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ahwait-no-yes · 4 years

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Let’s talk about if Saihara hated Ouma

So lately I’ve actually seen a bit more comments on how Saihara doesn’t actually like Ouma and people have gone as far as saying he hates him and idk why people genuinely believe it so here I am about to refute that (I’ve been waiting ages to make this post just so you know so this came out as a horribly unstructured ramble more than anything oops)

some notes beforehand:

I have an obvious bias as I do ship saiouma. although i’ll try to be neutral on what I say here, I can’t hide my bias. I have tried to include what people that hate this ship believe to counter them though, also if you ship other things that’s totally fine?? don’t think of any of this as an attack at your ship and I’m not saying Saihara loved Ouma, I’m just tired of people saying Saihara hated him.

You’re allowed to respectfully disagree as long as you don’t berate me or say I don’t know the game when the majority of the screenshots in this are from my own gameplay, lmao.

and massive whole-game spoilers! Don’t read this if you’ve not finished DRV3!

Glad to know you made it under the cut! now I can begin with where I think people got this idea that Saihara hates him from- the infamous “You’re alone Kokichi and you always will be” line.

I admit this was very cold and still breaks my fragile saiou heart, but to base Saihara’s entire perspective of Ouma on this one line he said while he wasn’t thinking straight is just.. no.. It’s unrealistic. we’ve seen how Saihara is able to adapt his views and grow (I’ll come back to this later), he’s not stubborn in this regard like Momota or even Ouma is, so even if he did mean it 100% (which I doubt because when *anybody* is angry they will say or do things they may regret had they been calmer), it’s not like his view on Ouma from chapter 4 was his final view on him. And that’s what people fail to realise.

So, how does Saihara view Ouma then?

well, I’d say he’s been interested in Ouma as a detective from the moment he met him with his curiosity piqued at Ouma’s claims of leading a secret organisation.

and he remains curious about Ouma throughout, always questioning why Ouma says certain things, what Ouma is lying for, he just wants to figure him out- and this doesn’t just apply to free time events either

I think you get my point there, now, I think if I didn’t ship saiou and read this, I’d argue these are all pre-chapter 5 and before the breaking line so he may have been curious before but not after- that then brings me to my next point

Saihara was confident- dare I say believed- in Ouma, especially after Chapter 5.

how bold of me to say ikr, but this ties in to Saihara’s ability to adapt his views. He’s sort of like a mixture of both Kaito and Ouma honestly, because naturally as a detective he has to be suspicious and think logically as Ouma does, while at the same time Kaito taught him to believe in his friends which has also helped him to advance in trials. I think he might have extended this belief to Ouma, because he trusts that Ouma is doing what he does for a reason.

In fact, I’d argue he’s the only one of the remaining group who wouldn’t readily accept pinning Ouma down as a villain. If anything, it’s the opposite- Saihara fought to clear Ouma’s name, and never stopped trying to understand whether or not his intentions were true or false

i’ll just drop this screenshot here (that i named THIS MAKES ME SO HAPPY.png in case you were wondering)

this is what I mean when I say he wouldn��t accept it as fast as the others and would second-guess it, bear in mind this is the moment Ouma “admitted” to being the mastermind. and it’s not like this doubt was sudden or anything, cause I can recall this moment (that I actually didn’t catch on to on my first playthrough)

which gives me the idea that hadn’t Ouma purposefully messed with everyone and built up his bad reputation, it would’ve been so much easier for Saihara to disprove him being the mastermind at the point he said it.

Anyway, going back to my point- excluding Kaito (cause Ouma directly told him), Saihara is the first to bring up Ouma’s innocence, and this is what I mean when I say Saihara believed in Ouma

note that I say believed in. believing Ouma and believing in Ouma are different, it’s like how loving someone and being in love with someone are two different things, so don’t argue that by saying “he didn’t trust him” because ik that and that’s not what I’m trying to say.

but he did believe that Ouma had his reasons, and he tried to discover and understand them. I mean, take this for example

he’s already on board lool look at him go, but no really look at the confidence

he’s both confident in himself and in Ouma not lying here, then goes back to being curious about his intentions

oh and let’s not forget who it was that searched Ouma’s lab to find clues to prove he is a remnant of despair. Why do you need to search for evidence for something you (and the others even more) think is irrefutably true? the answer is obvious- he was doubtful of it from the start, and needed evidence to convince himself it was true, but then as he found nothing to prove it (and even evidence against it), he had to convince the others of it too- and prove Ouma’s innocence

(the last screenshot was from Hikkie’s playthrough on Youtube)

But as you can see, he’s clearing Ouma’s name as the leader of the Remnants of Despair.

