straight into his eyes when you said it. The fact that you’re biting your bottom lip didn’t help him at all.
“Gosh…” he huffed and continued to mercilessly pound into you, deeper and deeper each time. You were overwhelmed with the new sensations and your whole-body shake, when the second, but most intense orgasm of the night hit you. John was approaching his own climax as well, every thrust of his became a little bit sloppier and out of pace. He kissed you so softly, when he reached his own pleasure, moaning into your mouth which sent a vibration down to your body. You tensed your legs around his waist, taking him in more while lying down on the top of his car.
“I’m sorry we made a mess,” you whispered and he started to chuckle.
“Don’t worry about that, especially that we’re only getting started,” he said in a dangerously low voice. And oh boy, he was right…
*
This is it. It was the end of suffering. End of your university years. As for now. You couldn’t be happier as you’ve left the building and saw a beautiful mustang parked on the driveway. It was from John Wick. You were quite surprised as he said that he has to leave the town for some… business. You didn’t expect him to be back this soon. Now, you’re smile grew even bigger.
“Here is my graduated girl,” he smiled at you and pressed a soft, loving kiss to your lips when you got next to him. You gave him a half-hug in this position, laughing into his shoulders.
“I did it.”
“Yes, you did,” he said, looking straight into your eyes now. He took out an envelope from his jacket. “I brought you this,” he said softly, and you were surprised.
“John, you shouldn’t…” but he cut you off.
“Just open it!” and you did. You carefully ripped off the edges taking out two flight tickets to Italy. Tears started to gather in your eyes.
“John…” you started but you didn’t even know how to begin. He also became emotional, as he looked at you.
“At our first Italian class, you’ve said that you want to see the world. I hope this will be a good start.” you didn’t know how you got a man like John, but it was more than you deserved.
“I love you, John,” you breathed out and this was the first time you’ve actually said this. He looked at you and his whole expression changed, suddenly his body tensed up. You suddenly became afraid that you said something wrong. Maybe it was too soon. Maybe…
“I love you too, Y/N,” he said finally and he pressed a kiss into your lips which told more than words. This was just the beginning. The very beginning of your life and also the adventure, which you continued with John Wick till the very end.
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girlcrushchaeng · 7 years
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Pastel pink — 2YEON
Title: Pastel pink Pairing: 2YEON [Im Nayeon/Yoo Jeongyeon] Fandom: TWICE Genre: Romance, drama, fluff Summary:  Having a crush is hard, but having your crush not notice you is even harder. Im Nayeon, specialized in flirting, somehow couldn't get attention of the girl who had long ago stolen her heart. Day after day she tries to get Jeongyeon's attention but everytime she gets rejected. After a while, all of her bottled up frustrations lead to a fight that resulted into a drastic change in their relationship. Both girls are shaken with their feelings after a heated kiss... Word count: 5000 Rating: T A/N: Excuse the grammar mistakes, I am not a native english speaker.
Read it on: AO3 & asianfanfics
“Oh my God, Yoo Jeongyeon, you’re unbelievable!” Angrily, Nayeon stamped out of the room, her hands clenched in fists. Jeongyeon, helpless as usual, looked her best friend walk away in rage. Momo gave her a quick nudge to go after her and she did, albeit with a sigh. It had gotten awkwardly silent between the remaining eight girls, none of them exactly knowing what had caused the eldest’s outburst. Jeongyeon stood up, her cheeks reddening slightly, as seven pairs of eyes poked in her back. She walked after Nayeon, who had slammed the door to her bedroom shut with a loud bang. A part of her wondered if it wasn’t just safer to just stay outside... With another sigh, she opened the door, finding Nayeon laying in her bed, her knees pulled up to her belly and her arms wrapped around them. For a split second, Jeongyeon reckoned she was crying, but as soon as she lifted her head, she was proved wrong. Nayeon stared at angrily at her. She closed the door and shut it carefully. Of course, the rest of the girls would be closely listening, but it made her feel a bit more secure. At the same time: she was now trapped in a room with her best friend who almost looked at her loathingly. Nayeon had never looked at her like that and the fact that she didn’t even know what she had done wrong was even more confusing to her. “Honestly, Nayeon, I have no clue what’s going on-” she started, hoping to ease her friend a bit – perhaps, if she could explain what this was about, they could work it out. That backfired hard when Nayeon got up and looked with eyes burning of fury. “Exactly, you never have an idea about what’s going on,” she hissed. Jeongyeon