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grim-faux · 3 years

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23 - The Demon and the Ghost

The world stopped. I’m not clear of what happened, or what was going through my head. It might’ve been the shock, or it could’ve been the buzzing. I could hear buzzing in my skull, and in my marrow. Everything around me pulsed with a clarity I was unfamiliar with, like I was only now seeing the world without my eyes. Or seeing without that greasy film that coats your eyes. When someone has an out of body experience, they can’t get over how clear everything was that they saw. It’s the one thing they always remark on, and how surreal the experience was. Like no one’s ever died before. As if you could remember dying.

Time slowed, the world ground to a halt. And I found myself recalling my childhood. My house in the mornings, the light coming through windows. The short years I spent with my mom, my dad driving us to the store. School in the fall, the changing colors of leaves on trees. The spring time and the short summers. Playing with the kids in my neighborhood. Friends I lost touch with when I left school, when I graduated. Where were they now? I fell from this tree when I was a kid. Didn’t hurt much, but when I hit the ground I saw a light. For a while I was stunned and confused, and there was this weird taste in my mouth. Sometimes doctors ask if you have a funny taste or smelled something odd, when you’ve suffered a concussion. It’s common in the case of seizures, I think. The siren continued its call without hitch. It screamed in its loudest voice, but it was muffled. Everything around my head was distant and faint, it was on the other side of a wall, or I was under water drowning. My senses were numbed and my feet wouldn’t move. I thought I was turning, but I hadn’t budged since the Walrider coalesced within the corridor. The air boiled around its shape - vaguely humanoid - vaporous and distorted. This dark shadow of nightmares, this thing in the dark. The insubstantial mirage was there then gone when I blinked, but I could hear it. Could still make out the chatter of pellets hunting through vents, seeking to punish. Fresh blood oozed over crates, splint spines, bodies twisted in cruel shapes. I sucked in a shallow breath when my body craved air. I had stopped breathing. It shrieked, and the screams of its slaughtered victims filled my thoughts. Rooms crammed with corpses, flies nesting in sunken eye sockets, bloated guts spilling from jagged flesh. That sound. It wasn’t the Walrider screaming, it was the walls around me. Walls that had become a mortuary for the forgotten souls, trying to play modern god. Their aspiration took them so high they touched the sun, burned, then their ashes scattered across the sea. Dissolved. Forgotten. Lost. That odd taste coated my throat as the Walrider closed in. The shape faded out then settled into form, always in flux. Never the same each time I blinked. And then I was back in the green house, wet and cold, scared out of my mind of the sounds in the trees. Warped faces stared through the windows in the brick walls, faces maimed by curious men. They had a purpose, an idea. They recited a choppy phrase to my ears. I was to be with them. I was to be one of them. The patients said the experiments were a conjuring. They were subjected to the cruelty of science, and had become the manifestation of diseased minds. Then the thing from the dark appeared, the thing that was lurking all along. The apparition that made it all stop, stole away the pain. It came for me and shrieked in my face. The sounds. They were in my ears, in my bones, and in my blood. They followed me, I couldn’t shake them. Couldn’t run away. Couldn’t escape it. All at once I was back, staring at it. At death. It was so close I could reach out and touch it. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I began shuffling backwards, but it was difficult. My muscles had seized and I was standing here, with it in my face as it faded. It was gone, but I could feel it. Feel it watching me. That familiar stab of pain focused in the base of my neck and worked its way up, leeching into my cerebellum. I felt nauseated and choked on a gasp. The idea that I was unable to move was rejected, though I had failed to turn away, to budge. I was about to die. Then something remarkable happened. I was suddenly facing the hall with the cylinder tanks, the freezer room at the far end. My feet blurred under me when I took off. At first I was baffled, I didn’t recall tearing my eyes off that thing. But I picked up on the piercing shrill as the Walrider called. The noise sent static riping through my brain, and agony pierced my muscles. My shoes slipped in the gelatin blood and I dropped to my knee, nearly tossing the camera. I pushed up on my hand and launched forward, snaring the tanks set aside in the corridor and yanked myself to the corner on my right. If it touched me I was dead. Nothing survived contact with the Walrider. I didn’t know how I broke away, didn’t care. The distinct impression that I had recalled some important matter but lost it, lingered in me. A memory that I blotted. It was important but I couldn’t focus. Too much was swirling, my senses were too distorted as it was. I cut the corner and took the door on my direct right into the showers, and dashed by bloody stalls and lockers. I chanced a look back unable to identify the threat against the white and red walls, but the air wavered with its presence as it disrupted molecules of the natural air. I couldn’t hide from it, but I could delay its pursuit. As I shot out of the shower room, I caught one of the doors and hauled it shut after me. Without stalling, I swung back and snapped the other door shut with a deafening crack. I backed away raising my camera and glanced to my right and then down, searching for where it would appear next. Could it go through walls? Had it decided to haunt the hall rather hunt me through the shower? The nightvision barely picked it up, but I could distinguish arms slipping through the thin space beneath the door as the form clawed. It looked rather off, and I couldn’t figure the science behind these machines moving through solid walls. But it wasn’t moving through a solid object, it was skimming the surface, finding the easiest path. It couldn’t find its way through doors, but it could slide through thin cracks if it was allowed the time. I ran. It would take it only so long before it was free again, I could shut a few more doors between it and myself before deciding the next action. The sirens were still howling at the entrance of the Morphogenic chamber. I cringed under the din and clasped a hand to the side of me head, as it pierced into my eardrums with icy pain. Had to get through this, had to finish before I keeled over from the migraine. I pulled my hand away, half expecting there to be fresh blood from my ears. I barely managed to stop myself from slamming into the door on my return. My hands shook as I spun the handle and pulled myself inside. A pristine white floor irritated my eyes as I glanced down, then turned my face to meet the plate on the wall before me. Just a label indicating the Morphogenic Engines direction with an arrow. Another set of doors, the small room opened up into a larger hangar filled with equipment of the facility, massive copper drums with pipes curving out of the tops, and huge control panels lined one wall. Caution strips marked the short portion of a ramp that elevated onto a metal grate, and large machines that had not met their function sat beneath a grated stairway opposite to the control panels. I swung the doors behind me shut, wincing at the reverberation that rattled my head. I needed to stop doing that if I could. The air smelled somewhat fresh in this section of the lab. Due to the doors that had been left shut, this would have allowed the air to recycle without the interference of decay. Just an observation. It was painful to breath, the residue of a chemical with no name, something illegal I would bet. If it was meant to kill me, it was the least of my worries. I sprint across the metal grate, the noise of my shoes echoed into the pipes of the ceiling overhead. I immediately noted the stairs behind the copper tanks, which connected to walkways that lined the stone walls above. Those huge-huge cylinders blocked the one side of the room from the stairs, and some asshole had stacked barrels in the way of the only path. It was a minor obstacle. I tucked the camera to my stomach and climbed onto the barrels, and kept my balance with my free hand on a support beam placed beside the tanks. I braced myself for the inevitable jolt, and used my hand to guide my direction as I swung over. The soles of my shoes stuck on the grate when I came down, but my recovery was quick. Soon I was stumbling around the rail and up the grated steps. The obnoxious tingle of my ribs dug into my side as I reached the first level. I kept going up, winding my way around the rail and hastened up the remaining steps. I coughed as I began panting, and reached my free arm under my side where the sting in my ribs was. I promised — I promise I would sit down for a long time, once I was finished with this. The only way I would be able to rest now is when— An earsplitting shriek echoed throughout the cavernous room. I couldn’t tell if he had entered or if it was from another hall, let alone where it came from. Didn’t matter. I toggled with the nightvision, searching for the disturbance it caused but couldn’t locate it. The anxiety that the it could be anywhere and I had no idea, sent my heart beating twice as fast. I took the steps three and two at a time, my breath came in sharp gulps and I could taste copper. None of it mattered. My fingers, my head, my bones. I could take the damage and deal with it in the after math. What I could not deal with, were my guts splattered across the ceiling! I pulled myself up the rail and reached the highest walkway. The left side looked to be a dead end, but I couldn’t see where it led. I charged to the right toward an open door with bright light spilling across the grate. The distortions in the air around my face became prominent. Was it here? Already? I zipped around the corner of the rail racing to the white walls with polished floors beyond. Not gonna get me, you are NOT going to get me! I snatched the handle of the door and kicked myself backwards, pulling the door after me. I whirled about, catching sight of the plate labeling this C Block. The Morphogenic Chamber was in C Block. Beside the panel, a purge chamber. I scraped through the sliding doors as they parted, and managed to hit the sealed door on the opposite end as the metal shielding snapped shut. Purge chambers for containment. CONTAINMENT. The Walrider would be forced to find a route around. I took some deep breaths despite the chemical that was flushed through the small room. Deal with it later, have a job to finish. The opposite door opened and I stepped out, checking first if the Walrider was present to greet my arrival. Chiseled hall of limestone, same as when I first entered A Block. Pipes ran the length of the ceiling, vents that cycled the air throughout the rooms. I looked up at a camera on the wall across the tunnels ceiling, as it swung to face the purge doors. I had half a mind to flip it off, but I preferred to stay professional. A plate on the wall informed that the Morphogenic Engine was to the right, but I checked the left side of the hall first while I had the pause. At the end a strobe light spun above a malfunctioning door, accompanied by the sirens that blasted their obnoxious song. Everything had gone wrong but no one was left alive to care. I didn’t. A corpse lay crumpled beside the door. I walked over to check it, film it while I had the camera active. He might’ve tried to get out through the doorway here but the lock was disabled, or the Walrider reached him first. I shook my head as I turned away. I hurried through the hall, checking the visor while the fierce light was bearable. I didn’t feel the immediate danger but I needed to plan, I remained uncertain what killing ‘Billy’ would require. How technical it could be. I noted the vents at the ceiling. The rattling in the sewers. The swarm traveled through pipes to access areas blocked by purge chambers. I was working on borrowed time. More tanks sat on one side of the hall. I rushed by without a glance and reached the open doorway, the heavy stench of sour flesh swirled about as paused at the edge of the sirens din. I had seen most of the room on my approach. The door was open and within, red contrasted the white stone that made up the walls of the room. The usual décor. The constant reminder of what my failure would entail. I shut the door behind me as I scanned over the butchery. What might’ve been propane tanks, or tanks of gas had nested in one corner, but that was the only out of place item. One tank lay in the red mess of a person’s ribcage, but I couldn’t decide if it rolled there during the action or had been lodged there. I glanced to the flashing lights above a door, and that noise… that god damn noise. I did my best to block it as I looked over to the right, and sighed. A security operative lay in the pool of blood on the desks surface, a gun was in his hand. His skull had been splint open, and more red stained down his forearm. The gun would do me no good, but a wadded page was in his grasp. I took it and hastily angled my camera to record what might’ve been his final words. If I could, I would tear those sound speakers out of the walls. That noise…. “NOTE to all personnel from Consultant MM08, RUDOLPH WERNICKE. (D&NR) Do not worship the swarm, nor allow the delusions of the patients to influence your beliefs. Any sentient being based in this technology will be so far superior to us that illusions of godliness will be reasonable. We have always looked into chaos and called it God. We now are blessed with sufficient power that such belief could destroy us. Do not be tempted. Remember that you are scientists.“ In the end I was wrong. Mass Hallucination and mental reprograming had been more feasible than this. This… What Murkoff had done. The patients they were using and conditioning for the Morphogenic Engine, to contract the swarm. Was this what was waiting in the mountains? It was everything Chris Walker had tried to prevent. Even in his insanity, he knew that this was a threat to the world he had been rejected from. The patients began to worship the Walrider because they could not comprehend its function. They had no hope in gazing upon its truth, and so were humbled by its power. Insert one loony fanatic, Father Martin Archimbaud, and you’ll have the beginnings of a cult following. I couldn’t blame them. The Walrider had been a phantom curiosity up until Wernicke explained everything. Show a caveman technology, he’ll think it’s magic - show a modern man magic, he’ll think it’s technology. Everything had come full circle. I understood what happened here, why it ended here. And my understanding would destroy me. That noise. I needed to get out of this room, I hadn’t much time. A sliding door bathed in red awaited beyond the desk and the suicide guard, but it was jammed and wouldn’t open. Restricted Area Authorized Personnel Only This was the only door that opened, the knob turned easily. I stepped through and quickly shut the door behind me. Another long corridor of white stone and polished floors. I was done with all the white, all the red. At either side of the walkway yellow caution tape warned of the gutters slipping below the floor. I moved forward, listening as the distressed calls faded behind me. A decorative but none functioning cinderblock archway was installed, overhead at either wall, vents pushed recycled air into the hall and my thoughts returned to Billy. He would be searching for me, unless he had given up for the moment. I had no idea what his mindset had been prior to the experiments, only that he seemed mostly coherent in the reports of his caretakers. The hall curved to the left and I followed at a steady pace trying to get my heart rate to slow. The air was crisp and cool, but my nerves were no good. My shoulders shook with each breath I took. It could’ve been low blood sugar or blood loss, or all of that. In some vain attempt to distract myself, I reached under my coat to touch where the gash was. The fabric of my shirt was hard and thick, but not even damp. As the sounds faded at my back, I felt almost peaceful in this section of the tunnel, as though there could be no danger. I had hallucinated the whole affair, meeting Dr. Wernicke and learning of Billy’s secret. I tried to fool myself into believing this while dark thoughts lingered in the threshold of my dissolving sanity, whispering that I was to be murdered soon. The recollection caused me to jump when the camera gave its usual chatter. I came to a large set of reinforced, steel doors that took up the full end of the corridor. As I stepped upon the nano hazard emblem on the floor, small strobes began to flash orange at the corners cautioning of the imminent action. The muffled rasp of the sirens returned, surging through my muscle. When would it end? The hydraulics hissed and a blast of warm air gushed forth, released upon the doors opening. As the doors slide apart I could bear it no longer, and without a glance I flipped off the camera just above my shoulder. I didn’t care if Dr. Wernicke saw or not, it made me feel better. Once the doors had parted fully, I was taken aback in awe. So much, I forgot my feet needed to move. I stepped forward into the apparent control room of the huge chamber, staring at what could only be the engine of the machine. The Morphogenic Engine. “The assembler, the feed chambers, the precursor molecules. Vague memories of nanotechnology articles I’ve read online, probably drunk, probably distracted. Not nearly enough to know how to destroy it. But Billy is the center of it. Find him. Kill him. End this.” I let out a barely audible “Ah,” as the moment caught up to me. I wrote down a hasty note and began to search frantically for a way to stop the feed, or a switch labeled in a cliché fashion Kill Switch. Wernicke hadn’t been the most helpful bastard when it came to destroying his out-of-control creation, but it might not be my purpose here to kill Billy. I was doing a pretty thorough job of distracting the fuck, if he didn’t gut me first Did Billy detect my intentions? Or did Wernicke warn him? Monitors displayed images of MREs, brain scans of the hapless victim and the monster. Long desks lined with monitors displaying nothing more helpful than password prompts and blue screens, while every other monitor seemed to be locked in ‘error mode’. I tried alt, control, delete, and messing around with other keys on the keyboards, hoping for insight or a prompt. I doubt it would have done much, they were not directly linked to the engine. They only monitored the systems, made sure nothing was going wrong, that everything was ‘functioning.’ But this was vague guess work on my part. The tall stacks of computers packed with customized software stretched up the walls, pushing off hot gusts of air with the effort of processing the equations of the Engines functions. Screens labeled the basic structures of the assembly, but nothing to demonstrate the methods for shutting it all down. As I rushed around hunting, my shoe caught on the thick cables weighted to the grate. I caught myself on one of the terminals and leaned over, trying to collect myself. Above, a black screen sputtered and flashed as it distorted with errors, my eyes lost focus as I took a deep breath. There’s still time, take your time. Get it done right on the first go. There would be no second chances. I made another pass over the computers, the keyboards, a few files I scattered on the desks but the pages only detailed the last print outs of the Engines readings. Nothing how to end it. The anxiety crawled under my skin. How much more time did I have? Where was Billy waiting? On a side counter surrounded by thin wires from the terminal, I plucked up two batteries. Thank god. I took out the long dead one and put a fresh one in. It was at full power. Small miracles come through, again. A clear door was nestled in the room’s forefront, the high walls comprised of Plexiglas blocking off the Morphogenic Engines primary chamber. I half expected the doors to hold fast as I moved to them, but the hiss of air breezed across my face as they parted. The Engine, the Morphogenic Engine. The only way I would destroy it, was by understanding it. It seemed impossible. I guide myself down the steps, my free hand trailing the gray rail while I used the camera to document the chamber. Beneath the engine the air is cool, a sort of lull in the warmth that was expelled by the monstrous contraption overhead. It was massive, extending into the cavern ceiling above, nearly reaching to the walls carved out throughout the chamber. The bulbous and cancerous Engine was vaguely featureless, resembling a dodecagon. Too many sides. Some of its flat panels pressed out gray vapors, while others glittered lights. Packed with technology, software primed for processing and running the machine, the life support, the everything that was Project Walrider. Large screens spread around the base displayed images of pulse rate, metabolic functions, cerebral scans. And those images. The images from the theater in full bloom, so perverse and cruel I couldn’t bear to stare at them. Small clear pods surrounded Wernicke’s machine, each is set on its own plastic seat with wires and machinery tapering from the backsides. All empty. Correction. All but one. “From Billy’s patient reports, he ought to be twenty-three years old. He looks like at least fifty years of rough road, pain scratched deep into what I can see. Killing you would be an act of kindness.” Tubes and wires had been attached into his stomach and shoved down his throat, rigs that looked like IV drips were inserted into his shoulders, neck, and sides transferring blood or performing dialysis functions. His arms and legs bent back, away from the delicate hardware attached throughout his body. His eyes were open, dead murky eyes fixed on the twisting images of the screen above. This was the price for God like capabilities. A body that was in all respects dead to the world. I turned away lowering my camera and rubbed at my eyes, trying to focus. There was not enough time to wander around, blindly hitting whatever looked vital. If the Walrider was in a lulled state, it needed to stay there until I could go to work. How could I shut down this massive nightmare, before he realizes what I’ve done? There was a panel with a hand print beneath the screens of vital readings, but pressing it did nothing. Beside it was a folder I quickly began to sift through. Aha. MURKOFF PSYCHIATRIC SYSTEMS MORPHOGENIC ENGINE CHAMBER MAINTENANCE SHEDULE To avoid patient injury, the Morphogenic Engine Life Pod requires a daily inspection of all Vital Systems. VITAL SYSTEM 1: The enriched oxygenated perfluorocarbon from LIFE SUPPORT FLUID RESERVOIR must be continually flushed and replaced through the course of the patient’s treatment. (Note that O.P. also supplies anesthetics, any interruption in supply will cause sufficient pain to the patient to potentially disrupt the experiment.) VITAL SYSTEM 2: Electric supply is supplemented and ensured by the SUBLAB GENERATOR. Proper fueling and maintenance of the Sublab Generator should be confirmed hourly. VITAL SYSTEM 3: In the case of catastrophic loss of Vitals Systems 1, and 2, the life pod FAILSAFE will engage, maintaining localized minimum life support functions until technicians can arrive. DISABLING FAILSAFE WILL RESULT IN IMMEDIATE PATIENT TERMINATION. It seemed possible now. Cut off his lungs, take out the power, then shut him down. I could do this. I can get this done. I wrote the basics down in the tattered back of my small notepad. I knew what to do, but where did I do it? I gave the chamber a careful scan, viewing only the walls grayed by the unnatural heat. The lights of the engine pulsed and flickered, further aggravating my thoughts. I jogged around the machine, and came upon a large window with a patient staring through. His arms ravaged by experiments, his face scared, he