Now, I bet someone would argue that this only proves Saihara was determined to find the truth in general, because he’s mister detective, so I’ll raise you the fact that Saihara didn’t need to try figuring why Ouma does the things he does- he could leave it at just knowing the truth and if he really didn’t like Ouma like people say then there’s not much merit to it.

“So what if I know this now? I didn’t care about him, it’s pointless” he could’ve thought something like that, but no

(I also think the “you’re lying again kokichi, there’s a method to your madness” moment fits here too)

Not only this, but there’s also how Saihara learnt from him.

honestly im still kinda mindblown from this ever since I first realised it, but when you think about it, Ouma hinted to Saihara in his FTEs how to win the game.

(those 3 screenshots are from justonegamr’s kokichi’s FTE video; random fun fact this was the playthrough that i watched while first getting into drv3)

But if you think about it, Ouma tried this again in his own trial in his attempt at ending the killing game and then Saihara also used this to actually end it

Not only that (which personally i think is pretty powerful in itself), but Saihara also tries to take Ouma seriously and picks up hints he leaves and uses them later

as well as

(and generally just)

generally, Ouma will hint and then Saihara will pick it up. it’s been like that for the whole game- why should Saihara give any extra thought to what Ouma hints if he dislikes him?? really, he could’ve just ignored him the same way he did at the end of chapter 4- but again, he didn’t “”hate”” Ouma enough to keep ignoring him, he considered him a friend in the end anyway.

and the end is what I’ll talk about now, too.

first- can we just acknowledge this?

he doesn’t ignore Ouma at all here. even though he didn’t trust him, he was sad to have lost him.

Not to mention the way he thinks about lying at the end of Chapter 6. (like, please this is just- *chefs kiss*)

IMAGINE Ouma was alive to hear him say that omg but Saihara could (and probably would) extend what he says here to Ouma himself- y’know, the ‘embodiment of lies’

by thinking about lies in a different angle instead of at face value like this, he gets a more neutral view on them rather than just thinking “they’re bad!!”, why wouldn’t he be able to do the same for Ouma? especially now that he knows Ouma was innocent and actually hated the game as much as they all did. I mean hey, even after chapter 5′s trial he sort of already thinks about lies differently

and throughout this post, I’ve tried to avoid talking about his free time events or his salmon mode ending because people always say “well they’re not canon” and to that I say not canon to the plot, yes, but still canon to the characters. so yeah, I don’t disregard any of them.

from this point onwards these all technically happen before chapter 5, so it’s not entirely relevant to my point that saihara still liked ouma even after the end of chapter 4, but it’s still something that shows he liked him beforehand at least. I mainly just wanna ramble though haha

one thing I’ve always thought was interesting was how Saihara easily lashed out at Kaito in his own free time event

and Kaito is undeniably Saihara’s best friend who he holds in high regard. If Saihara having backbone means he doesn’t like someone then damn bye bye momota have a nice trip in space

in terms of ouma and saihara though

how about the fact that Saihara willingly sat there and played rock paper scissors (janken pon!) with Ouma 100 times?? bruh I got bored playing that with my brother after 8 rounds yesterday how would Saihara manage 100?? would you really have the patience for that when you don’t even like the person you’re playing with?

how about his third free time event too?

(from justonegamr’s kokichi fte video)

Saihara wanted to spend some time with Ouma, that’s- its literally written there I don’t know what you want from me the guy wanted a nice time with someone he supposedly doesnt like

what I love about this is how “reaching out” could be taken both literally and figuratively. Wanting to understand someone and trying to find a way to but them being too unwilling to trust anyone.. damn 😔👊 also shuuichi either wanted to handshake or hold hands, what else do you do when you reach for someone’s hand come on

oh yes and how about that he’s content with the refusal because it allowed him to figure out a small thing about Ouma? understanding that Ouma has a different way of being reached out to? mhm please think about that for a bit

that parallel in the salmon ending too...

he considered how it’ll be like with him after they get out and how he’ll learn about him, then ultimately decided when ouma reached out to him that he does want this, and even comments on the warmth of his hand... afhskfdlj

his blush when ouma mentions how his lies didn’t bore saihara was also a very cute moment

ooh and what about the love hotel???

