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allofmyfriendsaredead27 · 2 years

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Do you believe in God?

I was just starting an overnight shift on emergency. It was slow and I was full of anxiety as usual. I hated emergency because I hate the unexpected especially when I am unsure if I can handle it. The other Drs and nurses and I were standing around talking when suddenly a stat was called on the overhead. An assistant comes running back with a cat that is unresponsive and clearly dead-on arrival however we are required to assess and start CPR. The ER Dr starts CPR and doing a cut down to get vascular access. A cut down is when the skin over a vein is incised to the vein can be seen and a catheter placed. Usually, the vein can be seen without a cutdown but in very critical or dead patients, that can be impossible requiring a cutdown. The Dr tells me to go into the room and speak with the clients and tell them the situation to get permission to stop CPR.

I go into the exam room and there are two elderly women one hysterical and the other consoling her. I discuss the situation and that unfortunately her cat has no heart beat and attempt to do CPR are currently unsuccessful and it appears that her cat was deceased when she arrived. I asked her permission to cease CPR. Crying and wailing she says, “He told me he was going to see the Father and come back to me.” I look at the other women to see her response who seems to be unphased by her comment still consoling her. She agrees to stop CPR. I go back to the ICU and tell them to stop CPR to find the ER Dr still trying a cut down on a cat going into rigor mortis.

It was my second year of my internal medicine residency. At that time, internal medicine was also the ER department because there was no ER department. A young poodle gets rushed into the ICU in respiratory distress. The student and I go over and assess the patient as the ICU technician get oxygen and start attending to the patient. I instruct the nurses to give butorphanol IM, this will calm the patient and alleviate some of the distress and help improve his breathing. The patient gets moved into the oxygen cage for stabilization. I go into the examination room with the student. The owner is an older woman maybe 60s and is accompanied by a young man in his 20s, close enough you get the point. I discuss how her dog is struggling to breath and there is something causing her dogs throat to narrow. As I am discussing how her we are trying to help her dog breath but we need to find what is causing her dogs throat to be obstructed. I discuss what we need to do and how her dog might die an any moment despite our efforts as this is a really serious condition. I ask if she has any questions. She asks, “Do you believe in God?” I pause, thinking how I should answer, and I said that I do not. She pauses and looks somewhat disappointed and says well that’s okay and agrees for me to do some tests on her dog. I go back into the ICU and the nurse tells me the dogs is bleeding from the IM injection. This is abnormal and might indicate the dog has a bleeding disorder. The radiologist comes to ultrasound the dog’s neck and thinks there is hemorrhage causing the obstruction. After performing clotting times, we realize the dogs is coagulopathic and bleeding into its neck narrowing its throat causing reduced airflow and explaining why the dog is struggling to breath. The likely cause if rodenticide toxicity causing vitamin k deficiency and vitamin k is necessary for clotting proteins to stop you from bleeding to death. This was actually good because I can fix this, give vitamin k – orally – and give plasma which will provide clotting factors and the dog should stop bleeding and hopefully start to be able to breath and the blood will stop accumulating around his throat and the blood that is there reabsorbed from the body.

I go in and discuss this with the owner and give her an estimate of the costs. After a long and sad discussion, the owner decides to euthanize the dog because she can’t treat the dog and without treatment the dog will die, so this is the kindest option at the moment to stop the dogs suffering. I euthanize the dog and take it back into the necropsy unit. At the time I was doing a study on sludge in dogs’ gallbladders. I would ultrasound dogs’ gallbladders at time of death and remove them to collect the contents to study. This actually helped owners have some peace that their dog was contributing to improve the health of other dogs so it was something a lot of owners agreed to. Since things decompose quickly after death, especially the GB, I had to take the GB out of the abdomen within 30 minutes of death. I put the dogs body onto the table and go about removing the gallbladder. The body is still warm and I think about how this was just my patient alive a few moments ago. I think about how this is common for my job. That I kill animals. I think about all the dogs and cats I have killed, humanely yes, but in the facts, I kill them. I hope there is no God.

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mcnypieces · 3 years

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A month later and at last I come bearing an update once again. It’s bound to be incredibly lengthy as life has not been its most placid, but I am here nonetheless.

TL;DR for those also struggling with their time recently: Life stressful, Bun scare, WoW fun but friend/Mythic+ group is a mess due to losing a friend to toxicity, I will likely be remaking this multimuse blog and starting fresh there to give me more incentive to be around to write comfortably in a fresh, happy, non-cluttered place, complete with a new Birkan OC I talked about some months before now. Though I haven’t technically decided and was going to ask opinions, I will likely still be remaking, as everything here is a mess. Lulu’s blog will remain as is for now, as I am attached to it and has retained more activity from me ( not much more, however ), though I have also considered moving her with everyone as well to keep everyone in one place and maybe make my mind feel more focused in a collective space. I’m still very much on the fence about it. Thoughts on that are welcome.

There was a bit of optimism at the beginning of my break to play WoW. However, a little less than a day into the launch, I noticed something off about the youngest of my rabbits. Hazel, a netherland dwarf gifted to me by a neighbor down the way during Christmas a couple years ago so she had friends and wasn’t alone during the day, developed a head tilt. It was enough to be noticeable, but nowhere near the cases most see posted in pictures. Head tilt in rabbits is often a very serious thing, as it can cause permanent damage and even death if not treated immediately. Anything from an injury to unkempt ears to a common parasite ( which is technically classified as a fungus ) to neurological troubles - the range is about as vast as self-diagnosing with WebMD. Torticollis in rabbits has a bunch of different causes, very few of which are relatively mild.

I was - to say the least - in absolute hysterics. She was off balance, tripping over herself, curling up into herself trying to keep footing. To somebody that’s never seen it in person before, it looks like you’re watching an animal on the verge of passing from something neurological. I had no idea what was going on. To be frank, I was absolutely terrified. It was 1AM and very few vets were 24-hour, especially in this crisis, much less ones that could look at rabbits. I steeled myself to call the closest one for recommendations on what to do and where to go. Naturally, I was told there was nothing this place could do besides euthanasia ─ which, in my very emotional state, I was incredibly offended by the mere immediate suggestion of. Hazel had been acting completely normal up until then, and she still had her energy. She was trying to climb all over the place despite having no balance, and she showed no other symptoms of anything besides just tilting and falling over herself. At this point obviously I know they were simply stating that was the only thing they could do as they don’t take exotic pets, but in the moment, being offered it as the first and seemingly only solution made me upset. I’m sure that would be anybody in that situation. So, of course, I refused, and they told me of other places that would be able to at least see her at that time and give me more sound options.

I find a 24 hour emergency pet clinic about thirty minutes away. There’s a place that for sure takes exotics, but it’s 2 hours away and closed at this hour. Okay, fine, I don’t have time to wait with this. I call the 24 hour clinic. They tell me they do see exotics and can treat the basics but they don’t have the equipment to properly diagnose anything for certain. Unfortunate, but I don’t have any other options at this point. They say they will take her and monitor her behavior to figure out where I should go from there. I take her there. I try not to break down again on the ride there, I try not to break down as they take her padded comfy box from me. They tell me they have another, more serious case they have to see to immediately but will monitor her and do a basic check-up. It will take them an hour at minimum, and I was welcome to stay in the parking lot. I decide against it, go home to clean up and prep a space for her while trying to steel myself more. It takes a couple hours for them to call back.