pawed at the glass not seeing me. Maybe he couldn’t see. Behind him the white hallway gave way to black stains, the lamps revealed numerous Plexiglas doors. From what I could make out, they all appeared to be open. Patients that were killed? Or was the gore leftover from the doctors as result of their victims escape? I didn’t care. As callous as that was, I just didn’t give a fuck anymore. Around the backside of the Engine, one other pod was filled with black fluid and tissue. A failed test subject. Not far from it, light drew my attention to a set of doors with clean windows. A plate on the wall was lit up with the lamps in the next hall. It read Life Support Fluid Reservoir. They couldn’t have spelled it out clearer. I ducked through the door, and as always made certain it was shut firmly behind me. Blood splatters and more of Murkoff met me in the extending corridor. For a moment there I was worried I had gone the wrong way. Once away from the Engine and its overworked processors, tremors began working their way through my muscles as the temperature dropped. Or, was it the presence of the Walrider? He couldn’t be nearby. Unless he was ahead, waiting in a vent. I checked the NV but there was nothing. Before I began forward, I reached behind me and assured myself the door was shut. Up along the walls nested the primary mode of passage for the swarm, vents that would allow it to reach me on my return trip, if it wasn’t already present. The air felt calm, stale but calm. I reached the set of doors around the halls bend, and paused to let the camera cease its malfunction. The picture in the visor died for a moment and I closed my eyes, feeling the sinking sensation as anguish chewed on my mind. Give it a moment, just a glitch. I gave the camera a few gentle pats until the visor flashed into focus, blinding me briefly with the green tinge. Damn. I pushed one door open and entered a large cavernous room filled with vats of a clean fluid. It was vaguely reminiscent of an aquarium, with the soft gleam of lamps angled from the walls and ceiling. That same wave of comfort swept through me, only disrupted minutely by the pulse in my blood. Drums labeled saline or perfluorocarbon lined the walls, some stacked on carts. Some smaller series of tubs ran along walls into the reservoir channel, where the massive tanks filled with the lucid fluid sat in rows. Huge tubes were directed down into the tops of the massive tanks, while the other ends were angled into the cement walls of the chamber. These large tubes were everywhere, in various sizes, in organized series directing their flow into tanks, or under the metal grates surrounding the tanks. Back up flows, filters, diluting tanks. My head was spinning as I took it all in. All of this. “This is Billy Hope’s lungs. His liver. His life support. A machine the size of a football stadium to keep one lunatic alive. Fuck it all. Break it all. He has to die.” I leaned on the rail as I put away the notebook and pulled my camera from its pack. I closed my eyes for a moment and pressed the remaining fingers against my temple. Had to keep moving, can’t stop. Billy could be anywhere and I hadn’t even started. I couldn’t delude myself with the idea that he had no idea where I was. Beside where I stood a large black stain stretched on the cement floor near the reservoir, near the stairs I was to take. An unfortunate worker? Or someone that had only gotten this far with the scheme to stop the chaos. I couldn’t shake the impression that the further I dived, the less human these markers were becoming. If I held my breath and stared through the visor, the remains were nothing but a massive kool-aid stain. Oh yeah. I took a breath and let it out. Copper and rot. Death. I moved onto the grated walkway that bent around the massive vats. If I kept moving I could block it, I wouldn’t have a choice before long. I shivered, though the air here must have some heating, the clear liquid looked frigid. It was a tinge of emerald, or blues, due to the minerals that might have been intermixed to diffuse their properties. A lot of science and math I couldn’t comprehend. My head…. Why was I trying to make sense of all this? More pipes, tubes, insulated cables. Everything devised for the machine, for the thing it kept going. A plate on the wall notified that this was, indeed Block D. This seemed like some important detail, but I couldn’t recall why. The Life Support Reservoir was in D Block. Fantastic. Those that were slaughtered here were no less dead than those in the other four Blocks. I reached the end of the walkway and set eyes on more vague stains of the former masters of the Engine, plastered across the floor and metal wall beside the stairway that twisted upward. It connected to a catwalk that crossed beside a Plexiglas room featuring screens with scans, and details of the patient were visible from my position as jogged toward the stairs. I winced when I set my hand upon the rail, the sticky remains of some organ had deflated over the yellow metal staining it orange. I swallowed at my dry tongue and gazed up as I began, forcing myself to take the steps two at a time. I cleared the top and twisted to the side room that must have controlled the chemicals distributed in the life support vats. Green screens flashed with pulse rates, others scrolled walls of text. I touched the Plexiglas to steady myself as I stared in, mind racing. The scream of the Walrider became a distant echo in my memories, but always present, always haunting. The realization that Billy had a heartbeat nearly made my thudding heart stop. The doors into the control room were open, and inside was very little to aid my mission. A few documents with shortcuts through the menus and print outs of the patients status prior to his murderous rampage, along with common chemical formulas. The monitors demanded passwords, their constant drama, while offering clips of data that would regulate proper flow of nutrients uninterrupted. It was all self-sustaining, as Dr. Wernicke had put it. I had a small surge of optimism for some much meeded guidance, when I located a thin folder left out. But it was just another one of Wernicke’s, Frankenstein’s Monster excerpts. What the fuck was his deal? From the personal records of Dr. Wernicke. "FRANKENSTEIN, or The Modern Prometheus” by Mary Shelley, published anonymously in 1818. Chapter 4, excerpt – “Learn from me, if not by my precepts, at least by my example, how dangerous is the acquirement of knowledge, and how much happier that modest man than he who aspires to become greater than his nature allows.” Dr. Wernicke should have stuck with his garden and cats. He was brilliant, I’d give him that much. Senile, but brilliant. Oh fuck, my head. I left the room taking the unexplored route open on my left. There was little to note, the grate was bare of tools or materials. The lights were dimmed, this helped me focus to some degree. It was only my steps echoing across the distance of the chamber, I constantly checked over the vats scanning the visor for distortions. The battery was holding up, which I decided was solid indication that I was alone but I wouldn’t depend on my muddled observations. Overhead, a distinctive blue pipe extended, a main flow, for something. It T’d off at the walkways end, one end was capped off and the other attached to the wall at the other side. The catwalk took a right, directly to what I would bet was the large master valve in the midst of the vats main flow. I secured my camera as I walked up to it and took the handle. Behind the wheel was the warning DO NOT TURN VALVE. Fuck you, I’m gonna turn this valve. I braced myself, locking my heels in the grate and clamped my teeth together as I forced it. The wheel didn’t give easily despite its fresh appearance but once it shifted, I kept at it until the damn thing couldn’t be forced further anymore. I dropped to my knees hanging onto the wheel with my palms and panted, the black dots pulsed in my eyes as my heart pumped in my chest. Almost there, one down, what was next? The pipe gave an eerie hiss when the fluid flow was cut off, and a high pitched shrill echoed somewhere that was not far enough away. Billy must know now what I was planning. He’ll try and intercept me! I took time to think back, check my notes. My hands trembled as I produced the notepad. Had to calm down, there was no hurry. None at all. Lying to myself didn’t work well, and I wound up ripping one of the pages as I tried to steady my hands. Needed to cut the power off, that will initiate the emergency failsafe and after that I need to just hit the switch. Just keep it together a little longer, we’re almost there. I stuffed the notebook back in its pocket, my index finger was bleeding from something I’d done but couldn’t recall what in my panic. I shoved myself to my feet and began running. Distance! Need distance to keep away from it. As I hustled back to the winding stairs, I heard a somber howl clatter across the chiseled stone. The lights fluctuated, or I was seeing things. That hissing whine, the resonance of a piercing scream hit me as my vision blurred. Something that ground between realty and nightmares was closing in fast, and even without the camera I could mark its heading. It was levitating above the vats, headed directly for me. No you will not! I skipped down the steps of the walkway and grabbed the rail rather continue down the remaining steps, couldn’t lose any more time. I felt the hair on my neck stand on end as I climbed over the rail and hopped off between the vats. The entity shrieked overhead, as it gave chase or averted course. I couldn’t discern the mobility of the swarm, nor could I chance pinpointing it without my camera. It was purely instinctual I think, or something similar. It could cut straight over the vats as I weaved between them, but if it didn’t touch me I would be fine. I could outrun it. The doors were ahead. My shoes stuck somewhat on the dried blood across from them, the incident nearly caused me to fall when I jerked my feet free. I didn’t have time to reflect how morbid that was, my hands were already dragging me beside the blue barrels as I forced myself along. This was getting to be too much. My skin was rubbing on something in my chest, and the sensation weighted my feet down. Not even the reminder of the outcome present if I stopped seemed to phase me. I was losing steam. I smashed my forehead on the door when I leaned over, struggling to make the knob turn as I tried to walk through the gray metal. Somehow, I did manage to get the portal open and slip through, and slam the door on the warped vapor without further trauma to my body. But I did have trouble dislodging and continuing on with the task. Each ragged breath I took ached in me, and all through me. I could scarcely believe I was still standing. The Walrider gave a hiss as it must have begun struggling under the door. I backed away and fumbled for the camera, and checked the NV feed. The visor distorted and flashed but I could make out the vapor dragging itself through the thin crease. There would be no purge chamber between here and the Morphogenic chamber. It would not stop until I was dead. I spun away and made my legs move. I kept a tight hold on the camera as I breezed through the next set of doors. Two minutes, less. Needed to find the next area, the power Sub lab. Had to stop the power and kill him! The lights of the chamber flashed, the intensity stung my eyes for a moment as I raced around the Engines cavern hunting for a sign, a direction. I sifted through my thoughts. What doors did I see when I was searching for the reservoir? There was nothing but the patient behind the window, life support pods, and the few stairs leading into the control base. When I rounded the Engine, I noted the irritating strobes flashing near the top of the chamber. I hurried to them, the stairs coming into focus through the steam puffed out by the machine. They were hidden beside an unmarked copper tank, and I could make out the set of doors atop the level. All this I had missed on my initial pass. I’d be stuck up there once the Walrider came through, but it was the only lead I had. That had to be it! I hissed at myself as I reached the stairs, all this running and rough movement. This was everything a doctor would tell me NOT to do. Later. Later I would deal with it. Maybe when I was finished Wernicke would take a look at my injuries? Hah. I’d trust ‘Dr.’ Trager over him any day. The plate beside the stairs leading UP read Sublab Generator. Really? Heading upstairs didn’t seem sublab, but I couldn’t argue with it. I pulled myself along the rail, juggling between holding the camera to my face and using my bad arm to jerk around corners. It didn’t help my side much but the muscles in my legs were aching, my blood sugar content was nada and I was teetering at my limit. When I stopped, if I paused, I would die. No second chances. Just pain and the void. I didn’t want that. I wouldn’t accept that! Move-move-move! Faster-faster-FASTER! I could hear the sounds of the Walrider on the floor, hunting for my path. If it didn’t know where I was headed it would figure it out shortly. Computers lined the right of the level as I reached the top stairs, but they were nothing helpful. The obnoxious strobe was overhead as I ducked to the doors. That scraping yowl crashed through my eardrums, it sounded close. I hauled one door open and checked back, just as the ghostly figure materialized on the NV. FUCK! I jerked the metal door shut, swung around, and exhaled. A stack of barrels impeded my progress. I couldn’t shove them out of the way, but there was just enough room to squeeze between. Meanwhile, the swarm screeched as it clawed under the door. I doubt it would have trouble reaching me around the barrels. Upon reaching the other side, I took in a few tight gasps of air, and put as much power into my dash as I could manage. Another obstacle of large tanks sat in the corridors center, or near center. I swept around them and met with blinding white lights blazing around the doors just beyond. I was still staring into the NV and only saw the door, left ajar, and blasted into the next room. My knee caught the edge that was left shut and I tripped, falling to my shoulder. I tumbled before I could put my feet under me, and whipped about half crawling back to the door. I shoved it closed and leaned on it a moment as I choked on my breath. I wasn’t sure if the Walrider had reached me yet, didn’t care. I had a mild limp from smashing my knee on the door, but I hastily walked it off. It stung like a bitch and my leg had trouble holding my weight, but they were the only thing keeping me alive I ran to the middle of the chamber and appraised my surroundings. The air was warm, almost unbearable in my stiff coat. It was difficult to make out my surroundings, due to the steam caused by condensed air formed when the cool and warm air clashed. It must’ve been caused after the valve shut off. If water wasn’t cycled in to cool the software of the Engine it would burn up. That would take too long if it could manage to kill Billy. I coughed at the steam, it was thickening. Where was I going? Sublab! Where was the damn sublab? As I moved around I could identify tarps covering stacks of pallets and materials, the full dark expanse of the hanger… and another set of stairs leading up. Up again! At least when I came back through, I’d be going down. Needed distance though, going up a set of stairs made me a sitting duck. I would burn energy and the Walrider presence didn’t seem hindered by these limitations. Not only that, but the stairs were endless! My legs were beginning to ache and the pain in my side was becoming a hot swell of agony. As I continued, losing track of how many flats I passed, the air thickened with heat. Sweat seeped into my shirt and ran into my eyes, I wanted to wipe my face but I couldn’t manage the command. Just a few more feet, one more set of steps, then it’ll be leveled platforms. A little further. It felt like a lie every time I chanted it, each corner I turned there were more stairs up and up. Up and Up and Up! Until they swallowed up the light and I had to rely on the camera as I made the desperate climb. My calves burned, it was becoming impossible to lift one foot after the next to the succeeding step. I was on hand and foot, by the time I reached the end. The sharp clarity of light startled my stupor, and I dropped to my knees when I reached the topmost level of the catwalk. My breath was labored and uneven, and my eyes couldn’t focus on the large gap where the floor should have been. My delirious mind struggled to make sense. I had all but forgotten what I was doing, where I was going. While stranded in the fever, only one thought was screaming through, scrambling my brainmatter like a hot bullet. The angry shriek of the Walrider as it skewered the distance. Too close, it was too CLOSE! I dragged my body up and over the yellow railing. Distance! Distance from the Walrider. I needed the distance to jump! I stuck the camera strap in my mouth and pressed my back against the cool metal, it hurt but I wasn’t far enough back. I couldn’t get far enough back. Was the Walrider clawing at my spine yet? Would it rip it free? Would I feel it? My feet whirled under me as I made the full sprint for my life. There would be no repeats this time, I would hit the other side and keep going. No stopping. No quitting. Not until one of us was dead! The hounding noise of sirens cut through, they somehow found me so high up. I could picture my body, an obscure stain on polished stone. Bones protruding, teeth scattered. I don’t want to die. Muscles deflated like spoiled fruit. Red flashed through my eyes when I hit. Oh god, oh shit…. The pain gushed through my chest, and red mist scattered under my chin. The camera clattered a few feet away, but it was staying where it stopped and would not roll back this time. My feet kicked under me struggling to lock the grooves of my toes into the grate. That sound! Where was that noise coming from?! I dug my mangled fingers tips into the gaps in the floor and heaved myself forward, groaning at the pain. My vision swam as I crawled towards the camera. Everywhere, the lights seemed to be dimming. MILES! UP! KEEP MOVING! For a short span I didn’t hear the Walrider. Couldn’t sense my body as I dragged onward. I felt nothing. Only the ringing in my bones as I staggered to the camera. It was heavy in my hand as pushed myself upright and continued forward. I picked up the pace though I can’t recall any of this. All I could feel repeating in my thoughts was distance. Needed distance. Nothing has changed. Nothing has changed. Move. I pulled up the NV as the path to my left darkened. It came to a wall, forcing me to whirl around and dash into the gloom absorbing the tunnel. My senses began to clear a fraction and I felt the Walrider, its fury projected off it in waves. The pain in my skull returned, but my feet refused to stop moving. I wasn’t thinking about escape, my focus was on that horrible screech. How dark it was without the light, how comforting that was. All of these repetitive thoughts, a motion, a sway, autopilot. I would be dead if it hadn’t switched into gear. My feet were moving under me, but I don’t know how fast. Would I be able to outrun death? I stumbled around a stack of bags on something hard, something solid. It was getting hard to perceive my whereabouts. The dark was penetrating, the dark hugged close to the range of the NV as the power began to die. Even the dark could not save me now. My feet slipped in red, but I remained upright and pressed on, gaining speed. I don’t know how this was possible, couldn’t ponder it. The Walrider was not far behind calling with its inhuman voice. The shrill cut over the stone as it sliced through my thoughts, the sensation merciless to the swirling mess of my scattered mind. Was it calling for me? I couldn’t answer. The corridor turned left through another redundant archway of cinderblock. I must have been moving too quickly, I sprawled across the cart parked beside the wall. I pushed myself around it and held steady. I forced what energy I had available into my legs, and saw at last the burning light of a door ahead. A purge chamber. Did it still work? Was it open? It didn’t matter. If I could keep on my feet until I reached it, then that would be enough. The light that was my greater foe had become my salvation. The doors whooshed open and the stale odor of chemical and sickness poured over me. Once inside I toppled to my knees, the doors hissed shut behind me cutting off the Walrider. It knew not to enter here. I glanced back its way, though the secondary lead doors refused visibility of it. I kept my eyes locked on the metallic coating as the pumps decontaminated the air, and the doors across from me opened. I waited, watching, refusing to move. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to. So much left to do. Had to keep going. I repeated it in my head. I wasn’t done. I would never be done. There was more I could do, so much more I had left to do. I swallowed and wiped the dampness away from my lips. My hand came back with fresh blood. It would be all right. Keep moving, outrun death. I used the edge of the door to drag myself to my feet and kept the camera in my hand. That humming was present, but there was no way the swarm could be here. I poked my head from the doorway as I leaned on the frame, my body felt too heavy. There was no shrieking, and it was then that I couldn’t decide which sounds for certain came from the Walrider. It wasn’t here. For now, I was safe. That’s all I needed to focus on. I stepped out and hesitated. The lights were out across the lower level, but what lamps did work revealed yet more stairs. This place, have I mentioned it? Could go fuck itself. But I had time. The Walrider couldn’t access this room unless there were pipes, unless there were vents. Unless there was a ‘work around’. I used the camera to search the steel plated walls. Might be lead, it would prevent radiation contamination. Did the Morphogenic Engine use radiation? It must have. I didn’t want to consider the long term effects. I took the steps slowly, one at a time. I didn’t feel rushed, didn’t feel encroaching doom or death snapping at my neck. Everything was calm and normal and I could resume deluding myself to the illusion of safety. There was nothing here, nothing that could harm me short of an unfortunate tumble. My strength was at its limit, I couldn’t push myself further. Not even the promise of death could persuade my sluggish limbs. E Block. The blocks didn’t matter. A Block. B Block. C Block. B Block was the exit, wasn’t it? Where had that gone? My toe caught the last step and I collapsed to my knees. It wasn’t a far fall, but it jarred my side and I hissed through my teeth. When I looked down, there were wet red specks on the cameras grimy side. It was okay. Didn’t mean it was the end of the world. I had worse before, in worse conditions. Except there had been doctors, and they knew what they were doing. I wasn’t dying, it only felt like I was dying. I wasn’t dying now. I was going to get through this. I just had to STAND UP! “Please.” I adjusted myself on my knees and lifted, raising my camera arm and looped it over the yellow rail beside me. "Get up.” Once steadied and the noise faded a bit in my ears, I rocked, sliding my foot and angled my body. “Stand.” It took some effort, some coaxing, but I braced my arm against the rail and pushed up on my feet until I was standing. On the one side of the room was a terminal set up with computers, the irritating blue screens gleamed in welcome as I crossed the grate towards them. On the counter sat a forgotten coffee mug, filled halfway with black goop. What a tragedy. I put my hand on one of the chair backs and slid it out. That chair was incredibly soft, I can’t remember a softer chair. I leaned on my good side and set the camera in my lap, but made sure to keep my swollen hand locked in the strap. It wasn’t going anywhere. I just… needed a moment. A pause to collect myself, whatever of that was left. Wait for the Walrider to find me if necessary. Just a moment. Let the pain subside and I’ll be ready. My head drooped and the world faded away. If I never found my way back, then that would be fine as well. But I didn’t believe I would be that lucky.