there’s that one line “I know i’m meant to be Kokichi’s ideal in this fantasy but when he tells me he loves me I feel like he means the opposite” or something like that- i’d argue it’s because he’s cautious of Ouma for one but also am I getting something wrong here or is he talking about how he, Shuuichi, thinks Ouma doesn’t like him? because I see people argue this is proof saihara doesn’t like ouma but all he’s really doing is just doubting ouma loves him

well in any case

WHY would he want him to stay in a love hotel of all places if he disliked him?! I know I’m just a broken record at this point but I can’t think of anything logical for it. they didnt even need to include that line in the scene at all but they did like they could’ve easily said something to do with realising where he was instead but nah. even after the event’s over, he says to himself

doesn’t he sound disappointed by it? and the fact that he even questions if it was a dream- okay

ooh, something i’ve realised while writing this as well: it kind of seems like Saihara might not want to like him but does anyway; he quickly ‘smothered the thought’ of staying with Kokichi, didn’t want to admit that Ouma’s lies never bored him, and I also thought about how in one of Kaito’s free time events he says to himself “I shouldn’t be talking about another boy like that”- well, maybe it’s similar for how he thinks of ouma? it’s not like Saihara didn’t care for the others’ opinion on him (probably the opposite ngl if you mess up in class trials he says something along the lines of“Ah I screwed up! They probably think I’m a fraud”) and considering nobody else liked ouma (except for maybe gonta) I wouldn’t be surprised if he felt shame for liking him, thus repressing that feeling (especially around the others, there’s that part in trial 4 where he’s trying to convince kaito he isn’t siding with ouma cause he knows by doing that could damage his friendship with his bro)

I mean this is something I only thought of just now, but it could be plausible (i hope?)

One last thing- I find it incredibly funny how in chapter 2 when ouma is literally on top of saihara he doesn’t freak out or scream and everyone else in the room is also completely chill with it and unquestioning. no really they’re just standing there.. and how long was ouma even in that position for??

Now, I think that’s all. So to finish off, I’ll just say

People get the idea that saiouma is bad because some don’t realise Saihara can still like a person without idolising or putting them on a pedestal. Idk if this is gonna sound controversial or not, but I honestly do think he did exactly that to Kaito and Kaede- which doesn’t make what they have with him toxic or bad at all, I just think his view on Ouma is a lot more realistic and less clouded. Heck, if Saihara canonically liked Ouma as much as he does with the other two I don’t know if I’d ship saiouma as hard as I do (it is fun to imagine though).

If you actually read through this then.. wow? I’m surprised you got through this unstructured mess? I hope you can agree with me for some of my points at least but I’m not here to convince you or anything, this has just been on my mind for weeks now I needed to get it out somehow.

I said it at the start and i’ll say it again now too- i didn’t intend on attacking or comparing saiou to any other ships so I do apologise if I seem like it, i’m just terrible with my wording (lmk if something genuinely offended you, i’ll probably change it) but you’re free to ship whatever you like cause at the end of the day it’s just a bit of fun. that being said, I don’t want to actually argue on this so please don’t haha, i’ve contemplated just deleting this but I’ve put a lot of effort into this post even though i cant analyse for 💩

I hope you can enjoy the rest of your day!

have the kokichi gaygun as a farewell present

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kyluxtrashpit · 6 years

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For the writing game, I couldn't decide which, all the colors please? They're so interesting!

Omg I was so excited when I saw this! You’re so sweet to enable my rambling

Red: What type of writer’s block do you experience the most?

I guess the most common one is I get stuck in transitions. Like I know how this scene goes and I know how the next scene goes, but I don’t know exactly how to get from A to B and it’s one of those cases where I can’t just put a line and jump to it. Scene transitions are one of the hardest things for me for some reason. The second most common for me is probably when my brain is being a shit and won’t let me be productive due to some sort of emotional crisis lmao

White: Are you a supporter/lover of fanfiction?

I mean, kind of obvious lmao, but absolutely. I think it’s great that there are people who are creating things solely out of love for something, and that’s really what fanfiction is, at it’s deepest core. It’s a community of people being so enthusiastic about and loving something so hard that they work their asses of and dedicate time to just… making more of it. For no real external benefit other than some social validation, if they’re lucky. Love and passion are the true motivators and idk that’s just really beautiful to me

Black: Would you want to live in one of the fictional worlds you’vecreated?

I don’t really do a lot of worldbuilding because I find it incredibly boring and I’m terrible at it lmao, but since I always write either canon-verse or modern au, I’m going to treat this as ‘do I want to live in the Star Wars universe?’. And the answer to that would honestly be no. As much as there’s cool stuff, like advanced technology and aliens and maybe I’d be lucky enough to be able to move shit with my mind, there’s also a lot of bad things. A lot of fascism, a lot of wars, and every once in a while some asshole builds a planet-destroying superweapon and blows up a planet (or 5) and like… I could live on one of those, you know

That said, if I didn’t die because the planet I was living on exploded, I would probably survive alright. I mean, my background is in science, so tbh I might have better opportunities there than I do here. While that could mean making chemical weapons or something if the Empire was in power, that’s at least more interesting than customer service at a chemical company lmao. I still wouldn’t choose to live there, but I think I’d manage okay if I had to

[More beneath the cut - my sincerest apologies to those on mobile]

Blue: What’s more important to you: characters or plot?