frowned. “I’m trying to make it up to you here, but if I don’t know what I did wrong then I don’t know what to do,” she tried. Nayeon turned around with an annoyed huff and crossed her arms in front of her chest. Jeongyeon let out a sigh. “You’re pretty hard to please, you know,” she eventually added with a chuckle, trying to lighten the mood... Let’s just say that Jeongyeon wasn’t the best when it came to communicating. Nayeon turned around, her eyes filled with fire, and strode towards her with three steps so quick that Jeongyeon had no time to respond. Before she knew what was happening, Nayeon stood only half a meter away, pointing at her chest with a finger that shook of anger. In fear, she stepped backwards, but Nayeon simply closed the gap by walking forwards until Jeongyeon’s back hit the wall. “I am hard to please? Are you kidding me?” she yelled. “Ssssh, the others-” “I don’t fucking care! I am not hard to please, Yoo Jeongyeon! You’re just incapable of noticing things!” she went on, causing Jeongyeon to cringe at the loudness of her voice. “Do you honestly have no idea what I’m talking about? Literally, none?” Jeongyeon opened her mouth to object, but she closed it again. She indeed had no idea what Nayeon was going on about. And normally, that would be very surprising. Nayeon was her best friend and she could read her like a book. At least, the bigger lines. Whatever Nayeon was upset about right now had probably been really subtle and in her enthusiasm, Jeongyeon often forgot to pay attention to the little details. “Just tell me, then!” she replied, raising her voice as well. By now, she was getting annoyed as well. She just wanted to help. “I can’t!” Nayeon bellowed back. Jeongyeon snorted. “Then how on earth am I supposed to know what the hell is going on, hmm?” she asked sceptically. “If you can’t even tell yourself then how am I supposed to tell?” Nayeon fell silent for a moment, obviously turning her even angrier now that Jeongyeon had her caught with one of her witty comments. “I do know what’s going on, it’s just that I can’t talk about it out loud,” she eventually said, turning away her gaze. Jeongyeon rose one of her eyebrows. “So, it’s embarrassing, then?” she concluded. Nayeon shot her a look that was hard to identify but her best friend knew her well enough that she had tipped the curtain. “It’s not supposed to be. But you made it by not noticing me!” she said in defense. Jeongyeon rolled her eyes. “Why not? Just tell me! I won’t laugh, I promise.” “I can’t!” “Then show me,” she suggested. Nayeon’s fierce gaze softened a bit and for a moment, all she could do was stare at the other girl in hesitation. The short-haired girl raised her eyebrows in anticipation of her reaction. “Okay,” she eventually said slowly. With her teeth, she caught her lower lip and chewed on it for a moment. When she let it go, her gaze had turned confident. Jeongyeon had seen that type of look in her eyes a dozen times; it was her stage-look, the look that indicated that she was going to do what she wanted to do, no matter the consequences. Nayeon stepped forwards and Jeongyeon let her, only realizing too late that that was exactly what Nayeon wanted. And with the wall pressing up against her back, there was no way to go. Their gaze locked for a split second, Jeongyeon hopelessly trying to send enough signals to express her worry when Nayeon kept coming closer. Her friend ignored her, though. Instead, her eyes were focused on her lips. Nayeon’s hands folded around her face and she brought up her face. Jeongyeon was petrified, her heart beating faster with every inch that Nayeon came closer. The blonde was a few centimeters taller than Nayeon was, meaning that Nayeon was obliged to lift her chin a little bit. Jeongyeon could feel her breath on her lips and a shudder ran through her body, all the way from her spine to the tips of her fingers and toes. She hoped this was just one of Nayeon’s jokes to try and make her uncomfortable, but something said her that the way her friend was closing the gap between them was too intimate to be a joke. Their lips met in a flurry of softness. Nayeon closed her eyes, but Jeongyeon was too shocked to do so. With her breath caught in her throat, she looked down on the older girl kissing her, her hands still around her face, her lips pressed up to hers like soft pillows. The strong, sweet scent of her perfume entered her nose and made her dizzy, which didn’t at all help to make her decide whether to push Nayeon away or let her be. Her body was shaking, her arms awkwardly by her side. Seconds passed and Jeongyeon was still too flabbergasted to respond. The kiss was one-sided and she wasn’t the only one who noticed. Nayeon’s hands moved from her face to her shoulders and she was ready to pull back; already getting the message that Jeongyeon didn’t like her. Their lips disconnected at the moment the taller girl was finally able to respond to the situation. Nayeon was already bowing back, distancing herself from her friend emotionally as well as physically when Jeongyeon pulled her