#miles upshure #outlast #outlast fanfiction #outlast novelized

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rmfaye-blog · 6 years

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application

tw: violence, death

Ruin is a potent word. Evocative enough. Visceral. It’s a slipknot of a syllable, and only one at that. On better days, something more palatable. Pill-sized.

And it is that small. Nearly mundane, to the point of being thoroughly unremarkable. I’d rather spare the details I wouldn’t mull over myself—be it the meticulous choice of language. The sheer drama of metaphor. Whatever.

Whatever.

Ruin is enough.

The first thing that comes to mind is “hereditary.” Two expats with flight abilities who remain landlocked on an island south of the Malay peninsula.Two people that couldn’t cave to the pull of the compass needle and instead remain two feet planted firm. Two parents that decide that there’s joy in confined, domestic spaces: a three-story Newton condominium built off of exploited labor. Milk spoiling in the fridge. Baby teeth kept in a jar.

I was fine, at first. Great, actually. Nothing I liked more than the security of four walls. Marked territory in its own right. The ticker had been the second I’d turned thirteen, when something flicked on in my brain. Warped. Uncertain. Then it went haywire. Television snow for vision, but it’s soaked red to the last pixel. Every nerve pulsing.

Had anyone had taken my skull and cracked it in two, they might’ve seen it then. Right inside the fleshy, worm-pink of the cerebrum: an unusually large amygdala, perhaps. A shriveled fold where the prefrontal cortex resides.

My parents, however, had the misfortune of knowing too much and understanding too little. Animal-based mutation runs in the family, but mine was a whole different kind of breed.

I have to give it to them. They tried their hardest. Home schooling until they couldn’t at fourteen, a false diagnosis for intermittent explosive disorder in case I raise hell. But even the most patient forms of love can wear thin.

In some cases, neither patience nor love can do anything at all.

Gumi is a conundrum of a memory. If I wanted to be the poster girl for their PR department, I might have hailed it as the “sanctuary” for folks of our sort. But that’s not a position I’d gun for. I’m self aware at least. Self aware with a crippling habit of looking at the mirror and thinking vanish. Vanish.

Vanish.

I took to Hellion, Hellion took to me. A straight shot that hit bulls’ eye. Their dorm building allowed for some semblance of normalcy, that much was reassuring.

I can’t tell you about what happened on those hunts. The island. Inside the cage. Again, details. There are two people who have long graduated, but they have the teeth marks to show for it. Along their spine, back of the neck, the inner flesh of their arms. Battle scars, for the times they can glow with pride.

A few reminders out of many, on all of mine.

It’s funny how the little things turn you inside out. A shift in position. A loose strand of hair. A single malign cell.

For me, it’d been a phone call.

That’s another time I don’t speak of either. Neither does the one who was with me that night. People speak about their childhood terrors, the shadows that creep along their walls, of the hollow judgement that echoes in the word of raw guilt. And all I can say is, talk to me when you know grief.

Talk to me when you know about the way it crawls, tears into your ribs. When it scratches through the walls, the wood of the headboard, and when that isn’t enough it’s the skin of another person and then your own—but it’s not your own, that’s not your nails that claw into muscle, the screams that stun the hall into silence—and it isn’t enough, enough,

Enough,

Enough.

ENOUGH.

“What’s your damage?” Is what my therapist of six years likes to ask me in lieu of a greeting, tongue-in-cheek, demure smile pressed into the heel of her palm. And I laugh. Or smile. Depending on the hour, the flux of my mood. Call-and-response. For someone who’s gone through so little I talk way too fucking much.

Some days it’s about how the daffodils in my window box have bloomed earlier than expected. Or I’d seen a white cat run with a fledgling limp in its mouth. Other days, an infomercial on salvation during breakfast spurs a monologue on how God now requires collateral. Investment. (”Well you’re my project here too, Faye.” “As if I don’t know that, Jinah.” Then we’d laugh.)

The previous session had been about DNA. How my father, with FLIGHT sewn into his atoms was overtaken by one that commanded ROT. My father, uselessly stubborn as he was patient.

A mutant defeated by a mutation of all things. The irony stings, a hard slap to the cheek.

I had to take a gap year before returning to my graduate studies. A year that led me to everywhere and nowhere—the pillow held to my mouth in the solitary confines of my room, hands reaching for the peak of Kilimanjaro on an entirely different continent.

I don’t know what I was trying to hold in, let alone was searching for. I must’ve succeeded in both endeavors to have returned.

It’s that, or that fat sum of money for my PhD that had me leave my poor mother behind in Hong Kong to crawl back to Incheon.

Whatever helps me sleep better at night.

An ‘I’ in ruin. An 'I’ to personalize, hold to the rapture like a flame. It’s the most dangerous pronoun.

For: I stand next to you in ruin.

Ru(i)n (I) run I run

So I run.

Feral mind is an ability where the user is thrown into a state of pure violent, animalistic fury. During this time, one’s most primal instincts are kicked into high gear, namely the fight or flight dichotomy—the former a more common occurrence when compared to the latter. The pupils dilate to a disturbing degree, and any last bit of human conditioning (language, socialized behavior, rationale, etc.) ceases to exist. In its place, more creature-like tendencies take shape, be it through body language or nonverbal sounds such as hissing and growling. Familiar faces are rendered prey, and the damage that follows is often critically irreversible. Traits such as strength, stamina and reflexes are also enhanced—what was once impossible to break with average human ability is done almost effortlessly.

This ability can only activated by some form of trigger; with Faye, it’s anything that causes an emotional/mental imbalance, be it by forced or natural means. Her time at Gumi has allowed her to fine tune the ability to initiate this power at will—focusing on a negatively charged memory usually does the trick. Bringing Faye back to her “ground” state proves to be difficult even to this day, though it has significantly improved since the power first manifested. Hours of meditation, intensive emotionally-focused therapy and anger management have allowed for some improvement. In cases where her enraged state don’t cease, tranquilizers have been used as a last resort (she keeps a few on her person, just in case).

WEAKNESSES

Episodes of rage last between twenty minutes to two whole hours, depending on the emotional intensity and physical condition of the user. Naturally, the longer one remains in that spell, the more weakened they’ll become in the aftermath. cases of sudden burnout, fainting and collapsing are not uncommon.

Weights up to five times her weight (~500-600lb) can be lifted with ease—anything that exceeds that amount will only increase in difficulty, with 1000lb (about one-fourth of the total weight of a car) being her absolute limit. Even then, such amounts can only be held for about 15 seconds or less.

Running speeds go up to twice the rate of the maximum human rate, averaging in around 30-35mph, with distances lasting up to only 2-5 miles.

Users with strength, speed, and tranquility-based abilities could wear down and potentially overpower those with feral minds.

Incapable of deflecting injury. Any that are received do carry over, regardless of the degree of severity. This also applies to how one’s ability use: in that state, running over 20 miles an hour is a walk in the park, but the soreness will be present long after they’re returned back to “normal.”

The more frequently feral mind is in use, the more prone the user is to mental and emotional stability in their normal state. The probability of mood swings and emotional outbursts do increase, as do the chances that their “human” personality might slip from them entirely.

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whoisleft-rp · 6 years

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CONGRATULATIONS TO ADMIN AMANDA //

// FOR EARNING THE ROLE OF GRETCHEN OLLIVANDER

Full application included under the cut !

In Character // Getting to know your muse

Name: Gretchen Eileen Ollivander

Gender/Gender Identity: Cisgender Female

Age & Birthday: (I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling) 22 years young, born August 6th

[source]

Your greatest challenge is: coping with routine

The way forward is: to understand that routine is not always a deadening force; it can provide a safe and secure structure in which creativity can be nurtured.

On The Dark Size: Reckless, obsessive, unfocused

At their best: Exciting, creative, ambitious

Power thought: “I can see eternity in a grain of sand”

People born on August 6th have a lust for life, especially things that are uncommon and exciting. Their fascination with what is unique leads them to seek out the extraordinary and attracts interesting experiences their way.

The urge for people born on this day to participate fully in every area of their lives can make it hard for them to deal with the more mundane aspects of life. This is because, whether they realize it or not, they are forever searching for something extraordinary or unusual.

When life does not live up to their expectations they can become moody, despondent and restless. The key to success and happiness for them is to find ways to combine their passion for the unique and unusual with the routine of daily life.

In interpersonal relationships: People born on this day are never short of admirers because they have an unquenchable interest in others and the ability to make them feel special. They can be sensual and passionate as well as reliable and kind, but their intensity can become wearing. It is important for them to understand that laughter, fun, silence and just chilling out with the person you love are a crucial part of keeping a relationship spontaneous and alive.In the professional sphere: These people thrive in careers that offer them plenty of travel, variety, networking, and challenges.

Astrological sign: Leo

Pros: Kind and helpful, energetic, optimistic, straightforward, and loyal

Cons: Headstrong, egoistic, possessive, dominating, impatient, arrogant

Sexuality: While she’s out there fighting for equality on the war front, Gretchen is also an equal opportunity employer in her love life. Although her attraction varies from person to person ––and she tends to seek out women when she wants to actually enjoy herself vs. men when there’s something to be gained–– one thing remains constant. Her attention span is short, but she likes to keep people on the leash for a long time after she’s gone; though she doesn’t want every person she goes for, she always wants them to want her, even when she’s already moved on and wandered away.

She likes to be liked, wants to be wanted, and needs to be needed…even though the latter of those is one of her biggest turn-offs when she’s actually faced with it. She’s far from the manic-pixie-dream-girl trope, but it’s often one that she projects to others, hoping they’ll see her as something elusive, mysterious and unforgettable. Whether or not she remembers them a year from now is unimportant.

As far as committed relationships go, Gretchen has only been in one ever–– something that evolved between her and one of her closest friends at school. She’s shut that part of her heart down and not allowed herself to dwell on the effect the collapse of that relationship had on her, but it’s wrecked her far more than she’s realized and will crop up more and more the longer she’s back in England, in familiar surroundings.

A little more on Gretchen + interpersonal relationships...

Although she craves the same validation she doles out to others, intimacy is something she won’t allow into her life. She’d rather be remembered for being the enigmatic girl who slipped out of bed before her partner was awake, to stay on their mind and be remembered as a privilege not an obligation. She’d rather be known as someone flighty and unattainable than have to face rejection, or the loss of someone she’d really grown attached to.

When it comes to people who do really know the ‘real’ her––like her family, for instance––flaws and all, she often experiences a discomfort wherein she feels that they don’t really know her. She lives in such a state of flux, movement, change, action. She feels as though she’s learning every day. She feels as though she’s an entirely new person every morning when she wakes up, or with every new phase she enters. Order of The Phoenix Gretchen is not the same as Gryffindor Gretchen who is not the same as the girl who once sat on her grandfather’s knee for story time. If they were looking at her like she was the same person now as she was back then (for she really doesn’t know how strongly consistent her inconsistent personality has remained over the years), then they had to be wrong, didn’t they?

Sum your character up in three words: Shake It Off

In Character // [GRADUATES & ADULTS]

Occupation:

Technically speaking, Gretchen is a full-time member of the Order. However, her actual career path is different on paper, and quite unique, even for the Order roster. Nobody blinked an eye when restless, can’t-commit-to-a-path Gretchen took a position with a Temp Agency. She loved it, and could easily talk about why; meeting new people all the time, different jobs from week to week, the chance to travel and network and dip her toes into fresh waters. One week, she might be a secretary for someone high-up at the Ministry whose usual receptionist was sick; the next, a cater waiter at a fancy, pureblood-thrown cocktail event; the next, tending bar at a respectable hotel. However, the twist comes (like most twists in her live have come) from Albus Dumbledore himself. The agency is one of the institutions compromised by the Order of the Phoenix and under its thumb. She goes, strictly speaking, where she’s needed, trying to blending into situations that she otherwise wouldn’t have access to and trying to collect information from figures that might have otherwise not trusted her, or remained behind closed doors.

Where do they live?

After she’d exhausted her travel options [see last history point] Gretchen took a flat above a shop (not her grandfather’s) in Diagon Alley. Her place is a sprawling one-bedroom with a lot of light, and she can only afford it because the actual bedroom is occupied and paid for by a rarely-around, wealthy Chinese woman named Zhi Ruo who keeps to herself and never complains about the state of the main room of the apartment, which Gretchen occupies…and occupies, and occupies and occupies.

The living room/kitchen combination is like something out of a bizarre, very pink film–– Gretchen sleeps on a floor-level mattress over by the windows, surrounded by a sea of freestanding clothing racks overflowing with fun furs, outfits she’s never worn but ‘might some day’ and winter coats that are aesthetically pleasing but very out of season. Books stand in freewheeling piles around the apartment, the couch is a futon that is neither comfortable nor matching to the rest of the décor, and despite owning a very good wand that could take care of the job easily, most dishes put into the sink tend to live there for about a week.

Still, the place has a charm to it and while it’s extremely messy, it’s at least clean and navigable.

What branches of magic are they best/worst at, and why?

Far and away, Gretchen’s best when it comes to a duel. She was never the type of person content to be ‘a second’ to anyone in anything, so fighting for herself was something she had to grow into quickly. She’s prone to thinking before she speaks and acting on impulse, so it’s little surprise how many scrapes she’s gotten herself into over the years. The last thing she wants is to be seen as someone who can’t put their money where their mouth is; she doesn’t often lose duels badly, but in her school days it wasn’t exactly uncommon to see her traipse back into the common room with a set of scraped knees or a bloody nose. Gretchen is quick on her feet and unafraid of pulling punches once she’s thought of them; the quick brain-to-hand trigger pull isn’t the most practical quality to have, but it’s kept her alive up until now. So she isn’t going to complain.