I mean, they both definitely matter, but if I have to choose? Interesting characters can save a dry plot, but the best plot ever written will still be mediocre at best if the characters aren’t compelling. Personally, I love character-driven stories more than anything. Event-driven plots can still be fun, but I prefer the focus to be on how the characters are dealing with said events, as opposed to them just being passively driven along by them. The best is when it’s the characters themselves driving the events of the plot, but that’s more difficult to execute than it sounds. Regardless, it’s the characters that usually draw me into a story in the first place and that keep me interested. And from the perspective of my own writing, I go character-driven, all the way. Sure, some event might happen that drives the plot sometimes, but I’m far more interested in how the characters react to that event than anything else

Yellow: What’s a common writing tip that you mostly ignore?

In terms of writing advice, nothing makes my blood boil more than those posts that say ‘get rid of this entire class of words’ or ‘if it’s not absolutely strictly necessary to the plot, cut it’. Fuck that shit. If you want your writing to look like Hemingway, sure, go for it, but a) Hemingway is overrated, and b) that’s not the only way to write well. Especially as someone who tends to focus on characters, passages that aren’t necessary to the plot may be necessary to establish characterization. Or they may add some emotion to the story that gets the reader invested. Same with wording choices; more or less words can drastically change the tone or mood of the scene. Are there times when you need to cut words and keep things concise? Absolutely, but any writing tip that says ‘remove every instance of [word] in your document’ is fucking bullshit and you should never listen to it

Grey: What’s a common writing tip that you almost always follow?

Tbh I think every writing tip you see should always be taken with a grain of salt, especially if it’s a ‘never do x’ because there is almost always a situation where doing x is the right thing to do, it’s just a matter of knowing how to do it correctly (looking at you, ‘never use the passive voice’). So really, there are very few I always follow, but I’ll give one that was foundationally helpful for me

Edit in a different format than you write. That can be changing the text size, or the font, or printing it out physically, or whatever. For me, I usually pop it into AO3′s preview function and take notes of things that need changing as I go. It forces your brain to notice things it’s been overlooking for the entire writing period. I only do my final edit this way, generally speaking, but I’ve found it to be incredibly helpful for catching typos and general weirdness in the writing

Orange: How many projects do you usually have going at once?

Because my fics are usually short, I tend to only have 1, but I think I’ve had up to 3-4 before. That’s basically me just popping between documents everytime I get stuck on one until one is finished lmao. But more than 2 gets to be a lot to handle

Currently, I’m really only working on my Big Bang fic, though I do have at least one one-shot I’m planning to write when I need a short break from it

Pink: Which of your characters would become your best friend?

This is so hard because like, I don’t get along with a lot of people generally speaking. I’m also going to treat this as the entire SW cast even though I only write Kylo and Hux, for the most part. And I’m not sure I’d be good friends with either of them. While Kylo would make an excellent self-destruction buddy, I think we’re too similar for the most part to get along. And while I also have an element of Hux in me that’s my anal retentiveness when it comes to organization (not to be confused with cleanliness; I’m talking more about my colour-coded work email and my nested folder system on my computer), I’m also very emotional, messy, and I’m not really equipped to verbally spar with him. I think I would actually do okay with Hux as a boss, not a friend, but with Kylo, I think we’d get along really well until we really didn’t. And then I would be dead lmao

Aaaand none of that was an actual answer. But like, I honestly don’t know? Most of the other characters I really like (e.g. Rey, Rae Sloane, Ventress), it’s because I would have a big huge crush on them which would manifest as my hovering in their vicinity a lot but never actually starting a conversation and then waxing poetic while crying about my unrequited love when I continue to go unnoticed lmao. Which is, well, still not friendship

Maybe Finn… I might get along really well with Finn. He’s one of my favourites as well and I think he’d be really interesting to talk to. Has a lot of interesting views on things, likely a good listener. Hm. I’m still not 100% solid on it, but after far too many words, that’s my answer lmao

Purple: Which of your characters would become your sworn enemy?

Okay, hear me out on this one because the reason isn’t what you think lmao. I’m also treating this less as ‘sworn enemy’ and more ‘person I’d least get along with’ and that’s actually Poe. And the reason is that highly extroverted, extremely friendly people who others call charismatic tend to rub me the wrong way. Like there’s nothing wrong with them, they’re perfectly nice, but they’re just too friendly and my socially-inept, introverted brain always responds to that with DANGER DANGER. And I think he would definitely fall into that category for me haha

Green: Pencil, typewriter, or computer?

