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ravensandstarsss · 8 months

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A long vent post

For anyone who reads it I would appreciate some kind words or even advice idk idk I just really need to not be alone while I vent rn.

I am honest to god just very much at the end of my rope with regards to everything and struggling to keep my head above water and it all feels so fruitless. I've been working so hard to try and keep my last couple jobs but it fails because I barely make ends meet after having to use ubers since I don't have the time or money to get to the dmv to get my license and I can't burden friends during the week when we all work most of the time during dmv hours. Then there's just the struggle of being homeless on and off this whole time while doing my degree now too and I just....I was so close to staying housed then I made a single dumb decision of going where I shouldn't have because I thought I'd be able to make more money and I'm back to square one and I'm so fucking tired I don't know why it just feels like I'm being set up to fail all the time by myself. And then I'm so conflicted because my mom wants me to be with her and keeps telling me how much she needs me and ignoring that I don't have money and saying I'm doing it on purpose and that I don't want to come see her when of course I fucking do but going with her to K and then her going to c without me and and leaving me homeless and alone abroad and having to get back home through a loan program that I had to pay off when I got back and left me super behind and not able to make good money despite a good paying job just fuckeed me up so much. I LOVED that job and had to leave because I couldn't pay for ubers. It's the most horrible feeling in the world. I honestly feel so worthless and I'm days away from being on the street and I am trying so hard to focus on studying and keeping my 4.0 average at uni because this program is good and I love it and it will help me get a really good job in my field but holy fuck it's so hard when I'm terrified of being on the street and have to beg for money for years and I just want it all to stop. I am so ill mentally and physically, and it doesn't help that I am eating foods that make me super sick bc it's all that I can afford and I just...I don't know. I'm so scared I'm going to d-e because I just am not getting donations and I can't get to my job without them at this point and I want to survive I want to achieve my goals so much. Literally all I want in my life is to be a history professor, to have a family/kids that I can look after and support and help them live their best and happiest lives, and just have a home of some kind. I've /never/ had roots or a home for more than 5 years bc of family issues and it's been a constant up and down of family moneywise and just the psychological and physical abuse from family members and the ptsd and mental illnesses as a result are catching up to me and just destroying me and at this point I don't know what to do I'm so scared. I just want to be okay i've been fighting tooth and nail for /everything/.

#vent

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kenjiyabuki · 3 months

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DMD FTR: finale thoughts

i forgot to put this out because i've been in the process of being an employed adult human person these days, unfortunately (no one who saw my previous DMD FTR posts is surprised that i was unemployed). now i wont even get to have my weekly crisply shot and edited hang outs w Gen 3 besties while this new job is sucking my soul... but this was a pleasant finale to this sweet and chill and incredibly unsurprising show!

here's the thing: i dont even know who Domundi is trying to fool w this double win stuff cause they did literally announce the new gen would be acting in TWO (2) new series during their 2023 Line Up event???????

so the double win wasn't a surprise AT ALL but it's okay, it didnt really diminish my enjoyment out of the show at all. i wanted both couples to have series anyway!

as i've said in my first post about this show, it has been very obvious that this shows' intention isn't to be a competition, it's more of a new gen "inauguration". they could've just put the boys through bunch of workshops and let them choose partners off camera too but they chose to put money and time in to make it a whole show, so people could witness their journey and premature fan clubs would form and develop. i think its fun and clever marketing but did it work???

well, the boys def have more fans now BUT on the same day this episode was premiering, some ZNN fans were crying about their faves (who just had a movie come out, also filming a show rn AND scheduled to film another one after) being slighted by the company and they didn't need to "add more". like i said, i don't really follow Domundi closely, if the fans are right about artist management i might not know... but their Gen 2 was extremely successful after all and people are BEGGING for more series, so it's not a bad move for a company to want to grow. i wish fans would be more mature and learn more the industry the person they "stan" works in! why would a growing company would just make shows w 2 actors over and over man, cmon 😭

okay now that i got that out of me, back to the finale. some notes about the general:

the group performance of the theme song was a bit cringe to me bc i just hate that kind of music. but everyone's ending fairies were really cuteeeee so i forgive them

real winners of the episode is the background dancers because they literally did all the performances and acted too, very well!!

Domundi members and variety of industry people in the audience was sweet to see and added valuable comments/advice for the boys. i was especially happy to see Jimmy and Tommy, whom i ADORE!!!!

i was laughing at that LOUD ASS clapping and hollering track they kept playing to add some more noise to the audience's. like i know why they did it but how much that big sound didn't match w that small crowd just tickled me..

well, yeah, i cant get into idol-ing stuff personally so i was kind of bored during the solo performances. i dont really have comments that hasn't already been said by the judges. i thought all the boys did what they were supposed to do and showcased their talents, EXCEPT Latte........ my dude, what happened? i think he could've lip sync to the song, which IS a skill (Rupaul's Drag Race battles and just drag performances in general as evidence...) that would add a lot to his performance.

Firstone leaving the competition w Best Friendship & Best Performance Awards in his pocket and two guys wanting to be his partner. What a little star... Deserved and love his cocky attitude.

about couple jukebox musicals:

in my last episode commentary, i joked about Mandee getting inspired from my ideas but then they actually kinda happened lol🧐🧐🧐🧐 ThomasKong's performance was a coming of age, young love story while KengNamping's story was more complex romance w an angsty core, almost exactly like i wished for.

all in all, KengNamping's performance grabbed my attention the most. mostly because their acting & chemistry seemed improved to me (that kiss fake out at the end, what the hell??? you guys couldn't hold an eye contact couple eps ago...) AND their storyline just ATEEEE. i dont know who came up w the forbidden romance between kinda out of touch but well meaning rich boy & his "i suffer through love quietly" village boy bodyguard, w humour sprinkled in, but they need to get their ass eaten regularly...