Her worst subject in school was Transfiguration–– she just didn’t have time for the mental gymnastics it seemed to require of her. Gretchen is a very ‘tell it as it is’ person, because she tends to see things as they are, too. She has little patience for people with a poorly-covered-up agenda, hates suckups and, for someone who spends so much of her time pretending to be someone else on a mission or lying to strangers in a bar just for the fun of it, hypocritically (but genuinely) hates being around those she deems as ‘fake’. It’s not a direct correlation, but much of this played into her frustration with the entire branch of Transfiguration. If a feather is a feather, it’s a feather and should stay a feather. She didn’t understand what point there was trying to turn it into a mouse–– why couldn’t she just go catch a mouse? Or conjure one? Teacups didn’t need tails and toads had no use for turning into eyeglasses. It had been drilled into her, over and over again, how practical the subject was supposed to be. But she never found a way to connect it to her own needs or interests, and so checked out at all the most crucial moments.

It also had to do with the fact that she immediately soured on the class after she wasn’t naturally talented at it after the first few lessons…but she’ll never tell that side of the story.

Other:

Gretchen comes from a family of wand makers; anyone who got their wands at age eleven from her grandfather’s shop, or even heard of the famed Diagon Alley dispensary, could clock that fact about her immediately. Even though she’s never been the Wand Expert in her family of experts or had any interest in taking up the family trade for her own, she’s always been a little bit possessive about wandlore.

She can’t help but interrupt someone in public who claims to know a lot about the subject; chances are, she knows enough to step on the one tiny detail they got wrong, and build up her own projected sense of knowledge in the subject.

In that same vein, she gets outwardly picky about anyone treating their wand poorly ––whether that be dropping it, storing it wrong, or holding it badly–– despite the fact that she’s prone to doing all of these same things. Hell, she’s been known to test out nail polish swatches on the handle of her wand; after all, she has access to the best wand-cleaning solutions in the world, with a family discount to boot.

Character History // [ALL CHARACTERS]

+ There is nothing surprising about the fact that Gretchen remembers perfectly the day she got her wand.

She had been eleven for less than five minutes, but she was already inside the lamp-lit walls of the family’s Diagon Alley shop. It was late, but she couldn’t even fathom being tired; the privilege of staying up late was a bonus along, but added to getting her first wand and being the center of family attention while she did so? There was an electricity running through her, a pure joy that was all the more evident by the fact that she was demurring with a practiced, humble air when she was met with congratulations.

She didn’t even complain when Geraldine, a year younger than her and therefore normally one of the ones who’d be made to stay home like Gretchen had had to every year before this, was permitted to come and watch. It was one more eye on her. Who was she to complain about that?

There would be no waiting for the store to open in the morning, no chance of getting stuck in line behind a future classmate of hers or elderly butterfingers looking for a repair. It was officially her birthday––had been since the clock struck twelve––and she was buzzing with anticipation at the center of a room that had fallen hushed with the same feeling. This was her night and, no matter how long it took to click with the perfect wand for her, the end result was going to change her life.

To this day, she can remember the vibration in her palm, the warmth spreading throughout her entire arm, all the way up to her heart. This was her wand, it had found her, it had chosen her. She’d been born and bred a proud Ollivander, and she felt it in every cell of her body in that moment: choked up, beaming, really connected to the finely polished wood in her hand. It was a moment she’d been looking forward to her entire life––

––and although she was genuinely over the moon, she found herself soon wishing it was a moment she could have drawn out longer. It had taken a while to find the right wand, but not that long. Her Grandfather was a pro, after all; aided by what she later found out was a well-informed guess by her middle sister, it wasn’t odd that he was quick to find her the perfect companion. Still, she wished she could have played more, tested out more wrong wands so that it felt all the more better when she finally found her wand. Eyes would have been on her a little longer; they all could have shouldered, together, the sudden burst of joy and relief that the delayed gratification would bring.

It was, on paper, the perfect night and she always describes it as such. Still, she can’t help but remember privately looking back the fact that she wished it had been something a little...more. That was what happened when Gretchen built something up in her head for long enough, or hit a ‘traditional milestone’. She’s always wanted everything to be celebratory, memorable and way over the top.

Her grandfather remarked later in the night that Gretchen would have tried out every wand in the shop if it’d let her–– and though he’d said it fondly, there was something in his voice and eye both that rang of truth, of unintentional criticism. This is something she remembered perfectly for years as well. It was like he saw her, really saw her, in that moment and wasn’t a huge fan. Gretchen knew that her grandfather loved her–– in her bones, she knew it.

But it became very evident to her on that night that he didn’t understand her, or didn’t want to. Even if it was all in her head, that night was the start of a slight wall going up between Garrick and herself; it was uncomfortable to be known instead of fawned over, to be told things about yourself that were true and known to others before they were known to you.

There’s a chance he didn’t mean anything by the comment at all, or didn’t even remember it himself over a decade later.

Regardless, Gretchen makes sure to make a point of picking up several wands from the shelves every time she visits the shop and idly waving them about–– just looking! she’ll say, or just to see!

+ Gretchen has always been a fighter.

It wasn’t that she was an early, small or sickly baby–– none of the things that “she’s a fighter!” usually gets tacked to describing. In fact, even though her sisters followed very close behind her in age, Gretchen was a healthy, chubby, happy and well-attended baby who enjoyed the glowing spotlight of being the oldest. She was doted on, happy to soak up the attention from her parents, their friends and the family’s extended relatives. Dinner parties were her platform to put on shows; when the lines of questioning came about her starting school and how her classes were getting on, she didn’t shy from the questions but indulged in the fact that she had a captive audience, especially for that first year of Hogwarts before Geraldine joined as her peer.

However, she has always been searching for reasons to fight–– especially if it was for the ‘Right Reasons’. She’d wait for her parents to punish one of her siblings, and then take the side of her sister with fiery determination. She wasn’t pretending to love her sisters unconditionally or anything; she really did. But she took these fights to a degree they never needed to reach, if only because they were so justifiable. Of course she was going to launch herself, uninvited, between her parents and Gloria when the latter hadn’t cleaned her room (“She’s my sister! Of course I’m going to stand up for her!”) or between her parents and Geraldine when the former accused their middle daughter of spending too much time conspiring to begin her apprenticeship with Garrick early (“You’re always talking about how family is so important, why can’t you stick to your words? You’re complete hypocrites.”)

Of course, the fact that she was so keen to jump into other people’s arguments with her sisters didn’t mean she was at all deterred from fighting with them herself. How could she help herself? She was right! Most of the time––the overwhelming majority of the time––Gretchen was so completely convinced that she was coming into things as the only person with the correct, clearest point of view. To her, it seemed worth fighting over. Fighting for. She had a genuine penchant for justice, but couldn’t help but be overly performative with it. It was a great way to ‘scratch the itch’ before the Order came into her life and gave her the ultimate goal.

It was this knack for fighting that got her into trouble once, as a student. And it was that same knack for fighting that got her out of it, as a young adult.

For the former, she was a sixth year. Something about her had grown restless–– maybe because she was past the year when she could use ‘I have OWLs to prepare for’ to sound importantly busy but it was far too soon for her to consider beginning preparation for NEWTS. She’d always had a hot streak, always used ‘why not?’ as the perfect reasoning to loudly, proudly and pointedly share her many opinions. She liked to think of herself as very fearless. Others had different adjectives in mind, and it wasn’t long before bickering with a certain stuck-up Ravenclaw boy (Jorah Daniels, a name she refuses to forget even now that it’s all ancient history) turned into setting up a duel. It would have to be after curfew, no doubt. She needed a second; she needed to make sure her wand was ready; she needed to wear comfortable shoes for once.

The duel itself was unremarkable. Each of them got a few good shots in. A few knock-backs, some singed robes, a handful of satisfyingly green bruises. They were fighting pridefully over their pride, not with any real violence in their hearts. But still, as teens with wands were wont to do, they got carried away. Things got louder, and stickier, and neither was interested in calling things off and calling it a tie. Once escalated, it probably would have continued for hours––or until a tragic injury occurred––but interference happened swiftly and suddenly, with the sound of unfamiliar shoes approaching around the corner. The students all scattered, but in the shuffle Gretchen dropped her wand. She could have gone back for it the next day (on the off chance it wasn’t picked up and used to identify her), but it was her wand. She was bonded to it, it had served her well tonight and, besides, something felt inherently uncomfortable about running away from something she’d set up with so much conviction about it being the right thing to do.

If she really thought she was in the right here, didn’t it make sense to stand by it and accept her punishment? There was a little drama in that, sure. A little Martyrdom. But those were two things she was well versed in, and they too aided in her hesitation to bolt.

When she came face to face with Headmaster Dumbledore and was asked to escort him back to his office, she was sure she was done for. That her parents would be written to, or that a mountain of detentions were about to come her way. Instead, she was treated to a delightfully confusing conversation that seemed to be filled with inside jokes that she wasn’t on the inside of yet, and innuendo she wasn’t worldly enough (to her chagrin) to understand.

She did not get in trouble that night.

Years later, standing alone in the dusty familiarity of her grandfather’s wand shop, she did not get in trouble either. She’d been wandering the globe. There was still dirt under her fingernails from hiking in Spain, a bruise on her thigh from the Australian bush, and a cough rattling her lungs she’d picked up on the train back to London. It hadn’t taken her long to get the itch to fight again––that’s what happened when she didn’t have enough to keep her occupied, too busy to take up any new causes to champion. A curfew had been set over the city in the wake of the worsening war, but Gretchen’s feet didn’t know how to stop moving her around; a studio apartment couldn’t contain her, and it had been a while since she’d tried to fight the urge. This last duel had gotten the better of her wand. The wood around the base was splintered slightly; a disaster for most people, but a quick trip to see Geraldine was all it meant for Gretchen.

Dumbledore needed to only cast a quick look at her wand to know what she was up to–– there was a look on his face, a twinkle in his eye. Gretchen felt the same mix of embarrassment and fierce pride that she had years ago as a student. She met his eye and didn’t speak until he did. When he finally broke the silence, it was not with an admonishment, as she suspected (some people never outgrow looking up to their teachers), but with an offer.

Gretchen quit her aimless wandering after that. She had direction now, a permanent cause to champion as a newly minted member of the Order of the Phoenix. She bought into the organization immediately ––always one for disguises, adrenaline, the poetry of espionage and, above all else, throwing herself into causes that she deeply believed deserved justice.

+ Gretchen’s family has always been at the center of her life.

Everyone knows that she’d do anything for her sisters, no matter how many frustrated arguments they’ve had over the years or how inconsistent she is about keeping in touch now that they aren’t conveniently herded under one roof from September to June.

Besides her sisters, Gretchen had always been close to her parents. Sure, fights weren’t uncommon––especially as the growing paints kicked in––but they always made up with a stiff nod and a hug, and the whole thing turned to dust and got swept easily under the nearest rug. Growing up, Gretchen liked to be the one to host her friends for sleepovers or summer trips. She was proud of her house, comfortable showing off her room, and not-so-secretly pleased every time someone new came over for the first time and remarked to her how in love her parents seemed. ‘That’s just how they’ve always been,’ Gretchen would say with a wave of her hand, because it was true and because it sounded appropriately humble. She’d lived a warm, happy childhood with the warm, happy support of her family.

Which was why it was such a horrible, jarring, awful shock when the Ollivander parents sat their trio of girls down over Christmas dinner and told them that their marriage was over.

Gretchen, to the shock of many, took the side of the mother she’d always clashed with over the father who’d always patted her on the head and slipped her extra spending money. She has a lot of reasons to give people, each revealing a part of her heart but neither telling the whole story: her mother deserved someone who actually made her happy; her father had never been able to properly express his appreciation and romantic love for her; her mother needed her support more; her father may not have been so innocent himself, did anybody think to ask?

At her core though, Gretchen knows that her loyalty to her mother had come for the same reasons she’d fought with the woman so much over the years: Gretchen was becoming her, surely and not all that slowly. With every year she aged, Gretchen saw her mother’s face in the mirror a little more, or heard her in the timbre of her own voice when she got angry, or found herself picking up a hobby she’d rolled her eyes at her mother doing when Gretchen was a child still living at home. She saw in her mother the person that she might end up being herself one day–– someone she was starting to think she actually wanted to be, too.

What if this was another part of the family genes? What if Gretchen was destined to wander along the same path, in the older woman’s footsteps, and ended up pulling out the rug from under her family because she wasn’t built to stay loyal either? It didn’t sound like her at all, and it was surely a selfish was of thinking–– but it was also more effort than she’d ever put in before, trying to picture herself in her mother’s shoes. It lit a fire of empathy in her and let her choose between the rock and the hard place that Christmas dinner had become the night the girls were told about the pending divorce.

Never one to do things halfway, Gretchen has found herself now almost stubbornly close with her mother and not communicating with her father at all. It’s an extreme position to take, not to mention an unnecessary one, but Gretchen isn’t Gretchen if she doesn’t throw herself headlong into one side of a battle. It’s true for the war, and it’s true for home life. Not going all-in left room for doubt, loose threads and messes. If she hadn’t chosen all at once, she wouldn’t have been able to choose at all–– and to this day, she’s too proud and scared all at once to admit to herself that maybe she needn’t have chosen at all.

+ Gretchen is at a curious place in her life...

...caught between the phase of her youth where she’s “too young to have to grow up and make any long term plans” but well into that phase of young adult life where she doesn’t like to be told what to do. Too young to care, but old enough to know better–– it’s a phase of arrested development, where she has one foot in childhood and one in adulthood, and is determined to pick her favorite aspects of each to life out.

She’s an adult, after all...on the days that it suits her to be. She’s too young for the responsibilities she doesn’t want to take on, but too old to be told how she should be living her life. She’s going to live forever; she’s done enough living to have her opinions fleshed out and fully informed. It’s a middle ground mess of contradiction and, though the growing pains might eventually overtake her, she’s enjoying it for the time being.

In some ways, this has always been a part of her personality. In others, though, her current phase can be traced back to her extended Australian vacation. Gretchen had emerged from Hogwarts, wind at her back and several NEWTS successfully under her belt–– she’d always been a great standardized test-taker. She had a lot of things that she could do with herself, and even more things she wanted to get done.

The first thing on that list was to travel. Gretchen ended up staying on the road for a long time after her graduation from Hogwarts, even before she became involved with the Order. As the first of her sisters to graduate from Hogwarts and enter the real world, she felt quite worldly. So, it was off into the world she went.

‘I’m thinking about taking a whole month,’ was how the planning had started.

By the time arrangements had begun, she was looking and being gone closer to two months, which was the minimum time needed to visit all the colorful pins she’d stuck at haphazard angles into the fancy, rolled-out maps that had become the apple of her eye.

In the end, she left without telling anyone when she would be back, because she didn’t know herself. She just wanted to go.

First, she flitted off to Australia for a few months, only telling a few where she was going and doing a poor job of staying in touch. When it came time to return home, she realized that she didn’t want to–– too much to face, or not enough to keep her interested. The answer she told herself changed by the day. So, she extended her exploration.

A two week backpacking trip through Spain became a four week backpacking adventure through Iceland–– then Germany, then Italy, then South Africa, then Taiwan. She had a small sum of money to blow through, care of her family graduation gifts, and a sense of adventure that only grew stronger with each new destination.

When she finally tired out, Gretchen came back home, to her parents’ houses, first to live with her mother (who she’d unequivocally sided with in her parents’ divorce), and then with her father (after a blow-up fight with her mother, brought on by being an adult, albeit a young one, thrust back into close quarters with a parental figure).

Only a month of this song and dance was enough to prove to Gretchen that she wasn’t fit for it–– she felt too old for her parents’ rules, too independent to fit into the skin of her childhood life and, most importantly, too restless to keep living in a place she’d already lived. From there, she explored a variety of short-term situations–– six weeks with a ‘boyfriend’ (the term loosely applied), two in a hostel, a handful of sublets across London and outer, smaller cities.

Eventually, she ended up right where her original journey had started. Living above a shop in Diagon Alley, consorting with old professors and forgetting to alert a lot of her old friends that she was back. Although so much about her life now is the same as when she’d originally left––and she still comes and goes as she pleases, rarely giving warning––the core mission of all that travel was successful. Gretchen felt different, like she’d outrun something, or grown well into her own skin.

And on the days that she doubts that growth, or worries that she’s just the same as the teen who’d originally bought an armful of world maps from Flourish and Blotts? At least she has some good stories to tell as a distraction.

Tools For Success // [ALL CHARACTERS]

Wand: Aspen, unicorn tail hair, 12 inches even

Amortentia: Cinema popcorn, peach perfume, fresh paint, red wine

Boggart: No offense to darling Gloria, but Gretchen has always been terrified of snakes. There’s no rhyme or reason or traumatic event behind it. She just can’t see one without shuddering, and doesn’t know what she’d do if faced with one in real life–– maybe it’s for good reason that she always wears high-heeled shoes tall enough to be weapons. Her footwear is no help when it comes to boggarts, however; the one that would appear if faced with a boggart out in the wild would be a cobra of massively exaggerated proportions, ready to strike and strangle her once she’s incapacitated with fear.

In The Hot Seat // [ALL CHARACTERS]

What are your characters political views and how do they see the upcoming war?

