#i have cursed myself to be thinking about it x2 as often because it's both the game im obsessed with and my main mascot Silent

[gg-astrology]

Can you tell us 10 things about you? and about ur friends irl? How u met them/ how long u know them/ what u like to do with them? This is gonna sound nosy but how's ur love life hdjsks LISTEN YOU'RE LIKE MY DREAM BEST FRIEND AND I WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU AND ACT LIKE WE'RE TOTES HOMIES OKAY IM A VIRGO SUN PISCES MOON smh a girl is cURIOUS AND (platonically) IN LOVE WITH YOU 😖❤❤❤❤

Hey there!! 💕💓❤️ Oh wow!!!! 💕💓❤️💕💓❤️ Don’t worry this is fine!! I’m actually -- like, really happy and giddily flustered you’d want to get to know me!? 💕💓❤️ I’m really flattered and really grateful/touched aaaaaaa only virgo/pisces deserve rights, my current wife is also a virgo/pisces this is obviously some kind of synastry destiny (jk *wink wonk?*)!! 💕💓❤️thank you for caring about me!!! 💕💓❤️💕💓❤️💕💓❤️💕💓❤️

Yeah sure!! 💕💓❤️I can tell you more things about me!! 💕💓❤️

Disclaimer? I think it’s good for the audience to know where I’m coming from and who I am? I just think transparency/knowing who you’re talking to is important because knowing who I am, can also help you and me see where my flaws are and where I may be coming from! 💕💓❤️ Or what I provide, but where I might miss my mark somewhere, y know? 💕💓❤️ Not to say you have to judge me, I just don’t see the point in not just being who I am and saying yeah I can see where I took the L there. It’s just-- better? for future endeavors as well? So here we are? 

More about me? In sections?

10 things about me? 

I’ll start with this since it’s the shortest!

This may come off as totally random but I do better in colder climate than hotter ones -- even though I currently live in a tropical island 

I used to live in the US!

I actually have a designated place where I go to sit, open up my laptop and answer asks from tumblr. I sit outside my little patio and stare out at my garden, and then answer qs from here!

This means I’m always subjected to the Wild Life coming at me unexpectedly sometimes, but my cat also visits me at my table! So it balances out! 

My favourite drink is milk but I like plant-based ones, or rice milk? Or the lactose free ones! They’re delicious! 

Cherries are my favourite snacks but I usually get them once every 3 months -- so the result is I don’t tend to snack often. This is by design of me trying to Not Snack + using my pickiness to weaponize against myself and my eating habits.

To unwind I watch cat/animal videos on youtube before I go to sleep - it’s not very effective because I have to keep my eyes open to see, plus I always end up making cooing noises at the screen -- so I’m not sure when if it’s actually making me sleepy or not. But it’s working so far so I’m continuing to do it.

I have very specific knowledge of certain things in very acute details + link/resources of further studies on the topic, but otherwise I have 0.5 braincells most of the time, just a lot of Forbidden Knowledge.

I have a folder of cursed memes and that’s all you need to know about my sense of humour I think? 

Love life?

I am currently single! 💕💓❤️ Gf application is always open! 💕💓❤️ However, I’d like everyone of you to know I’m a 95 liner and I will not accept applications from those born after 98′ 💕💓❤️

Although I’m bi + had ex-bf before... I am (as of right now) on the fence about men personally in my personal life (disclaimer) because I’ve got a week of quarantine, thus I haven’t been doing the do and can think clearly for once. I am contemplating. Men. And the necessity in life. Y know? 

Although my love life is free!! I am not excused from the occasional panic of having a crush (annually). I’m lucky enough to go through it just once every year, but every time it happens I am an absolutely clown + always in turmoil. It’s what happens when you’re a sag venus who can’t control your p***y brain. Luckily, my crush just have to insult me or make me explain things from my past and then I’d be too traumatize to crush on them again. It’s quite effective, and works out best for all of us! 💕💓❤️

I’ll refrain from talking about my ex because I know I have a habit of recounting the good and being mushy. Even if we ended it on rocky terms. So! I’ll save everyone from that. 💕💓❤️    

Friends (expanded, clarifications?) 