ThomasKong don't even need to try that hard, they are just natural born charmers!!!! i liked their friends to lovers, nerdy guy cant believe popular one' love bc he doesnt see his value storyline (Thomas could've busted out One Direction's "What Makes You Beautiful"). With the romantic prom climax, it reminded me of American high school movies and fit their vibes perfectly. i wish it was more humorous, because i think comedy is one of their strong suits. like how did it ended up that shy kings KengNamping got more laughs than ThomasKong, the goofballs themselves??? whoever is writing their series, please take notes, now that i know you are reading these...

after the glorious double win and the cute four-way hug, Aof said that two shows would be announced this year which clearly meant that most we are getting this year are pilot trailers. which is fine. not easy to be patient but i get that they are a smaller company w lots on their plates already. i hope they will use that time to work and work and work on the shows!!!!

i honestly want Domundi to kind of change up things in their filmmaking/producing styles, maybe switch directors sometimes and try diffferent styles idk... this show and Gen 3 in general felt very refreshing and i hope they keep that vibe going! and maybe i will finally watch a Domundi show till the last episode.

P.S.: Extra clips were released this week and KengNamping's was sweet. i was kinda laughing at how much of a set up it was like, them conveniently sharing a blanket, all mic'd up, getting filmed w lights on etc. but their conversation and mood in the moment seemed sincere, which is enough. it was nice to see the context for ep 5, when they found each other at the other end of the red ribbon and said that so much happened on that bridge. what a perfect circle moment, from comforting each other about not winning a challenge to winning the show!

#dmd friendship the reality #domundi #what a ride this has been

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kulekrizpy · 3 months

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my friend/ex was really upset yesterday. his body is all messed up from various injuries, he needs dental work. i told him to call out of work bc he wasn’t going to get any sleep before his shift

he moved near his hometown with some planning but not a lot. he wants to go to school. but he won’t have in-state tuition since he was living in my state prior to moving. he works really hard at work but it’s physical labor and it only makes his health issues worse. he also doesn’t want to move up to a less labor-intensive position :/ he honestly needs to take medical leave

and he’s upset with my brother for various reasons, but last night he was drinking and it all came out and he messaged my brother and my mother about how upset he was about my brother breaking something of mine and not paying in full to replace it. he’s struggling with money on his own and he resents my brother for having a cushy job that he complains about and flouts authority on. in many ways my brother IS entitled and probably WOULD benefit from being punched in the face at least once for his shitty political views, especially bc my ex is genderqueer. but he has definitely not spoken frankly about it with my brother

speaking of which, now he’s in a less accepting place and tho he “toned down the queer” he still gets looks from ppl and it’s stressing him out a lot. he worries about going thru backroads in case his car breaks down and someone kills him

all his friends from back home are druggies or complete deadbeats or both and he’s had a falling out with everyone since he moved. he’s also worried one of his older friends won’t live beyond this year. so now all the friends he does rely on are in my area and not his and he’s very lonely and isolated. and that also means i’m his best friend rn, which he’s told me several times

a week or so ago he wanted to make a risky and illegal change in career and after i told him i wouldn’t have been friends with him anymore if he decided to do it, he told me he still wants to fuck me. when i told him i can’t be casual with him anymore so don’t say that, he said he didn’t say it properly and that he meant he wants to be with me, eventually. and it’s just a whole fucking thing. he can’t even articulate what he wants. i told him not to mention it again unless he was sure and confident he could actually be a good partner to me. and i told him i need time to get over him too

and last night, we were chatting and i realized he’d been drinking, and he’s in a negative spiral/combative. he messaged my family. i told him he should wait til the morning and he did it anyway. at that point i said whatever. the call dragged on for hours tho he needed to sleep for work. he was in such a state i didn’t feel comfortable getting off the phone with him in case he did something very risky, like driving drunk or idk what else. he talked about wanting to lay down on some train tracks…

AND he called me again at work the other day. like. on the work phone. he used to work there but it’s just… not professional. feels weird. esp bc he was doing it cuz he was drunk. told him to text or call my phone next time

he gets drunk and disregards boundaries. bc he also mentioned the dating thing last night while we were talking. and when i told him not to he sidestepped and kept going on about whatever rant. and he just argues abt everything when he’s drunk. DUMB shit. like me taking my bike apart to store it easier. like bruh leave me alone ??

in the end he called out of work, then talked to his sister and i guess she convinced him to drive up instead of doing something dumber. i asked if he was sober enough and he said yeah. which he would’ve said no matter what i’m sure :|

so. he got to his family’s place and i guess i’ll see him today sometime. i told him i don’t want to drink and my brother doesn’t wanna drink with him either, so we’ll avoid that at our house at least

he’s trying, but he’s also falling back on stupid habits. i just hope he can figure out how to get the help he needs

and i need to figure out how to keep my boundaries

the cats woke me up earlier. i need to sleep more before i see him. good night

#suicide m //#personal

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godspeedyoublackcoffee · 18 days

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was zonked off my gourd last night (2mg clonazepam) which infamously makes you steal (i don't do that anymore) so instead you can stroll around the grocery store (we need food no matter what) or the dollarstore (bc it's cheap going on a spree doesn't hurt your pocket as bad) or what i did last night was online shopping filling up my cart and then being like oh we're at $500 let's just remove half the stuff from my cart and then not even buy anything yet... (i even had my credit card on my nightstand ready 😭)

anyways what i'm saying is that benzodiazepines are for women and women be shopping. like if i knew a man that took benzos (cringe word) i'd be like ew why don't you take some amphetamines so you can do your blue collar work with crackhead strength or solve math equations faster? idk. like no doubt courtney love was on birth control bc how on earth can you find a man like kurt cobain attractive?

don't steal and don't be a faggot basically

but another thing, i was thinking those rich housewives have it made. they're always on pills and they have infinite money to buy stuff. problem is it's not true love (one of the last things we have left) and they live a secular life (sad!) so i was like actually on second thought i think i'll stick with my diet pepsi...

