#i have bpd and i couldnt physically think of anything but them until the day i split then we gradually drifted | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mywildloves · 5 years

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I found a new (to me) blog that chronicles a person with borderline personality disorder, which I was diagnosed with (among other things like major depressive disorder, and panic attack disorder). I follow a few of those blogs and over and over again it amazes me how exact the sentiments between all of them, us when you include myself, are.

My whole life I knew there was something wrong with me but couldnt pin it. I had seen psychologists and been in therapy since the third grade and it wasnt until my second stay in the hospital (at the age of 34) that they finally gave me a diagnosis that made sense. I used to constantly ask, 'What the fuck is wrong with me? Like, seriously, what?', out loud to people in my family, to Jared, to friends. I knew that Ibwas not "normal". I knew that it couldnt be everyone else because when you go around thinking that everyone else is a jerk, guess what? Youre the jerk. I knew it was me, I just didnt know what it was or how to fix it. Now, when I read these peoples posts I always find at least one somewhere down the scroll road that says something like, 'I could never figure out what the fuck was wrong with me until they diagnosed me.' *FUCKING DING DING DING*

You might be thinking that that's true of *any* physical ailment, but borderline is a really hard disorder to diagnose. To the point where some psychiatrists dont even believe the disorder exists. Some believe that it's a combination of multiple disorders, rather than one specific disorder. Call it what you want, I call it a living hell.

My symptoms have been coming back because I'm not using the skills I learned in DBT (Dialectic Behavioral Therapy) at all. I've got my binder in a drawer and it hasnt seen the light of day in months. I dont even *want* to crack it open I'm so tired of this being an uphill battle and having to fight my way through the muck inside my head while raising two boys (poorly) and desperately trying to summon the motivation to keep my business alive, the apartment clean, and our finances under control. It's almost June and I've made little to no money because I haven't been pushing it at all. I haven't cleaned my bedroom in months, I wait for the dishes to pile up before I wash them, I have THE HARDEST TIME getting out of bed and sometimes I dont. I'm here with two kids and I'm like whatever 😴😴😴. Its not good, it's not healthy, and what's worse is that I dont have it in me to do anything about it. Take your big girl pants and choke on them, ok? Fuck that shit. I'm tired, I'm fucking tired. I dont want to live my life like this. Not the lack of motivation or the cleaning, but the having to pull myself out of the abyss and try to rewire my brain to think differently. And it's all day, everything I do has to come with some kind of skill I'm supposed to practice. I cant keep it all up, so I've just given up entirely. My brain just says no and it tells my body the same thing and theres a part of me that can see all of this happening and still cant win the fight against the others.

Jared asked me if reading other bpd blogs was helpful or if it made me feel worse (he knows how I do the thing where I'll trigger myself on purpose following my compulsions to the limit and having no will power whatsoever, which might include reading other peoples posts about their experiences with bpd) , and honestly it makes me feel better. I think a lot of people with bpd identify with feeling alone in the world, mostly because our behavior and line of thinking makes it hard to maintain relationships, have friends, keep a job, pay bills on time, etc. When you feel separated from society because seemingly every task that most people can do normally (like have a conversation with someone that doesnt turn out totally weird, or behave professionally in a workplace) you fucking cant, it's a lonely feeling. Im smart. Why cant I do these simple things and the majority of other people can??? When you've lost all of your friends and severed relationships over dumb ass nonsense, you feel alone. At some point you've lost everyone and everything and have no one but yourself to talk to, and that can be dangerous when you dont even know who you are and you have triggers and compulsions and recklessness is a part of your routine. So I'm grateful for the others who have the courage to write honestly about what they experience on a day to day basis. It makes me feel like I'm not alone, and it's nice to find comfort somewhere when you always feel uncomfortable.

#borderline personality disorder #bpd #actually bpd #bpd thoughts #dialectic behavioral therapy #dbt skills #dbt

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ushizaki-urumi · 6 years

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Around this time last year I was in an extremely bad place. I wasn't on medication for my mental disorders, and hadn't even been diagnosed with bpd. Fights with my s/o were nearly daily and very bad bc of my bpd that I didnt even know I had. I couldn't even see how angry I was getting over the littlest things and often took them out on her. I was physically and mentally hurting myself nearly constantly. My job was driving me to literal exhaustion under the constant time sensitive and brutal tasks I was assigned. Nearly daily I felt faint and debated just giving up and letting myself fall to the ground to get away from work for even a few hours. I frequently stayed home from work just to drink and cry. I had 2 planned options of suicide that I kept trying to decide between, and wrote my suicide note again and again in my head, blaming everyone for everything. I had a very small support system which I mostly shunned away with my anger and self isolation. I had tried time and time again to find a doctor to help me get on antidepressants, but failed time after time after time.

But I held on. Even though every day was hell. Even though I was aching constantly. Even though I was scared and angry. Even though I was positive I couldnt make it through another day.

And that's only because I fought.

I forced myself to accept what little help my support group gave me through the wall I had built up. My s/o, father, and few friends never gave up on me. Of course they had times when I was too much for them. And I dont blame them for that. But regardless even talking to someone a little helped.