Lo and behold, they have no idea what’s wrong. As stated when I called, aside from the head tilting, she is acting completely normal. Eating, going to the bathroom, has her energy, no leg or eye issues that are common with the usual problems that lead to head tilting. What tests they can run are absolutely normal. They gave her what they referred to as “a bunny feast”, and she delighted herself in it with no problems, and they even brushed her down for me ( I didn’t get the chance yet, her winter coat was just coming in ). She just has a head tilt all of a sudden, out of nowhere. This is great news, but it’s also upsetting, because I still have no idea what’s going on. They give me medication for an infection and Metacam for the potential pain she could have been in, and sent me on my way to monitor her at home. If anything changed for the worse, I would take her to the vet in Raleigh two hours away to have actual tests done.

Okay, so I’m still in the dark on what’s wrong, but I have medication. Great. I watch her for two weeks, give her the infection medication every 12 hours and the pain medication the first 4 days. And, in time, her head tilt begins to disappear. That tells both the doctor and I that it was either 1) an ear infection, which was now cured, or 2) an injury. My mind has me leaning towards the latter, if only because I know how fast she runs all over the place and Jolyne, my cat, does play with her. They have done so for years now without issue, often times Jojo will be running away from Hazel rather than vice versa. Hazel will do loops back and forth and then suddenly charge at her in an attempt to catch her off guard. I have not let her out with Jojo since then in case roughhousing was in fact the cause, but Hazel is back to running around like the crazy thing she is. I’m still watching her every day, and all the rabbits will hopefully be getting new, large hutches for Christmas. Hazel’s has been ordered. To this moment, I still have no idea what caused her head tilt. What I did learn, however, is that there are a lot of rabbits that get euthanized due to head tilt, when most of the ailments - if caught early enough and with lengthy TLC - can be cured. Rabbits can even live happily with the tilt should it become permanent ( which it can be! ). Here is a happy bun who lived a wonderful life with a permanent head tilt. Much worse than the way Hazel’s was, but the common bad tilt nonetheless. I called to tell them the great news, how grateful I was they could do anything at all, and they were ecstatic to have me call them back. Things in that regard are now back to normal, but I keep an eye on her as per usual. Definitely not the kind of scare I was expecting out of nowhere, but one I received nonetheless.

During the time I monitored her and kept her close at my side in her hutch ( I went out of the way to move her hutch in with me when I cleaned it, because why wouldn’t I? ), I enjoyed the launch of Shadowlands. My main WoW friend group, A/B/C/D/E, were all playing and content with what was happening. We even were talking to old friends, thinking about raiding, had two new friends coming to learn to play the game. It was great! But then base Mythics came out, and things went sour out of nowhere.

One of our long time friends in our original Mythic+ group became the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. We’ve all had our disagreements and issues with said friend for some time, as he has been very negative the past few months and a hamper on the friend group even before launch. Everyone knows things are at an all time low, and the world is not in its best state - but we come to play games to get away from the realities of things. We’re here to have fun and kid around, not to mope. This is not to say we’re not here to be supportive if something is genuinely wrong, or that sadness just isn’t allowed ever. That would be silly. We’re always here to support each other in rough times, and such is the reason we’re as tight-knit as we are to begin with. Always has been the case.

However, this was not your typical sad sort of negative. This was the permanent “Glass is Half Empty” mentality. Everything had to be negative. Win a BG match? He didn’t have fun because he got targeted down one time when he was alone on a caster. Clear base Mythics for the first time of the expansion? No time to celebrate, because he didn’t get a piece of gear out of it, or he didn’t do the burst he wanted on a trash pack because we didn’t cater to his pull plan. During the second week of Mythics, he was constantly complaining about not getting gear drops to the point it was making other members upset. No one likes doing eight dungeons, getting one or two drops, and both being pieces you don’t need. Hell, I did Mythic+ this entire week since it came out and I still have a Heroic neck on my body because it has a socket and great stats and I’ve not gotten another drop since. But to complain about not getting a drop and dunking on people who are getting the upgrade ─ which, in turn, betters the group ─ is just ridiculous. This was not exclusive to just WoW, either. Everything they played together when I was not present, he acted the same way ─ negative, upsetting, and very, very defensive whenever someone would tell him to knock it off. He’d pull the “oh you don’t care about me” card. He constantly felt like people were coming after him, even when nobody ever was, and that everyone just had something against him and we kept him there out of sheer pity ─ which was infuriating to all of us, the people who still considered him a friend and cared about him to tolerate the toxic behavior and try to work through it. He’d pretend to be a victim if you tried to call him out on bad behavior, acting as if he was being singled out, while also bad mouthing other people and poking fun at them and then disguising it as a joke ( or in his case, “a meme” ). When you’d do the same back, he’d pull the whole “dude that’s not cool, I get you’re joking but it’s not funny” attitude every time. He had to be right all the time, and if you tried to tell him he was wrong, he’d fight you on it until the bloody end, even when proven wrong earlier. He wanted to be catered to and, if things weren’t going the way he wanted, he was negative. If he wasn’t having fun, nobody else was allowed to have fun.

Friend A, who is essentially our leader that brought everybody together and often makes calls for the group ( though in reality we’re all just an aimless bunch of friends messing around and having fun ), has known Friend C for a longer than any of us. He considers him his best friend, and they have been close for many years since Cataclysm. We’re all friends, of course, but A and C have been close for a very long time. They are very supportive of one another, regardless of what happens, and always have been. However, even Friend A is getting very frustrated with Friend C’s behavior. Friend C has not always been like this. In fact, he used to be the complete opposite. He loves the guy to death and back, but the other members, particularly Friend D, is getting into mini verbal fisticuffs during dungeons disguised as friendly fun being poked and forth almost every night. Friend D complains about Friend C behind his back ( which he has been asked to tone down and, some nights, has been agreed with based on the issue at hand ). A new coworker of Friend A who is also a very chill, cool person had her own reservations about him when she joined due to his behavior and it kept her from joining voice calls. Hell, I got into an argument with him a week before launch due to his behavior, to which he tried to invalidate my argument by claiming I was “coming after him” and therefore my side was automatically invalid because I had a “personal vendetta” against him and me “shit-talking” him while making my points “comes off a certain way” ─ when the point I was making had absolutely nothing to do with him personally. Again, the same “I’m being attacked” mentality, when no such thing was happening.