and i was like actually you know what. i'm actually so jobless rn so i should not be spending. and then i started to worry but then i was like Matthew 6:26-34 🙏

today i've been looking online for a birthday gift for my landlord (i have something equivalent to store credit so dw i'm not like party rocking myself into poverty) and i've been having so much fun doing it bc i LOVE giving gifts, i'm really good at it. (inb4 omg your landlord??? you're cucked) i do agree landlords are parasites but he's a super cool dude i randomly met that let me move into his house in 2 days notice, moved my stuff into this house for free, and then next month was like "it's okay if you need some time to pay rent i'm not in a hurry" and i was like "no i gotchu" probably bc i give off destitute orphan who somehow managed to avoid prostitution vibes. and then he moved back in with his parents so i live in this house by myself for the cost of a room! and then his parents got me furniture for my room bc i really am a destitute orphan who somehow managed to avoid prostitution

but i feel like if i ever couldn't pay rent he wouldn't kick me out or start charging late fees. also his dad was here during the winter fixing the furnace and for a reason i can't recall he was like "idc at all if this house burns down and we lose it, i care about losing you!" so they're really decent people *david guetta voice* shout out to his family

also that italian faggot called and texted me a week ago but i have his number blocked. the devil with temptation fr. i wanted so badly to shop last night and it would easily be an option to say put the money in my hand and i will do the things you ask me. not that i've done that before but he's tried to arrange things with other men for me hence why he's a faggot that's blocked. and one of the men is a few doors down and literally a gangstalker bc he walks by in the alley and the front to see if i'm outside and i've told that faggot to tell his friend to stop but he won't he does the opposite and is like "no man, go after her!" so now i have bad agoraphobia about these retards which is sad bc i would like to stay here but i feel like a prisoner in my own home and ultimately just want to move away from these degenerates

and about the jobless thing, there's a couple places hiring now that i'm going to apply to and i checked to see if my old job is hiring (they aren't) and then maybe 20 minutes later i get an email from the manager saying they're hiring and to apply when the post goes live in 2 days

God blesses me.

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marshmallowprotection · 1 year

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Hello ! This is pukey Saeyoung anon.

I’m comin off anon bc honestly that shit is too much work. Pretty sure being sick this long has fried any last sense of inhibition or shame in my brain and I think everyone deserves to know how much I love Saeyoung smh. The extent to which that is my Mans. I will publicly gush if I so please. 😤😤

Plus! I’m pleased to report that I haven’t actually thrown up in about two weeks! So like. Hashtag recovery life I guess. 💀

But that’s what I came here to update you about. :’D

I feel like I kinda left you with a cliffhanger there with the whole bone cancer thing. (If it makes you feel any better, the hospital did too 👁👄👁)

November was very much,,, a terrible horrible no good very bad type of month. I spent nearly two weeks waiting for them to get back to me about my dumb bone marrow autopsy only for them to cancel my appointment last minute. And in the meantime I was just getting sicker and sicker… I ended up in and out of the hospital again a couple times,, but by the third time I was scared to go back bc the second time I went they didn’t even admit me overnight. They basically just charged me $700 to take a four hour nap. And cha boy doesn’t have that kinda money. 😭

But it got to the point that I really physically couldn’t take it anymore… I have never been in so much pain and discomfort in my entire life. Which unfortunately with the life I’ve had,, that’s a high ass bar lmao.

And it was just CONSTANT… I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t look at any screens. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t stand. I was literally too weak to even pull a blanket up over myself. I literally was spending every night sobbing/shivering/barfing myself to sleep. It was baaaaaaad.

Luckily my roommate at this point had probably started to get annoyed by hearing me crying from pain all night and was like “dude I’m taking you to the hospital again”

And my third hospital visit !! They FINALLY gave me an answer as to wtf is going on!

Good news is…? Not bone cancer. I don’t have to enter my Deadpool era Quite yet.

Bad news…? Apparently I’ve got fuckin Lupus 🤡

Which is super cute and fun because,, you know. Incurable lifelong chronic illness. I’m literally gonna be dealing with this shit for the rest of my life. :)

But like. It’s a perfectly livable disease. As long as it’s, you know. Actually being taken care of and treated. Which I now have enough info to actually do haha.

(Hit the self-loathing so hard that even my own fuckin immune system was like, oh shit we gotta take this bitch DOWN 💀)

I’m soooo glad to be home and back from the hospital… but it’s been very strange too. I’m still really sick and I can’t really do much on my own and,,, my brain physically doesn’t know how to process being like,, taken care of. Honestly it kinda sets off alarm bells in my brain 😳 but I’ve had to accept pretty damn quickly that,, I don’t really have a choice rn. I’m so used to just being on my own pushing through all my pain and just. Waiting till it goes away on its own. But if I do that in this case… the pain will just get worse and my body will quite literally shut down on me and I will literally die. Sooooo like,,,, 🤡 I guess maybe I can stand to be taken care of for at least a little while.

Doc says with all the damage that’s been done to my organs and stuff this past year, they caught it early enough that the damage is reversible. But I need to undergo a really strict recovery treatment,, and they estimate it’ll be at least 18 months before I’m able to get back to my ~normal healthy baseline~. Which is insane… like am I really gonna be out here living like a sickly hermit for a damn year and a half?? I’m gonna keep feeling better, I know. And I’ll slowly be able to do more again. But I can’t go back to my job. It was causing me waaay too much physical and mental strain. :( so that’s gonna be fun to figure out.

They also put me on literally 12 new medications when I left the hospital to help control my symptoms. Each of which I have to take 1-3 times a day. So that’s super exciting. Love a big bowl of pills for breakfast every morning.

It was torture at first because I hate swallowing pills. But it’s been about a week and I’m honestly getting used to it already. And better yet? Even after only a week… they’re noticeably helping my symptoms… and I’m actually starting to be able to do things again… I *almost* feel like, 60% of a normal human person again,,, maybe even 65%! I’m slowly starting to regain my appetite finally… and I can do little things again… like play the new Pokémon game, or watch anime, or draw, or call a friend on the phone. Which… god what a relief 😭 words cannot describe how good it feels to be able to do those things again… frankly,, it was traumatic having to spend the last few months watching my body physically deteriorate in real time… so now that I’m starting to feel like myself again, if only a little. I’m like. Hey?? I actually love myself so much???? I think I’m a pretty cool fun interesting person. Thank GOD I’m making a comeback 😭😭

Saeyoung of course has been a great source of comfort for me throughout all of this… he always is one of my biggest sources of comfort in life… literally even just imagining him being in the same room as me is enough to put me more at ease…

When things were at their worst a big part of how I dealt with shit was vividly daydreaming about making up silly stories with Saeyoung to distract me. This is something I’ve done for years when I’m too upset or stressed to sleep,,, it’s been a reliable source of comfort for me for a hot minute. But it’s never gotten to this extent haha.