Gretchen has always felt the most responsible for her siblings…but that doesn’t mean she’s a mother hen. No, Gretchen has long had her own way of doing things, choosing to fiercely protect and defend her siblings from harm instead of actually encouraging them to stay out of harm’s way in the first place. It would have been hypocritical of her to do the latter, anyway. She has always been a bit of a thrill seeker herself; there’s never been an adventure or a chance to prove herself that didn’t get her heart racing faster. She likes to feel like a protector, a defender of mankind.

She’s never been one for sitting back and silently refusing to voice her opinions…which is how she got tangled up with the Order of the Phoenix.

To Gretchen, the right side of the war is so obvious, and she’s determined to appear in the sympathetic and heroic half of the history books. Not only is she shameless about pointing at people and telling them that they need to care more about any issue that holds relevance at the moment, she’s at her best when the same is done to her. She has no hesitations about standing up for what she believes in, and actually gets off her butt to put her money where her mouth is–– or her wand, or her time, or her effort. She’s not pretending to care about the war, nor any of the smaller issues within the ecosystem of it. She very passionately believes in the Order’s mission and holds her involvement with it as a point of major pride…which is why it’s little surprise that it’s taken over much of her life.

Who is/was the most important person in your characters life?

She would never say it out loud ––for many reasons, many of which have to do with the fact that she thinks of herself as a family gal through and through–– but this title probably goes to Albus Dumbledore.

Gretchen definitely sees the Order through rose colored glasses, and is extremely entrenched in its mission and culture. Politics aside, it’s given her something to fight for. It’s given her training, preparation, wisdom from people she respects, and the chance to feel like she’s actually making a difference in the world. It’s tapped into her penchant for justice. It’s made her feel like she has a sense of control over things in such a scary, turbulent time.

It is, in many ways, her whole life–– and it’s a life that Albus Dumbledore gave to her, because he saw something special in her, something she’d always felt was there. He’s paved the way for her to become the person she wants to be, and she feels a deep indebtedness to him for that.

What is your character’s best quality?

Gretchen has a knack––mostly with strangers, but in some capacity with everyone she comes into contact with––to make people feel special.

She’s a touch to the arm and some deep eye contact that makes you feel listened to; she’s the person who repeats more loudly the question you asked but nobody else in the group heard. She makes people feel special and loved and interesting because she wants people to see her, in equal measure, as special and loving and interesting. She puts a huge emphasis on making people feel validated, on creating an air of intimacy–– which has been great for both Order recruiting purposes and with the success of her missions, since she’s talented at pulling people into her world and making them want to fan the flames with her.

Beyond that, she’s a fierce defender. She has a penchant for wanting to help out worthy underdogs, and actually puts the work in to make that happen. She doesn’t always perfectly practice what she preaches ––she’s human, after all–– but she does believe in getting off her butt and trying to change the world, which is more than can be said for some people she knows.

What is your character’s worst quality?

Gretchen is self-centered. What makes it worse is that she doesn’t realize this at all. For all she talks about the importance of self-indulgence and the benefits of focusing energy inward, she really has no clue how Gretchen-centric her entire worldview is.

She’s ‘practically an adult’ now, after all; she’s traveled, she reads the paper, she has her degree from Hogwarts. She’s a member of a vigilante organization helping to stop the most violent war that Wester European Wizarding World has ever seen, for christsakes! She knows what she’s talking about.

Or, at least, that’s how she sees it.

Gretchen has always acted a certain way, acting out the impulses and vices of the version of herself that exists in her head: terribly charming, philanthropic, justice-seeking and enviable. She sees herself the way that she fancies herself; when she does something that she’s convinced is for someone else’s benefit, even if they haven’t asked for her help, she’s confused when they don’t effuse with thanks. Gretchen likes to do things her way and thinks that she knows best. The real disconnect comes when she fails to realize that not everybody sees her the way she sees herself–– or, in other words, the way she projects herself to be. Some people, especially the people that know her best, actually see her for everything she is, the good and the bad. And Gretchen just can’t understand why they seem to dwell on the bad (in order words, notice it at all) instead of focusing on all the good she does (tries to do/intends to do one day/is thinking about doing).

There is a lot that’s paradoxical about Gretchen–– for instance, she wants to be praised heavily for her hard work and skills yet, at the same time, wants everyone to see her as someone who is effortlessly talented. It’s easy for her to smile and shrug off a compliment by saying it’s no big deal. But if the compliments stop after that, despite her deflection, she’ll become cold and confused, wondering where the new critique is stemming from.

All of this stems from––and flows back to––her self-centeredness. It’s hard for her to wrap her head around the fact that people see things so differently from the way that she does, especially because she’s spent so much time trying to get into her own head.

What are your character’s bad habits?

Gretchen is in massive, massive debt. It’s not a fact she goes around spreading, but her lines of credit have been well abused–– and not just because of her extended travel adventures or on-the-low-side paying job. Gretchen loves her instant gratification. In fact, she loves instant gratification almost as much as she loves pink fur coats, of which she has three. She loves to shop. She eats primarily upscale takeout food. She signs up for boutique yoga classes, has a never-ending stock of face masks and creams, and insists on being the one to pay when she goes out with even the most distant of acquaintances. If she feels the urge to go out, she’s going to go out rather than check her budget. And if someone she meets out at the bar insists that she’s got to come cliff-jumping with him and ‘some cool people’ off the coast next Thursday, she’s going to toss some cash at that before consulting her calendar to see if Thursday even works.

There are a few other things, that she sees as devilishly endearing yet drive others up the wall: she’s never on time; has a tendency to double-book herself and have to flake on plans; she’s bad at updating people on her life but finds herself bewildered when they don’t know what’s going on with her; she flirts all the time, whether she realizes it or not.

She sees all of these as fun quirks–– so there’s no chance of them turning around any time soon.

The Rumor Mill // [ALL CHARACTERS]

the good

Gretchen will do absolutely anything for her sisters. Even if they don’t see each other all that often outside of holidays; even if they’re known to bicker because of their different ways of seeing the world. She still considers them the best, most important people in her life and would walk through any fire to make sure they’re okay.

Gretchen can and will kick arse in a duel, and she’s great to have on your side in a fight. Whether that means a second in a proper wand-on-wand showdown or just someone to stand behind you and fiercely nod when you need to make a point, she has a fiery type of loyalty that can’t be shaken.

the true, but completely absurd

Gretchen once accidentally, ‘technically’ prostituted herself. In Portugal, when she was nineteen, she entered into what she thought was a one night stand after a cantina’s last call. There was a huge language barrier, though, and some vague gesturing was all the communication the two engaged in before setting off together. To Gretchen, it had been small talk; to him, she later found out, it was a lively negotiation. As she was on her way out, backpack slung over one shoulder, the man passed some money her way. It didn’t occur to her until she was back at her hostel what must have happened there–– and to this day, it’s one of her favorite stories to tell when she’s had a few too many drinks, which is why it’s no wonder it’s made the rounds a bit.

the bad

Gretchen is a little bit of a hot mess. If you have plans with her, it’s best to confirm two or three times in the lead-up to make sure she’s actually coming...and to tell her to be there an hour before she actually has to be, to increase the chances she’ll show up on time.

Gretchen needs to be the center of attention, and likes things to happen on her terms. It’s no wonder that she’s flitting herself all over the globe; there are always new audiences to be found, and new groups of friends to exhaust.

the false

Gretchen’s only so good at dueling because she convinced that grandfather of hers to cram an extra unicorn tail hair into her wand in hopes of doubling its power.

Anything goes // Free section!

The official Gretchen Ollivander playlist can be found here !

#accepted #Sample App

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E-TOWN HALL MEETING BY AIAA LA LV & SCALACS w/ DR. CLAIRE, DR. ANJU GUPTA, and Mr. Kevin McNulty

E-TOWN HALL MEETING BY AIAA LA LV & SCALACS w/ DR. CLAIRE & DR. ANJU GUPTA RSVP and Information: https://conta.cc/3d1oAdU Volunteers are needed for all AIAA activities, please contact [email protected] e-Town Hall Meeting by AIAA LA LV & SCALACS June 13, 2020, 10 AM 40 Years of Overcoming Challenges by Dr. Claire Leon Loyola Marymount University and An insight on Graphene Based Multiscale Coatings for Phase Change Heat Transfer Applications by Dr. Anju R. Gupta University of Toledo and The Dynamics of Keeping Your Head Up! How to Be Resilient in Challenging Times by Kevin McNulty Founder, Humadyn-Life Skills Institute RSVP and Information: https://conta.cc/3d1oAdU Event Calendar: Upcoming events: aiaa-lalv.org/events 10:05 AM Dr. Chandrashekhar Sonwane (Welcome Message) 10:10 AM Dr. Brian Brady (Welcome Message) 10:15 AM Mr. Casey Moninghoff (AIAA LA LV Section STEM K-12 Activities) 10:20 AM Dr. Claire Leon (40 Years of Overcoming Challenges) 11:20 AM Dr. Anju Gupta (An insight on Graphene Based Multiscale Coatings for Phase Change Heat Transfer Applications) 12:30 PM Kevin McNulty (The Dynamics of Keeping Your Head Up! How to Be Resilient in Challenging Times) 1:45 PM Adjourn Claire Leon will discuss her experiences working in industry, for the government and academia, and offer suggestions for working professionals in various phases of their careers Dr. Claire Leon started her career at Hughes, Space and Communications Group in 1979. She gained experience across the company, through positions of increasing responsibility in Systems Engineering and Program Management. She was promoted to Vice President of Navigation and Communications Systems within Boeing, in 2008, responsible for the AF satellite programs, as well as a number of classified programs. She transitioned to VP of National programs later in 2008, where she led the program turn around for a critical ACAT I program on the customer Contractor Responsibility Watch List (CRWL) that became a high performing program, delivered outstanding operational capability. She also transitioned the National Space and Communications Programs (NSCP) from a cost-plus to fixed price in response to customer affordability concerns. She retired from Boeing, in 2013, as the Vice President of National Programs. Dr. Leon became a member of the Senior Executive Service in the Air Force, as the Director of the Launch Enterprise Directorate, at the LA Air Force Base, California, in 2014. She was responsible buying and launching rockets for the DoD, as well as leading the transition to the next generation of launch systems. She is currently running the Graduate Program in Systems Engineering at Loyola Marymount University, as well as consulting for SAIC and Inside Out Learning. Her education background includes: Ph.D. Executive Management, Drucker School of Business, CGU, Claremont, Ca, 2010, Masters of Business Administration, UCLA, Los Angeles, Ca, 1995, Masters of Management, University of Redlands, Redlands, Ca, 1986, BS, Mechanical Engineering, George Washington University, Washington D.C., 1979 Description of Dr. Claire Leon's Consulting Services Perform management consulting for Inside Out Learning, and SAIC, and possibly additional technical management companies. Tasks include executive presentation support, coaching, strategic planning, feedback on management approach for resolving challenging problems, as well as support to independent program review teams. An insight on Graphene Based Multiscale Coatings for Phase Change Heat Transfer Applications (Dr. Anju Gupta will also talk about her passion for STEM, what made her study STEM studies dueing college. What message she has for all the girls and boys out there and the parents.) Phase change heat transfer is crucial to various engineering applications. Some prominent examples include distillation reboiler, nuclear reactor, high-powered electronic systems, and refrigeration. Boiling is a heat transfer process accompanied by phase change from liquid to vapor, subsequently, pool boiling involves the boiling of a stagnant liquid over a heated surface. This talk aims to examine the physical mechanisms of boiling heat transfer that are of prime importance to quantify the efficacy of the process. For various manifestations, the pool boiling performance of a surface is dictated by higher critical heat fluxes and heat transfer coefficients. This talk examines various strategies to create multiscale surface-active engineered surfaces with tunable properties essentially roughness, porosity, hydrophilicity, wickability and wicking rates and their influence on the heat transfer properties. First, several surface engineering methods and the resultant physical properties that can effectively modify the vapor bubble dynamics will be discussed using multiscale graphene coatings as an example. The second part of the talk will focus on electrodeposited graphene nanoplatelet (GNP) enriched copper composite coatings formed systematically by increasing the GNP concentration to yield hierarchal porous structures. These superhydrophilic with very high wicking rates resulted in high critical heat flux (CHF) and heat transfer coefficient (HTC). The copper/2 wt% GNP (weight/volume) composites exceeded the highest pool boiling performance reported in literature with a CHF of 286 W/cm² and HTC of 204 kW/m²-°C, representing an improvement of 130% in CHF and 290% in HTC over a polished copper surface. High thermal conductivity along with improved hydrophilicity and wickability of the copper/GNP coatings are attributed for the enhanced CHF. High-speed images revealed reduced bubble departure diameters and micro-size pores on the electrodeposited surface serving as nucleation sites. The increase in the bubble frequency and delayed formation of vapor blanket resulted in enhanced heat transfer properties. Dr. Anju R. Gupta: Anju Gupta is an Assistant Professor in the Department of Mechanical, Industrial and Manufacturing Engineering at the University of Toledo. She received her PhD in Chemical Engineering from University of Rhode Island. Her Interfacial Thermal and Transport lab studies phase change heat transfer on novel substrates, and transport mechanisms across the cell membrane. Dr Gupta has received funding from NSF, ACS PRF and holds two provisional patents. Dr. Gupta is an active member of AIChE , ACS, North American Thermal Analysis Society and ASEE and has published her work in a variety of scientific and education journals. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Dynamics of Keeping Your Head Up! How to Be Resilient in Challenging Times Summary: Resilient people and professionals demonstrate common traits such as flexibility, higher emotional intelligence, and mental agility. These traits allow you to live and perform well under stressful or unusual situations. For some a resilient mindset is inherent; for others, it is learned. But let's be honest, many of us struggle when it comes to our mindset, comfort zone issues, change, and routines...it's just a matter of degree. More the question is, can you manage it and bounce back? Whatever the case, the good news is...we can learn how to be more resilient. In this program, executive coach, speaker, and author Kevin McNulty will help you better understand how to better manage your emotions and mindset, increase your self-awareness, and offer tools and resources to help you keep your head up so you can thrive! KEVIN MCNULTY helps leaders and professionals elevate their people skills quotient to be more effective and influential in their roles.?Truth is, people and cultures are more complicated than in eras past. That means, if leaders and professionals want to be successful they must strengthen their soft skills. That's why Kevin has dedicated his career to improving the people skills of professionals all around the world. Often referred to as “the Conversationalist,” Kevin’s interactive keynote presentations and workshops feature proven strategies and provoke new thinking that attendees can implement to immediately improve their people skills and influence. As a masterful storyteller, Kevin uses compelling and humorous stories to cement his ideas in the minds of audience members. Kevin has been an advisor, coach and consultant to senior military commanders, federal government executives and private sector professionals for 30 years. He was mentored by the renowned leadership coach, Dr. Marshall Goldsmith and is now a premier thinker when it comes to soft skills and personal development. He is the author of The Gap Between Two Worlds (endorsed by Marshall Goldsmith and Brian Tracy), a book on change and transition. Kevin has also authored several visual teaching models that help audiences grasp human and workplace dynamics. Kevin is a 20-year veteran of the US Air Force. When it comes to influencing and really connecting with people, how do leaders and professionals know what’s the best, most effective way? They look to Kevin McNulty, an internationally recognized soft skills, leadership, and influence strategist & coach. With three decades as a trusted advisor and coach for major organizations including Jack Daniel’s, NASA and Department of Defense, Kevin has an uncanny ability for getting to the core of a concept and explaining it simply and concisely. A masterful storyteller, Kevin blends humor, an engaging style, and rock-solid advice to make him an ideal choice as a meeting opener, keynote, or closing-day speaker that will have your attendees glad they stayed through the end. Audiences leave Kevin's presentations energized with real-world ideas to transform their people skills and influence quotient. | | | Read the full article

#Aerospace #AIAA #CareerChallenges #COVID-19 #COVID-19coping #DrAnjuGupta #DrClaireLeon #Graphene #KevinMcNulty #KevnMcNulty #LasVegas #LosAngeles #Overcomingchallenges #Resilience #Resilient #SCALACS #Space #STEM #Women

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shorthaircutsmodels · 4 years

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Short Haircuts Choppy Layers - 15+

Short Haircuts Choppy Layers, The waves are random and edgy with heavily textured tips for an uneven surface. The colour is dark yellow with a medium gold highlight but there are also some ash blonde touches near the tips that break the ‘beautiful’ look. Nothing says sleek like long straight hair and layers can take it to the next level. Long hair tends to mask your face, especially if it is straight. Adding layers to the look can correct that hair around the face starting with shaggy jawline.

Short Haircuts Choppy Layers

Short Haircuts Choppy Layers, Minimal styling is necessary because glaze with layers naturally adds movement to your hair, meaning you can Press that morning alarm snooze. A side parting and delicate sweeping fringe House star Olivia Wilde is ready to transform this dream bob look. WELL, what are you waiting for. It is another easy to maintain a length bob with fantastic texture and movement.

Short Choppy Layered Hairstyles

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How do you cut Short choppy layered hair?

Short Haircuts Choppy Layers, Just don't miss these new bright ideas that seem innovative for the current spring and long-awaited summer. The hair is cut in long layers with close layers at the ends to create this beautiful spiky look along the lower edge. The deep straight round throughout the eruption is suited to oval heart and long face shapes, and there is only a slight wave here and there.

Gorgeous Layered Hairstyles & Haircuts in 2020 - 2021

Short Haircuts Choppy Layers, Trying to find different ways of a shoulder-length hairstyle can be a bit tricky. It is especially recommended for women over the age of 40, but it also appears cute in young ladies. Flirt in the most classic way possible. Hair cutting but feeling completely deflated. We understand that, and we were there until we discovered the magic powers of layering. Sure you've probably had some layers since a preteen but we're not talking about long blunt or something layers from middle school but instead eye-skimming layers of wavy facial framing that turn bobs and ponytails into works of art.