Eventually one night while he was complaining about loot, Friend A had a talk with him about not complaining about not getting loot anymore, as it was wearing on everyone’s nerves. Mythic+ would come out soon, loot would be flowing in, and everyone would eventually be geared, including him. This wasn’t the first time he was talked to in regards to the way he’d been acting in general. He agreed to tone it down, and that was that. But guess what? That didn’t happen. The next night we finish up our Mythics, and he has to physically stop himself from making a comment and covers it up with “nope, I promised I wouldn’t complain about loot” with a tone that sounds like someone is struggling really, really hard not to say something and is holding back. Normally this would be something nobody cares about and is part of the process but this isn’t the first time he said something about it. He then proceeds to complain anyway, spends night questioning the tank’s ( Friend D at the time ) pulls and complaining about being beat in DPS every other pull because “oh I don’t have gear cause the game hates me so-” when he’s not even doing his AoE rotation properly ( found this out later after everything fell through ). His attitude is so negative it’s affecting the way he plays and, to put it bluntly, he’s playing and acting like shit.

So Friend A sits him down. Again. At this point he’s still trying his absolute best to work things out with him, but his foot has come down. His behavior for months has been toxic. People are getting fed up. He’s bringing down group morale. Everyone is worried his attitude is going to make the new people who are trying to learn the game quit because he’s constantly shit talking the game and pretending the world is ending in voice. Friend A tells him he’s here for him still and how he’s always here to talk if life is a mess and Friend C is still welcome, but he needs to get his shit straight. By the end of the chat, Friend C claims “that’s just how he is” and he can’t do anything about it ─ which is just such bullshit. We know good and well how he really is, and this ain’t it. He’s just too lazy, full of himself, and down on his luck to acknowledge he has a problem. He says it’s shitty of us not to “accept him for who he is” and how we all know his life is shit and that he’s justified. Friend A essentially tells him he doesn’t want somebody like that in his group. Friend C takes this as “oh I don’t want you here period”, essentially says “well I don’t want to be in a group that just pities me and takes me along because they feel bad and not because they’re actually my friends”, leaves the discord group, removes Friend A from discord, removes friend A from Battle.net, then blocks him in both places. Out of nowhere. Friend A then comes to announce that Friend C will no longer be a part of our group. This is a TL;DR, since I wasn’t there for the conversation and it’s been a little bit since I’ve asked Friend A exactly what was said and feel it inappropriate to ask for specifics again since it’s all behind us now and that night still upsets him to this moment.

Since then, Friend C has come back to try and make amends to everyone, especially the group, as he dropped without telling anybody out of frustration and essentially said “fuck you” to the entire group because he was upset at his best friend. Friend A was very emotional about it after it happened as, like said, this was his best friend who essentially just claimed he didn’t care about him at all and just pitied him despite doing everything he could to try to keep everybody happy and even catering to Friend C at times against his better judgement. Despite that, however, Friend A has stated multiple times he would not even take Friend C back as a friend unless he had a life evaluation first. Friend A and Friend C sat down to have another talk after the dust settled so Friend C could apologize, as Friend C reached out supposedly to do so, but he still acted as though he didn’t do anything wrong. He swore constantly on his dog-who-he-loved-dearly’s ashes he didn’t say the shitty things he said to Friend A that night. He didn’t own up to anything he said or did, only apologized for leaving immediately and dipping on everyone else, as he worried he’d “burned the bridge”. Friend A did not welcome him back with open arms but told him his doors were still open to talk and were never closed to begin with ( Friend C closed them himself by leaving suddenly, after all ) and that he could talk to him again when he figured everything out. Everyone is at least on speaking terms again, but he has not rejoined the discord nor the game group, and wasn’t even playing for a time. Now he’s supposedly playing and having fun again on his own terms and doing things we haven’t. Supposedly. So our Mythic+ group had a gap in it, which was filled by one of the new friends who just started playing. Both new players in our group are learning fast, but it has slowed our progression down, which we accept. People have swapped around classes to find accommodations as well, with Friend A now tanking and Friend D healing as they did before, delaying progress further. But now with things decided and in place, we will begin to push again. After all, it’s only the first week of Mythic+. We haven’t really lost any important progress.

Friend A was very upset and felt like there was more he could’ve done, but everyone in the group has told him day in and day out there was nothing else he could’ve done. Friend C still has a lot to sort out and has seemingly taken absolutely nothing from this situation.

Both of these situations, on top of the seizures the person I consider a second mom to me still happening ( which she went in for today to be looked at again while she’s being treated for something else ), has made writing nigh impossible. I have been having a lot of fun playing WoW and the issue with Friend C, while a big hamper on things in the moment, hasn’t stopped me from enjoying it as is. Both the major hospitals near me have recently announced they are at full capacity on virus patients and will no longer be accepting more of them and, so long as there’s no immediate reason to do so, have asked people to stay inside as much as possible because of it. With Hazel’s emergency making me miss my dad’s small Thanksgiving as I was up all night that night and it was the next day, this means I will also not make it to his Christmas. I did not go to my mom’s get-together for Christmas either, as it was at her restaurant where she works and the number of people there made me nervous. She was sad, but there’s nothing I could really do to justify the risk. The fact people still want to have any kind of gathering even for the holidays blows my mind.

That all being said, things have calmed down enough for me to consider making another attempt at writing again and retuning to the blogs I have missed dearly. The breaks are always nice, but I’ve had to take far too many of late, and struggling with the energy and mindset to write for months is really starting to get under this bun’s blue fur. In the time I’ve been away I’ve thought about remaking this blog, as it’s a complete mess and riddled with old things that are no longer a part of it. My tags are messed up, my info is all over the place, and I feel as though a fresh place filled with friends who are still active might speed up the process of getting me back on track. In addition to that, I’ve thought more about the OC idea I brought up some time ago and will be adding said OC to the roster once things are set-up, assuming I go through with the idea. I’ve also considered adding Lulubelle to the multimuse as well to keep everyone in one place, but as I’m attached to her blog and hers is more organized, I’m reluctant to do so. It is a thought and consideration, nonetheless. It will all take some time to do, but afterward, assuming it goes as expected, activity will resume once again.

It will take some time, but hopefully things will be back to the way they were soon enough. ♥

#❥ // * the rabbit stowaway ( ooc. )#❥ // * shouting from the scaffold ( psa. )#❥ // * ever running on stories of the sea ( long post. )#|| holy moly this is so long I'm so sorry #tl;dr is plenty enough of an update.#but it felt reassuring to type out the hectic events of the month.#I know it's unnecessary but explaining my absence makes me feel better about it.#I have high hopes and nothing will stop me from kicking down the proverbial door.#I will return as I planned if it's the last thing I do.#I swear on my little bunny life. ||

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pro-birth · 4 years

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I feel like this was important to bring up in light of recent events. Rachelle Oaks Pro-Life Atheist made a post asking black pro-lifers how they felt about white pro-lifers using the “PP is racist” talking point now that racism is finally getting the mainstream awareness it needs to fix other systemic problems POC face. Here are some responses (note: some of these comments were made by white pro-lifers, but they echoed similar sentiments to the black pro-lifers so I included them) —

•I think it’s offensive when people use it as an excuse to not talk about other injustices plaguing our community.

•I agree, I don't think it's racist. But I think a lot of conservative people use abortion in the black community as an excuse to not talk about other racial issues. I'm talking about people who every time racism is brought up say, "Well, but Planned Parenthood etc." Obviously, the high abortion rate in the black community, and the targeting of black women by the abortion industry, needs to be addressed, but it's not the only instance of racial oppression in America.