We have a whole ass story going,, I’m actually starting to get pretty attached to the story and the characters… which is stupid AF because it’s literally just. Me and Saeyoung Choi as fantasy self-inserts wherein he’s a court jester and I’m a knight and we’re going on a quest to ~find a cure for my mysterious illness~

But a part of me is like 🥺🤔 what if I actually wrote the story tho? Lmaoooo

Amongst other coping mechanisms and distractions,,, I’ve also been falling HARD into my online shopping addiction. But also, idk, can you blame me…? I’m a material gowrl at heart and I haven’t been able to go shopping in person for months 😔😔 I need little treats to get me through the day.

Mostly I’ve been spending an UNGODLY amount of money on plushies. Like… idk if I could count them and I don’t even wanna THINK about the prices fhdhdjd-

Mostly Pokémon and Sanrio characters. But a few other random critters as well.

And tbh?? I don’t regret a single purchase. They’ve literally all helped me feel more comfortable and joyful these past couple months, which I’ve really needed. So, even if my bed is starting to look RIDICULOUS from sheer volume of plushies…. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I’m living my best life

A few days ago I got a giant charmander plushy… and like. Ordinarily I’m not even the biggest fan of charmander (shut UP ABOUT CHARIZARD GAMEFREAK. IM OVER IT. GEN 1 IS POPULAR WE GET IT)

But I swear to god this young man is changing my life. It may be the softest squishiest most huggable plush I’ve ever encountered. I’ve been carrying him almost everywhere,,, starting to feel like the “ahh yes. Me, my partner, and their life sized mareep plushy” meme for real 💀💀

((How do you think Saeyoung would feel about me turning our bed into a literal mountain of plushies? Or having to compete for attention with my charmander? Hehe. ))

THERES ONLY ONE MORE THING I WANTED TO SAY…

If you’re actually taking the time to read all of this,,, holy shit thank you. And thank you for providing lonely bitches like me this outlet c’: to be able to talk… and share comfort… and express our deep love for these characters without fear of judgement. It’s really just such a lovely blog and I can never thank you enough.

But the last topic I wanted to touch on!!!

Ugh,,, I read your answer to the ask about Saeyoung with an MC into pastel goth fashion and…

That made me so happy 😭😭❤️❤️

I love fashion,,, so much. Truly one of my greatest joys in life is getting into a really cool fun outfit and strutting around Knowing that I’m cool as fuck and I look like a sexy badass 😤😤 it’s simply the most powerful feeling.

Love when I’m wearing an outfit I know looks fire and I can’t stop smirking haha.

And I just,,, love being flamboyant and silly and having fun with it. I’m 100% the type of person to walk into a store and go “this is the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen. The colors and patterns are such a mess they’re practically nauseating. I NEED IT.”

I have a collection of tacky button up shirts that could probably blind a man lmao. And JACKETS?? Don’t get me started on jackets. Boots,,, cargo pants,,, earrings,,, big colorful sunglasses. Ugh. <3

Since I’ve been so sick I haven’t been putting much effort into my appearance. My outfits were so joyless for a while… and then, well. I’ve spent the last month and a half wearing exclusively Pajamas and Hospital Gowns 😭

Considering that my main fashion inspirations ordinarily fall somewhere between Elton John, Lil nas x, and Jojo’s bizarre adventure…

Quite the glow down haha

I don’t think I realized fully how much I missed that until I read your ask…

You inspired me to go looking for some fun new clothes online. And now I’m feeling so excited and impatient for them to get here because I can’t remember the last time I got to put together a fun outfit… I actually wanna like,, get up and get dressed for the first time in so long c’: if only to waltz around my apartment a little bit and take a few selfies.

I’m not sure when I’ll be able to get back to my FULL level of glamour,, my inflammation is still pretty bad so my face and body are kinda weird and swollen and lumpy right now 🥴 and again,,, standing and walking are still very much a challenge. Idk if I could wear heels right now haha I’m wobbly enough on my feet already.

But I can’t wait to get back into it…

Like you were saying in that ask too… another part of why I love fashion defs has to do with my gender expression… and I LOVE LOVE LOVE when people bring that up with Saeyoung 😭 it always makes me grin and fills me with so much adoration to think about Sae getting to have fun and experience that euphoria with clothing and fashion as well… and especially the thought of us getting to do it together….? c’:

Literally a concept that is SO important and special to me 😭❤️❤️

Idk what kinda wonky matching outfits we’d be putting together but I know that we would look so fuckin cool and hot 😤😤 and best of all we could have so much fun. Which… tbh, there’s nothing more I could ask for in life.

Plus of course,,, there’s always the added fun of self indulgently getting to imagine Saeyoung admiring and complimenting me on my fashion :’D and like,,, thinking I’m cool or whatever 😭

Anyways! Those are all the things I wanted to say.

If you’re still reading this,, //what’s wrong with you bahaha I’m such a rambly mess

But like. Thank you. And deadass if this is too long to read or respond to feel free to leave it in your inbox or just delete it.

Honestly it was just really nice to be able to type out all these thoughts just to sorta. Get it out and decompress, ya know…? c’:

I hope you have an absolutely beautiful day.

While I am happy to hear that you have a better understanding of what's going on in your life, I'm sorry you're going through this transitional time when you discover that you have chronic illness. That has to be the most difficult time for a lot of people. You have to make a lot of adjustments and make changes that you may not be happy with to make sure that you're taken care of. I empathize and understand this because I deal with multiple chronic illnesses. If you ever need a safe space to vent about it, this is always a safe spot. Whether you want it to be posted or not, you can always scream into the inbox.