And ultimately it came down to one stupid comment that saved my life. Whenever I started making legitimate plans to kill myself, I thought of it and it kept me going.

It was so small and insignificant, but it meant something indescribable to me

"If you killed yourself, the boys (our 2 cats) wouldn't know where you went. They would see your body be carried away, but they'd never understand where you went and why."

My s/o said that. If she hadn't, I'd almost positively be dead.

Now, 1 year later my life has completely changed for the better. I managed to find a doctor finally. I'm on medication that is helping beyond words. My s/o and I have patched things up and are very happy together, probably even more so then when we were first in the puppy love period of our early relationship. I'm FINALLY going back to college after about 3 off years, and I'm going to my dream school for a degree that I can use to do a career that I love instead of working at an exhausting miserable job for the rest of my life. I'm moving states over just to do this, and will be living in my very own (rented) TOWNHOUSE with my s/o, which is basically a miracle for a millennial like myself. The cats that saved my life are coming with us of course. I'm able to take care of myself and my loved ones now.

Basically, what I'm saying is that that whole "It gets better" thing is true. Even if you feel completely alone, even though it would be so much easier to just end it all. It will get better.

You need to find things to hold onto them and NEVER let go. Even if it's a few sentences from a friend that you exchange every day. Even if it's an off handed comment that makes you keep fighting. Even if it's just the smallest thing like waking up a little early every morning to see a dog being walked outside your window.

Hold on as tight and close as you can to it, until you're able to get professional help. And even after that, dont let go because not everything will be solved immediately. Get yourself professionally diagnosed, get yourself on medication.

DON'T let tumblrs attitude towards mental health let it get worse. Dont fucking wear your disorders like something just to get attention. Don't let the all the self deprecation jokes make you think anything less of yourself. Dont self diagnose. And don't blame others when they need time to themselves.

Keep yourself strong. Get help. Take care of yourself. Keep fighting.

#long post #personal #suicide mention #read more

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slowdancingtosade · 6 years

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Borderline sucks.

yeah borderlines cheat and flirt with everyone and are capable of obsessing over many people and we do get hurt and the pain is indescribable but we’re able to move on within days because of our inability to feel emotional permanence. i personally am able to survive any situation and return to sanity within a few days. there was no one who could have destroyed me until i met her. i couldnt even fathom what i felt for her. i’ve never experienced this type of heartbreak before. my usual routine of moving on isnt working. the thought of another girl makes me want to throw up. i can not exist without her. i can not distract myself. everything is a trigger. i feel like the most sensitive person in the world. i had to isolate myself from everything because i am not safe. i know there are people who never get to experience this kind of love in their lifetime so i dont know if i was lucky or cursed. i just want to be able to see a future without her. the one emotion i could never fully grasp is loyalty. my feelings were always changing and i always wanted more. now that i’ve felt her i dont know how to stop being loyal. i do not know how to unlove her. i dont know if anything can help me.

Send help. Please.

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slowdancingtosade · 7 years

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i dont think non mentally ill people understand the severity of bpd. heartbreak feels like physical pain. i rather be dead than to think of you with someone else. i rather break all my bones than to remember how you do not love me. my first heartbreak landed me in the mental hospital and i thought that was it, i wouldnt ever love again but then i met you and i’ve known of your existence for 5 years and i still cant comprehend how in love i am with you. thinking about how much i love you gives me chest burns. it makes me want to throw up and sometimes i do. i never felt safe with what i feel for you and now it’s even worse. i was just beginning to trust you. as much as i love you i can never trust you again. i literally can not stay sober because sober me can not handle it. ive spent years protecting myself from this type of situation and now i do not know what to do. if the alcohol doesnt kill me then my love for you will. the reality of bpd is not pretty and it is not something u want to have. it will consume you no matter how hard you try to be sane. no matter how much u tell urself u are okay. you are not okay. that love and attention you can not live without will end up killing you. there is no way to survive this. the only people who have BPD and are happy are the ones who settled for nice men/women who wont hurt them. im the most sane when im in relationships w someone i do not love or someone who loves me more than i love them. you have to choose between happiness and sanity and yeah it might seem extreme but thats what this disorder is. yeah borderlines cheat and flirt with everyone and are capable of obsessing over many people and we do get hurt and the pain is indescribable but we’re able to move on within days because of our inability to feel emotional permanence. i personally am able to survive any situation and return to sanity within a few days. there was no one who could have destroyed me until i met her. i couldnt even fathom what i felt for her. i’ve never experienced this type of heartbreak before. my usual routine of moving on isnt working. the thought of another girl makes me want to throw up. i can not exist without her. i can not distract myself. everything is a trigger. i feel like the most sensitive person in the world. i had to isolate myself from everything because i am not safe. i know there are people who never get to experience this kind of love in their lifetime so i dont know if i was lucky or cursed. i just want to be able to see a future without her. the one emotion i could never fully grasp is loyalty. my feelings were always changing and i always wanted more. now that i’ve felt her i dont know how to stop being loyal. i do not know how to unlove her. i dont know if anything can help me. Send help. Please.

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