•Due to the George floyd case I keep encountering white pro lifers who were willing to convict Floyd from a case 13 yrs, a case they cant even provide proof on on one very vague detail. Yet I observed them use the "black babies are statistically aborted the most" line. It's a tactic to emotionally manipulate others, primarily black people to dismiss them them and I'm getting annoyed by it.

•I'm starting to think that they shouldnt point it out... or rather as much in order to prove how racist PP/abortion is.. I'm beginning to acknowledge that many who make an effort to point it out really do not care about black issues or that concerned with why a black person will be black/choose abortion.

The truth is I didnt become pro life due to the stat that most babies are black or because Margaret sanger is a racist. I did used to be hung up about it. But honestly who wasnt trying to euthanize us during that time. Margaret sanger really doesnt have any connection to why black women will abort.

And relaying that black babies are aborted the most Is pointless because in the end abortion is wrong regardless.

I do think if it should be brought up I would highly prefer other black people. Non black people may not know how to properly approach a black pcer or acknowledged our issues. Another black pro lifer will.

•It's generally said ignorantly, as if there aren't African Americans outraged at abortion. It's also generally said in response to the unjust murder of African Americans at the hands of white civilians and police. They are two separate issues, though they are connected.

•I'm "white" & I don't bring up this atrocity when discussing normal racial issues. However, I see OH SO many posts from BLM that targets whites/Christians/conservatives about how we fight for unborn lives but not black lives in which case.... how does one even react? As an independent, who was prolife way before I became a Christian, I want to fire back but without belittling the other obvious racial injustices in which they are passionate about.. but people on both sides of the aisle can be blinded. If Black Lives Matter would start teaming up with pro life groups, think of the incredible changes we could bring to these women & their babies! I'll get off my soapbox now.

If you are a black pro-lifer and have a similar or different POV on this, please reblog and share if you are interested! I feel like this is ever talked about enough in our movement.

#blm #systemic racism

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itssandflower · 5 years

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Mischief: Part 2

Read part 1 here

Trigger warning: Extreme Gore

At this point, I opened the carrier to get Mischief’s vitals. She was a gorgeous black cat with the standard green eyes. Her left side was facing me, and I could see her left hind leg tucked under her protectively. “All right, darling, I’m just going to take a quick look at your leg, okay?” I cooed to Mischief, shifting her hind end carefully so I could see the leg. I tried to keep my face passive as I took in the wounds-- they looked very much like something had scraped its claws down her flesh, but it the wounds looked pretty old. Mischief’s mom told me then that the inside of the leg was much worse. Privately, I wanted the surgeon to take a look at it before I did. I stroked Mischief’s short black fur and tucked her leg gently back under her before I closed the carrier. I informed Mischief’s mom that I would take her back to be evaluated, then bring her right back.

The surgeon I was receiving for was not my usual one. She was a tall, dark-haired, and mildly intimidating to those around her. She wasn’t a mean person, just very blunt with an impassive face. She was an intelligent doctor, and I was confident in her treatment plans for Mischief. We called her MML. I brought Mischief back to her and explained her situation, and MML, the intern on our service, and I went through the hospital to find a place to evaluate Mischief’s gait as part of our physical exam. The radiology suite was the only place we could go with a door, in case Mischief decided to make a break for it. We closed the door and took her out of her carrier, but she just huddled in a dark, unmoving heap on the floor. We gave her a few minutes, but she still didn’t move... She didn’t even turn her head to evaluate her surroundings.

Eventually, before I could move, MML went to turn the cat over. I should have known something was drastically wrong when Mischief didn’t resist; it was a very un-catlike thing to do. My heart dropped when I took a look at her hind leg-- there was no flesh on the inside of it. I could see the muscle, but it wasn’t a healthy pink... More like a washed- out beige. I could smell the infection, and it made my stomach churn. MML quickly and carefully picked Mischief up to return her to the carrier, and immediately after went to talk to Mischief’s mom. As I waited, I typed in some triage notes on the computer, anxiously thinking about that terrible wound and wondering how it got as bad as it did.

Suddenly, MML came rushing back into the surgery prep area, urgently snapping that we needed to bandage the leg before Mischief got a hospital-borne infection. The intern grabbed Mischief’s carrier while I moved around the surgery prep area like a whirlwind, grabbing betadine and saline for cleaning the wound, cast padding, bandage tape, vet wrap, and gauze. I placed a warm towel on a free gurney and the intern carefully lifted Mischief out of her carrier. She was limp and did not resist. I laid her on her side so that the inside of her left hind leg was visible to the surgeon and the intern, but I found I didn’t even have to restrain Mischief. Still, I talked softly to her, telling her I was so sorry that this got so bad for her, and that we would do everything we could for her.

As the intern began to clean Mischief’s wound, my stomach lurched-- the skin was sloughing, meaning it came off with very little pressure. MML seemed to grow more urgent, skillfully evaluating the wound and placing a bandage over the entire leg. She informed me that this cat needed to be evaluated by our Internal Medicine service immediately, and if they couldn’t do it, our Emergency service needed to take a look at her. My heart began to race as the reality of the situation finally clicked with me; Mischief was in a lot of trouble. I asked MML what we could do for this wound, and she sighed. She said that with the way the wound looked, amputation was unlikely to be successful, as the infection could have spread to Mischief’s bones in her legs. At worst case, it could spread to her hip joint and even to her pelvis. Therefore, the options were very limited for the small black cat.

When the bandage was placed, the intern brought Mischief back into the room with her owner so I could find someone who was free to evaluate her. I set off at a brisk pace to internal medicine, informing the techs and the doctors of the severe situation. Mischief had an appointment with the Internal Medicine service, anyway, which was definitely for the best. For extra measure, I also informed ER of the possibility they may have to evaluate her. From there, I had to move on to my next appointment... But my thoughts were still on Mischief and her mom.

Mischief’s appointment was originally at 9 am, and by the time my next appointment came, it was 10 am. When I came back from my next appointment, I saw Mischief on the crash table and had a grim realization that things were getting darker for her, not lighter. I overheard that her blood pressure was extremely low, and I noticed the ER nurses placing an intravenous catheter on her so they could bolus her with fluids. Throughout it all, the little black cat did nothing to resist.

Hours passed. Other appointments finished, and I noticed Mischief’s owner in the room that I had left her in as I walked past with other clients. Every now and then, I saw the Internal Medicine specialists and nurses in there with her, undoubtedly sharing Mischief’s progress... Or lack thereof. Of the few glances I was able to catch of Mischief’s owner, I noticed her red-streaked cheeks. She had been crying...

Eventually, the day drew to an end, and Mischief was the only patient of mine that was left in the hospital. By this time, her care was taken over entirely by the Internal Medicine service. A part of me wanted to stay on her case, but I knew there was not much I could do for her. Instead, once I was able to, I approached one of the Internal Medicine nurses.

“How is Mischief?” I asked cautiously, half-dreading the answer.

The Internal Medicine nurse sighed, confirming my prediction before she spoke. “Her owner decided to euthanize. She was suffering too much.”