I hope you don't beat yourself up over the new limitations and changes that are coming into your life. It'll be hard for a little while to get used to everything. But it'll be okay. I can't promise that it'll be easy in the long run. This journey is a lot different for everybody. I think what helps when you feel lonely and isolated in that regard, is to find comfort in the things that make you happy and if that is this video game, then I'm glad that you have it. It's been there for me through all of my experiences so I'm also grateful for it.

I know what it feels like to be lonely and afraid. Having my blog like this... it’s a place where I’m able to help everyone’s dream. It’s simple, it’s small, but I know even the smallest response of “Yes, your favorite character would do this for you today!” means the world to someone on their worst day. I hope that you’re able to find some spoons to dress up and feel good very soon. It’s hard to find a good day sometimes, but you’ll have soon, I’ll cross my fingers for you.

Imagine that, I mean, imagine Saeyoung gushing over you because you found the energy to get up and show off your new outfit. There’s dazzling sparkles in his eyes as he looks at you. His hands are pressed to his mouth, and he looks like he’s going to keel over in delight. He’s absolutely enamored and in love with the sight of you. “You’re so handsome! I can’t take it! I’m in the presence of the best lover! I think I’m the luckiest boyfriend in the world!” Cue him pretending to faint before you ask him if he’s getting dressed, too.

That’s when he springs back up: “Wait, wait, wait, I’ve got the perfect dress that’ll match this. I’ll even let you pick my hair style for the day!”

#longpost #long post #queue #ask #pukey saeyoung anon #mod kait #clownishpossum #also don't worry I've got plenty of daydreams about saeran.#we're coping. this is fine and dandy.#so you and saeyoung? valid.#grief and anger are the things that I felt most at the start so be gentle with yourself.#tw chronic illness

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irregulrs · 10 months

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˙ ◌ ⁎˚ 〇﹒﹙johnny suh. cismale. he/him.﹚guess who was almost late for their shift at the vesper lounge again?? that’s right, it was baek eunwoo! it’s a wonder their job as owner of vesper lounge isn’t in jeopardy. the 26 year old has been working at sunset galleria for 3 ½ years, and is well known for their generous nature. on bad days, they can be rather self-critical, though. when the mall is dead at night, they can usually be found browsing vinyls at wangto records, but don’t tell their boss!﹙izzy, 28, she/her, gmt+2, none.﹚

hello meow meows ♡ you can call me izzy, i'm 28 (come on hags), operate on gmt+2 and i'm bringing u my cool chaos boy eunwoo (๑˃ᴗ˂)ﻭ under the cut you can find some links, a summary of eunwoo and whatever random thoughts & tidbits about him are flying around in my head. i can't wait to write with you all !

click here for eunwoo's full profile

click here for eunwoo's full biography (it's a bit lengthy lmfao sorry)

pinterest board for all my visual besties out there

baek eunwoo, 26 turning 27, make some noise for scorpio babies!

daegu born & raised, owner of the vesper lounge

his parents poured all their savings into opening a family restaurant called two moons, it was their lifelong dream to have an establishment of their own

you know the food is dope when there’s a random child sleeping in the corner or playing mobile games at full volume? that was eunwoo lmao

he never quite understood why his parents were so strict with his older brother jinwoo regarding his education WELL 🤡

turns out there was only ever enough money to punch one kid thru medical school and of course it has to be the eldest son duh

meanwhile eunwoo got to have a pretty chill school time? noraebag after school with friends is x100 better than hakwon anyways

it was a little too late when he realized that he only got to play and have fun bc his parents had no intention of sending him to university

surprise! you get to help at the family restaurant awww congrats king <3

he….really wanted to help his parents. he wanted for their dream to be successful. but not like this bruh 😭

he really struggled with accepting the fact that he was gonna rot away living someone else’s dream once his parents retire and leave the restaurant in his hands but ??? they are his parents ??? he couldn't say no rip

life comes at u fast and eunwoo realizes that when his parents pass away in a car accident and the care of the restaurant falls into his hands much, much earlier than he expected

well....... he cashes out his part of the house & land he inherited, sells the restaurant (his parents in heaven: say sike rn?!) and moves to a different part of daegu 🤣👍 talk about burning bridges that's that dawg scorpio in him

by now his brother is in seoul busy being a big shot anyway ugh so when eunwoo stumbles over the empty storefront in galleria sunset he pours his savings from the sales he made into opening the vesper lounge, finally something of his own awww look at him 🤕

truth be told he can't really tell if this is actually his dream or if he's just done this to be Doing Something but it's too late to make something different of life at this point right??? (he really needs someone to tell him that it isn't too late pleek)

i've got a bunch of plots right here but i'm always down to plot and brain storm!!

i love making my muses suffer a little lol and i love coming up with dynamics and past backgrounds to intertwine our muses so!!! i hope we can come up with something cool together hehe i'm excited (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡

oh and if you find tumblr ims as obnoxious as me we can plot over discord ofc <3

#sunsetintro #alla prima.

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egokillr · 2 years

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hi this is a bit of a dark ask but i need to get this off my chest.

i want to drop out off school, i dont want the career path im taking. i hate everything about it. im literally writing this at 2:00 am because i cant sleep due to being soo stressed out over my test that is after tomorrow.

i dont want to stress out like this... i dont want to study but i going to continue to since i need a job. because i need money to live

i alr failed a test worth a lot and i dont know if i can continue without spiralling because im so stressed and scared about my marks.

what do i do? i feel so hopeless. its only been a month into school and i genuinely cant handle it

i want to just have my desires because if i had them in the 3d rn i wouldn't be growing gray hair out of stress at 17 years old. what do i do?

hello!! im so sorry i didnt answer earlier i was sleep lol

well my love i actually would love to answer this bc i had the same issue in school!!

well it seems you have two choices: manifest a better school life or drop out and manifest success without school

i personally decided to drop out, but my mom decided she was gonna do my work for me bc she wanted me to graduate (i was in online.) so i basically got super lucky. you can always manifest something like this but i wouldn’t suggest it because it’s basically cheating lol. but basically i wanted to drop out BECAUSE i fucking hated school like there was so much behind me i couldnt bare to even try to like it, which is, im thinking, how you feel.