The ones I mention on the blog are usually 

taurus/taurus, 

cancer/cancer, 

leo/libra, 

leo/cap (x2), 

virgo/sag, 

libra/aries (x2), 

scorpio/sag, 

scorpio/cap, 

sag/taurus, 

pisces/scorpio, 

pisces/aqua,  

Oof that’s alot.. This might be better to outline in a timeline format... so leo/libra, scorpio/sag, libra/aries and partially virgo/sag are whom I grew up for the majority of my childhood-teenage life! 💕💓❤️ 

They obviously made a very big impact on me! 💕💓❤️ They’re with me through thick/thin, leo/libra (sag rising) is the extrovert of the bunch. He’s one of my best friends, close guy friend, most of the time I too find him a little exasperating because he’s.. well its his problem so nevermind, but he’s also very endearing! 💕💓❤️ If it wasn’t for him-- well, there’s also another leo I thought was very endearing in a little brother kind of way. So leos to me have a very positive influence in my life, they’re very cute especially when they ask for your attention. I think they are like puppies/kitties when they are needy, and their blatant way of just being themselves always makes me feel refreshed + I  admire them for it. In the end, I’m totally heart-eyes endeared for Leos! 💕💓❤️

Scorpio/sag is also my best friend! 💕💓❤️ She’s a taurus rising, and she’s so sweet, kind, chatty and very open/friendly to people! 💕💓❤️ Her, my cousin (who’s also a scorpio but a scorpio/pisces), and quite a few of my other best friends who are scorpios - actually made me realize they’re not like what they’re usually describe as. Maybe that’s just me? But I think they’re very sweet and comforting to be around, not to mention they’re quite supportive and willing to listen when you’re having a tough time with something!! 💕💓❤️The pillar of support and one of the few rare people I don’t mind interacting with (actually crave interacting with them) because of just how chill they are, I wish more people recognize that in a scorpio! 💕💓❤️

Libra/Aries is one of my longest childhood friend, probably from birth! 💕💓❤️ He’s a supportive big brother type figure. But he can be very silly and he doesn’t hold himself so seriously most of the time! 💕💓❤️ Whilst he’s very understanding and quite nosy with others, he tries to be subtle/sleek but he isn’t! I think he’s very endearing when he wants to be, and he deserves someone who loves him lots as well 💕💓❤️ We reunited for the first time in 6 years the other day? And I think we both ended up crying a little and holding hands because we miss each other alot! 💕💓❤️ It was very nice, I think he’s much more emotional (just suppressed) than what people realize! 💕💓❤️ He’s very caring though - like willing to talk you through your problems and make sure you’re taken care of, back on your feet, but also willing to smile scarily at people who’ve hurt you and actually take them to court/yell at them for you. I think its very sweet! 💕💓❤️

Virgo/Sag is someone I hung out with for a short period of time, but kept in contact with periodically throughout my life because we ended up going through similar majors/path in life! 💕💓❤️ She’s someone who’s very caring, wants to take care of you, when she’s endeared by you she makes sure to dote on you often! 💕💓❤️ Actually, she’s born a day after Namjoon I think? But that’s not the point, the thing is - she’s my virgo/sag and when she’s not by my virgo/sag she’s super cool and I can see that many of our friend respects her/think she’s very mature + she’s the Shit! 💕💓❤️ I really admire her too and I think she’s super cool, but more than that, I love how caring and tender she is. She’s the best 💕💓❤️

These are the people I grew up with, and then I went to college and met/lived with Scorpio/Cap + Pisces/Scorpio+Aqua. 

