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sidesteppostinghours · 2 months

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Rolling in 10 hrs late but— 27, 28 Caine, 17, 34 for Cecilia? And B for all ur Steps, if you don’t mind :)

morning! thank you for the ask :D

27. What causes them to feel dread?

the fun thing about caine is that hes got really good instincts. its only heightened with hark (over 30 precog im p sure?) since hark encouraged him to listen to their gut. so if somethings about to go wrong, yeah, the dread is kicking in and theyre nope-ing the fuck out of there (the only exception to this is the casino scene). but there can also be false alarms if he disassociates hard enough, which is becoming more frequent lately. their paranoia+growing insomnia just adds to all of it. basically they just feel dread half the time,,, but also a more tangible thing that causes them to feel dread would probably be ortegas mind. if theyre in the wrong headspace, ortega brings back too many bad memories for them to feel safe.

28. Would they prefer a lie over an unpleasant truth?

hmmm,,,, im not sure! it really depends on why the other person is lying about it ig, and how severe/urgent the unpleasant truth is. by default he tends to prefer the truth, but its mostly for informations sake. for example, with argent, they Really wouldve preferred not knowing what she was capable of. now that the cats out of the bag hes even more paranoid, especially since they have no information on her to use to protect himself. meanwhile, with the autopsy pics, they appreciated chen telling them what happened because it gave them a better idea of what happened while they were gone, and in their eyes chen had no obligation to tell them (plus they got some free bonus info about the kind of contacts chen has which is really useful too). basically, if he thinks he needs it to do things better or more efficiently, hell be ticked off about somebody withholding the truth from him, and vice versca if he thinks the lie would be more beneficial to him instead. either way though, theyre good at keeping their emotions in check, so hed be fine getting the unpleasant truth either way.

17. Are they easily embarrassed?

nope! not at all. i mean, if she hyped herself up and managed to fail spectacularly, then yeah, i could see her getting majorly embarrassed. but thats p much one of the few situations i could imagine her feeling like that. ceci isnt known for shame– shes extremely blunt, to the point of being insensitive, and shes willing to do a lot for a quick kick. except,,,,,hmmmm,, argent making a comment or stealing a quick kiss when she didnt expect it and managing to fluster her,,,,,, please hold while i experience the visionsTM.

34. How hard is it for them to shake a sense of guilt?

oof. i think prehb the guilt of what she left behind was definitely there, but it got buried under the satisfaction of being free and having fun for once. nowadays, she still lives by those principles, that no matter what happened at least shes here now, but this time around theres an added layer of her actively trying to forget. if she does something she genuinely regrets, its still getting buried, but itll just claw right back to her in inopportune moments. most of the time though, guilt is getting tossed right back out the window so it doesnt disturb her happy fun loving times. no, ortega, no, finch, she is NOT repressing, she is simply being #goofysilly and will not stand for regret ruining her vibe.

B) What inspired you to create them?

speaking for my general process with all my steps: im rather predictable when creating characters. lots of them follow the same molds, they just tackle different storylines, and the differing plots are what makes them all different characters. so when making my steps, i ended up using those same character archetypes and taking them to their logical conclusions based on what choices the game offered. it makes it easier for me to imagine how they react, and its fun to tack on a slightly different trait to the mold and see what happens. ultimately, they all fall somewhere on the extreme ends of the "good/evil" spectrum, but with an added bit of ✨spice✨ from the other end to get them going into fully fledged characters. these are my inspiration/archetype for each individual step:

Caine- being an imported character for the exile if, i already had his character in mind when making him! in exile, they were very much meant to be the stoic leader character that was just beginning to doubt what he fought for. the problem when i tried to put them in fhr was. chen. chen i love you but holy shit it was so hard to make him unique and interesting when you were literally RIGHT THERE covering all the bases they were supposed to cover. and chen has a dog which made him obviously superior. it was annoying, but my frustration with their similarities pushed me to put a lot of love into them and well. look at where my son is now lmfao.