(switching to online is also an option, it’s much easier, more comfortable and fun but its still school yk)

you don’t necessarily need school with the law love. you can do anything outside of school and honestly getting out was the best thing ive ever done. don’t take on the societal pressures of being a graduate or doing this or that to be successful because its all false. take on a life of your own. one that you love that brings you joy. i promise you you’ll never look back 💞 even if it’s hard at first. with the law, you have everything in the palm of your hands.

so i would suggest looking at both paths and choosing which one would feel right for you :)

thank you for this ask,, i really wish you the best luck in this new chapter of your life 💝

#vic talks

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mysadnotsolittlelife · 9 months

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I hate my job I really hate my job. I just need to get out of here. And I hate that I can’t afford to quit. The last two months since my brother moved in with me I have been having a shit ton of expenses. I got him a really expensive computer bc he told me he can make money out of it but all he does is fucking play games. I got him a new iPhone. I have been buying him really expensive skincare. He orders doordash 2 times a day. And I also started eating out too bc he starts bitching about the noises when i cook something in the kitchen. Also we’re moving out next month and my rent is gonna go up for $300 .AND IM BUYING HIM A FUCKING CAR RN. Mind you he is 24 -3 years older than me-

Idk man. He has a job he started working a month ago. But he is not making shit from his job and he just doesn’t care since I’m paying for everything. And I had to pay for all of these from my savings which I’ve been saving for college. I literally wasn’t eating, going out to save all that money just so I can go to fucking college.

Also he is going to need a lawyer. I just don’t know.

And he started saying “ yeah whatever I might just quit my job🤷” LIKE!!!! Please man . I’m so fucking tired

#AND I GAINED A SHIT TON OF WEIGHT TOO😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

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thisdreamplace · 1 year

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hi dreamplace. i need some advice. i’ve been wanting to manifest having a hairless body because shaving is like a killer. 💀 it’s so frustrating seeing the 3d with unwanted bs. so i looked into laser hair removal today and I have enough money for the down payment but then i have to pay monthly for the rest. that sounds like shit for me. 😭😭😭 if a do it, i’ll have to force myself to find a job to pay it off. idek if that’ll work out well for me bc life has been such a struggle for me, sadly. in the end, i guess it’s best if I keep trying to manifest the hair away. bc the money situation stresses me out. so ig the i just need advice on, what do you do when the 3d is showing what you don’t want continuously?? it’s not even just the shaving that gets on my nerves, there’s a career path that I want but literally everything i want just never shows but it dangles in my face lol. just like the laser hair removal. i literally got a full consultation with the nicest woman ever. i got excited, just for my ass to not be able to do it. 🤣 it’s sad but i have to laugh. just ugh. i wish i had a secret code to finally get shit to go right for me, even the smallest things. 😩

hewwo <3

if the 3d is continuously not showing me what i want, i move into acceptance and surrender. bc im done. i'm not about to keep getting so caught up in smth when i have a choice, and could be using my time to enjoy whats going on in my present life. period !

here's the thing about it, u have to feel out ur feelings and allow them to be there. allow the disappointment and frustration but also surrender to it. it essentially feels like giving up. the thing is, u get a lot more clear about everything thru this and youre not so clouded by ur own fears anymore. for example, in ur ask u are so focused on how hard u think ur life is. but its like. to be fair i'm not going to tell u to keep sitting there and trying to force in ur hair being gone thru a manifestation bc clearly its been frustrating for u. however ! even after being so close to get what u want, instead of being open to it u went back to the drawing board talkin about some "even if i got a job whats the point nothing works out well" like !! wat ? how are u going to let life change and allow in ur blessings when u rather reject them... immediately ! so what if u fail ? u did smth different, u stopped pouting about lack and u tried to do smth u enjoyed. that counts for so much more than people give it credit for !! i would really urge u to stop using ur life till now as a blueprint and allow life, when it comes knocking with opportunities, and to allow yourself, to be open to whats coming into view for u. the more u focus on that and less on problems (past or imaginary) the more you'll see things shifting. thats just a fact ! plus i do wanna say too many of yall are obsessed with these wizard results (idk how else to call them rn) that u can't even see a success in front of you. and trust ik those type of successes exist bc it has happened to me plenty. but ALSO. life is a journey before it is wizards of waverly place. in my mind, i would have been like omg ! laser hair removal ! i can afford it rn and the consultation was great ! THIS MUST BE IT. but u saw it is as NOT a successful manifestation and ur saying maybe u should just sit there hoping ur hair disappears ? idgi. sometimes things just kinda appear, thats true. sometimes you actually go through a process and get to experience life. and that is amazing and exciting !

also emphasis on ALLOWING. allowing change, allowing opportunities, allowing emotions, allowing fears, allowing life to be what you want. bc rn this was a moment for u to see even if life gives u what u want, ur not going to allow it. but like a post i recently reblogged said, an anon was saying how they finally realized they already had so much of what they were sitting there thinking they lacked ! like omg, its so insane but so beautiful when we wake up to it. u only saw obstacles in that moment, which highlights ur focus ! let this be a moment of renewal and moving forward in an entirely diff direction ! <3

the secret code is fully you and the way you are perceiving life. its not any technique or challenge out there. our good doctor joe dispenza could really help u on this if u like reading. reading his book, "breaking the habit of being yourself" was the most pivotal thing for me to finally realize how i had been so caught up in who i thought i was, that i wouldnt even allow things to be different and yet i would sit there frustrated about why my 3d isnt shifting in the ways i intended. that book really makes you confront who you actually live as, and helps you start making the shifts into who you actually want to be. this is how your life begins to truly change.