Scorpio/Cap and I actually hit it off since the first day? We were in orientation, and we’re both talkative I guess! But in similar ways. He appreciates my bluntness/sense of humour and I like that he’s sarcastic and the only one engaging enough to be around/paying attention to what’s happening. We went to a house party together and then had 1 class together the semester. After that, me and him decided we’d live together off campus (along with our other friend who fell through, I think he’s a Leo?) - whilst we lived together we share majors in the same division, on holidays or at night after class, we’d grab dinner together + walk there, or we’d eat at home and binge watch a marathon he’d pick together. 💕💓❤️ It’s really fun! 💕💓❤️ 

Both of us like cooking, so he’d make dishes/drinks and I’d do that and we’d coerced each other to hang out in the living space together. Basically, we’re there to force each other to socialize/hang out with people and also encourage each other. It’s very fun! But we also had moments where we’d buy each other dinner/go to art galleries/exhibit together. There’s more serious too of course, like talking about our problems or worrying about stuff. But I think I found someone who looks out for me/I can look out for him, be confidants for each other and not be embarrassed with each other. Besides this, he also found my p0rn collection and suddenly mentioned it when we’re on campus so now I can never unfriend him because he has blackmail material on me. I’m forced to be his friends forever now. 

Pisces/Cap and Pisces/Aqua are my roommates after Scorpio/Cap - actually, Pisces/cap invited me to live with them when I was finding a place, it was very fortunate! 💕💓❤️ We’re all close friends because we live in the same hall during first year, plus me and Pisces/cap (and a Gemini friend) would get drunk + go to parties together so!! This is very convenient! 💕💓❤️

Actually.. Pisces/cap, me and Gemini friend.. I went with Gemini friend to buy his apartment with him (along with his friends, I’m good friends with them too) and Pisces/cap went with him to buy furnitures lmao! 💕💓❤️ And then me and Pisces/cap moved in together, although I didn’t room with them. I roomed with Pisces/Aqua whom till this date is my favourite roommate I’ve ever lived with! 💕💓❤️

It’s a little messy with Pisces/Cap but not in a? bad way? at all? Like we’re close friends who still talk often, but they did confess once over the holidays, and I turned them down (that was when I was about to move in) - we did make out along with pisces/aqua but like.. that’s... I guess that’s normal for college y know? We did a couple projects together for their class, like a comic about me and gemini friend, poems, photography, I drew them something. And I think they did have something with Gemini friend as well but! Gemini friend moved away on the last year so it never went anywhere there. 

But these are all good memories we had together and it’s not like-- bad at all, I don’t ever think badly at them for it because it was honest to them/for them, it was their emotions and tenderness from the heart? I can’t ever look down on anyone for that or judge them for being true to themselves, I actually think they’re very brave to be able to heal themselves and process things especially involving emotions like that. I also think these are all precious and honest memories, being friends with them definitely helped me grow my EQ by so much. Without them, I’d be very close-minded today! 💕💓❤️ 

Pisces/aqua is my roommate for a long time, and I love them to bits too! 💕💓❤️ They have two cats, both I love so so much and would sacrifice getting up for very often! 💕💓❤️ More than that, Pisces/aqua is so smart and able to pick things up immediately! It’s honestly very admirable, how they pierce things together. Whether it’s tarot or astrology, they’re the one who got me into this actually? 💕💓❤️ It was their interest before it became mine through proxy or maybe osmosis lmao, but they’re quite judgey and sometimes have a ? idk, superiority complex/elitist attitude towards stuff sometimes? So I never really talked about it much with them because it can get really frustrating sometimes 💕💓❤️ I do love them lots though, I can be ignorant of a lot of things and really slow on the uptake, but they’re very nice and kind and patient with me - honestly they’re as patient as a saint sometimes with me. And I’m really really thankful to them for it! 💕💓❤️ They’re getting married this year to a Scorpio! 💕💓❤️

Taurus/taurus and Cancer/cancer are my college best friends. Actually we hang out outside of class too! 💕💓❤️ I celebrated cancer/cancer’s birthday with them and their friends/roommates and it’s really fun. Heres why it’s -- like, momentous. It’s because my college classmates are more like colleagues or co-workers, so we don’t usually have that kind of camaraderie outside of first year. Plus, we’re all kind of working or busy with our private life outside of class - so it’s hard to reconvene that with who you know in classrooms. 