Computer. I have written fic by hand before (I also sometimes do planning by hand, just because it can be a bit more visual; Fractured was planned largely by hand when I used to work evenings at a gym and had access to unlimited spare paper), but that’s usually only when I have nothing else to work with. I wrote most of a fic in the Halifax airport on a layover, once. I’ve also done it on my phone, but that’s too fucking annoying lmao. Typerwriters are super fun to use but also very impractical for me; my typing accuracy isn’t good enough

Brown: Do you have a set writing space? Or do you write everywhere?

Mostly I’m at home on my couch, but that’s really cause I have nowhere else to write. I do write at work sometimes (not smut though lmao), but only when it’s slow enough that I can get away with it. And there’s nowhere else I really go where I’m sitting with a computer for long periods of time

Silver: Are you comfortable writing in public places?

I am, yeah. I don’t know why I wouldn’t be tbh. Work is a public place and the only reason I don’t write smut there is because I don’t want to get fired lmao (slacking off is one thing, porn is another). I don’t really ever write in public, but that’s more because I don’t spend a lot of time sitting in public places by myself

Gold: Do your stories usually contain lessons or morals?

Not really… I can’t think of any at least. They always have some sort of closure, though, because I fucking hate open-ended stuff where everything isn’t worked out in the end lmao (or is at least on it’s way there). I’m too fragile for that shit haha

Clear: Do your characters control where the story goes or do youmaintain control?

I tend to write more like an rper than an actual author, based on conversations I’ve had with others, so my characters have a lot of control. That said, if you’ve got your plot and all the major points of it planned out and then you get halfway through and find it doesn’t work because of the characters, then that’s a failure in planning, not the characters taking control. Sometimes things do change and are reworked as you go, that’s the nature of writing, but that still means your plan needed some adjusting, you just didn’t know it at the time. I intentionally leave a lot of room in my plans for the characters (e.g. ‘and then they talk about [blank]. Hux says something mean and Kylo gets angry’ might be my only note for an entire scene), but if you’ve planned enough to actually start writing, your characters and plot should already work together. Characters control the minor details of the story, not the major plot

Tan: Are you open to co-writing a story?

I might be. I’ve never done it before and the Big Bang I’m doing now is the most collaborative thing I’ve ever done writing-wise. If someone approached me and was really interested in it, I might be willing to give it a shot. I’m not really sure how it works, though. I tend to envision it as basically an rp except it’s planned out beforehand and then edited afterwards, but in all honesty, I have no idea how it actually goes

#this was so fun thank you so much #also you're the only one who sent in an ask so it worked out really well lmao #I think it got a little incoherent halfway through but meh that's just how I work most of the time haha #I love to ramble and thank you again for giving me the opportunity to do so <3 #squire reblogs #ask tag #things I am tagged in #sort of but not really #long post #for the folks on mobile #my fic #because I can

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uclaradio · 5 years

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Interview with Nyallah Transcription (12/1/18)

Interview and transcription by Princess Amugo

Princess: Discussing her career and her new single. But would you like to introduce yourself to the people?

Nyallah: Yes hey friends my name's Nyallah I am a vocalist, songwriter, from Los Angeles, I don't go to yalls school. I'm actually from rival territory, but I don't have beef with y'all. I think yall cool, so it's all good. If you have beef that's fine, throw hands.

P: Post up *laughter*

N: right, what's good. But yeah my name is Nyallah, I'm 20, I'm a vocalist, writer, I do like R&B, soul, hip-hop music, influenced music. I've been working on a project called 'Reflections' that is scheduled to drop in December. I am super excited as Princess said earlier, I have a single called 'Growing Pains' that I wrote ages ago but is still relatable content til this day. Omg there's a jam playing...

*Nyallah gets super flustered because my roommate started playing her song during the interview lol,*

But yeah I'm from LA, I study music at SC, I also curate events. I love culture, stuff pertaining to black culture, stuff pertaining to advancing Black culture and advancing knowledge and all that beautiful to black folks and accessibility and things. I think its important as artists that we do that shit and that take the time to give back to our communities that are less fortunate, not less fortunate, but in the terms of white people, yeah less fortunate to everyone else. Y'all should run us some coin lol

P: Right off the back, I, idk I could feel it through text. I loved her energy and I could tell through text that she was a genuine person. Just to start off, we can first talk about your single and then we can branch out. I just wanted to know what was one of your inspirations for writing this song (i.e Growing Pains)