It was a bittersweet end. Sweet because Mischief was no longer left to exist in agony... Bitter because all I could think of was her owner; she had arrived at my hospital with a sick cat in hopes that we could fix what was unfixable. Instead, she left that night with an empty, rusted cat carrier.

. . .

I still think of Mischief and her owner. A few weeks after her death, I had a dream that a small black cat was called back to us as a “STAT triage”. When a STAT was called, the patient was critical and needed to be evaluated immediately.

In this dream, an ER nurse brought back a gray cat carrier. We opened the top of the carrier carefully and swiftly, revealing a petite black cat huddled in the very back corner. The cat looked fine, and I couldn’t see a reason this patient was labeled “critical”. I readied myself as the nurse cautiously began to lift the cat out of the carrier. The nurse slowly turned the cat until her belly was exposed to the surrounding team...

There was a large wound splitting the cat from the neck to the tail, gaping up at us like a black hole. The body cavities were completely empty-- no heart, lungs, intestines. This cat should not have been alive. I had enough time to register the horror of the scene before the cat let out an unearthly screech, kicking her back claws at her throat. Everything about the scene was... Wrong.

I woke the next day, distraught. That dream comes back to me when I see a mortally injured patient. I still see the cat’s belly, exposed to the world... But that wasn’t the worst part of the dream. The absolute worst part was, in spite of the fact that the dream cat must have been in immense suffering, the owners in the dream refused to euthanize.

I know this dream was related to my experience with Mischief. I wish I could talk to more people about how seeing Mischief’s wounds, and being utterly helpless to help her, truly affected me. But I must keep my head up; move to the next patient, be there for the next owner, and help treat the next sickness or injury. But I’ll never forget those patients that have a place in my heart now... And Mischief is one of them.

#Mischief The Cat #veterinary medicine #VetMed #Surgery receiving nurse #part 2

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ezatluba · 3 years

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Your veterinarian may be suffering from moral injury and you may have caused it. Here's what people are doing to help

Jennifer Graham

Within the span of a week, Dr. Kirsten Doub suffered both a black eye and bloody lip on the job. But it’s not the physical demands of her work, but the emotional ones, that make veterinary medicine so difficult, she says.

Doub, owner of Union Park Veterinary Hospital in Cottonwood Heights, Utah, concurs with a recent study that found veterinarians have high rates of moral distress, the psychological pain that occurs when a person feels compelled to act in a way that is contrary to his or her moral code.

"We are expected to be flawless and to drift off to sleep every night with a free conscience," Doub wrote recently on her Facebook page. And yet, "We are part of a profession plagued with the highest rates of suicide, depression and substance abuse."

The study, published Aug. 6 in the Journal of Internal Veterinary Medicine, was the latest to show that a condition once mainly associated with war veterans is being noticed — and treated — in other professions.

Earlier this year, Dr. Simon Talbot and Dr. Wendy Dean, writing in the health and medicine publication STAT, said physicians are suffering from widespread moral injury because of their inability to offer quality patient care under the bureaucratic constraints of the health care system.

And moral distress and injury among nurses has been a concern for more than a quarter of a century.

In response to the growing awareness of the problem, a Texas seminary established a Soul Repair Center dedicated to research and education about moral injury. At its annual conference Nov. 15 in Denver, participants will participate in workshops to include the effects of moral injury on families, and discuss moral injury in sacred texts.

Moral injury can occur to anybody who has a developed conscience, experts in the field say. But people of faith are uniquely positioned to help sufferers because they are well acquainted with one component of healing: forgiveness.

Another thing that helps sufferers of moral injury or distress is something that anyone who listens well can do.

The cost of 'convenience euthanasia'

In a veterinary practice, moral distress might occur when a client asks the veterinarian to euthanize a pet when the animal’s condition could be treated. “This happens almost daily or at least weekly for most veterinarians. It is one of the main reasons I opened my own hospital,” said Doub, who said she will not perform “convenience euthanasia.”

But moral distress can also result from the reverse situation, according to the study authors. Nearly 8 in 10 veterinarians also report incidents when they believe euthanasia is the best thing for the pet, but the owners refuse and subject the animal to lengthy, expensive and ultimately futile treatment. In many cases, veterinarians may report feeling sad or upset without realizing what is happening on a deeper level: “a conflict between their actions and their personal morals,” authors Lisa Moses, Monica Malowney and Jon Wesley Boyd wrote.

The authors believe that the widespread incidence of moral distress and injury among veterinarians contributes to mental health problems and a suicide rate that is twice the average of the general population. Doub, whose practice now includes former clients of a Utah veterinarian and friend who took his own life in 2012, agrees.

Doub knew another veterinarian and a veterinarian technician who committed suicide. She believes ethical conflicts between pet owners and veterinarians are increasing, in part, because people are living beyond their means and don’t have money saved for emergencies. When an emergency occurs and diagnostic tests and treatment is expensive, they either ask the veterinarian to euthanize the pet, or ask for a payment plan, which they sometimes don’t honor.

Doub’s friend who died by suicide, “had a whole hospital full of cats who were dumped at his practice that he cared for himself. He offered payments and then people wouldn’t pay him back. He hadn't had a vacation in five years."

In health care for humans, moral distress and injury occurs when outside constraints prevent physicians and nurses from providing care that they know a patient needs, according to a study published in 2017 in the journal Psychological Trauma. These constraints could include being compelled to care for more patients than time allows, having to follow a parent's instructions when the physician doesn't believe it's in the best interest of a child, or continue care that does not improve a patient's condition but instead prolongs dying.

The concept of moral injury was originally developed by a Massachusetts psychiatrist, Dr. Jonathan Shay, to describe the trauma suffered by veterans who witnessed or participated in atrocities during war. Shay says moral injury occurs when there is a betrayal of what one believes to be right, either by the person himself or by a person in “legitimate authority."

"Both forms of moral injury impair the capacity for trust and elevate despair, suicidality and interpersonal violence. They deteriorate character," Shay wrote.

A loss to society

Although veterans of combat witness more trauma than the average suburban veterinarian, Rita Nakashima Brock, author of “Soul Repair: Recovering from Injury After War,” said it does not diminish their condition by extending the diagnosis to other professions. On the contrary, it helps to remove a stigma, said Brock, senior vice president for moral injury programs at Volunteers of America.

“I think the way moral injury has moved into other spaces says that it’s a very strong concept, and that other human beings, just like veterans, can be in circumstances that cause them to lose their meaning system," Brock said. "And losing a meaning system is devastating, because it’s about everything you thought was right and good, everything you invested your sense of self in, starts to collapse."

A person's identity is "profoundly moral" and people usually automatically behave in ways that reflect that inner code, she explained. But then you can have an experience that causes you to fail to do the right thing, even if you want to do the right thing.

For example, Brock once had a conversation with a man who was fleeing the World Trade Center on 9/11 and saw an older man trip and fall, and he didn't stop to help him. When he looked back, two other people had stopped. Later, he began to doubt his capacity to behave morally because of the experience, she said.

“In the aftermath of that, you start thinking, what do I believe, how could I have done that, how can I trust myself to be a good person?” she said.