They like their private life separated from the college one, which is what I prefer as well. I really adore them though, since we have a major that usually makes us get little to no sleep and have to stay at school at night-till morning most nights (for programs on the computer or printing facilities, rip) -- they’re the one who would either stay up with me, working together at the same table and we can ask each other for fresh eyes on our work. Or they’d motivate me to go home and not be stupid to stay at school. Or they’d drive me home so they know I get back safely/on time. It’s just -- I adore them so much they’re very very good! 💕💓❤️

Taurus/Taurus is also a college best friend whom I befriended later on in the years, they’re really sweet! 💕💓❤️ We have more of a friendship where we spend time outside together, walking in the city trying out a new cake store or just going back to their place to play games or talk about what else we have going on in our lives. They’re really busy!! Since they’re involved in church activities, they travel to another town an hour away every sunday - their dedication to their work, school and church (AND spending time with their fiance’s family + fiance) is amazing! 💕💓❤️ They also got me my first job at the firm they’re working in, in our last years - I made sure they’re not too tired and get their work done on time so they don’t rush their finished project. Or give better advice if the teacher is making them fume. I really like them lots too, we had alot of fun together AND they’re a foodie! 💕💓❤️

There’s another Libra/Aries whom I knew from college, while I was still living with Scorpio/Cap - I was in another town/not the same town as the Pisces back then. But Libra/Aries was close and she’d come by often! We’d travel the city together, lay on the lawn, go to parks together or exhibit. They’re very proactive and we spend a lot of time talking about work and projects, personal interests, when we watch movies together - we’d spend time sitting in cafes after watching them to talk for hours/until closing about the movie ( ‘we have alot to unpack’) -- they’re a lot of fun to talk to because they’re just as intense about stuff! 💕💓❤️ And their interest is genuine, give good hugs, a little too loud for our cats but she means well! 💕💓❤️ 

This is brief recount of everyone, mostly focusing on activities we did together but knowing them as people obviously made a big impression on me! 💕💓❤️ 

Leo/Caps are people I met since I finished college/working now, they’re my two admins on the blog actually! 💕💓❤️So internet friends, but I really click with and they’re soothing + fun to be around when I’m home/anywhere! 💕💓❤️ 

Sag/Taurus is also another internet friend, I’ve known her for a year now? But man, every conversation is an adventure and she’s so fun to be around! 💕💓❤️ Also very sweet and an extremely kind person, in a fire sign kind of way. Which means a lot of gawking from me and very loud laughs. But yes! 💕💓❤️ Very good people! 💕💓❤️

I do have friends from work... but well we’re not close enough for me to actually consider them good friends/talk about them personally? They’re nice! But I have yet to form a more positive opinion about them - it’s positive and negative, so I’ll see who survives and come through as a person I’d like to hang out with outside of work. 💕💓❤️

To Virgo/Pisces anon: 

Here’s my best friend application do I make the cut please reply 💕💓❤️

#about me #phew this took a while to answer! #virgo/pisces anon #are we best friends now pls tell me #anon #asks

[mechagalaxy]

John T Mainer 28840:  Happy Faction War to all, lets have a good fight.

I climbed the last of the steps to my Redeemer using the hand holds on the chest vents.  Its a bitch coming down because the Redeemer is a steam powered machine for its internal suspension, so you can get burned bad if you forget to armour up before dismounts after a rough battle, but the Redeemer isn't from around here.  It is a Metaverse machine, from the alternate dimension those lunatics from Xeon and Unification tore open when they decided their civil war couldn't die with their worlds.  The poor innocents in the Metaverse didn't know a lot that we do now, we had to teach them about the Clans, and the way free warriors could stand together against the nations, and keep war from spilling into the cities and turning them into abattoirs filled with civilian dead who had neither stake nor vote in their fate, and had no reason to die for it.  In return, the silly bastards taught us it was possible to build bigger than 100 tons, my Redeemer stands a proud 105, and Ramba Ral's Penner stands a brooding 110.  Time marches on, progress they tell me, but the old ways are still best for some things.