Cyrus- @ that one person who made that post about herald subverting the cinnamon role stereotype: thank you. i owe you my and my bastard sons life. cyrus was just meant to be a step i used to explore heralds ro route, so i didnt mean to take him too seriously. because of that, and because this was directly after caine and i was getting frustrated figuring them out, i kinda just went with the flow– he was originally a character closer to the "flirty and funny but actually competent and surprisingly apathetic" type. he used to have like. 50% ruthlessness lmfaoooo. a lot of his major character beats were caused by me making mistakes and figuring things out by clicking random choices out of curiosity. after i played him once, the higher ruthlessness route i went intrigued me, and i started tweaking him further, which is how we got here.

Cecilia- i! wanted! to! have! someone! fun! i wanted to have someone fun. i just wanted to have a step who would dick around and do stupid shit because they wanted to. she was my third step, both caine and cyrus were so serious, i needed somebody to juxtapose that. she was very much the "fuck around and find out" character. i created her to explore the lupin route, which seemed appropriate for the sort of character i wanted her to be. i also wanted to romance argent. it all just sort of culminated in a whirlwind of the most out there, daring step i had. it was only later i considered adding some more serious edges to her story, she was a bit like stress relief lol.

Cynthia- i created her with ortegas ro route in mind! even though caine was technically an ortega ro step, he was secretcrush so they couldnt really do much lmfao, so i was itching to play somebody whod actually pursue her. i chose the "calm, kind, do not burn down the house please and thank you" character for her since it seemed like fun to try with ortegas more out-there energy. i also had her as an anarchist, which i thought would be interesting to see play out since she was definitely on the more heroic end of the spectrum and i wanted to see how she would tackle one of the more destructive job choices. unfortunately, the kinder characters are almost always the hardest for me to work with, so it did take cynthia a while to find her footing. now, though, i think shes come together nicely! very much a balance of the nicer character i wanted for her originally while having that small kernel of "i can fuck things up if i wanted to" that i find more fun.

questions from here!

#i guess i DID end up answering those questions for caine #cecilia in particular is funny to me because like. yes my beautiful girl. go destroy your life for an adrenaline rush.#that is the normal way to respond to a lack of simulation. godspeed #i had to refrain from listing off other ocs i had that fit those specific archetypes whdjsjsjdjs #i have lots of beloved children ok. i need to figure them all out at a reasonable interval Somehow #that said. rip my other five steps #id say ill get to you someday but honestly. probably not lmfaooo #btw fun fact. the caine-cyrus-cecilia-cynthia order i always answer questions for them in is the order they were created in #caine lynzal #cyrus becker #cecilia rider #cynthia garcia #sidestep #fhr #pulp answers #ask game

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etherical-angel · 8 months

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been in a depression(due to my brain having depression) lately.....not goooddddd😇

i think most of it comes from just succumbing to my beliefs of 'everything is hopeless, choose pleasure over effort' as a way of control yknow. its weird, since im aware that the 'effort'(doing chores and selfcare) is what life is about, and that it will lead to betterness. but my brain sees it as like....participating in a game i dont agree with. and that i should play my own instead(laying in bed and daydreaming -> giving happy chemicals). ive done a bit of drawing, but most have just been with the motivation that im drawing to impress someone else. which is better than nothing ig. theres so much more i want to be doing, and i just think that i'd be more able to do it if my room was clean. probably. i havent unpacked yet and my floor is covered in clothes and i need to do laundry. and i think its been over a week since i bathed(my hair is RAPIDLY falling out and i cant tell if its more than normal or just due to not washing it...). idk, hard to keep track of the days.

i have a doctors appointment on thursday finally, and my head still hurts, but thankfully my anxiety over it has moved on(i no longer careeeee).

whatever back to the vent -> its the frustration that no matter how many times i try, i always return to This. it clouds being able to see a future that i want, and fuels my suicidal beliefs. knowing that i can do anything if i just put in the Effort, knowing its logically all my fault, knowing that im alone in this. i dont have someone i can just ask to help clean my room, someone to ask to help me do creative things, someone to ask to just help me cuz i. dont know how to ask. or what to ask for. ig this is why ive just craved a lover so bad, since i think theyd wordlessly know what to do. i wouldnt have to ask and i wouldnt have to know, theyd just do it. and i'd feel ok. i also know this is literally what caretaker alters are for, and one will come out eventually, but i cant just force it. especially when we're currently so convinced of hopelessness n despair. like literally the whole point of DID is so that someone else can do this shit, and we cant even do that properly....i feel like im so close to just snapping out of it tho. like im just missing some small realization and itll click into place. like its already there in my brain but theres a blockage keeping it from surfacing. ive been better before, i just keep forgetting what made me think that way. and how it was that i was viewing things. maybe if i listen to the right music and just try to focus on remembering, try really hard to let the urges go, think about how good life could be(despite the world n my body not being ideal) if i just saw things in a positive light, and try to view being positive as not a way of losing control..maybe i could force a switch. if i could get a balence of being aware of how horrible everything is, but also knowing that being positive and doing Effort is also fighting the system just as much.