Short Choppy Haircuts Women are Getting in 2020 - 2021

Short Haircuts Choppy Layers, And for inspiration we've taken out the best of the best layered celebrity screenshot looks and hair salon pronto. I don't think about chopping your locks but I don't want to lose too much length. As you can see here, you can continue the wavy bob experience by trying a long bob. Wavy bob style is very popular at the moment this trendy hair color messy hair looks very stylish and effortless.

Short choppy hairstyles

Short Haircuts Choppy Layers, That's why. This way your face opens up and is not covered by your long threads. Strong straight lines with golden highlights that emphasize vertical movement make this a favourite for round oval or heart-faced women. The back is teased for exaggerating depth from front to back, and the tips are heavily textured into sharp shapes to complete an extremely stylish look. This is a style of hair fashion fusion that combines wavy straight waves with straight sharp textured tips for a modern style clash vibe.

Short choppy layered haircuts for round faces

Short Haircuts Choppy Layers, Beneath the textured upper layers is a cute water shadow that creates a 3D effect to make the hair look denser. A wavy bob style is very popular at the moment with this trendy hair color the same many young women prefer grey and white hair shades. Blame the impressive wisdom of Queen Elsa, or perhaps someone's very influential grandmother, but ultra-light hair is all the rage at the colour trends you'd expect.

Short choppy layered haircuts with bangs

And the soft gleaming blue colour and spiky tips make this wavy bob fab summer hairstyle option. We can't think of a better way to start our list than with a dazzling hairstyle. Not only is bob downright gorgeous but so painting is his choice. This is almost the ideal hairstyle for an unusual woman who can't wait to show off her true colors. If you think platinum blonde locks can be very overwhelming but dark blonde doesn't quite fit your style consider this absolutely stunning and stylish super light blonde hair color. Short Textured Pixie with Choppy Bangs Not only is this illuminating hair colour perfect for spring and summer but elegant waves add some serious flirty elegance that can be taken from the office or the beach. Keep your makeup thin and let your hair do the talking. A short hairstyle that any woman can shake is this voluminous cut. They don't end well and my latest attempt is no exception. And let's face it, I'm a girl, but I'm not always a real girl. Short Choppy Hairstyles To Try Out Today My uniform is holey jeans and a T-shirt. A new hairstyle is said to symbolize a new start in life. Whether it's the start of summer, bad karma short hair will always be in style if you want to give your neck a chance to breathe or survive. But he may be worried about whether they will be able to pull short hair. This dramatic layered cut that is great for every face shape and hair texture works a treat for almost all situations yes that's right. How do you fix a Short choppy haircut? If you're thinking of getting a wavy bob or someone who already needs a style update, check out our favourite Trend wavy hairstyles below. A hairstyle that makes layers of a fallback creates the illusion of longer voluminous hair. By cutting long or short layers into the hair extra texture and oomph is created by taking the look to the next level. Then consider the natural hair thickness and style to completely nail down the look when determining what type of layers you're in. Short Choppy Hairstyles for Any Taste Some use layers to thin thick unruly hair, while others only use them to add size and depth. Read on to learn how you can transform the vibe with a few simple snips. Essentially long layers are achieved by leaving your locks long and cutting just a few inches from the ends of your hair. The goal of reaching layers is to. Short choppy layered bob haircuts Avoid undulating violent lines, and long layers just do the job. Ask your hairdresser for long soft layers and the result will be extra texture and volume. Depending on your face shape, the long layers can be accentuated with some hairs around the face. Be careful not to cross the jawline for an understated vibe. What are choppy hair layers? The middle layers are perfect for ladies with thicker hair or women with natural wavy hair. Layers sometimes begin around the face as high as the cheekbone, highlighting the waves and making them thin. It's a great style to give extra thickness and texture appearance. Short choppy layers curly hair To thin and medium hair. Layered haircuts meet your needs and meet the needs of all people whether short or long to thin or thick hair. For men, layered haircuts suit so many people. Simple. They help add volume to lifeless hair or tame thick and wild hair. Short Choppy Hair Ideas for 2020 The pretty beige blonde shades show it's a contemporary look, and the vertical accentuation creates a lot of texture over the blunt cut ends. try experimenting with different parts to suit your face shape. There are ways to have stylish short hair without looking like you have a mullet (although these are fashionable). There are thin layers cut along the length of your hair, starting with the fringe line for a fashion statement. How can I layer my Short hair at home? Short layers will highlight your face and add movement and shape to your hair. If you're a rebel or a little love boho style, today's Gallery of furry excess and choppy bobs is right to watch what's hot right now. If your hair is thick, this is a great date hairstyle with a layered back that cuts a close stack. The fantastic volume bump at the back sweeps in the line, expertly graduating to create a slight pin curl at the front. What is a choppy lob? On one side of the side face and dark roots casually swept fringe curtains says the pale blonde is ‘urban chic’ loud and clear. Wavy jagged ends and a multi-layered size with a vibrant shatter effect are the leading trends in today's short haircuts. Modern cuts can have playful disconnected layers with a messy touch and a fabulous sense of movement. How do I fix messed up hair layers? For short hair, all wavy haircuts are performed mainly on the basis of bob pixie or line cuts, but they leave an entirely new impression. Lines combined with contrasting textures and color enhancers can bring your usual style to new heights previously unknown. Just don't miss these new bright ideas that seem innovative for the current spring and long-awaited summer. I get dirty and I do things. Hair doesn't get top billing. Short choppy layered pixie haircuts Sometimes there's no bill. But while I don't have pretty hair, I have scissors for DIY and a ridiculously serious dedication to everything. So I bleached the color and cut my hair. Today. This in your hair. In my adult life, my hair was in a constant state of flux. Long hair Short choppy layers I deal with bouts of amnesia that lead to attempts to grow between short haircuts. They don't end well and my latest attempt is no exception. And let's face it, I'm a girl, but I'm not always a real girl. My uniform is holey jeans and a T-shirt. I get dirty and I do things. Choppy Feathered Haircut with Highlights Hair doesn't get top billing. Sometimes there's no bill. But while I don't have pretty hair, I have scissors for DIY and a ridiculously serious dedication to everything. So I bleached the color and cut my hair. Today. This in your hair. Alexa Chung is sometimes credited as the inventor of modern shag hair and has worn many versions of it over the years. Should I get my hair cut Short? Its appearance ranges from short to long at shoulder length somewhere between the chin and shoulders. It can look both mod and stylish depending on how it's styled, and Chung is proof of that. If you carry a little longer hair, you can choose bob hair styles that have been quite popular and trendy lately. Depending on your hair texture, you may prefer the inverted one, the layered one, the wavy one and the curly one. What do Choppy layers look like? A cool bob cut is great for professional women. Reverse Bob is quite nice and stylish. An inverted bob is perfect for thin and Triangle-faced people. If you want a messy look, you can use some root volume and tousle it with the help of your fingers. You can use some gel if you want a smooth look. For the best haircut you always ask a professional salon hair designer for a consultation and service, said owner of the hair care system. How do you hide Short layers? Alan Benfield Bush. Always share your loves desires and lifestyle needs with your hair designer to get a haircut that is clearly designed for you. Yet there are some haircuts that work on many people and others that are almost never proud. I've had the chance to interview the best stylists there about the most and proudest haircuts, so it's the cuts you should think about and the cuts you shouldn't. She adds some messy waves to her style and creates a funky textured look that's great for any casual occasion. Short haircuts with choppy layers We're also in love with the colorful mix of light brown and even blondes to dark brown for the dazzling finish. Her dark blonde locks were reinforced with striking light blonde highlights, which made a very eye-catching effect that illuminated her overall skin. Giving her a wavy bob haircut some style and. Short hair with choppy layers Pizzazz adds some flirty and fun texture to the wave a bit. This look matches perfectly with pink lips and light eye make-up, and features summer styling written all over it. Styling your short hair with bangs is a great way to get a shorter cut than your existing mid-length style or just get a whole new look. Short choppy layered haircuts 2020 - 2021 The blast can draw attention to your beautiful eyes and also highlight your cheekbones. Another surprising feature of having a blast is that they are the fastest way to cruise the species. If you want to look short in type but still look perfect here you can best focus on just getting the right bang and pull the rest of your hair back up quickly. Add more edge to wavy layered hair with uneven bangs to match. Shaggy Choppy Hairstyle Tell your stylist you want something too extreme, just a fringe that isn't blunt or perfectly balanced. Explosions in this style make chopped layers a flattering compliment. In my adult life, my hair was in a constant state of flux. I deal with bouts of amnesia that lead to attempts to grow between short haircuts. A wavy layered haircut is the perfect way to get this tousled edgy look without always styling it. You may need your blow dryer and a small product, but still. You'll look like you walked out of the hallway or woke up every day. Stacked Bob with Choppy Layers Many young women prefer grey and white hair tones. Blame the impressive wisdom of Queen Elsa, or perhaps someone's very influential grandmother, but ultra-light hair is all the rage at the colour trends you'd expect. This cute look is perfect, comfortable and cuddly for days when you just want to go out and have some fun. Choppy Pixie with Shaved Nape The light brown shade is classy and subtle, with only a few accentuated blonde highlights to add some depth to the overall look. Gorgeous wavy bob hairdo. This year was a big shift in hair colour trends, with ash blonde accents bright copper taupe silver and white accents numerous styles summery bright blue/sea green plus sophisticated graphite grey and plum/purple accents. So if you're ready for adventure, let's go. Short Stacked Haircut Layers are ideal for protecting thick hair. Ask your hairdresser for some long layers of styling around the face. The layers will create a full-bodied look and add volume to your hair. Use a large round brush for styling and sweep the hair sideways for extra size. This fab angled bob has the latest hair fashion features that make for a super-trendy image. But adding some layers to your hair can have a big impact. Short hairstyles choppy layers Choose thin layers starting from the jawline for some shape and build, and try this nice line bob if your hair isn't thick enough for a stacked bob. Be realistic when choosing a hairstyle for you. Ask yourself whether your personality really wants a rocker and edgy hairstyle or a softer and more feminine style. If you're unsure, opt for a longer hairstyle with more versatility rather than putting yourself in a single Look. Short hair choppy layers Many of these short-wavy cuts are super easy for style. Who doesn't want to wash and doesn't go and look. Here's the best shortwave haircut for women right now. It's easy to get stuck in a rut with the same hairstyle. One day we love it and show off the hair we have but the next day we envy our friend with perfect locks and wish she was his mane. Short choppy layers long hair Those who love short-wavy hair will be relieved to know that there are at least 50 hairstyles to try. If you want a short and minimalist fairy, there are great ideas for anyone with a shaggy cut to flatten your wavy hair, or if there's something in between. Read the full article

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arcanistvysoren · 7 years

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finally knitted my scattered thoughts about ryders together into a neat one-shot while waiting for early access to finish downloading.

• In 2176 the big news is: the Jon Grissom Academy finally opens its doors to young biotics—and the twins part ways for the first time as Jo leaves for a place her brother cannot follow—to hone gifts she hasn’t asked for.

(They’re twins. It’s unfair. It should be both, or neither, not this.)

Other news coming in is still angry, reeling in the aftermath of the Skyllian Blitz. Their father keeps a stoic front, but his fists clench whenever he listens to it too much. There’s an uncomfortable stretch of emptiness in Jaime’s stomach, now that Jo is gone, that he can’t quite find the name for. But he sees the news, and the clenched fists, and fills the empty space by enlisting.

• Somewhere else in the galaxy Jien Garson takes a job on a project that will change the course of history and both of their lives.

• We stood together, staring into that bright blue light, not knowing where it was going to take us or if we’d even make it through alive. It was the hardest step I’ve ever taken…

Their father tells them all kinds of tales of his glorious mission. Or maybe just the one tale, but they listen to it with voracity and pride. They learn not to share it quickly enough: it turns out not everyone’s father is a famous war vet; not everyone’s family gets to live in the heart of the Council space; and people might viciously begrudge you your father’s high standing.

• One day Joana gets into a scuffle at school and sends a classmate flying into a wall with a sudden eruption of blacks and blues and purples and magic. Afterwards, the thing she is most afraid of is not that she has hurt someone, nor the principle, nor their father—(not even this sudden thing tearing her up, although heavens know she never really gets a handle on it)—but that her brother will hate her.

Years later, she will still reflect from time to time that it should have been him that got it. He doesn’t disagree: it would have made life a whole lot easier for her—but he doesn’t mind it either. He doesn’t need biotics to feel plugged directly into the infinite expanse of space.

• His fate is written in his bones long before Jien Garson claws the right for humanity to be included in the Initiative from the stringently crossed arms of other aliens. It has always been thrumming through his heart whenever he looked outside and saw the stars, and a new planet below, and the endless spinning void. And his ribs would expand with the almost-painful awareness that they are floating through the unfathomable. The most beautiful terrible thing.

There is a particular sort of victory in standing on the surface of a new planet and being able to pull your helmet off. Where the air here hasn’t been made with humans in mind, and yet here they are, existing, and the breeze brushes against his skin, leaving dust specks of an entirely alien ecosystem on his tongue.

It’s a longing, he finds, universal of all living things: they’re a space-faring civilization, this is it, the future, and they’ve made it. But they still long for more uncharted depths and new horizons, and still shiver at the sight of stars.

• “Stay safe out there,” Jaime tells her the day she leaves for Grissom. His tone is light, teasing: they don’t really believe in wars yet.

“I promise,” she says. It’s a new territory, this separation, but it’s not like it actually severs them.

(Him signing up for the Initiative however…)

• “It’s a little bit like you’re dying,” Robert tells him after Jaime explains the whole thing. They’ve been roommates for two years, and he sounds wary and at a loss.

“You’ll get onto that ship, and go to sleep, and wake up the next day, only it’ll be 600 years from now. In that time I’ll get married, and have kids, and die, and my kids will have kids, my blood will distill. I’ll be thinking about you for years, wondering if somewhere in the future you’re missing me, even though you’ll be still asleep on your Ark. And when you do wake up enough to remember me, I’ll be a footnote in a database of ancient military obituaries. Not that you’d know. If you ever get back here, you won’t recognize a thing.” He shakes his head with a frown, trying to wrap his head around it. “That Ark is like a coffin. As soon as you step on board, you’re gone.”

• Come find me, Andromeda says.

It doesn’t seem like dying to him.

• Space is not something that Jo Ryder chose, the way her brother has. Space has called for Jaime and enveloped him. She has to wrestle against it like an elastic band, trying to fit it around herself, uncooperative and resistant.

Jaime looks at the stars with a smile and anticipation. Dreams of things bigger than she even, and she worries where it might lead him. But at least he knows what he wants. She lacks, and envies him this surety.

• It was the hardest step I’ve ever taken. Their father continues to rehash the same story, in private and in public. Joana isn’t dazzled it with anymore.

“I don’t want our last name to be dictating who we are,” she tells Jaime matter-of-factly, and sounds tired.

In another life, where they have not surrendered to the life of the military, she might have been a programming engineer, or a quantum mechanic, or an astrophysicist. (Numbers light up for her the way stars sing for him.) She might have been a CEO, or a broker, and he might have been a researcher, an explorer, a scientist—and in that life neither of them would get to go on the Hyperion.

He wonders sometimes how those Jaime and Joana are doing. If they’re any happier; if they’re happy at all.

• She graduates third in her class and promptly runs away to learn piloting from aliens: it’s glorious, because no one cares she’s a Ryder. She’s a human, she’s a gnat—more breakable than a turian, less biotics than an asari, all hormones and fire in her blood, still a new thing, an unproven thing—she loves it.

She has soft skin, a vulnerable artery in her neck, messy hair the likes of which they haven’t seen, and to the aliens she’s a novelty.

She has a brusque tongue, inhospitable eyes, an unpalatable roughness, and to the humans she’s objectionable.

(No one ever takes her just for the whole of her.)

Watching over a team of scientists she finds herself fiercely missing her brother.

• “I decided to go Andromeda,” he tells her merrily. His smile fades when he notices her face. “You will come with me, won’t you?” he adds carefully.

And she has to shut her eyes, to not see him, or maybe to commit him to memory, the whole of him. Because he’s leaving. Going where she can’t, or maybe doesn’t want to try and follow after all. (When she opens her eyes again, they are bright.)

“We do everything together,” he insists helplessly. “Say you’ll come with me.”

She shakes her head, and doesn’t say it, cannot say it. Looks at him askance, terribly betrayed, and still pulls him into a wordless hug. Clings to him, and he to her, but it doesn’t help at all.

• Being a Ryder is a legacy. Not as much as being a Grissom, she supposes, but in the military circles their name carries weight: her father, the right hand man, stepping into the maw of the unknown, dashing and unafraid. Girls and boys in her class swooning over the photos of the alpha strike team that first stepped through the Charon relay to Arcturus. Girls and boys asking utterly inappropriate questions about her father.

That’s how she discovers the first thing different between her and Jaime: when she is just too mad, when it is bursting out of her, too full, too much, splitting out of her spine with a spike of something violent and unfathomable. And she cannot feel her body, and cannot understand its signals, and it’s awful from that very first second, and she never really learns to cope with it.

• In the wake of the Battle of the Citadel, Joana meets Commander Shepard, briefly. Spots her on the Presidium, sitting out of the way, half-concealed from the passers-by. She doesn’t want to bother her, but knows she’ll be kicking herself later if she doesn’t.

“Commander?” she gathers enough gusto to approach her. The women turns her head, unsurprised—the way people who are used to strangers approaching them are never surprised anymore. (Joana’s seen the look enough times on her father.) She lets out a nervous exhale and steps closer. “I just wanted to thank you. For all that you did. Saving our asses.”

Shepard smiles around a humorless chuckle, her eyes trailing down below, to the chasm in the Presidium’s floor, where you could see parts of the ravaged Tayseri Ward and the keepers skittering about.