#this ended up much longer than i intended #but i hope it is helpful <3

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hellhoundlair · 1 year

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fuck it im writing an old deviantart vent journal bc its what i need rn

had a medical appointment yesterday to try and figure shit out thats going on with me. it costed over a weeks worth of work for me and no new info on my problem has been uncovered. because i have no new info im probably going to require even more expensive appointments and its going to cost so fucking much.

im living with my family and not doing school or anything, i can afford to have my weekly wage go towards appointment, im also recieving pension money too so im still actively making money. but i have so much anxiety around money and have set this mental rule that im not allowed to spend a certain amount of money from my job every week and these appointments have bulldozed that mental rule and its distressing. especially when nothing comes of the appointments it just makes me feel like my money is going no where and like shit is for nothing lol. i also almost got hit by a van today at work and it makes me want to give up on it. it being either work or trying to figure out my medical issues. i know i cant do that i shoudnt do that but its rly not feeling worth it rn. im just. having a rly bad week so far.

listening to: drunk drivers/killer whales by car seat headrest

eating: just ate a nutella banana sandwich :)

mood: extremely demoralised

#vent

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babycatlix · 9 months

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hi friends 💖

just checking in! i know i've been a little inactive lately, besides my queue and me occasionally reblogging old sets that have hit milestones, i haven't really been here. don't worry, i'm not leaving or taking a hiatus... there will be a TL;DR at the end bc i know not everyone cares about these posts, which is totally okay!

there is a reason for my inactiveness, i've been a little distracted lately but mostly distracted this week. i had planned to make more gifsets, but my laptop keeps disconnecting from the internet randomly (a fairly new issue) and the internal fan keeps turning on (an ongoing issue); it's on rn and the only thing i have open is chrome to make this post, which is making my laptop overheat; making it run a lot slower.

since this has been happening, i asked my parents if i could possibly replace my laptop with a desktop computer. i am an apple kid (there is no right between macs or pcs; it's all personal opinion!), so i do want to get an imac. i've actually wanted an imac for a while now, but i didn't get one when my parents offered to buy me my laptop back in 2016, when i was let go from my previous job, that treated me terribly. the stipulation for my parents actually buying my laptop was it HAD to be a laptop. their thinking was that i would need a laptop if i got another graphic design job... which i never did. if i had gotten a desktop back then, i would've had to pay for it, which i didn't have the money for. so i took the generosity of my parents and i got my current laptop, which i do love and will forever be grateful for. but my laptop is approaching 8 years old, which is pretty old for a macbook pro. it is still up to date with the latest software, but it just runs so slow due to age. another reason i want an imac, i can't keep sitting in my bed on a laptop, i need to sit at a desk. my chronic back pain has been getting worse and i know it's partly due to how i sit in my bed all the time on my laptop.

but a lot of things need to happen before i can even get the new computer, i need to get a new desk that will accommodate the new computer, i need a new chair; the one i currently have has zero back support which i need, and i really want a nice customized mechanical keyboard. so i've been busy this week looking at keyboards, desks, and computer chairs. my parents agreed to pay for half of the imac as a hanukkah gift! so i have time to get everything together. and of course not all of these are things that i need to have to get the new computer, but they are things i want.

i've wanted a nice mechanical keyboard for a while and i do love my current mechanical keyboard, RK84. i use it for work and everyone loves the RGB effects on it! but i want one that i have completely customized. the board, switches, and keycaps. ironically, the keyboard i've been looking at is the same keyboard that felix customized and showed off recently, the GMMK Pro, which for some reason is really hated OR really loved in the mechanical keyboard community... but i really just want the board part. i want a heavy metal keyboard, but i don't know what switches i want yet or what keycaps i want. it's funny though bc the current switches i'm used to are glorious switches, they're the purple kailh pros. i love them, but i don't know if they're what want i want for my at-home typing and gifmaking. i'm using them right now to type this post. they are really good for quick typing but still have a little bump to let you know that you've hit the key hard enough. so they're great for work where i type emails daily.

the keycaps i'm also interested in, akko black translucent w/ green print, may need to have a special switch so that the RGB on the keyboard shines through better. i brought my RK84 home to actually change the keycaps so i can test out the ASA profile of the keys for a while before i actually decide on the keycaps. but the only type available is linear switches, which in the past, were too sensitive for me. i would always knock into incorrect keys when typing and make a lot of mistakes. but i'm really used to typing on a mechanical keyboard now (so used to it that i hate flat mac keyboards now lol), so the linear switches may not be an issue now.

anyway, i know that was a lot and again, it's okay if you didn't read any of it and just scrolled down here to see the cliff notes version:

TL;DR: i know i've been a little inactive lately, but i've been distracted with trying to update my desk setup. and my laptop keeps disconnecting from the internet making it harder for me to actually upload gifsets. but i'm going to try to at least make gifs this weekend. i may or may not be able to actually have them drafted.

i hope you're all doing well. if no one's told you recently, i'm proud of you and you're doing great! 💖 please stay safe out there and stay hydrated my friends! 💖

#🐱 rambles

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that-cheer-up-anon · 2 years

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Big life update!

So! A LOT has happened in my life lately and I just kinda didn't know when or how to say it, but I'm so excited for all these changes - GOOD CHANGES - in my life and want to scream about it all and need to get it all out.

So I've been in a long distance relationship since mid-April, and my partner came back to my city JUST LAST WEEK. LITERALLY A WEEK AGO. It's been wonderful having him around in person 🥰

We've been trying to find a place to rent to move in together all month so travelling to the city for my job is less taxing on me, but I don't want to keep doing my hotel city job bc

Hard exhausting physical labour

It's far from family and friends that we want to actually keep in touch w and visit

Housing is stupid expensive in the areas we were looking

I don't even want to be in the hotel hospitality industry

This job was just so I could earn some money and get an in on the workforce

So we changed plans and I decided to not move closer to the city for my hotel job, and instead stay more in the area I'm currently living and try to get a beauty job nearby. Even if it sucks at least it's in the beauty industry which I'm interested in and already have qualifications for. My partner is very supportive and wants to support me in my career, and luckily doesn't really care where we live.