N: So yeah, Growing Pains I started writing in 2017. It's the 3rd song that I wrote that I then put on the project. I wrote it during a time when I was just really sad and really depressed and just really going through it. I had just gotten out of a relationship and I had a whole 360 with my friend group. Spending time with folks that I thought I was gonna be with forever and then that changing. It was just a really tough time, there were also just things at my personal level, like it was a lot of growth and a lot of difficulty. Growing Pains was the song that I wrote kind of thinking 'oh ok so like imagining' Me imaging myself 6 months from now like being healed and fine, I was like ok 'what would I tell myself right now'. And so I kind of wrote it in that sense. And its kind of funny, because for a while Growing Pains felt sad because I'm talking about myself not falling back to the past but it's hard for you to be like 'don't do that`if I'm literally actively doing that. Now I am in a place where I can sing the song or I can listen to the song and its so light and its so happy and its a lot more different because the intention and the meaning behind it has shifted due to my own growth as a person and my own growth in terms of the relationship with the song. But yeah pretty much that is the premise behind it, it was me writing affirmations to myself to remind myself that everything would be good. That's like kind of how all my music is like honestly, it all kind of sounds like affirmations or conversations with self. They kind of feel like journal entries like poetic journal entries that rhyme, that have some riffs and have some really cool background shit. But yeah that's the premise behind 'Growing Pains'.

P: Sounds like Growing Pains acted like a time capsule of emotion that you opened up later on as you grew

N: Yeah, I think the emotion behind it changed, because the first time it me crying out to myself like 'don't fall back to the past' 'don't do this' beating myself, you can't do that, you can't do this you know like a little kid, slapping them on the wrist and then as time passed and as I started writing more of the project growing into myself and just really embracing everything about my identity, about me as a person, not surface level but me as Nyallah and then me as Nyallah black, queer femme. And then me as black queer femme who is a vocalist and an artist and a content creator and all these different things and yeah. I was in a place where I was at the beginning of that journey and now I am a little bit further along that journey, I don't think I'm done, I don't think the journey is ever done but I am very much further along in that journey. I have a very different perspective on things now and I needed to go through that really dark time of feeling straight up alone even though I wasn't really alone. There were people in my life that still cared about me, I had to go through that process of 'dang nobody gives a fuck about me' and feeling like 'so many people who were close to me you just turned on me' people who I known for years...there are certain situations that you think its not going to go that way but it does and that's life. With this project, Reflections, the whole reason that it is called reflections is because it’s like me looking at the mirror and being like this is all the shit that I have learned and experienced within the last year, this is where I am at. It's like me being like, hey guys hows it going my name is Nyallah. Here is where I have been for the last 2 years and I know you've all been curious, I'm a Capricorn I don't say shit so yall don't know what really is going on. But here enjoy. That is what the intention of it is was. I wasn't the writing the project to write a project, like I was just writing to write and then eventually I was like 'oh I have enough stuff where I could make a project like I could tell a story, I could really go into some stuff and unpack my shit.

P: Speak your truth and things.

N: Exactly because that's really what music is for me. Its healing and unpacking and releasing. If I'm able to do that for myself and then do that for other people through my music like me get that therapy and then also be able to inspire others and get people through tough times like that is a blessing cause it's not all about me or any of us, its just all about the collective. And I think that the more we recognize that and the more that we actively work with that in mind things are a lot easier. I learned that, and I'm learning that now because of all that I have experienced you know. Like I said I had to go through times of feeling like dang I'm really alone, I don't think this will ever get better like oh I'm black and queer and femme and the whole world is essentially out to get me like I am not the norm. I am the polar opposite of what is the norm which is upper-middle class, cis-hetero white male total opposite. This world, in America, but the world at large the world at large is built to not support me, to not allow me to exist but me learning to be like with that all in mind still choosing love, still choosing to focus what I can do for my people, in the moment....I had to experience all of that in order to understand that...

P: Wow I loved your answer. I guess you already answered this question in a way but I was going to ask now that you have this mindset, how do you now navigate through the world as an artist as a black queer femme.