“Doesn’t seem like much of an accomplishment these days, does it?” she says. “We lost a lot of men.”

It’s been a few weeks. The news are still full of fire and death tolls, and the adults send children off to play while they huddle around monitors, listening to reports of more deaths and destruction that keep coming like ripples. It was one attack, and then it was over in a matter of hours, but they keep cleaning out debris, finding bodies—Flux has been unearthed last night; dance floor full of dead things; you can only hope it was quick—it is only now that the weight starts gravely settling in.

The Commander’s eyes look old on her face. She feels that weight acutely. So does Joana: so much that she cannot breathe. The memorial wall deep in the guts of the Citadel is full of names of her former shipmates, former classmates, and she feels her skin crawling because hers isn’t on it.

• She slammed the door on her entire relationship with her father when she left their Citadel apartment for good. It ceased to be a home that day, but it still felt like losing a pieace of herself when the geth armada tore through that part of the Citadel, making rubble out of her childhood. The home they could have had on Earth was lost the moment their father put his career first and sold it off, choosing to juggle his carious postings instead.

The closes thing she has to a home she loses because she’s on leave, but the ship she’s been assigned to isn’t, and the geth ships blow it to pieces. All that’s left of them is a wall of names mourned, and names unmourned, and names nobody will soon remember.

So she comes back to her father, still angry and rigid, and says she’ll go. Because there’s no more homes to lose. Because the shadows of the dead are standing on her shoulders, and the guilt is unbearable, and she can’t look up because of the choking shame and terror and so yes she’ll go.

• “I signed up for the Initiative yesterday,” she tells Jaime calmly over lunch. Nothing’s been formally approved yet, but it will be in no time if her father has anything to say about it.

Jamie is caught off guard only for a moment, before pulling her into a hug with a wide smile, both of them saying nothing. He doesn’t say he’s relieved, and she doesn’t say she’s sorry. That she almost abandoned him, or that he’s almost abandoned her, or both of them were nearly abandoned together.

He tells her of his posting at Arcturus instead, and that joke he heard the other day in the mess hall, and she laughs, that little snorting laugh she’s been embarrassed of since she was fifteen. And he smiles; and he’s glad; and he will get to hear it for the rest of his life.

• “I’m a soldier,” Robert tells him when it is the final good-bye, and Hyperion stands ready to depart. “So I don’t really get it. But I get that you’re not one. And maybe you’ll find whatever you’re looking for there. Whenever you do decide to wake up.”

“So, tomorrow then,” Jaime smiles crookedly, and hears his roommate’s laugh for the last time.

600 years later, tomorrow, he’ll think back to that moment when the realization will dawn on him that he might be in love. That it took him going to another galaxy for it to happen—amongst all the other brilliant things.

600 years later Joana will stop running from her demons, and fall onto an alien soil, and she’ll finally look her past in the eye and cry over it and finally bury it.

• Jaime lies on the floor of not-really-grass—only sort of grass, everything-here-is-different kind of grass. Maybe they will plant their own some day soon—but not tonight. Tonight, he lies on the surface of a no-name world and looks up into the sky where the Milky War streaks far across, a thin vague brush stroke.

They’ll have to build hubs to begin tracing where’s Sol, and Iera, and Widow, and Aralakh, heart wistfully looking back. Other stars are occupying his vision now. He doesn’t know the name of any constellation. He will stretch out his hand and draw lines through the stars, through the spinning solar systems. And he will make up the shapes for them himself.

• A good story ends with a homecoming.

#mine: fic #vg: mass effect #vg: andromeda #basically i want my m!ryder to be the starry-eyed dreamer consumed by space #the kind of person who would look at his life on earth and the entire milky way and say:#yeah this is not enough; i can part with this; i want to go further #and have the fem!ryder be the more grounded one; the kind who maybe didn’t want to go at all;#wanted other things; has always felt the shadow of her father and railed against it;#was prepared to be torn from her family and changes her mind at the last minute;#because battle of the citadel; because guilt and loss and running away;#(because DESTINY)#even though of course she doesn’t BELIEVE in destiny #her terror vs his longing; his running towards it vs her fleeing from things; all the dichotomies #[sigh]#i am prepared to get shafted by the canon of course #who knows how many things will completely contradict this #who knows how they will utilize the sibling that stays on the ship: definitely in a way that will undermine my story #since i want them both as protagonists and will mix and match two walkthroughs probably #but for now #i have expectations #i have feelings #i have only 30 fucking % of the trial downloaded #i want them to be each other’s home; each other’s foil and pillar and a reflection and a negative #and i have only spent like 3 months thinking about them and how they are so no room for disappointment there

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shirlleycoyle · 5 years

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This Company Will Pay You to Learn to Code, and Take 15 Percent of Your Income Later

Most coding bootcamps almost sound like get-rich-quick schemes: Devote a few months to learning a new skill from home, and walk into a job that could pay you $70,000 a year to start. For the most immersive programs, you’ll need to put your life on hold while you learn full-time.

Usually, students pay for those coding bootcamps upfront while they take time off their jobs to learn. Startup coding bootcamp Modern Labor pays people $2,000 a month for five months while they learn to code, following a curriculum remotely from wherever they live for at least 30 hours every week (working out to roughly minimum wage). After graduation, if they land a job that pays at least $40,000, Modern Labor takes 15 percent of their salary for the next two years. For example, if they find a job that pays $80,000, they’ll pay Modern Labor $24,000 over two years.

A typical coding bootcamp can cost around $11,000 for two to seven month courses, with some charging as much as $20,000.

Modern Labor’s business model is an example of an “income sharing agreement,” a scheme that’s on-trend for Wall Street and Silicon Valley entrepreneurs looking to disrupt education. (In 2016, Larson founded Leif, a software startup that helps schools design ISA programs.) Critics of ISAs call them “a form of indentured servitude” because graduates are obligated to hand over part of their earnings for years. Similar to Modern Labor, Purdue University and the startup Lambda School are two entities that are experimenting with income sharing agreements.

Modern Labor is backed by tech accelerator Y Combinator, according to its website, and launched at YC Demo Day earlier this month.

In January, student loan expert and former Elizabeth Warren advisor Julie Margetta Morgan told VICE that these programs speak to the post-recession hell that young people face. Burdened with student loan debt from traditional schools that did little to prepare them for the workforce, they’re seeking ways to hedge their bets on career choices and schools that will provide a safe return on what is a high-stakes financial investment in America.

“We’ve been pushed into this world where we’re asking people to make these really complex calculations about future income and payoff and that just doesn’t seem like it’s the world we ought to be living in,” she said.

As its first cohort—a modest three-person class—enters its third month at Modern Labor, the company is grappling with how best to weigh those risks and graduate a class prepared to enter the tech workforce.

“It turns out that education is one of the biggest investments people make in their lives, and it’s risky,” Francis Larson, who co-founded Modern Labor with Oliver Birch in 2017, told me in an email. “It’s expensive and there is an uncertain payoff. You might get the right skills and it was worth it, or you might not.”

Modern Labor’s first cohort began in February, and consists of two men and one woman. One of those students, 33-year-old Courtney Angotti, told me in a phone conversation that she decided to join after participating in another bootcamp last year called Code Talk. She’s switching careers—from performing, acting, and singing in Los Angeles to the tech sector—and didn’t feel ready to jump into a job right after graduating her last bootcamp, she told me.

Angotti, who runs a blog about her technology career journey and answers questions about Modern Labor on a YouTube channel (she said she’s not working for them in any official capacity or as a recruiter), told me that when we spoke she’d been coding for the last 17 days without a day off—even if some of those days she only worked a few hours at a time. She said she’s working between 30 and 40 hours per week on a full-stack curriculum learning front and back end development, and manages a couple of hours of free time in between coding sessions.

“In the very beginning we were experimenting with demand and put higher hours [on the website] but it’s pretty clear that very few people can work productively over 30 hours a week on anything mentally difficult,” Larson told me.

Larson said that right now, students are classified as independent contractors for Modern Labor, and don’t get benefits or health insurance—this is the same employment class as Uber drivers or other gig economy jobs. Although people enrolled in Modern Labor’s income sharing agreement are not working on projects that directly benefit the company or its clients, Larson said, the company isn’t ruling that out for the future.

Read more: The Internet Was Built on the Free Labor of Open Source Developers. Is That Sustainable?

“Independent contractor status makes sense right now because we don’t control much of what they do, and what they do doesn’t directly produce economic benefit for us during the program,” Larson said. “If we start doing more serious external projects with the trainees prior to the end of the program, then we would need to classify them as employees, and that’s fine too.”

One of Modern Labor’s selling points, at least from its marketing materials, is that it will “find you your new job,” according to the website. Larson told me that’s not a guarantee—but it’s in the company’s interest to help you land a job that makes over $40,000, since if you don’t, it loses its investment on you. He told me that the company markets to employers, and hires a placement agency for “roughly each cohort” to help students find jobs. Larson also told me that if trainees don’t land a job earning more than $40,000 within five years, the contract ends.

“I think they’re gonna want us to stay with them, but you don’t have to. I don’t think anybody’s worried about it.” Angotti said. “You can spend a year teaching yourself to code and still not get a job.”

The staffing platform, he said, is an online web application that Modern Labor built in-house for employers to find and hire trainees from the bootcamp. From there, they’re placed into short-term contracts that last one month to a year where Modern Labor is the employer but the trainee works for a client, or are moved into permanent roles where they’re hired full-time by another employer. On the platform, trainees and employers have profiles where they can showcase their needs and skills.

“We want to be the island of consistency in a world where work engagements are getting shorter and shorter.”

If trainees go this route—from training under Modern Labor’s auspices to contracting out on its platform—they’re still expected to pay back the 15 percent of what they make for two years.

A Reddit thread from a month ago reported seeing a listing for Modern Labor on job search website Indeed that said successful applicants “agree to work for our staffing company if our offer is as good as your other job offers.” Two weeks ago, one of the founders for Modern Labor commented in this thread saying that it has since removed that condition, which would have forced graduates to work for the company if it could make a competitive offer.

The founder’s account also acknowledged in another comment that $10,000 disbursed over five months “is almost certainly not enough for some areas and can be challenging with a family.”

Trainees don’t have to work for Modern Labor if they don’t want to, Larson said.

“Nonetheless, our goal is to make sure their experience is so good that they want to spend a big chunk of their career with us. The ultimate goal is to have a large, happy community where everyone can really flourish. We want to be the island of consistency in a world where work engagements are getting shorter and shorter.”

Before I contacted Modern Labor for this story, the website stated that students should expect to work 40-60 hours per week. After I asked Larson about the time requirement and what students were working on for that much time per week, the website was changed to say 30 hours.

Left: Screenshot from ModernLabor.com on February 22. Right: Screenshot of the same section, on March 28

Angotti said that 30 hours per week was always the minimum requirement expectation for graduation. To ensure that they’re logging those hours, students have to install a time-tracking app that takes a screenshot at random intervals throughout the day, and monitors how much time they spend actively working.

“It’s up to you how you structure your time, there’s no one telling you when to be done, there’s no deadline,” Angotti said. The students do weekly and sometimes daily check-ins with each other, and the tendency to compare your progress to someone else’s’ can be stressful.

“There’s gonna be a time where you feel behind, because you did the minimum and someone else got 40 or 50 hours,” she told me. “That can be frustrating and annoying. You think about it when you wake up, go to bed, thinking, ‘did I do enough?’”

The time commitment isn’t the only Modern Labor requirement apparently in flux, at least to the general public, even as the first cohort is mid-session.

Angotti told me that during her time at Modern Labor so far, they’ve tweaked some of the experience requirements to attract people with some coding experience instead of total novices.

“They wanted people who already posted stuff on the internet,” she said. “They’ve amped up the requirements, to either have more experience or the capacity to learn quickly.” Someone arriving with zero prior coding experience would not survive the first week, she said.

The Modern Labor website states, with typical Silicon Valley machismo, “the most important thing we care about is evidence of grit.”

After she graduates, Angotti said she expects to feel confident that she’ll have the support of Modern Labor to showcase the skills she’s acquired and find a job. By mid-March she’d already completed 15 projects, which can be used to demonstrate her abilities to employers.

As one of the first three to go through Modern Labor’s program, Angotti is a willing test subject for what some economists and entrepreneurs see as the future of education—and those analysts also reject the “indentured servitude” moniker for ISAs.

“ISA originators certainly have no right to flog students who don’t pay,” research analyst Preston Cooper wrote in Forbes. “Far from the ��indentured servitude’ smear, ISAs actually offer students more freedom and fewer obligations than traditional student loans.”

The higher education system in the US is undeniably deeply broken, with the average college graduate coming out of school carrying, on average, more than $37,000 in loan debt. It takes the average graduate at least seven months to find a job after college—time spent potentially deferring payments on that debt, and accruing even more interest.

Read more: The Internet Has a Huge C/C++ Problem and Developers Don’t Want to Deal With It

“We believe strongly that there is a large population in the United States who are effectively stuck in a trap,” Larson told me. “They are smart but don’t have the right skills. Because they don’t have the skills, they can’t earn enough to save meaningfully to take time off in order to learn.”

It does feel like a trap. But as Modern Labor and other ISAs extend beyond coding, it’s easy to imagine the model becoming its own type of hamster wheel. Talent is cultivated, and then turned back into capital in the form of a years-long debt to the private company that trained you.

Modern Labor might be fairly innocuous on the spectrum of capitalist necessary evils, but the brokenness of the education system leaves ample room for private for-profit companies to move in.

This Company Will Pay You to Learn to Code, and Take 15 Percent of Your Income Later syndicated from https://triviaqaweb.wordpress.com/feed/

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themushroomtree · 7 years

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Thoughts on Pride

This is a text post, if you’re here for craft pictures feel free to scroll past. CW: cis-centric phrasing as related to my own life experiences, swearing, referring to women as “girls.”

How funny that my birthday month is also Pride month. I never really felt attracted to boys when I was growing up. In elementary school, I didn’t try to imagine what a male body looked like. I didn’t chase boys or crush on them. They were my friends. I felt more comfortable around them than I did my female classmates. When a boy professed his love for me and kissed me, I allowed it, but I felt nothing. One day, in fifth grade, someone brought in an Elfquest comic and I remember all of us furtively peeking at the scantily clad/occasionally nude elf women. I felt the very first stirrings in my loins looking at those pictures. It never occurred to me until just now, but my mental “ideal” woman holds the same characteristics as one of my fifth grade classmates: black hair, green eyes, and freckles. Maybe it stuck because it is such a rare combination. Who knows. I listened to many girls dish about the mysteries of sex with boys in middle school. I listened to them giggle excitedly about their dicks, or brag about getting fucked in the locker room during class. It was all so uninteresting to me, but when whatever current boy band would consume the minds of my friends, I played along and picked the one that was my favorite. I lost my virginity when I was 16 to a boy two years older who emotionally abused me throughout high school. He was popular and I loved riding on those coattails but I didn’t love him. We broke up after graduation. When I got my own apartment at age 18, I had a string of brief relationships with men punctuated with lackluster one-nighters. I liked male attention and I liked the power it granted me, and the fact that these lovers were so terrible at pleasing anyone but themselves didn’t matter. Sex with men, for me, was all about harnessing and savoring that element of control. I carved myself into a pillar of indomitable strength in all areas of my life: challenging female stereotypes in the gross grueling jobs I held, being the first to reach the top of the mountain on a hike or the last to leave the dance floor at 2 a.m., and smashing the goddamn patriarchy with my cunt. Being a tiny unstoppable beast became my identity. I was tits-deep in my city’s gay scene. I lived with three drag queens who loved hitting on the men I brought home. I noticed a stark difference between my friendships with them and other gay men I knew, vs. straight men. Physical affection and bawdy banter was freely exchanged in absolute security. The element of power and control didn’t exist anymore. There was nothing to conquer. I began to notice the same phenomenon in my female friendships, but with one critical difference: the gays all assumed I was straight, and the women all assumed I was bi or closeted. Or just playful. But the common thread of non-threatening sexuality ran deep through it all. Making love with a woman was no more real than making out with my gay roommate. It was all safe. It was all fun. None of it mattered. I would fall in love with my most beautiful friends, and happily grope them when drunk around a bonfire, then pine away as they paired off with dudes while winking in the rearview at our innocent fun.

I got pregnant at age 21 and he proposed marriage after our baby was born. I knew on our wedding day that it wouldn’t last, but just like that first grade-school kiss, I let it happen and felt nothing. Maybe he sensed this, because he withdrew from me shortly thereafter and I spent years struggling with why. Neither of us had the tools to unpack all that, so I left with my two children to live on a commune four states away. And fell in love with a man for the first time. My male “type” historically had seemed to be thin, effeminate, soft-spoken, sad poetic guys: the least likely suspects to challenge my craving for sexual authority, and the least likely to be poisoned by the toxic masculinity I sought escape from in my gay male and lesbian relationships. Yet this man I met on the commune was the exact opposite: big, brawny, aggressive, arrogant, an “alpha.” I fell ridiculously hard anyway. It wasn’t my first polyamorous relationship, but it was the first one I could officially assign that title to. It was also the first satisfying sexual relationship in my life. Better late than never, right? Nevertheless, I missed softness and femininity in my life. I developed way too many crushes on every pretty mom friend whose kids associated with mine. I did the OKCupid thing and attempted to date a long string of women in the coming years. Some of them I loved. None of them worked out. My queer dream girl is a fantasy and I’ve come to terms with that. Life is short and I’m okay with falling into the trap of “bi girl in seeming-straight relationship.” I don’t need to explain why that isn’t true, because I don’t care. Here’s the surprise twist ending to my story. A few years ago, I fell mysteriously ill. I’ve talked about this on this blog already, so I won’t rehash details. When my fiercely protected and sacredly guarded strength vanished along with my mental clarity, so did my sex drive. Pain and confusion makes relaxation difficult and arousal near-impossible. I no longer daydream about caressing female flesh, and I struggle with feeling attracted to my partner of six years even though we are still very much in love and he treats me better than any other guy I’ve ever known. This has been the hardest, scariest part of my personal journey. I clung to being that sexual powerhouse for so long that don’t know who I am anymore. I’ve never really belonged anywhere. I’ve never felt a need to. I’ve escaped persecution for being sex-positive, for loving women, for being a homewrecker (well, the persecution may have chased after me but I never let it sink its teeth in). I’ve embraced my unclassifiable weirdness. I adore shocking people. That part of me hasn’t changed. I don’t know what comes next, though. Life is fluid. Everything is in a state of flux. Being sick and losing so much of myself has taught me that. It’s an incredibly difficult lesson. I can’t put myself in a box with a letter on it that fits in an ever-lengthening acronym, because I know what happens when you cling too hard to who you think you are.