anyway heres some pics i took a couple days ago👇👇👇👇👇

#had some shit happen 2day that fueled my delusions Big Time but. in a fun good way. in a YESSSSSSS THATS IMPOSSIBLE BUT FUCK YESSSS #it happened after i tried doing the thing i wrote abt doing so..felt kinda like a reward yknow #i wrote this thing hourrrrrssss ago bc i got lost in my fixation lol #im gonna try having a bath even tho im so sleepy tired rn #me

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unifiedabsence · 5 years

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things currently on my mind:

hello so i want to write stuff out ig . you dont have to read it and im leaving names out. the thoughts may be a bit jumbled as im feeling quite a bit. trigger warning for food, death, and sex. the feeling of instability is getting bigger. i was doing good for around 2 months. this is just a minor setback and i will bounce back, but this is what im feeling in the moment.

for one

my dad’s still in the hospital. im worried sick every fucking moment of the day ,,, i didnt think something like this would ever get to me. but then i remember when my grandfather died and i was a wreck for literal months. crying myself to sleep every night. its not like we were super close... and our politics were *so different* but that doesnt fucking matter when it comes to life or death and family does it. at least not to me. (three applies to what im about to say) im starting to feel bad about not... moving back to my parents. to like. take care of them. i dont want my mom to be alone through this. but ... at the same time i cant be around all the misgendering and deadnaming and judgement all the time. its hell and makes my brain rot.

two

i am so confused about my identity ... i try not to think about it and the idea of no label is feeling more comfortable everyday. im not a girl,,, i dont know what or who i am though. my head hurts just thinking about gender

something sort of related: my sexuality??? im not sure if im bi or not anymore. im confused. people do say sexuality can change throughout your lifetime though...\

three

im moving. again. im moving into a good home, full of acceptance and loving people. i dont want to leave this place though. im comfortable. sometimes you have to be uncomfortable though and thats okay. this will be fine and my brain will be able to accommodate shortly.

four

im in a constant state of feeling like im about to be replaced since ,, to be completely honest, im not really fun to have around. specifically by one person. i dont know why i get like this. all i know is this is a toxic trait and i try my best to not let it affect people.

this is my biggest flaw.

five

i hate my body. i hate myself. i hate how much i weigh. i feel like a fucking disgusting pig. im working on it though. itll get better. im buying sexy lingerie and im going to start a lewd acc for me. . my name wont be associated . i want to feel like i could appeal to someone. i want to feel handsome and sexy and beautiful .

six

i hurt someone special. this seems to be a theme. things dont work out and thats okay.

seven

im so fucking unmotivated in school. youd think me being 30k in debt soon would kick my ass in gear but honestly i cant get myself to do jack shit at times. at least my classmates and teachers really keep me motivated when i really need it. i like the way i cut hair. what i dont like is my lack of social skills. i suck at talking to clients like a normal fucking person, but theres been major improvements in these past months. i hope ill be able to graduate. someday i want my own city condo. getting really good at hair will get me there.; i need to figure out how to keep motivated but i am so socially anxious and dont know how to cope with that in a real healthy way. ive stopped bringing my sketchbook and headphones to school so maybe i wont go to those all the time and ill get my shit done.

eight

i feel like a normal person sometimes, other times i go manic. i shut down. i go silent. i cant stop talking. i want to pull my hair out. right now im full of so much energy when i know i should be tired. i could run miles and not feel worn out. theres so much to think about and say and do

i cant even put into words the things i feel sometimes.,

but dude

im glad youre here for me. and you dont think im crazy. you dont look at me like im weird or a fool even when i act in certain ways. i know this is vague.

ok bye

ps i think im going to cut my hair. i look cleaner.

#rambles #thoughts #i think im going to do this more frequently

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