N: Just unapologetically as fuck. I've gone through the process of 'omg I'm going to silence myself, omg I'm going to do this, oh I need to make it so I'm palatable, omg I'm super femme but I'm not here for the male gaze but I think I need to do this for the male gaze so that I can get---I don't give a fuck. Like I don't care anymore because the fact of the matter is, this whole thing is not made for me so I'm not supposed to succeed in it anyway even if I do do all that stuff so I'm just gonna do what I need to do, what feels comfortable, what feels safe, what feels rational for me. In order for me to get through and like that's not playing into these norms or these stereotypes and these expectations `and all this fuckshit that has been put on us by white supremacist society. I think that it's really interesting because people ask me this all the time "how do you navigate spaces" and I'm just like I come in with my bright colored hair I'm dressed however I'm dressed and I do what I have to do. I mean, I always feel that because I'm black and because I'm a woman I just deal with hella sexism and hella racism and then the intersectionality of that. Dealing with white men not acknowledging your existence and like your voice being silenced by white men, by black men, by white women, by this by that until they need something from you. I have always dealt with high expectations. I have really high expectations, that's why I have anxiety. A lot of my anxiety is because of shit I've normalized that's really just something that society has taught me like....being in these spaces where you're doing that work you are doing above and beyond but yet you're seeing your white counterparts doing a quarter of the work and getting triple the praise for shitty work...I think knowing that we did all of this, I'm not an egomaniac. I think its really easy as black people to get trapped up in the cycle of white supremacy and of capitalism and all that shit. Where we think that we need to have all these cars and all that stuff on the class level but also in the terms of 'I need to look a certain way, I need to detach from my blackness' I'm not going to use any examples 'I'm going to detach from what feels comfortable to me' because blackness is so fluid. It's the gang bangers, its the crips and bloods doing ay and z but its also the Afrocentric folxs doing drum circles its all these different things. Its the black folks going to school and trying to be doctors and lawyers, it's the black folxs that are change makers in public policy, it's the black people doing curation and creative work. WE are so fluid and I think as much as they have tried to shove my blackness in my face, it's just helped me loved my blackness more. It makes me realize, I have something that y'all don't have and it makes you mad and I don't know why you're perfect just the way you are, you don't need any of this just like I don't need any of your shit, but that's your battle that you have to fight um and if you keep trying to project on me you can but I'm going to keep being unfazed and just doing what I need to do and focusing on myself..What I have learned going to a PWI in the music program, especially being black and queer you experience people wanting to pimp you out but they also want you to sit down and take their shit and to be shat on over and over again...Its interesting to see the dichotomies...its crazy because you're in the middle of this intersection and you have people constantly telling you that you need to ignore this part of you, this is what you are and its so fucking annoying and I've just learned how to just silence most of [the bullshit] but I think I've gotten good at being like that's how yall feel but this is where I'm at, this is what I'm feeling, this is like what I stand for and that's like made it a lot easier. Remembering this is all us, like we did this, that always makes me feel really good...Being in the music program I've dealt with [violence, manipulation, the most malicious shit], but I can't sit and be malicious too because its a dumbass cycle and that is what you want, you want me to vibrate lower, be bitter, to step out of my zone and step out of focusing on myself and focusing on putting the people forward to focusing on your petty shit, I don't give a fuck. I've learned so much about detachment within my program, I navigate spaces and relationships differently....learning how to do the work even when that person doesn't fuck with you and makes it point to make it difficult. I've matured so much. Its eye opening because as a black, queer woman you see damn yall all made childish, you have to mature so quickly....I've learned to love myself more and grown into myself more...cause I've tried conforming and not conforming and I'm like you don't like that still because there will always be something wrong with me [in their eyes] because at the end of the day I still look the way I look, I still have the history I have and at the end of the day you don't like what you see because of your own personal things...that's why I don't care about white people...because I have encyclopedia of receipts of yall. My identity, in relation to my program, has taught me how to focus on myself at the end of the day I just have to focus on myself....

P:...You just hit the mark on everything...I wanted to ask what other mediums do you do?