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2gameprince · 7 years

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Pyre On The Lake

The white room gleamed a horrible clear color, while the air was dry and void of any flavor. This room was a cell. But a cell in a place which my mind could not yet register, as the events leading to my imprisonment are not those of a thief or a murderer. This white room is not of the world I once knew, and my tale is as unlikely as any story, I imagine, you have ever been told. It started as a boating trip with my older brother, Anthony. He had just returned from college and I had recently graduated highs school. After a long time away we’d figure we’d rebuild the connection of our close relationship by going on a boating trip, free from the scolding words of our parents when the booze and pot were whipped out. We contemplated bring up girls, but Anthony and myself were more introverted than most guys our age, I guess. We had always been close. And we decided that this trip would just be for us. We paid for some old cabin that our dad’s friend was renting out and took out some our savings to afford a week and a half up there, in the mountains. The cabin was near these two rivers, side by side and flowing quick and steady down the slope of the hilly landscape. Woods surrounded the cabin, which surprisingly was very well kept. The interior was almost completely modern. It had tables and beds and stuff that folded out from the shaved walls. There was a view through this back window that was positioned over this lake, directly behind the building. While looking out the back window, which was in the room I was sleeping in, the sun peeked out from behind the rocky horizon and reflected off the water so beautifully. The outside air was bug-free and the temperature was astonishing. We had finally reached our vacation spot. I thought about the day I had had and the bustle of my daily life which brought me to plan such a week. I remember thinking aloud to myself: “Today is looking to be one big steaming pile of shit. I'm working in the blistering heat of a humid August day, watching the old Italians and Jewish-folk of the neighborhood waddle by and into their mini vans. I think about how I might be spending today if I was in their position. I got a pack of cigarettes in my pocket; Found under my bed a day or two after my girlfriend had misplaced them there. I don't like the taste. The tobacco, or whatever the hell they put in cigarettes nowadays, is too packed for me. I enjoy a lighter, smoother brand. I'm supposed to be up pushing carts around, but in this weather I'm more sure I'd die of heatstroke before I could clear a parking lot. Besides, I'm in no mood to help the average schmuck about their "pleasant shopping experience”. Customers are all promised special treatment and the workers are all promised aggravation and shit pay. If it wasn't for the fact that it was a hundred degrees out here, and that I need some god damned form of income to keep the judgmental words of my peers away, I'd up and stroll all the way home right now. Or, storm into the office of my boss, throw my vest and belt down on the table and tell them "I quit"; Just like in those old stereotypical cop action-flicks. And the sun shower has begun. About time. It doesn't do much; Just kinda makes me feel as if the air has gotten cooler. Anything to trick the mind. When the carts ain't that full I like to sit on a bench, past where the front store cameras can spot you, smoke and fiddle around on my phone. No one in my family knows I smoke cigarettes. Maybe they assume I do and are too trusting in my ability to share every single detail of my personal life with them that they'd just rather wait for me to say I do. All the while making allusions. I considered lighting up another cigarette, since after downing two I kinda got used to this brand's taste, but I'd rather not. I'll make them last if I gotta. Just don't wanna run the risk of a family member driving by and seeing me swallow smoke. I could picture them flying home in a panic and gossiping like fat-lipped gulls, as they like to do. Probably not my mother, though. She can keep a secret, as far as I've observed in my life, so far. Had to get back to work. Been sitting down for a good hour and the mixed temperatures in the air, as well as this flat wooden bench, are starting to turn my legs and my ass numb. I'll sit down again once I'm ready for a third cigarette and a bottle of water; Or both.” What a day that was, and how happy I was to return home and see my brother waiting. Over dinner our brother brought up the subject of fishing and I took to the idea of a trip. Anthony would be home permanently now. At least, until pursuing a career in computers. And at some far away company in ‘god-knows-where-ville’. So for the short time we had with him, I suggested a trip and he took to the idea quick-fast. Our parents, hesitant at the thought of their only two sons fending themselves off from the “horrors” of the wilderness stirred them, Anthony assured a tranquil and firm environment. So with much discussion and the assurance of mine and my brother’s responsible nature, my parents waved us goodbye two days later. I tried my best not to think back to the dull life back home and focus on the time I had now. Anthony and me went hunting for a while, caught a habit or two and, before hand, got settled into our rooms. I prepared to relax in the cabin’s living room as I found the television actually receiving channel pick-ups. I skipped through some static and came to some local new stations and a kid’s channel. Anthony entered the room and asked if I was ready to start fishing. It was eight at night, but I humored his eagerness. So I took a pole from behind the shed, as well as all the hooks, lines and bait that he’d set up, and we walked on down to the dock for some night-fishing. We thought about setting into a boat out on the water, but decided against the idea. We figured it’d take too long. We set up our rods and took a seat out on the dock which rested on the beach and followed up out on the water in a ’T’ shape. The moon was full and the lake was a black glistening muck. Beautiful upon viewing, but sinister underneath. I looked up at the moon and thought about our time together. Not many words were exchanged between us upon that dock. We were both lost in the moment. The perfection of the night and the appreciation of one-another’s company just had us at ease. There was no need for words. Presence was enough. And so, we commenced fishing. We sat upon the dock and casted lines. We caught nothing for about and hour and decided to pack up. Just as we were putting the hooks away we noticed the water dancing. There was a ball of scrambled liquid, floating within the center of the lake and glowing a reddish glow beneath the surface of twirling water. It was like a sun beneath a sheet of liquid. Loops of thin fire sprung out from the sphere as it grew in size. It mesmerized our eyes and then our senses. First came it’s sound, vibrant and appealing in multiple tones. Next, came it’s smell, like a fresh brush of air which had been untouched by atmosphere itself. A temperature beyond hot or cold. This heat, or cold, or whatever flowed out from this ball, and the ball grew bigger. I turned to Anthony to see he had been lost in the look of the thing over the lake. I looked on with a daze and almost wanted to reach out for it. Fire flew out at us in loops again; But this time they struck at the shore and the dock, slicing up the area around us. Our daze became fear as we snapped out of our trance and into a panic. We dodged these rays and ducked to avoid these growing masses which blew out of the sphere like hot steam from a tight radiator pipe. I jumped from the dock alongside Anthony as two beams shot between us. I landed on the grass as the last of the dock was burned way. I felt Anthony’s body follow me in the jump, but as he landed I heard a much softer landing. I leaned over in horror to see his torso burned in two. Everything from his lower chest down was burned away, as if combustion had taken the rest of him. More than anything, I remembered feeling angry. A feeling which attracted me to the sphere, both in fury and interested. I moved closer, and in rage I threw my self at the thing, triggering some rift. A blast of light engulfed me in fire and I passed through, what seemed like a flux of air, built-up in a brush of heavy wind. A wind which carried me away. Out into a void and black place where there was no air. My feet fell flat on the water as gravity shifted and I sunk under the surface. The lake became a portal, and upon the other side I found myself in a place removed from space and time. A corner of a dimension that was separated from all other things. A desolate realm of nothing, but… Him. He revealed himself to me. A presence within the lake, he was. A speaker of ancient things and a spirit of the sub-conscious and, not a speaker of words, but a conveyer of thought. This ghoul passed over me, almost scanning me with eyes it did not have. I felt this being in all his entirety and felt all that he was about. Meaning, purpose, origin and creation; This being… It’s name, ‘Droth', was something not of earth or humankind. Or of space, in that regard. Droth. It was the only word that came to mind. It was the name of this presence. This thing which pulled me into this realm. Not a living thing. Just a being of some sort. A “Him”. I felt a great sleep approach me. An almost ambitious haze which entered my mind and brought back thoughts of a calm and resting environment. I was in a place of familiarity brought on by Him. And He made me remember my youth. And in my youth there rested a short tale. The abstract tale of a man named Thomas Leaf. A story which confused, yet, settled me and a story that went something like this: “He was a fitted-man. Thomas, as he was called. And he made a habit of mowing his rooftop every noonday and again, especially when the grass got tall after the rain. The sun was half up before I noticed him. My wife, sitting in our kitchen sink, called me to the window. I was in the shed with a ball of screws. I came trotting out to answer her call. That was when I noticed Thomas, prim as a pipe and getting vulgar. His wife sat under him, the house ablaze. The anguish was a fog of smoke. Thomas’ house had begun up, while my wife stared blankly. Misses Thomas, engulfed in flame, sat in her rocking chair, flames all about. Cotton filled my ears. The drums were booming as the sun ran a cycle. Thomas was in a panic, the grass burning from beneath him. Before long, he fell through. There was my house and his. My house, a square structure with pink walls, and a brown roof and a chimney. Thomas’ house was a pile of ashy mulch, containing the remains of Misses Thomas. Thomas stood right and proper, turning to me. The sky was scribbles as Thomas set off. Far into the distance he walked. Our houses, once standing at the threshold of an empty endless field, now a home accompanied by a blotchy blackness. We still live in the house, the misses and me. The town tried phoning Thomas, but he’s gone far away now. The birds come every day now, picking noodles from the wreckage. I have no doubt that Thomas will return soon. After all, he forgot his mower.” It didn’t make sense and it wasn’t supposed to, I guess. And that what the outlook I had placed upon my parent abduction at the hands of this otherworldly being. As for the story, I pondered the triggered memory. I could never remember the author, just the absurdity of the character named Thomas and his world, which appeared so unreachable to me. As if existing on a realm I’d never given thought to, or a place of pure fiction. I slipped back into a dream as his power over my being kept me sedated. His exact plans for me were uncertain. Was this mirage of a monster to devour my soul like a demon? Or steal my blood like a parasite? This worry fell back into lightheadedness as I floated back in space. A scene formed around me as a strange dream began to play out. The cocktail lounge was a bustle of mixed chatter which played along discontentedly with the absence of any music. We were in a long hall with a blue tile floor and golden flowers on shiny light brown tables. The bar tenders were attentive, and along with the assisted telling of my parents that I was under age, I was sure they'd ask me for identification. This left my plans of drinking for the evening null and void. I grabbed a small plate of eggplant parmesan and a cut of beef. I walked back to the table and got settled, realizing that I had forgotten a fork. After another trip, and a quick pondering about the absence of alcohol in my life, I sank back into my seat and wolfed down the plate. I had picked up this weird blue drink with fruit punch, dry ice and a cherry. The drink was alright. Sure as hell wasn't no substitute for a great big bottle of cold wine. A little while past and I took a picture at the request of the traveling photographer passing out table by every few minutes. I wanted to stretch but my dress cloths were too tight, as they always are, and my shoes were too small, like dress shoes always are. There was a fake fish tank full of plastic organisms and plants all around it. Caught me off guard at first. There's a faint booming coming from some curtains to our right as some woman in a tux waltz' up to us and instructs us the main room and dance floor are open. I get up to feel the creamy brush of swamp-ass as the heat begins to hit me now. I walk along this white curtain upon the wall to avoid stepping through some people's conversations. And we're onto the main room. I instantly recognize a flow of cool air which takes me over almost instantly. The music is louder now and unhelpful, teamed with the small headache that the heat had previously caused. Another DJ. I hate DJs. Cheaply hired, they blast over-rung beats so all the drunken thirty-year old women in the room, all with the same haircut and ideal social media profiles, can get up and wobble like rum-fiends on the dance floor. This obsession which drives them to drink is no stranger in my mind. And while they have the ability to order drinks as they please, one year away from being twenty one leaves me at quite the disadvantage. Luckily, there sits in front of me, a glass of champagne, only half filled, with five unoccupied seats around me and no one to finish the bubbling goodness of those glasses. So, one by one I poured them all into my drink, filling up the champagne till I was holding a pleasing amount. I threw my head back and caught a chunk of fresh air which freed me from my slumber. My breath was quick and hastily executed, almost as if I had ceased breathing while unconscious. Stars are all around me as this force, Droth, moaned in displeasure at my struggle for escape. This being longed to enter me. To take control of my mind for purposes which were beyond me. And with all my might I wouldn’t let it! It was through visions that He manipulated mankind. I say ‘He’. Not ‘it’ or ‘that’ or some other third thing to describe the presence He presented. It was just ‘Him’. A final and absolute to everything. The God, if you will; And in this darkness I sat as all that was around me was void. In the blackness of space he sat as my parallel, peering into my core. My soul and the nothingness that made me up. His glare was indifferent; And this place in which He had brought me was one of unrest, and yet I felt sedated. I was away from the world and outside an area of time which I could recognize. Home was a distant thought as this presence emanated and took me over. The cabin, the lake, the woods; All of it had gone now and only the complete indifference of this essence out of the ethos was with me now. Within me now. In this instance I was bigger than the sunos any start from here to infinity. Molecules were the insignificant makeup of a futile existence which only spiraled to one day cease to exist. In a moment I saw the universe and Him; And He was everything. I though nothing of my brother and his death, or the life I had left behind. Only He was true. He was injured, longing for a return to a place where I could be his entirety. Where I could be his parallel as he would walk in my skin. He wanted a return, back to the place of his birth and an escape from the valley of shadows we equally inhabited. He was strong, and as He attempted to convince me of his sincerity, my doubts vanished as if removed by a drug of some sort. Everything was water and space became liquid. I fell asleep to it’s vibrations as my eyes drew a tunneled vision. I sunk into slumber, and alongside Him I did slip back into this world. He followed. When I came to for the second time I could feel him with me. I was back on the lake and I was floating just barley atop the waters. The lake was motionless and the water stayed still in the moonlight. My lower body was still as He held me up. Through the lake and parallel reflection of the plane beside our own, he did begin to disperse. Out from the light and water He came, pressing out from the rift-less black and out into thee cloudy night sky. Peace of the heart became a scream of insanity as He was released upon the world. This being from another place, this sentience from another time; It was loose in our world. A dangerous thing, indeed. As the dimension from which it had transported us had closed up like a dark curtain. The form of the water changed from an ice gleam and into a cold ripple. He had taken to the forest and begun to surge through the land, traveling to find others like myself. Batteries to feed his cycle of ecstasy. He moved like wind and grasped at mater which harsh attachment. If it could be felt it could be manipulated, and across the rocky mountains He raced, absorbing the history of the land and data which designated within him. I felt this strength growing. He swept over beavers and deer and squirrels and chipmunks and things like that; Absorbing life. Collecting that stuff that made up souls. He was an Irk. That place from which he had escaped was a prison. And from his procession of me, we were tied together. I was the avatar of Him and He existed here because I had too. It was almost unexplainable how an entity, trapped within the reflection of a lake, coveted my soul. Never could I have imagined myself serving as vessel to those forces which I had previously never shed a thought for. But now, He tarnished the land and the death of my brother began to take me over as He branched out more and more; Allowing his hold on me to cease. The image of my brother’s body revealed itself one last time as I knew what I was to do to prevent His presence in this world. For my brother and for the safety of all those who call this planet home, He had to die. In turn, I had to die with him. He believed he had bonded to a perfect host. One without logic or reasoning enough to realize the intensions of a beast from a ball of fire on a lake made from the stars. I was sending Him back, with no chance of returning. I could see how he played dormant. With the state of the lake and the seclusion of this abode, this was holy ground. Or, perhaps even more than that. A prison for the otherworldly. A lake of pyre which held the very essence of a flame. A foul soul from a time lost and forgotten. It was into that forgotten passage which I was ready to return unto. And as I lied back and took my first swallow of the water, my feet only left the floating surface of the water once He had felt my life draining. With each breath of liquid he died, more and more. I drank the lake in heavy breaths as my lungs filled. I choked and gagged, but stuck at it. Drowning myself agonizingly. His soul sunk back into the lake as his fire died and his essence over the woods was subsiding. I opened my eyes for a moment as he rushed through me to find an escape. There was none, and within that lake I drowned myself, taking Him with me. As we returned to that void together, it struck me. This separation of sorts. As I flew backward into nothingness this black prism of space began to run white, like milk in water, the gleaming took over and a box began to enclose around me. I could feel him no more as all of his being fled from my core, returning mw to a fragile state. I believed myself to be dead, passing through layers of time which I had previously turned blindly upon. falling through time, these layers formed a box and here I was imprisoned. I felt nothing and the world outside these walls did not exist. Did I kill god? Is this all that is left of humanity? Did I destroy a force, able to keep the universe in form, and had I destroyed the form-keeper, reducing space and time into white walls of conscious-less absence?! Shock hit me as I collapsed to the ground. There was nothing around me but this prison. This white room within which I was trapped. And so I will remained trapped, until, perhaps, the absence of the void which placed me here is born again; And cycles in the new forms of creation. In turn, pulling back to a place of space and comprehensible time. Until that day, lost I remain among the starts. Look up and see me not, for I do not see you.

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