"Berserker Actual this is Slaughter 6, Contact"  Jim Faust was calling on  the Berserkers strategic channel, we were not grouped in our clans, or he would be standing with his Slaugherhouse 5 against what came, and be ground to pieces.  He would be running his local tactical net for the scouts he was running for the Berserkers, and I had Darren, Christine, Rob, and others already coming on line as they heard the Contact call.  Each of them commanded a battle group in the Berserkers, each of them a skilled and proven Clan leader in their own right.  I had a dozen officers on line right now that could take command and run the battle that would develop like seasoned professionals; that was the strength of a Faction, the depth of talent not just in fighters, but in command.  I was going to use it.

"Slaughter 6, break it down, what are we facing?"  I had the tac feed from his machine, that told me what he was facing directly.  He had a dozen Reindeer, some of those crazy orange abortions and blue Vupa Walkers that no sane manufacturer knew how to make on his screen trying to punch through his scouts.  They were screening something, and sensors couldn't tell you what, just a tonnage range from seismic sensors and a rough energy signature that told you not a lot, save that it was making the warbook go schizophrenic as it changed like the best EW known to man, or insane AI in the case of I AM on Vupa 6, could do.  Jim was a pro, he had seen it all, a true leader makes the tough call based on instincts won by surviving based on trusting instincts and committing before your computers had enough to react on.  Faction War gave me enough leaders I could let the man on the scene make the call because he could see enough to guess, and the rest of us could trust it enough to commit like it was our own guess.

"I read it as Elves boss, call it a minimum Legion strength"

Well bite my Yule Log, it was true.  Santa Clause was coming to town.

Orders snapped out almost without thinking.

"Don, Mariea, Holy Damn, Werewolf on me.  Move to the gap at Epsilon 89, echelon right, refuse flank, pivot on me.  We are NOT going to stop them, we are going to turn them, let them push us against the Lesser Ural Mountains.  We make them take the long way to the gate.  Rob, Sten, Caitlyn, get in your Novums and Axebots and get into those hills, I don't want Santa getting any scouts up there to let him know we don't have the Faction behind us, or he will pin and slaughter us, not punch through and break for the gate.  Christine, set up a secondary blocking position at Delta 5, not too strong, let him punch through your center, just harass and slow."

A legion of Elves, 1200 plus of Santa's little helpers, each one cranking top rated cannons, forests of Xmas trees haunting the flanks with Tandem Bomb wide forking missiles to sweep both scouts and mines from their path, and those damned Reindeer scouts with their crazy antler EW suites that jammed higher communication once they closed.  Let them get in close and higher level command became impossible.  In a normal fight, that meant disaster, as troops couldn't respond to changes without orders.  In a good Faction, you had clan level commanders scattered with their command teams throughout the formation, and local command devolved onto someone who was not only up to the job, but used to it.  We couldn't stop them force on force, but we could stop their mission.  It was not about machines in the end, not about niodes or glory, it was about trusting people, and getting the most out of them.

"Berserker Actual to Banzai 6, join me on discrete"  I was calling Darren Jackson from Myth and Legends Team Banzai to play our trump card and shut down Santa for the moment.

"Go for Banzai 6,"  Darren's voice was tired and half awake, and the panting in the background told me he was racing to his machine as we spoke.  Even right from the rack, true professionals were ready for combat.

"Banzai 6, has the Good Doctor worked his usual magic, he thought he might be able to reconstruct that signal that Artemis Molly scrubbed from her Vizi when she got jumped on that courier run for the Craftsmen by the Kanabo Crushers"  Doctor Banzai thought he knew what it was.  He understood gate codes better than Drocha did, and was less likely to destroy the universe with it by playing around, and he thought he saw a Crafstman override in that code.  If he got it, we might be able to stop Santa from breaking through.

"Berserker Actual, Doctor Banzai says it will work, Perfect Tommy says it will just blow up, but New Jersey says the math looks solid, and it will hold for at least a week, two at the outside"  That was Team Banzai for you, mad bad and dangerous to bystanders, but I was a Bunny myself and not over prone to fear or good sense.