When moral distress or a moral injury afflicts a person in a profession, it not only hurts the individual, but society. A doctor, for example, may come to believe that she's not a good doctor anymore, after experiencing repeated moral distress, and disillusioned, leave the profession.

"It's not just the loss of their career; it's a major loss to society," Brock said.

'An ancient concept'

Nancy Ramsay, director of the Soul Repair Center at Brite Divinity School in Fort Worth, Texas, said moral injury is “an ancient concept with a new name.”

History shows that even ancient cultures struggled with moral injury. “We know that, in the Hebrew Bible or the Christian Old Testament, when there were battles, men didn’t go right back to their towns. They had a process of ritual cleansing, or a year of penance before they could participate in sacraments again. War changes people’s lives forever,” Ramsay said.

Moral injury is different from post-traumatic stress, however, she said. “They can occur together, but they’re not the same." Post-traumatic stress occurs in the aftermath of an event in which a person thought they were going to die. “It actually changes chemicals of the brain; it has physiological consequences."

Ramsay describes moral injury as the result of either perpetrating, failing to prevent, or witnessing an act that betrays your moral standards. People may also suffer moral distress or injury by being witness to the aftermath of an event.

“Suddenly, you realize there’s a capacity for destructiveness that went beyond the scope of your imagination,” she said.

As for the difference in moral distress and moral injury, Ramsay said, “Think of them on a continuum. Moral distress is uncomfortable, but it’s not the kind of devastating, life-changing trauma of moral injury. Moral injury, some people write about as if the world changes. The scope is more profound. Neither is comfortable, but moral stress is not as serious in its consequence,” she said.

To help educate faith leaders on the scope and treatment of moral injury, Brite's Soul Repair Center offers seminars and conferences for people of all faiths, and other seminaries — to include Iliff School of Theology in Denver, Eden Theological Seminary near St. Louis, Missouri, and Boston University's School of Theology — are addressing moral injury in their program offerings.

Some hospitals are trying to help physicians and other health care providers with a caregiving program called "Code Lavender." But writing in STAT, Talbot and Dean said that's not sufficient.

"What we need is leadership willing to acknowledge the human costs and moral injury of multiple competing allegiances. .. Physicians must be treated with respect, autonomy, and the authority to make rational, safe, evidence-based and financially responsible decisions," they wrote.

As for veterinarians, the authors of the new study called for more instruction on ethical conflict and self-care in veterinary school.

"Regardless of the explanation, training in recognizing, naming and navigating ethical conflict as part of veterinary professional education could start to address the problem," the report said.

Steps to healing

Repairing a moral injury is as important as healing a physical injury, said Brock of Volunteers of America, because “Human beings can’t live without a meaning system.”

One of the most important parts of recovery is being able to talk about what happened with a benevolent person who cares about you, Brock said. “Once you begin to do that, you can start to process the story, to think about it from different angles.”

Eventually, she said, “You have to build a new moral system that is adequate to that experience. You're not well if you put it away and try not to think about it and just keep going."

Ramsay agrees that being able to talk frankly to someone who will listen without condemnation is critical to those wrestling with moral struggles. And doing so leads to another step — repentance and self-forgiveness.

Being able to safely say out loud what has happened, and explore the context of the action, helps people to look honestly at whether they could have done anything differently. It helps them distinguish between fault that they own and/or fault that belongs to another, or even to realize that the action that troubles them was simply the inevitable outcome of an incredibly complex and difficult situation.

“That may not take away being haunted by what they saw and what they did, but hopefully it helps the process of remembering and mourning this life-changing experience,” she said, adding that people who have religious faith may benefit from being able to confess their actions to a spiritual leader.

And whether or not people are religious, doing volunteer work or other good deeds may be both reparation and a source of healing. In addition, some people may find relief through a physical practice, such as meditation or yoga.

People who are suffering from a moral injury, either from their professional work or something they did in their personal life, might be able to take comfort in knowing that they’re not fundamentally broken, that their suffering is indicative that their conscience is working perfectly well.

“You can’t have moral injury without a conscience. Your conscience is working perfectly well," Brock said. "But what happened is, your conscience has become ungrounded from any meaning system that makes your conscience feel that it’s active and doing the right thing. That’s why you’re so miserable.

"It’s not a pathology; it’s a normal, human response to abnormal conditions. But it is a profound kind of suffering,” she said.

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takillas · 3 years

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A Video On the Internet, Scene 9: Number three: Ideal Penis Sizes (Possible TW)

“Within the last quarter century the ideal penis size has gone up an average of around six inches in A 2020 study to a shocking seven and a half inches in A 2045. Many women, however, have to face a shocking reality when it turns out a majority of human men have penises less than six inches long. What's worse is that seventy percent of these women cannot climax through sexual intercourse alone. With stats like these, it's no wonder why so many women are turning to aminoid men to please them.”

“However, women, too, are negatively affected by this. I’m talking about trans women who keep their penises. It hurts many of these women too because they may disappoint their partners. So this needs to be taken seriously.”

“In fact, a 2046 study on social media found that penis size was the biggest, and most times, the only reason for the breakup with their male partners.”

“As disheartening as all this is though aminoids provide hope for women who need an a satisfying alternative. There is a cynical side to this, though. Aminoids, specifically canoids, are bred to have large penises. But breeding being what it is, it doesn't always happen like that. When a male's penis is too small, usually he is euthanized, but sometimes the doctor will grant an override provided the man in question chooses not to breed. To make this happen, though, the doctors demand sexual favors from their sisters. Yes, that's right, even here men still found a way,”

Myra stops the video suddenly. “I'm sorry William,” she says choking up. “You were right she was being mean.”

Elijah leans forward, burying his head in his arm, and Myra can hear him whimpering. Eliza sits on his lap, hugging him.

William leans into Myra and bounces his hand. “Um, why is he crying,” he whispers.

Myra puts her forehead against his; she's holding back tears. “They raped him. His nurses did it over two hundred times, all by women.”

Billy's eyes grow wide, “They can't do that.”

Myra kisses his head and cups his face in her hands. “If he refused, they could have him killed.” William looks downward and slumps in his seat.

Ellis takes a deep breath. “At least it was, partially, accurate.”

Eliza shoots him a look. “That's not funny.”

“I wasn't being funny,” Ellis says. “I'm showing my appreciation.”

Julia looks up at the ceiling while turning in his direction. “Ellis?”

“I came in at six-and-quarter,” he says. “Breed minimum is six-and-a-half. They would’ve put me down. They would have if it wasn't for you two.”

Eliza sits next to William again. “Only it wasn't the doctor who wanted us.” Eliza looks to the floor.

Myra’s throat clenches as she tries to talk. She has to take a breath. “It was Dad.” Tears form in her eyes. “I got lucky I only had a single session with him and that was a threesome with Eliza. She… wasn't as fortunate.”

“Stop,” Eliza says, reaching passed William and putting a hand on her shoulder. “Blaming yourself. I'd do it all over again, knowing it saved my brother's life.”

“Please, play the show.” Elijah finally raises his head up. “I want to get my mind off all this.”

#Drama #dog-girl

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ios-olympusmons · 6 years

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This is the second of two posts. Enclosed are messages for Connor, Matthias, Chris, Leah, Dom, Jill, Cole and Emily.