back. It felt as if an invisible force guided her body and even if she could think of any objections right now, it wouldn’t have made a difference. Jeongyeon’s arm slid around Nayeon’s waist and almost hungrily she pushed her lips back upon hers. Whilst Nayeon’s kiss had been calculated and had been so soft that Jeongyeon had wondered half of the time if she wasn’t dreaming, their lips now collided harder, causing their front teeth to bump together. For the first time, Jeongyeon’s eyes fluttered shut. Nayeon, overmastered by the sudden turn of events, had trouble adjusting. She was quick to catch up, however, and within seconds their lips slid over each other’s as if they were made to do so. Nayeon’s arms curled around her neck, pulling her closer. Jeongyeon was still a bit wary, but it didn’t take long for her to find Nayeon’s hips. When the need of oxygen became too much, Jeongyeon pulled away. Panting, she stared confusedly at the girl who still had her arms wrapped around her neck. Nayeon’s lips had turned a slightly darker, being now perfectly pastel pink, and had swollen from the kiss. Her eyes were large as well, albeit rather in awe than confusion. Nayeon closed her mouth and swallowed audibly, not sure what to do now. And even though Jeongyeon might seem like the person who would take the lead at moments like these, she just stood there, frozen, like a statue. Unlike Nayeon, she had barely ever acted upon her crushes like this. She didn’t have the balls to walk up to someone and confess to them, one way or another, and kiss them. And right now, she had no idea what was supposed to happen now. In a drama, this would be the moment in which the main couple would come together. And even though their life was much like a drama, Jeongyeon didn’t feel at all confident like the male lead and right now, she just wanted to run away. “I-I have to go,” she blurted out. The taller girl freed herself from Nayeon’s arms and rushed out of the room. When she opened the door, she noticed Momo and Chaeyoung stir a few meters away, trying to look as innocent as possible, getting themselves something to drink and acting as if they hadn’t eavesdropped. Jeongyeon tried to ignore the staring eyes from the members as she walked towards her roommate, dragged her away from the fridge and back into their own room. As she slammed the door shut, she saw Nayeon leave her own room with blushed cheeks. “What?” Momo said, as soon as Jeongyeon had secured the door. “Something happened,” Jeongyeon breathed, still a bit out of breath. Momo rolled her eyes. “Yeah, duh. You had a fight with Nayeon. I gotta say, she is a feisty one but she has never gotten mad like that. You must’ve really screwed up,” she said. “What did you do?” “Nothing,” Jeongyeon murmered. “I did nothing.” “So, she got mad at you because she likes to get mad at you? Sounds like something Tzuyu would do.” “No… She got mad at me for doing nothing, for noticing nothing,” she explained. With red cheeks, she sat down on their bed. Momo eyed her from across the room, furrowing her eyebrows. “Explain.” Suddenly, it felt very awkward to talk about it. It had been something intimate between the two of them and honestly, she had a feeling that Momo would start to make fun of her as soon as she admitted she had kissed Nayeon. Either that, or turn away in disgust. Overall, they were very comfortable with skinship, but actual kissing was something else, especially because Jeongyeon hadn’t just let it happen – she had actually kissed her back. “How do you notice someone is in love?” “Nayeon is in love?!” her friend immediately blurted out, causing Jeongyeon to shush her immediately. “Who is it? Which man stole her heart?” She took a deep sigh. “I did.” Momo stared at her for a moment, then burst out in laughter. Jeongyeon watched her best friend in annoyance as she laughed, clutching her belly, with tears rolling down her cheeks. “Yah!” she eventually called out irritated. “What’s so funny?” “You didn’t know?” Momo managed to get out, in between her stifled chuckles. “I thought you knew!” “Did you know?” “Of course I did. You don’t have to be an expert to see that she’s head over heels for you and has been trying for ages to get you to notice her!” Momo grinned. “She didn’t tell me directly but I have seen her and Jihyo whisper with each other quite a lot of times. I eventually asked Sana and she had been long on her track before I was. I suppose only the maknaes don’t know, since I told Mina about my speculations. It wouldn’t surprise me that Chaeyoung has figured it out on her own and Tzuyu eavesdropped on one of us.” “And you didn’t bother to tell me?” Jeongyeon grimaced. Momo shrugged apologetically, although her big grin covering her face told her that she wasn’t quite sorry at all. “I thought you knew but that you had rejected her or something. Now it makes sense why Nayeon didn’t stop trying. I know she’s persistent but even she will back off if someone tells her that they don’t feel the same way. She still has some sort of pride, you know.” Jeongyeon sighed and rubbed with her