"Banzai 6, screen the gate until Doctor B says he's uploaded the code, then let yourself get pushed off it.  Just try to get a trailer on them when they pull back, we need to find out where Santa is staging out of, we need to get the Factions together to stamp him out, or its going to be a White Christmas when his mecha stomp our burned out ashes into the snow.  Get me his vector, and maybe this was worth it"  Dying to buy time is a soldiers job too often, living to buy information is a professionals job.  We were about to see if we were good enough to do it.

The reactors in my Redeemer were shunting power to my amplifiers, my cannons would be running about 130% at base, with about a one in two chance of both x2 and x3 amplification, an outside shot at more, I was more happy with the one in three chance of an outright critical kill, as if the fat man was there himself, nothing less than a critical kill would take him down.  I have seen him take a 12000 point shot to the beard and cut the firing mecha in half with enough left over to shut down both his wingmen and blast the mecha behind right off its legs.  Against him, you were better off praying for lucky than good, he was just too much, well everything.

Paladin was the name of my Redeemer, a tarnished knight with bunny ears was the logo.  That was me, not the strongest by far, there were whole clans of 400 level niode monsters who could brush me aside, there were even people at lower level who had so much power in their lineup that they could stand off my best attacks, match my top lines mecha for mecha, then cut through the back half of my machines like tissue paper because they were top line machines, weapons and gear front to back, and I was, well, not.  Paladin's didn't fight the safe fights, didn't ask for a chance at victory, they raised their banners to defend the weak and damned be any that stood against them (also most who followed them, but hey if you wanted safe, become an accountant, not a mecha jock).

Werewolf howled, and Holy Damn screamed curses of binaric machine cant.  Not what you would call rational, but at least as good of a contact report as I needed.  I translated for those who hadn't twigged in already.

"Shields on full, weapons hot, here they come!"  I screamed as I put my massive ceramite shield in front of me.  Sandwiched layers of Ferro/crystaline armour powered by a shield net that disrupted energy weapons and scrambled incoming missile active targeting systems, it wasn't just a big block of armour to hide behind and shoot, but it was also a big block of armour to hide behind and shoot, because Paladin had over twice the precision of his dodge, because he was here to kill not to survive.  Survival was secondary to mission, so if I wanted to get out of this alive, I had best get tot he shooting.

A howling mob of missiles arched in before the mecha crested the saddle pass, but my shield caused them to thunder in well short or howl past harmlessly.  I read the seismic sensors and plotted the vector of the incoming and fired my Juggernaut as the first signal should reach the crest.  I watched as it caught one of the Elves right at the pointy cap line and slammed the tall machine to the ground as its cockpit soared overhead to land in the rank behind, crashing into another machine at the left shoulder joint, I let my burst wander over the same machine with the last few of that casset before it spat from my gun.  The second line wasn't so perfect anymore.

Seig Zeon my Penner fired next, his cannons were deadlier than mine, and his Elf split in half, showering its neighbors with bits of dead elf.  They got their own back though as a spider like leg soaring overhead indicated the loss of signal from Ugly MOFO wasn't jamming, someone had turned the spider like fire-support mecha into a nice holiday fire, along with the Predator drones I was counting on getting some kills with.  That seemed to fire up Rover, my big golden kitty, as the 110 ton brute let fly his rage from his Okha flamers bathed the whole hillside in wide forking hellfire.  

It didn't stop them.  I felt the hit on my shield as an Elf physically rammed me.  I set my heel and pushed back, then rammed my gun against his pointy head and Decimated his brainpan with some depleted uranium through the cranium.

There was a shattering explosion and the turret from Rover, my wing Cyberdon knocked my cannon arm out of line.  His killer stepped close.

“He was dressed all in flames, from his head to his foot,

And his armour was all tarnished with ashes and soot;

A bundle of guns he had flung on his back,

And he looked like an army with a city to sack.

His shields -- how they twinkled! his gunsights how merry!

His capacitors were like roses, his lasing crystals like a cherry!