Elsa - Havana ohh nana Half of my heart… Sorry, I felt obligated to start my message to you with those iconic lyrics. Your elimination was also premature… surprise BB weeks in Survivor ORGs, and vice-versa, are always a nightmare. It’s just such a shame that you had to be the main victim of that week. I hope listening to Camila’s steady stream of new music has been a source of comfort. xxx

JC - CONNOR AKDJDHD queen u weren’t even supposed to leave sorry for robbing u but I was just tryna save myself gtg be euthanized

Nicholas - UwU you were robbed!!! I can’t believe we are dead ass never going to get to play a survivor game together where we both make it decently far. U know how I feel about you so no need to say it here ^__^

Ruthie - I was SO NERVOUS when I saw that you, Pippa and Chris were playing in this season. I felt like you all hated me from season one and that y’all were going to like form something together with the sole purpose of getting me out. I have NO IDEA if you voted for Jordan during that one tribal that he went or not like you told me you did but either way, thank you for doing so. I wish we would have talked more, you left WAY too soon!

Elsa - Siiiiigh… yet another ally I lost in this game. Unlike with Rafael though, I knew people were voting for you Matthias, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want to worry you!! And I thought there would have been enough votes to keep you… but well, people lie, and the outcome was tragic. Tbh, if people were voting for me, I’d want to know, so I should have just told you. I hope you were told by someone else and it wasn’t a complete blindside. But if it was, I really really am sorry ♥ ♥

JC - Fatthias :(( the first game that I didn’t vote you out/plot ur demise..we were actually gonna work together in this one!! Sad

Nicholas - You’re crackedt!!!!!! I came into this game thinking of you as like a pre-made in a way but when we finally got to be on a tribe together you started throwing my name around and it got super messy. At merge I think we finally reconnected and were willing to take a risk and do some real damage to Cole/Dom/Leah. Tbh I’m glad that you were one of the few people who had the balls to initially go against them and I think in a way u set the tone for us targeting them in ur absence!! I hope mcdonalds/subway/jenny craig is treating u well!!!

Ruthie - We didn’t talk all game which SUCKED because we always used to talk. It was still fun to see you around this season, you were definitely an All Star and always will be. <3

Elsa - We kind of stopped talking after merge, which was… well, not anyone’s fault really. It’s really hard maintaining conversations with multiple people in a game. Hngh, despite hearing that you wanted me out at one point (completely expected btw cuz we weren’t allies anyway), I’m still sorry you had to go out the way you did.

JC - I’m sorry I know you were trying to make a big move the week you left and it’s kind of my fault that that move failed to happen I’m sorry I hope you can understand why I did what I did though

Nicholas - I feel like we had a whole series of ups and downs in this game. During the Pippa vote I felt like we really connected right before I flipped on y’all and I always felt after that like we were on bad terms even though you were super forgiving and great about it and I think that speaks a lot to your nature as a player and as a person too. Moving onto merge, honestly I’m still angry that the vote went so poorly when you left. For literally the entirety of the time we were together on a tribe or at merge I wanted to work together but I felt like we always had a different perspective on what was going on. I guess I kind of always saw you and emily as cole and dom and leah’s “side hoes” for lack of a better term and that prevented me from really having any substantial conversations about the game with you. It wasn’t until the failed Cole vote that we finally saw eye to eye and I’m glad that me/you/ruthie/emily were able to connect, if only for like ten minutes, and compare notes and make sure that we knew what was going on. Had you stayed in the game I feel like we would have totally dominated as a group, but just know that the 5-5 vote, even though it took your “life” in the game set the tone for the next couple of rounds to come!

Ruthie - I WAS SO SAD to see you go. I know that our alliance was a new thing but it was just SO CUTE! I wasn’t expecting you to go and it just made my head SPIN! It was fun getting to play with you again after the craziness that was season one! You are such a fun person to talk to, thanks for everything!

Elsa - Leah lol, AHHHHHHHHHHH. I’m not entirely sure if I’m supposed to include you in this, but if I am.... AAHHHHHHHHH. Gosh, the night you were removed in the game was extremely painful, but looking back on it, it was just plain amusing. We (the alliance at the time) went from being on top, to being screwed real quick. I hope whatever irl things you have going on are going well, and it would be fun to play with you again!! x

JC - LEAH BINCH WHY DID U HAVE TO BE MEDEVACD AKDJDJD..MESSY. Queen of rocks though.

Nicholas - rip an inactive queen. We did talk once and it was nice and I’ll always have an appreciation for others who have been rocked out of this series !!!

Ruthie - GIRL. This is All Stars, where were you all game? It was fun playing with you, I don’t think we ever talked either but we played my first game ever together and you are one of my favorite people in the community, you’re such a fun person and I never get tired of seeing what you post on Instagram when you post things!

Elsa - Still crying tbh… yeah, that night was a real mess. Our time working together in the game was too short!!! ): Idk why we didn’t start working together from earlier on tbh, but oh well. Our alliance was brutally cut short and it sucked big time. You are a great and wonderful person, and I’m glad to have met you through BBGlee and IOS!!! ♥

JC - Dom omg you were so robbed you had such an amazing social game though and could’ve probably won if things went slightly differently

Nicholas - I really don’t know how we ended up on complete opposite sides of this game as one another. It felt like before merge we worked together really well and honestly when we were on Curiosity you were one of the people who I told literally everything about the game. And even into merge when there were like 40 of us and the votes were so unpredictable I felt like we were really close allies still. And then I’m not really sure what happens but pretty soon after that we ended up on opposite sides of the game and it actually really sucked having to write down your name at the Live night because I did feel like there was always a potential for us to smooth things over and maybe low-key work together. you were definitely taken out in a really ugly way and it was honestly kind of sad because I didn’t really think it would come to that in this game. I do know that everyone in the game really did like you and respect you as a player! Hope all is going well ~

Ruthie - This was 100% the hardest vote in the game. I’m really sorry, Dom. I know that you and I somehow end up on opposite sides and I promise I don’t go into games thinking ‘OH LOOK, THERE’S DOM, LET ME DO HIM DIRTY’ even though I know it might seem like I do. You are a social king, strategic king, there is no competition that you can’t excel in. You are just SO EASY to talk to- too easy. I definitely fought with myself over voting you out this season. First of all I really liked the alliance that you, Cole and I had but I heard that you guys were in several and that made me think that you and Cole were closer than I was with you or than I was with Cole. Seeing how close y’all were just made it that more evident that in order to weaken Cole that we would have to get rid of you. On a personal level I love you so much, you are such a nice and caring person and I hope that you never change and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. You don’t even want to know how many albums I’ve downloaded JUST BECAUSE you posted a great bop and I had to listen to more. I love you, I’m sorry for doing you so dirty and I’m glad that you didn’t take any of the game moves personally and that we are still good. <3

Elsa - Lol Jill, I love how we’d go from not talking to each other for days at a time, to asking each other wtf was gonna happen at tribal that week. Truly a bizarre partnership, dunno if that’s the right word. I’m sorry you got rocked out when you did, but like with Kaitlyn, much props for taking the risk of going to rocks at that point in the game. I’m also sorry if I annoyed with my whole spiel before tribal; had to do what I could to try and save my allies!! ^^;