ANYWAY! JUST GOT A PLACE! AND THE LEASE STARTS TODAY! GETTING THE KEYS TODAY AFTER WORK! IT'S NICE AND CLOSE TO WHAT WE WANT IN A HOUSE! ALSO IT'S SUPER CLOSE TO MY BESTIE OF WHOM I AM LIVING W RN WHICH IS SUPER AWESOME

Also put in a beauty job application yesterday morning and had an interview! I THINK it went well! Good pay and I won't have to travel far!

Moving in stuff tomorrow! So excited to live w my partner!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!;!;;!!

#Ella life #Ella thoughts

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symptoms-syndrome · 2 years

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Venting? Just don't want this reblogged so. No TWs apply. Comment if you want but like. I'm not in charge of u LOL u don't even have to read this if u don't wanna. It's just interpersonal drama.

My roommate is mad at me, I think. The good one, the shitty ones are always mad at me LOL. I'm trying to keep in mind that that's literally her problem and not mine to solve, but that's hard.

Basically, I had told her about my interview yesterday (which went really well!) And I was really excited about how it went. I shared how the executive director shared his salary with me, and how it's only $10k more than the base salary of the lowest paid employee. She says something along the lines of "oh, well then that's not much room to move up." That kinda annoys me, because it's nonprofit work so I'm not trying to climb any corporate ladders, and because the base pay is already way more than I (or she) make now, but whatever. I say that that's good. She goes on about how I should've asked if they adjust for inflation. I said that I trust this org to care about fair pay, because I do, the ED sharing his salary unprompted and making not much more than the base salary shows me that they care deeply, the rest of the interview showed me they care deeply about their workers, and I have a history of working adjacent to them for a long time due to my general. Having worked in a lot of local, queer focused nonprofits. She goes on to talk about her mom and how she got fucked over bc she was told in 1980 something salary capped out at $45k and how that was really good for then but now it's still capped at $45k etc. I'm like ok. She says smth along the lines of "I'm just very cynical and distrusting of institutions." And I said "I know," and I think that's what pissed her off because she's been giving the silent pouty treatment all last night and all of this morning. Which would've upset me a lot more a few months ago or years ago, but I've really tried bending over backwards to care when she does that and nah it never works so she's gonna have to work that out on her own.

I feel like she's gonna tell me later about how I hurt her feelings by saying that, but TBH I do not care. Not that I don't care that she feels hurt, but I do not care about her cynicism!!! It's unwelcome!!! 1. I know what I'm doing, I'm not stupid and it feels insulting she doesn't trust me to make decisions about my own career 2. She didn't even say anything like 'congrats on the interview' or 'im happy it went well' or anything!!! Straight to "what about the pay tho" when the pay is literally fine! It's very good actually! It's way more than both of us make bc we're both working retail RN. And 3. As I said like. We're both working retail. She's in her 30s and like. There's nothing wrong with working retail in ur 30s (TBH I might, if I don't get this job, and that would be fine w me bc I like the job I have) but it feels so out of place for her to be all up in arms about my salary if she's not making salary at all. Like I would still be annoyed if she was making like, $100k and was lecturing me about asking about this sort of thing but it's like. Why do you even care. More money than I make now is good, I would actually be fine with making even slightly more money than I make now. And not to brag but this isn't slightly more.

Plus the fact that like. It's nonprofit work. I'm genuinely not in it for the money. Ofc I have a base level of "I need to make enough to get my needs covered" but I'm not out here trying to be the next Elon Musk or conquer the financial district. This would be a job that would mean a lot to me and I'd be passionate about, and it's awesome that I'd be getting paid enough to maybe even rent a one bedroom apartment, eventually buy a house maybe, get my needs met and not need to worry about scrounging.

I just don't know what I'm gonna do if she cries to me about how me saying I know she's cynical and pessimistic made her feel bad. It's literally not my problem like at all IMO. She knows I'm not pessimistic like her and she knows her endless pessimism annoys me because I tell her like all the time. She complains and I'm like ok or I'm like "I don't rly think so" or whatever. And like I get she's Struggling With Mental Health™ but like??? Me too!!! It comes back to smth I said wayyy back here when I was like. This attitude I have is not just chance like I didn't just stumble upon feeling good about myself and my future it took a LOT of hard work and a LOT of challenging my own negative, pessimistic thoughts and I don't appreciate crabs in the bucket trying to drag me down to their level, even unintentionally.

I just also know she's like...mega sensitive and that's sooo not how I am. And I know some things I do can flip her emotional switches (like, for example, not caring a ton/being invested in the stuff she's into like movies or shows, she's a big cinephile and I am...not, I don't get a lot of the more artsy movies she shows me but I'm polite about it,) but like. I have made a lot of progress in deciding when that's actually my problem or my responsibility or my fault and in a lot of cases it really is not. And I can hope that by not chasing after her every emotional need she can learn to handle shit herself. Which, if I'm being mean I would say she should've figured out by now. She has made some level of progress with that though. It's just that she seems like. Very emotionally connected (?) to me, I'm apparently very important to her and her primary Person in her life she cares about (she's said as much, in different ways. She says she's never felt as connected w someone as she feels w me, which if I'm being honest might be primarily on account of us both being autistic) which can be honestly kinda triggering for me, but in a way where I get more...annoyed than upset? I just very much do not like codependency I very much need my own independence. Which I have, I didn't always have it but I do now. So now she's just dependent on me and I feel I've set real firm boundaries in terms of like. How much energy I invest and time I spend w her despite both living and working in the same place. At this point all I can do is like. Send out psychic "please get other friends u can hang out with" energies her way LMAO. Which she is working on it seems. I've been real busy so she had a movie night w a mutual friend of ours without me, though she had expected me to be there. I'm just like........aaaaa!!!

Plus I know I'm going to have to have a conversation w her about when new roommates move in, bc she can have a really hard time w change. She threw a real big fit when these roommates moved in and wanted to put a coffee table in the living room. I'm hoping she's better this time around. I think she can really lack...self awareness, but hopefully she's worked on that more? It seems she has. It's just hard to know what standard I can hold people to. I really shouldn't hold them to the standard of me, because I've realized that bar is actually kind of high.

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