N: Music is my main thing that I have done the longest to go back to prior to college, I did musical theatre all of high school. I started doing theatre in 8th grade and then I just started doing musical theatre and stuff. I did my first straight play Senior year, I did Joe Turner's 'Come and Gone' by August Wilson. Black, black, plays. It's really good, it talks about the slave trade, it actually talks about intergenerational stuff. Like that's literally my whole thing. I feel like the universe brought me here in part do intergenerational work and shit. So I've always done music and I joined a choir in the fourth grade and I started learning how to play piano around the same time. In elementary school, I played violin for a little bit, clarinet for a little bit. Violin for like 2 years, Clarinet for like a year. Then in middle school, I did choir still, I was given awards in talent shows and shit. Then I did a play in the 8th grade and then I could write. That's when I realized I could write like I could write plays because I always wrote poetry in like stories and tried to write a song but I just didn't. For some reason it was really hard, I was a good detailed writer but I couldn't put it with the music, it was always really hard, it would always be too many words, not enough melody or something. It was always something. I honestly just needed to refine it. It was always in the back of my head. Then I went to high school, I went to Hollywood High for 2 years and did show choir there and choir and plays and stuff, musicals. Then I started my first musical In the Heights my sophomore year and Abuela Claudia that shit was hard, she be sanging lol. I did a musical twice, I did it my sophomore year, junior year, when I switched schools we did it again. So I've just always done chamber choir, show choir, musical theatre, plays, I did photography. Like I was always writing. Writing and music is what I've done the longest and photography. Photography I started in 9th grade, summer of 9th grade. I was doing that and then stop. I always would stop and go with cause I feel like with photography, I loved the visual, I think it's important, I love the snapshot of just a moment and being able to curate that moment exactly how you wanted it to be or capturing what is. I'm always dating visual artists because I just love how their minds work. I love how they can see the world and they see it completely different from how everyone views it but they can still merge their shit into another thing that's dope. But yeah I was doing all those different things and then I did Grammy Camp the summer before my senior year of high school and that's when I was like 'oh dang I can study music' because for the longest time, I was like 'I'm just gonna be a writer, I'm going to study English, I'm going to study film and its fine and it's fine because people kept telling me that you can't do music, everyone wants to do music. But then when I went to Grammy Camp at USC I was like 'oh there is a contemporary music program that is not just Jazz or Classical' because I knew that I wouldn't be able to get into any of those programs because I wasn't classically trained and I wasn't jazz trained, I hadn't been doing that for years. So I just knew that and I was like 'damn how the fuck was this gon work' and yeah I applied to USC I also had really good grades. They always knew that I would get into any school I applied to, they were just like 'you need to figure out what you want to do' you're smart, but you don't need to read for the rest of your life. That's already going to be something to do. I applied to USC got in the first time, didn't get into the Music Program but I got in for English and then after that, I got into the School to transfer. So I've been doing the program for three years and not four which means I have to take more classes at once and it's jam-packed. Its kind of hard, but I'm almost done yknow I have one more semester after this, I'm thankful I've gotten through this one. I'm literally like damn I'm almost finished....I was always just doing different things. But now I do music mostly I write as well. So I sing and I write but I also take photos still. I'm trying to add more photos onto my feed but I keep having a conflict of interest with it because its like oh I'm an artist, I'm a musician so all my stuff on my feed should be my music but then its like naw if I wanna post all that---its just kind of hard, I keep going back and forth with stuff. I'm gonna just starting being more fluid with it. I do photography, I write poetry but I put that on the same line as the music, but I write. Poetry helps me how I write out lyrically...I do content curation. I started this series called the loft sessions my sophomore year of college, I'm a senior now. We've been on a hiatus because I needed to finish my EP Reflections. But now that's almost done, I want to regroup and figure something out. I want to do some stuff and what else. I love doing events. Loft Sessions was kind of cool because it was a quarterly event series centered around black artists, for black artists, by black artists. I started it because I was tired of going to all these events that were school funded and there were no black artists, we weren't at the center. Or feeling like damn ok if my music isn't this, this or this, it's not gonna work, it’s not gonna sell. So I started Loft Session, it was actually in collab with some UCLA folxs so a lot of my friends at UCLA and USC came together and they helped me put everything together. I would curate everything like the lineup and do it in my loft, in the loft I lived in. We would sell drinks and whatnot and showcase so many different types of artists. We'll have black visual artists, photographers, I wanted to do filmmakers at one point. I wanted to live painting and different stuff like that, they would showcase like that and then we would have live DJs, bands, rappers, singers etc come in and perform. I was really cool because it was just a space where everybody black was able to behold space, have fun...supporting black artists and meeting new people. Just having a good ass fucking time. But I want to focus more marginalized voices in the black community because we had a lot of men and I had different rules that were disrespected...now that I have more time I understand how to navigate that differently. We didn't turn away anyone who wasn't black...it was nice that we were at the center. I want to plan some things over winter break and over the next year. I want to plan shows, collaborative things, identity focused-caused focused events because those are important...I want everyone to get that representation because it's long overdue. Other than singing, writing songs poetry stories, event curation and photography. I want to do more creative direction. Like with my project I want to more directing but I'm scared. I want to find a filmmaker that I can vibe and we can collaborate and ....I want to be as active in my process as possible I'm not tryna be idle. I like to cook. Spirituality, holistic healing. I'm a crystal wearer...

P: You've already answered this, but I was going to ask, what should we be looking for in terms of like what you're going to be putting out in terms of projects. You've already answered this with curating, creative curation, all of that and of course your EP coming out "Reflections"

N: I can reiterate

P: Yeah for sure

N: Well Growing Pains is out right now, that is on all streaming platforms, Spotify, Apple Music Tidal, Youtube, SoundCloud, Amazon Prime, etc Listen to it add it to your playlist, share it with your mommy your aunty your grandma everybody. Share it with your cousin the girl that you were into, send it to your friends like they were going to get through these finals yall need to get through these finals, we going to get these degrees. We're going to get this bread, whatever that bag is for you were going to get this bag. Number 2 Reflections is set to be dropping this month. Keep an eye out for that. Honestly, y'all should follow me on Instagram, I should activate my Twitter. I have to figure what worlds I would be in twitter..but yeah follow me on Instagram. I post all my updates there, I also post a lot of good informational stuff about spirit and yknow numerology in addition to blackness, everyday news, queerness, and other marginalized communities. We just discuss shit, we like to talk about shit lol. Follow me there like I said n.yallah on Instagram.

#nyallah #reflections #growing pains #new music #ucla radio #ucla radio music #college radio #ArtistInterview

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