fingers in her eyes, suddenly feeling tired. She let herself fall backwards onto the bed, facing the ceiling. Momo watched her and eventually laid down next to her. “So, what happened, then?” her friend eventually asked. “Well, she was angry with me for – you know – not noticing her attempts to flirt with me, but she wouldn’t tell me directly. I kind of made the mistake to tell her that she should show me if she couldn’t tell me and she kissed me…” “Oh my God,” Momo murmured. “-that’s so Nayeon, it seems like a scene straight from a drama!” Jeongyeon murmured in agreeance. “And, what happened next?” “I couldn’t kiss her back the first time, so-” “YOU KISSED TWICE?” Momo interrupted her excitedly, causing Jeongyeon to shoot her an angry glance. Momo signed that she’d be silent. “I don’t know, I was just terrified about what was happening. When she bowed back, I took her hand and kissed her again. After that, I freaked out and ran away. I found you and well, here we are.” “You’re just as bad as Nayeon, you know? Y’all should stop watching so many dramas,” Momo commented. Jeongyeon rolled her eyes. “I didn’t mean to.” “Then why did you? If you don’t like her, why did you kiss her back?” her friend asked her, with a sharpness in her voice that made Jeongyeon look up. “You know, it’s a real douchebag move to kiss her if she’s in love with you and you don’t feel anything for her.” “I didn’t do it because I wanted to hurt her,” she defended herself. “I don’t know why I did it.” Momo sighed and rolled her eyes. “Better figure it out then, my friend. Knowing Nayeon, she’ll soon approach you again, either for more or for an explanation.” Jeongyeon rolled over to her belly and buried her face in the soft, pastel pink sheets of their bed. “I know…” In fact, Nayeon came back sooner than expected. The following day, something had shifted between the group. Jihyo looked at her with almost blaming eyes. Jeongyeon guessed she was well aware of the situation and how badly she fucked up. She couldn’t meet their leader’s eyes that day. On top of that, Jihyo didn’t seem to leave Nayeon alone, who wouldn’t look at her at all. She completely ignored her existence. Jeongyeon was used to Nayeon ignoring her – normally, she would’ve done that after their teasing got too intense and she had gotten a bit agitated with her, but often that only took an hour or two before she was herself again – but this time she felt really awkward under it. This wasn’t some simple teasing or a joke gone too far. It was serious and real. Momo didn’t seem to mind it much, but she did notice Mina and Sana whispering to each other now and then. She guessed that Momo had told her girlfriend about the new situation and Sana had sensed that something was going on as well. The only persons who didn’t seem to know what was going on were the maknaes. But then again, they were at school most of the day – except for Dahyun – and were too tired to pay much attention to the on-going silent war between Nayeon and Jeongyeon. Yet, Chaeyoung could read Jeongyeon like a book and the younger girl had given her some knowing gazes to which Jeongyeon could conclude she was aware of the situation. Jeongyeon tried to connect with her best friend again, but every time she tried to get closer to her, Jihyo snatched her away, or one of the other girls unawarely caused her plan to fail. During dinner, when Nayeon had asked someone to pass the kimchi, Jeongyeon had taken the bowl and reached it to her. The look Nayeon had given her – almost utter fear – had caused Jeongyeon to shrink with shame. Nayeon had quietly taken the bowl, muttering a ‘thank you’, avoiding her eyes. Jeongyeon had wanted to get up from her chair and do something, just to get a reaction out of her that wasn’t awkward. But instead, they just sat at the dinner table, with heavy hearts and their lower lips caught between their teeth. Jeongyeon had already decided to do something about the situation soon, but Nayeon took the matter in her own hands. That evening, around an hour or two at night, she heard soft knocking on the door. Jeongyeon, disturbed by the sound, looked up, knowing fully well that Momo would never knock on their door and would simply barge in, just like many of the other members. On top of that, she had already texted that she’d probably crash in Mina’s bed for the night. Nowadays the two girls shared a bed quite a lot, leaving Jeongyeon with an incredible amount of space. The only person who would knock on the door would be Nayeon – or perhaps Tzuyu but she knew their youngest went to bed early on a school day. She got up from the bed and opened the door. Her best friend stood there, in her white-yellow bunny onesie, hopping on one foot to the other because she was cold. When Jeongyeon opened the door, she looked up almost in surprise, as if she hadn’t expected her to actually open the door. “Can I come in?” she asked. To answer her question, the taller girl stepped aside to let her pass. Nayeon got into the room and Jeongyeon let the door fall shut. A silence settled between the two girls. Nayeon – obviously uncomfortable – averted her gaze to the ground, searching on anything that was interesting enough to keep her eyes on and therefore avoiding Jeongyeon’s look. She expected Nayeon to make the first step, since it was her after all who had come to her room. But the other girl seemed to not be able to. “I’m sorry I didn’t notice,” the blonde eventually said, causing her friend to look up. “I came to apologize,” she muttered. “I didn’t mean to make our friendship so awkward. I really didn’t.” Nayeon sat down upon the bed and pulled up her knees, hugging them against her body. Jeongyeon watched her stare to the ground with an almost empty expression. She sat down next to her. “You didn’t do anything wrong,” she mumbled. “You cannot control whom you like, I suppose.” “No, you don’t, but I could’ve been more… I don’t know, I could’ve tried harder to get over you.” Jeongyeon looked up and shook her head. “To truly get over someone, you have to distance yourself from them. It was impossible for you. We live together, we’re best friends-” “And now I ruined our friendship,” Nayeon added with a dark voice. “Admit it.” “No, it just means things will change.” “But I don’t want anything to change. I want us to be like we used to be, without us being afraid to touch each other. I want us to tease each other again and have our stupid love-hate relationship. I don’t want this, I don’t want to be in love with you and I hate myself for it because you don’t like me, even though you kissed me back. I could feel it, you know?” Jeongyeon bit her lip. A shaky sigh escaped her lips. The silence returned, more sweltry than ever. “How do you know how I feel?” she eventually muttered. Nayeon stirred, but didn’t look up. “What do you mean?” “You don’t know how I feel, or what I felt like when we kissed. You’re just assuming the worst right now and you’re almost trying your best to make your predictions happen just so you can punish yourself for following your heart.” Nayeon looked up and stared at her friend with an expression that was difficult to read. Jeongyeon stole a glance, although she had a hard time looking in those round puppy eyes. The brunette breathed louder than usual. “Don’t give me hope, Jeongyeon,” she eventually said, her voice as soft and squeaky as a mouse’s. “That’s even worse than heartbreak.” “I’m not giving you hope, I’m being honest,” Jeongyeon replied. “You should stop hurting yourself because of your feelings. You can’t control them.” “But I don’t know what to do anymore,” Nayeon forced out, tears appearing in her eyes. She tore her gaze away from Jeongyeon and buried it in the crook between her knees and her body, her shoulders shaking softly. There was no sound coming from her, but Jeongyeon noticed how her nails digged into the skin of her calves, which were just a little bit exposed under her onesie. Jeongyeon didn’t hesitate to pull her closer. Even if she hadn’t been conflicted by her own emotions, she would have done so; it was a natural reflex to seeing her friend upset. What had happened between them didn’t have anything to do with the hug. But the recent events did play a part in her stirring emotions and even though Jeongyeon didn’t like to admit it; her heart had been shaken when they had kissed. And even though she had never thought about having romantic feelings for Nayeon, the other girl has been on her mind the whole day today. And her sudden urge to pull her back and kiss her again was suspicious and set her off to think about what was actually happening to her. Shouldn’t she feel disgusted if she didn’t like Nayeon? Shouldn’t she feel bad about leading her on and had her trying for so long? Because she didn’t feel that way and that was even more confusing than Nayeon telling her that she was in love with her. And now that her best friend was leaning onto her shoulder, sobbing into her neck, the urge to lift her head and make her stop crying with a single touch of her lips. Eventually they laid down in the bed, the sheets pulled over their still entangled bodies. Jeongyeon had her arms wrapped around the brunette and Nayeon had curled herself up in a ball, with her face into the blonde’s pyjamas. The crying had stopped, but by the sniffling way of breathing, she still noticed that Nayeon wasn’t one hundred percent okay. Jeongyeon was on the urge of falling asleep when Nayeon looked up. “How do you feel about me then?” she asked, with a voice that was still shaking. “If it’s really bad, don’t tell me.” “I don’t know,” Jeongyeon answered immediately. “I really don’t know. I’m confused.” Nayeon looked back down and nodded. She propped herself up on her elbow. Their eyes met, hers still shiny of the tears that had fallen only moments ago. Jeongyeon caught herself shifting her gaze to her lips. Right now, she let herself do that, trying to get to gauge what was happening inside her body. And she found that as soon as her eyes had set on Nayeon’s lips, that they wouldn’t leave anymore. Her breath caught in her throat and she had to suppress the urge to place her hand on her cheek. “You didn't