His EW emitters were all powered with a glow,

And my displays all dissolved in meaningless snow;

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know I was pretty much dead;”

The Tinsel EMP shorted my control systems through my implant, but the tinsel bridged the breakers and wouldn’t let the surge suppressors and emergency cut outs break the link, so I fell screaming with Paladin, the AI and I joined as the mecha spasmed apart, its electrical and powers systems shorting through the hull, the steam of its suspension systems blasted through the cockpit and unconsciousness kept me from the rest of the experience.

When I came to, the icons on my rebooting display told it all.  My command was crushed, Santa and the horde were pressing Christine in the final blocking position.  She was singing.

“Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree

Eating all the gum drops he can see

Stop, Kookaburra! Stop, Kookaburra!

Leave some there for me”

That is a bad sign, she only sings the Kookaburra song when she gets a chance to stick somebody with her Vorpal Sword.  She was supposed to let them push her forces out of the way, not let it turn into a slugging match we couldn’t win.  I opened her display to see her Guardian (Mama Bunny) kick an Elf off her Vorpal sword, and bring her shield in line against Santa himself.  It didn’t help.  He frosted her from head to foot with a Proton Blade, the ice shattering the superconductive coils in her weapons, the magnetic repulsion powering her joints, and sending microfactures through her engine amplifier shield emitters.  Emergency shunts screamed as they ejected her fusion core out the back blast plates as her machine gutted itself to prevent pilot and AI death.

I saw Darren withdrawing Team Banzai from the gate and punched through direct.

“Did we do it?”

Dr Banzai himself replied.  “Berserker Actual, the code recovered from Artemis Molly is holding, the gates in this sector have been reprogramed to Single Rainbow lock.  No one is getting mecha out of here more than a handful at a time.  Evil Santa won’t be going anywhere for between one to two weeks.”

Evil Santa’s reaction was Claus for alarm:

“He continued to slay, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he strode from the fight,

BACK AT CHRISTMAS FOR YOU ALL , AND WE’LL FINISH THIS FIGHT!”

John T Mainer 28840

Happy Faction War to all, lets have a good fight.

[diary-of-a-trichotillomania-blog]

First post ever. No pressure at all.