JC - JILL!!! Queen of cats! Queen of rocks! Queen of never being voted out of IoS! You were so nice, a fav

Nicholas - okay so honestly i never get sad when people get removed from the game but I was sad after you got removed because I miss talking to you!!!!! You were probably one of the only people on this cast who I didn’t really know or had never heard of before this game and I’m so glad that I not only got to play with you but also be in an alliance and just chat in general. thx for letting me be a freak and do ur stat hw!!! no matter what happens in the rest of this game i hope that we can be friends plz

Ruthie - GIRL. You are such a freaking ray of sunshine. You and I didn’t talk much at all until like… pretty close to when you left. I remember being at Walmart and having to drive and convinced that Emily was secretly aligned with Dom and Cole then messaging you to steal my necklace and the rest was HISTORY! I’m so glad that I got to know you at least a little bit better, you are such a fun person and the alliance that we were in will probably forever be one of my favorite alliances of all time. I love you, I can’t wait to get to talk to you again… although I hope I won’t see you in jury!!

Elsa - Coleee )))))): Honestly, idk how you managed to… idk, I guess just survive for as long as you did. You had such a huge target on your back for so long, and it really is commendable that you managed to team up with people that were willing to go to extreme lengths to save you, myself included. I’m still thankful that you didn’t go through with voting me out after Chris suggested I be the vote that week… I mean, we weren’t really working together at that point, but you still saved me and that meant a lot. I’m really glad I got to know you through this ORG; you are one of the nicest people I have ever met, and the images you sent to the tribe chat, as well as your drags were the highlights of this entire game for me. If I could have saved you with an extra vote, you know I would have. Love you lots xxxxxxxxxxx ♥ ♥

JC - Coleeee :( we went from being complete enemies to loyal allies, it was really tough voting u out and ur super cool and I hope we can remain friends

Nicholas - I don’t really know what to say because I feel like we quickly went from being allies to rivals in this game. I think no matter what anyone says you definitely were able to stretch out your time in this game by at least 8 days by pulling some really smart tricks and stunts that typically flop if anyone tries it. Your tactics of trying to break some cracks in our alliance really did almost work and it was admirable how after dom and leah were gone you fought for 2 rounds and literally pulled almost every single trick in the book to stay. I know that if you managed to slide your way to the end of the game you definitely would have racked up some votes for constantly dodging votes. Either way, well played and you definitely have a lot to be proud of. Trying to get you out of this game was incredibly difficult and that was mostly because of your social savy and ability to get people to do what you wanted and be extremely loyal to you. So good job on a game well played!

Ruthie - I feel like you hate me now, and I hope you don’t. I really liked being aligned with you and Dom but I just felt like I was like y’alls pet goat that y’all were getting ready to take to the end. I hope you know that me turning on you was 100% strictly game, I had to do what was best for me because whether you believe me or not I think you would have DESTROYED me at final tribal council. I love you, and I do have to say that things are much quieter without you. I totally forgot to work on these until like two hours before they were due, I was fully planning to find a frog and face my fears to hold it to take a picture to add in this to you. ONE DAY!

Elsa - EMILY HNGGGH. This is the hardest message to write cuz idk. I have a lot to say, but I don’t really know what to say either. Ahh, I’ll do my best. Emily, you are a very likeable person and really sweet, and you are also really cunning too lol. I’ve said this before, but thank you for going to rocks for me earlier on in the game. Like… I didn’t fully expect you to (or Ruthie for that matter), but y’all are crazy and I’m still grateful. I really wanted us to continue working together for the rest of the game, but I guess… idk, I guess that wasn’t meant to be. I’m sad that you thought I wasn’t trustworthy enough after Matthias got out, because I had never lied to you and didn’t have plans on snaking you in any way. BUT OH WELL. The time you got idoled was insane. I’m glad we got to talk at least once more before you got voted out this week. I’m still really glad I met you and that we got to work together at least for a little while during the game. And I’m still lowkey rooting for you in… the other ORG you’re in. Or maybe you won, idk, I left the VL hehe. Much love ♥

JC - emily omg ROBBED ANGEL!! U deserved more but I obviously had to vote you bc you were such a big contender to win

Nicholas - Honestly I owe you an entire book as to why I did why I did last round, but I’m just going to start by apologizing on a personal level because I am so glad that we finally got to play a game together closely and on the same side of things for once. LMSO was honestly such a great alliance but you know that! I definitely owe you an explanation as to why I flipped last night and it’s because you are honestly such a sweet and genuine person and so well spoken that in any FTC setting you would have swept the floor with all of the rest of us. I know this because you just have an aura about you that is so positive and not in a fake way that makes everyone want to see you succeed and do well and I think that would have translated very well for you in this game. I know that it’s probably a shitty way to go with just an hour heads up and no chance to really talk about it, but I felt really guilty all day though I knew that this what was best for my personal game. You are and have always been a force to be reckoned with and I made the mistake of aligning with 3 people who are literally 4000% more likable than me so this was me trying to correct for that. I hope and honestly know that we will be friends after this is all over and I AM GENUINELY SO SORRY!!!! voting you out felt like kicking a child in the face with cleats and I feel so guilty though I know that if I didn’t you would have hands down won this game! I was going to say that I miss talking in our alliance chat about not game related things but honestly I’m the reason why we cant so lkdmskldsmcklmlkdmsds i guess i don’t have the right to say that ! but seriously i hope ur having a good week & i cant wait to catch up on the flip side!

Ruthie - EMILY, I didn’t think that any of these messages were going to be as long as the one I have for Dom but I think yours might be the length winner! I knew from the moment I saw you were playing that I wanted to work closely with you and I’m SO GLAD that we did! I loved getting all the supportive messages from our Azores family whenever we got through a tribal together. You were my number one ally through MOST OF THE GAME, but I do want to take this time to go into detail about something. I REALLY REALLY thought that I had royally screwed up by aligning with you, it was when Chris left? I was POSITIVE that you were aligned with Cole and Dom and I felt like I couldn’t tell you anything! I even like unloaded all my feelings about it on ELSA who I think maybe thinks I was faking, I have no idea. I want to apologize in advance for all the mean confessionals I wrote about you because I thought you flipped when obviously you didn’t! But okay, once I got over that I was 100% an Emily fan again and wanted us, Nicholas and Jill to make it ALL THE WAY to the end. This final 4 should have been us! THEN, last round when Nicholas flipped, it broke my heart and it STILL breaks my heart. I really wish that the three of us were still all in this together. I told him that I thought that it was a good move (because you would destroy us at FTC) but I just REALLY wish it didn’t happen and that you were still here. You are a RAY OF SUNSHINE and you put your all into this game and I’ve noticed that you put your all into everything you do and I LOVE LOVE LOVE that about you! I miss talking to you SO MUCH, cross your fingers that I’m not the next to join you. Also, you better win fan favorite! <3

Your final immunity challenge will now be posted. Good luck.

#rites of passage

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