know what you felt like when you kissed me?” Nayeon specified, a frown appearing on her face. Jeongyeon shook her head. Her heart beated hard against her rib cage when their eyes met. Jeongyeon gulped, almost unable to look at her friend, hovering over her. “I was confused. I didn’t have time to pay attention to my feelings...” she muttered, almost in defense. Nayeon’s gaze eased, but confusion had gathered in her eyes. She took her time before she spoke. “Just say it,” she eventually breathed, her voice thick with nerves. Jeongyeon bit down on her lower lip. “Kiss me, again.” When the words left her mouth, it didn’t sound like her voice at all. Jeongyeon, being surprised of her own neediness, was still too overwhelmed to do anything more than to watch Nayeon bow down to her and press her lips ever so slightly upon hers. Her eyes closed automatically this time. Her heart jumped up and down, like an excited little kid, and her belly twisted and turned. She felt one of Nayeon’s hands cup her face as her soft lips worked on hers. Nayeon smelled sweet even without perfume and the scent was enough to drive her mad. It felt like kissing clouds. They were barely present on hers but it was enough to feel it, enough to want more. It was Jeongyeon who placed her hand in Nayeon’s neck – the other girl shivered at the touch – and deepened the kiss. She opened Nayeon’s mouth more with her own, letting their lips slide over each other like they had the first time they kissed. Nayeon obliged and swung one of her legs over Jeongyeon’s body, so that she was fully hovering over her. “Tell me… how you… feel,” Nayeon breathed against her lips, in between the kisses. The blonde was actually too busy to even think about her own feelings right now, let alone being able to speak. It took only a millisecond to realize that enjoying the kissing so much meant so much more than just craving to be loved – by anyone. Perhaps she had always liked Nayeon too, but she had just stuffed it away, explaining her attraction as mere platonic feelings. The last time she had had a relationship was back in high school with a boy. Falling for a boy was so much different than falling for a girl – let alone your best friend. On top of that, she wasn’t a high school student anymore and whilst she could have afforded to play around a little back then, she wasn’t able to do that now. Jeongyeon knew she needed to watch her words, but what came out felt like exactly the opposite. “I want more-” she muttered against Nayeon’s lips. “I like… I like you… I like you too…” The brunette pressed her lips more fiercely upon Jeongyeon’s, who replied with the same need. At a certain point, Nayeon even let out a small moan from the back of her throat. Jeongyeon was surprised at how much she liked the sound, especially now that it was generated by her actions. But in a house with seven other members to bother you, privacy didn’t last long… nor did secrets. Whilst Jeongyeon thought that her roommate had long fallen asleep in Mina’s bed, the door was kicked in by the athletic brunette a quarter after their kissing session had started. With Nayeon on top, Jeongyeon’s hands on her hips and their lips connected, breathing hard and fast against each other’s lips, there was no denying anymore that there was something more going on. Even in the half dark, Momo could clearly see what was happening. She froze in the doorway, watching the two girls get off each other as fast as they could. Nayeon’s cheeks had turned deeply red and she rushed out of the room immediately, not even able to say good-bye to either of them. Jeongyeon was left in the bed, her hair a bit ruffled, and a confused, shocked expression on her face. As soon as they heard the door to the other door slam shut – Jeongyeon reckoned that Nayeon would be interrogated by Jihyo, Mina and Sana as soon as she came in – Momo started to grin. She walked to the other side of the bed and held up the covers between her index finger and her thumb, as if she held up a dirty cloth. “Do we have to change the sheets?” she asked jokingly, causing Jeongyeon to push her teasingly. Momo started to chuckle. “So, you like her too?” her friend asked her. Jeongyeon let out a sigh and closed her eyes for a moment. The picture of Nayeon, after their first kiss, with her pastel pink lips, appeared in front of her eyes. She nodded, still keeping her eyes shut, wanting to enjoy the memory a little longer. When she opened them again, Momo was watching her. “I think I always did, I simply didn’t know.” Momo chuckled and shook her head, rolling her eyes. “Whenever you going to call me stupid in the future, I’m going to remind you to exactly this moment. Who on earth doesn’t realize they’re in love after having spent every day with them?” Jeongyeon chuckled. “You’re allowed to do that, because it was a pretty stupid move.” The girls laughed for a moment. But as Momo grew silent, falling asleep, Jeongyeon couldn’t wipe the grin off her face. Nayeon stayed on her mind that night and long after that.
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