So, I created this blog to not only start tracking my own journey with trichotillomania, but to learn more about other people that deal with the same struggles that I do. I’ve suffered from this disorder going on 13 years now. I started pulling from my scalp when I was in elementary school. I still remember where it started, right above my left ear. I don’t really remember ever realizing or understanding what I was doing to myself, as I was so young and I guess I just didn’t feel the need to question it. As the school year progressed, so did my thinning hair. I remember my mom taking me to the children’s hospital downtown because she started getting worried. I never told the doctors that I was pulling out my own hair. I was ashamed, and it didn’t make sense. I remember the doctor that saw me. She was a black lady, with short hair, probably mid 40′s. She was kind. She asked me a lot of questions, of course with my mom sitting right there. I think I told her that sometimes my scalp burned and that it felt very tender all the time. She diagnosed me with alopecia, and prescribed me steroids that my mom would go on to rub on my head every night before bed. It didn’t help. By the end of the school year, I had little to no hair on the sides and top of my head. My dad started buying me wigs. Looking back, I know that they could foresee some of the obstacles that were soon to come that I was oblivious to at that time. Of course, by the next school year, the bullying started. I was a smart kid, I got straight A’ s and perfect attendance until the curse of trichotillomania started taking it’s toll. The bullying really affected me. So much that I’ve blacked out most of the rest of my elementary school days. I remember in the 3rd grade, my state made it a requirement for all grade school students to take a placement test. My scores came back in the top 10% of the state. My parents were so proud of me. They were contacted by another school that wanted me to join their program for kids that were “gifted and talented”, my dad enrolled me and I started my 4th grade year at a new school. I was excited. Little did I know this place would turn out to be the beginning of the nightmare that is my life. Throughout the year, I struggled with keeping up with my grades. I slept very little at home. I started acting out. Mean while, my mom was having serious back surgeries and shortly after her father passed away. This really took a toll on my mom and she started falling into depression. She’ll never admit it, but she was abusing pain killers, as well. She slept all the time and she stopped cooking dinner. We didn’t really speak to each other much, and if we did it was an argument. I hated her boyfriend that lived with us, and I know he hated me, too. He made it very evident. So just imagine this 4th grade girl, who’s going through puberty alone. I had started my period before all of my friends and dealing with all these new emotions that I’d never felt before on top of silently battling my trichotillomania and bullying at school. I had no outlet. I remember sitting up all night just writing and writing and writing for hours on end. The most traumatizing event from this period of my life was the day that my school had a fire drill. The entire staff and student body was lined up outside of the school in the parking lot. This boy, his name was Richard, had been a real problem for me the entire school year thus far. I remember he just ran up to me and pulled off my wig in front of everyone. I went into shock and was immediately mortified. I grabbed my wig and ran back into the school screaming and balling my eyes out. A female teacher followed me and took me to the office and tried to console me. The school called my dad and he rushed to the school. The principle invited him into his office to speak with him in private, but I could still hear them talking. All I can remember is hearing my dad say, “Her mother and I kind of figured this was bound to happen eventually.” That was my last day at that school.  4th grade was the year I started self harming. At first I was able to hide it from my parents, but not for long. They immediately sent me to counseling and they wasted no time filling my body up with drugs. I was on several different anti-depressants and other bullshit for the rest of my elementary school days. I think I was on 5 different medications over a course of 3 years. Once I reached 7th grade, I stopped taking my meds. I refused them. I was tired of the panic attacks, and the side effects. I would lose a ton of weight, then they’d switch my meds and I’d gain it all back x2. By this time my dad had taken full custody of me an there was a long period of time that my mother and I didn’t even speak to one another. I felt like she chose her boyfriend over me. Well, she did. Anyway, 7th grade sucked ass, I started becoming very angry at the world. I was getting into fights every other week and I would get into it with my teachers often. During second semester after numerous suspensions, the school finally decided to expel me. I was sent to an alternative school. Where they sent all the “bad” kids. It was a very small school. On the left side of the school is where the middle school students were taught, the right side taught the high school students, but all the students rode the bus together. This is where I met my first real boyfriend. He was in the 11th grade and we rode the bus together every morning, His name was Kodie. This is when the peer pressure started taking place, and my poor decisions began. I started skipping school to hang out with Kodie. I thought it was cool that I was dating an older boy. I loved that someone older was attracted to me and because my self esteem was so low from the years of bullying I finally felt accepted by someone. I ate it up. I would do anything he told me to do because I didn’t want to feel alone anymore. My dad was furious but I convinced him to let me go over to his house sometimes. Kodie lived with his mom in some apartments nearby to my house. We dated into the summer. I remember my dad took me over there to go swimming one day with Kodie and his family. After we swam for a couple hours his mom left for a while to go somewhere with her friends. Kodie asked me if I wanted to go back to the apartment and watch a movie because we were both getting tired from being in the sun. He told me we’d be the only ones there and I was very nervous and excited. I’d never been alone with a boy before, I agreed to go with him. This was the day I lost my virginity. He was gentle and to be honest I enjoyed it after the initial shock wore off. Afterwards I cried right there on his bed and he held me and kissed my forehead, he said if I felt uncomfortable I could call my dad. I stayed for a little while longer before he came and picked me up. I didn’t tell him. Kodie and I continued dating for 3 years. Eventually the relationship started getting rocky. I was still young, but Kodie was older and he ended up moving out and getting his own place. This is where my dad started putting his foot down and drawing the line. But I wasn’t trying to hear none of it. I remember he got our anniversary date tattooed on his leg but we ended up breaking up shortly after when my dad started threatening to get police involved if we continued our relationship. Honestly, I was devastated but like people do, they move on. By this time I was about to start sophomore year. I really nervous as my track record with school had never been too great. By surprise, I actually made it through 10th grade fairly easily. I had real friends. You know? The kind that actually hung out with me and came over and spent the night at my house on weekends. I was involved at school, I started writing for the school newspaper and doing photography. I loved it. Then summer break came. To be continued...

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